


Broken Glass

by sekinsey68



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-17
Updated: 2005-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-30 23:04:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 372,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15106631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sekinsey68/pseuds/sekinsey68
Summary: A traumatic event opens a Pandora's Box for Donna and is a wake-up call for Josh.





	1. Broken Glass: Chapters 1-5

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Broken Glass

 

Title: Broken Glass  
Author: Suzy  
Rating: YTEEN/MATURE/ADULT (each part is rated)  
Category: Drama/Angst/Romance  
Characters: Josh/Donna

Summary: A traumatic event for Donna is Josh's wake-up call.

Disclaimers: The West Wing and its characters don't belong to me, never will. Aaron Sorkin, Warner Bros, NBC and Co. thought of them first. I just like to play with them and see what happens. I do this out of a love for the show and no infringement is intended. 

As always, I want to thank my stellar, splendiferous, wonder-beta, and all-around awesome friend, Shan. This fic is dedicated to her. She kicked me to finish this story. If she hadn’t, I’m guessing it would still be languishing on my computer. She keeps me honest, focused, polished, and on track. Thanks, Shan. YOU ROCK! This one’s for you!

AUTHOR’S NOTE - PLEASE READ

At its heart, this is a story of trauma and a story of healing. It deals with sexual assault, attempted murder, emotional trauma, childhood sexual abuse, and their aftermath. I have tried not to make it gratuitous or needlessly explicit, but I have also tried to not gloss over it. Each chapter is rated accordingly. I've also done everything I can to see to it that it is not, what I call, a "torture" fic. I promise although there are some difficult times for the characters in this story, there is laughter to go with the tears and things do get better.

I am not a therapist and I do not claim to be an expert. I have tried to do a great deal of research so things are as accurate as possible. I invite you to explore these topics with me with the understanding that I do not have all the answers. If you are a victim of sexual assault or abuse, I encourage you to seek help.

Now, that said, I hope you enjoy Broken Glass. - Suzy

*****************************************************************************

Chapter 1 - YTEEN

“Donna!”

Pausing in the middle of collecting her things, she sighed. She’d almost made it out the door. It was 11 p.m. on a Saturday and she’d been there since 7 a.m. Was it so much to ask to go home at a decent hour? Especially on a weekend? All she wanted was a quiet soak in a cool tub to try and ease some of the August heat she knew she'd find in her third floor apartment when she got home. She'd left a window cracked but it was never enough to chase away the heat. Ideally, she could leave the small AC unit in her apartment on during the day, but the expense just wasn't worth it. She'd turn it on when she got home and by the time she was done with her bath, the temperature would be tolerable enough to sleep.

“Donna!”

Setting her things back down, she straightened her blouse, took a breath, and walked to Josh’s office. “You bellowed?” she asked.

“Where’s the research file on the Foley Bill?” he asked. 

She stared at him for a moment. He looked rumpled and a bit tired and she couldn’t help but have a little bit of fun with him. “Right where I saw you put it this morning,” she answered with knowing smile.

Waiting for her to continue, he stared back at her for another minute, then rubbed his eyes. He was too tired to have a staring contest with her. This week had been crazy and next week looked to be more of the same. When no more pearls of wisdom fell from her mouth, he tried again. “And where would that be?”

“If I tell you, can I have a raise?” she asked with a perfectly straight face.

“No. Donna, where is the file?” he pleaded. His patience was wearing very thin.

He looked so cute when he pleaded, she thought. Just like a 3-year-old asking for a cookie before dinner. Deciding he’d had enough, she took pity on him. She walked over to his desk and stood beside him. Laying her hand on a stack to his right, she counted down 3 in the pile, pulled out the file, and without looking to see if it was right, which of course it was, she handed it to him.

She was standing close enough that he could smell her perfume. Vanilla with maybe a hint of jasmine. It was all he’d ever remembered her wearing and he’d always liked it. Wow. Where had that thought come from? ‘Don't go there,’ he told himself. He was just getting tired, he reasoned. Yes, that had to be it. She, on the other hand, she looked as fresh and competent as when she first arrived. God, he hated that about her. “So tell me the truth. You hid that there, right?” he asked. “I mean, you knew I was going to need it so you came in here and hid it when I was in talking to Leo.” 

Rolling her eyes, Donna turned and walked toward the door. “Yeah, Josh. I have nothing better to do than come in here and hide your files.”

“Then how else could you possibly know where that file was?” Secretly, he’d figured out a long time ago that question was rhetorical. She just knew. She always knew.

“I have them all tagged with radio transceivers.”

He leaned back in his chair. “Radio transceivers? As in AM/FM?” He didn’t know why he let her draw him into these weird conversations. Of course, it didn’t have anything to do with the fact that they were often the small highlights of his day.

“No. As in radio transceivers they use to track animals in the wild.”

“So it’s kind of your own ‘catch and release’ program for the files?” Amused, he grinned slightly, despite himself.

“Something like that. And the master control is all right here,” she said, tapping a finger against her temple. “Fear the master control, Josh.” Grinning, she leaned against the door frame. “I knew where the file was because I saw you lay it there and then lay the other files on top of it while you were looking for the Bluffton report earlier today.” Before he could say anything, she pressed on, “By the way, speaking of tracking animals in the wild, did you know that the transceivers they use today are modified versions of transceivers that were invented in 1972 in by an environmental zoologist named Winston Splenfield, while he was studying the migratory mating habits of the Alaskan bull moose?”

“Go. Get out of my office, you’re giving me a headache,” he said, shooing her with a wave of his hand. Actually, she was helping to take the one he already had, down a peg or two.

Feeling like she won that round, she sighed happily. A job well done. “Fine, I’ll just take the master control and go home,” she turned and walked to her desk. “Good night,” she called to him after collecting her things. “Oh, and go home sometime in this century, Joshua,” she tossed over her shoulder at him.

He imagined her walking out of the bullpen toward the double doors and the exit. She had nice legs too. Long and...whoa! 'Get a grip, Josh,' he told himself. “You’re not the boss of me, Donnatella,” he called back at her.

She smiled as she walked out. Growing up, she’d always hated “Donnatella.” It had always made her cringe to hear people call her that. Her mother was the only one she’d never minded calling her that with any regularity. Before Josh, that is. He called her by her full name at the oddest moments and it never ceased to make her heart and her stomach do a slow summersault. And it was one of the many reasons why she'd loved him almost from the moment she'd met him in his office at the New Hampshire campaign headquarters. She suppressed that thought. No use going there. He didn't see her as anything more than an assistant. Okay, she thought, by now he saw her as a friend, okay a good friend, maybe even a best friend. Especially after Rosslyn. But in any case, he didn't seem interested in changing their status. Which was okay with her. Anything else just would have added another level of complication to their already complex relationship. Not to mention probably put both of their jobs, or at the very least, their reputations, in jeopardy. He needed her and that was enough. 

********

Donna pulled up in front of her apartment building and parked her car. Climbing out, she reached into the back seat for her purse, only to find the spot where it usually sat empty. "Damn," she muttered. She'd forgotten it at work. Well, she had her keys so at least she could get inside her apartment and it wasn't as if she'd left it on a bus or something. She'd left it in the most secure spot in the world, the White House. That pretty much ruled out the need to worry it was going to disappear. She could always run over and get it tomorrow, hopefully Josh wouldn’t decide he needed to work on Sunday. If he caught her there, she'd never leave.

It was late on a Saturday and all was quiet in her semi-questionable neighborhood as she walked up the stairs to her third-story apartment. August was only a few days old and summer was blazing in all its glory. It didn’t help that coming home had been a lonelier experience in the last few weeks since her roommate, Cindy, had moved out to live with her boyfriend and Donna hadn’t had a chance to get a new roommate. She would need to get one soon, as paying the rent money all by herself was just not going to work for her budget. Since she’d taken them with her, Donna didn’t even have Cindy’s cats for company. 'Maybe I’ll get a cat of my own,’ she thought. ‘Or maybe a dog.’ Stopping at the door to her apartment, she pulled out her keys. She could go to the animal shelter and get one. Turning the key, she opened the door and stepped inside. Locking it behind her, she wondered for a minute if they were open on Sundays.

It was pitch black inside, which struck her as odd as she always left the kitchen light on. “Light must have burned out,” she mumbled, setting her keys, her cell phone and her White House ID on the table by the door. Something else that struck her as odd was the fact that it was fairly comfortable in the room, downright cool even, and she noted the AC was running. She must have left it on from last night. That would explain why the window she usually cracked open during the day was closed. Actually is wasn’t just cool, it was downright frigid in the room. She must have bumped the knob or something this morning. Wow, her next electric bill was going to be a killer. Reaching down she tugged off one shoe and then the other. It felt good to wiggle her toes as she walked over to the lamp and bent to turn it on.

As her hand touched the switch, the world exploded as something hard slammed down on her head. Darkness became deeper darkness and then complete black as she fell to the floor, unconscious and bleeding from a gash on the back of her head.

“Now it begins,” a soft, menacing voice said as it floated down to her still form. 

TBC

***********  
Chapter 2 - MATURE

It’s funny what the mind will latch onto in a time of crisis. For Donna, it was time. Maybe it came from the fact that she had to keep such a tight reign on Josh's time, but her next conscious thought was, “What time is it?” She’d said it out loud, or had tried to. Nothing had come out but a rasp and her throat felt raw, sore and tight as if it were swollen. ‘Great,’ she thought. ‘I’ve caught the flu.’ The sudden nausea she felt reinforced that idea. Josh was going to kill her for being sick and then he’d whine and tell her not to get her germs on him. She opened her eyes and was greeted by a busily spinning view of her bedroom. ‘I promise to never again have whatever devil's spawn of an alcoholic beverage, or from the way I feel, beverages, I had last night,’ she thought. This had to be the mother, father and 15 cousins of all hangovers. When the room began to slow, she managed to glance toward the window. Pale, early morning sunlight was just beginning to seep in. 'Why was the room so cold?' she wondered. It felt like she was lying in a refrigerator.

But everything paled to the massive pain that began to report in from what seemed to be every inch of her body. This was not the ‘I’m achy from a cold’ type of pain or the ‘kill me now’ type from a hangover. It was the, ‘I must have died after being run over repeatedly by a semi truck’ type of pain. Her head seemed to be trying to pull itself in 6 directions, all away from each other. The pain in the right side of her face was enormous and she realized her right eye didn’t seem to want to open very far. As a reflex, she moved, or tried to move her right hand to touch her face. Her arm screamed in protest and she realized she was laying on it. But even that didn’t seem right. It was turned at a funny angle.

Picking her head up in preparation to roll off her arm, she looked down at herself in the dim light coming through the bedroom window. Fear. Bone melting fear flashed through her. Where were her clothes? When she slept alone, she never slept in the nude, always preferring to wear at least a t-shirt or, if it was especially hot and her AC wasn’t working, her panties. And what was all over her? She began to pick up subtle nuances in her body. Sticky. Crusty. Something sticky, crusty, and in places brownish red, fanned out in various places from her neck to her knees. 

The brownish red she was pretty sure was drying blood, not a lot but enough that it only added to her blossoming terror. The other? Semen? Her mind absolutely refused to acknowledge that possibility. The smell hit her then. The smell of sex. The smell of blood. 

Instead of dwelling on the smell, her body decided now would be a good time to let the nausea take charge. She tried to roll to the side but just didn’t have the strength and the resulting pain from her sore arm being pushed harder into the mattress only made the situation more urgent. She only managed to turn her head far enough to vomit on the empty spot on the bed next to her. Her throat now felt like it was full a thousand hot needles and she couldn’t seem to catch her breath. Her throat had apparently decided it wouldn't cooperate with any more vomiting. Of course, it was beginning to feel like there wouldn’t be much room left for air either. She tried to slow her breathing and not panic, using what little air she had. Oddly the skin on her hip had begun to sting. No, burn was more accurate, as did the area between her legs.

Still trying to remain calm and keeping her breathing shallow, she was struck with one thought. Help. She needed help. Looking to her left at her nightstand and where she kept her the phone and she saw that not only was the phone not there, the nightstand itself seemed to be missing. After taking a moment to regroup and hope that she would have enough breath to do it, she tried to roll again, this time away from her sore arm. Ignoring the myriad of new pains it caused, she managed to roll over once and she lay face down on the edge of her queen-sized bed.

Moving her head slightly she looked over edge of the mattress. ‘Oh, there’s the nightstand,’ she thought calmly. It was turned over and the contents were spilled all over the place. On the floor, right next to the bed, she saw the phone peeking out from under the edge of one of the scarves she usually kept in the drawer of the nightstand. An angry tone issued from it, telling her it had been off the hook for a while. She managed to pull her good arm out from wherever it had been hiding and reached for the phone. Spots had begun to dance in front of her eyes and her throat was just not cooperating with the whole breathing thing. With determination, her fingers closed around the cool plastic and pressing the hook button on the receiver, she got a dial tone. 

Her first thought was to call Josh, but then she discarded it. This was just too big, too, whatever it was, and her brain didn't want to work enough to remember his number. Instead she dialed 911 and somehow managed to bring the receiver to her lips as the dots began to get bigger and angrier. 

“911, what’s your emergency?” a cool, professional voice answered. 

“Help,” Donna managed, in a voice that was trying to be a scream but was ending up a notch below a whisper. “Help me,” she said, her voice not managing to get any louder. She didn’t even know if they could hear her. ‘No one is going to help me. I’m going to die and no one is going to help me. So many things I've never done. I never told Josh I love him,’ was her last thought before the dots got together and decided to unionize into one whole field of grayish black that swallowed her whole.

“Hello? Please state your emergency,” the voice said, as the receiver slipped from her hand and fell with a thud onto the floor.

*********

"Ms. Moss? Ms. Moss, wake up. I need you to open your eyes," a strange voice said. Part of her screamed to stay where it was, down in the cool, painless, blissful blackness. But like having a great dream, the harder she tried to stay there the more difficult it was and she began to surface. Her eyes opened and she recoiled at the young male face she saw and for a reason she had no concept of, she swiped out at him. 

He pulled back, "No, Ms. Moss, you're all right. You have to calm down." 

His words didn't reach her and this time his female companion took his seat and tried again. "Ms. Moss," she began. "We're paramedics and you're safe. You need to calm down. We're taking you to the hospital, but you need to be calm so we can help you." The young brunette smiled at Donna as she relaxed back into the gurney. "Good. Now can you tell me your name?" she asked, trying to assess Donna’s consciousness and awareness level.

"Donna," she tried to speak. Her throat still burned and the oxygen mask over her mouth didn't help the sound carry any better. On the good side, her ability to breathe seemed to be better. The young female paramedic leaned down and pulled the oxygen mask away so she could say it again, "Donna."

"Donna. Good, Donna. I'm Emily. This is Mike. Donna, do you know what day it is?"

‘What a stupid question,’ her brain thought. "What time is it?" she rasped.

"6:30 in the morning," Emily said.

"Then it's Sunday," she replied.

"Good, Donna. Who's the President?"

She started to smile and then abruptly stopped when arrows of pain shot through the right side of her face. "Bartlet," she finally managed.

"Good. We're almost at the hospital, is there someone you'd like us to call for you?"

Her immediate thought, again, was Josh. He'd be there in a heartbeat. But what would she say? How could she even look at him? With everything else, she wasn't ready to see him. She wasn't ready to think about what was happening to her, much less be able to talk to him about it. She also wasn't ready to see what she knew would be the pain and the pity in his eyes when he saw her. But who? The idea of calling her parents about this was even worse than calling Josh. Besides still being in Wisconsin, her parents already didn’t approve of her life in D.C. In fact they were barely speaking these days. They would only use this as ammunition in their continuing attack as to how much she'd screwed up her life by leaving the good thing she had with Dr. Freeride and moving onto the Bartlet campaign and Washington D.C.. Cindy, her old roommate, she vaguely remembered, was out of town with Robert this week. ‘I'm so tired,’ she thought, feeling herself drift. ‘Too tired to think about whatever it was I was thinking about. I’ll just go back to sleep.’

"Donna?" Emily repeated, pulling her back. "Is there anyone you'd like us to call for you?"

‘Maybe if I answer her, she'll let me go back to sleep,’ Donna thought. "CJ. CJ Cregg." Yes, that was perfect. After they checked her out at the hospital and made her head not feel like it had been used for hockey practice, CJ could just come and give her a ride back to her apartment....no, no, no. Something in her rebelled. You're not going back there. Okay then, to a hotel or whatever. She'd take a couple of days of sick time and then go back to work. No harm done and Josh would never be the wiser. "She works at the White House," she said in a voice not higher than half a low whisper. It was getting kind of annoying not being able to speak very loudly.

"CJ Cregg?" Emily said, putting the oxygen mask back down on Donna's face, "The White House Press Secretary?" Donna nodded. "You've got some important friends, Donna." Emily looked up and past Donna as the ambulance went over a speed bump. "We're here, Donna. Now it may get a little scary inside, people are going to be examining you and asking a lot of questions. Just try to stay calm."

Donna nodded and closed her eyes to save her strength for the next onslaught of probing eyes and questions. The cool, painless black was missing this time and she only saw the backside of her own eyelids.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 3 - YTEEN

"Hey, pal o' mine. What did you do? Sleep here last night?" CJ said as she breezed into her office. Josh only moaned from the depths of her couch. He’d planned to go home last night, but had never made it out of the White House.

Josh did a slow roll and looked up at her, "Anyone looking as chipper as you are at," he looked at his watch, "6:15 a.m., on a Sunday should be shot."

"Like Donna keeps saying, you have a crappy watch. It's 6:45."

"Yeah, ‘cause a half an hour is going to rock my world right now," he said. When CJ only grinned at him like a lunatic, he groaned. "Oh, man, you got lucky last night, didn't you?"

"Even you can't bring me down today, Deputy Downer," she said, adopting the name that Donna used on him once in a while. "Ben and I had dinner, it went really well...so did breakfast," she smirked.

"What happened to the whole ‘I don’t want to date him because of our history and I don’t want to be one of THOSE women?’”

“Again, I’m ignoring the Deputy Downer comments,” she replied with a grin. 

Josh considered that. “’Kay. I bet he even made you coffee this morning and everything," Josh said, trying to sit up.

"Actually, we went out for breakfast and had espresso at a little French place he knows."

"What little French place?" Will asked walking into CJ's office.

"Hey, Will," CJ said, greeting him with a smile. "Bistro Francais," CJ replied in her most seductive, French accent-laden voice.

"That little place on M Street?" Will asked.

"Yeah. It was great. We had fresh croissants and coffee..." she began.

"Do you have to rub it in?" The heavenly thought of fresh French pastries and espresso made Josh slump over again. 

"Who's 'we'?" Will asked.

"Me and Ben is 'we.' We had dinner. We had each other. We had breakfast." CJ replied, with a grin.

Josh managed to sit up again and hoped he be able to maintain the position this time, "Again, I say, do you have to rub it in?"

"Why is it that everyone around here can get a date but me?" Will asked.

Josh stared at Will, "If you want, I can give you Amy's number. ‘Cause I'm sure you guys would, you know, hit it off." 

CJ snorted, "Josh, that's just so wrong...."

"...on so many levels?" Will finished. He knew that was a favorite saying of Sam's.

‘Will doesn't know the half of it,’ Josh thought. He carefully avoided mentioning the fact that he'd had a...well, a thing, with Amy over the summer. A thing that involved a kiss in his office and a couple of nights of fairly athletic, but in the end, pointless sex with her. It had been so stupid. He'd been so stupid. He'd needed someone and she'd been handy. End of story. He'd used her to try and relieve the stress he'd felt over the VP's nomination and a number of other things. Then there had been the whole thing with the fish on his desk and the story about him being the 101st senator and Amy's unique way of rounding up support for domestic violence funding. The last one had sent the President into orbit. Josh's regret at remaking old mistakes with her was total and complete. Amy had resigned and was gone now, although he figured she'd pop up again. Someone with her political drive would land on their feet somewhere in D.C. 

On a personal front, there had been no big scene, no big break up or blow up. She'd just left and he'd just let her. He'd had bigger fish to fry with Senator Carrick and his black hole missile launcher proposal. Maybe there was a lesson to be learned there. She hadn't been important enough for him to stop. Now if it had been Donna trying to leave.....well, best not to go there.

Then, of course, the other shoe had dropped and he’d been nearly flattened by the fallout from Carrick’s defection to the Republican side of the fence. Just when he thought things couldn’t get any worse, Leo had taken him down a peg and brought in Angela Blake to ‘help him with his legislative portfolio and the budget negotiations.’ Right. She’d help him all right. Right out of his job she’d help him. But, there again, was Donna. Donna, whose teasing manner and quiet support had kept him sane. Donna, who had sent Ryan to the restaurant to help him save face. And Donna, amazing Donna, who had pulled the “What a Shame” file right out of her magic bag of tricks and helped give him purpose when he’d been adrift. 

That reminded him of something Amy had said to him after the last time they'd been together, together in the Biblical sense, that is. It had been just a week or two before she’d resigned. Things had already begun to get a bit strained between them and when he'd pressed her for some kind of idea about where they were going. Talking about their relationship had been the last thing on Amy's mind. They'd both ended getting a little irked and frustrated with each other. It was then that Josh began to feel that Amy had been the one using him instead of the other way around. It hadn't been an easy thing for him to admit, even to himself.

As he'd stood getting dressed in her bedroom, she'd laughed softly. Not an "it's really funny" laugh but an "it's really bizarre" laugh. Then she'd said the most interesting thing, "Donna said I didn't get you. I guess she was right." She'd looked at him then, an unreadable expression on her face. "So you know she's in love with you, right?"

His heart had skipped at that, "Did she tell you that?"

"She didn't have to. I asked her straight out and even though she didn't answer me, the look on her face was all the answer I needed." He'd just stood there in the middle of Amy's bedroom, his shirt in his hand, not saying a word. "And you're in love with her," Amy added, just the trace of tired bitterness seeping into her words.

"I have to go," Josh had mumbled, collecting his things. Amy hadn't said anything further. Hadn't tried to stop him from going. He needed to do some thinking. Some thinking, not about him and Amy, but about him and Donna. It always seemed to come back to that, didn't it? He needed to figure out what was happening between him and Donna. What HAD been happening for 6 years. He and Donna had become the best of friends. There were times when he wanted more than that. There were times when he suspected she did too. But they just seemed to keep missing each other. There was always some boyfriend/gomer for her or a bump-into-her-sideways girlfriend for him or a national crisis like Zoey's kidnapping for both of them. He just didn't know how to take the next step or even if he should take the next step. Hell, he didn't even know what the next step WAS. A month had passed since that night in Amy's apartment and he was still trying to figure out what to do.

Pulling himself back to the present, Josh looked up at CJ. "So, did you bring me any coffee?" he asked, spying the insulated cup in her hand. He could just see the trickle of steam rising through the hole in the lid.

CJ looked at him solemnly, "Yes, I brought this espresso just for you," she started. "Oh, and during this morning's briefing I was also planning on pulling Danny up and the stage and planting a big wet one on him in front of the whole press corps." She laughed and this time is was Will's turn to snort.

Josh just groaned, "Very funny. You're mean after you've had sex and espresso."

"No, mi amore, I believe the word you looking for is ‘charged.’ Speaking of coffee, where's Donna today? She's not at her desk. I guess she must have gnawed her way through that chain you've always got around her ankle and escaped."

He attempted sitting up again. "Hey, some people think I'm a nice guy. You make me sound like Simon Legree or something. I might be inclined to be even nicer if a certain blonde person would bring me coffee once in a while," he mumbled the last part.

"What did you say, Joshua?" CJ said, even though she had heard all of it perfectly. The tone in her voice had Will taking a step back and told Josh that, happy or not, she would still smack him in the head if he stepped out of line. Especially where Donna was concerned. He slid a little farther away from her. 

"Nothing," he said, fighting yet another urge to slide back into the cushions.

"Good. And by the way, you are a Simon Legree and Donna's the only one who can put up with you for longer than 5 minutes so you’d better be nice to her or the Sisterhood will break your kneecaps. You're a big boy, you can get your own coffee."

He rubbed his hand over his face in defeat. "I was going to give her the day off, but I think I'm going to need her help with the Foley thing. You know what a whiz she is with research and I still need more information to go with what I already have."

"Just don't keep her here too long," she replied.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, Mom."

Just on principle, she gave him a light smack in the head. She figured if nothing else, it would help wake him up, "Don't call me Mom."

"Ow!" he said. "Why do you always smack me around? Especially in front of a witness," he said, indicating Will.

"Hey," Will replied, "leave me out of this." He'd learned quickly that when she was in smacking mode it was dangerous to step between CJ and the ‘smackee.’

"I give you a smack now and then because it helps keep you line," she said, grinning. "Now stop drooling on my couch and drag your ass back to your own office." Feeling like she'd gotten his day started off on the right foot, she walked behind her desk and plopped down in her chair. Josh didn’t move off her couch right away, but the death look she gave him shortly had him scrambling up and out of her office with Will in tow. Together they headed off for Josh's office, Will had a couple of questions for Josh concerning an upcoming address the VP was going to give to the United Farm Workers Union.

Smiling, CJ took a sip of the espresso she brought with her from breakfast while she checked her voicemail messages. 

"JOSH!" she yelled, jumping out of her chair. The panic in her voice cut right through his sleepy brain and they almost collided in the hall as they flew out of their respective offices in their attempt to find each other. 

"What?!" he said, stumbling back into Will so he didn't run into her.

"Donna. It's Donna. I had a message from George Washington Hospital that Donna's there and she gave them my name as her emergency contact."

"Why didn't she give them my name?" he asked, just a little hurt. Donna should know by now that he would be there for her if she was sick or hurt. She'd told him once that she still held a bit of a tiny grudge against Sam for not calling her when Josh had been shot. She'd found out about the shooting after seeing a news broadcast on TV and had come to the hospital to help Josh take care of things while the President recovered. Only when she got to the hospital, had she discovered that he too had been a victim. Even then it had been Toby, and not Sam, who had told her. So she, more than anyone, would know that he would want to know.

"Focus, Josh. Donna's in the hospital," she said, clearly and slowly as if she was talking to a 3rd grader. "We can argue later about who she called. Let's get down there," CJ said, pulling out her cell phone to call the hospital back and let them know they were on their way. It never occurred to CJ that there might be reason why Donna would have asked for her specifically and not Josh.

"You guys want me to come too?" Will asked, his own concern showing for Donna. She been very helpful and kind to him as he tried to get settled into this asylum they called the White House.

CJ and Josh were already heading down the corridor, "No, tell Leo what's happened. We'll call with an update once we know more," Josh said as he and CJ ran out.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 4 - MATURE

Everything seemed horribly disjointed to her. She kept falling asleep and so she’d wake up again in the middle of someone asking a question. It was all very annoying.

Waking up in the middle of the nightmare her life had become was bad enough, but she felt like her sanity was now stretched by a microscopically fine thread as she endured the emergency room in the hospital. The only saving grace had been that she'd been assigned a female trauma doctor. It was bad enough to have another woman touch her, not just intimately but anywhere. She didn't think she could have handled a male doctor.

It wasn't that they weren't kind and tried to be patient and caring, because they were. Intellectually she knew that. Instinctively and emotionally she wanted to scream at them to stop touching her, especially since every other time they did, a new wave of pain erupted from somewhere in her body. To get the samples the police needed, the doctor and 2 nurses had swabbed her from head to toe. From her face and mouth to cleaning under her fingernails to the bottoms of her feet. She felt like a human Petri dish.

Of course, she couldn't scream, couldn't even really talk. Why did her throat feel so badly? One of the nurses had been given the job of listening to her half-whispered answers to the questions the staff was throwing at her and translating them as they assessed her condition. The questions were something else she wanted to scream at them for. The questions only served to make her think about things she didn't want to think about. She just wanted to sleep. Why didn’t they let her sleep? 

They wanted to know who hurt her. She didn't remember. They wanted to know what happened to her. She didn't remember. She really didn't remember. Her memory of the past 7 hours was a dark hole in her mind. Where did it hurt? Everywhere. Where did it hurt the most? Her head. Her face. Her throat. Her arm. Deep in her abdomen. Between her legs. Did she have any allergies? Penicillin and raspberries. When was her last period and could she be pregnant? She'd finished about 2 weeks ago and she was on the pill so there was pretty much no way she was pregnant. Why would they ask about those things now? Why would they matter?

Sensing her patient was reaching the end of her rope, the doctor, Dr. Susan Holden, her name tag said, came to stand next to her. Donna had to focus really hard on the sound of the doctor’s voice to keep from falling asleep. "Donna? I know it's hard and I know it hurts. We can't give you anything for pain until we take a CT scan and determine the extent of your head injury and we can't take you up for a CT scan until we finish getting some samples and I can finish a pelvic exam." 

Donna started to shake her head in protest but the doctor pressed on. "I know you're scared. I know that something bad has happened to you and that you don't want someone, anyone touching you there. But I have to examine you. I promise to be a gentle as possible. You have some vaginal bleeding that doesn't seem to want to stop and I need to find out what's going on down there. During the exam I can also take last of the samples the police will need. The doctor avoided saying "Rape Kit" as she wasn't sure if that would be the final thing to push her patient over the edge. Knowing her patient wasn’t ready to hear it yet, she also didn’t tell Donna that part of the samples would be sent off to be tested for various diseases, including Hepatitis and HIV. 

As soon as Donna’s stomach cooperated, Dr. Holden had already arranged to have her started on preemptive courses of drugs to fight off anything she might have been exposed to during the attack. This was critically important as not only had her attacker not used a condom but with the vaginal bleeding, possibly contaminated semen had come into direct contact with her blood stream, increasing the chances infection by a number of diseases. At least there was one burden she wouldn’t have to bear. Since Donna had already been taking birth control pills, there wouldn’t be any need for her to take additional drugs to ward off any unwanted pregnancy that might result from the attack.

She stopped for a moment to let Donna think. To give her back some say in what happened to her. To have some control. "We had a call from your friend, CJ Cregg. She's on her way. Would you rather wait until you have a friendly face here to be with you? We could wait a few minutes."

Her first reaction was that she wanted to say yes. She'd never felt so alone and wanted some to be there with her. For half a second, she wished she'd told them to call Josh. As much of a friend as CJ had been to her, Josh had always been the equivalent of emotional comfort food to her. That thought was quickly squashed. In any other circumstance that would be true. But this...this was different. She couldn't let him see her like this. Couldn't let him know what had happened, even what little she actually remembered. In fact, she decided, she didn't want anyone to see her like this. Not even CJ. She was not going to be a burden to anyone. Like so much in her life, she could and would handle it on her own. And she wanted to get it over and done with as soon as possible so they would leave her alone and let her sleep.

Donna turned her head toward the interpreter nurse. "No. Don't want anyone here. Do it now."

The nurse, her nametag said Brenda, looked up at Dr. Holden and translated. Dr. Holden looked from the nurse to Donna. She gave Donna a soft smile. "Okay, then we'll take care of it now. I just want you to know that if the bleeding is coming from what I think it is, I'll need to give you a local so I can put in some stitches. The shot may hurt quite a bit..." Dr. Holden said.

‘Great,’ Donna thought. Something to look forward to.

"...but then you'll feel better." 

‘Well, that's something at least,’ Donna thought. And it would be a first since she'd woken up this morning. She nodded at the doctor in understanding.

"Then, after we take some pictures for the police..."

‘Just what I need, a Technicolor reminder of this day for posterity,’ Donna mused tiredly. She knew that the police would need the record of what had happened but she wasn't feeling exactly photogenic. She wanted to care, wanted to say no, but couldn't work up the energy.

"...we'll get your CT scan and other X-rays done. Then we'll send you to orthopedics and have them take care of your arm," Dr. Holden said. At Donna's questioning look, she explained further. "You've got a dislocated elbow. That's why your arm hurts so much. Orthopedics will reduce the dislocation. You won't need a cast, just a sling for a couple of weeks."

Well, Donna thought, she could just tell everyone she tripped or something. It was her right arm, though, and she was right-handed. It was going to make typing hard and if Josh thought her penmanship was bad before he was going to love how she wrote with her left hand. “Can I leave after that?” Donna rasped to Brenda, who in turn told Dr. Holden.

“No. How long you have to stay here will depend on the results of your CT scan. In any case, we’ll need to keep you overnight for observation. If your CT scans come out showing nothing more than a concussion, we could possibly release you tomorrow.” Donna nodded, then pointed to her throat.

Dr. Holden didn’t need an interpreter to understand her. “You vocal cords are severely bruised and inflamed and because of it there’s a bit of swelling. That’s what’s causing your throat problems. We’re going to leave you on some oxygen to make sure you’re staying well-ventilated. We’re done with our questions for now. So from here on out, I don’t want you speak for the next week. Not even whispering. Your throat will heal faster if you don’t speak.” Dr. Holden patted Donna’s shoulder and then moved around to the end of the table.

Terrific. Her arm was going to be in sling so writing and typing was going to be a challenge and she wasn’t going to be able to talk. Just how the hell did her vocal cords get severely bruised and inflamed? She wanted to scream. Her brain had just about reached its saturation point for information.

"Donna," Brenda asked her. "Would you like me to hold your hand?" Donna nodded and Brenda held the hand on her good arm while Dr. Holden and the nurses put her up in the stirrups for the exam. "Here, we go Donna."

The exam was fairly high on the painful scale, but Donna only laid there with hot, silent tears running out of the corner of her eyes and into her hair. 

"You're doing great, Donna, we're almost done. I've taken all the samples and I've found what's causing the bleeding. Just as I thought, you'll need a couple of stitches. I'm going to give you the local now, squeeze Brenda's hand if your ready." 

‘I’m so not ready,’ Donna thought. But since she wouldn't be ready anytime in the next couple of centuries, she squeezed Brenda's hand anyway and the nurse communicated that to Dr. Holden. 

She had no idea that she could experience a new level of pain but the needle going into her tender, battered internal flesh brought her up into a near sitting position. Stripping the last of her voice away, a low guttural scream managed to escape from her throat and with it came the immediate need to vomit. One of the nurses, ready for this reaction brought a bowl up to her mouth, while Brenda helped support her as she threw up. She had nothing left in her system and only managed to make everything hurt more with her dry heaving.

"I'm so sorry, Donna," Dr. Holden said with real compassion and sympathy in her voice. "We'll wait a minute for the local to take effect just to make sure you don't have any more discomfort.

'Too late,' Donna thought. After a moment or two, she discovered that indeed there was less pain from that part of her body. She was so tired and she wished her head didn't hurt so damn much. When Dr. Holden sat down and went back to work, Donna didn't feel any more discomfort. She closed her eyes for a moment and this time the cool, painless black welcomed her with open arms.

************

CJ and Josh jogged through the emergency room entrance and headed for the emergency room admitting desk. The young nurse on duty looked up as they approached. "Can I help you?"

"I'm CJ Cregg and this is Joshua Lyman," CJ said, trying to catch her breath. "We received a call that a friend of ours was here? Donna Moss."

"Yes, Ms. Cregg. Please follow me. The doctor asked that I have you wait in her office. Mr. Lyman, I’m afraid you’ll have to stay here." The nurse got up and motioned for CJ to follow her.

"Why can’t I come, too?” Josh asked. “Please,” he paused. “She’s very important to me.”

The nurse considered for a moment. “I’ll leave it up to the doctor. You can wait with Ms. Cregg and we’ll let Dr. Holden decide.”

The three of them walked down the sparkling white hall. “Please, is Donna all right?” Josh asked.

The nurse seemed to consider her words carefully. "At this time, her injuries don’t appear to be life threatening," the nurse said, showing them to a tiny office off the main emergency room. "The doctor will give you an update when she arrives. Please sit down, she should be with you in a few minutes." 

They sat there for a few minutes, not knowing what to say. “I guess I should call Leo and let him know what’s going on,” CJ said, pulling out her phone.

Josh listened in silence as CJ made the call. ‘What are you going to tell him?’ Josh asked silently. ‘What happened?’ his mind screamed. What could be wrong with Donna? His Donnatella. God, he hated hospitals. He especially hated this one. After he’d been shot, he’d gotten way too familiar with the stark walls of GW. But if Donna, after everything she’d done for him, needed him to be here, then he’d be here. 

“Okay, Leo. We’ll let you know,” she said, hanging up, just as the doctor walked in.

The doctor was fairly young, about 35. Her badge said “Dr. Susan Holden.” She looked a bit surprised to see the two of them sitting in her office. She looked to CJ, “Ms. Cregg?”

“Yes, doctor. I’m CJ Cregg. This is Josh Lyman. We’re both friends and co-workers of Donna’s.”

The doctor looked unsure for a moment, “I’m sorry, Mr. Lyman. I'll need you to wait outside while I speak to Ms. Cregg.”

Josh wasn’t going to back down. He was going to be part of this discussion. For himself and for Donna. “Please, doctor. I’d need to know what’s going on. I’m Donna’s boss but she is also one of my best friends. I’d like to help her if I can.”

The doctor took a second look at him, as if trying to remember something. “You’re the White House Deputy Chief of Staff, aren’t you? The one that was shot a couple of years ago. I was just finishing my residency about that time.”

“Yes, ma’am. Donna’s my assistant.”

“Oh, wait. Of course. I thought she looked familiar,” Dr. Holden said quietly as she sat down behind the desk. “I remember her. She was standing in an observation room, watching your surgery. I remember because I was going to tell her that she was in a restricted area. But when I saw her, I couldn't bring myself to say the words," she paused, remembering. "She was standing there, watching you through the glass. No tears or sobbing or theatrics. Her eyes never left you, she just looked at you like she was willing you to live. As if she could pass you her strength through the glass,” she paused again and took a breath. “Then the First Lady walked in and told me that Ms. Moss was there under her authority and she pulled me out of the room.” Dr. Holden ran her hands over her tired eyes. Her patient had been different then. Worried and grieving, but not the battered and traumatized woman she’d just seen.

Josh exchanged a silent look with CJ. He hadn’t known that she’d done that. He remembered her being there when he woke up, standing just behind Leo. But he hadn’t known that she’d stood watch over him like some guardian angel while the doctors had worked to save his ravaged heart. How like Donna to look after him, even when he was unconscious.

“Yes. Doctor, that sounds just like Donna. She’s very important to me. Please tell us what’s happened to her,” Josh pleaded. “The nurse wouldn’t give us any information. Did she have an accident? Is she sick?”

Because of the bond she sensed between the man in her office and the woman in her hospital, she decided to let him stay. “I’m sorry Mr. Lyman, Ms. Cregg, it’s not quite that simple. Ms. Moss was sexually assaulted and nearly strangled to death in her apartment sometime during the night.”

CJ gasped and Josh stopped breathing altogether. It was now pretty clear to Josh why Donna had told them to call CJ and not him. "But she's going to be all right, isn't she, doctor?" CJ asked.

Dr. Holden considered for a moment, "Physically, yes. She'll recover. Emotionally, I doubt things will be so simple,” she trailed off. 

"Can we see her?" CJ asked.

"Not yet. I just sent her up to radiology for a CT scan and X-rays. Then we'll send her to orthopedics. After that we'll get her settled in a room and you can see her," Dr. Holden replied, folding her hands in front of her on the desk. "I need you both to understand some things about Ms. Moss' condition. You need to be prepared before you see her," she took a breath and looked at each of them squarely. "Your reactions when you see her could harm her recovery if you're not careful."

"Of course, doctor, please go on," CJ said.

"Physically, she'll need a week or two to recover. Once we get the reports from radiology, I'll have a clearer picture of her condition. I'm fairly certain she has a grade 3 concussion and not a skull fracture."

"What's a grade 3 concussion?" Josh asked. 

"It's a concussion characterized by a loss of consciousness that lasts longer than 5 minutes or post-traumatic amnesia that lasts longer than 24 hours. At this time, Ms. Moss has no memory of the attack. I suspect that's a combination of emotional and physical factors. She was also apparently unconscious for quite a while as the attack happened sometime last night but she didn’t call for help until early this morning. When the paramedics found her she was unconscious and has continued to drift in an out this morning as we examined her." She paused to let that sink in, then continued. "But even if it is a concussion, rather than a fracture, she'll need someone to keep a fairly close eye on her for the next few days."

"I can stay with her," CJ and Josh said in unison.

"We'll take care of her," CJ said, for both of them.

Dr. Holden smiled, "It's good that she has friends like you two. She's going to need the support of those around her, even if she says she doesn't want it." She took a breath, "Ms. Moss also has a dislocated elbow, so she'll need to keep it in a sling for a while but there shouldn't be any permanent impairment. She has a number of facial lacerations and bruises to the right side of her face, but her eye and the underlying bone structure seem to be fine. Oh, and I've instructed her not to speak for the next week."

"Why can't she speak?" Josh asked, trying to take it all in.

"Her vocal cords are severely bruised and inflamed, a result of the trauma to her neck during the attack," the doctor replied. We've given her medication to ease the inflammation and the swelling it caused," she paused. "She also has a burn injury to her abdomen that will require the dressing be changed daily. If either of you is squeamish about it..."

"No, we'll take care of it," Josh replied. He had a feeling he didn't want to know but asked anyway. "How did she get a burn injury on her abdomen?"

Like someone who has seen too many times what one person can do to another, Dr. Holden sighed and rubbed her eyes for a moment. "Her attacker left behind a calling card. In the skin just below her hipbone, using what we think was a cigarette, he burned 7 small holes in the shape of a happy face."

'Oh, God.' was all Josh could think. Oh, God. Donna's voice floated through his brain, commenting about her alabaster skin. "Will it scar?" he asked. 

"Most definitely," she replied. "One more thing..."

'One MORE thing?' Josh thought. How much more was Donna going to have to endure?

"The attack caused some tearing in the vaginal wall and we had to give her stitches. She's going to be very sore and uncomfortable for the next few days." She leaned back in her chair. "I hate to say this, but from my experience with other patients of sexual assault, her physical injuries are going to be the easier part of her recovery. As I said earlier, the emotional injuries are most likely going to be much harder to recover from. As standard procedure, someone from the rape crisis center in our psychiatric department will be contacting her to set up a time for an appointment and an evaluation. She'll need support from those around her and therapy to help her sort everything out."

‘No kidding,’ Josh mused. Her recovery from this would make his emotional trauma and recovery from Rosslyn seem like a walk in the park by comparison. But he intended to be there for her as she'd been for him. If she didn’t like it than he would just have to turn the tables on her and pull out his own set of “The Rules.”

Just then, Dr. Holden's pager went off. She looked at the number and then picked up the phone and dialed. "This is Dr. Holden, you paged me?" she said into the phone, nodding as she listened. "Okay, I'll be right there," she hung up the phone and stood up. "You two better come with me. That was radiology. Ms. Moss has become combative and uncooperative."

TBC

**********  
Chapter 5 - MATURE

The three of them charged into radiology and made their way to the CT suite. They found one technician sitting at the control console and, through a large glass window they saw the CT equipment and a second technician. The second technician stood at the mouth of the CT scanner, trying to calm a struggling Donna.

The first technician looked up from the console as they came in, he seemed a bit relieved by their arrival. “I’m glad you’re here, Dr. Holden.”

Josh watched Donna through the glass, his heart twisting in his chest. He couldn’t see her face as her head was inside the narrow scanning chamber but he could tell it was definitely her struggling frantically with the technician. 

“What happened?” Dr. Holden was asking the technician.

“We’re not sure, doctor. She slept through the other x-rays. Not a peep out of her. We put her on the gantry, not even a flicker. We slid the gantry into the scanner and then as we started to set up for the first scan, she woke up and has been combative ever sense. We’ve tried to get her to be still but as you can see, we haven’t had much luck.”

Dr. Holden leaned forward and pressed a button next to a microphone that fed into a speaker in the adjoining room. “Donna? Donna, this is Dr. Holden. You need to calm down. The procedure will go faster if you remain still. I know it’s a little close in there, but you need to be calm and still.” Her words seem to have little or no effect.

Dr. Holden turned to Josh and CJ. “Because of her head injury, I can’t sedate her, and under the circumstances, I don’t want to restrain her.” She focused on CJ. “Maybe a familiar voice would help. Do you think you could try talking to her?”

CJ nodded and stepped up to the mike and pressed the button. “Donna? Donna, it’s CJ. I came as quickly as I could. I know you're scared, but these people just want to help you,” she paused. “So what do you say? How about you help them so we can finish up and get you out of there?” Donna’s struggles slowed but didn’t stop. “Please, Donna...”

“Let me try,” Josh said, softly.

Part of Donna knew she should be quiet and still. But that part was being overridden by the part of her that was in full blow panic mode. She’d woken up in what felt like a small, white metal tube. A metal tube that felt like it was slowly, ever so slowly, contracting in on her. The white pressed in on her, making her feel trapped. She had absolutely reached the end of the road on her patience and tolerance. She’d had enough and was determined to get out of this contraption they had her in and run out of this booby hatch they called a hospital. She saw it as a blessing she didn’t remember what had happened to her last night. But the process at the hospital was going to forever gouged into her memory with crystal clarity. The parts she'd been awake for anyway. It also vaguely occurred to her that the process in the hospital had probably taken longer than the actual attack, or whatever is was, had.

When she heard CJ's voice, she had felt a momentary sense of relief that someone familiar, someone who could take her away from this place was near. But it hadn’t been enough to get rid of all the panic or the sense of being trapped. She wanted out and she wanted out now.

“Donna?” Josh’s voice flowed around her in the tube. His tone was a softer, gentler version of the one he often bellowed at her to get her attention. “Donna, it’s Josh.” ‘As if I wouldn’t know his voice,’ Donna thought. Hearing him speak, knowing he was close by, she was flooded with two different emotions.

The first was absolute and utter embarrassment and humiliation at him seeing her in the hospital. She didn’t want him to see her battered and chewed up. She didn’t want what had happened to her to touch him in any way. She wanted to continue to be the strong, capable person he relied on.

The second was complete and utter, soothing relief, to the point where she wanted nothing more than to crawl into his arms and cry out all the pain, physical and emotional, that she was feeling.

Both emotions had the side benefit of shoving the panic out of her system. Her left arm, the uninjured one, which had been flaying against the sides of the tube, dropped to her side and her legs were still. She looked up at the white and felt the feeling of being trapped and crushed by it begin to seep back into her. 

“I need you to do something for me, Donna.” Josh’s voice said. Donna’s assistant side perked up its ears and, out of habit, she waited for his instructions. “Close your eyes...” she did as he asked, “...and listen to the sound of my voice,” he paused. “You remember when you asked me to give you skis for our first Christmas in the White House?”

Yes, of course she remembered. His voice began to wrap around her, acting as a soothing barrier to the crushing white. Everything else faded but the sound of his voice. She didn’t even hear the machinery start up as they took the scans. “I know you liked the book I gave you...” she’d loved it. “But I know you never got to go skiing.” 

It didn’t matter where he was going with his words, Donna thought, now relaxed. The sound of his voice was point enough. He had the most wonderful voice. “If you cooperate with these guys, I promise, right here in front of Dr. Holden and CJ that I’ll take you skiing this winter. Since I don’t know how to ski, we’ll find someone to teach you and I promise to pay for your ski rental, cause I'm not buying you a pair of skis until you find out if you even like skiing.”

Inside the tube, Donna slid back into the blackness with Josh’s voice soothing her soul and the tiniest hint of a smile on her lips.

**********

A man on a mission, Josh pulled his car up in front of her building. He was there to pick up some things for Donna and be back to see her when they got her settled into a room. He jogged up the front steps of Donna’s building and used the key she’d given him, after one of his ‘I’m too drunk to remember where I live so I’ll go to Donna’s and sleep on her couch’ episodes, to get inside. Funny how he couldn't remember where he lived, but he always remembered how to get to Donna's. 

Climbing the stairs, he reached her apartment and found her super, Josh recalled Donna telling him once that his name was Mr. Roselli, working on hanging a new door to her apartment. The old one was leaning drunkenly against the hallway wall. There was a huge crack in it where, he assumed, the police had broken it while trying to get into her apartment earlier that morning.

“Help you?” Mr. Roselli asked, his voice sounding like rough gravel.

“Yes, sir. I came to get some things for Ms. Moss. She’s in the hospital and I’m here to get a few of the items she’ll need.”

Mr. Roselli looked at him for a moment, then shrugged and went back to fiddling with the door. “Help yourself. But be quick, I’ve got other stuff to take care of. Having to replace the door that the damn cops broke down has put me way behind.”

‘Nice guy,’ Josh thought. Not. He hadn’t even asked how Donna was. Moving past Roselli, he went into Donna’s apartment. And stopped dead in his tracks. The place looked like it had been demolished. Every drawer in the living room had been pulled out and the contents scattered. Every cushion and pillow had been pulled off of what it was part of and tossed around. Lamps and knickknacks lay toppled or broken. Donna's attacker really did a job on the place. Of course the authorities hadn't helped much either with the broken door and the splotches of gray fingerprint dust that seemed to coat all available surfaces.

Stepping over things the best he could, he made his way to the bedroom. Somehow the damage was even worse in there. The only thing not ripped up or turned over was her bed. And yet, her bed, above all else in the room, made it hard to breathe and nearly stopped his heart. It was stripped, presumably the sheets and bedding had been taken away as evidence by the police. In the middle of the bed was a stain of newly drying blood. Donna's blood, that stood out sharply in contrast to pale peach colored mattress.

Trying to clamp down the anger that had suddenly threatened to boil over, Josh leaned his back up against the nearest wall and worked on remembering how to breathe. A few minutes later, feeling a bit calmer but no less angry, he opened her closet and found a small suitcase. Picking up the fallen nightstand and setting it to rights, he laid the suitcase down on it. He’d never been good at packing at his own things, much less anyone else’s. But as methodically and quickly as he could he sifted through her room and the bathroom picking out clothing and toiletries he thought she might need.

Josh was about to close the suitcase when, on the floor, under the edge of some clothing, something caught his eye. A fuzzy leg and arm stuck out from underneath what appeared to be a blouse. He gave it a gentle pull and came face to face with a small grey stuffed rabbit. Soft from being so well loved, it's grey ears flopped forward over its small brown button eyes. Donna had kept it on her bed, he recalled. She'd told Josh it's name once and he searched his memory to remember what it was. Then it surfaced. "Hello, Zane," he said. She'd told him his name was Zane after the western author "Zane Grey," a particular favorite of her grandfather's. Thinking that something familiar and friendly might help comfort Donna while she was in the hospital, Josh slid Zane inside the case.

Seeing her car keys on the table by the front door, he thought to grab her purse as well but couldn't find it anywhere in her apartment. He also couldn't seem to find her cell phone or her White House ID badge. Could they have been in her purse? Could the bastard have stolen her purse? Or was it buried somewhere in the rubble of her apartment? He'd have to see to it that she cancelled everything. And he'd get her a new cell phone and have a new White House ID issued. He also see that she had a new bed and that things were set to rights in her apartment before she came home. Finding a purpose, his anger and frustration cooled a fraction as his mind shifted gears and started making a list of things he would do to fix that end of things.

After setting Donna’s bag in the trunk, Josh climbed back into his car and started the engine. Just then, his phone began to ring. The odd thing was, the ring coming from the phone was the ring he’d set up for when Donna called him. Like most cell phones, his phone could be programmed with different tones for different callers. It had been one way he avoided Amy’s calls. When his phone rang with the tone he’d set up for her, he didn’t even bother taking the phone out. He’d given Donna her own tone as well and when he heard it, the call never went unanswered. Any one of the locations she normally was in when she called him, her apartment, her desk at the White House, or on her cell phone, all rang with the same distinctive tone.

Pulling out his phone, he looked at the display. “Donna’s Cell,” the display read. Since, to his knowledge, she was still in the hospital and couldn’t talk, who was using her cell phone?

He pressed the talk button. “Hello?”

“Is this Joshua?” the voice on the other end, presumably using Donna’s cell phone, asked. The voice was distinctly male and spoke without much pause or hesitation. Josh didn’t recognize it.

“Yes. Who is this?” he replied, suddenly uneasy. No one but Donna, his mother, and members of Congress who didn’t know better called him “Joshua."

The caller ignored the question, “Did you know, Joshua, that you’re the first person she programmed into her cell phone’s speed dial?”

'Oh shit,' was all Josh could think. It was him. It was the bastard that had hurt Donna, had put her in the hospital. “You bastard.”

The caller’s first response was a deep chuckle. “Yes, I can see why you might think that. You’re very quick. Since you know who I am, tell me who you are. Her boyfriend?”

Think, Josh. Think. Maybe there’s some way this guy could be tracked. Donna’s phone, and Josh’s for that matter, had been issued to them by the White House and had secured lines. As much as he wanted to tell this guy what he really thought of him or simply hang up on this sick piece of crap, he had to keep him talking. He pulled the car away from the curb and drove to the White House. If he could keep the psycho talking, he’d pass a note to Ron Butterfield or whoever and maybe they could trace the call. 

“Joshua?”

“Josh.”

“Okay, Josh,” the voice said, calmly. “You didn’t answer my question.”

Josh’s mind was going a mile a minute. “What was it again?”

“Were you her boyfriend?”

Were? Oh, God. He thought she was dead. He didn’t know she was alive. He meant to kill her and thought he had succeeded. “Something like that,” he replied to the caller’s question, still reeling from this new development. It just never occurred to him that Donna’s attacker meant to kill her. Planned to kill her. Set out to kill her. It was not a possibility his mind had been willing to entertain.

“Do you work at the White House, too?” the caller asked. 

“Why would you think that?” Keep it together Josh. Keep him talking. Relief flooded him as he saw the White House come into view.

“Well, since she did, I thought that’s maybe where you met.”

Josh couldn’t believe he was sitting here having, what sounded like for all intents and purposes, a perfectly calm, rational discussion with Donna’s attacker and would be murderer. Anyone listening in, but not knowing the situation, would think they were new co-workers or neighbors trying to get to know each other. It turned Josh’s stomach and made his free hand grip the steering wheel so tightly, the knuckles stood out in stark white contrast. He pulled into the parking lot and climbing out of his car, jogged over to the guard station. 

He phrased his response carefully. “No, we met at a party,” he lied. “How do you know she worked at the White House?” he said, using the past tense to play along with the caller.

Grabbing a pen he motioned to Steve, the guard on duty for a piece of paper. Steve handed him a pad. Josh scribbled his message and returned it to him. 

It read, “Need Ron Butterfield. Dangerous caller. Call from Donna Moss cell phone to Josh Lyman cell phone. Need to trace. What do I do?” 

Understanding Josh’s urgency, Steve turned and quickly called Ron Butterfield’s office. All threats or attacks against White House staff were supposed to be reported to the Secret Service. By now, Leo would have told Ron what had happened to Donna. He would understand Josh’s note.

“It wasn’t very hard to figure out. I found her White House badge in her apartment. In fact, I’ve got it right here. My own memento of our time together. She really was quite lovely. For a whore, I mean.”

The last statement was like an unexpected kick to the gut and Josh nearly lost his temper right there. To hear such a vile thing about Donnatella, his Donnatella, the brightest, funniest, most honorable and caring person he’d ever known, just about sent him over the edge. “Don’t say things like about her. She was nothing like that,” he said, through teeth clenched so tight he thought they would shatter.

Steve handed Josh a note. “Go to the Northwest Lobby, you will be met,” it said. Josh nodded and headed for the lobby.

The caller didn’t seem to mind the bit of anger that had invaded Josh’s response, “Oh, no offense intended, Josh,” he said, acting as if they were old friends. “All women are whores, especially the blonde ones. They are the worst of all. Their hair is their emblem, their Scarlet Letter, if you will. They use anything and everything, especially sex, to blind you, deceive you, bend and break you to their will.” He paused. “But now that I see them for what they are, I’ll take care of them. All of them,” Madness had begun to seep into his voice. “Someday, mankind will see and they will thank me for ridding the world of them.” 

Josh moved quickly from the guardhouse to the lobby, where Ron and two other agents were waiting. “Do you still have the caller on the phone?” Ron asked softly. Josh nodded. Ron motioned for him to follow him.

As Josh followed the agents, the caller, apparently unaware of what Josh was doing, kept on with his account. “I really picked a good one to start my work. It was meant to be. I saw her and I knew. I didn’t even realize she worked for the government. At the White House, no less. In the very seat of our nation’s power. But we can’t have whores in the government, can we?”

‘You don’t know much about politics, do you?’ Josh’s mind replied crazily. Sarcasm was the only way his brain could deal with the horrific words he was hearing. "Why are you telling me this? I mean I knew her, loved her." 'Well, it was true,' he thought. Maybe he’d never let himself think it, or really process it, but love her he did.

There was a slight pause, as if the caller was trying to figure that out, "I don't quite know, really. I was looking at her cell phone and I was curious. A cell phone can provide an interesting glimpse into a person's life. Don't you think? Who and what is important to the owner is all listed out there in the address book on the phone. I saw your name and wondered about the person she had picked for her first entry. That's the most important one. You would think it would have been her parents, but they're quite far down in the list." He chuckled a bit. "I guess to be totally honest I needed to tell someone what I've done. I mean it isn't exactly something I can call the newspapers about. I also wanted to make you understand."

"Understand what?" Josh asked.

They had moved downstairs and were jogging down a long corridor, to a large door. The agents ushered him inside. It was a large room filled with electronic equipment. Ron held up a small device and motioned for Josh to give him the phone. Josh handed it to him. Ron plugged the phone into the device and handed it back to Josh. He put the phone back to his ear and continued to listen, even when every instinct he had was telling him to smash the phone against the nearest wall. He need to keep him talking. He could get mad later. So Josh closed down the part of him that wanted to react to what he was hearing as the agents began working on their equipment to find the caller.

"Since you knew her, you probably see me as a monster. A monster that has taken her away from you. But I'm not a monster. I've actually killed two birds with this one special stone. I've removed her from this world where she could tempt and do harm and released her into the next life where she’ll be reborn into her spiritual form. On that plane of existence, her thoughts will be pure and she will never again hurt anyone. You see, I've actually done her a great service. I've liberated her."

Josh wanted to scream that Donnatella Moss had never hurt anyone in her life.

The caller continued, “She was my first. My premiere. I realize now that I hit her too hard. I wanted her to be awake, to know what was happening to her and why. But I got excited, too anxious. It was opening night, after all.” He chuckled at that. “She wasn’t dead then, but for the most part she just laid there. I must confess that I got a little angry about that. I hit her again and again to try and wake her up but it didn’t do any good. I'm afraid took some of that anger out on her apartment," he said, referring to the devastation Josh had seen there. "...and her.”

Josh blocked his mind from seeing the image of Donna being repeatedly struck.

The caller was happily continuing with his story, his tone becoming almost reverent. “Then I realized that I was being given a gift. She would be the first and I was free to do what I wanted without her struggling. I could work on my technique. Perfect it. For example, the gun. I had planned to use the gun to kill her. And I had a supremely appropriate way to do it. I would just obliterate the thing that was the center of her power. The thing that all women used to tempt men with. I planned to put the gun inside her and fire,” he finished, apparently supremely happy with his solution.

“But I learned that was not the best plan. The hammer of the gun got caught on her flesh and jammed and although I enjoyed the blood it released it ruined any chance of using the gun to do the job. So, I had to think of another way. Strangling her just seemed the most logical way. And it was an epiphany, let me tell you. Shooting her would have been too quick. But to feel the life under your hands. To feel that life ebb away. The moment of struggle that gives way to peace. From then on I knew I was being shown the true path to man's salvation and woman's liberation."

Josh simply handed Ron the phone, sagged against the nearest wall and slid to the floor in a sitting position. He ground the heels of his palms into his eyes, trying to hold back the tears and the images trying to form there. He’d reached the end of the line. He couldn’t hear one more word. It was all Josh could do to not find the nearest trash can and vomit. That’s why she’d needed stitches. The gun had cut her. Then he'd strangled her, obviously, thankfully, not long or hard enough to kill her but it hadn't been because he hadn't wanted to.

"No. I'm a friend of Josh's," Ron was saying to the caller. "Wait, I'm interested in what you have to say, why don't you tell....." his voice trailed off and he lowered the phone. "He hung up. Did you get it?" Ron asked the agents manning a bank of consoles.

"Yes sir," the young agent replied, handing Ron a piece of paper. Ron pulled out his phone and dialed. "Agent Baker? Yes, this is Agent Butterfield from the Secret Service. We have a location for you," he rattled off an address. "Be sure to let me know what you find," he said and then hung up. 

Turning to Josh, he filled him in. "While we were recording the call, we were also able to trace it. Normally you can’t trace cell phones,” he explained. “But all White House issued phones have a special tracking device built into them. The call did originate from Donna’s cell phone, somewhere in Arlington, Virginia. When I received the call from the guardhouse regarding your note, I put the FBI on alert, in case we could trace the call. Because Donna is a federal employee but not a member of the First Family, this falls under FBI jurisdiction. They're heading to the location where we traced the call and will report back to me with what they find. I'm afraid I will have to impound your phone as evidence. Also, in case he decides to call again, we'll have it hooked up and can trace the call again.”

Josh nodded, mutely. "He thinks she's dead," he said, quietly.

“What?” Ron asked.

"He thinks he killed her," Josh said, a bit louder this time.

"Yeah, I know." Ron was quiet for a moment as he considered that. "Well, then we may just have to make him think he's right," he said, cryptically. "Here's what we'll do....."

TBC


	2. Broken Glass: Chapters 6-10

Chapter 6 - YTEEN

Josh felt empty and dazed, although he could also feel his anger simmering just below the surface. But he couldn't address that right now. He'd just come from the purchasing office where he'd put in a requisition for two new cell phones. one for him and one for Donna. It occurred to him that Donna wouldn't need one until she could talk again but when he'd been picking out a new phone for himself, he realized that she would need some way to communicate. With her right arm in a sling, writing with her left hand was really not a viable option. 

Taking this into consideration, he'd wound up getting both of them the same type of phone/PDA unit. Well, it wasn't a phone so much as it a small computer. A bit wider but no longer than a regular cell phone, you could write on it, or use the small built-in keyboard to type into it, which would be perfect for Donna. It came with text messaging capabilities and yet it could be used like a regular cell phone. Because it exceeded the standard budgetary allowance, Josh had to pay a bit out of his own pocket for them, but the phone service was still covered by the government. They would be ready tomorrow and he would give hers to her then. In keeping with the plan he and Ron had discussed with Leo, the phones were both in his name.

Walking to his office, he tried to avoid looking at Donna's empty desk, but his eyes drifted there anyway. It was fairly neat. He knew she tried to organize it as much possible before she left in the evenings. Frowning for a second, he noticed something sitting on her chair. Moving over to it, he looked down. It was her purse. In spite of everything, he smiled grimly. She must have left it here last night. Well, that was something the bastard hadn’t been able to take from her. At least she wouldn’t have to deal with getting new credit cards or driver’s license or anything else in her purse.

His eyes lingered over a framed picture she had near her computer monitor. It was taken at the President’s first inauguration. In it, Donna was standing between him and Sam. He remembered her scrambling to find a gown to wear, until CJ had helped her find the sea glass green one she was wearing in the photo. She was smiling and laughing, he couldn’t remember why. Even amazing wasn’t a good enough word to describe how beautiful she’d looked.

Unable to look anymore, he gently picked up her purse and carried it into his office. Closing the door behind him, he set her purse carefully on the floor next to his backpack. ‘I’ll take it over to the hospital later,’ he thought as he walked to his desk. He'd been gone from the hospital a lot longer than he'd expected. But after what had happened earlier, it couldn’t be helped. Picking up the phone, he dialed CJ's cell. 

She picked up on the first ring. "Hey, mi amore."

"Hey, Claudia Jean," he paused. 

CJ picked up on the silence and the fact that he’d used her full name. "What's going on Josh?"

He avoided the question, "What's the word on Donna?"

"Dr. Holden said they're just about done with her in orthopedics and should be bringing her to her room in about half an hour. The X-rays and CAT scan showed she only has a concussion, apparently a pretty severe concussion but if all goes well they'll let her out of the hospital in the next day or two."

'I hit her too hard,' the bastard had said. That phrase kept bouncing around in Josh's head. "Oh," was all he could think to say.

Now that she'd given him the update on Donna, CJ pressed the fact that he hadn't answered her earlier question. "What's going on, Josh?" He still didn't answer but she knew he was there. She could hear him breathing. The sound was tight and a little fast. "Josh, what is it?" she said a bit more softly.

He took a breath. "I can't go into detail right now. It's something to do with what happened to Donna, there have been....new developments," he paused, sinking down into his chair. "Donna's attacker called me from her cell phone."

"What?! Josh, what are you talking about?"

"Her attacker called me and told me...things about the attack. Including the fact that he thinks he succeeded in killing her. Ron, Mike Casper and Leo think it's a good idea if we let him go on thinking that. It will keep Donna safe."

"But how are we.....oh. God, Josh," she said.

"Yeah. There's going to be a meeting in the Oval about it in about 15 minutes. We'll need you in on it. Can you call in? Do you have somewhere private you can talk?"

She considered that, "Yeah. I'll go and sit in my car."

"Kay. I've got a bag for Donna in my car. I'll be over as soon as the meeting is finished. Do you think you can you stay with her until I get there?"

"No problem," she replied. "I'll need to get moving on some spin for this but I can do some things by phone and in any case, Donna needs one of us here so I’ll wait until you get here before I take off."

"Okay. Talk to you in a bit," he responded. Hanging up the phone he slumped forward onto his desk. Where was this nightmare going to end?

**********

“So is everything set?” CJ asked him as they stood in the doorway to Donna’s room.

“Yeah, her admission records have all been changed and everyone who knows she’s here, from the police to the paramedics to the x-ray techs to her building super to the emergency room staff and the coroners office know what to say,” Josh replied. He had his hands in his pockets so no one would see they were clenched into fists. He turned and looked into the room for a second at Donna’s sleeping form. She was the only occupant in the two-bed patient room and that was the way it was going to stay. The guard, courtesy of Ron Butterfield, Mike Casper and the D.C. police, that now stood beside the doorway would see to that.

The meeting in the Oval had been subdued but productive. Between the President, the First Lady, Leo, Josh, Toby, Ron, Mike and CJ on speakerphone, they’d mapped out a game plan. It had felt strange making plans for Donna without consulting her, but it couldn’t be helped.

“How’s she doing?” he asked CJ quietly as he glanced back into Donna’s room. She had been brought to her room shortly before he’d arrived a few minutes ago.

“Not a peep out of her. Not even a flicker. The orderly that brought her up here said she’s hardly moved since she got upset in the CT suite. Even when they reduced the dislocation of her elbow in orthopedics, which I’m told hurts like a bitch, she didn’t even flinch. In fact, he thought she slept right through it. CJ leaned in a bit, “One thing though. A couple of times I swear her eyes were open. The one time I really got a good look....” she trailed off. 

“What?” he asked, urging her to go on. 

CJ looked at Donna, whose eyes were currently closed. “Well, I...there....it was like she wasn’t there. She didn’t even blink. It was like she was catatonic.” 

He looked at Donna again, concern over CJ’s words flooding through him. But it wasn’t something he was ready to acknowledge. “Between her concussion and the wide variety of drugs they’ve got her on she’s probably a little out of it right now anyway,” he said, trying to reassure himself as much as CJ.

CJ smiled slightly, but was completely unconvinced, “Right. I’m sure that’s it.”

Donna heard the doubt in CJ’s voice. It was kind of hard to get things past CJ. She’d do well to remember that. Her eyes slid open and she watched them as they continued speaking. Although they were trying to keep their voices low, she’d clearly heard their entire conversation. Her throat may be crippled right now but her ears worked fine. 

People said the most interesting things when they thought you were unconscious or asleep. They also didn’t ask you questions or poke and prod you as much because they didn’t want to disturb you. She’d made that discovery when she’d woken up as they’d wheeled her into orthopedics. But they didn’t know she knew that. She’d kept her eyes closed and her ears open. Words like ‘concussion,’ ‘rape’ and ‘strangulation’ had been gently, sympathetically, pityingly whispered as the staff had moved her around the hospital. Her mind filed the words away, collecting them like puzzle pieces, knowing they helped to fill in the blanks in her head, but not being ready to put them together to form a picture. Whenever she tried to think about what had happened it floated away from her so she’d just decided not to think about it for the time being.

It helped that she was now full of what she thought were some fairly good drugs. Like any really good pain medication, she knew that things hurt but she didn’t care. She felt...disconnected. Yes, that was a good way to put it. Like the connection between feeling the pain, physical or emotional, and acknowledging that pain was missing. Good thing they’d given her the drugs BEFORE they’d worked on her arm. Even with the drugs, her brain had reported it had hurt viciously. Now, she felt her arm strapped securely to her side in a tight sling. Her brain reported that the pain in her arm was minimal now.

“Everyone, including the First Lady wants to come by and see her this afternoon,” she heard Josh say to CJ.

Well, that got a reaction. Somewhere a connection was made, a synapse finally broke through the drugs and fired. Angry panic seemed to rise out of the abyss. They would NOT see her like this. It was bad enough that CJ and Josh and perfect strangers had already seen her. She would not permit any more of it.

“Do you think that’s wise?” CJ said. “I mean, she’s not even officially supposed to be here. How is going to look if half the White House shows up for visiting hours?”

‘That’s not going to happen,’ she thought. ‘They will not come to see me. I’ll climb out the window before I let them come.’ She had to tell CJ and Josh to stop even talking about this. It was not going to happen. But she couldn’t speak. How could she get their attention without getting out of bed? She didn’t think the drugs would let her stand at that point. Her eyes darted around looking for some way to get their attention. 

“Well, that’s why Leo put his foot down. Only he and Mrs. Bartlet will by coming by and they’ll be coming at different times and using a back entrance,” Josh explained.

She saw a small plastic water pitcher sitting on the bed table. She didn’t even think about it. The instinct was primal and automatic at that point. Picking up in her left hand, she hurled it toward the door.

“Well, I guess it’s all right. After all, the press won’t be watching....” An explosion cut her off as the pitcher slammed into the wall just behind Josh and sprayed them with water.

“What the hell?” Josh said turning. He saw Donna sitting up in bed, shaking her head furiously. A deep scowl creased her forehead. Trying not to slip on the water, he and CJ rushed into the room and stopped at the side of her bed. “What’s wrong?” he said, seeing she was clearly agitated about something. She opened her mouth and tried to speak but nothing came out. “No, don’t talk. Write it down. CJ, do you have anything she could write on?”

“Yeah, hang on,” she sifted around her purse and came up with a small pad of paper and a pen. Handing both to Donna, she and Josh watched as Donna set the pad on her lap and scribbled awkwardly with her left hand.

She held it up for them. “NO Visitors!”

“But Donna,” CJ said. “They’re just worried about you and want you to know they care.”

She shook the pad, “NO Visitors!”

Josh could see it was clearly upsetting her. “Okay, Donna. Okay. Just calm down. We’ll tell everyone that you want to rest. Now lie down,” he said, worriedly. She laid back down on the bed, the pad clasped tightly to her chest. He turned and looked at CJ. “Why don’t you go back to the White House. You’ll need to get things rolling for your afternoon briefing. I’ll stay with her. There’s a few things we need to talk about.”

CJ nodded and looked at her. “Donna? Donna I....” she didn’t know where to begin. “I’m really sorry about what happened. If you need anything, anything at all. Let me know.” Donna, who seemed to be much more calm now, nodded. CJ tried to smile reassuringly. It almost worked. Then she turned and walked quickly out of the room so that Donna wouldn’t see the tears forming in her eyes.

Josh watched CJ walk from the room and then he turned back to Donna. She was still now, her eyes closed as if she was asleep and the pad still tucked against her. The scribbled writing was facing out, a clear ‘keep away’ sign to anyone who might wander too close. He knew she wasn’t asleep. From what had just happened he knew she’d figured out the ‘playing possum’ move and had probably heard most, if not all, of his conversation with CJ. And here he thought he’d been the only one to ever think of that move when he’d used it in the hospital after Rosslyn. Of course, Donna had seen right through it then. With everyone else he’d been able to get away with it, but not her. Well, she’d met her match this time and in a second he’d tell her that. But first, he took a moment to study her, careful to keep his expression neutral in case her eyes were not quite as tightly shut as they appeared.

His heart did a hard jerk in his chest. She looked about as bad as the doctor had led him to expect, but he didn’t think there was any way he would have ever been ready to see her in her present condition. The right side of her face was a Technicolor collection of bruises and her bottom lip was split and swollen. Her right eye was also swollen about halfway shut and when she’d been angrily informing them she wanted no visitors, he’d noticed her right eye was partially red from broken blood vessels. Then there was her neck. ‘Oh, God,’ he thought. Her long, delicate, alabaster neck was covered in angry red marks and bruises vaguely in the shape of large hands where they had pressed and squeezed and gripped, in an attempt to take Donna from him. He refused to let his mind move onto the other injuries he knew she had lower on her body, putting all of it away for now. He wanted to touch her, wanted to hold her hand. To make some kind of connection with her. But after what had happened, he didn’t know if she’d be ready to have anyone touch her, so he simply took a breath and held onto the bed rail.

“Donna?” He got no answer, no indication of awareness. “Donna, I know you’re awake. It’s okay. It’s just us. I want to talk to you but before I can I’m going to need you to open your eyes.” Still no response. Well, time to try something else. “You know you’re forgetting one very important thing. I perfected the ‘playing possum’ move when I was in the hospital. There was also one person who could always see through it and that was you. Do you remember how you used to get me to open my eyes when you thought I was using it on you?” He waited, but there was no response so he continued. “You would sing, remember? Donna, you’re my best friend and all but no one has a worse singing voice than you. Well, except maybe me. So unless you’d like me to start singing everything I can think of by the Doobie Brothers, or you know, the theme from “Oklahoma,” you’d better open your eyes.”

As if he’d said the magic word, her eyes clicked open. “Hi,” he said with a little smile. When she didn’t smile back but only looked at him blankly, he continued. “Donna, I’m sorry about everything that’s happened to you” he told her softly. “I know that right now you’d like nothing better than to crawl someplace dark and quiet where you can lick your wounds in private. I know, because I’ve been there. In some ways I know exactly what you’re feeling.” He paused. “In others ways I have no concept of what you’re feeling and never will.” He watched her for a moment, “Um, tomorrow some things are going to happen that you may not like but they’re being done in your best interests because I....we....care about you very much.”

Even though her eyes were open, the expression, or lack of expression, there was a little unnerving. He now understood what CJ was talking about. But somehow he knew she was listening. “I can keep Leo away but there’s no way that Mrs. Bartlet is going to stay away.” Donna suddenly shook her head, nixing that idea. “Donna,” he said with a slight smile. “You know as well as I do that Mrs. Bartlet does what she wants. I could talk until I was blue in the face and she’d just comment about well the color suits me.”

Just the very tip of the corner of her mouth twitched. If he hadn’t been watching or if he didn’t know her as well as he did he would have missed it. He relaxed fractionally. “So what do you say?” He figured it would be important for her to have some say in what was happening to her.

Silently, Donna picked up the pen, scribbled something down on the pad and held it up. “Okay.”

Josh smiled softly at her. “Good, thank you for not making me give Mrs. Bartlet even more reason to tease me than she already does.” He exhaled, getting ready for the next part. “Now there’s one more person I need you to see.” He held up his hand when she started to object. “Please, let me finish.” After a moment, she nodded mutely. “Okay, they’re going to let you out of here tomorrow morning.” A spark of interest flashed in her eyes. “Yeah, I figured you’d be happy about that. But, the only way we could get them to do it was to promise your doctor that someone would be around to look after you. So Mrs. Bartlet told them you’d be staying in the Residence for the next couple of days and she’d oversee your medical care.” There were more reasons, many more reasons that she was staying in the Residence for the next week but she wasn’t ready to hear them right now. He’d have to tell her after the thing tomorrow but now was not the time. 

Donna started shaking her head again. “I know that wouldn’t be your first choice,” he told her. “But it’s here or the Residence. You can’t go back to your apartment.” He saw just a trickle of something, fear he would guess, go through her expression. Somehow he didn’t think convincing her to not go back to her apartment was going to be a problem. Again, after a moment, Donna scribbled something on the pad, “Residence.”

“Good. Now you know I would be here if I could, but CJ and I have....a thing....tomorrow so we can’t be here to pick you up. But the hospital won’t discharge you without someone to release you to. So I’ve asked Zoey to pick you up and take you back to the White House. She’ll take you in through the private entrance so you don’t have to see anyone on your way.” He paused. There would be very few people there anyway. They’d all be in Maryland with him and CJ. “How does that sound?” Donna didn’t bother to write it this time, but just nodded. But then, as an afterthought, she wrote something on the pad. “What thing?”

He’d hoped she wouldn’t ask, but it didn’t surprise him that she did. She would know his schedule and would know that he hadn’t had anything scheduled. “Just an unscheduled meeting that Leo thinks she and I should be there for,” he said, hoping that his voice sounded convincing. “Oh, and to help keep things quiet in the press, we’ve had the name changed on your hospital paperwork,” he said, only half lying. They had been changed, just not for quite that reason. “So when you see the papers tomorrow and you’ve suddenly become ‘Bonnie Smith’ don’t worry.” Trying to move away from that topic as soon as possible, he moved onto something else. “Hey, I brought some things from your apartment.” He said, indicating the small suitcase he’d brought. “And a familiar face,” he said with a smile. Opening the suitcase he pulled out Zane and held him up.

Donna had no idea what "familiar face" he was talking about. She also knew that he was lying about the what the “thing” was but she couldn’t work up the interest to ask him about it. When Josh held up Zane, she felt something stir in her heart. Not only was it a terribly sweet thing for him to do, she was genuinely happy to see her beloved rabbit. Josh put it in her outstretched hand and sat down in a chair next to her bed. The fur was soft in her hand and she rubbed him against her cheek. Tears gathered unexpectedly in her eyes, but didn’t fall. “Thank you,” she mouthed. Tucking Zane under the strap of her sling she scribbled on the pad again. “How long can you stay?”

He smiled softly. Glad to see that at least something in her was indeed awake in there. “I’m here until tomorrow morning, I figured I would sack out on the other bed. I got permission from your doctor,” he said, then paused. “’Cause you know I’m a powerful guy,” he grinned a bit, then sobered. “If you want me to stay, that is.” 

Donna was relieved and nodded. Now that he was here and knew what had happened to her, she saw no pity on his face. Some concern maybe, but mostly kindness and his usual Josh-like smile. Although she was still feeling disjointed and disconnected, she knew that she’d felt better since he’d been there and didn’t want him to go. Reaching up, she held her left hand out to him.

Josh was touched that, despite everything, Donna trusted him enough to reach out to him. He took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “I’m here for you, Donna. For anything you need,” he said softly. Donna gave him a tiny, tiny smile, and nodded. Her eyes began to droop and soon they were closed and he had a feeling she wasn’t faking this time. He glanced briefly at his watch. CJ would be giving her afternoon briefing soon. He’d have to be sure to leave the TV off until it was done. Donna would learn the truth soon enough.

**********

CJ stood in the hall and took a breath. This was going to have to be the briefing of her career. Donna’s life might depend on it. Opening the door, she stepped into the Press Room and walked to the podium. “I have a short statement to read and then I will take questions.” The room quieted and CJ began to speak. 

“Shortly after 7 a.m. today, when she failed to show up for work, the body of White House Senior Assistant to the Deputy Chief of Staff, Donnatella Moss, was found in her apartment. Although an autopsy is currently being performed for confirmation, early reports from the D.C. police and the FBI, who are working jointly on this case because Donna Moss was a federal employee, are that she was strangled and sexually assaulted sometime last night.” CJ let her voice crack at that. It wasn’t hard, seeing as how it was the truth. Everything, thank God, but the ‘dead’ part. “At the request of her family, there will be a memorial service at the Bethany Covenant Chapel tomorrow and afterward she will be buried at Lincoln Memorial Cemetery in Suitland, Maryland. The President wishes to extend his deepest sympathies to Miss Moss’ family and friends.” She paused and let her eyes scan the room briefly. “On a personal note, I’d like to just say, I’ve lost an amazing friend and a valued co-worker. She will be missed.” She took a breath and cleared her throat. Now I’ll take your questions. Yes, Katie, then Steve, then Danny.”

“CJ, who found her body?” Katie asked.

“Josh Lyman’s intern, Ryan Pierce. When Ms. Moss didn’t arrive for work, Josh sent Ryan over to check on her.” Ryan knew his part if anyone pressed him for details.

Katie tossed in a follow-up before Steve could ask his question. “How’s Josh taking it?” It was no secret that Josh was very fond of Donna.

“Well, as you know, he relied on Donna for just about everything and they were close friends,” CJ told her. “He’s handling her death about as well as can be expected. Steve?”

“CJ, what’s with the quick funeral? Doesn’t it often take weeks for an autopsy to be performed and the body released for burial?”

They’d worked this part out with Toby’s help. “It was a family request. Her mother is of Jewish descent and in the Jewish faith it’s customary to bury someone within a short period of time. The coroner’s office was able to accommodate this need and agreed to do the autopsy today.” ‘What a flock of lies,’ she thought. Donna’s parents were no more Jewish than CJ was. But it was felt by everyone in the planning meeting that the quick funeral would provide cover to smuggle Donna into the White House without anyone knowing. Plus, since it had just happened, it would be big news and at least parts of the funeral would be televised, giving even more credence to their story that she was dead and letting the killer think he’d succeeded. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. “Danny?”

The red haired reporter’s face was grim. He was one of the many reporters who was also fond of Donna. “Are there any leads on her attacker or a motive for the attack?”

“The D.C. police and the FBI are still processing the evidence they took from the scene and collected from her...body,” her voice paused again. She couldn’t believe what she was saying. Again, the worst part of it was how close it was to the truth. She knew the police really had collected evidence from the scene...and from Donna. CJ took another breath, “To my knowledge they have no leads on her attacker or a motive. If you’d like further information on that I’m going to have to refer you to Lieutenant Aaron Watson from the D.C. police and Agent Mike Casper from the FBI. They're the officers in charge of the case.” Lieutenant Watson and Mike Casper were also in on the plan and he knew what they could and could not say. In fact, most of it had been Mike's brainchild. “Jane?” she said, indicating one of the other reporters who’d raised her hand.

“CJ, with the accelerated time frame for her funeral, will Donna’s parents be able to attend?”

“Ah, no. They live in Wisconsin and won’t be able to be here.” Lies and more lies. She’d been there when Leo had called to tell them Donna had been attacked. He’d explained to them the real situation and the need for secrecy. It had been a little surreal. While they had agreed to not say anything about knowing the truth and did seem vaguely concerned about Donna, they hadn’t asked if they could come and see her or even where they could contact her. CJ knew that things were a little strained between Donna and her parents but she hadn’t realized it had gone quite so far. They’d also stressed the fact that they didn’t like lying to people and Mrs. Moss, REALLY hadn’t liked the cover story about her being of Jewish decent. It hadn’t come out as anti-Semitism so much as just plain snobbery. “Chris?”

“CJ, will the President be attending the memorial service or the funeral?”

“No. He has a meeting he was unable to reschedule.” CJ had to keep herself from smiling. As if a meeting would keep him from going to Donna’s funeral if it were real. Nothing short of World War III would have kept him away. He, like many others in the White House, was very fond of the Deputy Deputy Chief of Staff. Actually, in a show of support and to lend credibility, he’d wanted to go to her mock funeral as well, but the Secret Service had talked him out of it. CJ continued without missing a beat. “The First Lady and Leo McGarry will be going in his place and a large number of White House staffers will be attending as well.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 7 - YTEEN

About 8 o’clock that evening, as Donna was dozing lightly and Josh was sitting on the other bed reading a report, a knock sounded at the closed door to Donna’s room.

Josh climbed off the bed and went to the door. “Oh, hi, Mrs. Bartlet.” He held the door open as Abbey walked in. 

“Hey, Josh.” Carrying what looked to be Donna’s medical chart, she headed over to Donna. “And there’s the star patient,” she said, stopping next to the bed. It was only from her many years as a doctor that she was able to keep from wincing at the site of Donna’s battered face and bruised throat. “How are you doing, Donna?” she asked with a smile as she slid her glasses on and flipped open the chart to study it. She’d already spoken to Dr. Holden, so she knew what to expect, but it was still hard to see Donna, someone she thought of as friend if not an adopted daughter, lying in a hospital bed. She watched as Donna scribbled something down.

“Fine, Mrs. Bartlet.”

Abbey looked at her skeptically, “Yeah, okay. Well, I guess I’ll have to take your word on that one. Of course,” she said, looking back down at the chart, “It looks like you have quite a few exceptional drugs in you so I’m sure that helps.” She looked over at the other occupant in the room who was currently sitting on the other bed watching them. “Um, Josh,” she said sweetly. “I’m feeling a little parched. Do you suppose you could run down to the cafeteria and hunt me up some apple juice?” She looked at Donna for a minute then back at Josh. “Make it two, Donna looks parched too.”

“Um, well...” he didn’t know what to say. Clearly, the First Lady was attempting to tactfully kick him out. It was usually unwise to say ‘no’ to Abbey Bartlet. She tended to take it badly. But he didn’t want to leave Donna alone either. He looked at Donna for his cue. She nodded. “Okay, sure. I’ll just...go.” He looked pointedly at Donna, who hadn’t touched her dinner. He knew it was a little hard for her to swallow but she needed to eat something and this was a chance to get her something else. “Can I get you anything besides the juice? Some ice cream maybe?” He wasn’t above bribing her with something sweet to get her to eat.

Donna knew exactly what he was doing. It was still a little bit of a challenge for her to swallow anything more than liquids, so she hadn’t eaten earlier and she knew it had bothered him. Food had just been the last thing on her mind, especially ‘hospital’ food. But to his credit, he hadn’t nagged her about it so she figured she could manage to choke down some ice cream, if for no other reason than it would make him happy. She scribbled on the pad, “That would be nice.”

He was happy, but a little surprised she’d agreed so easily. “You want the usual? Pistachio if they have it, Strawberry, if they don’t?” he asked.

For some reason Donna found it inordinately comforting that he knew what kind of ice cream she liked. She nodded mutely.

“Mrs. Bartlet, is there anything else you’d like?”

Donna hadn’t been the only one to notice Josh knew what kind of ice cream Donna liked and Donna hadn’t been the only one a bit touched by it, “No, thank you, Josh. Just the juice will be fine. Cold if they have it, though.”

“Sure. Well, I’ll be back in a bit.” With a last glance at Donna, he went out into the hall, closing the door behind him.

Abbey motioned to the bed. “Do you mind if I sit?” she asked. Donna shook her head so Abbey settled herself on the edge of it. “So now, how are you really doing?” She looked at her assessingly. “The truth.”

“About like I look,” Donna wrote.

“Now that I can believe,” she said. “What’s that phrase Zoey’s always saying, ‘death on a Triscuit’?” She smiled at Donna. Without thinking, she reached out to brush some hair off of Donna's forehead. Abbey didn’t know which of them was more startled when Donna flinched slightly. Abbey’s hand paused in the air, just inches from Donna’s head. She dropped her hand quickly into her lap. “I’m sorry, Donna. That was hopelessly thoughtless of me.”

Donna couldn’t believe she’d done that. Abbey was the last person to be scared of. The flinch had come out of nowhere and had happened without conscious thought on her part. More like instinct. Donna started to try and speak.

“No, write it,” Abbey said, pointing to the pad.

Donna scribbled. “I’m sorry. Don’t know why I did that.”

Abbey pulled off her reading glasses and looked at Donna for a moment. “Donna. Don’t be sorry. Not for that. Something really bad happened to you last night and it will take some time for you to get over it. I wish I could make it better for you or take it away all together, but I can’t.” She paused, “But you’ve always struck me as a strong person. I have faith that you’ll get through this. And although I don’t know quite what you’re feeling, I do know that I’m a good listener. Remember my door is always open to you. Okay?”

Donna nodded and tried to smile a little but it didn’t get very far. She picked up her pad. “Thank you,” she wrote.

Abbey smiled, “You’re welcome. Now. I understand that you’ll be staying with us for the next week or so.” Donna nodded. “Good. Although I’m sure that you’re going to get sick of Jed and what he laughingly refers to as his ‘amusing’ stories pretty quickly. Since you’ll be unable to talk and tell him to be quiet, I’m sure he’ll be doubly irritating. So I have a little trick for you. Just throw things at him when he gets to be too much.”

“What about the Secret Service?”

Abbey smiled, “Well, just don’t throw anything big or hard at him and you’ll be okay. I tell you what. I’ll make sure the stewards keep a big bowl of M&Ms in your room. You can throw those at him.”

Donna actually smiled at that but instantly regretted it when pain shot through her face, turning the smile into a grimace. Tears of frustration gathered in her eyes, but again, did not fall. Trying not to feel defeated, she sighed and looked up at the ceiling for a moment.

Abbey sat there, feeling helpless and angry. Not at Donna, but at the animal that had done this to her. It went against every mothering instinct she had not to gather the young woman into her arms. She watched as Donna struggled with some of the pain and frustration of her condition. “Donna?” After a moment, Donna looked at her. “Can I hold your hand?” she asked softly. Donna silently lifted her left hand up to Abbey. She was touched by Donna’s simple trust. “I know you hurt right now. Hurt in so many ways, not all of them physical, that you can’t process it all. You can’t even smile without it hurting.” She paused and squeezed Donna’s hand gently. “But give yourself some time. It’s not going to feel better overnight but someday it will feel better. You’ll see. Someday, you’ll be able to smile without it hurting.” Donna looked at Abbey for a moment, then pulled her hand away. At first, Abbey was a little hurt by that, until she saw why. Donna was busy scribbling on her pad.

“Promise?”

Abbey smiled, “Yes. I promise.” Pressing her index finger to her mouth for a moment. She had an idea. “In fact, I will make you a deal.” She enjoyed the look of curiosity in Donna’s eyes. “If, by the time we leave office, you don’t think I’ve kept my promise, I will make it my mission in life to fix it. If you think I have, you can buy me lunch. Sound fair?”

Donna nodded at her and then wrote something on her pad, “I guess for now, I’ll just have to learn to smile with the left side of my face.” Abbey looked up from the pad, and there, on the left side of Donna’s mouth was just the beginning of a teasing smile.

**********

“This is so weird,” Carol said as she and Margaret watched the MSNBC telecast on the TV in CJ’s office. The memorial service was just getting out and everyone was filing into limos and cars for the drive to the cemetery a few blocks away.

“I know,” Margaret mumbled as she watched Josh and CJ get into a limo. “If I didn’t know that she was alive, I’d be convinced. CJ did a great job with the press yesterday and she and Josh look every inch the grieving friends.” Everyone from the senior assistant level up knew Donna was alive. So while Margaret, Carol, Ginger, Bonnie and Debbie knew, they were, under no circumstances, supposed to let anyone else find out. It was crucial for them to know about it, as their help would be needed when Donna came back to work. She would be doing it under an assumed name and with practically a new identity. Temporarily anyway.

Carol continued to stare at the TV, “I’m not sure it’s all an act,” she said quietly as they watched the procession pull into the cemetery. “She and Josh are pretty broken up about what happened to Donna. CJ said it looked like Donna had been hit by a car. And they’re pretty worried about how she’s going to deal with everything in the long run. I just wish there was something we could do to help her.”

Margaret looked at Carol and then back at the TV. “I guess we just keep doing our jobs and we look out for her. Make kind of an assistant’s ‘bubble’ around her.” They watched as the coffin was unloaded from the car. Charlie, Toby, Josh, Ed, Larry and Ryan served as the pall bearers and carried the coffin from the hearse to the gravesite. It was really very creepy if Margaret let herself think about it. “What’s in the coffin anyway? The way they’re carrying it, it looks heavy.” She couldn’t keep the morbid question from leaving her mouth.

“I don’t know. CJ didn’t say. I’m guessing sandbags or something else that comes out at about Donna’s weight. I guess they thought that if the coffin was too light it wouldn’t look real enough.”

“Looks too real, if you ask me.” Margaret mumbled. “In fact it’s kind of freakin’ me out. I hope Donna’s not watching this. You know they say you always want to see your own funeral so you can hear what nice things people have to say about you. But after seeing this, I don’t think so. It’s just weird.”

Carol smiled grimly, “This is what I’m saying.”

**********

Zoey walked down the corridor looking for Donna’s room number. Behind her, the Secret Service agent moved silently. She was really starting to have a phobia about hospitals. First, after Rosslyn and then after her kidnapping. If Donna wasn’t such a good friend and Josh hadn’t asked her to do this, she wouldn’t be here. She also knew that where GW was concerned, she wasn’t the only one who had a thing about it. Turning a corner, she saw a guard standing outside a room and figured she must have the right place. He nodded to Zoey and her agent. After double checking to make sure it was the right room number, Zoey knocked on the half-closed door and stepped inside.

The blinds on the window were closed so only a minimal amount of daylight was coming in but the light over the bed was on so the room was well lit. The TV was dark and silent and Zoey knew that Josh had seen to it that it had been ‘disabled’ so Donna wouldn’t accidentally see something she shouldn’t until he had a chance to talk to her this afternoon. With no TV to watch, Donna was sitting in a chair next to her bed, fully dressed in sweats and a summer-weight, sleeveless, turtleneck t-shirt, reading a magazine. She put it down as Zoey came in. “Hi, Donna.”

Donna smiled a little and waved her hand in greeting. Zoey tried not to wince at the site of Donna’s face and her arm in a sling. It reminded Zoey just a little too much of the way she looked after the kidnapping. She’d even had a sling like Donna’s. Hers had just been for her broken collar bone and not, as she’d learned from Josh, to immobilize Donna’s previously dislocated elbow. Her first instinct was to make some inane comment about how Donna looked okay or simply ignore the topic all together, but she knew that would do neither of them any good. So she tried to keep it simple. “How are you feeling, Donna?”

Donna shrugged non-commitally then scribbled something on a small pad, “Probably just like I look.”

Zoey laughed humorlessly, “Yeah, I know what that feels like.”

Donna looked at her a moment. “Guess you would have some idea. I’m ready to leave. Waiting on doctor.”

“Yeah, they always take their own sweet time, don’t they?” Zoey said, pulling up a chair. A short pause fell between them and Zoey felt the need to fill it. “Donna, I know you’ve probably heard this about six hundred times already, probably mostly from my mom, CJ and Josh. But I’m really sorry about what happened to you and if there’s anything I can do or you just want someone to talk to...well, I’m available. I know not all our injuries were the same.” 

She just couldn’t bring herself to say the word ‘raped.’ That was something that had haunted her dreams since the kidnapping. The possibility that it might have been the next thing that would have happened to her if she hadn’t been found. “But...um, I’m a good listener.” Donna nodded at her with a slightly tired smile. Zoey smiled back at her, “So who’s your friend?” she asked referring to the gray bundle tucked under the strap of Donna’s sling.

Donna started scribbling again. “Zane. Josh brought him from my apartment.”

“OH! That reminds me. I have a present from Josh for you,” Zoey said, pulling a plain, white, medium sized box out of her purse. “He said to tell you that he would explain when he sees you this afternoon.”

Donna frowned slightly as she took the box from Zoey. What could Josh have sent her? He didn’t mention anything before he’d left earlier that morning. Pulling open the lid of the box she looked inside. It was a phone. Well, calling it a ‘phone’ didn’t seem to quite cover what it was. It looked almost like a small computer. There was even a miniature keyboard on the bottom of it. She pulled it and the dictionary sized instruction manual out of the box. Setting them in her lap, she picked up the pad and wrote something down.

“Do you mind if I play with it while we wait?” She held up the pad for Zoey, just the tiniest hint of an excited smile, playing across her eyes.

Zoey grinned back, “Not if you give me your magazine to read.”

Donna nodded and pulled the magazine out and handed it to her. Then she turned her attention back to phone/PDA and started reading through the manual. From what she could see, it was truly a marvel and she couldn’t wait to start fiddling with it. Of course, just as she flicked on the power button and found that it had already been charged and was ready to go, the doctor picked that moment to arrive. So she shut it back down and put everything back in the box.

“Good morning, Donna,” Dr. Holden said. “I’m sorry I’m late. I had a case come into the ER and I was delayed. How are you doing this morning?”

Donna scribbled on the pad, she still HATED writing with her left hand. It felt SO awkward. “Ready to leave.”

Dr. Holden smiled, “Yeah, I bet you are. Let me just check a few things, and we’ll see what we can do about getting you discharged.” She checked Donna’s vital signs, her pupil responses and gently pulled down the collar on her shirt so she could see Donna’s neck, then she used a tongue depressor to look in her throat. “Well, the swelling in your neck looks better and around your eye it looks like it’s almost gone. How’s your head feeling today? Any blurred vision or severe headaches?”

More scribbling, “No blurred vision. Mild headache this morning. Took Tylenol, feel better.”

“Good. Glad to hear it. Now, as for your prescriptions. There are quite a number of them. For a little while you’re going to think YOU ARE the pharmacy, but I need to stress that each one is very important and you need to take them as instructed.” She paused. “I’ve called them into the pharmacy and when I spoke with Dr. Bartlet, she told me she’d arranged to have them sent over to you this afternoon. Each one will have instructions and she’ll go through them individually with you. If you have any problems, let her know or you can give me a call. I’ve given her my cell number so you can reach me any time. Also remember to take them with food. They may make you a little nauseous but it will be worse if you don’t eat when you take them.”

Donna was relieved. She was tired of taking 18 different kinds of medication, but even more than that, she was tired of HEARING about how she was going to have to CONTINUE to take 18 different kinds of medication. Of course, that all flashed through her head while she sat placidly in the chair and nodded understandingly. ‘Anything that will get me out of here,’ she thought. Right then she would have agreed to shave her head and go into business with Debbie to raise alpacas if it would get her a discharge from the hospital.

“Dr. Bartlet also said she would see to it that the dressing on your hip was changed. I don’t think you’ll have any more vaginal bleeding, maybe a little spotting, but if you start bleeding any heavier than that in the next week or you have any severe pain in the area, I want to you tell Dr. Bartlet or call me.” She paused, trying to choose her next words carefully and put them as gently as possible. “I don’t suppose it will be an issue but because of your internal injuries, there should be no sexual activity for at least the next two months and the same goes for using tampons.” She waited a moment to let that settle.

“The sling should stay on for about two weeks and then be easy on your arm for the week or so after. No heavy lifting of any kind for at least two months. Understand? A week of bed rest is my most important prescription. And it would be a good idea if you scheduled a follow-up appointment with your own doctor in the next month or so.” She smiled reassuringly. “Well, I guess I’ll have to kick you out of here. We need beds for people who are really sick.” 

“Okay,” Dr. Holden said, apparently satisfied her patient was ready to go. She signed a couple of things on Donna’s chart. “I’ll send someone up with a wheelchair. Hospital policy, you know, we don’t let you out of here until you’ve ridden in our custom-made chariots,” she said with a smile. “Take care,” she said as she turned and left the room.

Donna only looked at Zoey. “Aren’t doctors a pain?” Zoey said. “Either they don’t tell you anything or they talk so much your head wants to explode. Oh, just promise not to tell my Mom I said that.” Donna nodded and smiled slightly at that as a young, fresh-faced candy striper entered the room with a wheelchair.

**********

“Well? What do you think?” Zoey asked her. 

Donna looked around the room. It looked like something out of Colonial Architectural Digest. Beautifully, perfectly decorated and yet with a touch of hominess that kept it from being a museum. It had a private bath, a double bed and a small sitting area with a couch, a coffee table, a couple of stylish but serviceable chairs and small table that could also be used as a desk or to eat on. Even without a kitchen, it was nicer and bigger than her apartment. She frowned at the thought of her apartment. She couldn’t stay here forever. What was she going to do when they kicked her out of the Residence? The thought of going back to her apartment filled her with an unreasonable dread that she didn’t want to examine at the moment.

Watching the small frown play over Donna’s face, Zoey wondered what was behind it. She’d already given her a quick tour of the Residence, although Donna had already known where most everything, like the kitchen, was from the ‘chili nights’ and other occasions the First Family had held for the staff. “I told Mom to give you this room; next to mine, it’s my favorite. It gets a lot of morning light.”

“Thanks. It’s very nice.” Donna wrote. A flash of color caught her eye and she looked over on the small coffee table. There sat a large bowl of multi-colored M&Ms. She smiled lopsidedly. Mrs. Bartlet had been true to her word.

“Oh, I see they brought up your bags,” Zoey said, missing Donna’s half smile as she indicated the small green case and Donna’s purse, which were sitting on the chest at the end of the bed. Josh had delivered the purse when he’d come by the hospital the night before. Zoey sensed that Donna wanted to get settled into her room so she tried to bow out gracefully, “Well, you’re probably tired and want to unpack so I’m going to go. I’m sure Mom will be along to check on you when she gets done with her...thing. Do you need anything before I do?”

‘Everyone seemed to have a “thing” today,’ Donna thought. Wasn’t that interesting? The idea lingered in the back of her tired mind for a moment then faded. Like a long list of other things, she’d think about it later. In response to Zoey’s question, Donna shook her head and started scribbling again, “Thank you, Zoey. For everything. You’ve been really kind.”

Zoey smiled back, “You’re welcome. Look, Donna, if you need anything....” Donna nodded and moved over to her suitcase. “Okay, well, I’ll see you later then.” Zoey opened the bedroom door and went out into the hall, closing it softly behind her. She stood there for a moment, trying to decide if she should act on what she was thinking. With a nod, she decided to see her mother when she got back from...the thing and then go and see Josh.

**********

Josh stood behind his desk, trying to decide where to start. He couldn’t seem to find much motivation to do anything. Sitting down in his chair, he swiveled around to face the window. They’d just gotten back from the ‘funeral’ and he was still having a little bit of trouble taking it all in. Donna raped, assaulted and almost killed by a madman. He just couldn’t get his mind around that. And he’d just gone to her mock funeral which had been surreal to say the least. 

On the one hand, it had nearly ripped him in two to think how close the killer had come to succeeding, thereby making the funeral a necessity rather than a ploy. But on the other hand he wanted to stand up and shout at the assembled crowed and every television camera and press tape recorder that had been present how HAPPY he was that the killer HAD failed. To tell them how fall-on-his-knees thankful that she was still alive. Tell them and HER just how much he loved her and apologize that it had taken something like this to get him to acknowledge it. Again, it had been a surreal experience all the way around. Look broken, be broken, Look broken, be happy. 

From Leo, he knew that Zoey and Donna had arrived at the White House on time and had gotten into the Residence without any problems. That was something at least. He was going to go and check on her in a few minutes. See if she needed anything and if she liked the phone. Then of course, came the hard part. He had to tell her she was ‘dead.’ Just exactly how did you tell someone that? Tiredly, he ran his hands over his face. 

Giving up on the idea of doing any work, he made his way up to the Residence. He met Zoey coming down the hall near the President’s private study. “Hey, Zoey.”

“Hi, Josh. I just got done talking to my Mom and I was just coming to see you,” she said as they stopped in the hall to talk.

“Why?” he asked her. “Is everything okay? Did you get Donna all settled?”

“Yeah. I think she’s doing as well as can be expected. It’s a little weird not having her speak though and she never smiles. Of course, with her face being like it is I’m sure it hurts to smile. But there are also times when she just looks...blank.”

“I know,” he said with a sigh.

Then Zoey grinned a bit, “But I have to tell you. The phone you had me give her was a big hit. You should have seen the way her eyes lit up. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was in her room playing with it right now. Good job.”

He grinned back at her, “Really? She liked it?”

Zoey nodded. “I’m telling you. From what I could see she loved it.”

“Okay, I’m going to go check on her,” he said with an excited smile on his face. “Which room is she in?”

“Take a left at the next hall and it’s the third door on the right,” Zoey told him.

“Okay. Hey, thanks for picking her up at the hospital.” They started to down the hall in separate directions, but after only a couple of steps he stopped and turned. “Zoey?” She turned and looked down the hall at him. “And thanks for letting me know how she was doing.”

Zoey smiled, “She’s my friend too, Josh. I was glad I could be there for her. Now, go check on her already.” She waved her hands to shoo him along. Feeling her mission was accomplished, she turned and walked away.

Josh nearly bounced down the hall. She’d liked the phone. Well, according to Zoey, she’d LOVED the phone. It made him feel 10 feet tall to know he’d done something to bring her a little moment of happiness. Turning left at the next hall, he made his way down to the third door on the right. The door was closed and everything seemed quiet. He knocked softly on the door. “Donna?” he said, quietly. Receiving no answer, he slowly opened the door.

Everything was quiet as he poked his head inside and he wondered if he had the wrong room. Then he saw her. She was laying on the couch by the window. Softly closing the door he walked over to her and watched her for a moment. The afternoon sun was falling gently across her battered face. Her breathing was even and regular and he was certain that she was indeed asleep. And even in her current condition, she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

He had to smile when he saw what she’d been doing when she fell asleep. Going over the new cell phone. While the phone itself was clutched in her left hand, the huge owner’s manual rested in her lap. He stood there for a moment, debating whether or not she wake her. There were a lot of things they needed to talk about. A lot of things she needed to know. But whether it was because he was procrastinating or he honestly thought she needed sleep, he just couldn’t do it. He WOULD tell her and he would do it today but not in this moment. Leo, CJ and Toby had all offered to tell her instead but Josh knew he owed it to her tell her himself, so he’d politely refused and told them no.

Debating whether he should try and move her onto the bed or leave her on the couch, he decided to leave her on the couch. She seemed comfortable enough and didn’t want to risk waking her. Setting the manual aside on the coffee table he reached for a light blanket on a nearby chair. He spread it out and laid it over her gently. She shifted a little, snuggling down farther into the couch and sighing ever so slightly.

Josh wanted to savor the moment like a treasure he might keep in his pocket. He knew that all too soon, he would be the one to bring the realities of the world crashing down on her and there was absolutely no way he could avoid it.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 8 - MATURE

A little while later, after he’d left Donna sleeping peacefully on the couch, Josh was settled at his desk again. He was having about the same amount of luck trying to start working on something as he’d had earlier. Just then, his desk phone started ringing. It was his direct line, not the one that rang out at Donna’s desk. Ryan, to his credit, had been answering that one all day. Josh picked up the receiver. “Josh Lyman,” he said.

“How could you?” the voice said. “How could you not fucking tell me before I saw her funeral on live TV?”

Josh exhaled and ran his hand over his face again. He’d called his mom to warn her about Donna but it just hadn’t occurred to him to make this call. “God, Sam. I’m sorry. Things have been crazy here.” That was an understatement.

“Screw that,” Sam said. “Someone should have called me. YOU should have called me.” Josh could hear the sharp edge of grief in Sam’s voice.

“Sam, I...”

“She was my friend too.” There were tears in his voice now. “I loved her like a sister.” 

“Sam, I can explain, I swear. Just a second, I need to close the door. Please, don’t hang up,” he begged Sam. “Wait. Wait, just a second.” Josh set the phone down on the desk, practically leapt across the room and slammed the door. Snatching the phone back up, he hoped Sam was still there. “Sam?”

“There’s nothing you can say that will make this all right. Or make me forgive you.”

Josh winced at the anger in Sam’s voice. Because of his good nature, it took a lot to make Sam honestly mad. But when he was, you prayed it wasn’t directed at you. Deciding the best thing to do was just say it, he blurted out the words, “She’s not dead.”

A black hole silence came from the other end of the phone. “What...what did you just say?”

“She not dead, Sam. She’s upstairs in Residence asleep.”

Sam let out a huge breath. “Oh, thank God.” He paused and even over the phone, it was clear he was having a hard time trying to process this new information. You could almost hear the wheels turning. “But wait....on TV...they said. Josh..I saw...I saw you carrying her casket.”

“Yeah. It’s kind of a long story. I should have called you. You are absolutely right. I have no excuse other than the fact that I’ve been trying to keep things together here and it simply didn’t occur to me.” 

“So it’s not true? Josh, why in God’s name would you let the press say she’d been sexually assaulted and strangled if it wasn’t true?”

“It is true,” Josh replied.

“What? But you just said she wasn’t dead.”

“She’s not.”

“Okay. You need to stop talking in riddles and tell me what the hell is going on,” Sam said.

“Sam. Donna was sexually assaulted and NEARLY strangled to death in her apartment last night.”

“Oh, my God.”

It all came flooding out of Josh. “The guy that did it called me from her cell phone, which he stole out of her apartment, along with her White House ID. He thinks he did kill her. Ron Butterfield, Mike Casper and the D.C. police decided it was probably a good idea if we let him go on thinking that. It’ll be safer for Donna. We’re stashing her in the Residence until she’s better and we can temporarily get her a new identity until they catch him.” He paused, “Which will be a neat trick since except for the evidence they collected they don’t really have any leads.”

“How is she?” Sam asked.

Josh sighed and rubbed his eyes. “It’s bad, Sam. She spent the last 24 hours in the hospital. He raped her. Dislocated her right elbow. Gave her a concussion and put so many bruises on the right side of her face you can’t tell where one stops and the next starts. Then he tried to strangled her with his bare hands.” Josh was trying to keep his breathing even but he wasn’t succeeding very well. “Her vocal cords are inflamed so she can’t talk and there’s these huge hand prints on her neck....” he trailed off. “She’s not doing so good right now. Physically she’s going to be okay but emotionally I think it’s going to take some time.” He decided not to tell him about the burn on her hip or the damage from the gun. It was bad enough those images lived in his own head, he wasn’t going to pass them on to anyone else. Besides, it was a small way he could protect Donna’s privacy.

“Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to come back there? Does she need legal counsel for anything?”

Josh smiled slightly. He’d missed Sam a lot. Missed his humor and his stability. Sam was always the one you went to when push came to shove. He’d never let you down. Even from California, where he’d opened his own law firm, he was still trying to help. “No, we’re set for right now. I just....I can’t help her. I don’t know how. I mean I can kind of relate because of some of the stuff from Rosslyn but most of it I have absolutely no frame of reference. I even have to be careful how I touch her so I don’t startle her. I don’t know how much of the attack she remembers but she gets this blankness in her eyes that scares me. As if she’s slipping away and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”

“Just give her some time, Josh. And be there for her when she needs you.” He paused. “Look I’m sorry I tore into you, I just saw the funeral and lost it.”

“No, Sam I totally understand,” Josh told him. “I would have done the same thing. I’m sorry I didn’t think to tell you. Oh, you know you can’t tell anyone about her...”

“Yeah, I know. Don’t worry.” Sam paused. “Josh if you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you, man.”

“Thanks, Sam. I may need to take you up on that. Take it easy.”

“You too, Josh. I’ll talk to you later.”

They hung up and Josh leaned back in his chair. A knock sounded on his door. "Come in!" he called. 

The door swung open and CJ put her head in. "You got a minute?"

"Sure. Come on in," he told her. "I just got off the phone with Sam."

“I hadn’t even thought to call, Sam,” CJ said as she closed the door behind her.

“Yeah, join the club.”

CJ sat down in one of his visitor chairs. “So was he really mad?”

“Oh, no. He wasn’t mad at all. Just livid,” he looked at CJ. “If you’d seen Donna’s funeral on MSNBC and we’d neglected to mention to you the fact that she was dead, wouldn’t you have been just a tad upset?” It had come out with just a little more force than he’d planned. 

CJ watched him for a minute, “Yeah, I guess I would at that.”

Josh sighed, “I’m sorry, CJ. As you know, it’s been a shitty last couple of days. I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

“That’s all right, just as long as I get to do the same to you once in a while.” She paused. “And we both need to remember that no matter how shitty it’s been for us, it’s been a thousand times worse for Donna.” A silence settled between them as they both considered that.

“Yeah. Yeah, I know,” He said leaning back in his chair. "So what did you need?"

“Oh, I just wanted to ask you how she was doing. Have you seen her since they released her from the hospital?” CJ asked him.

“Zoey said she did okay getting out of the hospital and settled in her room but she still blanking out a bit. I went up to check on her but she was asleep.” He paused and smiled slightly as he remembered her gripping the phone as she slept.

“What?” CJ said, seeing the smile.

“Oh, nothing,” he said. At her questioning look he told her. “Okay, see, after they confiscated my phone I had to get a new one. So I was down in purchasing picking one up yesterday and I ended up getting one for Donna, too.”

“Josh, what’s Donna going to do with a phone? She can’t talk, remember?” 

“I know, but the one I got is also a PDA. See?” He pulled his out and showed it to her. “Not only does it have text messaging and a built in keyboard but it has a electronic note pad so she can write on it or type messages into it.”

CJ smiled softly and handed it back to him. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You really are very sweet sometimes.”

“Plus, the bastard took hers, so once she’s able to talk again she’ll need a phone anyway.”

“Yeah,” CJ said quietly. “So why were you smiling earlier?”

“Oh, when I went up there to check on her she was asleep on the couch in her room, the owners manual was in her lap and the phone was clutched in her hand. Obviously she’d been playing with it when she fell asleep.” He paused a moment, remembering how she’d looked on the couch. Giving himself a mental shake he looked back at her. “Um, CJ. I need your help with something.”

“Sure, Josh. What is it?”

“Tonight, I’m going up to have dinner with Donna and afterwards I’m going to talk to her about...things. One thing I want to talk to her about is getting a new apartment. Even if she wanted to go back to her apartment, which I don’t think she does, she can’t, you know, being dead and all. Would you have time to help me find her a new place?”

“Sure. When do you want to start looking?”

“I’ll need to clear it with Leo, but I’d like to start tomorrow afternoon. I’d like to start looking in Georgetown. It will be close to me and close to the White House and a much better neighborhood than the one she was in.”

“But Josh, she can’t afford to live in Georgetown. If she could, don’t you think she would have been living there already?” CJ replied.

“Yeah, I thought about that. I figure if we find the right place, I may be able to work something out with the landlord.”

CJ looked skeptical, “Like what?”

Josh sighed, “Like letting me pay half the rent without her knowing.”

“Okay, who are you and what have you done with the guy that normally sits in that chair?”

“What?” Josh replied, baffled.

“You’ve gone all....you know, nice and sweet about everything all of a sudden. It’s so unlike you,” she said with just a slight smile.

“Thanks a bunch, CJ. You know, one minute you say I’m sweet and nice and then you turn around and say I’m not. How can I be both?”

“I don’t know, Josh, but somehow you manage it. Look, you know very well what I mean.” She paused. She knew the answer to her question already but decided to ask it anyway and see what he said. “So what’s up? Why the Mr. Nice Guy routine?”

“CJ, it’s Donna. I’m always nice to Donna.” He paused. “Okay, so I’m not ALWAYS nice to Donna but she’s my best friend, CJ, and she needs me. Usually I’m the one who needs her. Usually I’m the one who’s pissed someone off or is having a nutty about something. And she’s always there to pick up the pieces. She’s the strong one. Now it’s my turn to be there for her.”

CJ sat there for a minute. It wasn’t quite the answer she was thinking of but it was close enough. She wondered if he’d admitted to himself that what he felt for Donna went beyond friendship. It was fairly obvious to the rest of them that was the case. Almost as obvious as Donna’s feelings for him. Deciding to poke at it a different way, she said the next thing on her mind. “Since this apartment will eventually be the home of your “new” assistant, if the press found out about you paying half of the rent it could be...sticky. For the White House and for her.”

“Well, at this point I’d say screw the press, but if they start digging they could find out that Donna’s alive and then she would be the one it hurt.” He thought for a minute. “I guess I’ll just have to be a little more covert about it. I bet Sam could help with that.” ‘Yes, Sam,’ he thought. 'Sam could set up a little dummy corporation or something that would pay half the rent every month and no one would know that he was the one fronting the money for it.' 

CJ still wasn’t getting the answer she was looking for but that was not unexpected. Mentally she gave a sigh. Was he ever going to pull his head out of his ass? Maybe it was time to give him a kick. Donna was going to need him to get through this. And she was going to need him to be honest with Donna and with himself if he was going to be any help to her. “Josh? Have you ever considered that you’re doing this for her out of more than just friendship?” 

“What do you mean?” he said, not understanding where she was going with this.

God, he wasn’t going to make this easy. She could see, she was just going to have to say it. “I mean you know you’re in love with her, right?”

His first thought was to deny it. But he’d denied it, even to himself, for too long and if there was anyone, other than Donna, that he should tell, it was CJ. “Yeah, I know,” he said quietly.

Well, that had not been what she’d expected. “You know?” she asked. “How? WHEN? Does she know you know?”

Josh sighed. Why did it just feel like he’d opened up a whole can of worms? “CJ...” He saw her expression and knew that she was going to want an answer. “I think I’ve loved her for a while now but just didn’t want to see it. Almost losing her made me realize it. And no, of course, she doesn’t know. I also don’t plan to tell her anytime in the near future.”

“But why?” CJ asked. “It might be just the thing she needs to get her through this.”

“Because it could also be the thing that KEEPS her from getting through this. She needs a friend right now, not a ‘boyfriend.’ There will be time for us, CJ. I’m not going to let her go. When she’s healed from this and ready I’ll tell her, and not before."

CJ looked at him for a moment. ‘Wow, he really did love Donna,’ CJ thought. A lot of guys would have used this chance to worm their way into someone’s life. But Josh was putting Donna first. Josh was one of her best friends, but he was also one of the most arrogant, self-absorbed people she knew. She hadn’t realized he had it in him to be so selfless.

She smiled. “Okay, well, just let me know what time you want to leave tomorrow and we’ll go find Donna a new place.”

**********

Josh walked down the hall towards Donna’s room, he wanted to see her and yet he was dreading it. There was no way he could avoid doing what he had to do, saying what he had to say. The only thing he could do was make it as easy as possible for her and hope she didn’t hate him when all was said and done.

The door to her room was opened and he heard someone speaking. Knocking on the open door, he stepped inside. Zoey and Donna were sitting on the couch. Zoey’s voice was the one he heard. Donna was holding up the phone, obviously something was written on the display, presumably in response to something Zoey had said.

“Hi guys,” Josh said, walking over to the couch.

“Hey Josh,” Zoey said.

Donna typed something into her phone and held it up, “Hi, Josh. Thanks for the phone. It’s great.”

Josh smiled, happy that she liked his present. “I see you’re already learning to use it. So far I’ve only learned to turn mine on.”

Donna typed something, “You have one, too?”

“Yeah,” he pulled it out of his pocket and handed it to her. “I got them at the same time.”

She looked it at a moment and handed it back to him. “But we both already have cell phones. Why did we need new ones?” Donna typed.

Josh was silent for a moment. He thought about trying to lie to her but he’d have to tell her the truth anyway. A lie now would only make the truth harder. “Yeah, I need to talk to you about that.”

She typed, “Did you lose your phone again?

“Something like that,” he replied. He also didn’t want them to discuss things in front of anyone else. Not even Zoey.

“So, Josh do you play a musical instrument?” Zoey asked him.

The abrupt change of subject kind of threw him. “Um...what?”

“Do you play a musical instrument? See Donna plays the flute and I play the guitar and we thought we could form a band,” Zoey explained with a grin, which told him she was teasing him.

“No. Sorry. I wasn’t really much for piano lessons or band. I was more the debate and speech kind of guy.”

Donna patted Zoey on the shoulder and held up her phone. Zoey started laughing. “So Josh, you want to be our front man?”

“Front man?” he asked.

Zoey grinned, “Yeah, front man. Lead singer. Donna said you have a REAL interesting singing voice.”

Josh looked at Donna and saw just the hint of a smile in her eyes. “Oh, yeah. I’m a regular Steven Tyler. Just with smaller lips.”

Just then there was a clattering in the hallway. “Dinner’s here,” Abbey said as she followed the steward into the room. The steward pushed the cart over the to small dining table and started to set up dinner. “Hi guys. Donna, I brought dinner for you and Josh. Zoey, sorry you have to have dinner with your father and me.”

“Did I hear someone mention me?” The President said as he breezed into the room.

“Good evening, sir.” Josh said. He turned back to Donna and frowned. Her whole body language had begun to change. She seemed to be trying to make herself one with the couch cushions and she’d turned the bruised side of her face away. Josh had a feeling it was a combination of the fairly large number of people in the room and her not wanting people to see her in her presently battered condition.

“Hey, guys. Donna and Josh and I were just talking about starting our own band,” Zoey told her parents. “We thought we could call it the ‘3 Victims.’” Although Zoey meant it as a joke, no one laughed.

Jed’s expression had grown serious, “Is that what you think we see when we see the three of you? Victims? You couldn’t be more wrong, Zoey. When we look at you we don’t see three victims. We see three survivors.”

Zoey saw the frown on her father's face and instantly sorry for the remark. "I know, Dad. I'm sorry. I guess I need to work on my humor," she said, her voice soft.

Concerned with Donna, Josh walked over and sat down in the chair closest to her end of the couch. “Donna,” he said softly. “You okay?” He saw her breathing was getting a little fast.

Quickly, she typed something into the phone, “Too many people.”

Josh went right into action. “Um, everyone,” he said, standing up. “Do you mind if Donna and I have a little time alone? We have some things to talk about.”

Abbey, being a doctor, caught the panicked look on Donna’s face and could see her fast respiration. “Sure, Josh. Come on, Jed and Zoey. Let’s get some dinner of our own. Jeff,” she said to the steward. “Just leave the cart there. They can finish setting things up.” She quickly ushered everyone out including a confused looking Jed. “Take care of her,” Abbey mouthed as she moved to pull the door shut behind them. 

And then the room was quiet and it was just the two of them. Donna had opened the window and was breathing in the warm, fresh, late afternoon air.

“Donna?” he asked gently. “Can I sit down?”

Without turning her face away from the breeze, she nodded. He sat down near her on the couch but left some room between them so she wouldn’t feel crowded.

The ends of her hair danced in the light breeze. Josh reached out to touch them. He didn't even know why. As he did, the wind shifted, pulling the fine blonde strands away. If that wasn't a metaphor for their relationship he didn't know what was.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 9 - YTEEN

Donna felt the panic begin to subside. The breeze had begun to warm the cold icy knot that had formed in her stomach. After a few minutes, she turned to Josh, who was waiting patiently beside her on the couch. Picking up the phone she began to type, "Sorry. Just felt a little...you know."

Josh nodded, "Yeah, I know exactly. How you doin' now?"

"Better. Good," she typed.

"Great. Glad to hear it. Now how about we see what Abbey had brought up for us to eat?" he said, rising off the couch and walking over to the table. "I don't know about you but I'm starving."

Donna really wasn't that hungry but at least swallowing wasn't quite as much of a challenge, so she figured she'd eat something to make him happy. Besides, it was time to play another round of "Let's Take Our Medication" and eating would be a bonus. Closing the window, she stood and walked over to the dresser where Abbey had set out everything. She'd come up just before Zoey to explain each of the prescriptions, what they did, and when she had to take them. Of course, Donna's head had been swimming by the time Abbey had finished. 

Two kinds of anti-biotics, pain medication, anti-viral drugs to prevent HIV and Hepatitis, anti-inflammatory drugs to help her throat, and a sedative to help her sleep. There was even a topical cream for the burn on her hip. A burn which she hadn't even seen yet. She still couldn't figure out how she'd burned her hip. The nurses had always seems overly careful about changing the bandage so she wouldn't see it. They must have thought she was squeamish about things like that. Which was silly really. She'd gotten over being squeamish about anything like that when she'd helped take care of Josh after Rosslyn. Tonight when Mrs. Bartlet changed the bandage, Donna would ask to see it. After all, how bad could it be? 

Because there were so many medications, Abbey had color coded each one. A colored dot on each of the containers told Donna when she had to take them. A corresponding chart explained what each dot meant. Red she took at breakfast. Blue at lunch. Yellow at dinner. Purple before bed. Black as needed. Black was her pain meds and the pills to help her sleep, if she needed them. So far sleeping hadn't been a problem. She seemed a bit sleepy all the time. Many of the bottles had more than one dot because she had to take them many times throughout the day.

She pulled a pill out of each of the containers marked with a yellow "dinner" dot and dumped them all into a small cup Abbey had given her for just that purpose.

"What are you doing?" Josh said walking over to her.

She put the lid on the last container she needed and shook it for him.

"Ah yes. Medication time. I remember those days."

Picking up her cup she followed Josh back over to the table and looked over the dinner Abbey had arranged for them. Cream of Broccoli soup, Donna's favorite, Shepherd's Pie for the main course, and custard for dessert.

"Looks good, doesn't it?" Josh said. Donna nodded, "Oh, and madam, we have your seat right here," he said, pulling the chair out for her. She settled herself in the chair and with a flourish, he covered her lap with the napkin. Then he set a bowl of the warm, fragrant soup in front of each of them. Then, pulling the cart closer so they reach it to pull off other parts of dinner, he sat down in the chair opposite to her, again leaving some room so she didn't feel crowded. Using a large glass of water he'd gotten for her she took all her medication and they started to eat.

They ate in relative silence. Since she only had one working hand, Donna could basically eat or 'talk' and since she'd hardly been eating anything, Josh thought eating was slightly higher on the priority scale. However, he did tell her about his mother and how she was doing. About the new cooking class she was taking and the trip she and her friends were going to take to New Orleans next month. He'd also told her Sam had called and sent greetings from California. Well, after all it wasn't a total lie. He had said something to that affect after he stopped yelling.

Donna listened to the sound of his voice as she quietly ate all her soup and about a third of the serving of Shepherd's Pie he'd given her. His voice, when he wasn't bellowing at her, was something she'd always found soothing. The food was wonderful, especially the soup, but her heart really wasn't into eating. She was doing it more because she knew Josh and Abbey wanted it than because she did. Like everything else, it was just such an effort. And as the meal wore on and Josh tried to make small talk, she began to sense that he hadn't been joking when he'd told her earlier that he had something he needed to talk to her about. And somehow, she didn't think it was the only reason why they'd both needed new cell phones. Her stomach began to flutter a little nervously as she finished. She had a feeling the big discussion was going to be coming after dessert.

Josh thought it was good to see her regaining at least some of her appetite but as she finished her dessert, he knew that their discussion couldn't be put off any longer. "Donna?" he said when she'd finished the last of the custard. She raised her eyebrows in question as she wiped her mouth on her napkin, careful not to bump the right side of her mouth. "Are you all done?" she nodded affirmatively. "Why don't we go sit on the couch? It will be more comfortable."

Somehow Donna didn’t think that where they were sitting was going to make all that much difference in making her feel better about whatever Josh had to say, but she humored him. She watched as he settled himself next to her on the couch, again, not right next to her but close enough he could reach out and touch her if he wanted, or she him. She’d known him long enough to know that whatever he had to say, he didn’t want to say, and he was very uncomfortable about saying it, but was trying to hide it. “Josh? What is it?” she typed. “What’s wrong?”

‘There’s was just no good way to say this,’ he thought. “Donna, do you remember yesterday when I said that some things were going to happen that you might not like but that they were being done because we all cared about you?”

Donna had some vague recollection of that conversation so she nodded.

“Well, that’s a big part of what I need to talk to you about. See...um...okay.” Boy, was he blowing this.

“Take a deep breath, Josh. It’s okay,” Donna typed.

Josh inhaled and let it out slowly. It didn’t help at all. “Donna? How much of the attack do you remember?” He didn’t think anyone had asked her that yet. The police and the FBI had fought it out to see who would interview her and the FBI had won. Because he knew Donna and it was thought she would feel more comfortable talking to him, Mike Casper would be taking her statement. But Josh had pulled first his friend card and then his White House card to put Mike off a couple of days. But that wouldn’t last and he would need to talk to her at some point, even if she did have to write or type everything out. And she wouldn’t be the only one giving a statement. Even though the FBI had the tape that the Secret Service had made of the call, they would still need to talk to Josh about the rest of the conversation.

Donna began typing. Even in the short time she’d had it, she’d gotten very fast with the phone. “Nothing.”

That surprised him. “Nothing?” She shook her head. “What do you remember of that day?”

“I remember working late with you. I remember going home,” she typed. “I remember I forgot my purse at work and was annoyed about it.”

“And then?” he asked.

“Nothing. I don’t remember anything after that until I woke up the next morning. But even that’s a little fuzzy.”

Josh took a minute to think about that. If she really didn’t remember that could be a blessing in disguise. Well, not for finding the maniac that did this to her, but for her not having to remember the attack. But that thought was clouded by the fact that he was going to have to give her at least some of the details, whether he wanted to or not. It couldn’t be helped.

He took a breath. “Okay, let me just back up a minute. You know how you asked me if I lost my cell phone?” Donna nodded so he continued. “Well, I didn’t lose it. Ron Butterfield and the FBI confiscated it.”

Donna frowned and typed, “Why?”

He watched her for a moment. “They took it because someone stole yours and called mine using yours and so they needed mine as evidence and to track the call in case he calls again.”

“Someone stole my phone? But the last I remember, I had my phone with me. I would have had it with me last night...the other night, whatever. I remember because I realized I forgot my purse but still had my phone.” Donna tried not to make the connection her brain was beginning to put together.

“Yes, Donna. Someone stole it out of your apartment.” He paused. “It was the same guy that attacked you.” 

Donna was stunned, she didn’t know what to say.

“He also stole your White House ID badge. But don’t worry, we’ll get you a new one.” He paused again to make sure he wasn’t rushing her or overwhelming her with too much information too quickly. “Yesterday, when I stopped by your apartment for some clothes and stuff he called me from your cell phone.”

“Why did he call you?” she typed. A sense of fear and dread of this conversation, was beginning to build in her.

Josh sighed. “He said he called because he wanted, no needed to tell someone what he’d done and because I knew you he wanted to make me understand why he’d done it. He called me specifically because I was the first one programmed into your cell phone’s address book.” He paused again. “He thinks he killed you, Donna. He thinks you’re dead.”

The dawning horror of it washed over her and she raised a hand to her throat and tried hard to maintain some kind of composure. She was supposed to be dead. He thought she was dead. 

Josh could see the panic and the horror in her eyes. “Donna. Donna, it’s okay.” He wanted so badly to touch her, to hold her, and let her know he was right there. But he was afraid it would do more harm than good at that point. Moving slowly so as not to startle her, he opened the window as she’d done earlier, to let in some of the early evening air. “Donna, take some deep breaths.”

Somehow she heard him and was able to breathe the warm air back into her lungs. With each breath the panic ebbed a bit until things seemed to settle just a bit. “He thought he’d killed me?” she typed.

Relieved to see her calmer now, he nodded. “Yeah. That’s why you have the marks on your neck. He thought he’d strangled you.”

“Did he tell you anything else?” Donna typed in.

“That’s the most important thing,” he had no intention of telling her things that she was better off not knowing.

“You’re lying,” she typed simply.

“Donna, he just rambled. It was clear that he’s a lunatic. He just kept rambling on about being man’s salvation and women’s liberation.” Well, that was the truth. “I thought maybe since you and I both have White House phones they’d be able to trace the call so I came back here. Ron was able to hook my phone up to a scanner or something and they got a trace on your phone. Apparently he was somewhere in Arlington when he called. But when they got to the area they’d triangulated he was gone."

She knew he was lying. She could always tell when he was lying. But she wasn't sure she was ready to hear what he wasn't saying so she let it go.

Josh had the feeling she knew he was keeping something from her but when she failed to type something new, he continued. "Donna...." he began. "Because he thinks you're....dead," he said the word softly as if it would help lessen the impact of it. "Ron Butterfield, the D.C. police, and Mike Casper all think it would be safer for you if we let the guy think he succeeded." He paused there to gauge her reaction. 

Donna didn't know what to say to that. How did you argue with the police, the Secret Service and the FBI? Things began to click together in her brain. "Is that why I'm here and not at my apt. or some place else?" Josh nodded. "Is that why you had my name changed on the hospital records?" Again, he nodded.

"That's also why CJ and I couldn't be there to pick you up this morning."

Donna wasn't making that connection. "I don't understand."

He'd hoped he wouldn't have to say this out loud. Had hoped she would realize what he was saying without him having to say it. The words did not come easily from his mouth. "Um, we staged your funeral this morning, Donna. CJ and I, Toby, Leo and Mrs. Bartlet all went."

Donna just sat there for a moment. "Stunned" didn't quite cover what she was feeling. "Bewildered" was a better description. Like Alice after she’d fallen down the rabbit hole. And yet, part of her, a part that she refused to acknowledge, was angry. So angry it would have left her breathless with its ferocity if she'd acknowledged it. Her fingers flew over the small keyboard. "Was it nice?" It was part honest question, part sarcasm.

That certainly hadn't been the response he'd expected. "Was it nice? You want to know if the mock funeral we had for you was nice?" Josh said, his voice rising slightly in disbelief.

"Don't raise your voice to me," she typed next.

He sighed hard in frustration. "I'm sorry," he said. "But, Donna, no it wasn't nice," he said, standing up and pacing the room. He made a concerted effort to try and keep his voice even. "It wasn't anywhere in the vicinity of nice. It was your funeral. It was terrible. I carried your coffin for God’s sake." He stopped in front of her, the coffee table between them. "Oh, and I've decided you're not allowed to die before I do because it was hell dealing with your fake funeral and I just don't think I could deal with your real one."

Part of her, the same part that had been furious a moment before, thought that was about the nicest, sweetest thing anyone had ever said to her. Of course, she wasn't really ready to acknowledge that either. What she did acknowledge was the broken, pained look on his face. Realizing that she wasn’t the only one affected by this horrible situation, she rose from the couch and went to him. With her good arm, she drew him into a hug. After a moment, she felt his arms go gently around her. The warmth of him surrounded her. She felt so safe in his arms. Her lips were near his ear and she didn’t care if she wasn’t supposed to talk or not. She wanted him to hear her words from her own mouth.

“Then we’ll have to go together because I couldn’t handle yours either,” she whispered softly.

Josh’s heart clenched and he squeezed his eyes shut to stop his tears. Being careful of her injuries, he tightened his arms around her and felt her arm tighten in response. Even with all she had to deal with she was still concerned for him. He didn’t deserve her and never would. They stayed like that for a moment, then the slid apart. Josh looked at her for a moment. Slowly, very slowly, he raised his hand to brush her uninjured cheek. She didn’t flinch. She didn’t even blink. Her eyes only continued to look at him. The trust he saw there staggered him. “Okay, then it’s a deal. Neither of us gets to die before the other.”

Donna picked up the phone from the coffee table where she’d laid it. “Then I guess we’ll both live forever.”

Josh smiled at that and looked from the phone back to her face, “I could live with that.” He paused and gave himself the luxury of just looking at her. “Now, come and sit down. There’s a couple more things I need to tell you.”

“I don’t know. I think I’ve about had my quota for today,” she typed after she settled herself back down on the couch.

He sat down beside her again. “I know you have and I’m sorry to be the one to add more. We could wait until tomorrow to finish talking about this. It’s up to you.”

“No. Let’s do it now. But could you do me just one favor?” she typed for him.

“Sure, anything.”

“Bring me some blank note cards tomorrow morning? I’m going to need them to keep track of everything." The left corner of her mouth curved upward ever so slightly, letting him know that things between them were okay.

He smiled at her, "I think that can be arranged. But don't forget you're supposed to be resting. If Mrs. Bartlet thinks I've got you working she'll string me up in her office and use me for target practice." Taking a breath, he sobered a bit. "Now, for what else I wanted to talk to you about. You're going to need a new apartment. Even if you wanted to you couldn't go back to your old one."

"I get it. I'm dead. Hard to keep paying rent on the old apt every month. Not a problem," she typed. There was an understatement. Every time she even thought about going back there she nearly broke out in a cold sweat.

He was glad but a little surprised she agreed so readily. "CJ and I have plans to find you a new place tomorrow. We want to get it all set up so it's ready by the time you leave here." He paused. "We'd take you but Mrs. Bartlet said you need your rest."

"It's fine. I'm sure whatever you and CJ find will be fine. Just make sure I can afford it."

He had no intentions of telling her about the 'I'll pay half the rent' plan. "Don't worry. I will take that into consideration. Oh, speaking of money, just so you know, Mike Casper is working on setting up new IDs, credit cards, and etc. for you. He'll also take care of transferring your current bank accounts into new ones so you can use the money. He may have some forms for you to sign though. Ron Butterfield will get you new White House credentials." He paused again. "But before they can do any of that you're going to have to work on a couple of things for me."

"Like what?"

“First of all we’re going to need a name for your new ‘alter ego.’ So think about it.” She nodded and he took another breath. “We’re also going to have to change your look. Having everyone think you’re dead is not going to work if you’re walking around the bull pen looking the same as always. CJ and Mrs. Bartlet thought maybe we could get you glasses or better yet, colored contacts.”

“But I don’t wear glasses.” 

“Yeah, we can get them so they don’t correct your vision. Mike Casper is sending someone over tomorrow morning. She works with the US Marshall’s office and the Witness Protection Program. She helps people with their new identities if they need disguising or to have their look changed. You can wear a wig or you can have your hair colored or cut. It’s up to you.” He hoped she only used a wig. He would hate for her to color her beautiful blonde hair. “She’ll bring along some things so you can try out different looks.” He looked at her for a moment. “For the time being you’re going to have to wear the disguise wherever you go. Whether you’re at work or not. Doesn’t matter. About the only place you can take if off is at home. But even then you’ll have to have it on before you open the door for any kind of delivery or whatever. We have to be sure this guy doesn’t find out about you. I know it will be hard and a pain for you to keep up the pretense but for the time being it’s...necessary,” he finished.

She couldn’t imagine that wearing a wig and some glasses or contacts was going to change her look enough that people wouldn’t recognize her but she was too tired to argue about it. “Okay.”

“Wow, Donna. I gotta tell you. You’re being really cooperative. I thought you’d be against most of what I just told you.”

Donna looked at him for a minute. “What would you like me to do? Stomp my foot and throw this phone at you? It’s pretty hard to argue when everyone has apparently decided everything for me.” The furious part of her had returned but she still wasn’t connecting to it.

He sighed. “I know we did. I’m sorry. I truly am. It’s just that things had to be decided when you were still in the hospital and we didn’t think you were quite ready to hear all of it.”

She knew he had a point, “I know. You’re probably right. But let me be clear. From now on I want to be involved in the decisions.”

“I know,” he said. “And I plan to see that you are. Starting with your apartment. CJ and I will pick our top 3 choices tomorrow and you can choose which one you like best. Plus you can choose your name and your new look. That will be entirely up to you.”

“Okay,” she typed. Showing it to him she pulled the phone back and typed some more. “Josh? Do my parents know about...me?”

“Yeah, Leo and CJ called them while I was at the hospital with you yesterday.”

“What did they say?”

Josh shrugged, “Leo didn’t really say.” Wow, he lied really badly just then.

“Josh.”

How someone could type and still seem to sound so stern was beyond him. “Okay. They didn’t say much. They said if anyone asked, they wouldn’t say anything about you.”

“Did they come to the funeral too?”

“No. They said they couldn’t get away. They said since it wasn’t your ‘real’ funeral...” he broke off as she began to type furiously.

“Yeah, because that would have made a difference. I’m surprised they didn’t say something about having to lie for me and how it would look bad if their friends ever found out,” she typed.

Well, according to Leo, that’s almost exactly what they said, but again, Josh wasn’t going to tell her that. He decided it was best just to move on. “I also told my mom. She sends her love and said to tell you she hopes you’re feeling okay.” He smiled. “She threatened to come up here and cook you matzo ball soup if you don’t get better soon.”

Donna sat for a moment, turning that over in her mind. Comparing her relationship with her parents and Josh’s mother. In that one sentence, Josh’s mother had shown exactly how much Donna meant to her. She was glad that she hadn’t heard what her own parents had said to CJ and Leo. It was obvious there were things that Josh wasn’t saying about that conversation. She imagined that had she been there herself the meeting would have been fairly high on the humiliating scale.

‘Speaking of humiliating,’ she thought. “Who else knows about what happened to me? What really happened?” ‘Please say no one, please say no one,’ she silently pleaded. She knew the First Family knew, of course, and CJ, but she hoped no one else. Her hopes were dashed when she saw the look in Josh’s eyes.

“Everyone from the senior assistants up,” he told her. “They had to know so they can help protect your identity once you go back to work. So that means...Margaret. Leo told her he’d personally have her lips surgically sewn together if she breathed a word about it. Also Carol, Ed, Larry, Debbie, Charlie, Toby, Ginger, Bonnie, and Angela Blake. Oh, and against my better judgment and general common sense, Ryan. Even though he’s about as close to be being a senior assistant as I am to being the next King of England, we kind of had to tell him since we’re using him in the cover story.” He paused and let out a breath. “Sam knows too.”

“SAM?! Sam’s in California. Why did he have to know?” she demanded.

“Because he saw the broadcast of the funeral on MSNBC and called to rip me a new one for not bothering to tell him you’d been killed.”

“IT WAS ON TV?!?” she typed.

Josh cringed. “Did I not mention that?”

“No, you did not mention that.” She looked at him, trying to be mad but she couldn’t. This wasn’t his fault. In fact, he was going out of his way to help her. “Okay, fine.” It would do no good for her to get any more annoyed about it. What was done, was done. “So what time is the secret identity woman going to be here?”

“Secret identity woman?” Josh had to smirk at that. “Are you going to be the next Batgirl or something?”

That got the hint of a smile to tease her eyes. “Yeah, maybe I’ll use ‘Barbara Gordon’ for my new name.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 10 - MATURE

Just as they finished the main part of their discussion, a knock sounded at Donna's door. "Come in," Josh called. 

The door opened, and Abbey stepped inside. "Hi. I just came to see if dinner was all right." She'd removed the suit she was wearing earlier and was dressed casually in jeans and a lightweight cotton blouse. Her feet were bare, her toes painted a sassy candy apple red. 

Josh started to answer but he closed his mouth and turned to Donna. Although he knew that Donna wouldn't have minded if he answered for her, he wanted to give her that option. "Would you like to answer her, Donna?"

Donna's eyes sparkled for a moment as she nodded and began to type. Abbey held the phone at arm’s length so she could read it without her glasses. "It was wonderful. Especially the soup. Cream of Broccoli is my favorite."

Abbey glanced at Josh and back at Donna. "Yeah, I know. A little bird told me." Pistachio ice cream wasn't the only favorite of Donna's that Josh knew. She moved over to the table and, setting things over on the cart, began to clear it. Normally she would have had a steward take care of it but after what Abbey suspected was some sort of panic attack on Donna’s part earlier, she was trying to keep the people in the room to a minimum. Donna and Josh started to rise to help her. "Now, Donna, you're going to make me feel like a bad hostess. Sit right there. Josh can help me and we'll be done in just a second." Donna settled back down on the couch as he and Abbey continued to clean up. 

"Actually, Donna, I also wanted to ask if you needed to take a shower or anything? I need to change the bandage on your hip anyway and I'm sure you've got the lovely smell of the hospital on you."

Donna picked up the phone and typed something in and held it up for Abbey, "Can I? I thought maybe I couldn’t because of thing on my hip.”

Abbey read the display, "Of course you can. We can tape up the bandage on your hip with some plastic so it doesn't get wet. You can take your arm out of the sling but I wouldn't recommend using it. If you want to wash your hair, it might be a bit of a challenge, since I doubt your arm is going to cooperate, but I can help you with that part if you'd like." Donna hesitated for a moment, then nodded. "Good. Now, all I have to do is dig up some bath products for you."

"Actually, Mrs. Bartlet, I brought a bunch of stuff over from Donna's apartment." Knowing from Zoey that Donna had already unpacked her things, he turned to her, "I did bring the right things, didn't I?" He didn't a thing about girly bath and shower stuff so he'd grabbed just about everything out of the shower and a number of things from under the sink and the medicine cabinet. Donna nodded and he was glad he'd gotten it right.

"Great." Abbey dusted off her hands as they finished with the table. "Josh, would you mind taking this to the family kitchen?" she said, indicating the cart. "I told the steward I'd leave it there when we were finished. He'll come and get if from there to take back to the main kitchen downstairs.”

Once again, Josh knew he was being politely asked to leave. Josh looked from Abbey to Donna. Donna nodded at his unasked question. "Um, okay."

"Why don't you give us about an hour before you come back to tuck her in? That should be enough time for her to have her shower and for me to change her bandage."

Josh looked at Abbey for a moment. "You'll stay with her while she takes her shower right? I mean if she's gets dizzy or anything...." The words sounded stupid even to Josh's own ears.

"Josh? Do I look like a first year pre-med student?" Abbey asked him. "Of course I'm going to be here to make sure she's okay. Now, stop worrying and take that cart to the kitchen."

"Yes, ma'am," he replied, giving Donna one last look and one last chance for her to ask him to stay.

Donna could clearly see he didn't want to leave her. Typing something into the phone, she pressed the send button. The phone in Josh's pocket chimed that it was receiving a text message. That was the first time she'd done that. With a small frown, he pulled the phone out of his pocket and read the message.

"It's okay, Josh. You can go. As long as you promise to come back."

He smiled and realized he was going to have to learn the whole 'text message' thing so he could send her messages back. "'Kay," he said, his smile turning into a grin as he slid the phone back into his pants pocket. "I'll be back in a bit." After opening the door, he pushed the cart out into the hall and pulled it closed behind him.

After dropping the cart off in the kitchen he headed back downstairs to his office. He ran into Ryan as he entered the bullpen. 

"Hey, man," Ryan said.

"Hello, annoying one," Josh shot back.

As usual, Ryan completely ignored Josh's little jab. He was as impervious as Donna sometimes. Of course it could be said that he'd learned it from her in the first place. "I've got a couple of messages for you. Mostly condolence calls about Donna," he said, handing the small stack of pink message slips to Josh. "Hey, how is that....friend of yours?" he said, knowing they had to be careful about how they talked about Donna where someone could over hear them.

Josh flipped through them. "She's doing all right," he said distractedly. Most of the messages were from various Congressmen and Senators and other related politicos, a large part of whom couldn't have picked Donna out of a line up if their lives had depended on it and were obviously just being polite or were sucking up to him. Those went almost immediately in the trash. One of the remaining 4 messages caught his eye. The time on the message indicated the caller had phoned about 10 minutes earlier.

Without another word to Ryan, Josh went into his office and closed the door. Picking up the phone, he dialed the number he had memorized. The person he was calling picked up on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“Hey, Stanley. It’s Josh.”

“Josh, I think by now I recognize your voice,” Stanley said with his usual dry humor.

“I had a message that you called,” Josh told him.

“Yeah, I just wanted to tell you how sorry I was to hear about Donna.”

Josh paused. For having Donna's true condition be a secret, he seemed to be telling a lot people about it. "Um, about that Stanley...."

"Yes?" Stanley replied, not sure if this was going to remain a friendly condolence call or veer into 'Josh is having a nutty' territory. Stanley knew very well that Josh had deep denial issues over his feelings for his assistant.

"She's not dead."

"Okay. So the fact that I saw you carrying her casket at the funeral that was televised on MSNBC was just...what...a dramatization?"

"Well...kind of."

Stanley was quiet a moment, trying to decide if Josh had finally crossed the line into insanity or was just being delusional. "So...if I said I wanted to talk to her, that wouldn't be a problem?"

Josh grimaced. "Actually it would be a problem. She can't talk right now."

"Ah, Josh? Could you transfer me to Leo?" he said, trying to keep his voice calm and casual.

"Why?"

Stanley chose his words carefully, "I just want to talk to him, 'cause I think we're going to need to clear some time on your schedule to talk to me."

Josh leaned back in his chair and grinned. He could hear the, 'okay, Josh has completely lost it' tone in his voice. "Stanley, I'm not crazy."

"We don't like to use the word 'crazy,'" Stanley said.

"Stanley! I am not...whatever, and I'm really not in denial. She's really not dead and she really can't talk right now. Look...I'll prove it to you." He pulled the phone away from his mouth, "RYAN!!!!"

The door opened and Ryan popped his head in, "Yeah, Josh?"

"Come in and close the door."

Ryan did as he asked, "What'd I do?"

"Nothing. I have Stanley Keyworth on the phone, please tell him what happened to Donna." He held the phone out to him. It didn't occur to Josh that Ryan had no idea who Stanley Keyworth was.

Ryan took the phone and cleared his throat, "Um, yeah. She was murdered a couple of nights ago, I found her body in...." That was as far as he got before Josh flew across the desk and snatched the phone back from him.

"You have now, officially, made yourself completely useless. Out." he said. Ryan, who, in all fairness had no idea what was going on and had just been relating the cover story they'd given him, scurried out of the office.

"Stanley..."

"Josh, I'm afraid that didn't help you much."

Time for Josh to give him the Reader's Digest condensed version of what happened before Stanley sent the men in white coats to pick him up. "Okay, look. Donna was sexually assaulted and her assailant tried to strangle her but he didn't quite finish the job. He called me from her cell phone, which he stole from her apartment, and told me he thought he'd killed her. The Secret Service, the FBI and the DC police thought the funeral would be a good cover to let him keep on thinking he succeeded. Part of the cover story is that my intern, Ryan, found her body. That's why he said what he did. She spent the last two days in the hospital. The damage to her neck from nearly being strangled is why she can't talk. Right now she's safe and stashed upstairs in the Residence with the First Lady playing Mother Hen." He was slightly out of breath when he finished. "I swear that's the truth, Stanley. If you don't believe me you can ask Leo or you can wait another 3 or 4 days and talk to Donna yourself."

There was a big pause from the other end of the line, "Well, I believe you more than I did a minute ago but if you don't mind I'd like some confirmation from Leo."

Josh sighed, "Yeah, I figured. Hang on." He put Stanley on hold, dialed Margaret, briefly explained the situation and transferred Stanley to her so Leo could talk to him. It was hard to tell because Margaret was laughing so hard, but Josh thought she said that Leo was free and she would have him talk to Stanley. Apparently it didn't take long for Leo to convince Stanley that Josh hadn't gone completely off the deep end because Josh's phone rang about 2 minutes later. It was Margaret and she was transferring Stanley back to Josh. "Stanley?" he said tentatively, picking up the call.

"Yeah, Josh it's me."

"You talked to Leo?"

"Yeah, I'm convinced. You know, Josh, dealing with you and the White House is an both an endless source of fascination and a huge pain in the butt."

"Welcome to Washington, D.C., Stanley."

"Which is why I live in San Francisco."

"Candy-ass," Josh teased him, relieved now that Stanley believed him.

"No, I'm just not insane like the rest of you." He paused. "So how's Donna doing?"

Josh sighed, "Well, apart from her physical injuries which she'll recover from, I think she's doing all right. She says she doesn't remember much of the attack."

"But you don't believe her." Stanley said.

"Oh, no, just the opposite. I do believe her. She took a pretty hard hit to the head and her attacker even told me that he hit her too hard and she just laid there during most of it. It's just that she gets this blank look now and then. She also had a mild panic attack this afternoon because there were too many people around."

He filed away what Josh had said about the attacker and what he'd told Josh about the assault. Josh had blown through that part just a little too easily. But he wanted to finish with talking about Donna first. "Well, it just happened and mentally she's probably still in shock. Even if she doesn't consciously remember the attack, her subconscious may still harbor things that will come up."

"You mean like triggers? Like I was with music?" Josh asked him.

"Something like that. Each person faces trauma differently, Josh. The healing process doesn't fall into neat little boxes or neat little chapters in a psychology textbook. Everyone has to find their own path to recovery." He paused. "But I would recommend that you tell her how important it is that she talk to a therapist about what happened."

"But Stanley, she doesn't remember anything."

"Josh, you didn't remember a whole lot either, did you? But it was enough for you to end up sitting in a room with me for 8 hours a few Christmases ago after putting your hand through a window. Even if she literally has zero memory of the assault, I'm willing to bet waking up with her body being in the condition I assume it was in and the entire process at the hospital will leave a lasting impression. She needs to talk to someone. The sooner, the better."

"Her doctor at GW said that someone from the rape crisis center of their psychiatric unit would be in touch with her to schedule an appointment," Josh told him.

"Good. If for some reason that falls through or there are any problems, let me know. I can recommend a couple of therapists in D.C. that she could see who have experience with RTS."

"RTS?" Josh asked him.

"Rape Trauma Syndrome. A variation of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder that is extremely common among rape victims, especially when violence is involved. It’s a cluster of emotional responses to the extreme stress experienced by the survivor during the sexual assault."

"Why can't she just see you? She knows you. Wouldn't she be more comfortable talking with someone she knows?"

There was a slight pause before Stanley answered, "Sometimes that's true. But in this case I’m pretty sure she’s going to want a female therapist. Female rape victims almost always do and understandably so.”

“Oh, I guess I hadn’t thought about it like that.”

“Josh, is there anything else you’re not thinking about?” Stanley asked him.

“What do you mean?”

Stanley sighed softly; Josh never made things easy. “You said that you talked to Donna’s assailant and he gave you what sounded like some pretty graphic details of what happened during the attack. That must have been hard to hear.”

“It was.” Josh’s replied, simply.

When no further comments were forthcoming Stanley pressed on, “You want to elaborate on that?”

“Not especially.”

“Josh...”

“I can’t, Stanley. If I do I’m going to come apart and she needs me too much.”

“Which is exactly why you have to. If you’re going to be any help to her you’ve got to have your head on straight. You’ve got to stop trying to pretend that everything is okay. Something horrible happened to her, Josh, and by extension, to you. She’s someone you care about and he hurt her and then told you about it. Probably gloated about it. I’m willing to bet that made you pretty angry. Am I right?” He paused but Josh didn’t say anything, so he pushed just a little more. “Josh, remember me? I’m the guy you tell.”

The ugliness that had lived in him since that fateful cell phone call, began to ooze out of the place he’d stuffed it. Oily and black and mean, it coiled around his heart. The words began to fall from his mouth, almost before his brain had a chance to register them. He swiveled his chair toward the window.

“You know how you feel when...when you’re so angry you can’t think, you can’t focus. It’s like the anger is a living thing inside you. That’s what it was like talking to him. I wanted to smash the phone against the wall the way I wanted to smash him. But to trace the call I had to listen to most of what he said. What I feel for him is beyond hate, beyond wanting to kill him. Beyond anything that I can describe to you, Stanley. Hate so black I didn’t know I had it in me to feel.” 

He stopped for a second but Stanley remained quiet because he sensed that Josh was gathering himself to say the rest.

Josh stared out his window into the night, “He hit her hard, Stanley. The first time. Too hard he said. She just laid there. So he kept hitting her to wake her up. Wanted her to be awake to...know...what...what was being done to her. Thankfully she didn’t wake up.” His voice had taken on a monotone now, making the words even more chilling. “Then after he raped her, he planned to kill her. He was going to shoot her from...inside. But the hammer of the gun got caught on her skin. She had to have stitches for that and where the site on the barrel cut her. When he saw the gun wasn’t going to work he decided to strangle her, with his bare hands. Then as a final indignity, he said he left his mark on her. He burned her with a cigarette.” 

He put his head in his hand. “God, Stanley, I don’t want this in my head. How do I get rid of it? It feels like it’s tearing me apart.” Just the faint hint of unshed tears colored his voice.

“You care about her Josh, of course it’s tearing you apart,” he said, gently. The images Josh described were horrific to say the least. And even though Stanley had heard a lot of terrible things during his time as a therapist, what Josh had just told him topped the list of the worst. “But you’re never going to get rid of it. You’ll have to learn to deal with it being there. Part of doing that is what you’re doing right now. Saying the words to someone else helps lesson the power and ugliness of it in your mind.” Stanley paused. “And remember that while you had to hear about it, Donna had to live through it. That doesn’t invalidate your feelings, but it should give you empathy toward her and what she went through and what she’s going to have to go through in the aftermath of what happened.”

Josh thought about that for a moment, “Yeah, I guess it does.” If he could somehow use what he knew to help with her recovery then he could live with those images in his head. “I just want to help her, Stanley. She...she means everything to me.”

“I know she does, Josh. But just remember, you can’t fix this for her. You can support her and help HER fix it, but ultimately it’s going to be up to Donna. Just like it was up to you to fix yourself after Rosslyn. Donna helped you and I helped you and Leo helped you. But in the end, you did it yourself.”

**********

“Donna? You okay in there?” Abbey called through half-opened bathroom door After helping her remove her sling, taping up the bandage on her hip and shampooing up her hair, Abbey had left Donna alone in the bathroom. She figured the younger woman would appreciate a little time alone to get the smell of the hospital off of her. So she’d taken up her position just outside the bathroom door on a comfortable chair and was reading a magazine while she waited for Donna to finish.

Two loud knocks on the shower door rang out. Since Donna couldn’t talk that was the signal to Abbey that everything was all right. Two knocks meant yes, one knock meant no, and three knocks meant she needed help with something.

Donna stood in the shower, letting the water sluice over her and her mind drift a bit. Her mind was full and yet it was empty. It was a little like looking at a locked library. There was a lot of information there but she had no access to it. Or maybe she just didn’t want to access it. She was too tired right then to decide which.

If her body didn’t provide vivid evidence to the contrary she would have thought the last three days had been some colossal practical joke. That everyone was just pulling her leg. Teasing her like with the falling Chinese satellite. She kept waiting for someone like Alan Funt, to jump out from behind the towel rack and say, “Smile! You’re on Candid Camera.” Then of course, she’d have killed Josh because it would have been all his idea.

But she knew it was no practical joke. And Alan Funt had died in 1999.

So here she stood, her body feeling battered and alien, in a shower in a guest room in the Residence of the White House. A personal guest of the First Lady and the President of the United States. Life had certainly become surreal in a short period of time. 

Then there was the fact that she really didn’t exist anymore. Donnatella Moss was dead. At least to the world. Her identity was a clean slate and she’d been given the task of rebuilding it. New look, new apartment, even a new name. Talk about surreal. 

Well, she’d been loitering in the shower long enough. She’d not only washed off anything from that night and the hospital but she imagined she’d removed a couple of layers of skin with the scalding hot water she’d used. Funny, the cold seemed to bother her a lot the last few days. Only thing was, it wasn’t consistent. One minute she’d be fine and then she’d get a chill. She chalked it up to her body’s reaction to the trauma it had been through. Switching off the water, she pushed open the shower door and reached for a towel.

“Donna? You need any help in there?” Abbey called from the other room.

Donna knocked once on the shower door and stepped onto the bath mat. Just as Abbey had predicted, Donna could move her fingers and she could move her arm at the shoulder but any time she tried to bend or move it at the elbow the pain was terrible. Which pretty much meant her arm was all but useless to her at the moment. Drying off was kind of an adventure and took a while since her left arm could only reach so far. Toweling her hair off was a little easier but she couldn’t manage to make a turban for it with one hand so she left it lying damp on her shoulders.

Getting dressed had its own set of problems. Pulling a t-shirt on was easier than getting her underwear on. For the t-shirt all she had to do was put her injured arm through the hole, then pull it over her head, slide her uninjured arm through the other sleeve and give it a hard tug to pull it down. Maybe it was the whole gravity aspect of it, but the underwear required a lot more time and tugging. She had to lay them out on the floor and then toe her way into both leg holes, and then using her good hand she worked them up her legs. But by the time they got to her hips they were slightly rolled and that’s where things got really difficult. It didn’t help that her skin was a little damp from the shower. Finally, after some silent cursing and working her way around she got them up. 

She still had her shorts to put on, but by then she was exhausted and sat down on the closed toilet lid and leaned against the wall to rest. Knocking hard 3 times on the wall, she looked up as Abbey instantly appeared in the doorway. 

“What’s wrong, honey?” Abbey asked her. She frowned as she saw her slumped tiredly against the wall. “Are you feeling okay?”

Donna warmed at the endearment. She couldn’t even remember her mother calling her ‘honey.’ She gave Abbey her little left sided smile and held up her shorts.

Abbey smiled back at her, relieved that it was simple problem. “Kind of hard getting dressed with only one hand, isn’t it?” she said. Donna nodded as Abbey took the shorts from her. Abbey laid them across her shoulder and held out her hand. Donna took it and let Abbey help pull her up. “How about we wait to put these on until after I change your bandage? It’ll be one less layer I’ll have to move out of the way.” Donna nodded again. “Good, come on, I’ve got everything set up in the other room. I figured it would be easiest to change if you were lying down.”

The two of them walked into the bedroom and Donna laid down on the bed, which Abbey had already turned down in anticipation of Donna being ready to get some sleep. As Donna stretched out, the t-shirt she wore rode up slightly, revealing the tops of her thighs. Abbey frowned at what she saw there. Scars. Old scars, a lot of them, that criss-crossed the top 3 or 4 inches of her thighs. “Donna? How did you get these scars on your legs?”

Donna looked at her blankly for a minute. Then she picked up the phone from the night stand and put in her answer. All the while ignoring the throbbing that had begun somewhere in her head. “When I was 12 I ran through a sliding glass door and then fell on the threshold and the glass cut me.”

Abbey read what she’d typed and looked at Donna and then back down at her legs. It was a plausible explanation and she saw no deception on Donna’s face. What’s more, she couldn’t think of any reason why she would lie to her. But still....the scars looked a little symmetrical, too confined to one area, for what Donna had described. Well, now wasn’t the time. There were more pressing matters to be seen to. “Oh. Well, I’m sorry about that. Now, let me take a look at you and then we’ll get this bandage changed.”

Abbey helped Donna put her sling back on and then she set about taking her vital signs and checking her pupil responses and the swelling in her throat. “Everything looks good, Donna,” Abbey told her as she began to remove the bandage on Donna’s hip. Donna’s hand stopped her.

“I want to see it,” she typed.

Abbey looked at her for a moment. She hadn’t planned to let her see it. She wasn’t sure she could handle it just yet. “Oh, Donna, you don’t want to see it. Burns always look so much worse than they are. Why don’t you let it heal a little first?”

She held up the phone again and shook it slightly, “I want to see it,”

Well, she had a right to see what was now going to be a permanent fixture on her body, at least until they could see about some plastic surgery or something to have it removed or covered up. Abbey smiled down at her. “Okay, let me take off this bandage and then you can see it in big mirror in the bathroom.” Donna nodded back at her and laid still as Abbey removed the covering. 

Although Abbey knew what to expect she hadn’t actually seen it before it she had to make a conscious effort not to gasp. The purely maniacal sight of the grinning smile and red burned skin was hard even for her to take. Maybe Donna shouldn’t see it. Maybe she should try and prepare her for the fact that it wasn’t just a random burn. But it was too late, Donna had already risen from the bed and was heading into the bathroom. Abbey followed her. “Donna? Donna, wait I want to tell you something.”

Donna heard Abbey but kept walking. She felt the cool tile under her feet as she walked into the bathroom and up to the mirror. Pulling the edge of her underwear down and holding the tail of her shirt up she looked at the area everyone had been so careful to shield from her view. She now saw why. A smiling face, composed of 7 dots, each the size of pencil erasers and burned into her skin. She smelled it then. Just the phantom hint of a trace of a memory. Cigarette smoke and burning flesh. The room began to spin a bit and she vaguely felt Abbey’s arms go around her and ease her to the floor. From there everything was jumbled and disjointed and far away as if she was watching a movie from the wrong end of a pair of binoculars.

Abbey’s heart was nearly beating out of her chest as she watched Donna curl into fetal position on the bathroom floor. “Donna? Donna, honey? It’s okay,” Abbey said, stroking her wet hair. “We’ll fix it. You don’t have to have it forever. As soon as it heals enough we’ll find a plastic surgeon that will remove it.” Donna’s eyes were open, but Abbey got no response. Donna was quiet but she was beginning to shiver and was pulled as tightly into a ball as she could be.

Running back into the bedroom, Abbey snatched up the house phone and dialed the number for the Secret Service. “This is Mrs. Bartlet, I’m in Donna Moss’ room. I need you to get Josh Lyman up here for me now. I mean RIGHT NOW! And I need someone to go to my room and get my medical bag. It’s in the bottom of the left-hand night stand.” She slammed the phone down and, grabbing the blanket off the bed, dragged it back into the bathroom. Tossing it over Donna she continued to stroke her hair and speak to her in quiet tones. “It’s okay, Donna. Help’s coming.”

TBC


	3. Broken Glass: Chapters 11-15

Chapter 11 - MATURE

After finishing his call with Stanley, Josh had wandered a bit, looking for a distraction until his “hour” was up and he could go up and check on Donna. He found himself standing in Toby’s open doorway. Toby, his head resting in one of his hands, was hunched over a large yellow legal pad. “Well? Are you going to stand there all night or are you coming in?” Toby asked him without looking up.

“I, um, didn’t want to bother you if you were in the middle of something.”

“Never stopped you before,” Toby replied, glancing up from the pad.

“That’s true,” Josh said, walking to Toby’s office. “What are you working on?”

“A first draft of the President’s speech for the thing next week.”

“The one with the group or the one with the award?”

“The group,” he said, his attention already going back to the pad.

“So...how are Andi and the twins doing these days?” 

He looked up at Josh. “They’re good. I saw them over the weekend and all three of them are healthy and happy.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Josh replied as he wandered over to a bookcase and stared idly at the contents.

Toby’s eyes followed for a moment. It was obvious he wasn’t getting rid of Josh any time soon. “So how’s is our guest in the Residence doing?” Since his office door was open he decided to speak in a little bit of code. He felt a little foolish but if it would help protect Donna then he could deal with it.

Josh looked away from the bookcase. “About as well as can be expected,” he said. “I’m going to go and check on that in...” He looked at his watch. “About another 15 minutes.”

“I’m sorry about.....” Toby began. “The, you know, reason there needs to be a guest.”

Josh looked at him for a moment. Toby could be so cryptic sometimes, but once you learned to read him he wasn’t really that hard to figure out. Enigmatic, cynical and often hard on the outside. Yet on the inside he was a man of deep feeling and as big a teddy bear as they came. Josh also knew he had a soft spot for Donna. In his own way, Josh thought that Toby felt responsible for her. He’d been the one to tell her about Josh when he’d been shot. He’d been the one to tell her about the President’s MS. Josh also knew that Donna was very fond of Toby, the way you were fond of a big brother or a favorite uncle. “Thanks, Toby.”

Toby went back to scribbling on his legal pad. “Well, tell our guest if either of you need anything just let me know.”

“I will. Oh, say. Did CJ tell you that tomorrow afternoon she and I are going to need some time to...do the thing?” Toby wasn’t the only one who could speak in code.

“The finding thing?” he glanced up at Josh.

“Right.”

“Yeah, she told me. Is there anything you need me to take of for you while you’re gone?”

“No. It’s....” he broke off has his cell phone started ringing. “Hang on,” he told Toby. He pulled his cell out and looked at the display. He frowned when it read, ‘SS’ for ‘Secret Service.’ As he pressed the button to answer it, he tried to ignore the knot that had begun to form in his stomach, “Josh Lyman.”

“Mr. Lyman, this is Agent Walters. Mrs. Bartlet just called down from the Residence and she wants you up there immediately,” the agent said calmly but with a sense of urgency. “I believe you know which room she’s in.”

Josh was already moving, leaving a frowning Toby in his wake. He moved as fast as he could without attracting attention. “Yeah, I know. Did she say why?” 

“No, just that it was very urgent.”

“Okay, I’m on my way,” he told the agent then clicked off the phone and slid it back in his pocket. As soon as he hit the stairs that would take him up to the Residence he accelerated into a sprint. 

**********

Abbey heard feet pounding and looked up to see three Secret Service agents, including Ron Butterfield, standing in the bathroom doorway. “No! Stay back, you’ll only frighten her more. I’m fine,” she reassured them. “I just need Josh and my medical bag.”

“Josh is on his way and I sent one of the agents to your room for your bag,” Ron told her. “Is there anything we can do in the meantime?”

“No, just stay back out of the way,” she said, continuing to speak softly to Donna. A few moments later she heard running footsteps again. She hoped it was Josh and she hoped he could bring Donna back from wherever she’d gone or else Abbey would have to sedate her. A pair of feet appeared next to Ron. They were attached to another agent, Abbey’s bag clutched in his hand. He handed it to Ron and Ron stepped slowly into the bathroom until he was far enough in he could hand it to Abbey. Then he stepped back. Just in time to move out of the way for Josh, who’d come barreling through the agents. 

Josh’s heart was racing as he stopped next to Ron and it wasn’t all because of his quick trip upstairs. The sight of Donna curled into a ball on the floor of the bathroom also had something to do with it. “What happened?!” he demanded.

Abbey looked up at him. “I was changing the bandage on her hip and she asked to see the burn. I was going to stop her or least prepare her but she saw it before I could.” Josh started to move forward, his eyes locked on Donna. “Move slowly, Josh.” She watched as he slowed and measured his steps. “Ron, could you close the door and give the three of us a minute? It will be all right. She’s obviously no threat to anyone.” Ron nodded and pulled the bathroom door closed. Josh had continued to slowly move until he was kneeling beside her, his eyes still on Donna. “I’ve been trying to talk to her but there’s been no reaction. CJ told me you were able to calm her down at the hospital and I thought maybe if she heard your voice it might help. If it doesn’t I’m going to have to sedate her,” she told him.

It never occurred to him to hesitate or be scared. Donna was in pain, in need and he had to try and reach her. She’d done so much for him after Rosslyn and the Christmas that followed, he couldn’t stand by and let her suffer. As he knelt beside her and watched her struggle with the trauma of what she’d been through, instinct born of all the things they’d been through in the last 7 years, seemed to take over. He nodded to Abbey. “Move over, let me be by her head.” Abbey traded places with him.

“Donna?” he said, gently, his heart breaking for her pain. He kept his voice low as his mouth hovered near her ear. “Donnatella?” her shivering began to slow. Taking it as a good sign, he went on. “You’re safe. It’s okay. I know that seeing your hip was hard. But it will get better. We’ll make it better, I promise.” Slowly, he moved his hand to her cheek, her uninjured cheek as she was laying on her right side, and began to brush just his index finger over it in the lightest of touches. “Please Donna, please come back to me. I need you. I’ve always needed you.”

Whispers buzzed through Donna’s head. Whispers like white noise that she couldn’t understand. Whispers that stung and demanded attention. She wanted to swat at them, to make them go away. But her hands seemed paralyzed into clenched fists and even the will to lift one of them seemed beyond her. She was cold. So cold she thought that if she moved, she’d shatter into a million icy shards. The worst cold of all was at her hip. She couldn’t see why it was so cold there. All she knew was that it was a cold so hard and deep it burned like fire.

Then she heard it. Her name. A voice said her name. The voice was gentle and safe. Soft warmth began to slowly spread through her frozen limbs. Although her hip still burned viciously, the voice made it not seem so bad. 

Then, erasing the earlier horror and smell that made her so cold, came the scent. The voice’s familiar scent. Not of cologne or anything artificial. But the scent of him. The scent of home and of peace. On its most primal level, the scent of her mate. ‘Come back,’ she heard him say. ‘I need you.’ As if someone had pulled her from a block of ice and laid her in the warm afternoon sun, she began to thaw. Now, if she tried really hard, she was able to move her fingers. Slowly she reached out to him, knowing he would warm her and keep her from harm.

Now that she was no longer shivering, Josh was concentrating so hard on Donna’s face, on trying to get her to see him, he didn’t realize her hand had moved until it touched his where it rested on her cheek. Her left hand covered his tentatively at first then, in response to his gentle squeeze, latched onto it with an iron grip. Almost like he were her life line. “Donna? That’s it Donna, you can do it. Come back.” Her body seemed to relax a bit and lose some of it’s ball-like shape. He slid his arm under her and gathered her against him. Even though she’d had the comforter over her she felt ice cold to him as she curled around him and buried her face against his neck. Her eyes were closed now as he rubbed her back in slow gentle circles, rocking her gently. “It’s okay, Donnatella. You’re safe. Don’t be frightened. No one’s going to hurt you.”

Donna breathed deeply. Inhaling the scent of him as it filled her senses and the warmth of his body chased away the last fingers of frost from her soul. “Josh,” she said in a raw whisper.

Looking down he saw her eyes were still closed, “Yes, Donna. It’s me. Open your eyes, Donnatella, and look at me. You’ll see I’m right here with you.” He held his breath as there was movement under her eyelids. Then they fluttered slowly open and he was looking into her beautiful blue eyes. They were blank at first, but then a hint of life and awareness appeared as she focused in on him. “Hey,” he said gently with little smile and his heart relaxed fractionally. She blinked in response. “There you are. You had me worried there for a minute. You went away.” She nodded slightly. “Are you back now? ‘Cause I really missed you.”

She nodded to him again. ‘Yes,’ she thought. He was there, filling cold and the dark. It was safe when he was there. 

“Good,” he said with the smile she loved. “Now, how about we get you off this cold floor?” She nodded again and together they stood. Or tried to, Donna was still shaken from what had happened and was unsteady on her feet. Without a thought, Josh picked her up in his arms as Abbey went to open the door. After throwing out all the Secret Service agents, Abbey stood back as Josh carried Donna out, laid her on the bed and pulled covers over her. When he tried to stand up, she wouldn’t let go of him so he sat down on the side of the bed. “Do you want me to stay with you?” he asked gently. She nodded again. “If I do will you do something for me?” She looked at him, waiting, he knew, to hear his terms. “Will you take your medication, including a sleeping pill and then let Abbey put a new bandage on your hip?”

At the mention of her hip, Josh saw a hint of fear come into her eyes. “Hey. It’s okay. Don’t be scared. Abbey won’t hurt you and I’ll be here with you and you won’t have to see it.” He watched the wheels turning in her head before she answered. After a moment she swallowed and nodded again. Out of the corner of his eye, Josh saw Abbey move over to the dresser and start gathering the medication. “That’s my Donnatella.” 

Picking Zane up off the night stand, Josh tucked him back under the strap of her sling where she seemed to like to keep him. Abbey walked back over to them and handed Josh the cup of medication and a large glass of water. He helped Donna sit up. She took the medication without a protest and laid back down.

“Now, I’m just going to go around to the other side of the bed where there’s more room.” Her eyes followed him as he walked around the bed. Pulling off his tie and toeing off his shoes he climbed onto the bed and staying on top of the covers, he crawled over to her side. She started to roll toward him. “No, look at me but lay still a minute so Abbey can take care of you.” He started to talk to her to keep her distracted as Abbey folded back part of the sheet to expose Donna’s hip and got to work. 

“So you’ll never guess who I talked to today,” Josh said. “Stanley Keyworth. He called to say how sorry he was that something had happened to you. Do you know how many friends you have, Donna? The phones have been ringing off the hook with people calling about you.” He glanced at Abbey now and then as she silently cleaned and redressed Donna’s hip. “And I think you’re going to have to come back to work soon or I’m going to have Ryan stuffed in a box and shipped to Cuba. We’ve been trying to get rid of Castro for so long now and nothing’s worked but having Ryan there just might do it. He’s driving me crazy without you there to run interference.”

Donna’s eyes were beginning to droop as Abbey finished and she covered Donna back up again. Josh look up at Abbey and then back to Donna. He opened his arms, Donna went into them without a word. Her head was resting on his chest so she could feel and hear his heartbeat. The covers between them, Josh started stroking her back in soft circles again and in a few minutes she was asleep.

Abbey made a sweep of the room, picking up things and putting it to rights. As she came out of the bathroom carrying the comforter, she laid it on the bed. For a moment, Abbey watched the two of them with a lump in her throat. Donna was sound asleep, with Josh watching over her like a vengeful angel. ‘No two people belong together more than these two,’ she thought. Well, except maybe for her and Jed. “I’m sorry, Josh. I had no idea she’d have that reaction to seeing the burn,” she said softly.

Josh wanted to be mad at Abbey, but the truth was he had no idea Donna was going to react that way either, “It’s okay,” he mouthed her to her, unwilling to take the chance that his voice would wake up Donna.

“I’ll tell Leo what happened and that you’ll be here if he needs you,” Abbey told him quietly as she turned the lamp on the night stand down to it’s lowest setting. Josh nodded in reply. Silently, Abbey pulled the comforter up over both of them so Josh would have something to keep him warm, too.

“Thank you,” Josh mouthed to her as she did.

“You’re welcome,” she replied softly. “If you need anything just pick up the phone and dial 22. That’s our room.” Josh nodded and she left the room, pulling the door closed behind her. Hoping Jed had finished for the night and was somewhere in the Residence, she went to find him. She really needed to feel his arms around her. Needed to feel his presence to settle her after what had just happened.

**********

The first fingers of dawn were just sliding over the city when Donna’s eyes fluttered open. Disorientation seeped in as she woke. A man’s dress shirt filled her field of vision and for half a heartbeat it sent a bolt of fear through her until she realized it was Josh. She calmed instantly but the disorientation remained. Why was she sleeping next to Josh? Or more accurately, ‘against’ Josh. Her brain, still a little sluggish from the sleeping pill and the night before began to back track.

She shifted slightly and took a look around the room. ‘Where am I?’ she wondered. Oh, yes. She was in the Residence.

‘Why am I here again?’ Oh, yes. The thing she couldn’t remember. The hospital. Zoey bringing bring her here. Josh telling her about the funeral. Josh. 

‘Why is Josh here sleeping in my bed?’ Oh. The events from last night began to play in her head. Oh, God. At best, she must have looked like an idiot. At worst she must have looked completely insane. She had to learn to get a hold of herself better. It was just inconceivable and inexcusable that Josh and the First Lady would see her having a nutty on the bathroom floor. In private, she could do that, but she was the strong one and she needed to hold it the hell together when others were around.

‘It was just a little burn,’ part of her tried to rationalize. Just a burn. Oh, God. The burn. It was horrible. She shivered slightly at the thought of it. How did it get there? Could the ‘guy,’ the one she couldn’t remember, have put it there? Why would he do that to her? What had she done to him that he would do that and everything else he’d apparently done to her? ‘Sometimes they don’t need a reason,’ an unfamiliar part of her whispered from deep inside. Unconsciously, she brushed her uninjured hand over one of the scars on her thigh. ‘Sometimes they just took what they wanted.’

‘Where did that thought come from?’ she wondered. Another shiver went through her. This time not because of the burn and not from being cold. But because of something she couldn’t quite touch. Something that was lost to her.

Her first shiver had gently woken Josh and he laid there taking a moment to enjoy the feeling of her in his arms. He only wished that is was under different circumstances. Her second shiver made him frown with concern but he decided to try and keep things as normal as possible. “Good morning.”

Donna reached over and picked up her cell phone on the night stand. “Good morning. I’m sorry about last night,” she typed.

Josh’s hand rose slowly to her forehead and he brushed some hair out of her face, “Nothing to be sorry about. I’m sure seeing your hip for the first time was a shock.”

She looked at him a moment then typed something. “You knew about it? About what it...looked like?”

His expression softened. “Yeah. Your doctor told me and CJ the day you were brought into the hospital. I didn’t know if you were ready to hear about it so I didn’t tell you.” He tried to explain, hoping that she wouldn’t be angry at him for that.

“I guess you were right. I wasn’t ready,” she typed, letting him know she understood. “Does anyone else know?”

“Well, Abbey does. I don’t know if she told the President or not. And I told Stanley. Do you remember me telling you that I talked to him yesterday?”

Donna nodded, “Anyone else?”

“I don’t think so.” 

She looked a little relieved at that. “Okay.”

“Do you remember what happened last night?” he asked her gently.

“Sort of. I remember seeing my hip and then everything gets fuzzy after that,” she typed. “But I remember you saying you needed me.”

“Well, that shouldn’t be a big surprise to you. I’ve always needed you. I’m sorry if I don’t tell you enough,” he told her.

His words warmed her. She loved to be needed. Especially by him. Donna looked at the time readout on the phone. It was almost 7. “You’ve got staff in 30 minutes.”

“Yeah. I know,” he said, rubbing a hand over his face. “Do I still have that extra set of clothes in my office?” he asked her. “Somehow I don’t think Leo’s going to be really impressed with these.” He said, indicating his rumpled and wrinkled clothes.

“Your suit came back from the cleaners last week. It’s on the back of the alcove door in your office. There are two coordinating shirts hanging with it. Then down in the bottom drawer are two pairs of boxers, a couple of clean undershirts, a couple of clean ties and your spare bag of toiletries.”

He looked at her with a little bit of awe. She always kept him together. “Have I told you lately how amazing you are?”

After the whole fiasco with the first time Josh met Joey Lucas, Donna had tried to make sure Josh always had a change of clothes. Her eyes smiled at him. “I think you just did,” she typed.

Josh smiled at her. “Well, as much as I’d like to stay here, I’ve got to get going. After staff I’ve got some other things to take care of and then CJ and I are bound and determined to find you new apartment. So I guess I’ll head off to use one of the showers in the men’s locker room downstairs.”

“Or you could use the shower in here and then just change downstairs. It might save you some time.”

“My ever efficient Donnatella, you make a good point. I think I will follow your suggestion.” He started to climb out of bed then paused. “I don’t suppose you have any ‘normal’ soap in the shower do you? Or anything that doesn’t smell too ‘girly?’”

Donna managed the lopsided smile that Abbey had inspired in the hospital. “I think I saw a new bar of ‘regular’ soap in the soap dish last night.”

He smiled at her before he turned to head into the bathroom, “Good. I like to give Toby and the President as little ammunition as possible to tease me with.”

**********

Donna was lying on the couch watching TV but she looked up when a knock sounded at the door. Abbey came in a moment later. Donna turned off the set and raised her hand in greeting. Abbey was impeccably dressed in a stylish burgundy suit.

“Good morning, Donna,” Abbey greeted her. Even though she’d grilled Josh just after he’d come out of staff this morning about Donna’s state of mind, she was relieved to see for herself that Donna looked all right.”

“Good morning.”

“Was breakfast all right?” Abbey wasn’t sure if Donna would be up for company first thing this morning so she had a steward knock and then leave a room service cart outside Donna’s door. It had been laden with a couple of different dishes to try, ones she knew from Josh were Donna’s favorite. The steward reported that two of the dishes, the banana walnut pancakes and the bagels had been partially eaten and about half the orange juice was gone.

“It was wonderful. I loved the pancakes. Banana walnut are my favorite.”

Abbey smiled, “Good. And you took all your medication?” Donna nodded. “Great. Now, I just wanted to stop by and let you know that I can’t be here today when the people from the FBI and the Marshall’s office come by in about an hour. I have a luncheon I’m supposed to attend in Bethesda. But Zoey said she’d be here to help you pick out your new look.”

Donna hated the fact that the easy camaraderie she and the First Lady had before last night now seemed strained. “I’m sorry about last night, Abbey. I can’t believe I freaked out like that.”

Abbey was relieved that Donna had brought it up because she hadn’t wanted to if Donna wasn’t ready to talk about it. “Can I sit?” she asked. Donna nodded and Abbey settled herself on the couch. “It was my fault, Donna. I’m sorry that I didn’t prepare you better. To be honest, I didn’t expect it to look quite so bad. I mean your doctor told me about it but I hadn’t actually seen it before last night. Although you may not remember me saying it, I meant what I said about finding a plastic surgeon who could remove it. You may have a scar there but it won’t look as bad as it does now.”

Donna nodded. “It wasn’t your fault. I never should have flipped out like that. I just wanted to say thanks for all you’ve done for me. Especially for looking after me and letting me stay here.”

“Well, don’t let this get around but Jed and I think of all of you as kind of our extended family. We’ve been through a lot together and when we can do something to help we like to do it.”

“You’ve been very kind.”

“I’m just glad you’re feeling better this morning. Did you and Josh sleep all right last night?” she couldn’t help but smile a little. If Josh and Donna could ever get their timing right and their heads out of their asses they might actually notice they were in love with each other.

“I think Josh did, he seemed pretty rested this morning,” she typed. “I know I was. I felt much better after a good night’s sleep.”

“A good night’s sleep helps with a lot of things,” Abbey said, her expression turning serious. “Donna, honey. I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you I’m worried about you. Have you thought about talking to anyone about what happened to you? The attack I mean? Someone like a therapist? I know it really helped Zoey after the kidnapping.”

“My doctor at GW said someone from their rape crisis center would be contacting me when I could speak again. But I don’t know how much good it will do. I don’t remember anything.”

“Donna, I hate to say this but I think you did remember something last night. That’s why you had the reaction you did.”

“Well, I guess it couldn’t hurt to talk to someone,” Donna typed, hoping they could change the subject.

“I’m sure it couldn’t,” Abbey said with smile, happy they now seemed to be back on track. “Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to get moving or I’m going to be later for the luncheon. Zoey said she’d be up in about a half hour to help you get together some ideas for when our visitors get here.” She stood up from the couch. “I’m looking forward to seeing what you two come up with. I’ll check-in with you later. Bye,” she said as she left the room.

Donna stared out the window for a moment. Just how did you go about getting ready to change everything about yourself? Abbey wasn’t the only one wondering what they were going to come up with.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 12 - MATURE

"Donna?" Mike said as he knocked quickly on the open bedroom door. 

"Come in," Zoey called from where she and Donna were seated on the couch.

Mike Casper stepped into the room, followed by his two associates, each of whom were pulling large black suitcases behind them, and walked over to the couch. "Hi, Zoey," he said, greeting the first daughter. Then he turned to Donna and softened his voice. "Hi, Donna. How are you feeling today?" It occurred to him how ludicrous that question was. With her arm in a sling, the bruises on her face and neck and the other injuries he knew she had as a result of her assault, he imagined she felt pretty terrible. During the number of meetings and phone calls he'd had with Josh in the last few days, he'd heard the anger and frustration in Josh's voice over what had happened to her and he shared it. Only his years of training in the FBI had kept him from openly expressing it. He was bound and determined to get the animal that had done this to her and help her and Josh get through this in anyway he could. He was very fond of Donna and the only reason he'd never asked her out was the fact that long ago, he'd figured out that Josh was in love with her and, he suspected, Donna felt the same way about Josh. But time, circumstance and, in his opinion, plain stupidity and stubbornness on both their parts, had kept them apart.

Donna and Zoey rose from the couch to greet the visitors. "I’m okay. Thanks, Mike," she typed. Donna had always liked Mike Casper and not just because Josh was friends with him. Mike had always been respectful of her and even a little innocently flirtatious when things weren't too hectic. At one point she'd considered tying to get him to ask her out but she'd discarded the idea because he was such a good friend of Josh's. 

"I'd like you to meet the ladies that will be working with you today on setting up your new identity. This is Deputy Patricia Taylor from the US Marshall's office." 

"Hi, nice to meet you," Patricia told her, holding out her hand.

Donna swallowed her apprehension. She was still getting use to touching people again, especially strangers, but she held out her hand anyway. She had to use her left hand as her right one was still in a sling. Patricia took it in a firm handshake. Dressed in jeans and a light cotton blouse, she was about Zoey's height with a similar build, but was probably closer to Donna's age, with a fresh face and long dark brown hair she had pulled into a serviceable ponytail.

"And this is Special Agent Shannon James, from the FBI office here in DC," Mike told her. 

"Hello," Shannon said, also holding out her hand. Again Donna shoved down her unease and shook the woman's hand. Shannon, who was probably also about Donna’s age, was about Donna’s height with honey blond hair that she wore very short and she wore just a soft hint of make-up. She looked very inch the FBI agent in her dark but stylish suit and white blouse. She kind of reminded Donna of a blonde Dana Scully.

"They both have extensive experience in this kind of work. I'm sure they'll be able to get you set up with a believable disguise," Mike said. "Oh, I have some paperwork I need you to sign. But you'll have to sign them in your new name. Have you thought of what you'd like to call your alter ego?"

Donna nodded and started typing, "Sydney Collins." She held the phone up for him and the others to see.

"Sydney Collins, huh? I like it," Mike said. "Do you mind me asking how you came up with it?"

Donna started typing again, “Actually Zoey suggested “Sydney” for the girl on that show ‘Alias.’ Sydney Bristow.”

“Yeah,” Zoey said, continuing the story. “I thought it fit because her character is always dressing up in disguises. And, well, I thought it was a nice name.”

“And Collins?” he asked.

“We were going to authors to find a last name and I thought of ‘Jackie Collins’ so I used hers,” Donna typed into the phone.

Mike smiled at them, “Great. I only ask because I wanted to make sure that the name you picked wasn’t something that could be easily tied to your real identity. Okay, so Sydney Collins it is.” He pulled a folder out of his briefcase, removed a couple of sheets of paper from it and laid them on the small dining table. “You’re welcome to read them or I can explain them to you.”

“Please explain them,” Donna replied.

So he did and she signed them. Mostly they were forms like a Power of Attorney, to allow Mike to transfer money from her “Donna Moss” accounts and into her new “Sydney Collins” accounts, as well as forms giving him the authority to get her new credentials and identification in the name of “Sydney Collins.”

“Okay,” Mike said, gathering up all the paperwork. “I will get every rolling on this, but right now I’ve got a meeting with Ron Butterfield and then I’m hoping to catch Josh and talk to him for a few minutes.”

"I think he'll be out for most of the afternoon, he and CJ are trying to find me a new place to live," she typed.

Mike smiled at her, "Well, I think I can find some way to keep myself out of trouble. When I get back from speaking with Josh and you have your new look but together we can take your ID photos too. Oh, and Donna, before I go I was wondering if I could set up a time to talk with you."

Donna frowned slightly, "About what?"

"Well, I need to take your statement down about the attack. The DC police wanted to do it but with this being a joint investigation, I told them I would take care of it since I knew you." He paused and looked at her for a minute. "Unless you'd like someone else. It's okay with me if you do," he said, trying not to put any extra pressure on her. "Maybe you'd be more comfortable with a female agent?"

Donna shook her head. It wasn't talking to Mike that made her hesitate. "No. I'm just not sure how much I'm going to be able to tell you. My memory is pretty much a blank slate from that night."

"Well, anything you can remember would be helpful. Maybe talking it through with someone will help you remember something," he told her. "We can do it right here. You can have anyone present you'd like. I imagine Josh will want to be here." Mike didn't mention that because of the cell phone call with her attacker, Josh would need to give a statement of his own.

Donna nodded slightly, "How about tomorrow morning? Around 10?"

Mike smiled at her, "Good. That's sounds fine. Well, I have to go and see Agent Butterfield. I'll be back later.” 

With that he left the room and Shannon closed the door behind him. “Well, since you’ve picked out new name we’ll start using it. It will help you get use to hearing people call you by it.” She smiled at Donna, trying to put her at ease. “So, Sydney, do you have any ideas on what your new look should be?”

Donna shook her head and started to type. “No. I haven't a clue. I’m going to need lots of help.”

Shannon glanced at Patricia and they shared a smile, “Well you’re in luck, because that what we’re here for.”

**********

Donna stood alone in the bathroom and looked at herself in the large mirror. They’d been at it all afternoon, brainstorming ideas and then trying them out, discarding the ones that didn’t work and refining the ones that did. The large suitcases that Patricia and Shannon had brought with them contained a treasure trove of make-up, wigs and accessories that would have made even the fictional “Sydney Bristow” envious. They explained that their kits were only samples and that after taking some measurements, a final set of contact lenses, make-up, wigs and accessories would be sent over to her before she left the Residence. And as Donna looked at herself in the mirror she now thought that all their hard work might not have been in vain. Even she didn’t recognize the reflection of the woman in the mirror.

First, they’d worked with her eye color, trying out different colors and shades of contact lenses until they’d settled on the soft hazel she was now wearing. While they were comfortable enough, she didn’t know if she would ever get used to sticking her finger in her eye.

Next they’d brought out a sunless-tanning cream to help hide her alabaster skin. Not a lot of color, not even enough to say she had a tan. Just a hint of color to hide her normally pale skin tone. It would need to be reapplied about once a month on all areas that she thought might be left exposed by her clothing. So that meant her lower legs and feet, her arms, her upper chest and neck and face. Rather than trying to be selective about where it went, Donna had decided to put it everywhere except for the ‘bikini lines’ caused by keeping her underwear and bra on. After removing her sling, she and Zoey had gone into the bathroom where Zoey helped her get it on the areas she couldn’t reach because of her arm. Once it had settled into her skin, it had added just a little bit of a glow that Donna actually kind of liked. 

Once they’d had her ‘new’ skin tone down, they’d done her make-up, more to hide the bruises on her face and neck than anything else at that point. Using a special kind of cover-up concealer the marks had been temporarily but efficiently erased. Although since she’d never worn much make-up and the amount of make-up they’d used was pretty extensive and yet still looked fairly natural, it had changed her appearance just a little bit more. They’d shown her how to apply the make-up to subtly hide her old attributes and how to use it to punch up new ones. It wasn’t that she minded the putting on or the wearing of make-up. It was the taking off part that she hated. And she was going to have to lay in a large supply of cold cream and make-up remover because the amount of make-up they were suggesting was going to need almost as much work to take off as it would to put on.

Then they’d moved onto her hair. Donna had debated about just coloring it, rather than having to deal with a wig, but since they were planning on a fairly drastic color change, she found that she just couldn’t do it. She did however, allow Patricia, whom she’d found out had originally been a make-up artist in Hollywood and a licensed beautician before being snapped up by the US Marshall’s office for work of this type, to cut it. It would be easier to hide under a wig if it was shorter, Donna had reasoned. Now, it was cut in a jaw length bob and all she had to do to hide it under her wig was lean her head back and put on a kind of modified hair net.

While her own hair had been a fairly simple decision, deciding on her wig style had been fairly complicated. Long, medium, or short. Black, brown or red. Straight, curly or slightly wavy. After trying on so many wigs she felt like one of those Styrofoam display heads you see in department stores, they’d all settled on a wig that was medium length and curly, but not “bad perm” curly, with bangs, in a slightly mousy, dark shade of brown. Except for the color and the bangs, both of which Donna detested, the wig looked a little like how CJ had worn her hair during the first campaign and in the early days of the President’s first year in office.

At that point, when Donna had modeled the new look for them, they’d all realized that it still wasn’t enough. Well, Zoey’s exact words had been, “The problem is, Sydney, especially with your height, you still look too much like Donna.”

But Shannon and Patricia hadn’t depleted their bag of tricks just yet. They fished out a pair of glasses with fairly thick tortoise shell colored frames for Donna to wear. They’d helped hide her eyes and a large part her face even more, but it still wasn’t enough.

Then they’d pulled out a partial lower dental plate. It looked a little like the fake teeth that people use at Halloween to give themselves fangs or a heavy overbite. Except this was a dentist quality plate and it fit over her lower front teeth. Since Donna had always had just the touch of overbite, they theorized the partial plate would make her lower teeth slightly more pronounced, thereby changing the whole appearance of the alignment of her jaw. After assuring Donna it was clean and sterilized, they convinced her to slide it over her lower front teeth. They’d all been amazed at how much it had changed the look of her face. The only problem was that even though Patricia and Shannon had taken an impression of her mouth so that a custom dental plate could be made that would fit as well as possible, she mostly likely wouldn’t be able to ingest anything more than liquids with it in. So basically that meant she couldn’t eat anything while she was wearing her disguise. 

They also took impressions of the roof of her mouth so they could have a small plastic plate made that would slightly change the way she would talk.

Of course, Zoey had been on a roll and at that point had said, “While Sydney’s head no longer looks like Donna, her body still does.” Donna loved Zoey like a little sister but by that time she’d been ready to tell her where she could stick her ‘Sydney looks too much like Donna’ comments.

And so Shannon and Patricia had come to the last trick in there suitcases of fun. Padded undergarments. Kind of like a padded bra for her body. Actually it was kind of a one piece body suit that she would wear under her clothes. It would make her go from being a size 4 to a size 8-10. And yes, it included a heavily padded built-in bra that made her go from a B cup to a D cup. She was hot and uncomfortable, her arm hurt from being out of its sling and she felt like she was wrapped in pillows. They brought along one set of clothing, consisting of loose-fitting black pants and a long, loose black blouse covered in small burgundy flowers, that would be big enough for her to wear over her 'new body' but, they explained, getting the rest of her new wardrobe would be her responsibility. Yeah, because she wanted to shop for clothes that were 4 sizes too big for her.

Donna brushed some of the wig hair out of her face as she stared at her reflection. A reflection of a stranger. Stripped of everything, figuratively and literally, that she’d made of herself since she’d left Dr. Freeride. Since she’d grabbed hold of her life and finally made it her own. Life had once again conspired to make her nothing and no one. To make her less than she was. To make her have to lie about who she was. So now she was plain. Where Donna had always had a distinctive look to her face, 'Sydney' was somewhat bland, slightly frumpy and definitely non-descript, which was exactly the look they were going for. No one would look too closely at her or remember her too much. 

Her mother would have been so proud. It was just what she'd always wanted.

Part of her was sobbing for the loss but there was no vent for the tears. No release. No peace. Just her, alone, standing dry-eyed in front of a mirror she wanted to smash with her bare hands so she didn’t have to look at the person she’d been forced to become.

‘But...’ she thought. ‘Everyone seems to have decided that this is the right thing to do and I always do what I’m told, right?’ Even if it killed her spirit. She had to die to live. She almost laughed at that. Not the funny kind of laughter but the kind that once you started you almost always disintegrated into tears. So instead of laughing or crying, she simply took a deep breath, straightened her new blouse and opened the bathroom door for the unveiling.

"Oh, Don...I mean Sydney. You look amazing!" Zoey exclaimed. You look nothing like Donna. No one is going to recognize you. I bet even Josh wouldn't know you."

For some reason the thought that even Josh wouldn't be able to tell it was her made Donna want to cry more than anything else had. She blinked and smiled as best she could instead. "Thanks, Zoey," she typed.

**********

"Well, I think she's going to like it," CJ said, as she and Josh drove back to the White House. "I just can't believe we found it the first day. I was sure it was going to take us the rest of the week to find her a place. Especially in Georgetown and for the price range we were looking for."

Josh glanced at her from the driver's seat, "Yeah. I was kind of surprised too. But it sure is a nice building. Underground parking, full security, central heating and air. They even allow pets. Not that Donna has any but she could have one if she wanted to. She's even closer to the White House than I am. The apartment is a little small but for one person it's fine and Donna will like the hardwood floors," he said, referring to the one bedroom, one bath, newly renovated unit they'd looked at. "The landlord and his wife were nice too. Not like the guy at her old place. And the price was definitely right. If I pay half, she should be able to swing it." Okay, so he was going to have to pay a little more than half but it didn't matter to him at that point.

"Did you already talk to Sam about setting up the dummy corporation to pay the rent from?" CJ asked him, as he pulled the car to a stop at the White House gate so they could show their identification.

"Yeah," he said, as the guard released them to drive on. "Get this, we decided to call it, J&S Enterprises, Inc." He couldn't hide a smirk when he told her.

CJ looked at him for a minute, trying to figure out what 'J&S' stood for. "As in Josh and Sam Enterprises?"

He grinned at her, "Sam and I are going to be partners in this little endeavor. As well as setting up everything, he even put in a little money to get things started. He insisted actually. I think it was a way for him to feel like he's helping Donna even though he's in California." He looked at CJ for a second with a frown, "It's not too easy to figure out is it?" he asked.

"No, Pal O'Mine, not unless you're good at putting two and two together like I am," she grinned at him. "Plus the smirk you had when you said it was kind of a giveaway. I like it. Have you decided how you're going to tell her about it?"

"Oh, yeah. Sam and I have got it all figured out. See the apartment is actually leased to J&S Enterprises, Inc., but we've contracted with a property management firm to take care of the details. Every month, J&S Enterprises, Inc. pays the management company, the management company pays the landlord for the entire rent and then Donna sends what she thinks is her sublease rent to the property management company, who sends it to Sam to deposit in our account. If there are any issues in the apartment like a leak or some kind of maintenance, then Donna just calls the landlord."

CJ watched him for a moment as he pulled the car into his assigned space.

"What?" he said, pulling the keys out of the ignition. 

"You just continue to amaze me with how sweet you're being about this whole thing. And she doesn't even know," CJ replied softly.

"And I don't want her to know. It will only mess with her head. Right now she's got to focus on getting better." He paused, uncomfortable with CJ telling him what a great guy he was being. He wasn't used to hearing it from her and it was kind of freaking him out. "Do you have all the pictures and brochures?" he said, changing the subject as they climbed out of the car.

They'd actually seen 8 apartments that day but only three were anywhere close to what they wanted for price, location and friendly and secure atmosphere. The one they were going to offer as their best choice, and the one that Josh had already put a deposit on, was the one bedroom they'd been discussing in the car. He knew what Donna liked and he knew she would like that one. But he'd promised to let her choose so he'd made sure they'd taken digital photos of each one and picked up any brochures or flyers that they offered.

"Got them right here," she said, holding up a manila folder.

"I wonder how things went with the people Mike sent over," he said being sure to choose his words carefully as they walked toward the Northwest Lobby. Even more than that, he wondered how she'd fared in general while he'd been gone. When he'd left her this morning she didn't seem to be suffering any ill effects from the trauma of the night before but he was still worried about her. Last night had scared the shit out of him. As far as he knew, no one but those who had been present and Leo knew what happened. Although Josh wouldn't be surprised if the President knew about it as well. Between Leo and Abbey, one of them would have most likely told him.

"I can't wait to see what they came up with," CJ said, also choosing her words carefully as they walked inside.

"Yeah, I was kind of wondering that myself." Josh commented. He couldn't imagine Donna not looking like, well...Donna. He saw Mike waiting in the lobby for him. "Hey, Mike."

"Hi, Josh. Ms. Cregg," he said, nodding toward her.

"Agent Casper," CJ said, with a casual nod.

Mike turned back to him, "Josh, I need to talk to you for a few minutes."

"Sure Mike, why don't we go into my office?"

"Actually Leo asked to be kept informed too so I thought maybe we could meet in his office so I could tell you both at one.

"Okay." He turned to CJ. "Um..."

"Yeah, I'm going to go and check on...you know and present this stuff," CJ said, pointing upwards with the file folder of apartment stuff.

"Okay. Tell our guest I'll be there in a few minutes," he said. She gave them a little wave and headed for the Residence.

"So Mike, any idea how things are going with our guest?" Josh asked him as they walked toward Leo's office.

"I honestly don't know," Mike told him. "After I took them up there, I had a meeting with Ron Butterfield at 1 and I had to run back to my office to take care of something and haven't made it back up there since. I figured I'd check on them after we get finished." They walked into the open door into Leo's office.

"Hi, Mike," Leo said, shaking his hand as Josh closed all of Leo's doors. "Have a seat. So where are we at?"

Mike settled himself in a chair while Josh remained standing. He had too much energy to sit down. "Well, our profilers believe we're looking at a new serial killer."

"Why?" Leo asked him.

"Because of what Donna's attacker told Josh," Mike explained. "The part about her being the first and the fact that he hadn't planned to strangle her originally, lead us to believe that he is a newly minted serial killer. We also think there's a high probability that he will kill again and with the lack of remorse he showed during the cell call, it will most likely be soon." He paused. "But we're not discounting the idea that he's killed before. We're currently doing a national search for like crimes. Serial killers don't always stay in one place. Often when they feel like they're close to being caught or they're just ready to see somewhere new they'll move and start killing in their new location. Then there are also the cases where a serial killer will go to prison for a while on another charge and then get out and start killing again. Right now we're looking at all those."

"And you still think Donna's in danger?" Josh asked.

"If he knew she was alive, most definitely. From the tone of your conversation with him it sounds like he thinks he's almost on some kind of holy mission and if he found out she was alive, not only would she be in danger but the anger it would cause in him would most likely make him step up his attacks on other women to make up for his earlier failure."

"And Ron still thinks there could be a threat to the President if it were found out she was alive?" Leo said.

Mike nodded briskly. "Just like when Charlie was targeted, Ron feels that the President could somehow get caught in the crossfire..." Mike glanced at Josh. "So to speak...of an attack on Donna. It's the same reason the President made Ms. Cregg agree to Secret Service protection. That and the fact that he's very protective of all his staff. The difference here is that since the killer already thought she was dead, we felt it the best course of action was to let her remain dead."

"Yeah, and the President and I agree," Leo had said quietly. “We know it might be tough but it’s going to be necessary for the time being.”

The three of them were silent for a moment, until Josh finally spoke. "Do we really think we're going to be able to hide Donna under everyone's noses? We have press wandering through the bull pen all the time. I mean, have you seen Donna? Tall, beautiful, blonde, Donna? It's going to be kind of hard to put her in a disguise and pass her off as my 'new' assistant. About as hard as trying to pass a disguised CJ off as our 'new' press secretary." Even if it would keep her safe, Josh hated the thought of making her dress up all the time and pretend to be someone else. He knew Donna and knew that would slowly eat at her. Especially since it wouldn't only be at work. It would be all time except when she was at home or at one of their homes where no one could see her.

"Well, I think we could pull it off. Ron said that he could put some Agents on a detail that would keep the press out of the bull pen unless they were escorted by one of CJ's staff. " He paused. "About the only other alternative is to keep her stashed in some safe house or in the Residence until we catch this guy. But she'd be a virtual prisoner. Her cell would be terrific but it would still be a cell," Mike said.

Somewhere in the back of Josh's mind, a line from a song drifted. 'A bird in a cage will forget how to sing...if you love me, give me wings.'

Words tumbled from his mouth before he even realized he was thinking them. "What if I fired her? Or she quit? I could send her out to California. Sam would hire her. I know he would," Josh said. Leo and Mike stared at him in surprise. "I mean she'd be safe then, wouldn't she?" 

Of course, he had no idea how he would be able to do it. If he told her the truth, she would immediately leave, but she would be devastated that she, through no fault of her own, had been the cause of a possible threat to the President. If he lied to her to get her to leave, not only would it be like ripping off every appendage he had to let her go, but there would be no way he could do it without hurting her. 

"Josh," Mike said, quietly. "It's very likely that it wouldn't make a difference. If she went out to California as Donna Moss, someone in the press would most likely find out and her secret would be found out anyway and there's no reason to believe that he wouldn't just get on a plane and fly out to California and finish the job." He paused. "Like I said, it's not forever. We only need her to wear a disguise until we can catch him."

"I guess there's really no other choice then," Josh replied, softly.

"Unfortunately, for now, this is the way it has to be," Mike said.

"Okay Mike. Thanks for the update. Keep us posted," Leo said, rising and reaching out to shake his hand.

Mike rose and shook Leo's hand. "I will." He and Josh turned to head for the door. "Oh, Josh. I'm going to be here tomorrow to interview Donna and..."

"Wait...what?" Josh demanded.

"I said I'm going to be here tomorrow to interview Donna," Mike repeated.

"When did you set that up?"

Mike was a little taken aback by Josh's apparent anger. "This morning when I dropped off Shannon and Patricia. Why? Is there a problem?"

"Yeah, there's a problem. I'm not sure she's ready," Josh said.

"Why isn't she ready? She seemed okay this morning," Mike replied.

The image of Donna curled up on the bathroom floor flashed through his mind. There was no way he was telling Mike about that, no matter how good a friend he was. "She still has some issues with the attack."

"Like what?"

"Just issues, Mike. If you'd been through what she'd been through you'd have issues, too. Look she can't even remember that night. She said it's a blank."

Mike kept his cool in the face of Josh's defensiveness. He knew Josh was only doing it out of concern for Donna. "Yes, but like I told her, sometimes talking something out can help you remember."

"Yeah, but she can't even talk yet! The doctor said she shouldn't until the end of the week." He was quickly running out of arguments.

"She seemed to be using the phone to communicate pretty well this morning," Mike replied.

"But..." He had nothing else. "Fine, then I want to be there when you talk to her."

"That's fine. I told her we'd do it her room in the Residence and she could have anyone there she wanted to. I'm not the bad guy here, Josh. I want this process to be a painless as possible for her."

He sighed. “I know, Mike. Sorry. Okay," Josh conceded. "What time?"

"10 a.m.," Mike said. "And remember, I'm also going to need to take your statement, Josh. You talked to the caller before the recording began. You might be able to provide some details from that part of the conversation that might help us."

"Yeah, I know. How about if we do right after your talk with Donna tomorrow?"

"That works fine for me. We can talk in your office," Mike replied.

"Um, Mike, Donna doesn't really know the details of what the caller told me, do you think we could keep it that way?" Josh asked him. He didn't want Donna to hear any more than she needed to.

"Sure, I think that can be arranged."

Leo, who'd been sitting in his chair, watching the exchange between the two of them silently, slid his glasses on. "Well, now that you've both got that settled, get out of my office. I've got things to do."

Josh pulled the door open and he and Mike went out into hall. "I'm going to go check on our guest. Are you coming?" Mike asked him.

"Yeah, in a second. I have to just check for a thing in my office," he replied. Sam had promised to fax the J&S incorporation papers to him this afternoon. Hopefully he could sign them and send them back off to him. "I'll be up in a minute."

**********

CJ got to the top of the stairs and had started down the hall when she ran into Abbey. "Hello, Mrs. Bartlet."

"Hello, Claudia Jean. You're looking well."

"I am, ma'am, thank you. How did your luncheon go today?" she asked as they continued walking down the hall.

"Very well, I think. We had chicken salad with papaya, sorbet for dessert and I didn't embarrass myself or the President during the speech I made. I count that as a success."

CJ smiled, "Sounds like it to me."

“So I’m guessing we’re headed to the same destination.”

CJ smiled. “Yeah, Josh and I found her a great apartment and I wanted to show it to her.”

Abbey smiled back, “So the fact that she and Zoey and the people that Mike Casper sent over have been working all afternoon on a new look for Donna didn’t play into your decision to come up here at all?”

“Well, maybe just a little bit,” CJ admitted with a grin as they got to Donna’s door. Abbey knocked and they heard Zoey tell them to come in. Abbey opened the door and the two of them stepped inside. Zoey was sitting on one of the chairs and three women she was unfamiliar with were sitting on the couch. 

“Zoey, where’s Donna? Is she in the bathroom?” Abbey asked, referring to the fact that the bathroom door was closed.

Zoey paused a moment, then nodded, “Ah, yeah. Donna’s in the bathroom.”

“Well, then why don’t you introduce CJ and me to our guests?” she said.

“Oh, sure. Ladies, this is my mother and the First Lady, Abigail Bartlet and CJ Cregg the White House Press Secretary. Mom, CJ. This is Deputy Patricia Taylor from the US Marshall’s office.” The two women shook hands. “This is Deputy Sydney Collins, also from the US Marshall’s office.” Abbey shook the young woman’s hand. “And this is Special Agent Shannon James from the FBI.” Abbey shook her hand.

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you ladies. How’s it been going? Did you have any luck with finding Donna a proper disguise?”

The three women sitting on the couch nodded. “Oh, I think we finally came up with something that will work, Mrs. Bartlet,” Shannon replied.

“Yeah, Mom. I bet you won’t even recognize her. Oh, and we’re not calling her Donna any more.”

CJ frowned, “What else would we call her?”

“Oh, we’re calling her by the new name she settled on. We figured it would help her get used to people calling her by it,” Patricia replied.

“What name did she pick?” Abbey asked. Zoey and the three women on the couch looked at each other. “Zoey?” Abbey paused a minute to look at her daughter. Something was up. “What name did Donna pick?”

Zoey grinned, “Sydney Collins.”

“Oh, Sid...” Abbey and CJ got it at the exact same moment, their eyes whipping back to the couch.

“DONNA?!” They both exclaimed together. “Sydney” nodded with just the hint of a smile.

“Oh, my God!” CJ said with a laugh. “You look amazing. I didn’t even recognize you!”

“So who’s in the bathroom?” Abbey asked.

“No one. We just closed the door to throw people off,” Zoey replied.

“Very sneaky. Well, Donna, I mean Sydney, stand up so we can see you,” Abbey told her. 

Donna did as they asked and came around the coffee table so they could see her completely. “That’s incredible,” Abbey said, flabbergasted. “You guys outdid yourselves. She’s completely different.”

Everyone swarmed around her commenting on everything from her hair to her eyes to her teeth to the fact that she looked like she’d been pounding down 50 hamburgers a day for the last six months. Donna felt a little like a race horse or a fatted calf being looked over before being put up for sale. She also didn’t like so many people in such close proximity. Nor did she like the fact they were all touching her. Lightly and gently touching her hair, her shoulder, her arm, which still hurt, but touching her nonetheless. She started to feel the panic rise in her just a little bit. She needed to get away for a minute to get herself under control. 

Pulling the phone out of her pocket she jotted down a quick message. “Need to use the restroom.” Then she tried to move as quickly as she could without drawing their suspicion. As she opened the bedroom door, the five women were still chatting and remarking just how great Donna looked so she supposed she done a good job of hiding her panic.

Closing the door, she leaned against it. Looking up, she was facing the mirror and saw the hated reflection again. Changing positions, she leaned against one of the side walls where her field of vision didn’t include a reflective surface. Rubbing sore her arm absently, Donna wished for her sling but it was in the other room and she wasn’t ready to go out there yet. Taking a couple of deep breaths, she brought her rapidly beating heart under control.

So even CJ and Mrs. Bartlet hadn’t recognized her. That was kind of interesting. Now that she was calmer, she stood up and walked over to the mirror. As she stood and looked at “Sydney” something occurred to her. Sydney was a blank slate, she could make her be whatever she wanted. After all, she’d taken drama in college. This could be her greatest part yet. Since it apparently didn’t matter if she hated having to be someone else or not, she might as well make the best of it. Hadn’t that been what she’d done her entire life? Taken a bad situation and made the best of it? If she’d let her, Sydney could be her shield. Sydney wouldn’t be scared to be around a large group of people. Sydney didn’t have bruises or burns or scars. Sydney wasn’t almost strangled to death. Sydney wasn’t raped. Sydney didn’t have holes in her memory or nutties on the bathroom floor. 

Sydney wasn’t dead. 

Yes, Donna realized, that was a very interesting thought.

**********

Josh, his mind still on Donna and his conversation with Mike, walked through the lobby and into the bullpen. “Hey, Josh. There’s someone....” Ryan began.

“Not now, Pest Boy. I’ve got something to do,” he said, moving to his closed office door.

“Okay...” Ryan said, turning to go in the other direction.

Josh opened the door and stepped inside. And stopped dead in his tracks. It wasn’t often that he entered his office to find an incredibly shiny pair of black dress shoes, black dress socks and black pant legs propped up on his desk. The identity of the owner of said pants and shoes was hidden behind an open newspaper. “Um...can I help you?” Josh had a feeling this is what Ryan had been trying to tell him when he walked through the bullpen.

The owner leaned forward and laid the still open paper down on Josh’s desk, “Actually, I thought a better question might be, can I help you?”

“SAM!” Josh cried, slamming the door and rushing over to his friend. Sam grinned and stood up to embrace Josh as he came across the room. “What are you doing here?” Josh asked him as they separated. Courtesy of the President, Sam still had his White House credentials so he could pretty much come and go as he pleased.

“Well, funny thing,” Sam said, sitting down on the corner of the desk. “I was about to fax you these incorporation papers for J&S Enterprises, Inc., which by the way I think would still sound better if we called it S&J Enterprises, when my fax machine apparently stopped working. So I figured I had three choices. One, I could call a repairman. He’d take his own sweet time getting there, which would of course delay me getting these documents to you. Two, I could try and fix the machine myself and probably end up electrocuting myself. Or three, I could deliver them in person. Did you know that LAX has non-stop flights about every hour from LA to National and Dulles?”

Josh smiled, “You know you’re forgetting your other choice?”

“What’s that?” Sam asked him.

“You could have found the nearest Kinko’s and used their fax,” Josh said with a smirk.

“Okay, so four choices, something to remember for next time. But since I’m here and everything, why don’t you sign these so it won’t be a completely wasted trip,” he said with a smirk of his own as he handed Josh a file containing all the paperwork to start J&S Enterprises, Inc.

Josh took the folder and clapped Sam on the shoulder. “It’s never a wasted trip when we get to see you Sam,” he said, sitting down in his chair. “You look good. Tan. Apparently California agrees with you.”

Sam sighed a bit, “Yeah, I guess. I’m just not sure that I agree with California. Josh? What do you think about me moving my law practice to DC?”

Josh leaned back in his chair and grinned. “I think it’s a great idea. We could hang out again. I know Toby and CJ would love to see you again. We’ve sure missed you around here.”

“Yeah, well, I’ve been giving it some serious thought. California’s great and all, but I love D.C. All my friends are here and all I have there are my constantly fighting parents.”

“Well, then I think you should do it.”

“Thanks for the input. I’ve a couple of loose ends to tie up before I pull up stakes completely but I wanted to get your opinion before I jumped in with both feet.” He paused. “So how’s Donna?”

“She’s doing okay. Actually, I was on my way up to see her. I came here to see if your fax had come through first. I was going to sign the papers and send them back to you. But since you’re here I’ll do it right now,” Josh replied. Pulling out a pen he scribbled his name next to Sam’s in all the areas he’d marked.” Stuffing the papers back in the folder he handed it to Sam. “Thanks for your help with this Sam.”

“No, problem. What are friends for? I know if I ever needed help you guys would all be there for me.”

“You know we would, man. Just say the word. So how long are you staying?” Josh asked him.

“I have a court date in two weeks that I can’t miss but other than that I can hang around.”

“You want to crash at my place? I’ve got an empty guest room that you could use,” Josh told him.

“That would be great,” Sam told him. “But I want to earn my keep, so is there anything you or Donna need help with?”

“Actually, now that you mention it, CJ and I just found Donna a new apartment but I don’t know where I’m going to find the time to get the things from her old place cleaned, packed up and moved over there by the end of the week.”

“Say no more. I’ll take care of it,” Sam told him.

“Really? Thanks, Sam. You’re a life saver. I figured I could help you move the big things on Saturday. Although I think the only big things she has are her couch, TV and a small desk. I was planning on buying her a new bed and new bedroom furniture so her new bedroom is....different than the old one.”

“Yeah,” Sam replied, understanding what Josh meant. “Have you picked out the stuff for the bedroom yet?”

Josh rubbed a hand over his face. “Nope, between regular work and Donna, I’ve been a little too busy to go furniture shopping. Actually I was hoping to delegate it to CJ.”

“That’ll go over real big,” Sam told him. “Why don’t you save yourself from the beating she’d give you and let me take care of it? I’ve got better taste than you or CJ anyway. Just tell me what pieces I need to get.”

“Well, her new bedroom isn’t that big so I guess a queen sized bed, a dresser and maybe a couple of small night stands and lamps,” Josh counted off.

“Tell you what. I’ll get the papers for J&S Enterprises, Inc. going and then I’ll take care of all the new apartment and old apartment stuff.”

“Great, Sam. I can’t tell you how glad I am to see you,” Josh told his long time friend. “Why don’t you and I go up and see Donna right now?” he said, getting up out of his chair. “They’ve been working all afternoon to put together a disguise for her to wear until they catch the guy. It should be interesting to see what they’ve come up with.”

**********

“I’m telling you Abbey, there’s no way he’s going to recognize her,” CJ told her. “Agent Casper didn’t recognize her and he works for the FBI.” She said, pointing to Mike, who was talking to Shannon about something.

Abbey looked at her for a minute, then she looked over at “Sydney” who was sitting on the couch, text messaging Zoey. Abbey had seen some interesting sides of the Josh and Donna dynamic in the last few days. “I’ll bet you $20 that he does.”

CJ held her hand out, “Deal.”

**********

“So where’s Toby today?” Sam asked Josh as they walked down the hall to Donna’s room.

“Oh, Leo sent him and Angela Blake up to the Hill to meet with Senator Leeds.”

“Why didn’t you go?” Sam asked.

“Well, I wish I could say it was because I was out apartment shopping with CJ but the real reason is that Leo and I are having issues.”

“Still?” Sam said. “I thought you’d worked that all out?”

“Angela Blake’s still here, isn’t she?”

“Well, yeah, but...” Sam began.

“If she’s still here then Leo and I still have issues,” Josh explained. “I have an issue with him because he brought her here and he has an issue with me because he felt that he HAD to bring her here.”

“Ah, I see,” Sam said, as they got to Donna’s closed bedroom door. They could hear voices coming from inside.

“Hey, Sam. Stay out here a second, I want to surprise them,” Josh whispered. Sam nodded and with a smile, pressed himself up against the hallway wall so they wouldn’t be able to see him. Josh knocked on the door. He heard someone, he thought it was CJ, yell, “Who is it?”

“It’s Josh.” Judging from what he could hear through the door, the volume and activity level in the room seemed to go up sharply. “Come in,” the voice yelled.

Josh turned the knob and opened the door. He was greeted by a room full of people, which surprised him because Donna had seemed uncomfortable around large groups of people since the attack. Mike Casper stood just off to Josh’s right while all the women in the room, all 6 of them, stood casually along one wall. The hairs on the back of Josh’s neck prickled ever so slightly. “What’s going on ladies?”

“We’ve got a question for you Josh,” CJ told him. The look on her face told him that something was definitely up. “O...kay. Um, before you do though I have a surprise for you all.” He motioned to his partner in crime who stepped into the doorway.

“SAM!” CJ, Abbey and Zoey chorused. Although Donna was happy to see him too, she knew what would come after they greetings were over, so forced herself to remain still and silent. CJ and Zoey started to move over to Sam, but Abbey stopped them. “Wait. Let’s finish what we started here. Since Sam’s here, let’s ask him first, he’ll be nice and impartial.” Abbey looked at him. “Sam, one of the women in this room is Donna Moss in disguise. Can you tell us who she is?”

Sam looked carefully around the room at each of the woman that he didn’t recognize. “No. Wow, that’s scary, I can’t tell which one is Donna. None of them look like her.”

CJ smirked, “Josh. What about you? Do you know which one is Donna?”

“Of course I do, CJ.”

She’d played poker with Josh enough to know when to suspect when he was bluffing. ‘Well, which one is she?”

Without a moments hesitation, he replied. “The one with the brown curly hair, the glasses, the black pants, the flowered shirt and the extra thirty pounds.”

Abbey looked at CJ, who was gaping like a fish, and smirked, “I believe that’s $20 you own me, Claudia Jean.” Abbey said, holding out her hand.

CJ slapped the money into Abbey’s hand. “Josh? How could you know that? None of us knew that, not even Mike and Abbey.” Her eyes narrowed. “You didn’t cheat did you?”

Josh smirked at her CJ and walked over to Donna. “I didn’t need to cheat, CJ. I know Donna.” 'My Donnatella,' he thought, as he reached up and carefully pulled off her glasses. “Just because you give her colored contacts doesn’t mean you change the shape of her eyes. And just because you give her fake hair, doesn’t mean you’ve changed the way she cocks her head slightly when she's waiting for the answer to something.” He stopped there. What he wasn’t saying was that he knew everything about her. He knew her perfume. The planes and angles of the smooth column of her throat. After all, it was the largest piece of skin, besides her legs that she ever shown at work, and really the only thing he'd been to ogle with any regularity. The way she chewed her lip slightly when she was nervous. The way her smile would dance when she grinned widely. The soft touch of her hand on his skin. He even knew her in the dark. There had been many a night during his recovery from Rosslyn where she had soothed him back to sleep after a nightmare and that just wasn't something you forgot.

As Donna watched him, part of her was weeping with relief. If Josh knew the truth, then that was all that mattered.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 13 - MATURE

"Well, Sydney," Shannon said. "It looks like we've come up with a pretty good disguise for you. What do you think?"

"You did a great job," Donna typed.

"Wait. What did you call her?" Josh asked.

"Sydney. It's her new name. Sydney Collins."

"Sydney Collins?" he said.

"I picked it out for my alter ego. I thought 'Barbara Gordon' was too cliché. Do you like it?" Donna typed.

He leaned in a bit and bumped the shoulder of her uninjured arm. "I like Donnatella Moss better." He paused. "But Sydney Collins will do for now." Donna's eyes smiled back at him.

"Sydney, Patricia and I have to get going." Shannon told her. "But before we go, we'll need everything back but the outfit, the glasses and your contacts. Those you can keep. We took all your measurements so we'll send you the customized versions of everything else in the next couple of days.

"Okay, well I guess I'll go in the bathroom and change," Donna typed out.

She moved to the dresser to grab a clean set of her own clothes. Josh followed her over. "You okay?" he asked quietly. Even under all the make-up and the disguise, he thought she looked tired and there was a touch of sadness in her eyes. Donna nodded in response to his question. "Do you want me to clear everyone out of here?" 

Donna pulled out her phone. "Would you mind?" she typed, grateful relief clearly in her eyes.

"Not at all," he replied with a gentle smile.

"Let me just get all this stuff off so Shannon and Patricia can leave. Then I'd like to take a shower, but could you and Sam stay?"

"Sure," he told her softly. "It's almost dinner time, are you hungry? Do you want me to have something sent up to eat?"

"I'd love some more of that broccoli soup and maybe some crackers," she typed in reply. "I didn't have much time for lunch. Just a half a bagel left over from breakfast so I could take my pills. Get whatever you want for you and Sam."

"Okay," Josh said with a nod. "I'll take care of it. Do you need some help waterproofing your bandage?"

"No, I've got all the stuff in the bathroom. I can do it myself. But I'll need help getting my sling back on."

"Kay. I'll help you with it when you're ready," he replied, as he watched her walk into the bathroom. He noticed then that she was holding her injured arm fairly close to her body and he imagined it was bothering her some. He made a mental note to get some Advil out for her to take with her dinner medication.

On Donna's way to the bathroom, Patricia handed her a black canvas bag. "Just put everything in here, Sydney," she told her. Since they were demos and samples, Donna knew they would all have to be cleaned and washed before going back into their cases. With a nod, Donna took it and continued on into the bathroom. 

Closing the door behind her, she let out a breath. Well, it hadn't been so bad facing all those people when she'd done it as 'Sydney' but she was still glad they would be gone shortly. And the way Josh had looked at her when he'd recognized her and gently pulled off her glasses had made it all worth while. Removing her new clothes, she peeled off the padded body suit. She immediately felt lighter and less like she was being slowly suffocated. But she also felt a slight chill. The body suit had made her sweat a bit and the air was a little cool in the bathroom against her bare skin. She was really looking forward to a long, hot shower. Her long terrycloth robe was hanging on the back of the bathroom door and sliding into it, she tied it securely. The action made her elbow twinge for what felt like the hundredth time that day. Pulling out the dental plate she slid it into a small plastic pouch and dropped it into the bag and placed the wig and the hair net on top of it. Then she took out the small case and solution they'd given her and she carefully removed her contact lenses.

Blinking she looked into the mirror. Now she just looked like Donna with a LOT of make-up on. But she had to admit she kind of liked her hair in its new, shorter style. It was different and she supposed would be a little quicker to fix in the morning. Picking up the bag she walked to the bathroom door and opened it. Abbey and Zoey were gone but CJ, Mike, Patricia, Shannon, Sam and Josh were still there chatting. No longer able to hide behind 'Sydney,' her panic at seeing so many people returned. Her heartbeat and her breathing began to pick up speed. Stopping at the bathroom threshold, she couldn't even step into the room. She held the bag out and Patricia came over to retrieve it.

"Thank you," Donna mouthed to her. Her panic was gaining a real foothold now and she had to force herself not to jump farther back into the bathroom and slam the door.

Patricia smiled back. "You're welcome. Shannon and I left our cards over on the dresser for you. Call us if you have any questions. Oh, and here," she said, holding out a small packet. Donna took it and looked at her curiously. "They're a pack of make-up cleansing cloths. I figured you might want to use them to take your make-up off." 

'Hold it, together, Donna,' she told herself. 'Just nod and pretend you're fine.' So she nodded and mouthed her thanks again. As she stepped back to close the bathroom door, her eyes flashed to Josh. The frown that she saw on his face told her that it was unlikely he'd missed her mounting panic attack. Closing the door with a little more force than she'd intended she leaned up against it and tried to calm down.

A gentle knock sounded behind her. "Donna? Donna, it's Josh. Can I come in for just a second?" he asked calmly through the door.

Pressing her hand to her heart, she shoved down the remainder of her panic. Turning, she stayed behind the door as she opened it for him.

When he'd seen the 'hunted deer' look in Donna's eyes as she'd closed the door, Josh had excused himself from Sam and CJ and been across the room in a couple of steps. He was a little surprised when she opened the door for him so quickly but he didn't question it as he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. She was leaning against the wall and although she looked carefully neutral and in control, he could tell her breathing was just a little fast. Under all that make-up he would be willing to bet she was just a bit too pale. "You okay?" She nodded. "'Cause it's all right if you got a little...you know. There were a lot of people out there," he said.

She padded over to where she'd left her pants and pulled her phone out of the pocket. "I'm okay. I was just a little...overwhelmed. It's been kind of a big day."

"I bet," he said, leaning up against the opposite wall. "I'm sorry you have to, you know...go through all the disguises and stuff," he told her. "It must be a big hassle."

"It's okay. It's just going to take some getting used to," she typed, trying to reassure him. She'd calmed down by then and was feeling better.

He slid his hands in his pockets. "Yeah, I guess. But I'm still sorry about it."

"Thanks." Smiling lopsidedly, she typed the next part. "At least you'll know who I am." She expected him to smile and make some cute remark but he just looked at her a moment, an unreadable expression on his face.

"You'll never have to worry about that, Donnatella. I'll always know who you are."

A trickle of emotion, warm and comforting, managed to flow into the numb part of her soul.

“You cut your hair,” he said, giving it a once over. 

“Do you like it?” she asked him, her fingers playing over the ends where they brushed against her neck.

“Yeah. It’s cute. But I’m glad you went with the wig and didn’t color it. I was hoping you wouldn’t,” he told her. ‘It would have been a crime to color something already so beautiful,’ he added silently.

“Well, I thought about it. In some ways it would have been easier and definitely cooler than a wig but, in the end, I just couldn’t do it,” she typed to him, quietly pleased that he liked her choice. She rubbed her arm absently.

“Is your arm bothering you?” he asked.

“Yes, now I see why I’m supposed to be keeping it in the sling.”

“Dr. Holden will be so glad the years she spent in medical school weren’t in vain,” he teased her gently.

Donna rolled her eyes. “You pick NOW to snark me?” she typed. But there was a smile in her eyes now to replace the earlier panic.

He grinned back at her. “Well, you kind of walked right into that one.” Then he sobered a bit. “We’ll get it back on you as soon as your shower’s done. I’ve already put out a couple of Advil to take with your dinner medication,” he told her. “Speaking of which, I better get out of here or you’ll never get finished. I asked Abbey about getting you some dinner. She’s going to have it sent up. She said since Sam was visiting and I’ve been behaving myself she’d have the stewards throw on some bread and water for us.” Happy now that he could tell she was over her panic attack, he smiled at her and moved to the door. The touch of Donna’s hand on his shoulder stopped him. He turned back to her.

“Thank you,” she mouthed to him.

“You’re welcome. Now hop in the shower so we can get that sling back on your arm,” he replied. Pulling the door open, he slipped back out into the bedroom and closed the door. Shannon and Patricia were gone but Mike was waiting for him.

“Everything all right?” Mike asked him.

“Yeah. Everything’s fine. Why?” Josh replied as he heard the shower come on. “I just needed to talk to her about a thing.” At least he wasn’t lying. He just wasn’t saying ‘what’ thing.

“Oh,” he said, in a tone that clearly said he knew Josh was hedging, if not completely lying. But he let it go. “Well, I just wanted to wait and make sure there was no problem about tomorrow’s interview.”

“Nope,” Josh told him. “I’ll meet you in the lobby about 9:45 and we can come up here.”

“Okay, sounds good. I’ll see you then,” Mike said. “It was good to see you both again,” he said to CJ and Sam.

“You too, Agent Casper,” they both replied, as Mike walked out of the room.

“What’s this about an interview?” Sam asked him.

Josh let out a sigh. “Since Donna’s a federal employee but the crime happened in DC, the investigation is a joint one between the DC police and the FBI. They need to take down Donna’s statement about her attack. And Mike got the DC police to let him do it because we thought she would be more comfortable talking to someone she knows,” Josh explained.

“Does she need counsel?”

“No, Sam, it’s not like that, she’s just going to tell Mike that she can’t remember anything because she doesn’t.” He paused, “Besides, I’m a lawyer too, remember?” Sam and CJ looked at each other and then back at Josh. Both had quizzical expressions and half smirks on their faces.

“What?! I am!” When they only continued to stare at him, he ran a hand over his face. “I’ll ask her if she wants you there, Sam. Right now it’s just going to be me, her and Mike. After she gets done it’s my turn.”

“Because the killer called you?” Sam asked.

“Yeah. They want to know everything he said before Ron Butterfield started recording the call.”

“So now that Mike’s gone, how is she really doing?” CJ asked him.

He looked back toward the door and the sound of the still running shower. “She’s okay. Ever since the thing, she gets a little panicked around large groups of people in one room. I think part of it is because she’s injured and doesn’t want to appear weak.”

“I didn’t know,” CJ said. The three of them stood there for a minute, each thinking about their injured friend. “She seemed okay, earlier. When she was in her disguise.”

Josh shrugged. “Maybe it just built up and came to a head about the time she went into the bathroom, I don’t know. Oh, Sam, when you see her, be sure you move slowly around her. She gets startled really easily and she’s got a thing about being touched. So ask her if it’s okay before you try and hug her or anything.”

“Sure,” Sam replied.

“I didn’t have a chance to talk to her about the apartment,” CJ told him.

“That’s okay, I can tell her during dinner.”

“Good. Well, I’ve gotta go. I need to talk to Leo about a couple of things. Here’s the folder with all the apartment stuff in it,” she said, handing it to him.

“Thanks for all your help today, CJ.”

“No, problem, mi amore.” She turned to Sam. “Sparky, it’s damn good to see you. I can’t wait to see the look on Toby’s face when he finds out you’re here.”

Sam grinned, “I’ll be down after dinner to see him.”

“All right. See you later,” she called as she headed downstairs.

When Donna finally emerged from the bathroom, Josh and Sam were sitting on the couch talking about California and Sam moving back to DC. It had taken her a while, and a couple of breaks to stop and rest, but she’d managed to dry herself off and get dressed on her own. Now wearing lightweight cotton drawstring pants and a sleeveless turtleneck she felt much more comfortable, in more ways than one. Now that she’d stripped away the last of the disguise, she felt clean again and more like herself. And with only Josh and Sam in the room she wasn’t feeling the sense of panic she’d had before.

Sam and Josh stood as she entered the room. Automatically, Josh walked over the bed and picked up her sling. Sliding one strap over her head, he gently settled her arm inside it and fastened the other strap. “Better?” he asked her. She nodded. “Good. Dinner just got here,” he said. Referring to the large loaded serving cart that was sitting near the table. “Why don’t you and Sam have a seat? I’ll get your medication.” Donna nodded and moved toward the table.

Sam felt an almost physical punch at seeing Donna’s appearance and he hoped he was hiding it well. When she’d been wearing her disguise she’d covered the bruises with make-up but now she was fresh faced and the bruises stood out vividly against her skin. Josh hadn’t been overstating the number of bruises on her face and down toward her neck. Although the neck of her shirt hid them fairly well, it wasn’t hard to imagine what the marks there looked like as well.

Recovering smoothly, Sam moved to pull out Donna’s chair, “Mademoiselle, your table is ready.” Donna smiled slightly and sat down in her chair and let Sam help her push it in. He pulled the soup off the cart and put a steaming bowl in front of each of their places. As Josh turned to walk over to the table, medicine cup and glass of water in hand, Sam took a seat on Donna’s left. As he turned to reach for his napkin, he felt Donna’s hand on his arm. He looked up at her and saw she was holding out her phone to him. For a second he wondered why, since he didn’t need to make a call or anything but then he remembered that Josh said she was using her phone to communicate because she couldn’t talk. He looked at the display.

“I’m so glad to see you, Sam. We’ve missed you. I’m sorry I didn’t greet you earlier but I want to tip Josh off that it was me,” she’d explained.

Sam smiled at her thoughtfulness. “No problem. I would have felt terrible if I’d blown your cover.” She started to pull her hand away, “Donna?” She turned back expectantly. “Can I?” he said, indicating her hand which was still lying on the table. She nodded and he clasped it gently in his. “I’m glad to see you too and if there’s anything, anything at all I can do for you, just say the word.” He gave her hand a final squeeze and released it as Josh walked up beside her.

“Here you go, Donna,” Josh said, depositing the items he’d brought on the table for her.

She nodded her thanks to Josh, who plopped down in the chair to her right. She turned back to Sam and held out her phone. “Thanks, Sam. That means a lot.”

“Hey Donna,” Josh said, taking the first spoonful of his soup. “Did Sam tell you that he’s thinking of moving his law practice from California to D.C.?

“No, he didn’t. Really, Sam?” she typed. Picking up the glass of water she started to take her medication.

He grinned, “Yeah, I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I was talking to Josh and thought it was a good idea too.”

“That’s so great. I’ll have to remember to lock up all the matches and kerosene,” she typed.

“You know, I swear, Josh, we are NEVER going to live that down,” Sam said.

Josh grinned, “You’re telling me. Their memories have gotten better since you’ve been away. When you were here they were able to make you their teasing punching bag. But now that you’re gone they’ve doubled up their efforts to torment me,” he complained.

“Poor baby,” Donna typed as she swallowed the last pill.

“Oh, put the phone down and eat before I tell Mrs. Bartlet and she confiscates it,” he teased her back.

She smiled back at him and started eating her soup. The three of them ate in a companionable silence. As with the night before everything was delicious. After more the same cream of broccoli soup, they had grilled salmon and asparagus with a creamy dill sauce and rice pilaf. Once that was gone, Sam, since he was nearest to the cart, got up to see what was for dessert.

“So, Sam, where are you staying while you’re here?” Donna typed.

“Josh said I could crash in his guest room while I’m here,” Sam told her.

“That was very nice, Joshua.”

“Well, contrary to what CJ says most people think I’m a nice guy,” he mumbled. “That reminds me Sam, help me remember to give you the keys to my apartment so you can get in tonight.”

“Why does he need your keys?”

“What with the whole, I’m not going to be there when he tries to get in. I figured he’d appreciate being able to go in the front door, rather than having to use the fire escape,” he explained.

“Why aren’t you going to be there?” she typed.

Josh looked at her a minute, “I thought maybe you’d like me to stay close by tonight.”

She knew he was referring to last night. “I’ll be okay. Mrs. Bartlet said she’d come in to check on me before she turns in. I don’t think I’ll have any of the....difficulties I did last night.” She wasn’t sure how much Josh had told Sam about last night.

“I didn’t think you would,” he told her softly. “I just thought....I guess....I wanted to make sure everything was all right.” He wanted to stay close to her. Even if it meant he slept on the couch. Her other challenges aside, he knew from experience that the nightmares would be coming eventually.

Sam was watching their interchange with a great deal of interest. He couldn’t see what Donna was typing on the phone but he could gather what they were talking about from Josh’s words.

Donna saw that Josh was trying to do the right thing and took his hand in hers, “Thank you, Josh. I appreciate that more than you know. But I’ll be okay. Sam just got here and you’ve been working like a dog to look after me for the last 3 days. This is my way to say thanks. You officially have the night off.” He did deserve a little time for himself. He’d been amazing all through this ordeal. 

Problem was he didn’t want the night off. “But...” he tried.

“Now, no but’s. Get Sam settled in the guest room and then maybe you guys should go out for a beer or something. Just like old times. Maybe CJ and Toby would like to go too.”

“I don’t think it would be the same without you there,” he told her gently.

“There will be other times for me. Tonight can be for you guys,” she typed.

Well, he was out of arguments again. Donna was his match when it came to arguing. “You’re sure you don’t need me to stay?”

“I’m positive. Josh, I’m staying in the White House with the First Lady acting as my nurse. There’s no safer place else in the world,” she typed.

Josh thought about that for a minute. There were some things that you were never safe from. You could be locked in the deepest vault in Fort Knox, but when the intruder came from inside your own head, you were never able to hide. Josh looked at Sam, “It would be fun to go out with CJ and Toby.”

Sam nodded back, “Yeah, it would at that.”

“Oh Donna,” Josh began, decided it was better to change the subject. “I think CJ and I found an apartment you’ll like. It’s even in Georgetown, just a couple of blocks from me.”

She frowned and started typing, “Josh, I can’t afford to live in Georgetown.”

“Well, this apartment is being offered as a sublease that’s comparable to your part of the rent in your old apartment.” ‘It wasn’t exactly lying.’ he told himself. It was a sublease, okay a sublease from J&S Enterprises, Inc., but it was still a sublease. And her part WOULD be comparable to what the part she’d been paying at her old place. Josh leaned out of the way as Sam started to clear away their plates so there would be room for their dessert, which was vanilla ice cream with the choice of chocolate or caramel sauce. 

“Okay? So what’s wrong with it?” she asked Josh.

“Nothing’s wrong with it. If you don’t believe me, ask CJ. I’ve got pictures and stuff over in the folder on the coffee table, so after dinner you can see for yourself.” She still looked a little skeptical. “It’s a small one bedroom, one bath on the second floor that was renovated about a year ago. The building has underground parking and full security. There’s an elevator. Oh, and....” he grinned. “Hardwood floors.”

The more he talked about it, the more excited she became. An apartment in Georgetown. By Josh. That would mean it would be close enough for her to walk to work. She was so excited she didn’t see Sam start to reach in front of her to set the ice cream down.

Startled by the sudden movement, Donna nearly jumped out of her chair. The hand that had been holding her water glass, jerked, sending the glass tumbling over. Water began to spread quickly across the small table.

“Oh, God, Donna. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you,” Sam said. He felt terrible.

Mortified beyond belief, Donna tried to sop up the water frantically. The blood roared through her head. She hated making a mess.

“Donna?” Josh’s voice cut through the roaring in her head. “Donna, it’s okay,” he laid his hand over hers gently. “It’s just water. You even kept it out of the ice cream.” He paused. “I won’t hurt anything. Whatever soaked through the cloth we can wipe off after we get finished.”

Donna looked at him a minute and felt herself calm down a bit.

“It’s all my fault Donna, I really am sorry,” Sam said. Now he could see that the bruises weren’t the only thing that Josh hadn’t exaggerated.

Typing something she held it up for him to see, the blue of her eyes vividly showing her distress. “No, it wasn’t your fault, Sam. I’m sorry for being such a big baby.”

“Hey, now. None of that. You’re not being a baby,” Josh told her. “You just got startled. Could happen to anyone,” he said, trying to reassure her. “Now, do you want caramel or chocolate on your ice cream?” 

She smiled softly at him, not caring if it hurt. She knew that he realized that she wanted things to be as normal as possible and he was trying make sure that happened. It occurred to her then, as if in a flash, that although she had made a number of amazing friends with hearts of pure platinum since she’d come to D.C., including Sam, CJ, and Toby, she’d never, in her whole life, had a better friend than Josh. He was her best friend and she didn’t know how she would have gotten through this nightmare without him. “Chocolate.”

**********

Jed walked down the hall in the Residence, a cherry wood box under one arm. He’d been avoiding their guest ever since Abbey had told him that she was skittish around large groups of people. But his work in the Oval had finished unexpectedly early and he was hoping to do his part to make her feel welcome. He knew there would be no crowd in her room. He’d met Sam and Josh coming downstairs after having dinner with her. It had been good to see Sam and he was thrilled to hear that the ‘prodigal son’ would be returning to the Beltway.

He got to her room and found her door open, but he knocked anyway to announce his presence. “Donna?” he said before slowly stepping inside. He heard rustling and saw Donna start to scramble off the couch in attempt to stand up out of respect for him. “Oh, no Donna. Please don’t get up.” She settled back onto the couch. He saw her pull something, a phone it appeared out of her pocket and typed something.

“Good evening, Mr. President.”

Sliding on his reading glasses he read it, “Oh, thank you, Donna. You know I realized today that you’ve been here two days and I’ve hardly said hello. That’s very inhospitable of me,” he told her. As a father he ached to see the marks on her face. It took all the self-control he had not to gather her up in a bear hug.

“Not at all, sir. I’m sure you’ve been busy, you know, running the country and all,” she typed with a small lopsided smile.

He was touched that after all she’d been through she could find the energy and the good humor to joke with him a little. “Yeah, I do have kind of a demanding job, don’t I?”

“I think that’s safe to say.” She paused then typed something else. “But I’ve often thought that no one has ever done it better.”

He was touched by her typed words. “Well, I’m sure there are people who would debate you on that...but..I’m not going to be one of them.” He smiled. “I was wondering...I seem to find myself between national crises at the moment and Abbey hates it when I get bored and start to pester her so I wanted to know if you would like to play chess with me?” He held out the lovely box. “I even brought my own set. It belonged to my grandfather and we used to spend many hours playing.”

“No, thank you, sir.”

He was a little taken aback by that, “You know Donna, this is America and I’m all for freedom of choice and everything, but usually when the President asks someone to play chess, they don’t refuse.” Since he assumed she was just feeling nervous about playing the leader of the free world, it was said with no malice, just a teasing glint in his eye. “You do know how to play chess, don’t you?”

“Yes, sir. My Grandfather taught me how to play.”

“Then why don’t you want to play with me?”

“Because I suck and you’ll kick my ass,” she typed.

It sounded just like something Zoey would have said, which made him burst into an all out laugh. “Okay, fair enough. Although I’m sure it wouldn’t have been quite the shutout that you seem to think it would, I understand.” He paused. “Would you like to play something else instead? Cards maybe? I’ve been told I’m quite the card player, too.”

It was on the tip of her tongue to put him off but then she realized it might be kind of fun and she really was very fond of him. He’d always been kind and respectful to her and he hadn’t fired Josh after the thing with Mary Marsh or the “Secret Plan to Fight Inflation” or when Josh was diagnosed with PTSD or the Carrick thing or any number of other times he could have, so in her book that earned him a lot of points all by itself. Besides, who else would be able to say they played cards with the President in the Residence of the White House?

“I’d like that, sir.”

“Great, I’ll go and get us some cards. What would you like to play?” he asked. “Do we need a pinochle deck or anything.”

Donna thought a moment, “How about gin?”

“Perfect!” he said, rubbing his hands together with a grin. “I have to warn you though, Abbey won’t play gin with me anymore because she says I’m too good.”

“Well, I guess we’ll just see about that, won’t we, sir?” she typed back with a lopsided smile. What she didn’t say was that there were a number of people who wouldn’t play with her either because she always won.

“Okay, wait right there and I’ll be right back with some cards.” Turning, he left her room. 

Donna went over to the table. Although the guys had taken the soggy table cloth and all the dishes and the cart with them when they left, she wanted to make sure the table was free of any crumbs or residue from dinner. The President returned a few minutes later a fresh pack of cards and a pad and pencil in his hand. 

“Shall we say, penny a point?” he asked her. Donna nodded.

“Good,” he said as he started to deal out the cards. Donna was able to hold her cards in her injured hand but she manipulated them with her good hand. He looked at her mischievously. “So Donna, you love trivia, right?” She nodded. ‘Great,’ he thought. ‘A new victim for my trivia knowledge.’

“Well, then,” he began as she took her turn and they began to play. “Do you know how many of the fifty U.S. states end in the letter A?”

“You’re trying to distract me, aren’t you?” she typed.

“Me? Of course not,” he said innocently, as he took his turn. “I’m wounded that you would think such a thing. You also didn’t answer my question,” he said, his eyes dancing mischievously again.

Donna looked at him for a minute, then laying her cards down she got up and went over to the coffee table. In the middle of the table rested the large crystal bowl of M&Ms that Mrs. Bartlet had provided for just such an emergency. Between the bowl and what Donna guessed were about 4 pounds of M&Ms, it was heavy but she still managed to pick it up with one hand and bring it back to the table without dropping it. 

Jed looked from the Donna to the bowl and then back to Donna. “Have you been talking to my wife?”

Donna merely settled back in her chair and picked up her phone. It took her a moment to type out what she wanted to say.

21 U.S. states end in A;  
5 U.S. states end in S;  
4 U.S. states end in N;  
4 U.S. states end in O;  
4 U.S. states end in E;  
3 U.S. states end in I;  
2 U.S. states end in D;  
2 U.S. states end in T;  
2 U.S. states end in Y;  
1 U.S. state ends in K;  
1 U.S. state ends in G; and  
1 U.S. state ends in H

Donna laid the phone on the table so he could read it and played her last card. Jed knew he’d been had when he got to the last line.

“Oh and one other thing, Mr. President...gin.”

Jed looked up in time to see Donna fill her now empty hand with a scoop of M&Ms and pop them into her mouth. It was going to be a long night.

**********

Abbey glanced at her watch as she walked down the hall to Donna’s room. It was getting late; she hoped Donna hadn’t already gone to bed. Liz had called to catch up and Abbey had lost track of the time. She also wondered where Jed was this evening. She was under the impression that he’d gotten done early for the day but she’d yet to see him. ‘Oh, well,’ she thought. As soon as she finished with Donna she would go and find her wayward husband.

As she got closer to Donna’s room she realized she didn’t need to look far for him. His voice was coming from Donna’s room. Abbey stood just outside the open door and listened.

“OH NO! Not again! I swear Donna if I hadn’t brought the deck of cards in here myself I would think you’d marked them.” 

Abbey heard something clatter but couldn’t identify it. It sounded almost like ball bearings or marbles being dropped on a wooden table. 

“Okay, okay. That was uncalled for. What’s my total now? WHAT!? That can’t be right. That’s larger than the national debt!”

More clattering.

“Fine. But you have to be the one to tell Abbey that we have to sell the farm to pay for all the money I lost playing gin with you....you gin shark.”

Even more clattering.

Abbey smirked. She could tell from his voice that he was just teasing. He sounded the exact same way when he and the girls used to play Monopoly or Clue. Her curiosity got the better of her and she stepped quietly into the room and walked toward the table. She had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. There were M&M’s all over the floor around their feet and the bowl was all but empty. “Jed, have you been tormenting Donna with your stories and your trivia?”

Jed looked up at her, and innocent and shocked look on his face. “Of course not, we’ve been playing a friendly game of gin.”

“You’re lying, Jed. And would you like to know how I know that?” she bent over and scooped up a couple of M&Ms by his feet and bounced them obviously in her hand.

“Those don’t mean anything,” he insisted. “The bowl tipped over and some spilled on the floor.”

Abbey’s smirk was enormous as she looked at him. She could see three M&Ms, a red, a blue and a green lying in his hair. “So after they spilled, did you get on the floor and roll around in them?” she asked picking them out of his hair.

Jed’s eyes narrowed, “You told her to throw M&Ms at me, didn’t you? Admit it. You told her to use the M&M defense.”

“No, actually I told her to throw whatever was handy at you but she was afraid if she threw anything bigger or heavier at you the Secret Service would have her thrown out on her ear so the M&Ms were my solution,” Abbey grinned and looked at Donna. “You’ve been quiet through all this, don’t you want to say anything in your own defense?” Donna merely shrugged and looked at Abbey who glanced around the table. “Donna? Where’s your phone?” She shrugged again. “JED! Did you steal Donna’s phone?”

“Steal is such an ugly word, Abbey. I just confiscated it.”

“JED, you jackass! Why on earth would you do such a thing?” she demanded. No longer joking she was well on her way to being mad at him. “That’s the only way she has to communicate right now.” Jed mumbled something. “What was that? What did you say?”

“I said, she answered all my trivia questions and then started asking me some that I couldn’t answer. Then when the M&M throwing started I told her she could have the M&Ms or her phone because it gave her an unfair advantage for her to have both. I was sure she’d pick the phone but of course she picked the M&Ms.”

Abbey burst out laughing, “Good for you, Donna.” She turned to Jed. “Okay, jackass,” she said, trying to contain her laughter enough to talk to him. “Give her the phone back right now.”

“I was going to,” he said, taking it out of his pocket and handing it back to Donna. “But I want a rematch. Tomorrow night if possible. Double or nothing. And NO M&Ms next time.”

Donna smiled lopsidedly as she typed, “Must have the M&Ms or you’ll keep trying to distract me.”

“Well, Jed?” Abbey said.

“Okay. But this time I want my own bowl so I have something to throw at you.”

“Deal,” Donna typed in reply.

“Good. Now that is settled, I came to change Donna’s bandage so that’s your cue to scram, jackass,” she told Jed. 

“Okay, I’m going,” he looked at Donna for a second. He saw the small smile that played at her eyes and was glad to know he was the one who had put it there. He held out his hand. “Thank you, Miss Moss for a stimulating evening of cards. I look forward to our rematch tomorrow night.”

Without hesitation, Donna took his hand and shook it. Then she typed him a final message. “Thank you very much, Mr. President, I enjoyed it very much.”

“Yeah, I bet you enjoyed it,” he grumbled as he walked to the door. “We’ve got the ‘Minnesota Fats’ of the gin world staying on our guest room, but whatever. Guess I’ll have to tell Zoey she has to drop out of graduate school to pay my tab, but okay.” He stopped at the door and turned back, “Sleep well, Donna,” he said in a gentle tone. Then he walked out into the hall. “CAUSE YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT FOR TOMORROW NIGHT’S REMATCH!”

**********

Later, after Abbey had changed her bandage without incident and Donna had taken her medication and slid into the wide soft bed and fallen asleep missing Josh’s comforting presence, the first nightmare came.

Quiet and dark, it slid into her mind. As she lay in bed, a slight frown passed over her features as her arms and legs twitched restlessly. A cool, beading sweat began to emerge on her skin as the terror reached its climax. Then suddenly, with a start, she sat up in bed. Her breathing was rapid, her heart, pounding. The air conditioning in the room made the sweat on her skin feel even colder.

As she sat in the low light from the lamp she'd left burning when she'd gone to sleep, Donna tried to remember what it had been about but the memory was indistinct and the more she tried to touch it, the further it slid away. Checking the clock, she saw it was about 2 a.m.

Lying back down, she tried to calm her body and go back to sleep. After 10 minutes she was feeling suffocated under the covers of the bed and she slid out of it. Grabbing the comforter she walked to the couch and raised the window a couple of inches. A tepid, but comforting breeze slid in and touched her face. She laid back on the couch and wondered what Josh was doing and hoped that Sam, CJ and Toby hadn’t let him screw up his sensitive system too much. Within 5 minutes, she was fast asleep.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 14 - MATURE

Josh carried breakfast as he walked down the hall to Donna's room. Knocking softly on the closed door, he waited for a response. Receiving none, he slowly opened it and quietly called out to her. He saw the bed was unmade but empty and the bathroom door was open and empty as well. Then her blonde head caught his attention and he saw she was bundled up in the comforter from the bed and sound asleep on the couch. He was surprised she wasn't up yet. It was almost 8:30 a.m. Aside from the fact that Mike would be there in a little over an hour, he'd always known Donna to be a fairly early riser. 

Walking over to the dining table, he frowned in curiosity at all the M&Ms scattered on the floor. Setting his breakfast offerings on the table he walked back over to her and carefully sat down opposite her on the sturdy coffee table. Putting his coffee down behind him on the table, he watched her for a moment. The even rise and fall of her breathing. The way the morning light touched her hair and made it sparkle. The bruises and marks on her face and neck that were no longer uniformly grape purple or red. They now were not only lighter in color but were changing into colors like yellow and green. A sure sign they were healing. A little strand of hair had fallen across her uninjured cheek and he longed to brush it away but he didn't want to startle her so he kept his hands resting on his knees, allowing himself the luxury of watching her for just a moment longer. Then he tried to wake her as gently as possible.

“Donna? Donna, it’s time to wake-up.”

Josh’s voice pulled her gently back from the oblivion of sleep and Donna’s eyes fluttered open. She had a slight headache and she felt a little groggy. It took her a second to shake off sleep enough focus on him. Strong morning light washed over him as it came in the window. He was sitting next to her on coffee table, a small smile on his face. “Josh?” she said before she remembered she wasn’t supposed to be speaking. It came out in a whisper.

“Shhh, no talking remember,” he said softly. “Good morning, sleepy head.” Since he didn’t know where hers was, he pulled his phone out and handed it to her. “How are you doing?”

Her fingers were slow moving as she typed, “Head hurts a little. Tired.”

Josh frowned a little at hearing about her headache. He slowly put his hand to her forehead to feel for a fever but she didn’t feel warm. He’d be sure to see if Abbey could take a look at her before the interview with Mike. “Well, I’m not surprised. It looks like you had quite an evening,” he told her with a smile, referring to the fact that there were M&Ms. “So what, I let you out of my sight for one night and you have a wild party?” he teased her.

Donna followed his gaze and realized she’d forgotten to clean up last night. She’d been so sleepy after Abbey had changed her bandage, all she was able to do was take her medication before going to sleep. She made a mental note to clean them up as soon as she managed to get up off the couch. It wouldn’t do to have the place messy when Mike Casper showed up. “No, I just beat the President at gin,” she typed. Handing the phone back to him she snuggled into the cushions a bit more and closed her eyes as if to go back to sleep. A little smirk appeared at the left side of her mouth.

Josh sat up in surprise. “You did what?” he asked, sure she had mistyped her answer. Her eyes stayed closed for a moment and he wondered if she’d fallen back asleep. Just as he was going to say something to wake her again, her eyes fluttered open and she reached out for the phone.

“I played gin with the President last night,” she typed.

“I thought he was going to ask you to play chess,” Josh said, remembering the conversation he and Sam had with the President the night before.

“Yeah, he did. I told him no.”

“You told him no? The President asked you to play chess with him and you said no? Even Toby doesn’t say no when the President asks him to play chess,” Josh said with a new found note of respect in his voice for her. “Why didn’t you want to play chess with him?”

“Because he would have kicked my ass.”

“Well, yeah. That goes without saying. There are two things you never want to go up against the President on. Chess and Latin.”

"I know," she typed in reply. “You seem pretty perky today. Did you and Sam go out last night?”

“Yes, we did. We even managed to corral CJ and Toby into coming along. We went to the Hawk and Dove.”

“Sounds like fun. You didn’t abuse your sensitive system too much did you?” she typed.

“No, you would have been very proud at my restraint,” he grinned.

“CJ threatened you?”

“No, of course....okay, maybe a little. But I was going to keep the drinking to a minimum anyway. I wanted to be fresh for this morning,” he told her. In truth he’d only had one beer. And it had been for more that reason than because CJ had teasingly threatened him.

She moved to the next logical question. "What time is it?" It didn't occur to her sleepy brain that she could have looked at the phone display.

"About 8:30. I've got to go meet Mike in the lobby in a little over an hour." He smiled at her, "But I brought you some breakfast." He was rewarded when her eyes sparkled with curiosity.

"What did you bring me?" she typed.

He smiled, his dimples putting in an early morning appearance, "This is where we come to the portion of our game where Miss Donnatella Moss has to get out of bed to receive her grand prize."

"Can't I have a hint before you make me get up off this comfy couch?" she typed.

"Yeah, my hint is you're going to like it so get up," he said with a grin. "By the way, why are you sleeping on the couch?"

She thought about telling him about her nightmare but there was so little to tell she decided against it. "I couldn't get to sleep in the bed so I tried the couch and apparently it worked," she told him, stretching her uninjured arm over her head.

He wondered if there were more to it than she was saying but he only grinned and shook his head slightly. "Just like Goldilocks, trying out every bed in the room until you find the one that's 'just right.'"

"Speaking of Goldilocks, where's my porridge? I want to eat and still have time to clean up and get ready before Mike gets here."

He reached behind him and pulled out his cup of steaming hot coffee. It made him simile to see her eyes go wide in interest. "Before you get any ideas, this is mine. Yours is over on the table."

She recognized the label on his insulated cup, 'Bistro Francais.' One of her favorite places for breakfast when she had a little extra money. Tossing back the comforter, she rolled off the couch and went in search of her breakfast.

Josh watched her walk sleepily over to the table. He was glad to see she seemed steady on her feet this morning. He knew talking to Mike was probably going to be hard for her.

Walking up to the table, Donna found a steaming vanilla latte and a plain white bakery bag. She hoped, beyond hope that he'd gotten what she thought he'd gotten. Passing up the coffee to see the contents of the bag, she picked it up. It was even still slightly warm. After glancing back at him curiously, she opened the top of the bag and looked inside. The warm fragrant scent hit her first, laced with hints of yeast, oil, and sugar. Beignets. He'd brought her a bag of beignets, her absolute favorite thing in the whole world for breakfast. Pronounced “ben-yay,” they were basically French doughnuts without a hole that were swimming in powered sugar and best eaten while still fresh and warm. She'd gotten hooked on them when they'd stopped in New Orleans during the first campaign after she'd escaped into the French Quarter one morning to find some decent coffee. There were only two places she knew of in D.C. to find them. One was ‘Lulu’s New Orleans Cafe’ on 22nd Street in Foggy Bottom and the other was 'Bistro Francais' on M Street in Georgetown.

Clutching the bag to her chest she turned to Josh. The look on her face said it all. It was the same look she’d given him after she’d hugged him for the book and it’s inscription he’d given her that Christmas so long ago. One of amazed gratitude and being deeply touched by his gesture.

“You better eat them while they’re still warm,” Josh said gently.

She smiled and laid the bag on the table. Sitting down at the table, she patted the chair next to her to indicate he should come and join her. Josh didn’t need to be told twice and he picked up his coffee and came over to sit beside her. Donna ripped open the top of the bag and peeled it back to reveal the four treasures inside. Just as she was going to reach for one, she suddenly put her hand up to tell him to wait and she scurried into the bathroom. Coming back a moment later she was carrying two large towels. Draping one around the front of Josh she settled herself back into the chair and draped the other around herself. 

“Are you trying to say that we need bibs?” Josh asked her with a smirk.

Donna gave him a lopsided smile and picking up a beignet, held it up for him to see. Powdered sugar drifted down onto the table. Then she took a bite. When she the pulled the delicacy away from her mouth, powdered sugar covered her mouth and a generous amount of it had rained down the front of the towel. A look of bliss on her face, she chewed the bite she’d taken and then pointed to the front of the towel.

“Okay, so we need bibs,” Josh replied, taking a bite from his own piece and coming away with almost an identical coating of sugar on his face and the towel. “Yeah, good call on the towels, Donna.”

Donna smirked again and took another bite. The two of them sat in silence eating the rest of the beignets and drinking coffee. It was a quiet, light moment in a day that would most likely be anything but. If Josh had thought to bring along the newspaper it would have seemed like any lazy morning breakfast. When the beignets were all eaten and the coffee had been drained, they wiped their faces and Donna gathered the towels and put them in the bathroom hamper. 

When she came back into the room, Josh had to smile. The end of her nose was still covered in powdered sugar. “Come here,” he told her. She walked over to him and waited as he pulled out his handkerchief. “You’re still a little sugary,” he said. It took every ounce of control he possessed not to lean forward and kiss the sugar off the end of her nose. Instead he settled for rubbing the cloth lightly over it. They looked at each other for a moment, something quiet and unnamed, yet with the strength of iron bands, passing between them.

Donna picked his phone up off the coffee table, “I guess I better clean things up and jump in the shower or I won’t be ready for Mike.” She handed him back the phone.

“Yeah, unless you want to give Mike your statement in your pajamas.” He’d planned to wait with her until it was time to meet Mike but he sensed she wanted a few minutes to herself. “Well, I’ve got to go and check on a thing before Mike gets here so I’m going to go," he lied. "I’ll be back with him and Sam in about 45 minutes.” Still watching her, he waited just a beat and then turned to leave. “Oh, don’t forget to take your medication, including something for your headache.”

Walking over to the nightstand, she picked up her own phone and sent him a text message. “I won’t forget...Mother.”

He knew she was teasing him. “Okay, fine. Don’t take anything and see how you feel,” he said with a smile “Well, I’ll see you in a bit,” he turned to head out into the hall but the sound of his phone receiving another text message stopped him. He pulled it out and looked at the display.

“Thank you for breakfast, Josh.” It read.

He looked up at her. “You’re welcome. I’m glad you liked it,” he told her.

“I loved it,” she sent to him in reply.

“Ahkay. Well, I gotta...you know,” he said. She nodded to him and with a slight grin at having his morning gift received so well received, Josh headed downstairs.

**********

When he returned with Sam and Mike a while later, the room was immaculate and Donna was sitting on the couch. Abbey had come by and given her a once over and made sure she'd taken her meds. Then she and Donna had quickly set the room to rights, including making the bed and cleaning up the M&Ms. Now Donna's only problems were the slight headache that had yet to go away and the swarming group of butterflies in her stomach. 

Even though she wouldn't have much to say, she really didn't want to do the interview. On some basic level it was like someone was holding up a sign in her head saying, "Don't go there." It wasn't that she felt uncomfortable around the three men. Just the opposite, she trusted each of them implicitly. She just didn't want to talk about what had happened. She wanted to forget it and get on with her life. But if there was a tiny piece of information she could give Mike that might help him stop the person that had done this to her from doing the same thing to someone else AND help keep her from being "Sydney" for any longer than necessary, it would be worth it.

"Hi Donna," Mike greeted her as he, Sam and Josh walked through the open bedroom door. She waved to them with as much cheerfulness as possible.

"How are you doing today, Donna?" Mike asked her.

"Good," she typed. "No offense, Mike, but I'm ready to have this done and over with."

Mike smiled, "No offense taken, perfectly understandable. But please try and relax, I'm going to try and make this as painless as possible. Why don’t we all sit over at the table?" She nodded and the four of them moved to sit around the table. Josh and Sam took up positions on her right and her left and Mike sat across from her. "Donna this is how I thought we'd do this. I'm going to record our conversation," he said, setting a small handheld recorder on the table. "Now, since you obviously can't talk, I'm going to ask you to type out your answers on your PDA and then give it to Sam and he will read them."

Donna frowned and waived her hand to stop him. "Why Sam and not Josh?" she typed. "No offense, Sam."

"None taken," Sam said.

"Donna," Josh began, laying his hand gently on her uninjured arm. "There are a couple of reasons why letting Sam do it is a good idea."

"Like what?"

"Sam's a neutral party," he exhaled. He'd hoped he wouldn't have to tell her this part, "And because after Mike is done talking to you, he's got a appointment with me in my office to take my statement. It would be better if I wasn't officially involved in him taking your statement."

She frowned again, "Your statement about what?"

He spoke quietly to her, not softly enough that Mike and Sam couldn't hear but quietly enough that he hoped it softened his words for her. "Remember when I told you that your attacker called me?" She nodded. "Well, Ron got the last part of the conversation on tape but not the first part. They want to question me about the part not on tape."

Frantically, she started to type. "You're not in trouble are you? Because of me?" Laying the phone down on the table in front of him, she placed her hand over his where it was still resting on her arm.

Beyond touched that she was concerned for him, he turned his hand under hers, until their palms were together. He wrapped her hand gently in his, "No, of course not. Mike just wants to talk to me like he wants to talk to you. Nothing more," he said, reassuringly.

"Donna," Sam said. "If it makes you feel any better, I was planning on being there with Josh."

Nodding to Sam and sliding her hand from his, she picked up the phone and started typing again, "I want to be there, too."

"No," he said, simply. There was no way he was going to let her hear him talk about the vile, twisted things that bastard had said to him. She started to type something again, but this time he laid his hand over hers to stop her. "No, Donna. Trust me when I say that it's not a good idea."

She looked at him for a moment and remembered their discussion about the phone call a couple of days ago. That was the discussion that had included the fact that her attacker thought she was dead. Then Josh had told her that her attacker had merely rambled on about things like a lunatic and that there hadn't been much more to the call than that. She also recalled thinking that Josh was lying but hadn't pursued it because she hadn't been sure she was ready to hear what he hadn't said. But now that it involved him and him having to be interviewed by the FBI, it made her ready.

Mike and Sam sat there silently as Josh and Donna continued to discuss it.

Donna typed out something and then she laid her hand back on his. "I want to be there with you. Just like you've been there for me."

Josh ran a hand through his hair. He wanted to say yes. Wanted to grant her request. But his desire to shield her was greater. He'd often found that being honest with her worked the best so he went with that. "Donna, there are some things I didn't tell you about what he said during the call. He told me what he did...to you. Most of it anyway. I have to tell Mike the details. It's not going to be pleasant."

Part of her ached for him and the knowledge he had. Terrible knowledge about what had happened to her that even she didn’t have. Another part of her wanted to run from hearing anything about it. After all, her lack of memory was a huge gift. Why should she look a gift horse in the mouth? Donna considered that and it seemed to make her headache go up a notch. Because it was for Josh. If it meant she could be there to support him, even in some tiny way, then she could and would do it. Just like he'd done for her. "We both know that life isn't always pleasant, Josh," she typed. "But I need to this. For both of us."

He looked at her, saw the strength and the determination in her eyes, and knew that she wasn't just saying the words. She meant each one. Her courage humbled him and made him love her that much more. "Okay," he said. Turning to Mike, he said, "We'll just do my interview up here as soon as we finish with hers."

Mike nodded. "Not a problem." He took a breath, glad now that they'd worked the issue out between themselves. "Now...as I was saying. You'll type your answers to my questions and Sam will read them. This afternoon I'll have everything transcribed into a hard copy and I'll have the transcript sent over to you. You'll review it and if you feel it's accurate, you'll sign it and a letter stating it is an accurate accounting of your statement. Understand?" Donna nodded. "Good. Okay, the sooner we start, the sooner we'll be done so let begin." He pressed the button on the recorder. "For the record, what is your full name?"

"Donnatella Katherine Moss." Sam read it aloud for the recorder.

"What can you tell me about the events of late Saturday, August the 7th and early Sunday, August the 8th?"

"I'm afraid not very much. Almost all my memory from that time is gone." Sam read.

"Okay, let's back up for a moment. What were you doing earlier in the evening?" Mike asked in a calm but official sounding tone.

"I was working at the White House until about 11 p.m. on Saturday the 7th." 

"And for the record, what is your position at the White House?"

"I'm the senior assistant to the Deputy Chief of Staff for Strategic Planning, Joshua Lyman," Sam read in his clear, crisp voice.

"And how long have you held that position?" he asked. Although the questions were routine and basic, he was trying to keep her at ease.

"Almost 6 years."

"Before you left the White House that night, did you speak to anyone?"

"Yes. Joshua Lyman."

"Anyone else?" Mike asked.

"No, it was late and I don't believe there was anyone else there at that time," she typed and Sam recited.

"Do you remember driving back to your apartment?"

“Vaguely,” her headache seemed to be getting slowly worse and she rubbed her temple a little.

The action was not lost on Josh. He thought about asking her if she was feeling all right but wanted to let her get through this.

“Was there anything remarkable about the drive? Was someone following you or were there any incidents you can remember?”

Donna thought about that for a moment. “No. I don’t remember anything like that. It was late and things were pretty quiet.”

“Do you remember making it to your apartment complex?”

“Yes. I remember parking and then reaching in the back for my purse. But it wasn’t there. Then I remembered I left it at work.”

“What do you remember after that point?” he asked her.

She frowned and rubbed the uninjured side of her forehead. The headache had started to throb a little with each beat of her heart. She stared off at a point over Mike’s shoulder, her eyes trying to see that night, see it as it had happened. “I remember thinking it was okay that my purse was at work because it would be safe there and I still had my keys and my cell phone. Then I...” her typing trailed off as she stared at the same spot and continued to rub her forehead.

“Donna?” Josh said, quietly. At his voice, her head snapped around to look at him. ‘Her eyes are a bit dazed,’ he thought. “Are you feeling all right?” She looked at him blankly, almost like he wasn’t really there. It was the same look she’d had in the hospital when she’d first woken up. He spoke quietly and gently to her. “Donna?” 

At that moment, Donna wasn’t seeing him, her mind was lost in the fragment of a memory. Like a specter it rose from her mind. Darkness. Cold. Pain. Even though she had no conscious memory of it, the three words fell from her lips in a rough whisper. Loud enough that the all three men had heard them. Sam repeated them to make sure the recorder picked them up.

“Donna.” Becoming concerned with the color that had apparently all but leached out of her face, Josh reached out to touch her arm. She jumped as if he’d stuck her with an electric cattle prod. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.”

She put her hand over her heart to steady herself. Taking the phone back from Sam she typed something. “What did you say?”

“I said I was sorry I startled you. Are you feeling all right?” Josh asked her.

“Yes, fine,” she lied and hoped her galloping heart didn’t give her away. “Why do you ask?”

“Because you’ve been rubbing your head and you kind of checked-out there for a minute.”

“My headache is still bothering me a little bit.”

“Donna...” Mike began. “You said, ‘darkness, cold, pain.’ Can you tell me what those words meant?”

Not wanting to get pulled under again in the rip current of the memory, she focused on Josh to center herself. She felt his hand cover her arm again and it provided another steadying link. “I think it was cold in my apartment, really cold,” she typed and Sam repeated.

“Anything else?” Mike asked. “Anything at all? Images, smells, shapes, impressions, feelings?”

Donna sat and thought for a moment longer. Then shook her head. “Nothing else until I woke up. But even that’s fuzzy. It was morning. Early. I remembering thinking I was hung over or had the flu. My head hurt and I was nauseous, everything hurt and it was hard to breathe.”

“Do you remember calling 911?” he asked.

She thought for a moment, “No. Did I?”

“Yes. The operator heard noise but she wasn’t able to make out any words. Luckily D.C.’s 911 can track incoming calls. The police found the phone off the hook and on the floor.”

“Oh. I don’t remember that. I remember waking up in the ambulance and I remember the emergency room,” she typed out so Sam could read her response.

Mike went over some notes he’d made. She hadn’t really given him any information, although the thing about the apartment being cold nagged at him a bit. He wasn’t sure why. She’d probably just felt cold from the shock from her injuries and the trauma of the experience. But he made a note to talk to the officers that were on scene and see if they remembered anything about her apartment being oddly cold when they arrived. He smiled at her. “Okay, Donna,” he said, switching off the recorder. “I think that about does it for your interview. If you remember anything, anything at all even if it’s just a feeling or scent or color, call me right away. Anything, no matter how insignificant you think it might be, could be important.” Donna nodded. 

“Okay, do we need break before we start on Josh’s statement?”

Josh looked at Donna and she shook her head. “Are you sure you don’t want to take something for your headache?”

“I will when you’re done,” she told him.

“You sure?” She nodded. “Okay, Mike, let’s get this over with.”

Mike nodded and switched on the recorder again. “For the record can you state your full name and your current job.”

“Joshua David Lyman and I have been the Deputy Chief of Staff for Strategic Planning for President Josiah Bartlet for approximately the last 6 years.”

“You are also Miss Moss’ direct supervisor, is that correct?” Mike asked, trying to keep things as objective and official as possible.

“That’s correct.”

“What can you tell me about the morning of Sunday, August the 8th?” Mike asked him.

“After leaving George Washington Hospital where Donnatella Moss was being treated I went to her apartment to pack some clothing and other items for her. As I was getting in my car to return to the hospital, my cell phone rang. The ring tone for the call and caller ID on the phone both read for Miss Moss but I knew she was in the hospital and couldn’t speak so I assumed it couldn’t have been her calling me. After speaking to the caller for a few moments I realized her alleged attacker had called me.”

“And how did you come to that conclusion?”

“What he said. He knew things about what had happened to Miss Moss during her assault. He also he indicated that he’d killed her and taken her cell phone and her White House identification. Since no one but the police, the hospital staff, myself and CJ Cregg, the White House Press Secretary knew of Miss Moss’ assault, I concluded it must be her assailant,” Josh explained.

“Why did he call you?” Mike asked.

“Well, he said he needed to tell someone what he’d done and didn’t feel it was something he could exactly call the newspapers about. He called me specifically because I was the first person entered in the speed dial listing on her cell phone. He seemed very fascinated with that. He observed that you could tell a lot about what was important to a person by looking at their speed dial listing. He wanted to know who I was to her to rank so high. He said he wanted me to understand why he’d killed her and he wanted to know if I had been her boyfriend. I told him it was something like that.” He glanced at Donna who silently laid her hand on his in understanding. 

Josh continued, “He also wanted to know if I worked at the White House with her and if that was where we met. I tried to throw him off by saying that she and I met at a party. That’s when he told me he’d stolen her White House identification.”

“How did you come to contact Secret Service Agent Ron Butterfield?” Mike asked him.

“It’s standard procedure that all attacks and threats to White House personnel be reported to the Secret Service so Agent Butterfield already knew about her assault. But since all White House issued cell phones are equipped with a tracking device, I thought maybe he’d be able to trace the call, so I drove to White House and contacted him. At which time he was able to record the latter half of the call,” Josh told him.

‘Now comes the hard part,’ Mike thought. “Did the caller give you any reason why he allegedly assaulted Miss Moss?”

Josh looked at Donna. Her blue eyes and bruised face looked up at him and she nodded to let him know it was okay.

“He started becoming a bit erratic at that point. Like he was talking about a mission he was on. He said she was a whore and when I told him not to speak about her like that he said he didn’t mean to offend me but all women were whores, especially the blonde ones. He was rambling on about their hair being their ‘scarlet letter’ or something like that and how they used sex and anything else they could to get men to do what they wanted. But he knew the truth about them and he was going to take care of all of them. He said someday, mankind would thank him for ridding the world of them. He really did sound completely crazy. He said she was his first and he was so glad he’d picked her.”

“Why was that?” Mike asked him.

“He said it was s sign or something that it was meant to be. He said it we couldn’t have whores in the government,” Josh finished, feeling both clean and filthy at the same time. As if saying the words aloud had cleansed him but having to be the one that passed them onto others in the form of verbal words, especially Donna who’d already suffered so much, had also stained him.

“Is there anything else you’d like to add?” Mike asked.

“No, I can’t think of anything,” Josh replied.

“Okay,” he said, switching off the recorder. “Well, Josh, like I told Donna if you think of anything else, no matter how insignificant, call me.” He put the recorder and some paperwork in his briefcase and closed it. “You guys did great. Thanks for your time. The transcripts of your interviews should be sent over later today or first thing tomorrow morning,” he told them.

“Bye, Mike,” Josh called as the FBI agent left. “Hey, Sam, thanks for all your help.” Josh paused. “Could you give Donna and me a second?”

“Sure, no problem,” Sam said.

Donna put her hand on his arm, “Thanks for being here, Sam.”

He smiled warmly at her, “You bet. I’m just glad I could help.” With that he headed downstairs to pester Toby.

Josh put his hands on her upper arms, “How you doing? Is your headache any better?”

She shrugged and then typed. “I’m okay. My headache is about the same.”

“Did Abbey have a chance to take a look at you this morning?”

“Yes. She said I was probably just stressed about the interview. I guess I didn’t do very well,” she typed.

He frowned at that, “Why do you say that?”

“I didn’t tell him anything he didn’t already know.”

“Well, he was aware of your memory loss before he came in here. And you did remember that thing about the cold.”

She rolled her eyes and then typed. “Oh yeah. That will crack the case WIDE open.”

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself, Donna. You told him what you could and that’s all he was looking for.” He didn’t like to see her so down on herself.

She looked up at him, “You think?”

“I know,” he told her. “Now, I want you to take some more Advil for your headache and then lie down and relax. Put this out of your mind. Watch some TV or read a book or take a nap or something. Text message me if you don’t feel better in a little bit. I’ve got to go downstairs and make sure Sam isn’t driving Toby too crazy.

“I’m sure you’ve already missed the boat on that one, Joshua,” Donna typed with a little smirk.

He gave her a full dimpled smile, “Well, you’re probably right about that but I’ve got to try.”

Something in her seemed to settle at the sight of his dimples. “Okay, I’ll try to stay out of trouble.”

He grinned this time and walked to the door. “See, that, right there, that’s what’s called leaving yourself open to be snarked.” He stopped in the doorway. “But I’ll let you off the hook and let you use your ‘get out of the snark free' card.” With that, he set out to find Sam.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 15 - MATURE

Donna moved over to the dresser and took some more Advil for her headache which, although it had not decreased, had not increased either. Going over to the bed, she laid back and used the remote to switch on the TV. She began flipping through the channels looking for something to watch. Talk shows and soap operas on the major networks. Boring and inane. Mid-day news on the local channels. Like she didn't get to watch enough news when she was working. True crime documentary about serial killers on A&E. Probably not the best viewing choice in the world for her right then. Old episodes of Wheel of Fortune and Card Sharks on the Game Show Channel. Yeah, because she didn't need the remaining brain cells she had. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman on the Hallmark Channel. She wasn't quite that desperate. A Godzilla movie on the Sci-Fi Channel. She REALLY wasn't that desperate. Law & Order on USA. God, she hated that show. You couldn't turn the channel and not find L&O or one of its variant spin-offs on. Some Jacqueline Smith movie on Lifetime. Blech.

Just as she was ready to concede that even in the White House where you could get every TV channel imaginable, there was nothing on to watch, she found it. “I Love Lucy” on TV Land. You could never go wrong with “I Love Lucy.” Tossing the remote back on the night stand, she laid back and started to watch the episode where Lucy and Ethel go into business selling Aunt Martha's Old Fashioned Salad Dressing. About the time Ricky was telling Lucy why she'd be losing money on each jar instead of making it, Donna's eyes slid closed.

Even in the daylight the nightmare chased her. Quietly it rose from her subconscious as her body relaxed into sleep. Since Donna would not acknowledge it when she was awake it would find the path to expression in her nightmares. Raw and unformed, it was more image than substance, more feeling than logic.

At first is was only darkness, but a darkness so deep and complete that it was hard to believe light existed anywhere else in the universe. It was as if all light and hope in that time and in that place had been removed, erased, eradicated.

Then there was the cold. An invisible, fathomless, bitter cold that sliced silently through the blackness, drawing blood, stealing breath and freezing flesh and bone until it cracked. There was no warmth, no heat. Only despair.

But as terrible as they were, even the dark and the cold were not the worst part. It was the sound that truly terrified her. Skittering. Groaning. Slithering. Growling. Scratching. Hissing. Creeping. First distinct and individual, the sounds began to organize, until, like voices joining together one by one, they reached a deafening crescendo. Like blood in the water will call sharks to feed, the sounds called out into the darkness for the monster. Telling it of the fresh prey. 

Even in the dark and over the roar of all the other sounds, she heard it coming. Heard it racing toward her. It knew her secrets and it knew how to hurt her. Like a terrible heartbeat it came. She tried to cover her ears, tried to run from it, or in some other feeble way, protect herself but she was trapped and there was nowhere to run and no one to run to. She was alone with the monster. Her only chance was that she could hide in the darkness. But when it made an evil sound, which she somehow instinctively knew was a chuckle, she realized that it could see in the dark. See HER in the dark. Then it was on her like a swarm of mutant wasps. Stabbing into her, inside her, washing over her in waves of primal pain and horror.

And then the most terrifying of all...it whispered her name.

Snapping awake with a strangled cry, Donna sat up. The room was filled with sunlight and warmth but in her first few waking moments she saw and felt none of it. Terrified, she blindly leapt from the bed, knocking the lamp from the nightstand and breaking the base into a number of pieces.

Her heart was racing, her breathing ragged as if she’d just run 20 miles and her head was throbbing like someone was playing a base drum inside it. Ignoring the pain in her injured arm she pressed both hands to the sides of her head to try and make the pain stop. Then the nausea came. Greasy waves of it rolled through her stomach. 

Stumbling into the bathroom with a tearless sob she began to retch violently into the toilet. Because she’d been asleep for a while and hadn’t eaten lunch, there wasn’t a whole lot in her stomach to throw up but it didn’t seem to matter. It was like her body was trying to excise something other than food. Then she felt warm, gentle hands touch her head and pull back her hair. Instinctively she knew it was Josh. While one hand continued to hold her hair, his other hand moved to her back and began rubbing it in soft circles. 

Josh watched her with concern as her dry heaving continued. “Go get Mrs. Bartlet, Sam.” He nodded and disappeared into the bedroom. Although he’d planned on checking on her earlier, things had been a little busier than he’d expected downstairs and he’d been delayed. He’d hoped she hadn’t had lunch yet and was going to see if she wanted him and Sam to eat with her. They’d been just down the hall from her room when they’d heard the crash of the lamp and had entered her room just as she’d darted unsteadily into the bathroom.

Slowly her body seemed to run out of steam and the heaving slowed and then stopped. She leaned her head wearily on the toilet seat while Josh jumped up and got her a wet washcloth. He touched her shoulder to give her the cloth but she was so limp and exhausted she just fell away from the toilet. He put his arm behind her shoulders and pulled her to his chest. Josh tipped her head up a bit and began gently cleaning her face with the cloth.

“I called her office, Mrs. Bartlet’s on her way up,” Sam told them. “She okay?”

Josh look down at Donna, her blue eyes were a little glazed as she looked up at him, misery clearly written in them. “I think so. What do you say, Donna? Are you okay?”

“I’m sorry,” she said, it came out more as her mouthing the words than any real vocalized speech.

“Shhhh. Don’t be sorry. But if you weren’t feeling good, why didn’t you text message me?” She opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out. “Sam, would you get her a glass of water?” Sam filled a glass sitting by the sink and handed it to Josh. “Here, use this to rinse your mouth,” carefully he lifted the glass and held it while she took a drink and swished in her mouth a bit. Holding her up a bit she spit the water into the toilet. “Sam, could you flush that?” Sam did so silently, glad he was able to help in little ways. “Now take a couple small swallows,” he told Donna, holding the glass up for her again. She sat up a little to drink but then sagged back against him, as if such a small thing had been a monumentally draining effort. “How are you feeling?” He put his phone in her hand so she could answer.

“Headache bad. Nauseous,” she typed.

“Does anything hurt?” he asked her.

“Hey, that’s my line,” Abbey said from the doorway. “I hear someone isn’t feeling well. Donna, do you think you can make into the other room if Josh and Sam help you?” Donna looked up at Abbey and after a moment, nodded. “Guys, why don’t you help her stand and we’ll get her somewhere she can be more comfortable.” Sam and Josh stood on each side of her and being careful of her elbow, all but lifted her gently to her feet. She swayed a bit and Josh put his arm around her waist and pulled her close to him. Together with Sam and Abbey right behind them in case Donna passed out or anything, they moved into the bedroom.

Josh tried to steer her toward the bed but she pulled away, shaking her head with a soft whimper. “You want the couch instead?” She nodded quickly. Sam moved around them to pull the coffee table out of the way. Donna sank down on the couch and just as Josh had seen her do on a number of occasions, he opened the window slightly to let the breeze in. 

“Now,” Abbey said, getting out her medical bag. “What were telling Josh when I walked in?” Donna showed her the phone which she hadn’t change since she’d typed it for Josh. Abbey frowned. “So your headache is worse?” Donna nodded. “That’s probably what’s causing your nausea.” She turned to Josh and Sam. “Guys, why don’t to close all the curtains and turn down the lights. Lots of times, light can make a headache worse.” Abbey felt something grip her arm. She turned back to see Donna with a death grip on her arm shaking her head frantically. Naked fear, almost terror was in her eyes. “You want the light?” Donna nodded quickly.

“Okay, okay,” Abbey said soothingly. “We’ll leave everything the way it is. Now the first thing you have to do is try and relax. Let me just check a few things.” Abbey set about taking Donna’s vital signs and checking for any problems with her pupil responses that might indicate that something was going on neurologically. “Well, Donna, you don’t have a fever and except for your pulse being a bit fast and your blood pressure a bit high, which is normal after a stressful event like vomiting, you seem okay. Were you upset about something? Did the interview with Agent Casper go badly?”

Donna shook her head and started typing, “It went fine but that’s when my headache got worse. I was trying to remember but it was hard because my head kept throbbing.” Then after everyone left I took some more Advil and laid down to watch TV. I actually thought it was getting better.”

“And?”

Donna glanced at Josh and then back at Abbey before she typed in the answer, “I had a nightmare.” 

“Was it the first one you’ve had since the attack?” Abbey asked her gently.

“No,” Donna saw Josh stiffen and his face frown with concern. “I had one last night.” Donna would almost see the wheels of blame turning in Josh’s head. He’d been gone last night so Donna had a nightmare. That was the way things worked in the world according to Josh. “But the one last night wasn’t bad. This one....was.”

Abbey looked at her for a minute. “How are you feeling now? Better? Worse?”

Donna thought for a minute, “Better I guess. My head’s not throbbing quite so much and I’m not so nauseous anymore.” Donna looked at Abbey for a minute. “What’s wrong with me?”

“Well, Donna I think the problem may be a couple of things. I think you were stressed about the interview and remembering unpleasant things and that probably started your headache. Then the interview itself made it worse and the nightmare just rounded things out to give you a whopper of a headache. The nausea was just a side effect of the headache. Your head injury might also be playing into it.

Headaches, days, weeks, months even, after a concussion are not uncommon. I imagine it was a combination of all those things. I can give you something a little stronger for your headache if you like. Or I could give you a sedative to help keep your stress level down.” Abbey paused and watched as Donna shook her head. “Okay. It’s up to you. However I’m going to insist that someone stay with you for at least the rest of today to make sure that your headache doesn’t get any worse or you don’t have any other problems.” Donna nodded.

“I’ll stay with her,” Josh said. “That is if Sam will help me farm out the rest of the stuff that I need to take care of downstairs.”

“Of course, Josh. Anything I can do to help,” Sam told him.

Josh looked down at Donna, “Looks like I’m all yours.”

Donna shook her head. “I don’t want to keep you from more important things.”

He smiled down at her, “You’re not. Right now, you are the most important thing.”

TBC


	4. Broken Glass: Chapters 16-20

Chapter 16 - MATURE

"Josh?"

Josh looked up from the briefing memo he was reading, "Hey, Sam."

"CJ said you wanted to see me," Sam replied from the doorway. It was Friday afternoon and he'd just been down harassing Toby. Being in the White House as a free roaming visitor was quite a different experience than when he'd been working here. It was definitely more relaxing being a visitor but on the other hand, it didn't quite charge him up the way working there had. In any case, it was great to see everyone again.

"Yeah, Sam," he waved his hand to indicate Sam should come in. "Close the door."

Sam wondered if this had anything to do with Donna. He knew that she'd been weighing heavily on Josh's mind ever since the attack. Well, she'd been weighing on ALL their minds since the attack but no one more so than Josh. Sam had seen a new side of Josh in the week he'd been in DC and it had everything to do with Donna. Although he wasn't sure if Josh realized it or was ready to acknowledge it, his non-friendship kind of love for Donna had been clearly evident. Sam only hoped that what had happened to Donna wouldn't be too big a stumbling block for them to overcome. He'd known for a long time that there was MAJOR subtext going on between Josh and Donna and he'd always hoped that someday they might actually admit that. He closed the door and went to lean again the credenza that sat in front of Josh's huge chalk board. "What's up?" he asked Josh.

"I need your help, Sam."

"Like I said, Josh, anything I can do," Sam replied.

Josh sighed and leaned back in his chair. "I was talking to CJ and she pointed out that we have a bit of a problem." He paused. "Mrs. Bartlet tells me that she's mostly likely going to give Donna her medical release tomorrow afternoon. Including the green light for her to start talking again. Which means Donna can move into her apartment on Sunday. We had a brief discussion about it in senior staff this morning and we decided that Donna should take one more week before coming back to work as Sydney. We figured that she could use the time to get settled in her apartment, buy some clothes and ease back into the world so to speak. Plus she's supposed to wear her sling for another week so if she waits, "Sydney" won't need to wear it when she starts working. CJ also felt it would have the added benefit of throwing the press that much more off the trail because I've already gone through two temporary assistants and so it will look natural for someone new to be stepping in as my assistant." 

"Okay, sounds good so far but I don't see why you need my help," Sam said.

Josh ran his hand over his face. "Yeah, I can't be seen with her when she leaves the Residence," he said, with a note of frustration in his voice. "Pretty much none of us can. Since 'Sydney' doesn't even officially work here yet..."

"It would seem pretty weird to anyone bothering to notice that anyone from the senior staff was hanging around her," Sam finished with a nod.

"Right. So since you're under the Beltway radar these days, I need you to look after Donna for me and help her get settled in her apartment," Josh told him.

"Sure. Not a problem. Whatever she needs."

"Thanks Sam, I wish...." he paused.

"You wish you could do it yourself but you can't so you need someone you trust to do it for you," Sam said.

"Have you been calling the psychic friends hotline again?" Josh asked, looking at his friend with a little smirk. "'Cause right there it sounded like you knew what I was going to say before I said it."

Sam smiled softly, "Josh, I did know what you were going to say. When it comes to Donna you can be, you know, kind of transparent."

Josh looked at him for a minute, "Yeah, I guess I can. I just....need to know she's okay."

"I know," Sam replied. "Don't worry. I'll see to it."

**********

She brushed at the bangs of the wig. It was Sunday and moving day. One week to the day that this odyssey had started for her. 

Donna adjusted the wig slightly and felt the conflicting emotions of oppression and safety settle over her as she stared back at Sydney. Just as Shannon and Patricia had promised, a package containing all the remaining parts of her costume, now customized to fit her perfectly, had arrived on Friday. Abbey and Zoey had scrounged her up a large pair of sweats and an oversized t-shirt to wear so she had something other than her one set of "work clothes" to wear until she could go shopping. Said shopping was planned for Tuesday and, if necessary, Wednesday, and Sam, bless his heart, had volunteered to go with her. They were going to hit a number of thrift shops and second hand stores in Baltimore to find Sydney some clothes. Of course, when Toby found out about Sam being her new fashion consultant, he'd taken every opportunity to snark him about being the newest cast member on “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.” But Sam, being Sam, had taken it all in stride.

Sam had been a rock for her and Josh in the past week. She knew he'd been taking care of everything related to moving her things from the old to the new apartment and after all the backbiting and turmoil that Josh had been through with Leo and Angela Blake, Donna was glad that Josh had Sam, someone who was outside the situation, yet could identify objectively with what Josh was going through, to talk to and rely on.

As for Josh himself, he'd been busy the last few days. Apparently, there had been a couple of issues with the Senate leadership that Angela hadn't been able to handle on her own and so Leo had asked Josh to step in. Josh had risen to the challenge, seeing it as a way to get back into Leo's good graces. But even with his full schedule he'd still found time to come up and have lunch and usually dinner with her. There was also the fact, that although she'd tried to talk him out of it, he had insisted on continuing to sleep on the couch in her room at night.

Him staying with her had its good and its bad points. It was good because she seemed to be more calm when he was around. Just his presence seemed to settle her and helped keep the demons at bay. It had been three days since the interview and the afternoon nightmare. Thankfully, there hadn't been a repeat of the nightmare. Of course another reason for that was that fact that she simply refused to think about...the thing. What had happened to her or the nightmares. When thoughts of them tried to surface she shoved them back down by sheer force of will.

The problem with him staying with her was that she had to sleep in the bed and not on the couch like she wanted to. She'd quickly discovered that after the last nightmare, she could no longer fall asleep in the bed. So she'd lie there in the low light from the new lamp that had replaced the one she broke, for most of the night and listen to him softly snore. The sound of him sleeping had comforted her more than she cared to admit but she still hadn't been able to sleep. When she was sure he was asleep, she would pull out some book she'd 'confiscated' from the President's study and lie in bed and read. Anything to keep her mind from thinking too hard. 

In the morning after Josh had gotten up, had a quick breakfast with her, showered and changed, and headed downstairs, she would set an alarm on her phone to wake her in a few hours and she would sack out on the couch. The alarm would wake her in time to take a shower and get dressed before he arrived for lunch. She'd repeat the cycle in the afternoon, being sure to get up in time to get ready in case he came up to have dinner with her.

"You ready, Donna?" Sam gently asked her from the doorway.

"Yes," she said, her voice still a bit rough. Mrs. Bartlet had cleared her to start talking the day before and it was still getting use to it. Between the injury and the disuse, her voice was a little gravelly and she got hoarse very quickly.

"I've got everything loaded in the car. We can go whenever you're ready."

"Thanks, Sam," she replied. 

“I’ll wait in the other room,” he said, hooking a thumb over his shoulder. Then he disappeared into the bedroom.

Donna checked her make-up in the mirror. She’d done pretty good job of covering the bruises, many of which were thankfully beginning to fade, almost as good as Patricia. Because they were going right to the apartment, Donna wasn’t wearing her contacts, so she pulled out a pair of dark sunglasses that Josh had given her to wear. They were so big they reminded her of something that Jackie O would have worn.

Josh.

She wished he were here. He’d talked to her already about the fact that they couldn’t be seen together during the next week. While Donna understood, it didn’t mean she had to like the idea. Josh had been with her all the way so far and to not have him there when she got to see her new apartment, an apartment that he himself had taken the time to find for her, just seemed wrong. Still, she thought, she had to learn to stand on her own. She couldn’t keep relying on him for everything. She wouldn’t be a burden to anyone, least of all to him. Now would be as good a time as any to start doing things on her own. While that thinking satisfied her head, her heart was heavy at the thought of moving into her new place without him. Taking a breath and clutching the sunglasses in her hand, she walked out of the bathroom. 

Sam was waiting for her by the door. “Ready?” Donna nodded and as they turned to leave, the President and Mrs. Bartlet came in the door.

“Oh, good,” Abbey said. “We hoped we’d back from mass in time to say goodbye. Sam, could you give us a minute?”

“Of course. Donna, I’ll wait for you at the top of the stairs.” Seeing her nod, he turned and left the room.

“Mr. President, Mrs. Bartlet,” Donna began. “I just wanted to say how wonderful you’ve been to let me stay here. I know you probably got more than you bargained for, but I just wanted to say thank you.”

“What are you talking about?” Abbey said. “You were no trouble at all. In fact, I loved watching you kick Jed’s butt at gin. Twice,” Abbey said with a little smirk, referring to the fact that Donna has beaten Jed in the gin rematch as well. By the time they were done with the game, the room had looked like an M&M factory had exploded in it.

“I thought I put out a Presidential decree that said no one in the White House was ever supposed to speak of that again,” Jed protested.

“Oh, didn’t you get my memo? I’m immune to those decrees,” Abbey said to him.

“Ma’am, I believe the word you’re looking for is ‘impervious,’” Donna put in.

“Impervious? Hmmm. Good word. I like it.”

“Don’t encourage her, Donna, or she’ll be completely unbearable.” The President replied. His expression softened, “Donna, you’ll always be welcome in our home. Whether we’re here in DC or in Manchester.” He paused, “Now can the leader of the free world get a hug from our departing house guest?” 

Donna smiled gently. It didn’t hurt to smile so much anymore but like talking she was still getting use to do it again. Leaning forward, they embraced warmly. “Thank you, sir,” she said softly.

“Very nice, Jed,” Abbey said when Donna and Jed broke apart. “Now, Donna, if you have any problems or questions or you need anything, anything at all, you call me. Before I let you out of here, I’m going to need a hug too.” The two women hugged each other.

“You’ve been so wonderful, Mrs. Bartlet. ‘Thank you’ doesn’t seem like enough.”

Abbey tightened her hug gently, “It’s more than enough, Donna.”

The two of them parted. “Well, I guess I should go, Sam’s waiting.”

Abbey moved over to stand next to Jed as Donna walked to the door. “Take care,” Abbey called to her.

Donna paused in the doorway and looked back at the room that had been her home for the last week and the two people that had been more like parents to her than her own. A lump the size of Josh’s ego was suddenly lodged in her throat. “Bye,” she finally said. Then she turned quickly and walked down the hall to where Sam waited for her.

**********

Since the apartment was fairly close, the ride over was short. When they stopped in front of a lovely brownstone, Donna blinked from behind her sunglasses. “Why are we stopping here?”

“This is it.” Sam said, with a smile. 

“THIS is it?” Donna asked in astonishment. Cheerful flower boxes decorated the windows of the older, but well-tended building.

“Yep. I think you’ll like the apartment,” Sam told her with a grin. Donna stared at him for a moment not saying anything. Then she looked from him back to the building and back to him again, as if when she turned back it would somehow look different, more like what she’d expected. “But I definitely think that you’ll like it better if we go inside than you will from the car,” he said.

“Oh, right,” she replied with a smile. 

“Let’s go upstairs so you can see your new place then I’ll come back down and get your things,” Sam told her as they got out of the car. “Here are your keys,” he said, handing her a small key ring and a small piece of paper. “The paper has the pass code for the front door on it. Each tenant has a different code,” he told her as they walked up the front steps. The front door was wide, with a large glass panel and covered with a beautiful wrought iron facade that flowed into a beautiful floral pattern. It was functional as well as lovely because the iron would protect the window and anyone inside it. Although she didn’t notice them there were also two video cameras mounted, one on each side of the front entrance. Each apartment came with a small video monitor so the occupants could see who was standing at the entrance.

Donna merely stood there for a moment, trying to take it all in. The door might have been the gates of heaven itself, it was so magnificent. Her old apartment had been spartan and simple and that included the entrance as well as the units. Standing here now, she felt a bit like Little Orphan Annie coming to Daddy Warbucks’ mansion for the first time.

“Go ahead Sydney, enter your code,” Sam urged, using her alter ego’s name as they were standing outside.

“Okay,” she said, shaking herself out of her daze and stepping up to the small keypad next to the door. Reading the number off the piece of paper, she pressed her 6 digit code into it and heard the lock on the door click open. Sam pulled the door open for her and ushered her inside. It was almost grander than the outer entrance. They now stood in a wide foyer, well lit by the glass entrance door and the large window that rose above it. The floor was a warm welcoming hardwood and the walls were decorated in a soft, muted mural of vines and floral patterns on walls of pale yellow with crisp white trim. To their direct left, there was a small elevator. To their direct right was a bank of mailboxes set into the wall that were each marked with a unit number. Directly in front of them to the right was a set of natural wood stairs going up and to the left was a short hallway heading toward the back of the building.

“The building manager’s office is right down that hallway,” Sam told her. “The small key on your key ring is for your mail box. You’re in apartment 2A on the second floor.” Donna nodded. “Would you like to take the stairs or the elevator?” he asked her.

Still recovering from her shock at seeing the beautiful interior, it took Donna a moment to answer. “The stairs.” Sam nodded and the two of them started walking up. There was a lovely antique runner done in jeweled toned shades of green and blues and picking up the pattern in the wall mural in the foyer, laid out on the stairs.

Getting to the top of the stairs, Donna looked around the landing. There were more hardwood floors here and the walls were decorated in the same soft yellow and white trim as downstairs but without the mural. Five doors, all done in the same natural wood as in the floor, marked the sunny hall. One on her right that must have lead to an apartment in the back part of the building. Two doors on her left that must have led to middle apartments. A fourth door toward the end of the hall on her left that had a small display over it, indicating it was the door to the elevator, and the fifth door on her extreme left at the far end of the hall in the direction of the front end of the building. Sam gently placed his hand on Donna’s uninjured elbow and guided her toward the fifth door at the end of the hall. 

They stopped in front of it. 2A, it said. The natural wood door looked back at her, simple and welcoming. Another small keypad sat just to the right of the door frame about chest high. “Oh, you’re going to need this too,” he said, fishing a small booklet out of his pocket and handing it to her. “You have a security system in your apartment,” he explained. “The number written in the front is the starting pass code. Once you enter it and, you know, read the directions which I haven’t done, you can change the code to be anything you want. This panel and security system is totally separate from the one down at the entrance. When the light is green, the security system is off and when it’s red, it’s on.” He said, pointing to the small lights that were just above the keypad. The light was red. “If you try to unlock the door with your key before you turn off the system, the alarm goes off. To turn off the alarm once it goes off just enter your pass code.”

Donna pulled off her sunglasses and looked at him a moment and then back at the keypad. Her brain was already swimming and she hadn’t even gotten inside yet.

“Well, are you going to use your X-ray vision or are we going to go inside?” Sam asked her with a smile.

Donna smiled a bit in return and entered the pass code listed in the book. The light went from red to green. This apartment definitely had more security than her old one.

“Now you can use your key. The same key opens both locks,” he told her.

There were two locks. A formidable looking dead bolt and a sturdy doorknob. Sliding her key into the dead bolt and turning it, she heard the well oiled click of the tumblers sliding together. Then she put the key into the doorknob and turned it, hearing the same thing. With a final wish that Josh could be there with her for the moment, she turned the knob and pushed the door open.

The door swung noiselessly open and she gasped in surprise. It was lovely. It was amazing. It was hers. Her stuff was even already moved into it. Fearing that it was something she was dreaming and when she tried to touch it, it would disappear, she stood, rooted to the spot in the doorway, trying to take it all in. From where she stood, it appeared that the hardwood floors spilled into the apartment from where she was standing and then continued throughout. As did the soft, sunny yellow color and white trim on the walls. 

The front door opened into a small living room that was big enough for her old couch, which was now camouflaged by a new slipcover, and her TV. Two large windows facing the street and the other brownstones across from hers and framed by white eyelet curtains, flooded the room with light. 

However, there were a couple of notable additions to the room that she knew had not been among her possessions a week ago. A large overstuffed chair, covered in the same fabric as the couch sat to one side, two new end tables and a matching coffee table, two small matching lamps, and a number of lovely floor rugs rounded out the furniture. It was a lovely, comforting and inviting room.

She wanted to pinch herself it was so perfect. “But where did all the new furniture and stuff come from?”

“Well, come inside and I’ll tell you,” he said with a smile and ushered her inside. He closed the door behind them. “Here’s another keypad,” he said indicating the one that was mounted inside the apartment. “So you can set the system at night or while you’re home as well. The little screen above it is a video monitor so if you have a visitor you can see who it is before you buzz them in. The button just below the monitor will open the foyer door down stairs. Now, as for the furniture, they’re housewarming presents. The chair is from me. The lamps, the curtains and the slipcovers are from CJ. The end tables and the coffee table are from the Bartlets. And the rugs are from Leo.” He paused. “Do you like it? I can change or move around anything you don’t like.”

At that moment she was chewing on the fact that Josh hadn’t gotten her anything. How selfish was she? She had what amounted to a new room of furniture and all she could think about was what she HADN’T gotten and whom she hadn’t gotten it from. Stuffing that thought down she turned to him. “Oh, Sam. I wouldn’t change anything. It’s wonderful. But are you sure this is where I’M supposed to live? How can it possibly be available for the small amount of rent that Josh told me?”

Sam looked at her a moment. He thought about trying to make up a story but it was really hard to lie to Donna. Kind of like lying to Bambi. “You’ll have to ask Josh about that.” Better Josh’s problem than his. “Come see the rest of the apartment,” he said, urging her forward. Just past the living area was a small dining room where her small dining table was sitting. And then there was the kitchen. It was long and narrow and had every modern convenience. As with the rest of the apartment, everything looked well-maintained and fairly new. There was a dishwasher, refrigerator, and a stove and oven. The microwave from her old apartment sat in the corner. Over the kitchen sink was a small greenhouse window that would be perfect for a growing little pots of herbs. It overlooked a small communal park/garden area that had been set up between her building and the next one. And the best of all, hidden behind a small folding door, there was a small, stacked washer and dryer set. Donna gave a little squeal at that. No more laundry rooms or laundromats. 

Sam grinned at seeing her reaction to the washer and dryer. That had been another touch courtesy of J&S Enterprises, Inc. The kitchen had been wired and plumbed with the hookups but the machines themselves had not been included in the apartment so Sam had picked out a set and they had been installed on Friday.

Walking toward the bedroom, they made a swing through the bath. It had two pocket doors. One that made an entrance from the living room and one that connected it the bedroom. One other nice feature was the fact there was a tall skinny built-in cabinet in one corner that could be used as a small linen cabinet and for storage. Otherwise it was a standard bathroom with a tub/shower combination and a toilet and pedestal sink.

They walked through the bath and Donna stopped. Part of her had been oddly apprehensive about going into the bedroom. She expected to find her old furniture and, she figured, bad memories. But there was almost nothing left of her old bedroom except her bedroom TV. The furniture was completely different, even down to the lamps that flanked each side of the new bed. And the bed itself was magnificent. It was a natural wood, queen sized sleigh bed with long graceful lines. She’d never seen such a beautiful bed. It even had all new bedding and a soft down comforter. The rest of the room was rounded out by a beautiful new armoire and matching dresser, which was what the TV was resting on, and a small desk. Besides the TV, only her really personal items, like knick knacks and photos, remained from her old room. They were strategically placed on two simple bookcases that sat behind the desk. Two more large windows, also flanking the bed and overlooking the same communal park area next door, added the perfect touch by throwing light into every corner of the room.

She turned to Sam, who’d waited in the bathroom doorway so she cold walk around on her own. “Where? How?”

“The bedroom furniture is from Josh,” he explained.

Donna’s heart swelled and she felt terrible that she’d questioned the fact that he hadn’t gotten her anything earlier. She ran her hand over the end of the bed. Maybe she could actually sleep in this one. Just then she heard a noise. She looked up and heard it again. It sounded like laughter. Then it sounded like someone was being shushed. She looked at Sam, “Did you hear that?”

Sam looked immediately guilty. He’d heard it and he knew what it was and he silently told them to shut up. But then there was another giggle and more shushing. So he decided to play dumb, “Hear what?”

Donna had known Sam long enough to know when he was lying. She looked over in the direction of the sound. It was coming from the far corner of the bedroom where a closed door existed. She could see a sliver of light coming from under the door. “Sam? What’s behind that door?” The previous noises instantly fell into silence.

“Oh, um...what?”

“I said what’s behind that door?”

“Oh, well, yes. Um, that’s the closet. But you don’t need to see in there. There’s just clothes and stuff. Say, I know, why don’t we go back in the kitchen and check to make sure all the appliances work.”

Donna looked at him for a minute. Sam was a worse liar than Josh, which given the fact that Josh was the worst liar on the face of the earth, was really saying something. “Sure Sam,” she said. “Right after I see what’s in my new closet.” Part of her mused that she should have been scared that there was a mysterious giggling, shushing thing in her closet but she wasn’t. Moving over to the door she pulled it open. And caught CJ, Toby and Josh trying to cram into various hiding places in the long and narrow walk-in closet. “Hi, guys,” she said.

Her gaze fell to Josh who was standing in her round wicker hamper with the lid in his hand. Obviously he’d been planning to hide inside it. CJ had been trying to burrow into the hanging clothes but she was so tall she had to bend her neck at a funny angle to get under the rod and her feet were all tangled up in a shoe organizer that had been set up on the floor. She couldn’t have been more conspicuous if she’d tried. As for Toby, he’d tried to crouch down behind some still-to-be-unpacked boxes stacked on the floor but Donna could see just the crown of his balding head poking up over it.

Somewhere, deep down in her, a laugh bubbled up. Donna hadn’t laughed at any time during the last week. Not even during her gin games with the President or the M&M throwing. But laugh now she did. Laughter that shook her entire body and had her clutching her side with her good arm and had tears gathering in her eyes. Luckily she and ‘Sydney’ were wearing waterproof mascara or there would have been some major raccoon eyes. The four other people in the room stood in stunned silence watching her. Then, as if on cue they started laughing too. The room shook with their laughter. Still laughing, Josh climbed out of the hamper and walked toward her. Donna held her arm out and he went to her, wrapping her up in his arms. It was so wonderful to hear her laugh again. One by one, Sam, CJ and Toby came up to join them until they were in one huge laughing, hugging huddle.

When they’d finally calmed down and pulled apart from each other, Donna pulled off her wig. “So what were you guys doing in the closet?” she asked as she wiped her eyes as they all walked out into the living room.

“We were going to wait until you’d had a chance to see everything then we were going to come out and surprise you with a little housewarming party,” CJ told her as she led them all into the kitchen.

“So you were going to jump out and yell ‘surprise’ or something?” Donna asked them with a teasing lilt in her voice.

“No, we figured that might not be the best idea in the world,” Josh picked up the explanation as CJ began to remove boxes of Chinese food from the oven where they’d been warming. “Sam was supposed to give us a signal to let us know you’d had a chance to see everything and we were just going come out and say ‘happy housewarming.’ But Giggly Gigglerson over here couldn’t shut up long enough.....”

“I couldn’t help it,” CJ said, trying to defend herself. “Toby kept on saying stuff and then it snowballed and it gave me the giggles and I couldn’t stop. I swear it was like the time I had to talk to Marion Coatsworth-Hay.” Josh and Toby started setting all the cartons on the dining room table, while Sam got out dishes and glasses. Donna tried to help but CJ shoed her out of the kitchen. “Go sit down, Donna. This is a party for you.”

“So what did Toby say that was so funny?” Donna asked as she sat down at the end of the table. Josh silently set a carton in front of her. She smiled and flipped open the top. Kung-pao chicken, her favorite.

“Dig in Donna,” CJ said as they all began to sit down. “Well, you know he’s been making fun of the fact that Sam’s going to help you go clothes shopping...oh, you tell her Toby. You tell it better anyway.”

Donna poured some of the kung-pao chicken on her plate, passed the carton onto Josh, who was sitting next to her, and waved her fork at Toby. “Yes, Toby. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. He’s helping me out so I’d consider it a personal favor if you’d lay off the snarky comments.” Sam sent her a look of utter gratitude, mixed with a little smirk that said he appreciated the fact that she was one of the few people who could smack Toby around and get away with it. Ever since Rosslyn, Toby’d had a special place in his heart for Donna.

Toby glanced at her, “Donna, why would you ask me to deprive myself of something that brings me such obvious, you know, pleasure. With Will defecting to Bingo Bob, I have no one to harass, except maybe Rena and she’s just no fun. When Sam’s around I just can’t help it. He makes himself such an easy target. I mean he’s already such a ‘girly man’ and now he’s going to help you look for clothes like he was that Carson guy on Queer Eye for the Whatever. It’s cruel for you to expect me to not make some kind of comment. Oh, and speaking of ‘girly man,’ Sam, why is it that you Californians can’t seem to resist electing Republican actors to office?”

“So our governor always looks good on camera,” Sam replied without missing a beat as he spooned up a large helping of beef and broccoli. “We are the movie capitol of the world after all,” Sam smirked. “If you’ve got to have a Republican in office, we say, make sure he looks good.”

“That’s what I always say,” CJ said, raising her glass in a toast. Donna, who was drinking soda because of all her medications, clinked her can against CJ’s glass.

“See Sam, it’s comments like yours that make you an easy target for the ‘girly man’ thing.” Toby paused. “Well, thank God at least this one can’t run for President.” 

“Toby, please, as a favor to me, at least try to keep the snarking to a minimum when it comes to him helping me find clothes for Sydney. It’s going to be a big enough pain shopping for clothes that are like 4 sizes too big without Sam feeling self conscious about helping me.”

After a moment Toby swallowed the bite of orange peel chicken he was eating, “I’ll do my best. I’ve about run out of material on that front anyway.”

“Thank you, Toby,” Donna said.

“You didn’t tell her what you were tormenting CJ with in the closet yet though,” Josh said with a smirk and a mouthful of rice. “By the way, I was the one trying to get them to shut up so we didn’t give ourselves away.” Donna smiled at him.

Toby shot him a dirty look liked he’d been hoping to let their early discussion be forgotten. “Don’t talk with your mouth full, haven’t you heard it’s impolite?”

“So’s being evasive,” Josh’s smirk got wider.

Toby glared at Josh again, “Fine. CJ was whispering about what a good job Sam had done on the apartment...”

“Thanks, CJ!” Sam said with a grin. “I was pretty proud of the way it came out.”

“Girly man, girly man, girly man,” Toby muttered half under his breath.

“Toby,” Donna warned.

“You’re welcome, Sam,” CJ said, ignoring Toby. It was a well developed skill that had failed her in the closet but was working just fine right then. “Continue with what you were saying Toby, tell her what you said.” Now it was CJ’s turn to get the dirty look from Toby. She turned to Donna, “He’s frowning because he’s about to tell you something else you won’t like.” 

“Toby?” Donna prompted.

“Well, if everyone’s going to keep interrupting me then I’m not going to say anything,” he replied, casually dipping his egg roll in some soy sauce.

“Okay, everyone be quiet so Toby can tell me,” Donna said and she scooped up some more kung-pao chicken. Everyone but Toby nodded their agreement. “The floor is yours Toby.”

Toby didn’t look like he was at all sure he liked this arrangement and took a sip of his beer. “All I said was that in addition to Carson, Sam could also be Thom the decorator guy on ‘Queer Thing’ and that since he’s got Kyan and the hair thing already down, he could in fact, if he knew how to dance or cook, stage a one-man show. Maybe even, you know, take it on the road and eventually to Broadway. Of course he’d have to also be, you know, gay, but there are still some details I hadn’t quite got worked out.”

Donna blinked at Toby and didn’t know if she should laugh or throw the last egg roll at him. She joined CJ and Josh as they looked at Sam to gauge his reaction. Sam glanced at Donna so Toby couldn’t see his face and he winked at her. Then he coughed lightly. Two words were buried in the cough. “Girly man.”

Josh picked it up and coughed along with him, “Girly man.”

CJ and Donna picked it up too, “Girly man.”

“Why are you guys mocking ME? It’s not my fault he acts like two-thirds of the cast of that show all rolled into one.”

Sam smirked as they all stopped coughing. “Toby we call you that because while I might know something about clothes and hair and decorating, I’ve never seen that show and if you stood me up against your office wall and were going to throw rubber balls at my head unless I could named them I’d would have big red marks where you’d hit me because I have no idea what their names are. But apparently you do.” Sam turned back to the table, “Does anyone else?”

“Not me,” Josh said.

“Ditto,” CJ said. They all turned to Donna.

“Sorry, can’t help you. I watch it all the time. My alabaster skin would be safe from Toby’s rubber balls of death. I happen to think Carson is funny, Thom is really cute, I’d love to have Kyan work on my hair and I’d pay Jai to give me dance lessons. Ted’s okay, but I don’t like what he wants to cook so much.” She paused. “But Toby, the apartment is amazing so from here on out, knock it off with Sam and the Queer Eye jokes.” She finished the last of her chicken.

It was a ripple effect at that point. In one fell swoop she’d redeemed Sam AND Toby. Sam smiled first, then Toby, then Josh and finally CJ. Laughter quickly followed as Donna simply grinned at the great friends gathered around her table. It was a good day.

Later, after the last of her things had been unloaded from Sam’s rental car and they’d shared a small cake that CJ had brought, each of them had left, one by one so as to not be conspicuous, with her profuse thanks for the apartment and the party. 

All but Josh, that is. 

The two of them were sitting on the couch watching TV. Her head was resting in his lap, his hand was resting lightly on her shoulder. There was nothing the least bit romantic about it. It was nothing more than a quiet moment in the intimate friendship they’d always had.

But in a way, Donna had been a bit worried about them being alone together tonight. He was going to want to sleep on the couch like he had for the last few nights in the White House but she wanted him to go home. Well, scratch that. She didn’t WANT that as she always felt safer when he was there but she NEEDED him to go home. Just as she’d decided as she was leaving her room in the Residence, she was going to re-enter the world again and she needed to do it standing on her own. It wouldn’t look right for Sydney to lean too heavily on her boss, especially after some of the play acting they’d planned out to throw the press and anyone else who didn’t know the truth off the scent. The first night in her new sparkling, amazing apartment was the perfect time to do that.

Now was as good a time as any to broach this subject. “Josh?” she said, sitting up.

“What?” he asked, just a bit concerned. She had her, ‘I’ve got something to talk about voice’ on.

“Um, were you planning on staying here tonight?”

“Yeah. I thought that might be best,” he replied.

“Josh. It wasn’t your fault that I had that nightmare,” she said, gently.

He paused. Damn she could read him well, “I know. I just wanted to be close in case you needed something.” Well, it wasn’t a lie. He wanted that too.

“Josh. I know the way your mind works. I’m tuned to you, remember? You think that because you went home I had my nightmare. But that’s not true. I had it because something bad happened to me and I had to remember or try to remember it during the interview. Nothing more. You’ve been so amazing through everything but I need to do this. I need to be able to get through the night on my own. And you need to sleep somewhere that won’t destroy your back and trust me when I say that the couch in the Residence is much more comfortable to sleep on than mine. Plus I need to start living as here as Sydney. How’s it going to look if my new boss is sleeping on my couch? Especially when said boss is so distraught over the loss of his longtime assistant, he and I are likely to have knock-down drag out arguments in the bullpen because he can’t remember my name is Sydney?”

She was right on all counts and he knew it. But that still didn’t make it any easier to let go of her. The last few days of having her need him and yet having her get stronger every day, had only made her love her more. And each day he couldn’t tell her was a small knife in his heart. “Yeah. I know. I guess I just...”

“You want to look out for me Josh. That means more to me than I’ll ever be able to say.” She took his hand in hers, “YOU mean more to me than I’ll ever be able to say.” She paused. “But I need to do this and you need to let me.” 

He was quiet for a moment, “Okay, then I guess I better go because it’s getting late.”

“You’re not mad at me for asking you to go are you? I mean you’ve been so wonderful through everything and I’ll never forget that.” The last thing she wanted to do was offend him or make him angry.

“No, God no, Donna.” He pulled her gently into his arms and kissed her on the forehead when he wanted to kiss her on the mouth to show her he was anything but mad. “Of course, I’m not mad. You’re right. I just...you’re my best friend and you know...” 

She hugged him back. “I know, Josh. I know,” she said. “Thank you, Josh, for everything. The apartment is beautiful and the bedroom looks fabulous. I’m still not sure how you got them to rent it to me for what I can afford to pay but I appreciate all of it.”

They pulled back from each other a bit but their arms were still loosely wrapped around each other. It warmed him that she seemed so happy. “Well, Sam helped pick the furniture out and CJ helped me with the apartment but I knew you’d like it.”

“I do. I love everything. I keep waiting for the clock to strike midnight and everything disappears.”

“Well, Cinderella, I can say with relative certainty that is NOT going to happen,” he told her with a smile. “Okay. I’m gonna go,” he said, letting her slide reluctantly out of his arms. “Promise you’ll call me, anytime, if you need anything this week. If I can’t deliver it in person I’ll have Sam do it,” he said as he picked up his bag.

She smiled. “I promise,” she said as she followed him to the door.

He pulled the door open and turned back to her. “Don’t forget to set the alarm and lock the door when I leave.”

“I won’t forget,” she told him.

“Good night,” he called as he started down the hall.

“Nite,” she called after him. After he disappeared down the hall and she couldn’t see him, she closed and locked the door and set the alarm. Leaning against the door, she surveyed her new apartment. She still wanted to pinch herself. It seemed like such an amazing thing she was sure she must be dreaming.

After taking her first shower in the new bathroom, Donna walked into the bedroom. Since her bed was new, her couch was lumpy, she was tired, and she hadn’t had a nightmare in three days, she decided to give her new bed the benefit of the doubt. Sliding between the fresh sheets, she laid there and smiled. Yes, it had been a very good day. She was asleep almost as soon as she closed her eyes.

And for the first time, she dreamt about the barn.

She was outside in the mid-day sunlight under a clear blue sky. It was summer and she was dressed for warm weather, in white denim shorts, a blue t-shirt, white sneakers and white ankle socks. But for some reason she didn’t feel the warmth of the sun. It was as if she was standing in an invisible air-conditioned box on a hot summer afternoon. Trying to get away from the box to feel the warmth, she began walking.

She saw vast fields of corn fanning out as the far as the eye could see, growing strong and tall in the sunshine. She could hear the crunch of the gravel under feet as she scuffed the toe of her shoe into the ground. She could see the small cloud of dust her motion had kicked up. Oh, it got her shoe dirty. Mama wouldn’t like that. She’d have to be sure to clean it before she went home. Mama liked things clean and perfect. She wished with everything she had that she could be perfect like Mama wanted. Maybe then Mama wouldn’t be so angry and yell so much. “Donnatella,” she would say. “Why do you always have to make trouble? Why couldn’t you be quiet and plain? Just because you’re pretty you think you’re special. Well you’re not and the sooner you realize that the better off you’ll be.” Sometimes she wanted to cover her ears and run away and keep running until she stopped hearing Mama. But for now it was okay. Mama was far away.

Walking around the bend in the road she realized her mistake. Her feet stopped moving. She didn’t want to come this way. The barn was this way. She didn’t like going to the barn, especially so late in the day. Bad things happened in the barn. She looked up and there, as if it had risen up out of the ground itself, was the barn. The grey weathered walls stood out against the late afternoon sun. The door swung slowly open, like a great black maw ready to snatch her inside and take her back into the ground. Into hell. 

She started to put one foot behind her to turn and run but the ground shifted under her and began to pull her toward the barn like a great dirt and gravel conveyor belt. She tried to run in the other direction but the faster she moved, the faster the grounded pulled her toward the barn. She could feel the extreme cold now as it rushed over her, like icy breath coming from inside the barn. Looking over her shoulder, the barn looked almost like a face, with the large main door as the mouth and the two smaller hay loft doors above it as eyes. It smiled at her and she screamed. Long black wisps of nothingness emerged from the eyes and the mouth and reached out for her. In a flash they were on her, binding her wrists and ankles with their stinging tentacles. Flinging her inside the barn, the door slammed shut, removing all the light and any possible chance of escape. Then she heard the sounds. The sounds that haunted her and made her pray she would die. That even hell would be better than the sounds and the monster they would call. Skittering. Groaning. Slithering. Growling. Scratching. Hissing. Creeping. Whimpering. Screaming. 

Screams she didn’t even realize were hers.

Donna snapped awake, her head and her heart pounding, her breathing rapid, her stomach rolling. Tumbling out of bed, she stumbled to the bathroom where her body violently disposed of the wonderful dinner and cake she’d had earlier. Snatching some toilet paper from the nearby roll, she wiped her face off and flushed the toilet. Lying back on the bathroom floor she looked miserably up at the ceiling. She wanted to cry. Part of her was crying in great gulping sobs. But the real tears refused to come.

What was wrong with her? Why couldn’t she stop feeling this way? She just wanted things to go back to the way they were. Was that so much to ask?

When her body had begun to settle and her head had gone from pounding to merely aching, she got up off the floor, took some Advil for her head, some antacid for her stomach and walked tiredly into the bedroom. She stared at the beautiful bed Josh had bought her. Her heart twisted painfully to know that something so wonderful wouldn’t be getting used anytime soon. With a sigh, she pulled the comforter off the bed and dragged it out into the living room, where she settled herself on the couch and tried to go back to sleep.

**********

Sunlight filtered in through the eyelet curtains, gently waking Donna. It was fairly early yet but at least she’d gotten a couple hours of sleep after her nightmare. If she had to keep sleeping on the couch though she was going to have to get a better one as this one really wasn’t very comfortable for sleeping. She picked up the remote and flipped on the TV. It was Monday and the morning news was on, she so began watching it.

A young, serious looking, Tom Brokaw wannabe, named ‘David Davis,’ was anchoring the news that morning. “David Davis? God, where do these people get these names?” she grumbled.

“Repeating our top news story. The body of a young woman was found in her apartment this morning in the Adams Morgan neighborhood of DC. She’d apparently been sexually assaulted and strangled sometime over the weekend. The police are not releasing the identity of the woman until her next of kin can be notified. The only details the DC police are releasing about the woman at this time is that she was in her early 30’s and blonde. When asked about a possible link between this murder and the murder of Senior White House Assistant, Donnatella Moss, last week in the same neighborhood, the DC police said they had no evidence to support a link between the two cases. We will keep you apprised of any new details later in our broadcast.”

A chill ran through Donna. Of course there was a link. There had to be. Although murder and sexual assault weren’t uncommon in DC, it was still just a little too coincidental. Mike had told her that her attacker might be a new serial killer. Apparently he’d been right. That thought had her up off the couch and running into the bathroom. There was nothing in her stomach so the vomiting was largely unproductive, highly unpleasant and somewhat painful after last nights episode. But at least there was no headache this time. She would take any small victory she could get. As she was rinsing her mouth out, her cell phone started ringing. Popping a couple of Tums into her mouth, she was seriously thinking of buying stock in the company, she dug the phone out of her purse and saw Josh was calling her.

“Hello?” she said.

“Hey, it’s me. Did you turn on the TV yet?”

“Yes,” she replied.

“Oh, well, don’t watch the news, until I have a chance to come over and talk to you.”

“Yeah, the ship has sailed on that one.”

There was a rather large pause, “So you saw it?”

“Yes, I did.”

“I didn’t know, I swear. CJ just told me. She just found out too,” he told her.

“I know. It’s not your fault. We knew this might happen. Isn’t that the whole reason Sydney exists?” she asked him.

“Yeah, I guess it is.” He paused. “You okay?”

“It was a bit of shock to hear them talk about it but, yeah, I’m okay,” she hoped she sounded convincing and not like someone who’d thrown up twice in the last 12 hours.

Josh wasn’t at all sure he should believe her. “Would you like some company for lunch?” he asked her.

“That’s probably not a good idea. You probably shouldn’t be seen over here.”

She sounded tired and a little defeated. “I can be covert,” he tried a little bit of levity.

“Covertness is not one of your best traits, Joshua. Unless you count when you’re trying to hide something from the Republicans. Then you’re the king of covertness,” she replied, trying to convince him she was okay. Then all she had to do was convince herself. “I’m okay,” she told him again. “Besides, you’ve probably got a tons of work on your desk to do.”

“Well, with Angela still here it’s not a ton but after I helped out with the Senate thing a couple of days ago, it has increased,” he told her. “But I’d rather have lunch with you.”

“I know. I just...I just need a little time. It’s not you. It’s me. And I don’t mean that in a ‘I say it’s me but it really is you kind of way.’ It really is me. I’ve got to try and get a handle on Sydney and what being her is going to be like. I thought I might put my outfit on and try and run some errands today. I’ve got all my new ID and my checkbook and credit cards, so I might as well use them. I thought I’d go the grocery store and get some stamps at the post office. I can’t be a hermit forever, no matter how beautiful my new cave is.”

“Okay. But can I call or text message you later, you know, 2 or...7 times?” he asked with a grin.

She smiled a bit. “I’d like that.”

“Well, good luck with the errands,” he told her.

“Oh, Josh. Speaking of errands. I’m going to need some transportation. What happened to my car?”

“Officially, on paper, your car was donated to charity. In reality it’s in storage in Alexandria.”

“Okay. Well, I guess I can take a cab,” she said.

“If you look in the top desk drawer, I think you’ll find a little cash you can use to get around.”

“Josh, you didn’t have to do that,” she said, touched by the gesture.

“Well, everyone contributed, even Leo and the President.”

“That’s so nice of every body. Could you thank them for me?” she asked him.

“Sure, I will.”

“Okay, well, I’m going to go. I’ll talk to you later.”

“All right. Be careful,” he told her. He had to suppress his urge to bolt out of the building, find a disguise and go with her.

“I will. Bye,” she said, hanging up the phone. She looked up at the TV. The news was on a commercial break. One commercial, well it was more like a public service announcement came on. She watched it intently. When it was done, she got up off the couch, made the bed, took a shower, wrapped herself in Sydney, dug out the money Josh had collected for her and left the apartment. She had a new errand on her list.

**********

Walking through the long rows of cages she looked for the signs to point her to the cattery. Maybe that was her problem, she’d thought when she’d seen the public service announcement for the Washington DC, Department of Health, Environmental Health Administration Pet Adoption Agency, she lived alone. Having another living thing in the house might help keep the nightmares at bay a bit.

Taking a wrong turn she wound up in the middle of the dog section. You couldn’t help but look at them. There were so many of them. All different sized and shapes. She’d always wanted a dog but her mother hated dog hair and dirt and smell so she’d put a quick end to that idea. Now with only an apartment and a very demanding job, a cat was her only real choice. Seeing another sign for the cattery, she made a right turn and kept walking. She looked down and realized her shoe was untied. Bending over she retied it.

Afterward, she wasn’t sure why but she felt the urge to look to her left. Doing so, she came face to face with the second most beautiful brown eyes she’d ever seen. Josh’s eyes had won the first place, lifetime achievement award in that contest a long time ago. This set of eyes stared back at her from the face of a beautiful male chocolate lab who was sitting in the cage she was standing in front of. Whereas many of the other dogs she’s passed had all jumped excitedly against the cage doors as she’d passed. The lab just sat and watched her intently, the only part of him moving was his tail. If he could talk, she’d swear he would be saying, “Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you to come and pick me up.” Leaning over she looked at the small ID card posted on his cage. His name was “Harley” and according to the card he was just shy of being two-years-old. He was also housebroken and neutered.

But she couldn’t have a dog. What would she do with him during the 18 hour work days she often had? And what about when she had to travel with Josh and the President? She knew her complex allowed a pet but wouldn’t her apartment be too small for such a big dog? He was right about 100 pounds according to his card. At least he was full grown and wouldn’t get any bigger. A hundred reasons flipped through her head as to why she shouldn’t even be considering what she was considering. Harley only sat there and kept staring at her silently, his tail continuing to wag steadily.

‘It’s the oddest sensation,’ she thought. The moment was not unlike when she walked into the campaign office in New Hampshire and inserted herself into Josh’s life, even though she was the least qualified person there. But just as she’d know then, she knew now that this was the right thing to do. She’d made it work then and she’d make it work now. Taking down his tag number she went to fill out and adoption application. Once she’d shown all her ID they told her it would take about three days to process her application. They would call her on Thursday and let her know the outcome. If they accepted her application she could come and pick him up Thursday afternoon.

As she walked out she went by his cage. He was sitting just as she’d left him. “I’ll be back to get you on Thursday, Harley.” As she said it, Harley seemed to relax a bit and he came forward toward the cage door. Donna came closer and reached her hand out. He sniffed it through the bars, licked it gently. Donna rubbed his nose gently. Then he laid down to patiently wait for Thursday. “I’ll be back,” she repeated to him. “I promise.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 17 - MATURE

“No, Sydney. That color would look terrible on you,” Sam told her. 

It was Wednesday afternoon, their second day of going through thrift shops and second-hand stores in Baltimore and they were almost done. Sam had been a huge help and a really great shopping partner. He was patient and didn’t whine about how soon they were leaving and he loved to give his opinion on what she was looking at or trying on. If they ever made a “Straight Eye for the Shopping Girl” version of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” Sam would be a shoe-in. Yesterday, using the money that Josh had collected and left in her top desk drawer, they’d concentrated on work clothes and had managed to fill out her wardrobe with a number of suits, dress pants, and blouses. Today they’d spent the morning concentrating on casual clothes, like jeans, t-shirts, a couple of casual dresses and some of the more accessory things like a jacket. Sam had also suggested she have at least one formal dress in case she needed to attend a function of some kind. Which is why they were scouring their current location, “The Second Time Around,” a second hand formal dress shop. Because of her padded body suit, there were very specific guidelines she had to have for a dress. Basically, it couldn’t show much, if any, skin. So far their search had been largely fruitless.

“Are you sure?” she said, looking longingly at the burgundy velvet shirt-waist dress.

“Yes. I’m positive,” he said. He leaned in and spoke quietly to her. “Don’t take this wrong either but it’s too small for you.”

Donna looked at him and then back to the dress. She’d been looking at it for herself and not for Sydney. Besides the size, Sydney’s coloring didn’t really go with the burgundy. It would have been perfect for Donna though. “Right,” she said, a little disheartened as she put it back on the rack.

She flipped through a couple more. “Sam, I just wanted to thank you for helping me out. I know there’s other stuff you could be doing, especially with you wanting to move your practice out here.”

Sam stood next to her. “There’s no place I’d rather be right now. I’m just glad I could help.”

She continued looking through the dresses, speaking almost as an afterthought. “Oh, you’ve been a huge help.” She paused. “I just wish you, and everyone else, didn’t have to put yourself out for me.”

He looked at her a minute, something beginning to tingle in the back of his head, “We’re not putting ourselves out. It’s just what friends do for each other.”

Pulling out a simple, high-neck long black dress she looked it over, “Oh, I know, Sam, you’re totally right. And I’m so incredibly thankful. I just hate that you guys have to clean up after me.”

The tingle got a little more intense. “What do you mean by that? You make it sound like this is all your fault. Like you had something to do with it.”

Donna walked over to a large mirror and held up the dress. It would work just fine. Simple but elegant with enough material to cover what needed to be covered. “Well, of course, it’s my fault,” she said, matter-of-factly. She turned a bit to see how the dress would look from the side.” What do you think of this one, Sam?”

“Um, it’s fine. Basic black is always good.” 

“Just what I was thinking. I’m going to go and try it on.” Without another word, she turned and headed for the dressing room.

Sam watched her go, a frown creasing his forehead. For some reason, he wasn’t entirely sure that Donna, Sydney, whoever, had been fully conscious of what she’d just said.

**********

She’d ended up taking the black dress and they were now back in Sam’s rental car, headed back for DC. “Can we go by a pet store on the way home?” she asked him. She’d told him about Harley the day before but had asked him not to tell Josh about her getting a dog because she wanted to surprise him. 

‘She’ll surprise him all right,’ Sam had thought at the time. 

He’d promised not to tell Josh, but he’d peppered her with the same questions that had gone through her head that day at the animal adoption center. She’d told him that she didn’t have all the answers but she was going to work it out. He’d just smiled at her, knowing that was exactly what she would do. That was a Donna trait if he’d ever heard one.

“Sure. I think there’s a large one in Bethesda we can stop at,” he told her. A silence fell between them for a moment, “Donna?”

“Hmm?” she said, looking out the window.

“What did you mean a little while ago when you said that what happened to you was your fault?”

She continued to look out the window at the scenery as he drove them back to DC. “Well, Sam, I would think that would be pretty obvious.”

“Okay, explain it to me like I haven’t had my Wheaties today.”

“Nothing to explain. What happened is my fault,” she said, her voice calm. She really wished they didn’t have to have this discussion but Sam seemed awfully intent on talking about it.

“Why do you say that?”

“Because it’s true. Mike told me they found evidence that the guy came in through the window I always left cracked open during the day.”

He glanced at her and then back at the road. “And that’s why you think it’s your fault? Because you left a window cracked open during the hottest month of the year?”

“Sure. If I’d kept it locked then he wouldn’t have gotten in.”

He still couldn’t believe what she was saying, “No, he would have just found another way in. Donna, it’s clear that your attack was not like some random purse snatching. Closing your window would not have made a difference.” In response, she was silent. “Donna?”

‘Just agree with him and he’ll drop it,’ she thought. “Fine, Sam, you’re right.”

“Gosh Donna, I can’t imagine why I don’t think you’re being sincere,” he told her.

She turned to look at him for the first time since they’d started this conversation. “Look, Sam, I appreciate what you’re saying but even if it wasn’t the window it would still be my fault. Just like it was my fault that other woman got killed. I should have been more careful. Something I did caught his attention and set him off,” she turned back toward the window. “He’s just another in the long line of gomers that I seem to attract. I should just paint the word ‘victim’ on my front door. Why are we stopping?” she asked as he slowly and carefully pulled the car over to the shoulder and stopped.

Sam turned to her. “You just said so many things I want to comment on I don’t know where to start.” He paused and tried to gather his words. “First of all, did you just compare being sexually assaulted and almost murdered to a...a...bad date?”

“That sounds about right,” she replied simply. She really wanted this conversation to be over.

He honestly didn’t know what to say to that, so he let it go for the moment. He was definitely going to have a long talk with Josh tonight. “And what did you mean when you said that it was your fault the other woman got killed?”

“I didn’t say that.” She thought that, but she hadn’t said it.

“Yes, you did,” he argued.

“No, I don’t believe I did,” she said, still sounding perfectly calm. Inside she was anything but. “Look, Sam can we just drop this please?”

“No, I don’t believe we can,” he said, almost mimicking her early words. “God, Donna are you so in love with Josh that you’re channeling his ability to feel guilty about everything too?” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. He wished he had a knife handy to cut out his tongue. “I’m sorry, Donna I didn’t mean that.”

“I don’t love, Josh,” she said quietly, looking back out the window. “Not the way you mean, anyway. I did once but that’s a non-issue now. He’s my best friend and that’s all he can ever be.”

He knew he should leave it alone but he just couldn’t. “Why?”

“Because I’m never going to be normal again, Sam. My LIFE is never going to be normal. Josh deserves someone who’s strong and not emotionally crippled.” She looked at him. “Don’t you get it? The attack took everything. Not just sex, but my memory and....” She laughed mirthlessly. “Even my identity,” she said, indicating her Sydney outfit. 

The laugh she’d made had cut right through his heart. “Donna...”

She continued, “And there are huge blocks of things I can’t seem to feel anymore, Sam. Things I don’t WANT to feel and never plan to feel again.”

He knew they were WAY outside of anything resembling an area he had any expertise in, but he couldn’t just let it drop. “Donna, it may feel like that right now, but it will get better. It’s only been a week and a half. Give yourself and what you feel for Josh some time.”

She looked back out the window and was quiet for a while. “It doesn’t matter anyway. What happened was my fault and nothing is going to change that. I should have done something I didn’t or I shouldn’t have done something I did. End of story.”

“Donna? Donna, look at me.” He waited until she turned back to him. “You need to listen to me now. Really listen. Nothing that happened was your fault. NOTHING. A serial rapist and murderer targeted you, assaulted you, and tried to kill you. You’re lucky to be alive.”

“Am I?” she said, quietly.

“Donna...”

“I’d like to go home now,” she said, tonelessly, turning back to the window. “I’m getting tired. I’ll go to the pet store tomorrow morning. I’m sure there’s one in Georgetown.”

Sam looked at her for a moment, or more precisely, the back of her head. Obviously she’d just closed the discussion. Putting the car back into drive, he carefully pulled back into traffic. 

‘Yeah,’ he thought. ‘I definitely need to have a long talk with Josh.’

**********

After a long, silent trip home, Sam pulled the car up in front of Donna’s building. As Donna hadn’t lost the ability to feel guilty, by the time they got there she felt largely terrible about her semi-argument with Sam. He’d been so great, the last thing she wanted to do was alienate him. “Sam,” Donna began. “I’m sorry about before. I know you’re just trying to be supportive and I appreciate it. Really I do. Just like I appreciate all the help you’ve been giving me since you got back into town. Next to Josh, you’re one of my best friends and I’m just....things are kind of weird for me right now. Please don’t be angry.”

He looked at her. Even though she had covered everything with make-up he knew that she was still battered and bruised and that most of her injuries went beyond the physical. They couldn’t be seen with the eye or on an X-ray or in an MRI. Her heart and her spirit had been damaged much more than her body. And they would take a lot longer to heal. “I was never angry, Donna. I just care about you and I’m worried about you. I wasn’t trying to upset you.”

“I know, Sam. I just don’t like to talk about what we were talking about and I get a little carried away.” She paused and with a smile, stuck out her hand, “So, whaddya say, friends again?”

He took her hand and shook it with a tight, sincere grip, “Friends always.”

**********

After Sam had helped her bring in all her purchases and then left, she stripped off Sydney, took a shower and started separating all her new clothes. The ones, like the suits, that had to go to the dry cleaners and the ones, like the jeans, that could be cleaned in her new washer and dryer. She smiled. Her washer and dryer. Well, it was the apartment’s washer and dryer, but it was close enough. Except for when she’d lived with her parents, she’d never lived somewhere where she’d had her own. She was just putting her second load of laundry in the washing machine when her cell phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Donna. It’s Abbey.”

“Oh, hello, Mrs. Bartlet. What can I do for you?”

“Not a thing but to tell me how you’re doing. It’s Wednesday and I haven’t checked in with you since you left the White House,” she said as she sat in her office.

“I’m doing fine, ma’am.”

“Okay, now that you’ve given me the standard, polite answer, how are you really feeling?”

“I really am doing all right, ma’am,” Donna answered.

Abbey sighed softly, she could see that Donna was going to be the kind of patient that you needed to give specific questions to. The open ended ones were just going to get standard pat answers. "How's your hip?"

"Fine, I've been changing the bandage every day. It's pretty well scabbed up."

“Good," Abbey replied. "Headaches?”

“Only one, Advil took care of it,” Donna answered.

“Nightmares?”

Donna paused. “One,” she had no plans to elaborate. She refused to think about it much less describe it. At least sleeping on the couch seemed to keep them at bay. After buying all her new clothes, she had just enough money left to get a new couch. She planned to go and get one right before she went to the pet store in the morning. 

“Is that also when you had your headache?”

“Yes.”

“Nausea? Vomiting?”

“Yes, to both.”

Abbey frowned at the monosyllabic answers, “Also just the one time?” There was a huge pause and Abbey’s frown deepened. “Donna?”

“Twice.”

“When?” The single word answers were starting to annoy Abbey on one level and greatly concern her on another.

“Once after the nightmare. Once the next morning.”

“What happened the next morning?” Abbey asked her. 

“I saw that another woman had been murdered,” she answered in a rush.

“Oh, I see,” Abbey replied quietly. Jed had told her about that and the fact that Mike Casper and the DC police, contrary to what they were saying publicly, believed that the second murder was related to Donna’s attack. “Have you been taking all your medication?” Abbey asked, trying to move on.

“Yeah, just like clockwork. It’s a good thing you put those dots on the bottles or I’d never keep them straight,” Donna said, trying to keep up her end of the conversation.

“I’m glad it helped,” she paused for a moment. It was on the tip of her tongue to ask when Donna was going to start seeing a therapist, but she felt like she’d already given Donna the 3rd degree so decided to save it for another time. “So how’s your new apartment?”

Now here was a subject Donna didn’t mind talking about. “It’s terrific. Josh and CJ really picked a nice one. Actually ‘nice’ doesn’t even begin to cover it. I wish you could see it. Sam moved all my things over here from my old apartment. He even unpacked for me.” She paused for a moment. “Oh, Mrs. Bartlet, I haven’t had a chance to send out thank you cards yet, but I wanted to thank you and the President for the money and the coffee table and the end tables. They were perfect.”

Abbey was glad to finally hear some life in her voice. “I’m so glad you like them. How did your shopping with Sam go?”

“Terrific,” Donna said with a smile. “He’s my new favorite shopping partner next to CJ. We got everything from jeans, to suits, to a formal gown. It’s a good thing I have a new, decent sized closet because between my clothes and Sydney’s I’ve got enough clothes for four people.”

“Why am I not surprised that Sam Seaborn is good at shopping?” Abbey said with a smile.

“He has great taste,” Donna told her.

“Has anything else been happening this week?”

“OH! I’m getting a new roommate,” Donna said with a smile.

Abbey frowned. She figured the last thing that Donna would want was a roommate. Plus she thought that Sam told her that Donna’s new apartment was only a one bedroom. “Oh, tell me about her?”

Donna grinned at the sound of Abbey’s trepidation, but kept her voice neutral. “Oh, it’s not a ‘her.’ It’s a ‘him’ and he’s got brown hair and big brown eyes.”

There was a long pause from the other end of the phone, “You mean Josh?”

“No. Not Josh.”

Abbey was completely confused and wondering if she should be concerned, but she sensed that something was up, “Who’s the mystery man, Donna?”

She decided it probably wasn’t a good idea to tease the First Lady too much, “His name is Harley and he’s a chocolate lab, I should be able to pick him up from Animal Control tomorrow,” she said, letting her excitement into her voice.

“Really? You’re getting a dog? That’s great.” Abbey said. Actually it wasn’t a bad idea at all. Other than the obvious protection aspect of having a dog the size of a lab, pets were often a great tool in treating emotional trauma. They were sources of unconditional love. It would probably be just the thing Donna needed. “Does your apartment complex allow pets?”

“Yes. The only thing I’m worried about is what to do with him while I’m at work. With the hours that Josh has me keep usually, it really wouldn’t be fair to keep Harley locked up in my apartment while I’m gone, plus he'll need to go out and do his business at some point during the day too. I guess I’ll have to hire a dog walker or something. It’s just too bad though.”

“What is?” Abbey asked her.

“Now that I’m so close to the White House, I was planning on walking to work and I’d love to be able to take him with me. In addition to being good exercise for him, it would be nice to have him with me if I had to walk home after dark,” Donna told her. “What I really need is some kind of 24 hour ‘doggy daycare.’”

Abbey chuckled. “Yeah, too bad they don’t have something....” she trailed off, the seed of an idea forming in her head. 

“Mrs. Bartlet?” Donna prompted.

Abbey grinned. “Donna, I think I may have a solution for you. And if I say so myself it is brilliant.”

“What?” Donna asked, getting a bit excited. She had yet to hear of Abbey Bartlet ever having a bad idea.

“Well, it occurs to me that the Secret Service uses a small group of dogs to patrol the White House and because of it they maintain a small kennel right here on the grounds. I bet they’d have a spare kennel pen that you could use. And since the Secret Service works even longer hours that you guys do, time wouldn’t be a factor. I bet they’d even take care of Harley if you had to go out of town because of work.”

A bit of excitement welled up in Donna, “Oh, Mrs. Bartlet, that would be perfect. Do you really think they really would do it?”

“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, I have a little pull around here. I’ll speak to Ron myself, first thing tomorrow. If he’s balks we can just make Jed co-adopt Harley. That way he’d be the First Dog and Ron will have to make sure he’s looked after,” Abbey finished with a bit of a smirk in her voice.

A huge lump lodged itself in Donna’s throat. She managed to swallow around it. “Thank you, Mrs. Bartlet. You’ve been...” her voice caught as the lump returned. Donna took a breath and swallowed again. “You’ve been so kind to me I don’t know how I’ll ever repay you and the President.”

Abbey smiled into the phone, “We don’t want you to repay us, Donna. Just be happy. That’s all we ask.”

**********

Josh paid the fare and stood back as the cab drove away. After having a rather enlightening conversation with Sam in his office and to throw off anyone that might be watching, he'd driven home, changed into a fairly non-descript pair of jeans, t-shirt and a plain baseball cap and called a cab to take him over to Donna's. Actually she lived so close to him now, he could have probably just walked but he wanted to get over there as soon as possible. It was already late. He'd gotten caught in a meeting with the President and Leo concerning a crisis in China that lasted until almost 10 and then he'd found Sam in his office. By the time they'd finished talking and Josh had gone home to change, it was after 11. He could have waited until the next day but if Sam was right, he and Donna had a lot talk about. It sounded like she was only a few steps from falling in the hole he was so familiar with. 

Jogging up the front steps of her building, he rang the buzzer for her apartment and waited, but no response was forthcoming so he tried again. And again, he got no response. Getting a bit worried, he used the code that Sam had given him to get into the foyer. Climbing the stairs to the second floor, he resisted the urge to race to her door, managing instead to walk with measured steps. 'How could she possibly blame herself for what happened?' he wondered. ‘There was nothing she could have done.’ Stopping in front of her door, he took a breath and knocked.

Donna laid on her side on the couch, sound asleep. It seemed to be about the only comfortable position for her on the old, lumpy piece of furniture. A lamp on the end table burned low and the TV was on but the sound was muted. The day had really worn her out and she'd been so deeply asleep she hadn't heard the downstairs buzzer and even the sound of someone knocking on her front door really hadn't pulled her out of the heavy sleep she was immersed in. In the end, it had been Josh's voice softly calling her, well, calling Sydney, that had made her stir.

"Josh, go away. I'm still sleeping," she mumbled into her pillow. "I don't have the McCafferty file." Then she heard him call Sydney's name again and her eyes slid open. "Josh?" she said in sleepy confusion. Looking around, her eyes fell on the VCR clock. It was almost midnight. 'What could he want so late?' she wondered. 'I'm not even working for him at the moment and he knows he's not supposed to be seen here.' His knocking became a little more urgent and she hauled herself up off the couch to answer the door before he woke the neighbors. 

"I'm coming," she called. That seemed to stop his insistent knocking. Checking through to peep hole to make sure it was him, she disarmed the alarm system and unlocked the door. Since she didn't have "Sydney" on, she stood behind the door as she opened it. “Come in,” she said.

Josh walked in and she closed and locked the door behind him but didn’t reset the alarm. There would have been a time when her heart would have taken a dizzying leap in her chest at seeing him show up at her apartment in the middle of the night wearing what he was wearing. The t-shirt set off his toned biceps and the well-worn jeans encased his legs and the best butt in politics like a lover’s caress. The baseball cap, not so much. Besides hiding his hair, a hat also hid his face a bit which would have been unacceptable. But now all she managed was a combination of curiosity, irritation and pleasant surprise that he was standing in her apartment at midnight.

“Josh, what are you doing here? I thought you weren’t supposed to come over? At least not until you and ‘Sydney’ work together for at least a little while,” she said, trying to rub the sleep out of her eyes.

“Yeah,” he said, pulling off his cap and hanging it on the coat rack by the door. “I needed to talk to you about some things.” He walked over to the couch to sit down but stopped when he saw the condition it was in. It was made up like someone was sleeping there...all the time. It even had sheets and a pillow.

“Donna, why are you sleeping on the couch and not your new bed?” he asked her. 

Too late she realized that in her sleepy condition, she’d left evidence of her all the time couch sleeping laying out for anyone to see. “I’m not sleeping on the couch, I just hadn’t gone to bed yet,” she tried to lie. “I was watching TV and fell asleep.” Well, it wasn’t a complete lie. The TV had been on when she fell asleep. She hadn’t exactly been watching it but that still qualified in her mind.

He looked at her, his suspicion clearly written on his face, “What about the sheets? Looks like someone made up the couch like a bed.”

She considered saying that one of her friends was crashing on her couch, but it was such a big, fat lie, she just couldn’t get the words out of her mouth. Besides, he knew all her friends and he would have called her on it. So she just decided to not say anything.

He stood there and watched her with a mix of love, suspicion and concern. She looked so pleasantly rumpled and cute in her grey sweatpants and a Harvard t-shirt he was sure was one of his, that he wanted to hug her. But it wasn’t a hugging moment. It was a ‘keep Donna from falling in the hole’ moment.

“Donna?” he said gently. “What’s going on?”

She smiled innocently and had no idea that it looked completely false. “Nothing. I don’t know what you mean.”

Josh walked over and sat down in her new living room chair. Maybe it was time to try another avenue. “I had a very interesting conversation with Sam tonight.” He let that drop to see what happened.

Wow, she hadn’t seen that coming. Sam had ratted her out to Josh. She couldn’t believe it. For a moment she wondered just exactly what Sam had told him. But she’d worked around enough lawyers to know when to keep her mouth shut. “Oh?”

“Yeah. He tells me he in turn had a very interesting conversation with you today while you were shopping,” he said, watching her as she came around and sat down in the middle of the couch.

“Well, Sam and I talked about a lot of things today,” she told him.

“Did they include the fact that you blame yourself for the attack?” He watched as she twisted a corner of the sheet in her hand but remained silent. “Donna?” he began gently. “Do you blame yourself for what happened?”

“Josh, I really don’t want to have this discussion with you,” she said.

“I’m sure you don’t, but we’re going to have it anyway.”

“Why?” she said, standing up to pace a bit. She unconsciously put the couch between them. “What difference does it make? It changes nothing.”

He got up and went over to her. “It makes a HUGE difference, Donna, because it’s NOT your fault. Not by any stretch of the imagination is it remotely your fault. Open window or no open window there was nothing you could have done.”

“You don’t know that,” she said. “Maybe I should have fought harder against him....”

“You were unconscious, Donna!”

“Was I?”

He hadn’t been expecting that answer, “Weren’t you?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. Just because I can’t remember doesn’t mean I wasn’t awake. I should have done something. Before, during, after. Something.”

“Donna,” he said, slowly and carefully putting his hands on her shoulders and looking directly into her eyes. “You did do something.”

She looked skeptical. “What?”

“You lived. He meant to kill you but you beat him. Don’t you see, Donna, you survived.”

She wasn’t ready to hear the words and they fell on deaf ears. “Well, bully for me. That took a lot of effort on my part. Fat lot of good that did, Kelly Gibbs.”

“Kelly Gibbs?” he asked, baffled.

“His second victim.” They had released her name a couple of hours earlier.

Sam had told him how he thought Donna blamed herself for the second victim but Josh and Sam had been unable to figure why she could possibly think that. “So now you’re responsible for her death too? Just how did you come to that conclusion?” 

Her words were very soft and if he hadn’t been standing so close to her, he wouldn’t have heard them. “Because I can’t remember. Maybe if I’d remembered I could have given the police and the FBI some help so they would have caught him already.”

Slowly, he put his arms around her and pulled her closer into him, He felt her cheek resting on his shoulder and her weight had shifted to lean her against him slightly but she hadn’t raised her arms to hug him in return. “Oh, Donna,” he said with a soft sigh. His heart was breaking for her. “It’s not your fault you can’t remember. You didn’t ask to have a head injury or to forget. It just happened that way. No one blames you,” he paused. “If Kelly were alive today, I’m sure she’d tell you the same thing.”

Once again, her voice was soft, “Why should she die when I get to live, Josh?”

He tightened his hold on her. “I don’t know Donna. I just don’t know. Maybe it’s as simple as that old saying about it not being your time to go. Maybe you still have things to do with your life.” ‘Like spend it with me,’ he thought. He released her a bit, “I know I for one am happy you lived. I need you. Very much and I’m sorry if I don’t tell you that often enough. After all, who else is going to keep me in line?”

“CJ,” Donna answered

“Okay, yes she would do that but she wouldn’t do it with nearly the same style and the, you know, useless trivia that you’ve got going for you.” They were quiet for a moment. He knew that he was not a therapist and he knew that he wasn’t going to be able to solve her problems all by himself. He supposed he just came over there that night, to do what he could. He hoped that with a good therapist, time and patience they would solve them together. “So now are you going to tell me why you’re sleeping on the couch?” He paused. “Don’t you like the bed? Isn’t it comfortable?”

She looked at him for a moment, “Oh, no. I love the bed. It’s the most beautiful bed I’ve ever had and it’s very comfortable.”

“So you have tried sleeping in it?” She nodded. “Then why the couch? I though you said it was lumpy and uncomfortable.”

“It is,” she paused, then spoke quietly again. “But ever since my nightmare after the interview, I haven’t been able to sleep in a bed.”

He frowned. That didn’t sound good. “Why? What happens?”

“Either I can’t fall asleep at all, I have a feeling of suffocating or I have terrible nightmares,” she replied.

“What about those nights that I slept on the couch in your room in the Residence? You didn’t have them then,” he pointed out.

“That’s because I didn’t sleep.” She hoped he wasn’t going to be mad.

“What do you mean?”

“I waited until you were asleep on the couch and then I would lie in bed and read. Then I would sleep during the morning until it was time for you to come up at lunch and then in the afternoon until dinner.” She paused again, “The last time I peacefully slept in a bed was when you stayed with me after my nutty when I saw my hip,” she finished quietly, unable to meet his eyes.

“Donna?” he spoke softly to her. “Donna, look at me.” After a moment she did. “You’re my best friend and if you don’t tell me the truth, I can’t help you or be a friend back to you.” Gently, he raised his hand to her battered cheek. “You’re always so strong, Donnatella. But sometimes it takes the most strength to ask for help. To know when you need help and be willing an able to ask for it.” He brushed his thumb over her cheek with a feather touch. “Let me help you.”

“How?” she wanted to know.

“Well, how about I stay here tonight and see if we can get you sleeping in a bed again?”

“Oh, Josh. I don’t know. What if someone found out? It wouldn’t look right. I don’t want you or the President to get in trouble.,” she said. Outwardly that’s how she felt. Inwardly, she wanted Josh to stay more than ever. She always felt safe when he was there.

“It will be okay. I promise. I’ll leave really early and then go home and change before I have to go to work. Do you remember how many times after Rosslyn you stayed with me to help me get back to sleep after a nightmare?”

“More than I can count,” she replied.

“Exactly. Well, just call this the collection of an old debt.” He paused, “Now go and set the security alarm and take everything that you need into the bedroom while I call Sam.”

“Okay,” she replied.

A little while later Josh hung up with Sam and walked into the bedroom. ‘What the hell am I doing?’ he thought. He was planning to sleep with the woman he was in love with and all they were going to do was sleep. He found Donna standing by the window, deep in thought.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked her softly.

“Just what you said earlier about not dying because I still have something or some things to accomplish or finish. I was just wondering what it was.”

“Donna?”

“Hmmm?” she replied absently, still thinking.

“It’s like 1 a.m. Can we go to sleep now?” he asked, in a tone not unlike a slightly cranky child.

Donna nodded and slid between the sheets. Josh pulled the covers up to her chin and then toed off his shoes and stretched out next to her on top of the covers. He held his arms open and she snuggled into them. They laid there for a few moments. “Donna?”

“Yes?” she said, her voice already taking on the sound of ‘Sleepy Donna?’

“I think it might be a good idea if you talked about the assault with someone who knows what they’re talking about and how to help you best,” he told her.

Donna nodded slightly against his chest. “I heard from Dr. Jan Todd today. She’s the psychiatrist the rape crisis center at the hospital put in charge of my case. I made an appointment to talk to her on Wednesday of next week.”

“Good,” he told her, feeling a little better now that she was going to get someone to help her. “Now go to sleep, I’ll be right here.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 18 - MATURE

“You know, CJ, this would be a lot easier if you’d give us a straight answer,” Danny told her as he, Katie and Chris walked through the northwest lobby with her Thursday morning. CJ avoided glancing at the new Secret Service agent now stationed at the door going into the bullpen. Danny and the two other reporters weren’t stupid and this had to look good.

CJ stopped in the hall outside Josh’s office door, which was closed and turned to face them. Donna’s ‘old’ desk, which was now minus all her personal effects was off to their left. CJ slid her hand in her pocket and pressed the button on her phone to send Josh the message. “But Danny, if I give the three of you a straight answer, not only am I not doing my job, but I’m depriving you the pleasure of doing yours,” she said with a grin.

Katie spoke up, “But, CJ, all we want to know is where the President stands on the long term ramifications of the Chinese.....”

“I SWEAR TO GOD, JOSH, IF YOU GO THOUGH ONE MORE ASSISTANT I’M GOING TO ROAST YOU ON A SPIT AND FEED YOU TO THE REPUBLICANS ON THE SOUTH LAWN!” Leo’s voice boomed out from inside Josh’s office.

“BUT LEO!”

The three reporters looked markedly at CJ. “Sorry guys,” she said, apologetically. “Why don’t we go in my office and we can talk about...” 

“What else do you want me to do, Josh?!? I’m sorry about Donna, but she’s gone and you have to accept it and move on and stop pissing off every assistant that personnel sends you! They told me that the next time you chase off an assistant, they’re going to give you Margaret! MARGARET! And do you know why? Because she’s the only one who said she’d be willing to put up with you!” 

“I don’t WANT Margaret!” They heard Josh reply.

Leo went on as if Josh hadn’t spoken, “JOSH, DO YOU HAVE ANY CONCEPT OF JUST HOW UNHAPPY I’M GOING TO BE IF THEY FORCE ME TO GIVE UP MY ASSISTANT OF 15 YEARS?” he roared.

“But Leo, the assistants they sent me were incompetent!” Josh yelled back.

“NO, Josh! They were not incompetent, they just weren’t Donna!” There was a pause. “So when your next assistant shows up on Monday you will be nice, you will be pleasant, and you will see to it that she absolutely does not QUIT! Do I make myself clear?”

There was a huge silence from inside the office.

Danny looked at CJ. “CJ, how’s Josh doing?”

CJ looked at all three of them, “Off the record?” The three reporters nodded. “He’s....adjusting to life without Donna. Before she joined the campaign he had a history of going through assistants like tissue paper. Donna was the first one he'd had for any length of time,” she told them sincerely. Although she was pretty sure that his new assistant, the one that was showing up on Monday and was named “Sydney” was going to be around a while, too.

Just then, Josh’s door opened and Leo stepped out. He closed the door behind him but not before the three reporters had a clear view of Josh sitting at his desk with his head in his hands.

“Oh, hey, CJ,” Leo said. “Hey Danny, ladies.”

“Hey, Leo,” Danny replied. “How’s it going?” 

“Good, Danny. Um, CJ, can I see you in my office for a minute?”

“Sure, Leo. Let me just answer a question I got from the Three Musketeers here and I’ll be right there.”

“Okay. Oh, can you grab Toby and bring him with you?”

“Sure.”

“Thanks,” Leo told her. Then he turned and headed for his office.

CJ turned back to the waiting reporters. Her work there was done. “Come on, guys, let’s go back to the Press Room and I’ll give you an answer to your question.”

**********

Five minutes later, CJ, now minus her entourage of reporters but with Toby in tow, walked into Leo's office and closed the door. Josh was leaning against one of the side walls.

"Well, did they buy it?" Leo asked as soon as CJ had the door shut.

CJ's expression flipped from grim to a grin, "You better believe they bought it. The two of you gave an Oscar winning performance." She turned to Josh. "And you, with the 'your head in your hands' thing. That was a very nice touch."

Josh grinned slightly and walked over to Leo's desk. He picked up a small decorative globe and turned to them. "I’d like to thank the Academy," he deadpanned.

CJ snorted in response. "Josh, why do we put up with you? You have an ego the size of Utah." 

"Oh, I'll have to work on that," Josh replied. "I must be slipping. Donna's always telling me that it's the size of Texas." 

"How is Donna?" Toby asked quietly.

Josh set the globe carefully back down on the desk. As the "I'm your first call" woman, he'd considered telling CJ that he'd innocently, platonically spent the night at Donna's and since she'd slept peacefully until early this morning when he'd left, probably would be doing so a couple more nights but he just wasn't ready to share it. He'd already sworn Sam to secrecy. He didn't want people to know that Donna was struggling. He knew that she liked people to think she was doing fine. So while he helped her, he'd protect her at the same time.

"Good. I talked to her last night." Well, it was true. He was just forgetting to mention that is was in person. "She loves the apartment and has been getting used to running errands and shopping as 'Sydney.'" He grinned. "She said Sam is almost a better shopping partner than you CJ."

"WHAT?!" she asked, horrified. "Did she say why?"

"Something about the fact that if she sees something she wants she doesn't have to worry about fighting you for it if you like it too." 

"Oh, well, she does have a point there. Maybe I should take Spanky with me the next time I go shopping," CJ replied.

"The next time I see Sam I think I'll just suggest he give up being a lawyer altogether," Toby remarked. "It sounds like it would be much more lucrative for him to be, you know, a personal shopper."

"You will do no such thing, Toby," CJ said. "You promised Donna you would leave Sam alone about the shopping thing. Am I going to have to squeal on you?"

"Not unless you want me to start calling you names like stool pigeon. Stoolie. Rat fink. Snitch. I can go on," Toby told her.

"I really wish you wouldn't," CJ replied.

"All I'm saying is that apparently Sam's talents were wasted when he was working at the White House and writing speeches for the President of the United States. Obviously what he should have been doing was helping little old ladies shop for a dress to wear to their granddaughter’s wedding."

CJ just looked at him pointedly. "Wow, Toby. Do you realize that you said that whole thing without taking a breath?"

"Oh, would you two knock it off," Leo replied. He turned back to Josh. "So are you and Donna or should I say 'Sydney,' ready for your little sparring matches next week?"

"She and I are going to work on it this weekend," he said. "On the phone," he amended when he got a odd look from CJ.

"That reminds me, Josh, I wanted to talk to her about some of the timing for that. You have any idea what her schedule for today is?"

"Well, I think anytime this morning would be fine. She had some mysterious errand to do this afternoon that she wouldn't tell me about," Josh said with a little frown. As hard as he'd tried to get it out of her, she wouldn't tell him. She’d been smiling when she refused to tell him so he figured it was probably not something to worry about. He was going over there after work and take her dinner since actual cooking was still kind of a challenge for her with her arm still in a sling. She promised him he'd find out where she'd been all afternoon when they had dinner. 'What could she be up to?' he wondered.

**********

Donna, dressed as “Sydney,” signed the bottom of the form and handed over a check for the fee. The young woman, her name tag said Emily, took the form and the check and looked them both over. With a nod, she signed and stamped the form. She looked up at Donna and smiled. “Congratulations,” she said. “I’ll have him brought out.” Picking up the phone on her desk, she spoke to someone on the other end, gave them Harley’s tag number and then hung up. “Oh, while you’re waiting, let me give you a couple things. She laid a packet on the counter for Donna. ”This is all of Harley’s health and vaccination records and his general history.” Then she reached under the desk and pulled out a very small envelope. "And this is his new dog license. Be sure he wears it at all times."

Donna slid the packet into her purse. She would need all the information when she took Harley to the vet tomorrow for a check-up. Then she pulled the new leash that she’d bought earlier that morning out of her purse. It was bright red, made from heavy duty nylon, and matched the new collar that she had attached to it. The collar already had a shiny brass tag hanging from it with Harley's name on it. Holding the collar in the hand of her injured arm, she carefully worked the license onto the same ring with his name tag. The two clinked together slightly and made a light, tinkling sound. Just then a door opened onto the waiting room and a young man walked out leading Harley.

The large brown dog was walking calmly enough but when he saw Donna he broke free and charged toward her. Now, most people would have been scared if they saw a large dog running flat out toward them. But Donna wasn’t a bit scared. Kneeling down, she smiled at him. As he approached her, Harley tried to slow down but the floor was linoleum to make it easy to clean and for a dog whose paws and nails are really made for running on the ground, it was like running on ice. It was just not conducive to stopping; instead, he merely skidded the rest of the way and plowed into a waiting Donna.

Luckily, Donna had gotten the hang of putting on her 'Sydney' wig. It wasn't just something she simply pinned on. She used a special adhesive on the skin along her hairline to hold it in place. It apparently did the job because her wig stayed in place as the rest of her hit the floor. The padded suit helped cushion her fall since it also had padding in the seat. Then suddenly she was being smothered in dog kisses which made her laugh hard enough that she didn't mind that he was smearing her carefully applied make-up, knocking her fake glasses askew or causing a twinge in her injured arm because he was pressing against it. 

"Okay, Harley. Good boy. That's enough," she managed between licks. Harley instantly stopped and sat his butt down. Panting heavily after his exertion, he waited for her to sit up.

"I think he likes you," the young handler said with a grin.

"Yeah, I guess he does," she said with a chuckle, straightening her glasses. She was a little surprised but pleased to see how well he minded. "Good boy, Harley," she said, patting him on the head and scratching him behind the ears. "Now, stay," she told him. Someone she'd managed to keep a hold of his new collar and leash in all the excitement. Sliding off the rope lead the handler had Harley on, she slid his new collar into place and buckled it. "There now, handsome, how's that?" He gave her another good lick in response.

"You're a kisser aren't you?" she said to him with another chuckle. Holding onto his leash she let the handler help her up. "Thanks," she said. After making sure she hadn't dropped anything or left anything behind, she looked down at Harley. "You ready to go, boy?" In response, he stood up and looked up at her expectantly, his tail wagging furiously. She smiled down at him, "Good, let's go home."

**********

After finding a cab who would take her and Harley, for an extra $20, they’d gotten back to the apartment and gone for a short walk so Harley could do his business and get to know the neighborhood. Then they’d gone back to the apartment where she’d shed Sydney, which Harley didn’t even seem to notice, and she let Harley explore his new home. Her apartment was now clearly the domain of someone with a pet. Besides the pet bed that was laying on the living room floor at the end of the couch, there was also one in the bedroom. Harley's leash now hung beside her purse on the front coat rack. She'd already cleared the lower part of her pantry and refilled it with the dog food, treats and chew toys she'd gotten him.

"I don't suppose I could talk you into lying one of the nice new comfy beds I got you rather than the couch, could I?" Donna said, as the two of them sat on the couch in her apartment later on that afternoon.

Harley's response to her question was fairly succinct. He rolled over on his back and wiggled like he either had an itch or was in the equivalent of doggy heaven, complete with play growling, wagging tail and big pink tongue hanging sideways out of his mouth.

Donna smiled at him, "Yeah, that's what I thought," she reached over and rubbed his exposed belly. When she hit a certain spot his back right foot began to bob up and down. "Ooo, did I hit the spot, huh, did I?" she said, rubbing it a bit more. Now he was DEFINITELY in doggy heaven. "Okay, that's enough," she said with a smile and she patted his stomach a final time. Harley, sensing play time was over, rolled back onto his stomach and watched her. "Now, let's see what we can find here in your history. Why would anyone want to give you up?" She asked him out loud. He scooted a little closer to her and laid his head on her knee.

Pulling the paperwork out she began to read. Harley had been adopted as a puppy by a man in his mid-30's. He'd apparently been a good owner but had died suddenly in a terrible car accident. "Oh, I'm sorry boy," she said, gently stroking his soft snout. "You lost your owner didn't you? That's so sad." She went back to reading, her hand gently stroking his head as she did. Beside, Harley, the only family the man had were his elderly parents, who were unable to care for a dog, especially one Harley's size. Harley had been at the shelter about two months before Donna spotted him. It was noted on the form that the only reason the shelter thought he might not get adopted was because of his size and the fact that he was almost 2 years old. Most people wanted a small dog or at the very least a puppy. Both of which excluded him.

Donna looked down at him. "Well, who wants a puppy?" she asked him, patting him on the head. "Sure they're cute but you've got to house train them and they chew up anything that isn't nailed down and you never know how big they're going to get." She read on. 

Next there was a small section on the kinds of tricks he'd apparently been taught. According to the parents of Harley’s previous owner and the vet, in addition to being leash trained and house broken, he could sit, stay, shake hands, lay down, roll over, fetch, and catch a Frisbee. “Wow, boy. You’re really talented. No wonder you behaved so well at the shelter. We’ll have to try out some of those tricks when I take you out for a walk later.” She went back to reading the rest of the form. The final comments were mostly about his health, which had been excellent, and his vaccinations, which were up-to-date. 

She looked at her watch, Josh would be there soon. “Well, Harley, what do you think? Should you be waiting for him when he comes in or should I have you hide and surprise him?” Harley only cocked his head and looked at her. “Okay, I’m thinking I’ll have you sitting there when I open the door. Oh, but one thing, Harley.” She leaned down to him. “I don’t think Josh is going to appreciate being run over like I did so you might just want to sit still and let him come to you. He’s not really much for animals so you might need to do some wooing to win him over.” 

Harley just sat there and looked at her intently like he was really understanding what she was saying. Then he leaned over and licked her. Donna laughed and wiped her nose, “Okay, you might want to hold off on kissing him too.”

**********

Josh jogged up the front walk carrying bags of Chinese food. Setting one of the bags down he rang the bell. He could have used the code but he wanted to let Donna control things as much as possible. He turned his face up toward the camera and waved so she could see it was him. He heard the lock click open and entering the foyer, he made his way up to her apartment.

It had been a long day, made longer by the prep and the execution of the little ‘scene’ with Leo for the benefit of the press and making “Sydney’s” appearance more plausible. There was also the fact that the days had been long ever since Donna had been gone. Although he’d seen her almost everyday since the attack it still wasn’t the same. He missed working with her and seeing her all the time. Working with Sydney was going to be interesting. And not necessarily in a good way. It would be Donna, of course, but for a while at least it was going to be different. Beside the little ‘scenes’ they were going to be having, which both intrigued and worried him, he wouldn’t be able to talk to her, banter with her, touch her the way they used to. The rhythm between them would be very different, at least at work when others were around.

Shoving that idea away for now, he arrived at her door and knocked. He could have sworn he heard Donna’s voice and it sounded like she was shushing someone. Before he had time to think anymore about that the door opened. As he expected, he didn’t see her when the door opened. Since she usually didn’t wear ‘Sydney’ when she was home, she’d stand behind the door so no one in the hall could see who she really was. However, this time there was something standing, or more accurately, sitting, in the usually empty open doorway. A rather large brown dog. Josh didn’t know what to say. “Hi,” he finally said. The dog only continued to look at him. “How ya doing?” he paused. “What am I doing?” he mumbled. “I’m asking a dog how he’s doing. What’s he going to do, answer me?”

“Well, are you going to stand out in the hall all night or are you coming in?” her heard Donna’s voice ask from behind the door.

“Is Cujo going to let me?” he said, eyeing the large dog skeptically.

“Oh, he won’t hurt you,” she replied.

The dog continued to look at him intently, “Does HE know that?”

“Josh. Would you just come in. I’m sure whatever you brought for dinner is getting cold.”

‘Okay, but if I have to fend him off with your carton of sweet and sour chicken it’s not my fault.” Josh took a step forward and the dog stayed quietly where he was. Getting a little more bold, Josh stepped into the apartment and around him. The dog’s eyes followed him but his body stayed rooted to the floor.

Donna closed the door. “Well, what do you think?” she asked with a grin.

Josh looked from her to the dog and then back to her, “I think it’s a dog.”

“Way to state the obvious, Josh. What do you think about said dog? Whose name is Harley by the way.”

“As in the motorcycle?” Josh replied, looking back down at him.

“I would assume.”

“When did you get a dog?” he asked her.

“Today. But I applied to adopt him on Monday. I would have told you sooner but I wanted to surprise you.”

“Well, you succeeded,” he replied.

Her face fell a bit, “You mean you don’t like him?”

“Now I didn’t say that at all. I just said you succeeded in surprising me.” 

“So you do like him?” she said hopefully. “He does tricks and everything.”

“I’ve known him for like 2 minutes, Donna. I don’t really know from dogs. I never had one as a kid and as I got older I never had the time or the space for one. At this point I’m just glad you didn’t get a cat.”

“Actually I had planned on getting a cat but I saw him first.”

Josh looked down at Harley, who’d remained in the same place during their entire exchange but, like someone watching a tennis match, his head had been going back and forth between them as each of them spoke. “Well, if he kept you from getting a cat, then he’s already made himself useful and that’s a point in his favor. Good boy,” he said patting Harley on the head.

“Josh,” she said, slightly annoyed at his reasoning.

“Okay, look. Just let me get used to him a little. Ask me again tomorrow, I’ll have a much better idea of what he’s like then. Is that fair?” Actually, now that he’d had a moment to process the idea, it wasn’t such a bad one for her to have a dog. The protection aspect of a dog as big as Harley was a big benefit and the companionship aspect was another. Someone with Donna’s sensitive heart would love to have an animal to take care of and it would help her in that respect as well. 

Donna thought a moment and then nodded. “So what did you bring me for dinner?”

He held up the bags with a grin, “Wong’s Imperial Palace.”

“Oh, with their butterfly shrimp and pot stickers?” she said, taking a bag from him and heading into the kitchen.

“Yep, and shrimp with snow peas, sweet and sour chicken, beef and broccoli, and, as always, your favorite, kung-pao chicken,” he said following right behind her. Harley stood up and trotted after them. He could smell the food and wanted to be ready if any were to ‘accidentally’ fall on the floor.

“God, Josh, you brought enough to feed an army,” she commented as she started taking things out of the bags.

“So you’ll have leftovers. You’ve got tomorrow and the weekend before you have to go back to work, this way you can just reheat what we don’t eat tonight,” he told her.

“Well that’s a good point,” she said, getting down two plates. “You don’t get any young man, I just fed you your dinner,” she told Harley who was sitting in the small archway connecting the kitchen and the dining room area watching them expectantly.

“So,” Josh said, as he filled up his plate. “Can I ask you a couple of things about your new...roommate?”

“Sure,” she said, as she filled her own plate.

He sat down at the table, “What are you going to do with him when you’re at work? I mean as much as I hate cats at least they can have a litter box and don’t need to be walked.”

She smiled at him, “Ah, yes I’ve worked that out. The Sisterhood, and by that I mean me and Mrs. Bartlet, worked out a plan.”

“Now I’m scared,” Josh said. He looked down at Harley who was sitting next to him, his doggy face begging for some little tasty morsel. Josh did his best to ignore the look but it was damn hard. “Harley, you should know right now that whenever the Sisterhood gets together, it’s a good idea for the Brotherhood to be somewhere else. Oh, and since you’ve got the right equipment, that means you,” Josh told him, taking a bite of his shrimp and snow peas.

“Don’t listen to him Harley. The Sisterhood always likes to have a good looking male around. Even the canine kind.” She patted him on the head. “And, Josh, don’t be teaching my dog all of your bad habits.”

“What bad habits? I only speak the truth,” he replied.

“Well, that’s open to debate.”

“Yes, Donna and I am a master in debate,” he said with a grin as he put another forkful of kung-pao chicken in his mouth. “So what’s this great plan you and the First Lady have cooked up?” he asked.

“Don’t talk with you mouth full, you’ll set a bad example for Harley,” she said.

“Yeah, because dogs have to worry about table manners or talking with their mouth full. You’ll be lucky if he just doesn’t try to lick himself and eat at the same time.”

“Josh! That wasn’t very nice.”

“Again, I was just speaking the truth,” he replied.

“You have an interesting view of the truth.”

“So I’ve been told. Now tell me your plan. ” He said with a grin, loving the fact that they seemed to be bantering again. If he had Harley to thank for it then that was another point in the dog’s favor.

“Oh, I forgot to get out the soy sauce,” she said, getting up from the table. “Well, see I was talking to Mrs. Bartlet and I told her how much I’d like to be able to walk to work and take Harley with me so I didn’t have to leave him at home all day or get a dog walker or anything but I didn’t know what to do with him once I got to the White House,” she said as she dug through the refrigerator for the sauce.

“Yeah, for some reason, I don’t think Leo would be really understanding about Harley sitting by your desk in the bull pen.” He looked down at the dog, who was still begging for food. He dropped his voice to a whisper, “Oh, all right. Here,” he tossed Harley a piece of beef from his beef and broccoli. “Now scram, that’s all your getting from me and don’t tell her or you’ll never get another bite from me.” Harley quickly inhaled the piece of meat and with his tail wagging, went into the kitchen to see what the other human was doing.

Donna shoved some things aside in her search for the soy sauce. “So anyway, she pointed out that the Secret Services uses dogs to patrol the grounds and they have a kennel they maintain on site. So she and I talked to Ron and he agreed to let me keep Harley there while I’m working.” She paused. “Ah HA! Here it is,” she said, pulling out the prized soy sauce.

“That’s actually a great idea. That way it won’t matter how late you have to work and Harley will still get some exercise and be looked after,” he said.

“Yeah, that’s pretty much what I was thinking,” she said. “What with you making poor Sydney work 18 hour days and all.” Looking down she saw Harley sitting by her feet giving her a pitiful look like he hadn’t been fed for a couple of months. She had resolved NOT to give him people food but it was his first day with her and she was finding it hard to resist that face.

“Well, just because she’s new doesn’t mean that she can skip out anytime she wants.”

“Yeah, because I’ve heard she’s known for ‘skipping’ out a lot. Like skipping out to get your dry cleaning and your lunch.” Knowing that the kung-pao chicken was too spicy, the shrimp and snow peas too rich and the sweet and sour chicken too...well, sweet, she settled on the beef and broccoli. She knew Josh’s back was to her but she glanced up to make sure he wasn’t looking anyway. Then she threw Harley a piece of broccoli and then a piece of meat. He chowed down on them happily.

“Hey, where’s the soy sauce?” Josh said suddenly.

Donna put her fingers to her lips to keep Harley quiet. “Right here,” she said, bringing it back to the table and sitting down in her chair.

Harley, now happy that he’d managed to weasel an offering out of both of the humans, went over and laid down on the pet bed in the living room. Josh’s eyes followed him as he went and a little grin formed on his face. “You know Donna, you having a dog might not be such a bad thing after all.” 

**********

“Sydney?” Donna looked up from her “new” desk to see CJ and Danny Concannon standing next to her. It was late Tuesday morning, her second full day of work and Josh’s door was closed so he had some privacy for a call with Matt Skinner. Donna stood up and reminded herself to use the “Sydney” voice that she and Josh and then she and CJ had practiced over the weekend. Coupled with the small plastic plate she was wearing in the roof of her mouth, it was a slightly higher and slower version of Donna’s regular voice. Josh called it her “think before speaking voice.” “Yes, Ms. Cregg, how can I help you?” she asked.

“Sydney, I keep telling you, I’m not your boss, you don’t have to call me, Ms. Cregg. Heck, even MY assistant doesn’t call me Ms. Cregg. I’m just CJ.”

Sydney adjusted her glasses slightly, as if it were a long standing habit. “I’m sorry, Ms......CJ. I keep forgetting.”

“Well, you’re new so I’ll forgive you this time but if it happens again, I’m going to make you lead the next press briefing in a rousing chorus of “Kum Ba Ya.” 

Sydney looked properly terrified, “Really, Ms....CJ?”

CJ grinned, happy to see how well Donna was playing her part. “No, Sydney,” she said with a laugh. “I was just kidding. You’ve really got to learn to take a joke if you’re going to survive around here,” CJ said. “But I do want you to call me CJ and if Josh gets to be too much and you need to vent, my door is always open.”

“Thank you, CJ,” Sydney said with a little smile.

“Now, the reason I came by was to introduce you to Danny Concannon, he’s with the Washington Post and is one of many reporters that is an everyday fixture here in the White House. Since you’re Josh’s assistant now he may be coming by to see you with questions for Josh. He also asked if he could meet you.” She turned to Danny. “Danny Concannon, this is Sydney Collins, Josh’s newest and we hope, last, assistant.”

The red headed reporter put out his hand, “It’s nice to meet you Sydney.”

“Hello, Mr. Concannon.”

“Oh, just Danny,” he told her with a disarming smile.

“Oh, well it’s nice to meet you, Danny. But I’m confused, why would you want to meet me?” she asked him.

“Like CJ said, I may have questions for Josh and traditionally I’ve gone through his assistant to arrange a time to meet with him.”

“Oh, I see,” Sydney replied.

“Plus I heard the two of you got off to kind of a rocky start yesterday.”

Sydney looked at CJ to make sure she could answer. “Go ahead, Sydney, you can answer him. This is off the record.”

She nodded, “Well, first days can often be difficult. Mr. Lyman and I just have some work to do on building our boss-assistant working dynamic. But I’m confident that we will be able to work together efficiently in the end.”

Danny looked at her a little skeptically. “You don’t know Josh very well yet, do you? He has his own definite way of doing things. It’s pretty hard to change him. His last permanent assistant was the only one I’ve ever heard of that got him to do things he didn’t want to do.”

“Would that be Donna?” Sydney asked him.

“Oh, so you’ve heard of her?” Danny said.

Sydney rolled her eyes, “That’s all he talks about. How everything I do doesn’t measure up to the way she did things. It seems like she’s going to be a pretty tough act to follow.”

“Well, you have to realize, Sydney, that Donna was with him for almost 7 years,” Danny told her. “They were even in the first Bartlet campaign together. I believe she was very special to him. Losing her, especially the way he did, was pretty tough on him. Give him some time to get used to you. I’m sure he’ll come around.”

“Thank you, Danny. I appreciate the encour......”

“DONNA!” Josh’s voice bellowed from behind the closed door.

Sydney’s body tightened up as if someone had raked their nails down a blackboard. She leaned forward to CJ and Danny a bit conspiratorially, “You know it’s not the bellowing I mind so much it’s the fact that he can’t get my name right.” She picked up her pad and a pen.

“DON....SYDNEY!”

“Well, he almost got it that time. Duty calls,” she said with a shrug. “It was nice meeting you Danny.”

“You too. Hang in there,” Danny replied.

Sydney smiled and headed for Josh’s office. The second she opened the door, Josh’s voice blasted out, “WHAT THE HELL TOOK YOU SO LONG, SYDNEY? If you’re going to keep this job you better get in here faster when I call you!” After that, the door slid closed and there was silence again.

CJ and Danny walked back toward the press room, “I give her a week,” Danny said. “She seems nice enough but with Josh the way he is right now, the person who sticks with him is going to have to be a cross between Mahatma Gandhi, Attila the Hun, Mother Theresa, and Cindy Crawford. AND they’ll need to be all that while taking dictation and knowing how to type. I don’t think that’s her. In fact I think I’m going to start a pool in the press corps for how long she’ll last.”

CJ looked at him, “That’s terrible, Danny. Here this poor girl is stuck with probably the most hated job in the White House and you want to take wagers on how long she’ll last?” She paused and looked at the little smirk on Danny’s face. “Okay put me in for twenty,” she said, pulling the money out of her pocket and handing to him. “BUT. I’m only doing it to show you that I think this one’s got something the others didn’t. I think this one is going to stick it out and stay until the end of the administration.”

Danny shrugged, “It’s your money.”

For about two seconds CJ felt guilty. After all, she knew that Sydney was really Donna, the only one to ever stick with Josh as an assistant for longer than a month. It was like having insider information when you were buying stock. But then she saw the little smirk on Danny’s face become a bigger smirk and magically, the guilt disappeared. “Yes, it is.”

**********

Donna closed Josh’s door and leaned up against it. Josh was standing behind his desk, looking through a briefing memo. “You know Josh, there’s something to be said for being TOO convincing.”

He grinned a little, “Am I losing myself in the part?”

“Just a smidge. By the way, did you forget to call me Sydney on purpose or was it a slip?” she asked him.

He looked at her guiltily. “It was a slip. I needed something and Donna came out before I realized it.”

“Well, you’ll be happy to know that I was talking to Danny and CJ at the time you were screaming your supposedly dead assistant’s name.”

A look of concern flashed over his face, “Do you think it made Danny suspicious?”

“No. I covered it. I told him that I didn’t mind the bellowing as much as I minded you getting my name wrong all the time.”

He sat down in his chair. She came around and leaned against his computer desk. “I thought you hated the bellowing,” he said.

“Oh, I do. But at the time, I was less worried about what I did or did not like and more worried about what Danny did or did not suspect.”

“Ah, good point.”

“So what did you need so badly you felt it necessary to bellow?” she said.

“Oh, right. I need the research file on the Foley bill.” He looked at her a moment. He was beginning to love these brief moments in his office where they could talk and be themselves and things were almost like they’d been three weeks ago. 

“But I thought that the bill wasn’t going to make it out of committee,” she replied.

“Well, Matt Skinner seems to think it may pull through after all. Do you have time to pull it for me?”

“Yeah,” she said. “After I get you the research file, do you mind if I take an early lunch? I thought maybe I’d get Harley and take him on a walk around the Mall.”

“No, I don’t mind at all. How’s he doing in the kennel so far?” 

“Fine as far as I know. One of the handlers said they’ve been letting him out in the exercise yard with some of the other dogs and he really likes it. He seems happy enough when I drop him off in the morning.”

“That’s good. I also meant to ask you how your arm’s doing without the sling? Is it giving you any trouble?”

She flexed her arm. “A little sore but nothing that some Advil hasn’t taken care of.”

Josh nodded, “Donna?”

It was always such a relief to her when he said her name. As per the plan, everyone else was calling her Sydney but when they were in his office like this, he would call her Donna and it never failed to spark something inside her. “Hmm?”

He looked at her a minute. “It’s really good to have you back. Even if you have to be here as Sydney.”

“Thanks, Josh,” she said, sincerely. A quiet moment passed between them. “Well, if I’m going to pull the research file and go to lunch, I better get to it. You ready?”

“Yeah, I just...” he trailed off. 

“What?” 

“I just want you to know how much I hate having to do this thing with Sydney. I know I bellowed at you even before Sydney, but this is different. I don’t like hurling angry words at you, even in jest.”

Donna walked over to him and laid her hand on his shoulder. “I don’t especially like it either, Josh, but we both know that for right now, it’s what has to be. Once people have accepted Sydney, then we won’t have to do the yelling thing. Well, maybe you and the bellowing will go on because I just don’t see you getting rid of that habit anytime soon, but the angry words, not so much.” She paused, “But I appreciate you telling me out loud that you don’t like it either.”

He laid his hand over hers where it rested on his shoulder and squeezed gently. “Thanks.” It still amazed him that she could be so supportive and sympathetic when she herself was the one that was hurting more. “You ready?”

Donna exhaled and then walked over to the door and nodded. 

Josh nodded back and took a deep breath. “THIS IS ALL WRONG! HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?!? THIS ALL HAS TO BE RETYPED AND DON’T BRING IT BACK UNTIL IT’S BEEN STRAIGHTENED OUT! AND GET ME THE RESEARCH FILE ON THE FOLEY BILL!”

Sydney ripped open the door dramatically, “I would be happy to get you the Foley Bill file. As for the other matter, I only did it the way you told me to Mr. Lyman! FOR THE 400TH TIME I AM NOT A MINDREADER,” she screamed as she stood in the doorway of his office.

“Well, then you better take a class to learn how to be one or you’re not going to last long here,” he shot back. “AND WHILE YOU’RE AT IT, GET ME SOME COFFEE!”

“I’M YOUR ASSISTANT, MR. LYMAN, NOT A WAITRESS!”

“YOU ARE WHAT I SAY YOU ARE, SYDNEY!” he yelled back.

“NO, SIR! That is not true!” Sydney said, shaking with mock fury and trying to make it appear that she was having trouble keeping her temper in check. “I am your employee, not your slave! IF YOU WANT COFFEE, MR. LYMAN, THEN I SUGGEST YOU GET IT YOURSELF!” Without waiting for a reply she slammed Josh’s door and stalked over to the file cabinet. Yanking the file drawer open she pulled out the research file for the Foley Bill and dramatically slammed the drawer closed.

Ginger happened to be passing by, so Sydney handed her the file. “Ginger, could you please give ‘his majesty’ this file. I’m going to lunch before I drive a stake through his heart.” Something snapped inside Donna when she said it and she was instantly sorry. Even in jest, even as Sydney, it was a horrible thing to say. His heart had been through enough after the shooting and every day he was alive was something she never wanted to take for granted or make light of. The walls began to close in on her a bit and her look must have even panicked Ginger, who knew the truth about everything. 

“Sydney? Are you all right?” she asked quietly.

Donna snapped back and she nodded. “Yes, I just need some air.” Turning, she pulled her purse and Harley’s leash out of her desk and walked quickly to exit and around to where the Secret Service kept the kennel. Needing to steady herself a minute she knelt down and fastened Harley’s leash to his collar. Then she bent down, put her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. But, as much as she loved Harley, all the while she was wishing it could be Josh she was holding on to.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 19 - MATURE

Donna pulled the box out and carried it to the dining room table. It was early yet, about 5 a.m. Wednesday morning. As had become their habit, Josh had just left for home to shower and change before going into the office. Harley was still asleep on his large pillow at the foot of her bed.

Her first appointment with Dr. Todd was at 9 a.m. and she was not looking forward to it. She didn’t want someone poking around in her head, but she knew that Josh would never let her hear the end of it if she didn’t go. Donna just didn’t see how it was going to change anything. She was different now, the attack had definitely changed her, but she was fine. There was nothing for anyone to be worried about. She hadn’t even had a nightmare in the last week. Okay, she admitted, that was most likely because Josh had been staying with her, but she was sure that soon she’d be able to sleep on her own. Maybe she’d talk about getting him to sleep at his own place when he came over that night.

Setting the box on the table next to the morning paper, she pulled off the lid and started pulling clippings and papers out of the box and laying them on the table. At least Josh had told her she didn’t need to come in before the appointment. So even though she should probably be trying to catch a little extra sleep, as was often the case during the last week, after Josh left she couldn’t go back to sleep.

After emptying the box, she set it aside and opened The Washington Post. Scanning it, she hit all the high points. The news from Congress. The stories about the President’s new policy on China. The national news. And then she found what she was looking for. Buried in the metro section was a follow-up article about Kelly’s murder, and by extension, hers. 

Pulling out a pair of scissors she carefully cut out the article and set it on the small pile she’d removed from the box. Tossing the rest of the newspaper aside, she spread the contents of the box out on the table. Picking up each individual piece of paper one by one, she read them. It had become kind of a compulsive ritual for her. She would pour over the details, hoping that it would somehow jog her memory. Some of them had been read so many times that the edges were worn already from being handled so much. While reading about Kelly’s murder never failed to make her unbearably sad, reading about hers left her feeling....nothing. Part of her wanted to forget, to not think of anything to do with her attack or Kelly’s but the rest of her could not and would not let her forget.

She’d even called Mike Casper yesterday. He’d confirmed that there was indeed a strong link between her assault and Kelly’s murder. The press had already reported the fact that Kelly had suffered an initial head injury, a fairly vicious sexual assault and then was strangled. What they hadn’t reported because the information had been suppressed by the FBI and the DC police, was there had been no evidence of a gun in Kelly’s attack, but there had been a burn on her hip exactly matching Donna’s and her attacker had used his bare hands to strangle her. Only this time he’d succeeded.

Mike told her that the details had been suppressed to help with the case. When the real murderer was caught there would be details that hadn’t been released that the authorities could use to confirm that the suspect was really the killer. Although apparently he’d left behind enough matching DNA at both crime scenes that, once he was caught, his conviction would be a slam dunk.

He'd also told her one other, very interesting thing. In response to Donna's comment about it being cold in her apartment during the attack, Mike had spoken to the emergency personnel and crime scene investigators who had been first on the scene. When asked, a number of them confirmed that it had indeed been freezing in her apartment when they'd arrived. One of the officers had told Mike that, in fact, the AC unit had been turned as far down as it would go. The investigators had assumed it was simply Donna's habit to turn it on full blast and so they hadn't dusted it for fingerprints. But she had told Mike that she never turned it up that high because it was too expensive to run. Mike had then told her that the officers at the scene of Kelly's murder had noted the similar frigid conditions. Someone investigating the scene had been thinking that time and Kelly's AC unit had been dusted for fingerprints. Prints that matched those found on items in Donna's apartment had been found on the knobs of the unit. It appeared as if the killer liked things on the cool side.

She ran her hands over the clippings. Her mind once again went back to the question she’d asked Josh. Why had she lived when Kelly hadn’t? Kelly had been a bit younger than Donna, blonde, a preschool teacher, surely a worthy profession. She was single, had parents who loved her, something Donna wasn’t sure she could say, and she had hopes, dreams, and potential that would never be realized. What had Kelly ever done to merit a life cut short? And what had Donna ever done to deserve a life spared?

**********

Donna, dressed as Sydney, looked at the small piece of paper in her hand and then back up at the refurbished historic-looking building. The addresses matched. “Well, Harley, I guess this is the place.” Holding tightly to his leash for courage she walked up the stairs and into the building. Standing in the foyer, she saw a small listing of all the offices in the building. Dr. Todd’s was on the first floor. Donna and Harley walked past a set of stairs going up to an office in the back part of the building. “Jan Todd, M.D., Ph.D.,” a small gold plaque on the door read. Donna knocked on the door. A moment later, the door opened. It was a woman in her mid-40’s. Her hair was dark and pulled tightly into a severe bun. Dark rimmed glasses were perched on her nose, making her look at once intelligent and a little like the school principal.

“Ms. Moss?” she said. Donna nodded. “Please come in.”

“Thank you,” Donna said, stepping into the office with Harley staying close to her side. Donna didn’t see the disapproving looked that Dr. Todd gave Harley as she closed the door. The office was spacious and tastefully decorated, with walls that were painted a soft white. A large and neatly organized desk sat off to one side while a large comfortable looking couch and two matching overstuffed chairs rounded out the furniture in the room. Various pictures and degrees hung on the walls giving the office a personal touch while still managing to project a professional atmosphere. A large picture window behind the couch faced onto a small private garden.

“Won’t you have a seat?” Dr. Todd told her. 

Donna nodded and sat down on the couch. “Harley, lie down.” He obeyed her instantly and laid down on the floor by her feet. She’d discovered that he always seemed to know when he could be playfully disobedient and when he had to be instantly obedient.

Dr. Todd sat down in one of the chairs. “Ms. Moss,” she began in a tone that told Donna she probably wasn’t going to like what she was going to say. “Is there a reason you’ve brought your animal with you today?”

Donna looked at Harley, who was laying quietly at her feet. She hadn’t expected the doctor to say anything about him. “Well, two reasons I guess,” she said, trying to not let things get started off badly. “First, I like to take him with me whenever I can. See, I live in an apartment so it’s a way I can exercise him. And then second, I’m going to work after my appointment and my employer allows me to take him with me. ”

Dr. Todd looked at her for a moment, her expression unreadable. “You must have a very understanding employer.”

She thought about Josh and Leo and the President, all of whom were her bosses to one degree or another and all of whom had varying degrees of understanding about things. “He can be.”

“Well, in the future I would appreciate it if you would not bring him with you to your sessions.”

Donna already didn’t like this woman, “Um, okay.”

“You see when we meet for your sessions I need your full attention. I can’t have that if you’re worried about what he’s doing. He can be an unnecessary distraction.” Donna looked down at Harley, who was still laying quietly. He looked the complete opposite of distracting. Dr. Todd seemed to follow her thoughts. “It also concerns me that you say you take him with you so often, including to work. You need to be sure that your relationship with him as an owner doesn’t come at the expense of your relationship to others and your recovery.”

Donna didn’t even know what to say to that. She’d been so happy with Harley in the last week and now this woman was telling her that it was somehow wrong, somehow bad. In an act of simple self-protection, part of her pulled into itself like a turtle in a shell.

Dr. Todd smiled benignly. “Okay, that being said, let get down to why you’re here,” she said, moving to her desk. She opened a file and skimmed it. "I read about your case in the file the hospital sent over. I understand from your file that the government has placed you in some kind of protection program to hide you from your assailant. Is that correct?”

“Yes, that’s correct,” Donna answered. Apparently Dr. Todd hadn’t connected ‘Donnatella Moss’ with the woman that was officially dead. Donna thought she probably should have clued her in but, she reasoned, she didn’t need to know all the details. She knew that Donna had been assaulted and almost killed, that was enough for now. Plus there was the fact that so far she didn’t like Dr. Todd. Suddenly she was very happy that she was dressed as Sydney.

“Why don’t we start there. How’s that been going?”

“Well, it’s all right. It’s been a bit of an adjustment. They gave me a new identity and moved me to a new apartment.” She had no plans to tell her about her physical disguise.

“I see. I also read in your file that you were very badly injured in the attack. How have you been feeling physically?”

“Okay. I couldn’t speak for the first week and I had to wear a sling on my arm for a while but I’m pretty much back to normal I think.”

“What about your internal injuries?” Dr. Todd asked her. 

Donna felt a lot like a bug under a microscope but she merely put on the smile she used to use when Amy Gardner would visit Josh in the office. “Um, my internal injuries made me a bit uncomfortable for the first week but it’s pretty much gone now.”

“Have you had your period since you were assaulted?”

That question totally took her by surprise. “Why on earth would you want to know that?”

Dr. Todd seemed unfazed by Donna’s disbelief. “Sometime victims find that the first period after their assault can be a little traumatic. It can bring back some of the memories from the attack, especially if the original attack caused any vaginal bleeding.”

Donna hadn’t had her period since the attack but she was about due. Great. So now she was going to have a nutty about her period. Terrific, something else to look forward to. “Well, I guess I wouldn’t know about that because I haven’t had my period since the thing.”

“The ‘thing’? Why do you call it that? Are you having a hard time talking about it?”

Donna smiled as she realized she’d used the term that Toby and Josh used so often. “No, I just...it’s kind of a habit that friends of mine have when they speak. It’s kind of like verbal shorthand.” 

Dr. Todd looked dubious. “All right.” She paused. “Why don’t you tell me about the attack.”

"Well, I'm afraid I don't remember much about it."

Again, Dr. Todd gave her a look that was skeptical at best. "Why don't you tell me what you do remember?"

Donna gave a mental sigh and began recounting her memories, or lack thereof, from that night. It was basically what she'd told Mike Casper. "And the next thing I remember was waking up in the ambulance on the way to the hospital."

"I see," Dr. Todd said in a way that Donna suspected meant she didn't see at all. "And you say that you don't remember anything else?"

So basically, Donna took that to mean that Dr. Todd was calling her a liar. "No, I don't 'say' that I don't remember anything else, I really 'don't' remember anything else." She was feeling a little like she was being cross examined.

"There's no need to get defensive, Ms. Moss."

Donna didn't know how she was being defensive. She'd never raised her voice above its normal volume but she took a breath anyway. "I apologize, Dr. Todd. It's been a bit of a rough couple of weeks and I'm afraid I'm a bit on edge." Which was really not true. In her opinion, she'd been more withdrawn than snappish or defensive. But she hoped it would placate Dr. Todd.

"I'm sure. Rape can be very traumatic, it's only natural that you'd want to lash out. Repressed anger is a common after an event like yours."

Okay, so she was still getting the bug under a microscope feeling. 'Rape can be very traumatic?' Donna thought. 'Well, duh!' Where the hell did this woman get her degree? She suddenly felt like she was trapped in some little infomercial made for psychology students. 'And here, ladies and gentlemen, is a classic, textbook case of repressed anger and what can happen to someone after they’ve been sexually assaulted.' Like she was some cookie cutter textbook case. She realized then, that Dr. Todd was still speaking.

“How have you been doing otherwise? Any sleeping problems? Nightmares?"

Donna considered telling her the truth about the nightmares and Josh but, barring a sudden change in the Dr. Todd's tone and methods, Donna had pretty much decided that therapy with her was just not going to work out. In which case it really didn't matter what she told her. "Oh, I've had a little insomnia but nothing beyond that."

More skeptical looks from the good doctor. It occurred to her that Dr. Todd's look was just like one her own mother had down to a science. Which of course did nothing to make Donna like her any better.

"Have you had any anxiety?”

"No." Okay, so there was that the nutty she had when she saw her hip, but there was NO way she was telling her about that.

"Headaches?"

"A little at first because of my head injury, but nothing else." So it was a lie. It didn’t make much of a difference now.

"Depression?”

"Not that I know of." If Donna had been talking to Mrs. Bartlet, Abbey would have already been getting pissed off with the quick answers, but Dr. Todd seemed unfazed.

"Any suicidal thoughts?"

"Excuse me?" Donna asked, a little dumbfounded.

"I asked you if you'd had any suicidal thoughts?"

"No, of course not." Suicide had never occurred to her. She just wanted things to be like they were, not be erased all together.

Dr. Todd sighed and pulled off her glasses. "Donna....can I call you Donna?" She said in such a way that told Donna she was trying to be disarming. To Donna it came across as condescending.

Donna looked at her a moment and had the sudden urge to laugh. Because glasses tend to hide the eyes, most people looked better when they take off their glasses but Dr. Todd looked better with her glasses ON. Without them, her eyes looked small and squinty in a face already severe and, Donna thought now, hard. Again a vision of her mother popped into Donna's head. "No, I think we'd better just stick to Ms. Moss. It is more professional after all," Donna said with a sugary sweet smile.

Well, Dr. Todd didn't like that one bit. She put her glasses back on, a clear signal that her attempt at being disarming was over. "Ms. Moss. If you want me to help me you're going to have to be a lot more cooperative than you're being now."

Donna looked at her for a moment, "Just what exactly do you think I need to have help with?"

"I'm going to be frank," she said. "I know you're not going to want to hear this, but I think you've been lying ever since the moment you came in here."

"Excuse me?" Oh, gee, Donna couldn't imagine why she wouldn't want to hear that she was a liar. She might have been leaving some things out, but she didn’t deserve the treatment she was getting and she definitely didn't like being called a liar twice in one conversation. Harley's head popped up at the strained sound in his owners voice and the tension in her body. But he remained still and poised in case action was needed.

"I said I think you've been lying every since you came in here. To me and to yourself. You're clearly repressing the details of your attack because you are too afraid to face them."

"I've tried to remember them, I really have," Donna tried to explain. "Part of my insomnia has been because I've laid awake at night TRYING to remember. But the memories are just not there. My doctor seemed to think that was because of the head injury I sustained in the attack."

"Theoretically, your doctor is right. Sometimes a head injury can affect memory," Dr. Todd said. "But in your case I don't believe that is the case. I think you've buried the memories so deep that you've convinced yourself they're gone. But I believe with some intensive therapy I can help you retrieve them and face them."

So, basically, she was a lying, suicidal, delusional freak who was obsessed with her dog. Yeah, this visit was a REAL good idea. If this was going to be what therapy was like, she would just skip it all together. She was a little surprised that Dr. Todd wasn't trying to have her committed right on the spot. "Dr. Todd, I appreciate your candor but it's clear to me that you and I have very different views of my situation. I think that I can save us both a lot of time and tell you that you help is not wanted and not required. I think it would be better if I just took my 'animal' and left." Donna stood. "Harley, up," she told him. Instantly he got to his feet and waited beside her.

"You're free to do as you like," Dr. Todd said, now with a tone of utter superiority. "But I feel it's my duty as your therapist to tell you that the longer you repress your memories of the attack, the more problems you're going to have down the road. You need help, Donna, and if you don't get it soon you're going to self-destruct."

Donna hated the way that her name dropped from Dr. Todd's mouth. As if it were unclean, unhealthy and something to be pitied. It made her feel small and stupid. But then something, something she credited to CJ's example of knowing how to stand up to others, flashed through her. "And you, Dr. Todd, need to start listening to your patients rather than fitting them in your one-size-fits all, cookie cutter definitions before you've even gotten to know them or their problems." Donna turned and walked to door. "You also might try getting some kind of bedside manner," she said as she laid her hand on the doorknob. "Because frankly, right now, the one you have sucks." With that she pulled the door open and she and Harley started through it.

"When you see I'm right and change your mind, you have my number," she called after Donna.

Donna stopped in mid-stride and turned back around. Marching back into the office, with Harley in tow, she pulled out the small piece of paper that contained Dr. Todd's office address and phone number. Her gaze met the doctor's levelly as she ripped the paper into bits the size of confetti and tossed them on the desk. "Between having you for a therapist and going insane, I'd rather go insane." Turning on her heel she and Harley left the office and went outside into the warm sunshine.

Her steps were quick and measured as if she was trying to get away from the devil himself, or in this case, herself. Harley had to break into a slow trot to keep up with her. She should have hailed a cab to take both of them to the White House but she needed to calm down a bit first. Walking a bit they finally came to a small park, almost deserted now in the middle of the morning. Donna sat down heavily on a bench, Harley sat beside her feet, panting a bit from their quick pace.

"Harley, I have to tell you," she said, running her hand over his head. "Normally, I would never encourage this, but if we ever see that woman again, you have my permission to growl and bare your teeth at her." Harley looked at her for a moment and then licked her hand trying to soothe his upset owner. "Thanks, boy. I'm glad I took you with me, no matter what she said." 

She blinked at sudden, expected tears, then willed them away. She wasn't a crier. Crying got you nowhere and it fixed nothing. She hadn't cried when Josh had been shot and she hadn't cried when she found out how he'd really cut his hand at Christmas. There hadn't been time and he'd needed her to be strong. And, even though she'd felt like she was dying inside, she hadn't cried when she had to tell him she'd screwed up with Cliff and the diary. If she could survive those things, she could survive this. It was just another bump in the road and she would get over it like she'd gotten over everything else. On her own.

The only problem was, what was she going to tell Josh? He was going to expect her to have some kind of regular appointment with Dr. Todd, the evil troll psychiatrist. How was she going to cover that? Well, unfortunately she'd have to lie to him. But really, it would be for both of their benefits. If she didn't, he would just get upset and they'd just argue about it and since his therapy had been such a positive thing for him, he just wouldn't understand why it wasn't going to work for her. She'd be saving him all the aggravation, she justified. Then, eventually, she could say that Dr. Todd said she didn't need therapy any more and things could go back to the way they were. No one would get hurt and no one would be the wiser.

Feeling a little steadier, she looked down at Harley. "Well, boy, what do you say? Shall we go to work?"

**********

Donna had been back at her desk for a total of five minutes when her cell phone rang with the tone that told her she was receiving a text message. Pulling it out, she read the display. "If you've got a minute would you come in and talk to me?" Of course it wasn't signed but she knew who'd sent it. Grabbing her pad and a pen, she went into his office and closed the door. Since Sydney had been there a couple of days and hadn't quit, they'd decided to tone down their 'shouting matches' and now they only had one a day, usually in the late afternoon or when CJ had someone from the Press Corps in her office.

Josh looked up from the report he was reading as she sat down in one of his visitor's chairs. "Hey," he said. "I just wanted to know how things went this morning. I know how tough the first appointment can be."

She smiled at him. "Oh, it went fine. This first one was a lot of preliminary, background stuff." 'The lies begin,' part of her commented.

“Really?” He said, sitting back in his chair. He thought maybe it would be difficult for her. Donna was one of the strongest people he knew and he imagined it wouldn't be easy for her to tell her deepest, darkest secrets to a stranger. He remembered his marathon first session with Stanley. It had been a little like having someone flay you open so they could show you what you didn’t want to see. Of course he’d felt better afterwards but while it was happening it hadn’t been very pleasant.

Donna felt another ember of anger get stirred up at his words. “Yes, Josh, really. What, do you think I’m lying?” Although she hadn’t raised her voice, she’d still snapped it out a bit more forcefully than she’d planned to and she felt instantly sorry. Josh had been amazing and wonderful, he was the last person she should be getting mad at. Plus she really didn’t think he meant anything by saying it.

Josh looked at her now. She looked normal. Well, as normal as Sydney ever looked to him. He still couldn’t get use to seeing Donna dressed as Sydney. But there was something in her eyes. Something that wasn’t able to hide behind her brown contact lenses. There was something she wasn’t telling him. But then again it wasn’t like he’d told her everything he’d talked to Stanley about during their session and in the subsequent sessions he had with the therapist that Stanley had sent him to. He’d let it go for now. “Of course I didn’t think you were lying. I’m just glad things went okay. It was a rhetorical ‘really,’ not an ‘I’m sure I must have heard you wrong’ really,” he explained.

“I know, Josh, I’m sorry,” she said, sincerely. “I guess I’m still a little on edge after my appointment this morning.”

“No problem.” He paused. “So often are you going to see her?”

Well, here was the next big lie. They were piling up fast. “Just once a week. We have a standing appointment for Wednesday mornings at 11.” It was unsettling to her to realize just how easily the lie had rolled out of her mouth.

“Oh, that’s good. But just so you know, I’m going to need you to come in before you go from now on. I know I let you wait to come in after you got done but that was kind of a first-timers deal.” He grinned a bit. “Now that you’ve been indoctrinated, you’ll need to come back to work.” He paused and got just a touch serious. “That’s not going to be a problem, is it?”

Donna smiled in response, hoping it would convince him that all was well. “No, no problem at all.”

“Good. Oh, by the way, are you going to cook or should I bring something when I come over tonight?”

Donna was silent for a moment. Maybe now was a good time to cut the cord. As much as she’d loved falling asleep in Josh’s arms, she knew it was a pain for him to have to sneak over to her place and then sneak back to his to change before coming to work. Besides, if she was well enough to not need therapy, she was well enough to not need him as a security blanket. “Um Josh, about that....” she hesitated.

Josh frowned, for some reason he didn’t like where this was probably going. “What?”

“I mentioned to Dr. Todd that you’d been staying with me and she thinks it would be a good idea if I tried getting to sleep on my own.”

Yeah, he didn’t like where it had gone at all. “Um...okay. I mean if that’s what you want.”

“Well, it’s not so much what I want as what Dr. Todd recommended might be a good step for my recovery.” God, she was such a liar. And to Josh, no less. Maybe she should just cut her tongue out now.

Josh tried to appear nonchalant instead of vaguely hurt. “Ahkay. If your doctor thinks it’s for the best I can get on board with it. I’ve got some things I’m probably going to need to be here late for anyway.”

“Okay,” she replied. “Thanks for understanding, Josh.”

“That’s me, Mr. Understanding,” he tried to give her a little grin and almost succeeded. 

TBC 

**********  
Chapter 20 - MATURE

Dressed in her pajamas, her hair still damp from her second shower of the day, the evening one she always took to remove all traces of Sydney, Donna walked out of the bathroom. Holding a glass of water and the small medicine bottle in her hand, she stood for a moment at the foot of her bed. Josh was gone, just like she'd wanted. Her lies had succeeded. 

In fact, if she remembered correctly Josh and Sam were probably at the Hawk and Dove for a last drink before Sam left for California in the morning. Sam had already put a deposit down on a small office storefront in Foggy Bottom where he was planning to set up his DC practice. He figured it would take him about two months to close things up in California and sell his condo. He promised to let them know when he got everything finalized.

But now it was just her and Harley. "Well," she said into the quiet of the room. "Like the old saying goes. I've made my bed and now I have sleep in it." Squaring her shoulders, she took a breath. It was just a bed. A wooden frame. A mattress and box spring. Pillows. Soft cotton sheets. A fluffy comforter. Nothing to be afraid of in any way. 

Here's where she tested her theory about being well enough to sleep, by herself, in her own bed. The day had been long and tiring and her body longed to sleep in her comfortable bed and not her lumpy couch.

Walking to the night table she set the water down and wrestled the child proof cap off the bottle of sleeping pills. Since, in addition to the nightmares, insomnia had been a frequent problem when she'd tried sleeping in a bed, she figured it wouldn't hurt if she had some help going to sleep. Plus she hoped that the sleeping pill would put her far enough out she wouldn't dream. She didn't stop to consider that sometimes sleeping pills could put you so far under that you actually dreamed more.

Pouring one of the pills into her hand, she popped it into her mouth and swallowed it with a large drink of water. Putting the cap back on the bottle she put it in the top drawer of the night stand. Setting her alarm, she left the lamp on low because even she couldn't convince herself that she'd be able to go to sleep in the dark. Flicking on the TV, she started watching Leno. He was about halfway through his opening monologue when her eyes slid closed.

It was like before, but it was different. It was as if each nightmare had a new layer to add, a new tidbit to expose and yet it happily fed on the fear that the older images evoked. The darkness. The cold. The sounds. The monster in the dark. The barn.

Like inmates jeering a returning convict who'd had her parole revoked, they were there. Waiting for her.

As with her last nightmare, it began with her standing in the sunlight on a perfect summer afternoon. Fields of ripe corn spreading out under the wide canopy of razor-sharp blue sky. Walking along a dusty road.

She heard barking and looked back to see a small black and white dog chasing her up the road, yipping excitedly. She laughed, happy to see it. It's little legs were moving like mad to catch up to her. It's little pink tongue was flapping excitedly in the breeze.

Then the dog was gone and she was once again standing near the gray weathered barn that had appeared suddenly against the late afternoon sky. Left with the knowledge that she was somewhere she didn't want to be. Being unable to escape the terrifying darkness that reached out of the barn to grab her. Trying to hide in the darkness, hoping, praying she could make herself small enough that the monster wouldn't see her this time. Knowing that it would do no good because the monster always found her. It existed to find her. To punish and hurt her.

As she looked up from her hiding place, a pinprick of light appeared. Fascinated, she momentarily forgot about hiding and began to move toward it. Suddenly it seemed to rush at her and she realized too late that it was the monster with a new face. And a new way to terrorize her. Like a speeding bubble of light it engulfed her and blinded her with its brightness. If possible, it was even colder in the light than it had been in the dark.

As the light faded and her eyes began to adjust she saw that she was still in the barn. Behind her and beside her it was still and black as the darkest night. But, although the light was low, in front of her she could see clearly enough. It somehow reminded her of being in a play. The audience and the wings were dark to accentuate what was happening on stage.

It was a work area of some sort. Tools hung on pegs attached to the wall of the barn. A long, wooden workbench, that came about chest high to her, sat beneath them. Various bales of hay sat off to each side.

Then she saw it. Laying on the work bench was the little black and white dog, whimpering softly and trying to move. Her heart twisted for the sweet little dog and she stepped forward to help him. A large wound had opened in his side and blood was seeping steadily from it. His eyes looked pleadingly at her and, petting his head gently, she wondered what she could do for him.

"It was an accident," a voice softly said from behind her. Startled, she turned quickly. But saw only a tall shadow. Undefined terror began to dance along her spine but she didn't know why. She wanted to take the little dog and run, but she was afraid and she backed away from the workbench. "I know I said I didn't like him but I didn't mean to hurt him. Don't tell her. She'll be angry. We'll tell her he ran away. He won't suffer. It will be our secret. Our special secret," it said. The voice, soft and pleasant, seemed to come from nowhere and yet everywhere. Each word drove itself into her brain like a soft spike. It made her want to press her hands to her ears so she couldn't hear it anymore, but she found that her arms were so heavy she couldn't lift them. 

The shadow moved to the workbench and seemed to solidify somewhat into the form of a large man. He blocked her view of the little dog and as his hands reached out, the dog continued to whimper softly. Suddenly, like the crack of a gun shot there was a snap. Then silence. A silence so deep she couldn't even hear her own breathing or the sound of her own heart beating. The man-shadow seemed to loose it's shape a bit as it turned away from the work bench and melted back into the darkness. The little dog was still and quiet now, it's empty eyes staring back at her.

Her utter horror gave her back the will to raise her arms and she covered her eyes so she wouldn't have to look. Wouldn't have to see. Like angry bees shooting through her blood, the monster took that moment to swarm over her again. "Our little secret. Our little secret. Our little secret," it's sing song voice, the voice of the shadow, chanted in her ear. "Our special secret. Don't tell." Pain became a living thing low in her belly and she tried not to pass out from it. The sharp, bitter taste of adrenaline filled her mouth and she swallowed it in an attempt to keep from being sick.

In final cruel punishment, with a chuckle, the monster yanked her hands away from her face and forced her to look back at the workbench. Only the little dog wasn't there anymore. Now, it was Harley's empty brown eyes that stared back at her. 

That was when she screamed.

Donna sat up in bed with that scream echoing in her head and her bedroom. Her head was pounding, her heart was racing and the miniscule contents of her stomach were threatening to revolt but she had more pressing matters to deal with. "Harley?" she, called with a half sob. She needed to know he was okay and that it was just a vivid, horrible nightmare. Disturbed by his human's distress he was already sitting right next to the bed looking up at her. "Oh, Harley," she said, sliding out of bed and onto the floor she hugged him tightly.

About that time her stomach took center stage and protesting in earnest, sent her running to the bathroom where she was violently ill. Afterward, she took another hot shower to try and wash away the sickness and the remaining tendrils of the nightmare. As much as tried to not think about it, some of the elements of the nightmare kept surfacing.

The barn. Where did that barn come from? She had grown up in a condo, not on a farm. Had she seen it in a picture? 

The dog. The little black and white dog. She knew that dog. But from where? From when?

The workbench. That was familiar too. But why? She never remembered her father, or anyone else, having a workbench.

'Dreams are a metaphor, right?' she thought. Not to be taken literally. Maybe the problem was she shouldn't be trying to take the nightmares at face value. Maybe they just represented something else. Something her brain was trying to tell her. 'Yes,' she justified. 'That must be it.' There was just no other answer. The images and feelings she'd had were just too horrible to be actual memories. Memories she didn't....well, remember having in the first place.

The harder she tried to think about it, the more her head hurt and the fuzzier the details became. So she decided to do the most logical thing and stop thinking about it. By the time she finished with her shower and stepped out of the bathroom, she felt calmer but she knew that sleeping in the bed was simply not going to work.

"...you're going to self-destruct," Dr. Todd's words rang in her ears.

"I'm not 'self-destructing,’ I’m fine. Really," she told Harley, who was watching her from his pillow at the foot of her bed. "So I can't sleep alone in the bed right now. So what? Big deal. I'm sure there are lots of people who can't sleep in a bed. The couch is just fine. Eventually I'll work back up to the bed and everything will be fine. Just fine." 

‘But not tonight,’ she thought. For the remaining 3 hours she had to go before the alarm went off she needed to be near Harley so she knew he was all right. Pulling a pillow and her comforter off the bed she laid down next to his large pillow and went to sleep with the sound of his soft breathing in her ear.

**********

Donna trudged down to the mess in search of something caffeinated, with a side of something masquerading as a baked good. The coffee in the mess was a half a step up from the coffee in the bullpen and today she needed all the help she could get. Her day had been completely thrown off and it was only 9:30. She’d slept heavily on the floor, so much so that she’d slept right through her alarm and been 15 minutes late to work. She hadn’t had a chance to look over the clippings again or even get the newspaper and she felt completely out of touch. She also felt groggy and a little listless and wondered if it was from the sleeping pill, the nightmare, sleeping on the floor or a combination of all three. Her contact lenses had been difficult to get in and she’d gone through two pairs of pantyhose while she’d been getting dressed. 

The only thing she’d managed to do right all morning was get Josh off to his breakfast meeting on the Hill on time. Stepping up to the counter, she filled a styrofoam cup with hot black coffee and chose a blueberry muffin from the display.

That time of the morning, the mess was fairly deserted. With the usual day at the White House starting about 7 a.m., it was a little late for the 'first cup of coffee as they walk in the door' crowd and a little early for the 'mid-morning coffee break' crowd. Turning to walk back out of the mess she saw a discarded Washington Post lying on one of the tables. Setting her muffin on the table, she flipped open the paper and stood scanning the front page as she sipped her coffee. She didn’t have to scan far. Just below the fold was the article she’d been expecting but dreading. She and Kelly now had company. 

LINK SOUGHT IN STRANGLER CASE

By Jeff Moreau   
Washington Post Staff Writer   
__________________________________________

WASHINGTON, D.C., September 17 - Yesterday afternoon the body of Amber Thompson was discovered in her apartment in the Foggy Bottom neighborhood of D.C. Concerned when she did not report for work on Wednesday and did not respond to repeated telephone calls, a co-worker, Diane Butozi, went to the apartment to check on Thompson and found her body. Authorities report she had been beaten, sexually assaulted and strangled in her apartment by an unknown assailant sometime Tuesday night. 

Thompson, 28, was a high-level assistant for Sen Diana Brock (D-Neb), and had lived in D.C. for the past 7 years. Because Thompson was a Federal employee and bore a striking resemblance to two other recent murder victims, preschool teacher Kelly Gibbs and White House staffer Donnatella Moss, the D.C. police and the FBI are looking for evidence that will link the three cases together.

Unofficially dubbed the ‘D.C. Strangler’ case, all three murder victims were female, caucasian, medium to tall in height, single, blonde, between the ages of 25 and 32, and living in either the Adams Morgan or Foggy Bottom neighborhoods of Washington. 

This latest victim is causing concern among women living in the DC metro area but authorities remain confident that the assailants will be apprehended quickly. Lt. Aaron Watson, who was the investigating detective for the Moss case and is now part of the growing task force being set up to look into all three murders, had this to say: "We have every reason to believe that with the mountain of evidence we've collected and investigative work being done jointly by my office and the FBI, the killer or killers in these cases will be quickly brought to justice."

'Oh God.' She knew Amber Thompson. Not well, but she'd spoken to her on a number of occasions when Senator Brock had wanted to meet with Josh or Josh with her. She'd even met her once at a Congressional Christmas party. She was bright and attractive, smart as a whip with a master's degree in political science from Georgetown. The coffee cup slid out of her hand, and landed with a wet thud on the floor, spewing it's contents out in all directions, including Donna's pant leg and foot. But she didn't feel it. She only stared at the small color photo of Amber that was included with the article. The few people remaining in the mess looked up at the sound of the spilling coffee and noticed her standing there, frozen. But she didn't notice. Her eyes met Amber's. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm so sorry, Amber."

The nausea hit her then, like a hard wave it washed over her. Turning, she ran from the mess and down the hall to the bathroom where her vomiting removed all traces of the coffee she'd attempted to drink. After wiping her mouth and flushing the toilet, she slid into a sitting position on the floor and raised her hand to run it through her hair. No, wait she couldn't. Her hair was covered by Sydney's and she didn't want to risk possibly dislodging the wig. Her hand slowly closed into a tight fist. She banged it on her knee, harder and harder, trying to relieve the anger and frustration that seemed to haunt her but from which she could find no release, until both her hand and her knee cap began to throb.

Dropping her hand tiredly in her lap she stared up at the ceiling. Well, at least she hadn't lost the ability to feel physical pain. Her attacker had at least left her with that. Oh, and the ability apparently to vomit at regular intervals. Yeah, life was good.

"Okay, Sydney," she said to the deserted bathroom. "Time to get up off this floor and go back to work." Heaving herself up off the floor, she straightened her clothes and stepped out of the stall and walked to the sink. She rinsed her mouth and stood up. Sydney looked back at her from the mirror. Her hair was in place and didn't look any worse for wear. The whites of her eyes were a little red but the brown irises stared back at her. The eyes of a stranger. The eyes of someone who was a part of her but she didn't know. The eyes of the person she showed the world. A person that didn't really exist. "Well, you're just a fraud all the way around aren't you?" Donna said out loud. What she couldn't figure out was if she was talking to Sydney...or herself.

**********

After returning to the mess and cleaning up the spilt coffee and buying a bottle of water to replace the coffee, Donna had taken her muffin and the folded up newspaper - she'd need to add the news article to her collection - and went upstairs.

"Hey, Sydney," Ryan said with his usual goofy charm, as she entered the bullpen. "Where are those boxes you wanted me to take over to the OEOB?"

"Right over at my desk, Ryan," she told him.

"That muffin looks good. Where'd you get it? I overslept and didn't have any breakfast."

Donna looked at the plastic wrapped muffin clutched in her hand. After the episode in the bathroom, food wasn't going to be a high priority for a while. "I got it in the mess, but here," she said holding it out to him. "You can have it."

"Really?" he looked at her skeptically. "'Cause I wouldn't want...I mean it’s yours and all. I don't think..."

She really wasn't in a mood to banter with him right then. "Ryan? Are you going to take the damn muffin or not?" She said with more tiredness than temper.

"Ah.....sure," he said, taking it carefully out of her hand like it might be a lure in some kind of booby trap. "Thanks."

"Here are the boxes," she said, pointing to a small stack by her desk. "They need to be at the OEOB by noon." Pulling out her chair, she sat down.

"Right. I'll just...eat this muffin and then get right on it."

"Kay," she said, already not listening to him as she looked through her e-mail. There was a parting e-mail from Sam to her personal Yahoo account that made her smile.

To: harleysmom@yahoo.com  
From: sailingseaborn@aol.com  
Subject: Temporary Departure

Hey D,

I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to come by and say goodbye in person but the last couple of days have been crazy for me. I think Josh told you I found a place in Foggy Bottom for my new office. I'm really looking forward to coming back to DC in a couple months. Sooner if I can manage it. Seeing all of you again definitely cemented my decision to leave California and return to the Beltway.

Toby tells me I have a bright future as a personal shopper if the law practice falls through. I guess it's always good to have options. In all honesty, I'm glad I could help you with the shopping and the apartment.

I hope the next three months find you happy and healing. Tell Josh that he better be careful that he doesn't piss you off too much as I'll need someone to run my law office and I might steal you away from him. But seriously, always remember that Josh and I and, well...everyone care about you so much. Don't be afraid to lean on us once in a while. Weak or strong. Right or wrong. It's what friends do for friends. Take Care.

Love,  
Sam

Just as she finished reading, a breathless Josh burst into the bullpen. She turned to watch him. Still breathing a bit hard, he stopped and stood in front of her, staring at her through the glass partition. The only time he looked away from her was when he looked down at the folded newspaper on her desk. His face was one big worried question mark and she realized that he must have heard about Amber when he was on the Hill. Cocking his head, to signal he wanted to see her, he ambled into his office.

With a sigh, she followed him in and closed the door. She really didn't want to discuss this but she knew there was no way to get around it. He dropped his bag unceremoniously on the floor by his desk and turned to her. "You heard?"

"Yeah, I was in the mess and picked a copy of The Post someone had left behind," she told him.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," she said with a nod and a forced smile.

"'Cause I know that you kind of knew Amber from our dealings with Senator Brock." He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. "Heck, we all knew Amber. She was in half the meetings I had with Brock."

"Yeah, I know," Donna said, going into 'reassure Josh' mode. "How are you doing, Josh?"

"Oh, I'm okay," he said, waving away her concerns. He walked over to her and put his hands gently on her upper arms, "I was up on the Hill when I heard and I just didn't want you to find out from the TV again. I never thought about you doing something crazy like, say, reading the paper." He smiled a bit, then sobered. “I guess I just didn't want you to be alone when you found out."

"It's okay, Josh," she said with what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "I mean I was kind of hoping I was wrong and Kelly and I would be the only victims but Mike told us that my attacker was probably a serial killer, so it's not totally unexpected." 'Wow, you lied really good just then,' part of her accused.

"I know but...." He sighed and closed his eyes for a minute. "I guess Amber cuts kind of close to home again and reminds me a bit about what happened to you." 'And how close I came to losing you,' he added silently. Feeling the warmth of her arms under his hands helped to ease the knot that had apparently taken up residence in his chest.

She hugged him, as much for herself as for him, "I know, Josh. It's pretty scary. But I'm okay. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." She released him and smirked a little, "Although according to the e-mail I got from Sam this morning, you'd better not piss me off too much or he'll steal me away to run his new law office."

He knew she was teasing him and he appreciated it. "Well, then I guess I'll have to avoid pissing you off. Oh, but I can still yell at Sydney, right?"

Donna rolled her eyes. "Sure, Josh. Whatever. But you do realize that she's impervious to you, don't you?"

He grinned at her, "Yeah, I got that impression when during one of our bullpen 'tiffs' I called her a sloppy, disorganized half-wit and she just smiled and said, and I quote, 'It takes one to know one.'" They both chuckled about that for a moment.

"Sorry, it was the only comeback line I could think of," Donna told him.

"It was a little junior high of you, but it got the point across," he replied, sitting down in his chair. He looked up at her, the emotion in his eyes serious now. "Why don't you see if you can get Mike on the phone. Maybe he can tell me what they're doing to catch this guy."

Donna nodded and went out to place the call.

**********

Getting out of the shower, Donna wrapped herself in a robe and went into the living room. It was early yet, about 4:30 a.m. Although it was Saturday and she didn't need to go in until 10, she'd still gotten up early. She wasn't sleeping much these days anyway and it was just easier if she kept the same schedule whether it was a weekday or a weekend day.

Removing the bedding from her new, and now much more comfortable couch, she folded the linens and put them in away in the bedroom closet until she was ready to take them out again tonight. She'd pretty much resigned herself to sleeping on the couch. In the three months since her run in with Dr. Todd and her decision to not go to therapy, she'd tried sleeping in her bed a grand total of two times. Both times had been dismal failures.

The first time she'd lain awake the whole night. The only thing she managed to do was buy a juicer for Sam as a housewarming present. It was amazing what people would try to sell during late night TV. She'd also watched a rather mind-numbing marathon of old Godzilla movies on the Sci-Fi Channel. But sleep had completely eluded her.

The second time was predictable to say the least. She gone to sleep all right but had the same nightmare as before. The one that included the little black and white dog. She took it as a blessing that during that dream she'd woken up before Harley had made an appearance.

Moving into the kitchen, she flipped on the coffee maker and she fed Harley, who'd followed her out into the living room when he'd heard her exit the bathroom. While she waited for the coffee to brew she went back into the bedroom and pulled the two boxes out from under the bed. Carrying them back out into the dining room she did what she did every morning. She emptied the contents of both of them onto the table, separating each item into appropriate piles.

Hearing the coffee maker finish she got up and poured herself a cup. There was a calendar nearby. The days had begun to blur together for her and she rarely noted the calendar anymore when it wasn't work related. But for some reason she noted now that Halloween was coming in two weeks. 'Well,' she thought absently 'At least I already have my costume.' She frowned. 'But which one is the costume? Sydney or Donna?' It was getting harder and harder to tell.

As she'd done so often in the days, weeks and months since the attack she let that thought trail into nothing. It took too much energy to think about things like that. 

Putting her coffee down in the center of the table, she started at the beginning. She started with herself. With the clippings she's saved about her murder. And the note cards she's made about any tiny thing she remembered about that night. Each pile had its own set of clippings, its own set of note cards. Once she'd read everything in her pile, she moved onto the next one. To Kelly. 

Then to Amber Thompson.

Then to Tanya Clark. The clerk that had worked at the deli near Donna's old apartment and lived in Adams Morgan. At 22, she was the youngest of the victims.

Then to Sarah James. She'd worked at the Smithsonian as a curator and lived in Foggy Bottom. 

Then to Angela Harrison. The waitress who'd been trying to put herself through law school at Georgetown. 

And to Brenda Cunningham, the newest addition to what Donna had dubbed, the '7 Sisters.' She had been a clerk at the Library of Congress.

Donna, at 32, was the oldest of the 'Sisters' and she felt kind of like a big sister to her younger 'siblings.' That was one reason why she poured over these clippings every day and why she made note cards about important information pertaining to each of their cases. The other was to remember them, to never forget the six bright women who'd been visited by the same monster that she had. The monster now called "The DC Strangler" by the press. The monster she'd been unable to stop. The one that she couldn't even remember.

Through her numerous phone calls with Mike Casper, she'd learned that all seven cases were definitely related. All the victims had the same general physical characteristics and lived either in the Adams Morgan or Foggy Bottom neighborhoods of DC. All had received a immobilizing blow to the head. All had been sexually assaulted. All had an identical burn on their hip. All had been strangled. All of the crime scenes had been unusually cold because the AC units had been turned all the way up. All had something personal, usually a cell phone, taken from their apartments by the killer. And someone in each of the victims lives, usually the first one listed on their cell phone address books or speed dials had been contacted by the killer. 

But there were some differences, part of which Mike attributed to the fact that predators get better with each attack. They learn and refine their technique with each murder. 

Donna's murder had been the only one with evidence of a gun being involved. Donna, Amber, and Angela had all been beaten fairly badly, especially about the head. Leaving Mike and the DC police to theorize that, as in Donna's case, the killer had gotten angry when the victims had been unconscious or only semi-conscious during the attacks. He'd used a condom when he'd raped and then murdered the last three, Sarah, Angela and Brenda but it didn't matter because he'd left behind enough other DNA, mostly through hair and fingerprints that the same killer could be linked to all the murders. 

Usually during her calls with Mike he would apologize to her for not being able to stop the killer and for the fact that she'd had to remain 'Sydney' for as long as she had. He told Donna that he never imagined the hunt for her attacker would go on so long.

But she knew that the 'DC Strangler' task force that Mike and Lieutenant Watson was heading up, were doing everything thing they could to find the killer. She also knew that they'd been thwarted at every turn. No known records of his DNA or fingerprints had been found at any agency that kept such records. And except for the Adams Morgan and Foggy Bottom connection and the fact that the victims were all single and blonde, there was just no way to predict where he would strike next. It didn't help that they were being deeply criticized in the press and in public opinion.

Normally when a serial killed struck it was in at an 'at risk' group. Prostitutes, runaways, transients, children, etc. But this killer was assaulting and murdering women in their own homes and there seemed to be virtually NO witnesses. Mike said he hadn't heard of anything quite like it since the files he'd read on Ted Bundy. That led the task force to theorize that not only was he carefully targeting his victims but he was careful and non-descript enough that he blended into his surroundings. Never leaving anyone with enough of an impression to remember. 

He knew how to get in and he'd lie in wait for his victim. Knew when they'd be coming home. Knew if they had pets. So far none of the victims had been pet owners. Knew who left their windows open. Knew whose building did and did not have a doorman. Knew who had fire escapes. He'd used a glass cutter to get into two of the apartments, clearly reinforcing Sam and Josh's assertion that he still would have gotten into Donna apartment even if she'd had her windows closed and locked.

She gave the 'Sisters' a final look. Even their faces failed to stir her anymore. There was just....nothing. Her head felt badly they'd died and that she hadn't been able to help save them. But it was like something had been severed between her head and heart. The signals didn't connect between the two anymore. So while her heart continued to beat, it was empty. About the only things she managed to feel anymore were bouts of fear and anger.

With a sigh, she carefully, reverently put everything back into the boxes and she put them away until tomorrow.

**********

Josh came back from Toby's office and entered the bull pen to find Donna yelling at Ryan. Not necessarily an unreasonable pastime in and of itself but she seemed to be on a very short fuse with everyone these days. The moment that she saw Josh, she stopped her verbal assault on Ryan and sat down at her desk. Ryan took the opportunity to quietly scurry away. Josh knew the fact that her attacker hadn't been caught and it was still necessary for her to keep up her masquerade as Sydney, didn't help. He just wished he knew how to help her.

Then he had an idea. “Come with me, Sydney,” he said, taking her gently by the arm and tugging her up and out of her chair and into his office.

“What?” she said as he closed the door behind them.

“Lean up against the wall,” Josh told her.

She looked at him skeptically, “Josh, is this some kind of kinky come on that I’m going to have to file harassment charges for?”

He grinned, knowing she was kidding and enjoying the fact that she was making an attempt to bring the banter, which seemed harder and harder for her to do these days. “Just humor me and lean with your back up against the wall.”

Walking over the wall, she did as he asked. “Okay, now what?” she asked.

Josh walked over and leaned back up against the wall next to her. He turned his head and looked at her, “I’ve never told you this but Stanley told me this is a good way to calm myself when I’m feeling overwhelmed or like I’m going to have an attack. I know that you’ve caught me in here a time or two leaning against the wall just like this. You never asked me why, you just gave me that cute, slightly amused smile you have and went about your business.” He paused, trying to find the right words. He took her hand in a gesture that was more supportive than romantic. “If you’re ever feeling like things are getting to be too much, I want you to feel free to come in her and pull up some wall.”

His words along with the warmth of his hand in hers, touched some sleeping part of her heart. Before the incident it would have had her getting all teary but while her head knew how unbearably sweet and supportive he was being, her heart only managed to sigh softly. “Thanks Josh. I appreciate that,” she paused. “But you don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine.”

'Oh, Donnatella, you’re really not,' he thought. 'I’ve seen the look in your eyes before. In my own mirror.' He kept hoping that with time, support and therapy, the look would fade. But the haunting emptiness, beyond the blankness she'd shown right after the attack, seemed to have taken up permanent residence in her eyes. She tried to hide it behind those terrible glasses or a rare smile or a flippant remark or even the occasional angry words but he still saw that look. Knew that look. 

Whenever he would try and ask her about it, she would get defensive and say she was working with her therapist to handle it the best that she could. What could he say to that? She was apparently doing everything that needed to be done. But still he worried. 

Of course, he had no idea that she wasn’t getting any therapy and he was right to worry.

Even through her padded body suit he could see that she'd lost weight. And whenever he saw her without the suit on she wore long, loose fitting blouses or bulky sweaters. He rarely saw her eat and she'd turned into more of a work-a-holic than he was. She was there when he got in every morning and he suspected that the only reason why she wasn't there every night when he left was because she had to take Harley home to feed him. To Josh, if for no other reason than that, Harley was worth his weight in gold. Of course there was also the fact that although he had to fight the big mutt for the couch on a number of occasions, Harley had grown on him in the last three months.

Not quite sure what else to do, Josh nodded and let go of her hand. “Okay. Now get back to work,” he said, softly, pushing away from the wall.

Actually, she thought, it felt kind of soothing to lean up against the wall. “Josh?”

“Yeah?” he said, turning to face her.

“Would you mind if I just stood here for just minute?” 

He smiled at her softly, “No, I don’t mind at all.”

“You’ve got your meeting with Leo in 5 minutes,” she reminded him.

“Right. I’m going. You stay here as long as you like.” Hope began to flutter in his chest as he turned and opened the door, careful not to let it swing open too far and smack her.

“Josh?” she said softly.

He stopped, “Yeah?”

“Thanks.”

“No problem,” he replied. He watched her for a moment and then he stepped out into the hall, closing the door behind him. As he walked to Leo's office, he made a mental note to call Stanley after his meeting. There was something going on and Stanley was the one to help him get to the bottom of it.

TBC


	5. Broken Glass: Chapters 21-25

Chapter 21 - MATURE

It was late, even by White House standards, but for Senior Staff and their assistants there was no going home. As Matt Skinner had predicted, the Foley bill, a piece of sweeping environmental protection legislation, had squeaked its way out of committee and was coming up for a vote in the House tomorrow. The vote would be close, and they were working every angle and talking to anyone and everyone that they thought could help them get it passed.

That aside, and because of the late hour, the atmosphere among Senior Staff was decidedly relaxed. Sam was currently driving in from California and was due into town in the next few days. In celebration of his permanent return and what would hopefully be a win in the House tomorrow, they’d planned to all go out to dinner Saturday night. 

The President was in his private study in the residence, catching up on some reading. Leo was speaking to the minority whip to express to him just how important it was that the bill pass while Margaret sat at her desk worrying that Leo was working to much and sleeping too little. Josh was currently turning the screws to an on-the-fence Democratic Congresswoman from Michigan. CJ was reviewing some notes for her morning briefing while Carol worked on some fact checking. Toby had just finished writing the press statement CJ would put out if the bill passed and was currently bouncing one of his trademark red rubber balls against the wall. As soon as he pulled out the ball, Ginger and Bonnie had quickly and mysteriously cleared out of the communication bullpen.

Donna was sitting at her desk, waiting for Josh to finish so she could place his next call. While she waited, she searched the Internet for any articles about the murders. Harley lay on the floor next to her, sound asleep and snoring softly. Because of the late hour and the casual atmosphere of the evening, Josh had let her bring Harley into the bullpen for the evening. He was calling Harley the team mascot and their good luck charm.

“Congresswoman Aimes, yes, the bill will be a little hard on the auto makers by making them conform to more stringent emission standards, but it will be worth it in the long run with lower pollution rates,” he argued. At the moment, the freshman Congresswoman was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Namely, the auto makers in Detroit who had funded much of her campaign and the White House. Josh listened to her argument with a little less attention than he would have normally shown. As much as he wanted the bill to pass, his mind was fairly well occupied elsewhere. Namely with Donna.

After his meeting with Leo yesterday, Josh had talked to Stanley on the phone. Stanley agreed that things did not seem like they were going that well for Donna and therapy. But he also pointed out that she may have a lot of issues she’s dealing with and as long as she wasn’t a danger to herself or anyone else AND she was going to therapy there wasn’t too much more Josh could do but be there for her as a friend. He suggested that Josh just give her a little more time. If things still weren’t getting any better after another week or two, Stanley told Josh to call him and they’d look at things a bit more closely.

On the one hand, the conversation had done little to put Josh’s mind at ease, mostly because it involved him not actually DOING anything. For Josh, the consummate fixer, that was a hard thing. But on the other hand, at least Stanley had acknowledged that his concerns were not unfounded and he’d given some kind of a deadline for when some kind of action might need to be taken. That was something anyway.

Trying to focus in on what Congresswoman Aimes was saying he argued back and forth with her for a few minutes longer. She was still wavering but he sensed that by the end of the call, she was wavering in the direction of the White House.

Hanging up the phone, he sat back in his chair for a minute and took a breath. He knew she was sitting out at her desk, waiting to make his next call. But he decided it was time for one of the “being there for her” moments Stanley had mentioned. Pulling out his cell phone he typed in a text message and sent it off to her. “Could you please come in here for a minute?” Even from his office, he could hear her cell phone signal the incoming message in the now quiet bullpen. She appeared in his doorway a moment later. 

In the low evening light she looked even thinner than she had yesterday afternoon, especially her face. Although her wig and glasses hid a lot of her face, he thought her cheekbones looked a little too sharp, her cheeks and her eyes a little too sunken. Stanley had said to wait a week to two weeks. Well, he decided right then that a week was as long as he was going to be able to hold out. He was just too concerned about her.

“Did you need something?” she asked.

“Yeah, could you come in and close the door, please.” He asked it gently but it wasn’t a question. She did so and stood in front of his desk. “Sit down,” he told her. 

She sat down in one of his visitors chairs, “Okay, I’m sitting as requested. What do you need?”

Josh sighed at her almost snippy tone. “I need you to talk to me.”

“About what?” 

Josh leaned forward and rested his weight on his elbows. “How are you?”

“Josh, do we have to do this now? In case you haven’t noticed, we’re in the middle of getting this bill passed. All of your attention should be focused there,” she told him, hoping that would get him to drop it.

He saw the attempt at misdirection for what it was and he realized that she’d been doing it a lot over the last few months. But he was done letting her get away with it. “Donna,” he said, getting up from his chair and sitting in the other visitor’s chair opposite her. “You’re right, the bill is important to me.” He paused and looked at her squarely. “But not as important as you are.” Carefully, he laid his hand over hers, “I’m really worried about you.”

Her head knew his words should stir something in her but her emotions wouldn’t cooperate. “You don’t need to worry about me, Josh. I’m...”

“Fine?” he finished for her.

“What, do I call you the Great Creskin now?” 

“Donna...” he began.

“No, Josh,” she said, pulling her hand out from under his. “How many times do I have to tell you that I’ve got everything under control? I’m going to therapy like you told me to.” She didn’t even bother to acknowledge it was a lie anymore. “What more do you want me to do?”

Josh kept a reign on his frustration, “Donna, you’ve been saying that for the last three months. I’m telling you this because I’m your friend and I care about you, but you don’t seem to be getting better. If anything it’s like you’re getting worse. You’re snapping at everyone. You can bring the banter but you never smile.”

She wasn’t going to have this conversation with him. “That’s it? I’m snappy and I don’t smile? Well, Josh, I’m sorry if I’m a little under par after everything that’s happened to me in the last three months. In case you haven’t noticed there’s been some major crap going on in my life.”

“I know that better than anyone, Donna,” he said, quietly. “I was the one who held you, remember? Held your head when you were sick and held you to keep the nightmares away so you could sleep.”

His words were like a slap to her. Not because he’d said them harshly or meant them that way but because they were true and truth had not been one of Donna’s best traits in the last few months. She opened her mouth to snap out an angry reply, then shut it. She’d been about to ask him why he’d stopped doing both. Why she got sick with no one but Harley around and why he wasn’t there when she woke in the night with mindless terror thick in her heart. But she knew the answer to both. Because she’d lied to him and kept him away so he wouldn’t see what was really going on. Wouldn’t see that at times she felt like a stranger in her own skin. It didn’t help that last night, she’d had her first nightmare while sleeping on the couch. Now even that refuge was lost to her. The pieces of her life seemed to be crashing down around her and she didn’t know what she was going to do or how to fix it. All she did know was that she was NOT going back to Dr. Todd.

She somehow managed to control the anger that threatened to break loose and took a breath. “Yes, Josh, I remember,” she replied. It seemed like a lifetime ago. “But that was then and this is now and I’ve got to fix this on my own and Dr. Todd says it won’t happen overnight. You just need to give me some more time.”

Josh looked at her for a moment. He didn’t think she was nearly as calm as she was acting. But Stanley had told him to wait a week, so he would wait a week and not a day more. If she hated him for butting in, he could deal with that. She’d pulled him back from the abyss after Rosslyn and he was going to do the same for her. “Okay, Donna. Just promise me you’ll think about what I said.”

“I will, I promise,” she replied standing up, slightly relieved that the conversation appeared to be over.

Josh felt like it was a mistake but he didn’t know what else to do, so he sighed and stood up, “All right. Could you please get me Congressman Stephens on the phone?” he asked her as he walked around behind his desk and sat down.

“The one from Oregon or the one from Arizona?” she asked him, trying to use work as a shield.

“The one from Arizona.”

“Will do,” she said and pulled open his door so she could escape. Walking out into the bullpen she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the spot where Harley had been sleeping was now empty. She tried to hold onto her panic as she backed up and poked her head back in his office. “Josh, have you seen Harley?”

**********

Harley had woken up about the time Donna had closed the door to Josh’s office. He got up and trotted to the door. He picked up the familiar scent of his human as it trailed across the room and disappeared under the door. Harley could also just pick up the scent of the other human. The one who fed him when he stared at him long enough and who liked to play dog pile on the couch. He must be in the room with his human. His sensitive ears could just make the soft murmuring of their voices. He sat down for a minute and considered his options. There wasn’t anyone around and his human seemed in good hands so maybe it was time he did some exploring. After all he might find some tasty morsel to satisfy his rumbling stomach. He’d only be gone for a few minutes anyway. Well, unless he found something interesting to eat or chase.

Trotting across the hardwood floors of the bullpen his toenails made a slight clicking sound as he moved. His first stop was the room at the end of the hall. The first human was looking over something on her desk. She didn’t look much fun at all.

A few feet away in the other, bigger room was another human. She was mumbling to herself as she read something. But on the corner of her desk was something very interesting. A big bowl, like his water dish, but bigger and you could see through this one. And there were pretty things in it. Rocks and a little building. The building looked just like the outside of the white big house he was inside right now. But the most amazing thing in the bowl was a gold thing and it moved. Fascinated, Harley sat there, looking up at the bowl. The gold thing went up and down and around. It played with some little rocks, sucking them in and spitting them out. Harley could identify with that. 

When he was little he’d eaten all kind of fun stuff. Rocks and sticks. Shoes and hot dogs; he LOVED hot dogs. Blankets and grass. Newspapers and squirrels. Well, he hadn’t eaten that squirrel so much as he tried to play with it but it wasn’t very sturdy and soon it ended up just lying there which was no fun at all. So he’d carefully taken it to his previous human as a present. His previous human had seemed underwhelmed at his thoughtfulness, to say the least, and the squirrel had quickly disappeared. That was the first and last time Harley had tried to play with, or eat, squirrels. They were too fuzzy anyway. 

But this little gold thing was fascinating. It didn’t have legs or anything and yet it seemed to just hover in the water. ‘Hmmm,’ he thought. ‘This might need closer investigation.’ He jumped up and laid his front paws on the end of the desk. The new position brought him eye-to-eye with the little gold thing. And prompted the human sitting at the desk to look up and let out a screech.

“EEK! Harley!” CJ screeched, holding her hand over her heart. “You scared the crap out of me. What are you doing in here, you crazy mutt?” Harley glanced from Gail to CJ and then back to Gail. He had the same look in his eye that Josh and Sam had right before they went to try and build a fire in the Andrew Johnson fireplace. CJ had dubbed it the “I’m-looking-for-trouble-but-it’s-okay-‘cause-I-know-what-I’m-doing” look. “Oh, no you don’t, mister! Gail is mine. She is not your next dog treat. Dogs don’t like fish anyway. What are you, part cat?”

‘Cat? Did she say cat? Where?’ Harley thought. He abandoned his vigil of Gail’s bowl to look back at her, his ears alert for any further information on possible cat sightings. He’d never eaten a cat but there was a first time for everything. If nothing else it would definitely be fun to chase one. That he’d definitely done before. The best part was that cats were sturdier than squirrels.

CJ had to admit Donna had definitely picked an interesting dog. Some of his expressions were downright....human. You could almost hear him speaking. Josh wasn’t the only one that Harley had grown on in the past couple of months. “No, Harley. I didn’t say there was a cat. I said are YOU part cat?”

‘Well, she doesn’t need to be insulting,’ Harley thought. 

CJ sighed, “Harley, I’ll make you a deal. If you get your paws off my desk and go bother someone else, like say....Toby, I’ll give you some beef jerky I’ve got in my desk. Do we have a deal?”

Harley didn’t know what beef jerky was but it sounded good. With a long, last look at the pretty gold thing, he pulled his paws off the desk and walked over to her. She ran her hand over his head and, smiling, scratched him behind the ears. 

CJ reached over and pulled the beef jerky up for him to see, “As promised,” she said. 

‘Oooo, beef jerky looks very promising,’ he thought. He could already smell the salty, meaty goodness of it. He stretched his neck up a bit to get closer to it.

“Ah, ah. No, outside my office, then you get the jerky. I don’t know that I trust you not to finish off the jerky and still have Gail for dessert.” She stood up and walked to the door. “Come on,” she said. Harley followed her out into the hallway. 

Carol was standing out by her desk and had heard the entire exchange. “So he was eyeing Gail, huh?” she said, patting Harley on the head.

“Yeah, remind me to get a bag of dog treats for my desk. It may be the only way Gail will see her next birthday, spawnday, whatever.” She looked down at Harley, “Okay, kiddo. Here you go.” She held the jerky out and he took it carefully out of her hand and started chomping it down. Carol and CJ smiled. “Okay, I’m going to get back to work,” CJ said. She bent down to Harley, “Like I said, if it wouldn’t be too much trouble, go bug Toby.” With a smirk she went back into her office and closed the door. That was the only piece of beef jerky she had and she wasn’t sure she could guarantee’s Gail’s safety if she left the door open.

Harley finished the last bit of beef jerky. He LOVED beef jerky. It now beat out hot dogs as his favorite food. How had he gone so long without trying this amazing treat? He looked at CJ’s closed door and then looked up at Carol forlornly. 

“Hey, don’t look at me. I don’t even have a cracker I could give you and I think you cleaned out CJ, so I wouldn’t expect any more from her,” she said. Then she leaned in conspiratorially and picked up CJ’s line of reasoning, “But I bet Toby has something you might like. His office is that way,” she whispered, pointing down the hall. “Just don’t tell him I told you.”

‘What’s was a Toby?’ Harley wondered. Curiosity was getting the better of him he took the human’s advice and set off down the hallway.

Carol watched him go a little amazed that he was going in the direction she’d pointed him in. He couldn’t really be headed to off to find Toby. Could he? She poked her head into CJ’s office. “Um, CJ?”

“Yeah,” she said without looking up.

“You know I pointed down the hall toward Toby’s office and told Harley that Toby might have something for him to eat. You don’t think....”

CJ looked up now. It had been an endless day and she could use a little comic relief, “That he’s ACTUALLY going to go and pester Toby?” CJ finished with a sprouting grin. “If he does I’m getting him a gift card from the pet store that Donna uses.” CJ hopped out of her chair, “Let’s go.” The two of the trotted out of CJ’s office after Harley. Of course, to protect Gail, CJ pulled the door closed just in case Harley circled back.

Harley walked down the hall near the communications bullpen. This was a pretty nice place. What more could a dog ask for? Shiny floors that made noise when he walked, just like at home. Soft carpets. Little floating gold things. Beef jerky. And his human, whom he adored. He just wished she was happier. He tried his best to make her smile like she used to but it was getting harder and harder. But she was still nice to him and fed him and bought him things and took him for walks so he couldn’t complain.

Then Harley heard it.

Bounce....bounce....thwack.  
Bounce....bounce....thwack.  
Bounce....bounce....thwack.

This required investigating.

Toby sat banging the red rubber ball against the wall. It helped him think. It helped keep him calm. And sometimes, like tonight, he did it just to be annoying to anyone who might want to come and bother him. It had become so second nature that he wasn’t even watching where it was bouncing anymore. He had a TV on in his office and was watching Politically Incorrect while he bounced it. 

Bounce, against the floor....bounce, rebound against the wall....thwack, fly back into his hand.   
Bounce, against the floor....bounce, rebound against the wall....thwack, fly back into his hand.   
Bounce, against the floor....bounce, rebound against the wall....thwack, fly back into his hand. 

Harley walked into the communications bullpen. He didn’t see anyone but he could still hear that intriguing noise.

Bounce....bounce....thwack.  
Bounce....bounce....thwack.  
Bounce....bounce....thwack.

Then Harley found the source of the noise. His eyes took on CJ’s “I’m-looking-for-trouble-but-it’s-okay-‘cause-I-know-what-I’m-doing” look. It was a ball. He almost loved bouncing rubber balls as much as he loved hot dogs, but not more than beef jerky. Beef jerky was now his most favorite thing of all. He sat down and watched the ball moving hypnotically back and forth from the human’s hand against the floor, against the wall and then back into his hand. His head bounced from point to point the ball made. Even Harley was impressed that the human didn’t have to look at the ball to know where it was. That was real talent.

Bounce, against the floor....bounce, rebound against the wall....thwack, fly back into his hand.   
Bounce, against the floor....bounce, rebound against the wall....thwack, fly back into his hand.   
Bounce, against the floor....bounce, rebound against the wall....thwack, fly back into his hand. 

CJ and Carol stood in the hall outside the communications bullpen. They were peeking carefully through the window, watching the unfolding scene and trying not to snicker too loudly at what they suspected was coming. The way Harley’s head was bouncing in time with the ball he looked a little like he was watching a three-handed tennis game.

Harley followed the ball, unconsciously picking up the rhythm of it. He used to be pretty good at catching Frisbees out of the air. The gleam in his eyes got brighter as his whole body tensed.

Toby couldn’t believe how stupid some of the panelists on this show were. It was like someone paid them to be as stupid and vapid as possible.

Bounce, against the floor....bounce, rebound against the wall....thwack, fly back into his hand.   
Bounce, against the floor....bounce, rebound against the wall....thwack, fly back into his hand.   
Bounce, against the floor....bounce, rebound against the wall..... 

Toby’s hand came up empty. It was so unexpected that his hand actually made the motion to throw the ball again before he realized there was no ball in it. He looked at his hand as if it had turned purple or something. Then he glanced at the section of the floor and wall where he’d been bouncing the ball. Then he heard the heavy breathing and turned toward his doorway. There was Harley, sitting calmly, his tail wagging. Like a hard won trophy, Toby’s red rubber ball filled his mouth.

Toby just stared at him, he was silently impressed that the dog had apparently snatched the ball right out of the air. “Good evening, Harley. That was very sneaky of you. Now, can I have my ball back please?” Harley’s only response was to wag his tail harder. “Okay, Harley. What’s it going to take for you to cough up the ball?” In response, Harley rolled the ball in his mouth leaving some very deep teeth marks. Toby winced. “Harley, you really need to stop that. Your teeth marks are totally going to throw off the balance of the ball.” As if he understood, Harley dropped the ball near his front paws.

Toby sighed and got up out of his chair to retrieve the ball. In response, Harley picked the ball again and took a step back. He rolled the ball in his mouth again and this time he growled playfully.

Toby stopped and ran his hand over his forehead, “Okay, see, I don’t think you realize that you’re supposed to be scared of me. I am the human and YOU are the dog. You know, man’s best friend and faithful to the whatever?!” His voice rose a bit at the end. Harley took another step back and continued to chew on the ball and growl.

Out in the hall, CJ and Carol were all but doubled over with laughter at seeing Toby try and talk the ball away from Harley.

“Okay, Harley, this is your last chance. Give me the ball or there’s going to be trouble.” Toby was now standing in his doorway and Harley was standing by Ginger’s desk. Harley’s only response was his continued playful growl. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Toby lunged for him and Harley whipped around and darted out into the hall. With Toby on his heels, Harley raced down the hall, past a now loudly laughing CJ and Carol.

Toby slowed down long enough long to scowl at both of them. “Did either of you have something to do with this?” Toby yelled. “Cause if you did, you’ll be paying through the nose.” He turned and hurried after Harley.

“Come on,” CJ told Carol between gasping breaths. “I’ve got to see this,” she said, pulling Carol with her. The were giggling and laughing so hard they stumbled down the hall like two drunken sailors.

Harley ran down the hall evading the grumpy human. He loved this game. The grumpy human seemed to be especially good at it because he got so excited. Harley loved it when the humans got excited and chased him. He burst into the bullpen and headed for the dog pile on the couch human. His feet slipped slightly as he went from carpet to the hardwood floor and he had to scramble frantically to keep his feet from slipping out from under him as he ran around the corner. Then he had to scramble again to pick up speed. He had to hurry or the grumpy human would win. Running past his human’s desk, he darted through the open door and crossed into the dog pile on the couch human’s office. It was carpeted which made it easy for him to stop right next to the human.

“Harley? Where have you been? She’s worried sick,” Josh said to him. Then he blinked, “What do you have in your mouth?” In response, Harley took a step forward and dropped the ball in Josh’s lap. Then, panting hard from running, he sat back and looked up at Josh expectantly.

“HARLEY!” Josh heard Toby bellow.

Josh realized what the wet, red, rubber lump was and he grinned. “Harley, quick, over here,” Josh whispered, pointing to the far side of the back of his desk. Harley trotted over and sat down. “Now, stay and be quiet,” he said softly to Harley. Toby would have to come completely around to the back side of Josh’s desk to see Harley. He slid his chair farther under the desk so Toby wouldn’t see what was left of the red rubber ball in his lap. 

“HARLEY!” Toby said, bursting into Josh’s office.

“No, Toby I keep telling you. The name is Josh. Jo-sh-ua Ly-man. Say it with me.”

Toby was out of breath. “Where’s the mutt?”

“Which mutt would that be?” Josh asked him.

“Scooby-Doo, Josh,” Toby yelled in frustration. “Who do you think? HARLEY!”

Josh casually kept one hand down on Harley’s neck so he wouldn’t come out at the sound of someone calling him. “Oh, that mutt.”

“Yeah, that mutt. He took my...I was bouncing...he snatched the, you know, right out of the air. Then CJ and Carol...” at the sound of giggling. Josh and Toby turned to see CJ and Carol in his doorway, still laughing. “CJ and CAROL!” Toby exclaimed and pointed at them, as if that explained everything. “I’m sure they know something.” Then Toby turned back to Josh. “So?”

Josh looked at him and gave him a carefully schooled frown. “So.....? What was the question again?”

“What was the....?” Toby frowned at him. “It was about where...or if you’ve see the.... Oh, forget it, I’ll just keep looking for that crazy dog.” He started to stalk out of the office. “And STOP following me around! I can find him on my own. I don’t need your help or whatever,” he told CJ and Carol as she moved past them. His exit prompted a whole new round of giggles from them.

Josh pulled out his phone and sent Donna a text message. “He’s fine. He’s in my office.” He knew how worried she was. He wouldn’t soon forget the look of panic had appeared suddenly on her fact when she saw that Harley was missing.

“So where is he?” CJ said when she could breathe again.

Josh grinned, “What makes you think he’s here?”

“Elementary my good Mr. Lyman. One, he was being chased. What is more natural than a dog that wants to return to his owner. But D...Sydney wasn’t there so he settled for you.” She paused and looked at Josh. “And two, there’s a small blotch of red rubber stuff, like from Toby’s red rubber ball, there on the floor by your desk. See how simple it was to figure out?”

Just then they heard the sound of pounding footsteps and the doors to the bullpen being thrown open. “Harley!” It was Donna’s voice this time. Josh took his hand off Harley, who started out and around Josh as Donna rushed past CJ and Carol into the room. “Oh, Harley!” she said. They met each other in halfway in the middle of the room. Donna dropped to her knees and hugged him.

“You crazy dog. You scared me!” she said she hugged him and he licked her face. “Please don’t do that again.” She looked up at Josh. “Where was he?”

“He came into my office carrying this,” he said, holding up the mangled ball. “I have a feeling he went to visit Toby.”

She looked at the ball he held up. “Oh, Harley. It’s not good to tease Toby like that. He could make your life, and mine, very difficult.” 

“He also paid me and Gail a visit. He was eyeing Gail a little suspiciously.” She paused. “I told him I thought he might be part cat. He didn’t seem to appreciate that so much.”

“You’ve been a busy boy,” she said stroking behind his ears. He continued to lick her face. “Okay, okay. You’re forgiven.”

Josh watched her and frowned a bit. He could tell she was relieved to see Harley but she still didn’t smile. Didn’t seem happy. What the hell was going on?

**********

Today was the day. The house would soon be voting on the Foley bill and, as usual, Josh was pacing nervously through the bull pen. Donna had left for her therapy appointment 10 minutes ago and in addition to worrying about the bill he was worried about her. Maybe there would be some kind of breakthrough for her in therapy today. Maybe today would be the day that she turned some corner toward getting better. 

God, he hoped so.

“RYAN!” he bellowed.

Ryan popped up from his desk. “Yeah?”

“Go down to the mess and get me something for lunch,” he said. It was a little early for lunch, but it always made him feel good to order Ryan around, especially when it was for some minor, meaningless task.

Ryan looked at him a minute. “You know, me ordering food for you probably isn’t a good idea. That’s one of the those little details that Sydney excels at. Why don’t you just have her do it?”

“Look, Junior, you’re not fit to lick Sydney’s boots, much less be raising yourself above her in any level of competence. So, when I tell you to do something, instead of insulting her and trying to make yourself into little Lord Fauntleroy, I’d like you to just do it.”

“I just don’t see why she can’t do it.”

Josh had to take a breath to keep from throwing something large and heavy at Ryan in frustration. “Because she’s not here. She left the building 10 minutes ago.”

Ryan looked at him for a minute. “No, she didn’t.”

“Excuse me? Are you delusional as well as useless now?”

“Um, no, at least I don’t think so,” Ryan said with a frown. “But in any case, 5 minutes ago I saw her heading downstairs.” He paused. “And you know, come to think of it she was wearing her coat and carrying her purse which is kind of weird....”

Without hearing what else Ryan was babbling about, Josh turned and went into his office. He had a really, really, bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Picking up the receiver he punched in the number he wanted.

“Ron Butterfield.”

“Ron? This is Josh Lyman.”

“Yes, Josh. What can I do for you?” Ron asked in his usual calm manner.

“I need to find Sydney. I think she went downstairs and was wondering if you could check the security cameras and see if you can tell me where she went. It’s very important I find her.” Worried panic had begun seeping in and Josh’s heart had begun to beat a little faster.

“Oh, sure Josh. Let me check with the agents on duty in the monitoring room. I’ll call you back in just a minute. Are you in your office?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Ron.” Josh hung up the phone and started to pace the confines of his office. So what did this mean? Was there an easy explanation? Did she just have to run downstairs for something before she left or was there more to it than that? Had she been lying to him all this time? He could hardly believe that. Why would she lie to him? What could she possibly have to gain? He only cared about her. For as many times in the last two weeks he asked himself the same question. ‘What the HELL is going on?’

His phone rang a few minutes later and from the display he could see it was an internal call from Ron’s office. He snatched the receiver out of the cradle. “Ron, did you find her?”

‘Yeah, Josh. They located her from the video surveillance tape.”

“Where?”

Ron said one word in reply, but it was all Josh needed, “Sagittarius.”

**********

Donna stood and looked at the board she’d set up on the easel. It was a map of DC and she’d put a different pin in each of the murder sites. A small picture of each victim, including one of her, was posted next to each the pin. She was looking for a geographical pattern to the murders but other than the fact they were clustered in Foggy Bottom and Adams Morgan, she couldn’t find one. On the table behind her, next to her coat and purse, was a small notebook that contained the pertinent facts of the case scribbled in her own handwriting.

Now that there was no guard at the door and no one came down here anymore, she always had this time, the time when she told Josh she was going to therapy, to herself. She’d stashed a few things, all having to do with the murders, down here to keep her occupied during her ‘therapy.’ Donna considered it her own brand of therapy. Just as she did every morning, she would spend the time thinking.

Suddenly she heard someone turn the knob on the door. She didn’t have time to go over and switch off the light or hide the map board, so she snatched up her purse, coat and notebook and moved deeper into the room where the shadows were more pronounced. Shoving her things onto a dark, empty shelf, she ducked into a shadowy corner behind some boxes. Her heart was beating so fast it was deafening. She heard the door open.

“Donna?’

‘Oh, God,’ she thought. ‘It’s Josh.’ How did he find her? How did he know she was here? She always tried to be so careful when she slipped away and down here. Although she had to admit, she’d been in a bit of a hurry to get down here this morning. She had to add Brenda Cunningham’s picture to the map board. Maybe she was getting sloppy and someone had seen her.

“Donna? I know you’re down here. Come out. I want to talk to you.”

Well, she sure as hell didn’t want to talk to him. She heard his footsteps come down the short flight of stairs into the main part of the room. He was going to want to know about therapy, or lack thereof, and he was going to want to have another talk like last night’s. She wasn’t sure she could handle that.

“Please come out, Donna. We need to talk.”

“I don’t want to talk,” she said before she could stop herself. “Go back to your office and get the bill passed.”

Josh’s head snapped around the direction her voice had come from. He considered walking over there and finding her hiding place and dragging her out. Lord knew he was angry and worried enough about her to do it, but he thought it might be better for both of them if she came out on her own. He saw the map board and walked over to it. “Screw the damn bill, Donna. You know why I’m here and it’s more important to me than handholding the House Democrats to get them to pass the bill.”

That got no response so he continued. “So this is where you’ve been spending your Wednesday mornings.” He looked at the markers and the faces on the map board. A tiny chill when through him when he realized they were all the murdered victims. He guessed Donna had been the one to put it together. The word ‘obsession’ popped into his head. “Donna, come out here where I can see you. I don’t like talking to shadows.” No response. He tried a different tactic. “It looks like you’ve been busy.” He reached out and started to pick it up off the easel. 

She could see what he was doing from her hiding place. “Put it down,” she said with a tone that meant she was very serious. She didn’t want anyone, not even Josh, touching the board. It was her private business.

“I’ll only put it back if you come out and talk to me,” he told her calmly.

“Fine,” she said, stepping out from the dark shadows and into the half shadows where he could at least sort of see her. “Satisfied?”

He looked from the board to her. “No, come all the way into the light.”

Donna took two more, somewhat angry steps into the room. “Now, put it down.”

“Sure,” he said, gently setting it back on the easel. “A promise is a promise after all.” He turned to look at her for a minute. Every muscle in her body looked coiled, like a snake ready to strike. Even behind her brown contacts he could see her anger and, if he wasn’t mistaken, pain. “At least that’s what I always thought. You however seem to have a different interpretation of that idea. After all, weren’t you the one that promised me after the thing with Jack and the quote you’d never lie to me again?”

“Yes.”

“But it would appear that you’ve broken that promise,” he said honestly. “And a host of others.”

“I don’t like being called a liar,” she snapped.

“I would think you’d like actually BEING a liar even less,” he snapped back.

She stared at him a minute. How could she argue this point with him? He’d clearly caught her lying. “Yes,” she said, softly. “I’ll go upstairs and clean out my desk.” Her shoulders slumped in defeat.

Her simple statement and the edge of hopelessness he’d heard in it, made the anger bleed quickly out of him. “Donna,” he said with a sigh. “I don’t want you to clean out your desk.” He walked over to her and gently laid his hands on her shoulders. “Look at me.” When she didn’t he slowly moved one of his hands and placed his finger under her chin. “I said look at me,” his voice was gentle but there was an edge of command in it. He lifted her face to look at him. The haunting emptiness was back in her gaze again and it nearly broke his heart. “What I want is for you to talk to me.”

“About what?” she said, quietly.

“About what?” he said incredulously. Dropping his hands from her he took a step back and ran his hands over his face in frustration. With a sigh, he sat down on top of the table. “Let’s see, I have quite a list of things I want to talk to you about. Let’s start with why you’ve been lying to me about going to therapy.”

She looked at him for a minute, “I haven’t been completely lying.” She tried to justify. “I do have therapy. I come down here and think. It’s my own personal therapy.”

He managed to keep himself from saying, ‘Yeah, fat lot of good it’s doing you.’ Instead he replied. “Donna, that doesn’t count and you know it. Why haven’t you been seeing Dr. Todd? Did you EVER see Dr. Todd?”

“Of course I did!”

“How many times?” She mumbled something. “You want to try that again? I didn’t hear you?”

“The first time,” she snapped out.

“The first time. You mean once. You went two and a half months ago and haven’t been back.” Rather than answering aloud, she nodded. “Why?”

“I didn’t like it,” she replied.

“Donna, believe me when I tell you that, especially in the beginning, therapy is not fun. It’s not a trip to Disneyland. You’re supposed to be revealing stuff about yourself that you don’t want to reveal. Things that are often painful and difficult.”

The words tumbled out of her before she could stop them. “She was mean, all right? I didn’t like going because she was mean and she didn’t like Harley and she called me a liar and reminded me of my mother and she made me feel defective and pitiful and small.”

Josh wondered if Donna realized what she’d just said about the doctor reminding her of her mother. He knew Donna had issues with her parents and after they way they’d reacted, or more accurately, HADN‘T reacted, after her assault, she wasn’t the only one. “She reminded you of your mother?”

“I never said that,” Donna said, defensively.

“Yes, you did,” he argued.

She looked at him a minute, “Fine, even if I did it doesn’t matter.”

He had a feeling it did matter but for now he let it drop. “Okay, so when you decided you didn’t like Dr. Todd, why didn’t you just go and find another therapist that you liked better? People do it all the time.”

“Because I’m fine and I don’t like people making me feel like a bug under a microscope.”

“No, Donna,” he said, slipping off the table to stand in front of her. “You’re NOT fine. You’re so far from fine you couldn’t see fine if you had a pair of binoculars!”

“You’re wrong!” she shouted back. “I’m just having a hard time. I want to remember and I can’t remember! I know no one believes me but I don’t!”

“I believe you, Donna. I’ve believed you all along and on that point I still believe you,” he said gently. “But you have to admit you’ve been lying to me about therapy and if you honestly believe you’re fine, you’re lying to yourself.” When she said nothing he continued. “Donna, don’t you see, you’re self-destructing right before my eyes.”

“I AM NOT SELF-DESTRUCTING!” she screamed. “Dr. Todd said I would but I’m not. I would know it if I was!”

Josh kept his voice soft and low, “Not necessarily. Believe me when I tell you that sometimes you can’t see what’s happening to you. I know from experience. You don’t always know when your life is coming apart at the seams.” he paused. “Donna, you’re on the same path I was at Christmas three years ago. And you can’t just expect me to just stand by and let it happen to you and not try to do anything to help you. If you recall you didn’t just stand by and let it happen to me.”

His words struck a chord deep inside her. She wanted to say he was wrong, but again he was thwarting her argument with the truth. “Everyone treats me like I'm broken. But I don't want them to see me that way,” she said quietly. 

Gently, he laid his hands on her shoulders, “Then we need to do something to make you un-broken and prove them all wrong.”

“I’d just be relieved to stop having all these stupid nightmares,” she said without thinking.

He flinched when she said it. It ripped at him that she’d been suffering in silence all this time. He’d hoped that she was at least getting better on that front. “Donna, where have you been sleeping for the last two and half months?”

She blinked at him, realizing that he didn’t know about the continuing nightmares or their scope. It was kind of pointless to lie to him now. “On the couch,” she answered softly. “But even that’s stopped working for me. I had one last night even though I was on the couch.”

He sighed heavily, “Okay. Well, I’ll come over after the vote tonight and we’ll see what we can do about that.”

“But...” It amazed her that she was about to tell him not to come over when everything in her was screaming for his presence.

“No buts. It may be a bit late but I’ll be there. If you manage to drift off without me, I’ll let myself in.” She nodded and if he wasn’t mistaken, looked a little relieved. “I have one more question for you.”

“Okay, what is it?”

“Why did you feel that you had to lie to me about everything?”

A tiny part of her wanted to yell at him to stop calling her a liar but again he had the truth on his side so she couldn’t. Besides she was suddenly so tired, she couldn’t work up the energy to yell even if she’d wanted to, which she didn’t. It shamed her to think of all the lies she’d told him in the last few months and here he was still being incredibly understanding. “Because I knew this would happen,” she said waving her hand between them. “I knew we’d have this big fat argument and I wanted to spare you, both of us, the aggravation.”

He looked at her in disbelief, “So, basically, what you’re saying is that you’ve been lying to me to protect me from getting mad about finding out you’ve been lying to me?”

“Well, when you put it like that it doesn’t sound very good. But at the time it made sense.”

He chuckled a little at that. The moment reminded him of the night of the second inauguration and the infamous snowball throwing. He’d told Donna he knew that she’d said the quote had come from her because she knew it would be easy for him to figure out the truth. She’d responded, ‘Not as easy as you made it.’

“Josh, the truth, the REAL truth, is that I just didn’t want you to worry about me. You’ve got so much going on that I’m the last thing you need to worry about.”

It hurt him that she thought that. That he’d apparently done things to make her think that. “No, Donna,” he said, gathering her in a gentle hug. You’re wrong, you’re so wrong. You’re the FIRST thing I need to worry about. If I didn’t have you to keep me in line I’d never be able to do the other stuff. In fact, the other stuff wouldn’t even mean anything to me without you there to share it with. I’m sorry if I don’t tell you often enough.” He paused. “And just so you know, I think you’ve definitely fulfilled the first promise you ever made to me.”

She frowned a bit as he hugged her. “What promise was that?”

“You’ve made yourself valuable to me. Invaluable even.” He smiled when he felt her arms tighten around him.

“Thank you, Josh,” she whispered, a piece of the ice incasing her heart melted a fraction.

“Now,” he said, pulling back and releasing her from the hug. “This is what’s going to happen. You’re going to take the rest of the day off.” She started to protest. “No. This is your boss speaking. You’re going to pick up Harley and you’re going to take the rest of the day off. Go home and get some rest or watch soap operas or Oprah or go shopping or take Harley to the park or get a manicure or whatever you want. The only rule is it can’t be work-related. I don’t want you sitting at home watching C-Span to see the outcome of the vote. I’ll tell Leo that we’re coming in a bit late tomorrow so we can take some time in the morning to work on getting you a new therapist. Stanley said he knew a few that he could recommend right here in DC. But this time there’s going to be a requirement. I’m going to require that your therapist calls me if you don’t show up for your appointment. Okay?”

“That’s fair,” she said. “BUT if I don’t like the therapist I can shop around for a new one, right?”

“Absolutely. You can shop around until you find one you feel comfortable with,” he told her.

“Thanks.” She paused. “So you talked to Stanley about me?” she asked.

“Yeah, I told you about the first time he called me, remember? He called to give me his condolences on your untimely demise. Since he saw part of your funeral on TV, it took him a while to believe me when I told him you weren’t dead. I don’t think I told you about the rest of the story. It’s actually kind of funny. Leo had to convince him I wasn’t having a nutty or something. Apparently he thinks I’m kind of attached to having you around,” Josh said with a smirk. “Then I called him yesterday.” He paused. “Please don’t be mad. I’ve just been worried you.”

“No, I’m not mad,” she said, honestly. “Like I said, I’m just sorry I gave you reason to worry.”

He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “We’ll work on this Donna. I swear. I’ll do everything I can to help you. But I need a new promise from you. No more lying, all right? No matter what, you tell me the truth from now on.”

She nodded and silently hoped she could keep this one, “I promise.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 22 - MATURE

Donna looked sleepily at her fingers and toes. It was almost midnight. After Josh had given her the rest of the day off, she and Harley had walked home from the White House and on the way they’d passed a small, almost empty salon. The owner didn’t mind her bringing Harley in with her, so she’d gotten a manicure and a pedicure. Then she’d stopped at the small grocery store near her apartment for something to make for dinner. It was the first time in weeks that she felt remotely like eating. She also figured that Josh would probably be so busy monitoring the vote tonight that he wouldn’t eat anything decent. She’d decided on homemade beef stew and she’d bought a loaf of French bread to go with it. It would be easy to make and she could cook it and keep it warm in a crock pot so it would be ready whenever Josh wanted it.

So after she got home she put the stew together and put it in the crock-pot to simmer. She’d sampled a few spoonfuls but she’d decided to wait until Josh got there to have an actual bowl. Josh had called her cell phone while she’d taken Harley on one more long walk to let him do his business. They had talked for a few minutes and he’d told her that the vote was going well so far but was still going to be close. He also reminded her that he would be coming over later that night. Then she’d taken a long hot shower, put on her flannel pajamas and spent the evening on the couch watching TV. Since the nightmares had apparently stopped discriminating between the bed and the couch and Josh would be there eventually to hopefully keep them at bay, she decided to sleep in the bed. Planning to stay awake until Josh got there, she laid down and picked up a book and tried to get involved in it. But she didn’t get very far before the day began to catch up with her. The book slid from her hands as her eyes slid closed.

Donna laid on her bed and stared up at the bedroom ceiling. Shifting patterns danced over it as the late afternoon sun filtered in through the tree outside her window. She was going to get in so much trouble. Mama would be so mad. Even without a reason, she got mad enough as it was anyway. And now that Donna had given her a reason it would be ten times worse. She couldn’t believe she’d blurted it out to the school nurse. It had just tumbled out. She’d just wanted to tell someone. To have someone believe her the way Mama hadn’t. It was eating her away inside. There were already parts of her she couldn’t feel anymore. She’d never considered the fact that not only would the nurse not believe her, but she would tell Mama what she’d said. 

She heard the car pull into the driveway, heard the car door slam. Donna laid there and waited for what was about to happen. She could try and hide from Mama but it would only make it worse. Mama would only be madder if she had to look for her. No, she’d already made her peace with what was going to happen and she wasn’t scared. In fact, she didn’t feel much of anything. 

She heard the front door open then she heard it slam shut. Hard. Donna flinched involuntarily. Mama got mad if Donna slammed the door but it seemed to be okay if she did it herself. 

Then she heard Mama scream. “DONNATELLA KATHERINE MOSS!” The blinding fury was naked in her voice. Donna heard Mama pounding up the stairs and part of her soul folded in on itself protectively. Mama rushed into her room and grabbed her by the arm, yanking her into a sitting position. “How could you?!” Mama yelled. “How could you spread those lies?! I told you no one would believe you and you still did it. Why couldn’t you for once do what I tell you?” Mama’s hot, angry breath rushed over her face. “ANSWER ME!”

Donna decided she had nothing to lose at that point and she figured it was the last chance she was ever going to have to say it. “Because it’s the truth,” Donna said clearly and calmly.

Mama’s face got redder and contorted with rage. Before Donna even saw it, Mama’s hand snaked out and slapped her. Hard. Pain flashed up through the side of her face. Tears of pain and surprise flashed into her eyes. Mama had never slapped her before.

“Oh, no you don’t. Stop crying! You’re 13 years old, not a baby. You brought this on yourself. Tears are not going to help you now.” Mama gripped her arm hard and pulled. “Come on, it’s time for your punishment.”

Donna didn’t resist. There was no point anyway. It would just make things harder. Mama dragged her out of her room and down the hall. At the end of the hall, Mama yanked open a door and shoved her into the linen closet. Donna stumbled as she went and fell into a heap on the floor of the closet.

“You stay in there until I let you out and if I hear any noise coming from this closet or see that light come on, I will make you sorry. Now I suggest you take this opportunity to think about how wrong it is to tell lies.” With that, Mama slammed the door and Donna heard her snap the padlock into place. She heard Mama’s footsteps fade as she walked down the hall. Then it was dark and quiet.

The floor under her was uncarpeted, bare tile and the cold was already seeping through her jeans. Blindly feeling around on one of the shelves, she pulled down a couple of towels to try and get more comfortable, which was going to be hard. The closet was too cramped for her to even begin to stretch out. The best that she could do was to curl up in ball on her side. It also had the side benefit that it would help her stay warm anyway. There was no heating vent in the closet and with the door closed it could get a little chilly. Her face and her arm both ached.

Lying there, she thought about what had happened to her. If the summer and the last few months had taught her anything it was that it never paid to tell secrets. No matter how much it hurt to keep them inside, it hurt worse when you told them and no one believed you or when you were punished for telling the truth. 

‘Our special secret,’ he had said. She put her hands over her ears as if it would keep his voice out of her head. Rocking slowly in the dark, she tried to soothe away the hot tears that had gathered in her eyes.

She vowed then, that she would never again talk about or think about what had happened over the summer, not to anyone. Not even herself.

**********

Josh jogged up the stairs to the second floor about 1 a.m. He was unable to keep a little bit of swagger out of his walk. They’d won the vote. He couldn’t wait to tell Donna. Plus he had the added bonus of feeling that he’d finally managed to do something right where Donna was concerned. Maybe now she’d start getting better. 

Since it was so late, he’d let himself in the building rather than buzzing Donna to let him in. Punching the code into the security panel at her front door, he pulled out his key and slid it into the lock. Unlocking the door, he stepped inside. The apartment was quiet and he took that to mean that Donna and Harley had gone to sleep and were in the bedroom. Dropping his bag by the door and toeing off his shoes, he relocked the door and reset the alarm. A warm, homey, delicious smell wafted into his nostrils and reminded his stomach that he hadn’t eaten since the sandwich he’d made Ryan get him from the mess for lunch. Loosening his tie, he walked into the kitchen, lifted the lid on the crock pot and inhaled deeply. His stomach grumbled. He loved beef stew. That was really nice of Donna to make it. Speaking of Donna, he’d check on her and then have a bowl. 

Ambling from the kitchen to the bedroom he stopped in the doorway. Donna was curled into a tight ball in the center of the bed, rocking and, he could hear now, whimpering. Quickly crossing the room, he slid onto the bed and laying his hand on her back, he began to rub it in small circles.

“Donna?” he said softly. “Donna, wake up. You’re having a nightmare. You need to wake up now.” The rocking and her whimpering began to subside.

Donna began to surface from the dark of the nightmare, into the soft light of the bedroom, the warmth of Josh’s touch, and the sound of his voice softly reassuring her. His presence pulled her back, gave her a reason to wake up. Instinctively, she reached out to him and felt his arms gather her close to him. The feeling of him, the scent of him and the heat of him began to penetrate the darkness that seemed to consume her. 

Rather than making her sick like the others, this dream, the details of which were already fading from her mind, left her feeling small, brittle and empty. So very empty. Parts of her had been empty for longer than she could remember. Her face was buried against Josh’s neck and she could feel the pulse in this throat beating steadily under her cheek. God, she needed something to fill the emptiness, to take away the pain for just a little while. Maybe if she had that small refuge she could survive the nightmare her life had become. 

Before she knew it, she'd moved her head slightly until his pulse was beating under her lips. The life there reached out to her, called to her and she pressed her lips against it, trying to draw on its strength. She felt Josh stiffen but she didn’t care. Her lips trailed kisses along his neck and across his jaw. The she kissed his temple and his cheek, until her lips hovered over his.

“Donna...” he whispered in bewildered protest. He had no idea what had suddenly changed. Instead of a reply, her lips slowly descended on his until she was kissing him. At first, his response was almost automatic and he kissed her back. Alarm bells were going off in his head but he couldn’t stop himself from responding. Kissing her was heady and felt more amazing than he’d imagined. Her body was warm and pliant against his, her lips were firm but soft beneath his. His body began to respond of its own accord. 

Feeling him kiss her back made her continue. Part of her was screaming to stop but her body seemed to have taken on a life of its own and she couldn’t keep herself from sliding her tongue into his mouth. Her actions had little to do with sex and even less to do with love, and more with trying to find something, anything to make her feel again. About having a warm body help her remember what it felt like to be loved, to feel anything but emptiness. Plus since the warm body was Josh, she trusted him. Knowing what men always wanted next, she slid her hands down to the front of his pants. Even through the material, she could feel his growing erection.

Her touch, though good on one level, was like a bucket of cold water being thrown over his head. God, what was he doing? Taking her wrist gently, but firmly in his hand he pulled her hand away and jerked his mouth free of hers. "Donna, no. We can't," he said, a little breathlessly. "Not like this."

She knew he was right and that she was putting him in a terrible position, but she couldn't seem to stop. Everything in her seemed to be set on autopilot, "Please, Josh. I need you," she said, her voice quiet. "Just this once. I'm on the pill. No one has to know. I'm so empty inside. I just need to remember what it's like to feel something, even if it's for only a few minutes. It doesn't have to mean anything beyond this moment," she said, softly.

Josh looked into her eyes. They were huge and blue, and so young that for a flash, for an instant in a moment, he saw his daughter's eyes. But where his daughter’s had been bright, happy and laughing, Donna's eyes were so broken and lost it nearly stopped his heart. While he saw raw need there, he saw no desire, no love, no emotion beyond the need. It further steeled his resolve to resist taking what she was offering. "No, Donna," he said, as gently but as firmly as he could. "I know you're in pain but this isn't right for either of us."

"Please, Josh. I'll do anything." She loathed herself for the note of quiet begging that had entered her voice and still she couldn't stop. Leaning into him again, she slid her other hand, the one he wasn't restraining, over to caress his erection again. "I'll make it good for you. I swear."

This time he didn't bother trying to remove her hand, he merely jumped off the bed like she'd burned him. "NO! Donna, stop!" He said, very firmly and definitely so he could hopefully get through to her. “We’re not having sex. We’re never going to have sex. I know it and you know it."

Part of Donna crumbled in on itself. 

Maybe the crumbling was her self-respect. After all, she'd just thrown herself at her best friend and begged him to have sex with her. 

Maybe the crumbling was her self-worth. After all, he'd rejected said proposition. She was too scarred, broken and undesirable to even get her best friend to have sex with her. 

Most likely, the crumbling was her seven-year friendship to Josh that she'd just done her best to destroy.

Sitting up, she swung her legs over the side of the bed and put her hands in her lap, her shoulders slumping defeatedly. "I'm sorry," she whispered, not raising her head. Shame at what she'd done, or tried to do, washed over her.

Josh watched her sitting on the edge of the bed. The set of her shoulders made him want to hold her but he knew that would probably lead them back down the road he'd pulled them away from. But he needed to tell her why he'd said what he said. Why, when everything in him wanted to make love to her, he was stepping back. He leaned against the wall and sighed. Why was nothing ever easy for them?

"Donna, look at me." When she didn't respond he said it with a bit more force, "Donna, LOOK at me." She raised her head slowly until their eyes met. If her eyes were broken before, they were shattered now. He needed to make some connection to her, to make her understand. Walking to the bed, he knelt down before her and took her hands in his, not caring that the hardwood floors would be hell on his knees.

"Donna, we're not going to have sex because when it happens for us, and I believe it will, it will go way beyond sex. I’ve never wanted to have sex with you, Donna. Never. But I have always wanted to make love to you. But you’re not ready for that. WE’RE not ready for that. This not about sex anyway. This is about you trying to find a way to dull the pain." The next part shamed him, more than a little, to admit. "I know that because I did the same thing with Amy last summer. And in the end, it’s no more healthy than if you'd used alcohol to do the same thing." 

The words fell before she could stop them. "If you did it with Amy, then why not me?" she asked.

He held her gaze steadily. The words, 'Because I love you,' were on the tip of his tongue but she wasn't ready for that either. "Because I don't want to use you the way I used Amy. You mean too much to me. And because I know, better than anyone, that you can only dull or stuff the pain down for so long until it rears back and rips your throat out. I sure as hell won’t help you do that." He looked at her intently, hoping his expression would tell her how much he cared and that he wasn't kidding. "And you’re going to promise me, or so help me I will handcuff us together, that you won’t let anyone else help you like that either.” When he got no response from her he squeezed her hands gently. "Promise me, Donna."

She looked at him. Not all the words he'd said had fully penetrated her heart the way he'd hoped. Especially the part about how much he cared. Her heart just wasn't listening. But she knew what he wanted her to promise. No repeats of the Cliff Calley one night stand fiasco. The way she felt right now, it wouldn't be a problem. She doubted she'd ever try and go down that road, with anyone, again. Josh had been the only one she would have trusted enough and that door was now unavailable to her. "I promise."

"Good," he said, giving her hands firm, reassuring squeeze. Managing to stand up he sat next to her on the edge of the bed. He suspected her actions had stemmed from the nightmare he'd walked in on. "Do you want to tell me about your dream?" he asked gently.

She stared at the wall for a moment, trying to remember it. All of it seemed so far away now, so indistinct. "It was about my mother," she said, without looking at him. "I don't remember much else except it was a dark place." Josh remained quiet beside her. "I'm sorry, Josh. I never...I don't know why," she wanted to look at him, wanted to see the expression on his face to gauge his reaction to what she'd just done, but she was scared at what she might find. "If you want to go home, I understand." Without realizing it, she held her breath as she waited for his answer.

"Donna," he said gently. When she didn't turn, he laid his fingers lightly on her jaw and turned her face to him. "I said I was going to stay and that's what I'm going to do. I'll be here for you for as long as it takes." He looked at her squarely. "Okay?"

She stared at him for a long moment and saw acceptance in his eyes. She took a breath and nodded. "Okay." She paused. "Josh? Could you give me a minute? I just want to try and calm down a bit."

He relaxed a bit to see her a bit more in control. "Sure. How about I take Harley for a quick walk and give you a few minutes of peace and quiet?" 

"Thanks," she replied.

"Oh, but I have a condition," he told her.

"What?" she asked with a frown.

He smiled, "That I get to have some of your beef stew when I get back."

She managed small smile of her own. "You've got a deal."

**********

Donna walked into the kitchen. Josh and Harley had just left for their late night walk and she was in search of some Advil. Although her earlier nightmare hadn't produced the usual pounding headache, her head still hurt a little. Opening the cabinet she pulled out a small, thin juice glass and the bottle of Advil. Filling the glass with some water, she popped two tablets in her mouth and swallowed them with the water. She refilled the glass and stood there sipping the water.

She wanted to be happy that she apparently hadn't destroyed her friendship with Josh and that he hadn't run screaming from her apartment, but she couldn't The way she acted had been inexcusable. 

Like some kind of unwelcome horror movie, the night's events began to roll through her head. Shame and pain and anger from some deep well, seemed to bubble up in her and she gasped at the sheer magnitude of it. She’d wanted to feel, right? Well, this would teach her to be careful what she wished for, because she was damn well feeling now. Too much. Like a great wave it all washed over her and pulled her under like a rip current. There was no logic to it, and it quickly spiraled out of control. She began to quickly pace and her mind seemed to go off in forty directions at once. 

A pity fuck. That’s what she’d reduced herself to. She couldn't believe she could do such a thing. Could she be more pathetic if she tried? How he must pity her. Pathetic little Donna who was seven shades of screwed up and wants to get laid but can't. Rage so black she didn't understand it burned through her.

Blindly she slammed her fist down on the countertop. Sharp, tingling needles of pain shot up her right arm. The pain was a blessed release and it brought her up short. As surely as if it had been vacuumed out of her, the rage dissipated, once again leaving behind the usual emptiness in its place. It took her a moment to realize that her hand was hurting more than she thought it should from hitting it against the counter. She looked down and discovered it was still hurting because she’d been holding the small juice glass in her hand when she brought her fist down. Pieces of the glass were now scattered around her hand on the counter.

Opening her fist she stared at her palm. In among the shards of glass in her hand, two drops of blood blossomed. One on her index finger and one on her middle finger, both in the fleshy area between the middle knuckles and her palm. The parallel between Josh’s hand injury and hers were not lost on her. Although it wasn’t the least bit funny, part of her wanted to laugh at that. At least this time she could honestly say she’d cut hers on a glass and she didn’t think they were big enough or deep enough to need stitches. Shaking the glass off her hand and pulling a small remaining piece from her finger, she stared at the two small cuts and the blood that was continuing to slowly seep from them. ‘Ow,’ she thought with surprise. ‘My hand hurts. I can FEEL my hand hurting.’ 

The injury to her hand and the pain it brought had not only driven the rage out of her but she was feeling something, even if it was physical pain, that was manageable and understandable. ‘That’s the problem most days,’ she thought. Most of the time she felt nothing but when she did it was overwhelming and consuming. It was either famine or an occasionally gluttonous feast. This pain, the pain in her hand was something she understood and wasn’t pulled under by. If she couldn’t feel emotional pain, maybe physical pain was the next best alternative. It was something anyway. At least it reminded her she was alive.

As she watched, the blood drops got bigger and began to drip onto the counter. Each drop seemed to tickle something in the back of her brain. Then it happened. The fractured piece of a memory surfaced like a siren in her mind. Maybe memory was even too strong a word. It was more like a skill, long forgotten, and suddenly rediscovered. ‘Yes, yes, of course,’ she thought. How could she have forgotten? That was the answer. It had been right there in front of her all this time. It had helped before. She couldn’t remember WHAT it had helped, but she knew for sure it had. She’d just do it this once, she was sure that was all she would need. No one would know. Even Josh wouldn’t suspect. She wouldn’t have to lie to him because he would never think to ask. She was good at keeping secrets. Even her own. Especially her own.

Turning, her eyes fell on the wooden block sitting on the counter behind her. And all the knives it held. It had been a apartment warming present from CJ. The knives were all very, very sharp. Walking to the other counter she reached out her injured hand and pulled one of the smaller, pointed knives from the block. The blood from the glass cuts on her hand coated the handle but it wouldn’t matter, she would clean-up afterward. ‘It WILL just be this once,’ she told herself again as she looked at the blade. But she had to hurry. Josh would be back soon and she would need to be finished with clean-up before he did. 

With the knife in her hand, she walked to the bathroom. Using her uninjured hand, she opened the door of the small linen cabinet and pulled out two dark towels and the necessary first aid supplies. The she closed the bathroom door and did what needed to be done.

**********

“Come on, mutt. We’re not taking the elevator,” Josh told Harley, who was sitting in front of the elevator doors. “I know Donna may let you get away with giving her the big, sad eyes routine but it’s not going to work with me. It’s only one flight and if I gotta climb the stairs, which I do because she always knows when I don’t, you gotta climb the stairs, too.” He leaned down to Harley, “But I’ll make you a deal. If you don’t give me any trouble about taking the stairs I’ll give you a dog treat when we get upstairs. Okay?” Harley’s response was immediate. He turned and started for the stairs. “I knew you’d see it my way,” Josh said with a satisfied smirk.

They walked up to the apartment. Harley waited patiently, knowing his treat was assured, as Josh uncoded the alarm and unlocked the door. As they both went inside, he saw that Donna was standing in the kitchen by the crock-pot. She’d put a terrycloth robe on over her flannel pajamas.

“Hey, how are you doing?” He asked her with a small smile, as he dug a treat out for Harley.

She looked up from the crock pot which she’d been stirring. “Better, thanks. Oh, I cut my hand though.” Holding up her hand she wiggled her fingers.

He saw the band-aids on both her fingers. “Let me see.” Gently, taking her hand in his he looked at the bandages. “We’ll have to have Mrs. Bartlet take a look at it tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I’ll call her office when we get in and see if she’s got a few minutes,” she told him.

He looked at her for a minute, “How did you do it?’ he asked as casually as he could.

“I was taking some Advil and the water glass slipped out of my hand and broke. When I was cleaning up the mess, a couple of the pieces cut my hand.” Okay, so that wasn’t the absolute truth but it was close enough in her mind that she could live with it.

He looked at her again. “So you cut your hand.....on a glass.” It was such a freaky coincidence to what he’d claimed had happened to his hand that it made him stop and think.

“Yeah, that thought occurred to me too,” she said. “I have the pieces of the glass in the trash if you want to see it. I have to warn you though, it’s a little bloody. I know how you are when you see blood.”

Well, her hand didn’t look cut that bad, she was willing to have Mrs. Bartlet look at it, she was already going to start therapy, and there were obviously no broken windows in the apartment, so he really had no reason to doubt her. “Okay.”

“Oh, you’re just in time,” she said, pulling her hand from his and ladling some of the stew into two bowls. “To try some of my homemade stew.” She handed him a steaming bowl and a spoon. “There’s bread if you want it too,” she told him, referring to the French bread she’d cut up and put in a basket on the counter.

Silent relief flooded through him. She really did seem better. “Hmmm, smells good.”

They both settled themselves on the couch and watched CNN as they ate. “Oh, I completely forgot to tell you. The bill passed,” he said it with a proud grin.

She bumped her shoulder against his, “Oh, that’s so great, Josh! I knew you could do it. Congratulations.”

“Thanks,” he said. Her praise never failed to boost his ego. “You know, I didn’t do it alone. I had a LITTLE help. In fact, as I recall you did your share.”

“Thanks,” she said, as she finished up her stew.

He put his bowl on the coffee table. “Dinner was great, Donna. I love beef stew.”

“I know,” she answered simply as she picked up their bowls and took them into the kitchen. 

He followed her and leaned up against the wall. “I thought I’d go change so we could be some sleep.” He paused. There was no way he wasn’t going to screw this up but he had to give it a try. “Where would you like me to be tonight?” Well, that wasn’t too bad. He just wanted to give her a choice.

Keeping her injured hand out of the water, Donna rinsed their bowls out. She wiped her hand on a dish towel. “Josh. Don’t worry. I’m not going to throw myself at you again,” she sighed. “In fact, I’d appreciate it if we never mentioned it again.”

“Donna....”

“Please, Josh,” she said.

Well, eventually when things settled between them, they’d probably be talking about it, but for now he’d let it go. “Okay.”

She watched him for a minute, “Since your back is going to bother you if you sleep on the couch and I apparently have lost the inability to sleep without having you nearby, I’m thinking it would be best if we went back to sharing the bed. Platonically, of course.”

“Works for me,” he said. ‘For now anyway,’ he thought. Until she was stronger and the time was right to see if she could return any of the feelings he had for her. “I’m going to go change.” She nodded and watched him disappear into the bedroom.

Later, as they laid there in bed, her under the covers, him above them but with a light blanket thrown over him, Donna shifted slightly and winced silently at the pain that flashed momentarily through her leg. Her hand reached down and rubbed it gently. It would heal and then things would be all right.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 23 - MATURE 

“Here’s Stanley phone number,” Josh said, handing her the piece of paper. “He’s expecting you to call him in the next few minutes.” 

Josh told her that he had called Stanley again after he'd sent her home early yesterday and had told him a little about her situation. Stanley said he would be happy to help Donna find a new therapist, but in order to find her the best one, he wanted to talk to her just a bit first. 

Donna took the paper from his hand, “But it’s only 9 a.m. here, that means it’s 6 in California. Isn’t it too early? Are you sure you didn’t get your time zones mixed up?” She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t looking for an excuse to put off making the call.

“Okay, first of all I can remember times zones as well as anyone,” he said with a smirk. “And second, he’s in Chicago for a conference so it’s already 8 there.”

“Oh, okay.” ‘So much for procrastinating,’ she thought.

What she was thinking was clearly written on her face. “Donna,” he said, laying his hand on her shoulder and giving it a supporting squeeze. “It’ll be okay. It’s just Stanley and he only wants to talk to you.”

“I know...I’m just nervous I guess.”

“I’d be surprised if you weren’t. It’s a big step but I know you can do it.” He picked up his keys and took Harley’s leash. “Now, the mutt and I are going to go and give you some privacy. While we’re out, we’ll dig up something for breakfast.” He grinned. “Get it? ‘Dig up’ something?”

Donna rolled her eyes. “Yeah, Josh, very funny, ha, ha.”

Deciding that he was leaving her in the right frame of mind we walked to the door with Harley in tow. “Okay. Well, we’re going to go.” At the door, he stopped and turned back to her. “Call him,” he said simply. Then he and Harley walked out. A second later, she heard him lock the dead bolt and reset the alarm.

Donna looked down at her cell phone and the paper in her hand. ‘Well, this is it,” she thought. She let out a breath. “I can do this,” she said, softly. Quickly typing in the number before she could chicken out, she pressed send. The line began to ring.

After two rings someone answered. “Stanley Keyworth.” 

"Hey, Stanley, it's Donna Moss."

"Hi, Donna. How are things this morning?" Stanley replied, in his usual easygoing manner.

"Okay. Good. They're good," she said, trying to sound upbeat.

“You sure?” He said, carefully but without accusation. “’Cause I make it a policy to always let people revise their answers if they want to."

Donna sighed. “Well, Stanley, things have been better, but for the moment, they really are okay.”

“Fair enough,” he said. “Is Josh there with you?”

“He was. He and Harley went out to get some breakfast,” she replied. 

“Harley? I don’t think Josh mentioned Harley. Who’s Harley?”

Donna smiled slightly, “Harley is the chocolate lab that I adopted a couple of months ago. Right after the......well, you know,” she said, her small smile fading.

If he was actually acting as her therapist, Stanley would have commented or made a note to comment about the “you know,” but under the circumstances he let it go. “Dogs are good. I like dogs. I am kind of curious how Josh feels about Harley. I know how he has a thing about cats.” 

Donna slight smile returned, “They’re thick as thieves. Oh, Josh acts like it’s a huge burden to have him around, but he’s always taking him for walks, he lets me bring him inside at work all the time, and feeds him food off his own plate when he thinks I’m not looking. And you should hear them argue over the couch.”

“Argue?” Stanley asked, puzzled.

“Yeah. Well, when I say ‘argue’ I mean Josh argues and Harley growls and barks. It sounds pretty much like the same thing. There’s usually some wrestling involved too.”

Stanley chuckled, “You know, I can honestly say that I would pay money to see that.” It was obvious that Harley and Josh were both very dear to her. He was glad she had both man and beast to depend on.

“There are a lot of Republicans who would too,” Donna said, only half joking.

“I bet,” Stanley said, then he quieted. “Well, I guess we better get started.”

“Okay,” Donna replied, softly.

“Before we dive in, I just want you to know that what you tell me will be completely confidential. The only one I will share the information with is the therapist you choose, unless you don’t want me to, in which case everything will stay between us.” He wanted to give her a choice and a sense of control.

“No, it’s all right.”

"Okay. Now Josh said your other therapist was a Doctor......" he shuffled through a few notes. "A Dr. Todd?"

"Um, yes. She was the therapist the rape crisis center at GW referred me to," Donna explained.

"And you only went to see her once?"

"Yes," she replied.

"Can you tell me why you stopped seeing her?"

"I didn't like her," Donna said simply.

Stanley paused a minute to see if she'd say anything more but she didn't. "Do you think you could sort of elaborate on that?" he prompted.

Donna swallowed, "She didn't like Harley. See, I like to take him with me as much as possible. He's a big dog and he needs the exercise. He's really well behaved and I'm not just saying that. You can even ask Josh." She paused then the rest began tumbling out. "But she kept calling him 'my animal' and looking at him like he was contaminating her office. Then she told me not to bring him to my sessions because he might be a distraction, even though when she told me that, he was sound asleep on the floor. Then she said to be careful about being too attached to him because it could get in the way of my recovery and possibly be at the expense of my relationship with others. I mean she made me feel like it was a bad thing to like my own dog."

Although he liked to think that all therapists had a valid point of view and could approach a patient from different perspectives, all of which were valid, Dr. Todd dropped a couple of notches in his estimation. Dogs, and pets in general, were often enormously helpful in treating victims of emotional and psychological trauma. They were non-judgmental and gave unconditional love. Both of which were extremely beneficial to the healing process. And, given the fact that Donna had brought Harley with her, it should have been obvious to Dr. Todd that Donna would have been sensitive to any comments about him.

"Well, I can see why you wouldn't appreciate her comments," Stanley said. "So is it safe to assume you'd like to keep bringing Harley with you to your sessions?"

"Yes," she answered. "Unless, well, I mean.....she wasn't right, was she, Stanley?"

"No, Donna. Although I don't usually like to say anything against another therapist's methods, I don't think it's a bad thing to take him with you or to be attached to him. I only asked if you wanted to keep bringing him because I want to be sure that a therapist I recommend doesn't have allergies or the same point of view about dogs." 

Donna felt a little relieved and she let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "Oh, okay."

"So what else didn't you like about her?"

"She seemed like she had me all figured out before I even stepped into her office. And...and...she called me a liar," she said.

"Were you lying to her?" 

"Well, a little, BUT I wasn't lying about what she said I was lying about."

Stanley had to smile slightly at her statement, it sounded just like something Josh might say. He wondered for a moment if she'd learned it from him or he'd learned it from her.

Donna went on, "Plus I only lied to her after I figured I wasn't coming back to see her so it didn't matter what I told her."

That was a valid point. "What did she say you were lying about?"

"Remembering the attack," she told him. "She said I was repressing the memories and that I was lying to her and to myself because the memories were too painful."

Strike two for Dr. Todd. That was really big leap for a therapist to make during a first appointment. "Did she know about your head injury?"

Donna got up and started to pace. "I told her but she said that while it was true that head injuries could cause permanent amnesia, she was sure that wasn't the case with me."

'Well,' he thought. 'Dr. Todd must have gotten quite a workout with all the conclusions she's been jumping to.' "Donna, you said you were lying to her but not about the things she said you were lying about." He couldn't quite believe he'd gotten that whole sentence out, apparently Josh and Donna's unusual speech pattern was contagious. "So what were you lying about?"

"They were more lies of omission because I knew that I wouldn't be going back to her. I just left a bunch of things out," she told him.

"Such as?"

"Well, she asked me if I'd had any trouble sleeping and I said not really," she told him.

"But you have been having trouble sleeping?" he finished for her.

Donna didn't answer right away. "Yes," she said, sitting back down on the couch.

"What kind of trouble?"

"It's been a cross between insomnia and nightmares," she told him softly. "Mostly nightmares."

"Okay. Is there anything else you want to tell me about her or your session?"

"She made me feel like a bug under a microscope."

"In all fairness Donna, therapy can make you feel that way, no matter who your therapist is," Stanley pointed out.

"You haven't," she said honestly.

"Well, I'm glad. But technically I'm not your therapist and I think under the circumstances you'd do better with a female therapist anyway."

"I suppose," Donna replied. Her voice was quiet and tired when she spoke next. "She reminded me of my mother. She made me feel small and stupid."

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that Dr. Todd was not the therapist for you." 

If Stanley had been her therapist he would have jumped all over the comment about her mother, but he merely made a note of it. He was definitely going to have to have someone who was top notch work with Donna. He was already getting the impression that there were much deeper issues at work here than just the attack.

"Okay, Donna. I think I know just the person you should see. She's even based in Bethesda, near the Naval Hospital. Her name is Barbara Abbott. I think you'll like her. She's actually an M.D. who went back to school and got her Ph.D. in psychology. As I recall, she loves dogs, she's smart and very nice. Just don't call her 'Barbie,' she hates that."

Donna almost smiled at that, "I think I can manage that. What does she like to be called? Dr. Abbott?"

"Oh, no. I think she hates that almost as much as 'Barbie' unless she's in a formal or academic setting. You can ask her when you see her to be sure but I think she likes just plain old 'Barbara.'"

'Well, if nothing else, Barbara sounds nice,' Donna thought. She trusted Stanley's judgment. "Okay. Do you have her office number?"

"Yeah, here it is," he said, reading off the number. "But she's going to out of the office until Monday. She's actually here in Chicago attending the same conference I am. I'll pass on your information to her and tell her to expect your call on Monday. I think her office hours are 8 to 5 but the number I gave you is her cell number and you should be able to reach her there any time."

"All right," Donna said. "I'll call her on Monday."

"If you have any problems or for some reason, things don't work out with Barbara, let me know and we can find you someone else. But I think you'll like her."

"Thanks, Stanley. I really appreciate your help."

"No problem, Donna. You take care now and see that Josh stays out of trouble."

"I will." She hung up the phone just as Josh and Harley were coming in the door.

"Hey," he said, releasing Harley from his leash. Harley ran over and nudged her hand to be petted, which she obliged him. "How did it go?"

"Good," she said, stroking Harley's head. "We talked a little and he gave the name of a therapist in Bethesda. Her name is Dr. Barbara Abbott. I'm supposed to call her Monday." 

He frowned a bit, "Why not today?"

"Because she's at the same conference that Stanley is and won't be back in her office until Monday." Patting Harley on the behind, Donna watched as he trotted off for a drink of water. After talking to Stanley, she was glad to know that at least her affection for Harley wasn't going to be her undoing.

"Oh," he replied. Then he smiled, holding his present for her behind his back. "So for being brave and calling Stanley, I brought you something special for breakfast. You want to guess what it is?"

Donna took a deep breath, the smell that tickled her nostrils was unmistakable. "Is it something from Bistro Francais?"

Surprise rippled across his face. "How'd you know?"

"Because you know that beignets from Bistro Francais is my favorite breakfast in the world and because I could smell them almost as soon as you came in the door," she replied.

He held out the white bakery bag. "Ah, I made it too easy for you. Come on, let’s eat. Then we have to get to work." He smiled at her. "I'll get the coffee if you get the towels."

"Deal," she said with a smile twitching at her lips. Maybe things were going to be okay after all.

**********

“I rescheduled your meeting with Congressman Goyle. It’s now at 1. You should have plenty of time to get there after this meeting,” Donna said to Josh Friday morning as they walked through the bullpen on their way to the Oval Office. Josh had a meeting with the President and Leo and Donna was taking a file to Debbie.

“Okay, could you also call and confirm my breakfast meeting with Senator McCutchen on Monday?”

“Yes,” she said, jotting down a note about it on her pad.

“Oh, and it’s going to be a late night tonight, why don’t you plan on ordering up some dinner for us. How about Chinese?” To try and help her gain back some of the weight she'd lost, he was trying to eat with her as much as possible.

"Sounds good; I'll take care of it."

"Be sure you order enough for CJ and Toby too. Just get a variety like we always do," he told her as they walked from the bullpen through the northwest lobby. "Oh, and once things quiet down, you can bring Harley inside if you want."

“Great, thanks," she said, smiling a little when she thought back to her remarks to Stanley about Josh’s 'non-affection' for Harley. They walked into the Oval’s outer office. Debbie was at her desk on the phone. Josh gave Donna a small smile and then walked into the Oval through the open door near Debbie's desk. Donna stood for a moment, waiting for Debbie to finish her call with what sounded like the office of a visiting head of state.

Debbie put her hand over the receiver, “Oh, Sydney, take that file right in. The President wanted it as soon as possible,” Debbie said, going back to her call.

Donna nodded at Debbie and she walked into the Oval Office. Leo, the President and Josh were just walking in from the portico outside.

"I thought they wouldn't let you smoke in the office, sir," Leo said, just a hint of teasing in his voice.

Jed took a drag on the cigarette he was holding and waved the last of it in Leo's direction, "What are you? Smokey the Bear? I'm the leader of the free world and I can take the last two drags on my cigarette inside my office if I want to." He paused, then grumbled good-naturedly, "Besides, I promised them I wouldn't burn holes in anything." He aimed a look at Josh, "And I don't want to hear anything out of you."

Josh smirked just enough to not get himself in trouble, "Wouldn't dream of it, sir."

Leo noticed Donna first, “Hey, Sydney,” he said.

The President was next. “Why, Sydney, it's good to see you, you’re looking well. Play any gin lately?" he said with smirk.

"I've given up gin, Sir. I was told that if I didn't someone would have me investigated for racketeering."

He glanced at Josh and Leo with a smirk. "Now who do you suppose would do such a thing?" Looking back at Donna, he grinned. "Is that the file I’ve been waiting for?”

“Yes, Mr. President. Debbie said I should bring it right in,” Donna replied, holding it out to him.

The President took a long, last drag on his cigarette and then crushed it out in the ashtray on the table next to him. “Yes, thank you,” he said, taking the file from her. The three most powerful men in America opened the file and began speaking to each other.

Donna nodded and turned to leave. The lingering smell of the President’s cigarette suddenly filled her nostrils. Her feet carried her three more steps but no farther. She turned back to stare at the ashtray and the crushed out cigarette . She couldn’t look away from it. Something primal, deep down in her brain, not hardly even enough to be a memory, began to stir. She stood, transfixed. Pain, searing pain, swept through her hip. She didn’t even realize it when her hand moved automatically to press the spot through the fabric of her skirt. In her mind, a new layer was added to the smell of the President’s cigarette. The smell of burning flesh. Oh, God.

“Josh, tell me, what you plan to do about Senator.....Sydney? What there something else?” the President asked. Josh and Leo had their backs to Donna so they didn’t know that she was still in the room. Only the President had been facing in her direction. At the President’s words, Leo and Josh turned toward her. 

As soon as Josh saw her, he knew something was horribly wrong. Her face had no color and held an expression of muted horror. “Donna?” he asked quietly, not wanting to startle her. 

All at once Donna’s body simply shut down, her eyes rolling back into her head. “Donna!” Josh said, not caring if someone heard him call her by her real name. With Josh in the lead, all three men jumped toward her but weren’t quite quick enough to catch her before she collapsed to the carpet. “Donna!” Josh said, kneeling beside her. Her wig had pulled free and was sitting slightly askew on her head.

“Debbie!” the President yelled. “Get Abbey over here right now!” Debbie who’d seen most of what had happened as the door near her desk had been open, didn’t need to be told twice. She picked up the receiver and started dialing.

“Josh, let's get her on the couch,” Leo suggested. Josh nodded and together they lifted her up and laid her on the couch, as the President closed the door.

“Has she been ill, Josh?” the President was asking.

Josh couldn’t hear much over the roaring sound in his ears as he settled on the edge of the couch and watched her. She was pale and still and hadn’t moved since they’d laid her down. Her wig had fallen off when they’d picked her up and with the all of the other parts of her disguise still in place, it only added to the surrealness of the moment.

“Josh?” the President asked, touching him on the shoulder. It seemed to jolt him awake, “Son, as she been ill?”

“No,” he replied. “Not that I know of. She's been having some trouble sleeping but nothing else that I know of.”

“Mr. President,” Debbie said, stepping inside. “Mrs. Bartlet is coming right over. She was in her office and should be here in a minute. Is there anything else I can do?”

“Just keep out everyone but my wife. I’ll let you know if we need anything else. Thank you.” 

Debbie nodded and went back out to her desk, being sure to close the door behind her.

Josh took her hand. It felt cool in his and he laid his other hand on her shoulder. “Donna?” he said helplessly as he gently tried to shake her shoulder to wake her. It didn’t work and she remained still.

Just then, Abbey came in, carrying the spare medical bag she kept in her office. “What happened?” she asked, rushing to Donna’s side. Josh reluctantly let go of Donna’s hand and got up to give Abbey better access.

“I don’t know,” Josh told her. “One minute she was fine and talking normally, she handed the President a file, turned to leave but she stopped and had the most horrified look on her face. Then she just collapsed.”

Abbey took Donna’s vital signs. “Well, her pulse and blood pressure are a little high but if she was frightened then that would make sense.” Looking at Donna a bit more closely, she frowned and turned to Josh. “Josh, she’s lost weight. A lot of weight. Do you know why?”

“No, except that she hasn’t been eating very much,” he replied. “I’ve been trying to work on that the last few days.”

“Has she complained about feeling badly yesterday or this morning?”

“No. She had a nightmare last night but that was it,” he told her. That got a raised eyebrow from Leo, a questioning look from The President and a carefully neutral and professional look from Abbey. “I, um, stayed with her last two nights. But nothing happened,” he explained. “She’s been having a little trouble adjusting since the attack. I had her talk to Stanley a bit and he’s in process of setting her up with a therapist.”

"Well, I think she just fainted." Abbey nodded and reached into her bag. She pulled out a small capsule and waved it under Donna's nose.

Donna began to stir, her hand automatically coming up to her face to try and block out the terrible odor of the smelling salts. Her eyes slowly opened. "What?" she said. Disoriented, she tried to sit up.

"No, no. Lie back a minute," Abbey told her. "Do you know where you are?"

The nausea hit Donna then, "I'm going to be sick."

Abbey helped her sit up as Josh snatched up a small trash can and held it under her head. Abbey held Donna's hair back as she was violently ill. The President walked over to his credenza and poured her a glass of water. When she was done vomiting up the muffin and coffee she'd had for breakfast that morning, he set the glass and a box of tissues on the glass coffee table in front of her. Abbey helped her wipe her face and take a couple of sips of water. "Now lie back," Abbey told her.

Donna was too tired and miserable at the moment to be mortified at what had just happened, so she laid back on the couch as Abbey changed the band-aids on the cuts on Donna's hand to make sure they weren't infected, which they weren't, and rechecked her vital signs. The three men stood by helplessly.

"Do you remember what happened, Donna?" Abbey asked as she took her pulse.

Donna was still breathing a bit hard from the exertion of being sick. "I...." she started, then stopped as she tried to piece things together. "I was talking to the President about playing gin and I handed him the file he was waiting for and I started to leave and then...." she trailed off. The smoke. Her hip began to sting again and she gripped Abbey's arm tightly.

"And then...." Abbey said calmly, trying to keep Donna from panicking anymore.

"I smelled smoke. I remember looking at the cigarette the President had just put out in the ashtray." She pointed at the ashtray at the far end of the couch. "Then my hip started hurting and the next thing I remember I.....I woke up on the couch and got sick."

Abbey glared at Jed and he looked extraordinarily guilty. Then she looked back at Donna. "Well, I think you just fainted. The smoke probably reminded you of the burn on your hip. Josh said you haven't been eating very much, have you had a lot of nausea and vomiting?"

Donna looked at Abbey and then to Josh, who stood there frowning. She hadn't told him about the vomiting after the nightmares or after she found out about each of the victims. "Not a lot, but some," she said. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Josh run his hand over his face.

Abbey sensed that Donna was feeling a bit overwhelmed. "Okay. I think you're going to be fine. Like I said, I think you just fainted. But I want you to take the rest of the day off and get some rest and eat something." When Donna started to protest, Abbey held up her hand. "Doctor's orders." She turned to Josh. "Josh, did you drive in today?"

He looked from Donna to Abbey. "Um, yes." He couldn't believe he hadn't known about the vomiting.

"Why don't you go get Harley and bring the car around and take Donna home."

"I can walk," Donna said. "It might do me good."

"No, I'll get the car. I don't want you trying to walk home." Josh said gently, trying not to let his frustration and worry bubble over. He walked up next to the couch and laid his hand on her shoulder to let her know he wasn't mad. "I'll only be a few minutes."

"Josh, call Debbie when you've got the car up and I'll have the agents clear you a path," the President said. 

"Yes, sir." Without another word he walked out the portico door and headed toward the parking lot.

"Gentlemen, could you wait in Leo's office for a just a bit? I'd like to talk to Donna alone for a minute."

"Um, sure," Jed replied. He and Leo escaped, closing the door behind them.

Abbey turned back to Donna, "Well, how are you feeling? Any better?"

"Yes," Donna replied, sitting up slowly. "I'm sorry to cause so much trouble."

"Oh, now...you're no trouble at all." Donna looked at her skeptically. "Okay, so you're a little trouble but you didn't do it on purpose and we don't mind." She paused. "Donna, with all the vomiting, have you considered the fact that you could be pregnant?"

That thought had never entered her mind. "I don't see how I could be. I was on the pill when the attack happened. And I haven't been vomiting on a regular basis. Usually just when I have a nightmare. I think it's more stress induced than anything else."

"Well, even the pill is not 100% effective. Did your doctor take any blood or do a pregnancy test at your follow-up appointment?" At Donna's vaguely guilty look, Abbey sighed. "You didn't arrange for a follow-up appointment with your own physician like you were supposed to, did you?"

"No," Donna replied. 

"Why not?" Abbey asked gently, sensing the other woman slight distress.

"I just...I couldn't. I just want to forget it happened and.....I have a male OB/GYN. The idea was just too weird for me."

"Yeah, I can see that," Abbey told her. "You know, I have all the respect in the world for other doctors, but I've always thought that a male gynecologist is a little like a mechanic who's never owned or driven a car. They may know all the parts under the hood but they just don't have quite the same appreciation for how the thing drives." Donna smiled a little at that. Abbey didn't want to push Donna into something she wasn't emotionally ready for. "I’ll tell you what, why don't we let the exam go for right now. I know that for your HIV and Hepatitis you'll need to have your blood tested again somewhere around the 6 month mark after the attack. Why don't we do it then? I have a woman OB/GYN and she's great. I'll see if her office can make you an appointment for then."

"Would you come with me?" Donna asked her. At least she'd have about three months to get used to the idea of going to the appointment.

"Sure. Of course, I will," Abbey replied with a smile. "As for the pregnancy thing, from what you've told me, I doubt you're pregnant but why don't you stop by the store and pick up a home pregnancy test and take it over the weekend. That should be sufficient. Why don't you come to my office on Monday and let me know what the results are? Or if you want you can call me this weekend and tell me. Whichever you'd like."

"Okay. I can do that."

There was a knock on the door and Debbie stepped in, closing the door behind her. "Ma'am, Josh is waiting at the door with Harley and the car and the agents have the hallway cleared." She walked over to where Donna's wig was still laying on the floor. Picking it up, she brought it back over to her. "I think you dropped something, Sydney," Debbie said, with a kind smile.

"Thanks, Debbie," Donna took the wig and put it back on. Without the adhesive she normally used to secure it, it wouldn't stay on that long but it would get her home.

"You ready to go?" Abbey asked her.

"Yeah," Donna said, moving to get up. 

Abbey helped her up and waited a minute to make sure Donna was steady. "Okay, let's go. Um, Debbie, could you please tell the President I'll be right back and I need to speak with him for about 5 minutes?"

Debbie opened the door for them, "Of course, Mrs. Bartlet."

"You're not going to be too hard on him about the cigarette are you?" Donna asked her as they slowly walked into the outer office. "There was no way he could have known."

"Oh, no, it's not about that at all. It's about something else," she lied. When she got back she planned on having a little talk with her jackass of a husband about smoking in general and smoking in front of Donna specifically. 

Smell was the sense most closely tied to memory and apparently at least part of Donna remembered being burned by the cigarette.

**********

"How are you feeling?" Josh asked her as he drove her home.

"Better. A little tired, but okay." She paused. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you about getting sick. I just didn't want you to worry."

Josh sighed softly. "Donna, I think we've established that I worry about you anyway. That's what friends do. I'm pretty sure it's in the 'Friendship Credo.' Besides, you can't tell me that you don't worry about me. From the way you always fuss about what I eat and if I'm getting enough exercise or enough sleep or I go to my doctor’s appointments or if I'm working too hard." He paused. "Or, you know, if I'm putting my hand through windows, it's pretty obvious that you do. Hell, you even worry about me worrying."

"The Friendship Credo?" she said with a raised eyebrow.

"What? It's a thing," he said. "Like the Hippocratic Oath or the Pledge of Allegiance."

They neared a red light. "Well, since we're both so big on worrying, this won't matter....." she paused, waiting until he'd stopped at the red light to finish. "Mrs. Bartlet wants me to take a pregnancy test this weekend."

"What?" he said with a frown.

She looked at him. "You wanted me to be honest. She wants to make sure that my nausea isn't from being pregnant, although even she agreed that it was unlikely."

"Then why does she think you've been getting sick?" he asked quietly, still trying process the idea, however remote, that she could be pregnant as a result of the attack.

"I think, and she agrees, it's mostly stress related," she said as the light turned green and the car started moving again. "Like I said in the Oval I’ve been getting sick after having nightmares."

"But you didn't get sick the other night after you had a nightmare the time I was there," he said.

Still feeling guilty about the way she acted that night, she was quiet a minute and stared down at her hands which were resting in her lap. "No," she said quietly. "That dream was a little different than the others and I guess it went to the other end of the emotional spectrum. Of course it could have had something to do with you being there. I always feel better when you're there."

They'd arrived at her building and Josh pulled the car over to the curb. He reached out and laid his hand over hers, "I'm glad." He paused. "I thought the same thing when you were there for the nightmares I had after Rosslyn," he added gently. "Come on, let's get you inside."

She got out of the car and made it inside under her own steam but Josh was there in case she stumbled.

"Josh? What are you doing?" she asked him as he started to take off his coat.

He stopped, "Taking my coat off?"

"No. You need to go back to work. You've got a lot to finish. Mrs. Bartlet gave me the day off, not you." 

"But..." he tried.

"Come on, Josh, I mean it. You need to get back to finish your meeting with Leo and the President," she told him. 

"They can get along without me this once."

She folded her arms in determination. "And then you have your meeting with Congressman Goyle about the highway bill at 1, remember?"

Josh shrugged. "He's a Republican; he can wait."

"No, Josh, he can't. It took a me two weeks to get you an appointment with him, plus you know you need him if you're going to manhandle the other Republicans into passing the bill."

"But..."

"Besides, if you're here then I'm going to be worrying about how much trouble you're getting into by being here."

He looked at her, "And if I'm not here, I'll be worry about NOT being here."

Donna sighed and walked over to him. "Please, Josh," she said, laying her hand on his arm. "I...I just need some time to myself. Harley's here. Maybe I'll take him for a walk later. Clear my head. I could pick up a pregnancy test at the drug store around the corner."

Josh watched her for a moment. He remembered how well a little time to herself had worked the other night after her nightmare. Maybe that was what she needed. Of course, what he didn't stop to consider was the fact that she'd basically had a lot of time alone for the last two and a half months and it hadn't apparently done her a lot of good. "I won't be over until late. Leo has Toby and me working on that thing, remember?"

"I know," she replied. "I'll get something to eat when Harley and I go out for our walk."

"You promise me you'll eat something?"

"I promise."

"I'm going to call you and check," he told her.

"Okay, okay," she replied. "Since you're going to be late, I'll wait up for you."

The thought that she would made him feel inordinately happy, "Ahkay," he said with a grin as he put his coat back on and walked to the door. "Now you're sure you don't need anything?"

"I'm sure. Now go or you won't get done with the President and Leo in time to meet with Congressman Goyle."

"I'm going, I'm going," he said, putting up his hands in mock surrender. Pulling the door open he turned and looked at her. "If you need anything, ANYTHING, give me a call. Okay?"

"I will."

He looked at her a moment. Then, before he could think about it, he leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll be back."

"Do good, Josh," she told him with a small smile.

With a grin, he turned and took off down the hall. After closing and locking the door and setting the alarm, Donna walked into the bedroom to change. Pulling open the closet door, she switched on the light and looked at the two sides of her closets. One side for Sydney's things and one for hers. Well, being Sydney hadn't helped her too much today, had it?

She reached down and pulled off one of her shoes. God, she felt SO stupid. She had a full blown nutty, in the fucking OVAL OFFICE! Once again, the anger rose like a wave of lava to engulf her. "How could I do that?!" she admonished herself out loud. She wasn't screaming. She didn't need to. The venom of her words did all the damage.

"Right there in front of Josh AND Leo AND the President!" She hurled the shoe into the depths of the closet and jerked off the other one. "I was only there for 5 minutes and I couldn’t even hold it together for that long! For 5 goddamn MINUTES!" She jerked her wig off and threw it to the floor. "And then, just to really make myself look pathetic, I threw up in office of the President of the United States! Josh must have been SO embarrassed!" 

The black rage at herself and her actions taunted her. She started ripping her clothes off, including the body suit and the glasses and the partial denture plate and throwing them to the floor, until she stood, her breath heaving in great, choking, tearless sobs wearing only her bra and panties. They were the only things she'd been wearing that day that were actually HERS and not Sydney's.

It was then that she caught her reflection in the mirror above her dresser and her eyes were somehow drawn her to her flat stomach. A flat stomach, she failed to notice, that from vomiting and lack of food, was a little too flat, her pelvic bones and ribs a bit too prominent. And now, although she couldn't imagine it, there was a question as to whether or not she could be pregnant. She could have that monster's child inside her. The final indignity, in a life grown ripe with them. 

Running to the bathroom, she was sick again. But this time, with her stomach already empty, her body merely did its best to expel the anger with dry heaving. And even then the pain and anger didn't stop. Standing up shakily, her hand fisted over her stomach and she bent at the waist. Emotional pain from every angle and every hidden place in her soul raged through her like a fire burning out of control, consuming everything in its path. Oh, God it hurt. So much pain with no where to go. She had to do something or it would kill her.

The motion was almost automatic as she turned and walked quickly to the kitchen, not noticing that Harley was on her heels. She'd told herself that it would only be that once but that was before today. Before the mother of all bad days. Snatching a knife out of the butcher block she turned and stalked back the bathroom. She closed the door in Harley's face.

Harley stood there for a moment, sensing something was wrong with his human but not knowing what. He wished her human was still here. He would know what to do. So Harley did the only thing he knew how and he scratched at the door with his paw and whined. If he could just get her attention, maybe she'd take him out for that walk like she'd told her human she would or play ball with him. He’d do tricks for her. Maybe that would make her happy again. 

But his scratching went unanswered. 

TBC

**********  
Chapter 24 - MATURE

The next morning, Josh stood in the kitchen making scrambled eggs while a pot of coffee brewed. He heard the water turn off as Donna finished her shower. Harley was sound asleep on the couch. It was Saturday and he'd told Leo that he wasn't working this weekend so he could spend some time with Donna. Plus he, Donna, CJ and Toby were all having dinner with Sam tonight so Josh definitely didn't want to be stuck at work. Besides, he'd had to work late as it was last night. He didn't get to Donna's until almost midnight, where he’d found her on the couch watching David Letterman. But he'd called to check on her a couple of times throughout the afternoon and evening and she'd seemed okay. 

She’d ended up getting cheese pizza for dinner, the remnants of which he'd seen in the fridge this morning while he was pulling out the eggs for breakfast. She’d also gone to the drug store and gotten no less than four pregnancy tests, telling him she wanted to be absolutely sure of the results. The plan was for her to take them tomorrow morning. Donna said she wanted to take them tomorrow because she didn’t want any bad news to wreck their dinner with the guys tonight. Josh planned to be there with her all weekend, including when she got the results. Whatever happened, they’d face it together.

Donna emerged from the bathroom a few moments later, wearing jeans so loose fitting they looked like they were about to slide off of her, a baggy sweater, slippers on her feet and a towel wound around her hair. “Hey,” she said, walking across the room. 

“Hey. How you feeling today?” he asked.

“Pretty good. Getting a decent night’s sleep helps.”

“Yeah, so I’ve heard. I wouldn’t know. I haven’t had one since I worked for Hoynes,” he said, glancing at her. She did look pretty rested. He’d been happy to see that she’d slept all the way through last night without incident.

She stopped next to him and glanced down at the frying pan suspiciously. “You’re cooking. Since when do you cook?”

“I can cook,” he said, with a smile. “Besides, it’s just scrambled eggs. All you have to do is keep things moving.” He watched her as she dropped a few slices of bread into the toaster.

“Okay.” She turned and started rummaging through the fridge for butter and jam for the toast. “What time did Sam say the car was picking us up?”

He watched as she bent over a bit to look in the fridge. It worried him that she seemed to be getting thinner by the day. He turned back to the eggs. “About 6,” he told her.

Sam had been very mysterious about where they were dining. He would only say that they should all get dressed up and a car would be by to pick them up. She told Donna that she was also welcome to bring Harley, which of course, had pleased Donna to no end. Josh planned to go back to his place about 4:30 and get dressed and come back to her place so the car only had to make one stop for them. He was also planning on picking up some flowers on the way for her. Just as a little something to brighten her day. 

As for Donna, she was going to get to go to dinner as herself and not as Sydney. One thing Sam did tell them was that the place they were going to was not a traditional restaurant and was very, very private. Josh knew that Donna was chaffing a bit at having to drag Sydney everywhere, so he’d encouraged her to go as herself. That had put a rare spark of excitement in her eyes. She seemed to be really looking forward to going and was planning to wear a formal gown that she’d never worn before. Over it she was going to wear a long cape that had a wide hood that would shield her face while they were outside.

“Oh, 6, that’s right,” she commented as the golden bread popped up out of the toaster. She piled it on a small plate.

“Hey, Donna? Would you mind turning on the TV?” he asked her as she carried the toast and jam to the table. “I’d like to watch the morning news.”

“No problem,” she said. Pressing the power button she turned on the TV, switched it to the local news and went back in the kitchen for plates, utensils and napkins. The plates, she put down on the counter next to Josh so he could divide up the eggs, while she took the rest to the table to finish setting it.

Automatically, Josh turned off the fire and started splitting up the eggs. They made breakfast like a fine tuned machine, he thought with a little smirk.

“....Repeating our top story, police and FBI officials believe the DC Strangler has claimed his latest victim,” the dark haired reporter was saying. “The body of Robin Marcus was found in her Adams Morgan apartment early this morning.”

The screen changed from the young reporter to a still photo of the dead woman. A shot that had been taken when she was very much alive. “According to authorities, Marcus, who was 24 and worked as a tour guide at the Washington Monument, had been sexually assaulted and strangled to death some time around midnight last night.” 

Josh’s eyes snapped from the TV to Donna, she was standing by the table, her eyes boring holes in the screen and gripping the silverware in her hand so tightly, her knuckles were white.

The screen changed again. This time from the still photo to a live shot outside the woman’s apartment as the coroner brought the body out, wrapped in a body bag and a dark blue blanket.

“Her body was discovered early this morning by her sister. The two women had made plans to have breakfast together. We will bring you more details on this breaking story as they become available.”

“Donna...” he began, starting to come around the counter toward her. She didn’t respond in any way but the sound of silverware falling from her hand to clatter on the floor, echoed loudly through the room. Harley started at the sound and sat up on the couch. Josh moved toward her slowly so as not to startle her. Except for her hand letting go of the silverware she was silent and still. Then, suddenly, as if someone had jabbed her with something, she clapped her hand over her mouth and ran for the bathroom. It was so sudden and unexpected it took Josh a second to register it. Then he tore after her.

By the time he made it to the bathroom she was retching helplessly into the toilet. Because she hadn’t actually eaten yet, there wasn’t much to bring up but her body was doing it best. Silently he gathered her hair back and rubbed her back in small circles. “It’s okay,” he said, softly. “I’m right here.”

As her body began to relax and the spasms began to ease, she laid her head bonelessly on her arm which was resting on the toilet seat. Josh got a wet wash cloth and gently wiped her face and then got her some water to rinse her mouth with. “Ready to get up?” he asked softly. Looking up at him miserably, she just shook her head, so he sat down behind her. “Then how about somewhere more comfortable to lean against than the toilet?” This time she nodded and he put his arms around her and pulled her against him. “Did this happen before? With all the other victims I mean?” he asked, with only curiosity and not accusation in his voice.

She nodded against his shoulder. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Josh. I wasn’t lying, I just didn’t tell you,” she said, her voice rough from throwing up and distressed from having him find out something else she hadn’t told him.

“It’s okay. I understand.” And he did. What had happened to him the Christmas he’d put his hand through the window in his apartment had taught him a lot about how easy lies of omission could be.

“But I didn’t mean to lie to you. I thought the vomiting would stop but it won’t,” she said miserably. “Oh, God, Josh. What if I am pregnant? I don’t think I could handle that after everything else.”

“Shhh, Donna. It’s all right. Just relax,” he said, seeing how upset she was. “If you are then we’ll deal with it. I’ll be there with you, no matter what you decide to do. If you’re not pregnant and getting sick is stress related, I think seeing Barbara will help. But for now, just hang onto me.” He felt her arms go around him and he began to rock her gently. “One thing Stanley told me that has always stuck in my mind was that we get better. No matter what, I know you’ll get better. You’ve just got to hang in there a little longer.”

**********

Donna stood in the bedroom and ran her hands down over the front of her dress. She wondered if Sam would recognize it. It was the same dress she’d admired when they’d been at the secondhand dress shop in Baltimore, searching for a formal dress to fit Sydney. She’d gone back later, by herself, and bought it. The deep burgundy color of the velvet was a great contrast to her skin and the style was alluring and stylish without going overboard. Since it was usually hiding under Sydney’s wig, Donna left her hair down and loose. She’d curled it a bit to give it a slight wave and for accessories, she added a simple gold chain, gold hoop earrings and a gold bracelet. She looked at her reflection for a moment. 

Maybe Josh was right. She HAD lost a lot of weight. The long shirt-waist dress, which had fit her perfectly when she’d bought it, hung a bit loosely on her now. But she didn’t care. She was going out to dinner as herself and not Sydney. She could have been wearing a potato sack and she still would have been happy. A little buzz of excitement rolled through her. The thing on her right leg was feeling a bit painful and tomorrow she had the thing with the pregnancy tests to deal with, but tonight she wasn’t going to let anything keep her from enjoying herself.

She was even hungry. All she’d eaten all day was the scrambled eggs and toast Josh had practically begged her to eat after the worst of her nausea had passed. He’d even made her some hot tea to drink with it in hopes of settling her stomach.

Looking down she smiled at her companion. “Well, Harley. What do you think? Are we ready or are we ready?” Harley, with no sense of decorum or occasion, of course, took that moment to scratch himself. Still, he looked adorable. Since all the other men were dressing up, she didn’t want Harley to be underdressed. At the pet store she’d found a ‘dog-edo.’ Basically, it was an all-in-one doggie version of a tuxedo, including a little tie, but without the pants. 

Her buzzer sounded and she went to see if it was Josh. Seeing him on the small monitor, she buzzed him in. She knew he could get in his own, but she appreciated the fact that once in a while he let her choose if she wanted to let him in or not. Of course, she always wanted to let him in, but still it was nice to be given the choice. A few moments later, there was a knock at her door. Looking through the peephole she checked again to see it was him and then, standing behind it, with Harley at her side, she opened the door and she heard Josh walk in. 

When she closed the door however, she didn’t see Josh. His face was obscured by a large bouquet of two dozen white roses. He peeked out around them. “Hey,” he said with a smile. “These are for you.” He held them out to her and got his first chance to get a good look at her. Even with her being a little thin for the dress, she was beautiful. “You look amazing as always, Donnatella.”

Donna took the roses and smiled, probably one of the biggest, most genuine smiles she’d had in the last couple months. “Thank you, Josh. For the compliment and the roses. They’re both lovely.” She walked to the kitchen to get out a vase for them.

“Hey, Harley looks cute,” Josh said, remarking on Harley’s outfit.

“Thanks. He’ll be the best dressed dog there,” she replied.

Walking to the kitchen he watched as she filled the vase with water. “How are you feeling?” he asked, her quietly.

Satisfied the vase had enough water, she turned off the tap and put the vase on the counter. “Good,” she said, honestly as she began to put the roses in the vase. “I’m really looking forward to tonight.” 

He watched her as she filled the vase with flowers. She was the most precious thing he’d ever had in his life. Once, he thought politics would be the ultimate accomplishment in his life. Now, he saw it was so much simpler than that. Now, his ultimate accomplishment would be to just make her happy. To see her smile. To hear her laugh. To make a life with her. “Yeah, it should be a lot of fun. It’s going to be great to have Sam back in town.”

“Yes, but I shudder to think about the trouble with two of you will think of to get yourselves into,” she replied.

He smirked at her. “But that’s why I have you. To get me out of any trouble I get into.”

“Oh, is that why you keep me around? I was wondering,” she said as she slid the last rose into place. 

He knew she’d said it as a joke but he didn’t want to take it as one. “Donna.” He waited until she looked at him. “That’s only one of about a million reasons I’m thankful that you choose to stay around when I know you’ve could have moved on to other things.”

Donna looked at him for a moment. Then she pulled one of the roses back out of the vase and cut it down so that just about all that was left was the delicate bud. Walking over to him she slipped it into the small button hole on his lapel. “I’m where I want to be,” she said simply. “Now give me your tie,” she said, holding out her hand for it since he wasn’t already wearing it. He pulled it out and handed it to her. It was the real thing instead of a pre-tied one. “Tony Bennett tonight, Josh?” she said with a bit of a smile as she began to tie it.

“Yeah, well, I know Toby and Sam always wear real ones and didn’t want to be outdone by either of them at the end of the night.”

She looped the material around, “Ah, yes but Toby and Sam don’t fill out a tux like you do Josh.”

He flushed at bit at the compliment and hoped she didn’t notice. Before he could answer, his cell phone rang. He read the display before he answered. “Hey, CJ,” he said as Donna gave a final tug and his tie was tied.

“We’re here,” she told him. “You guys ready?”

Josh walked to the window and looked down to the street. CJ was standing up through the open sun roof of the limo. When she saw him appear at the window she waved to him. “Yeah, we’ll be right down.

**********

“Donna, could you please get this rubber ball thief off of me,” Toby begged as they rode in the limo on their way to dinner.

Donna started to call Harley but CJ beat her to it. “Harley, mi amor, come sit by me,” she said, patting the empty seat next to her. “I’d love to sit next to the best-dressed male in the car.” Harley moved away from Toby and happily climbed up into the seat next to her. “Good boy,” she said, scratching him behind the ears.

“So did Sam tell either of you guys where we were eating?” Josh asked.

“No,” CJ replied. “He told us, just like he told you, to get dressed up and the car would take us where we needed to go.” 

The car drove on through town until it stopped in front of a large, historic office building. A number of businesses occupied the glass store fronts on the bottom floor. It was late enough that the majority of them were closed and dark. But the office they were stopped in front of had what appeared to be flickering lights burning inside. You couldn’t actually see inside though because large cotton sheets were hung in the window. There were no obvious markings on the glass windows or the glass door to indicate what business existed in that space.

The driver got out and opened their door. Everyone piled out. “You’re to go inside,” the driver told them. “I’ll be back when you’re finished with the evening’s festivities.” With that, he got back in the limo and drove away. They all stood there, a little bewildered.

“Well, we can stand out on the street like a bunch of cattle or we can do as the man said and go inside,” Toby said, moving to the door. Pulling it open, he held it for them.

“So let me get this straight, Toby,” CJ began. “You decided that we should all go inside but you’re going to stand here and hold the door so WE have to go in first. What if a band of thieves is waiting to jump us?”

“Thus my reasoning for you going first,” Toby replied. “I’ll, of course, be bringing up the rear.”

“You’re my hero, Toby,” CJ said with a smirk as she walked through the door and went inside.

“I’m a lover, not a fighter,” Toby called after her as everyone filed past him.

“Hello?” CJ said tentatively.

“Back here, guys.”

“Sam?” Josh called.

“Yeah, I’m in here.”

The space was divided into four rooms. Two smaller rooms faced the street through the large picture windows. Big, fat, white pillar candles were spread out through the otherwise empty front rooms. The little group walked toward the back of the building and the two larger rooms that were located there. The one on the right was empty and dark but the one on the left was a sight to behold. The four of them stopped in the doorway and gaped.

A long dining table and matching mahogany chairs were set up in the middle of the room. It was completely set for an elegant full course dinner. More white pillar candles were set around the room, bathing it a warm, inviting glow. A long buffet table, complete with covered silver chafing dishes and a small array of beverages, including red and white wines, sparkling and bottled waters, a pitcher of fresh-brewed iced tea and a large bucket of ice.

Sam stood at the end of the table, working the cork out of a bottle of white wine. “Hi, guys. Come on in,” he said, with a smile as he pulled the cork free. “Welcome to my new offices.”

“These are the offices that you put a deposit down on?” CJ asked as they filed into the room. “This is an amazing location. You’re right near the White House and I love this building.”

“Thanks, CJ. I’m hoping that the location will help with getting clients. My White House experience should help too. This is going to be my office. The front area with the big windows will be a reception area. The other back room will be for filing and storage.” He smiled, proud that they liked his choice for a new office. “I wanted to have the electricity on for tonight but they can’t come out and turn it on until tomorrow. Which is why we are eating by candlelight. My office furniture from California doesn’t get here until next week but I managed to get the catering company to supply this dining room set for tonight.” He looked at them. “So what does everyone want to drink?” he asked. They each picked white wine.

“I want to propose a toast,” Josh said. Everyone raised their glasses, “To Sam returning to the fold.”

“To friends and the future,” Sam added. They all clinked glasses and took a sip.

“Donna, CJ, you both look gorgeous as always,” Sam told them.

“Thanks, Sam. Do you recognize my dress?” Donna asked him.

Sam stood back and looked at her for a minute, then he smiled. “The Second Time Around.”

“That’s right.”

“You went back and got it after all. It looks terrific on you,” he said. Leaning forward, he kissed her on the cheek. He managed to keep the frown off his face at seeing how much weight she’d lost in the two months he’d been gone.

“Thanks,” she said with a small smile.

“Where’d you get your dress, CJ?” Sam asked her. “I don’t think I’ve seen it before.”

“No, it’s new. Okay, it’s pretty new. I’ve only worn it once,” she said, about the floor length black gown. “I wore it to an embassy party a couple of months ago.”

“Well, you look amazing.” 

“Thanks, Spanky,” CJ replied. 

“Sam, we’re not going to have to listen to your diatribes on fashion all night, are we?” Toby asked him.

“Do you find them annoying, Toby?”

“Yeah.”

Sam smirked. “Well, then yes. Besides I’m practicing for the fashion consultant/personal shopper gig that I’m going to go into if the law practice fails.” Everyone but Toby laughed at that. “And might I say that Harley is going to go down in the history books as one of the best dressed dogs ever. What a great outfit, Donna.”

“Thanks. I found it at the pet shop. I thought since everyone was dressing up, Harley should be no exception,” she told him.

“Well, Harley will be happy to know that I’ve even arranged dinner for him. I found a place in Georgetown that makes gourmet dog food,” Sam told her.

“Thanks for going to so much trouble, Sam,” she said,

“No trouble at all. I want ALL my guests to enjoy themselves.”

Later as they ate the wonderful catered dinner Sam had arranged, Donna smiled and took a look around the table. It almost felt like old times. Sam was back. He and Toby were bantering. Josh’s arm was resting across the back of her chair as he chatted with CJ. There was no Sydney to have to deal with. It was just a wonderful dinner with everyone looking their best and it was one of the best evenings she could ever remember.

**********

Sunlight was streaming in through the window when Donna woke late Sunday morning. But she was feeling groggy, achy and more tired than when she’d gone to bed the night before. Almost like she had a hangover but she hadn’t had more than 2 glasses of wine last night. The thing on her right leg was steadily throbbing now and she had the feeling that she would find the dressing caked with all manner of unpleasant things. She’d have to be sure to put extra antibacterial cream on it when she changed the bandage.

“Hey, sleepyhead,” Josh said, coming out of the bathroom. He was already dressed in jeans and a Harvard sweatshirt. “You finally decided to wake up, huh?”

Donna laid there for a minute and looked at him sleepily. “I don’t feel very good, think I might be coming down with something,” she told him.

He frowned and walked over to the bed. Laying a hand on her forehead, he felt for a temperature. “Well, you do feel a little warm,” he said with a deepening frown. “Are you feeling nauseous?”

“No, but I’m not especially hungry,” she said.

“If I make you some tea and toast do you think you could choke it down?”

“I guess so,” she replied.

“Well, then I decree this to be Donnatella stays in bed day,” he said with a grin.

“But I have to take the tests.”

He sat down on the edge of the bed, “Yeah, I know. But that won’t take very long. In fact all you really have to do is pee on a stick, well for two of them anyway.”

“How do you know?” she asked, with a raised eyebrow. “Are you the pregnancy test expert now?”

“No, but I read the directions on each of the tests while you were sleeping away the morning,” he teased. “Two of them have sticks you pee on and two of them you pee in a cup and dip the stick in the cup. Although you can do it anytime, they all say it’s best to do it when you pee for the first time in the morning.”

She looked at him sleepily. “Okay, first of all, that fact that you managed to read and remember the directions without running screaming from the apartment is kind of freaking me out and second of all, we may have to spread out the tests because I’m not sure I have that much pee in me to do them all at once.”

“Hey, it wasn’t my idea to buy four tests,” he said with a smirk.

“I just wanted to be sure,” she half pouted.

“I know,” he said, sobering. “Do you need to pee now?”

“Yeah, I might as well,” she said, throwing back the covers. He followed her as she shuffled to the bathroom.

“Now I laid them out for you. The first two you pee on the small end and then you pee in the two cups and dip the other two in.”

“You’re way to into this process for a man, Josh,” she managed.

“I have an inquiring mind, Donnatella.” ‘And it will be practice for our kids,’ he thought.

She sighed tiredly, “Okay, pee on the small end, then fill and dip. Right. Got it. My life is full.”

“I’ll be right out...you know,” he said pointing his thumb over his shoulder.

“Kay,” she said as he walked into the living room and shut the door behind him. Following what he said, she managed to get out enough pee to take all four tests. Then she cleaned up and was about to change the bandages on her legs when he knocked at the door.

“How you doing in there?” he asked through the door.

“I’m just cleaning up and brushing my teeth,” she told him as she turned on the water. Quickly, she changed the bandages. While the left one was scabbed over and looked well on its way to healing, the right one, just as she’d feared, did not look happy. It was angry and red and just a little swollen. The cut also went a little deeper than she’d realized and it wouldn’t stay closed. The gauze bandage was stained with some blood and what looked like yellowish fluid. She’d tried to be careful to keep it clean but it was most likely infected. ‘Well,’ she thought. ‘With a little time it will get better.’ She used some hydrogen peroxide and some antibiotic cream on it and then covered it with a fresh bandage. Then she took all the old bandages and any left over bits and wrapped them in a large wad of toilet paper and buried it in the bottom of the bathroom trash can. By the time she opened the door she felt exhausted. “Okay, done. Now what?” she asked him as she leaned tiredly against the door jam.

“We wait 15 minutes and then look at the sticks,” he told her looking at his watch. “Depending on which test we’re looking at we’ll see a colored dot, one or two lines, a plus/minus, or the tried and true, yes/no.” He looked at her and how exhausted she seemed. “Why don’t you get back in bed while we wait? You look like a strong breeze is going to blow you over.”

Sounded like a good idea to her. The two of them walked back to the bed and he helped her climb back in. “Thanks,” she said as he pulled the covers up over her. 

“I know just what you need.” He walked over and picked Zane of the top of the dresser where Donna had started putting him. Josh took him back and tucked the grey rabbit in the crook of her arm. “How about if I make you that tea and cinnamon toast? I’ll even serve it to you in bed. Eating in bed is mandatory on Donnatella stays in bed day.”

Donna looked at him for a minute. “Could you just stay here with me until we find out about the...you know?” she asked. She really didn’t want to be alone right then. “I’ll eat something after.”

“Sure,” Josh said with a smile as he settled himself on the edge of the bed next to her and picked up her hand in his. “Don’t worry. Whatever the tests show, Donna, you’re not alone anymore. Promise me you’ll remember that.”

She squeezed his hand, “I know, Josh. Thanks.”

“Donna, can I can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” she said, sleepily. “What is it?”

“Have you ever thought about having kids? I mean I know not under these conditions but you know, having getting married, having a family, that kind of thing?”

She thought back to the days when she’d thought about those things and Josh automatically in the same sentence. It seemed like a lifetime ago. “Yes, I’ve thought about those things. I figured I’d meet the right guy, he’d do some serious wooing, and then we’d get married and start a family. In that order.”

Josh knew he was about to step on his own land mine but he couldn’t help it. “Have you met him yet? This right guy?”

Donna thought about how she’d felt about him before the attack and how she felt now and she still didn’t know how to respond to that. “Well, I guess the jury is still out on that,” she said enigmatically then tried to shift the focus a bit. “What about you, Josh? You ever think about having some little Lymans running around?”

He looked at her. “Actually, I always thought having kids would be great. Of course, we’re back to the whole, ‘finding the right person’ thing and given my dating track record that’s quite a challenge.” He paused. “But once I find that person I can easily see myself as a dad.”

“I always thought you’d make a good father,” she said without thinking.

The comment made his heart clench and he took it as an extremely high compliment. “Well, I know you’d make a great mother,” he said, smiling down at her gently. “After all, look at the practice you’ve gotten at looking after me all these years.” They were quiet for a few moments and Josh glanced down at his watch. “Well, my crappy watch is telling me that the tests should be ready. Shall we go and look?”

“Josh, could you go look? I know it’s pretty cowardly of me but I’m just can’t.”

He squeezed her hand. “It’s not cowardly and of course, I’ll go look.” He slid off the bed and walked toward the bathroom but stopped at the foot of the bed and turned back to her. “Donna?”

“What?” 

“Thanks for....you know, letting me be here to help you with this,” he said.

“Well, like you keep telling me, that’s what friends are for, right?” He nodded and smiled, then turned and went into the bathroom.

Donna laid there in bed and said a quick, silent, little prayer. She’d never been especially religious but now seemed to be as good a time to start as any. ‘Please let the tests be negative and let my leg get better so know one will know what happened.’

Josh came shuffling back into the bedroom with the four sticks arranged in his hands like playing cards. A smile creased his face, “All four of them are negative. You’re not pregnant.”

Sitting up, Donna held her breath, “Really? I mean really? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better? I’m really not pregnant?”

He walked over to the bed and showed her the displays on the four sticks. “According to these, you’re really not pregnant. This one has nothing which mean it’s negative cause it would have a blue dot if it was positive, this one has a minus sign which is negative, this one has one line instead of two, which is negative, and this one says ‘No’ which is, well, pretty self-explanatory.” He looked at her with a big grin. “You’re not pregnant, Donna.”

“I’m not pregnant,” she said, returning his grin. Her relief was palpable.

He put his arms around her to pull her close. “I know most people don’t say this when they find out they AREN’T pregnant,” he said. “But congratulations.” He pulled back. “Now, how about, to celebrate, I make you that tea and cinnamon toast I promised?”

“Sounds great. Oh, be sure you save those test sticks for Mrs. Bartlet; she’ll want to see them,” she told him as he left the room. Lying back in bed, she thought for a minute. Well, at least now they knew that she was getting sick because she was crazy and not pregnant.

She didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

**********

Monday morning had come way too quickly, Donna thought as she laid in bed late the next morning. And instead of feeling better, she felt worse. Her fever was hanging on, her whole body ached and her leg was throbbing and itching like mad. Her head felt like it was filled with cotton. Josh had ordered her to stay home from work and promised to stop by and check on her after his morning meeting with Senator McCutchen. Actually, he wanted Ryan to reschedule the meeting so he could stay there with her, but Donna told him she was just going to sleep anyway and would be fine on her own. It was just the flu, she’d told him.

And the flu was just what she thought it was. The flu coupled with what she was sure was an infection in the cut on her leg. But now she wasn’t so sure. She was beginning to feel a bit dizzy, even when she was lying down. And she was going between feeling hot and then having chills. All in all it was quite annoying. Oddly, the only thing she didn’t feel was nauseous. She wasn’t hungry but at least she wasn’t throwing up.

Although it seemed like a Herculean feat to her, she had to pee. Throwing back the covers, she managed to sit up. The room tilted just a bit, then settled. Working up the energy she slid off the bed and started for the bathroom.

Harley, who was lying on his pillow at the foot of her bed looked up as he heard her get up. He watched her as she slowly, unsteadily crossed the room. His human didn’t look very good and he could just smell something strange coming from the top of her leg. It reminded him of the smell his leg had when he’d gotten in a fight with another dog, when he’d still been with his old human. His current human seemed to be having trouble walking in a straight line and he wondered for a moment if she playing some kind of new game he was unfamiliar with. Just then she stopped and swayed just a bit. Taking a final step, she pitched forward and fell to the floor with a thud. She didn’t get up.

Jumping up off his pillow Harley ran over to her. Her eyes were closed like she was asleep but Harley knew something was wrong. He licked her face, trying to wake her up but she remained still. He looked up as he heard the noise. It was music and it sounded like the one that the little box that his human talked into made. The music was coming from the bag that his human carried. It was sitting on the coffee table. He trotted over to the bag. Maybe someone would hear him if he talked into the little box and they would come and help. He started barking but nothing happened. The music only continued to play for a few more minutes and then stopped.

Frustrated, Harley turned to go back to his human when the ringing started. This ringing was louder than the music and more annoying. It was coming from the bigger box on the table by the couch. His human talked into that box sometimes too, just not very often. In case it would help, he started barking at that box too. Then the ringing stopped. But a strange thing happened, a voice started coming from the box. It was his human’s voice. Harley looked back at his human, who was still lying, still and quiet on the floor. Confused, he looked back at the box and started barking.

“You’ve reached (202) 845-7236; we can’t answer your call right now, but please leave your name, number and brief message at the beep and we will return your call as soon as possible.” BEEP

Then the voice changed. “Hey, it’s me.”

Harley got excited and barked harder. It was his human’s human. He would help her. He would know what to do.

“...I just called to check on you. But I guess you’re sleeping...”

Harley had to make him hear his barking. He began to paw frantically at the box. But he found it was about as sturdy as those squirrels he used to chase, when part of it tumbled off and fell to the floor by his paws. The human’s voice wasn’t so loud then and sounded far away. In case the box was still working Harley kept barking.

Luckily for Harley, and consequently Donna, what Harley had done was to knock the cordless handset off the base which automatically switched the phone on. 

“...I left a message on your cell too.” Josh was saying into his cell phone as he walked back to the White House from the Hill. “So call me when....” He heard Donna’s phone click on and then was almost deafened by the sound of Harley’s barking. Josh’s heart sped up. Something was wrong. “Harley!” he yelled. “Harley? Where’s Donna?!” The sound of Harley’s barking was his only response. Hailing a cab, Josh rushed over to her apartment to find out what was going on.

When he got there, he didn’t even take the time to buzz her apartment. He just punched in the code and ran up the stairs. He pounded on her door but the only response he got was more of Harley barking. Uncoding the alarm and unlocking the door he burst into the room. Harley was standing in the living room. The top of Donna’s blonde head was just visible through the bedroom doorway. She was lying face down on the floor. Josh ran over and knelt beside her. “Donna!? Donna!?” he called, trying to wake her. She moaned slightly but didn’t wake up. He felt her forehead. She was burning up.

Jerking out his phone, he dialed 911. Giving them the address and the details about the way she’d been feeling he hung up and then he made two other phone calls. One to Mrs. Bartlet so she could meet them at the hospital and one to Sam so he could come and take Harley over to the White House and then come to the hospital.

**********

Josh paced the almost empty emergency waiting room of GW. He’d been able to ride in the ambulance with Donna. He’d had to ride up front but he’d still been close by. She’d started to come around on the way to the hospital. He’d seen her moving a bit through the pass between the front cab and the back of the ambulance. 

They’d taken her into the emergency room about a half hour ago and he hadn’t seen her since. Until just recently, he’d been busy filling out the never-ending piles of forms, careful to list her name as Sydney Collins and not Donnatella Moss. 

“Josh?”

At the sound of his name, he looked up. Abbey was quickly walking across the room toward him, her Secret Service detail in tow. “What happened?” she asked him. “Elaine told me you called and said Donna was going to the hospital,” she said, referring to Elaine Lowell, her current chief-of-staff.

“Well, she wasn’t feeling well yesterday,” he explained. “She was running a slight fever and was really tired and achy.”

“Any nausea or vomiting?”

“No, but she wasn’t very hungry. I got her to eat two pieces of toast and some tea and had her stay in bed all day yesterday. This morning I was going to stay home with her but she said she was okay and that she was going to sleep.” He didn’t know how to explain the thing with Harley so he didn’t try. “When I went by the apartment to check on her, I found her passed out on the bedroom floor.”

“Did she take a pregnancy test over the weekend like I suggested?” Abbey asked.

He managed to smile a bit at that. “Yeah, she took four in fact. They all came out negative.”

Abbey smiled, “Four, huh? Sounds like Donna.” She laid her hand on his arm. “I’ll see what I can find out.” Then she disappeared into the emergency room.

Josh paced for a while, tying not to let his mind create scenarios, that would drive him insane before he actually knew any real facts. It could be nothing after all. She probably just had the flu and was dehydrated or something. Yes, that had to be it.

“Josh?” Sam said as he entered the waiting room. “Any word yet?”

“No, Mrs. Bartlet went to see if she could find out anything. Did you get Harley settled okay at the White House kennel?”

“Yeah, no problem,” Sam replied.

Josh was quiet for a moment, “You know, the big mutt saved her life. He managed to pull the phone of the hook. I heard him barking and knew something was wrong. I swear, I’m going to see to it that he gets steak for the rest of his life.” Just then, Abbey came out from the back emergency area. Her expression grave and a bit puzzled. “What is it?” Josh asked her.

“Josh, Sam, why don’t we talk over here for a minute.” She led them to a quite corner of the waiting area.

“What’s going on?” Josh asked her, a heavy feeling deep in the pit of his stomach. “What did you find out?”

Abbey looked at him for a moment and just decided to tell him, “Well, she’s suffering from cellulitis, a bacterial skin infection.”

“But they can treat that, right? If it’s bacterial, then they can treat it with antibiotics, right?” Josh wanted to be relieved but the look on Mrs. Bartlet’s face was not letting him.

“Yeah, they can treat the infection. It’s a pretty severe infection but with a couple of days of intravenous antibiotics and then oral ones after they release her, she should be fine.”

Josh looked at Sam and then back at Abbey. “Why do I feel like there’s an enormous ‘but’ coming?” 

“Josh, the site of her infection is a cut on her leg.”

“A cut on her leg? I don’t remember her saying anything about a cut on her leg,” Josh replied, baffled.

“Do you remember the scars she has on her thighs? The ones she said she got from running through a sliding glass door when she was young?”

The hairs on the back of Josh’s neck began to prickle. “Yes. What about them?”

“The cut is in the same place on her right thigh. They found one on her left thigh as well but it pretty well scabbed over and wasn’t infected.”

Josh stared at her for a minute. “How could she possibly get cuts on her thighs? I know she hasn’t gone through any glass doors recently.” His brain just wasn’t absorbing what she was trying to say.

Abbey was quiet for a moment. There was just no good way to do this. “Josh, they think she cut herself. On purpose.” She paused to let that sink in. “They called in one of the therapists on staff in their psychiatric department to evaluate her. The doctor, a Dr. Jan Todd, decided that she should be held over for 72-hour psychiatric observation. Dr. Todd is having her committed to the psychiatric unit.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 25 - MATURE

Josh looked at Abbey. To say he was stunned was an understatement. “But why...why would she cut herself?” he asked her.

“I don’t know, Josh. I’m a thoracic surgeon, not a psychiatrist. They’ll treat her infection while they have her under observation.”

“Wait. Did you say Dr. Todd?” Josh asked her.

“Yes. Why?” Abbey asked.

“That was the name of Donna’s first therapist. The one that Donna didn’t like. She said she was mean,” Josh said with a frown.

“Well, I don’t know about that. I was actually speaking with the with the emergency doctor on call,” she told him. “I also explained about her going by the name of Sydney Collins temporarily and he agreed to list that name on all her paperwork.

“Did you see her?” Josh asked.

“Just briefly. They were working on getting her wound cleaned and stitched and her medication started. She was pretty out of it,” Abbey told him.

“Did they say when I could see her?”

Abbey looked at him. “Josh, you don’t understand. She’s being committed to the psychiatric unit. People under psychiatric evaluation don’t usually get to have visitors.”

“Then I need to get her...uncommitted,” Josh said, not knowing what else to call it. “How do I do that?” he asked her desperately. There was no way he was going to let Donna stay in this hell hole for three days without visitors.

“I’m afraid you can’t do that.” A voice said from behind him. The three of the them turned to face who was speaking.

Josh’s first thought about the speaker was she looked....hard. “Dr. Todd?” he guessed.

“Yes. That’s right,” she said, blinking slightly from behind her glasses. She was a little surprised that this man knew who she was. “And you are?”

He could immediately see why Donna didn’t like this woman. Her look when she asked who he was a perfect imitation of someone who was saw something unpleasant on their shoe and was getting ready to scrape it off. “Joshua Lyman. Why are you committing Donna?”

Dr. Todd looked at him for a moment, “I don’t believe I answer to you, Mr. Lyman. I came out here to speak to Dr. Bartlet. I was told she’d made some inquires about Miss Moss’ condition.” Dismissing Josh, Dr. Todd shifted her gaze to Abbey. “Dr. Bartlet.”

Abbey felt, rather than saw Josh and Sam bristle on each side of her. “Dr. Todd,” Abbey said. Her voice was cool as she inconspicuously wrapped her hand around Josh’s wrist to keep him calm. She recognized Dr. Todd’s attitude right away. She occasionally saw it in the medical profession. Whether it be a physician or a nurse or any other kind of medical professional that worked with patients, it didn’t matter. They all had one thing in common. An attitude of benign condescension. When the doctor or other medical professional stops being a human being like everyone else, stops remembering there is a person behind the patient, and assumes that they are a step above and infallible.

Well, this woman had no idea who she was dealing with and Abbey figured that between her, Josh, Sam, and the other forces that the two of them were sure to gather, this little psychiatrist was going to get her spleen handed to her on a plate. Abbey knew then that getting Donna ‘uncommitted,’ as Josh had put it, wouldn’t be a problem, and they’d most likely have some fun doing it. “Since you wouldn’t answer when Josh asked it, I’ll ask it. Why are you committing, Donna?” Again she kept her voice calm and professional.

“I would prefer to consult with you in private about it,” Dr. Todd said.

“It won’t matter, Dr. Todd. I’ll tell them everything you tell me anyway, so it will save time if you just told me now.”

Dr. Todd adjusted her glasses with an air of barely suppressed annoyance, “Very well. It is my opinion that Miss Moss is a danger to herself. She has obviously been engaging in erratic and self-destructive behaviors and she refuses any attempts at psychoanalytic therapy. Then there is the matter of her Sydney Collins persona. It concerns me that she might be developing a dissociative identity disorder. Not to mention the fact that the cutting may have even been a botched or failed suicide attempt. All those things leave me no other choice to commit her for an evaluation period of 72 hours minimum.”

Josh wouldn’t be silenced any longer. This woman was the psychiatric equivalent of Mary Marsh. “A suicide attempt? Dissociative identity disorder?” he said, trying to keep his voice level and almost succeeding. “That’s what you think this is? That she has split personalities and was trying to kill herself? You couldn’t be more wrong. I’ve been staying with Donna for the last few days and before that I saw her everyday at work. She was NOT suicidal!” he insisted. “And as for Sydney Collins, she was created by all of us to protect Donna from the monster that almost killed her. Where exactly DID you get your degree, Doctor?”

“I’ll have you know that I received my degree from Johns Hopkins,” she snapped at Josh.

“And is was in psychology, right?” Josh asked her.

This time Dr. Todd ignored his comment, but she was clearly a bit flustered now. “Dr. Bartlet, it really would be better if I could confer with you in private without all these interruptions.”

Abbey wanted to get her pound of flesh from the good Dr. Todd as much as Josh did, but she needed her to be cooperative for the moment. She gave Josh’s wrist a hard squeeze to let him know she knew what she was doing. “You’ll have to excuse Josh, Dr. Todd. He’s very fond of Donna. They’re very good friends.” She thought about saying that Josh was also Donna’s boss but Abbey suspected that Dr. Todd would have jumped on that and made some carefully worded psychobabble crack or conclusion about Josh having sex with his secretary so she left it out. “Tell me Dr. Todd, are there no exceptions to this commitment procedure? No way around it?” she said with smile disarming smile. A smile that anyone who knew her at all well, would have seen for her, “I’m-only-being-polite-until-I-have-a-chance-to-squash-you-under-my-heel” look.

“I’m afraid not,” Dr. Todd said as if she was deeply sorry when it was obvious she was anything but. “The only option would be if someone held her medical power of attorney.” 

Abbey felt Josh stiffen again and start to say something but she gripped his wrist again to keep him quiet. Poor boy was probably going to have bruises where her hand was but she needed him to let her do the talking for the moment. “What difference would a medical power of attorney make?” Abbey asked, keeping her voice light with professional interest although she pretty much already knew the answer.

“Well, you see, since Miss Moss is the patient being committed she cannot be trusted to make her own decisions. So the person who holds her medical power of attorney could assume that responsibility,” Dr. Todd explained.

“That’s fascinating, Dr. Todd,” Abbey said, playing up to her obvious ego. “So you mean that’s all it would take to get her released from the psychiatric unit? Someone with a medical power of attorney to sign a release?”

“No. In addition to the medical power of attorney, a board-licensed therapist would also need to sign a release saying they would assume responsibility for her care,” Dr. Todd said. Then she shook her head, “But since I’m sure that Miss Moss has no such power of attorney....”

Josh felt Abbey release his wrist, telling him she was done and effectively letting him off the leash. He could have kissed Abbey in gratitude right then if they hadn’t been standing in a public waiting room and she wasn’t....you know, the wife of the most powerful man in America. By keeping him quiet, she’d just managed to extract the answer to getting Donna out of the psychiatric unit. “Yes, she does have a medical power of attorney,” Josh said, arrogance and smugness dripping from every word.

Dr. Todd looked shocked. It was relatively uncommon for someone as young as Donna to have a medical power of attorney. “She does?”

“Yes, she does,” Sam answered, equally arrogant. He’d drawn the papers up himself, not too long after Rosslyn, at Donna’s request. She’d told him if anything happened to her and she couldn’t speak for herself, she knew Josh would make the right decision. She didn’t want her parents having any power over her in that respect. “As I recall, the agent named to act on her behalf is one Joshua Lyman.”

Now Dr. Todd looked positively ill. “You...you are her agent?”

Josh grinned widely, “That’s right.”

She seemed to collect herself for a moment, “Fine. But you still need a licensed therapist to sign her out and I assure you that won’t be me.”

“I wouldn’t ask you tie her shoes,” Josh assured her.

Dr. Todd pulled herself into her most condescending demeanor, “Be that as it may, MISTER Lyman, until you find a therapist to release her, she is my patient and she will remain in the psychiatric unit for at least 72 hours. Longer if I have anything to say about it.”

“Well, shortly you won’t have anything to say about it,” Sam put in. “In the meantime, as her agent and the holder of her medical power of attorney, Mr. Lyman has the right to visit Ms. Moss.”

Dr. Todd glared at Sam. “I realize that,” she snapped out. “Show the power of attorney to the on-duty nurse in the psychiatric unit and as soon as they get Miss Moss settled in a room you can see her.”

Abbey couldn’t let Josh and Sam have all the fun. “You know Dr. Todd, you’d do well to remember that you don’t know everything and that your patients are more than just case studies and the little boxes that you’ve decided they should fit conveniently into.”

“Thank you for the advice, Mrs. Bartlet,” she said tightly. “Good day.” Unable to be in the same room with these three people any longer, Dr. Todd turned on her heel and strode back into the emergency room. 

“Wow, she would have made a good Nazi,” Sam said as they watched her walk away.

“What do you mean ‘would have made,’ she is a Nazi,” Josh replied, disgusted. When he saw Donna he planned to tell her she wasn’t the only one who had a distinct dislike of Dr. Jan Todd.

“So, Josh, who do you have in mind for the therapist to sign Donna out of the psych unit?” Sam asked.

Josh pulled out his phone, “I’m going to call Stanley. Donna told me he gave her the name of a therapist in Bethesda but she hadn’t gotten around to giving me the number so I’ll get it from him.”

“Just so you know, Josh. When you get her out of the psych unit she’ll probably still have to be in a regular room in the hospital," Abbey explained. "They’ll want to monitor her infection closely for the next couple of days.”

“Right. At least she’ll be in a regular room though,” he said, pulling Stanley’s number up in his speed dial.

Abbey nodded, “Well, you guys need me any more?”

“No, Mrs. Bartlet I think we can handle it from here.” He paused. “I, um.....” ‘Oh, hell,’ he thought. Leaning forward, he gathered her into a hug. “Thank you, Mrs. Bartlet. Thanks for everything you’ve done for her.”

Abbey patted him on the back. “I’m glad I could help.” She released him, “You just take care of her, Josh, and let me know if you need anything else. Well, I need to get back to the White House. Let me know once you get her sprung from the psychiatric unit and I’ll come by and see her.”

“Okay, thanks again, Mrs...Dr. Bartlet,” Josh said, trying to add his own touch of respect. Abbey smiled and left with her entourage of Secret Service agents. Josh turned to Sam. “Sam, I need you to do a couple things for me.”

“Name them,” Sam said without hesitation.

“Go back the White House. If Leo’s there, fill him in for me on what’s going on and that I’m going to be here for at least the rest of today. Then go to my office and pull Donna’s medical power of attorney. It’s in the small two drawer fire safe file cabinet in the corner. The keys are in top left drawer of my desk. You’ll find her medical power of attorney in the top drawer of the file cabinet in a file marked ‘personal.’ After you bring me the power of attorney, I need you to go to her apartment. Here’s the keys to the front door,” he said, handing Sam his key ring. “Do you still remember her pass codes for the front door and the alarm?”

Sam thought for a minute, “Yeah.”

“Okay, pack her a small bag of things you think she might need for a couple of days. Pajamas, maybe a change of clothes, toiletries, that kind of thing. Be sure you pack Zane, that’s her stuffed grey rabbit.”

“I remember,” Sam said, nodding. 

“He’ll probably be in the bed someplace, she’d been sleeping with him the last couple of days.”

“Okay. I’ll take care of everything. What are you going to do?” Sam asked.

“While I’m waiting for them to get her settled and you to get back with her power of attorney, I’m going to call Stanley and see if I can get the therapist he recommended to come here to the hospital so we can get this straightened out.”

**********

Donna idly laid there and watched the people working on her. She blinked and wondered how many times a minute the average person blinked. She’d have to do some research on that. 

‘Wait,’ she thought with a tiny frown. Wasn’t there something she was supposed to remember? Wasn’t there something she was supposed to be upset about? She knew the answer a minute ago but now it seemed so far away. Ever since Dr. Todd came. Mean Dr. Todd. She didn’t like Dr. Todd. Dr. Todd had told them to hold her down so she could put a needle of something in her I.V. Maybe that’s what she was supposed to be upset about. She just couldn’t remember. 

Everything had gotten fuzzy after that. And now, even though she couldn’t move her arms and legs for some reason, she felt a little like she was floating on a cloud or something. Even the pain in her leg didn’t hurt anymore and she was so sleepy. Maybe she’d take a little nap and when she woke up she’d work on remembering whatever it was she’d forgotten.

She just wished Josh was there. Josh would help her remember. He would bring her Zane and hot tea and beautiful roses. Maybe they could take Harley for a walk. She frowned again as she began to drift off to sleep. Where was Josh?

**********

With a sigh, Josh leaned up against the wall of the empty elevator. Even though it was only about 1 p.m., the day felt like it had lasted for an eternity. He was finally on his way up to see Donna. It had been an hour since he’d had his little run in with Dr. Todd, whom he’d now nicknamed ‘Dr. Nazi’ and although Sam had brought the power of attorney to him a half hour ago, the hospital hadn’t gotten Donna transferred from emergency to the psychiatric unit until a few minutes ago.

He’d gotten a hold of Stanley. Who, he found out, had flown to Alexandria, Virginia after the Chicago conference to consult with another therapist on a case. Josh had filled him in and even with the sketchy details that Josh had given him, Stanley was surprised and a bit shocked that Dr. Todd had decided to commit Donna. He told Josh he would pick up Barbara and they would be over to the hospital just as soon as possible. 

He ran his hand through his hair, this was really the first moment he had to stop and think about what had put Donna in the hospital. Abbey said Donna had cut herself. That she’d hurt herself on purpose. How could that be? He just didn’t understand. He thought that she was better after his talk with her in the White House basement. Oh, he knew that things weren’t fixed with her by any means but he thought they were on the right track. Obviously he’d missed something.

The elevator doors swished open and Josh walked up to a large desk, behind which stood huge wooden doors. Locked doors.

“Can I help you?” the young nurse behind the desk asked with a pleasant smile. Unlike ‘Dr. Nazi’ she looked kind and...rational. 

“Yes, I’m here to see a patient who was just admitted. Her name is Donnatella Moss but you’ll have her listed under the assumed name Sydney Collins.” Josh reached into his pocket and pulled out the medical power of attorney. “I was told to give you this so I could get in to see her.”

The nurse, her badge said, ‘Katie Sanderson,’ took the paper and looked it over. “Yes, Mr. Lyman, I was told to expect you. I just need to see a picture ID.” Josh pulled out his wallet and showed her his driver’s license. “Fine, Mr. Lyman. I just need to make a copy of the medical power of attorney for our files. While you’re waiting could you sign in, please?” she said, handing him a clipboard. Josh signed the form as she disappeared into the next room. He heard a copy machine start up and then she reemerged a few moments later. 

“Here’s your original back,” she said, handing him back the power of attorney. “I’ll put you in the system as an authorized visitor so next time you come to visit Miss Collins just sign in with the nurse on duty here and show her your ID. She’ll let you through.” Katie pulled out a small badge and handed it to him, “Now, you’ll need to wear this visitor’s badge at all times when you’re in the ward, as well as being escorted to and from her room by a staff member. Just return the badge to the desk when you leave. Any questions?”

“No, but I wanted to tell you that as Miss Collins’ agent I’ve asked two outside mental health professionals to consult on her case. They should be here shortly.”

“What are their names and I’ll add them to the list?”

“Dr. Stanley Keyworth and Dr. Barbara Abbott. Oh, and is there any kind of a consultation room here we can use?”

Katie wrote the names down on a pad. “Yes, we have a number of private consultation rooms you can use. You just go down this hall. Each of the rooms is marked by a small plaque that says ‘consultation.’ If the door is standing open then you’re welcome to make use of the room.”

“Thank you, Katie, you’ve been a huge help. Now what room is Miss Collins in?”

“Oh, she’s in room 201. I’ve sent for an orderly and he’ll show you the way. Please remember not to disturb any of the other patients.” Just then the locks on the large doors clicked open loudly and a young orderly stepped out. “Hi, Justin,” Katie said, greeting him. “This is Mr. Lyman, he’ll be seeing Miss Collins in 201. She came in a few minutes ago.”

Katie turned back to Josh. “Mr. Lyman, Justin will take you back, just follow him.”

Josh nodded and followed Justin through the double doors. When they closed behind them, Josh heard the metal locks sliding into place. The sound was not unlike the sound of a cell door sliding closed.

They walked down a long corridor that looked like any other standard hospital corridor. Except the doors to each room were inset with a small clear window about the size of a standard piece of paper. This allowed the staff to look in and do a visual accounting of the patients without having to actually enter the room. It was also very quiet. Eerily quiet. Usually when you walked through a hospital corridor there were various levels of background noise. TVs playing, conversation buzzing, monitors beeping, respirators operating, wheezing, coughing, even a bit of moaning. But here there was none of that. All the doors were closed and Josh suspected that the rooms had been made to be fairly sound proof. The place gave him the creeps and he ached to think that Donna was locked behind one of these doors.

Justin led him down to the end of the hall to a door on the left. Pulling what looked like a keycard out of his pocket he slid it into the lock which looked very similar to a lock on a hotel room door. A small light clicked from red to green and Justin opened the door part way but stood between him and his view of Donna. “When the door closes you’ll be locked in,” he explained. “The patients tend to wander if they’re not secured. Plus it protects the patients if another patient becomes violent. When you’re ready to go, use this intercom,” he said, indicating a small speaker set into the wall just inside the room by the door. “Someone will be by to let you out and escort you to the ward entrance.”

Josh nodded and Justin stepped back and allowed him to enter. Josh didn’t hear Justin leave and he didn’t hear the door close with a snap of locks. His eyes were solely on the single bed that stood in the middle of the room. The room was cast in heavy shadow, with the only outside window in the room being mostly covered with thick drapes, but he could just make out Donna’s shape lying still and quiet in the bed. The blankets were pulled up to her chin.

The room itself was pretty dismal. The phrase ‘hospital meets prison’ came to mind. It was the ultimate in ‘industrial’ decorating. Plain walls and a bare tile floor. Easier to clean, he assumed. There was one spartan, utilitarian visitors chair. A standard light and medical utility panel was mounted into the wall over the bed. A bathroom that had a small metal wash basin and a metal toilet, but nothing else. There was no TV, no night stand, no wardrobe, and no telephone.

He walked to the side of the bed. “Donna?” he said, quietly. “Are you awake?” Just when he didn’t think she was, her head turned slowly toward him and her eyes opened. In the low light, the two dark blue pools were just visible against the paleness of her skin.

“Hi, how you doing?” he asked her gently. But she only stared back at him silently. An occasional blink being his only sign that she was even awake. “Hey, you’re not going to pull that possum routine on me now are you?” he chided her softly. “I thought we’d gotten past that.” Still no answer. 

He looked around the room for a moment, trying to think of what to say next. An I.V. stand stood next to her bed with two bags of fluid dripping down into tubes that eventually merged into one and then flowed into her arm which was currently covered by the blanket. A small monitor was mounted in the middle of the stand and it was giving a read out of her pulse and heart rate. Her heart beat seemed slow but steady.

“Donna? I don’t know if they told you in emergency or not....you’ve got an infection but you’re going to be fine.” He paused. “Um, Abbey told me about the cuts they found. Donna, why did you hurt yourself? Can you just tell me why?” he asked gently and without accusation. 

‘Josh? Is that Josh?’ Donna wondered. It was so hard to focus and there wasn’t much light. It was like trying to see him through dark fog. His voice was coming to her from what sounded like a long distance and he looked funny, like she was looking at him down a dark tunnel. Maybe if she focused on his voice and listened to what he was saying that would help.

“I want to understand. I want to help you. I’ll do anything to help you,” he said.

‘Yes, he always helps me,’ she thought. That was what he did, he helped people.

“That day in the Residence when you were still recovering from the attack. Do you remember what we said? What we decided? That we’d have to die together because neither of us could deal with the other one dying first. Do you remember?” he asked, his voice heavy with emotion. 

Yes, she remembered. She needed to tell him she remembered but while she could feel her mouth trying to move so she could form the words, no sound would come out.

“They think you may have been trying to kill yourself, I told them it wasn’t true. I was right wasn’t I?” he said, a tear trailing down his cheek. He didn’t notice it and if he had he wouldn’t have cared. “You weren’t trying to go before me, were you? ‘Cause I love you and I won’t let you go anywhere without me.”

She wasn’t going anywhere without him. How could he think that? She had to tell him. Had to make him understand. “Jossshhh...” His name came out just above a slurred whisper.

“Just talk to me, please Donna,” he begged, trying to get her to open up.

Yes, she had to talk to him. She wanted to touch him, to reassure him that she wasn’t going anywhere. She tried to raise her arm but she couldn’t. Why couldn’t she move her arms and legs? “Joshhh....” she tried again, his name still coming out a bit slurred.

Josh heard her say his name but it was said as a plea and he saw Donna begin to move restlessly in the bed as if she was weakly fighting something. Something was wrong, he thought. “Donna? Donna, what is it?” Reaching above her, he flipped on the light. Looking back down at her, his fears were confirmed. Something WAS wrong. Donna’s eyes weren’t blank like he thought. They were bewildered. Her pupils were way too small given the fact that there had been so little light in the room a moment ago.

She was wasn’t being uncommunicative. He was pretty sure she was drugged out of her mind. 

Pulling part of the blanket back, he now saw why she was struggling. She was also in full restraints. “Oh, God, Donna. What have they done to you? Hang on while I get those off of you.” He began unbuckling the heavy leather restraints on her wrists and ankles. As he began to remove them her movements began to calm until she was still again.

“Josh,” she looked at him with a mixture of earnestness, sadness and relief. “Sorrrry.”

“Shhh,” he said, laying one hand over her cheek and laying his other hand over hers. “It’s all right. Don’t be sorry. We’ll figure this out. I promise. Stanley’s on his way with Dr. Abbott and we’re going to get you out of here. Just rest now and when you wake up hopefully you’ll be in your own room. Okay?”

‘Yes,’ she thought, her body, relaxing completely. Josh would take care of her.

Once Donna had drifted back off again, Josh turned the overhead light off and walked into the bathroom, which didn't even have a door. No door meant it was easier to keep tabs on what the patients were doing, he guessed. He didn't want to disturb Donna so he left the bathroom light off. God, what if he'd been put in a place like this after that Christmas? What if they'd drugged him and put him in restraints? Could he have come back from that? Somehow he felt that it would have done more harm than good.

Thankfully, Leo had dealt with things another way and found Stanley to help him as a first step of getting out of the hole. And of course, Donna had been there. She'd seen through him, through everything. Saw that he was coming apart and acted in his best interest by telling Leo. Then, later in the emergency room on Christmas Eve, she'd quietly held his good hand as they'd stitched up his injured one.

He looked out of the bathroom at her sleeping form. Some of the responsibility for her being in this ward was on his shoulders. Although he had witnessed her own slow decent into the hole and done what he'd thought was best, it hadn't been enough. He should have done more and done it sooner. He should have known about the cutting, but it had just never occurred to him that she might be hurting herself. And while it was true that she'd needed to come to the hospital for medical attention for the infection in her leg, he still hadn't done enough to protect her. From herself and from people like Dr. Nazi.

Thoughts about the 'good' doctor made a new wave of anger roll through him. Running some water in the small basin, he splashed the cool water on his face. It did nothing to cool the anger raging inside him, so he slumped against the wall and tried to breathe slowly and carefully. The picture of him ripping Dr. Nazi’s head off when he saw her next kept popping into his head. And he definitely planned on seeing her again. There was no way she was going to get out of the ass kicking she so richly deserved. 

How much was Donna supposed to take? She was being brutalized left and right. First the attack and almost being murdered and now restrained, locked away, and nearly drugged unconscious. ‘Well,’ he thought. ‘It stops here and it stops now.’ 

He took a breath and took a final moment to collect himself. After all, Donna needed him right now and he would be no good to her if he was blind with fury. Just then he heard the door to Donna’s room open, then close as someone walked in. His first instinct was to rush out there and see who it was but as Abbey showed him today and Donna had been trying to tell him since the day she’d hired herself as his assistant, sometimes patience got you more than rushing in blindly. He stepped further back into the shadows of the darkened bathroom and waited. It was Dr. Nazi. 

“Who undid these?” Dr. Todd asked a sleeping Donna. Finding the restraints undone, Dr. Todd moved around the bed and rebuckled each of them. Once she had them refastened, she moved back up to stand next to Donna. Reaching out she took a hold of Donna’s shoulder and shook it. “Miss Moss? Miss Moss, wake up!”

Donna began to swim up through a sea of fog. Who? What? Donna struggled to open her eyes. They finally fluttered open but it was a Herculean effort to keep them that way.

“Welcome back to the land of the living, Miss Moss,” she said, referring to the fact that Donna’s eyes were now open. In the low light she failed to noticed that they were also unfocused. “You know I really hate to say I told you so, Miss Moss, but in this case I’m afraid I’m going to have to. l told you we’d be here if you didn’t let me help you. I said you’d self-destruct and you did.” She watched Donna for a moment, her expression cold and analytical. “And to make this worse, you’ve created this alter-ego, Sydney. I know, I know, your friends told me they created her. But I'm sure they're just covering for you. By the way, how did you get the First Lady involved in this? How could you possibly know her?" Dr. Todd stared down at the helpless woman who stared back at her, first with bewildered blankness and then with a dawning sense of distress. "Well, it doesn't matter anyway, we'll get to the bottom of that soon enough."

'No,' Donna thought weakly. 'Not her. Josh? Where was Josh? He'll make her go away.' 

Dr. Todd looked at her now with an analytical curiosity. “I’m guessing that Sydney gave you something to hide behind. Did you know that sometimes victims of sexual assault actually want sex more rather than less? Rape makes them feel like they’re worthless, like sex is the only thing they’re good for. That they deserve to be used and abused. Is that what happened with you? Did you go out dressed to bars as Sydney and pick up men? Is that what made you so guilty you had to cut yourself? Or were you just trying to get some attention?"

In the shadows, Josh's hands balled into fists at hearing the venom she was spraying at Donna. He remembered that night that Donna had reached out to him for comfort and how it had shamed her. To hear Dr. Nazi say those words to her now had to sting Donna viciously. He'd heard enough. Donna had heard enough.

"We could have avoided this if you'd just listened to me in the first place. You have no one but yourself to blame for being here. The cutting really surprised me though. I hadn’t even suspected that. Because of it, I’m sorry but I really had no choice but to commit you.” She patted Donna’s shoulder in an attempt to be comforting, even though Donna tried to pull away. "But don’t worry, I can still help you. You’re going to be in therapy for a very, very long time but eventually we’ll find out what’s going on in that head of yours."

Donna began to whimper as she struggled against the reimposed restraints again.

"Well, thankfully, you’re never going to get that chance," Josh said, stepping out of the shadows of the bathroom.

Dr. Todd whipped around at the sound of his voice and took two steps back. "Mr. Lyman. What are you doing here?"

Josh stopped next to the bed, slipped his hand under the blanket and laid his hand over Donna’s. When their hands came together both of them began to calm. Donna’s eyes slid closed, she stopped fighting against the restraints and her whimpers faded into silence. Josh's anger evaporated out of him as he watched Dr. Nazi, who now had just a touch of fear and doubt in her eyes. She really was mean and bitter, he thought. The image of a mosquito came to mind. She'd had her drink of Donna's blood and been an irritation and now he was going to squash her. "As we discussed, because I’m her agent of record I'm entitled to see her," he said, his voice calm and even, but with a deadly edge to it. "But I think a better question might be, DOCTOR Todd, why you found it necessary to put her in restraints and drug her out of her mind?"

"I...she," Dr. Todd faltered. "I made the decision to restrain her because I was concerned she would try to harm herself again by reopening her wound, or removing her I.V. As much as you don't want to face the truth, Mr. Lyman, she's very sick and is a danger to herself."

"And the drugs?" he said, equally calmly, still holding onto Donna's hand. But it was a calm that was reminiscent of the way a shark was calm while it circled around you getting ready to attack.

Dr. Todd took another step back. "She...she was combative when we tried to restrain her. I wanted to keep her as calm as possible to minimize the stress to her already agitated mental state."

"Ahhh, I see, so everything you did, you did for Donna. Yes, I see." He paused and looked down at Donna again. She'd drifted off again. "Well, I guess you and I have very different ideas of what her best interests are. You see, I love her. I'd give my life to protect her. You, on the other hand, only see her as a new bug for your collection. She told me she didn't like you and after hearing the vile things you just said to her I'm not surprised. She said that you were mean. I thought she was just reacting to how difficult therapy can be, especially in the beginning." He paused a moment. "I'll be sure to listen to her better in the future. You know, she even said that you disliked Harley. Told her that being attached to him could be bad. How can you dislike Harley? He makes her smile, how can that be bad?"

"I don't need to justify my therapy methods to you," she said, trying to gain some control over the situation.

"No, I don't suppose you do," he said calmly. "You will, however, have to answer to the review board that I'm sure will be looking into your fitness to practice what you questionably call psychiatry."

"What review board? What are you talking about?"

“The one that I'm sure will convene when I instruct Ms. Moss to sue you and possibly this hospital for gross negligence and malpractice." He leaned casually up against the bed rail. "If nothing else, you can be assured that the IRS and the FBI will be keeping a very close eye on you for the foreseeable future."

A cold finger of fear went down her spine. "What do the IRS and the FBI have to do with anything? What, do you work for one of them or something?" she demanded.

Josh smiled. And it was similar to the smile a shark gave as it finished circling and, opening it's powerful jaws, moved in to strike. It was the smile he normally reserved for irritating Republican Congressmen and Senators whom he knew he had by the balls and he was going to enjoy getting to watch squirm. "No, I don't work for them. You see, I work at the White House. I'm the Deputy Chief of Staff for Strategic Planning. I answer to the Chief of Staff who answers directly to the President of the United States." Even in the low light of the room, Josh could see her visibly pale. "The IRS and the FBI work for ME." 

Just then, a loud metallic click sounded and the door to Donna's room swung open. Stanley, a woman, Josh assumed was Dr. Abbott, and a nurse stepped inside. "Hey, Stanley," Josh said.

"Hey, Josh," Stanley replied, glancing between, Josh, Donna and Dr. Todd, who was doing her best to retain an air of superiority.

Barbara didn't wait for introductions but walked over to side of the bed next to Josh. Setting her black medical bag and what looked like Donna's medical chart on the bed, she opened her bag and pulled out a stethoscope. "How's my patient?" she asked Josh.

"I think something's wrong," he said, moving back out of her way. "Her pupils seem too small and she woke up a little but she seemed really out of it."

"She's my patient," Dr. Todd argued weakly.

"Not any more she's not," Barbara snapped, checking Donna's pupils and her breathing. "And since it appears you've nearly given her an overdose of Valium, I'll be sure to do all I can to see that you don't have any more patients. Ever."

"But you can't..."

"Yes, I can. Now get out of my patient's room." Barbara turned to the nurse, "Nurse, could you please bring me vial of flumazenil and a syringe. Quickly." The nurse nodded and pulled out a key card which she slid into a slot on the inside of the door to unlock it and she hurried out of the room. 

Josh already liked Barbara. He could recognize and admire someone who knew how to kick some ass when it needed kicking.

Before the door could close all the way, Stanley grabbed the knob and held it open. "Dr. Todd?" She nodded mutely. "I believe Dr. Abbott asked you to leave."

"But..."

"NOW!" Barbara snapped. Dr. Todd jumped at the sound of her voice and scurried out. 

"An overdose?" Josh asked, a wave of worry going through him. "Is she...she going to be all right?"

Barbara looped the stethoscope around her neck and looked up at Josh with a reassuring smile. Her voice calm and professional. "It's not quite an overdose. According to her chart she was given 10 mgs which is the maximum recommended dose, but with her decreased pupil size, her slightly depressed respiration and unresponsiveness I have a feeling that she's sensitive to it. The flumazenil will counteract the effects very quickly."

"Is it okay if I remove her restraints?" Josh asked her.

"Restraints?" Barbara said, pulling back the corner of the blanket that Dr. Todd had readjusted after rebuckling the restraints. "Oh, God. Four point restraints? There was no reason for that. Yes, of course, Josh, unbuckle the one over there, Stanley get the two at her ankles, I'll take this one." Once they were unbuckled, she pulled the restraints from the bed and tossed them into the far corner. "God, Stanley are we in the dark ages or what? I hope it doesn't set her back farther."

"Why would it do that?" Josh asked.

Stanley explained. "Studies of victims of sexual assault have been shown that being put in four or five point restraints can cause further psychological trauma by reminding the victim of the assault. Either indirectly by the simple act of being powerless to move or directly due to the spread-eagle position of the body when it's in restraints. It's even more prevalent if the victim is not allowed to wear clothes or when they have to interact intimately, say for the purpose of an examination or for administration of medication or treatment, with a healthcare provider of the same gender as their assailant. For example, a female rape victim whose been institutionalized and is under restraints that has to submit to a pelvic exam performed by a male doctor."

"Oh," was all Josh could think to say about that. Then he had a thought. "God. While she was in emergency, they didn't....."

Barbara looked at him, "No. I checked. They only stitched up her leg and started her medication. But they did hold her down to restrain her while Dr. Todd gave her the injection. I'm hoping that, as is often the case with large doses of valium, she'll have little, if any memory of what happened just before and during the time she's been under the influence of the drug. It’s similar to what happens when they put you under for an operation." She looked at her watch. "I swear that nurse is taking forever, she must be making the flumazenil on a hot plate in the staff kitchen." She looked around the room. "Why do they always make these places so damn gloomy?" Striding over to the window she yanked back the curtains. The window was frosted and thin bars criss-crossed it. "Well, I can't say much for the view but at least there's some light."

Barbara walked back to the bed and leaned over Donna. Her voice kind and gentle, "Donna? Can you hear me? I need you to wake up. You're safe now." Donna moved a bit but didn't actually wake up. The nurse arrived with the medication. "Finally. What took you so long?"

"I'm sorry, Dr. Abbott, I had trouble locating it. We so don't often have a need in the ward to REVERSE sedation," the nurse said, giving her a small vial and a syringe.

"That's no excuse. I suggest you spend some time reacquainting yourself with your drug supply. If her reaction had been stronger, she could have been in respiratory arrest by the time you got back," Barbara replied, her voice calm, but steely.

"I'll be sure to review the medications and their locations, Doctor."

Barbara didn't take the time to answer. She slid the syringe into the upturned vial and drew out some of the medication. "We'll give her 0.2 mg to start. That way, we’ll bring her out in small steps." Clearing air from the syringe, she inserted the needed into the small port on Donna's I.V. and pushed the plunger down. "We should see some improvement in just a few minutes."

Stanley stepped forward, "While we're waiting, Josh, why don't you sign this release form?" He handed Josh a clipboard. 

"Is this what I think it is?" Josh asked, a hopeful gleam in his eye.

"Yeah, it's a the form releasing Donna from the psychiatric ward. Barbara already signed it. As soon as Donna's stabilized, we can take her upstairs to her regular room."

Josh scribbled his name on the form. "But how....when?" He knew it usually took a little time to arrange a regular hospital room.

Barbara looked at him with a little smirk, "I work fast, Josh. Being an M.D. as well as a therapist does have its perks. I have privileges here at GW and on the way in with Stanley, I called ahead and had them arrange a standard hospital room for Donna."

Josh was more and more relieved that Donna was now in this woman's hands. "Thank you, Dr. Abbott."

"Oh, please, call me Barbara."

Donna began to shift a bit in the bed and her eyes fluttered open, "Josh?" she said, her words no longer slurred.

"I'm right here." Josh said, stepping forward to take her hand.

Donna slowly looked around the room, "Hey, Stanley."

"Hey, Donna," Stanley answered with a kind smile from the foot of her bed.

Then Donna's eyes fell on the other occupant in the room. She was about Abbey's age and height with intelligent green eyes and long, sandy brown hair that trailed down her back in a thick braid. She was wearing jeans and a comfortable, loose fitting blouse covered in a soft floral pattern. Small, thin silver bangle bracelets jingled softly on her wrists and she wore matching hoop earrings. "Who are you?" Donna asked.

Barbara smiled. "Hi Donna, I'm Dr. Barbara Abbott. But you just call me Barbara. Okay?"

"Okay," Donna said tiredly. "Stanley told me about you."

"Nothing good I'm sure," Barbara said with a glance and a smirk at Stanley.

"No," Donna said with a tired sigh. "He said you were nice and you like dogs."

Glad to see her patient was doing better, her smile got wider. "I ADORE dogs. If I didn't live in the city I'd have 30 of them. I understand you have a chocolate lab named Harley."

Donna smiled a bit, "Yeah."

"Well, I'm definitely going to want to meet him." 

"Josh? Where is Harley?" Donna asked with a frown.

"He's fine. Sam took him over to the White House. The Secret Service guys are looking after him," he told her. She seemed to relax at that.

"How are you feeling, Donna?" Barbara asked her.

Donna took a moment to answer. "Okay, I guess. My leg hurts a little. Tired. A little sleepy."

"Well, that's to be expected. You were given a little too much valium. But it's okay now," she said, extracting another 0.2 mg of flumazenil from the vial and injecting it into Donna’s I.V.

"What is that?" Donna asked her.

"It's a drug to help counteract the affects of the valium. You were pretty heavily sedated and this medicine helps to reverse that sedation. What's the last thing you remember, Donna?"

Donna looked at Josh for a moment, then back at Barbara. "I...remember being in my apartment. I didn't feel very well. My leg. It hurt...." she trailed off. Realizing what she'd said.

"It's okay, Donna," Josh said, gently. "We know about the cuts on your legs."

She looked at him for a long moment, watching for any signs of anger or disgust or rebuke but all she saw was Josh and the acceptance she always seemed to find there. "Oh."

Barbara didn't want Donna going too far down that road until they could take the time to explore it together. "Do you remember anything else?"

Donna looked back at Barbara. The fog seemed to be slowly lifting from her mind. "I....I got up to go to the bathroom and then....then..." she said with a frown trying to pull up the memory that was just beyond her reach.

"Yes?" Barbara urged, gently. "It's okay, Donna. You can tell us."

"I remember, Dr. Todd. She....they....she had them hold me down and she put something in my I.V." she said, her voice getting shaky. "I don't remember anything else until I woke up a few minutes ago."

"Donna," she said, gently laying her hand on the young woman's shoulder. "You're safe now. No one is going to hurt you."

"Where am I?"

"You're at GW," Josh told her. "I found you unconscious in your apartment and an ambulance brought you here. You have an infection in the cut on your leg. Abbey talked to the emergency room doctor and she said you'll be just fine."

"That's right," Barbara told her. "But the infection was pretty severe so you'll need to say in the hospital a couple of days just so they can make sure it's healing all right." She could see panic come into Donna's eyes. "No, no, Donna. It's all right. Don't worry. We've got a better room for you than this. A regular one with a window you can actually see out of and everything. Josh will be there, right?" They both looked up at Josh.

"Of course, I will. I even had Sam pack Zane for you," he said, giving her hand a gentle squeeze.

"And I thought since you'll probably be bored out of your skull, I'd stop by to keep you company and we can talk and get better acquainted." Barbara told her. "Would that be all right?"

Donna looked at her a moment. Something about her made Donna feel safe. It was a different safe than when she was with Josh. It was more how she felt when she was around Abbey and the President. "I'd like that."

"Good," Barbara said with a smile. "Now, since you're feeling better, I think we'll take you up to your new room. Is that okay?"

"Yes." She didn't like this room. It was bleak to say the least.

"Great. Once we get you settled, I’ll need to steal Josh and Stanley away for a few minutes. Is there someone you'd like to come and sit with you?"

"Sam should be down in the waiting room by now," Josh suggested.

Donna nodded, "Sam would be good."

"Okay," Barbara said with a smile. "I guess that means we're off and running like a herd of turtles. Let's get you out of here." She leaned over and spoke conspiratorially to Donna, "'Cause, just between you and me, this room could use a visit from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy crew."

Donna and Josh looked at each other and smiled. "Or one from Sam," they said, together.

**********

"So let me get this straight. You guys have had her dressing up as someone named 'Sydney' for nearly THREE months?" Barbara asked him, incredulously.

Josh, Barbara, and Stanley were gathered in a small conference room, just down from Donna's new room on the 5th floor, with Leo, the President, Abbey and CJ on speaker phone. They'd gotten Donna settled in her new room and had Sam sitting with her until they were finished with the conference call.

"Well, at the time it was thought it was the best way for Donna to have a normal life until we caught her attacker,” Leo said. “It was either the disguise or locking her up in some kind of safe house."

"A normal life?" Barbara said. "Dressing up as someone else every time you go out of the house does not sound like a 'normal life' to me."

"Josh, why didn't you tell me about Sydney?" Stanley asked him.

"I did.....didn't I?" Josh said.

"No, Josh. You didn’t. You said you'd made it look like she was officially dead. If you had told me you had her playing 'alter ego girl' it would have taken me about 2 seconds to tell you it was bad idea. After a violent crime like sexual assault often patients will change some things in their lives. Move to a new apartment, get a new hair cut, buy new clothes. It gives them choices and a feeling of control over their lives when that control was taken away from them during the assault. But by making her masquerade around as Sydney, you’ve completely supplanted that process. She’s dressing up as Sydney because she’s been told to, not because she chose to. It’s an entirely different thing and subconsciously it adds to the feeling of being powerless.”

"Hey, it wasn't my idea or anything. In fact, at the time, I recall saying I thought it was not that great an idea," Josh replied.

“But she never said anything about it. Never seemed to mind,” Leo replied over the speaker phone.

Stanley answered before Barbara had a chance. “No Leo, she wouldn’t have. She'd do it because it was what was expected of her. She’d do it for you and for the President and for Josh."

"While her needs go unmet," Barbara said.

“She hates it,” Josh said quietly. “I’ve seen it in her eyes when she wears Sydney. Seen it when she even talks about having to put on Sydney.”

Stanley looked at him a minute, "Well, at least one of you has been paying attention."

"I think it’s more than that," Barbara said quietly with a slight frown as a number of thoughts went through her head. “I think the root of the problem may not lie with Sydney or even her assault three months ago. While I’m sure they didn’t help, I think they may have only been the triggers that exposed the real problem."

“And what’s the REAL problem? Josh asked, a bit baffled.

“Josh, getting annoyed with me is not going to help her,” she told him. Then she looked at him squarely. “Anything I say at this point is only a guess. I haven’t talked to her enough yet but I will say that I think the old scars on her legs are a clue to some things that go much deeper and farther back than three months ago. From their appearance, I'd say most of those scars go back to when she was a teenager, maybe younger.”

“But she already told us she got those when she was teenager from running through a sliding glass door and then falling on the glass. Are you saying she’s lying?” Josh asked her, trying not to get mad.

“I'm not saying that at all, Josh.” She paused. “In my book you have to be consciously aware that you’re not telling the truth to be lying. I guessing that when Donna told you that, in her mind, that was exactly how she got them.” 

Barbara put on her small granny style reading glasses on, “Look here,” she said laying out four pictures that had been taken of the top of Donna’s legs. "Oh, sorry guys," she apologized to the people on the speaker phone that couldn't see the pictures. "We're looking at pictures taken of the upper part of Donna's legs. The first two were taken when she’d been in emergency after the assault. The other two were taken when she was admitted today. In today's picture the new cuts are clearly visible in contrast to the old ones. The cuts and patterns are almost identical. There's just not as many."

"What are you trying to say, Barbara?" Abbey asked over the phone.

Barbara looked at Stanley. "What I'm trying to say is...I don't think this is the first time Donna has cut herself. I'm pretty sure this was a behavior that started when she was a teenager and then lapsed until recently. The assault, the resulting stress, and her persona as Sydney likely being what triggered the relapse."

"Why would it have started when she was a teenager? What could have possibly caused her to do it? COULD it have been a past suicide attempt?" Josh asked.

"No, Josh. Unless someone cuts an area like their neck or their wrists or they outrightly stab themselves, rarely is cutting or self-injury a suicide attempt. It's just the opposite actually. It's often a stop gap to suicide. A relief valve for pain and emotions too painful to express otherwise. In some cases it can be a form of self-punishment, but at it’s most basic level it's simply a maladaptive coping mechanism. Self-injurers quite often feel too little or too much and they deal with that by injuring themselves. 

If they feel too little, the physical pain of cutting or injuring themselves gives them at least some kind of feeling when nothing else does and they often report feeling like the act of injuring themselves reminds them they’re alive when they otherwise feel depersonalized, numb or detached. 

For those that feel too much, as the intense feelings build they can’t cope with the overload and by causing physical pain they reduce the level of emotional pain. It can also be a case where they’re afraid to express that huge well of pain outwardly so they injure themselves as a way of venting those feelings.”

“Sounds a lot like what I did by putting my hand through a window,” Josh replied softly. “Everything was so overwhelming I just couldn’t deal with it.”

“It’s not that much different, Josh,” Stanley replied. “Except for you it was more of a one-time thing with the window, brought on by your PTSD. Self-injurers will often pick-up the behavior in puberty when adult coping mechanisms are beginning to develop and it can go undetected for years. But it can also be situational where certain situations and times in a self-injurer’s life can trigger it.”

“In other words, they keep it for the big stuff,” Josh remarked.

Stanley sighed, “Yeah, okay. Although I wouldn’t exactly put it that way in my next lecture.”

“But this is a pretty isolated problem though, isn’t it?” the President asked.

“No, sir, not as much as you might think,” Barbara said. “It’s estimated that self-injurers account for almost 1 percent of the population of the U.S.”

“But that’s over 2 million people you’re talking about,” Jed said, stunned.

“Yes, sir,” Barbara replied. “And a higher proportion of females, rather than males, engage in this kind of behavior. 90% of self-injurers report that they were discouraged from expressing emotions, particularly anger and sadness when they were young. Which is why it’s thought females are more likely to develop the behavior because they’re taught to not be aggressive or to show anger or aggression, which are typically seen as male traits. And most staggering of all, nearly 50% of self-injurers report being sexually abused as children.” Barbara stopped to let that sink in.

“Barbara are you saying what I think you’re saying?” Josh asked, hoping he was wrong.

“Yes. Josh. Although it’s only a theory, I have a hunch that Donna was sexually abused as a child or teenager.”

TBC


	6. Broken Glass: Chapters 26-30

Chapter 26 - MATURE

Josh sat in the visitor’s chair and watched Donna sleeping quietly. She'd fallen asleep while they'd been having their conference call. Sam said she'd drifted right off in the middle of his story about closing up his law office in California. So, Sam, being Sam, spent the rest of his time with her unpacking the suitcase he'd brought for her. Josh decided to cut him a break and not tell Toby about the unpacking, since there was little doubt in his mind that Toby would only seize it as another opportunity to harass Sam.

Barbara and Stanley had left about an hour ago and Barbara asked him to tell Donna that she’d be by in the morning for a visit. She’d also told him that Donna might sleep a lot for the next 12 hours because the valium would take longer to completely work its way out of her body than the flumazenil. A nurse was scheduled to come in about once an hour and check to make sure Donna wasn’t having any lingering difficulties.

Zane was tucked securely in the crook of her arm and she looked young and innocent as she slept. He took a moment and tried to picture her as a child. The image came back looking even more innocent. ‘How could someone hurt her as a child?’ he wondered. He just couldn’t come up with an answer. It was as inconceivable as someone wanting to hurt her like they had three months ago.

Despite the fact they’d all heard Barbara’s theory about Donna’s possible childhood trauma and its connection to her recent difficulties, they’d unanimously decided that it would be best if they didn’t tell Donna what they suspected. If she had been abused, she needed to come to grips with it and the present consequences in her own time and with Barbara’s help.

However, there were some other topics that did need to be discussed. Sydney, for one, and the relationship between Sydney and Donna, and going back to work for another. They were caught in kind of a catch-22 with the situation. Barbara and Stanley had both agreed, without much argument from anyone else, that asking Donna to continue to be Sydney could be a potentially large roadblock to her recovery and that Josh and the others shouldn't ask her to keep doing it. 

But, and it was a big but, if she didn't continue her persona of Sydney, it opened up a whole new set of problems. Would she go back to work at the White House as herself? If so, they'd have to come clean about the whole "the reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated" thing. There would most likely be a media frenzy surrounding her "resurrection," which wouldn't be good for her recovery either. Not to mention that fact that it would mean her attacker would know she was alive which would likely put her life in danger.

About her only other option was to be herself but keep a low profile and pray she stayed under everyone's radar. Which meant basically staying in her apartment and only going out when she had at least a hat on her head or was wearing some other kind of bare bones version of a disguise to keep from being recognized. That idea could also be taken one step further and the FBI could place her in protective custody in some kind of safe house until the DC Strangler was caught. Hopefully it wouldn't be long before the FBI and the DC police caught him.

Of course, given their track record on the case so far, that was a big leap. Josh had even called Mike Casper and admittedly vented some of his frustration. He'd demanded to know why the FBI and the DC Police hadn't caught the guy. Mike, knowing how close to home this situation was for Josh, had accepted all of his harsh words and then calmly explained the problem. 

Although the strangler had left plenty of DNA and fingerprints at each of the scenes, enough that were he to be caught, would easily lock him in a cage forever, no matching information apparently existed in any database they'd checked. Which meant that either he was new at this or he'd just never been caught before and had never held a job where fingerprints or a DNA sample were required as part of his employment records. Aside from the fingerprints and the DNA there also hadn't been much other physical evidence left at the crime scenes. Donna had been the only survivor and because he struck in the middle of the night, there'd been virtually no witnesses who'd apparently been around to see him come or go. 

The FBI profilers had put together a preliminary work-up on the strangler. They felt he was single, a bit of a loner, Caucasian, probably between 25-45, strong, at least in his hands as it took a certain amount of strength to strangle someone barehanded, emotionally stunted, his apparent patience and organized planning of each crime led them to believe he was probably highly intelligent, and they were almost certain that he had once had a strong female influence in his life that had ultimately turned out badly.

They also theorized that given the way he had changed from the gun to strangulation and then unintentionally failed to completely strangled her, in essence perfecting his technique, he'd probably started his rampage with Donna.

The FBI and the DC police had also looked at the victims themselves to see if they provided any clues to the killer’s identity. Except for being blonde, similar in age and overall body type, single, and having no pets, the links between them were hard to come by. They had a variety of jobs, lived in two different neighborhoods, were all in different financial situations, shopped at different stores, had their hair done at different places, drove different cars; in fact, some didn't have cars at all, and ate at different restaurants.

Mike finished by telling Josh that the strangler had been smart and lucky, but brains would only get him so far and since he was getting bolder with each crime, his luck would eventually run out.

Josh hadn’t been able to stop the words that had spilled quietly from his mouth. “But how many women are going to have to die and how ruined is Donna’s life going to be before it does?” Mike hadn’t had an answer for that.

Donna stirred slowly in the bed, snapping him back to the present. “Josh?” she said, her voice just above a sleepy whisper.

He smiled, glad to see her eyes were a little sleepy, but focused and aware. “Hi, sleepyhead.”

Donna pressed the button on the bed and raised the head into a halfway sitting position. “I feel like I’ve been asleep forever. What time is it?” she asked a little tiredly as she tried to shift herself into a comfortable spot. As she moved her leg, she winced a bit at the mildly stinging pain that went through it.

Josh stood and moved to her side. “You okay?”

Donna took a breath and nodded. “My leg hurts a little,” she said without thinking. Looking up at Josh, she wondered what he would say at that.

He only looked down at her, his eyes soft and earnest, “Between the infection and the stitches they put in to close the cut, Abbey and Barbara both said it would be sore for a day or two.”

“Stitches?” she asked.

“Yeah, about 20 apparently. The ER doctor said they thought the infection and the cut would heal faster if they stitched it.”

“Oh,” she said, not knowing what to say next. She supposed she owed him some kind of explanation. But how did you tell someone why you cut yourself on purpose when you didn’t fully understand it yourself? Except to say that you were ashamed it had happened? That you were so screwed up that couldn’t stop yourself? That you weren’t the strong and dependable person they knew and relied on? She lowered her head, her heart heavy. “Josh, I....,” she trailed off, struggling for the words. “I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t excuse what happened but......”

“Donna?” She looked up at him and he could see the pain and insecurity clearly in her eyes. He reached out and took her hand, “It’s okay, Donna. We’ll work on it. All of it. Barbara’s going to help you, I know she is. By the way, she’s going to come by tomorrow and visit you.” He smiled. “You should have seen the way she chewed Dr. Nazi a new one. That alone would have made you like her,” he said, then sobered. “And I’m going to be there for you every step of the way. You don’t have to do it alone. I won’t let you do it alone. Just promise me you’ll remember that there’s nothing so bad you can’t tell me.”

Donna looked at the man standing next to her. The amazing, frustrating, passionate, brilliant, loyal, driven, funny, arrogant, perfectly flawed man who’d become such an elemental part of her life. When most men would have thrown up their hands in frustration with her, he was standing here telling her he wasn’t going anywhere. What had she ever done in her life to deserve him as a friend? “I promise to remember that,” she whispered with deep earnestness. They looked at each other a moment, acceptance and deep friendship passing between them. Then a little frown appeared on her face, “Dr. Nazi?”

He grinned at that, “Oh, that. Just a little nickname I picked out for your favorite therapist, Dr. Todd. She was acting like a Nazi in the ER earlier.”

Donna smirked ever so slightly at that, “It suits her.”

**********

Back in Bethesda, Barbara unlocked the door and stepped inside. Closing the door behind her, she walked through her comfortably cluttered office to her large desk. She pulled the file Stanley had given her on Donna’s case out of her bag and laid it on the desk. Moving to a small cabinet, she pulled out a clean mug and filled it with hot water from the spout on the water cooler. Dropping a tea bag into the water she sat down at her desk and opened the file.

‘Poor thing,’ she thought, slipping on her glasses and sipping on her tea as she read through the file. From the police report and photos that Stanley had gotten from Josh, the assault three months ago had been brutal. She’d counseled a lot of trauma victims, including rape and sexual assault victims, so she’d heard and seen a lot but Donna’s case was one of the worst in her memory, especially given the fact that she’d lived through her attack. Well, that showed that she had a strong will to live and she was a survivor. Both of which would help her recovery. 

According to the file, because of her head injury, she had almost no memory of the assault. That could be good and bad. Good for the obvious reason that she didn’t have direct knowledge of what had been done to her. No memories to fight with. But, and it could be a significant but, the mind had an odd way of sometimes unconsciously filling in the blanks with feelings and emotions that were just as bad as the real thing. Every shadow blossomed with sinister intent because the unseen attacker could be lurking there. Every stranger took on certain threatening air simply because the mind wondered if they could be the faceless attacker. 

Plus Donna still had to live with the ‘idea’ of what had happened to her and what her body and her life had gone through in the aftermath. Barbara imagined it must have been very disorienting and disconcerting. Part of recovery involved taking control of what had happened to you rather than letting it control you. It was pretty hard to control what you couldn’t remember. There was just no predicting how Donna’s mind was processing what had happened until Barbara had a chance to talk to her.

Sitting back in her chair, she thought for a few minutes. There was no doubt in her mind that she could help Donna overcome the trauma of the assault but Barbara’s real concerns were focused on the cutting and the scars on her legs. She wondered if parallel things were at work. If the cutting was an old behavior from Donna’s possible abuse as a child that showed up now, in the aftermath of the sexual assault, could the events of her youth be returning to fill in her current memory blanks? Since Donna had most likely repressed the memory of the childhood abuse, could it now be finding expression in the fear and impact of the assault from 3 months ago? Again there just wasn’t much of a way to know the answer right now. The answers were locked inside Donna. Barbara’s fondest hope was that she could give Donna the help she needed to unlock them.

Barbara leaned forward again and made a few notes to herself along those same lines. Depending on how things went with Donna, Barbara could use them as guides during their sessions. Lines to follow. Threads to tug. Avenues to explore.

Leafing through the folder she came across some of Donna’s basic information. Among it was a contact number for Donna’s parents. Barbara considered for a moment if speaking to Donna’s parents as background would help her get a better picture of what had happened in her childhood. It was a common practice in cases like Donna’s for the therapist to speak to the friends and family of a patient, at least in the beginning, to get a sense of their state of mind and recent behavior. But she’d have to tread carefully. If Donna had been abused when she was a child, there was a very real possibility that one or both of her parents had been involved in some way. She already knew from Josh that Donna’s parents had been told the truth about her ‘death’ and that they’d been more concerned about how her death would look to their friends and in their community than they had about the fact that their daughter had almost been murdered.

Glancing at the clock, she saw it was about 4, which meant it was 3 in Wisconsin. Picking up the phone, Barbara dialed the number. The phone rang twice before someone picked up. “Hello?”

“Yes, is this Mrs. Moss, Mrs. Brenda Moss?”

“Yes, who am I speaking to?” the no-nonsense voice inquired.

“Mrs. Moss, my name is Dr. Abbott. I’m treating your daughter at the moment.” There was a long pause and Barbara wondered if Brenda was going to answer. 

“Treating her for what?” A note of cautious suspicion had entered her voice.

“She had a cut on her leg that got infected and I’m the doctor treating her.” ‘Well,’ she reasoned. ‘That’s true.’

“What does that have to do with me?”

Hmm. Most mothers would have been asking if their daughter was all right. “Actually the cut I’m treating is not why I’m calling. The cut is right near a large group of scars that are also on both her legs, her thighs to be exact.”

“Oh, those,” Brenda Moss said matter-of-factly. “What about them?”

“Donna couldn’t seem to remember how she got them.”

“You mean she didn’t tell you the sliding glass door story? I thought that’s what she told everyone.”

“The sliding glass door story?” Barbara asked, as if she didn’t already know it.

“She used to tell anyone who found out about the scars that she’d run through a sliding glass door when she was a kid and then fallen on the glass or something.”

“Oh, see. But that’s not how she got them?”

“No, of course not,” Brenda replied. “She got them by cutting herself with a kitchen knife.” 

Barbara was a little surprised there wasn’t even a hint of concern when Brenda had said it. Instead it was almost....annoyance. “Oh. Was she ever treated by a doctor for the cuts? Or by a therapist for the reason she’d cut herself?”

Brenda chuckled, “Are you kidding? The cuts weren’t that bad and there weren’t that many. I saw to it that she took care of them herself. I always taught her it was important to be self-reliant because if you don’t look out for yourself, no one is going to do it for you. And I didn’t need to a psychiatrist or therapist to tell me why she did it. I knew why.”

Barbara pulled out the pictures of Donna’s scars, the old ones. She’d counted 10 on her left leg and 15 on her right. Brenda either had a strange idea of what constituted “that many” or she didn’t know the extent of Donna’s cutting. Barbara sensed it was probably the latter. “Do you mind if I ask you why you think she did it?” ‘This should be good,’ Barbara thought.

Brenda didn’t apparently think it was strange that Barbara was asking her these questions. “The same reason she did everything. To get attention. Donnatella was always big on attention. She even used to make up the wildest stories and tell them to anyone who’d listen. She made up some whoppers about a summer she spent at her aunt and uncle’s farm in Iowa. Donna and the truth have always had an interesting relationship. I used to tell her, ‘Donnatella, if you keep telling these lies no one is ever going to believe you.’” Brenda paused. “I used to punish her left and right but she has a stubborn streak in her a mile wide.”

Barbara jotted down a note about Brenda comment about the summer at the farm. It was probably nothing but she wanted to remember it just in case. “What kind of punishment did you use?” Barbara said carefully. 

Brenda laughed again, but it had a hard edge to it this time, “Well, by the time she was 3, spanking just wasn’t enough so I gave her my own version of a time out.”

Barbara knew that she was absolutely not going to like the answer but she needed to ask. She kept her voice level and curious. “What do you mean by your own version of a time out?

“Well, see, sending her to her room didn’t do any good. I wanted her to really think about what she’d done and if I sent her to her room, she always found something to play with or distract herself with. So I had this linen closet in our old condo and I locked her in there so she’d have plenty of time to think about what she’d done without any distractions.”

Barbara took a slow, quiet breath, “Is that how you punished her when you found out about her cutting herself?”

“You better believe it,” Brenda said, a note of pride in her voice. “And it worked too. By the time she was 13, she’d stopped her foolishness with the knife and she finally started knowing how to act properly.”

‘No,’ Barbara thought. ‘She’d just learned how to hide things better.’ She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts. “Well, Mrs. Moss, thank you for the information. I have some patients I have to see so I need to be going.” She’d heard about all she needed or wanted to.

“Glad I could be of help. Dr. Abbott, I don’t want you to think Donnatella is a bad girl. She’s really not. I don’t think she can help herself when it comes to the lying. She just seems to get herself into situations and then she has to lie her way out of them. And I think her need for attention came from the fact that my husband’s parents spoiled her rotten.”

Barbara made another note in Donna’s file, this one about her grandparents. “Thank you for your time, Mrs. Moss.” With that, she hung up the phone and tossing her glasses on the desk, she rubbed her hands over her face.

A picture began to emerge in Barbara’s mind. For some reason, Donna had been crying out for help, not attention, and because that had been ignored or missed, she’d ended up somehow picking up the cutting as a method of dealing with whatever pain she’d been carrying around. Then when the cutting had been revealed, her mother hadn’t sought help for Donna. She’d made her tend her own wounds and locked her in a closet. And now, 22 years later, she’d been brutalized by a new monster. Barbara’s heart broke for the child and ached for the woman the child had become.

Every single thing Donna’s mother had just told her contradicted what she’d seen in the hospital today and virtually everything that everyone, including Stanley, had said about Donna. They’d all described Donna as well-adjusted, loving, quirky, honest, dedicated, loyal, and kind. It often amazed Barbara how one child could come out of an abusive, neglectful home, broken and ready to pass on the legacy of anger and fear to society and to the next generation and yet another child could come out of a similar situation for the most part whole and with an overwhelming aversion to the horrors of their past. It was those children who were a testament to the resiliency of the human mind and spirit. From everything she’d seen and heard about Donna, she fell into the latter category.

And it made Barbara more determined than ever to help her.

**********

The next morning Donna sat in her hospital bed, flipping through TV channels. It was almost 10 and there really wasn’t anything on worth watching. She settled on Headline News and laid back in bed, trying to get comfortable. Between her leg and her I.V., it wasn’t very easy.

Not wanting to risk putting any undue pressure on her leg by accidentally rolling over it in the night, Josh had spent the night in the room’s second bed. Thankfully they’d both made it through the night without nightmares or other incidents. Donna attributed it to the residual valium in her system. They’d shared a quick breakfast, consisting of toast and coffee that he’d managed to procure from the cafeteria to save her from the breakfast tray they would have eventually brought her. It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate the effort that went into putting together breakfast tray, but she just didn’t think that eggs, scrambled or otherwise, should smell like feet. After breakfast, Josh had gone home to shower and change before heading back to the White House and morning senior staff. On his way out the door, Josh had promised to bring her something special for lunch.

Donna was just considering how she was going to keep from going stir crazy until Josh came by with lunch when there was a knock at the door. She knew there was a plain-clothes Secret Service agent stationed outside her door to keep out anyone who might wander by, so if someone was knocking at her closed door, it must be someone that was supposed to be there. “Come in,” she called.

The door swung open and Barbara poked her head in. “Hi, Donna. You up for some company?”

“Hey, Barbara. Sure,” she said, flipping off the TV and trying to smile but failing. She had no illusions about the fact this ‘visit’ was basically going to be therapy. And after the way things had gone with Dr. Todd and the last time she’d tried therapy, she was apprehensive to say the least. But after Barbara had probably saved her life and her sanity yesterday, Donna felt that she could at least give therapy another try. Plus there was that whole “I want to be normal again” thing. If Barbara could help her with that, then it would all be worth it. Not to mention the fact that she’d promised Josh.

Barbara closed the door to Donna’s room behind her and pulling a chair up by the bed, set her large tote bag on it. “Well, how are you feeling today, Donna?”

“Okay. I’m okay.”

Barbara smiled at her. “Donna, my dear, I have to tell you, that wasn’t very convincing. Why don’t you take another crack at it and tell me how you’re really feeling.”

Donna sighed a bit. “Well, before you came I was feeling pretty bored. But now that your here I’m feeling pretty nervous.”

“Well, bored I can understand. Hospitals are not big on stimulation. Gives you incentive to go home that much sooner. That and being able to sleep through the night without someone coming in to prod you to take medication or to take your temperature or take your blood. The time or two I’ve been a patient in a hospital I hardly slept a wink.” She paused a second. “But why are you nervous? I didn’t even wear my intimidating clothes or anything,” she said taking a step back so Donna could get a look at what she was wearing. Well-worn jeans, red high-top sneakers, a white turtleneck, and a navy blue sweatshirt bearing the logo for Stanford University in California. “See?”

‘Well, she has a point there,’ Donna thought. Her outfit was about as far from threatening as you could get. “I guess I’m just nervous about having someone poking around inside my head,” Donna replied.

“Oh, wait,” Barbara said. “Don’t tell me...” she began rummaging around in her tote bag. “Well, it’s not here,” she said, snapping her fingers and looking at Donna in dismay.

“What?”

“My head-poking stick. I must have left it in the car,” she teased. “Donna, look, I’m not going to ‘poke around in your head.’ We’re just going to talk. I can’t make you tell me what you don’t want to tell me. But I am a good listener and I’m good at putting puzzles together and right now it sounds like you need help with some personal puzzles. So what do you say? Wanna talk?”

Donna looked at her a moment. So far this therapy was going very differently than her session with Dr. Todd. “Okay.” Then she smirked slightly, “You have intimidating clothes?

Pleased to see they’d managed their first hurdle, Barbara grinned, “Oh, honey, please. I’ve got outfits that make grown men cry for their mothers. I’ve got this one red suit that I wear when I have to give a lecture to groups of mostly male, egomaniac doctors. Gets them every time. Don’t you have any outfits that you wear because not only do they make you feel confident but people seem to give you just a little more respect when you wear them?”

Donna thought for a minute, “Well, now that you mention it, I do have this plum colored suit that I have when I want to make a good impression.”

“Plum, yes! Anything with a good cut and a strong color usually fits the bill.” She paused for a minute. “Now, why don’t we get acquainted? Hmmm? I may not have my head-poking stick but I do have something better,” She reached into her bag and pulled out a square plastic container which she set on the bed table. “Homemade cookies,” she said pulling off the lid. “Chocolate chip or peanut butter. I wasn’t sure which ones you’d like best so I brought both and what’s better with cookies.....” she reached in again and pulled out a large thermos, a box of assorted tea bags and two mugs. “Than tea?” she said, setting everything next to the cookies. “Tea and cookies, either I’m English or I’ve never grown out of that tea party phase I went through when I was 6.”

Donna’s mouth watered at the idea of the cookies and some fragrant hot tea. Barbara poured them both a mug of steaming hot water. Donna dropped a tea bag into the water and selected a chocolate chip cookie. Taking a bite, the treat nearly melted in her mouth. “Oh, Barbara these are amazing. When do you have time to bake?”

Barbara put a tea bag in her mug, pulled a small pad out and then set her bag on the floor by the chair. “Well, I have a confession. I didn’t make them.”

“But you said they were homemade.”

“Ah, yes, but I didn’t say whose home made them. Actually there is the sweetest little old lady in my building and all she likes to do it bake. She can’t get out much though so she has me keep her stocked with ingredients and she keeps me stocked with baked goods. All in all it’s a very co-dependent relationship,” she said with a smile as she sat down in the chair.

“So,” she said, taking a sip of her tea. “Here’s a little bit about me.” Picking up a peanut butter cookie she took a bite. “I grew up in California, in the Bay area. I went to Stanford University,” she said, pointing to her sweatshirt with her cookie. “I did my undergrad, my pre-med, and my M.D. there. Then I moved on to Johns Hopkins University Hospital. That worked for a while but I felt like I wanted a new challenge so I went back to school at Johns Hopkins and got my Ph.D. in psychology and have been doing that ever since.”

“How long’s that?” Donna asked, taking a sip of her tea.

“About 10 years. Although I’m still licensed to practice medicine and I have hospital privileges at GW and Johns Hopkins, I rarely use my medical degree when it’s not in conjunction with one of my therapy patients.”

“How do you know Stanley?” Donna asked.

“A number of years ago I started working with the American Trauma Victims Association and I met Stanley through that.”

Donna felt herself beginning to really trust this woman. She fiddled with a corner of her cookie, “Do you really think you can help me?” she asked her quietly.

Barbara watched her, “Donna, I’m not going to lie to you. You seem like a person who values honesty.” That was her truthful opinion and she didn’t care what Brenda Moss claimed. “Just like with a regular medical doctor who has a patient that’s in pain, I’m going to ask questions and we’re going to have to do some tests and exploration. Some of the time the questions and the tests and the cure can hurt almost as much as the original illness. But to coin one of Stanley’s favorite phrases, “we get better.” And I honestly think that I can help you. But to do that, I’m going to need you to be honest with me. Like any doctor, everything you say to me is confidential. No one but you and me will know what we talk about. Okay?”

Donna looked at her for a moment. “Okay,” she replied with a nod. “How often do you think we’ll need to meet?”

“Well, Donna, see, I’m a little unconventional when it comes to sessions. It’s just how I work. I’m about the least rigid person you’ll ever meet. I don’t believe in one-hour, neat little sessions. It takes as long as it takes. Which is why I restrict myself to having only a certain number of active patients at any one time and when I schedule appointments I set aside at least a three-hour block. It might not take that long but I’ve found it’s better to have extra time, instead of shoving the patient out the door when they’re not ready because their hour is up and the next patient is waiting. 

In fact, and you can even ask Stanley about this, there’s a trend in therapy, especially trauma therapy, right now to get away from structured, long-term therapy sessions. Each person has different needs. Some take small amounts of therapy to sort of get them on the right track and then follow-up visits as needed if a problem or crisis arises. Then others do benefit from a more structured, long-term approach. It really just depends on the needs of the individual.”

Donna remember Josh’s all day session with Stanley on Christmas Eve Day. “And where do you think I fall?” Donna asked her.

“Well, I’m just getting to know you and what your needs are but for right now I thought we’d start with three times this week, then maybe twice a week for the next two weeks and then we’ll see how you’re doing. But that’s not set in stone. It will all depend on how we both feel you’re doing. How does that sound?”

Donna looked at her for a minute, “Do-able.”

Barbara smiled. “Good, now have another cookie and tell me about yourself.”

Donna smiled and pulled out a peanut butter cookie. “Well, I grew up in Wisconsin, which is where my parents still live. I went to the University of Wisconsin but I dropped out after two years. Then I decided I needed a change and when I saw the President, oh, he was the Governor of New Hampshire back then, give a speech, I packed up my car and drove to Nashua. I joined the campaign by hiring myself as Josh’s assistant. That was nearly 7 year ago and I came to DC after the President won the election to work in the White House as Josh’s senior assistant.”

Barbara made a note about the fact that Donna had largely skipped over her childhood in Wisconsin but they’d be getting to that soon enough so she decided not to comment on it right then. “Why’d you drop out of college?”

“To support my deadbeat boyfriend.”

Barbara looked at her for a beat, “Older than you?” Donna nodded. “Doctor or lawyer?” she asked.

Donna remembered Josh asking her the same exact question when he’d hired her, “Doctor. Josh calls him ‘Dr. Freeride.’”

Barbara had just taken a drink of tea and nearly snorted it out her nose. “Okay, Donna,” she said, coughing a bit. “You need to tell me when you’re going to say things like that.” She chuckled. “Dr. Freeride, huh? That’s a good one.”

“Yeah,” Donna said with a bit of smile. “Although when he first said it, I didn’t think it was so funny. I felt pretty stupid.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, I saw a lot of it when I was in med school and during my residency. You weren’t the first and you won’t be the last. Did you love him?”

Donna looked at her for a minute, “You know, at the time I thought I did.”

“And now?”

Donna realized that her mind had almost automatically turned to Josh. As if he was the yard stick by which the history of her love life should be measured. But why would that be? She didn’t love him like that anymore....did she? “And now.....now I guess I realize that I didn’t know much about love then. It was more like I trying to prove I loved him. Trying to prove my worth to him or something. Trying to be valuable I guess.....” she trailed off. The realization hit her then. 

Barbara saw the slightly shocked look on her face, “Donna? What is it, dear?”

Donna laid her head back against the pillow. “That’s just what I said to Josh the day I met him. I said he might find me valuable.” She looked at Barbara. “What does that mean?”

“At the risk of sounding like a therapist, what do you think it means?”

Donna looked at her for a moment, “I guess it means I try hard to convince others that I’m valuable.”

“Why do you suppose that is?” Barbara asked her.

“I guess it’s because...because...I haven’t always felt that way,” Donna finished, very, very softly.

Although she already knew the answer she asked anyway, “Donna, who made you feel like weren’t valuable?”

Donna thought of her parents, her mother especially. “I....can’t we talk about something else?”

“Why?” Barbara asked gently.

“Because I don’t want to lie to you and I don’t want to tell you what I’m thinking,” she said.

“Well, I appreciate you not wanting to lie to me, Donna. But don’t you think you’ll feel better if you tell me what you’re thinking?”

“No, I’ll just feel guilty,” Donna replied.

“Guilty? Why?”

“Because...because she’s.....” Despite her efforts to hold it in, the word still slid from between her lips. “My mother.”

Barbara stood up, “Donna, take a breath. It’s okay. No one’s going to hurt you or judge you or say you’re wrong or....that you’re lying.”

Donna’s head snapped up to look at her, “How...how did you know?”

Barbara sighed a little. She hadn’t planned to tell Donna because she was afraid that Donna would not appreciate her doing it, but now she felt like she had no choice. “Okay, Donna. Now, it’s my turn not to lie to you. As background for our visit today, I called your mother and talked to her.” Barbara cursed herself silently as she saw the pain and withdrawal in Donna’s eyes and in her posture.

Donna remembered Stanley talking to all of them before he met with Josh at Christmas, but it didn’t matter. The feeling of betrayal cut deeply through her. “I think you better go now,” Donna said quietly, pulling the sheets up higher and turning her face away from Barbara. “I’m tired.”

“Donna?” Barbara said, very quietly. “Aren’t you going to let me finish?” Donna didn’t respond but Barbara went ahead anyway. “Did you think that I was going to believe her instead of you? I don’t. Everyone else I’ve talked to, Stanley, Sam, CJ, Leo, the President and the First Lady, and especially Josh, all said the exact opposite of what she said. But even if they hadn’t, I’d still believe you. You’ve given me no reason not to.”

“Did she tell you about the closet?” Donna said, without moving or looking at Barbara.

“Yes, she did.”

“She’d lock me in there for hours,” Donna said quietly.

“I can’t even imagine how terrible it was for you.”

“I’m not a liar.” A tear, the first her eyes had felt in a very long time, trailed out of her eye and into her hair. “I mean I’m no saint. I’ve told lies like anyone else, especially since the attack, but she seemed to think everything out of my mouth was a lie.”

“I know she did.”

Donna finally looked at Barbara, “Why couldn’t she believe me?

“I don’t know, Donna. I don’t have answer for you.”

The silent tears began to run in earnest. “Why does she hate me?”

“Oh, Donna,” Barbara said, laying her hand gently over Donna’s. “I don’t think she hates you. I think she’s just angry and self-absorbed and she just doesn’t understand you. And that’s her loss,” she gave Donna’s hand a squeeze. “Because from what all your friends say you’re intelligent and kind and funny and loyal and brave. They all love you very much. If you remember anything I tell you, remember that you ARE valuable and worthy and loved by those around you.”

TBC

*********  
Chapter 27 - MATURE

“Josh, I’m fine. Really. Go to work already,” Donna told him. She’d had a rough night and he   
was hovering and generally getting on her nerves. Her first session with Barbara yesterday had apparently opened the flood gates for all kinds of things. In addition to her crying jag with Barbara, Donna had a nightmare about the barn again last night. Thankfully, Josh had woken her up before she’d started screaming and woken up the whole hospital. Of course, as usual, she’d been violently ill and while she’d managed to get to the bathroom in time, she’d pulled her i.v. out and Josh had managed to call a nurse to put it back in before nearly passing out from seeing the blood. It had been a fun night all the way around.

Josh, who was sitting on the other bed, looked up from the briefing memo he was reading. “I know you are,” he replied, then looked at his watch. “I’ve got a few more minutes.”

“Knock, knock,” came a voice from the doorway.

“Barbara?” Donna said in surprise. “What are you doing here?” She looked at Josh, who had quietly started packing up his things. “Did he call you?” 

“Hey, Barbara. Yeah, I called her,” Josh said, slipping into his coat. “You can be mad at me if you want but I care about you and I’m worried about you and I want you to talk to her about it.”

“Fine, whatever. Don’t you have a country to run or something?” she snarled at him.

Josh lifted his bag over his shoulder. He tried not to let her angry words stab at him. “Yeah.” Quietly, his shoulders slumped, he shuffled from the room.

“Bye, Josh,” Barbara said as he left the room.

“He shouldn’t have called you. You were supposed to come tomorrow, not today. He has no sense of order.”

“Well, hello Mary Sunshine, I’m happy to see you’re in such a good mood this morning.”

“I’m fine,” Donna said, her arms folded across her chest. The hand with her new i.v. in it was on top.

Barbara looked at her for a moment. “Well, dear, your mood and the hand you tore your i.v. out of last night would seem to contradict you.”

“Yeah, what you’re really saying is that my mood and my hand tell you I’m LYING,” Donna replied angrily.

“Wow, you are spoiling for a fight.”

Donna ran a hand roughly through her hair in frustration. “I am not!” she insisted. “I just had a rough night!”

“So I gather. If I looked up “got up on the wrong side of the bed, I’d find a picture of you.”

“He shouldn’t have called you!” she insisted. She’d hoped to kick Josh out so she could have some time to herself and find some outlet for the anger that was burning away inside her, not find herself saddled with her therapist.

Barbara could see Donna’s anger bubbling right under the surface. “He was just concerned about you.”

“I don’t care! I’m fine and all he can do is stick his nose in my business!”

“Donna,” Barbara kept her voice calm and neutral as she felt Donna’s emotions escalate. “You know that’s not true.”

“He cares too damn much. He thinks he can save the world. He thinks he can save ME!” The angry tide rose in her again, powerful and consuming. “He’d be better off if he didn’t care so much. He wouldn’t have to see me having nutties all the time!”

Everything, including Barbara seemed to slide away as the anger took over. Ripping her pillows off the bed she heaved them across the room. Zane followed right behind them. Then her eyes fell on the breakfast tray in front of her and she was about to heave it onto the floor when she saw the silverware. There was no knife but there was a shiny, pointy fork. Snatching it off the tray and pulling back the sheet in one motion she moved to drag the fork across her leg. But her hand met resistance in the form of Barbara’s hand firmly holding her wrist.

“DONNA! Look at me!” her voice commanded. Dazed, Donna looked up at her. “What are you doing?” Barbara asked her, her voice soft this time. 

Donna looked down at the fork in her hand and then back at Barbara, “I....I don’t know.” The anger was gone and she once again felt empty.

“Put the fork back on the tray, Donna.” Barbara watched as she complied meekly. Barbara picked up the tray and took it back out into the corridor where she put it back on the cart it had arrived in. Taking a deep breath she went back into the room where she found Donna out of bed with her i.v. stand, picking up the pillows and Zane from the far corner of the room. Barbara helped her get back into bed.

“Is that what happens when you cut yourself, Donna?” Barbara asked her.

Donna looked at her a minute and then nodded. “Yes. Maybe not quite that bad, but yes.”

“Where were you? It was a little like you checked out on me. Can you tell me what was going through your mind? What you were thinking?” Barbara asked gently.

“Well, that’s just it,” Donna replied. “I wasn’t thinking. It was just anger. Rage with nowhere to go. I think....I think it’s been simmering since last night. I had that stupid nightmare and then I got sick and I pulled my i.v. out and Josh had to deal with all of it and he almost passed out because he has this thing about blood.”

“Why would that make you mad?”

“Because I embarrassed myself and Josh,” Donna replied.

Barbara frowned, “And how did you do that exactly?”

“Everyone had to make a fuss over me. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.”

“Is that how you feel? Like a burden?”

Donna shrugged, “I guess. I mean everyone’s had to make allowances for me since the thing. They had to go to the trouble of a fake funeral. President and Mrs. Bartlet had to make space for me in the Residence. Josh and CJ had to get me a new apartment and then they had to move all my old stuff. The staff at work had to pretend that Sydney wasn’t me. I threw myself at Josh. I had a nutty in the Oval Office. I got an infection after cutting myself. You and Josh had to rescue me from the psycho ward and Dr. Nazi. And last night I had to have another damn nightmare. All told that sounds like I’m being a pretty big fucking burden.” 

Barbara had been taking shorthand notes of each thing she’d said. Hearing the rising tide of anger in Donna’s voice again she set her pad aside, “Donna, you’re getting angry again. You’re letting it control you. You need to control it. I want you to try something. Lie back and close your eyes,” she said, lowering the bed into a flat position. “I know it’s going to sound like new age mumbo jumbo but picture the anger and all the overwhelming feelings as a red gas. Take a slow, deep breath and start pulling it out of your blood and your heart and your brain, into your lungs. Then exhale and picture it flowing out of your nose and mouth and dissipating into the air. Keep doing that until you don’t see any more red gas gathering in your lungs. When you can do that, open your eyes.”

Although vaguely skeptical, Donna did as she asked and began to see the anger and the hurt and anything else unpleasant moving into her lungs and then out through her mouth and nose. By the time her lungs were clear, the anger was gone. She opened her eyes and looked at Barbara who was standing by her bed, “I can’t believe that worked.”

“Good, but that’s only the first step. Now that you’re relaxed I want you start thinking about the things that act as triggers for your anger. This is called cognitive behavior therapy. It allows you to separate the negative emotion from the thoughts that cause them. You take things that normally set you off and think of them in a neutral, calm environment. By doing that you learn to control your reaction to them while still allowing your self to experience the thoughts themselves. Let’s go back and briefly look at the things that you were saying when you got angry. If at any time you feel yourself getting angry or upset, I want you to close your eyes and use the breathing technique you just learned. Okay?”

Donna looked up at her, “Okay.”

“Good. Now, first you said that everyone had to make allowances for you since the thing. Oh, what’s ‘the thing’ all about?” Unlike Dr. Todd, Barbara had said it with a bit of a smirk as if she knew it was some kind of inside joke.

Donna smiled a bit, “Oh, it’s something I picked up from Josh and Toby. It’s kind of like verbal shorthand. We end up using stuff like that in the White House a lot.”

“Okay...” Barbara said with a chuckle. “And you guys are running the country, right?”

“Afraid so,” Donna said. 

“Just checking,” Barbara said. “Now. Back to business. These allowances everyone is making for you. Why do you think they’re making them for you?”

“I thought I explained that with the whole ‘big fucking burden’ thing.” Donna looked at her a minute. “Okay, hang on.” Donna closed her eyes and took a couple of cleansing breaths. Then she opened her eyes.

“Beside the ‘burden’ aspect. Why else do you think they’re doing it?” Barbara asked her.

Donna tried to think about it rationally, rather than emotionally. “Well, I guess they could be doing it because they care about me and they’re trying to help me.”

Barbara smiled, “Good, and how does that make you feel?”

“Well....it’s pretty....nice. I mean that they care so much,” Donna said, feeling a touch of warmth in her heart.

“Yes, it should make you feel good. Friends are a great comfort and when times are hard, you find out who your real ones are. From what I’ve seen, you’ve got a lot of real ones, Donna.”

Donna couldn’t help but smile. “They are pretty great, aren’t they?”

“Well, I don’t know many people that have friends that are good enough to set up a fake funeral to keep their friend safe. That had to be hard. Probably made them think about how close they came to having to set up your real funeral.”

“Yeah,” Donna said softly. “It did.” She remembered Josh’s words that day in the Residence about how it was hell to deal with her fake funeral and how he couldn’t take it if she died before he did. Tears gathered in her eyes as she remembered how she’d hugged him and said then they’d have to go together because she couldn’t handle his either. The tears began to fall when she remembered how she’d treated him and all but kicked her out of her room this morning.

“Donna? What is it?” Barbara asked seeing the tears.

“I was just remembering something Josh told me when I was recovering from the attack and about how hard he said it was to go through my fake funeral,” her voice caught on the last word. “I was so horrible to him this morning and he’s been nothing but wonderful.” She said with a half sob as she covered her eyes with her hand, trying to hold back the tears. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a cry baby the last couple days. I never cry this much.”

“Donna, I want you to close your eyes and use the same breathing exercise but think of the sadness your feeling as a blue gas. When the air has turned clear again, I want you to open your eyes and look at me,” she waited until Donna’s damp eyes opened again and looked at her. “Donna, I want to ask you a question. You said you never cry this much. How often do you cry?”

Donna looked at her a minute. “Well, I cry at sad movies on occasion,” she said with a sniffle.

“What about other times?”

“No, not really,” Donna answered.

“What about when you’re by yourself?”

“No,” she said. “Crying never really helps anything anyway.”

“Who told you that?”

Donna thought for a minute, “My mom, I guess.”

‘Yeah,’ Barbara thought. ‘That would have been my guess.’ “I don’t ever want you to apologize for crying, Donna. Crying can be a therapeutic release and very cleansing. You should never feel ashamed of crying.”

“But it makes me feel vulnerable,” she whispered honestly.

“It’s supposed to and that’s okay. But I know that you’re in a very high profile profession so if the crying in public aspect is a problem for you, I want you to think about just crying when you’re alone. Even doing that is better than not crying at all. Promise me you’ll think about it.”

“Okay, I will.”

“I also want you to promise me that you’ll only use that breathing exercise when you’re feeling overwhelming sadness. Not for the run of the mill sadness stuff. The everyday stuff you should let yourself feel.”

“Okay, I promise.”

“Good. Now where were we before we went down that detour,” Barbara said, looking at her pad. “Oh, yes. The things that trigger your anger. We already covered the allowances everyone has been making and the funeral. How about what you said about the President and Mrs. Bartlet making space for you? That was pretty nice of them to let you stay with them. How do you feel about that?”

Donna thought about it for a minute, “It doesn’t make me mad.” She paused. “It makes me....sad.” She said, tears again gathering in her eyes. 

“Why does it make you sad?”

“Because....because between them and Josh’s mom, they’ve already been better parents to me than my own.” She looked at Barbara, “Do you know when Leo told my parents what had happened to me they had almost nothing to say except they wouldn’t say anything to anyone if they were asked about my ‘death’? They didn't want to talk to me or ask to see me or anything.” She began crying in earnest then. “Mrs. Bartlet came and saw me in the hospital a couple of times, went to my funeral, and came by to see me at least twice a day in the Residence. She made sure I took my medicine and I ate and she got Josh when I had the nutty in the bathroom.”

Barbara made a note to come back to the bathroom ‘nutty’ but for now she wanted to let Donna get it out. 

“And then the President. He was so wonderful. He played cards with me and let me throw M&Ms at him and told me that their home was always open to me. And it wasn’t just in an ‘I’m being polite way’. I know he meant it. See, the thing about President Bartlet is that he doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean. Even Josh’s mom, who lives in Florida, said she was going to come up and make me matzo ball soup if I didn’t get better fast.” She looked at Barbara. “If they like me, why can’t my own parents?” She finished, her hair along the sides of her face was soaked in tears.

“Oh, Donna,” Barbara said, laying her hand along the side of Donna’s face. “I can’t tell you that. I wish I could, but I can’t. Sometime people just can’t be what you want or need them to be. You can’t change that. You just have to try and find some way to go on without them.”

Donna, nodded, knowing she was right. That’s what she’d done most of her adult life. “Are you sure this crying thing is so great?” she said, with half a smile. “‘Cause it feels pretty rotten right about now.”

Barbara smiled down at her, “That’s why they call it sadness. When it feels good it’s called happiness and there’s just about no better feeling than happy tears.”

“Do you think I’ll get to happy tears at some point?”

“With a little time, I can almost guarantee it,” she said. “You want to take a break, Donna? I brought some tea. I don’t have anything to go with it though. Mrs. Jensen was still sleeping when I left this morning and didn’t want to disturb her.”

Donna took a breath and felt some of the sadness subside. “No, I want some tea but I want to get through this first.”

“Well, Donna, I gotta say, you’ve got guts. I’ve had grown men in the fetal position by now.”

Donna smiled at her, with eyes still a bit damp, “Yeah, well the morning is still young.”

“Oh, and she’s got a sense of humor too,” Barbara said with a grin as she handed her a tissue to blow her nose. “Okay, back to work. Let’s see, oh wait, I want to back up a minute. What did you mean when you said Mrs. Bartlet got Josh when you had a ‘nutty’ in the bathroom?”

“Oh, that. I sort of flipped out when I saw my burn on my hip for the first time.”

“What do you mean? What happened?” Barbara asked.

“It’s hard to describe. Mrs. Bartlet was changing the bandage on it and I got up to look at it in the mirror and everything kind of faded away. The next thing I remember, was waking up on the floor of the bathroom with Josh there talking to me. I think having him there was what brought me out of it.”

“Did it happen again?”

“No. Just that one time, well except for what happened in the Oval but since that was on my list I assume we’ll get to that.”

“Oh, okay.” Barbara said, making a couple of notes and putting a star next to the entry she had for the ‘nutty’ in the Oval Office. “How do you feel about the nutty in the bathroom? Does it make you feel mad or anything?”

She thought for a second. “No,” Donna answered. “I guess it’s was kind of embarrassing but Josh was there and no one else really saw but Mrs. Bartlet and some of the Secret Service so it was okay.”

“All right, well, moving on then,” Barbara said. “Sam and Josh had to get you a new apartment and move all your stuff. Tell me about that.”

“Well, Sam was visiting and he and Josh knew that I didn’t want to go back to my old apartment but I needed a place to live once I got out of the Residence so they found me a new place and Sam did most of the moving. It’s a great apartment too. I just feel badly that that they had to do it,” Donna explained.

“Why do you feel bad? You were still injured right?”

“Yes. But....”

“But....?” Barbara asked.

“Well, if the attack hadn’t happened then they wouldn’t have had to do it.”

“But it did happen. There’s no changing that.”

“That’s just it. Maybe if I’d just changed something. Done something different...” she said quietly.

“Donna,” Barbara said, sternly. “The attack was NOT your fault.

“But....”

“It’s NOT your fault. Not for any reason you can name,” Barbara told her.

“But don’t you see, this is what always happens,” Donna told her. “I seem to attract men that want to hurt me. First Freeride, then Cliff, then Jack and now the strangler.” Almost automatically, Donna closed her eyes and started breathing. Gathering the red gas and expelling it away.

Barbara didn’t know who Cliff and Jack were but she assumed they’d constituted two more bad relationships in her adult past. She waited until Donna had finished relaxing her breathing and opened her eyes again. “What about Josh?”

“What about him?”

“Does he want to hurt you?” Barbara asked.

“No, of course not. He’s my best friend.”

“But he’s a man. If we follow your line of reasoning he’s out to get you too.”

“Don’t say that. He’s not like that,” Donna said vehemently.

Barbara sighed, “No, of course he’s not. What I’m trying to do is show you that while you’ve made some bad choices with men in the past, you’re not a walking bad man attractant. You do know good, decent men. Men like Josh and the President and Leo. I doubt they’d do anything to hurt you.”

Donna thought about that for a moment, automatically adding Sam and Toby to the ‘good men’ list. “I guess you do have a point.”

“Well, that’s good to know. I like to be right once in a while,” Barbara said with a little smirk. “Now, you said the staff at work had to pretend that Sydney wasn’t you. Why does that upset you?”

“One thing you have to understand is that everyone in the White House works really hard. I mean really hard. Overtime is a weekly, if not daily occurrence. We’re under enormous pressure. Plus we do it in the spotlight of the Press. I just didn’t want to be something that further added to that burden,” Donna explained.

“Well, but shouldn’t you let your co-workers decide that?”

“It wasn’t like they had a choice. Once we told the Press that I was dead they pretty much had to do it to make sure the administration was protected,” Donna pointed out.

“Okay, fair point, but they had it easy, don’t you think? They weren’t the one that had to dress up and be someone else like you did.”

“I guess,” Donna answered.

“How did you feel about being Sydney, Donna?”

“It was...she was....necessary,” Donna replied.

“Donna, cut the crap. Stop giving me the party line,” Barbara demanded. 

“I HATED it, okay! Is that what you wanted to hear? I hated every minute that I had to be her. Every time I had to put her on, I had to resist the urge to put everything in a the middle of the floor and set it on fire.” Donna closed her eyes and did the breathing exercise until the anger and frustration passed.

“Good. I’m glad,” Barbara told her when Donna opened her eyes. “In my book, you should never be anyone but yourself.

“But my mother would have been proud. Sydney was mousy and plain just like she always wanted me to be.” 

“I’m glad you’re not like that and I’d be willing to bet that your friends are glad too. Because I keep hearing from them how quirky and smart you are,” Barbara told her.

“Really?”

“I told you I wouldn’t lie to you,” Barbara said with a smile.

Donna smiled. “I really do have great friends, don’t I?”

“That’s what I keep trying to tell you. Okay. Next. Um..you threw yourself at Josh? Care to explain that one?” Barbara asked.

“Not especially. Can’t I pass on that one? Kind of like a freebie?”

“Nope, sorry. There are no freebies in therapy. Hey, I should put that on my business card.” She looked down at Donna. “Now spill it.”

“I had a nightmare. Josh was there to wake me up and I sort of propositioned him.”

“Why did you proposition him?” Barbara asked. 

“I don’t exactly know,” Donna said.

“What was the dream about?” 

“I don’t remember exactly. It was something about my mother and the closet. What I remember is waking up and feeling really empty but Josh was there. He woke me up and he held me. Then I don’t know, I was kissing him and telling him that I wanted something to help me feel again. Something to help fill the emptiness,” Donna tried to explain.

“Why Josh? Were you intimate with him before?”

“NO! It’s never been like that between us. He doesn’t love me like that. He’s just my best friend. I used to have feelings like that for him but not...anymore....not since....the attack.” She paused. “It doesn’t matter anyway.”

“Why not?”

“Because he deserves someone that’s whole and strong and not broken.”

“Sounds like you fit the bill to me,” Barbara said.

“How can you say that after everything we’ve talked about?”

“I can say it exactly because of what we’ve talked about today. Donna, you’ve got to give yourself a break. You’ve been through a lot. I have a feeling that with some time those feelings for him will come back.”

“I don’t want them to,” Donna said quietly.

“Why not?”

“Because it was hard when... before....our jobs got in the way. He’s my boss. It hurt. A lot. I couldn’t have been with him even if he’d had feelings for me.”

From what Barbara had seen of Donna’s interactions with Josh, it was plain to see that they were very good friends. But it was even more apparent that they each had deeper feelings for the other. “Out of curiosity, what did he do when you propositioned him?”

“Do I have to tell you? It’s so mortifying.”

“All the more reason to get it off your chest,” Barbara told her.

The words tumbled out of her. “He told me he couldn’t, we couldn’t. That it wasn’t right. He said that he loved me and what I was trying to do had nothing to do with sex and was about me trying to find something to dull the pain.”

Barbara’s already good opinion of Josh rose sharply. It must have taken a lot for him to resist her. “Well, thank God for Josh.” Barbara look at her a moment. “You said he didn’t love you, but you just said he told you he loved you.”

“Yeah, he loved me so much he wouldn’t have sex with me when I begged him to,” she said.

Barbara looked at her for a moment. “Yes, Donna. He loved you SO much that he wouldn’t have sex with you when you begged him to. Have you stopped to think about how hard that must have been for him? There aren’t many guys who can resist a woman that needs them that badly, even if it means that giving in will be worse than not giving in."

“Why would it have been worse?” Donna asked her.

“Can you honestly tell me that if Josh had given in and had sex with you that the next morning, in the cold light of day, when nothing had really changed in your relationship, that you wouldn’t have hated yourself for begging him AND hated him for giving in. That you wouldn’t have thought he’d taken advantage of you at a weak moment?”

Donna thought about it for a minute. “I guess I never looked at it like that,” she said, softly.

“Well, I think you might want to,” Barbara said.

“That was the first time I cut myself,” she said, softly

“Was it because of the thing with Josh?” 

“Yeah. God, I was SO mortified that I’d done that. It was SO pathetic! I mean I begged him for pity sex for god sakes!” She felt the tide rise in her again, so she closed her eyes and began breathing again. It took a few minutes but the feelings finally subsided. When she opened her eyes again, she saw Barbara looking down with her.

“You’re getting really good with the breathing, Donna. You’re a quick study,” Barbara commented. “Um, if I can make a suggestion though, but you might want to think about apologizing to Josh for the way you acted this morning. His head was dragging pretty low when he left this morning.”

“Yeah, I know. I was pretty terrible to him,” Donna agreed.

“Now, let’s move on to the next one,” she looked at her list. “Tell me about the nutty....wait, where the heck did ‘nutty’ come from?”

Donna smiled a bit, “I think Sam was the first one that used it. Or maybe it was Ainsley Hayes. I don’t remember but we sort of picked it up and we use it to describe a meltdown of some kind.”

“Oh-kay,” Barbara said. “You guys are really expanding my vocabulary. Okay so tell me about the ‘nutty’ in the Oval Office.”

“The President was smoking a cigarette and I smelled it and poof. I was out. The next thing I know Mrs. Bartlet is waving smelling salts under my nose.”

“So cigarette smoke is a trigger for you.” Barbara said.

“Yeah, that’s about what I thought,” Donna replied.

"Why do you think that is?"

"I assume that it's because of the burn on my hip. When I smelled the smoke it was more than that," she swallowed. "It was more like....burning skin."

"Close you eyes, Donna, and just breathe," Barbara told her.

Donna laid there for a moment, concentrating on her breathing, then she opened her eyes and looked at Barbara. “That’s the second time I cut myself,” she told her quietly.

“What kind of thoughts and feelings triggered it that time?”

“Well, see Sydney had been a bit of a shield for me. Sometimes it was easier to control my emotions when I was her. But that day it hadn’t helped and when I got home after the thing in the Oval, I got really mad at her because she hadn’t helped me hold it together. I couldn’t rip the outfit off of me fast enough. And just like the first time I cut myself, I was embarrassed and mortified that I had done such a thing and then I got really angry. I was also upset because of the pregnancy thing.”

Barbara’s head snapped up, “Pregnancy thing?”

“Oh, it was nothing,” Donna assured her. “When I passed out in the Oval and then threw up, oh, yeah, as if fainting in the Oval wasn’t bad enough, when I woke up I threw up too.” She closed her eyes and took two cleansing breaths. “So anyway, when I told Mrs. Bartlet I’d been throwing up a lot she asked me if I could be pregnant. Between the stress and the weight loss I’ve had and the fact that my periods have always been so erratic, I really didn’t know, so over the weekend I took a pregnancy test, well, four of them actually and they were all negative. But that day the possible pregnancy scare only added to my frustration.”

“Oh,” Barbara said. “Okay.”

“And that cut was the one that got infected. Which put me in the psycho ward under Dr. Nazi’s gentle care.”

“Dr. Nazi?” Barbara asked. 

“Josh’s name for Dr. Todd.”

Barbara smirked, “It suits her.”

Donna smiled a bit. “I know, that’s just what I thought.” She sobered. “Then last night I had that stupid nightmare and this morning I was embarrassed because I had the nightmare and got sick and pulled out my i.v. and then I was embarrassed because Josh had to call you." She paused. "I guess it all made me mad.” She paused. “I just wish Josh didn’t worry about me so much.”

“He’s your friend. What’s wrong with him worrying about you? I always thought that was a friend’s job.”

“It is, I guess. It’s just kind of embarrassing.”

“You know, Donna, it occurs to me that you seem awfully worried being embarrassed. You just used the word ‘embarrassed’ three times in the last few sentences. Why do you suppose that is?”

Donna thought for a minute, “Well, I have to always be strong and if I’m an embarrassment then I can’t do that. ”

“Why do you always have to be strong? Who says?” Barbara shot back.

“I guess I do.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” she honestly. “I guess it goes back to the whole wanting to be valuable thing.”

“Yes, I suppose it does,” Barbara answered. “Donna, the nightmare you had last night. Was it like the one that you had, you know, that night with Josh?”

Donna shook her head. “No. I only had that dream once. The one I normally have is like the one last night.”

“What’s it about?”

Donna rubbed her head which was beginning to throb a bit, “It’s hard to remember but it’s really dark and there’s a dog and a barn.” She looked up at Barbara. “But I’ve never lived on a farm or been in a barn. My parents and I lived in a condo when I was growing up. I guess it’s a metaphor or something.”

‘A barn? A farm?’ Barbara thought. Donna’s mother had mentioned something about a farm. Donna’s aunt and uncle’s farm. Barbara wondered if there was a connection. “I guess it could be a metaphor,” she told Donna. “Let me see if I my little book here gives us any usable ideas,” she said, reaching into her bag and rooting around until she pulled out a small book, about the size of a pocket dictionary.

“What is that?” Donna asked. 

“My pocket dream dictionary. Let’s see....barn. Ah, yes, here it is:

To see a barn in your dream signifies feelings kept in your unconscious. There is a possibility that you may be holding back your instinctual action or natural urges.’ 

And as for darkness,” she said, flipping through the pages. “Here we go:

‘To dream that darkness comes upon you, signifies failure in work you may attempt. Darkness is synonymous with ignorance, the unconscious, evil, death, and fear of the unknown.

To dream that you are lost in the darkness, denotes feelings of desperation, depression, or insecurity.’”

“Well, they all seem pretty much like what I feel in my dreams,” Donna commented. 

“Okay, now while dreams often are metaphoric, rather than literal, I’d also like you to keep something in mind,” Barbara said to her.

“What’s that?”

“That your dreams could also be memories trying to make their way to the surface.”

Donna looked at her for a minute. “Memories of what?”

“You’re the only one who has the answer to that, Donna.”

**********

Josh idly looked through a report on his desk. He was having a lot of trouble concentrating. The things with Donna, the nightmare from last night and her anger from this morning were conspiring against him. The phone on his desk rang. 

“Josh Lyman.”

“Mr. Lyman, this is Ken at the front gate. There’s someone here to see you. Says her name is Dr. Barbara Abbott?”

“Really?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Um, okay Ken, could you please have her escorted to the northwest lobby? I’ll meet her there and have her sign in as my guest.”

“Very well, sir.”

Josh got up and walked out to the lobby to wait for her. ‘What could she want?’ he wondered. He hoped nothing was wrong with Donna. A few minutes later, she came through the door with a guard at her side. “Hi Barbara,” Josh said as he dismissed the guard and led Barbara to the desk to sign in. Once they had her properly logged in, Josh took her to his office and closed the door.

He sat down on the corner of his desk. “It everything all right, Barbara? I mean Donna’s okay, right?”

“Yes, Josh. She and I talked a couple of things through. I just left her. Actually Sam had just gotten there and they were going to play backgammon, I think. Normally I wouldn’t have disturbed you here at work but I wanted to talk to you about this morning. You seemed a bit out of sorts when you left.”

“Well, I was worried about Donna,” he said, relaxing a little, now that he knew that Donna was okay.

“I know you were.” She paused. “Josh, you know I can’t elaborate on what Donna and I talk about during our sessions, but there’s is something I’d like to tell you. To prepare you for.”

“Prepare me for?”

“You know from what you and I have already talked about that there are a lot of things going on inside of Donna. A lot of things she’s repressing and not dealing with.”

“Right,” Josh agreed.

“As she remembers and begins to deal with them there are going to be consequences for those around her. At least in the short term. It’s most likely, that she’s going to be all over the map emotionally. She may be mad for no reason and take it out on you. The people closest to us are often the handiest targets. She may cry for no reason or cry harder than you think she should. But it’s important that you let her cry. The crying is going to provide a vent for some of the things she’s going through. In fact, short of her being physically violent with you, which I don’t expect, it’s imperative that you be there and be supportive for whatever emotion or mood swing she’s going through. I have a feeling she may try to push you away. You can't let her.” She paused and pulled something out of her pocket. “If either of you has any questions, any questions at all, here’s my card. The number on there will reach me day or night.” She rose from her chair. “That’s all I wanted to tell you. I just didn’t want to do it over the phone.”

Josh stood and took the card from her, “I appreciate that, Barbara. Thank you.” He reached out and shook hands with her.

Barbara moved to the door. Laying her hand on the knob she turned back to him. “Oh, and Josh, you’ve both had a long day, why don’t you take her something nice for dinner. Her favorite pizza or fast food. Whatever. The food at GW sucks.” With a smile she opened the door and headed back to the lobby.

**********

Donna was sitting up in bed watching TV. It was already 7 and she wondered if Josh was going to make an appearance at some point. Maybe she’d pushed him too hard this time. She tried not to let that thought fester. Instead she focused in on the episode of Wheel of Fortune that was on. The clue was 'Song Title.'

“LOVE WILL KEEP US TOGETHER,” she called out to the TV as she figured out the puzzle.

“It has so far,” Josh said, standing in the doorway with a grin on his face.

She looked at him and smiled. “I should go on that show, you know. I’d win.”

“You just want to raid Vanna’s closet,” Josh said, still standing in the doorway.

“Maybe I just have a twisted, secret lust thing for Pat Sajack.”

“Nah, not possible. He’s a Republican,” he said, enjoying their banter. “Oh say, I come bearing gifts.” He held up his offerings. 

“Oh, Josh,” was all she could manage to say. In one hand he was clutching a huge bouquet of yellow and white daisies and in the other was a large white bag bearing the name of “Tio Marco’s,” her favorite Mexican restaurant. Now she was glad she hadn’t been able to force down what the hospital had tried to pass off as her dinner that night.

“The flowers are because I wanted to say I was sorry that I called Barbara without telling you this morning.” He said handing them to her, “I knew you’d tell me not to call her but I really wanted you to talk to her about the nightmares.”

Donna held the flowers up to her cheek. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I overreacted. You were absolutely right to call her. Now, bend down here.” 

He frowned in confusion but complied. She kissed him on the cheek. “What was that for?” he asked her.

“That was me apologizing for being so mean and terrible to you this morning,” she said.

“You weren’t terrible,” he grinned. “You were mean, but not terrible.” 

“Thanks a lot,” she said, swatting him playfully on the arm. “What’s in the bag?” she said innocently.

“Bag? What bag?” He looked at the white paper sack. “Oh, THIS bag. Well, this bag is because I knew you wouldn’t eat the slop they try to pass off as food in this place. As for what’s actually IN this bag....let’s see, it’s got ‘Tio Marco’s’ on it. I’m sure it’s full of rocks or something.” He smirked at her and set it on the bed table. “As if you didn’t know from the smell.” He started to pull things out of the bag. “It’s contains an order of your favorite, cheese enchiladas, and an order of my favorite, chicken tamales, and includes a large side of refried beans, Spanish rice, chips and their homemade salsa. Oh, and for dessert.....” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle. “Cherry flavored Maalox.”

The Secret Service agent on duty out in the hall smiled ever so slightly as he heard the happy sound of the rooms two occupants laughter as it floated out of the room. Pulling the door to their room all the way closed, he went back to his stern, silent vigil.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 28 - MATURE

Josh gathered up the last of the empty containers and threw them in the trash. "Well, how was dinner?" he asked her as he pulled off his shoes and set them under the chair. He was already missing his coat, jacket and tie. All of which he'd discarded after setting out the food.

She took a drink of water to wash down the last trace of the enchilada sauce left in her mouth. "Terrific as usual. I love Tio Marco's."

"I know you do," he said, rolling up his sleeves. He tried to think of a way to put off what he needed to talk to her about, but wasn't really coming up with anything. They'd just had a nice dinner, during which they'd talked about the goings on at the White House in the few days she'd been gone. He'd brought her get well wishes from all the Senior Staff and the assistants at the White House. Most of the assistants didn't know what had really happened in the Oval on Friday or about the fact that Donna was in the hospital. Outside of Josh, Sam, CJ, Leo, Ron, Abbey and Jed, the only ones who knew about it were Debbie, Charlie, and Toby.

"How's Harley?" she asked, sensing that Josh had something on his mind and trying to give him a minute to work it out.

Josh flashed her a little smirk. "He's great, I looked in on him today. I think he misses you, though. Which reminds me I brought something else." He moved over to where he'd laid his coat and started going through the pockets. "I know I put it somewhere..... wait....here it is." He pulled something out and walking over, handed it to her.

It was a Polaroid picture of Harley. He was mugging shamelessly for the camera, a suspiciously familiar red rubber lump in his mouth. "Josh? Is that another one of Toby's red rubber balls?"

Josh grinned. "Yeah."

"You haven't been encouraging him to keep stealing them, have you?" she asked.

He held up his hands in defense. "Hey, it wasn't me."

"Well, then who?"

"Toby."

"Toby? Toby's been encouraging Harley to steal his red rubber balls?" she asked, baffled.

Josh smirked, "Not exactly. He went out yesterday and got a box of 12 balls. He goes out to the kennel for about an hour and throws that ball for Harley. I think he's trying to do his part to look after Harley while you're in here and see to it that he gets enough exercise. I'm not sure which one of them enjoys it more. Today, Sam and I hid behind some bushes and watched him. They have a lot of fun. Toby actually has these long discussions with Harley about whatever he's working on at the moment. Harley's kind of his sounding board I think. And Harley doesn't talk back so I'm sure that Toby sees that as a plus. Of course, that's when he's not trying to pry the ball out of Harley's mouth."

Donna looked at the picture. "I miss him," she said, quietly.

"Toby?" he tried to joke, but when he saw the tears swimming in her eyes he sobered. "He's why I found you so quickly on Monday," he said, laying his hand gently on her shoulder.

"Toby?" Donna tried to joke back. The simmering tears in her eyes kind of ruined the effort.

Josh smiled gently and told her how he'd called to talk to her and Harley had managed to knock the phone off the hook letting him know that something was wrong. "That's one smart dog you've got there, Donnatella."

She looked up at Josh. "I guess I know how to pick 'em." She wasn't entirely talking about Harley and was remembering the day she'd picked out his office in Nashua because it was the messiest and looked like it needed the most help. 'Yeah, I know how to pick 'em all right,' she thought. 

A slight silence fell between them. Josh was looking at her quietly. "Josh? What's going on?" Donna asked, with a frown.

"What? Nothing. Why?" Josh tried.

"Cause you've got this really weird look on your face. It's kind of like the look you had when you showed up at your surprise party right after Amy quit and Carrick told you he was becoming a Republican. I secretly call it Josh's, “Oh-my-God-now-what-do-I-do” face."

Josh sighed and leaned against the wall. "I hate it when you're so....perceptive."

She looked at him a minute. "No, you don't. Now..." she said, patting a spot on the bed beside her. "Come back over here and talk to me."

He ambled over and sat down next to her. He let out a breath, "I'm sure that Barbara told you that you're being released tomorrow."

"Yes, she told me this morning," Donna replied, waiting to hear where he was going with his questioning.

"We need to talk about what we're going to do when you leave here."

Donna looked at him for a minute. "I assumed I would go home, back to my apartment. Will someone be able to pick me up or should I take a cab?"

"Sam's going to pick you up and I'll bring Harley by later."

"Oh, good." She paused. "I'm guessing there’s more that we need to discuss. Like work maybe?"

"Well, yes. While you were recovering from all the valium they gave you, Barbara and Stanley were both surprised to hear that we had you dressing up as Sydney for the last few months. They both felt like it was probably a bad idea for us to ask you to do it." He looked at her. "What do you think about it?"

"Barbara and I talked about it today too. I don't....Josh, I don't want to go back to being Sydney again," she said. It was good to have some say in what was going on. To make her opinion heard.

He took her hand, "Well, then you don't have to."

"But doesn't that cause huge problems?" she asked him.

"Not problems, exactly. It just means we need to make some decisions," he replied.

Donna looked down at their clasped hands for a minute, "Yeah, I know." She looked up at him, "Work’s a big thing isn't it?"

"Yeah. But if you want to go back to work as you and not Sydney, we'll all support you in that. The President and Leo are prepared to have CJ go on the record publicly explaining what happened and that by faking your death, we did what was necessary to protect you. We planned to do it eventually anyway after the guy was caught. Although they planned to say that for your own safety, you've been in hiding in an undisclosed location rather than working under everyone's noses as Sydney. They felt it was better if we let Sydney's existence remain a secret."

"Why do I think it's not that easy?" Donna asked.

Josh sighed, "Because unfortunately nothing in this town is that easy. Since you work in the White House you'd be given Secret Service protection until they catch him."

"Just like CJ had?"

"Yeah, only your protection won't look like Agent Donovan," Josh said with a little grin.

But Donna was frowning. "Do I have any other options? If I don't want to be Sydney, I mean?" she asked.

That took him by surprise, he figured she'd just want to come back to work. "Um, well yeah, I guess. Mike said that they could place you in protective custody in a safe house somewhere until they caught the guy. Or you could basically keep a really low profile and stay in your apartment as much as possible. But I figured you wouldn't...."

"Okay. I'll do that," she said quickly.

Too quickly. Josh's antenna went up. When she gave him her "I'm fine" smile, he knew something was definitely going on. "Don't you want to come back to work at the White House?" he asked her.

She looked at him a minute. "No, that's not it...I just....." She stopped talking, then sighed. "Okay, I was about to think of some excuse right there. But I'm going to go with the truth instead." She laid her head back against the pillow. "I think it would be better if I wasn't around for a while."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Josh asked her. He wondered if this was the part Barbara has warned him about. The part where she tried to push him away.

"Josh, I'm really screwed up. I mean sometimes I think you and Barbara should have left me in the psych ward."

"No," he said, getting up off the bed and shoving his hands in his pockets. "Don't ever say that! You were lucky you were out of it for most of the time you were there. It was pretty terrible." He dragged his hand through his hair. "Medication, restraints, bars on the window, a bathroom without a door, security locks on the door, no visitors. The only reason I got in to see you was because I held your medical power of attorney. It was one step up from a prison cell and I don't mean a big step. All I kept thinking was if they'd put me in a place like this after I put my hand through the window I don't think I would have been able to handle it. And the fact that you were there, that you were LOCKED away there....well, it hurt to see it."

She could see that it had indeed affected him deeply. "Josh you wouldn't be saying that if you knew what happened after....this morning....after you left....I..." The words stopped coming then.

"What did happen this morning after I left?" he said with a frown as he stopped pacing and looked at her. When he'd left, Barbara had been there with her so it couldn't have been too bad.

She SO did not want to tell him this. "This is going to fall into that 'there's nothing too bad you can't tell me' category. Okay," she said, letting out a breath. "I..." she dropped her face into her hands dejectedly. She could do this. She HAD to do this. Taking a cleansing breath she dropped her hands into her lap and looked up at him. "I tried to hurt myself again."

Her statement was met by complete silence but Josh moved back over to the side of her bed. "What do you mean you tried to hurt yourself again?" he said, very quietly, his heart beating nearly out of his chest.

"I tried to hurt myself. I got mad, really mad and it sort of took over. I started throwing things. My pillows, poor Zane here," she said holding up the rabbit. Unable to face Josh as she told him, she brought Zane down to her lap and focused him. "And I was about to pitch the breakfast tray off the table when I saw the metal fork. I...it....there was no knife on the tray. So I grabbed the fork and pulled back the sheet and aimed for my leg....Barbara stopped me." 

"Is this because of what I did?" he asked quietly. "Is this because you were mad at me for calling Barbara?"

She looked up at him then, needed to make him understand. "Oh, God, Josh. No, it wasn't your fault, not even a little bit. I mean I was mad about you calling Barbara but you were right to do that. You were only looking out for me and if you hadn't I have a feeling I would have hurt myself anyway. I was also mad about the nightmare and getting sick and ripping out my i.v. and making you almost pass out because of it. It was anger and rage and mortification and everything else all at once." 

Laying her hand on his arm she tried to explain. "I didn't know what I was doing, Josh. Do you understand? It wasn't rational. It's like everything is tangled up inside me and I don't have any kind of control. No off or on switch. My emotions seem to have a mind of their own. Usually I feel nothing or I feel everything at once. Barbara and I spent most of the morning working on it and how I can try to calm myself down and think about what I'm upset about, without letting it overwhelm me. But....I don't know how long it's going to take. I don't know when I'm going to be better.” Lowering her head again, she picked at the edge of her blanket. “I don't know when you can trust me again.” 

“Donna,” he said quietly sitting down and laying his hand over hers. “Donna.” He waited until her face came up so she could look at him. “You do remember who you’re talking to, right? I’m the one who yelled at the President in the Oval, put his hand through a window, spent the better part of Christmas Eve day spilling my guts to Stanley and Christmas morning in the emergency room getting my hand stitched up.” He paused to let her think about it for a minute, then he leaned forward and gathered her into a hug. “Donna, I’ve always trusted you. I couldn’t have come this far, WE couldn’t have come this far, if I didn’t.” He paused. “I’m glad you told me about this morning. I know that must have been hard.”

They were quiet a moment, just sitting there holding onto each other. “It frightens me to know what’s inside me. I don’t know what’s happening and it terrifies me,” she said, her voice trembling slightly. She felt his arms tighten around her in response. “That’s why I thought maybe I should go away for a while, I don’t want it to touch you.”

Chuckling softly, he leaned back and looked at her, “Well, I think it’s a little late now. I care about you, so of course it touches me." He sat back a bit but kept hold of her hand. "Have I ever told you Leo's hole story?"

"No, I don't think so."

"He told it to me right after I got done with Stanley. See, this guy's walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep. He can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up 'Hey you! Can you help me out?' The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up 'Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?' The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. 'Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?' And the friend jumps in the hole! Our guy says 'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!' and the friend says, 'Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out.'" 

He looked at her for a minute. "When Leo told me that story he said to remember that as long as he had a job, I had a job. Now I'm going to echo those same sentiments to you but I'm going to add something else. As long as you need me, I'm here." 

Tears had pooled her eyes, making them huge and blue as she watched him, "I have to warn you," she said. "Barbara's gotten me started on this whole crying thing. She keeps telling me it's a good thing but if you're around me too much you might get a little damp."

"I'll be sure to keep Sam's all-weather gear handy," Josh told her.

She laughed at that, causing the tears in her eyes to trail down her cheeks. "I think we burned them after you wore them the time you met Joey Lucas."

"What are you saying? That I smelled worse than fish?" he said, laughing along with her.

"Josh, you smelled worse than a trash barge," she replied, then she sobered and swiped at the worst of the tears. "There's another reason I mentioned going away."

"What?" he asked, handing her a tissue.

She wiped at her eyes a bit, "The nightmares I've been having."

"What about them?"

"Well...I was thinking that were a metaphor or something but Barbara thinks they might be a memory trying to surface."

"What are they about?"

She frowned a bit, "It's hard to remember but there's a farm and a dog and a barn. The barn seems to be the scariest part."

"Is that what the one from last night was about?"

"Yeah," she replied.

"And the one from that night in your apartment?"

"No, that was different. That one was about my mom." She wasn't ready to go down that road with him just yet.

"Okay," he replied, sensing that there was more to it than she was saying but not pushing it. "But how do your nightmares relate to you thinking about going away? Can't you work through them just as well while you're here in D.C.?"

Donna sighed slightly. "Barbara thinks it's possible I’m repressing a memory."

"What do you think?"

"I just don’t know. I don't remember ever being on a farm like the one in my nightmare. But Barbara thinks maybe it would help if I went and saw a barn. She thinks maybe it would trigger something. Or maybe it will do nothing and really show that it is just some kind of metaphor my brain is using. But how am I going to do that? I mean I can’t exactly go up the nearest farmer and say 'Hey, Farmer Ted, can I look at your barn? Oh, and I might have a nutty while I’m there and scare all the animals. And oh, by the way, you can’t tell anyone ‘cause everyone thinks I’m dead so it would be bad if they suddenly read in the paper that I was having a nutty in your barn!’" She laid back and took a couple of cleansing breaths.

"Hi guys," Abbey said from the doorway. "I'm sorry I didn't knock first," she said, closing the door and coming into the room. Josh started to get up but she waved him off. "Don't get up on my account, Josh. I just came to check on Donna and didn't want to knock in case she was sleeping. I came late so my visit would be less conspicuous." She stopped by the bed, standing where Josh and Donna could both see her. "Did I hear you guys say something about a barn?"

Josh looked at Donna, telling her it was up to her as to what they told Abbey. She squeezed his hand in gratitude. "Yeah, I've been having a recurring nightmare about a barn. I think it's just a metaphor but Barbara thinks it might be a memory I'm repressing and that it may be a good idea if at some point I go and SEE a barn to see if I remember anything."

"Well, now that is a co-incidence. Because one of the reasons I had for coming over here, besides checking on my favorite patient," she smiled at Donna, "was because I've been talking to Jed about what you were going to do after you got out of the hospital tomorrow. Now, we figured it was safe to assume you weren't going to want to go back to dressing up as Sydney, am I right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Okay. Now since they haven't caught your attacker yet we figured you wouldn't want to reveal the fact that you're alive right now."

"Right again," Donna answered.

"So that would mean either being a near hermit in your apartment or being locked up in some FBI safe house until they catch the guy. Right?" Donna nodded. "Well, I think I've come up with a third option for you to consider."

"What is it, ma'am?" Donna asked with a little frown.

"The Manchester house," she said with a smile.

"What Manchester house....? Wait...you mean, YOUR Manchester House?" Donna asked incredulous. Abbey nodded. "Oh, no ma'am. I couldn't. That's just too much to ask. I appreciate the offer, really I do, but I wouldn't feel right about it."

"Donna, first of all, if you 'ma'am' me one more time I'm not going to be responsible for my actions. Just call me Abbey. I think we're way beyond the First Lady and the government employee routine. Second of all, give me one good reason why you can't take me up on my offer?"

"Mrs. Bartlet..." Donna began.

"Abbey."

"Abbey..." Donna tried again. "It just wouldn't look right."

"Says who? The only people who are going to know will be the ones we decide to tell. The President will be here so it's not like the press is going to have any interest in what's going on at our house in New Hampshire. I figured I'd be there at least part of the time so I can keep an eye on your leg, but the press doesn't pay that much attention to me these days unless I want them to," she said with the air of someone who'd had a long standing relationship with the Press Corps.

"It would be too big of an imposition," Donna tried to point out.

"Nonsense. It's no imposition at all. With Zoey back in DC, the house is empty these days. The Secret Service guarding the grounds and the one farm hand that takes care of the stock for us all have their own living quarters. At least someone will get some use out of it. Plus you'd be protected by the Secret Service. You'd have some time to think some things through without the stress of this town pulling at you. Take a month. Breathe some fresh air, remember what it's like to sleep in once in a while. It did Zoey a world of good after the kidnapping. If Barbara is okay with the idea of you going, she could fly up a couple times a week for your sessions. And, as luck would have it, we have a barn at the Manchester house."

"I couldn't leave Harley."

"Who says you have to leave him? It's the perfect place for a dog. Fields and the orchard to run in. The cows, chickens, and squirrels to chase around. He'll be in doggy heaven."

Donna looked at her for a moment, "You've seen Harley, right? Big dog, big tail that has a mind of it's own, sheds like crazy, likes to hog the couch?"

Abbey smiled at her. "Donna that house has survived three kids, five dogs, six cats, three hamsters, any number of fish, as I recall a frog that Ellie liberated from her high school biology class, and Jed. It will survive Harley."

"What about my apartment and my bills? I won't have any money coming in if I'm not working," Donna pointed out.

"Well, Leo and I talked a little about that. If you wanted to take some extended time off he said he thought he could arrange a paid leave of absence," Josh told her. "And between CJ, Toby and Sam. I'm sure they could keep an eye on your apartment, collect your mail and send you anything that looked like it needed attention."

'But what about Josh?' Donna wondered to herself. She looked at him. Although a few minutes ago she'd been talking about leaving him for a while, now that she was faced with the very real possibility of doing so, she wasn't nearly as committed to the idea of being without him at least close by.

Abbey saw the look on Donna's face and looked at Josh. "Um, Josh, how would you feel about going with her?" Personally, Abbey had been rooting for Josh and Donna to get on the same page about what was going on between them ever since she'd seen them together in the Residence a few months before. She knew it would be slow going because of what had happened to Donna and the affect it had on Josh, but she thought that giving them some non-work time together would be a solid first step. 

Josh looked between Abbey and Donna. While he'd listened to Abbey's arguments for Donna going to the Manchester house he'd thought that it was a perfect idea. But the thought of being away from her when he felt that she needed him the most had been very troubling. Now, Abbey was clearly giving him the chance to get around that. But it would mean leaving the White House, at least for a little while.

Except for when he'd been recovering from the shooting, he'd hardly had more than a couple of days off here and there since they'd been in office. Nothing longer than Thanksgiving weekends to see his mom or when he'd eventually been able to go and see the Mets in Florida for spring training. After the recent trouble with Carrick and the arrival of Angela Blake, who'd thankfully gone back to New York the month earlier, he was very conscious of just how tenuous his position in the White House was. But on the other hand, it had also made him realize that he needed to have a something for himself outside of politics. In an odd way, he owed Carrick for shaking him up a bit. It had been a turning point for him. One that had pointed him at Donna.

"Of course, Jed and Leo would still expect as much work from you as possible," Abbey was telling him. "At least as much as you could do over the phone or by e-mail or by the occasional trip back to D.C."

"Oh, Josh. I couldn't.....you can't afford to take that much time off. You don't have to do. I'll be all right by myself," Donna said, her words in direct contrast to how she really felt. But she didn't want to put any pressure on him. She never wanted to make him have to choose between their friendship and politics.

Josh looked at her. She'd been suffering alone for too long. It was time someone stood with her to show her she wasn't alone any more. "I know you would be," he said, squeezing her hand. "But I want to be there for you. So no matter what, I will find a way to work it out with Leo and the President."

Abbey smirked to herself slightly. She'd already talked Leo and Jed into the idea of letting Josh go along. So he'd find them remarkably agreeable to the idea.

"Wait...Sam," Josh said suddenly.

"Sam?" Abbey said. "What about Sam?"

"With me gone and Angela back in New York, Leo's going to need someone to help staff the President. Sam did it when Toby, Donna and I got stuck in Indiana, he could it again. I don't think he's gotten that far on setting up his practice yet." He smiled. "Yeah, I think it just might work." He squeezed Donna's hand.

Abbey smiled, pleased that they'd come to an apparent consensus. "Good. So Donna, what do you say? You wanna come spend some time in the Granite State, where the motto is 'Live Free or Die'?"

"Live Free or Die, huh?" Donna said, looking at Josh. 'How appropriate,' she thought. "I don't have to take Sydney, right?" she asked, looking back at Abbey.

"You can shove her in a drawer as far as I'm concerned," Abbey said with a grin.

Donna nodded. "Okay."

"Great," Abbey said. "When are you scheduled to see Barbara next?" 

"She's coming to my apartment tomorrow afternoon. She wants to meet Harley and see where I live," Donna told her.

"Good, talk to her and make sure she's okay with the idea of you going and if she can work it into her schedule to come up there for your sessions. Tell her to call me if she has ANY questions. Oh, and be sure to tell her about the barn. If she's okay with it we can leave Saturday morning." She looked at Josh. "Will that be enough time to get things on your end set up, Josh?"

"Yeah, that should give me time to get Sam up to speed by then."

Abbey sighed and smiled, "Well, I've got a million things to do. Donna, call me after you talk to Barbara. Okay?"

"I will Mrs....Abbey," Donna said.

Abbey smiled at her and then leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll talk to you soon." She headed for the door. "Bye," she said before stepping out into the hall.

"Bye," Josh and Donna called after her.

"Well, it looks like our problems are solved," he said, looking at the door. Then he turned back to Donna. Huge tears were hanging at the edge of her bottom edge of her eyes. "Donna? What's wrong?"

She blinked hard, the tears trailed down her cheeks. She swiped at them with the tissue Josh had given her earlier. "Nothing."

"Then why are you crying?"

"I told you to get used to it," she replied softly. When he only continued to look at her, apparently waiting for a real answer, she sniffed. "They're just really.....nice. I can't believe they'd open their own home to me. I mean I can believe it because they're so nice but....you know?"

Josh squeezed her hand. "Yeah, I know." Things were quiet between them for a moment. "Well, it's getting late. We'd better turn in. I'm going to go in the bathroom and brush my teeth and get changed."

"Kay," Donna replied. She pressed the button on the bed to lower the head of the bed and tried to get comfortable. As she heard the water running in the bathroom she looked at the ceiling for a few minutes. It still amazed her that President and Mrs. Bartlet had been so kind to her. Her mind drifted to the inevitable comparison between them and her own parents. It wasn't much of a contest. She sighed. What had Barbara said? 'Sometimes people just can’t be what you want or need them to be. You can’t change that. You just have to try and find some way to go on without them.' Well, maybe she'd just temporarily, unofficially, in her own heart, look at the Bartlets as her foster parents. They'd already been kinder to her than her own parents had ever been.

Just then Josh came out of the bathroom, "All yours." Donna maneuvered herself out of bed to brush her teeth and use the bathroom. Then she carefully got back into bed. "Do you need anything else before we turn in?" he asked as he made sure the i.v. line wasn't tangled or anything and he tucked the blankets in around her.

"No, I'm okay," she replied. She watched him move to the other bed and pull back the sheet. "Josh?"

He stopped and turned around. "Yeah?"

"Can I change my answer?"

"About needing something? Sure." He walked over to her bed. "What can I do for you?"

She stared at him for a moment, "I don't want to have any nightmares tonight. I'd just like to get through the night without worrying. Will you...." she paused, swallowing the small lump in her throat. "Will you stay with me? Like before?" she asked.

He smiled down at her. "What about your leg? I don't want to hurt you."

"You won't," she said, her words loaded with meaning. "I trust you."

"Ah-kay," he reached over and grabbed the blanket off his bed as she scooted over to far side of hers. Leaving the light in the bathroom on in case one of them had to get up in the middle of the night, he turned off all the other lights and then carefully, gingerly climbed up on her bed. Just like their prior sleeping arrangements had been, he was on top of the covers and she was under them. He tossed the blanket from his bed over the top of him. Between her i.v. and her leg, Donna had to lie on her back. But if he laid on his side, there was just enough room for both of them in the bed. But he was happy the bed had rails on it or he just knew he'd wind up on the floor at some point in the night. "Comfortable?" he asked her.

"Yeah," she replied softly. "You?"

"Yeah," he said. Anytime he was this close to her he was uncomfortably comfortable. He was comfortable because he was close enough to smell her skin, her hair, just HER and that was always a comfort. But he was uncomfortable because he wouldn't let himself get any closer to her. "I'm fine," he told her.

They laid there in the semi-darkness for a few minutes. "Josh?"

"Hmmm?"

"Thank you for coming to New Hampshire with me," she told him.

Her hand was laying on top of the covers and he linked his fingers with hers. "You're welcome, Donna. Like I said, you don't have to go through this alone. You don't ever have to go through anything alone again."

"I know." She paused. "Goodnight," she said softly.

He could already hear the sleep in her voice and he took enormous satisfaction in it. "Goodnight."

TBC

**********  
Chapter 29 - MATURE

About the time that Donna had ended up in the psychiatric ward, D.C. and all of New England had begun to realize that it was fall. That meant the temperatures, especially at night, had taken a downward turn and the leaves on the trees had begun to change from lively summer greens to vibrant autumn browns, reds, and golds.

Because of this changing scenery, Abbey, Josh and Donna had decided to drive to Manchester instead of fly. The drive would take them 7 to 8 hours, but they weren't necessarily in a hurry and it would give them a chance to take in the scenery.

Barbara had agreed to Donna going, and in fact had thought it was a wonderful idea. She said she would plan to fly up on Mondays and Thursdays for her sessions with Donna. She did have one stipulation though. That Donna not go near the barn until she was there with her. 

Although it had turned into his own version of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' with CJ and the rest of the administration, Josh had stayed with Donna every night since she'd gotten out of the hospital. But he felt it was worth it. Donna hadn't had a nightmare since he'd been staying with her.

So, as they’d originally planned, Josh, Donna, Abbey and a Secret Service detail quietly slipped out of Washington on Saturday, which happened to also be Halloween, and headed for Manchester. Donna was currently curled up next to Josh on the rear seat of the Suburban with her head in his lap. She'd been asleep for about an hour. Abbey sat reading in the middle seat of the vehicle, with Harley asleep and snoring lightly on the floor at her feet. Two Secret Service agents occupied the driver's seat and the front passenger seat. Two more Suburbans, one in front of them, one behind, and each containing 4 more agents drove with them. Their luggage and various supplies were spread among the three vehicles.

As Josh had hoped, Sam was willing, and the President and Leo had been agreeable, to Sam staffing the President and performing quite a few of Josh's regular duties while he was in New Hampshire. But as Abbey had mentioned in Donna's hospital room, they still expected Josh to take care of as much as he could by phone, e-mail and with at least one return trip in a couple of weeks to help with a scheduled Senate vote. Even though Josh had spent three days prepping Sam, there was still a lot they hadn't gotten around to talking about. Which was why, at about hour 5 of the drive, Josh was on the phone trying to explain to Sam what needed to happen during a meeting with the base closure committee that was scheduled for Monday morning. 

"You can't let them push you around, Sam. And since you're meeting with them and not me, you know they're going to try,” he said into the phone as his free hand idly brushed slowly across Donna’s shoulder as she slept. “You know how this works. They ask for a thing, then we say no and then they ask for a little less and we say keep talking and then they ask for a little less and we're right where we want to be and everyone goes home happy. It's a little like when the Dutch settlers managed to snatch up the island of Manhattan in 1626 from the Manates Indians for a few trinkets."

"Josh you do realize that the treatment of those Indians by the settlers is seen as one step, and a tiny step at that, above robbery and genocide?" Sam replied.

"Yeah, but that still doesn't keep anyone one from wanting to live in Manhattan, Sam."

"Well, since I lived there myself when I worked at Gage Whitney, I can't really compose a credible response to that, but I get what you're trying to say about the meeting on Monday.”

"Then my work here is done," Josh said with a smirk. "How are you feeling about things, Sam?"

"Scared out of my mind."

"Oh, good," Josh replied.

"Good? How is that possibly good?" Sam demanded.

“’Cause you care, Sam. You want to do a good job. If you didn’t you wouldn’t be so scared.” He paused. “Don’t worry. You’ll do fine. You’ve done this before, remember?”

“Yeah, and out of that whole day, I had one good moment. ONE, Josh,” Sam said.

“Welcome to my world, Sam,” Josh tried to joke. “Look, Sam. Last time you hadn’t slept for like, a week. Now you’re rested and relaxed. Before you had no idea what to expect or what was going to happen. Now at least you have some idea of what you’ve gotten yourself into.”

Sam took a steadying breath as he looked around Josh’s cluttered office. “I suppose it’s too late to change my mind.” 

“Yeah, sorry, Sam. That ship has sailed,” Josh replied.

There was a pause, “How’s she doing?”

Josh looked down at Donna, who was still sleeping quietly. “She’s okay. She’s asleep right now. We should be at the house in a couple hours. I’ll give you a call when we get there.” He smiled, “I tell you what, Sam. Go find Toby and CJ and go out tonight and have a nice dinner. Have a drink. Then go home and get a good night’s sleep. Come in for a few hours tomorrow so you can ease yourself into things. Call me if you need anything.”

“Yeah, don’t think that will a problem,” Sam replied.

“Okay, Grasshopper. I’ll talk to you later.

“Quoting old Kung Fu movies now, Josh?”

“That’s Master to you, Grasshopper.”

“Right. I’ll be sure to remember that because Toby doesn’t, you know, already make fun of me enough.” Sam said with a grin.

Josh chuckled. “Okay. Hey, Sam?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks again for doing this for me....for her. If you weren’t helping me out with this I don’t think I could have come with her without quitting outright,” Josh told him quietly. “And this is where I need to be.”

“I know. I’m glad I could help, although just how much help I’m going to be remains to be seen,” Sam answered back, then grew quiet. “Just take care of her, all right?”

“It’s my new mission in life,” Josh replied, looking down at her sleeping form again. “Bye, Sam.”

“Bye.”

Josh hung up the phone and looked at Donna for a moment. A strand of fine blonde hair had escaped the ponytail she’d pulled it into and had fallen across her cheek, He gently brushed it back and tucked it behind her ear. She stirred slightly and moved her hand to lay it over his where it was resting on her shoulder. With a soft sigh, she settled back to sleep. 

He’d watched her sleep before. When they’d been campaigning. On late flights on Air Force One. In his apartment when she’d stayed with him after Rosslyn or when they’d been working late and she’d fallen asleep on his couch. Of course, more recently during her stays in the hospital and while he’d been staying with her at the apartment. But as he watched her now, with the crisp fall sunlight moving over her face, it washed over him just how dear she was to him. What a big part of his life she’d become. How much he wanted to hold her and never let her go. How he wanted to do everything in his power to make her whole and happy again. Even if that meant that things never happened for them. 

“Sam having a nutty about filling in for you?” Abbey asked him. She’d turned in her seat and was watching him and Donna. It touched something in her to see the two of them together.

Josh looked up and met her gaze over the top of her reading glasses. “Yeah, I think the phrase ‘scared spitless’ might apply.”

“Ahh, he’ll do fine. Jed likes him so that helps. Besides, it will be good experience for him.”

“I tried to tell him those things but I think he was still too worried that he’ll, you know, tell the President to invade Nebraska or something, to hear it,” Josh said with a smile.

“Now, next time you talk to him you’ll have to tell him he had nothing to worry about. Jed would never invade Nebraska. I mean what’s in Nebraska? Insurance? Wow, what a war prize. I mean if he invaded anything it would be Florida for Disneyworld or California for Disneyland or Hollywood. At least with one of those we’d have some place to take the grandkids. Louisiana could also be a target. While definitely not a place to take the kids, us adults would have a hell of a time in New Orleans with all the great food and plenty of alcohol to drink,” Abbey joked.

“I could get behind New Orleans,” Josh replied with a little grin. “Donna loves the beignets from the French Quarter and I love the coffee so we’d be set.”

Abbey enjoyed the way that Josh kept speaking of him and Donna in a package deal/non-couple couple kind of way. “Well, I’ll be sure to tell Jed that the two of you vote for Louisiana,” Abbey told him.

“But I’ve never been to Disneyland,” Donna murmured sleepily, as her eyes fluttered open. “How do I know I wouldn’t like it better? Just because Josh gets nauseous riding the escalator....”

“Hey! It was just that one time and I was getting over the stomach flu,” he said in his own defense. 

She smiled up at him teasingly, “Someday I guess you’ll have to take me to Disneyland and prove it.”

“Well...it’s nice of you to join us in the land of the living,” Abbey said with a smile as she watched Donna yawn and slowly stretch.

“How long was I asleep?” she said, sitting up slowly. “I went to sleep listening to Josh try and talk Sam off the ledge he’d climbed out on and I woke up hearing about how we were invading Nebraska. And why on earth would we want to invade Nebraska? I mean all they have there is insurance.”

“That was exactly my point,” Abbey replied.

Donna stretched a bit more and took a drink of water from a bottle she had in her bag. “Oh, this is nice,” she said, looking out at the scenery they drove past. Slightly rolling hills covered in changing foliage rolled out from both sides of their little caravan. Where are we?” she asked.

“We just crossed into Massachusetts. It’s about another two hours to the house. You were asleep for about an hour,” Abbey answered.

Donna nodded. “Where’s Harley?”

“Lying down here by my feet, sawing logs,” Abbey told her. 

“He’s not crowding you, is he?”

“Donna...stop worrying,” Abbey said with a little smile. “You’re supposed to be relaxing. He’s fine.”

“Right,” she smiled slightly. “I know. Sorry.”

“Okay, I’d like to make a rule, here and now. There will be no ‘sorry’s’ on this trip. No apologizing. At least not to me. Agreed?” Abbey said, with a pointed look at Donna.

“All right,” Donna said with a nod.

“Good,” Abbey said, her expression softening. “Now, how’s your leg feeling? Do you need to get out and stretch a bit?” 

Donna flexed her leg a bit. “No, it’s okay. I think I can wait.”

“I brought some magazines. Would you like one to read?” Abbey said, holding up a selection of periodicals.

“No, reading in the car makes me nauseous,” Donna replied.

“Ah, ha! And you were getting on my case for getting nauseous on the escalator. At least I don’t get car sick. I’d so do better than you on roller coasters,” Josh said with a smirk.

“Josh, I only get sick if I read when I’m the car. As I recall they don’t make you read on roller coasters and as long as they don’t, I’d kick your ass on the roller coasters.” Donna replied.

He was glad to see Donna bringing the banter between them so easily. “Well, one of these days, I guess we’ll just have to see about that,” Josh said with a cryptic smile. Donna looked at him curiously but he only continued smiled. “Mrs. Bartlet? Can I have one of those magazines? Preferably, something not girly. You got anything like ‘Time’ or ‘Newsweek’ up there?’” 

“Let’s see,” Abby said, looking through her stack. “I’ve got Cosmo, People, Redbook, Reader’s Digest, Better Homes and Gardens, the Journal of the American Medical Association, the Annals of Thoracic Surgery, and USA Today.”

“And yet you’re reading a book,” Josh commented.

Abbey looked down at the bestselling hardback book she had in her hand. “Well, I’m almost done with it and I wanted to be prepared.”

“Ah-kay, give me the Reader’s Digest.”

Abbey smirked at him, “I would have bet money you would have picked the ‘USA Today.’”

“Yeah, Josh doesn’t read, ‘USA Today,’” Donna replied before Josh could. “He says all the color freaks him out.”

“It’s just wrong. I mean I know that papers have color pictures sometimes. But they carry it too far. It’s like a girly newspaper,” Josh explained. “I take my newspapers manly.” 

“Sam likes it,” Donna said.

“I rest my case,” Josh replied as he took the ‘Reader’s Digest’ from Abbey. “And, unlike you, my dear Donnatella,” he said, flipping open the cover. “I can read in the car.”

Donna merely stuck her tongue out at him and went back to looking out the window.

**********

About 2 hours later she was still looking out the window. But the view was, and had been, spectacular so she didn’t mind. As in the city, the summer green fields, hills and trees were slowly giving way to the deeper colors of autumn. But the process wasn’t quite complete, leaving the summer and autumn colors standing side by side. Almost as if someone had gone around and painted only half the foliage. Rather than looking odd, it looked like a welcoming homemade patchwork quilt you might find thrown over the back of your grandmother's sofa.

Josh, on the other hand, had gone through Readers Digest, People, Redbook, Cosmo, and, truly showing the depth of his boredom, the Journal of the AMA. And now, like any normal 6-year-old, he was beginning to get fidgety. "Are we almost there?" he finally blurted.

Donna rolled her eyes. “Oh, God. Now I remember why I hate long car trips with you.” 

Abbey turned slowly in her seat to look at him. "Josh, tell me you did not just ask me a thinly veiled version of 'Are we there yet?'"

He managed to look sheepish and yet still way to much like a whiny 6-year-old. "No, I said, 'Are we almost there.' The two are completely different. The first one is a valid, adult question. The second is one that is often heard on family summer car trips when the parents are about ready to turn the car around and go back to wherever they came from."

"Yeah, Josh, just keep telling yourself that," Abbey said with a smirk. "But as luck would have it, and fortunately for Donna and me so we don't have to listen to your escalating whining, we are, in fact, almost there. The turn off to the house is coming up on the left."

Donna looked off to the left as their little caravan turned off the main road and headed down the gravel one that lead to the house's main gate. The metal pings of small pieces of gravel ricocheting off the underside of the car sounded as they drove down the road. Donna had never been out to the farm before. The closest she'd come was when they'd been campaigning for the Presidents re-election. But then she'd stayed in town with the rest of the staff at the hotel to help coordinate things. Josh himself had been to the farm on a number of occasions, although even he'd never spent the night there. "The scenery is so beautiful here, Abbey," Donna said. "How can you stand to be away from it so for so long?" 

"You know, it's funny. Sometimes, like when I was here with Zoey a few months ago, I didn't think I ever wanted to leave. And yet other times, especially when Jed and the girls or my grandkids aren't here, it seems really isolated and lonely to me," Abbey replied.

The lead Secret Service vehicle in their group had already radioed ahead and the main gate stood open for them so they could drive on through. A few minutes later, the large two-story, clap board house loomed up on their right. It looked less like a farm house and more like an older, well tended, stately, but incredibly welcoming house you might see in any mid-western town. The gravel drive wound its way up to the house where they stopped. 

Harley, being a dog and needing to do his doggie business, hopped out as soon as the door was open and made use of a nearby tree and then spent some time sniffing every inch of...well, everything. But he was sure not to stray too far from his human. He smelled all manner of interesting things, including squirrels and he wondered if the squirrels they had there were any sturdier than the last squirrel he'd tried to play with.

Being careful of her leg and with Josh at her elbow in case she need some support, Donna climbed gingerly out of the Suburban and, keeping one eye on Harley, took stock of her surroundings.

It was late afternoon and the temperature was already a little chilly and if she was out there very long she'd have to put on a jacket. She was glad that she'd followed Abbey's suggestion and packed warm clothes. The house itself sat up on a slight hill, just back from the gravel drive, a small stepping stone path connecting the two. Three steps lead up to a wide front porch. For the home of a sitting President it seemed almost....modest. A number of trees sat around it like silent sentinels, merely shading it and giving it some protection from the elements and not blocking it in. Nice but not ostentatious, the house clearly reflected the fact that Bartlets were regular people who just happened to be high up in the political landscape of the country. Donna mused that this house was also white. So the President lived in a "White House" no matter where he was. For some reason, she thought that was kind of funny but appropriate.

Turning, she did a slow inventory of the view from the house. What looked to be a good sized orchard, she seemed to remember that it was an apple orchard, sat off to the right and just behind the house. Directly across from the house, but separated from it by the gravel drive was a small lake. An old weathered dock stretched out over the water. She could see the President sitting on the end of it with Zoey or his grandson, fishing poles in their hands. Or the Bartlet daughters in their younger days, jumping off the end of it to swim in the water.

As she recalled, New Hampshire had very cold, very long winters. If that was the case, the lake most likely froze over in the winter. She wondered if the Bartlets had ever ice skated on it or if the President liked ice fishing. Although there were any number of lakes and ponds that froze over in the winter in Wisconsin, living in town as she had growing up, the only ice skating she'd ever done was in a climate controlled skating rink and while her father had liked fishing, he'd never been inclined to take her along. She had however, gone fishing with her grandfather on a number of occasions and had enjoyed it, or more accurately, had enjoyed the time with her grandfather.

Turning to her right, she saw that the gravel drive continued on from the house for a bit, then made a slow, wide turn to the right. Near the bend in the road is where she saw the barn.

Donna stood, looking at it for a minute. Waiting for some kind of reaction. Some kind of instant insight that would be like a puzzle piece falling into place for her memory. But none came. She did, however, have a vague sense of foreboding. A very slight throbbing began to beat at the base of her skull. It was almost like a faded mental "No Trespassing" sign. A posted warning that she needed to decide if she was going to heed or not. The problem was, she couldn't really see any reason for the foreboding. The barn didn't even look like the one in her nightmare. The Bartlets barn was whitewashed and well tended, not grey and weathered like the one in her nightmare. In fact, it looked more like a single-story house than a barn. The only things that gave it away as a barn were the wide, open doors that revealed the darkened interior and the long narrow shape and steeply pointed roof of it. Although she couldn't say why, she couldn't seem to stop looking at it.

Josh, who was still standing next to her, watched Donna stare at the barn. Although she hadn't said anything about LOOKING at the barn, Barbara had given them very clear instructions that Donna was not to go in or near the barn without her there and Josh had promised that he would see to it that she didn't. "Donna? You okay?" he said, touching her arm lightly. She startled a bit, her head snapping toward him. Her eyes were a bit dazed. 

"What?" she asked, blinking rapidly as if to clear her head.

"I asked if you were okay," he said, gently.

"Oh," she said, producing a small, slightly forced smile. "Sure. Of course."

Josh looked at her a moment, "Kay."

"You two ready to go inside?" Abbey asked them. Harley came bounding up at that point, panting and wagging his tail happily. He barked once in Abbey's direction. "Oh, I'm sorry, Harley. Are you THREE ready to go inside?" Harley's answer was to turn and head toward the house.

Josh held the front door open as Abbey, Donna and Harley entered. "Oh, Abbey. It's wonderful," Donna said, commenting about the interior of the house. In some ways it was very similar to the way they had decorated the Residence. With an understated and homey elegance.

"Oh, that's right. I forgot, Josh has been here but you haven't."

"No, I haven't. During the President's re-election, I stayed in town," she explained.

"Well, then let me give you the ten cent tour and I'll show your room."

Abbey showed Donna the house from top to bottom while Josh and the agents brought in the luggage and supplies from the cars. Everything was comfortable and welcoming. From the study to the kitchen, from the cheery sunroom to the living room, and ending with the upstairs bedrooms. All together there were four bedrooms and three bathrooms. Abbey, of course, would be staying in the master bedroom, with it's adjoining master bath. Josh would be staying in what used to be Liz's old room. Donna would be staying in the room between Josh’s and Abbey’s that had been Zoey's when she growing up and was still the one she used when she was at the house. Zoey had suggested to Abbey that she give Donna her room because it was the only other room, besides the master, to have its own bathroom. It was done in simple white wall paper with small yellow rosebuds on it and white furniture, curtains and accessories.

"Oh, this is a lovely room, Abbey. Thank you. You have such a beautiful home," Donna told her as they stood in Zoey's old room.

"I'm glad you like it, Donna. It's a place to hang our hats that's away from prying eyes and the public and the press. Plus there's a lot of fond memories in this house. We've lived here for a very long time. When we weren't in the Governor's mansion or in the White House, of course. The farm's been in Jed's family for generations," Abbey said, with a warm smile.

"Well, again, I just want to say thank you for letting me stay here. It means a great deal to me."

"You're welcome," Abbey said. "Now, where do you supposed Mr. Lyman and your luggage are?"

Donna smiled a bit, "It might take him longer than most people since he's not used to schlepping the luggage. Usually he makes ME carry it."

"Well, then he can see it as a character-building experience," Abbey said with a smirk.

Just then a number of thumps and curses could be heard coming up the stairs. "Geez, Donna, what the hell is in your luggage? Rocks?" Josh said as he came into the room, half pulling, half dragging her luggage.

"Yes, Josh. I decided to blow off bringing any kind of clothing just to have the satisfaction of giving you a hernia for having to carry my suitcases that I'd stuffed full of rocks," Donna answered.

"Ha, ha. Very funny," he said, tossing her bags onto the bed.

Abbey watched the two of them for a minute and tried to compose her words, "Hey, guys?"

They both turned to her. "Yes, ma'am?" Josh said.

"Um, I just wanted to take a second to address the sleeping arrangements." She paused to see if they had any comments or questions, which they didn't, and then went on. "From what I saw in the Residence and the hospital, I get the impression that you two have been staying close to each other at night."

"Nothing happened. I just can't sleep if he's not...close by," Donna tried to explain.

Abbey looked at them for a minute. "I figured as much. What I wanted to say was that I put you two in separate rooms because that way I can have plausible deniability if anyone asks and I can honestly say you two had separate rooms." She smiled a bit. "But just between the three of us, you're both consenting adults and what you do....or don't do, is your business. There's no press here and I won't give you a hard time about it. The same can't be said for my husband, however. Jed would probably tell the agents to throw Josh in the lake if he thought you two were sharing a room." She smiled a bit wider. "So if anyone, including Jed, asks, Josh, you’re staying in Liz's old room and Donna, you’re staying in Zoey's room. For everything else, the instructions are....deny, deny, deny."

*********

At about 9 pm that night, Donna sat on the front porch swing slowly rocking back and forth in the dark as she looked out over the lake. In addition to the jacket she was already wearing, a blanket was pulled around her, keeping her warm. The porch’s only illumination was the light coming from inside the house. After unpacking they'd had a light dinner, then she and Abbey had cleaned up the kitchen and started to work on a jigsaw puzzle while Josh had hooked up his laptop to check his e-mail get a little work done.

Eventually Donna had needed a break from the puzzle and had put on her jacket and grabbed the throw blanket of the back of the couch before coming outside to sit on the swing. Harley, now tired after doing some more investigating of their temporary home was lying on the porch just off to her left on a large ratty blanket, sound asleep. The night was gorgeous. Clear and crisp, she could only imagine how cold it might be to sit out here during the depths of the winter. 

Looking off to her right, she could just make out the outline of the white barn in the darkness. 'What secrets does it hold?' she wondered. And if she learned those secrets would she be able to deal with what she found? If the memory had been so terrible that her mind had chosen to bury it or forget it, what made her think that she was any more capable of handling it now? Her answer chose that moment to step out onto the porch. Although she couldn't remember what had happened in the barn, she knew without a doubt that she had been alone with the monster and the memories it had spawned. As her current visitor had reminded her on a number of occasions, she wasn't alone anymore.

"Hey," Josh said, slipping his hands in his pockets and shivering a bit in the chilly air. He was wearing a heavy sweater but no coat. Harley raised his head at the sound of his voice but once he saw who it was, he laid back down and went back to dreaming about squirrels that were sturdier and more resilient than the ones he'd come across so far.

"Why are you sitting out here alone in the dark?" Josh asked her.

"Just thinking," she replied, quietly.

He walked over the swing. "You know, you can think inside, too. It's freezing out here."

Donna snuggled into the blanket a bit more. "Oh, I don’t know, I'm toasty warm."

He watched her for a moment, knowing she wasn't ready to go inside yet. "Got any of that blanket to spare?"

"Oh, I think that might be arranged," she said with a smile, holding out a corner of the blanket to him and forming a small cocoon next to her.

Josh eased into the spot and pulled the blanket in around them. "Ooo, toasty," he commented. He could still feel Donna's body heat on the blanket. Plus there was the fact that he was pressed up against her pretty tightly to make the most of the blanket and their shared body heat.

"See, I told you," she replied.

"Okay, you were right." Josh shifted and slid his arm across her shoulders to bring them a little closer. 

She rested her head lightly on his shoulder. "I'm always right," she teased him.

He chuckled softly and rested his cheek on the top of her head, "Well, since that's true I won't try and argue with you." They fell into a comfortable silence for a few minutes as they continued to rock together in the dark. "So you want to share what you were thinking about?" he finally asked her.

She sighed softly. "Just what's ahead. About the barn mostly and what I might find there."

"You still scared?" he asked her.

"Yeah, but knowing you'll be there helps me be only scared and not bone meltingly terrified," she replied honestly.

He tightened his arm around her shoulders comfortingly, "Good, I'm glad." He paused. "It's natural to be a little scared. I mean it's something that's unknown. That's always scary."

"I suppose you're right." she commented. They grew quiet again. "It's nice here," she said a few minutes later.

"I never noticed before, but yeah, it is. I've never been here just to relax. My other visits have always been when we were in the middle of a campaign and going 300 miles an hour."

"Speaking of work, did you get all your e-mails taken care of?"

"Yeah, and I called to check-in with Leo. We went over a couple of things that are coming up, oh, and he told me to be sure and tell you he said hi."

"Oh, that was nice of him," she replied.

“Well, I think he’s feeling a little guilty about the Sydney thing.”

Donna snorted softly, “Yeah, because Leo is big on feeling guilty.”

“I suppose you have a point there. Maybe it’s more accurate to say that he is concerned that his encouragement of Sydney has added to some of the struggles you’ve had,” Josh tried to put it more tactfully. “And he’s not the only one....” he mumbled.

“Josh,” she said, sitting up and turning to look at him squarely. “Don’t do that,” she added quietly.

“What?”

“Don’t feel guilty about Sydney. I should have said something and besides, I don’t remember you ever being all that gung-ho about her.” She paused. “In fact, as I recall, you were the only one who wasn’t fooled by her. You saw right through her to me. I have no words to tell you how much that meant to me. In some ways, at least in the beginning, I think that’s what made it bearable for me to put her on. As long as you knew the truth, as long as you still saw me as ME and not as Sydney, it wasn’t all bad.” She reached for his hand, where it was holding the blanket together. “I need you, Josh. I mean I need ALL of you if I’m going to get through this. But if you’re all tied up feeling guilty then that part of you isn’t going to able to help me.”

He squeezed her hand, “I know. It’s just hard, what with me being the king of guilt and all.” He looked at her for a minute. Her face was luminous, even in the semi-darkness. The love he had for her threatened to choke him for a moment and he had to wait until it had passed to speak. “But don’t worry, Donna. You’ve got all of me. I’m not going to let guilt or anything else get in the way of that. I promise.”

“I know you won’t, Josh,” Donna said, softly.

“Whatever happens, whatever you remember or you don’t remember, we’ll face it together. Okay?”

“Okay,” she said with a smile, the determination in his voice bolstering her spirits and her courage. Laying her head back on his shoulder, they went back to rocking quietly in the swing and listened to sounds of the autumn night and Harley’s low but steady snoring.

TBC

********** 

Chapter 30 - MATURE

Sitting on the top step of the porch with Harley lying beside her, Donna sipped her mug of tea and watched the black sedan coming up the road. It was mid-morning on Monday and the dew hadn’t quite evaporated from the grass yet, leaving it with a faint glittering sheen. There was also a slight damp chill that still hung in the air. The sedan, driven by a Secret Service agent, pulled to a stop in front of the house. Abbey had arranged for the agent to pick Barbara up at the airport and bring her out to the farm. She was scheduled to take the return flight later that night. The car’s back door opened, and Barbara stepped out. Harley got up and trotted out to meet her. She greeted Harley with a good scratching behind the ears and she waved at Donna and then reached into the back seat and pulled out her tote bag. Since she wasn't spending the night, the tote bag was the only luggage she had. 

Sliding the straps over her shoulder she thanked the agent and walked toward the house with Harley in tow, “Wow, this place is amazing. Like something out of a New England postcard,” Barbara commented to Donna.

Donna stood to meet her, “I know, isn’t it great? This is the third day I’ve been here and I still want to pinch myself to see if I’m dreaming.”

Barbara climbed the steps to stand next to her. “So how are you?”

“Actually, I’m doing okay,” Donna said honestly. “I don’t know if it’s just because we’re out of the pressure of DC or because I left Sydney behind or because this is just such an amazing place, but I like it here. It’s very peaceful.” She paused, “But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about the barn. We’re going to explore it today, right?”

Barbara looked at her for a minute. “I want to talk to you a bit before we get to that. It’s a little chilly out here,” she said, rubbing her arms a bit. “Could we maybe go inside?” 

“Oh, of course,” Donna said, turning to go inside. She held the door open and Barbara and Harley walked into the house. 

Barbara smiled as she looked around the living room, “Wow, I think it’s even better on the inside. The Bartlets must have a good decorator. They’ve made it a nice blend of simple, country elegance and comfortable kitsch. Definitely looks more like a home that people actually live in than the museum I expected.” 

“Why, thank you,” a voice from behind them said. They both turned to see Abbey coming down the stairs. “I decorated it myself. Well, my daughters had some hand in it too.” Abbey smiled. “You must be Dr. Abbott.”

“Oh, please just Barbara. It’s a pleasure to meet you Dr. Bartlet,” Barbara said as Abbey reached bottom of the stairs.

Abbey walked over to them. “The pleasure’s mine, Barbara,” Abbey said as she reached out her hand. “And please, it’s just Abbey.” The two women shook hands warmly. “We don’t stand on formality here.” She paused for a moment, her gaze moving briefly to Donna then, back to Barbara. “I understand my husband and I owe you a debt of gratitude.”

Barbara frowned slightly. “Oh, why is that?”

“For not only helping Donna now but for taking care of her in the hospital.” Abbey glanced at Donna again and smiled softly. “She’s very special to us. We appreciate all you’ve done for her.”

“Oh, no thanks needed for that,” she looked at Donna, who, by now was looking a bit overwhelmed by both of their kind words. “She’s a remarkable young woman.” 

Donna felt the tears threatening to gather and a huge lump lodge itself in her throat. What these two women thought of her was important and to hear their kind and simple words was deeply touching. She had to swallow the lump in her throat before she was able to speak. “Um, since Josh is working in the study, why don’t we go in the sunroom?” she managed.

Abbey noticed Donna’s suspiciously bright eyes but didn’t comment, “I put a pot of tea and some refreshments in there for you two,” she told Donna. “Or would you rather have coffee, Barbara?”

“No, tea sounds perfect,” she replied.

“Great, well, I’ll I’ve got a couple of calls I need to make so I’ll see you a bit later. Oh, Barbara, would you like to stay for dinner? I understand your flight isn’t until 7:30 tonight. We’re having salmon.”

“That would a welcome change from the airport food I was planning to have. I’d love to stay, thank you,” Barbara replied.

“Great. Lunch is pretty informal around here. Whenever you’re ready for lunch Donna can show you where everything is. Just help yourself.”

“Thank you,” Barbara said. Abbey nodded and disappeared into the other room.

“I know you came here right from the airport. Do you need to freshen up before we start, Barbara?” Donna asked.

“No, thanks, I’m fine.”

“Well, then, come on, the sunroom is this way,” Donna said. Turning, she lead Barbara through the living room with Harley trotting quietly behind them.

“She’s very nice,” Barbara commented.

“Oh, you have no idea. The Bartlets are amazing and very kind.”

“I got that impression,” Barbara said as they crossed the room. “How’s Josh?” 

“He’s good. Kind of a cross between bored out of his skull and doing his best to enjoy a little time off. I think this is the closest thing to a vacation he’s had since he visited his mom for Thanksgiving 2 years ago. Actually he’s been really great about being here and not in Washington. Politics is his first love. He eats, drinks and sleeps it. I was worried that he’d be climbing the walls here by now, but since he’s been able to still do a certain amount of work he’s managed to stay out of trouble. He’s in the study right now trying to get some work done and figuratively holding Sam’s hand over the phone. This is Sam’s first full day filling in for Josh and I think he’s panicking a bit,” Donna said as they walked into the sunroom.

“What a wonderful room,” Barbara commented as Donna closed the door behind them so they’d have some privacy. The glass walled room was warm and inviting and contained white wicker furniture covered with comfortable cushions decorated in a lovely floral pattern. Even though it was chilly outside, the double paned glass kept out the chill while still allowing the gentle warmth of the morning sunlight to come in and keeping the room a very comfortable temperature to sit in. On a low white wicker coffee table in the center of the room, a large white china tea pot sat on a wide wooden tray containing all the necessary side items. Sugar, honey, cream, spoons, cups, and a generous plate of baked goods.

“Abbey and I spent yesterday afternoon baking. I figured it was the least I could do since you’re always bringing the refreshments to our sessions,” Donna told her as they sat down. Harley laid down by Donna’s feet. “My mom was a good cook but she never liked baking very much so Abbey was trying to teach me. We made chocolate chip, molasses, and shortbread cookies. They’re all good but I’d recommend the shortbread. They’re from an old recipe that’s been in her family for generations and they’re wonderful,” she said, referring to the baked goods.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Barbara said, pouring herself a cup of tea. She glanced up and over Donna’s shoulder. “Is that their barn?” she asked, referring to the large white building she could just see from her seat in the sunroom.

Donna turned and looked at the barn. “Yeah. They have a number of outbuildings and a stable for their horses but that’s the main barn.”

“Have you stayed away from it like I asked?”

“Yes, and even if I wanted to I couldn’t, Abbey and Josh are keeping a pretty close eye on me in case I’m tempted.” There was no anger or annoyance in her voice, she was simply stating a fact.

“Does that bother you?” Barbara asked taking a sip of her tea.

“No,” Donna said honestly, with a shake of her head. “I know they’re doing it because you told them to and because they care about me.”

“Does it bother you that I told them to keep you away from it?”

Donna poured herself a fresh mug of tea. “No, I know that you want to be here when I do go inside in case I have a nutty or something and to be honest, I want you to be here too.”

‘She’s already come a long way,’ Barbara thought. She knew that there would have been a time when being monitored even by two people, three counting Barbara, that she trusted as much as she appeared to trust Josh and Abbey, would have made her mad. It would have fed into her insecurity and her feeling of being a burden. “Good, I’m glad you want me there.” She sipped her tea, “Earlier, you said you were worried about the barn. Could you tell me some more about that?”

Donna held the steaming mug in her hands to warm them. “Well, when I said I was ‘worried’ I may have been understating it a bit. Scared senseless is probably more accurate. Scared, but determined to see it through.” 

“It’s okay to be scared. It’s good even. I think I’d be worried if you weren’t scared.”

“Knowing that you and Josh will be there with me, helps,” Donna replied.

“You want Josh to be there?” Barbara asked in a neutral voice.

“Yes, I....” She stopped. “Is that okay? Do you think he shouldn’t be there?” Her heart had picked up speed a bit. She needed to have him there.

“No, I didn’t mean that. Actually I think it’s good that he be there. It’s just that in the past you’ve mentioned not wanting him to be touched by what’s happened to you. So by you wanting him there now, it shows me how much you really trust him and how much you’re beginning to trust yourself and speak up for what you want.”

Donna’s heart settled a bit, “Oh...well good.”

“Does the Bartlets barn look anything like the one in your nightmare?” Barbara asked her.

Donna shook her head. “Not really. The one in my nightmare is grey and weathered and only about half that size.”

“Hmmm, I see,” Barbara replied, considering that. “Donna, I’d like to wait until Thursday for you to go into the barn.”

“Why?” Donna asked, curiosity tingeing her voice. “I figured you’d want me to just get it over with. Rip the Band-Aid off, so to speak.”

“I know that it seems logical to just get it over with. But today there are a number of things I want to talk to you about as a prelude to going into the barn. I want you to be in the right mindset when we take that step,” Barbara told her.

“But I’ve already been thinking about it,” Donna told her. Her voice was a little confused and impatient but not angry. “Isn’t that enough?”

“Well, that’s a start but I’d like you to humor me on this. I swear I wouldn’t ask you to wait if I didn’t think it was important.” Barbara replied.

Donna looked at her a moment and realized that in the short time she’d known her, Barbara had always had her best interests at heart. Deep down she knew that this was no different. “Okay, I guess I’ve waited this long, I can wait until you think I’m ready.” She picked up a shortbread cookie and took a bite. “So where do we start?”

“Well, first of all I want you to do more than think about the barn. Between now and Thursday, at least twice a day, I want you to lay down for about 15 minutes and practice your breathing exercises. While you’re doing that, I want you to actually picture yourself going inside the barn. What you think it might look like inside, the sights and the sounds and the smells. Sort of a mental practice run.”

“Okay, I can do that.”

“Good,” she said and took a sip of her tea and a bite of one of the shortbread cookies. Donna was right; they were terrific. “Now, have you had any nightmares since we talked?”

“No, none. I’ve actually been sleeping pretty well,” Donna told her.

“Has Josh been staying with you at night?” Donna had told her a while ago about the fact that Josh seemed to keep the nightmares at bay.

“Yeah, is that okay?” Donna asked, the trepidation in her voice evident.

“For right now, I think it’s a good idea. I know sleeping has been a problem for you and right now I want you to be as rested as possible. If you and Josh are comfortable with the arrangement then I think it’s best for the time being. But...there will come a time when we will want to try and get you to be able to sleep on your own. Okay?” Donna nodded an looked a bit relieved. “Now, have you had any bouts of anger or wanting to cut yourself?”

“No, but since I’ve been out of the hospital, things have been pretty quiet. I think sleeping better and having a break from Sydney has helped.” She paused. “And to be honest, I think it was easier to cut myself when no one knew about it. Now that people know, it’s harder because I know they’ll be disappointed in me if they find out I’ve relapsed, which, as you know, is something that I can’t stand.”

“Right, I know that’s something that would hurt you deeply,” Barbara replied.

Donna sat back in her chair, “Barbara, do you think that I can stop cutting just as quickly as I started? That maybe these two times were just isolated incidents that can be chalked up to the attack and all the stress of work and Sydney?”

Barbara didn’t answer right away. “Donna. You and I both know that these weren’t isolated incidents. This has happened before,” she said gently. “Hasn’t it?”

Donna blinked, “What....I don’t know what you mean?”

“What about the other scars on your legs?” Barbara asked softly.

Donna stared at her a moment, her eyes first going blank and then tearfully filling with fear. “How did you know?” she asked in a whisper. “How could you possibly know about that?”

“Well, the scars kind of gave it away,” Barbara replied gently. “Plus something your mother said.”

Donna looked confused. “My mother? How would my mother know I cut myself after what happened with Cliff?”

Now it was Barbara’s turn to look confused. “Cliff? You mentioned him before. Donna, who’s Cliff?”

“He was....” Donna stopped, then stiffened, “Wait. You weren’t talking about Cliff, were you? What where you talking about?”

“We’ll get to that in a minute. Who was Cliff and what happened with him to make you cut yourself?”

Donna looked at her, “I can’t. I thought maybe Josh told you about Cliff.” Although she could see now what a stupid assumption that was. “He doesn’t know about the other part. I promised Josh I would never say anything about the part he was involved in. He and I could both get in a LOT of trouble,” she replied.

“Donna...I already told you that anything you tell me is in the strictest of doctor patient confidentiality.”

“Even if it put you in contempt of Congress and me and Josh along with you?” Donna blurted.

Barbara looked at her for a moment, “I wouldn’t tell anyone. Not Josh, not the President, not Congress, not God himself could make me say anything about what you tell me.”

Now that she’d taken the top off the bottle, she realized she wanted to tell someone about what had happened that night after she’d gotten back from the meeting with Josh and Cliff. “I....” she began haltingly. “Cliff was a Republican lawyer that a friend fixed me up with on a blind date. When I agreed to go out with him, he worked in the majority counsel’s office in the House but by the time we went out, he’d been moved to House Ways and Means. Ways and Means was in charge of investigating the President and the White House when the information about the President’s illness was revealed.”

“Oh, and it was a conflict of interest for you to date him,” Barbara said, filling in the blank.

“Yes, and when Cliff found out who I worked for he rather abruptly ended our first date, although at the time I didn’t realize why,” Donna explained. “But he showed up at my apartment two days later to apologize and explain why he’d left so quickly.” Donna paused. “You know, looking back I don’t know how it happened or why. I knew it was a mistake. At the time, life was really stressful. It seemed like we were being attacked by everyone and we were all under a microscope. Cliff was cute and nice and I guess it was something similar to what happened when I came onto Josh recently. I wanted something to fill the emptiness, something to let me remember what it was like to feel normal again. He went to kiss me goodbye and the next thing I knew we were tumbling into bed. It was quick and he left right after, saying that we couldn’t see each other again. The bad part was I didn’t even have an orgasm and I felt worse after he left and not better.”

“Do you know why?” Barbara asked her quietly. 

Donna looked at her a moment, “Because it was wrong and because I knew that I had to tell Josh. Not about the sex part but about dating him. He would need to know in case anything happened.”

“And did you tell him?”

Tears swam in Donna’s eyes for a moment but didn’t fall. “Yes. The look on his face....” she couldn’t say the words.

“What? What was the look on his face?” Barbara urged her gently.

Donna’s eyes were unfocused for a moment as she was lost in the memory, then her tear-filled eyes focused back in on Barbara, “Angry, hurt and most of all, disappointed. I remember thinking that I would rather die than do anything to ever put that look back on his face because of me.” A tear trailed down her cheek.

“And that’s why you cut yourself that time?”

Donna laughed hollowly, “Oh, no. Not then. You know how there are times when fate turns around and kicks you when you’re down?” Barbara nodded. “Well, it just didn’t kick me, it DROP kicked me.” She paused and took a breath. “Before the President accepted the Congressional censure over impeachment, a few of us had to testify. I was one of the first. You’ll never guess who the lead counsel was for the House during my deposition.”

“Cliff?” Donna nodded. “Well, I agree that’s bad but how does that merit what you said about contempt of Congress? At worst it just sounds like a conflict of interest,” Barbara said.

“Wait, there’s more. One of the questions they asked, was if I kept a journal or a diary. And without even thinking I said no.” 

“But you did keep a diary,” Barbara said.

“I wasn’t trying to lie, I just didn’t see how it was relevant,” Donna told her. “There was nothing in it about the President.” Barbara nodded and Donna continued. “When I got back from the deposition, Cliff was waiting on my front step. He asked me why I lied about the diary. I denied that I’d lied and he said he knew I was lying because he’d seen the diary when he’d been in my bedroom.”

Barbara understood the ramifications and was horrified. “Oh, my God, Donna. What did you do?”

“There wasn’t much I could do. He threatened to reveal that I was lying and I asked him what he was going to say exactly? That he’d seen it when he was hunting around for his boxer shorts?”

“Wow, Donna. Good one,” Barbara said with a smirk. “What he’d say to that?”

“He didn’t seem to especially appreciate it. So I did the only thing I could think of, I told him he shouldn’t be there and we shouldn’t be talking and I went inside.” She paused. “But I knew that I had to tell Josh so he could protect the President and I knew that he would tell me what to do. And when I did, he was angry and disappointed all over again. It was worse that time, much worse, because he was already disappointed in me from before and we both knew that this time it could have affected the President as well. Josh could have hung me out to dry. He could have tossed me over to save himself and the President. But he took care of it. He fixed it quickly and quietly and made a deal that satisfied Cliff’s need to know what was in the diary.” She paused and lowered her head, “But it hurt our relationship for a long time.”

“And that was why you cut yourself?”

Donna looked up at her again, “Yes. After I got back from the thing with Josh and Cliff, I....it’s a little fuzzy, but...I was so angry at myself, the knife just seemed to appear in my hand and then it was done and I felt better. I remembered that night the first time I cut myself recently. I remembered how it seemed to release the anger and the pain.”

Barbara was quiet for a moment, “What thoughts were going through your mind that night after your meeting with Cliff and Josh?”

“I should have been more careful. It was all my fault. If Cliff hadn’t turned out to be a decent guy, I could have gone to jail, Josh could have gone to jail for helping me, and the President....it could have made things look very bad for the President. It was all my fault,” she repeated. “I’d become a burden. And to top it all off, I’d had sex with Cliff when....when...” The thought trailed off into nothing, although Donna didn’t know why.

“When what you really wanted to do was have sex with Josh,” Barbara finished.

Donna stared at her. “I didn’t....” 

Barbara’s eyes bored into hers. “Donna, we’ve already established that you had feelings for Josh. And from what I know about Josh he’s pretty dedicated to his job and the President. So if you were feeling the stress of that time, I know Josh had to be feeling it too. Are you telling me that you didn’t want to comfort him? That you didn’t want to temporarily take the pain away for both of you?”

She got up and walked to the window, “No....I.....”

“Donna...” Barbara said, softly, not moving from her spot on the couch. “Don’t you think that may be another reason why the sex with Cliff was so unsatisfying? Because he wasn’t Josh?”

Tears blurred Donna’s vision for a moment and she leaned forward to rest her head against the glass, “Yes,” she whispered, as the tears trailed down her cheeks. “I wanted to be there for Josh, with Josh, but it was...impossible.”

“And so you had sex with Cliff as a substitute, which actually, given the circumstances is pretty understandable,” Barbara said gently and with kind understanding in her voice. “And then it came around and bit you in the ass and made Josh get involved in something you didn’t want Josh anywhere near.”

“Yes.”

Barbara sighed, “Well, Donna you had every reason to be angry. Your mistake was turning all of your anger onto yourself. Yes, you made a mistake by sleeping with Cliff but you were human and you didn’t do it to hurt anyone. Fate just decided it was your turn to get a beating. And no, you shouldn’t have lied about the diary in the deposition, but I’m assuming that you had a damn good reason.” She paused, “There’s more to it than you just thinking it wasn’t relevant, isn’t there?”

Donna took a breath and raised her head to look out the window at the lake but didn’t answer.

“Donna, who or what were you protecting in the diary?” Although she thought she already knew the answer, she wanted Donna to say it out loud.

The answer was a long time in coming and it was a choked whisper when it did. “Josh,” she said, confirming Barbara’s guess. Donna sniffed, trying to keep the tears at bay. “Everything in it was about Josh. From the mundane to the stalker-worthy, was in there. When he first hired me, the shooting, his recovery, his PTSD and everything else. I couldn’t say things about them out loud so I wrote them down.”

Barbara sat back and sighed. “Wow,” she said. “Donna, if I haven’t told you before, I think you’re pretty amazing.”

Donna hadn’t been expecting that response and she turned to face Barbara. “What....why?”

“Don’t you see? By lying in the deposition, you were protecting Josh. Protecting him to the point where it could have cost you everything, including him. If someone did that for me, I don’t know what I’d do. That’s just...quite simply...amazing. Did Josh ever find out what was in the diary?”

“NO!” Donna replied. “And he’s never going to know.” 

‘Well,’ Barbara thought to herself. ‘I’d be willing to bet that even though he doesn’t know what’s in the diary, he probably had feelings for you even then or he wouldn’t have risked himself and the President to fix what happened.’ But she knew that Donna wasn’t in a place emotionally to hear that. “Okay. And as we discussed, he won’t hear it from me,” she said. Donna seemed to relax at her reassurance. “You want to take a break before we go any farther?”

Donna walked back over and sat down. “No,” she said with another sniff and wiped away the remaining dampness in her eyes. “Unless you need a break.”

“No, I’m good,” Barbara said. Pouring Donna a fresh mug of tea, she handed it and a tissue to her.

“Thanks,” Donna said with a tumultuous smile as she took them. She blew her nose and took a sip of tea to fortify herself. “Now if you weren’t talking about Cliff when we started this discussion, what were you talking about?”

Barbara looked at her squarely, “I was referring to the other scars on your legs. The ones from when you were younger.”

Donna frowned. “The ones from when I was younger?” 

Barbara watched as Donna’s eyes went blank just a little too long. “Donna? Donna, look at me.”

Donna’s eyes snapped back into focus. “What?”

“Tell me about the other scars on your legs,” Barbara repeated gently. “How did you get them?”

Her frown deepened and her head began to throb ever so slightly. “How did I get them? When...when I was twelve I.....I ran through a sliding glass door and.....” she trailed off and rubbed her temple. Things seemed to tumble over each other in her mind. It was the oddest sensation. As if she was seeing two versions of the same story. Both were fuzzy but the sliding door story was familiar and....safe. But the other one was.....floating quietly to the surface, almost like a dead body that’s released from its bonds at the bottom of a body of water will sometimes float to the surface. Donna wrapped her arms around herself, as if to ward off a sudden chill. “I ran through a sliding glass....” she said again, this time almost to herself. “I ran...” The more she said it the more it seemed to be less and less familiar. Then, as the other story cleared the surface, the sliding door story shattered into a thousand pieces, leaving only the other one as the true explanation. 

“Oh, God,” she whispered, in utter and complete horror and shock. Unconsciously, Donna’s hand moved to cover her mouth and her eyes slid closed. Tears began to run in a steady stream from under her closed lids and down her cheeks.

“Donna? What is it?” Barbara asked her gently.

Donna’s hand dropped from her mouth but her eyes remained closed and she spoke in a voice thick with tears. “I always said....I always thought....it was the sliding glass door.”

“But it wasn’t, was it?” Barbara said.

Donna’s eyes fluttered open and the tears continued to flow, making her eyes look huge and full of pain. “No, it wasn’t. I did it. I did it all. That’s when it all started. That’s when I started cutting myself.” 

“Yes, Donna. That’s right. You did,” Barbara said, handing her another tissue. “Okay, Donna, I think we need to step back here just a little. Why don’t you lay back and take some cleansing breaths.”

Barbara moved to one of the chairs so Donna could stretch out on the wicker couch. She watched as Donna wiped her face with the tissue, blew her nose and started her breathing exercises. It took a little while to bring herself under control. 

Donna finally opened her eyes but she didn’t move to sit up, “How did you know?” Donna asked her.

“When you were in the hospital Josh told me about the sliding glass door and I suspected that maybe something else was at work,” Barbara explained. “The cuts were too confined and too precise to be from running through a door or falling on some glass. Then when I talked to your mother she confirmed it.”

“She knew?” Donna asked. “I don’t remember her knowing.”

“Yes, she knew,” Barbara replied. “She said she even put a stop to it, but I suspect what she really did was cause you to hide it better.”

“I wasn’t trying to lie, you know. Until a few minutes ago, I honestly thought that I went through a sliding glass door,” Donna told her. 

“I didn’t think you were lying, Donna. I always say that you have to be aware that what you’re saying is not true to be lying,” she said, echoing words she told Josh the week before.

“But how could I not remember?” Donna asked her.

“The mind has an interesting way of protecting itself. In this case, I imagine the truth was too difficult and your mind constructed an alternate one and convinced itself that the new story was the truth.”

“But why did I remember the truth now?”

Barbara looked at her for a moment, “I could give you a long drawn out answer but the truth is...you remembered because you were ready to remember.”

Donna laid there for a moment and then chuckled. “You make it sound so simple.” 

“Well, on some levels it is that simple and on others it’s horribly complicated. The mind does things in its own time and in its own way.” She paused. “Donna, do you remember why were cutting yourself back then?”

Donna thought hard about it for a moment. Part of her hoped that the truth would surface like it had a few moments ago but she was disappointed. “No. I mean I remember being upset but not....about what.”

Barbara decided not to press that exact button any further for the moment. “Donna, do you mind if we switch channels a bit?”

“No, I don’t mind,” Donna said, sitting up and taking a sip of her now tepid tea.

“We’ve talked a bit about your mother but you’ve never mentioned your father. What’s your relationship with him like?”

Donna took another sip of her tea. “I’m not sure I’d go so far as to say it’s a relationship. He was never what you’d call an involved parent. I did my best to stay out of his way. It made life simpler all the way around.”

“Why? What would have happened if he thought you were ‘in his way’?”

“He would have gotten angry and annoyed and he would have started fighting with my mother and telling her she was a bad parent because she couldn’t keep me under control. Then, when they were done fighting, my mother would have gotten mad at me. It’s how things worked. Kind of the shit rolls downhill theory of parenting, with me being at the bottom of the hill,” Donna explained as if that was a perfectly normal answer. “It wasn’t like I was missing out on anything. My dad’s idea of a good time is a cold beer and a night in front of the TV or a night out with his buddies.”

“What did he do for a living?”

“He was a long haul truck driver. So there were long periods where he wasn’t home,” Donna explained.

“Did he ever hit you or hurt you?” Barbara asked, trying to find out if the abuse she suspected might have come from Donna’s father.

“No, my mother was always the disciplinarian and even she only slapped me a couple of times. She seemed to prefer the closet. I think she liked the out of sight, out of mind aspect of it. No, my father’s philosophy was that he’s the head of the house and that he kept control of my mother and it was my mother’s job to keep control of me.” Donna frowned. “Oh, except for one time.” Her frown deepened as she remembered. “God, I’d forgotten about that,” her voice was tinged with a touch of revulsion.

“What? What happened that time?”

Donna looked at her with dry but slightly angry eyes. “He just....he just hit me, that’s all. It was the only time he ever did.” Unconsciously she rubbed her cheek.

“Why did he hit you?”

“I don’t want....do I have to tell you?” Donna asked.

“No, like I keep saying you don’t HAVE to tell me anything, but I’d like you to tell me, it gives me a picture of your home life and what things were like when you were growing up,” Barbara told her.

Donna sighed. “I think I was about 14. It was a Saturday and I’d spent the night at a friends house for a slumber party. I wasn’t supposed to be home until after lunch but I’d kind of had a fight with one of my friends at the party and so I came home early. Mom was gone that week to visit her sister, but my dad was between trucking jobs so he was at home. My friends house wasn’t far so I walked home fairly early that morning. I had a my own key so I let myself in.”

She paused. “To get to my bedroom I had to walk past my parents’ room. I came upstairs and heard noises from their bedroom. I....they usually kept the door shut when they were in there but it was open this time. I tried to sneak past so they wouldn’t know I was home but something caught my eye. I hadn’t meant to stop in the doorway but my feet seemed to have other ideas. My father was there....he was....she....,” she felt a little nauseous by that point and took a deep breath to try and ease it. “He was having sex with someone. Someone who was not my mother. I didn’t mean to make any noise, I don’t REMEMBER making any noise but something made him turn and look and he saw me.” 

She laid back on the couch and tried to keep her breathing steady. “Suddenly my feet seemed to remember how to move because I remember running down the hall to my room. But he chased me and he was faster. He grabbed me by the ponytail to stop me, turned me around and shoved me against the wall. Then he backhanded me, hard. He said something to the effect that the hit would teach me not to spy on people and that if I ever told my mother what I’d seen he’d make me wish I were dead.”

Barbara let out a breath. Things had just been worse and worse in Donna’s young life. “Donna, after everything you told me I want to make sure...you know that’s not how families are supposed to work, right?” Barbara asked.

“Oh, of course. I know we were poster children for the dysfunctional family. Like I said, I did have friends. Friends who I tried to spend as much time with as possible so I didn’t have to go home and who had families that took trips together and went camping together and didn’t slam doors or scream angry words at eat other.” She looked at Barbara. “Or lock their kids in closets as punishment.”

Barbara nodded, “These parents of your friends, were they your only positive role models growing up?”

“No, there were my grandparents,” she said, a note of love evident in her voice.

After what Donna’s mother had said about her grandmother spoiling Donna, Barbara had been planning on getting to them anyway, so she encouraged Donna to continue. “Oh, tell me about them. Were they your mother’s parents or your father’s?”

“I never knew my mother’s parents. They died when I was only a baby. But I spent a lot of time with my father’s parents. They lived near us when I was growing up and since I always seemed to be in the way at home, my mother had no problem sending me over to their house.” She smiled. “My grandmother loved to sew and she would make clothes for me and my dolls and she’d play cards and games with me. My grandfather worked for the Post Office so I didn’t see him too much if I was there on a weekday, but sometimes he came home for lunch and he’d pick me up and give me a kiss on the forehead and he’d ask how his favorite granddaughter was. Then we’d have lunch and Grandma would cut the crusts off my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Grandpa would tell me funny stories and make funny faces. I had my own corner of the den, my grandmother even put up a little sign that said, ‘Donna’s Place’ and my grandfather made little shelves for me there to put things on. They told me that I could keep anything there I wanted to. Books and crayons and toys, pretty stones, pictures I’d drawn, anything I wanted. They gave me Zane,” she said, referring to the grey rabbit that was sitting on her bed upstairs. 

Donna paused as she remembered. “But what I really liked was when I got to spend the night at their house. My grandmother was a great cook and she’d always make something I really liked, like homemade macaroni and cheese or meatloaf. Then the three of us would wash the dishes and clean up the kitchen and then sit and watch TV. When it was time for bed they’d tuck me in and Grandpa would tell me a bedtime story and stay with me until I fell asleep.” She looked at Barbara. “It was all so....normal.” She smiled. Her eyes filled with tears. “I loved them a lot.”

“Where are they now?” Barbara asked gently.

“They both died in a car accident when I was 12,” Donna whispered painfully. “I miss them very much.”

Now Barbara understood. That was how Donna had most likely come out of such a bad home life largely unscathed. Her grandparents had been the surrogate parents she’d needed for a loving foundation. But she wondered briefly how such apparently nice people, like Donna’s grandparents, could have such a bastard for a son. Well, she knew that being a bad or unhappy person did not necessarily mean you came from a bad or broken home. Most of the time, if a child was caught early enough a huge change could be made in their lives with love and understanding. But there were times when people just seemed to be born to be mean or hateful or abusive and nothing in their lives was ever going to change them. “Donna, did they know how your parents were treating you?”

“I think so. I remember....I remember that when I was about 10, I heard my grandparents arguing with my parents one night after they thought I’d gone to sleep. Something about how they wanted me to live with them all the time but my parents said that I was their daughter and I belonged with them. I think my grandfather said something about an attorney but my father said they had no proof since no one had laid a finger on me and I had clothes on my back and food in my stomach and that if they tried to do anything, they’d never get to see me at all.”

‘So,’ Barbara thought. ‘Her grandparents had tried to get her away from her parents but failed.’ She also noted that Donna’s grandparents had died when she was twelve. It seemed like a lot had happened to Donna around the time she was twelve. From what her mother had said, Donna had also gone to the farm the summer she was twelve. “Do you remember what time of year it was when your grandparents died?”

Donna thought for a moment, “It was early in the year, in the winter. They hit some ice and their car skidded off the road and down an embankment.”

“How did your family react?”

“They were upset, in fact I think my parents seemed to fight more than ever after my grandparents died. But I seem to remember being more upset than anyone else. Well, except for my Uncle Tim. He was pretty upset too,” Donna said absently.

‘Hmmm,’ Barbara thought. ‘Here’s where we hear about the elusive uncle.’ She took a sip of tea. “You know, I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned your uncle. Can you tell me about him?”

Donna looked at her a bit blankly for a moment, “My uncle?” She blinked. “He was married to my mother’s sister, Ruth. They never had any children. I think my Aunt Ruth had some kind of gynecological problems and couldn’t get pregnant.”

“What was he like?”

“My uncle?” she asked again, looking a little blank. “He was.....he was nice enough, I guess. I don’t really remember him too much. I only saw him and my Aunt Ruth a couple of times. They died when I was....” she trailed off for a moment and rubbed her forehead again as her headache seemed to reappear. “13, I think.”

“How did they die?” Barbara asked, knowing that they were very close to something.

Donna’s eyes were a bit unfocused as she turned to stare at the distant barn and when she spoke, her voice was halting and quiet. “He died....they died....they....in a fire. I don’t remember the exact details. Something about my Uncle drinking and smoking a cigarette and there was a fire. My Aunt tried to save him or something and she was killed too.” She frowned suddenly and stiffened as another memory surfaced, only a flash really, appearing just long enough for her to understand it. “Barbara.....” she said in a voice tinged with shock and confusion as she continued to stare at the barn.

“Yes, Donna? What is it?”

Her hand covered her mouth in shock for a moment, then dropped to her lap. “My Aunt and Uncle. They had a....farm. In Iowa.” She paused. “My parents sent me there the summer right after my Grandparents died.” Donna tore her gaze away from the barn and turned back to Barbara. Her eyes were confused as she spoke, “There was a barn on their farm. A barn just like the one in my nightmare.”

**********

“And then the President will be meeting with the Chinese ambassador to lay the ground work for the upcoming trade talks scheduled for after the first of the year,” CJ told the press during the Monday evening briefing. “Yes, Katie?”

“CJ, can you tell me if there’s any truth the reports that Josh Lyman, Sam Seaborn and the First Lady were seen in the GW emergency room last week? And if so does it have any connection to the fact that Josh is now on a sudden and extended leave of absence and the First Lady is missing from the White House?”

If there was one thing that CJ prided herself on, it was the fact that she rarely let the press corps blindside her with questions or when they did, she was ready with a response that would somehow get her and, consequently the White House, out of trouble. But as she hadn’t expected this at all, she literally was speechless for a moment. When her brain picked up the ball, she had to punt and do what she didn’t like to do when talking to the press. Lie her ass off. “Wow, Katie, that’s quite the conspiracy you’ve put together there. But as we all know, Josh and Sam are hopeless when it comes to stealth, so lumping them into any conspiracy theory is a clue to the inaccuracy of your information.” ‘Well, that was saying a lot by saying nothing,’ CJ thought. 

“Then you don’t know anything about the other reports that Josh Lyman was also seen on the same day, entering the GW psychiatric ward and then visiting a room in GWs regular patient ward the next day? A room guarded by a plain clothes officer of an undetermined organization?”

CJ smirked and hoped it was somewhere near convincing. “And the conspiracy grows. It sounds like you’ve got your own personal X-Files script there, Katie.”

“CJ...” Katie said, a little exasperated.

“Well, Katie, from time to time we may all think that Josh is a little crazy but I don’t know anything about him being anywhere near the GW psych ward, the emergency room, regular ward, or for that matter, the grassy knoll.” She took a breath. “As it was announced, Josh, for reasons he did not care to share with me or anyone else except Leo McGarry, asked for and was granted a leave of absence. Sam Seaborn, who has recently returned to DC from California to start a law practice is filling in while Josh is gone because he knows the dynamics of the White House and the politics of DC. The First Lady decided to take some time up at the Manchester House to take care of a few personal matters, the details of which she also did not deem necessary to explain to me. It is a complete coincidence that Josh Lyman and the First Lady are out of the building at the same time.”

Danny raised his hand and CJ jumped on it as an opportunity to get off the topic of Josh and the First Lady. “Danny?”

“Do you know the whereabouts of Josh’s assistant, Sydney Collins? She seems to have disappeared about the time Josh allegedly started showing up at GW and now she’s apparently disappeared from the White House altogether. Care to comment?”

Two blindside punches in one briefing, she was definitely slipping. “Wow, I see that Katie isn’t the only one that’s caught conspiracy fever. What? Are you all drinking the same Kool-aid in the press room now?” 

“CJ......” Danny began.

“Yes, Daniel, I’d be happy to comment on your question. Sydney finally had enough of Josh’s tyrannical attitude and she quit to go back to California where she’s originally from. As I recall she’s planning to get her education credential and go into teaching third graders, which she said would be one step up from working for Josh.” CJ closed her briefing book. “Now, since you’ve all seemed to run out questions that don’t rate a visit from Mulder and Scully, that’s a full lid.” She picked up her notes and left the podium.

Toby was waiting for her in the hall. “Well, that was fun.”

“Yeah, just like getting a bikini wax.”

“Sounds about right,” Toby said, as they walked down the hall toward CJ’s office.

“Like you’d know anything about what that feels like.”

“I’m a writer, I can, you know, imagine,” he replied.

“I don’t think Danny will press for anything else on Sydney, he’s already lost the pool to see how long she’d stay. I think he just wanted confirmation so he could be sure I didn’t win,” she said as the two of them walked into her office. “BUT we’re going to need to work on a better story about Josh and the First Lady because the longer they’re BOTH gone, the more questions the press is going to have.”

“Yeah,” Toby said, as he closed the door to her office and they got to work.

**********

“Donna? Don’t you like your dinner? I could make you something else.” Abbey asked her as she watched the young woman push the food around on her plate. Ever since Donna and Barbara had finished their session, Donna had been withdrawn. She’d hardly spoken more than five words since they’d sat down to eat dinner.

“Oh, no, I love salmon. I guess I’m not hungry,” Donna said. “Actually, if it’s all right, I’d like to be excused.” So many things seemed to be going through her head right now. So much information. So many questions. Food and eating just weren’t big priorities at that moment. Today’s session has opened up more cans of worms than it had closed. Even though she hadn’t been able to remember anything more about her Aunt and Uncle or that summer she’d spent on their farm or their barn, she knew that’s probably where the answers to all her questions were. She just wished the idea of exploring that, of finding those answers, didn’t scare her so much.

“Are you feeling all right?” Abbey asked her.

“Yes, I feel okay. I’m just not hungry,” Donna replied quietly.

“Well, then of course you can be excused, Donna. Just put your plate in the in sink for me if you will,” she replied.

“Of course I will,” Donna said as she stood and cleared her place. “I’m just going to go lie on the couch and watch some TV if anyone needs me.” 

“Sure. I’ll come in and check on your a little later,” Abbey told her.

Harley trotted after Donna as she left the room. Abbey and Josh looked pointedly at Barbara, “Now you two can just stop looking at me like that,” Barbara said. “You know I can’t tell you what we talked about. Donna’s just dealing with a lot right now. Josh, I told you this would happen. She’s not going to get better overnight, but I swear to you both that in talking to her, she IS getting better and I have every reason to believe that she’ll come through this whole thing just fine. She may be a bit different when she gets there, no one could go through the attack she went through and not be changed by it, but she WILL come through it.” She took a sip of wine. “I also want you to know, and I’ve told Donna that I would be telling you this. Thursday, we’re going to be going into the barn. Now, I don’t know what’s going to happen when we do but in my opinion it will either be all or nothing. Either she won’t really remember anything new or she’s going to remember all of it. And if she remembers all of it, I imagine it’s going to be traumatic. I just wanted you both to be ready.” She looked at both of them. “Abbey, I think it would be better if you stayed here in the house and kept as many people as possible away from the barn.”

“I’ll tell the Secret Service to keep their distance,” Abbey replied.

“And Josh, I think it’s vitally important that you be there with her. She looks to you for support and strength and she’s going to need both on Thursday.”

Josh sat back in his chair, “She and I have already talked about it. Wild horses couldn’t keep me from being there with her.”

Barbara smiled. “Good.”

“Well, if you ladies will excuse me,” Josh said, standing up. “I think I’ll clear my place and go and check on her.”

“Of course, Josh.” Abbey said as he cleared away his dishes and disappeared into the other room to find Donna.

Abbey took the last sip of her wine, “So, Barbara, what made you want to change from neurosurgery to psychology?” Abbey asked her.

“Ah, you checked up on me,” Barbara said with a grin.

“Well, actually the Secret Service did, I just asked them for a copy of the report,” Abbey told her. “I hope that doesn’t offend you.”

“On the contrary, I assumed the Secret Service would do a complete and thorough background check and as for you wanting to read the report, I would expect no less from someone who cared about Donna, especially with all the difficulties she had with her former therapist.” Barbara finished the last of her salmon. After chewing it completely and swallowing, she spoke. “As for your earlier question, actually I see the field of neurosurgery and psychology as being the different sides of the same coin.”

She paused and took a drink of her wine. “For the most part, both deal with the intricacies of the mind. But when dealing with the mind, there is so much more to it than just neural pathways and blood vessels and brain hemispheres that you see as a neurologist. It’s also about emotion and personality, memory and pain and pleasure and love and hate. Although I found the medical and technical aspects of the mind interesting, the psychology of the mind I find utterly fascinating. And what’s more no two people are alike. Oh, everyone has two brain hemispheres and a brain stem and sets of blood vessels in the brain. But no two people have the same personality or the same psychological make-up. It’s never boring and never lets me be complacent. Plus the fact that I can help people that are really hurting.” She sat back in her chair, “Well, would you like some help with the dishes before I have that hunky secret service agent drive me back to the airport?”

Abbey grinned, “I’d love it.” The two women cleared the table and started washing and drying the dishes. 

“I assume you haven’t been doing much thoracic surgery while your husband has been in office, Abbey. Do you miss it?”

“Oh, I see someone has been doing some checking of their own.” Abbey smiled as she rinsed the soap off the plate and handed it to Barbara.

Barbara smiled as she took the plate, “Guilty. I tried to do a little background work on all the principal people in Donna’s life. Although it was no where near the scope and depth of the report I’m sure the Secret Service gave you on me.”

“I’m sure. The Secret Service is nothing if not thorough,” Abbey told her.

“Well, sometimes it can help me when I’m trying to decide how to approach someone’s therapy if I know all the players and what part they have in my patient’s life.”

“I can understand that,” Abbey said as she scrubbed lightly on a pan. “But to answer your question, I do miss surgery. Politics is so nebulous, nothing is black and white. It all depends on whose spinning what as to how things come out. I miss the order and the structure of thoracic surgery. When you’re operating on someone’s heart there’s very little ambiguity.”

“Excellent point,” Barbara agreed. “Are you planning on going back to it after you leave office?”

Abbey handed her the now clean pan and watched at Barbara dried it. She wouldn’t normally say such things, such intensely personal things, to someone she didn’t know that well, but this woman had done right by Donna and there was a certain level of trust she seemed to foster, plus the fact that she was a doctor and would understand what was involved. Leaning a hip against the counter, Abbey said what was on her mind “I don’t know. Part of me would like to, but as time passes, Jed’s MS is likely going to come out of remission and he’s going to need me. Which, all things considered is not a big sacrifice on my part. In a contest between my medical career and Jed, he wins every time.”

“You love him very much, don’t you?” Barbara said quietly.

“Very much.” Tears swam unexpectedly in Abbey’s eyes. She smiled and turned back to the dishes. “Of course we argue and occasionally fight and he makes me want to deck him once in a while but then he does something or says just the right thing or looks at me in that way that he reserves only for me and I remember why I married him and why I’ve put up with all the crap and the campaigning and all the difficulties that a life in politics has brought us.” She paused as she washed out the last glass. “In a way, I’m looking forward to the end of his term and getting my husband back. Of course, I’m going to have to get him a hobby or within a month he’ll probably make me insane by being underfoot but I still wouldn’t trade it for anything.”

Barbara was quiet for a moment, “So do you have any insight into our two friends out there?” She said jerking her head toward the living room.

“Josh and Donna?” Abbey asked. “Yeah. He loves her and she loves him. I knew it from back during first campaign. At first he didn’t realize it, jackass was in denial most of the time and I think he used the fact that he’s her boss as an excuse because what he felt for her scared the crap out of him. I think her attack shook him up and really made him realize how much she means to him. Of course, he still can’t tell her how he feels because of what she’s going through right now. As for her, at first I think it was more of a crush than anything else but after he was shot, I think she fell for him, hard. You could see the pain in her eyes when she sat with him in the hospital. If he’d died, I think she’d would have followed him. She also used the fact that he’s her boss to keep them apart. To this day, I look at them together and it’s like seeing two halves of the same whole. I never saw two people who belonged together more. Well, except maybe me and Jed.” Abbey said with a smile. 

“Well, I’m a great believer that things happen in their own time and I firmly believe that their time is coming.”

Abbey pulled the plug on the drain and looked at her for a minute. “You’re worried about Thursday and the barn, aren’t you?”

Barbara sighed. “Without going into it, I think it’s going to come down on the traumatic side and it’s going to be bad for her. I think, no, I KNOW, that she can get through it but the initial trauma is going to be severe. I don’t like to see anyone go through pain, but in this case I think she has to face what’s coming if she ever wants to be whole again.” Barbara smiled at Abbey, “But she’s got one big thing working in her favor, she has all of you to support her.” 

Abbey glanced at the clock above the kitchen doorway. “Oh, we’d better get you on your way or you’ll be late for your plane.” Abbey ushered her out of the kitchen.

“Thank you for your hospitality, Abbey. It’s been a pleasure meeting you and being here,” she told Abbey as they walked to the living room where they presumed they’d find, Donna and Josh and where Barbara had also left her bag.

A roaring fire was blazing in the wide living room fireplace and the TV was on and turned to CNN but the sound was turned down low enough so that it could just be heard over the crackling of the fire. Except for the fire and the low sound of the TV, the room was quiet. A huge sectional sofa wound through the room, but from the back, Abbey didn’t see anyone sitting on it. She leaned over to see if they were sitting on the floor and smiled. She motioned to Barbara who leaned over as well. She too smiled at the scene.

Josh and Donna were stretched out together on the deep cushions of the couch. Josh was lying up against the back of the sofa on his side watching TV. Donna was on her side, facing him, her head resting on the front of his shoulder, her face buried against his neck, sound asleep. His arm was thrown securely around her waist, making sure she didn’t roll backwards off the couch. Their legs were comfortably tangled together. Harley lay on the floor between the couch and the large coffee table, also sound asleep. As he saw them, Josh raised his finger to his lips to tell them to be quiet, so they didn’t wake Donna.

Abbey and Barbara both waved to him in understanding and after picking up Barbara’s bag, walked to the front door. Abbey smiled as they stepped outside into the cool night air. “See what I mean? Two halves of the same whole.”

TBC


	7. Broken Glass: Chapters 31-35

**********  
Chapter 31 - MATURE

Abbey sat playing cards at the dining room table. It was mid-morning on Tuesday and she’d just finished talking her with her office on some lingering issues, including the questions that CJ had gotten during the evening briefing the day before. Breakfast had been a quiet affair. Donna was still being quiet and introspective, but Abbey took it as a small victory that she’d gotten her to eat a piece of toast and half an apple and drink a cup of tea. Josh had read the paper at the table and gone through 2 cups of coffee and a large bowl of cereal without breaking a sweat. Being away from DC had done nothing to dampen his appetite. Currently, he was in the study, finishing up senior staff, which he’d been attending via speaker phone. Donna, needing some fresh air, had taken Harley for a walk.

Giving up on her current game, Abbey swept up the cards and dealt out a new hand of solitaire. Hearing footsteps, she looked up to find Josh standing in the doorway. “Hey, Josh. How’d staff go this morning?”

“Fine,” he kind of half grumbled, bouncing in place a bit. He was the perfect picture of excess energy. “Just wish Sam wasn’t so good at doing MY job.”

Abbey tried to hide her smirk, “A case of the pupil surpassing the master?”

“Something like that,” he grumbled. “Do you know where Donna is?”

Abbey turned over a card, “She took Harley for a walk.”

Josh walked over to the window and looked out. It hadn’t taken long for the rest of the summer green to disappear from the landscape. Now everything had been completely painted by the colors of autumn and a continual brisk snap seemed to hang in the air. With the leaves already beginning to fall, soon even the autumn colors would be gone. Winter usually came early and stayed late in New Hampshire. Since they’d planned to stay at the farm until just after Thanksgiving, they were almost assured to have at least one snow fall while they were there. “It’s pretty cold outside, did you make sure she was bundled up before she went out?”

“No Josh, I let her go out in her underwear,” Abbey replied as she played another card. “Yes, of course I made sure she was dressed warmly. Which was actually unnecessary because she’d already taken care of it herself, since she’s over the age of 3. She’d even put a sweater on Harley.” She glanced up at him as he stared out the window. A hint of a frown had crossed his features. “Stop worrying, Josh, she just went for a walk. I have a feeling she’s just trying to clear her head a bit.” 

“Yeah, I know, I’m just not sure how straight she’s been thinking these last few days. She’s been so quiet, it’s a little unnerving. Even when she couldn’t speak she still talked to me more than she has since yesterday,” he tried to shake off the feeling of overwhelming concern he had for her and turned around to look at Abbey. “What are you doing?”

Abbey looked up, a card in her hand. “I’m knitting a sweater, Josh, what does it look like I’m doing?”

“What are you playing?” he asked walking over to stand next to her.

She sensed Josh was bored and was about to take it out on her. “Well, I’m playing cards...by myself. So one could rightly assume that I’m playing Solitaire.”

“Oh,” he said, looking down at the cards. “You missed a play. The red jack could so on the black queen.”

“Did I not mention the part about playing by MYSELF?” she said, still trying to not let him annoy her.

“Just trying to help,” he said. “Where’s your shuffle and discard piles?”

“It’s not that kind of solitaire, Josh. There are a number of variations and this one is called Yukon solitaire. You deal out all the cards and then you play them.” She moved a run of cards.

“Hey, that’s not a fair move. You’re cheating,” he said before realizing that he was taking his life in his hands by calling out the First Lady, when keeping his mouth shut would have been much wiser.

Abbey counted to 10 before she answered. “Not in Yukon solitaire. Because you don’t have a discard or a shuffle pile you’re allowed to make plays like that.”

“Ah-kay,” he said skeptically. Sensing that his life would be in jeopardy if he continued he did a slow circle around the table and then began to pace slowly in front of the window so he could watch for Donna. “Cause I’ve never heard of Yukon solitaire, are you sure you’re not making it up....”

“God, Josh are you kidding me with this?” Abbey said, exasperated. “Even if I did, which I DIDN’T, what does it matter?! I’m playing solitaire and I didn’t ask for your opinion or your critique of my playing. Don’t you have anything better to do? Can’t you go find a Secret Service agent to torment or something?”

“Well, that probably wouldn’t be a good idea, since they’re armed.”

“I should be so lucky,” she mumbled. “Don’t you have a meeting or a call or some kind of work you should be doing?”

He rocked on his heels, “No. Staff is done. Leo’s in the Oval with the President. Sam and Toby have taken care of everything else for the moment. I don’t really have anything to do.”

Again, Abbey tried to hide her smirk. Josh had just made a HUGE tactical error. When you tell someone that you have nothing to do, especially after you’ve just done your best to annoy them, you’re almost assured that you will get something to do that you’re going to despise. It’s how she taught the girls and Jed to be sure and find ways to entertain themselves. And here Abbey thought this was going to be quiet, boring morning. Things were definitely looking up. This was going to be fun. She had just the job in mind for him. “Okay, well then,” she said, standing up from the table. “I’ve got something for you to do. You know when my kids lived here they all had chores. I think it’s about time I assigned you yours.”

Josh realized his blunder immediately, “But....”

“No, ‘buts’ Josh, get your coat on and meet at the back door. And remember, I have armed guards at my disposal and they won’t be happy if they have to come looking for you.”

**********

Donna and Harley made their way up the main road toward the house. The walk had been uneventful, well, for her anyway. Harley had found all kinds of interesting things to investigate. She’d hoped that the brisk temperature and fresh air would help settle her but she only felt mildly better. Everything in her still felt stirred and mixed up. There was so much going on inside her, she was finding it a bit hard to focus on anything. The only things that kept surfacing were her Aunt and Uncle and their barn. The problem was that the reason they kept surfacing was because she couldn’t remember much more than the fact that she had an aunt and uncle and they had a farm and a barn. It was like she was standing in a room devoid of light and the exit sign right in front of her face but she couldn’t see.

The mild headache she’d had since her session with Barbara didn’t help either. It was throwing her system off and leaving her just slightly nauseous. Then again, she felt that way when she was coming down with something so she wasn’t sure what to blame it on. It only added to the feeling that she didn’t really know what was going on inside her.

Walking up the stone path, she and Harley neared the house. She was about to start up the front porch stairs when she heard the distant sound of voices coming from behind the house. Changing direction, she walked around to the back side of the house. As she rounded the corner she stopped in her tracks. 

Josh was standing in front of a knee-high tree stump, with Abbey standing back about 20 feet watching him, her arms crossed, her expression committed. On the stump stood a smaller wooden log that was about as big around as a man’s thigh. Josh’s jacket was lying on the ground a few feet away, the sleeves of his flannel shirt were rolled up and a slight sheen of sweat coated his forehead. The head of a long handled axe rested next to Josh’s foot and the handle was gripped loosely in his hand. If ever she saw a recipe for disaster, this was it.

“Come on, Josh. I know you can do it this time,” Abbey was telling him.

“Mrs. Bartlet,” Josh said in exasperation. “We’ve been out here for 20 minutes and I have yet to actually HIT the log.”

“Yes, but last time you hit the stump so you’re closing in on it. Now, try it again.”

“But I’m getting a blister,” Josh whined.

“Well, that will teach you not to annoy me in the future. Tomorrow I’ll find you some gloves but today you’ll have to make do without,” Abbey told him. 

“TOMORROW?!”

“Yes, Josh, tomorrow. This is your daily chore now, not a one-time thing.”

Donna smiled in spite of herself and she walked over to them. Hearing Josh and Abbey arguing had lifted her spirits just a bit. When everything else was confusing and unsure, she could still count on Josh being....well, Josh. It was the one constant in her universe. “Josh, what am I going to do with you? I leave you alone for five minutes and you still manage to get in trouble.”

Josh blinked at her, a little surprised to hear her not only speaking again but bringing the banter. Then he frowned, wondering how he’d got himself into this situation. “I....she....”

“Hey, don’t put this on me. I was playing cards and minding my own business when you came and started harassing me,” Abbey commented. She was also glad to see the walk had apparently done Donna some good.

“After the two cups of coffee he had this morning I was a little worried that he might get a bit out of hand. We’ll have to switch him to decaf,” Donna said.

“You should have heard him. Accused me of cheating at solitaire and then told me that he didn’t have anything to do, so I decided I’d keep him out of trouble and out of my hair by giving him some chores,” Abbey told her.

Donna looked at Abbey, “But are you sure that giving him a chore that involves him swinging a sharp metal implement is the best idea? He can be a little on the clumsy side.”

“I’m a surgeon. If he cuts off any appendages I can sew them back on. But I do think that after we get him started, you, Harley and I would be safer in the house,” Abbey said.

“HELLO! I’m standing right here!” Josh told them.

Abbey looked at him, “Yes, Josh, and that’s the problem. You’re just STANDING there. You’re not DOING anything. Your chore isn’t done until this log and these other two are split into quarters,” she told him.

“But....” He looked at the two of them. Donna had also folded her arms and was standing next to Abbey and watching him expectantly. “Okay...fine,” he grumbled, knowing he was out numbered. He picked up the axe and wrapped both his hands around the handle.

“Wait!” Donna said, suddenly. She reached down and snagged Harley’s collar so he wouldn’t get curious and move too close. “Okay, go ahead.”

Josh sighed and tightened his grip on the handle. Now that Donna was watching he didn’t want to make an idiot out of himself. He took a step back and rested the blade of the axe on the top of the log to try and get a bead on where he had to hit. Taking a deep breath he pulled back on the axe and concentrated on bringing it back down in the right place. Pausing slightly at the top of the arc, his arms flexed and, straining to keep control of the axe, he brought it back down. And by some complete miracle split the log cleanly in two. It was a toss-up as to who was the most surprised that he’d managed to do it. 

Donna and Abbey started clapping. “See?” Abbey said. “I knew you could do it.”

“HA!” he said with a big, dimpled, self-satisfied grin. “And you say I’m not an outdoorsman!” he said to Donna, his chest puffed out with pride.

“Bet you can’t do it again,” Donna teased him, knowing he would rise to the challenge.

“On the contrary, now that I know the rudiments, I will be able to do it without any trouble.” He swiped his palm across his forehead to clear away some of the sweat. “You see, Donnatella, that’s what us outdoorsmen do, we chop wood, we ford streams and clear the land. We are what made this country great.”

Donna rolled her eyes and looked at Abbey. “He splits one log and thinks he’s a cross between Davey Crockett and Daniel Boone.” She turned back to Josh, “Just hit the thing already.”

Josh, now feeling cocky with the headiness of his successful last swing, set half of the newly split log on the stump and made the same motion of resting the head of the axe on the log to get a good bead and then he drew it back. The only problem was that this time one of his hands, the one with most of the grip on the handle, was damp with the sweat he wiped off his forehead. As the axe came to the top of the swing and he shifted his weight and started to bring it back down, gravity took over and the axe slid backwards out of his hands. It fell to the ground about 4 feet behind him with a thud.

“Well, that was predictable,” Abbey said, dryly.

Donna coughed hard to cover the laugh that wanted to escape. 

Josh looked at the axe in stunned embarrassment. ‘Well, he thought. ‘So much for the not looking like an idiot in front of Donna.’ Still, he enjoyed the fact that Donna seemed entertained and was bringing the banter for the first time since her session with Barbara. Even if it was at his expense. He had big enough shoulders and a big enough ego for that. “Okay, see I know what happened there,” he said, retrieving the axe from the ground. “My hands were wet from wiping my forehead and the axe slipped. It’s as simple as that.” He wiped his hands on his pants to make sure they were dry and then just to be sure there was no residual wetness on anything, he wiped the axe handle off with the corner of his flannel shirt.

“My idea about being safer in the house is sounding better and better,” Abbey said with a smirk.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Donna said, getting her ‘coughing’ under control. “I’d kind of like to stay here and see if he can do it.”

“Thank you, Donna. I appreciate you confidence in me. It’s nice to know that SOMEONE has faith in me,” he said pointedly at Abbey.

“Josh, if I didn’t think you could do it I wouldn’t have given you this job to do. Now, get a move on, I want to pick some apples from the orchard to make a pie for dessert tonight. But if you keep me out here all day supervising, it will never get made.”

The thought of fresh apple pie was good motivation for Josh. “Okay, here goes.” He gripped the axe firmly, set it on the half log and pulled back for a swing. This time the axe came down in the right place but only split the log about 3/4 of the way down. Raising the axe, which was now wedged tightly into the log, about a foot, he brought it back down and split the log the rest of the way. Another big grin split his face and brought out his dimples.

“Okay, I’ve seen enough, you’re doing fine. I’m off to pick apples,” Abbey said. “Donna, you better stay here and keep an eye on him to make sure he finishes all three logs. If he impales himself or cuts anything off, direct, firm pressure is the best,” she said with a snicker as she turned to go in the house to find a basket to put the apples in.

**********

A cold, steady rain fell on the roof as Josh and Donna lay in bed. Both thought the other was asleep but in reality, neither of them was doing much sleeping. It wasn’t the fact that the room was dark that was keeping Donna awake. As long as Josh was there, she’d been able to start sleeping with the lights off again. No, Donna was still awake, simply because her brain was too full of thoughts and questions to shut down and let her sleep. Among other things, she was thinking about the fact that tomorrow was Thursday and the day they would be going into the barn. That unknown was enough to keep her awake all by itself. Josh, on the other hand, who was sleeping above her covers but under a blanket of his own, as was their habit, was just a touch too cold to fall asleep. He thought about getting up to get another blanket, but didn’t want to disturb Donna by moving around. Without meaning to, he shivered slightly.

“Josh,” she said, quietly. “You awake?”

“Yeah,” he replied.

“I thought I felt you shiver.”

“I’m a little cold. I was just thinking about getting up to get another blanket but I didn’t want to wake you,” he told her.

“You know, Josh, I realize that you started sleeping on top of the covers so you didn’t crowd me or make me feel uncomfortable after the attack, but at this point it’s kind of silly for keep doing it. I mean, it’s cold here and we’re both fully dressed and there’s no one here to say there’s anything wrong with it and it’s fine with me if you do.” She paused. “I trust you,” she said softly into the dark. “And besides, it’s my fault you have to be in here, sharing a bed with me when you could be warm and cozy in your own room. I feel bad that you have to sleep on top of the blankets. Don’t you think you’d be more comfortable under them?”

Josh was quiet a moment as he considered that. He was cold and he would be warmer and more comfortable under the covers. And while he had enough self-control to know that he could be under the covers with her and do nothing more than hold her, he knew it was going to be tough. Because, after all, he was human and she was beautiful and he was in love with her. It would test any man’s resolve. But she needed a friend now more than a lover and he’d be satisfied, no, not satisfied, happy, he’d be happy to be there for her in that capacity. “You sure?” he replied. “I don’t want it to be....a thing.”

“Yes, Josh. I’m positive. Now get under here before you really start shivering,” she told him in a voice that made it clear she didn’t mind.

“Ah-kay.” Throwing back his blanket, he slid into bed next to her. “Ooooo, it’s much warmer in here,” he said, settling the covers back over them. As naturally as breathing, Donna snuggled in close to him adding her body heat to the layer of warmth he felt under the thicker set of covers. He slid his arm over her waist and their legs tangled together as if they’d been sleeping like this for ages. “I didn’t wake you earlier, did I? With all the shivering?”

“No, I was just lying here, thinking about tomorrow,” she answered.

“Yeah, big day. You know Barbara did say it’s possible you won’t remember anything,” he said, trying to be hopeful.

“That’s just it, Josh, I’m not sure which would be worse. If I remember, at least I’ll know what happened. I’ll know what’s behind everything. Even if the truth is horrible, at least I’ll know. If I can’t remember, I’ll still be left with the same questions, the same blanks that have no solution.” She paused. “You remember when you made me watch ‘JAWS’?”

“Hey, I didn’t MAKE you watch ‘JAWS,’” he pointed out. “We agreed that we’d each pick a movie and then we both had to watch what the other picked out. You picked, what is the scariest chick movie ever, ‘Thelma and Louise’ and I picked ‘JAWS.’ The scariest, you know, regular movie ever, except for maybe “The Shining,” which you made me promise I wouldn’t pick.”

“Okay, Josh, first of all, ‘Thelma and Louise’ is not a scary movie,” she argued. “It’s a cautionary tale.”

“Oh, and what tale is that?”

“Men can only push women around so far before we snap,” she explained.

“So watching half naked Brad Pitt having sex with Geena Davis didn’t enter into your rationale for wanting to see it?”

There was a little pause, “Well, that might have had a TINY bit to do with it, but still.”

He chuckled a bit, “Yeah, that’s what I thought. You know, maybe ‘JAWS’ is a cautionary tale too.”

“What possible cautionary tale could it be, except maybe not to go skinny dipping in the ocean at night?” she asked.

“Yeah, because a bathing suit would have protected the girl in the beginning. Look, ‘JAWS’ is a classic tale of man vs. nature, a modern day telling of Hemmingway’s ‘The Old Man and The Sea.’ It’s very existential.” 

“Did Sam tell you that?” Donna knew that Sam was a movie freak. If he ever wanted to chuck his law career and the fashion consultant thing didn’t work out, he could easily find work as a movie critic.

Josh paused. “He might have mentioned it.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought. So what you’re saying is watching the naked girl in the beginning or the scantily clad women in the beach scenes, didn’t have anything to do with you wanting to watch it?”

“She got eaten, Donna. It wasn’t like she had sex with the shark or something.” He paused. “Plus it was dark and you really don’t see that much of her and the other girls really aren’t that scantily clad,” he mumbled.

‘Hmmm. Shark sex, now there’s a mental image I’d just as soon not have rolling around in my brain,” Donna said. There was a pause before they both started laughing softly. When the laughter faded, they were left with the sound of the rain, continuing to pound on the roof above their heads. “I really did have a point when we started this discussion,” she said, after a moment.

“That would be a refreshing change in one of our discussions.” When she didn’t reply, he knew her point was a lot more serious than the two of them arguing about movies they’d seen. “I’m sorry. What was your point?”

“It goes back to what I was saying about tomorrow and not remembering.” Her voice was quiet and serious now. “I want to remember, Josh. Both what happened during the attack and what apparently happened when I was younger. I know people don’t always believe me when I say that....”

“I believe you,” he told her quietly. He reached out and took her hand in his. “I’ve believed you all along.”

She squeezed his hand, “I know you have, and I thank you for that.” She paused. “Sam told me once that he saw an interview that Steven Spielberg did about making ‘JAWS’ and he said that when he did the first few takes of the shark he thought that the whole movie was ruined because the shark looked so fake. It looked 100% like some clunky, rubber, mechanical shark. He figured NO one would be scared of it. So he said the trick was to only let people get tiny glimpses of the shark. Just enough that they knew it was there but not enough they would see it was a horribly bad imitation. That way it allows the mind of the person watching the movie fill in the blanks and makes the terror more real.” She paused and for a moment, the falling rain was the only the sound in the room. “Right now I’m scared because I’m only seeing glimpses of my past. I’m hoping once I remember and I see that it’s only a big rubber shark, I’ll be able to get on with my life. But either way, I have to know.”

Josh thought about mentioning that in most horror movies, the time to worry was when you actually SAW the monster, but he kept it to himself. He squeezed her hand again, “Then we’ll do everything we can to help you find those answers.”

They laid there together for a few minutes, just holding onto each other and listening to the rain. “Did I ever tell you how I got Zane?” she asked him.

“No, I don’t think you did. I know he’s named after Zane Grey, one of your grandfather’s favorite authors.”

“That’s true,” she paused. “My grandparents got him for me when I was about 8 or 9 I think. I was staying over at their house one night and there was a terrible storm. Thunder and lightning and rain and wind. I was terrified. I remembered laying there curled up in bed and trying not to cry but not being able to help it. Just about the time I got up to go out to the living room where my grandparents were watching TV, the power went out. My grandmother was lighting some candles as I walked into the living room. My grandfather took one look at me standing in the edge of the living room and he scooped me up told me there was nothing to cry about.” She paused for a moment as she remembered. “He told me that thunder was just God moving the furniture around in heaven. And the lightning was just God shining his big flash light around, looking for his children that were lost in the storm. He also taught me how to count the time between bolts of lightning so I’d know now close or far away it was. Then he told me that what I really needed was a friend to keep with me always, someone who wouldn’t let me be scared or lonely. So the next day, my Grandma took me to the toy store and I found Zane.” 

She stopped talking, but Josh had a feeling she wasn’t done, so he remained silent. “You’re like my human Zane, Josh,” she said, quietly. “You’ve seen me through so much.”

“That’s what friends are for Donna,” he said, ignoring the little twinge that went through his chest at the idea that she, indeed, only saw him as friend and nothing more. “Don’t forget about all things you’ve seen me through. I think it’s safe to say that we’ve both done our share of being there for the other and I’d be willing to bet that’s going to continue into the foreseeable future.” His comment was met by a copious silence. “Donna?” he said softly, wondering if she’d finally gone to sleep.

“I’ve been remembering things, Josh. Little things. Like cutting myself when I was young,” her voice trembled a bit and she felt him pull her closer. “It’s part of the reason I’ve been so preoccupied since Barbara was here on Monday.” She paused again. “There are some bad things in my past and I think there are more waiting for me in that barn. Things that make me wonder if I’m not way more screwed up than I thought. I want to know the truth. I NEED to know the truth. But what I don’t know is whether or not I’ll be able to handle the truth.” Her voice broke at the end.

Josh’s heart ached for her, for what she was forcing herself to face. He pulled her in tight to him and felt her warm, quiet tears on his neck. “We’ll deal with whatever comes. Whatever you find out, we’ll face it together.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 32 - ADULT

“Donna, won’t you at least drink some tea?” Abbey urged as they sat in the kitchen the next morning. “It will help settle your stomach.” Josh was in the study, talking to Leo and Sam about some things and generally clearing away any business he had for the day so when Barbara got there shortly and they headed to the barn, he’d be able to concentrate on Donna.

“I’m not sure there’s enough tea in the world to do that,” Donna said quietly. She looked at Abbey for a moment. “If I haven’t said it lately, Abbey, I just want to say thanks for letting me be here.” She smiled slightly. “And for putting up with Josh. I don’t think I could do this without him.”

Abbey got up and added water to the tea kettle which she then put on the stove. “Oh, Josh isn’t so bad. He has his moments, but I think after the cards and his new chores, we’ve come to an understanding.” Now it was her turn to smile softly. “Actually he reminds me a little of Jed when he was younger, except with more energy. I swear Josh has more energy, excess energy, than anyone I’ve ever met.”

“That’s one reason why I always try and keep him occupied. Josh and bored do not go well together,” Donna said, trying to humor Abbey by taking a small sip of her tea. Her stomach was in knots this morning and her headache was worse than ever. She’d thought about trying to take something for it but a was a little afraid it wouldn’t stay down. She’d take something after they got done in the barn.

Abbey and Donna heard footsteps coming toward the kitchen and they turned to see Josh walk into the kitchen. He was wearing brown work boots, well worn jeans, a white thermal undershirt and a blue and green plaid flannel over shirt. “Hey,” he said as he walked over to Donna.

“Hey,” Donna replied quietly.

He laid his hand gently on her shoulder. “How you doing?” 

“Wishing today was over,” she replied, honestly. She’d thought about going out in front to wait for Barbara like she’d done on Monday, but she just couldn’t do it. She recognized that at it’s best it was a form of procrastinating and at it’s worst it was plain old denial, but she couldn’t help it. Dressing the part has been about all she could manage. At the prospect of being outside for a while, she’d dressed warmly in jeans, tan hiking boots, a gray turtle neck and a heavy grey fisherman’s sweater that Abbey had lent her. Her hair was loose and down around her shoulders. 

“I’ll bet,” he said.

Just then the door bell rang startling Donna badly and making her jump. Her hand jerked, causing a large amount of the tepid tea in her mug to slosh over the rim and onto her hand and the table. “I’m also apparently a little jumpy. Sorry,” she told Abbey, looking at the mess she’d made.

“No harm done,” she said, setting a roll of paper towels next to Donna. “Besides, I thought we agreed there would be no sorrys while you were here,” Abbey said, pointedly. The doorbell rang again. “I better go and let Barbara in before she wears her finger down to a nub from ringing the bell.” With that, Abbey left to kitchen to answer the door.

Donna looked down at her hand and the pool of tea for a moment, she knew she should be wiping it up but she only looked numbly at it for a moment. Gently, Josh pulled the mug out of her hand and set it in the sink and then tore off some paper towels. Silently he wiped off her hand and the table. “Why don’t you wash your hands?” He suggested softly.

She looked up at him, “Josh, you have to promise me something.”

“What?” He asked, knowing he probably wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Promise me that you won’t let me back out of doing this.”

“Oh, Donna, please don’t make me promise that.” He knew how hard this was going to be for her and in some ways he WANTED her to chicken out. All he wanted to do was keep her safe from anything that caused her pain. How could he promise to make sure that she did something that would most likely bring her nothing but pain?

Her eyes pleaded with him. “Josh, please. I need your help. I need to see this through. Don’t let me back out.”

He watched her for a moment. When she looked at him that way, he could deny her nothing. It was the same look she’d given him that the day they’d met and she’d all but pleaded with him to let her stay and show him she could be valuable. In his heart he knew that she needed to do this and he needed to help her all he could. But it didn’t mean he had to like it. “All right, I promise not to let you back out,” he told her quietly. They stared at each other for a long moment.

“Look who I found hitchhiking out in front of the house,” Abbey said as she walked back into the kitchen, with Barbara following right behind her.

“Hey, guys,” Barbara said as she walked in. She kind of had the impression that she’d walked into the middle of something. “How’s it going?”

Donna seemed to recover first. “Fine,” she said trying to smile convincingly as she got up from the table to wash her hands. 

“Hey Barbara,” Josh greeted her as he threw the soggy paper towels in the trash. “How was your trip up?”

“Uneventful. Had a little bit of turbulence coming up but nothing severe. And I had my favorite Secret Service hunk to pick me up at the airport so it was worth it,” she said with a grin. “It looks like you got quite a bit of rain last night. Everything’s so wet and muddy outside.” The tea kettle began to whistle.

“Yeah, it poured all night,” Abbey said as she pulled the kettle off the stove and snapped off the burner. “Would you like some tea, Barbara?”

Barbara looked over at Donna, who’d moved to stand next to Josh. “No, I think I’ll wait on the tea. I’m guessing Donna would like to get started.”

In a quiet show of reassurance, Josh’s hand moved a few inches and clasped Donna’s in his. It gave her the extra spark of courage she needed to find her voice. “Yes, I’d like to get this over with.”

Josh’s move had not been missed by Barbara. “Okay, then let’s get to it. Abbey, did you talk to the Secret Service agents?”

Abbey leaned against the counter and nodded. “Yes, as soon as they see you three heading for the barn they’ll pull back.”

“Good,” she said, turning back to Donna and Josh. “Then why don’t the two of you get your jackets on, because it’s pretty chilly outside.”

The two of them nodded and headed for the mudroom off the kitchen where their jackets were hanging. They dressed in silence. Josh pulled her jacket off the peg first and helped her into it. She wrapped a pink scarf loosely around her neck while he put his own coat on.

Josh reached out and lightly flung an end of the scarf over her shoulder, “Ready?”

“No,” she said, her heart beating fast now and the bile in her stomach was plotting the best way to revolt. “I think....I think I changed my mind.”

Josh looked at her a moment, not really sure if she was just testing him and his promise or if she was really deciding to back out. Either way, his duty was clear. “Donna, you can do this. I know you can. Remember what you said about needing to do this no matter what? Well, now’s the time.” She still looked skeptical and scared. “Look Donna, I’m not Barbara but I know that there’s nothing in that barn except what you take with you.”

His words had broken through her panic attack, and she smiled ever so slightly, “What, are you Yoda now?” she said, referring to the scene in where Luke asks Yoda what’s in the darkened cave and he replies, ‘Only that which you take with you.’

“Do or do not, there is no try,” he said with a smile, relieved that she didn’t seem so upset now. “It’s your own fault for giving me the Star Wars Trilogy on DVD for my birthday.” Then he sobered. “You CAN do this,” he repeated simply. “I’ve never seen you back down from something you really wanted or you really believed in,” he told her. “I don’t think you’re going to start now.”

She looked at him for a moment and nodded to tell him she was okay now. “Okay,” she said, letting out a breath. “Then let’s go before your Yoda wisdom wears off and I change my mind.”

“Come on,” he said, taking her hand again and walking into the kitchen. Barbara and Abbey looked up as they walked in.

“Okay, I’m ready,” Donna said, praying she was right.

**********

The sky was a patchy blue and the air was fresh and cool but heavy with the dampness from the heavy rain the night before as they stepped out onto the front porch. Water was still dripping intermittently from the corner of the eaves as the rain continued to drain off the house. The ground was wet and soft and the grass was slippery beneath their feet as the three of them stepped off the front porch steps and walked quietly to the barn. Abbey was keeping Harley with her in the house so he didn’t follow them. 

Donna’s sense of foreboding grew exponentially as they neared the barn. It made her want to turn and run but she squeezed Josh’s hand for courage instead. He glanced at her and squeezed back, trying to reassure her as best he could. The large white doors to the barn stood all the way open revealing the dim interior beyond. At least the upper hayloft doors were closed so the barn didn’t have the “face” look of the one in her dreams. She had to keep reminding herself that no black tentacles would be coming out to pull her inside and that she would be walking in under her own power, of her own free will.

“Donna? What are you feeling right now?” Barbara asked as they neared the barn.

“Scared,” she replied. “I’m just remembering what happens in this part of my dream.”

“Okay, stop a minute,” Barbara asked. The three of them stopped. “Tell me what’s usually happening right now?” They’d talked about her dreams before but usually Donna couldn’t remember most of the details. Barbara hoped that it boded well that she seemed to be remembering things from her dream. Maybe it meant that her mind was finally ready to remember what had happened in the barn when she’d been a child as well.

“I’m walking down a road and there are rows and rows of corn stalks as almost as far as the eye can see,” Donna said, then she paused as a piece of a memory flashed through her. “My Aunt and Uncle grew corn on their farm,” she said, looking at Barbara, who nodded. “It’s a warm summer day but, I’m cold.” She paused, and turned to look behind them. “There’s a little dog. A little black and white dog, he follows me around a lot.....” she said remembering. She flinched hard as a name appeared in her head. “Pepper, his name was pepper. For salt and pepper because of his color.” She frowned, “He belonged to my Aunt Ruth. Uncle Tim didn’t like him very much,” she said slowly. “He said he was yappy and always underfoot and liked to scare the chickens and wasn’t big enough to protect the livestock.”

“Stay here with us, Donna,” Barbara said, gently but firmly. “They’re just dreams and memories, they can’t hurt you now.” She paused until she felt Donna had a bit more control. “Now, tell us what else happens in your dream?”

Donna looked at Barbara and nodded then she glanced at Josh, her eyes clear and focused. Then she turned back to the barn and they went a little dazed as she looked at it and began seeing more of the scene in her dream than the scene that was really in front of her. Her voice was far away as she spoke. “I come around a corner and see the gray weathered barn. I’m scared and I remember that I don’t like the barn, the barn is a bad place. A dark place. The main door and the two hayloft doors are open, making it look like the barn has a face. I turn to run but the ground starts moving, pulling me toward the barn and then these black things, tentacle things come out of the doors and grab me and pull me inside.” She focused on Barbara again, “There’s something inside, waiting for me. A monster.”

“Josh and I are right here with you, Donna.” She paused. “How about we go inside and see what we can do about killing the monster?” Barbara said.

Donna looked from her to Josh. He squeezed her hand again and nodded. She looked back at Barbara. “Okay.” 

Letting Donna set the pace, the three of them continued to walk toward the open barn door. Their steps slowed as they reached the door. Barbara and Josh let Donna go in a step ahead of them.

Donna stood, just inside the door, allowing her eyes to adjust to the dim light. The first thing she noticed was the shadows. It wasn’t black inside but there were many shadows that she could swear were watching her, or something IN the shadows was watching her. A fluttering sounded over her head and she looked up to see a number of birds nesting in the rafters above her head and joining them was what looked to be a sleeping owl. Slipping her hand from Josh’s she walked forward a few steps and into the center of the barn. There were other sounds in the barn. The sounds of their feet scraping across the dirt floor. The hay rustling slightly as a large tan barn cat emerged from one of the stalls and crossed Donna’s path, carrying a hapless and now dead mouse in its jaws. 

Then there was the smell. Barbara had pointed out that after what had happened in the Oval Office with the President’s cigarette, smell seemed to one of Donna’s triggers, which was logical, given the fact that smell was also the sense that was most closely tied to memory. The smell of the barn was earthy, an unmistakable combination of the scent of hay, the underlying scent of manure and the natural musky scent of the animals kept there.

As the smell of the barn wafted through her nose and her brain identified it for what it was, a terrible bolt of pain slammed through her skull making her flinch and suck in a hard breath and the memories, long buried, began to sputter to life like old neon signs. As she did a slow, horrified turn to see the entire interior of the barn, the memories seemed to fill every corner and area of the barn. Rushing in on her, they all began to play at once, like movies playing on invisible screens, overlying the present with the past. It was almost too much to take in. Too much to process at one time. “Oh, God,” she whispered.

Josh took a step forward but Barbara laid her hand on his arm. “Wait, give her a minute.”

It was all there. Every moment, every trick, every humiliation, every moment of abuse was laid bare as if she were experiencing it all over again. Uncle Tim at her grandparents’ funeral; he was the only one who had comforted her. He’d talked her parents into sending her to stay with him and Aunt Ruth for the summer. In the beginning things had been good, better even than they’d been at home. She missed her grandparents terribly but Uncle Tim listened to her and said he understood and didn’t tell her to be quiet. 

It had been subtle at first, a hug here and there. Maybe his hands had gone under her clothes a bit but it didn’t mean anything. A kiss now and then. She hadn’t thought anything about it, except that Uncle Tim was nice. After all, she’d reasoned, hugs and kisses were good. Wasn’t that something she’d loved best about her grandparents? That they’d given her frequent hugs and kisses? Of course theirs hadn’t been on her stomach or on her neck, but he was just playing, right? He wasn’t an ugly, scary stranger who was hurting her. They were friends and he was the only one who understood how much she missed Grandma and Grandpa. At first she hadn’t noticed that Uncle Tim always waited until Aunt Ruth was gone on errands or visiting family to give her the hugs and kisses. But it didn’t take her long to figure it out.

Then the secrets had started. At first it had been innocent. “Here’s a piece of candy, don’t tell Aunt Ruth or she’ll be mad. Don’t tell Aunt Ruth we went out for hamburgers while she was gone or we’ll get in trouble.” It was almost a game then. Aunt Ruth, being Mama’s sister, had a similar temper and so Donna wanted to be around her as little as possible anyway. In any case, being at the farm with Uncle Tim to talk to, room to run, fields to play in and the animals to pet was better than going home, so had no complaints. 

Then it had escalated. “Don’t tell Aunt Ruth that I hurt Pepper. It was an accident and I didn’t mean to do it. You don’t want me to get in trouble do you? We’ll tell Aunt Ruth that he ran away. But don’t worry, Pepper won’t suffer. I’ll take care of it.” The snapping of Pepper’s neck echoed once again through her mind the same way it had the day that Uncle Tim had “taken care” of Pepper exactly as she’d remembered in her dream. 

Then it had been one short step to, “Don’t tell Aunt Ruth that I like to touch you. She’ll think it’s your fault. I don’t want you to get in trouble.” And “If you don’t touch me the way I want I’ll tell Aunt Ruth that you’re the one hurt Pepper. She’ll believe me and not you. And if you don’t do what I want I’ll tell your Mama and Daddy that you liked Grandma and Grandpa better than them.” She’d told him that in the beginning when they’d had their talks about her Grandparents and how much she’d missed them. She didn’t like the way he touched her and she didn’t like the way he wanted her to touch him. It felt wrong and sometimes he’d get this sticky stuff on her and for reasons she didn’t know, she’d want to shower with gallons of hot water and rub her skin raw until it looked almost like she was sunburned.

Things had quickly gone from bad to worse. One afternoon, when Aunt Ruth had of course been gone, he’d called her into the barn and shown her the book he’d been reading. ‘The Joy of Sex.’ At the time she’d had no concept of what was going to be in the book. Slowly smoking a cigarette, he’d flipped through some of the pages, showing her the pictures. She’d felt really strange looking at them, and not in a good way. She remember asking him why people would want to be in all those strange positions, doing whatever it was they were doing. He said it was because it felt good and he said that one way to show someone you like them is to make them feel good. 

Not understanding where he was going with his comments, she wanted nothing more than to leave. But when she tried to tell him she was going to go for a walk in the fields or play with the cows, he’d told her he wanted her to wait for just a bit. The inevitable question about didn’t she like him came next. What could she say? By then she really didn’t like him anymore but he was still the only one there that was nice to her and she really didn’t want to go home now that the haven of her grandparents was gone. So she’d said yes she liked him and of course his reply was to ask her if she would help him feel good by doing some of the things in the book. Even though she was twelve that had set off every alarm bell in her body and filled her with the urge to run and never look back. She’d told him she didn’t want to and begged him to not to make her but he’d said they’d just do it that once. And of course when that didn’t work he’d used the same veiled threats he’d always used to get her to cooperate. Still not understanding what she was agreeing to, she’d given in so he’d leave her alone.

It was the pain she remembered the most. The pain and blood and the image of him looming over her like an evil giant. He hadn’t needed to cover her mouth to stifle her screams and her cries. Aunt Ruth was gone. There was no one to hear her but him. A tiny analytical part of her now supposed that he’d enjoyed her cries, like he’d heard them as cries of ecstasy and not the screams of the twelve-year-old child he was raping.

Aunt Ruth had returned that evening so she’d had a reprieve from any further ‘special secret times.’ For the couple of days after, it had hurt to walk and it hurt to pee and she’d washed the blood out of her underwear until it stopped so Aunt Ruth wouldn’t see her underwear and know what she’d let Uncle Tim do to her. She knew it was her fault. She should have run or hidden or said ‘no’ louder. There must have been something she could have done to prevent it.

At that point, it had gotten so bad, that she’d called and begged Mama to let her come home. Mama had said no and told her to stop being a homesick baby. She’d wanted to tell Mama what was happening, but she knew she would never believe her. When she’d hung up the phone, part of her had crawled away into a dark place where no one could hurt her. A place safe from Uncle Tim and Mama. A place where memories of her grandparents continually played on the wall like home movies of better days.

Knowing now that she had another month to stay at the farm, hope ebbed out of her and when Aunt Ruth left the next time she’d resigned herself to what was going to happen. Although she tried to stay away from him, he always seemed to find her, and he would take her back to the barn. She told herself that she only had to survive until she could go home, so she didn’t protest or cry or even scream when he was hurting her. She did as he asked so he’d leave her alone that much sooner. 

When she’d finally been able to go home, and her mother picked her up at the bus station in Madison she’d asked Donna if she’d had a good time at Uncle Tim and Aunt Ruth’s. Everything in Donna wanted to tell her the truth, wanted to tell her what had happened. But between what Uncle Tim had said about no one believing her and the fact that half the time her mother thought she was lying anyway, she’d simply replied that it was fine. Her mother had smiled then and said that was good because she and her father had decided that Donna should spend every summer at the farm with Aunt Ruth and Uncle Tim. Somehow, Donna had managed to make it home before being violently ill at the thought of going back. She knew then that she’d kill herself before she ever let them send her back.

Donna, the woman, stood in the middle of the Bartlets’ barn locked in the prison of her own memories. She was vaguely aware she was no longer twelve but the feelings and memories were so vivid and so strong that she might as well have been. Everything churned inside her. She remembered the mute horror of watching Pepper take his last breath. Felt her Uncle’s mouth and hands on her, inside her. Heard his threats as he coerced her and his grunts as he pounded into her. Felt the fresh sting of tearing, searing pain in her body as it protested the way it was being treated. She felt sick and dirty and guilty and ashamed and small and hopeless and like she wished she were dead. How much was she going to be asked to endure? First the attack and now this? Or was it first this and then the attack? The two things seemed so tangled up in each other that she couldn’t seem to separate them anymore.

Josh watched Donna as emotions akin to raw, stark horror chased across her face. Her skin drained completely of color and then slowly took on a grayish-greenish cast as if she was going to be sick. She swayed and took a stumbling step backward, her eyes lost and glassy. He didn’t care what Barbara said, he had to go to her. Shaking off Barbara’s hand on his arm, he started forward and touched Donna on the shoulder.

Her reaction was violent, she jerked back from him, “NO! Don’t touch me!” she screamed, not really seeing him. To her, at that moment, he was a specter from the past. “Don’t ever touch me again!” She stumbled backwards away from him.

“Donna,” Josh said, quietly. “It’s okay. You’re okay, we’re here with you.” It seemed to have no effect and she continued to back away, looking very much like a cornered animal. Her eyes darted around looking for an escape.

Now Barbara came forward. “Donna!” she said, firmly trying to get through to her. It was obvious she was having the whopper of all flashbacks. “Donna! Listen to the sound of my voice! You’re okay. You’re safe. I need you to come back from wherever you are. Whatever you’re seeing, it’s not real, it’s only a memory. No one is going to hurt you.”

But Donna didn’t hear it, the roar in her ears was too loud, the pounding of her own heart too fierce. Taking another step back she stumbled over something and fell backwards, sitting down hard on her butt. Instinctively Josh and Barbara rushed forward to see if she was okay and help her up. They were silhouetted in the light coming in from outside, which from Donna’s position on the ground rendered them more in shadow than substance. It lent to the memory image of her Uncle looming over her and it only added to her already staggering terror. She scrambled back a little away from them. “NO!” she said, with a cry and not a scream this time. “Please,” she begged in a voice like a child’s. “Please, I don’t want to. Not again. Please, don’t make me.” Her voice broke into sobs. “It hurts. Please don’t hurt me.”

Josh’s heart broke for her, for the trauma she was reliving. “Donna, no one is going to hurt you,” he said, with infinite tenderness and patience. “It’s over. You’re safe.” He held out his hand. “Just take my hand and whatever it is, we can work on it together.”

Something about his voice, the tender tone of it, chipped away as her horror. She blinked hard and looked, really LOOKED at the face looming over her. It wasn’t Uncle Tim, her terror frozen brain began to realize, it WASN’T Uncle Tim. This wasn’t even Uncle Tim’s barn. It was...it was the barn on the Bartlet’s Farm in New Hampshire. Harley and Abbey were in the house and....and....Josh. She blinked hard again. Josh was the one standing over her with his hand held out and concern marring his forehead and Barbara....Barbara was standing next to him.

On one level it was a relief to emerge from the tidal wave of memories but it still left her feeling dirty and ashamed and unworthy for anyone to care about her. They were going to want to talk about it and she didn’t want to talk about it, ever. She wished for the memories to go back to the dark black pit they’d come from but they still hovered in her brain, waiting to envelop her again. She needed to move, to think, to find a way to deal with the memories that were even now landing to dig their talons into her brain and make themselves a permanent fixture in her consciousness.

Josh saw the recognition come back into her eyes and let out a breath he’d been holding, “That’s right, Donna. It’s me, Josh. Barbara’s here too and we want to help you.”

She had to get away, seemed to be the overriding thought. Getting quickly to her feet, which surprised both Josh and Barbara, Donna moved sideways and away from them. A small side door stood off to her left and in a burst of speed she ran for it. She could hear them calling her and pounding through the barn after her but she didn’t care. Shoving it open, she flung herself outside and slammed it shut. A small piece of wood that could be turned to keep the door closed and the animals in the barn was there and she snapped it over the edge of the door just as she heard them pounding on it. Backing away, she turned and ran for the house.

Josh thought about kicking the door down but then remembered the main barn door was still open. Turning on his heel he ran for it and tore out into the yard, with Barbara on his heels, just as Donna ran by headed for the house. Putting on a burst of speed, he ran after her. “DONNA! DONNA, WAIT!” She didn’t even slow down but he was quicker and began to close in on her. He considered trying to tackle her but was afraid she’d get hurt and he assumed the violence of such a thing would do nothing to help the situation. With an extra sprint, he managed to grabbed her arm and hold onto it. Almost instinctively she turned and struck out at him. He saw it coming and caught her wrist before she could slap him. “DONNA! Calm down! You have to calm down!” he said, breathing heavily. He heard Barbara come to a stop behind him. Donna still struggled in his grasp.

“Let me go!” she demanded.

“No! Not until you calm down. You’re going to hurt yourself,” he told her.

Donna looked at him for a minute and stopped struggling, wishing she could accept or even be worthy of the concern or the comfort that was in his eyes. But there was no way. It was hopeless. She didn’t even deserve him as a friend, this stain was too ugly for even her to bear, how could she ask it of him? When she’d stopped struggling, she’d he felt his grip relax as bit and now it was all the opportunity she needed. Jerking her arms free she shoved him backwards, hard. The slippery wet grass and the slight slope they were on made his feet come out from under him and he and Barbara, who was standing right behind him, went down. Without waiting a beat, Donna turned and ran for the house. 

Racing up the porch, she flung open the front door and pounded up the stairs and down the hall to her room. A plan was already forming in her mind. She could hear them coming not far behind her. Acting on instinct, she ran into her bedroom and slammed the door, snapping the lock into place. It wouldn’t hold them for long so she moved to the waist high dresser and with a little effort she shoved it over and in front of the door. She could hear Josh’s voice and his pounding on the door. His voice was soon joined by others and it felt as if the whole world was trying to get in. This of course did nothing for her panic. She ran for the bathroom and slammed the door closed, being sure to lock it as well. The she did what she’d been needing to do since the flood of memories had started, she was retched violently and painfully into the toilet.

“DONNA! It’s Josh. Donna open this door!” he said, as he pounded on the locked bedroom door. Worried that she might hurt herself badly, his heart was racing. He had to get inside.

“Josh! What the hell is going on?” Abbey said from behind Barbara who was standing next to him.

“It’s Donna, she’s locked herself in,” Josh said.

“Things did not go well in the barn,” Barbara said. ‘Understatement of the year,’ she thought.

Abbey saw their faces and needed no further explanation. “I’ve got the keys to all the rooms in my bedroom.” She turned and hurried down the hall.

“Donna please open the door. We only want to help you. Please. You’re scaring me, Donna,” Josh pleaded.

“Donna! Donna, it’s Barbara. We just want to talk. Please open the door.”

“Here, stand aside,” Abbey said a moment later, when she returned with a key ring. “Jed and I had these made in case one of the girls locked themselves out of their room.” She slid the key in the lock and turned it. There was a click of the locks opening and she turned the knob. Unfortunately, the door only opened about an inch. Just then two Secret Service agents came up the stairs.

“Is everything all right, ma’am?”

“Yes, just wait there, I’ll let you know if you can help,” Abbey told them.

“What the hell?” Josh said, trying to push the door open farther. “I think she shoved the dresser in front of the door.”

“Maybe if you all push together,” Abbey said. Signaling to the agents they came forward and together with Josh they put their shoulders into it and with the added steady pressure the door gradually slid open enough that Josh could slip inside. Barbara and Abbey followed. 

“Thanks, guys. Now wait here,” Abbey told the agents as she closed the door.

The three of them saw the closed bathroom door. Josh tried the knob but it was locked. “Donna? Open the door.” He tried the knob again. “The water’s running,” he commented. “You have a key for it too?” he asked Abbey. 

“Yes,” she said, fumbling through the keys a bit in her haste to find the right one. Finally she located it and slid it into the lock. When she had it unlocked she opened the door and stood back to let Josh and Barbara in first.

“Donna!” Josh called as he entered. 

Steam from the hot rushing shower billowed over the top of the mirrored shower doors to fill the bathroom. From the looks of the unflushed toilet, Donna had been terribly sick. With only the small amount of tea in her stomach it was mostly bile but Abbey frowned to see what looked to be a tiny bit of blood in it as well. It was very likely that with all the stress and vomiting Donna been experiencing during the last few months she had developed a bleeding ulcer.

On the floor lay Donna’s jacket, the heavy fisherman’s sweater, her pink scarf, and her boots, but none of the other pieces of her clothes could be seen anywhere.

“DONNA!” Josh called again. But there was no answer. He and Barbara moved to the rear shower door. 

“Josh,” Barbara said. “If she’s undressed it might be worse if she sees a man, even you, seeing her.”

Josh didn’t like it but he nodded. “I’ll wait here,” he said referring to his spot by the front shower door.

“Donna,” Barbara called. “I’m going to open the shower door now. Don’t be scared we’re not going to hurt you.”

Taking a breath, Barbara pulled back slowly on the shower door and leaned her head inside. Donna was huddled in the front of the tub, directly under the spray of what appeared to be extremely hot water and in what looked like all her clothes, at least the ones they hadn’t already found on the bathroom floor. She was curled tightly into a ball, her knees pulled up to her chest, her arms crossed over them and her face buried against her knees. She was rocking slightly and Barbara could just hear the sound of her sobbing over the roar of the shower. “Donna?” Barbara said. “You okay?” There was no response beyond the continued sound of her sobbing. 

Closing the door quietly, she turned to Josh and Abbey. “She’s in the front of the tub, fully dressed. Let’s try opening this door,” she said, referring to the front one. Josh nodded and he stood behind Barbara as she pulled it open slowly. With them being closer to her this time, the sound of Donna’s sobbing was a bit more pronounced. It broke even Barbara’s seasoned heart. The child must have suffered greatly to make the woman break down so completely. “Donna?” she tried again. “Won’t you let us help you?”

Josh watched Donna and had to resist jumping into the tub to gather her in his arms. Somehow he didn’t think that was going to help things. Her sobs tore at his heart and right then he would have given his soul to take her pain away.

“Donna?” Barbara reached out to touch her forearm. As her fingers contacted with Donna’s skin, her head snapped up, startling Barbara, Josh and Abbey slightly. Donna looked at them as if, in her distress, she’d had no idea they’d been talking to her all this time. 

Tears and water mixed on her face as she looked up at them, leaving no way to tell where one ended and one began. Her hair hung in soaked ribbons plastered to her cheeks. She seemed to somehow press herself more tightly into the wall of the shower. “I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!” she sobbed. “I WON’T TALK ABOUT IT! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME TALK ABOUT IT!” Her sobs took over again, robbing her of her ability to speak for a moment. Everything inside her hurt and her chest and her head felt like they would explode from the pain. “Oh, God!” she finally cried. “I can’t do this. I can’t have this in my head! It’s too much. It hurts too much. Please, make it stop,” she pleaded to the three of them who stood mutely, not knowing what to say. “I can’t do it,” she said closing her eyes. She had to do something. Had to stop thinking about this or it would simply kill her. 

Without the conscious thought even entering her mind she slammed her head back against the tile shower wall. She did it two more times before Barbara and Josh were able to grab her shoulders and pull her far enough forward that she couldn’t do it again. 

Behind her, on the wall of the shower, a small splash of vibrant red blood stood out on the pristine white tile. Evidence of just how hard she’d been hitting her head against the wall. 

Donna looked up at Josh, her vision going a bit gray around the edges from the impact of her head hitting the tile. “I want to die,” she whispered before everything faded from gray to black and she sagged limply against Barbara and Josh. 

TBC

**********  
Chapter 33 - MATURE

“I don’t want her to be alone right now,” Barbara said quietly as she stood in the hall outside Donna’s room talking to Josh and Abbey. The door to Donna’s bedroom was open so they could see her lying quietly in bed. “Since I don’t think she’ll respond well to having anyone in the room she doesn’t know, I think it would be best if the three of us took turns sitting with her.” 

“You’re going to stay, right? I mean you can’t just leave her in the condition she’s in.” Josh said to Barbara.

After Josh and Barbara had pulled her out of the tub, Barbara and Abbey had checked her over. It appeared that Donna had passed out from a combination of shock and the mild concussion she’d given herself in the shower. They’d stopped the bleeding from the small gash on the back of her head easily enough and decided to address her possible ulcer once she woke up. Then Barbara and Abbey had gently changed her out of her wet clothes, dried her off, and put her into some dry pajamas. Then Josh had carried her into the bedroom and laid her out on the bed and covered her with the same blankets they’d huddled together under the night before. He’d tucked Zane in the crook of her arm and stood watching her for a moment. 

She’d woken up about 10 minutes later, but in this case, ‘woken up’ was kind of a subjective term. Her eyes were open but they were blank and only stared at the light coming through the bedroom window. Except for the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she breathed and an occasional blink, she didn’t move and although they’d spoken to her, she hadn’t made a sound. Unlike the time she’d been in the hospital, this time she wasn’t playing possum. 

She hadn’t even acknowledged Harley’s presence when he’d trotted in a few minutes ago to see her. He’s stopped by the side of the bed and looked up at her but she hadn’t moved, not even her eyes had wavered. Sensing his human needed him, Harley had quietly jumped up on the bed and curled up by her feet to wait.

“No, I’m not leaving. I brought an overnight bag with me just in case something happened. I had hoped I wouldn’t need it,” Barbara told him.

“I’ll put you in Ellie’s old room,” Abbey told Barbara.

“How long is she going to be like this?” Josh asked Barbara.

Barbara looked over at Donna and then back at Josh, “I just don’t know,” she said softly.

Josh’s frustration and worry bubbled over, “But it’s your job to KNOW!” he said vehemently.

“Keep your voice down,” Abbey cautioned him. “Donna will hear you.”

“Josh,” Barbara said, managing to keep her voice quiet when her own frustration and worry was clearly beginning to show. “There’s no time table for this kind of thing, no cheat sheet or text book chart that tells me how long it’s going to take. Each person is different. Each person heals in their own way. It’s all about Donna and how and when she’s ready to deal with what’s going on inside her.”

“I know but....” he ground out.

Barbara laid her hand on his arm. “Josh, you’re not the only one who is concerned about her. I had no idea it would be this bad. If I had I would have probably done things differently.” She glanced back at Donna. “But even seeing her like this I still believe she’ll come out of it. This is her mind’s way of healing. It’s similar to when the body goes into a short term coma after a traumatic injury. The coma lets it rest, gives it time to heal. I think this is the same thing. A kind of mental coma that is giving her mind the time it needs to process the trauma of what she remembered. When she’s ready, she’ll come back. But while we wait with her, I think that it’s a good idea if we try to act as normal as possible and act as if she can hear us.”

“But we’ve tried talking to her, she doesn’t respond,” Josh pointed out.

Abbey answered for Barbara, “Josh, just because she doesn’t respond, doesn’t mean she doesn’t hear. It’s been shown that people in short-term physical comas are often still aware of what goes on around them. That talking to them actually stimulates them and helps them heal faster and wake up sooner.”

“Exactly,” Barbara replied. “And I think the same thing could apply here. If we talk to her it might just bring her out of it that much sooner.”

**********

Donna heard the drone of their whispering in the hall, but it was like background white noise. Like the drone of the bees that had often danced across the small rose bush that had once grown outside her bedroom window in Madison. She laid there in Zoey’s old room and remembered the day she’d told her mother about what had happened over the summer. It had been two months after she’d returned from Iowa and things had been increasingly difficult. She couldn’t concentrate at school and at the most unwelcome moments she’d find her mind flashing back to the farm. She found she had to sleep with the light on or she had terrible nightmares about Uncle Tim coming to get her and take her back to the barn.

The day she’d blurted the truth to her mother was a Saturday in October, shortly after her 13th birthday. Every day it had gotten harder and harder not to say anything. The truth had burned inside her like acid eating away at her soul and still she’d told no one. She had no one to tell. Her parents wouldn’t have believed her. Her friends would have thought she was lying or a freak. She knew that they would all say that if anything really had happened it must have been all her fault.

When she’d started her period for the first time that Saturday in October she thought it was somehow a lingering side effect of what happened over the summer. Her mother had never had the talk with her about getting her period and what that meant so she didn’t know any different. At the time she also hadn’t realized how lucky it was that she hadn’t gotten her period before she’d gone to the farm or she might have come home with a parting gift from her uncle. When she’d seen the blood in her underwear again, something in her broke. She’d been lying on her bed crying and scared to death at not knowing what was happening to her when her mother had found her. 

Her mother had asked her what was wrong and this time she hadn’t been able to remain silent. In a rush of words and tears, she’d told her mother about the blood she’d found and everything that had happened over the summer. When she’d exhausted both the words and the tears, she’d sat on her bed and watched her mother standing silent in her bedroom doorway. 

After a moment, her mother had told her to stop being so dramatic and making up stories. It wasn’t nice to tell lies about people, especially family, she’d said. Lies of that sort could be very damaging to Uncle Tim or any man they were told about and Donna should never say things like that that weren’t true. No one would believe her anyway.

Her mother went on to explain that she’d just started her period and she should get used to having it once a month for the next 35 years or so. She’d left a shocked and speechless Donna and gone into her own bathroom, returning a few minutes later with some feminine supplies. And that had been that. 

**********

Barbara walked over to the bed to begin her shift. She stood by the bed and looked down at Donna, “Oh, dear heart, where have you gone? We’re all here waiting for you to come back.” She adjusted the blankets a bit higher across Donna’s shoulders. “Josh is pacing a hole in the floor downstairs and is about ready to snap my head off for letting this happen.” She pulled a small chair next to the bed and sat down. “Donna, I want you to know that I had no idea it would be this hard for you. I’m sorry that you’re suffering so badly. What did you remember? Was it your uncle that hurt you? Or was it someone else? I think it would help if you talked about it. When you keep secrets inside you, bad secrets, like the ones I’m guessing you felt you had to keep, they become like a infection. Up until now, the only way you knew to keep that infection under control was to forget.” She paused. “But the time for forgetting is over, Donna. It’s time we cleaned out the infection and made you healthy again. I’m not saying you won’t have scars but at least you’ll be whole again.”

She sighed softly as Donna continued to lie quietly, still apparently unaware of Barbara or what she was saying. “You know there’s nothing you could tell us that would make us blame you or turn our backs on you. We want to help you but we can’t do that unless you tell come back to us.” She took Donna’s limp hand in hers. “You’re not alone Donna. Right now you may feel that you’re in a black hole trying to claw your way out, but we want you to know that we’re right here. We’re going to sit right here with you until you come back to us.”

**********

Now that her mind was remembering, it couldn’t seem to stop. As she lay there, it occurred to Donna that things often happened in ways you would never expect. When she’d tripped that day at school and skinned her knee, she had no idea what it would lead to. It was two or three weeks after she’d gotten her period for the first time and told her mother about what had happened. She’d tripped because she hadn’t been sleeping and was exhausted and had neglected to pick up her feet. Because she’d skinned her knee and it was bleeding slightly, she’d been sent to the nurse. 

The nurse, Donna couldn’t even remember her name, had seemed kind and sympathetic and she remembered hearing someone once say that if something bad happened to you and you couldn’t tell your parents, you should tell a teacher or a policeman. Donna reasoned that a nurse would fall in that same category. So as the nurse had cleaned off her knee, the story had spilled out. The nurse had listened sympathetically and then told her to go on home and she would take care of the matter. On her way home that day, Donna had felt hope flare in her for the first time since her grandparents had died. 

That hope had been extinguished when she’d walked in the door to find her mother gathering her things together to head over to the school. Her mother told her that she’d received a call from the nurse at school. The nurse had told her mother that she wanted to meet with her right away. She’s asked Donna if she knew why the nurse wanted to see her, but Donna, too stunned to do much else, merely shrugged. Donna knew then that it had been useless to tell the nurse. The rest of the afternoon had unfolded pretty much as her dream had outlined. Her mother had returned home in a rage. The nurse hadn’t believed Donna, after all it was a pretty horrific story and couldn’t possibly be true. And unfortunately for Donna this was before health care workers and school officials were required by law to report any abuse or any stories of abuse. So instead, the nurse had merely related the story Donna had told her to her mother. 

After the confrontation with her mother had ended, Donna had laid on the floor of the closet that afternoon and evening. Her first decision had been to never again tell anyone about what had happened to her that summer. The only problem was that for some reason that decision had made her both horribly angry and unbearably sad. It was like a great wave of emotion that had engulfed her. One that had no source of release. Her face where her mother had slapped her and her arm where her mother had grabbed her and dragged her to the closet had both hurt. As did the scrape on her knee. She found that if she concentrated on the stinging pain in her knee it distracted her from the pain in her soul. The effect was even more pronounced when she dug her fingers into the scrape through her jeans. More pain translated into more relief. It was then that she’d first considered using physical pain as a way to cope with the emotional pain she was feeling. And she’d had a lot of time to think about it. Her mother hadn’t let her out of the closet until bedtime that evening.

**********

Barbara looked up to see Abbey standing in the bedroom door. “Abbey’s here to sit with you for a while,” she told Donna. “I’ll be back in while.” She laid Donna’s hand back on the bed and stood up. Stretching a body gone stiff during the 6 hours she’d sat with Donna, Barbara walked to the door.

“Has their been any change?” Abbey asked her quietly.

Barbara glanced back at Donna, then turned back to Abbey and shook her head. “No. Her eyes are still open but she’s still unresponsive.” She looked at the newspaper Abbey had tucked under her arm. “You going to read the paper?”

Abbey pulled it out. “I thought I’d read to her. I figured she wouldn’t mind hearing what’s going on in the world.”

“Good idea,” Barbara commented.

Abbey pursed her lips for a moment, “Barbara, I’d appreciate it if you’d go down and talk to Josh for a few minutes. I’ve had him doing chores and I had Leo and Sam keeping him busy but he just got off the phone with them and I think he’s going to start climbing that walls here shortly.”

Barbara looked at Abbey for a moment. “I’m not sure he’s going to be all that thrilled to see me, I thinks he’s pretty angry with me right now.”

Abbey glanced at Donna. “He just needs to blame someone for what’s happened to her.”

“Well, then I suppose I would be a candidate to focus his anger on, seeing as how I’m supposed to prevent something like this,” she said jerking her head toward Donna.

“You can’t blame yourself, Barbara. You’re not God. You did what you thought was best. The person to blame is who or whatever traumatized Donna so badly she had to block out what happened to her. And Josh may snap and snarl at you now, but he’ll figure it out eventually. If he doesn’t, I’m sure Donna will slap some sense into him when she wakes up.”

Barbara didn’t smile at her comment. “Unless she blames me too,” she said quietly.

“Okay, maybe I won’t have you talk to Josh,” Abbey told her. “It sounds like you’ve been hanging around him too much as it is. You’ve apparently caught his guilt complex.” Abbey looked at her squarely. “Look Barbara, we need you focused and with your head on straight if you’re going to help her. So stop blaming yourself and go downstairs and get something to eat. I made a pot of chicken and dumplings and they’re simmering on the stove. I thought it would be something soft and mild for Donna to eat when she wakes up.” She let out a breath and used her best drill sergeant’s voice, “Now you’re relieved. I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

Barbara looked at her for a moment, and then smiled. “Okay. I’m going. Thanks, Abbey.” With that she turned and headed downstairs.

Abbey watched her go. Hopefully if she and Josh talked, at least ONE of them would figure out that they weren’t to blame for what happened. Then she’d only have one guilty person to deal with. Her money would be on Josh for that one. He was sort of King of Guilt Mountain. ‘Jackass,’ she thought with a shake of her head as she turned and walked into Donna’s room. 

“Hey, Harley,” she said, scratching the dog behind the ears and causing his tail to thump lightly on the bed in response. He hadn’t moved from his place at Donna’s feet.

“How you doing, Donna?” Abbey asked her as she moved up to look at Donna. Her eyes were still open and staring at nothing but the light coming in the window. “Still a bit introspective I see. Well, that’s okay. I have a feeling you have a lot to think about, so you just take your time,” she said, patting Donna lightly on the shoulder. “Although I have to tell you, you’d better wake up soon because I’m about ready to have one of the agents tie Josh to a chair and gag him. He’s driving me crazy. I even sent him out to cut wood twice today. He’s actually getting pretty good at it.” She paused, hoping to see some flicker that Donna had heard her but got nothing. “Oh, hey, I brought the newspaper. It’s even The Washington Post and not USA Today so it will tell us all about what’s going on in DC. How about if I read some of the headlines to you?”

Abbey pulled up the chair that Barbara had vacated and sat down. Slipping on her glasses, she began to skim through the front page. “Let’s see here.....China’s meeting with Jed about trade negotiations.” She read snippets of the article then looked down.

Her heart dropped into her feet when she saw the article just before the fold. Another woman, Kate Morrison, had been murdered the night before and the authorities were saying it was another one of the DC Strangler’s victims. There had been a lull in the killings and the authorities had hoped it was because the killer had died or moved on or been sent to prison or something else along that line. Anything that would make the murders stop. But it was not to be. It appeared that the strangler was alive and well and still operating in DC. With this new victim, the body count was now up to nine. Eight dead and....Abbey looked at Donna, one suffering more than any human should have to suffer. Abbey made a mental note to read the full article later because there was no way she was going to read it to Donna. She smiled in a way she hoped looked normal. 

“I know, let’s see what’s on the next page. Oh, look, Hecht’s is having a sale. And there’s a huge article in here about the new Native American Museum that just opened on the Mall.” She kept reading through the various sections. She read the news, the horoscopes, Dear Abby, and the comics. But Donna still didn’t move or respond in any way.

Abbey folded the newspaper and dropped it on the floor by her chair. “Well, enough for the newspaper. Let’s see, what else can we talk about...hmmm? Any topic requests? No? Let me think.....wait, I know....how about Josh? He’s always fun to talk about.” Abbey looked at Donna for a moment. “You know, Barbara asked me if I had any insight into the two of you and in a nutshell, I told her that you loved each other. I know, I know, you think I’m wrong. Especially right now with all that’s going on, but I tell you I’ve been around long enough to know the real thing when I see it. Would you like to know how I know that you love each other?” She paused for a moment. “It’s pretty easy, really. It all goes back to the campaign. You know Josh was only with the campaign a few months before you showed up in his office but I still had some time to see him in action. In my opinion, Josh before you arrived and after you arrived were different creatures.”

She smiled at the memory. “Before you arrived, Josh had everything we needed to get Jed elected. He had a brilliant political mind, he was energetic, determined get Jed elected, arrogant, opinionated and always absolutely convinced he was the master of all he surveyed.” She chuckled. “Of course he still had all those things after you came, but Donna, I tell you this. After you arrived Josh became a better man. He smiled more and smirked more and laughed more. You’re a perfect foil for him. Even though he was still politically driven, I saw more of his heart, more of his passion for life. You brought that out in him.” 

She paused and took Donna’s hand in hers. “He needs you Donna, just as much as you need him. And don’t tell me you don’t need him, because you do. Don’t forget I was in the bathroom when you went down after seeing your hip. I saw how you responded to Josh when nothing else got through to you. It may be obscured by what’s been going on in the last few months but you still love him.” She gripped Donna’s hand. “Donna, honey, you need to come back now. We...we all need you.”

**********

As she laid there, Donna’s mind continued to churn up the long buried memories. The next thing that she remembered were the long forgotten days and weeks after her mother had locked her in that closet. As she’d lain in the dark closet, she’d come up with a plan. If she was going to figure out a way to get out of going to the farm next summer, she had to have a plan. She already knew that the first part of her plan had to be to keep her own counsel and share the pain she’d been carrying with no one. At the very least that would make her mother happy and she’d most likely leave her be. But to accomplish that, she’d had to think of a way to find an outlet for the pain. A private outlet that no one would know about. But that too she already knew the answer to. Her skinned knee had already shown her that physical pain would help block out the emotional pain. All she had to do was think of a way to cause herself physical pain, without anyone knowing about it, and things could be manageable. 

The idea for the cutting had actually grown out of the back-up part of her plan. If her plan failed and next summer came and it looked like she was left with no alternative but to go back to the farm, she’d make her own alternative. She’d considered running away but she had nowhere to go and no one to run to. And she saw stories on the news all the time about runaways that became prostitutes. If that happened to her, it would be no better than going back to the farm. So that had left one final option. She’d slit her wrists before she’d let them send her back. For that reason, she’d stolen the small kitchen knife and hidden it in her room, waiting until she might need it to put that part of her plan into action. 

She’d cut herself for the first time just before Halloween that year. It had started when she and her mother had been walking through the department store and they were already putting up the Christmas section. Sadness had rolled over her like a suffocating wave. She realized that this would be her first Christmas without her grandparents. And something inside her wept all over again at their absence. When they got home and Donna had gone to her room, she’d taken out that knife and looked at it. She wasn’t ready to put her back-up plan into action, but as she stood there and looked at the knife, she realized that this might be the answer to her need for a physical pain outlet.

Quietly she’d slipped into the bathroom and contemplated what to do next. It had to be someplace on her body that no one would see, she’d reasoned. The top of her thigh seemed like the perfect answer. After getting out some first aid supplies, she’d removed her jeans and sat down on the edge of the tub with her feet inside. That way, any blood she spilled would drain down into the tub. From there it was a simple matter of slowly drawing the blade across her skin. The sadness she’d been feeling seemed to drain out of her along with the blood she’d watched trailing off her leg. Then she’s pressed some gauze to it until it stopped bleeding, dabbed some Bactine on it and taped some more gauze to it.

And that’s how the cutting had started.

Although her mother had caught her in the act once, had taken the knife away, and, after making her dress the newest cut, locked her in the closet as punishment, Donna had simply stolen another knife out of the kitchen, learned to be more careful and more clever in how and when she’d cut herself. 

The cutting, at least that original period of cutting, had ended the day she’d heard that Uncle Tim and Aunt Ruth had died in a fire out on the farm. In the barn, she now remembered. The barn had burned to the ground. She’d overheard her mother crying to her father about it. About how the police thought Uncle Tim had been drinking and passed out in the barn with a lit cigarette in his hand and had set some hay on fire. Aunt Ruth had tried to save him and they’d both perished. It had happened one night late in the spring, in fact only a month before her parents had planned to send her back. A part of Donna now saw that it had come down to her or them. Only one of them was going to survive that spring to see the summer. Fate had chosen it to be her. It had been her Independence Day.

**********

Josh stood in the doorway for a moment watching Abbey do the crossword puzzle with Donna, or trying to. It was late in the evening, almost 11 pm. The only light in the room was the lamp on the night table that Abbey had switched on. Josh figured, since he’d been staying with her at night, it was only fitting that he took the night watch. The light coming in Donna’s window had long since faded into blackness but still her eyes stared out the window.

“Let’s see, Donna. 53 down. ‘Melville’s whaler.’ Four letters. I’m thinking ‘Ahab,’ You agree?” Abbey looked at Donna for a moment. “Okay, Ahab it is.” She jotted down the answer, then turned when she sensed Josh’s presence. “Hey, Josh. Donna and I were just doing the crossword puzzle before we turn in.”

Josh tried to smile but didn’t quite make it. “Yeah, I can see that.” 

“Well, Donna, if Josh is here then it means it’s the end of my time with you.” Abbey got up and stretched. Then she leaned over Donna and spoke softly. “Remember what I said, we ALL need you.” Quietly, she bent forward and kissed Donna on the forehead. “Sleep well,” she said. Walking to the door she stopped to talk to Josh. “If you’re going to stay in here all night I really need to get you a better chair or you’re going to be a pretzel in the morning.”

Josh glanced at her and then back to Donna, “It’s okay, Barbara and I talked and she thinks it might be a good idea if I try and keep things as normal as possible and sleep with Donna like I have been, on top of the covers. If she has a bad reaction to it then I’ll sit in the chair and be a pretzel in the morning. If nothing else seeing me as a pretzel might make Donna laugh.”

Abbey smiled gently at his attempt at levity. She looked at him a moment and saw that he was determined. “Okay. Well, there’s some blankets in the chest at the foot of the bed. Let me know if you need anything else.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Bartlet,” he said quietly and walked into the room. Harley, who’d gotten up once to go outside and do his business during Abbey’s shift but had refused to eat, instead coming right back to lie down at Donna’s feet, raised his head at Josh’s approach.

“Hey Harley,” he said, giving the dog a light pat on the rump. “You keeping an eye on her?” Harley’s tail thumped lightly in response.

“Good boy. Well, I’m here to help you. Maybe both of us can coax a smile out of her.” He moved up to Donna’s head. It tore at his heart to see her so listless and withdrawn. Her face was pale, almost translucent, her hair spread haphazardly across her pillow, and her eyes were wide and blue but empty and staring at nothing. The only thing he could see about her position that was any different from when he’d laid her in bed that morning was that her arm was now in a position that had Zane pulled in tighter to her chest. “How you doing, Donna? Ready to get some sleep?” He had a feeling that neither of them would be getting much sleep that night. “If it’s okay with you, I’m going to stay here with you tonight like I’ve been doing. But I’m going to stay on top of the covers. I know, I know, I’ll get some extra blankets so I don’t get cold. I’m just going to switch off the light and then get into bed.” He reached down and switched off the lamp.

Turning, he’d only taken two steps when he heard it. Whimpering. Donna had begun whimpering and moving restlessly in the dark. Leaping back to the lamp, he snapped the light back on and turned to her. Still whimpering softly, she was curled into a ball and her eyes were tightly closed. 

Josh did what he could to soothe her. “I’m sorry, Donna,” he said gently. “I didn’t know you wanted the light on. Shhhh,” he said softly trying to calm her. “It’s okay, I turned it back on. Look, open your eyes and look.” He ran his hand gently over her head. After a moment, her eyes fluttered open. They still stared at nothing, but her whimpering faded and her body began to relax. “Yes. That’s it. Just relax. It’s okay. Don’t worry, I’ll leave the light on.” 

He stood for a moment and tried to get his own rapidly beating heart to slow down. Then he moved to the chest at the foot of the bed and pulled out three blankets. Gently, he climbed onto the bed next to her. He didn’t get as close as he usually did, not wanting to upset her. She didn’t stir or make a sound as his weight shifted the bed slightly. Taking it as a good sign, he tossed the blankets over him and settled in next to her. Rolling onto his side, he put his head next to hers and he reached his hand out and stroked her cheek gently. “Donna,” he began softly. “I know we’re supposed to be trying to go to sleep but I wanted to talk to you a little bit first.” He let out a breath. “Did you really mean what you said about wanting to die? Please tell me that it was just a figure of speech or that you said it but you didn’t mean it. I’ll do anything, even eat vegetables, if you’ll just wake up and tell me you take it back.”

Searching the covers he found her hand and clasped it. Tears gathered in his eyes, “I need you, Donna, I know I don’t tell you that often enough but I need you. Not for the work you do for me, although God knows how important that is, but I need your smile and your laugh and your endless well of trivia. I need the light and the warmth and the purpose you bring to my life. You were the reason I got well after Rosslyn, Donna. Mentally and physically. I’ve never told anyone that. Not even Stanley or my other therapists. I got better because you wanted me to. Because of you, I had a reason to go to physical therapy and get up in the morning. I got better because I knew you would be disappointed if I didn’t and if there’s one thing I can’t take, it’s your disappointment.”

He sniffed. “And yes, I’ve taken you for granted and I’m sorry about that. More sorry than I can ever say with words. I loved you and rather than own up to it, I hid behind work and our age difference and other women and anything else I could think of because I expected that you’d be around forever, waiting for me to figure what I wanted to do. Then when you were attacked I realized just how close I’d come to losing you and how badly I’d blown it. I’d missed my chance to tell you. By then I COULDN’T tell you. It wouldn’t have been fair to add that issue to the pile you’ve already been dealing with. But I swear Donna, here and now, that once you get better, once you’re ready to hear the words, I’m not going to make the same mistake again. You may not feel the same way, but once and for all I’m going to stop hiding and tell you how I feel and just how much I need you. So call it incentive if you will, but you can’t die. If you die, I’ll never have another chance. Please, Donna, give me one more chance and I swear on my own life, that you’ll never regret it.”

**********

Donna knelt at the edge of the flower bed and dug into the rich earth with a small gardening shovel. Once she’d made a big enough hole, she picked up the last container from the tray and carefully held the petunia and its root bundle in her hand as she removed the plastic sleeve. Then she set it gently down into the hole and filled in the earth around it. She sat back on her heels to admire her handy work. It was a lovely spring day. A soft breeze stirred the wisps of her hair that had escaped from the wide straw hat she was wearing. The temperature was warm and comfortable, especially where she knelt in the shade of the old oak that had grown in her grandparents’ backyard. She smiled at the rainbow colors of the petunias she’d just planted. For some reason, she looked down at her left hand. It felt strange, almost like someone was holding it. But when she looked at it, there was nothing there.

“Why, Katie Bean, that’s about the nicest flower patch I’ve ever seen,” a voice next to her said. Forgetting her hand, she turned and looked up to see her grandmother standing next to her. ‘Katie Bean’ was the nickname her grandmother had always called her. It came from Donna’s middle name “Katherine.”

Donna supposed she should be surprised to see her grandmother but she wasn’t. She got to her feet and hugged her, “Hi, Gram.” For as long as she could remember, she’d called her grandmother ‘Gram.’ “When did you get here?” Donna asked as she stepped back. “And where’s Grandpa?”

“He’s in the house. He and I have always been here. This is our house after all,” she said with a smile.

Donna looked around at the huge backyard of their house. She’d wanted somewhere safe and so she’d come here. “Well, I suppose you have a point there,” Donna replied.

“I haven’t been out here for a while, though. I can’t believe how big this tree has gotten,” she remarked, looking at the tall oak rising up behind Donna. “But then the oak isn’t the only thing that’s grown has it?” She smiled again, “You’ve grown too, haven’t you, Katie Bean? You’re a woman now. And look how beautiful you are.”

“And you’re just as wonderful as I remember,” Donna said.

“Of course I am, dear. This place is made from your memories. We’re alive because you remember us.” She held out her hand to Donna. “Come take a walk with me, Katie Bean.”

Donna took her hand and they walked out into the sunlight. “I’m glad you’re here, Gram. Now I’ll have someone to talk to. I thought I’d be here by myself but it will be so much nicer having someone to spend time with,” Donna replied.

Gram looked at her for a moment as they walked through the yard, “Donna, honey, what are you doing?”

“I don’t know what you mean?”

“Yes, you do. Katie Bean, this place is made of memories. I’m made of memories. You can visit here anytime you’d like, but eventually you have to leave and go back to the real world. You know you can’t stay forever.”

“But why? I want to stay here. Things are simple here. Things are safe here.”

“Of course they are. But they’re also not real,” Gram told her.

“Reality is overrated,” Donna replied.

“Now, that’s not true and you know it. I may be a memory, but I’m not stupid. And I’m not uninformed,” she said with a slightly sterner tone in her voice. “Your Grandfather and I are in your head so we get updates on you all the time.” She smiled then. “It’s a little like getting our morning delivery of the Donnatella Gazette.”

“So you know....”

“About your attack and what you remembered about your mother and what happened at the farm?” Donna nodded. “Yes, Katie Bean, we know.” She stopped walking and drew Donna into her arms, “And I’m so sorry that we weren’t there to protect you from your parents or Uncle Tim or even the evil man who hurt you recently.” She released Donna from the hug and started walking again.

“You didn’t mean to die. It’s not your fault.”

“True enough,” Gram replied. “But, Katie Bean, it’s not your fault either.”

“But....”

“No ‘buts.’ It’s not your fault. It was Tim’s fault and your mother’s and daddy’s fault and the fault of the crazy man who attacked you. Not yours.”

Donna thought about that as they continued on through the backyard. She frowned slightly and looked down at her left hand. It was tingling just like before. It felt as if someone was gripping it tightly. It wasn’t unpleasant but it was disconcerting. There was also a slight scent in the air, one that she couldn’t quite identify but that seemed familiar. She did her best to ignore it. “Why didn’t Mama and Daddy like me?” she asked.

Gram sighed. “That wasn’t your fault either. They were young when they had you. Too young. Your mama was pregnant with you when they got married. In those days you HAD to get married if you got pregnant. Your Mama didn’t like me much and having to get married so young didn’t seem to sit well with your daddy. He started drinking a little too much. It changed him, made him hard. I think they both blamed you for what they saw as ruining their lives. Your grandpa and I tried to make it up to you in the only way we knew how. By trying to give you the love you weren’t getting from them.” She smiled. “Which wasn’t hard because we loved you very much. We would have raised you ourselves if they’d let us.”

“Wait,” Donna said as she stopped walking. “I didn’t know that Mama was pregnant when they got married, she never told me that. If you’re a memory in my head then how do you know that?”

Gram smiled, “Because you DO know. Don’t you remember that time you heard us arguing about trying to adopt you?”

Donna thought back a moment. She remembered her grandparents asking to adopt her and her parents refusing. But now she remembered that her parents had used the fact that they’d done the right thing and gotten married when neither of them really wanted to as a reason to deny her grandparents request to adopt her. They’d been forced to get married and they were going to be a family no matter what.

“You see?” Gram commented. “Raising you became a duty to them and they didn’t want anyone interfering in how they did it.”

Donna nodded and they started walking again. “I still don’t want to go back,” Donna said after a moment. “It’s too painful.”

Gram took her hand again as they walked. “I know things are tough right now, Katie Bean, but aren’t you forgetting the good things in your life?”

“Like what?” 

“Oh, Donna, now you’re just being obstinate. You’ve got an important job. You’re living in Washington, DC, in a wonderful apartment. You’ve got a lot of friends and people that care about you. There’s Sam and CJ and Toby and Leo and the First Lady and the President. And don’t forget about Harley.”

“But I don’t have a degree or anything,” Donna argued. “And I don’t even know if I can go back to my job if I don’t do it as Sydney and even if I can what’s going to happen to me after the administration’s over?”

“Your friends will help you. All you have to do is ask. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you, Katie Bean. You can be anything you want to be.” She paused. “And aren’t you forgetting something? A very important something?”

“What?” Donna asked. Her hand was tingling again and the smell had gotten stronger. The disconcerting feeling that both had caused earlier faded and were replaced with a sense of longing and a sense of home.

“I think you know what. He’s holding your hand right now, isn’t he? And the scent you smell? That’s him. He’s nearby and trying to get to you. He’s waiting for you.”

“Josh?” she whispered, looking toward the afternoon sky. “Josh is waiting for me?”

“Yes, Katie Bean. And talking to you. Listen. Listen with your heart and you’ll hear him.”

The words seemed to come to her on the wind. ‘...I’ve taken you for granted and I’m sorry about that. More sorry than I can ever say with words. I loved you and rather than own up to it, I hid behind work and our age difference and other women and anything else I could think of because I expected that you’d be around forever, waiting for me to figure what I wanted to do. Then when you were attacked I realized just how close I’d come to losing you and how badly I’d blown it. I’d missed my chance to tell you. By then I COULDN’T tell you. It wouldn’t have been fair to add that issue to the pile you’ve already been dealing with. But I swear Donna, here and now, that once you get better, once you’re ready to hear the words, I’m not going to make the same mistake again. You may not feel the same way, but once and for all I’m going to stop hiding and tell you how I feel and just how much I need you. So call it incentive if you will, but you can’t die. If you die, I’ll never have another chance. Please, Donna, give me one more chance and I swear on my own life, that you’ll never regret it.’

“You see,” Gram said. “He loves you. But he’s just been too afraid to tell you or show you. You were meant for each other, Katie Bean. He’s your heart. He’s not perfect, but then who among us is?” She smiled. “You have a purpose, honey. It’s why you survived and Tim and Ruth didn’t. Don’t waste that purpose and the time you were given by hiding in memories. Take your life back. Hold it in both hands and take advantage of every wonderful thing it has to offer.”

Donna smiled with tears in her eyes. “I will. I promise, Gram.”

Gram grinned, “And remember that even when bad times come, and come they will, you need the bad to appreciate the good.”

Donna reached out and hugged her. “I love you, Gram.”

“I love you too, Katie Bean,” Gram said, patting her on the back. “Now go see to your young man. He sounds pretty worried about you.”

“I will....” Donna frowned. “Wait. I...I don’t know how? I’m not exactly sure how I got here, how do I get back to him?”

“Well, I know this is going to sound a little like something out of ‘The Wizard of Oz,’ but close your eyes, squeeze his hand, and say his name. That’s all there is to it.”

“Goodbye, Gram. Tell Grandpa I’ll visit again soon,” Donna told her.

“I will, honey,” she said with a wave.

Closing her eyes she felt Josh’s hand in hers and she clasped it tightly. “Josh?”

**********

Trying to hold back the tears, Josh had buried his face against her shoulder. Feeling her hand clutch his for the first time, he snapped his head up to look at her. “Josh?” he heard her say. As he watched she turned her head and looked at him. Her eyes were focused and clear. When she saw his face tears began to swim in her eyes and she smiled.

To see her look at him like that was simply the most amazing moment of his life. “Donna?” he said cautiously, as if he was dreaming and he’d wake up at any minute to find her still lifeless and broken next to him.

She laid her free hand on his cheek. “Don’t worry, Josh. I’m not going to die,” she said simply.

Both crying quietly now, they hugged each other. When they pulled back, he grinned at her. “You’re awake, I can’t believe you’re awake. You know, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t go away like that again. I missed you too much.”

“I missed you, too,” she said softly.

He searched her face, still not quite convinced she wasn’t going to drop out on him again. “How are you feeling?”

She locked her eyes with his, “I’m okay, Josh. I swear. Tired, but it’s a good tired.” She smiled. “You, on the other hand, look terrible. You look like you have slept in days,” she said with a watery laugh.

“Well, I’ve been up with a friend who’s going through a tough time right now,” he told her.

She looked at him for a moment, her face wet with tears and her eyes red from crying, “Why don’t we talk about that in the morning? For now, you better get under the covers with me before you catch pneumonia.”

He took his own moment to look at her. “You sure? I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

She sniffed, “Yeah, because I’m going to be more comfortable when you catch something and have a fever and are whining about how awful you feel and how it’s all my fault I made you sleep on top of the covers. Now get under here so we can both get some sleep.”

He grinned and tossed off the blankets and started to slide in next to her then stopped. With her concussion, even as mild as it apparently was, Mrs. Bartlet had said she wanted to check Donna over when she woke up. “Wait,” he said, climbing out of bed. He backed toward the door, not wanting to take his eyes off her for a second. “Wait right there, don’t move.” He got to the door. “I’ll be right back.” He darted out into the hall and stopped at the top of the stairs. He saw all the lights were on down below so he assumed she would still be up, “MRS. BARTLET! MRS. BARTLET!”

“What is it, Josh?!” Abbey said appearing at the bottom of the stairs. “You scared the life out of me.”

“It’s Donna, she’s awake,” she told him. “You said you wanted to give her a once over when she woke up.”

Abbey was halfway up the stairs before he finished his sentence. “When did she wake up?”

“Just a few minutes ago,” he said, as they rushed back to her room. They found her sitting up in bed petting Harley.

“Well, look who decided to join us,” Abbey said as she came in the room. “How are you feeling, Donna?”

“Hi, Abbey,” Donna said. “Like I told Josh, I’m tired but okay.”

“Well, I’ll be the judge of that,” Abbey said. She picked up the pen light she’d left on the night table and shined it in Donna’s eyes to check her pupil responses. “Any dizziness or blurred vision?”

“No.”

“How about headaches?”

“No, but I have a sore spot on my head from where I hit it on the shower wall.” She said, gently feeling the area. “It feels like a bruise or something.”

“Well, that’s normal. Okay, since you obviously know who Josh and I are, do you know what day it is?”

“Well,” Donna said. “Depending on what time it is, it’s either Thursday night or Friday morning.”

“Yeah, you’re fine,” Abbey announced with a smile.

“Hey, Barbara,” Donna said, as she saw Barbara standing in the doorway. 

Barbara had come upstairs when she’d heard Josh yelling but she’d hung back in the doorway, not sure how welcomed her presence would be by Josh or Donna. “Hi, Donna. How you doing?”

“Well, according to Abbey I’m fine.” She frowned slightly. “Barbara? Do I have to talk about things right now? I mean I will but I just want to wait and do it tomorrow. Like I told Abbey and Josh, I’m fine but kind of tired.”

Barbara was a little surprised but pleased to see Donna doing so well after being so traumatized. “Sure, whenever you’re ready.”

Donna smiled, “Thanks.”

“Well, Barbara,” Abbey said, walking to the door. “Why don’t we let these two get some sleep?”

“Sleep sounds like a good prescription to me,” Barbara replied.

“Good night, guys.” Abbey said as she backed out of the room and pulled the door closed.

Donna snuggled back down into the bed and yawned. “See, I told you I was fine. Now can we please get some sleep?” 

“Well, aren’t you the bossy one?” he said with a grin as he walked over the bed and slid under the covers with her. “Oh, and just for the record, I do not whine when I’m sick.” The slightly stuffy nose he had from crying ruined his argument pretty effectively.

“I hate to disagree with you, Joshua, but you really do.”

The sound of her voice warmed his heart. He pulled her in close and pressing his face into her neck, crushed her against him in a tight hug. Then he released her enough that she could breathe again. “Welcome back, Donnatella,” he whispered.

Holding onto him tightly, she breathed in the scent of him. She could breathe it for a thousand years and never get enough. “It’s good to be back.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 34 - MATURE

Josh carried the tray upstairs, trying to be as quiet as possible. He managed to reach the top of the stairs without tripping or spilling anything. No small feat in his opinion. It was late the next morning and he and Donna had slept like logs during the night. Walking to Donna’s bedroom door, which he’d left cracked open when he’d snuck downstairs, he pushed it open slowly. She was still in bed, but unlike when he’d left, she was awake. “Hey, sleepy head. I see you’re awake.”

“Yeah.” With a yawn, she slid up higher in the bed and leaned against the headboard. “What time is it?”

“A little after 10,” he told her.

She saw what he was carrying and smiled, “Whatcha have there?”

He couldn’t help but grin, “Thought you might like some breakfast.”

She ran a hand over her stomach. It felt a little crampy and empty. “I guess I am a little hungry. What did you bring me?”

“Tea, toast, and oatmeal,” he replied.

She gave him a combination of a little pout and a tiny frown. “Well, that sounds exciting.”

“Mrs. Bartlet’s orders. You haven’t eaten anything for a while and she wanted you to have something mild,” he said, setting the tray across her lap. He didn’t mention that fact that Mrs. Bartlet suspected she also had an ulcer. She would be up shortly to check on Donna and they’d discuss it then. “Oh, but I did get her to give you one concession.”

“What’s that?” Donna asked him as she looked at the offerings on the tray.

He pulled a little napkin off the toast. “I got her to let you have cinnamon toast.”

“You remembered,” Donna said in a half whisper. Cinnamon toast was her favorite.

He poured her a cup of tea out of the small teapot and smirked, “Of course I did.”

Picking up a piece of toast she took a bite. It was perfect. “What are you having?” she asked as she chewed.

“Aren’t you the one who’s always telling me not to talk with my mouth full?” he teased. “I grabbed something downstairs.”

“Like what?” she said, not sure she believed him.

“A cup of coffee and a bagel,” he told her, which was true.

There was a knock at the open door and both of them looked up. “Good morning, children,” Abbey said brightly as she walked into the room. “And how are you doing today, Donna? I see you’re eating, that’s always a good sign.”

Donna swallowed her bite of toast. “I’m good, thanks Abbey. Oh, and thanks for the cinnamon toast. It’s my favorite.”

“Josh mentioned something about that,” Abbey said as she stopped next to the bed and smiled down at Donna. “It was always Ellie’s favorite too. Whenever she was sick all I could get her to eat was tea and cinnamon toast. With Zoey is was pretzels and ginger ale although God knows why. Liz was the only one who’d eat whatever I put in front of her.” She watched Donna take a drink of tea. “But you have to promise to eat the oatmeal too; I added a little brown sugar to it so it wouldn’t be so bland.”

“Thank you,” Donna replied, trying a spoonful. It wasn’t bad for oatmeal. “It’s pretty good.”

Abbey glanced at Josh and then back to Donna. “Is it all right if I give you a once over while you’re having breakfast? I just want to make sure you’re not having any lingering troubles with where you hit your head.”

“Sure, but I really do feel fine. My head’s still a little sore in that one spot but otherwise I’m okay.”

“Do you want me to go?” Josh asked Donna.

“No. You don’t need to,” she replied. “I mean you can, but don’t feel you have to. I don’t mind if you stay,” she clarified.

“Kay,” he sat down at the foot of the bed and petted Harley.

“At the risk of repeating myself from last night,” Abbey pulled out her pen light and shined it into her eyes. “No dizziness, blurred vision or headaches?”

“No,” Donna replied.

“Nausea?”

“No, but my stomach does feel a little upset, not nauseated, more like a little crampy,” Donna told her.

“Is it very painful?”

“No, it’s pretty mild, just at the edge of the radar,” Donna replied, not really understanding where the line of questioning was going.

Abbey looked at her moment, “Donna...do you remember throwing up blood yesterday?”

Donna thought about it. After what happened in the barn, the rest of the day was kind of a blur. “Blood? No.”

“When we came up here it looked like you’d thrown up some blood. Without doing a complete upper GI series or an endoscopic exam I can’t be positive but I’m pretty sure you have an ulcer.”

“I know I’ve been stressed and everything but how could I have an ulcer?”

“Well, they used to think that stress or the food you ate could cause an ulcer. But it was discovered a few years ago that while both of those things can make an ulcer worse, the majority of ulcers are initially caused by a bacteria called H. pylori. We’ll do a blood test and see if you have the bacteria in your system. If you do, we’ll start you on some antibiotics to treat the infection and an acid blocker to lessen the amount of acid in your stomach,” Abbey explained.

Donna’s heart began to race, “Do I have to go into the hospital?” She’d seen enough hospitals to last a lifetime.

“Oh, no. Not at all,” Abbey laid her hand on Donna’s shoulder reassuringly. “Not unless you start vomiting a lot or you’re in lot of pain or we see more blood. But I suspect that you’ve got a peptic ulcer and the stress you’ve been under has just made it worse. I’ve got some supplies in my room. I can take a blood sample and we can send it off. If the results come back positive then I’ll order the antibiotics and the acid blockers and have them sent over.

Donna looked down at her tray. “Is it okay that I’m eating?”

“Oh, yes. Actually not eating can often be worse on a ulcer because it leaves a lot of undiluted acid in the stomach. Food helps keep the acid from being so concentrated. How do you feel about bananas?” she asked, apparently out of the blue.

“Bananas?” Donna asked with a frown, wondering what in the world that question had to do with anything. “I like bananas.”

“Good, I’ve ordered some brought in and I’d like to see you eating at least 2 every day. One in the morning and one in the afternoon or evening. You can have more than that if you want.”

“Why bananas?” Josh asked before Donna had the chance.

“Well, besides being a great source of potassium,” Abbey explained. “Bananas stimulate the production of the mucus that coats the lining in your stomach. The mucus creates a barrier between the stomach lining and the stomach acid. Its just another layer of protection to give your stomach lining a chance to heal.”

“Oh, okay,” Donna replied.

“Now, doctor’s orders. Eat all your breakfast and stay in bed today and take it easy,” Abbey told her.

“But I feel okay....” Donna began.

“Did you not hear the doctor’s order’s part?” Abbey asked sternly. 

Donna looked at Josh and then back to Abbey, “Okay, but I have a request.”

“Name it,” Abbey said.

“When I finish breakfast, I’d like to have you guys, including Barbara, come in here, if you want to, so I can tell you what I remembered,” she said.

Abbey and Josh exchanged glances. “Donna, are you sure you want to do it now? Why don’t you wait another day?” Abbey suggested.

“That’s just it, I’ve waited too long to know the truth. I want to get it out and be done with it. As the President is so fond of saying, I’d like to be able to say, ‘What’s next?’”

Abbey smiled. “Okay, I’ll tell Barbara. How about we meet back here in an hour?” Donna nodded. “Now eat,” Abbey commanded. Then with a smile she went downstairs.

Josh watched as Donna finished up her oatmeal. “You sure you want all of us here? Wouldn’t it be easier to just tell Barbara one-on-one?” he asked quietly.

Donna looked at him over the rim of her tea cup. “In some ways, yes, it would.” She took a sip. “But Abbey’s been so kind and has gone out of her way to be accommodating and you....you’ve been with me through the nightmares and the hospitals and the getting sick and well, just.... everything. I think you both have a right to hear the truth and I don’t want to repeat myself three times.” She paused and held out her hand to him. He climbed off the foot of the bed, walked over to her and took her hand. “Josh, if you don’t want to know or don’t want to be here when I tell them, it’s okay. I understand. It’s a fairly ugly story, it will almost certainly be harder for you to hear than it will be for me to tell.”

He looked at her for a long moment, marveling at her strength and her courage. He gave her hand a squeeze. “No, if you’re able to tell me then I want to know. I need to know.”

**********

So an hour later, with Donna sitting up in bed, Josh sitting next to her holding her hand and Abbey and Barbara assembled in her room, she told them. 

She told them about her grandparents and their death. 

Then she told them about being sent to the farm. 

She told them about Uncle Tim and the barn. 

Then she told them about telling her mother what had happened and her mother’s reaction.

She told them about telling the nurse and her mother locking her in the closet.

Then she told them about her ‘back-up plan’ and stealing the knife.

She told them how the cutting had begun and how it had ended.

And finally she told them about her talk with her grandmother, but she left out the part about Josh. That was something she herself was still processing and she wasn’t quite ready to share it. 

As she spoke, she tried to keep her voice level and she tried to keep her descriptions brief and concise. But, she’d been unable to hold back a least a few tears. Josh gripped her hand tightly and she clung to it like a lifeline.

“And that’s when I woke up,” she told them as they remained silent. “That’s everything I remembered.”

Abbey was the first to move. She came forward and kissed Donna tenderly on the forehead, “I’m sorry you had to go through so much, then and now. It took a lot of courage to tell us what happened.” She glanced at Josh. His face was controlled, maybe a little too controlled. “And I want you to know, that if your uncle wasn’t already dead, I have a feeling he would have been shortly.” Her eyes were suspiciously bright and she sniffed. “If you need a set of adoptive parents, rest assured that Jed and I will volunteer for the job.”

“Thank you, Abbey,” Donna said softly.

“I know it’s a little early right now but when you’re ready for lunch, I’ll bring you up a bowl of chicken and dumplings I made yesterday. Okay?” Donna nodded. “Now you talk to Josh and Barbara and then get some rest. Doctor’s orders.” With that, Abbey quietly left the room.

Donna looked up at Josh and could see the controlled anger on his face. “Barbara, could you wait outside for just a minute?”

“Sure,” she said as she too left the room, closing the door behind her. “I sorry you had to hear that Josh,” she said, giving his hand a squeeze.

“Don’t,” he ground out.

“But...”

“Don’t you dare apologize for this! Do you know how brave you are? Do you have any idea of how much I admire you right now?” He got up and paced for a moment, fury pulsing through him. “I can’t believe,” he turned to her. “I mean I believe it because you told me...but I can’t believe the things you went through. And no one was there to help you. I have a hard time talking about Joanie and Rosslyn. They were nothing compared to what you’ve had to go through. And at least I had people to help me through things.”

“Josh,” she said quietly, breaking into his rant. “What happened to me doesn’t lessen or belittle what’s happened to you. It’s not a contest.” Her voice gained some strength. “Of course you miss Joanie and it’s hard to talk about her. She was your sister. And don’t you dare say that being shot was nothing. I sat in the hospital with you when could hardly sit up on your own or feed yourself. I was with you through your therapy and your recovery. I never told you how proud I was of you for getting better.” 

She smiled then. “Even if you did drive me crazy at times with your rants about theoretical physics and how you loathed ‘Days of our Lives’ even though there were, as you put it, ‘some hot women on it.’ I kept telling you that if you didn’t like it, to stop watching it, but for the three months you were basically apartment-bound you didn’t seem to pay any attention to that. And don’t think I didn’t know that for months after you went back to work you were still taping it.” He smiled back at her and she paused for a moment. 

“Come here,” she said holding out her hand. Hesitantly he came forward and took her hand. “And you’re wrong. I did have someone. Maybe not when I was a child, but after the attack I did. I had you, Josh. And CJ and Sam and Toby and Abbey and the President and Leo. Don’t you see, you’re all my family now. You most of all. You’ve seen me through it all.”

“But...” he began.

“But nothing, Josh. You’re here now and that’s what is important. To me anyway. You’re here now. When you could, and most likely should, be in Washington, you know, helping Leo and the President run the country and being the third most powerful man in America. You’re here, Josh. Do you know how much that means to me?”

He reached out and brushed his free hand over her cheek, “I’m where I want to be. Where I need to be.”

She held her hand over his and leaned her cheek into his palm. “Thank you...for everything,” she whispered. Then she straightened and looked at him. “So are we okay?”

He smiled down at her, “Yeah, we’re good.“

“Okay, then why don’t you go find a way to work off some of the residual anger and frustration I’m sure you’re still feeling? You know, go yell at some Republicans or something.”

He grinned. “Yes, ma’am,” he said, giving her a jaunty salute.

“And tell Barbara she can come in now.”

Still smiling, Josh opened the door and let Barbara in then he went out into the hall, closing the door behind him. “Hi, Donna. How’s it going?”

“Hey, Barbara. Good. I’m feeling a little cleansed by telling everyone what happened.”

“I can imagine.” She pulled up a chair. “Do you mind if I sit?”

“Please,” Donna replied.

“Being able to tell someone the truth and have it believed can be very empowering,” she told Donna.

“Why am I sensing a huge ‘but’....?” Donna asked.

Barbara leaned back in the chair, “Donna I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t raise a few questions.”

“Okay. That’s fair. I’m not afraid of questions,” Donna told her.

“Well, the first one that comes to mind is how well you seem to have overcome these traumatic memories. I mean one minute you’re nearly catatonic and now you seem almost back to normal.”

Donna thought for a moment how to explain things. “I don’t think I have overcome them. And I definitely don’t feel back to normal. I’m still processing a lot of it. But I think I have decided that I want to live more than I want to dwell in the past. I can’t let the past rule my life. If I do then I let my uncle and even my mother win. It’s really hard to put into words.” She paused. “Barbara, I didn’t want to come back. I thought there was too much pain to face if I returned. I think that was why I picked my grandparents’ house. It was someplace I always felt safe and welcome. I was ready to settle in and stay there forever. I told my grandmother the exact same thing. And I think talking things through with her, or I guess in a sense with myself, was what made me realize that I had a lot to come back for. A lot to live for.” Just then a sharp thud sounded from outside and Donna smiled softly.

“I agree,” she said, curious as to why Donna was smiling. “But can you tell me what some of those things are?”

“I have a lot of friends, I’ve made a life for myself in D.C. A life I love. The attack shook that but it’s still true.” She smiled again. “And then there’s the best thing of all.” There was another thud outside.

“What’s that?”

Donna threw back the covers, slid out of bed and walked to the window. She stared out the window at something on the ground. “Him,” she whispered.

Barbara frowned and got up to stand next to her at the window. Her gaze followed Donna’s. The ‘him’ was Josh. He was in the yard behind the house chopping wood. He’d taken off his jacket and flannel shirt, which left him in a navy t-shirt, jeans and a pair of leather work gloves. Sweat had already begun to dampen his shirt and his hair. He swung the axe and brought it down expertly. He’d come a long way since Abbey had assigned him wood cutting duty.

“There was something that I didn’t tell all of you.” As she spoke, she continued to watch Josh. “Something that happened during my talk with my grandmother. Even when I was far away and not planning on coming back, I felt Josh holding my hand and I heard him talking to me.” She paused, the soft morning light shining softly over her face. “He loves me. I thought I’d never hear him say it but he did. Of course, I’m sure he thought I couldn’t hear him but that makes it all the more true because he wasn’t worried about what anyone was going to think.”

“And how do you feel about that?”

Donna glanced at her and then back at Josh. “I think it’s amazing and a little overwhelming. I wondered for a long time how he really felt about me and now I know.” She pressed her finger against the window. “See that large pile of uncut wood next to him?” Barbara looked and then nodded. “His chore is only to cut up three of those. But he’s down there splitting what looks like about 10 because of me. Because he’s trying to work out some of the pain and frustration and guilt that he’s feeling about what happened to me. Josh only hurts for things he cares about. Before I met him, no one but my grandparents ever cared enough to hurt for me.” 

She looked at Barbara. “I didn’t mention it when I was telling you all because I’m still trying to work some things out about how ‘I’ feel. He isn’t the only one who’s been too scared to say anything. I’ve loved him for a long time but I always hid it, pushed him toward other women so he wouldn’t see it and tried to be his best friend. Then the attack happened and it was like my attacker killed my ability to love. I never thought I’d feel that way about Josh or anyone again. There was also the fact that I felt damaged and stained by what happened and unworthy for anyone to love me. What I remembered yesterday only added to that feeling.” She took a breath and she spoke before Barbara could. “But I’m beginning to realize that those feelings for Josh aren’t dead. They’re bruised and battered but they’re there. The rest of it....I’m working on.”

Barbara wanted to understand. “You make it sound so easy.”

Donna shook her head. “No, it’s not easy at all. I still see those images from my childhood. Now that I’ve dug them up, they live in me, in vivid color. I’m still processing what that means. But something I promised my grandmother is helping.”

“Oh? What was that?” Barbara asked.

“She said I should take my life back. To hold it in both hands and take advantage of every wonderful thing it has to offer. I promised her I would.” She looked back down at Josh. He’d worked up quite a sweat. She watched the muscles in his arms and his back ripple and flex as he brought the axe down and she felt something stir inside her. Something that may be bruised and battered but was healing. “He’s my life. I know he’s not perfect and in a way that’s one of the things I love about him most. But if I could pick one thing I wanted more than anything else in the world...” she looked over at Barbara. “It would be Josh.” 

Barbara smiled. She believed her. “Well, it looks like my work here is done for this visit. You seem to be on your way to recovery. I’ll come back on Tuesday and see how you’re doing. If you need anything before then, call me. Oh, and I have a suggestion for you.”

“What’s that?”

“I know it may be hard but if you’re willing, you might ask Abbey if she can give you some chores in the barn or the stables. I’m a big believer in facing your fears. Working in the barn will help you separate the barn from your trauma. Try spending brief periods in the barn and slowly lengthening the time.”

“Okay. I’ll give it a try.”

Barbara smile got a little bit wider. “You’re a remarkable woman, Donna. Most people who had been though what you have in your childhood and in the last few months would be destroyed by it. But you seem to be coming to terms with it. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met.”

Donna shrugged. “I don’t feel strong. Determined, but not strong. I want to get through this for me....and for him.” She looked back down at Josh. “He believes in me and I’m not going to let him down.” 

**********

“Sam, you have to be firm with Myers or we’re gonna get rolled on the stimulus package,” Josh said into the phone. It was Saturday morning and he was having a conference call with Sam and Leo. Donna was in the kitchen having breakfast. He and Donna had slept well last night and he was feeling recharged and ready to chew through some Republicans.

“Yeah, I have an appointment with him this afternoon,” Sam told him.

“He’s coming there, right? Going to see him on the Hill would give him the power position.”

“Yes, Josh, he’s coming here. You know I have been doing this for longer than 5 minutes,” Sam replied.

“Right,” Josh said with a chuckle as he dragged his hand through his hair. “Sorry.”

“Hey, Josh?”

“Yeah, Leo?”

“We’ve got the Foley vote coming up in the Senate next week. You still coming back?”

“Um...yeah, sure,” he replied. 

“’Cause we really need you here to wrap up the vote,” Leo told him.

“Yeah, Leo. I know. I’ll be there.” He’d been trying to avoid thinking about going back. 

“Let us know your travel plans so we know when to expect you,” Leo told him.

“Okay, I will. Well, if you guys have nothing else, I’m going to go.”

“Wait, Josh,” Sam said. “How’s Donna doing?”

Josh was quiet for a moment, “It’s been a rough couple of days but she’s better.”

“Give her my best,” Sam said.

“Me too,” Leo added.

“I will. Bye,” Josh said before hanging up the phone. He stood there for a moment, thinking, and then picked up the phone again and dialed. It was Saturday morning and he hated to bother him when he wasn’t in the office but it couldn’t be helped. At least it wasn’t too early in the morning.

“Hey, Josh,” Mike Casper’s voice greeted him. He sounded slightly out of breath.

“Hey, Mike. You okay? You sound like I caught you in the middle of the Boston marathon or something.”

“Yeah,” Mike said, taking a deep breath. “You just caught me while I was out taking a run. Actually I wondered when you would be calling.”

“Really? Why is that?”

There was a slight pause, “Aren’t you calling about Kate Morrison?” 

“No,” Josh said, his radar going up. “Who’s Kate Morrison?”

Another pause. “She’s another Strangler victim we found a couple of days ago.”

“You’re kidding? Another one?”

“There was an article about it in The Washington Post and I’m sure in all the other papers. I just assumed you read it.”

“Things have been kind of hectic here the last couple of days, Mike. I must have missed reading the paper that day. What information do you have on her?”

“Kate Morrison, 29, blonde, worked as a bank teller, divorced, lived alone in an apartment in Adams Morgan, no pets. She fits the profile exactly. He used the fire escape and jimmied open one of her windows. We figure he was waiting for her when she got home. She was struck in the head, sexually assaulted, the same burn mark was left on her hip and then she was strangled.”

Josh ground his teeth together, “Mike this can’t go on. You’ve guys have got to catch this guy.”

“Don’t you think I know that, Josh?” Mike snapped out, venting some of his own frustration. “Don’t you think it eats at me to think of all these dead women? I’m the one that has to look at their pictures. I have to see what was done to them. I have to interview their friends and family.” He took a breath. “Look, Josh, I know this is hard for you and harder still for Donna. But I swear we’re doing everything we can to find this guy and stop him. Each victim brings us just that much more evidence, closes the noose around him a little tighter, helps us establish a pattern, and provides links between the victims so we can find out who he is. We already have his fingerprints and his DNA. And with this latest victim we got a shoe print. All we need is one break, JUST one and we’ll nail him. And since he attacked Donna, Amber Thompson and Robin Marcus, all federal employees, we’ll bury him so deep in Federal prison that no one will ever hear from him again.” Mike paused. “Now if you weren’t calling about the Strangler, what were you calling about?”

“I need you to investigate someone for me...unofficially,” Josh told him.

“Josh, you know I can’t just investigate every guy that looks at Donna sideways,” Mike joked.

Josh wasn’t laughing, “No, this is actually someone who’s dead. Someone who’s been dead for about 19 years.”

“Why on earth would you want me to investigate someone who’s been dead for 19 years?”

Josh’s voice was flat. “Because it’s someone who molested Donna when she was a child.”

Mike’s shock was immediate. “You’re sure?”

“Yeah, that’s one of the reasons we came up here to the farm was so she could work through some memories that were trying to surface.”

Mike was all business then. “Okay, let me pull out my PDA.” Josh heard him rummaging around for it. “I’m ready. What are the details?”

“It was Donna’s Uncle Tim. Tim Henderson. He was married to Donna’s mother’s sister, Ruth. I believe her maiden name was Tandino, Ruth Tandino Henderson. They owned a farm near Iowa City, Iowa. They were both killed in a fire at the farm when Donna was 13, which would have made it around 1984 or 1985. I know it’s not much to go on, but I’d like you to check and see if he had any kind of criminal record or was ever investigated or convicted of sexual assault or sex with a minor or being a pedophile or anything like that. I’d also like as much info as you can get about the fire and their deaths. Donna said it had something to do with a barn fire,” Josh told him.

“Okay, Josh I’ll do my best. But what good is it going to do now?”

“Well, I’m hoping that if Henderson was ever investigated for molesting anyone else it might go a long way toward showing Donna that she wasn’t alone and he’d done this kind of thing before or after her. As for their deaths, I’m just curious,” Josh replied.

“All right. I’ll get someone on it this afternoon. How do you want me to give you the information?”

“E-mail it to me or call me on my cell. Thanks, Mike I appreciate your help.”

“No problem. Give Donna my best,” Mike replied.

“Will do. Talk to you later, Mike,” Josh said, just before he hung up the phone. 

Still thinking about how he was going to tell Donna about the latest Strangler victim and remind her of the fact that he was going to have to be gone for a few days next week, he wandered into kitchen and found Abbey reading the morning paper. Donna had apparently finished breakfast because she wasn’t there.

“Hi, Josh,” Abbey said. “How are things back in Washington?”

“Good. Sam continues to excel at my job.”

She smirked slightly and went back to reading the paper, “You’ve taught him well, apparently.”

“I just wish he wasn’t such a fast learner,” he replied with a smirk of his own. He supposed he should be upset about it. There was a time when he WOULD have been upset about it, but right now, he really did feel like he was where he needed to be. And he honestly knew that Sam had no designs on his job and was only doing it at all because Josh had asked him to. “Donna upstairs?”

Abbey didn’t look up from the paper. “No, she finished her breakfast and went for a walk.”

Harley took that moment to trot into the kitchen and sit down in front of Josh. Something began to itch at the base of his skull. “She didn’t take Harley?”

“Of course, she took Harley. She takes him every......” she trailed off as she looked up from the paper and saw Harley sitting in front of Josh. “...where she goes.”

The itch became the pounding of a bass drum. Something was wrong. “How long ago did she leave?”

“I’m not sure.” Abbey looked up at the clock. “Maybe 45 minutes.”

“Did she take her cell phone?”

Abbey thought for a moment. “No, I think she said something about needing to recharge it and that she was going to put it in the charger before she went out.”

“Did she say where she was going?”

Abbey could see the concern on his face and she was beginning to share it. “No, she just said she was going for a walk. I know, let me see if any of the agents have seen her.” She moved to a small red phone sitting on a shelf near the regular phone. It was a direct line to the head Secret Service agent on duty. She pressed the call button.

“Agent Jefferies.”

She knew Agent Stan Jefferies, he’d been on her detail almost from the beginning. “Good morning, Stan, this is Mrs. Bartlet.”

“Yes, Mrs. Bartlet, how can I help you? Is everything all right?”

“I think so. I was just wondering, could you check with the other agents and see if they know where Miss Moss has gone? She went for a walk about 45 minutes ago and Mr. Lyman and I are a little concerned and wondered if you could find out which direction she went?”

“Sure thing, Mrs. Bartlet. I’ll check and call you right back.”

“Thanks, Stan,” she hung up the phone. “He’s going to check and call us back,” she told Josh. “You don’t really think anything’s wrong, do you?”

“I don’t know,” Josh told her, trying to keep his heart from beating out of his chest in panic. “All I know is she always takes Harley with her when she goes for a walk. Something just feels off to me.” He walked to the mud room and pulled his coat off the peg and picked up Harley’s leash which was hanging by the back door. “If the agents haven’t seen her then I’m sure Harley can pick up her trail,” Josh told her as he walked back into the kitchen and snapped the leash onto Harley’s collar. He didn’t want Harley getting away from him. Just then, the red phone rang.

Abbey picked up and listened for a moment. “Thank you, Stan. No, Mr. Lyman will take care of it.” She hung up the phone. “Stan said one of the agents saw her walking around the lake but that was some time ago.”

“Okay, I’m going to take Harley and find her. I’ve got my cell and I’ll check in with you every half hour,” Josh told her.

“I’ll be here,” Abbey told him. “Be careful, and DON’T get lost. We don’t need to send out a search party for both of you.”

“Right,” he replied as he led Harley through the house to the front door, out onto the porch and down the stairs to the front yard. “Okay, boy, here’s where you earn your keep. I need you to find Donna for me. You hear me? Find Donna.” At his words Harley turned and trotted off toward the lake, sniffing all the way. He clearly had the scent of something and Josh just hoped it was Donna and not a squirrel. 

It was slightly overcast and the late morning air was crisp and cold, signaling that winter was rapidly approaching. There was also a slight, but cutting breeze blowing and Josh hoped that Donna had dressed warmly as he now figured she’d been outside for over an hour. Harley led him around the lake and into a large strand of trees. They continued down a narrow path that cut a winding swatch through the trees and the under brush. 

“DONNA!” Josh called. He got no response. He tried to keep a grip on his panic and worry for Donna, but it was hard.

They reached the edge of the trees which opened up onto a vast open field. It had probably been used to grow crops at one time, but was now covered in tall wild grasses waving gently in the breeze and faded to yellow in the autumn cold. But Josh still didn’t see any trace of Donna. “Harley? Do you know where you’re going? This is no time for looking for rabbits or squirrels.” The dog only ignored him and kept sniffing and leading Josh through the center of the field. They were about two-thirds of the way across the field when Josh heard it. At first he thought the sound was just part of the breeze that was blowing. But as they moved forward, he recognized the sound. It was crying. Or more accurately, sobbing.

“DONNA!” He let Harley lead him forward faster. Then he saw a flash of Donna’s dark blue coat through the gently waving grasses and he and Harley rushed over to her. She was lying face down in the tall grass, crying. Harley reached her first and he nuzzled his wet nose into her neck, startling her. Her head snapped up to see what wild animal was getting ready to attack her as Josh dropped to his knees beside Harley.

“Harley? Josh?” she said with a half sob. “What are you doing here?”

“We’re looking for you,” Josh told her. “We were worried about you. You went out without Harley and you didn’t take your cell.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, tears still running down her face. “I just wanted to some time to myself. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“It’s okay,” he looked at her a minute. “Donna? Why are you crying?” She tried to answer him but it only seemed to spawn more tears. So instead of pressing her, he silently gathered her into his arms and rocked her gently while she cried out whatever was troubling her. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed the house. 

“Hello,” Abbey said.

“I found her,” Josh said.

Abbey could hear Donna sobbing in the background. “Is she all right?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Where are you?” Abbey asked him.

“We’re in a field beyond the trees that border the far side of the lake,” he told her. “We’ll be heading back in a few minutes,” he told her.

“Okay, let me know if you need anything,” Abbey told him.

“I will. Bye,” he hung up the phone and slid it back into his pocket.

“Imf ssorfy,” she said against his shoulder a few minutes later.

“What? I didn’t understand you,” he replied.

She pulled back slightly and wiped her face on her sleeve, “I said, ‘I’m sorry.’ I didn’t mean to make you worry,” she said with a slight hiccup.

“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it right now. Take a couple of deep breaths.”

She remembered her breathing exercises. “Let me lie down for just a minute.” Josh nodded and settled her on her back in the grass like she’d asked. He watched as she closed her eyes and started to take some deep cleaning breaths. After a moment, she opened her eyes and looked up at him. Her voice was still a bit watery but it was now much more steady. “I really didn’t mean to worry you.” Josh helped her sit up. “I had no idea I’d end up like this when I came out here.”

“What happened?” Josh asked her gently.

“I just wanted to go for a walk and although I do normally take Harley, this time I just wanted to be by myself. Sorry, boy,” she said, giving Harley’s nose a good rubbing. Satisfied that everything was okay, he licked her hand and then trotted a few feet away to investigate a new smell. “Anyway I was walking and I was thinking about everything that’s happened in the last few months,” she sniffed. “The attack and Sydney, and I got a little irked about all of it but it wasn’t bad, more like brooding. Then as I started walking through the trees I started thinking about what I remembered and, I don’t know....I just got mad. Kind of like how I feel when I’m tempted to cut myself only I wasn’t mad at ME for a change. I was just....mad. By the time I hit the edge of the trees I just started running.”

He almost made some flippant remark about her running away from home but he managed to stop himself. “Were you running from something?”

“Yes. No....oh, I don’t know,” she pulled up a clump of brittle grass and thought for a moment. “I guess I was running from the anger, at least a little. Trying to distract myself from it I suppose. I think...I think I just needed some kind of release. And then my body just seemed to drop and I then I was crying and couldn’t stop. I was like that for a while and then you and Harley found me.”

“You said you were thinking about what you remembered. What made you so mad?” he asked.

Donna ran her hands over her face and through her hair, then she looked at him for a moment. “Who’s going to pay, Josh?”

He watched her for a moment, not knowing what to say.

“Who’s going to answer for what happened to me? At least with the attack hopefully at some point they’re going to catch the guy and he’ll have to answer for what he did to me and to all the other women. But who pays for what happened when I was a child? My uncle? He’s dead. And as happy as I am about that, I’ll never have the chance to tell him how much what he did hurt me. How much it damaged me. How it made sex just a thing. Something men wanted from me. Something that I didn’t feel much about. It was just the act and not much else because that’s what he reduced it to.” She was crying again, a steady stream of angry tears rather than the sobs she’d had before. “There’s no one to pay, Josh. No one to blame. I just have to live with it and try and somehow come to terms with it. That’s why I got angry.” 

He looked at her for a moment, struggling to find the words she needed to hear. They weren’t easy to find. “You’re right. There’s no one to blame and your uncle got the easy way out by dying in the fire.” He paused. “Just like the men who shot me and the President got the easy way out when they were killed. It’s like two of them and your uncle put down payments on contracts that you and I will have to pay for the rest of our lives.”

That thought brought Donna up short. It was an interesting parallel. “Oh, Josh, I didn’t mean...I didn’t think.”

“No, I know,” he said gently. “I didn’t bring it up to negate your trauma. I wasn’t abused like you so I will never know what that’s like, but I want you to know that I do know what it’s like to have to carry around a legacy of hate and fear. To emotionally pay for something you had no say in. I know it’s going to sound trite but it’s one of the few things that I think has gotten me through what happened at Rosslyn and that’s the fact that each time you let that legacy beat you down and make you feel powerless and less than you are, you’re letting them win. You’re giving them, and anyone like them, power.” He paused and touched her cheek. “Donna, you helped me get well after Rosslyn, you gave me your strength when I didn’t have any of my own left and now I’m doing the same for you. When you feel like you can’t take it anymore or you just don’t have anything more inside you, I’ll be there to give you my strength. Together we can beat them, I know we can. I know it because I learned it from you.”

Donna looked at him for a moment, her heart nearly splitting in two. “Oh, Josh,” she said with fresh tears in her eyes. This time, tears of gratitude rather than anger. She lunged forward meaning to give him a hug but ending up knocking both of them backward into the grass. What started as giggles and chuckling, erupted into full blown laughter. For a moment, they laid there in the grass, laughing tearfully and hugging each other as if their lives depended on the contact. They laughed harder when Harley came to investigate what all the fuss what about and took great delight in making both of them squeal by thoroughly licking their faces.

Josh pulled Donna in close to him and yanked his jacket up over their heads to shield them from Harley. It was semi dark in their little mini cocoon and both of them were breathing hard from laughing and trying to evade Harley’s tongue. Josh could just see the outline of Donna’s face and he could feel her breath on his cheek. Her breath smelled, not unpleasantly, of bananas. For an instant he longed to lean forward and find out if her mouth tasted like bananas as well.

Donna could feel Josh’s breath on her face. It smelled faintly of coffee and what she recognized as... Josh. The same thing that stirred to life in her yesterday as she’d watched him chop wood returned now in full force and then some. What she’d said to Josh about sex being just a thing to her was true. But then, she’d never made love with anyone before, either, and she knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that if she was ever with Josh in that sense it would definitely not be sex and absolutely be making love. That thought alone gave her hope that she would one day feel whole again. “Thank you, Josh.”

Her words reminded him, like a bucket of cold water, that she wasn’t ready for banana flavored kisses. Yet. So instead, he leaned forward and kissed her on the forehead. “No thanks are needed. It’s just what we do for each other.”

**********

The next day, early Sunday morning, Donna was sitting at the small kitchen table eating her usual breakfast of oatmeal, a banana, tea and toast, while Abbey finished up her breakfast so she’d be ready in time to head off to mass. Josh was in the study talking to Leo on the phone.

“Abbey, Barbara suggested that it might be helpful if I start doing some chores in the barn or the stables. She said it would help separate the barn from the memories of what happened in my childhood. Are there any chores you can think of that I could do?” She took a sip of tea.

Abbey finished chewing her bite of toast, “Absolutely. After mass, I’ll talk to our farmhand and see what I can come up with.” 

“Thanks, Abbey,” Donna said with a smile as she finished up her oatmeal.

“No problem at all.” Abbey looked at her watch. “Oh, but right now, I’ve got to go and get dressed or I’m going to be late.” She gathered up her dishes and put them in the sink.

“I’ll take care of all the dishes as soon as I finish my oatmeal,” Donna told her.

“You’re a dear. Thanks,” Abbey said as she hustled out of the kitchen. “We’ll talk about your chores when I come back from mass,” she called as she started up the stairs.

Donna finished up her oatmeal, fed Harley and then did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen. Once everything was in order she went to see if Josh was almost done with his call. As she neared the study she heard his raised voice through the partially open door. She knew she shouldn’t listen but she couldn’t help it.

“Leo, it’s just not a good time right now!” 

“Then when is it going to be a good time, Josh? Let us know so we can tell Congress how long they need to hold off the vote until you feel like coming back to D.C!” Leo said sarcastically through the speakerphone.

“But Sam can take care of it!” He let out a breath and ran his hands through his hair. “I just don’t want to leave right now.”

“Look Josh, I’ve been understanding. I know things have been tough for Donna and tough for you. I can appreciate the fact that you want to be there for her. But before you went up there you promised me AND the President that you would come back for the vote. It’s the only thing we asked from you and now you’re telling me that you don’t want to leave right now. Josh, this is not the school bake sale to raise money to send the cheerleaders to camp. This is the most important piece of environmental legislation that’s been brought before the Senate in 20 years and it actually has a chance of passing. But not if you’re not here to strong arm them.” 

“I know....I know you guys need me, but she needs me more!” Josh replied.

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, “Well, then, I suggest you take the rest of today and decided if your love life takes precedence over your career. Because if you’re not on a plane tomorrow then you can consider yourself no long part of this administration.” The line went dead before Josh could reply.

Donna stood in the hall, pressed against the wall. Her heart beating heavy in her chest. She’d forgotten that Josh had to go back for the a couple of days for the Senate vote. There was no way she was going to let him sacrifice his career for her. Taking a breath, she stood up and opened the door. Josh was sitting at the desk brooding. Hearing someone enter her turned and smiled when he saw it was her. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself,” she replied. “I was just passing by and I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.”

Josh looked at her for a moment. He didn’t want her worry about him on top of everything else. “Oh, don’t worry. Leo was just blowing off steam.”

“He’s right, Josh,” she said quietly.

He hadn’t expected her to say that. “What?”

“You promised to go back for the vote and they need you to get the bill passed. You should go.”

“Donna...”

“No, Josh. This is bill is your baby. You got it started when everyone else thought it was hopeless and wanted to stick it in a drawer. It means that kids born in the next decade will grow up with cleaner air and water. That’s an important legacy to leave behind.” She paused, for some reason the phrase, ‘OUR kids will grow up with cleaner air and water’ kept popping into her head. “It will only be for a few days, Josh.”

“What if you have a nightmare?”

She was quiet a moment, “If I have a nightmare, then I have a nightmare. It’s better when you’re here, but Barbara said that there would come a time when I needed to try and start sleeping on my own and this will be a perfect trial run.” She walked over to him and took his hand. “What I’m saying doesn’t mean I don’t need you or that I’m not going to miss you, because I do need you and I’m going to miss you terribly. Which is why I expect you to call me as often as possible,” she finished with a small smile. 

“I just don’t want to let you down,” he told her.

“You could never let me down,” she replied softly, giving his hand a squeeze. “Now get out of here so I can set up your travel arrangements for tomorrow. I’ll call and give them to Margaret so Leo will stop sticking his voodoo doll of you with pins.”

Josh smirked at that. “Where on earth would Leo get a voodoo doll of me?”

“Oh, you mean you didn’t know? One weekend he had Margaret make them up for all Senior Staff and each member of Congress. She’s a voodoo high priestess, you know.”

“Well, you women are just full of surprises aren’t you?”

“You have no idea,” she smirked back.

**********

“Now, I packed everything you’re going to need and it’s already been loaded in the car. I put a list of things in your backpack that I’d like you to pick up from my apartment and some things I thought you’d need from yours. There’s also a list that Abbey would like you to give to her chief of staff of things she’d like sent up as well,” Donna told him as she and Harley walked him out to the waiting car the next morning. She’d managed to get Josh dressed in a suit. All he was missing was his tie. Abbey stood up on the porch watching them. “Your flight leaves in 90 minutes which will put you into DC about noon. Sam’s going to meet you at baggage claim and take you right over to the White House for your meeting with Leo. I rolled up your tie and put in your jacket pocket, so put it on before you land.” Josh smirked at her. “What? Did I say something that was smirk worthy?”

“No, it just you. You’ve got everything taken care of as usual,” he said, tossing his backpack onto the back seat.

“Josh, you know how you are when you travel.”

“Yeah, I know. I’m hopeless,” he leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. “One of the 8 million reason I like having you around.”

She leaned forward, kissed him on the cheek and pulled him into a hug. “I like doing it. It’s one of the 8 million reasons I like being around.” She felt his arms tighten around her.

“I’ll see you Friday,” he whispered to her. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too. Have a safe trip. Call me when you land,” she whispered back.

He tightened his hug for a moment, “I will.” 

They released each other and Josh leaned down to Harley. “Bye mutt, you take care of her while I’m gone.” Harley wagged his tail in reply. “Good boy,” he said with a smile, giving the dog a final scratch behind the ears. Josh climbed into the car and Donna closed the door for him. She stood there and waved as the car pulled away. When the car had finally disappeared from sight, she and Harley walked up to the porch where Abbey was waiting.

“He’ll be back in a couple days, Donna,” Abbey told her.

“I know. I’m just going to miss him,” she replied.

“Well, then we need to find you something to take your mind off of it. And I think I have just the thing.” Abbey held out her hand. “Come with me. I talked to our farmhand and he has a number of things you could help with around here.”

Donna took a breath. She was a little apprehensive at being in the barn again but she was determined. “Well, no time like the present. Let’s get started.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 35 - MATURE

Josh swiveled his chair around and stared out the window at the gray afternoon sky. It was Tuesday and a cold front had descended upon the entire Northeastern seaboard. The National Weather Service was predicting that over the next few days D.C. would have a mixture of rain and snow. New Hampshire would have its own light coating of snow over the next few days, but it was supposed to clear up by Friday, so he didn’t expect it to cause any delays with his return trip to Manchester. 

The week was pretty well laid out for him. Hand holding and arm twisting were on tap for today; the vote itself was tomorrow, Thursday he planned to go around wrapping up things, including pulling together all the items that Donna and Abbey had requested he bring back with him. His plane was scheduled to leave out of National first thing Friday morning. He’d be back at the farm by mid-morning.

He’d just gotten off the phone with Justin McNeely, a Democratic senator from Oregon and one of the last remaining Democratic holdouts for the bill. His objection to the bill was related to some of the higher standards for water purity. He felt that finding the money to put the restrictions into practice would put an unfair tax burden on his constituents. With a little carefully worded persuasion and reassurance that the President would not raise taxes to pay for the bill, McNeely had relented.

But while Josh was glad the vote was all but sewn up, his heart was elsewhere. He’d already talked to Donna earlier that morning but being away from her left him with a hollow ache in his chest. He hated that he was missing the things she was doing. She’d told him about working in the barn and how at first it had nearly sent her into a panic but she was slowly getting used to it and she loved working around the animals, especially the horses. Barbara was coming to visit her today for a session. The fact that they were probably having that session right now was the only reason he wasn’t currently calling her just to hear her voice. 

It seemed like it was going to be an eternity before he’d be able to call her for their regular evening talk. He’d tell her about everything that was happening in D.C. and with the vote and she’d tell him he was working too many hours and needed to go home once in a while. He knew that by ‘home’ she meant his apartment and while he had gone by there to get a few things, last night he’d gone to her apartment and slept in her bed. Her apartment had become more of a ‘home’ to him in the last few weeks than his own townhouse. Even though she wasn’t there right now, he felt slightly closer to her by being around her things and smelling the scent of her on the sheets.

Just then, there was a knock on his door. “Josh?”

He recognized Ryan’s voice so he didn’t turn away from the window. “Yeah, Ryan?”

“There’s an Agent Casper here to see you.” Ryan had been helping out Sam and the temp that personnel had sent over after Sydney’s departure.

The mention of Mike’s name made Josh turn around. It would have been easier for Mike to just e-mail or call him with the information. If he was here in person, he probably had something important to tell Josh. “Show him in.”

Ryan disappeared and Mike appeared in his doorway a moment later. “Hey Josh.”

He stood up and came around the desk to met Mike halfway. “Hey, Mike,” he said, shaking his hand. Then he moved to close the door. 

“I’m sorry to bother you, Josh. But I thought what I had to tell you would be better done in person.”

“No problem at all, Mike. Have a seat,” Josh told him. “I take it that you found something out about Donna’s Uncle and Aunt?” Josh said as they both sat down in the visitor’s chairs. 

“Yeah.” Mike looked at him for a moment. “I found records that before the time you said Donna visited the farm, Tim Henderson was investigated twice for alleged molestation. Once when he was 22 for an incident that involved a 13 year old girl during a church ski trip when he was along as a chaperone. Then the second time when he was 25 right before his marriage to Donna’s aunt. That incident involved a 12 year old girl who was a family friend. Both investigations were dropped because of lack of evidence and what I believe was pressure from the Henderson family, which apparently was fairly prominent.”

Mike paused a moment, “When he died, he was also under investigation for statutory rape. He allegedly raped the 13-year-old daughter of a neighbor.” 

Josh sensed Mike had more to say. “Anything else?”

“I also found the police report for the night that Tim and Ruth Henderson died,” Mike told him. “Apparently Donna didn’t know quite the whole story. You see, there was a witness to what happened that night.”

Josh was intrigued to say the least. ”Really? Who?”

“Jenny Miller. She was the neighbor’s daughter he was being investigated for raping.”

“You’re kidding! What the hell was she doing there?” Josh demanded.

“According to the statement she gave the authorities, Tim Henderson had coerced her into coming over and to talk to him about the pending investigation. He said if she didn’t come to see him, he would see to it that she and her parents wouldn’t live long enough to see the authorities finish the investigation. When she went over there he apparently beat her pretty badly and he was in the process of raping her when Mrs. Henderson came home unexpectedly and caught him. Miss Miller was fairly certain he meant to kill her that night so that she couldn’t testify against him.”

Mike paused and took a breath. “It seems that Mrs. Henderson had never believed the other allegations. So, according to the statement from Jenny Miller, when she saw proof for herself, she apparently flew into a rage and began screaming at Mr. Henderson.”

Mike looked at the notes he’d made on a small pad. “Miss Miller ran out of the barn but she could still see them through the open barn door, Mrs. Henderson attacked Mr. Henderson, knocking him out when he struck his head against a workbench. Then she took a bottle of kerosene from a shelf, poured it over Mr. Henderson’s unconscious body and set him on fire. What she didn’t realize was that she’d splashed some on herself and her clothing caught fire almost instantly. Between that and the hay, the barn went up in a flash. There was no way they could have gotten out. Miss Miller called the authorities from the phone in the house. The firemen found the Hendersons bodies in the burned out debris of the barn.” 

The silence was palpable in the room when Mike finished. The two men sat there for a moment. “What happened to Jenny Miller?” Josh finally asked, his voice very quiet.

Mike stared at him for a long moment. “Henderson’s family saw to it that the story was hushed up. They paid the Miller’s enough money to move out of state. They bought a new farm in California’s Central Valley. Far as I can tell, her family still lives there.” 

He paused and Josh just knew that he wasn’t going to like what was coming next. 

“Although from all reports Jenny Miller had once been a bright and outgoing teenager, the rape and what happened at the Henderson farm that night had a lasting effect on her. Even after the Millers moved to California, she had lingering emotional problems. Eventually, she got involved with drugs and about two years after her family moved to California, she committed suicide.”

Mike handed Josh a thick envelope. “Here’s a copy of my report, including copies of all the police reports and Jenny Miller’s statement of the events from that night. Just be aware, there’s also a copy of the medical report on Miss Miller’s physical condition. Some pretty unpleasant stuff. Bastard did quite a number on her. There are no photos, just a written report. Apparently Tim Henderson beat her pretty severely. Along with the more superficial injuries, she had a broken arm, couple of broken ribs, fractured cheekbone and a broken nose.”

Another palpable silence descended, “Well, he was real son of a bitch, wasn’t he?” Josh commented.

“He was a predator, Josh. Plain and simple.”

“Yeah, I know,” Josh said, almost more to himself than to Mike. He gave himself a mental shake. “Thanks, Mike. You did a first rate-job.”

“Well, that’s what you guys pay us for.” Mike said with a smile, then he sobered. “Josh, when you see Donna. Tell her I’m sorry and if there’s anything....absolutely anything...” he smiled and held up his hand before Josh could speak. “Other than finding her attacker which I’m already working on....if there’s anything else I can do for either of you, let me know.”

Josh held out his hand, “Thanks, Mike. I know you’re doing all you can to find the guy. And I’ll tell Donna what you said when I see her on Friday.”

The two of them shook hands and Josh walked Mike out. Then he came in and sat back down at his desk. Leaning back in his chair, he thought of the ruined lives that Tim Henderson had left in his wake. And he thought about Donna being alone and defenseless against that monster. He wished that he was with her at the moment. He wanted nothing more than to gather her into his arms and keep her safe. Maybe he’d call Abbey and see if Donna was done with her session so he could talk to her. He knew hearing her voice would settle him.

**********

“So Donna, how do you like working in the barn?” Barbara asked her as they sat out in the sunroom. There wasn’t much sun that day though. The cold front that was currently descending on New England was keeping most of it hidden behind clouds. 

Manchester’s first snowfall of the season was predicted for later that night and now that her irrational fear of the cold had begun to fade, Donna was actually looking forward to it. From what Abbey had told her, winter in New Hampshire was cold but beautiful. One thing she was very happy about was the fact that the snow and bad weather was apparently supposed to taper off in time for Josh’s trip back from DC. 

Even though he’d only been gone since yesterday and she knew he was where he needed to be, where she’d sent him in fact, she missed him terribly. She was, however, proud of herself for sleeping through the night without having a nightmare. That didn’t change the fact that she missed sleeping in the same bed with him. Missed his arms around her. Missed the solid feel of his shoulder under her cheek. Missed their banter. Missed their long talks. Missed watching him chop wood.

She pulled herself back from the reverie to answer Barbara. “It was a little scary at first, I mean I didn’t remember anything new or anything like that, it was just the feeling of foreboding it kept stirring up. But now I’m really starting to enjoy it. I like working with the horses.” She smiled. “Although I admit helping milk the cows was quite the adventure. I’m sure when Josh gets back he will get a laugh out of watching me try and do it again. I think I almost spilled more milk than I saved. But I suppose that he’s allowed to poke a little fun at me after Abbey and I made fun of him when he was learning to chop wood.”

“Josh learned to chop wood while you’ve been here on the farm? Hmm. Josh swinging a large axe,” Barbara said with a grin. “Were you guys watching from a safe distance, say from inside the house?”

Donna grinned, “Well, I’d be lying if I said we didn’t consider doing that. But actually as you saw the other day, he’s gotten pretty good at it.”

“Speaking of Josh, how is he?” Barbara asked her.

“Oh, I talked to him this morning. He’s good. The vote is scheduled for tomorrow and he feels pretty confident that the bill is going to pass,” Donna replied.

“What do you think about him being in D.C. and not here?” 

Donna paused before she answered, trying to organize her thoughts. “I miss him. A lot.” She looked at Barbara. “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that we’ve become very close and I’ve come to rely on him a lot.”

“No, that’s pretty obviously from seeing you two together,” Barbara remarked.

Donna looked down at her hands where they rested in her lap. Then she looked up at Barbara, “I haven’t told Josh this, but in an odd way I think this week apart will be good for us.”

Barbara definitely hadn’t been expecting that response. “Really? How so?”

“Well,” Donna began. “You remember when you told me that there would come a time when we’d want to try and get me to be able to sleep alone?” Barbara nodded. “I think I’ve come to that time. I mean I’d be lying if I said that sharing a bed with Josh wasn’t....wonderful and something I wouldn’t mind doing for the next hundred years or so.” She paused. “But I want.....I want to be whole for him, Barbara. I know that I can lean on him but I want to be able to stand beside him too. I want things to be a two way street between us. He deserves that.” She paused. “I deserve that.”

Barbara nodded, “You’re right. And the fact that you recognize that is a very big step toward achieving that goal. ” She paused. “How did you do last night without him being here?”

“It took a little time to get to sleep because I missed him being there. But once I did,” Donna smiled proudly. “I slept through the night without a having a nightmare.”

Barbara smiled in return. “Good.” 

“So I’m hoping that means that the nightmares are over,” Donna replied.

Barbara looked at her for a minute, “Donna, I’m not trying to put a damper on your theory but while I agree that’s a positive sign and I’m sure that what you’ve resolved about your childhood memories is going to help you not have them all the time, I don’t think you’ve seen the end of them. You may never stop having them completely. There may be long periods between them but I’m willing to bet that there will be times, especially if you’re upset or you have something on your mind, that they’ll return.”

Donna frowned. “Really?”

Barbara patted Donna’s hand. “It’s no reason to be discouraged, Donna. You’ve made amazing progress in the last few weeks. And you have to remember that even people without the things you have in your past have nightmares. Nightmares and dreams are just the subconscious trying to work through issues that the conscious mind has neglected or ignored.”

“Well, you do have a point,” Donna replied, thinking that over.

“You know Donna, I’ve been thinking and there’s a program back in D.C. that I think you might benefit from,” Barbara suggested.

“What’s that?”

“Well, it’s going to sound a little weird when I suggest it but it’s art therapy.”

“Art therapy?” Donna asked with a frown. “I’ve never been particularly artistic.”

“You don’t have to be. This program works with victims of violent crimes, as well as children and adults with emotional or developmental challenges and helps them use art to express themselves.”

“But I thought you agreed that I was doing so much better,” Donna replied.

“Oh, I do. I think you’re doing wonderfully. I just thought that a creative outlet for you might be productive too. Unlike art for art's sake, which focuses on the finished piece, art therapy, which typically employs paint, clay, charcoal, pastels, or other art materials, focuses on the process of creation itself. The activity is undertaken primarily for its healing benefits rather than for the creative end result.”

“How dose it work?” Donna said, becoming interested in spite of herself.

“Art therapy helps healing in various ways. The aesthetic quality of the work produced can lift a person's mood, boost self-awareness, and improve self-esteem. Research also shows that physiological functions, such as heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration, slow when people are deeply involved in an activity they enjoy.”

Barbara took a sip of her tea. “The creation of art helps people get in touch with thoughts and feelings that are often hidden from the conscious mind. Stress reduction is also a significant benefit. Because art therapy helps people access their unconscious mind and release pent-up emotions, it has been found to be very useful in treating those suffering from stress and stress-related ailments.”

Barbara set her up down. “You don’t have to do it. In no way am I saying that your recovery is going to be incomplete if you don’t take part in this program or any others like it. What I am saying is it’s something to think about.”

Donna thought about it for a moment. It might be kind of fun to try something new. “Okay. I’ll think about it.”

Barbara looked at her for a moment. Donna seemed to be more contemplative than usual. “Is there anything else you’ve been thinking about?

Donna smiled softly, “Am I that obvious?”

Barbara smiled. “Just a little. You seem to be a bit preoccupied.”

Donna nodded. “I’ve just been doing some thinking about the future.”

Barbara took a sip of tea. “Oh? In what respect?”

“I’d rather not say just yet. I’m not trying to be evasive, I’m just still thinking some things over and when I do start discussing it, I’d kind of like to tell Josh about it first,” Donna said. She just hoped Josh was still speaking to her after she did. 

**********

Josh rolled over in Donna’s bed and groaned as he reached out for his ringing cell phone. His head was throbbing and his mouth tasted similar to what he imagined the bottom of his shoe tasted like. He managed to pick the phone up off the night stand without knocking it off. Seeing the callers name on the screen he smiled in spite of his hangover. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Donna said with a smile in her voice. “So how much damage did you do to your sensitive system last night?”

“Three beers worth,” he said, his voice husky with sleep and his hangover.

“Well, I could harass you about it but I guess you’re entitled to drink from the keg of glory after winning the vote yesterday. I know I told you this last night, but congratulations again. I knew you could do it.”

The sound of her voice warmed him and made him not care so much about his headache. “But it’s no fun if you’re not here to bring me the finest bagels and muffins in all the land,” he said softly. “I miss you. I’m looking forward to heading back up there tomorrow.”

Donna smiled as she stood in the Bartlets’ kitchen. “I miss you, too.” She looked out the window. “How’s the weather there?”

“Cold,” he said, snuggling down into the covers and wishing she was there with him. “We got sleet last night and we’re supposed to get snow this afternoon. But it should be cleared out by the time my flight leaves in the morning. How’s it there?”

“Cold, too. We got snow last night and they’re saying we’re going to get more light flurries today,” she replied. 

“How are you doing with the cold?” he asked her, knowing how much the cold had bothered her since the attack.

She smiled at his thoughtfulness. “Actually, it’s okay. I’m kind of enjoying it. Things here are really pretty with a light coating of snow.” She paused. “Josh, just out of curiosity. Are you sleeping in your office? Cause if you are I’m going to have to get out a big stick and beat you with it when you get back here.”

“Well, Donna, as much as I love it when you bring out the equipment, I am, in fact, not sleeping in my office,” he replied.

“Then where are you sleeping? I called your apartment first and there was no answer.”

“I’m sleeping in the apartment of a beautiful woman.” There was an enormous pause on the other end of the phone and he frowned. “Donna?”

Donna stood alone in the Bartlets’ kitchen holding the phone in death grip. She was just starting to get to place where she could even acknowledge she still had feelings for Josh. Could he have gotten tired of waiting her for to figure things out? Or for that matter, could she have misread his friendship as something more? When he’d said he loved her did he mean like a brother, a friend? Her battered heart and soul threatened to fold in on themselves at those thoughts.

“Donna?” Josh tried again. “Donna, are you there?” He looked at his phone to make sure the signal hadn’t faded or dropped out, but it looked fine, “Donna?”

Unexpected tears gathered in her eyes. She swallowed and took a breath to try and cover them. “So I guess you got lucky last night,” she said without malice. She couldn’t blame him for moving on. 

Josh laid in bed, HER bed, a little stunned at her words. “Did I get lucky....?” he asked in disbelief. After everything they’d been through, how could she think that he would.....he thought she knew where he stood. Hurt flashed through him.

Her tears were threatening to fall at that point. “Yeah, I mean you were out drinking and celebrating and I’m sure oozing that famous Lyman charm. What girl could resist that?” She knew, all things considered, she couldn’t. “Did you meet her at the bar you guys went to?” Again it was all said without malice or accusation.

He heard the tears in voice, which were in direct contradiction to her words, and was completely confused. “Donna what....?” Shoving his mounting hurt aside he flashed back over their conversation and tried to see it from her point of view. When he did that, things began to make sense. He also reminded himself that not only were her emotions all over the map these days, but she was still rebuilding her confidence and sorting out her feelings for him. When he also tossed in the way they’d misdirected each other in the past, it was crystal clear why their conversation had taken this turn. The hurt drained out of him and he smiled. 

The time for misdirection and misunderstanding between them was over.

“Yeah, I got lucky seven years ago when I found her standing my office in Manchester,” he replied quietly.

“What?” Donna said, thinking quickly. ‘Who did he meet seven years ago in Manchester?’ she wondered, not making the connection. That would have been during the President’s first campaign, she would have been there....she....Her heart began to beat faster. Could he be talking about her? “Josh?”

“Yes, Donna?” He could tell he was getting through to her.

She swallowed a large lump in her throat. “Are you sleeping in my apartment?”

“Yes, Donna.”

The tears did fall then. Everything he’d said had been so sweet and she’d jumped to the first handy conclusion. “Oh, Josh, I’m sorry.”

“Donna, it’s okay. Don’t cry,” he said, wishing he was there to hug her. “I wasn’t trying to tease you, I thought you knew where I stood. I never thought you’d think that....well, what you thought.” He paused for a moment as he decided whether or not to take a chance and tip his hand or not. Finally, he decided it was time to go with the truth. “I’m not looking for anyone else, Donna.”

His words only made her cry harder. “Oh, Josh....I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” She swallowed. “I’m not looking for anyone else either.”

Her words warmed him immeasurably. “Donna, please don’t cry. Not about this. It was just a misunderstanding. But from now on, I want you to promise that if you ever have questions about me...about us...you’ll just ask so we can talk about it. No more misdirection or covering up what you’re really thinking. Okay?”

Even though she knew he couldn’t see her, Donna nodded. “Okay.”

“Say you promise.”

She smiled and swiped at her tears, “I promise.”

Josh smiled. “Good. Now blow your nose.” He waited a moment until she did. “Did you have breakfast yet?”

“No, I called you first,” she replied, sounding much more steady.

“Well, eat a banana and something else healthy and then go get your chores done. I don’t want Mrs. Bartlet to ground you or anything for slacking off,” he teased. “I’ll call you tonight.”

“Okay.” His words seemed like a perfect opening for the other thing she wanted to tell him. “Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“I’ve been doing some thinking while you’ve been gone. When you get back here tomorrow can we talk about a couple things?”

“Sure,” Josh said. “Do I get a hint about the subject matter?”

“The future.” She paused. “I’m not trying to be evasive. I just want to talk to you about it in person.”

Josh didn’t know if he should be scared or not. “Can you at least tell me if it’s a good thing or a bad thing?”

She paused and wondered the answer to that question herself. It really depended on your point of view. “It’s good, at least I think it is.”

“Kay,” he said, only mildly reassured. He thought back to what Mike Casper had learned about Tim Henderson and Jenny Miller. Although he talked to her after talking to Mike, he hadn’t brought up that particular subject. “Actually, I’ve got a couple things to talk to you about in person too.”

“Okay,” she smiled to herself. “It sounds like we’ve got a lot of talking to do.” She paused and sniffed away the last of the tears. “Now,” she told him as she shifted gears. “You’d better get up. I assume you have senior staff in an hour. There should be bottled water in the fridge and Advil in the kitchen cabinet or in the bathroom medicine cabinet for your hangover. Promise me you’ll have more for breakfast than just a cup of coffee.”

“I promise,” he said. He liked that she looked after him.

“Okay. I’ll talk to you tonight.”

***********

It was almost dark as Donna stopped in the mud room. She toweled the dusting of melting snow off Harley and pulled the insulated covers, called ‘muttlucks,’ off his paws. ‘Muttlucks’ were basically dog booties that protected a dogs paws from cold, wetness and frostbite. Pulling a treat out of her pocket she handed it to him and sent him on into the kitchen. 

She pulled the wool cap off her hair and slid out of her heavy parka and gloves. After shaking the melting snow off in the wide utility sink, she hung them on the hooks set into the wall. Then she untied her muddy boots and pulled them off. She’d managed to get the worst of the mud and the muck off before she’d come inside but she’d have to wait until they dried to brush off the rest. Leaving them under the sink to dry and wearing her thick wool socks, she headed into the kitchen. 

The smell hit her first. The wonderful scent of chili that she knew Abbey had been simmering all day and the smell of cornbread baking in the oven. Unlike the President’s chili, the First Lady’s, while still wonderfully delicious, wasn’t so spicy it could double as paint stripper. Which, given her ulcer, Donna was grateful for. Snagging a banana from the bowl of fruit on the counter, she went to see what Abbey was doing.

She found Abbey in the living room watching the weather channel as she sat in front of a roaring fire. Hearing Donna’s footsteps she turned. “How is it out there?”

“There’s not much wind, but the snow’s coming down in buckets,” she replied. But we got all the horses and the cows put away. Donna replied, sitting down next to her on the couch and peeling the top half of her banana. “What are they saying about the storm?” 

Abbey turned back to the TV. “The news isn’t good, I’m afraid. It looks like the storm has stalled and won’t be moving through as quickly as they originally thought. D.C. is getting even more snow than we are.”

Donna looked at Abbey and then the TV screen. “It’s going to move through overnight though isn’t it? I mean it’s not going to hold up Josh’s flight or anything, right?” 

Abbey looked at her for a moment. “I’m sorry, Donna. It doesn’t look good. Right before you came in they were saying that the weather might not clear now before Sunday. The Manchester airport will likely be open in the morning but I doubt that Josh will be able to get out of D.C. They’re expecting Dulles and National to be closed for the next couple of days and even Baltimore is questionable.”

Disappointment flooded through Donna. Of course, she didn’t want Josh to travel if it was going to be dangerous, but she’d really missed him and as much as she enjoyed Abbey’s company, she had really been looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. “Oh.”

Abbey knew that the young woman beside her was terribly disappointed. She’d seen first hand how much Donna had missed Josh. And from what Jed had mentioned in passing last night, she wasn’t the only one. Josh had been moping around the White House too. The wheels in her head began to turn. There had to be a way. “Well, you never know, Donna. There’s always a chance the forecasters could be wrong.”

“Right, I know,” Donna replied, trying to sound convincing.

“Well, I’m going to go and check on dinner,” Abbey told her.

“Okay,” Donna said with a nod as she continued to stare at the TV.

On her way to the kitchen, Abbey made a quick detour to Jed’s study. What good was it to be the wife of the most powerful man in the world if she couldn’t do her part to see that someone got from point A to point B?

**********

Josh poured over the report, making notes on a large legal pad. The only light in his office was his desk lamp. He had two more reports just like it to review before his 7 pm meeting with Leo and Sam to talk about upcoming judicial appointments.

After his meeting, he could take all his notes and head back to Donna’s apartment to catch a few hours of sleep. Then he’d arranged a car to come and get him and all the stuff he’d collected for Donna and Mrs. Bartlet and take him to the airport for his early morning flight back to Manchester.

Tossing his pen down for a minute, he rubbed his eyes. Lord, he was tired. His hangover headache had never quite faded and the late hours he’d spent celebrating last night were catching up with him. He used to be able to do days like this standing on his head. ‘When did I get so old?’ he wondered.

“Josh?”

Hearing Sam’s voice from the door, he looked up and tried to blink away the tiredness. “Hey, Sam. What’s up?” 

While Josh had been back in D.C., Sam had stayed around to keep current on things, deciding to set up camp in his old office in Communications. He’d also been helping Toby out with an upcoming Thanksgiving speech the President was scheduled to give.

Sam stood hesitantly in the doorway. This thing with Josh and Donna, at least in its current incarnation, was fairly new and he wasn’t sure if he was about to put his foot in his mouth or not. “Hey, Josh. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry your trip got screwed up.”

Josh looked at him and blinked again. “What are you talking about, Sam?”

“Your trip to Manchester. I’m sorry that the weather screwed it up.”

“What weather? I still have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Um, the snow?” Sam tried. “The white stuff piled up outside your window? Haven’t you been watching TV?”

Josh looked out the window and was surprised to see a thick blanket of snow and what looked like more falling through the dark night sky. He glanced back at the dark TV screen. “No, I was trying to concentrate on these reports so I could get them done before our meeting.” He unearthed the remote from his desk, flipped the TV on and switched it to a local station. They were just giving a weather report and winter storm warning for the metropolitan D.C. area. Then they announced the fact that both airports had just been closed. “Oh, crap,” Josh replied.

**********

“Mr. President?” Debbie said as she stepped into the Oval Office. 

Jed looked up from the briefing memo he was reading. “Yes, Debbie?”

“Mrs. Bartlet is on line 3 for you.”

“Thank you, Debbie.” He waited until she pulled the door closed to give him some privacy. He picked up the receiver and pressed line 3. “Hey, Sweet Knees. You miss me?” Even though he’d just talked to her last night, he was happy to hear her voice again. In many ways, the rocky patch they’d survived after Zoey’s kidnapping had only to served to strengthen their marriage. Although he knew she was needed in Manchester right now, he’d missed her these last few weeks.

In spite of Abbey’s reason for calling, she smiled. She’d missed him the last few weeks she’d been in Manchester. “Of course, Jethro. So how are things going in D.C.?”

He glanced out the window. “Well, for a change we’re getting more snow here than you are in Manchester.”

“Well, we’re getting a pretty hefty amount of it ourselves.” She paused for a second, “Jed, speaking of the snow. I need a favor.”

“Sure, Sweet Knees. What is it?”

“I need you to find a way to get Josh up here tomorrow.”

“What do you propose, Abbey? It‘s not my fault there’s an early freak snow storm.”

“Jed, you work with some of the greatest minds in the country. I don’t care if you have the National Guard pick him up with a snow mobile but you guys need to put your heads together and find a way to get him to an open airport.”

“Just out of curiosity, why do you care so much about getting Josh up there?”

“Well, I didn’t want to have to tell you this but he and I are having a raging affair that everyone but you knows about. Why do you think, Jed?” she said in frustration. “Because Donna’s so disappointed her chin is dragging on the floor.”

Abbey had been keeping him apprised of everything that Donna had been going through, how much progress she’d made and how important Josh seemed to be to her recovery. For that reason alone he wanted to make this happen but he couldn’t pass up a chance to have a little fun with his wife. He leaned back in his chair and smirked, “What’s in it for me?”

“If you don’t get this done my mother will be making an appearance at Thanksgiving this year,” she replied. She knew that would get his attention.

“You know Abbey, there are laws against threatening me,” he commented.

“It’s not a threat. I like to think of it as......incentive.”

“Abbey, I can think of many, many acceptable forms of incentive you could give me and not one of them involves your mother,” he replied.

She grinned as the wheels in her head turned a little faster and she came up with a different tactic. “Okay. How about a trade then?”

“A trade? Well, you know, I am the leader of the free world and trade is kind of my middle name...”

“You don’t have a middle name,” Abbey shot back with a smirk.

“Abbey, if you want something you’re going to have to work with me here.”

“Right, Jethro, sorry.”

“And not calling me Jethro would help, too.”

“Do you want to hear my idea or not?” She replied. “It involves me and barbecuing.”

Jed leaned forward in his chair, “Abbey, you have my full and complete attention.” He listened with interest as she outlined her proposal. “Done,” he replied. “Josh will be there tomorrow or I’m not the President of the United States, or, you know, the King of Barbecuing,” he said with a grin. “And you, Sweet Knees, I will see in a couple of days.” He hung up the phone and walked over to the door that connected the Oval Office with Leo’s. 

Leo heard the President’s footsteps and stood up as he entered his office. “Good evening, Mr. President.”

“Good evening, Leo,” he replied. “I hate to bother you but I need your help with something.”

**********

“I’m really sorry, Josh,” Sam commented as he sat in one of the visitor’s chairs. “I know you really wanted to get back to New Hampshire.”

“Yeah,” Josh stared at the phone. He didn’t see how he could put off calling Donna any longer.

“You know...I’m glad.” 

Josh looked at him for a moment, not understanding. “What?”

“I mean, I’m not glad about you getting stuck here and all, but I’m glad about you and Donna. I just...I don’t think I told you that,” Sam said.

Josh looked at him for a minute. “Thanks, Sam. I know it’s made more work for you and I appreciate all you’ve been doing.”

“Hey, if it means Donna gets better and the two of you get to spend some time together then I’m happy to help.”

“Speaking of Donna, I guess I should call and talk to her,” Josh replied.

Just then the President and Leo appeared in Josh’s doorway. “Hey, Josh. Hey, Sam,” the President greeted them.

Josh and Sam immediately stood, “Good evening, Mr. President,” the two of them replied.

“Is there something we can do for you, sir?” Josh asked.

The President glanced at Leo and they exchanged an unreadable look. “Actually, Josh, it’s something I can do for you. You see, I just had a rather interesting call from my wife, threatening me with a visit from my mother-in-law if I didn’t have your ass in Manchester by tomorrow noon.”

Part of Josh wanted to jump up and down but then he realized how it could look, “Sir, I would never asker her to...”

Jed waved him off. “I know you didn’t. In case you haven’t noticed my wife and I happen to be very fond of Donna and we think that after all she’s gone through she deserves a break. Abbey tells me that when Donna found out that D.C. was effectively snowed in, she so disappointed that her chin could have been used to mop the floor.” He paused. “So Abbey and I plan to remedy that. Leo, would you like to take it from there?”

Leo took a step forward, a fatherly gleam in his eye. “A car’s going to be here in about 15 minutes. It’s going to stop at Donna’s apartment so you can get your things...”

Josh looked at Leo, “How did you know?” He hadn’t told anyone he’d been staying at Donna’s.

“’Cause you’re in love with her and I’m not stupid,” he replied. “Now if you’ll let me continue?” Josh nodded. “Then the car will take you to Andrews. In about an hour, there’s supposed to be a short break in the weather. When it does, we’ve arranged for a jet helicopter to fly you from Andrews to the Pittsburgh Airport. The full force of the storm’s not due to hit Pittsburgh until tomorrow afternoon, so we’ve booked you on the first morning flight. You’ll have to spend the night in the airport but you should get into Manchester about the same time you were originally scheduled to. A Secret Service agent will pick you up at the airport and take you out to the farm.”

Josh was speechless. “I...I don’t know what to say.”

“Well, that would be a switch,” the President muttered.

“Wait a minute, isn’t it breaking like 15 laws for me to take a military helicopter for personal business, especially when I’m a civilian?”

“Officially, you’re going as a courier for me,” the President explained. “Between the things that you’ve already collected to take back to Abbey and this envelope of important papers I’d like you to deliver to her, you qualify.” He said with a little grin as he handed the envelope to Josh.

Josh took the envelope and slid it into his backpack. “But what about our meeting tonight concerning the judicial appointments?” Josh asked Leo.

“You can still be in on it from the car and while you’re waiting at Andrews for the weather to clear,” Leo replied. He looked at his watch. “Well, we’ll let you have a minute to get your things together.” He and the President turned to leave.

“Thanks, Leo and thank you, Mr. President,” Josh replied.

The President stopped and turned back to him, “A couple of final thoughts before you take off, Josh. I’m sure you’re first instinct is to call and tell her that you’re coming but why don’t you let it be a surprise? Women love surprises. Then someplace between here and the farm I’d dig up some flowers for Donna. Women like flowers even more than surprises. And finally, since my wife tells me we’ve unofficially adopted Donna, if you hurt her I will see to it that someone breaks your kneecaps faster than you can say, ‘secret plan to fight inflation.’”

Josh swallowed, “Yes, sir.”

“Oh, and what’s this I hear about Abbey making you chop wood?”

“Well, sir, I...” he hesitated.

“Just what did you do to piss her off enough to get that honor?”

“I....well...I may sort of...maybe implied....accidentally....that she was cheating at solitaire.”

The President looked at him for a second, “Yep, that would do it. I’d recommend you not do that again or she’ll have you mucking out the stalls.”

“Yes, sir. Believe me when I tell you that was a lesson learned.”

“Good. Well, have a nice time, “ Jed called as he turned and walked out into the hallway where Leo was waiting for him. 

“So what was really in the envelope?” Leo asked as they walked back to the office.

The President smirked. “An agreement for Abbey to sign stating that she won’t invite her mother to Thanksgiving.”

**********

Holding the halter rope in her hand, Donna and Harley brought Star Fire out of the barn. Donna had volunteered to help exercise the horses. It had the dual purpose of giving her something to keep her mind off the fact that Josh wasn’t going to get there for another two days. 

She and Harley walked beside the horse as they made two circles around the wide paddock and then up to the main road. 

It was still and quiet, which of course only made her more contemplative. The sky had remained a dull gray but the snow had stopped falling earlier that morning, leaving everything coated in a sound dampening blanket of white. The crunch of their respective hoof, paw and foot steps as they moved over the snowy ground was the only sound she heard. 

She patted Star Fire’s neck as they continued up the road toward the main house. The chestnut colored mare was called Star Fire because of the brilliant white starburst on her forehead. Donna figured that they’d walk around the house and back up to the stables. 

As they neared the house, Donna heard a familiar thump coming from behind the house. Harley’s ears heard it to and with a start, he took off and disappeared behind the house. A moment later she heard his excited barking. With a frown she lead the horse in the same direction. Her heart was pounding as she rounded the corner. It couldn’t be who she thought was....could it?

And then there was Josh, big as life, standing there chopping wood. His jacket was off but he’d left his navy sweatshirt on. He was such a welcome sight, for a moment she considered tackling him into the snow.

“Hey, Donna,” he said, without breaking his rhythm. “I wondered when you were going to get back.” The casual tone of his words were in direct contrast to how he felt. His heart was nearly beating out of his chest at getting to see her. It had only been a week, and not even an entire week at that, since he’d seen her, but even bundled in her winter gear she looked wonderful.

“Josh?” she said, with a hard blink to make sure she wasn’t hallucinating.

“Yes?” he replied, resting the axe against the stump and turning toward her. 

Still not quite believing her eyes, she tied the halter rope to a nearby tree and slowly walked toward him.

Josh grinned at her, making his dimples stand out in full force. “What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

His words seemed to remind her feet how to work and she launched herself at him. “Josh!?”

Laughing, he managed to catch her and still keep them both upright as they hugged each other. “What? You were expecting, Sam?” he said into her hair.

She pulled back but they kept their arms around each other. “What are you doing here? When I talked to you last night you said you were stuck in D.C. and couldn’t get here until Monday.”

He looked at her for a moment and had a flashback to the night of the second inauguration and the snowball barrage against her window. Just like that night, her cheeks were rosy from the cold, her eyes sparkled, and he wanted nothing more than to kiss her. Only this time she was smiling instead of worried he was going to yell at her. “You look amazing,” he said, echoing his words from that night.

And just like that night, she smiled brilliantly in response. “And you didn’t answer my question.”

“You’ll have to repeat it, I was kind of distracted when you asked it the first time,” he said with a grin.

“What. Are. You. Doing. Here?”

“I’m chopping wood, or at least I was until you ran over here and tried to tackle me.”

“Josh,” she said, playfully punching him in the arm.

He looked at her for a moment, “It was a surprise.”

“But how did you get out of D.C.? I heard everything was shut down.”

“Well, that’s kind of a long, strange story.”

She smiled at him and took his hand. “Well, come on I need to take Star Fire back to the stable. You can come with me and tell me all about it.”

Hand in hand, the two of them, followed close behind by Harley, walked the horse back to the stable.

“So I spent last night in the Pittsburgh airport and caught the first flight out this morning,” he explained as she brushed down the horse. “I just told you I was still in D.C. so you’d be surprised.”

“Well, it worked. So how did you get into the house without me seeing you?”

“Ah, see that’s where staying at the home of a sitting President works to my advantage,” he replied.

She closed Star Fire’s stall door and leaned against it as she thought for a minute, “The agents?” 

He nodded and grinned, “And Mrs. Bartlet. I have spies everywhere. They had my car wait at the front gate until you’d gone into the barn and then they hustled me up and unloaded the car before you came out. Then they told me where you were and when they said you were coming up the road, I went out to start chopping wood.” 

“Since when did your stealth gene kick in?” She asked him as they walked out of the barn and headed for the back door of the house.

“Ever since I wanted to surprise you,” he said softly, giving her hand a squeeze. “I am now officially the King of Stealth.”

“One episode does not a monarch make,” she told him.

“Okay,” he said leaning down he pulled out the bouquet of yellow roses out from under the jacket he’d left laying by the axe. “But you have to admit I AM the King of Surprises.”

“Oh, Josh,” she said as she took them from him. Donna melted at the bouquet of roses he held out to her. She leaned in a took a deep breath of their fragrance. “Okay, I’ll give you the King of Surprises,” she said with a smile.

He was thrilled that the flowers were a hit. “Do I get a badge or crown or something?”

She looked up from the roses, a mischievous gleam in her eye. While he had scored big points with the surprises, she couldn’t have it going to his head or he’d be impossible to live with. “I wouldn’t go quite that far. While I do acknowledge that, yes, you are the King of Surprises, you were only able to pull it off with help from the leader of the free world, his wife, the Secret Service and the 52nd Airborne.”

“Be that as it may, it does not detract from my ‘kingliness,’ so from now on I would like you to address me as......oof” The next words were lost as Donna shoved him backward into a snow bank. “What was that for?” he demanded.

“Well, your head was getting a little swollen and I thought you might need to put some ice on it,” she said with a grin. “You see, while I agree you are the King of Surprises, I, you see, am the QUEEN of Surprises.”

Despite being covered in snow, he grinned up at her. “Okay, I conceded you are the Queen of Surprises.” He paused and his dimples broke out again. “But I bet I can make a better snow angel than you can,” he challenged.

Never one to let a challenge from Josh go unanswered, she looked down at him. “Oh, I don’t think so.” Laughing, she carefully laid the flowers on the back steps and then she dropped down into the snow a couple feet away from him and started rubbing her arms and legs back and forth as Josh did the same. 

Harley liking the new mysterious game that his human and her human were playing barked and danced playfully around them. Then, like any good dog, he dropped onto the snow and started rolling around in it himself. Of course he wasn’t trying to make a pattern like Josh and Donna were but he was having fun all the same.

Abbey heard the laughter and the barking and went to the window. She looked down into the backyard. Josh and Donna were laughing hysterically as they furiously waved their arms and legs back and forth, leaving the angel-shaped imprints in the snow. Harley was rolling around on his back, leaving something more like a round blob shape in the snow. Abbey smiled. She owed Jed big for this one and she knew it. She’d have to pack a certain ‘special garment’ when she went to D.C. in a couple of days.

**********

Donna finished up the dinner dishes and walked into the living room, where a large roaring fire was currently burning in the fireplace. Harley was asleep on the floor near the hearth. For a change, the stereo, rather than the TV, was switched on and was playing a variety of oldies music from the 50’s and the 60’s. 

She didn’t know where Abbey was, but Josh was in the study were he had retreated after dinner to take a call from Leo and the President.

Donna sat down on the wide sofa and, leaning back against the cushions, she stared at the fire. All the things she’d been thinking about while Josh had been gone, ran through her head. She just wished she knew what Josh was going to say when she told him.

“Hey,” Josh said quietly, laying his hand on her shoulder. He jumped when she startled under his touch. “I’m sorry, Donna. I didn’t mean to startle you. I thought you heard my footsteps,” he said sitting down next to her on the couch.

She shook her head, “No, it was my fault. I’m sorry. I was just thinking.”

Josh took her hand. “We both seem to have some things to talk about. Do you want to do it now?” 

She looked down at their clasped hands, the simple but unifying image of it gave her a little more courage. “Yes, if you have time, I think now would be good.”

“You want to go first?” he asked her.

“Could you go first?” she replied.

“Sure,” he said with more confidence than he felt. He didn’t really want to tell her what he found out from Mike but she’d been honest with him from the beginning and she deserved to know.

“Donna, I know you didn’t ask me to and you may be mad at me for doing it without your permission, but I asked Mike Casper to look into your Aunt Ruth and Uncle Tim.” He stopped there to gauge her reaction.

She looked at him, “I’m not mad, Josh. I’m sure you had your reasons. But can you tell me why? I mean, they’ve been dead for so long I’m sure there wasn’t much to find.”

“I did it because I wondered if this was a pattern with your uncle, and actually there was a lot more to find than you might think.”

Donna wasn’t honestly sure she wanted to know. “Like what?”

“Like the fact he was a predator.”

“What do you mean?” she replied.

“He was investigated for molestation twice before he married your Aunt Ruth and he was under investigation for statutory rape when he died.” Donna was silent but Josh could see the wheels turning. “Don’t you see? You weren’t his only victim, Donna. There’s no way you could have protected yourself from him. The only ones that could have helped you were your Aunt Ruth and your parents and they let you down.”

Donna sat there trying to absorb what he was saying. Taking into account what he’d just told her, there’s no way that what happened to her that summer was her fault. On an intellectual level she’d known that but this seemed to chase the lingering doubts from her heart as well. “It wasn’t my fault,” she whispered.

He squeezed her hand. “That’s right, Donna. It’s wasn’t your fault.”

She looked at him for a moment. “Thank you for that,” she said, quietly.

“There’s one other thing. Mike found the police report from the night of the fire. The night they died. He happened a little differently than you heard your Mom say it did.”

“Really? What happened?”

“There was a witness to what happened that night. It was the girl he was accused of raping. In her statement she said that your aunt came home and found your uncle and her together. Your Aunt flew into a rage and burnt the barn down around them. Only the girl made it out in time.” He wasn’t planning to get anymore detailed than that.

“Oh, my God,” Donna said. “I’m sure my mom said it was an accident.”

Josh thought for a moment. “It’s very possible that was the story she was told by the authorities. Apparently one of the reasons Henderson was never successfully prosecuted for the molestation charges was that his family was fairly prominent and saw to it that things were hushed up.”

“Oh, well I guess that makes sense,” she replied, again trying to take it all in. It was a sad footnote to that chapter in her life. And it brought her past into just a little bit sharper focus. She also had a feeling that knowing what Josh had just told her, would help her move forward that much sooner. It was yet another item she could clean out of her mental attic. 

“Donna?” Josh asked her. “You okay?”

She smiled. “Yeah. I am.” She gave his hand a squeeze. “Thank you for checking on this for me. I don’t know if I would have been strong enough to ask for it on my own.”

He looked at her for a moment, “Well, to be honest I had to try and DO something to help. I mean there wasn’t anyone left alive to punish and you know what a compulsive fixer I am. I guess I thought the least I could was give you the truth.”

She laid her free hand on his cheek. “You’ve helped me more than you’ll ever know just by standing by me through all this.” Her hand dropped from his cheek to cover their clasped hands. “I couldn’t have survived all this without your love and support.”

He tucked their hands against his chest and pulled her into a hug. “Thank you for letting me be there for you.”

They sat there for a moment. Donna knew that the moment had come for her to say what she’d been thinking. She pulled back and slid her hand from his. “Josh, do you remember those things that I said I wanted to talk to you about?” He nodded.

“Well, I need to say them now or they’re never going to get said.” She stood up and walked over to the fireplace. “I’m also pretty scared to tell you because I’m not sure you’re going to like what I have to say.”

He remained on the couch to give her some space. “Okay, now that you’ve scared both of us, tell me what’s on your mind,” he replied, his heart beginning to beat rapidly.

She took a breath. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the future,” she began. “It’s funny how reviewing the past can make you do that.” She took another breath and turned to face him. “I don’t want to resurrect Sydney.” She waited for a response.

“I don’t want that either,” he told her. “I don’t ever want that.”

‘Well, at least they we’re off to a good start,’ she thought. “In fact, I want to talk to CJ about putting together a plan for me going public about my ‘death.’” She paused. “I want to tell the Press as soon as they catch the Strangler. I think it’s the only way to get my life back. I don’t want to hide anymore.”

Josh nodded, “Okay. I agree.”

“Josh, I want to make some changes in my life,” she said quietly, but with utter resolve. It was time to rip the band-aid off. “I don’t think I want to go back to work at the White House. Even after they catch the Strangler.”

Josh felt his heart drop to his feet. He’d always imagined that eventually she’d go back to working with him. Their working relationship had always been something that defined who they were together. Not to mention the fact that having her close by made the worst day not so bad and the best day a celebration.

Donna read the stiffness in his posture and cursed silently. ‘Here’s where the train goes off the tracks,’ she thought. She pressed forward and hoped when she got done he would understand.

“I can’t always be your assistant, Josh. As much as I’ve enjoyed it, as much as it’s taught me, as many opportunities as it’s given me, and as much as I love working with you in the White House, on a professional level I need to find something for me. I want to finish school. I don’t know what I’m going to major in and I don’t know how I’m going to pay for it but I’m determined to do it.”

She paused. “Plus, with my ulcer and everything that’s still kind of going on inside me, I don’t think the high stress environment of White House is a really healthy place for me to be right now. And you know there’s going to be fall out when my resurrection goes public. Going back to work at the White House would only make it worse. With the administration being in its closing years it might not hurt the President, but I’m pretty sure that even CJ couldn’t spin it enough to keep it from hurting you and me.”

She paused. “In the short term I thought I’d talk to Sam about helping him set up his law office. Right now, I wouldn’t need to interact with clients except maybe over the phone so I could keep a low profile until they catch the strangler. I’m still thinking through the details,” she admitted. “I’d like your input if you’re willing to give it.”

Josh sat there, his heart barely beating. She didn’t want him. After all they’d gone through together, she was walking away. He’d always lived in fear of this day and now it had arrived on his front doorstep.

“But,” she began. “There’s also one very important reason why I don’t want you to be my boss anymore.”

He managed to swallow and he looked up at her. “Why?”

In that one word she could plainly hear the distress in his voice. She leaned against the wall by the fire place. “You.” He frowned and she hoped she was about to get through to him. “Do you remember when you told me once that you thought that someday things would happen for us?” she said, waving her finger between them. 

He nodded and she continued. “Well, I think so too. You see after the attack I didn’t think I had the capacity to have those feelings anymore. But being here and working through everything, I’ve realized that those feeling are still there and even though I’m still working out some of my....issues, I think, no I know, that there will come a time in what I think is the very near future that...you and I...that we,” she took a breath. “That we could have a future together.”

Josh blinked and what she was saying was finally beginning to get through. “You and I, we?”

She walked over, knelt down in front of him and took his hands in hers. “Yes, Josh. You and I, we. Don’t you see, Josh? I want to be a whole person for you and for myself and I want to make that journey as your partner not as your assistant.”

Josh stared at her, trying to put it all together. She wasn’t leaving him, she was just wasn’t going to work with him. “I work all the time. I’ll never see you.”

“Josh,” she said quietly. “First of all, the President is only going to be in office for two more years. Second of all, look at all the time we’ve spent together outside the office in the months since the attack. Did you ever stop to think that if you had a good reason to leave the office once in a while you would?”

He considered that for a moment. She’d made a couple of very distinct points. He used to make her work so much because it was an excuse to spend time with her that wouldn’t attract anyone’s attention. What she was saying was that if she wasn’t his assistant, he would no longer need an excuse to spend time with her. They’d have to take things slow because of everything she was still working through and until the Strangler was caught, they’d have to keep a slightly low profile but they could go out, have dinner, and date pretty much like regular people. 

Suddenly that sounded a whole lot more appealing than pouring over briefing memos with her late into the evening. She also knew his job was demanding and would understand when he did have to work. Plus there was the fact that he could still talk to her about things. Talking to her had always helped focus his argument and solidify his position. That wouldn’t change.

He looked at her upturned face. “It must have been really hard for you to tell me those things.” She nodded. “You’re not leaving me, you’re just leaving your job?” She nodded and smiled. He smiled back at her and gripped her hands. “We’ll find a way for you to pay for school.”

Her smile became a grin, “So you understand?”

“Personally things between us don’t change. Professionally we need to find you a new job,” he replied.

Her grin changed to a smirk. “Well, personally I hope things change between us for the better in the very near future....but yes, I think you get the idea.”

As they sat there, the stereo continued to play softly in the back ground. ‘Sitting on the Dock of the Bay’ started to play.

Josh looked at her, “Did I ever tell you how much I like this song?”

“No, I don’t think you mentioned it,” she said softly.

“Can I have this dance?” he asked her. Donna nodded and Josh stood, pulling her to her feet.

They’d danced at any number of official functions but it had always been measured and controlled. Never getting too close in case the wrong person was watching or drawing conclusions they didn’t want drawn. But that night they simply moved together to the music, not caring who saw them, only caring that they were there and together.

They took a turn around the living room with ‘Sitting on the Dock of the Bay’ and Donna whistled along with the whistling part. 

Josh sang along as they laughed and danced to ‘Brown-Eyed Girl,’ except that he loudly substituted ‘blue eyed’ for ‘brown eyed.’ 

They both laughed at their off-key rendition of “My Girl” and the fact that both of them seemed to have a hard time getting the words straight.

And when Abbey emerged from her small upstairs office about an hour later, she found them still dancing. They were quiet then, their arms wrapped tightly around each other, eyes closed and barely swaying to ‘Moon River,’ the theme song from ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s.’

Feeling like an intruder, but happy to see that all was right with the world, Abbey smiled and snuck down to the kitchen, got a snack and snuck back upstairs to her office.

TBC


	8. Broken Glass: Chapters 36-40

**********

Chapter 36 - MATURE

Josh walked into the barn and over to where Donna was milking the cow. He leaned over the edge of the stall door and smiled. “Hey, Heidi. You and the cows having fun?” The ‘Heidi’ was in reference to the fact that Donna was wearing her hair in two braids that morning.

Donna sat up and blew a stray strand of hair out of her face. Milking was getting a bit easier, but it was still a lot of work. She was on her first of three cows she was supposed to milk, and her back was already hurting from leaning over. “Josh, please tell me you didn’t come out here to make fun of me,” she said with a gleam in her eye. “‘Cause if you did you may learn first-hand how good a milk bath is for the skin when I pour a bucket of it over your head.”

“Careful now,” he said with a grin. “You’ll give me ideas with you and the milk bath.”

Now it was her turn to smirk, “Yeah, because you never have ideas like those on your own.”

“Well, where you’re concerned that’s true,” he smirked back. They looked at each other for a minute.

“Did you finish your call with Leo?” she asked quietly.

“Yeah, I think we’ve got the issues with the judicial appointments all sewn up.” He paused for a moment. “I came to tell you that you have a visitor.”

Donna looked at him a moment, her eyes taking on a look of seriousness. “She’s here?” 

Josh’s eyes softened and he nodded, “Yeah. Look, Donna, it’s going to be okay. She just wants to talk.”

Donna sat up and winced as a twinge went through her back. “You’re right. I know you’re right. I even asked her to come. I don’t know why I’m nervous now.” 

“Back hurt?” he asked her. She nodded and he moved behind her. Kneeling in the hay behind her, he slid his hands under her coat, leaving her flannel shirt separating them as he pressed his thumbs lightly into the middle of her lower back. “Here?”

“Yeah,” she said with a groan. Bending over to reach under the cow had been wreaking havoc with her back. Luckily, most of the cattle on the farm were steers and not dairy cows. 

Josh began kneading that area of her back gently with his thumbs as she leaned back into his hands. His fingers itched to touch her bare skin but for now he could survive on feeling the heat of her body through her clothing. “It’s okay to be nervous. Going forward with this is a scary step,” he told her.

Donna closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the feeling of his hands moving over her back. He’d been doing this for her for the last few days after she was done milking the cows before they turned in for the night. She’d quickly come to the conclusion that he had magic hands. 

Josh continued to press his thumbs into her back. She was quiet and relaxed in his hands. He wished they could stay that way, but he knew that their guest was waiting. “Donna?” he said softly. When he got no response he grinned and stilled his hands. “Donna?”

Donna shook herself. “Wha..?” she asked snapping out of the trance Josh’s hands had put her in. “Sorry. Your hands were giving me ideas of my own.”

He smiled at her. “Then my work here is done.” Reluctantly, he pulled his hands out from under her jacket and laid them on her shoulders. “You’ve got a visitor, remember?”

“Oh, right,” she said, clearly sorry that the moment between them had passed. She looked around and frowned. “Where is she?”

Josh grinned, “She’s in the house. After the snake incident the only way she’ll come in the barn is for the President himself.” He stood up and held out his hand. “Come on,” he said, helping her to her feet. “Take the milk you’ve already gotten and you can come back and finish with ‘Bessie’ here later,” He said, patting the cow lightly on the shoulder.

After leaving the milk in a special refrigerated room at the end of the barn, they joined hands and walked toward the house.

CJ stood in the front parlor and watched as the two of them approached the house. They were laughing at some private joke and if that wasn’t enough of a sign that things between them had changed, the sight of their clasped hands was a dead giveaway. Although if she was honest, CJ knew that things had started changing between them the day that Josh had found out that Donna had been assaulted and was in the hospital. 

All at once, CJ was struck by three reactions. The Press Secretary in her was vaguely annoyed and already thinking about fallout from their relationship. The friend part of her could only keep saying, ‘It’s about damn time.’ And the woman in her was jealous and wished it was her. Not with Josh, of course, since he was more like her annoying older brother than a possible romantic prospect, but she’d love to have such a special relationship with someone. Someone she could lean on and share things with. 

Hearing them coming in the mudroom, she shook herself free the lingering thoughts and went to meet them. “Hey, Donna,” she greeted warmly as they walked into the kitchen. The two woman hugged briefly. “You look great,” CJ told her and she meant it. She’d stopped by to see Donna shortly before she, Josh and Abbey had left for Manchester and she’d looked tired, troubled, and....sad, was the only way CJ could think to describe it. But now, even though she was still thinner than she should be, Donna looked glowing and happy.

“So do you,” Donna told her with a smile, admiring the wool suit CJ was wearing. 

“Mrs. Bartlet said to tell you hello.”

As part of the bargain Abbey had made with Jed to get Josh up to Manchester on schedule, she’d gone back to Washington to visit Jed for some quality time and, unbeknownst to everyone but Jed, a little ‘barbecuing.’ The following week, Abbey, Jed and the girls, along with their respective families and guests would be descending upon the Manchester house for Thanksgiving. Minus, of course, Abbey’s mother.

“Oh, thanks. If you see her, be sure to tell her that Josh and I haven’t burned the place down or anything,” Then she sobered a bit. “Why don’t we go in the study and talk?”

“Okay, sounds good,” CJ replied.

“I set my computer up in the dining room so I’ll be in there. If you need me, just yell,” Josh told them. He and Donna had discussed it and Donna wanted to try and do this on her own. He squeezed her hand and let it slide from his as the two women turned to go to the study.

“So what’s this I hear about you milking cows?” CJ asked her as they walked down the hall.

Donna smiled as they entered the study. She thought about closing the door but since Josh was the only other person in the house she didn’t see the point. “Barbara thought it might be a helpful form a therapy to work out in the barn.”

CJ frowned. “Why the barn?” she asked as they sat down on the wide sofa.

Donna stopped for a moment. She was so used to CJ knowing everything that she assumed Abbey or Josh would have told her about what she remembered about her childhood. It touched her that they had kept her confidence so completely. But Donna felt it was important for CJ to know the truth. Besides being the Press Secretary, CJ was her friend and she felt only right in telling her what she’d remembered.

“CJ,” Donna began. “Part of the reason we came out here to the farm was because I was having nightmares about a barn and didn’t know why. Barbara thought being on a farm and around a barn might help.”

CJ looked at her for a minute. “Did it?”

“Well, I guess that would depend on your opinion but, yes, I think it did. You see, I remembered some incidents from my childhood that I had forgotten,” Donna told her. She took a steadying breath. “I don’t want to go into too much detail but I remembered being molested by my Uncle in the barn he and my aunt had on their farm in Iowa.”

“Really?” CJ said shocked. 

“Yes. It happened the summer I was 12 years old and my parents sent me to stay with my aunt and uncle for the summer.”

CJ didn’t know what to say that didn’t sound trite, so she went with the first thing that came to mind. “Oh, Donna, I’m so sorry.”

“Well, I just thought you should know. I mean I can’t imagine how it would come up in the press or anything, but I...,” she smiled shyly. “I wanted you to know as my friend, too.”

“I appreciate that, Donna. I know it must have taken a lot for you to tell me.” She paused. “Are you going to press charges against your uncle?”

“No, he and my aunt died in a barn fire when I was 13.”

“Oh, well...I know I keep saying this but I really am sorry. On top of everything else you’ve been dealing with, remembering that must have been tough.”

“Yeah,” Donna said with a quiet nod. “I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t been hard. Therapy has helped a lot. We’re down from three days a week to just once and Barbara decided we could skip next week all together since it’s Thanksgiving.” 

Donna looked down at her hands for a moment. “The other thing that has helped me get better was Josh. I couldn’t have gotten through it without him.” She looked up at CJ. “And that’s why I wanted to talk to you about going public with my ‘resurrection’ just as soon as they catch the Strangler. See, I’ve been doing some thinking about the future.”

Donna got up and walked to the window. “I’ve already told Josh what I’m about to tell you so if you feel it’s necessary to talk to him then go right ahead, but my mind is made up.” She turned and looked at her. “CJ, I’m not going to come back to work at the White House. Not as Sydney and not as Donna Moss.”

CJ was a little stunned at that. Although Josh was with the campaign a couple of months before Donna arrived, now she just couldn’t imagine Josh without Donna as his assistant. But she could also see that Donna was determined. “What are you going to do?” CJ asked softly.

“For right now, I’m going to work for Sam. Josh and I have talked to him and I’m going to help Sam set up his law practice. You know, organize the office and set up his files. Then in the spring or fall I’m going to go back to school and finish getting my degree.”

CJ looked at her for a moment. A swell of pride went through her. It was the same feeling that always went through her when one of the Sisterhood started to take control of their life. “Good for you, Donna. I think that’s terrific.” She paused, “If you don’t mind me asking, where does that leave you and Josh?”

Donna smiled, “Exactly where we’re supposed to be. Together. Without work standing between us. I love him, CJ and he loves me. There are still things we’re working or, more accurately, I’m working on, but we’re committed to being together.”

She came back and sat down on the couch next to CJ. “Which is where you come in. When we go public with the fact that I’m not really dead, there’s going to be fallout. Potentially a lot of fallout. But I want to do everything I can to minimize the damage the news will cause the Josh and the White House. That’s why I want to get things all planned out ahead of time.”

CJ nodded. “I’ve already put together a number of ideas,” she told Donna. “And Leo and the President agreed with all of my recommendations and said that however and whenever you’d like to proceed they will support your decision.”

Once again, Donna was touched by the support everyone had shown her during the past few months. “Okay. What do you suggest I do?”

“Well, the fact that you’re not coming back to work at the White House is going to make things easier. So we’re going to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. We need to come at it from two fronts. First, we leak it to the print news. I’m thinking Danny since he knows you. Second, we’ll set up some kind of televised interview. Maybe with Diane Mathers. She did a fair job with Zoey’s interview. Although I’d recommend doing some practice before you went on with her so there won’t be any surprises.” She paused. “They may ask about you and Josh, especially if they connect the fact that you’ve both been here at the farm for the last few weeks.”

“You might as well know, he also stayed at my apartment the during the two weeks before we came up here. Not that the press is going to care, but it was platonic and because I needed him,” Donna told her. “I’d also appreciate it if you didn’t give him crap about it.”

“Well, we’re not going to mention that part to the press.” She paused and looked at Donna. “And I promise not to harass Josh about staying with you.”

“Thanks,” Donna told her with a relieved smile.

CJ moved on from the subject of Donna’s relationship with Josh. She figured, at this point, the less said on the subject, the better. “However, they are going to want to know where you’ve been for the last few months and they’re going to want to know about Sydney.”

Donna frowned, “I was hoping we could avoid that. I’d kind of like to forget Sydney ever existed.”

“I’m sorry, Donna, but it’s pretty much a forgone conclusion that they’re going to find out about her sooner or later. Some enterprising reporter will want to find out if Sydney knew anything about you being alive and they’ll go looking for her and they’ll find out that she didn’t go to back to California and she disappeared under rather mysterious circumstances. Reporters love nothing more than a good mystery. They’ll keep digging and eventually they’ll put two and two together and they’ll find out that you and Sydney were one and the same. Then it will be a thing because it looks like you, and consequently the White House, were covering it up. But if you’re upfront about Sydney right away it won’t leave them much room to make a fuss about it.” She smiled, “Well, except for the fact that you were effectively under their noses for three months and they didn’t know it. I can’t wait to see Danny’s face when he finds that out.”

Donna smiled back. “I guess you have a point.” She paused for a second. “What about my time in the hospital? The second time I mean. You know, when I was in the psychiatric ward and then in the regular hospital for cutting myself?”

“Look Donna, this is going to be my advice for a lot of issues that are outside of the White House side of the story. It’s going to be up to you to decide what you do and do not want to talk about. Since a lot of things fall in the category of privileged information between you and your therapist, I doubt that they’ll come up in an interview. But if they do, or you simply want to go public with those things and you want to speak out about them, then I think you should.”

“Well, I’m not sure I’m ready to go that far. I’m still trying to process everything for myself. I doubt I’m up for being the spokesperson for a given cause.” Although part of her thought that given a little bit of time that might change. If nothing else she wanted something positive to come out of what had happened to her. If she could help one child who was being abused and wasn’t able to tell anyone or someone was injuring themselves and thought no one could possibly know how they felt, then it would be worth all the pain she’d had to go through.

**********

“Thanks for coming, CJ. I know you’ve been really busy and it took you away from a lot of other things that needed your attention,” Donna told her as she and Josh walked CJ out to the car. The snow they’d gotten over the weekend had all but melted, leaving it very cold but dry outside.

“Well, this is what needed my attention right now,” CJ told her. “And I didn’t think that it was something we should just talk about over the phone.”

“We still appreciate you coming,” Josh said. 

CJ stopped next to the car. She suppressed a smile at how quickly Josh and Donna had become a unit outside of work. “Donna, whether you work at the White House or not, remember that you’ve got friends there care a lot about you and will bend over backwards to help you.”

“I know,” she glanced at Josh. “That has been the biggest lesson I’ve learned from this whole experience.” She smiled, “Oh! I almost forgot. Do you have any plans for Thanksgiving next week?”

“Nope.”

“Well, Josh and I are going to be having Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings at my apartment if you’d like to come over.”

CJ smiled, “I’d like that.”

“We’re going to eat about 1 pm. Josh is going to invite Sam and Toby, too, when he talks to them this afternoon.”

CJ smirked. “Well, that should take care of the entertainment. Toby and Samuel can always be counted on to provide quite the floor show. Can I bring anything?”

“Actually how about some kind of dessert? Maybe a pie,” Donna suggested.

“I don’t have to actually bake it myself do I?”

“Nope.”

“Okay, I’m in,” CJ replied. “So when do you guys head back for D.C.?”

“Sunday. We figured we’d give the Bartlets their house back for Thanksgiving since their daughters are all going to be here together.”

“You going to be back in the office on Monday, Josh?”

“Yep. That’s the plan,” he replied.

“Okay, well, I better get going or I’m going to miss my flight.” She climbed into the backseat of the car and rolled down the window. “I’ll talk to you guys next week.”

Josh took Donna’s hand as they watched the car pull away from the house and disappear down the road.

“Well, how did it go?” Josh asked her as they walked back toward the house.

“I think it went well. When the time is right she thinks we should leak it to the print media...”

“Namely, Danny.”

She smiled. “Right. Leak it to them first and then do some kind of follow-up interview, maybe with Diane Mathers.”

“Hmmm. Are you sure you’re ready for that?” he asked her. “CJ’s always saying how Diane can even make dictators cry on camera.”

Donna sighed, “No, I’m not sure I’m ready at all. But at least I don’t have to do anything about it right now. After all, they haven’t caught the Strangler yet.”

“Well, you have a point there.” He pulled her into his arms. She looked like she needed a hug. “Don’t worry, Donna. We’re going to get through this just like we’ve gotten through everything else.”

“I know,” she said softly.

He pulled back and smiled. “Hey, how would you like some help with milking the cows?”

She looked at him with a smirk, “Josh, do you even know how to milk a cow?”

He grinned as they started walking toward the barn. “Nope. You can show me or, you know, I can make fun of you while you do it.”

“How does that help me?”

“Well, I guess it doesn’t help you so much as it provides entertainment for me,” he replied with a smirk.

Donna looked at him for a minute, “While you’re making fun of me will you occasionally give me those back rubs you’re so good at?”

His eyes met hers and he grinned, “I think that can be arranged.”

********** 

“Throw the ball!” Josh yelled at the TV. The quarterback wasn’t able to get the ball off before he was tackled. “Aw, man. These guys suck!” 

It was late afternoon on the day after Thanksgiving and Josh, Toby and Sam were watching college football at Sam’s new apartment. With the President in Manchester, Leo had, barring a national emergency, kicked them all out of the White House until Monday.

“Well, if you weren’t rooting for Arkansas, you might actually, you know, enjoy the game,” Toby commented. 

“Shut up, Toby. Don’t start gloating just because LSU is playing a freakishly good game.”

“The only thing that’s freakish about this game is the fact that the Arkansas quarterback throws like a girl,” Toby shot back.

“Aimes does not throw like a girl, they’re saying that he’s in the running for the Heisman trophy this year.”

“Yeah, maybe in Bizarro world.”

“Toby!” he said, trying to think of a good comeback. When none was forthcoming, turned on Sam. “And what are you smirking at?”

Sam grinned, unfazed by Josh’s blustering. “I’m just glad it’s you he’s picking on you for a change and not me.” He took a bite of the turkey sandwich he’d made from the Thanksgiving leftovers Donna had sent over with Josh so they would have something to eat besides beer and Doritos while they watched the games. 

Just then Josh’s cell phone began to ring. “Saved by the bell,” he muttered as he pulled it out. Then he frowned slightly as he saw the ID on the display. He walked into the kitchen for some peace and quiet as he answered it. “Hey, Mike.”

Mike Casper skipped the preamble and cut right to the chase. What he had to say nearly made Josh drop the phone. “We got him.”

**********

As for CJ and Donna, they were braving the cold, rainy weather to hit all the day after Thanksgiving sales. Donna was wearing a semi disguise composed of her own jeans and one of Josh’s baggy sweatshirts and his beloved Mets baseball cap. She also had his credit card in her wallet so she was able to could cut a swatch in his Christmas shopping while she did hers. She’d left Harley back at the apartment and hoped that she’d find her furniture in one piece when she got back.

“Well, I think between the two of us, we’ve cleaned out every major department store in metropolitan D.C.” CJ told Donna with a laugh as they rode in CJ’s car on the way back to Donna’s apartment.

“That’s the truth. I still think you came up with the best bargain of the day with that cashmere sweater you got for your niece at 50% off. She’ll love it.”

CJ grinned. “Yes, now that Hogan’s in college she’s more of a clotheshorse than I am.”

Donna laughed, “Well, that’s teenagers for you.” Her laughter slowly faded and she looked out the window. Today had felt so...normal. She’d missed normal in the last few months and it suddenly seemed very precious. “CJ?”

She felt the shift in Donna’s mood, “What?”

“Thank you for today,” she said quietly. “I had fun.”

CJ glanced from the traffic to Donna and back again. “I had fun too,” she said. “And if I remember correctly, it was your suggestion so let me thank you. I get so busy at the White House I don’t usually get to take time for regular, fun stuff like Christmas shopping.” CJ pulled the car up in front of Donna’s building. The rain had stopped for the moment but the sky still looked heavy and ready to spill over again any minute. 

Donna smiled, “Yeah, I think the last time Josh gave me time off to go Christmas shopping was two years ago when I promised to buy him something while I was out.”

CJ looked at her for a minute, her eyes soft with understanding, “You had that covered this time though, didn’t you? I think half the stuff you bought was for him or his friends and family.”

“Yeah, well, Josh is useless when it comes to shopping. I took over buying his Christmas gifts a long time ago.”

CJ was quiet for a moment. “You know Donna, the rest of us haven’t been blind to the fact that both you and Josh have always had a unique relationship. And I’d be lying if I said the Press Secretary part of me hasn’t been living in fear of the day when you’d both wake up and do something about it and the headaches that would ensue with the press over it.”

She stared at Donna for a minute, trying to pick the right words. “But even the friend part of me was a bit skeptical that Josh would be the right guy for you.” Donna started to protest but CJ raised her hand to stop her. “I love Josh like a brother but he can be very self-absorbed and arrogant. It’s part of what makes him so great at what he does. I wanted to see you with someone who would put you and your needs above their own.”

She paused. “Knowing Josh the way I do, I never thought anything would come before politics in his heart. But believe me when I say that what I’ve seen in the last few months has shown me how wrong I was. You definitely come first for him. You’re his center, Donna, and he’s yours. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you two are working things out. You guys belong together. You bring out the best in each other.” CJ smiled, her eyes a little unexpectedly misty. “And I’m so jealous I could just kill you both.”

Donna swallowed the tears that had formed in her own eyes. “Thanks, CJ. Really, it means a lot to hear you say that.”

“Now, enough of this mushy stuff,” CJ said with a sniff. “Let’s get all your loot inside.”

Between the two of them they managed to get all of Donna’s bags inside. Donna was pleased to see that Harley had left the apartment intact.

“Josh is going to faint when he sees all the stuff you bought,” CJ said with a grin.

“No, he won’t,” Donna said with a confident gleam in her eye.

“How’d you manage that?”

She grinned, “I made him promise that he wouldn’t say a word about what I bought or he could do all his shopping himself.”

“And that worked?”

Donna smirked, “Well, that and the fact that I told him if he said anything he’d be sleeping on the couch.” She’d already told CJ she and Josh were sharing a bed most nights but it was only platonically.

CJ grinned, “I’ve taught you well, Grasshopper.”

Donna gave a little bow, “Indeed you have, Master.”

“Well, you’ve worn me out so I’m going to head for home. What are you up to for the rest of the day?” CJ asked as they walked to the door.

“Since he’s been cooped up all day, I’m going to take Harley for a walk. Then, since I sent all the leftovers to Sam’s with Josh, I’m going to have to think of something feed Josh when he gets back.” Stopping at the front door, she looked at the kitchen and found that she was too tired to even consider cooking. “And right now, I’m thinking take-out from Wong’s Imperial Palace.”

“Sounds like a plan to me.”

“How about you?” Donna asked her as they stood in the open doorway.

“I think I’m going to go home, light a fire in the fireplace, open a bottle of wine and wrap the presents I bought today while I have a chance,” CJ replied.

“Oh, a glass of wine does sound good. Maybe I’ll open a bottle too and see if there are any good Christmas movies on TV.” Just then, Donna’s cell phone started to ring. “Oh, I better get that.”

“That’s my cue. I’ll talk to you later,” CJ called as she headed for the stairs.

“Bye, CJ!” Donna called after her. Quickly closing the door and throwing the dead bolt, she made it to her purse in time to get the call. She frowned when she saw it was Mike Casper. She pressed the ‘talk’ button. “Hi, Mike. Happy Thanksgiving.”

“Hi Donna. Happy Thanksgiving.” His voice was bursting with excitement. “I’ve got some news for you.”

“About what?”

“The Strangler. Donna, we caught him.” 

Stunned, Donna sank down onto the couch. She hadn’t been expecting that answer and it had been a punch to the gut. “What?”

“We’ve got the Strangler in custody.”

She just couldn’t believe it. “You’re sure it’s him?”

“Absolutely positive. I waited to call you until we were sure. We actually took him into custody last night but we did some fingerprint and DNA tests just to make sure we had the right guy and he matches everything right down the line. It’s him. We’re going to have a press conference with the DC police in about an hour but I wanted you to hear the news from me and not the TV.”

Donna’s head was spinning with the news. “What?....oh, I appreciate that Mike.”

“Is Josh there? I want to tell him too.”

“No, um, he’s over at Sam’s watching football,” she managed to say. “He’s got his cell phone though if you want to call him.”

“Okay, I’ll do that,” he paused. “Donna, you sound a little strange. You okay?”

Donna shook herself, “Oh, sure. Of course. This is great news. Thanks for all your hard work on this, Mike.”

A smile entered his voice, “I’m just glad we finally got him. I have to go now so I can call Josh and then get to the press conference.”

“Right,” Donna managed. “Thanks again for calling, Mike.”

“Talk to you later,” he said and then he hung up.

Donna sat there on the couch staring at the phone in her hand. Then she turned it off as if that would erase the call that she’d just received. They caught him. They’d caught the monster that had hurt her and tried to kill her. The same one that had killed all those other women. She couldn’t seem to get her mind around it. 

After a minute, her mind seemed to change gears in self-defense. She’d been planning to do something. What was it? Oh, yes. Harley. Harley needed to go out for a walk. Still in a daze, she slipped the switched off cell phone in her pocket, picked up Harley’s leash, snapped it onto his collar and took him outside. A light misty rain had begun to fall again but she took no notice of it as she and Harley walked away from the apartment. 

A cold, hard rain began to fall in earnest as they walked along the tidal basin towards the Jefferson Memorial. She didn't feel it soaking her coat, Josh’s sweatshirt, her jeans and down into her tennis shoes. Didn't quite feel the dampness settle into her body. The strap of Harley's leash bit into her hand, not because he was pulling at it but because she was gripping it so hard. Harley, ever faithful and completely soaked by the rain, walked steadily and quietly by her side. He seemed to understand her need to walk aimlessly.

How could the news that they'd caught her attacker send her into such a tailspin? She should be happy. She should be relieved. Why wasn't she? Because now she had to face what she hadn’t. The attack four months ago. The gaps in her memory and the fact that she’d been working so hard on what had happened in her childhood, had conspired to keep her mind off of dealing with it. 

Unless he confessed or was deemed legally insane, there would be a trial and even though she, thankfully, wouldn't have to testify because of her lack of memory, the evidence they'd taken from her body would be used against him. She’d have to go public with the fact that she was alive. Soon. Very soon, because it would most likely come out at the trial. She thought she was ready to do that, but now that the time had pretty much arrived she wasn’t so sure. She knew that to take her life back she had to do it and she had to face this monster in court but it didn’t mean that it wasn’t scaring the crap out of her. 

Barbara would probably say that on at least one level it was a good thing. She was facing another demon. Unlike her Uncle, this monster was very much alive and would be held accountable for what he’d done.

As far as she’d come in the last few weeks, a small part of her wanted to go back to the place in her life before the incident. That's what her life had come down to, "BI" and "AI.” "Before the Incident" and "After the Incident.” Incident was the best way she had to describe the attack. She couldn't remember enough of it to justify calling it anything else. 

‘But,’ she sighed, ‘going back is not an option.’ If only he'd bashed her head hard enough to destroy her memory all together. Actually if he'd hadn't screwed up and he’d been able to kill her as he'd intended, maybe it would have been best all around. That thought brought her up a bit short and she sat down on a bench facing the water. Harley sat down on the ground next to her, patiently resting his chin on her knee.

Part of her wished he'd killed her. It wasn't something she'd realized or acknowledged until that moment. Death would have been the ultimate level of not feeling anything. Maybe it had all been a mistake, she thought. Maybe she had been meant to die that night. Maybe someone had made an error in the great scorebook of life and she was here but wasn't meant to be. Maybe....

‘No,’ she thought firmly. ‘It wasn’t that. It couldn’t be that.’ Too much had happened, too much that was good in her life, to say that it was all a mistake. There had been a time when she would have believed that life would be that cruel but not anymore. Not after everything that had happened with Josh.

She looked down at Harley, who hadn't moved from her side or his head from her knee. ‘Stalwart Harley,’ she thought, running her hand over his wet head. Where would he be if she’d been killed that night? Odds weren’t good for a 2-year-old dog getting adopted. Even one as cute and smart as Harley. Most people wanted a puppy or a purebred. Would he still be in the pound if she hadn’t been there to adopt him? What if he’d been adopted by someone who was mean or who didn’t appreciate his specialness? Or worse yet, what if he’d been put to sleep because nobody wanted him? She knew what it was to have no one want you and she wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Man or beast. 

And then what if she’d died in the hospital either because of Dr. Todd’s overdose or her infection? She looked down at Harley again. Josh would have either kept Harley or made sure that he had a good home. The image of Josh trying to take care of Harley caused a tiny smile to tug at her mouth. ‘They’d probably be living on burgers masquerading as charcoal briquettes,’ she thought.

Taking a breath, she remembered back to what she’d and Gram had talked about. She had a purpose, Gram had told her. Donna now saw that she hadn’t just been talking about what had happened in her childhood but also what had happened months ago as well. Surviving the attack had been a gift and it wasn’t one she could afford to waste.

So why was she sitting on this park bench feeling a lost and scared? She sighed tiredly. Today had been a good day too. For just moment, she’d felt normal. Now normal seemed a world away.

**********

Josh turned from Constitution Avenue onto 17th Street and then slowly drove past the John Paul Jones statue at the edge of the Tidal Basin. ‘Where could she be?’ he wondered. After he’d gotten the call from Mike, he wanted to be the first one to rejoice with her over the news. So he’d tried to call her but gotten no answer on her cell or at the phone in her apartment. He’d been relieved when he’d finally gotten a hold of CJ and found out that Donna had planned to take Harley for a walk. She’d probably just forgotten to take her cell phone with her.

Starting at her apartment, he made sure she hadn’t come back from her walk. Then getting back into the car, he drove the route he knew she usually took Harley on. But she wasn't there. He'd slowly widened his search area and had become more and more concerned when the bad weather had set in and he still wasn't able to locate her. Following a hunch he'd steered toward the Tidal Basin. He knew she liked the cherry trees, even when they weren't in bloom, and would come to the Tidal Basin to walk Harley on the rare days he’d given ‘Sydney’ a lunch hour. It was kind of a long walk from her apartment but he was running out of places to look.

Driving past the Jefferson Memorial, he watched carefully for signs of her and Harley. His heart jumped with recognition and relief as he saw her sitting on a bench, Harley sat next to her. Trying to suppress a flash of frustration, he pulled over and parked the car. She didn't even have an umbrella and even from the car he could tell she was soaked. "And you say I need a keeper," he mumbled, with rueful smile. 

Climbing out of the car, he crossed the grass to the bench where she was sitting. Harley, every watchful, raised his head at Josh's approach. If Donna noticed his arrival, she gave no indication.

Realizing it was Josh, Harley stood and wagging his tail, moved to greet Josh. If a dog could be relieved he would look just like Harley did as Josh stepped up in front of the bench. His large brown eyes almost seemed to say, 'I'm so glad you're here, please help her'.

"Hi Harley," Josh said, rubbing Harley behind the ears. He knelt down in front of Donna, Harley taking a position next to him. "Donna?"

She turned to look at him for the first time, blinking in a mild look of surprise. "Josh," she said, her own voice sounding hollow. "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you," he said. "What are you doing out here in the rain?"

"I...." she began. "....I was walking Harley." 

"Donna, it's pouring out here. You don't even have an umbrella. You're soaked."

"I forgot it," she said, quietly. So quietly he almost didn't hear it over the sound of the rain.

She looked pale, tired and dazed, he thought. Apparently for her, the news about her assailant had not been so welcome. He had no idea why that was, but intended to find out. But first things first. The first order of business was to get her out of the rain. He pulled Harley's leash out of her hand. "Come on," he said, standing. He held out his other hand. 

She looked up at him, her eyes impossibly young and lost. His heart broke for her. After a moment she slid her hand into his. Pulling her to her feet, Josh slid his arm around her waist and steered her toward the car. He loaded her into the front seat, Harley into the back, and then climbed in himself. Turning the heater on full, he pulled back onto the road. They drove through the city in silence, Donna slumped into the front seat and Harley curled up in the back.

**********

When they got back to her apartment, he found a space right near the front entrance and parked. She didn't say anything or make any move to get out. Opening his door, he climbed out and took hold of Harley's leash. Harley jumped slowly, tiredly out of the car and stayed right by Josh's side as they came around to Donna's door. Josh pulled open her door, and taking her gently by the arm, helped her out of the car and into her apartment.

So Harley wouldn't drip water all over the house while he took care of Donna, Josh dried him off quickly but thoroughly with a towel. Harley, knowing that Josh was on the case, curled up on his big pillow and promptly went to sleep. Josh then turned up the heat a bit to make sure it was warm enough in the apartment. That’s all he wanted to do for her, he thought. Keep her warm and safe. Well, there were a couple other things he wanted to do for her but now was not time for his hormones to make an appearance. 

Donna was attempting, with little success, to take off her soggy coat when he returned. “Let me help you with that,” he said, softly. Gently, silently, he pulled off her wet coat. He hung it on the coat rack near the door and turned to give her the once over. As he suspected, the clothes beneath hadn't faired much better than her coat and were soaked. She’d started shivering slightly and was trying to pull off the wet sweatshirt she had on but her cold stiff hands were just about useless. He rubbed her hands and arms, trying to warm her up a bit. But since his hands weren’t much warmer than hers, it was quickly apparent that it was a study in futility. “Donna, you’re freezing. Let’s get you into a hot shower.”

“You’rrre cold, tooo,” she said, still shivering.

“Donna, I’m not sure either of us ready to shower together,” he joked.

“Wouuuld conserrrrve waterr,” she tried to joke back. Then she had an idea. “Weee could leave ourrrr underrrrwear on.”

He looked at her, “It’s not going to be weird or anything for you?”

“Wouldn’tttt havvve suggested it ifff it was,” she replied.

Taking her by the hand he lead her into the bathroom and sat her down on the toilet lid. Turning the shower on to heat the water he turned back to her. Together they managed to get her stripped down to her bra and panties. Then he followed suit, quickly taking off everything but his boxers and tossing all their soggy clothes into the bathroom sink. 

Huge clouds of white fluffy steam began to fill the bathroom. After testing the water to make sure it was hot but not scalding, he gently tugged Donna into the shower with him. He stood her directly under the spray where the hot water would rush over her the most. 

There was nothing sexual in the tender way the touched her. That wasn't what the moment was about. He was there to look after her and he studiously avoided noticing that the water had turned her white bra and panties nearly transparent. There would be time to explore what he was denying himself now. He didn't reach for the soap or the shampoo, instead, just letting the heated water do its work. 

As the hot water began to thaw her out, Donna sagged against him, resting her head on his shoulder and putting her arms around him. “Thank you for taking care of me, Josh,” she said, quietly. Together they stood under the surging hot water. Part of her brain was trying to tell her that she was standing, nearly naked in her shower with Josh and that maybe she should be actively doing something about it. But besides it not being the right time, she couldn't muster up the energy to think about it too hard. 

When Josh felt the water begin to cool slightly, he reached past her and switched the shower off. "Wait here a minute," he said, softly as he helped her sit down on the edge of the tub. Grabbing two towels he wrapped her up in them. As she dried herself off, he turned his back to her and quickly shucked off his wet boxers, wrapping a towel securely around his waist. Going into the bedroom he pulled on a dry pair of boxers, a pair of sweat pants and a Harvard t-shirt. Then he hunted up something for her to wear. Settling on a pair of flannel pajamas he'd seen her wear, soft blue ones with little cows, jumping over little moons, a thick pair of socks and a pair of blue cotton briefs, he went back into the bathroom.

She was slowly toweling off her hair when he came in. Josh tossed his soggy boxers in the bathroom sink. “I brought you something warm to put on,” he told her as he set everything on the corner of the sink. “You need any help?”

She looked up at him and smiled gently, “No, I can get it.”

He nodded. “Okay, I’m going to go and make us some tea.”

“Kay,” she said. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

Josh nodded and walked out to the kitchen. He filled the kettle and put it on to boil. As he waited for her and the kettle he paced the small kitchen. He was worried. He was afraid she was slipping away from him again. Something had to be done. It was time for him to take some action, whether she wanted him to or not. 

Donna walked into the living room and settled herself tiredly on the couch, covering herself with a soft, thick blanket.

“I’m sorry if you were worried, Josh. I guess I lost track of the time,” she said as he walked into the living room.

He walked over and stood in front of her, his hands in the pockets of his sweat pants. “Donna,” he began softly. He kept his voice low and steady but firm. “This can’t go on. I care about you too much to see you do this to yourself. You’re forcing me to take drastic measures. I’m invoking my privilege as someone who loves you and pulling out my own set of ‘The Rules.’ It’s going to be my mission to see that you follow them just like you made me follow them.

So...here they are. Now these are just preliminary mind you, ‘cause I only have experience following the rules, not making them. So bear with me.” Josh began to pace in front of her.

Something in Donna stirred. The Rules. He was pulling “The Rules” on her. He really did love her. When she’d used The Rules on him after Rosslyn it had been her way of loving him when she’d had no other means to express it. 

“Rule 1, No going out in the rain without an umbrella.

Rule 2, If you can’t sleep we’ll watch movies, I’ll tell you bedtime stories, we’ll play Scrabble, whatever it takes.

Rule 3, You’re going to start eating again. Don’t think I haven’t noticed that, except for Thanksgiving yesterday, you’re still not eating enough. So from now on, whenever possible, we will have all meals together. An example of a typical lunch meal will be a hamburger burnt beyond all recognition and fries for me and salad for you. However, when it comes time to actually eat, we will split your salad and you will be required to eat all my fries. And if necessary I will force feed you milkshakes in the flavor of your choice.”

Her heart felt like it would burst from the wave of love coursing through it.

“Rule 4, If you need a shoulder to cry on for whatever reason or for no reason at all, I’m your guy.

Rule 5, If you’re tempted to cut yourself, you will call me or find me and we will talk it out. Consider me your Sharp Objects Anonymous Sponsor. In turn, if I ever feel like putting my hand through anything made of glass I will call you.”

Suddenly, she realized that all feelings of fear and being lost that had been going through her head since Mike had called, were stupid. She had Josh, and with him by her side she had everything to live for and nothing to fear. Tears, like storm clouds, moved to gather in her eyes.

“Rule 6, Remember that I love you very much,” he finished, coming to a stop in front of her. He’d laid his heart bare before her. The next move would be hers to make.

Donna looked up at him and he watched as the tears gathered in her eyes and started to course down her face. ‘Oh, God I went too far,’ he thought as his heart twisted. She wasn’t ready for The Rules. He went to her, pushing the coffee table aside and kneeling in front of her. “Donna? Donna, I’m sorry. I didn’t know The Rules would make you cry. Hey, we can negotiate The Rules. Make me an offer. You know how I love to negotiate, heck I make my living negotiating with Republicans and you know how tough they can be.”

“No, don’t be sorry. I love The Rules. In fact, right about now, I’m thinking I need to invoke Rule Number 4.” They were the last words Donna were able to get out. She just leaned forward and wrapped her arms around Josh, burying her face in his neck. 

Relieved she wasn’t crying because of him, and wanting to be closer to her, Josh shifted and climbed onto the couch with her. He gathered her into his lap, keeping the blanket wrapped tightly around her. As much as her sobs tore at his heart, he was secretly glad that she seemed be finding some release to the pain and emotions she been fighting over the last few months. He knew when she didn’t cry was when he had to worry. “Let it out, honey,” he said, stroking her back in small circles.

Her sobs slowly subsided and she shifted in his arms so she could look at him. “I’m sorry, Josh.”

“Don’t be sorry,” he told her. “You want to talk about it?”

She nodded, “I do, but tomorrow, not tonight. Tomorrow morning I’ll tell you everything,” she told him. “But for tonight I just want you to hold me and let me fall asleep in your arms.”

He laid his hand on her cheek and brushed his thumb over the residual wetness there. “Good, because there’s no place I’d rather be. Is now too soon?”

She shook her head and climbing out of his lap, she stood up and held out her hand to him. “No. Now is perfect.”

Taking her hand, Josh stood up. “Let me just turn off the tea kettle.” Moving into the kitchen he turned off the burner and flipped off the kitchen light.

She was waiting for him when he came back into the living room. Taking her hand in hers, he leaned over and used his free hand to switch off the lamp, plunging the room into near darkness. The only light in the room was coming from the early evening outside.

Donna felt Josh move to lead them into the bedroom but she stopped him. “Josh?” she said into the darkness. “You know what you said in Rule 6?”

“Yeah?” he replied in a voice barely above a whisper.

“I love you, too.”

Josh’s heart ground to a halt. It touched him to hear her say the words so plainly and beautifully. He felt her hand come up to his cheek. Then he felt her breath on his lips. In the darkness he felt the warmth of her body as she moved closer to him. Her hand slid from his cheek to the back of his head. A slight tremor went through him as her fingers trailed through the damp hair at the nape of his neck. With a gentle pressure at the back of his head, she pulled him closer and brushed her lips tentatively against his.

This was completely different than what had happened the night she’d woken up from her nightmare and turned to him for physical comfort. The emotional component he’d told her was missing then was now very much present and she was letting him know, without words, that he could stop her if he wanted to. But this time, stopping her was the last thing on his mind.

Donna shivered slightly as she felt Josh respond. Slowly, he tangled his fingers into her wet hair. Just as she had done, he used a gentle pressure on her head to pull her closer and their lips met in earnest.

Things were heated as their lips explored each other. Searching, giving, plundering. The kisses were passionate and full of promise and made Donna’s whole body feel awake and alive for what felt like the first time in a long time.

Josh nibbled on her bottom lip, making her moan softly. Almost instinctively, she opened her mouth to him. Their tongues tasted and explored each other and still it wasn’t enough. Finally, needing to come up for air, they broke apart. Resting their foreheads together they stood breathing hard in the darkness.

“That was amazing,” he finally managed.

“Definitely exceed my expectations,” Donna replied in between breaths.

“We’re going to be doing more of that,” he told her with a smile. “A LOT more.”

She smiled back at him in the darkness, “You bet your ass we are.”

He chuckled. “Come on, how about for right now, let’s get some sleep?” he said softly.

“Kay,” she replied. Taking his hand, she lead him into the bedroom. Climbing under the covers they snuggled into each other’s arms and were both asleep in minutes.

TBC

***********  
Chapter 37 - MATURE

Donna drifted in a warm cocoon. It was Josh’s arms around her that she felt first. Then his legs tangled with hers. And finally his cheek pressed lightly against the top of her head. Trying to shift as gently and quietly as possible so she didn’t wake him, Donna looked up at him. And found him looking back at her with a small, slightly bemused smile on his face.

“Good morning,” he said, his voice husky with sleep.

Donna looked at him for a moment, then she stretched up and kissed him lightly. “It is now.”

Josh’s bemused smile became a smirk, “You know that’s twice you’ve made with the kissing. I’m going to have to get to work if I’m going to catch up.”

She snuggled up against him, a sleepy smile on her face, “I’m ready whenever you are.”

He watched her for a minute then he leaned down and captured her lips. He nibbled and teased her mouth until she started laughing. Pulling back he looked at her with a frown. “Just a little tip. When I kiss you, I usually take laughing as a bad thing.”

She pressed her fingers to her smiling mouth, trying to suppress another laugh. “I’m sorry, it’s just that you haven’t shaved yet and the stubble on your cheek was tickling me.”

He grinned. That gave him an idea. Shifting around slightly, he descended on the alabaster length of her neck. He rubbed his cheek against the spot where her pulse was beating, making her laugh and squirm against him. Then without missing a beat, he soothed the area with slow sweeps of his tongue as he tasted the pulse point and her. 

Donna’s laughter drained away to a soft moan as the feeling of his mouth on her skin rolled over her. She turned her head a little to give him better access to her neck and Josh felt her hand slide into his hair to urge him on. As if to dry the wetness his tongue had left on her skin, he covered the area in soft, slow kisses. Her moan faded into a breathy sigh and just the hint of what could best be described as a purr. Placing one last, long, slow kiss on the pulse point that was now beating much faster than it had when he began, he pulled back and looked at her. “How was that?” he said with a smirk.

Donna, although she was trying to maintain some semblance of control after the way he’d feasted on her neck, couldn’t let the smirk go unchallenged. “I think we’re even at two kisses each.”

Josh’s pride wouldn’t let him keep his mouth shut, “Even? We’re even? I think you’ll have to concede that the second one puts me ahead of the two kisses you gave me.”

It was her turn to smirk, “Concede? What, are we having a kissing war or something?”

“Well, now that sounds intriguing,” he replied. “The only problem with your ‘Kissing War,’ and I personally see this as more of a side benefit than an actual problem, is that you sort of win even if you lose.”

She knew the answer to the question before she asked it but she wanted him to say it. “Oh, and how do you figure that?”

“Since no matter which end you came out on, there’d still be all the, you know, kissing.” He smirked. “I imagine that a war like that could potentially go on for a long...” He kissed her mouth gently. “Long....” Another kiss. “Loooonnng....” This kiss was deep and slow. “Time,” he said, finally surfacing.

Donna’s mouth fairly tingled from all the attention. “A case could be made that it could go on....forever.”

He leaned in so his mouth hovered just above hers. As he spoke, their lips brushed against each other in the lightest of caresses. “Just so you know. I never surrender and I take no prisoners,” he said softly.

“I’m was counting on that, because neither do I,” she replied.

“So I’m guessing that the ‘Kissing War’ is going to make the ‘Hundred Years War’ pale by comparison.”

“Josh?” Donna whispered a little breathlessly.

“Hmmm?”

“Shut up and kiss me already.”

Josh smiled and pressed his lips to hers. It started as an exploration and ended as an all out passionate assault on both their parts, leaving both of them breathing hard. Between the early time of the morning and all of the...stimulating volleys in the ‘Kissing War,’ it also made a certain portion of Josh’s anatomy that was currently pressed into Donna’s hip, begin to take notice.

Josh started to move away slightly, thoughts of the Mets batting averages running through his head to try and control his hormones and his anatomy, when Donna stopped him.

“It’s okay, Josh,” she told him. “Although at the moment it’s probably more a response to the current ‘Kissing War’ battle, this has happened a couple of mornings since you’ve been sleeping under the covers with me.”

He looked a bit sheepish. “I was hoping you hadn’t noticed.”

“It was kind of hard....” she chuckled, “No pun intended...not to notice. Unless I miss my guess....I’d say that you’re pretty...generously endowed in that area.” 

Their discussion was making him vaguely mortified and turned on all at once. He sighed, “And talking about it is not helping the situation.”

She sobered a bit. “Don’t be embarrassed. It’s really okay, Josh. I know sometimes they have mind of their own, especially in the morning. And even if it is from the kissing, it doesn’t bother me.” She hugged him closer. “In fact, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little glad that after everything we’ve been through I can still have that affect on you.”

He hugged her back, glad that the early morning ‘rise and shine’ hadn’t made her feel uncomfortable. “Rest assured that you have no problem having that kind of affect on me.” She smiled at that.

He looked at her for a moment and thought maybe it would be a good idea for both of them if they switched channels just a bit. “Since there seems to be a lull in the ‘Kissing War’ battle right now, maybe it would be a good time to talk about what happened yesterday?”

She looked up at him for a moment, “Yeah, I guess it would be a good idea.”

He could sense her gathering her thoughts a bit and he had an idea. “Hey, how about after we talk about this I take you out for breakfast? Anywhere you want.”

Donna perked up at that. “Anywhere? Even....”

“Bistro Francais?” he guessed. She grinned and nodded. “Sure,” he said with a smile of his own. “But talking first, then breakfast.”

She looked at him and nodded. Moving so she could sit up a bit, she took a breath and tried to explain what happened yesterday.

“You know Josh, yesterday was a good day. CJ and I had a lot of fun. I was feeling...normal again, just like any other woman doing some Christmas shopping with a friend. I liked that feeling a lot.” She paused. “Then Mike called to give me the news and suddenly, I was back to feeling not normal.”

“Donna...”

She needed to get this out and so she kept talking. “When he called and told me that they’d caught the Strangler, it really seemed to throw me and I didn’t know why. I mean it really seemed to send me into a tail spin. So I guess, just like that day out at the farm when you found me out in the field, I hoped that I could work it out in my head and since Harley needed to go out anyway, I....we just started walking.” She paused. “I didn’t even realize that I’d switched the phone off when I finished talking to Mike and I pretty much didn’t even realize it was raining until you showed up at the Jefferson Memorial.” 

He took her hand. “Did you come to any conclusions while you were walking or sitting on the bench by the Tidal Basin?” Josh asked her.

She nodded, “Yeah, but I’m not sure you’re going to like some of them.”

“Donna, it’s not about me liking or disliking them.” 

“I know....I just....okay. Well, first of all, it made me realize that I haven’t been dealing with the attack. I’ve been focusing on the nightmares and then what happened in my childhood but not the attack or my reaction to it.”

“With your lack of memory of the attack, I can understand that,” he replied.

“And then there’s the fact that I guess part of me thought he’d never be caught and until he was caught I didn’t have to deal with it.” 

“Well, you’re wrong there, but I can see why you’d think that,” Josh said. “At the risk of sounding like Stanley or Barbara, you would have had to deal with it sooner or later.”

“I realize that now,” she replied. Then she took a breath. “It scared me, too, because now I know that don’t have the luxury of remaining dead. Since they caught the guy, it means that I’ve got to go public with the fact that I’m, you know, alive, right away. And even though I know that I need go public to reclaim my life and rid myself of Sydney forever, it’s a scary thing now that time is here.”

“Yeah, I can understand that too,” he said. “But remember, you’ve got me and CJ and the entire White House behind you,” he said, giving her hand a squeeze. “We’re not going to feed you to the press sharks or leave you hanging in the wind or anything. Plus, once Danny gets over the shock of finding out you’re alive and that he didn’t realize you were working right under his nose for almost three months, his reporter’s curiosity will kick in and he’ll write a fair and balanced story about what happened.”

She nodded and then paused for a long moment and looked at him. Talking it through with him was helping her define it for herself. “This is the part you’re not going to like, but.....” Taking a quick breath, she spit it out, “I realized that a small part of me wished he’d killed me that night. That’s why I was sitting on that bench by the Tidal Basin. It kind of stunned me to know that.”

Josh had to recover from shock of his own. “Donna....” he started to say, but she stopped him. 

She squeezed his hand, “No, let me finish. At first I thought maybe someone had made a mistake and I was suppose to die that night. That my being alive was a fluke or something. There was a time when I would have thought that’s how things worked in my life. But then I started to think about what things would be like if I had died that night and it made me remember something my grandmother said to me when I was talking to her in my head after the thing.” 

Josh nodded mutely, waiting to hear where she was going with her thought.

“She said I had a purpose. At the time I thought she only meant when I lived and my aunt and uncle died. But she also meant when I survived the attack and when I survived Dr. Todd and my stint in the psychiatric ward.” She smiled. “It also reminded me of some advice you gave me once.”

“Me?” he asked in surprise.

She nodded. “I’d asked you why I lived when Kelly Gibbs had died. You said that it might be as simple as it not being my time to go and the fact that I still had things to do with my life.” She took a breath. “And I thought about Harley and wondered where he’d be if I hadn’t been around to adopt him.” Her eyes searched his face. “And I realized that too many good things have happened to me since that summer in Iowa and since the attack for my being here to be a mistake.” She was quiet for a moment, “Josh, I want you to know the vast majority of those good things are because of you.”

He didn’t know what to say to her simple but powerful words. He laid his hand on her cheek. “Ever since I found you standing in my office in Manchester, you’ve been the source of most of the good things in my life too.”

She smiled at him, glad that he seemed to understand. “And then when you brought me home and took care of me and pulled out the ‘Rules’ and it was like a dam broke in me. See, I used the ‘Rules’ on you after Rosslyn because I had no other way to show you how much I loved you. Something about seeing you do the same for me released the last piece of myself that I’d been holding back. Which is why there was all the crying. I’ve probably had that part hidden since that summer I was 12. It was pretty overwhelming.”

“I can imagine,” he replied softly.

Laying her head down on his chest, she listened to his heart beating steadily under her. “So anyway, that’s what happened yesterday.”

He ran a hand gently through her hair. “And how are you feeling about things today?”

She didn’t move, preferring instead to let the sound of his beating heart center her. “I’m still kind of working on sorting out how I feel about the attack and I’m still a little scared about going public.” Now she did look up at him. “But I know I’m not alone and that with you by my side I can handle anything.”

“We’ve got health and strength,” he began.

“And we’ll steal the rest?” she replied.

“You bet your ass,” Josh said with a dimpled grin.

**********

Josh, Donna and Harley were just heading out the door to go to breakfast when Josh’s cell phone rang. He answered it as they walked down to the car. 

It was CJ. “Hey Josh, is Donna with you?”

“Why good morning to you too, Claudia Jean,” Josh replied.

“Yeah, yeah. Look I haven’t had my coffee yet and I’d like to talk to Donna. So is she there or not?”

“If you say please I’ll bring you something from where I’m taking Donna for breakfast,” he told her.

“Josh, a grand slam breakfast from Denny’s is not quite what I’m craving this morning.”

“Okay then, I won’t bring you anything from Bistro Francais.”

“Bistro Francais? You’re going to Bistro Francais?” she asked, her tone now much more friendly.

“That’s right,” he said with a grin as he and Donna got into his car. “Donna wanted to go there and I promised her she could pick the place.”

“Well, that’s because Donna is a smart, brilliant woman that you are completely unworthy of.”

He glanced at Donna who was watching him curiously, her blonde hair tucked up under his Mets baseball cap. “Don’t I know it,” he told CJ.

“So since you’re taking her to breakfast, can I assume that you are indeed actually WITH her right now?”

“Yes, CJ you can assume that,” he said, knowing he was taking his life in his hands by teasing CJ when she was in a mood but he was a mood of his own that morning. A great one, and he couldn’t help but tease her. He heard CJ sigh heavily.

“Then may I PLEASE talk to her and will you, for the love of Edward R. Murrow, bring me a double non-fat latte from Bistro Francais?” 

“Now see, was that so hard?” he commented.

“JOSH!”

“Okay, okay. Yes, to both questions. Here she is.” He handed the phone to Donna.

“Hey, CJ,” Donna greeted her.

“Hey, Donna. Before we go any farther, Josh just promised me a double non-fat latte from Bistro Francais. If you have any mercy in your soul for me or if you’d like to see him keep on living, could you please see to it that he follows through and brings me one?”

“Sure,” Donna said with a chuckle. “I’ve gotten kind of attached to him so I wouldn’t want you to have any reason to do away with him.”

“Bless you,” CJ said in relief. “Now that we’ve gotten the important stuff out of the way, I assume Mike Casper told you and Josh about capturing the Strangler.”

“Yeah, he called both of us last night,” Donna told her.

“Well, I’ve been sitting here getting ready for my morning briefing. After the FBI press conference last night, the press room is a buzz with the Strangler story and I think we should go public with your story....today.”

“Today?” Donna said, her heart rate speeding up. “Why....why today?”

“Because, barring a national emergency, for the next couple of days the news is going to be dominated by the Strangler. If we go public right now I think at least some of the fallout from your resurrection will be drowned out by the rest of the Strangler story. If we wait until things calm down to tell the press about you, then it will only stir things up because like I said before it will look like we were hiding something.”

Donna paused for a second. “But we were hiding something, CJ,” she pointed out. “We were hiding ME.”

“Yes, but we don’t want them to know that. At least not in those terms.”

Donna took a deep breath as Josh pulled the car over in front of the restaurant and parked. “Okay. But today? It’s a holiday weekend. I mean is Danny even there?”

“Donna you’ve worked in the White House long enough to know that the press never sleeps or takes a holiday when there’s a story to be written.”

“Well, you have a point there,” she replied and glanced at Josh with slight distress in her eyes that made him frown. “Okay, so when do you want us there?”

“You’ve got a little time, we won’t do it until after my morning briefing. Have breakfast and then come on over. Stash yourself in Josh’s office and call me or Carol when you’re out of sight. I’ll come over and get you when I’ve got things ready. Okay?”

Donna seemed to be having trouble making her mouth say the words. “Oo.o..okay.” She took a breath so her voice was more steady. “Well, we’re here at the restaurant, CJ, so I better hang up. We’ll see you in a bit.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to you then.”

Donna hung up the phone and handed it back to Josh, who was frowning. “What’s going on?” he asked her.

“CJ wants me to go public today,” she said quietly. “The press is all over the Strangler story and she thinks if we do it now, the impact of my story might be at least partially swallowed up by it.”

Josh thought for a moment. “It’s a good idea,” he said gently. He laid his hand on hers, “You can still say no if you want to. We could do it another time if you’re not ready.”

She stared out the window for a minute then turned back to him. “No, CJ’s right. We should do it now.” She ran her hand over the front of her jacket. “Do I look okay for my debut?”

He didn’t need to look at her jeans, turtleneck, and dark blue sweater she was wearing to find his answer. He squeezed her hand, “You look perfect.”

She tried to smile but it didn’t quite make it to her eyes. “Josh? Could I ask a favor?”

“Anything,” he replied.

“Could we take a rain check on breakfast? I afraid I’m a little nervous now and my stomach’s not feeling all that great. If I have beignets, I want to be able to enjoy them.”

“Sure, we can wait. I tell you what, why don’t save beignets for breakfast tomorrow morning? That way all of this will be done and over with.” he said, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze.

She smiled at him and this time it did reach her eyes. “I’d like that.” Then her smile became a grin. “But we better get CJ a double non-fat latte before we go over there or you may not live to see tomorrow.”

**********  
“So Donna, you ready to start working for Sam on Monday?” Josh asked her. They’d dropped Harley off at the kennel and were now sitting in both visitor’s chairs in his office as they waited for CJ. He was hoping to distract her so she’d relax a bit. He knew she was nervous and a little scared but holding it together.

“Yeah, except that I don’t think he’s going to appreciate my filing system quite like you do,” she said with a slight grin.

“Well, I do have a unique appreciation for what you arguably call a filing system,” he teased. 

“Hey, you’re the only one who seems to have a problem finding anything. My filing, like my handwriting, is perfectly normal.”

He grinned at her. “Do we really want to have the penmanship discussion right now?”

She looked at him for a minute, “Well, I’d rather start a new battle in the Kissing War.  
But now doesn’t seem to be best time to launch the first volley.”

“Well, let’s just call this a temporary truce. We can pick up where we left off when we get back to your apartment,” Josh told her with a little smirk.

She laid her hand on his knee. “Josh, in case I haven’t said it yet, I may be excited about working with Sam I’m going to miss working with you. A lot.” She smiled. “But not as much as I’d miss the kissing if we were still working together.”

“Me too,” he said, laying his hand over hers on his knee. As much as he was going to miss having her sitting outside his office everyday, what he was gaining in his relationship with her had become much more valuable to him. Before he could say anything more, a knock sounded at his office door. He got up to answer it. A moment later, he pulled it open and CJ stepped inside. “You ready?”

Donna glanced from Josh to CJ and pulled the brim of her cap down a bit. “Yes.” Standing up she walked over to them. 

“I had the agents clear us a path to the Mural Room,” CJ told them. 

Donna nodded and they walked out of the office. As they walked through the bullpen, Josh silently took her hand. 

CJ caught the gesture but made no comment other than a slightly raised eyebrow.

It felt both strange and amazing to walk through the halls of the White House while she was holding Josh’s hand. It was something that she’d always wanted to do, but because of their positions and work situation, she’d figured it would be all but impossible. It was made that much more special by the fact that the White House was in the process of being decorated for Christmas. Everywhere she looked, Donna saw lights and trees and decorations in various stages of preparation. Christmas had always been her favorite time of year in the White House. There was just something especially magical about all the fuss that was made. 

Stepping into the Mural Room, which had already been festively decorated, CJ closed the door behind them and looked at her watch. “Danny’s going to be here in about 10 minutes,” she said as they all settled themselves on the two sofas in the center of the room. Josh and Donna were on one and CJ was on the other. “He doesn’t know why except that I have some info for him concerning the Strangler case. I thought what we’d do is have Donna stand in the corner....”

“No.” 

CJ looked at Josh as if he’d had too much eggnog or something. “But...it’s dark in the corner and the Christmas tree partially blocks it so he won’t see...”

“No.” It was said without anger but with complete conviction.

“Why?” she demanded.

"Because she's not going to stand in the corner like a kid being punished for talking out of turn in class," he told CJ. Then he turned to Donna. “No more hiding.”

Tears welled in Donna’s eyes at his simple statement. She would have just gone along with what CJ said. Just like she’d initially gone along with the idea of Sydney. But Josh wasn’t going to let her settle anymore. He wanted better for her. Even if it was a small thing like hiding in the corner.

Thinking quickly he came up with an alternate idea. “How about we turn one of the wing chairs around so it faces the fireplace.” He pulled one of the antique wing chairs over by the fire place and turned it around. “See? They’re big enough that if she sits in it, I don’t think he’d be able to see her. When you’re ready for her to appear she can just stand up.” He turned back to Donna. “Is that all right with you?”

Donna’s heart swelled into her throat. He was asking her, but not telling her. Somehow she managed to smile and nod. Then they both turned and looked at CJ.

CJ looked between the two of them. She could see they were completely serious. “Okay. I guess that will work fine.”

Donna got up from the couch and moved to the chair and Josh moved to stand by the mantel so he was facing her. “It’s gonna be okay,” he told her.

She looked at him and in her heart knew he was right. “I know.”

The three of them chatted for a few minutes until they were interrupted by a knock at the door. CJ got up and went to answer it. “Hey, Danny. Come on in.” 

“Hey, CJ.” The red haired reporter said as he walked into the room. “So what’s this all about?” he asked her as she closed the door behind him. “I need to file my story on the Strangler but....hey, Josh,” he said, seeing him leaning against the fireplace mantle.

“Danny,” CJ began. “We have something we need to go public with and we’d like to leak it to you.”

Danny was quiet for a minute. He knew from CJ’s tone that she was very serious. “Okay. When do you plan on leaking the information to me?”

“Right now,” she replied. “But there are a few ground rules. You won’t list any White House sources in the story, named or unnamed.”

Danny frowned, “There won’t be much of a White House story if I can’t name my White House source, even if it’s an unnamed source.”

“There will be a source you can name, just not the White House,” CJ replied. “This is someone telling you their story because they know you and because we trust you to do a fair and accurate job. You’ll get all White House related information with everyone at the briefing tomorrow where I will be addressing the contents of your story.”

“Okay, CJ, what the hell is this?” Danny demanded. “Could you please stop talking in riddles? I mean I know this is the White House and you guys excel at that, but this is going above and beyond.”

“Danny,” Josh said, quietly. “CJ’s not trying to keep you in the dark. It’s just that the source for this story is someone very close to us and we’d like to see her protected.”

Josh’s quiet statement told Danny a lot about the apparent seriousness of what he was about to find out. “Okay.” Danny looked at him for a long moment. “So who is she?”

Josh opened his mouth to respond, but CJ cut him off. “You can name your new source, Danny. You can use anything she says. But any background that Josh or I give you during this meeting is not for attribution.”

“For how long?” he asked.

“Permanently,” she replied.

Danny stared, wide-eyed. CJ had given him information in various degrees of “off the record” before and he’d never burned her. He’d never seen her quite this serious. “CJ, what the hell are you about to tell me?”

“Say it, Danny.”

Danny stared, mouth slightly agape, for a moment. He blinked and swallowed hard. “How will the story carry any credibility at all if I can’t attribute the background source?”

“Because your named source is credible,” CJ said evenly. “As credible as they come.”

Danny shook his head slowly. “I need some sort of guarantee that I’m not—”

“Danny, that’s all I’m willing to give you. That’ll have to do. You get today as a head start. That’s your only guarantee. Take it or leave it.”

Danny breathed out slowly and sat up straighter in his chair. “The information I get from you and Josh is not for attribution.”

CJ nodded confidently. “Good. Josh?”

“Your source is Donnatella Moss,” Josh said.

It was like a silence bomb had gone off in the room. The reporter in Danny recovered quickly. “You mean the story is about Donna’s death?”

“In a manner of speaking,” Josh said evenly.

Danny’s brow furrowed. “Donna’s the source?”

“Yes,” CJ replied. 

“How is that possible? She’s been dead for months.” He glanced at Josh. “I’m sorry Josh, I know how much she meant to you.” He looked back at CJ. “To both of you.” He paused. “But I...how is it possible that Donna’s the source?”

“It’s possible Danny, because she’s not dead,” Josh replied.

Danny was getting a little tired of feeling like he’d started reading a book in the middle. “What have the two of you been smoking? I was sitting in the press room when CJ announced Donna’s death. I went to her funeral. Hell, any number of people saw her funeral on national TV. I watched Josh, Toby, Charlie, Ed, Larry and the Pierce kid carrying her coffin.”

“Her death was faked,” CJ said quietly.

“Excuse me?”

“Danny, she survived the Strangler’s attack and it was felt by the FBI, the DC Police, and the Secret Service that if that information was made known then her attacker might come back and finish the job,” Josh tried to explain. “The only options were to put her in a safe house until the Strangler was caught or fake her death and give her a new identity. Option Number 2 was what everyone believed would work best for Donna.”

Danny couldn’t believe his own ears. “So basically you all took part in a massive conspiracy to mislead the American people,” Danny surmised, voice dripping with anger. “A conspiracy the scope of...God, the scope of which I can’t even imagine!”

“No, they all tried to keep me alive,” Donna said as she stood up and pulled off her cap. She knew she was supposed to wait until they gave her the signal, but she couldn’t listen to him berate them.

Another silence bomb exploded in the room. 

Even though they’d told Danny she was alive, seeing her standing before him in living, breathing color was still a shock. “Donna?”

“Hey, Danny.”

Danny turned to CJ, his facial expression now a cross between still pissed and newly shell-shocked. “Did you hide away any of the other victims? Are they all going to start coming out of the woodwork?”

Donna answered before Josh or CJ could. “No, Danny, they’re all dead,” she said quietly. “I was the only one that survived. The police say that’s because I was his first victim and he was still refining his technique.”

His neurons were just beginning to fire again and Danny felt badly for his semi-flippant question. “I...sorry, Donna.” He exhaled again, very slowly, and ran a hand over his face. He watched her for a moment. blinking a few times as if he expected her to disappear. “Okay,” he said finally, and ran a hand through his hair. “Why, um...why don’t we take this from the top?”

Donna nodded and she moved to the couch. Josh sat down next to her and Danny and CJ sat on the other couch. Danny pulled out a small tape recorder. “Do you mind if I tape this?”

“No,” Donna replied. Then, in a voice that sounded much stronger than she felt, Donna laid out the story for him. “I don’t remember much about the attack. I had a concussion and the doctors think that I may never remember. All I remember is the darkness and the feeling of cold and the smell of cigarette smoke. My first real memory is waking up in the ambulance on the way to the hospital.”

“What were the extent of your injuries?” Danny asked gently.

“I had a dislocated elbow and a concussion.” She took a breath. “Um, my face was pretty battered up, I had a burn on my hip, and some internal injuries from the...rape.” She swallowed and didn’t trust her voice to continue. Up until then she’d been saying ‘attack’ and not really seeing it as rape exactly. Conceptually, she knew that she’d been raped as part of the ‘attack’ but she didn’t think that she’d actually said the word. Didn’t really stop to consider what it meant.

Josh sensed her distress and moved closer to her. He spoke softly enough so only she could hear what he said. “You okay?” She shook her head. “We can stop anytime you want.”

“No, I just need a minute,” she whispered to him. “I know this is probably not the best time but will you hold me for that minute?”

Silently, he pulled her into his arms, rubbing her back. Looking over her shoulder he spoke to Danny, “Give her just a minute.”

“Sure,” Danny said. 

“Danny, I brought you a packet of information,” CJ said, handing him a plain manila envelope. “It includes a copy of her medical records after the attack. No pictures, just a written account.”

“Okay. Thanks,” he said, taking the envelope from her.

“I need to know how high up this goes,” Danny told her. “Who knew?”

“Several people,” CJ said. “You don’t get a complete list for the exclusive, but I’ll release it at the briefing tomorrow.”

“You drop a bomb like this conspiracy and—”

“NOT a conspiracy, Danny. This was protective custody. Donna was being kept in a form a protective custody to ensure her safety until her attacker could be apprehended and brought to trial. A procedure which is not, like, unheard of, you know?”

Danny leaned toward CJ, trying to be conscious of Donna’s difficulties, but still boiling over anyway. “You faked her death, CJ!” he whispered emphatically.

“The AUTHORITIES faked her death in order to ensure her safety. Protective custody, Danny. Say it with me,” CJ said.

Danny slumped in his chair. “I want to talk to those authorities.”

“I’ve got Ron Butterfield and Mike Casper at the FBI expecting your call.”

Danny nodded.

Donna sat back and wiped her eyes on the handkerchief that Josh pulled out of his pocket and handed to her. “Sorry,” she said to Danny.

“Don’t be. You want to go on or do want to finish this later?” Danny asked her.

“No, I’m okay. Let’s go on,” Donna replied. She continued to hold Josh’s hand to help steady her. “Um, let’s see, oh, I also had some damage to my vocal chords so I wasn’t allowed to speak during the week following the attack.”

The sight of Donna holding Josh’s hand did not go unnoticed by Danny. 

“How long were you in the hospital?”

“A couple of days.”

Danny nodded. “Where did you recuperate?”

Donna looked at CJ, who nodded. “In the Residence.”

Danny’s jaw dropped. “The White House Residence?”

“Yes, the President and Mrs. Bartlet have been very supportive of me through this whole ordeal. Because of my concussion and my other injuries, the doctors at the hospital would only release me to someone that could give me some medical supervision.”

“So Dr. Bartlet was that medical supervision?”

“Yes.”

“And how long were you in the Residence?” he asked her.

“About a week,” she explained. “Josh, CJ and Sam helped me find a new apartment. With my new identity I couldn’t go back to my old one and didn’t want to anyway.”

“When was the idea of giving you a new identity brought up?”

Donna glanced at Josh and then back at Danny. “When I was in the hospital. My attacker called Josh on my old cell phone, which he stole from my apartment, and told him some information that led everyone to think he believed he’d killed me. The FBI, the DC police, and the Secret Service, who were involved since I was a White House employee, decided to let him go on thinking that. They felt like they had to move quickly to make my death believable. The day they had my funeral, was the day I was released from the hospital and transferred to the Residence.”

Danny leaned back in his chair again. “CJ...I want to talk to the President.”

“Absolutely not,” she said.

“He and the First Lady were involved in this cover-up and the people deserve to—”

“You say cover-up like we were trying to hide something illegal,” Josh bit off angrily. “We weren’t destroying the Watergate tapes, Danny. Donna was beaten and strangled within a inch of her life, the killer was on the loose, and the authorities recommended she be taken into protective custody until he was caught. Her death was faked to mislead the KILLER, not the American public. Unfortunately, it wasn’t possible to do one without doing the other.”

“This was never gonna be permanent, Danny,” CJ jumped in. “We’ve known this day would come since the beginning. We just didn’t think it would take this long. The President and First Lady are going to issue a statement after my official announcement tomorrow, but you don’t get an advance interview. They offered her a safe place to stay and someone to keep a medical eye on her. They were Good Samaritans. You’re gonna have a hard time scandalizing that.”

Seeing that he wasn’t going to get to the President in advance, Danny turned back to Donna. “How did you feel about the funeral and getting a new identity?” he asked her.

“Well, it was pretty surreal, as you can imagine. I didn’t actually see the funeral. Josh told me about it later. As for the new identity, I didn’t really want it but since everyone seemed to think it was for the best and I was already dead, I figured it was the only thing I could do. I didn’t want to be locked away in a safe house until they caught my attacker.”

“How long were you in the Residence?”

“About a week,” she replied.

“Where’d you go from there?” 

“My new apartment and then about a week after that I went back to work.”

“Wait, you mean you went to work, right? As in started a new job. When you say ‘back to work’ you make it sound like you went back to your old job here at the White House.” He looked between Josh and CJ now. “I know from personal experience that’s not true.”

Donna looked levelly at Danny. “Remember all the temps that Josh went through?”

Danny eyed her suspiciously. “Yeah....”

 

“One of them was me in disguise.”

Silence bombs were having a big day in the Mural Room.

“Who?” Danny asked, thinking quickly. He was still baffled. “Who?” he asked again.

Donna switched to her Sydney voice, “You know it’s not the bellowing I mind so much. It’s the fact that he can’t get my name right.” Josh grinned at her words.

“Wait, where have I heard that....?” Danny tried to remember. 

“Or how about this....” Donna tried again. “First days can often be difficult. Mr. Lyman and I just have some work to do on building our boss-assistant working dynamic. But I’m confident that we will be able to work together efficiently in the end.”

Danny frowned. “Sydney?” He looked at CJ who was smiling. He shook his head vehemently. “Not possible. I...Donna, I had face-to-face conversations with the woman. It would have taken plastic surgery...and, like a month or two of you eating McDonald’s six times a day for you to even begin to...that’s not...” he trailed off, looking from CJ to Josh and back again, neither of whom denied it.

“You and Sydney were one and the same?” he finally asked in disbelief.

“Yep,” Donna answered.

“But how? Sydney looked totally different than you do.”

“I had some help from the US Marshall’s office,” Donna answered. “They have specialists who help people change their appearance when they get a new identity or while they’re waiting to testify against someone that might bring some kind of retaliation against them.”

“WILL you be testifying against Richard Weaver?” he said, using the newly discovered real name of the DC Strangler.

“No,” Donna replied. “I don’t have enough memory of the attack to make a good witness.”

“Then how can you justify—”

“They didn’t know what she’d remember, Danny,” CJ said. “The hope was that her memory could have come back after her concussion had healed, or with hypnotherapy, but that didn’t happen. This was protective custody, pure and simple.”

“Nothing simple about it,” Danny mumbled, rubbing his temple to soothe the whopper headache that was already pounding behind his eyes. Something occurred to him. “So what happened to Sydney? I mean you? You disappeared from the White House nearly a month and a half ago. Where have you been?”

Donna looked at Josh who gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. She turned back to Danny. “As you can imagine the attack has been very traumatic. I developed an infection unrelated to the attack and so I was admitted to George Washington Hospital.” She took a breath and tried to compose her next words carefully. “The doctors were concerned about my emotional state when I was brought in and so they had me sent to the psychiatric ward.”

“What were their specific concerns?” Danny asked her.

“They were concerned about me being suicidal,” she answered softly. 

“Were you?”

She looked at him and when she spoke, her voice was clear and calm. “No. I was not. I was depressed and I was still having some trouble dealing with the attack, but I was not suicidal. You see, I had been avoiding going to therapy to deal with what had happened. Being admitted to the hospital was a wake-up call for me. I saw that I needed some help.”

“And did you get some?” Danny asked gently.

Donna glanced at Josh and turned back to Danny. “Yes. Josh helped me find someone to help me work it out. Since we still needed a safe place for me to stay while I worked on my therapy, the President and Mrs. Bartlet volunteered their house in Manchester.”

“And that’s where Josh and Mrs. Bartlet were during November? With you in Manchester?”

“Yes. Part of what I figured out in therapy was that hiding behind Sydney was hurting me more than it was helping. That’s why I decided that as soon as the Strangler was caught and I’d be safe from him, I wanted to go public with the fact that I was alive.”

Danny nodded. “How do you feel about Richard Weaver? Is there anything you’d like to say to him after all he’s put you through?”

For some reason, Donna hadn’t been expecting that question and it took her a bit by surprise. She thought about it for a moment. “To be honest I haven’t given him much thought and I don’t plan to give him any more in the future. I have nothing to say to him. What has occupied my mind were the lives he destroyed. All the women he tortured and killed.”

Her next words seem to come from an unexplored well, deep inside her and they made her sit up a bit straighter. “Mr. Weaver is an animal that doesn’t merit my time and I have nothing to say to him. The justice system will see to it that the pays for what he’s done. From what I’ve been told, the authorities have a vast pool of evidence to use against him. I’m confident that he’ll be locked away from society for a long, long time.”

Danny looked between her and Josh for a moment, an unspoken question swimming in his eyes. “One last question. Will you be coming back to work at the White House?

She squeezed Josh’s hand before she answered. “It’s been a hard decision, but no, I’m not coming back to work at the White House. As much as I appreciate the opportunities that working in the White House with Josh and the President have given me and all the support that I’ve been shown in the last few months, it’s time for me to move on to new things. But I have every intention of maintaining the close ties to the friends I’ve made here during the last seven years.”

Danny nodded. He wanted to asked Josh and Donna about the apparently new phase of their relationship but decided that was better left unsaid. Instead, he snapped off the tape recorder. “Well, Donna this is going to be quite a story. I’d like to thank you for letting me tell it.” He stood up. “And on a personal note, I’d like to just say, I was never more glad to hear that the reports of a person’s death were greatly exaggerated.”

**********

“Well, how do you think it went?” Donna finally asked Josh as they entered her apartment a half hour later. She’d been quiet and thoughtful on the ride home. Harley trotted off in search of a drink of water.

“I agree with CJ. I think it went really well,” he told her as they hung up their coats. “How are you feeling about it?”

Donna walked over and dropped down onto the couch. “Good, I guess. It’s really weird to spill your guts like that, especially when you know that it’s going to show up in the paper.” She watched him as he came over and sat down next to her on the couch. “But I’m glad I did it.”

He took her hand in his. “Have I mentioned how proud I was of you today?”

“I don’t know if I deserve it or not.”

Josh frowned. “Of course you deserve it. What you did today and what you said to Danny took a lot of courage.”

She looked down at their hands. “I didn’t feel particularly brave. More like scared to death.”

“Well, you know what they say about courage.”

“No, what?” she asked.

“True courage is doing what you have to do despite being scared.”

His words and his faith in her made her smile, “You know, you’re getting awfully good at that.”

“What?”

“The supportive boyfriend thing.” The moment the words were out of her mouth she realized that she’d potentially opened a Pandora’s Box. She looked at him and tried to read his response. His expression was unreadable and her heart started to beat quickly. “I’m sorry, Josh, I didn’t mean...”

His finger covered her lips. “Don’t,” he said, softly. “Don’t take it back.” There was a smile in his eyes now. “I like being the supportive boyfriend.” Then he sobered, “But only under one condition.” He pulled his finger away from her lips so she could answer. 

“What’s that?” she asked him.

“That you’ll be my long-suffering girlfriend.”

She smiled, “Long-suffering?”

“Yes, the long-suffering part will be in response to the fact that I’ll probably say the wrong thing or stick my foot in my supportive boyfriend mouth at least once a week.”

“Really? You think you’ll do it once a week?” she replied. “I was thinking more like once a day,” she teased.

“See, it’s comments like that one that will set off a new volley in the ‘Kissing War.’” He pounced on her then, tickling her almost more than he was kissing her. Donna squealed and laughed between his kisses. “Say you’ll be my long-suffering girlfriend,” he told her.

“I will, I will, I will,” she replied breathlessly.

“You’ll what? You need to be specific,” Josh said and his fingers danced along her sweater-covered ribs.

“I’ll be your long-suffering girlfriend,” she finally managed to yell.

His hands stilled and rested at her waist. “Now was that so hard?”

The ‘battle’ had caused them to stretch out on the couch and they were all but tangled around each other. Both of them were breathing hard from the exertion. Josh was partially above Donna and he looked down at her. Her hair was tousled and a few pieces of it trailed wildly across her face. Reaching up, he gently brushed each piece away and then laid his hand on her cheek. “Have I mentioned that in addition to long-suffering, you’re beautiful as well?”

She put her hand over his, “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I’m beautiful because you’ve made me beautiful, Josh. Inside and out.” 

Leaning in, he brought their lips together. Donna felt the heat go through her body, settling low in her belly, and she reveled in the partial weight of his body over hers. Kissing Josh like this made her feel powerful and weak all at the same time. Triumphant and humble. Like she was cherishing him as he cherished her.

Josh reluctantly pulled back and looked at her. She looked well loved. Her hair was mussed and her mouth was slightly swollen from his kisses. She quite literally took his breath away. “I’m about the luckiest boyfriend ever,” he said. “Now that you’ve told Danny everything, how would you like to go out to dinner? No disguise. No sitting in a dark booth in the back. We can sit in the front window of any place you’d like.”

She looked up at him and smiled. “I’d like that, but can we do it some other time? I’m kind of comfortable right now. What I’d really like is just to lie here on this couch with you and watch TV just like any regular, normal couple.”

“That sounds perfect. Although I doubt we will ever be regular and normal, I like the way you think.” They both grinned at that. “Why don’t we save dinner for after your first day working with Sam,” he suggested. “Okay?”

“You got a deal,” she told him.

He reached over and picked up the remote from the coffee table and handed it to her. “I’ll even let you pick what we watch, just don’t make it anything on the Lifetime Channel please.”

Donna grinned. “No promises,” she teased. Flipping on the TV, she turned to ESPN as a concession to Josh, and the two of them snuggled into the couch, more interested in each other than what was on the screen.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 38 - MATURE

And so life for a publicly resurrected Donna began. While it only took the press about a day to figure out where she was living, they didn’t harass her too badly. Mostly they stuck to taking her picture and asking a few shouted questions. Danny’s article had apparently gone a long way toward satisfying their curiosity.

It helped that her apartment building had secured underground parking. Since Donna hadn’t had access to her car in the last few months, they hadn’t taken advantage of it up until then. But it turned out to be very handy after the press showed up. Josh, since he was still staying with her, started parking in her space down there. Then either he or Sam, who also had the passcode to get into the garage, would take her and Harley to work at Sam’s office or anywhere she wanted to go. Because there was also a private rear pedestrian entrance out of the garage, she and Josh could go out that way to walk Harley.

As for working for Sam, Donna loved it. She and Sam got along famously and she was learning some new quasi-paralegal skills. The icing on the cake was the fact that Josh spent every free moment over at Sam’s office with his two best friends. They kind of became a variation of the Three Musketeers. Luckily, the press hadn’t made the connection between Donna and her working in Sam’s office. Sam had set her up in the other, smaller office across the hall from his. Josh noted the fact that her ‘smaller’ office was, in fact, bigger than his. It had only taken her a couple of days to make a big dent in getting Sam’s files and the office into shape. 

But even the press only stayed interested in Donna for about a week. The turning point for them moving on was when Richard Weaver was arraigned. He was being charged with nine counts of aggravated rape and torture. The torture charges were in response to the cigarette burns and the beatings of each victim. Those charges were followed by eight counts of murder with special circumstances and one count of attempted murder for Donna’s attack. It was the first real chance for the press to see the ‘DC Strangler’ up close. He was the man, the monster, that had held the city in a grip of fear for almost six months and the press couldn’t get enough of him. Donna, much to her relief, had become yesterday’s news at that point. Even though CJ had originally proposed the TV interview with Diane Mathers as a follow-up to Danny’s print piece, she now felt that Donna didn’t need to do it unless she wanted to. It had taken Donna about two seconds to decide she didn’t want to do it. Consequently, much to Donna’s enormous relief, there was no TV interview.

Richard Weaver had turned out to be kind of an oddity. On the surface he was the very picture of non-descript. It was easy to see why no one had seen him lurking around any of the crime scenes. He was tall, but not overly so. He was lean, but not gaunt or gangly. He was caucasian and appeared non-threatening. But when you took the time to look at him, really look, he had an eerie kind of unleashed power about him. Even though the FBI and the DC police were keeping a tight reign on the details they had on him and the murders, the press managed to put together a number of details on their own.

He was, or had been, working as supermarket grocery clerk. He’d been working part time at a store in Adams Morgan, where he also lived, and part time at another one in Foggy Bottom. Hence, the press speculated, the reason that the murders had been clustered in those two areas. The 26-year-old Weaver had no criminal record and had never received so much as a parking ticket. On the surface, he seemed to be just another average guy, but when the press searched a little deeper, they uncovered some disturbing things.

His sister, Patricia Weaver, who was also blonde and within the same age range as all the victims, had mysteriously disappeared about a year before Donna’s attack. She and Richard had run away from an allegedly abusive mother in Philadelphia when Richard was 12 and she was 14. They had apparently been on their own ever since. The press was still working on digging up dirt and details but so far that was about all they had.

During the week after Danny broke her story, Donna, now that she didn’t have to hide the fact that she was alive and she loved Josh, had thrown herself into life and was doing her best to reclaim hers. In addition to working with Sam, she was starting the ‘art therapy’ that Barbara had suggested and was scheduled to attend one session a week. She’d also signed up to take a self-defense class and joined a gym near her apartment that offered kickboxing classes. Her sessions with Barbara would also continue once a week. She often joked to Josh that she was almost busier now than when she’d been working with him at the White House. He joked back that he’d better be careful about making her mad or she’d clean his clock. To Donna, the best part about her life now was that even though she didn’t work for Josh, he was still there. At her apartment. At home. Either waiting for her to get home or waiting to get home to her.

Which was why Josh was now leaning against the doorframe on Friday evening, quietly watching her. She was just finishing up her first art therapy session. They had apparently decided to start with clay because Donna was sitting on a low stool, leaning over a spinning pottery wheel and working on what looked like a small and slightly wobbly bowl. Josh didn’t want to disturb her so he remained silent. Not that it probably mattered. She was so absorbed in what she was doing, he probably could have jumped up and down, screaming at the top of his lungs and she still wouldn’t have noticed. Although there were a number of other pottery wheels in the room, hers was the only one that was occupied. Josh didn’t see the instructor or therapist or whatever they were called. The soft hum of the spinning wheel and the occasional, wet sound of her hands moving over the clay were the only sounds in the room. As the bowl slid through her hands, she was biting her lip slightly in concentration. He made a mental note to kiss that spot later to make up for the biting. 

It had been no small feat getting into the area where she was working. Because the facility where her art therapy sessions were held had students that ran the gamut from children and adults with emotional, developmental and physical difficulties, to battered women and victims of violent crimes like Donna, it was meant to be a place of safety, so there was a high level of security. Even the parking lot was gated and entering it required that you had a student pass, or if you were a visitor or a caregiver, you had to have your name on an approved list and you had to show a picture ID. Josh, Sam, and Barbara were all on the list of Donna’s approved visitors. The security inside the building was equally high and the process of identification had to be repeated to be allowed into the classroom areas.

Donna stared down at the bowl, trying to will it to cooperate. The instructor/therapist, Pamela Faye, had told her that it wasn’t so much the finished piece that counted in the exercise but the process. Working with the clay on the wheel was supposed to develop patience, problem solving and relaxation. It was also a little like playing in the mud which Donna found surprisingly fun. Pamela had also pointed out that it often took professional potters years to become accomplished at their craft and so Donna shouldn’t get frustrated on her first day. But despite that, Donna was determined to have at least one thing she could show for the two hours she’d been there. Her two earlier attempts were now smashed into the small pile of clay sitting by the wheel.

Although it was still slightly lopsided, she finally reached a point where something told her that if she touched the small bowl anymore she’d wreck it completely. Pulling her hands slowly away like Pamela had shown her, Donna sat back. Pressing back on the foot pedal, the wheel slowed to a stop and she flipped off the power switch. Actually the bowl didn’t look quite so bad when it wasn’t spinning. With a little smile, she picked up a thin piece of wire and used it to cut bottom of the bowl loose from the wheel. Then she carefully, this was where she’d wrecked the last piece, used small metal lifters, kind of like clay spatulas, to slowly and gently lift the piece off the wheel and put it down on a small, plastic covered, wooden board sitting on the wheel next to her. As she pulled the lifters away and the piece didn’t slip or collapse or distort, she smiled proudly.

Josh smiled and cleared his throat to let her know he was there. She turned and smiled. “Josh! What are you doing here?” Standing up she automatically moved to hug him but as she reached for him she stopped and pulled back when she realized that her hands, her forearms, and the entire front of the apron she was wearing were covering in smatterings of muddy clay. “Sorry, let me clean up and....”

Josh reached out and pulled her playfully against him, “I don’t mind a little clay,” he said with a dimpled grin. She had a smudge of dried clay on her cheek and he thought it was about the most adorable thing he’d ever seen. Laying his hand on her cheek, he used his thumb to brush it away. “What I do mind is going one more minute without getting to kiss that lip you were chewing on.” Leaning in, he captured her lips in his and put his arms around her waist.

Forgetting the clay and anything else but the feeling of Josh kissing her, Donna put her arms around his shoulders and leaned into him and the kiss. Josh and Donna had quickly discovered that kissing each other was highly addictive. She trembled slightly as Josh ran his tongue over the area of her bottom lip she’d been chewing on and then began nibbling gently on it. Kissing him like this made her legs as weak as water and she held onto him for balance and, you know, so she didn’t slide into a puddle at his feet.

Someone cleared their throat behind Josh, “Um...excuse me.”

Their mouths pulled apart but their bodies remained locked in the embrace as their heads turned to see who was speaking. It was Donna’s instructor/therapist. She looked like a pixie for all intents and purposes. She was a thin, petite woman and Donna would have been surprised if she was tall enough to break the 5 foot mark. Her hair was short and a fiery red and her eyes were vibrant green, but her disposition was kind and extraordinarily patient. She also seemed to know a hell of a lot about art.

“Oh, hi Pamela. Josh, this is Doctor Pamela Faye, my art therapy instructor.” She let go of Josh and took a step back but she kept her arm around his waist, “Pamela, this is Josh Lyman my....” she looked at him for just a moment. “My boyfriend.” She still wasn’t quite used to saying those words so casually. Besides being new, they were very...important and she didn’t take the phrase lightly.

“It’s good to meet you Josh,” Pamela replied.

Josh smiled broadly. He loved when Donna called him her boyfriend, which kind of surprised him, as he’d never really been called it by anyone before and had always thought he would have found it a little annoying and high school-ish if someone had. But with Donna that didn’t seem to be the case. He found it to be more like a badge of honor. Reaching out, he shook Pamela’s hand. “The pleasure’s mine.”

Pamela glanced down at the piece Donna had finished, “Hey, look at that. You finished it.” She looked back up at Donna with a smile. “Sometimes it takes people a couple of sessions before they can finish a piece.”

Donna smiled a bit shyly. “Well, it was supposed to be a mug. Someone I know likes coffee...” She glanced at Josh and then back to Pamela. “And so I was making it for him but it just never got tall or big enough to be a mug.”

“It’s still great,” Josh told her, pleased that she’d tried to make something for him. Warmth shot through him as Donna smiled gratefully.

“I agree,” Pamela said, with a smile. “But in any case, like I told you when we started, it’s not the finished piece that counts so much in the exercise but the process and what it can teach you.”

“Right,” Donna replied.

“Well, did you like working with clay?” Pamela asked.

“Yes, I kind of liked the playing in the mud aspect of it,” Donna said, holding up her hand. She wiggled her messy hands fingers to illustrate how dirty she’d gotten.

“Pottery is definitely not a clean and tidy art form,” Pamela replied. “Not during the creation part of it anyway. Well, I thought maybe we’d try clay sculpture next week. How’s that sound?”

“Great.”

“Well, if you’re all done, why don’t you get your work area cleaned up and I’ll see you next week?”

“Okay. Thanks for everything, Pamela,” Donna replied.

“You’re welcome. Would you like me to take your piece to the drying room?” 

“Oh, would you?” Donna replied. “That would help so much.”

“Sure,” she said, picking up the piece. “I’ll be in my office if you need anything else. Otherwise I’ll see you next week.” She turned to Josh. “It was very nice to meet you, Mr. Lyman.”

“Good to meet you too,” he said. With a nod, Pamela walked away and disappeared around a corner.

“Well, look at you,” he said. “My long-suffering girlfriend, the artist.”

Donna grinned. “Well, now I don’t think I would go that far, but thanks.” She gave his waist a little squeeze, “Now, why did you pick me up tonight instead of Sam? I thought you had a meeting on the Hill.”

He looked at her for a second. Her hair was up in a loose, lopsided ponytail. She looked disheveled and beautiful and happy. “It got canceled. So I told Sam I’d pick you up myself. In fact, I was hoping I could talk you into going to dinner with me. I made reservations and everything.”

“You? Reservations?” she teased. 

“Yes. ‘Cause I actually know how to dial a phone and you know, speak into it,” he teased back.

She grinned, “Since you’ve become so technologically savvy, I’d love to....oh, wait,” she paused, looking down at herself. “I’m a mess. Do we have time for me to go home and shower and change?”

“Well, I figured you’d want to change first.” Josh glanced at his watch, “It’s 5 now and I made reservations for 7:30. So yeah, I’d say you have enough time.”

She smiled, “Great. Oh, where’s Harley?” She’d left Harley at the office with Sam. Sam had been planning to bring Harley with him when he came to pick her up.

“I talked to Sam and he agreed to look after him until we get done with dinner. We can swing by Sam’s place on the way home and pick him up.”

“You’ve thought of everything, haven’t you?” she said with a grin. 

“You know, for someone who’s getting dinner out of the deal, you might want to watch all the snarky comments about my ability to arrange an evening out,” he said with a grin.

“Old habits die hard, Josh,” she grinned back. “Besides, don’t you know you’re supposed to be helpless without me?”

“I don’t like to think of it as helpless without you, so much as completely lost without you,” he said.

Although she thought his comment was really sweet she couldn’t help but tease him. “Now you’re just sucking up.” 

“Isn’t that what boyfriends do?” he grinned.

“Just the good ones,” she replied.

“Now who’s sucking up?”

“Your girlfriend. Isn’t that what girlfriends do?”

“Only the amazing ones,” Josh replied.

They looked at each other with quiet smiles for a moment, “You know if Toby were here right now he’d probably be making some crack about needing to see his dentist because of the cavity we just gave him from being so sweet,” Donna told him.

Josh’s mouth moved slowly toward hers, “Well, then thank God he isn’t here or I couldn’t do this.” He leaned in the rest of the way until their lips met. The kiss was simple and tender, needing no explanation or definition. It was what it was. A kiss to seal a moment between them.

When they parted, Donna took a steadying breath. His kisses always made her insides spin around. “Well, let me just get things cleaned up and we can go.”

“Would you like some help?”

“I don’t want you to get messy or anything.”

He looked down at his jacket, white dress shirt and brown tie, all of which had smudges of clay from her apron on them. The front of his wool coat had apparently escaped unsullied but he imagined if he looked on the back he would find two muddy hand prints. “Yeah, I think the ship has sailed on that one.” He smiled. “I was going to change before dinner anyway.”

She smiled, “Okay, well the quicker I clean up, the quicker we can leave, so let’s get started.”

Dropping all her tools into her already muddy bucket of water, she carried the bucket over to the sink. “How about if I wash and you dry?” she said with a grin as she handed him a towel.

It struck him for a moment just how...domestic the moment felt. As if they were an old married couple doing the dishes. It wasn’t exciting or especially romantic, but it was something he wouldn’t mind doing with her for the next 50 or 60 years simply because they were doing it together. He took the towel from her. “Works for me.” 

**********

With the two of them working together, clean up at the studio had been a snap and after making a stop at Donna’s apartment, where Donna took a quick shower and Josh changed his clothes, they were on their way to the restaurant.

“So where are we going?” Donna asked him. She had worn jeans and a sweatshirt to her art therapy session but for dinner she’d changed into a pair of soft, dove gray wool pants, a pale pink cashmere sweater and her long ivory wool coat. Luckily she’d managed to keep the clay out of her hair, so she hadn’t had to wash it. Instead she’d brushed it until is shined and was wearing it loose over her shoulders the way she knew Josh liked.

“Somewhere new I read about near Dupont Circle called ‘I Ricchi.’”

“Oh, I saw the write up in The Post about it. They said it was one of the best restaurants in DC. It specializes in Tuscan Italian cooking. Good choice, Josh.” It was also outside of the usual haunts for the government politicos so they were less likely to be interrupted.

He grinned. “I thought you might like it.”

Donna glanced out the window as they drove through the city. Everywhere she looked things were decorated for the holidays. Even the monuments seemed to sparkle a little bit more as if they knew they were competing with the armies of white Christmas lights that many people and businesses were using in their holiday decorating. As usual, because of their sheer scope and grandeur, the monuments won easily.

For some reason, her mind drifted back to Christmases when she was young. They’d been full of food and family and frantic activity. Usually they’d be driving to this house or that and it would have been spent with people she didn’t really know or didn’t really want to be with. There weren’t many other children in her extended family when she’d been growing up so even the pickings for playmates at the holiday gatherings had been slim. Due largely to the fact that they’d often been strapped for money, her parents had also been big believers in not spoiling Donna and so her gifts usually leaned toward the practical. Clothes or shoes or books. From an early age, she knew there was no such thing as Santa Claus. It all added up to the fact that she’d never enjoyed the holidays much.

The only bright spot had been her grandparents. When they’d been alive, one of them would always spend some time with her, even if it was just watching it snow or looking at the lights on a Christmas tree. And the presents from them, while few in number to honor her parents wishes, had always been interesting and fun. She’d gotten her first bike and her first pair of roller skates from them. But, she remembered, what she’d wished for the most at Christmas was that she and her parents and grandparents could, just once, have stayed home and enjoyed a quiet Christmas together. That would have been the best present she could have asked for. 

After her grandparents had died, there had been even less for her to get excited about during the holidays. Her mother had always been a firm believer that the holidays were not about staying home and spending time with your immediate family - because after all, you could do that any time of the year - but about paying your respects and being sociable and making the family rounds. It was even more pronounced after her grandparents were gone. So, even if it meant that they had to go to three different gatherings on Christmas Day, that’s what they did. ‘You have to fulfill your obligations,’ she would say. Then, inevitably, there was the trip home afterward. After her father, whether it had been in the form of eggnog, alcoholic punch or just plain beer, had partaken in just a little too much ‘holiday cheer,’ they’d get in the car and he would drive them home. Looking back now, Donna, who’d often done her best to quietly blend into the backseat during those drives, marveled at the fact they’d made it home in one piece with him behind the wheel.

But as she refocused on the city as it rushed by a small smile formed on her mouth. By contrast, she loved Christmas in DC. Even if she’d been working, she loved seeing the White House and the city wearing its holiday colors. She loved spending time with Josh and CJ and Sam and Toby. She had fun buying presents for people and she loved the fact that except for the Christmas after he was shot, Josh, who under normal circumstances didn’t know where to buy a loaf of bread, had always gotten her something special ‘No,’ she amended. ‘Even that Christmas, the one when he’d been diagnosed with PTSD, he gave her something special.’ He’d stayed alive and he’d gotten better. That was the best present she’d ever gotten. 

Her mother always complained that she never came home for the holidays since she moved to Washington and Donna had always used the excuse that she was needed there and that running the country was difficult and demanding. While that was partially true, the real truth was that she loved spending Christmas in the way SHE wanted to. Not in the way she was expected to.

Josh noticed how quiet she’d gotten and hoped nothing was wrong as he pulled up to the curb in front of the restaurant and parked the car. “Hey,” he said quietly. She turned to him and he saw a single tear run down her cheek. He raised his hand to cup her face and he smoothed away the tear with his thumb. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly. “If you’re not up for dinner we can do it a different time.”

“No, I’m looking forward to dinner. I was just admiring the lights,” she said with a little sniff. “And thinking back to Christmases past.” Taking his hand from her cheek, she pulled it into her lap and held it in both of hers. She shrugged and tried to smile. “Just a moment of the holiday blues, I guess.”

He looked at her for a minute. Because of his Jewish background Christmas had never been a big holiday for him but he wanted it to be special for her and even though he already had very specific plans of what he was going to get her, he thought it couldn’t hurt to do a little fishing while he was at it. Plus he hoped it would brighten her spirits. “Donna? What was your favorite Christmas?”

She looked at him and said, without hesitation, “Every one since I met you.”

Tears welled in his eyes now and he squeezed her hand. There were times when she, quite simply, humbled him beyond all measure. “Even the one that we spent in the emergency room?” he said, with a smile.

“Maybe that one most of all.”

“Why?” he asked with a frown.

She turned his hand over in hers. The old scar on his palm was just visible in the light from the restaurant that was coming in through the window. Gently, she traced the scar with her finger. “Because I was scared. Scared that you wouldn’t make it to another Christmas. I like to think of that as the day that Stanley stitched up your soul and the doctor in the ER stitched up your hand so both of them could start to heal.” She looked up at him. “Because that Christmas saved you and if it hadn’t happened you probably wouldn’t be here with me now.”

Josh let out a slow breath, “Donna, you were the one who saved me that Christmas. Leo told me you were the one who guessed what was happening to me. You were my guardian angel.”

She looked at him, tears shimmering in her eyes, “Well, you’ve been mine for the last few months so I guess we’re even.” She leaned forward so her lips were near his. “Thank you,” she whispered. Leaning in the rest of the way she pressed her lips to his hungrily. One of her hands slid up to his neck as her other one continued to hold his hand. Devouring his mouth she darted the tip of her tongue along his bottom lip, urging his mouth open. Not needing much convincing, he opened it under her tender assault. She tasted him, the subtle, earthy taste of him mixed with the slight tanginess of the toothpaste he’d used before they’d left the apartment. She was dimly aware of his free hand tangled in her hair, his fingers playing over her scalp. Heat and need rose in her like a tingling fire and spread through her body until it settled, heavy and deep, in her center where it seemed to build and wait for release. A release her body was crying out for but her mind was still unsure of. Her mind won and she reluctantly wrapped up the kiss and sat back.

For a moment, the only sound in the car was their labored breathing. Josh watched her, “Wow. You’re welcome.” He paused. “That was...wow.”

Donna’s breath wasn’t quite under control so her words came out a bit breathlessly. “Well, you’d won the last three Kissing War volleys so I had to go on the offensive,” she said with a little smile, trying to give them a moment to both settle back down.

He smiled back at her, “Well, you definitely hit your mark.” He let out one long breath. “Now, since we’ve both been fighting hard on the battlefield are you ready for some dinner?”

Her smiled turned into a grin, “Absolutely.”

**********

“Josh, did you like Hanukkah? When you were growing up, I mean,” Donna asked as the waiter took away the remnants of her salad and Josh’s soup. Sitting adjacent to each other at the small table, they were settled into a quiet corner of the restaurant, facing a small fireplace that had a warm fire burning in it.

He took a sip of his wine. “Yes. Although it was better before Joanie died,” he said. It had always been hard to talk about Joanie to anyone, but with Donna it seemed almost natural to talk about her now. Donna’s hand moved to cover his where it rested on the table. He turned his hand in hers so they were clasped together. “When she was still alive, I remember my mom going all out. She’d make latkes at least three or four nights and we’d always get the little gold-foil wrapped coins.”

“Gelt?” Donna said.

“Right,” he replied. He brushed his thumb over the back of her hand almost unconsciously as he remembered. “Joanie would try to teach me how to spin the dreidel but I was about as uncoordinated then as I am now so it took me forever to get the hang of it. We’d go to temple and like any brother and sister, we’d argue about who got the best present on a given night.” He paused, his expression far away. “I remember sitting on my dad’s lap and listening to him say the blessing and the prayer. Joanie and I would take turns each night on who got to light the candle on the menorah.”

“The thing I remember most was her singing,” he said quietly, almost reverently. “She had a beautiful voice. She wanted to be a conductor and not a singer but her voice was so clear....” he trailed off. After a moment, he looked at Donna. “About the only time I ever heard her actually sing was during Hanukkah.”

She squeezed his hand. “What about after she died?”

“It was different. I think Hanukkah just got too hard for my parents after Joanie died. It was too big of a reminder that she was gone. They’d still get me little gifts for each night, but we started going to someone else’s house for the latkes and the menorah. I’m pretty sure that once I went away to school and usually couldn’t be home for Hanukkah they stopped celebrating it altogether.” 

Donna held his hand and thought about some of the parallels to the memories of their respective holidays. Both of their holidays had been tainted to one degree or another. Life and fate had apparently conspired to rob them of good memories of those times. Well, Donna thought, she planned to see what she could do about changing that for Josh when Hanukkah started next week. She’d managed to give him a present for each night of Hanukkah the first year they’d known each other. No mean feat, given the fact that they’d been campaigning and having time to shop had been all but non-existent, not to mention the lack of the money to actually spend. She seemed to remember getting him elaborate and expensive gifts like a Snickers Bar, a cup of Starbucks coffee, a hamburger from Burger King, a new leather band for the watch he had then, a bagel, a box of Kleenex tissues for the cold he’d been fighting off, and a new pair of black dress socks since he’d worn a hole in the pair he’d brought along on the campaign trail. But the one thing she splurged on, a new scarf, was something she knew he still had and wore on occasion.

Then, the next year was the Christmas after the President had been elected and although they weren’t yet physically in the White House, Josh told her that she couldn’t buy him anymore presents because it wouldn’t look right now that they were government employees. She’d talked him into letting her get him one gift a year for Hanukkah and one for his birthday, but he’d added the added stipulation that each of them would be under $10. Funny how, over the years, he’d followed the 1 gift rule for her for Christmas and her birthday, but not the $10 part. None of the gifts he’d given her over the years had been under $10. Well, she didn’t work for him anymore and Sam was actually paying her quite a bit more than her government salary had been, so this year, she was going to see to it that Hanukkah was special for him. She made a mental note to call his mother in the morning and see if she still had her recipe for latkes.

“I’m sorry if I brought up a sore subject, Josh.” 

He looked at her for a moment, a hint of a smile eventually breaking through his wistful and serious expression. “You didn’t,” he said. “It’s just that it’s been a long time since I’ve thought about it and I never talked about it. To anyone.” He squeezed her hand. “But it feels good to talk to you about it.” He paused. “You know, Donna we’ve spent the last seven years not saying things to each other and now that you don’t work for me anymore, I’d like to officially put a stop to that. So from now on, any subject is open for discussion. Okay?”

She smiled and squeezed his hand back. “Okay.”

It was just about that time that the waiter appeared with their entrees. Donna was having “Costolette D’Agnello A Scottadito” which was grilled lamp chops marinated in lemon and rosemary. Josh was having “Costata di Manzo al Forno” which was Prime Rib of Black Angus Beef, prepared Tuscan style with fresh herbs and olive oil, and, in his case, VERY well done.

They chatted easily as they ate, mostly about what had happened at the White House that day. Even though Donna didn’t work there anymore, she was still hungry for news of what was going on. That was partially because it was such a part of who Josh was and partially because it was part of who she was, too. They also talked about Sam and the fact that his law practice seemed be taking off. He’d already been helping out Toby with some speech writing, but now he had his first solid D.C. client, Senator Andrew Fowler. Already familiar with Sam from his days at the White House, the Democratic Senator from Ohio had even put Sam on retainer. Senator Fowler was on the Senate Judiciary Committee and he wanted Sam’s help with background work on a number of issues relating to cases coming up before the committee. Fowler could have used the Congressional in-house council but he wanted a perspective from outside the Hill who still knew D.C. politics, including the White House, inside and out. It would mean more work for Donna, too, as Sam knew very well what a whiz she was with research. There were also 3 other clients, all from varying D.C. backgrounds, who had also expressed an interest in possibly retaining his services. 

Sam, of course, was beside himself to be back in D.C. on his own terms and doing well. He’d commented to Donna yesterday that while he’d enjoyed his time in the White House and was fall-on-his-knees thankful for the opportunities he’d been given there, it was nice not to be in such a political spotlight and yet still in the thick of what was going on in D.C. She knew exactly what he meant. And tonight only put an emphasis on that point for her. If she’d still been working at the White House it was doubtful she’d be sitting here with Josh having dinner.

Josh leaned back in his chair as the waiter took their dinner plates away. “How was the lamb?” he asked her. 

“Delicious,” she said taking a sip of her wine. “Was the beef well done enough for you?”

“Positively charred.” He smiled. “Actually, it was terrific. We’ll have to keep this place in mind next time we want to have a group outing. I know CJ, Toby and Sam would like it too.”

“Good idea,” she replied, as the waiter set their desserts in front of them. Donna was having “Biscottini E Cantucci Col Vin Santo” which was basically assorted Tuscan cookies served with sweet dipping wine and Josh was having “Gelati Alle Creme” or Italian ice cream, in this case, espresso flavored.

Josh took a bite of his ice cream and savored the rich flavor of it. He mentally sighed. He’d put off the discussion he wanted to have with her long enough, it was time to bring it up. They’d had such a wonderful evening, he hoped he wasn’t about to spoil it. He saw it as a good thing and he hoped she did, too.

“Josh?” Donna said, interrupting his brain’s attempt at getting him to spit out what he had to say.

“Hmmm?” he said, surprised by her timing.

“You’ve been a little preoccupied for the last few minutes. Is anything wrong? Anything you want to talk about?”

He blinked and looked at her, “How do you do that?”

“Do what?” she asked innocently, although she was pretty sure he was going to say something about mind reading.

“Know what I’m thinking,” he replied.

‘Close enough,’ she thought with a grin. “I keep telling you, Josh, I’m tuned to you.” 

“Yeah, but it’s getting kind of freaky. I mean maybe you’ve missed your calling. Maybe we should set you up with your own hotline or something. You know, like ‘Mistress Donnatella’s Psychic Hotline.’ You could make millions.”

She dipped one of her cookies in the sweet wine they’d brought and took a bite. Chewing thoughtfully on the delicately flavored piece, she listened to him ramble. In the world of Josh, rambling often equaled stalling. Now she was really curious to hear what he was stalling about. “It would never work,” she replied simply.

That seemed to bring him up short. “Why not?”

Swallowing the bite she was chewing on, she looked at him squarely. “Because it only works with you.” She patted his hand. “I’m in tune with you, not the entire, you know, universe.” She picked up another cookie and dipped it slowly in the wine. “So stop stalling and spit it out.”

“God, you’re amazing,” he told her with smirk. “Okay....” he took another bit of his dessert for courage, which made no sense as neither caffeine nor dairy products were know for their courage building abilities. He let out a breath. “So in the spirit of the ‘any subject is open for discussion,’ I’ve been giving what you said about going back to college some thought.”

“Really?” she replied. “That’s what you’ve been wanting to talk about?” She hadn’t expected that subject to come up during dinner and what’s more, she didn’t see how that it would worry him enough to lead to all the procrastinating.

“Yeah,” he said, now ready to dive into unknown waters. “Do you think you could pay for it if I paid your rent?”

‘Ah,’ she thought. Now she understood. “Josh, I appreciate the offer but it’s not fair for you to make the payment on your townhouse and the rent on my apartment.”

Of course, she didn’t know he was already paying a large part of her rent and he had no intention of telling her at that point. “I agree,” he replied. “I was thinking about selling or sub-leasing my townhouse. I’m never there anyway.”

She laid the cookie in her hand down and once again she looked at him, “Josh? What, exactly, are you saying?”

He reached his hand out to her and she took it. “What I’m saying, and you’re completely free to say no, is that we’re already living together and have been for the last two months. Why don’t we make it official and move in together?” He saw the next question in her eyes and answered it for her. “Things between us wouldn’t change. Nothing is going to happen between us that you don’t want or that you’re not ready for.” He smiled. “The only thing that would change is more of my stuff is going to be over at your place....our place.” He paused. “If I sell the townhouse I’d make a profit because property values have gone up since I bought it and if I sub-lease it I could get more than enough to make the mortgage payment every month. Either way, I could pay your rent and you could pay for school. I kind of got the impression that you wanted to do that part on your own.”

She smiled, pleased that he’d understood that. “Yes, I did.”

“So what do you think of the idea?” he asked her gently. “You can take all the time you want to think about it.”

She looked at him, watching the candlelight flickering in his eyes. Some women would be disappointed that he hadn’t asked her to marry him. But not Donna. She knew she wasn’t ready for that step yet. She was getting a little closer and this was a step in the right direction. As he’d done all along, Josh was taking things slow and letting her decide how she wanted to proceed. “I don’t need to think about it,” she replied quietly. “I think it’s a great idea. But are you sure you want to do it? I’ll find a way to pay for college even if we don’t move in together. I don’t want you to feel like you have to do it or that I won’t end up going back to school if you don’t.”

“I don’t feel that way,” he squeezed her hand to reassure her. “I want to do this. You know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t have brought it up if I didn’t.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather have us live at your townhouse? I mean you already own it and it is a little bigger than my apartment,” she pointed out.

Relieved that she was agreeing with his idea and not getting mad or dumping the rest of her dinner over his head, he smiled. “Well, it’s not a lot bigger. Just an extra bedroom really. A bedroom which I don’t use except to store stuff or when Sam used to come to visit. But Sam’s got his own place here now so that pretty much nixes that use. I’m sure we can fit both our things into your apartment. And what doesn’t fit can go into storage. Oh, and remember, my condo board doesn’t allow pets.” He smiled. “While I think we could manage to smuggle in CJ’s gold fish or something the size of a Chihuahua, I don’t think we’d manage to get Harley past the condo board’s notice.” He paused. “Besides, you’re already settled there and to be honest I like your place better than mine. Other than the fact that you’re there, it’s got the underground parking mine doesn’t, it’s more secure than mine is, and it’s closer to the White House and Sam’s office than mine is. Unless you have some great love for my townhouse I’d rather we just stayed at your apartment.”

She brushed her thumb across the back of his hand. “The only reason I would like your townhouse better would be if you were there.”

He looked at her and the love he felt for her all but choked him. He was so proud of her, of what she’d endured and survived to be the amazing person she was. She was funny and intelligent and she loved him. If he never got another thing in his life he’d still be the luckiest man alive. “I love you,” he said. In the last week it had often struck him how easy those three words were to say to her and how right saying them felt.

She looked at him with suspiciously bright eyes, made even brighter by the candle and firelight that was reflected in them. How had she ever deserved him? This man who’d given her so much. Who’d saved her. Who loved her. “I love you, too.” He leaned in and kissed her tenderly. The sweet cookie and wine taste of her mouth was an unusual but wonderful compliment to the creamy espresso taste of his. ‘It’s so like us,’ she thought. At first glance, they were not an obvious combination but once you put them together, you wondered why no one had ever thought about it before.

When they broke apart, Donna looked at him. “Josh, did you think I’d be angry you wanted to suggest moving in together?”

“Well, I thought it could go either way. I didn’t know if you would think I was pressuring you or moving too fast or maybe you’d want more...” he tried to explain.

“How can I want more when you already give me everything I want?” A soft smile warmed her face even more. “Love, support, laughter and you. I could never ask for more than that.”

He watched the sincerity in her eyes and hoped she saw it in his. “Some might want marriage,” he said quietly. She started to speak but he stopped her. “Wait, let me say this. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. There’s nothing I’d like more than to marry you someday, Donnatella. I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else. But I didn’t think you were quite ready to take that step and if ‘you’re’ not ready, that means ‘we’re’ not ready.”

Donna was quiet for a moment. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about marrying you. I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else either, Joshua. And you were right, I’m not quite ready. But......,” she reached out and laid her hand on his cheek. “I’m getting ready. I won’t be ‘not ready’ forever. And when I get there, you’ll be the first one to know because I’ll be the one asking YOU to marry ME.”

He smiled and, turning his head, he pressed a kiss into the palm of her hand. “And when that time comes, I’ll be the one saying yes.”

She smiled at his words. It was bright and full of hope and promise. “Now, finish your dessert so we can go....home,” she told him.

**********

“They say it’s going to snow tonight,” Josh commented as they stepped outside and stood on the front stoop of the building. They’d just gotten back from dinner and picking up Harley from Sam’s. After dropping their things off at the apartment...their apartment, they were on their way out again to take Harley for a final walk of the night. 

With the now reporters gone, it seemed even more quiet that usual outside to Donna. Only the occasional passing car or pedestrian broke the stillness. She took a deep lungful of the cold night air. It was a good evening for a walk. “I’ll take snow over reporters any day,” Donna replied as they started down the steps with Harley’s leash gripped tightly in her hand.

As they started down the sidewalk, Josh held out his elbow and Donna linked her arm with his. “Hard to argue with that,” he told her. “Oh, I meant to tell you, Mike called me today.”

“Really? What did he want?”

“He’d like to see us.”

She looked at Josh. “Did he say why? I mean, is everything all right with the case?”

“Far as I know. He told me he’d like to talk to us about a few things. I’m only guessing but I think he wants to give us some information on the case that might come out in the press or during the trial. I think he feels responsible for making sure we stay well informed and he wants us to hear things from him first so we’ll be prepared.”

“Hmmm,” she replied. A few moments of silence passed before she spoke again. “Josh, I’ve been meaning to run something by you.”

“What is it?”

“I was wondering....what would you say to me testifying at the trial?”

It took him a moment to find his voice to answer, “But how can you testify? You don’t remember anything.”

“Oh, no, sorry. During the penalty phase, I mean. I can speak to how the attack affected my life. I’m going to ask to Barbara about it and see what she thinks but I’ve been giving it some thought and I’d like to do it if they’ll let me. I’d kind of like to speak for the victims. I feel at least some responsibility for them.”

He stopped walking, “Donna, what happened to them wasn’t your fault.”

“No, I know,” she said, honestly. “I just....it’s hard to explain. But....I want to be their voice. I’m sure that their families and friends will speak too but I want to do this. I need to do this.” She looked at him. “Since I can’t testify during the criminal phase I still want to do what I can to see that he never hurts anyone again.”

He squeezed her arm and they started walking again. “Well, then that would make you about the bravest person I’ve ever met.”

“Thanks,” she said with a smile as they walked on.

Their usual walking path for Harley’s nightly ritual took them along a two block area around the apartment but tonight all three of them were in the mood to walk so they expanded their walk to cover four blocks. A lot of it was passed in a comfortable silence. Harley was sniffing with fascination at anything he could reach, and Josh and Donna were simply enjoying being outside together without having to worry about how it might look. The glow of the neighborhood holiday decorations and lights were a wonderful backdrop to the cold, still night.

When Harley left a steaming present on the sidewalk, Donna handed Josh the leash and pulled a plastic bag out of her pocket. Always priding herself on being a responsible pet owner, she used the bag to scoop up the pile and then she walked a few feet behind them to deposit it in a nearby trash receptacle. As she turned to walk to walk back to Josh and Harley something caught her eye. Across the street was a small Christmas tree lot. The older gentleman working there looked to be closing up for the night. 

Josh and Harley had waited for Donna and when he saw her stop and look across the street he followed her gaze to the Christmas tree lot. Walking back to where she was standing he saw the wistful look on her face. “Donna?”

“Yeah?” she said, still looking at the trees.

He smiled. She looked just like a little kid. “Everything okay?”

“Hmm? What?” She suddenly realized Josh was talking to her and she turned to look at him. “Oh, Josh, I’m sorry. What did you say?”

“I asked if everything was okay.”

“Oh, yeah. Of course,” she replied, still a little distracted.

His smile widened and he jerked his head at the trees. “You want to go take a look?”

“Could we? You wouldn’t mind?” she asked, her own smile breaking out. “Just for a minute.”

“Sure, come on.” He took her gloved hand in his and after checking to make sure there were no cars coming, the three of them crossed the street to the tree lot.

“Evenin’,” the older gentleman greeted them as they walked up. “It’s awful late for you young people to be out and about. Can I help you with anything?”

“We were out for a walk, saw your tree lot and thought we’d come over and take a look,” Josh told him.

“Well, I was just closing up but you’re welcome to take a look around. If you see anything you like, just let me know,” he replied. “My name’s Chris.”

“Thank you, Chris,” Josh said as he watched the man disappear behind a group of trees. He turned to Donna, only to find her still staring in happy delight at all the trees. He leaned in close to her, “Which one would you like?”

She looked at him, sure she’d heard him wrong. “What?”

“I said which one would you like. You know, Donna, maybe we should get your hearing checked. Evergreen seems to have a dampening affect on it,” he said with a teasing grin. “Ever since we got near this lot you’ve been having some trouble hearing me.”

“You wouldn’t mind if I got a tree?”

“Not only do I not mind, I will buy you the tree of your choice,” he told her.

She grinned. “Really?!!” She threw her arms around him. “You’re not going to be offended or anything?”

“Of course not,” he chuckled and hugged her back.

“Toby’s not gonna be offended or anything either is he?” she asked pulling back to look at him. “I mean if we have him and CJ and Sam over or something.”

“I can’t imagine why. Besides, even if he was, he’d have nothing to say about it anyway, you don’t live with Toby, now do you?” He pointed out with a grin. “The only one who can rightfully object would be the other occupant of the apartment.” They both looked down at Harley. “What do you say, boy? You mind if we get a tree?” 

Harley, who’d been standing next to Josh thinking how fun it would be to see how many of the trees he could leave his mark on, sat down and barked once in agreement. He liked the idea of having his very own tree in his very own human’s apartment. The other dogs in the neighborhood and at the big white building would be green with envy.

“Well, it’s settled then,” Josh said with a laugh. “So why don’t you go pick out a tree?”

Donna grinned excitedly and hugged him again. Letting go of him she turned to look at the trees. It didn’t take long until her eyes fell on just the right one. “That one,” she said, pointing to one of them.

Josh looked at the one she’d picked out. “That one?! Are you sure? I think it’s bigger than your couch. Do you think it will even fit in your apartment?” 

Just then, Chris walked over to them. “Good choice,” he said, referring to the seven foot blue spruce pine tree she’d picked out.

“Pleeeease, Josh,” she begged. “You said any one I wanted and I want that one.”

He grinned. “Okay,” he said, pulling out his wallet. “How much is it, Chris?”

Chris stroked his short, neatly trimmed, snow white beard. “Well, that’s a very special tree. One of the best on my lot. Normally it would be about $120.”

“$120!” Josh and Donna exclaimed.

“Now, if you two young people will just let me finish...I said it would normally be $120. But since it’s late and you seem like you’ll give it a good home, I’ll let you have it for $60,” he said with a grin.

“Sold,” Donna replied with another excited grin.

Josh had to keep from laughing at how easily she was spending his money. “Okay, I can live with $60,” he said, handing it over. “Now, let me just run home and get my car.....”

Chris stroked his beard again, “Well, now we’ve got a problem there, son. I’ve got to get home to the missus and I’m already late. If you can’t take it now, I’m afraid you’ll have to come back and get it tomorrow.”

Josh looked at Donna, who was giving him the full power of the pout she knew he was powerless to resist. He looked back at Chris, “Any idea how I can get it home tonight? We live about 3 blocks from here.”

“Aww, that’s easy. Just drag it home,” Chris suggested.

Donna joined the debate at that point. “Won’t that ruin it?”

“Nope,” Chris replied. “I’ll bag it up for you and it will be as good as new when you get it there. I’ll even throw in a free tree stand.”

“Well, Josh?” Donna asked him.

Now she was doing the half pout which was just as potent as the full. “Sure. Okay. I mean how hard can it be to drag a tree three blocks?”

**********

“Harley, next time I agree to drag a tree, Christmas or otherwise, three blocks could you bite me or something?” Josh said looking down at him. Harley looked up at him and wagged his tail in sympathy. Dragging the tree had been much harder than he’d expected. Although it was wrapped in netting to make it much narrower and half covered in a piece of cardboard so the branches didn’t get scraped or broken, it was heavier than he’d expected and about as maneuverable as a tank. His arm and his back were already aching from gripping the base of the trunk and the force required to drag it over curbs and sidewalks and every invisible thing that the netting seemed to get caught on.

They’d been about halfway home when Donna realized that she didn’t have any lights for the tree and that her Christmas decorations were still out in the storage facility with her car. As fate would have it, they passed the small drug store not too far from the apartment and it happened to be open 24 hours and, like every kind of store from grocery to hardware at Christmas, had a selection of holiday lights and decorations. So, consequently, Josh and Harley found themselves, standing outside the drug store waiting for Donna to come out with some lights and a few decorations. 

“Is it just me or do you I feel like we’re in some kind of twisted Christmas riddle?” he asked Harley. “A Jewish lawyer, a dog, and a Christmas tree go into a bar..... or you know, in our case, stand outside a 24-hour drug store waiting for it to snow.” He paused, and, as if on cue, light flakes of snow began to trickle out of the sky. “All I have to do now is think up a good punch line.” Just then, the bell on the door jingled and Donna came out. She was carrying three shopping bags full of stuff. “Wow, did you clean them out?” he asked her with a grin.

She grinned, “Almost, I think.”

“Well, you ready to go? Me and the mutt are getting frostbite.”

“Yep, I’m all set,” she replied taking Harley’s leash from him. They trudged on, the snow falling faster and faster the closer they got to home. Finally they reached the brownstone and as he put his foot on the bottom step, Donna put her hand on his arm. “Josh.”

“Hmmm? What’s wrong? Don’t you want to go inside and get the tree set up?” he asked her.

“Yes, but I wanted to tell you.....” she trailed off. “I just wanted to say....” Her throat seemed to keep closing up.

With a frown, Josh set down the tree and stepped over to her. She looked up at him and there were tears shimmering in her eyes. “What is it?” he asked her.

“No one ever bought me a Christmas tree before. We had a fake one when I was young and all the ones I’ve had as an adult I bought. Thank you, Josh.”

He looked at her. There was snow glistening in her hair and on the shoulders of her coat, making her look like she’d been brushed with diamond dust. He remembered the day at the farm when they’d made snow angels behind the house and he thought that here, standing before him, was his real, living, breathing snow angel. Leaning in, as he seemed to be doing a lot, he kissed her. Their lips were both cold but neither of them seemed to mind. After a moment, he pulled back. “You’re welcome,” he said softly. “Now let’s get this tree inside and see if we can get it decorated before New Year’s.”

**********

“Well, what do you think?” Josh asked, stepping back so she could see it without him standing in the way.

It had taken a little bit of work, including the rather comical production of getting the tree into and then out of the elevator, but between the two of them they’d managed to wrestle the large tree into her apartment.

Donna looked up from the box of new ornaments she’d been unpacking. The tree just fit in the corner of her apartment. After managing to get the tree up in the stand, without it looking completely crooked, he’d added the twinkling, colored lights she’d bought. Even with no other decoration than the lights, the tree looked wonderful. “I think it’s about the nicest tree I’ve ever seen. You did a great job, Josh.”

Josh walked over to her and took a handful of popcorn out of the large bowl sitting next to the ornaments. “Yeah, I’m kind of impressed myself,” he said around the mouthful of popcorn. 

She smirked, “Yes, and we both know how hard that is to do.”

“Hey, it’s my first tree you know,” he pointed out.

She looked at him and smiled. “Well, then I’m glad you’re impressed because I have a feeling there will be many more in your future.” Josh reached for another handful of popcorn, “Hey, that’s for the tree,” she told him.

“But I’m tired and hungry after I lugged your prize home,” he whined.

“Well, it is late,” she said hanging the first ornament on the tree. “And even thought it’s Saturday tomorrow...” she checked her watch. “Or more accurately, today. You’ve got staff at 8 so maybe you should go to bed.”

“What about you?” he said, sitting down on the couch.

“I’m going to finish putting the ornaments on the tree. Then I’ll be along. All I’ve got tomorrow is my session with Barbara so I can sleep in.”

“Sam gives you Saturdays off?” Josh asked.

“No, Sam gives me Sundays off, unless there’s an emergency. Saturdays I’m on call.”

“How exactly is that different from when you worked for me?

“Because ‘on call’ to Sam means only if he really, really needs me. ‘On call’ to you meant, I better plan on coming in anyway,” she told him as she bent over to pick up an ornament from the coffee table.

“Well, I really, really needed you all the time,” Josh told her softly. “I still do.”

She stood up and looked at him. “I know,” she replied with a soft smile. “And...I liked the fact that you did and I still do,” she said, echoing his words. Putting down the ornament, she walked around the table and sat down next to him on the couch. “Tell you what. Since you worked so hard to get me this tree, I’ll finish decorating it tomorrow. The tree and the lights are enough for now.”

“What did you have in mind instead of decorating?” 

She smiled, “I’ll give you a choice. Either we can turn in for the night and get some sleep or, since I’m clairvoyant where you’re concerned and I know your back’s bothering you from lugging the tree home, I could give you a massage so you’re not a pretzel for staff tomorrow. It’s the least I can do for all the times you rubbed my back when I was milking the cows.”

“God, that is a tough choice,” he said with a smirk. “Ah, I can sleep when I’m old...and, no, that was not an opening for you to make cracks about my age.”

She grinned, “I wouldn’t dream of it. So I take it that you’re choosing door number 2?”

“Yes, but I have a stipulation,” he told her.

“What?”

“Wait until I get home tomorrow to finish decorating the tree.” He smiled. “I’ll even help you string popcorn.”

Donna had to swallow the lump in her throat, before she could speak. “Okay, I promise to wait for you to get....home.” 

TBC

**********  
Chapter 39 - MATURE

Saturday was crisp and clear as Donna turned into the parking lot and pulled into the first space she found. There was still plenty of evidence of the light snow from the night before but the roads were clean and dry. Josh lent her his car so she didn’t have to take the Metro to Bethesda to see Barbara. Tossing her purse over her shoulder, she took hold of Harley’s leash and he jumped down out of the car. After she locked the car, they walked into the building. Choosing the stairs rather than the elevator, Donna and Harley walked up to the second floor and knocked on Barbara’s door. She heard footsteps move toward the door and the sound of the metal latch turning as Barbara opened the door.

“Hi, Donna, come on in,” she said. 

“Hi, Barbara,” Donna said, as they walked inside.

Barbara knelt down to greet Harley. “Hey, boy. How are you?” Harley responded by giving her a face a good lick. Barbara laughed and scratched him behind the ears. Standing, she closed the door behind them. “Would you like some tea, Donna?” 

“Yes, please,” she replied, as she settled herself on the wide, comfortable, sage colored couch. Harley settled down by her feet. “I like your the lights,” she said, referring to the strings of white icicle lights that Barbara had hung along the top of her bookcases. It made her already warm, comfortably cluttered office look festive without going overboard.

“Oh, thanks. I don’t usually decorate too much for the holidays,” she said, drawing them each a cup of hot water from the water cooler. Bringing them over, she set them down on a tray she’d already put out on the coffee table. “Personally, I like to take the minimal approach. It’s not that I don’t like Christmas, far from it, I even have a small tree at home. But since I’m single and I’m usually visiting family or friends during the holidays, I never got used to going all out with the decorating.” She settled herself into the club chair that matched the couch and dropped a tea bag into her mug.

“Oh, is that what you’re doing for the holidays this year? Visiting family?” Donna asked as she stirred her tea.

“Yes, my niece just had a baby and so I’ll be spending the holidays with them and my sister in Michigan.”

Donna took a sip of her tea. “We’re going to have a few people over, just friends.” Her and Josh had decided to have a quiet Christmas morning with just the two of them and then a late afternoon dinner with Sam, Toby, CJ and Will.

“Oh, that should be fun.”

“I hope so. We’re going the non-traditional route. We just had turkey for Thanksgiving and although a lot of people have ham for Christmas, Josh and Toby are Jewish and so ham is kind of out, so we decided on salmon.”

“Salmon sounds like a great alternative,” Barbara replied. “Oh, help yourself to the pineapple coffee cake.”

Donna reached out and cut herself of the coffee cake that was sitting on the tea tray. “I see you’ve been fostering your co-dependent relationship with Mrs. Johnson.”

“Guilty as charged,” Barbara replied with a grin as she stirred her tea. “So, Donna, what’s been going on with you? It sounds like you’re enjoying the holidays.”

Donna chewed on her bite of coffee cake. “I am, but I wasn’t so much until yesterday.”

“Really? So what happened yesterday?” she said, taking another sip of her tea.

“Well, I went to my first art therapy class.”

“What did you think?” Barbara asked her.

“I really liked it, oh, and Pamela is really patient. We started with pottery. It was really relaxing. I even got a bowl made. It was lopsided but....” Donna said with a proud grin.

“Really? After just one session? That’s terrific.” Barbara took her. “So you’re going to stay with it?”

“Oh, yes, definitely.”

“Good, glad to hear it. But what does that have to do with you enjoying the holidays?”

“Well, nothing really, except that it was the start of really great evening. See Josh surprised me by picking me up after my session and he took me out for a wonderful dinner,” she sipped her tea as she remembered. “And then after dinner we went for a walk and he bought me a Christmas tree.” A completely sappy smile crossed her face.

“But didn’t you say he was Jewish? Can I assume he doesn’t even celebrate Christmas?” 

Donna nodded. “Well, since I’ve know him he’s kind of celebrated both of them. He grew up only celebrating Hanukkah and he doesn’t really celebrate Christmas so much for himself but he always gets me and a number of friends, family, and associates Christmas presents every year.” She smiled, “Or should I say I give him a selection of gifts and he tells me what he wants me to buy for everyone. All except my gift. He always picks out and buys mine himself.” She paused and thought for a moment. “But as far as I know, he’s never bought a Christmas tree before, which was why I was so surprised when he offered to get me one last night. I didn’t even have to ask, he just saw me looking at the lot and he told me to pick out one.” She grinned. “He even dragged it three blocks back to the apartment because the guy was getting ready to close and couldn’t wait for us to go and get the car. Then he helped me decorate it.”

“You’re kidding?! That is about the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard,” Barbara told her.

Donna smiled. “I know....” Her voice trailed off and her expression softened. “It was beyond sweet.”

“Why do I think that’s not the whole story?” Barbara asked.

Donna traced the lip of her mug. “At dinner he asked me to move in with him.” She looked up at Barbara and smiled softly. “Or more accurately he asked if he could move in with me.”

Barbara was having a hard time reading Donna. She didn’t seem to be upset by what Josh had proposed but there was still something there. “And what did you think about that?”

“Oh, I think it’s a great idea and I told him so. I mean we’ve been pretty much unofficially living together since before we went to New Hampshire,” Donna told her.

“But.......” Barbara prompted.

Donna stared at her for a moment, “No ‘but.’ I really do want us to officially live together. The time that he’s been staying with me has been great. We don’t seem to get on each other’s nerves, we still do the banter thing, he makes me laugh, he’s supportive of things I want to do, and he loves Harley,” she said running her hand over a semi-sleeping Harley’s head.

“Okay. That all sounds great,” Barbara replied. “But......”

Donna looked at her for moment, trying to put her feelings into words. “Um...well...I...we....”

“Donna, it’s okay,” Barbara said, gently. “Take a breath.” 

She leaned back a little into the couch and closed her eyes. Taking a couple of deep steadying breaths, she tried again. The words came out in a bit of a rush. “While we were talking about moving in together, we also talked about marriage.” She took another breath, “Josh said that he thought about marrying me.”

“And that was bad?” Barbara asked. 

Donna shook her head. “No, no. It was....it was wonderful.”

Barbara frowned. “Then I’m not seeing the problem.”

“He said he didn’t ask me to marry him because I wasn’t ready for that step,” Donna replied.

“Okay. How did you feel about that?”

Donna stared at the icicle lights. “He’s right, I’m not ready.” Then she focused back in on Barbara. “But I want to be.”

“Good, that’s a big step in right direction,” Barbara replied. She saw Donna’s frown. “It’s not a step in the right direction?”

“I’m just not sure it’s so much a question of getting married but of, you know....” her voice trailed off. “I mean I’ve thought about marrying him, too. I know I can’t see myself with anyone but Josh. I don’t want to be with anyone else. But....”

“Donna, are you worried about being physically intimate with Josh?”

She nodded, “Yes. Exactly. But I don’t know why. We’ve started kissing and it’s everything it’s supposed to be. Everything it hasn’t been in the past with others. Toe-curling, heart-quickening, breath-stealing, loin-burning.....”

“Loin-burning?” Barbara asked.

Donna shrugged, “Sorry, it’s what came to mind.”

“Okay. So what are you worried about?” 

“I have no earthly idea,” Donna wailed as she sank back into the couch cushions. “I don’t know what’s holding me back.”

“Sure you do,” Barbara insisted. “Let’s think about it.”

Donna stared at the ceiling and tried to make a reason surface. “I guess I have....concerns.”

“Well, tell me what they are.”

“What, for example, if I’m....inadequate?”

Barbara frowned, “In what way?”

Donna leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “Before....with the others sex was just...sex. Oh, it was fine and all, I had the occasional orgasm but for the most part sex seemed like something that they wanted more than I did. I mean I was a willing participant but I did it usually because they wanted it and I wanted to please them.” She tried to smile, “No pun intended.” She paused. “But with Josh.....I....” her voice trailed off.

“With Josh you want it too. It means something to you and that scares the crap out of you,” Barbara finished.

Donna grinned in spite of herself. “Yeah, I guess that’s pretty much it. I don’t want to disappoint....either of us.”

“Good,” Barbara replied with a smile.

Donna frowned. “Good?” 

“Yes, it’s good because it’s supposed to mean something, Donna. The sexual abuse from your childhood, even though you repressed it, did everything it could to short circuit that. But when it’s with the right person and at the right time, it’s scary and amazing and fun and everything in between. That’s because it goes from being a purely physical act to an emotional one and an extension of what you feel for each other. And yes, I know that sounds like a romance novel description, but it’s true. But ask any sex therapist and they’ll tell you that most sex goes on between your ears, not between your legs. Good sex starts with a healthy attitude about sex.” She paused for a moment. “Let me ask you something that I think will put this issue to rest for you.”

“Okay,” Donna replied, not knowing what question Barbara was going to ask her.

“With your past sexual partners, did you ever have the same, deep, emotional connection with them that you have with Josh?”

Donna considered that for a minute. She thought about Scott, a.k.a. Dr. Freeride. Just like she’d told Barbara, she’d thought she was in love with him but she could see now that there had been something missing from their relationship. She’d kept waiting for it to change, waiting for things to be the way she wanted, the way she expected, the way she hoped. And yet that had never materialized. Because of it she’d always held part, a big part, of herself back. Then she thought about Cliff. She’d hardly known him long enough to know his name, much less form an emotional connection with him. Their fast and furious relationship and the one night stand it had spawned, definitely fell in the ‘purely physical act’ category. And then there was Jack. She cared about Jack but the fact that he’d worked in the White House had sort of lent itself to having a certain distance in their relationship. There was always a certain guardedness on both their parts. And of course the way things had ended, with Jack letting her take the blame for his quote, had been less than desirable. She couldn’t imagine Josh ever letting her take the fall for anything he’d done. 

Scott, Cliff and Jack had all used or taken advantage of her to some degree or another and she’d let them. Hell, on a number of occasions she’d encouraged and helped them. She saw now that her part in that equation had come out of a lack of self-esteem. But it was worth noting that it hadn’t happened with Josh. Oh, he’d used her in minor ways on occasion at work to further an agenda he was working on. The difference was, he’d never used her as a person and she knew he never would. The thought filled her with more warmth than any cup of hot tea or electric blanket could have.

She looked back at Barbara, “No, I’ve never had a connection to anyone like I have with Josh.”

“I figured as much,” Barbara replied. “Now, if we turn the tables and I were to ask you if you thought that anything Josh could do in the bedroom would be inadequate, what would you say?”

Donna didn’t hesitate to answer, “Nothing Josh could do in or out of the bedroom could ever be inadequate to me.” She smiled. “Just don’t tell him I said that or his head will be able to double for a balloon float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade.”

Barbara smiled back. “Your secret’s safe with me. But what I’m getting at is I’d be willing to bet, if you asked Josh the same question about you, he’d have the same response.”

“You really think so?” she asked.

“What I think isn’t important here, Donna. What you think is. So what do you think he’d say?”

Donna thought about it and she could almost hear Josh saying the words. She smiled softly. Trying to see herself through Josh’s eyes was quite an eye opener. “Yes, I think he would say the same thing.”

Barbara grinned. “Well, there you go. Now what are some of your other concerns?”

Donna’s happiness at overcoming the first issue was overshadowed by Barbara’s question. “Do I have to have more?” she asked with a frown.

“You did say ‘concerns.’ That implies more than one,” Barbara pointed out. “Hey, we’re 1 for 1 so far. Don’t stop now.”

Donna thought about it some more. “Well, I guess the attack has something to do with it too. I mean when I had to say ‘rape’ to Danny Concannon for his article, it kind of threw me.”

Barbara looked at her for a minute. “I’d be surprised if it wasn’t on your mind. When I first looked at your case and suspected the abuse you suffered as a child, I knew there would come a time when we’d have to deal with the attack and the rape. You see, Donna, we had to weed through your childhood issues first because although they were older, they were more immediate. They were old patterns that were coloring the way you were reacting to the new trauma of your assault. The two things were tangled up together. So, now that we’ve pretty well cleared out the childhood issues, how do you feel about the rape and your assault?”

Donna sighed, “You know it’s the strangest feeling. I still don’t remember the attack.”

“And I think we’ve pretty much established that, unlike your childhood trauma, your head injury is going to keep you from ever remembering more than snatches and images,” Barbara put in.

“Right.” Donna agreed. “But what I mean is that while on a conscious level I don’t remember it, on another level I do. And what I remember seems to emerge at the most inopportune and surprising ways. Like when I smelled the President’s cigarette and it made me remember the smell and the pain of being burned during the attack and I passed out and got sick.” She took a breath as the thought began to solidify in her mind. “What if Josh and I are making love and I have some kind of flashback about the rape and freak out or pass out? Something I’m not expecting? He would take it personally and feel like it was his fault. Not to mention the fact I would be mortified and be the one to actually blame since it’s what would be going on in my head. I think it would be a serious blow to any physical relationship we’d want to have.”

“You make a very valid point,” Barbara began. “But I’m not sure that you can compare your memory of the rape and the burn equally. Just because you had a reaction from the burn, doesn’t mean you’ll have one from the rape. You may have just been more conscious when he burned you because it probably happened near the end of the attack. It’s very likely that you were more deeply unconscious during the rape. There’s also the fact that while there was a certain amount of pain and smell during the rape, both aspects would have been even more pronounced when you were being burned. Smell is the sense most closely related to memory, which is why I think that the cigarette burn is such a trigger point for you.” 

Donna considered that. “Well, that does make sense,” she said, although her voice sounded like she wasn’t quite convinced.

“In any case, I think I have a couple of suggestions that might help. But before I tell you what they are, is there anything else you’re concerned about?”

Donna sighed, “All that wasn’t enough?”

Barbara smiled comfortingly. “Yes, of course it was. I just wanted to make sure that we’d covered everything before I go any farther.”

“No, I think that’s it,” Donna answered.

Barbara nodded. “Okay, here’s my first suggestion. You need to practice.”

“Practice?” Donna asked, baffled.

Barbara nodded and poured herself a new cup of hot water for another cup of tea. “You need to visualize yourself making love with Josh. Practice it in your head. Not just once, but a couple of times. Take some time when you’re alone and relaxed. Make it as vivid and specific as possible. Visualize different settings and positions. Not just how it looks, but how it feels, how it tastes, and how it smells. Then see how it makes you feel. Are you panicked? Scared? Happy? Does it feel comfortable? Sexy? Right? Wrong? Besides helping you possibly gauge how you’ll react to the real thing, the simple act of ‘practicing’ will also help you get used to the idea of taking that step. If the visualization is a positive experience, chances are the real thing will be too. It all goes back to what I was saying about the biggest part of sex happening in your head.” Barbara dropped a tea bag into the water. “If you have any questions or problems with the visualizations, we can talk about it more in our next session.”

“Okay, I’ll give it a try,” Donna told her.

“That’s all I ask.” Barbara stirred her tea for a moment. “And here’s my second suggestion. You need to talk to Josh about your concerns.”

“But I don’t want to worry him....”

“You’re making excuses,” Barbara told her. “Any successful relationship, sexual or otherwise, is based on good communication. You need to tell him. Even if everything goes fine and there are no negative effects when you take that step with him, he has a right to know.”

“I’m scared to talk to him about it,” Donna said honestly.

“It’s okay to be scared. People are often embarrassed or scared to talk about their sexual health or sexual wants and needs with their partner, even under the best of circumstances. You’ve got the added complication of the attack and the abuse in your childhood, both of which make it even harder. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it.” Donna still looked unsure. “Okay, look. If you think that you can try my first suggestion, just promise me you’ll think about the second one. Is that fair?”

Donna felt like she’d gotten a little reprieve. The first suggestion definitely sounded interesting but the second one made her stomach swarm with butterflies. “Very fair,” she said with a nod. “I promise to think about talking to him.” 

“Good.” There was a pause and for a moment, the only sound in the room was Harley’s soft snoring.

“Barbara,” Donna began as she took the last bite of her coffee cake. “There is one other thing I wanted to ask you about. It’s not related to Josh and me,” she clarified. 

“Shoot,” Barbara replied, taking a sip of her tea.

“Well, you’ve probably heard how they caught the Strangler?” Barbara nodded so she continued. “Because of my memory, I know I can’t testify during the criminal phase of his trial but I was wondering what you thought about me testifying during the penalty phase? I haven’t mentioned it to the U.S. Attorney yet. I wanted to run the idea by you first.”

Barbara looked at her for a minute. “I think it’s very admirable and, I imagine, very therapeutic for you. Since you’re bringing it up, I assume you feel very strongly about doing it?”

Donna nodded. “Even though I don’t remember the attack, I definitely remember what happened after. I want to speak for his victims. I know what they went through, or what they would’ve gone through if they’d survived.”

“Even if it means he gets the death penalty?” Barbara asked, quietly wanting to make sure that Donna was taking the potential consequences of her actions into account.

“Yes,” Donna said with conviction. “He needs to either be locked away forever or he needs to suffer the same ultimate fate as his victims.” She let out a breath. “And I intend to do everything I can to accomplish that.”

**********

Later that afternoon, just as the sun was setting, Josh rode up in the elevator, a large plastic tub gripped securely in his hands. He’d didn’t trust himself to carry it up the stairs without taking a header. It wasn’t that heavy but it was bulky enough to make walking a little awkward even on a flat, level surface. Trying to navigate the stairs with it would just be asking for trouble.

He hoped that Donna liked his surprise. He’d had to go all the way to the storage facility in Alexandria to get the tub. Actually his trip had served a dual purpose. It helped him finalize a couple of details for his moving into Donna’s apartment and Christmas. He’d talked Sam, Toby and CJ into coming over tomorrow to help him and Donna pack up the things he was bringing over to Donna’s. A moving company would be coming on Wednesday to pack up the rest of the things and put them in storage with her things in Alexandria. 

Arriving at the second floor, the elevator dinged and the doors slid open. Josh walked to the door and saw that the alarm system was on. Since Donna usually turned it on, even when she was home, he didn’t know if Donna was there or not. Rather than ringing the bell, he put down the tub and pulled out his keys. He knew that her sessions with Barbara often left Donna feeling tired and drained and if she was taking a nap he didn’t want to make her get up and answer the door. After unsetting the alarm, he unlocked the door and quietly stepped inside. Harley, who was laying on his pillow in the living room, had his head raised to see who had arrived. When he saw it was Josh, he wagged his tail but didn’t get up. With the sun setting, the room was cast in half shadows but the Christmas tree lights were switched on, coating the room in a warm, flickering glow. No other lights were on in the room and the apartment was quiet, so Josh assumed Donna was indeed asleep. He put his fingers to his lips to signal Harley to stay quiet. Harley seemed to understand and he laid his head back down on the pillow.

Picking up the tub from the hall, Josh carried it over and put it down next to the Christmas tree. It was then he saw Donna lying on the couch, apparently sound asleep. After setting his backpack down next to the tub, he moved quietly back to the front door, which he closed and relocked, then he reset the alarm. Pulling off his coat and hanging it on the rack, he moved back over to the couch. Donna was still sleeping peacefully, one hand rested on her stomach while the other one lay on the pillow next to her cheek. Sitting down carefully on the coffee table, he watched her sleep. The light from the tree washed over her still, sleeping form, touching her natural beauty with color and gentle motion. Although he’d planned not to wake her, he couldn’t help but steal a kiss from her. Leaning in, he pressed a gentle kiss to her lips.

Like a flower leaning toward the sun, Josh’s kiss nudged Donna up through the layers of sleep. She’d come home from her session and had laid down on the couch to try the visualization technique that Barbara had mentioned. But she’d been so exhausted from her session, she’d fallen asleep before she’d gotten very far. As a matter of fact, she’d dropped off at about the point they were now. With the kissing. She had to admit, the visualization part of the kissing paled in comparison to the real thing. As the kiss finished and she felt him pull back, she opened her eyes.

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty,” Josh said with a smile.

“Does that mean I have to call you Prince Charming?” Donna asked with a sleepy smirk.

“Well, you can if you want but you’d be stating the obvious,” he said with an answering smirk as he moved to perch on the edge of the couch next to her hip.

Donna yawned widely and stretched. “That’s true,” she said with a smile as she settled deeper into the couch. “So how did things go today?”

“Good. The President is going to the European Summit after the first of the year and so we were going over the agenda. He asked about you by the way,” Josh said.

“The President?”

“No, Donna, the janitor. Yes, of course, the President. He wanted to know how you were doing.”

“Oh, that was nice. Give him my best when you see him next.”

“I will. By the way, I set up our meeting with Mike for 2 pm Monday at his office. I called Sam and cleared the time with him too.”

“Okay, great. Do you want me to meet you at Mike’s office or come by the White House first?”

“Why don’t you come by the White House about 1? I had Mrs. Willis clear my schedule for Monday afternoon. You can leave Harley at the kennel and you’ll have a chance to give the President those best wishes in person. He’s been asking me to get you over there anyway. I think he wants to see for himself that you’re doing better. You know how he is.”

Donna smiled, “Yeah. Say, speaking of Mrs. Willis, how is she doing?” she asked, referring to Josh’s new assistant. 

Given Josh’s propensity for going through assistants like Kleenex, personnel had asked for Donna’s help in selecting her replacement. Because of her recommendation, they’d hired Mrs. Jean Willis. Mrs. Willis, who was a widow in her mid 60’s with three grown children, reminded Donna a great deal of a cross between Mrs. Landingham and Josh’s own mother. In addition to working in DC most of her adult life, she’d served as Senator Howard Stackhouse’s Senior Assistant during his entire time in office, so she was well equipped to deal with cranky, arrogant and obstinate politicians. She was also loyal to a fault. The only reason she’d agreed to leave Senator Stackhouse to come and work for Josh was the fact that Stackhouse was in the final months of his term and because of health reasons he’d decided not to run for another. 

“Keeping me in line,” Josh replied. But he was smiling so Donna knew they were getting along all right. “Actually, I like her a lot. She and my mom have already become fast friends.”

“I know,” Donna said with a grin. “I talked to your mom this morning.”

“Then why did you ask me?” he asked with a laugh.

“Because I wanted to hear what YOU thought of her,” Donna replied. She glanced over his shoulder at the clock. “Hey, you’re home a little early, even for a Saturday.”

Josh smiled. “Well, I sort of ducked out a little early because I had an errand to run and I knew you’d be waiting for me.....” He paused and it was full of unspoken meaning. “You know, to decorate the tree and everything.”

Donna watched him for a moment, her heart beating heavily in her chest. She laid her hand on his cheek. “Yeah, I was waiting for you,” she said softly.

Placing a kiss in her palm he took her hand in his. “How was your session with Barbara?”

“Good,” she said with a smile. “She thinks that testifying at the trial could be therapeutic for me.”

“Was that all you talked about?” He didn’t usually ask her much about her sessions. He knew how intensely personal they could be and he figured she would tell him what she wanted him to know when she was ready. But for some reason, he was a little curious about what they talked about today.

“I told her we were going to move in together. She thought that was great too.” She paused. “I also talked to her about the whole ‘not being ready thing’ and she gave me some suggestions on what I can do to start getting ready.”

He brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “Anything you want to share?”

She looked up at him for a moment. “Not yet,” she said quietly. She gave his hand a squeeze, “I will. Just not now.”

“But everything’s okay?” he asked.

“Yes. I swear it’s fine,” she told him. “I just need a little more time to think about it.”

“Ah-kay. When you’re ready to talk about it I’m ready to listen,” he said with a smile. “Oh, hey, I brought you two surprises.”

Her face lit up with excitement. “Really? I got something for you today too.”

“You did?”

She grinned and nodded. “It’s on the kitchen table.”

“Can I open it now?” he asked, like a kid on Christmas.

“If I can open mine now.”

“Deal,” she replied with a grin. 

Josh got up and went over to where he’d left his bag. “The first thing I brought you isn’t really a present so much. I went out to the storage facility where we have the remainder of your things I dug out your box of Christmas decorations.” 

“You did?” she asked as she sat up on the couch. She was incredibly touched by the trouble he’d gone to. 

“Yep. See?” He picked up the plastic tub and carried it over the to coffee table. Putting it down in front of her he pulled the lid off.

Donna looked over the collection of ornaments and decorations. Tears welled in her eyes as she looked up at him. “Thank you, Josh.”

“Yeah, well, I figured you would need something more than just the small box of ornaments you bought last night to decorate the tree.” He paused. “Oh, but the second thing I brought you is something to open.” He went back over and picked up his bag. Unzipping it, he pulled out a small wrapped box and dropped the bag back on the floor. “Here,” he said, handing it to her.

Donna looked at the beautiful gold wrapping and then up at Josh. “Go get yours. We’ll open them together.”

“Kay,” he grinned. Going over to the table he picked up the box. It was brightly wrapped in blue and silver Hanukkah paper. “Hey, this is heavy,” he commented with a frown, wondering what on earth she’d gotten for him. “You know it’s not Hanukkah yet,” he said, referring to the wrapping paper.

“Yeah, I know. It’s kind of a pre-Hanukkah present.”

He carried the box over and sat down next to her on the couch. “Well, that’s good, because yours is kind of a pre-Christmas present. Open yours first,” he told her.

“Kay.” She turned on the lamp so she could see. Sliding the wide gold ribbon off the box, she ran her fingernail through the seam and under the tape holding the wrapping together. It fell open and she set the paper aside. Then she slid her nail through the tape holding the lid of the box in place and pulled open the top. Reaching in, she carefully pulled out the contents. “Oh, Josh,” she said. It was a colorful glass Christmas ornament in the shape of a little house. On the back it had the year and had been personalized to read: ‘Our First Christmas - Donnatella and Joshua.’

“Well, like I said, I thought you’d need all the ornaments you could get,” Josh told her softly.

“Thank you,” she said leaning over to give him a kiss and a hug. “I love it.”

He hugged her back. “I’m glad.”

Donna leaned back and grinned at him slightly. “So how much did you have to pay Sam to help you get it?”

“What? I didn’t.....okay 20 bucks,” he said with a sigh and a sheepish grin. “But it was my idea. I just needed Sam’s help with the execution. How’d you know?”

She smiled at him. “Because I can tell from the markings that you got it from a Hallmark store and I would have been willing to bet that you didn’t even know WHAT a Hallmark store was much less WHERE to find one.”

“Well, I do now. And, just so you know, Sam I have swore each other to secrecy. If Toby every finds out, he’d never let us hear the end of it.” 

“Don’t worry, it will be our little Christmas secret.” She leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. “Now open your present.”

“Kay.” Josh was much less delicate about removing the paper. He simply ripped it off until he had revealed the white box underneath. Pulling open he lid, he shoved aside the tissue paper and looked inside. He wanted to say, ‘Oh, Donna,’ but he couldn’t seem to make his vocal cords work. Reaching into the box he pulled out the heavy, sterling silver menorah. On the base was a simple inscription. Like Donna’s ornament, the year was stamped on it. Below the year, written in Hebrew, were their first names.

“I thought you could put it on the window ledge by the tree. There’s a box of candles in there too so we’ll be ready when Hanukkah starts next week.” She paused and waited for him to say something. When he didn’t and only continued to stare at the menorah, she got a little worried. “Josh? Don’t you like it?”

Josh swallowed the lump in his throat. “It’s beautiful....it’s perfect,” he finally managed. Pushing aside the box but still holding the menorah in his hand, he gathered her into a tight hug. “Thank you.”

Donna smiled and hugged him back, “You’re welcome.” Then she released him and stood up. “Come on,” she said holding out her hand. “Let’s go put them where they belong.”

Josh nodded and took her hand. Standing up, he let her lead him around the coffee table. While she hung her ornament high up on the tree so everyone could see it, Josh put the menorah on the narrow window ledge just to the left of the tree. Then Josh pulled her into a loose embrace as they stood back and took in the scene.

“They look good together,” Donna said. “Don’t you think?”

He looked down at her. “Like I said. They look perfect.”

Donna smiled up him. “Hey, I have an idea. Since I fell asleep and didn’t have time to make anything for dinner, how about I call Wong’s Imperial Palace for some food and then afterward we can string popcorn and I’ll finish decorating the tree?”

“Hmmm. Sounds great, as long as you don’t give me a hard time if I eat a handful of popcorn now and then while we’re stringing.”

“Well, I popped it yesterday so it might be a little on the stale side but if you don’t mind that then knock yourself out.”

Josh grinned. “Or you know, I could just stick a new bag in the microwave.”

**********

Monday afternoon, Josh and Donna climbed the outside steps to the front doors of the J. Edgar Hoover Building where Mike had his office. The weather was clear and cold but they hadn’t any more snow since the night that Josh had bought Donna the Christmas tree so the ground was clean and dry. 

“Is it just me or had they added more decorations to the White House than they had when I met with Danny?” Donna asked him as they walked inside and over to the bank of elevators that would take them up to Mike’s fourth floor office.

“Yeah, they’ve been throwing tinsel and garland over everything that will stand still long enough,” Josh told her as they waited for the elevator. “Mrs. Willis even tried to decorate my office. But I played my ‘Because I’m the boss and I say so’ card and she backed off.”

The elevator arrived and they stepped inside. They were the only ones in the car as the doors closed. “So in other words, you pulled out your wallet and bribed her not to put up anything in your office.”

Josh stared at her with his mouth hanging open slightly. “You see, there you go again with the mind reading. How on earth did you know that?”

“Josh, I hate to tell you this but the ‘Because I’m the boss and I say so’ card didn’t even work on me during the campaign. It’s not going to work on someone like Mrs. Willis whose had to work with Senator Stackhouse for eight years. So, of course, you had to find another way.”

He smirked. “So in other words,” he said, mocking her earlier words. “You talked to Mrs. Willis while you were waiting for me to come back from my meeting with Leo.”

Donna smirked as she watched the numbers on the elevators display tick by, “A good magician, or mind reader, never reveals her secrets.”

“Some people could call that cheating you know.”

She gave him a sideways glance, “I like to think of it as doing my homework.”

He smiled back at her, knowing that she’d won that round. The elevator reached the fourth floor, the doors opened and they stepped out. Walking over to the receptionist, they checked in and were told to have a seat because Mike was finishing up a call.

They settled themselves into two comfortable chairs outside of Mike’s office. The area was a warren of cubicles and offices like the White House and yet that was where the similarity ended. The noise and activity level at the White House was always high and bordered on frantic. While here at the FBI, at least on the fourth floor, everyone was busy and moving with a purpose, they managed to do it with a minimum of nose and a complete lack of frenetic energy. In a way, the lower noise level was comforting but Donna thought if she had to pick between the two she’d pick the high energy of the White House. She felt Josh take her hand, snapping her out of her reverie.

“You doing okay?” he asked her.

“Yeah, I guess I am a little nervous,” she admitted.

“It’s just Mike.”

“I know, I’m not nervous about talking to Mike. I’m nervous about talking to Mike about the Strangler,” she replied.

Well, he could hardly fault her for that. He was a little nervous to hear what Mike had to say himself. “Yeah.”

Just then, the door to Mike’s office door opened and Mike emerged. “Hi guys,” he said, coming out to greet them.

“Hey, Mike,” Josh and Donna both greeted him.

“I’m sorry I kept you waiting. Come on in,” he told them. Josh kept his hand on Donna’s back as they walked into the office and Mike shut the door behind them. “Have a seat,” Mike said, motioning them to the two visitor’s chairs in front of his desk. “Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee? Tea?”

Josh glanced at Donna. “No. I’m fine,” she answered.

“No, we’re good,” Josh said.

“Okay, well, I’m going to get right to the point.” He picked up a file from a small pile on his desk and opened it. “I wanted you to come by today so I could talk to you about a few things. Things that are going to come out in open court and therefore that will also be in the press.” He looked at both of them for a moment, “I wanted you to be prepared for them.”

“Things are all right with the case, aren’t they?” Donna asked, trying to control her beating heart. She took Josh’s hand to help calm her. “He’s not going to get off or anything is he? I mean....I saw in the paper that the judge denied him bail.” 

“No, Donna, it’s nothing like that. Richard Weaver is never going to see the light of day as a free man again. This is not the OJ Simpson trial. He’s bagged and tagged and there is so much physical evidence against this guy there’s no way he’s getting out of it. What I called you here for was to give you a heads up on some of the details of the case, especially those that are a little shocking and strange.”

“Oh, okay,” Donna said, not sure if she should relax or not.

“I’m going to start from the beginning so I may tell you some things you already know from the news or from other sources but I want to be sure we’re on the same page with everything, okay?” He waited until they both nodded. “Good. Now, Weaver has been ruled fit to stand trial although he and his attorney have already entered a plea of not guilty by reason of insanity. Because three of the victims, including Donna, were Federal employees, because the crimes happened within the District which doesn’t have a death penalty of it’s own, and because the charges qualify for the Federal Death Penalty under Title 18, the case will be prosecuted in Federal court by the Assistant US Attorney, Thomas Penfield. As I said, with the mountain of physical evidence we have there’s very little doubt that we’ll get a conviction and he intends to seek the death penalty.”

Josh and Donna looked at each other. Everything he’d told them so far was not news.

Mike paused for a moment in case they wanted to say something. When they didn’t, he continued. “Now for some things you probably don’t know.” He looked at Josh. “Josh, Assistant US Attorney Penfield has cleared me to tell you that because you actually interacted with Weaver over the phone, he intends to call you as a witness during the criminal phase of the trial.” 

“But I don’t know any more than what I told you during my statement,” Josh argued.

“I’m sorry, Josh. He’s pulling out all the stops on this case. Anyone and everyone that had contact with the Weaver is going to be called.” He looked at Donna. “Except you, Donna. Your lack of memory would make you ineffective as a witness during the criminal phase of the trial. However...” He paused, not sure how his next statement would be received. “Penfield asked me to tell you that he wants to call you to testify during the penalty phase.” He waited to see how the two of them to respond.

Donna looked at Josh and then back at Mike. “I’ve already talked to Josh and my therapist about testifying during the penalty phase and if it would help, I’m willing.”

Mike smiled. “Good.” Then he sighed. “Now, what I’m about tell you and is to remain confidential. Before I can go any farther I need you to each sign these confidentiality agreements that you won’t repeat the information we’re about discuss to anyone.” He took out a form for each of them to sign and waited until they’d read them, signed them and handed them back, before he continued. Placing them in the file on his desk, Mike folded his hands on his desk and began.

“Although Weaver has been fairly uncooperative when we’ve tried to interview him we’ve learned a lot about him. Weaver was working as a cashier at two different grocery stores. One in Adams Morgan and one in Foggy Bottom. That was one of the things we used to find his identity. Each of the victims, including you Donna, used the stores he worked at. Before he asked for a lawyer, we did get him to tell us that he targeted his victims when he saw them come through his line at the markets. He has a photographic memory and he could look at the addresses on their personal checks once and have the information in his head. Then he would watch their homes and learn their habits.”

Donna nodded. “I never even considered that. I used to write checks at the grocery store all the time.”

Mike nodded. Then he looked at both of them, his eyes serious. “Now here’s where things get weird. We haven’t been able to get him to tell us anything about his motive. But as I think you’ve probably heard in the news he had a sister, one that was physically similar in appearance to all the victims, that went missing about a year before Donna’s assault.” He paused. “We now think that he raped and strangled his sister in a rage when she told him she was going to get married.”

Donna was speechless but Josh voiced the question spinning through her head. “How did you come to that conclusion?”

“We spoke to her boyfriend and he told us that he suspected her brother had something to do with her disappearance. Apparently, she had told the boyfriend that she was afraid of what her brother would do when he found out she had another man in her life. So afraid, she’d lied to Weaver about even having a boyfriend. When we searched the small home Weaver had shared with her before her disappearance, we found her body.” 

Mike took a breath. “He’d converted a small walk-in closet into a tomb for her. The room was a shrine of pictures of her. She was in a glass coffin and he kept the room near freezing, which is why we think he always turned down the temperature at the crime scenes. Because of the low temperature in the room, his sister’s body was very well preserved. We also found a journal she kept almost until the day she died. It recorded their abusive childhood in Philadelphia and Weaver’s long battle with mental illness and a violent temper and his sister’s efforts to take care of him and keep him in control of himself. She felt she’d owed it to him since their mother had been so horribly abusive. Apparently, the mother was a part-time prostitute and she seemed to take special delight in abusing Weaver. That included sexual abuse. His sister even became a nurse so she would have access to medication he could take to control his mental illness. Her last entry voiced her concerns about having to tell Weaver that she and her boyfriend were getting married. We estimate she died within a week of that entry. We also think that the one year anniversary of her death is what started him on his murder spree.”

He paused again and waited for Josh or Donna to say something. But they merely sat there in a stunned silence. “Penfield is planning to tack on additional charges for the sister’s murder.” He sighed and sat back in his chair. “Well, that’s what I wanted to tell you. I think you can see why I wanted to tell you now and not wait for you to find out in open court.”

“Yeah,” Josh said with a nod.

“You guys have any questions?”

Josh looked at Donna, who was quiet but seemed to be holding it together. The only thing that worried him was the death grip she had on his hand. “Donna? You have any questions?”

It took Donna a moment to break through the shock of what she’d just heard. “No, I don’t think so.”

“You ready to go?” Josh asked her. She nodded and he pulled her gently to her feet. “We’re going to go, Mike.” He said, shaking Mike’s hand. “Thanks for giving us the information.”

“Thanks for coming by.”

“Okay,” Josh replied. Numbly, he led Donna out the door and back to the elevator. The second they were alone in the elevator he pulled her into his arms. Her arms were like steel bands around him but he didn’t think she was crying. “I’m sorry you had to hear that,” he whispered into her hair. “You’ve already been through so much ugliness.”

“No, Mike was right. It’s better to hear it now. It was just shocking,” she whispered roughly. “Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you have to go back to work today?” she asked.

“No, why? What do you want to do?”

She pulled back and looked at him. Her eyes were dry but a little dazed. “I want to pick up Harley. I want to go home and take a hot shower. I want to lay on the couch with you for a while and look at the Christmas lights. Then I want to put on some music and dance with you like we did that night at the farm.” 

He laid his hand gently on her cheek, “Then that’s what we’ll do.”

“I love you,” she said hugging him again. The feeling of his arms around her was already helping to settle her.

He rested his cheek against her temple. “I love you, too.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 40 - MATURE

Josh and Donna spent the first night of Hanukkah at the official lighting of National Menorah. The tradition, which involved a 35-foot-high menorah - the tallest that Jewish law would allow, had started in 1979 and was always held on the South Lawn of the White House. Afterward, Donna had taken him out to dinner and then they’d come home and lit the first candle on the menorah they had at home.

But tonight, they were staying at home, just the two of them. Donna had managed to wrangle the recipe for latkes out of Josh’s mom and as soon as they finished lighting the candles, she was going to start cooking. Tonight the latkes would be their main course, but for the remaining nights, if Donna didn’t completely botch cooking them that is, they’d have them as a side dish. Josh didn’t know what she had planned for dinner and he also didn’t know that she’d abandoned the only “one Hanukkah present” rule they’d had when they’d been working together.

Donna sat on the couch and watched as Josh used the shamash or ‘servant’ candle to light the candle for the second night of Hanukkah. She’d switched off the Christmas tree lights so there would be nothing to diminish the glow from the candles. Even with no other light sources, the three small candles were not quite strong enough to do more than cast a very faint light over the living room. After Josh put the shamash candle back in its place, he turned and joined Donna on the couch. “Well, here’s where we see if I can improve over last night,” he said as he took her hand. 

Last night, when they’d gotten back from the lighting ceremony Josh had to actually read the blessing from the piece of paper he’d written it on. But he’d practiced it this morning so he could hopefully do it without the paper tonight. Slowly, in halting, but clear Hebrew, he managed to get through it without getting out the paper. When he was finished, he turned to looked at her, “Well, I’m sure Toby would have something to mock about my delivery but...”

Donna gently laid her finger over her lips to stop him. “As you once pointed out to me, Toby doesn’t live here.” She leaned in and removed her finger. “You did great.” Replacing her finger with her lips, she kissed him softly. “Now, hold that thought,” she said with a grin. “I’ll be right back.” Climbing off the couch, she disappeared into the bedroom. Knowing her way through the apartment, even in the dark, she went to the dresser where she’d hidden the package and brought it back out to him. “Happy Hanukkah,” she said setting the shirt sized box in his lap.

Josh frowned slightly. “What’s this?”

Donna smirked, “One could correctly surmise that my Happy Hanukkah wishes would indicate it was a present for you for the second night of Hanukkah.”

His frowned remained. “But you already got me a Hanukkah gift, and, by the way, if I haven’t said it in the last five minutes, thank you again,” he said, looking over his shoulder at his gift from last night. The shiny, black Rawlings baseball bat sat up on one of the living room bookshelves. Mets player Mike Piazza’s original autograph, written in broad silver pen, caught even the low light from the candles, causing it to really stand out against the dark wood.

“You’re welcome, again,” she replied, with a grin. “Now open your present.”

“Well, that’s what I was getting at. You already got me my one Hanukkah present and we agreed you wouldn’t get me any more.”

“No,” she replied simply.

“No? Donna, when the President got elected you and I agreed that you would only get me one Hanukkah present.” 

“Yes,” she replied.

“Yes?” He hadn’t been expecting that. “Umm...Donna....what?”

She loved when she got him all befuddled. “Yes, when the President got elected and I was going to be working for you in the White House, I agreed that I would only get you one present for Hanukkah and it would be under $10.”

“Which, and believe me when I say I’m glad because I love the bat, was another rule you broke when you bought it for me, since I assume it was more than $10.

“No.”

“No? You mean it wasn’t more than $10?” He managed to frown and smirk at the same time. “Donna? You didn’t forge Mike Piazza’s signature, did you?”

She shot him a look that told him he was treading on thin ice, “I’m going to forget you said that.” Donna sighed. “You know, Josh, you’re taking all the fun out of this.”

He caught just the trace of hurt in her voice and he felt terrible that he’d been the one to put it there. “Hey,” he said, quietly. “I’m sorry. I really do love the bat and I’m sure that I’ll love whatever is in this box.”

She looked at him for a moment. “Well, I was talking in riddles just to tease you and I probably shouldn’t have.” Resting her elbow on the back on the couch, she rested her head against her hand. “What I was trying to say is that yes, we did make that agreement when I worked for you but I don’t work for you anymore, so it no longer applies.”

That had honestly not occurred to him. Their ‘agreement’ had been such a part of their Hanukkah/Christmas traditions he just hadn’t expected anything else. “Oh,” he said, breaking into a smile. “Well, you do have a point there.” His smile widened into a grin. “So that would mean more Hanukkah presents for me?”

“Well, not if you ask anymore ‘did you forge the signature on the thing you gave me’ questions. And for the record, no, I did not forge his signature on the bat. I bought it from an online, reputable, memorabilia store through eBay. Now,” she said, breaking into a smile of her own. “Are you going to open your present or not?”

“Ah-kay,” he said. Quickly ripping off the paper, he pulled the lid off and folded back the tissue paper. Inside was a layer of coin-shaped, gold foil covered chocolates, called gelt and under them was a maroon sweatshirt. Something in white lettering was stitched on the front but he couldn’t quite make out the words in the low light. Setting the box aside, Josh rose and walked over to the window where the light from the menorah was brighter. Reading the words, he frowned and turned back to Donna. “The University of New Hampshire?” he said with a smile, even though he didn’t quite understand the rationale behind the gift. “Why the University of New Hampshire? The President didn’t even go there.” 

Donna looked at him from the couch, her face just visible in the flickering light from the candles. “Well, I wanted something that would be a reminder of our time at the farm in Manchester,” she said quietly. Then she broke into a grin. “Plus I thought you could wear it next time you get in trouble with the President.”

“Always looking out for me, aren’t you?” he said with a grin and slid it over his head. It was a perfect fit. He softened his voice to let her know he also liked the idea of a memento of their time in New Hampshire. “I love it.”

“Good.” Donna said as she got up from the couch and walked over to him. Working his tie free, she gently slid it off. Then she reached up and unbuttoned the top button of his dress shirt.

“What are you doing?” he asked with a bemused smirk. He loved the feeling of her hands on him.

She looked up at him, her eyes huge in the near darkness. “Just making you more comfortable.” 

“Kay,” he replied, still smirking.

Pulling the shirt collar out from under the edge of the sweatshirt collar, she smoothed it back into place. The scent of him came wafting up through his clothes and she couldn’t resist pressing a kiss to the newly exposed spot at the base of this throat. “How’s that?” she said with a smile.

He looked at her in the flickering light from the menorah candles. Her smile was so luminous it shown with it’s own light and her eyes had that look that he knew she saved only for him. “Beautiful.”

Donna recognized the look in his eye and she smirked at him, “I was talking about the sweatshirt.”

“I wasn’t,” he replied gently tracing the curve of her cheek with his finger. His mouth followed his finger as he laid soft kisses along her cheek and down to her mouth, which he devoured with a tender hunger.

When they parted a moment later, Donna had to take a steadying breath before she could speak. “I’ve got one more surprise for you.”

He smirked at her. “I don’t know if either of us can take any more surprises tonight.”

“Even if it involves your mom’s latkes?”

His smirk turned into a look of avid curiosity. “Really?”

Donna grinned. “Since she likes me, and you know, I’m her best shot at grandchildren, she gave me her recipe. I’m willing to cook them if you’re willing to try and eat them.”

He grinned with her. “I think that can be arranged.”

**********

Josh fiddled with the pen in his hand and tried to concentrate on the report he was supposed to be reading. It was late and he’d read the same page 4 times in the last twenty minutes and he still didn’t know what it said. Up until thirty minutes ago, the day had gone well and, outside of the fact that he knew he was going to be stuck at work late for the fourth night of Hanukkah, he’d gotten a lot accomplished. But thirty minutes ago, he’d gotten a call from the Assistant US Attorney’s office to officially request that he testify at Richard Weaver’s trial. He managed to tell them that he would testify and they’d told him he’d be contacted to set up an interview to go over his testimony. But he’d hung up feeling a sense of dread he didn’t quite understand and ever since the call, he hadn’t been able to refocus on anything else. The thought of testifying at Weaver’s trial, of having to relive that phone call, kept running through his mind. Between Donna being so brutally traumatized and having to listen to the twisted horrible things that Weaver had said on the phone, that day had been was one of the darkest in Josh’s life.

‘Moon River’ began to flow out of his stereo and he smiled. It conjured the image of him and Donna dancing at the farm and, more recently, in her apartment after they’d met with Mike Casper. The image lingered in his head, managing to lessen his earlier gloom, at least temporarily.

“Josh?”

Josh looked up to see Sam standing in the doorway of his office. “Hey, Sam? What are you doing here?”

Sam took a couple of steps forward into the room, “I came by to give Toby some help with the speech he’s writing for the President’s Christmas address. We just got done and I thought I’d stop by and say ‘hi.’”

Josh felt his earlier dread trying to descend again and he needed to do something to shake it loose. “Well, it’s always good to see you. Here, have some gelt,” he said holding up a glass bowl full of the chocolate coins. “Donna’s been giving me lots of it with my Hanukkah presents.” Sam reached into the bowl and took out a few. “So did you let my girlfriend go home or is she still chained to her desk slaving away for you?” Josh asked, trying to grin.

Sam smiled and plopped down in one of Josh’s visitor’s chairs. “Nope, I let her go home early this afternoon.” He unwrapped the first chocolate and popped it into his mouth.

Josh frowned. “Really? She didn’t tell me she was planning on getting off early.” Although he knew she understood, he felt a little guilty that he was working so late when she was at home.

Sam grinned. While on the professional front he had no problems with it, on the personal front, Sam had never been able to keep a secret to save his life. Besides, Donna hadn’t expressly told him he couldn’t tell Josh she’d asked to leave early. “Oh, I think she wanted it that way. I do believe she was plotting some kind of surprise for you.”

Now, that did lift his spirits. Donna could definitely bring the surprises. “Really?”

“Yeah, something for Hanukkah, I think.” Just then Sam caught the music coming from Josh’s stereo and he frowned curiously. “What are we listening to? Is that....Moon River? Since when do you like show tunes?”

Josh smiled, his expression softening. “Since I started dancing with Donna.” He leaned back in his chair. “This is my Hanukkah present from last night. Donna burned me a CD with the music we danced to when we were up at the farm.”

Sam stared at Josh for a moment. He was glad to see his friend so happy. The road that he and Donna had gone down had been hard and long but the fact that they were now together made it seem like it may have been worth it. “You know if I haven’t already said it, thanks for letting Donna come work for me,” Sam said quietly. “She’s a whiz. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

Josh looked back at him. “You don’t have to tell me that. If it wasn’t for her, I never would have lasted 7 years in this place. If you look up ‘woman behind the man’ in the dictionary you’ll find her picture. When she first told me that she wanted to leave the White House it really threw me. I was sure that I wouldn’t last an hour without her here and that it would hurt our friendship.” He paused, then he grinned. “But I have to say that while I do miss having her here, what we have now is so much better.”

“I’m glad, man,” Sam told him. “No two people ever deserved to be happy more than you two.”

Hearing Sam talk about him and Donna being happy caused the specter of Josh’s earlier dread at the thought of testifying to resurface. 

Sam noticed Josh’s frown. “Josh? Is something wrong?”

Josh leaned forward and rested his elbows on the desk. He knew Sam would a the perfect one to talk to about the issue. Both on a legal front and because, next to Donna, Sam was his best friend. “About a half hour ago I got a call from the Assistant US Attorney’s office.”

“The one prosecuting Weaver?” Sam filled in the blank.

“Yeah,” Josh replied. “See, Donna and I met with Mike Casper last week where he gave us a lot of the details that are going to come out during the investigation. He also told us that I was going to be asked to testify during the criminal phase because I talked to Weaver on the phone and Donna was going to be asked to testify during the penalty phase.”

Sam leaned back in his chair. “Oh,” he said, letting out a long breath. 

“Yeah, oh,” Josh rested his chin in his hand.

“How did Donna take the news that she’d be testifying.”

Josh chuckled despite the mood he was in, “She’d already planned to do it before they even asked. It’s her way of speaking for all the victims. I think she’s a little nervous about it but on the whole I think she’s looking forward to it. She really wants to make sure that Weaver never walks out of jail again. In fact, she wouldn’t mind if he gets the death penalty for this and I have to say I agree with her.”

There was a silence for a moment and Sam gave him a long look. “Josh, are you worried about your testimony?”

Josh got up and shoved his hands in his pockets. “My testimony, no. Testifying, yes.” He turned to face the window, trying to find the words somewhere out in the night. “I know my testimony can be another nail in Weaver’s coffin but having to talk about what that monster said to me that day....having to remember it....I just....God, Sam, if you’d been here that day.....” His voice trailed off as he continued to stare out the window. Sam remained quiet. Josh’s voice was quiet as he began. “Donna was in the hospital, the bruises all over her, the imprint of his hands around her throat, and her eyes dazed and full of fear and pain.” He turned to look at Sam, his voice beginning to rise in volume, as the hate and the anger and the helplessness of that day came bubbling to the surface. “Then Weaver calls me and tells me how he did it. Tells me how she got each one of the bruises. Tells me HOW he hurt her. How he was happy he’d hurt her. And I can’t hang up because I have the bright idea to get back to the White House so maybe the Secret Service can trace the call!” Then suddenly, like a deflated balloon, Josh leaned back against the window and let out a long breath. The feeling of the cold glass on his back was oddly soothing. “There aren’t really any words for how black that day was,” he finished softly.

“I can only imagine how terrible it was for you,” Sam replied quietly. “Even my own blackest day doesn’t compare to that,” he added almost as an unconscious afterthought.

Josh watched him for a moment. There was something in the way he’d said his ‘own blackest day’ that gave him pause. “Sam, what was your blackest day?”

Sam looked at if he were surprised by the question, then his expression got quietly serious. “The day you and the President were shot,” he said quietly. “But as terrible as it was to watch you not so slowly bleed to death on the sidewalk and waiting to hear if you and the President were going make it, at least I didn’t have to listen to Carl Leroy or his accomplices describe in detail what they’d done and how happy they were they’d done it.”

It took Josh a moment to find his voice. There had been a time or two in the last few months, when he and Donna had talked about what she’d gone through when he’d been shot and the way their friendship had deepened when she’d taken care of him during the three months following the shooting, but he’d never spoken about it to anyone else. Well, except for Stanley and his regular therapist, of course. “Sorry, Sam.” He didn’t know what else to say.

Sam slowly unwrapped the other piece of gelt he had in his hand. “Don’t be sorry. You made it then....and Donna made it now. Hold on to that. Look at your testimony not as exposing your pain but as protecting Donna. You’re standing up there and saying, ‘Look what this piece of shit did to her and look how happy he was about it.’ In this case, Donna can’t speak for herself, but you’ve been given the unique opportunity to be able to speak for her.”

Josh sat back down in his chair. Sam’s words had lifted Josh’s spirits at least marginally. Sam had a distinct point. And no matter how hard it had been for Josh to hear the words Weaver had said that day, Donna had to be the one to wake up in the hospital to the reality of what he’d done to her. This was his chance to be there for her to help her in a way she couldn’t help herself. He sighed softly. His brain knew that. Now if he could just keep his heart from falling into his shoes every time he thought about testifying, he’d be doing okay. “Thanks, Sam. I appreciate the pep talk,” he said with a small smile.

Sam was about to respond when a voice from the office doorway cut him off. “Don’t you guys know that all pep talks are supposed to come from my office?” Toby asked as he stepped into the room.

Sam grinned. “If that was the case, Toby, the staff would have the suicide hotline on speed dial.”

Toby stopped next to Sam’s chair. “What? You don’t think I can give pep talks?”

“Yeah, Toby, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you and the pep talks, not so much,” Sam replied. He looked at Josh and grinned again, “Now I, on the other hand, am apparently the master of pep talks.”

“And you know I live my life everyday in hopes of being more like you, Sam,” Toby replied with a smirk as he took a couple of pieces of gelt out of the bowl.

“Hey, don’t knock it. There are a lot of people who would kill to be more like me,” Sam replied.

“But aren’t they all boys under the age of 10?” Toby tossed back.

“No,” Sam said without missing a beat. “Only about a third of them are under 10.”

Toby was about to dish out another retort when a voice spoke up from behind them. “Well, as I live and breathe. If it isn’t the Three Musketeers...or is that the Three Stooges?” All three men looked up to see Donna standing in the doorway holding a large box. Their mouths began to water at the wonderful smell that was emanating from it.

“Hey, what are you doing here?” Josh asked, breaking into a smile.

“Well, if you don’t want me here, I can take my box and what’s in it and go home,” she said with a smirk.

“Now, I didn’t say I wasn’t glad to see you,” he replied, his smile turning into a dimpled grin.

“That’s better,” she replied.

Josh got up and crossed the room to steal a kiss from her. It made Toby roll his eyes and Sam break into a grin of his own. Then Josh took the box from her hands and carried it over to his desk. There was a lid on it so he still didn’t know what smelled so good.

“I bring Hanukkah greetings to everyone.”

“Is this my Hanukkah surprise?” he asked indicating the box.

Donna sent Sam a death glare, “I can’t believe you told him. And after I told you it was a surprise and everything....”

“Hey, you didn’t tell me not to tell him there was a surprise,” Sam replied. “Of course, I couldn’t tell WHAT the surprise was since you hadn’t told me.”

“Yes, and if this is any indication of your surprise-keeping abilities, I’d say that was a good call on my part,” she shot back.

“You know I let you have a big part of the afternoon off to prepare said surprise so maybe you should cut me a little slack,” Sam replied.

Donna turned to Josh and Toby. “I just want you to know that I hold both of you responsible for teaching him to play the boss card so easily.”

“Yeah, okay. Guilty as charged, now what’s my surprise?” Josh asked her. He’d say just about anything to get her to let him have what she had in the box.

“I don’t know if I want to give it to you now...what with you corrupting Sam and everything.”

“Doonnnaaa!” Josh whined. “The suspense is killing me. What’s my surprise?”

Donna broke into a grin. “Okay, it is the holidays after all. So I forgive you both...this time.” She turned to Josh. “I know you said you were going to be working late, so.....I brought dinner.”

“You brought me dinner?” Josh asked excitedly.

She grinned and nodded, “Yep.”

“What did you make?”

“Latkes and fried chicken.”

“You make latkes?” Toby asked questioningly.

“You made fried chicken!” Josh said excitedly as he started to reach for the box’s lid.

Donna swatted his hand away. “Hey, just a second. There is a procedure to be followed here,” she said, turning to Toby. “Yes, Toby, I made latkes. Don’t sound so surprised. I got the recipe from Josh’s mom.”

“She makes terrific latkes, Toby.” Josh’s mouth was already watering. “You should try some.”

“He can try some if he wants,” Donna put in. “Chicken too. I brought extra. Even Sam can have some if he wants.”

Sam rose from his chair excitedly. “Oh, I definitely want.” The smell had him salivating right along with Josh.

“BUT....” Donna said. “I know that the tradition is that you don’t eat or open presents...”

“I thought my present was dinner. You brought me a regular present too?!” Josh exclaimed, all but jumping up and down with delight.

“Yes,” Donna grinned. “Now, as I was saying I know that all the festivities are not supposed to start until after the candles are lit and the blessing is said. So....” She said, reaching into her large shoulder bag. She pulled out two boxes. The from the larger box she produced the menorah she’d given him and set it up in the window. From the second and much smaller box, she pulled out the small skullcap, called a ‘yarmulke’ in Yiddish or ‘kippah’ in Hebrew, that were worn by Jewish men during prayer, eating, studying or, if the wearer preferred, all the time, as a sign of respect toward God. Josh’s had once belonged to his father and was made of navy blue velvet with delicate gold embroidery along the edge. 

Josh took the yarmulke and tried not to feel self-conscious with Toby in the room as he placed it on his head. Donna handed him a box of candles and he said the blessing as he lit each one, finishing with the one for the fourth night of Hanukkah. Josh was glad he’d had the first three nights to practice saying the blessing, so he didn’t completely embarrass himself in front of Toby. When he was finished lighting the candles, Josh turned back to the three people in his office. Donna and Sam were smiling in approval and Toby, while not smiling, of course, nodded mutely in approval.

Josh took off the yarmulke and handed it back to Donna. She put it back in the box and slid it back into her purse. “Now, the three of you sit down and I’ll get things set up.”

“I’ll help you,” Josh said.

“No, it’s all part of the service,” she replied. Clearing a spot in the middle of Josh’s desk, Donna pulled the lid off the box. The enticing smell of the food increased exponentially as she did. She’d bundled everything into thermal insulted bags so it was still warm. Setting out utensils, paper plates and a mountain of napkins, she put out a platter of fried chicken and a platter of latkes next to them. She’d also brought sour cream and applesauce for the latkes, which she also set out, as well as a large thermos of Starbucks coffee and sytrofoam cups. “Okay, dig in,” she told them, standing back out of the way. The three men descended on the food and filled their plates. Picking up the phone, she dialed CJ.

Seeing the ID for Josh’s phone on her display, CJ spoke without preamble. “Joshua, I swear if you’ve called to harass me at this hour, when I’m in the middle of getting things together for the briefing tomorrow, I swear I’m going to come over there and make you eat your tie.”

“Hey CJ,” Donna said with a grin.

“Donna?” CJ said meekly. “Sorry, I thought your former boss was calling to yank my chain. I know Sam’s here and when the two of them get together you know how much mischief they can get into.”

Donna laughed, “Yes, I know that all too well. I called to say hi and see if you wanted any chicken.”

“Chicken?” CJ said, her voice perking up.

“Yeah, I made fried chicken and latkes for Josh for Hanukkah tonight and brought extra. Sam and Toby are already here and the three of them are chowing down on it so if you want some you might want to hurry over here,” Donna told her. Without, a reply the phone clicked off.

“What’d she say?” Josh asked around a mouthful of chicken.

“She hung up without really answering, but I’m guessing that means.....” They could hear running footsteps pounding through the bullpen and CJ suddenly appeared in Josh’s doorway. “...That she’s on her way,” Donna finished with a grin.

“Did you vultures leave me anything?” CJ said, coming forward as she tried to catch her breath after the quick sprint from her office.

“I made sure they didn’t eat it all, CJ,” Donna assured her as she handed her a plate.

“But if you stand there talking any longer that won’t be the case,” Sam told her as he took another bite. CJ didn’t need to be told twice and she began fill her own plate. Then she snatched a chair out of the bullpen and sat down next to Toby to eat.

“Donna, this chicken is delicious,” Josh told her. Donna beamed back at him, happy that he liked her cooking.

“Good. Although I’ve made fried chicken before, this recipe is also compliments of your mother,” she told him. “How do you like the latkes, Toby?”

He was just putting what looked to be half of one in his mouth when she asked. Sour cream lightly dotted his beard. He had to chew for a minute before he could answer. “Delicious. Some of the best I’ve ever had,” he finally answered around the remaining mouthful.

“Wow, Donna, this is fantastic. I knew from Thanksgiving that you could cook but this is really great,” CJ replied.

Donna glowed under the compliments and she managed to snag a drumstick of her own. Josh patted the padded arm of his chair and she sat down on it. The room got quiet as everyone ate happily. Before long there wasn’t a crumb of fried chicken left and Sam and Toby got into a near fistfight over the last latke. Finally, to settle the issue Donna had them pick a number between 1 and 10. Sam won and Toby groused. But to make him feel better, Donna promised to make more latkes for Christmas dinner. Then she pulled a square, sapphire blue plastic box that was tied with a thin silver ribbon, out of the bottom of the food box and handed it to him. “Happy Hanukkah, Toby,” she told him.

Toby was a little taken aback by the gesture. “Thank you, Donna,” he said, reaching out to take the box from her. The box was clear but there was some kind of paper inside that obscured the contents. Removing the ribbon on the box, he pulled open the lid and pushed aside the silver tissue paper to look inside. Little brown, one-inch balls filled the inside of the box. The smell of alcohol, Jack Daniels if he wasn’t mistaken, floated up to his nose. Curiously he looked up at her. “What is it?” he asked.

She grinned. “Well, given your fondness for pie, I know you like the occasional sweet and I also know how much you like Jack Daniels. So I took the recipe for bourbon balls and used Jack Daniels, to make, well, Jack Daniels Whiskey balls. They’re a kind of cookie and but you don’t bake them so the alcohol doesn’t evaporate. And the recipe called for a 1/2 cup of Jack Daniels per batch and there’s one batch in the box. Please keep that in mind when you’re eating them. I don’t want Leo sending the Secret Service after me because I got the White House Communications Director drunk. Oh, and all the ingredients are kosher. Taste one and see what you think.”

Toby looked intrigued but a little dubious. Four sets of eyes watched to see if he was going to try one. “Okay,” he finally said. Picking one up, he put it gingerly in his mouth. The confection melted in his mouth releasing the taste of the Jack Daniels mixed with pecans, sugar and cocoa. He closed his eyes and sighed. It was about the most amazing thing he’d ever tasted. He sat in a raptured silence until the entire bite was gone. 

Beyond curious now, and with Toby’s eyes closed he thought he’d be safe, Sam carefully reached out to snag one of the confections for himself.

“Touch it and die, Sam,” Toby said without opening his eyes. 

Sam quickly drew his hand back. “How did you...”

Finally he opened his eyes and glared at Sam, “Because you were breathing your ‘I ate the last latke’ breath on me.” Toby looked up at Donna. “You know Donna, if Josh ever pisses you off, you can come and stay in my guest room.”

Donna grinned, “Well, Toby I’ll keep that in mind, but...” She looked down at Josh. “I doubt there’s much chance of that happening.” 

Josh smiled back at her and slid his arm up around her waist. “Do I get some, too?” he said.

“Yours are at home,” she told him. “Leo really would have my head if you messed up your sensitive system while you’re at work.”

Josh smirked at her. There was a time when it would have annoyed him to hear her talk about his sensitive system but now he saw it as her way of looking out for him. “Kay.”

CJ looked up at her hopefully. “So since Toby’s going to be hording boy with his, can we have more of these apparently orgasm-inducing cookies for Christmas dinner?”

Donna smiled, “Sure. I’ll be sure to make more before then.” She paused. “Now, if you are all done with dinner, I’d like a moment alone with Josh.”

The three of them nodded and took their empty plates and other dinner refuse and gave Donna another round of thanks for the feast as they filed out of Josh’s office. Sam was the last one out and, with a gentle smile, he pulled the door shut behind him.

As soon as it was shut, Josh tugged on Donna’s waist and had her sliding off the arm of his chair and into his lap. “Hi,” he said. Then he leaned in for a kiss. His lips brushed hers softly then settled in to stay. Her mouth was soft and pliant under his and he slid his hand to her cheek to pull her closer as he coaxed her mouth open and deepened the kiss. Kissing Donna always involved all his senses. Her body was warm and comfortably nestled in his lap. Her skin was soft under his hand and she smelled of the vanilla-jasmine perfume she always wore. As their tongues tangled, he tasted the chicken she’d just eaten, what he thought was a piece of peppermint candy, and the simple, yet ultimately complex flavor of....Donna. After a moment, they pulled apart.

“Hi yourself,” she said with a slightly breathless smile.

“Have I told you how amazing you are?”

Now she grinned, “Not today.”

“Well, then that was my oversight, because you are quite simply amazing. I can’t believe you threw all this together for me,” he told her.

“I knew you’d be working late and you usually don’t eat right without me on your case. Although I’m not sure all the fried stuff I’ve been feeding you would qualify as ‘eating right.’ Have I mentioned that I’ll be doubling the amount of vegetables you have to eat to make up for all the oil and grease you’ve been eating during Hanukkah?” she finished with a grin.

“After all the terrific food you’ve been making for me I think I can handle a few vegetables.” He noticed she was giving him an odd, but not unpleasant, look. “What?” he asked. To his delight, she blushed. “Okay, now I have to know. What is it?”

She looked up at him, her eyes deeply blue. “I’m sitting on your lap in your office.”

He frowned in confusion. “Yeah, I know that. Like you said, it is my lap you’re sitting on after all.”

She looked a little chagrined. “It’s just that I used to think about sitting in your lap on your office all the time.”

He smirked now. This could get interesting. “You’re kidding? You did?”

She smiled. “Yes. Before the...you know...I used to have all kinds of interesting thoughts about you and me alone in your office.” Although she hadn’t told Josh about the ‘visualizing’ that Barbara was having her try, she liked talking to Josh about this. Instead of making her feel self-conscious, it made her feel oddly normal.

He stared at her. “Was the desk involved? Please tell me the desk was involved.”

She smirked, glad to see that he wasn’t mad or embarrassed. “Oh, yeah. The desk played a major role on a number of occasions.”

“Oh, thank God! And here I thought I was the only one who had thoughts like that. I figured it was just me being the dirty old man or something.”

“I supposed it would if you were old, which you’re not, and you were definitely not the only one having those kind of thoughts.”

“Well, one of these days we may just have to explore those illicit thoughts,” Josh said with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows.

Donna laughed, “Yeah, because Leo would kill me if I let you get drunk on Jack Daniels cookies at work but he wouldn’t mind if we had sex on your desk.”

His smirk didn’t waiver, “I guess we’ll have to do it on my last day here at the White House so he can’t fire me.”

Donna grinned mischievously. “I think that could be arranged.” 

He decided that maybe they’d gone far enough down that road. “Good, now where’s my Hanukkah present?”

She laughed again. “And you say I switch subjects faster than a speeding bullet. But you switch from sex to presents in the wink of an eye and that’s okay?”

“Well, both involve things that I like to get, especially when they come from you,” he said, his tone softening toward the end.

“How do you know?” she asked him with a curious frown. “While you have experience with me and the presents thing, me and the other thing...not so much. Well, actually not at all.”

Josh looked at her a moment. The look in his eyes spoke volumes. “I know, Donna.”

God, when he said things like that it made her inside feel like melted butter. She looked back at him. “You’re sure?” she asked softly.

Again, his look supported his words. “Very sure.”

She almost told him then about the ‘getting ready’ and the visualization, but she just couldn’t quite bring herself to do it. “In that case, your Hanukkah present is down in the bottom of the food box,” she told him.

The box was on the floor beside his chair. Keeping her where she was, he looked down into it. A large shirt sized box wrapped in beautiful silver Hanukkah paper was the last thing left in the box. He grabbed the food box and held it up so she could pull the gift out. Then he set the larger box back on the floor. Donna had put the box in her lap so Josh reached around her and unwrapped it. As with all the gifts she’d given him, the first thing that appeared was a layer of gelt, which made him smile. Digging past the gelt, he found silver tissue paper. Pulling back the tissue he looked to see what was inside. It was a beautiful, soft, navy blue cable knit sweater.

“Oh, very nice. My girlfriend has good taste,” He told her.

“I thought you could wear it for more casual days here at work and you know how much I love you in blue.”

“Yes, I believe you have mentioned that once or twice before,” he said with a smile. “Thank you, Donna.” He leaned in and gave her gentle kiss. Hanukkah this year was shaping up to be the best one he’d ever had.

**********

The sun was just beginning to set as Josh unlocked the door and stepped inside the apartment. “Donna?” he called. “I’m home!” For just a moment the scene reminded him of the opening to the Flintstones, which made him smile a bit. The living together thing seemed to be going really well and he loved coming home to Donna every night. Pulling off his coat and his suit jacket, he dropped his backpack near the door and walked into the living room.

Donna came out of the bedroom dressed in loose fitting jeans, a light weight white sweater, and a towel around her head. “This is an unexpected pleasure. What are you doing home already?” she asked with a smile as she walked over to give him a kiss. “I just got out of the shower. I didn’t expect you home this early. I only got home myself an hour ago.” 

He grinned back at her for a minute. “Well, apparently a little bird told Leo and the President that you and I were doing the Hanukkah thing and since it’s the last night, they thought it was best if they threw me out early.”

She tugged the towel off her head and rubbed at her hair. “I didn’t say anything to them.”

“Actually I think in Leo’s case it was Margaret and in the President’s it was Toby. You know those Jack Daniels cookies you made him really left an impression. I think he’d follow you to the ends of the earth if you promised him you’d make him some when you got there.” 

She grinned, “It always pays to make allies.”

“That’s my motto, except when it comes to Republicans, of course.” He grinned.

She grinned back at him. “Well, let me just comb the tangles out my hair and we can light the candles and I’ll start dinner.”

Josh watched her pull out a comb. “Can I help with that?” he asked.

“Really?” Josh nodded. “Sure,” she said with a smile. “Sit down on the couch,” she told him. After he did, she dropped a pillow on the hardwood floor, turned the TV on to MSNBC, and sat down in front of him, with her back up against the couch and her shoulders between his knees. She draped the towel over her shoulders and over his pants so they didn’t get wet. Then they sat there watching TV as he gently, more gently than she would have guessed, combed out her hair. It was all very domestic and in both their minds there wasn’t anywhere else they’d rather be. 

When he had pulled through the last tangle and the comb ran smoothly through her hair, he patted the wet ends with part of the towel and handed her back the comb. “There you go. All done.”

She turned and looked back at him with a smile. “Thanks. So are you ready to get the Hanukkah hoopla started?”

He looked down at her. “Oh, I don’t know, I was kind of having fun with what I was doing.”

She smiled at him, “So does that mean that I get to return your final Hanukkah present?”

“Now let’s not go crazy,” he said with a smirk. 

“That’s what I thought,” she said with a grin as she got up off the floor. She went into the bedroom to get his yarmulke, his present and to pull her wet hair into a scrunchie. When she came back into the living room Josh had switched off the TV and was already putting the new candle in the menorah for the last night of Hanukkah. 

Putting on the yarmulke, Josh said the blessing and lit the last candle. Donna watched him stand there, looking at the flame from candles for a moment. From the expression on his face he was apparently lost in thought, so she remained quiet. After a moment, he turned, walked over to the couch and sat down beside her. “Donna,” he began, taking her hand. “I just wanted to take a minute and thank you for the past week and all the trouble you’ve gone to for the ‘Hanukkah hoopla’ as you called it. It’s been really great.”

Donna smiled softly and gave his hand a squeeze. “It was no trouble. I enjoyed doing it.” She laid her hand on his cheek. “Seeing your face light up was all the thanks I needed.” He kissed her palm. “Now how about your present?” she said, holding the box up.

“Well, if you’re going to twist my arm....” he said taking it from her. “It’s a tie right?” he guessed, commenting about the small box that looked to be the same size a tie usually came in. He shook it slightly and tried to figure out what it could be. He couldn’t imagine what was left for her to get him. The navy sweater she’d given him for the fourth night of Hanukkah had been followed by 2 identical sets of boxer shorts, one set for him and one set for her to steal from him on the fifth night. A shiny, new long-handled axe and leather work gloves, an homage to his wood cutting days out at the Manchester farm, on the sixth. Then a $25 Starbucks gift card on the seventh. And now the small box he held in his hand for the eighth and final night. Pulling off the wrapper, he removed the lid and saw tissue paper instead of the usual layer of gelt. “What? No gelt?” he asked her.

She grinned. “Keep looking.”

With a puzzled look on his face, he pulled back the tissue. Inside one single piece of gold foil gelt was resting on top of an envelope. He looked up at Donna questioningly but she remained silent. Pulling out the envelope he looked inside. There were 4 tickets. He examined the tickets more closely and grinned. “These are football tickets. Washington Redskins tickets. On the 60 yard line, field level. For their game against the New York Giants on New Years Day.”

She was still grinning. “Yes, Joshua, I know. I was the one that bought them. The single piece of gelt represents the coin toss they do at the beginning of the game,” she explained. While it was true, Josh loved baseball the most, football was definitely a close second. Before she knew what was happening, Donna was enveloped in a bear hug. “Can I take that to mean you like the tickets?” she asked in a slightly strained voice as he was cutting off most of her oxygen with the hug.

He finally released her. “I love it. I can’t believe you got me football tickets.”

“Well, I thought it was something you could do with Sam and Toby for New Years. I got four tickets so you’ll need to find someone else to go along but I figured between Leo, CJ and Matt Skinner, you might be able to work that out.”

“What about you?”

She frowned, “What do you mean, ‘what about me?’”

“Don’t you want to go?” Josh knew Donna liked football about as much as he did.

“Sure, I’d like to go, you know I like football. But you don’t have to take me if you don’t want to. I thought maybe you’d like to take Leo and Matt and make it guys day or something.” She paused and looked at him for a minute. “Except for work, we’ve been pretty much attached at the hip for the last few weeks,” she said gently. “I didn’t want you to think you HAD to take me and I thought it would give you a chance to have some time to yourself if you wanted it.” Just as she finished speaking, she once again, found herself smothered in a bear hug.

“Good to know,” Josh said against her neck. “It’s settled then. Sam, Toby, me and you’ll be going to the game on New Year’s Day.”

Donna grinned against his neck. “Okay, okay, but I won’t be going anywhere if you don’t loosen your hug enough for me to, you know, get some oxygen.”

He laughed at that and released her enough so he still had his arms around her but she could breathe and he could see her face. “Sorry. I lost my head for a minute. It’s not many guys that have girlfriends they can take to an NFL game and have them actually know as much...”

“Or more...” she added.

“Or more....” he agreed, with a laugh. “About the game.” Donna and her freakish ability to retain trivial facts often gave her the upper hand when it came to sports facts and rules.

“So I guess that makes you pretty lucky then, doesn’t it?”

“This is what I’m saying,” he replied with a smile. Slowly, his expression turned soft. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be than attached at your hip. Everyday with you, Donna, is an adventure worth waking up for.” He was quiet for a moment. “And speaking of adventures. Just you wait until Christmas. Whereupon I will proceed to dazzle you with my prowess at bringing the Christmas cheer, just like you’ve brought the Hanukkah hoopla.”

Donna grinned. “Hanukkah hoopla and Christmas cheer? Weren’t they the eight and ninth dwarfs?”

“No, I think they were the fourth and fifth Stooges,” he replied with an equal grin.

Now it was Donna’s expression that softened. “Josh, I wasn’t trying to get rid of you for the day by giving you the tickets. I’m happy being attached at the hip too. Happier than I’ve ever been in my life.” Moving slowly, she brushed her lips against his, until the light contact was not enough. Pressing her mouth more firmly to his, she poured herself into the kiss, trying to show him, without words, how much he meant to her. Hands tangled in each other’s hair, open mouth angled against open mouth, body pressed against body, breath mingling with breath, they shared a long, slow kiss. 

When they finally broke apart, it took Donna a moment to find her voice. “Now, how about some dinner? I’m making marinated fried steak and latkes and yes I’ll be sure to turn your steak into a briquette.”

“Sounds perfect,” he said. 

She managed to smile over her beating heart. “Well, enjoy it while you can because tomorrow the vegetables and healthy eating begin.”

TBC


	9. Broken Glass: Chapters 41-45

**********  
Chapter 41 - MATURE

Donna had pulled the club chair over by the window and sat, wrapped in a blanket, her feet tucked under her, watching the snow as it quietly sifted to earth. She’d been in the same spot for the last few hours. The apartment was quiet except for the occasional snore from Harley, who was asleep on his big pillow on the far side of the living room, and it was dark except for the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree. It was Christmas Eve day and the weather had turned bad mid-morning when the snow had begun to fall in earnest. Since it also happened to be a Friday, Sam had decided to close the office at noon. After dropping her and Harley off at the apartment, he’d gone home himself, promising to be back at the apartment for dinner the next day. It was his assignment to bring a dessert to go with the new batch of Jack Daniels whiskey balls Donna had made the day before. Toby was bringing wine, CJ was bringing a vegetable of some kind and Will was bringing bread. Donna had purchased the large whole salmon the day before and she had it all ready to put it in the oven tomorrow.

Josh had called shortly after she’d gotten home and told her he had a few things to finish up, but that he would be home by late afternoon. He also said she shouldn’t make anything for dinner as he had plans for them and he would fill her in when he got home.

The problem was that while Donna was excited about Josh’s promised “Christmas cheer,” the closer it got to Christmas, the more she had to try and keep herself from feeling blue. She noticed it just after Hanukkah was over the week before and she had no more ‘Hanukkah hoopla’ to focus her energy on. She’d tried to ignore it and she’d tried to pretend it wasn’t there and she was pretty sure she’d managed to hide it from Josh. But ever since Sam had dropped her off, she’d had the distinct feeling that she was sliding down some kind of slow spiral. She wasn’t suicidal or angry and didn’t want to cut herself or anything like that. It just seemed to her that she should be....happier. At first she’d thought she was feeling this way because there wasn’t much left to do. The shopping was all done and everything she’d needed to buy or get ready for tomorrow was taken care of. She’d considered calling Barbara about it, but she felt like she was going through a holiday thing and just needed to think it through. Surely there was a reason for the way she was feeling.

Resting her cheek against the cool glass of the window, she watched the fat snowflakes falling through the beam from the streetlight and tried to figure out what was going on inside her. It had slowly begun to dawn on her in the last hour that part of it, a big part of it, was her family issues. The last year had been a huge blow to her family relationships. She missed her grandparents with a renewed ache and although her parents had never been models of parenting, they’d been hers. But the events of the last six months and what she’d remembered from her childhood had all but severed her relationship with them. She remembered telling Josh at the farm that he was her family now, him and CJ and Sam and Toby and the Bartlets and Leo. And she’d meant it. She still felt that way, but lately, she thought how sad it was that it had become necessary to basically write off the family she’d had for the formative years of her life. 

Maybe it was just that Christmas, and its proximity to the end of the year, was making her think about all that had changed in her life. And although things had changed for the better, in the form of her relationship with Josh and all the things she worked out with her past, rather than for the worse, the worse seemed to be asserting itself more vocally. Things lost, she supposed. Her childhood. Her innocence. Then, after the attack, her sense of self. Her feeling of security. Her memory.

She also realized that part of her emotional upheaval extended from the fact that she felt a little guilty and unworthy of everything she figured Josh was going to do to try to bring the “Christmas cheer.” She’d been holding out on him. And she didn’t mean the part about her feeling blue. She still hadn’t told him about the concerns she’d voiced to Barbara and she still hadn’t told him about the visualizations. Visualizations that had gone so well, she’d surprised the hell out of herself by having an orgasm on three different occasions. And that was just by thinking about having sex with Josh. She’s talked about the positive outcome of the visualizations during her last session and Barbara said that was a very good sign and told her that she seemed well on her way to ‘getting ready’ to go farther with Josh. Of course, Barbara had made that statement with the understanding that Donna had already shared all her concerns with Josh. But she hadn’t done that and she hadn’t bothered to correct Barbara’s assumption. If she had told her, Donna knew that Barbara would have said she needed to be mentally intimate with Josh before she was physically intimate.

On the heels of that thought, she heard the alarm click off and what she assumed was Josh’s key turning in the front door. The knob turned and Josh opened the door. “Hey,” he greeted her with a smile as he stepped inside. 

“Hey,” she replied quietly as she watched him. His hair and the shoulders of his coat were damp from the melting snow and as he removed his coat, Donna thought he’d never looked more wonderful. 

Josh hung up his coat and dropped his bag on the floor. Tonight was the beginning of the ‘Christmas cheer’ and, as he was a man of occasion, he was ready to dazzle Donna with what he had planned. He turned and for the first time, really took in the sight before him. Donna was bundled under a blanket in a chair by the window, watching him. He frowned to see that the only thing that was twinkling in her eyes were the Christmas tree lights he saw reflected there. In fact, she looked a little sad. He walked slowly over to her. “You got any of that blanket to share with me?” he asked her. 

Silently, she nodded and pulled back the corner of the blanket. Slipping out of his suit jacket and toeing off his shoes, he slid into the club chair next to her. Even though the chair was oversized, the two of them sitting side by side in it was a bit of a tight fit, so he shifted them around and settled her onto his lap. “Are you feeling all right? You’re not sick or anything are you?” he asked spreading the blanket back over them. She shook her head, but he kissed her forehead anyway to check and see if she was running a fever. She didn’t feel warm. “Is everything all right?” he asked, getting a little worried. 

She looked up at him. “Yeah, I guess so.”

‘Well, that doesn’t sound good at all,’ he thought. “What is it, Donna? What’s wrong?” he asked gently. 

“I just...it’s stupid,” she finally said.

“I’ll be the judge of that. Tell me what it is.” 

She slid her arms around him and, fisting her hands in the back of her shirt to anchor herself she hugged him tightly. “Just hold me for a minute, okay?”

He pressed his lips against the side of her face. “I’d hold you forever if you wanted me to,” he said softly. After a few minutes her felt her body begin to relax in his arms and slowly she raised her head to look at him again. Her eyes were dry and yet he did see just the hint of sadness still lurking there.

Donna took a breath and tried to find the words to tell him what was wrong. “I have a confession to make.”

He frowned. “And what’s that?”

“I’ve been sort of feeling a little...blue the last couple days and I didn’t tell you.”

“Why not?” he asked with curiosity, but not accusation.

“I’m sorry, Josh. I thought it was just the stress of the holidays and I figured it would go away.”

“But it didn’t?” he prompted.

“No,” she said with a sigh. “Today it was even worse. I’ve been sitting here all afternoon trying to figure out what’s wrong.”

“What did you come up with?” he asked.

She shrugged and looked down at her hands, “Like I said, it’s stupid.”

He used his finger to tip her chin up so to look at him. “Tell me anyway.”

“It occurs to me that I should be happier.”

His heart began to beat a little faster and he tried to think if he’d been a jerk lately. He couldn’t think of anything he’d done. “You’re not happy?” he asked.

“That’s just it, Josh,” she said, trying to explain. “I am happy. You make me very happy. That’s why I guess I’m feeling blue. I don’t feel as happy as I think I should.”

“You’re going to have to elaborate on that a bit,” he told her.

“I guess I’m realizing just how much things in my life have changed. And while most of them, like you,” she said with a smile, “have been amazing, then there are others that just make me....sad.” 

“Like what?”

“I miss my grandparents. I wish they could have lived long enough to meet you. And then there’s my parents. I mean I know they’re not going to win any prizes for parenting and it’s not like I’ve even seen much of them in the last few years, even at the holidays, but they ARE my parents and it hurts to know that they’ll never be what I need them to be. To know that I’m better off not seeing them at all rather than letting them hurt me.”

He brushed a strand of hair out of her face. “I’m sorry, Donna. You know I would change that for you if I could,” he said softly.

“No, I know you would....” she said, laying her hand on his arm. “And I meant what I said when we were out at the farm about you being my family. But I guess...I wish....things could be different on that front.”

“I think that’s only natural,” he said sympathetically.

For a moment, she considered telling him about the visualizations and her concerns but she still didn’t feel ready. On the other hand, she also thought that he deserved to know something about what was going on with her on that topic as well. “Josh....”

“Hmmm?” he said, suspecting there was something else on her mind.

“I.....” she looked up at him. “I....don’t know if I deserve to have you bring the ‘Christmas cheer.’”

He frowned. “What are you talking about? Of course you do. Look at all the great things you did for me during Hanukkah. The least I can do is do something special for you for Christmas. Besides, it’s not about being deserving or not deserving.”

“But....” she sighed. 

“What? Donna, you know you can tell me anything.”

“But that’s just it,” she wailed. “I can’t tell you. I don’t know why I can’t but I can’t.”

“Okay, you’re losing me. What can’t you tell me?”

“Well, if I told you then that wouldn’t fall under the ‘I can’t tell you’ category,” she replied.

“Okay, now I’m completely in the land of the lost ‘cause I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Josh said with a slightly befuddled smile.

Donna covered her face with her hands. “I know. It doesn’t make sense to me and I’m the one who said it.”

He looked at her for a minute. “Donna,” he said gently. “Look at me.” She pulled her hands away from her face. “Talk to me. Just give me the name of the topic that we’re not talking about.”

“Getting ready,” she blurted.

“You’re getting ready to tell me the topic we’re not talking about?”

“No....” She let out a breath. This shouldn’t be so hard. Why was she making it so hard? “I’ve been working through some things with Barbara. Some things to help me....get ready.” She could see he was still confused. “Do you remember when you took me out to dinner and you asked me about moving in together?”

“Yes, I remember.” His mind flashed back to that conversation to find a clue as to where she was going.

“And then we talked a little about marriage and the fact that I wasn’t ready?”

“Yes, I.....oh,” he said. Now he was beginning to see. “You’re working on ‘getting ready’ to get married.” He frowned. “Well, what’s wrong with that? I think it’s great,” he finished with a smile. When she only continued to look at him he frowned again. “It’s not great?”

“No, it IS great. It’s just that....well, marriage is only part of it.”

“What else?”

She took a breath. It was time she stopped acting like she was in junior high school. This was the man she loved and trusted. If she couldn’t talk to him about this, even on the most basic of levels, then she had a serious problem. She looked up at him. “I want to do more than just sleep with you every night, Josh. I want to make love with you.” She paused for a moment. “That’s what I’m really trying to get ready for. After that I think marriage will come pretty easily for us.”

Watching her, Josh tried to remember how to breathe. That she wanted to be with him so much after all she’d been through and would try so hard and agonize over it so much....stunned him nearly speechless. He laid his hand on her cheek. “I want that too, but I can wait as long as you need.” He paused. “Is that what you couldn’t tell me?”

“Yes...no, I just.....Barbara wants me to talk to you about some concerns I have and what exactly I’ve been doing to ‘get ready.’ That’s the part I’m not ready to tell you. And I can’t completely ‘get ready’ until I’m able to tell you.”

“Okay.” It both scared and pleased him that he was now following her reasoning. “But can I ask you one question about these concerns you have?”

“Sure,” she replied.

“Are the concerns anything that I’ve done? Anything that I can help with? I mean you’re not afraid of me or....”

She pressed her hand over his mouth, “No. God, no, Josh. Don’t ever think that,” she said, pulling her hand away. “I could never be afraid of you. You’ve been nothing but patient and gentle and kind and a rock through this whole ordeal. It has everything to do with me and what’s happened to me in the last six months. Things that are still churning around in me and I’m just sorting them out. And I will sort them out. And when I do, you’ll be the first one to know. Well, you and maybe Barbara.”

He smiled now, happy that it wasn’t anything he’d done. “Okay, so you’ll tell me when you’re ready. That’s no problem. I trust you, too. When the time is right you’ll tell me what you need to tell me.”

She leaned her head back against the padded arm of the chair. “See...you’re being wonderful and I can’t tell you what I’m supposed to tell you. This why I don’t deserve the Christmas cheer.” 

“I beg to differ. If the Christmas cheer were based on deserving, which it isn’t, this is exactly why you deserve it.”

Donna frowned this time. “Okay, now I’m the one in the land of the lost.”

He grinned. “Even though you haven’t told me everything you still brought up what I’m sure was a difficult subject for you. And you told me that you’re doing all you can to get ready. Ready to be with me. That means so much.” He leaned in conspiratorially. “Oh, and as for the wonderful thing, don’t let it get around. I have a reputation to uphold and everything. I’d be ruined in this town if everyone found out.”

Now she did manage a grin. “My lips are sealed.”

“God, I hope not,” he said with a smirk as he leaned in and kissed her.

The kiss was warm and slow and Donna felt in every cell in her body. Her hand slid up into his hair and her mouth opened for his, eliciting a soft moan of pleasure from him. She loved to bring out that response in him. His hand moved into her hair and then down along her neck and down to rest on the front of her shoulder, just above her breast. That was as low as she knew he would put his hand without permission from her, but she longed to feel his hands on her. She’d taken off her bra when she’d got home and her breasts were bare under the light sweater she had on. But her nipples were stiff with wanting his touch. Surely, that was part of the ‘getting ready’ too. The simple act of touching, beyond just kissing. She loved when he touched the small of her back or held her hand or caressed her cheek and she knew in her heart this would be even better. Placing her hand over his where it rested on her shoulder, she slowly pulled it down until it was laying over her breast. She left her own hand over his to let him know it was all right.

Josh felt her hand on his and was so involved in the kiss he didn’t realize what she wanted until he felt the firm peak of her breast under his palm. He broke their kiss and looked down at her. Now there was something else dancing in her eyes besides the Christmas tree lights and a soft smile touched her lips. Lips that were now swollen from his kisses. Then he looked down at both of their hands covering her breast and he knew she was giving him permission to continue a little farther than he normally did. Knowing what a gift it was, he didn’t shy away from it. As if she knew he understood, Donna slid her hand away. Josh took her cue and began to move his thumb over her cloth covered nipple.

Feeling, rich and dark, seemed to flow out from where he touched her. His thumb made slow passes over her pert nipple, making it even harder as his fingers gently massaged her breast through the fabric of her sweater. As his hand remained busy with her breast, he moved in to kiss her again. But this time he moved just a little lower as well. He planted slow kisses along her jaw and then along the smooth column of her throat and this time it was Donna who moaned softly in pleasure. As her hand went up into his hair again, the breath seemed to flutter in her chest and with a sigh, she arched into his touch.

Josh teased her other breast with equal attention and felt her pulse beating quickly under his mouth as he placed a kiss on the pulse point of her throat. Moving his lips back up, he found her mouth and he kissed her soundly, their tongues dueling heatedly. Slowly, regretfully, but knowing he had to bring things back down, he eased them out of the kiss and although his fingers itched to touch her without the fabric between them, he eased his hand back up to her shoulder. He gaze met hers for a moment. They were both breathing a little hard, a little fast, and her eyes sparkled now with a deep desire.

“Now,” he managed after a moment. “.....There will be no more talk about being deserving or not deserving and no more comments about me not bringing the ‘Christmas cheer.’ Okay?” Donna nodded. “Good. Because I’ve got plans for us this evening.” He looked at his watch. “You’ve got about an hour and a half before the car will be here to pick us up. So why don’t you put on something fancy? Maybe that beautiful dress you wore to Sam’s party. You know, the burgundy one? I’d love to see you in it again. And I’ll get changed myself and we’ll commence with the ‘Christmas cheer.’” 

Donna, her breasts still tingling from his attention, smiled. She should have known that sharing some of things that had been weighing on her mind with Josh would help raise her spirits. “Do I get any hints, Mr. Wonderful?”

“No, Miss Receiver of the Josh Lyman Christmas Cheer. Then it wouldn’t be a surprise,” he said with a chuckle as he set her feet on the floor. “Now go get ready.”

**********

As they walked out of the restaurant, Donna slid her arm through Josh’s. “Well, Mr. Wonderful,” she whispered as they walked out to curb to wait to for the driver to bring the car around. “So far, the Christmas cheer has been a big hit.” With a broad smile, she slid her hands inside his unbuttoned coat and wrapped her arms around him. As usual, he looked gorgeous in his tux. Outside, it had just about stopped snowing and now only a few lazy flakes continued to drift down from the sky.

Even though she was wearing her own heavy coat over the gown she had on, he pulled one side of his coat open and wrapped it and his arm tightly around her so she was cocooned against his side. “And it doesn’t stop there.”

“There’s more?!” She asked with an excited grin.

“But, of course. This is a two day event. The merriment has only begun,” he said with a grin of his own. The car pulled up then and the driver opened the door for them. Josh helped her inside and then climbed in after her. Normally, he would have driven them himself but with the snow and bad weather that had been predicted, he thought a car and driver would be a better idea. The driver already had the heat going and even though it was fairly comfortable in the car, Josh pulled her against him and she snuggled into his side. 

“But you’ve already done so much,” she told him as the car pulled away from the curb and the driver headed back to the apartment. “I still can’t believe that you took me to the ballet to see ‘The Nutcracker,’” she said. “Margaret and I went one year. I think it was the first Christmas after we got to the White House. But we sat in the nosebleed seats and it wasn’t nearly as fun as getting dressed up and sitting with you and fifth row center no less and then dinner....well, this is hands-down the best Christmas Eve...oh, sorry, ‘Christmas cheer,’ I’ve ever had.” She looked up at him for a minute, then laid her hand on his cheek and pulled him closer for a kiss. “Thank you, Josh,” she said softly just before their lips touched.

When they finally broke apart he grinned down at her. The sparkle in her eyes and in her smile warmed him. “If I get thank yous like that I’m going to have to bring the cheer more often. Maybe I could do it for all the major holidays. What do you think about ‘President’s Day cheer’ or ‘Easter cheer’ or ‘4th of July cheer’.....” 

“But Easter is a Christian holiday,” she pointed out.

“Well, yeah, but so is Christmas and look how well that’s turning out. Which reminds me. There’s all the Jewish holidays too. The Christian and secular holidays could be ‘cheers’ and the Jewish holidays could be ‘hooplas.’ Just think, there’d be ‘Rosh Hashanah hoopla’ and ‘Yom Kippur hoopla’ and......”

“Passover hoopla?” Donna suggested. “Although, somehow that just doesn’t sound quite right.”

“No, I suppose you’re right. Well, we could leave out ‘Passover hoopla’ and “Good Friday cheer.’ You can take care of the ‘hooplas’ and I’ll care of the ‘cheers.’ How does that sound?” he asked with a smirk.

“Like you’re drunk or you’ve got a concussion,” she said with a laugh. “How about we just take care of ‘Christmas cheer’ for right now and see how things go?”

“Okay, fair enough,” he said with a chuckle as the car pulled up in front of the apartment. “Speaking of the Christmas cheer, more of the merriment awaits us inside.”

The driver walked around and opened the door for them. Josh helped Donna out and after tipping the driver, he walked arm in arm with her up to the apartment. She even let him take the elevator, but it wasn’t totally an unselfish thing on her part since she got to snuggle up with him in the corner of it. When they got to the door, Josh uncoded the alarm, unlocked the door and pushed open the door to let her go in first. 

“Hey, Josh?”

“Yeah?” he replied innocently as if he didn’t know what she was going to say. 

“Didn’t I turn off the Christmas Tree lights before we left?”

“Yes, but remember when I ran back inside to get something?” He said, closing the door and removing his coat.

“Yes,” she said, moving over to pet Harley who stood waiting for them as they entered.

“Well, I did it so I could switch them back on so you’d be surprised.”

“Mission accomplished,” she loved coming in to see just the Christmas lights glowing. It was such a warm homey feeling. “And I suppose you had nothing to do with two new presents that are lying under the tree,” she commented. Although there was already a present from Josh to her under the tree, one that she’d nearly worn out from shaking, most of the presents were for other people. People like Sam, CJ, Toby, in the form of presents for Molly and Huck, and Will, who would get theirs tomorrow. She’d had Josh take Leo’s and the Bartlets’ over earlier that morning. But now she saw there were two more additions to the presents from Josh to her under the tree.

Josh pulled his bow tie free as walked over to her. “Did I mention the additional merriment?” he asked with a grin. 

She unbuttoned her coat and Josh slid it off her shoulders. “You mean even after the ballet and dinner there’s more presents involved with the merriment?” she asked him.

“Well, that would seem to go without saying, since as you can see there are indeed more presents under the tree. I always say, what’s merriment without presents?”

“Yeah, I’ve heard you say that hundreds of times,” she said with a grin.

“You better be careful or Santa may put coal in your stocking tonight,” he replied.

“I don’t even have a stocking.”

“Well, of course not. It’s not Christmas morning yet.”

“But we don’t even have a fireplace,” she argued.

“Not a problem for Santa and the Christmas cheer,” he said with a grin. Unable to resist any longer, he encircled her waist with his arm and pulled her close. “Have I mentioned that you look amazing tonight?” he asked, pressing his lips to her cheek. “I love this dress.”

Warmed by his words, she turned into him and smiled back. “You told me that earlier, but feel free to say it as often as the urge strikes you.”

He brushed his lips over her ear, making her shiver as his voice dropped lower and his breath swept across her skin. “You look amazing tonight,” he repeated softly.

Donna shivered slightly and tried to find her voice. “Thanks,” she whispered as she put her arms around him. “And did I ever tell you how absolutely edible you look in a tux?”

“Why no, I don’t believe you’ve ever told me that,” he said, grinning at the compliment. “But feel free to say it as often as the urge strikes you.”

She smiled softly. “I wanted to tell you that all the time. Every time I had to tie your tie I wanted to tell you that,” Donna said, her voice soft and sincere.

“And every time you wore some gorgeous dress or amazing outfit to a party or for a date, I wanted to tell you,” he said softly, running his hand over her cheek.

“I’m glad that we can say what we really think now.”

“Me too,” he replied, as he dipped his head to capture her lips with his in another kiss. Pulling back he looked at her and grinned. “So I look edible in my tux, huh?”

Donna rolled her eyes. “Don’t make me sorry I told you.”

“Okay, okay,” he laughed. “Now have a seat on the couch so we can finish up tonight’s merriment.”

“Kay,” she said smiling as she settled herself on the couch and wondered what was next. She watched him walk over to the tree. ‘He really does look good enough to eat,’ she thought. He was pleasantly rumpled in his tux, with his tie hanging loose around his neck and the first two buttons of the shirt undone. 

“Now I understand that it is often a tradition to open one or two presents on Christmas Eve.”

“Really?! You’re going to let me do that?” she asked excitedly. Growing up, many of her friends got to do that but her parents had been very firm on the no presents until Christmas morning rule.

“But I have also learned that one of the two presents is usually a new pair of Christmas pajamas. So in that tradition I’d like you open this one first.” Reaching down, he picked up the bigger of the two new packages under the tree and set it in her lap.

Donna studied the box carefully before she opened it, if for no other reason than she knew it would make him a little crazy if she took her time. It was a large-shirt sized box, decorated with a glittery red star pattern and tied with a gold bow. “Did you buy me lingerie at Victoria’s Secret, Josh?” she teased him. 

“Open it and find out.” He was bouncing slightly on the balls of his feet in excitement.

Pulling on the bow she slid it off and pulled off the top of the box. Gold tissue paper covered the contents and she pushed it out of the way. Inside was a pair of flannel pajamas. The pants were drawstring and comfortably baggy and the top had long sleeves and buttoned up the front. Both pieces were covered with small, colorful, round Christmas ornaments on a navy blue background. There was also a matching navy blue cotton tank top she could wear with the pants when it got a little warmer. They were not Victoria’s Secret but in her mind, they were better. They were warm, comfortable, surprisingly the right size, and absolutely, totally adorable.

“What do you think?” he said a bit nervously when she had yet to make a comment. “To be honest, Zoey gave me the idea about the pajamas. Apparently, the Bartlets used to get the girls new Christmas pajamas every year. And I enlisted Sam’s help to get the size right. He still remembered from when you and he were doing all the shopping. But I picked out the color and the pattern.” He smiled, not unlike a little boy. “And I even braved the crowds and did, you know, actual shopping and bought them myself.”

Donna had to take a breath and swallow hard to keep the tears away. It was such a sweet thing. “I love them,” she finally managed with a smile for him. “Thank you. I’ll put them on after we get back from giving Harley his evening walk.”

“You’re welcome.” He smiled, glad to see she liked his first present. “Now,” he said, looking a little like a comfortable game show host as he stood by the Christmas tree. “I have it on good authority, namely Zoey and CJ, that traditionally you get to choose the other gift you get to open. But....I would like to make a request. Could you please open this one?” He said, holding out a small, flat, 4 by 4 inch square shiny green box. It was the other new package she’d seen under the tree a few minutes before. 

He looked so cute she couldn’t have said no to him even if she’d wanted to, which she didn’t. “Okay,” she said with a smile as she reached out and took it from his hand. When she did, Josh took a seat next to her on the couch and watched her expectantly. The box was fairly light and she wondered what on earth he could have gotten her. Pulling the bow off, she pulled the top off. Another flat square box, this one made of black velvet, and looking suspiciously like a jewelry box, was nestled down inside. Taking it out, she carefully flipped open the top. And gasped at the gift inside. A beautiful gold bracelet, composed of small, delicate gold links, winked up at her. “Oh, Josh, it’s beautiful.”

Grinning widely, he slid the bracelet off it’s holder and held it up. “It’s a charm bracelet,” he said, unfastening the clasp. “Hold out your wrist,” he told her. She did as he asked and he fastened the bracelet around it. “Did you notice how delicate the links look?” Donna nodded. “Actually they’re solid links so they’re strong and won’t break.” He paused for a moment, giving her a long look. “It reminded me of you,” he told her. “With all that you’ve been through you still didn’t break.” He saw the tears begin to gather in her eyes but he pressed on. “Anyway....” he said, sliding the other side of the bracelet around so she could see it. “I thought I’d get you a new charm every year to add to it. I gave you a head start with the first 3 charms. I had them put on when I bought it.”

He looked at her for a moment. “First this one,” he said, holding up the charm, a small gold oval, that was nearest to the clasp. “So much has happened between us this year, so much that has brought us together when it could have divided us, I had our initials carved on it. See, how the letters are woven into each other? Not so tightly that the letters are obliterated but enough that they are one unit, one idea. That’s how I see us. Two people with our own identities but linked together.” He took a breath. “Then there’s the second one,” he said, holding up a small, puffy gold heart. A tiny diamond glittered in the center of it. “I’m sure this will be self explanatory but the gold heart is because you’ve got my heart.” He looked at her. “You’ve had it for a long time,” he added softly. “Then there’s the third one. It’s a pair of ballet shoes to commemorate the time I took you to the ballet, completely of my own free will and didn’t complain once.” He finished with a grin.

Tears were trailing down Donna’s cheeks now, but a smile softened her face. “It’s the most wonderful Christmas present I’ve ever gotten,” she said softly, putting her hand on his cheek.

Leaning over, she pressed her lips to his in a gentle kiss. “Thank you,” she said with a whisper.

“Merry Christmas, Donnatella.” Josh said as he placed soft kisses over her cheeks, removing the residual tears. “Now, how about we take Harley out for a walk, so you can come back, change into your new pajamas and get some sleep? My sources tell me that Santa doesn’t come until you’re asleep.”

She grinned, “Well, I don’t want to keep Santa waiting.”

**********

Trying to hold onto the last wisps of her good night’s sleep, Donna snuggled down into the bed. She was warm and comfortable and didn’t want to move. But then slowly, her sleep-fogged brain began to notice a couple of things. First of all, she was alone. Besides the fact that at least one of Josh’s arms wasn’t around her, as it always was when they were in bed, she also couldn’t hear the sound of his breathing. Second of all, the smell of fresh coffee and what she guessed were pancakes, mixed with the scent of pine from the tree and tickled her nose enticingly. Giving up on the idea of sleep, her eyes fluttered open. She was lying on her side, facing the spot Josh usually occupied. As she expected, Josh wasn’t there. But she was surprised to see that it was not empty. A large, red fuzzy Christmas stocking was laying across Josh’s pillow. Her name was clearly printed on a large tag tied to the corner of it. 

Sliding up higher in the bed until she was sitting against the headboard, she smiled at it curiously. A small bunch of bright yellow bananas were sticking halfway out of the top of it. She reached over and picked up the whole stocking. It was full, but of what, she didn’t know, as the bananas blocked her view of what was inside. Just about the time she was considering calling out to Josh to see if she could empty it out, he appeared in the doorway. He was carrying a breakfast tray in his hands and she had to press a hand over her mouth to keep from laughing. Not at the him or the breakfast tray, but at what he was wearing. He was dressed, head to toe in a red Santa suit, including a full snowy beard, long white curly wig under his Santa hat and padding around the middle. But she knew it was him, there was no mistaking the twinkling chocolate eyes that watched her. 

“Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Donnatella,” Josh said in a deep chuckling voice.

“Hi, Santa,” she said with a grin as she eyed the tray he was holding. “Whatcha got there?” 

“Well, the elves and I thought you’d like some breakfast,” he said, still trying to hold onto his deep voice as he walked across the room to the bed. Admiring how cute she looked in her new Christmas pajamas, he put the tray down across her lap.

She stared down at the tray. A plate of pancakes with butter and syrup, a glass of orange juice, and a large steaming mug of coffee, fixed just the way she liked it, covered it. Sprigs of mistletoe decorated both top corners of the tray. Picking one up, Donna looked up at him and held it over her head. “Oh, look at that, I’m under the mistletoe and there’s no one around to kiss me. I wouldn’t want to incur any kind of Christmas curse or anything. Do you have any suggestions on how I fix this problem, Santa?” The look in his eyes told her that he was smirking under the beard.

“Well, since you’ve been such a good girl this year I’d be willing to take care of that for you,” he said, bending down to her. “It’s all part of the personal service. Just don’t tell Mrs. Claus.”

“I promise,” she whispered. 

Josh leaned in and kissed her but it didn’t last long when she started laughing. “What?” he said, pulling back. “Mrs. Claus doesn’t laugh when I kiss her. Of course, up at the North Pole it’s so cold her lips are probably numb so she doesn’t feel much at all, but still.”

“I’m sorry, Santa. Your beard was tickling my nose,” she said, still laughing. “I like my men clean shaven. I hope you won’t hold it against me.”

“Not at all, my dear,” he said. “I guess I don’t have to worry about you kissing Toby then.”

“Okay, thank you for putting that image in my head, Santa. I’m very fond of Toby but he’s like my brother, or you know, the uncle I should have had.” The words slipped out before she even knew she was going to say them. Mildly horrified, she held her hand up over her mouth. Josh had worked so hard to make Christmas special and fun and she’d just poured a bucked of cold water over it. “Oh, God, I’m sorry. I don’t know what made me say that.”

Josh dropped all Santa pretense and sat down next to her on the bed. “Hey,” he said, taking her hand. “There’s no need to be sorry. You’re right. Toby, or someone like him, should have been your uncle. If he had been, you wouldn’t have had so much crap to go through.” He paused. “Donna, you know that if I could go back and stop him I would. I’d give anything to keep him....keep both of them....” he said, referring to Weaver as well as her uncle, “from hurting you.”

She gripped his hand. “I know you would and I appreciate that.” Laying her hand on his bearded cheek she brushed her thumb over the cheek bone that was visible above the edge of the white hair. “You’re my hero and always have been,” she said softly. She paused and looked at him for a minute. “Now can we forget I said it and get back to the Christmas cheer you’ve gone to all this trouble to arrange?”

His heart had done a slow turn in his chest when she’d said he was her hero and he watched her for a moment, trying to make sure she was really okay. “Of course, we can if you want to, but before we do, let me just say one thing. Remember that you can always talk to me about anything and you don’t need to apologize to me for being honest.”

“I know, Josh,” she told him.

“Okay,” he said watching her for another moment. Then he smiled, “Now, would you like to eat your breakfast? Then you can open your stocking.”

She smiled back. “Kay, but only if you share it with me. I know flying all over the world delivering presents all night must make you work up quite an appetite.”

“Ah-kay,” he said, grinning and feeling like they were back on solid ground. They sat there in bed and plowed through the delicious breakfast that Josh had made her. He wasn’t a bad cook as long as he stuck to the 5 dishes that he’d picked up from his Mom and actually knew how to cook. As long as it was pancakes, scrambled eggs, spaghetti, grilled cheese or boxed macaroni and cheese, he was okay. 

“Okay, now for the stocking,” he said, after he came back from taking the now empty breakfast tray into the kitchen.

She grinned and picked up the stocking that was setting in her lap. “Gee, Santa. I can’t imagine why you thought I might want bananas,” she said, referring to the fact that after her ulcer, a banana a day had become part of her regular diet. She pulled the bunch out of the top of the stocking to see what was underneath.

“The elves keep me well informed.”

“I bet,” she smiled. Inside where some various small things. Her favorite gum. A small box of Godiva chocolates. A small bag of Starbucks coffee. Red, green, and silver covered Hershey’s kisses filled in all the extra spaces. Just when she thought she’d taken everything out of it, down in the toe of the stocking she found a small black velvet pouch. She glanced up at him, a curious frown on her face, then pulled open the pouch. Inside was a gold key ring with a large “D” attached to it and two keys hanging off it. The curious frown deepened as she looked up at him again. “Keys?”

He was grinning behind the beard, “Do you recognize them?”

“Well, they do look kind of familiar,” she commented. She looked at them again. “In fact, I think one of them is the key to the front door.”

“Yep,” he replied.

“But I’m stumped on the other one,” she looked to him for an explanation.

He was still grinning. “Bring the keys and come with me,” he said pulling her out of bed. After stopping to let her stuff her feet into a pair of slippers, he led her out into the living room, pulled her coat off the rack and slid it over her pajamas.

“Josh? Where are we going? If we’re going outside, I need to dress more warmly,” she told him as he opened the front door.

“We’re not going outside. Come on,” he told her excitedly. After locking the apartment door, he led her downstairs and down into the underground garage. 

“Josh, what are we doing down here? Are you going to drive me somewhere?”

“No, just another minute and you’ll see.” He pulled her by the hand through the garage. When they came to her space where his car was usually parked he stopped and stood there expectantly.

Donna looked around for a minute, expecting some kind of clue but receiving none. “Okay, Josh. I’m still lost. What are we doing here?”

Josh’s grin got wider behind the beard and he turned to point at the car. “Look familiar?”

“Hey, this isn’t your car. Where’s your car?” she asked him, knowing that he’d been parking in her space ever since she’d gone public with her ‘resurrection.’ Then she gave the car a second look. It looked familiar. Why did it look familiar? “Josh? Whose car is this?”

“Why don’t you try your key and find out.”

Donna was speechless for a moment. “Josh? What did you do?” she said when she’d found her voice. “Did you buy me a car? ‘Cause that’s really too much.....”

“No....I didn’t buy you a car,” he said, bouncing on the balls of his feet. He could see she was still confused so he decided to just tell her what he’d done. “I just returned one to its rightful owner.”

“What....?” she said. Then she turned and looked at the car again. It was a small, four-door sedan, probably about two years old. It looked....it looked....it looked just like her car. The one she’d had before the attack. The one that Josh told her was in storage in Alexandria with her other things. The only difference was hers had been kind of a plain champagne beige color with assorted nicks and scratches and dings. This one didn’t have a scratch on it and was her favorite color, a beautiful jewel tone sapphire blue.

He saw the hint of recognition in her eyes. “As much as Sam and I like driving you around and still will if you want us to, I figured you’d like to be able to get around on your own sometimes too,” he told her. “What do you think?” he asked her when she only continued to stare at the car.

“I...I...I don’t understand,” she replied. “This looks like my car but mine is beige and scratched up and this one is blue and pristine and you said mine was in storage in Alexandria.”

“When I got the box of ornaments from storage I took your car too,” he explained. “I had it painted, serviced, and detailed.” He had been grinning so long his facial muscles were going to be sore but he didn’t care. “It’s as close to new as a used car can be.”

She looked at him, still not quite believing what he’d said. Even though she liked and appreciated Sam and Josh driving her around, there were times when she needed to get around without them. Up until then, Josh had been great about letting her borrow his car or she’d taken cabs, but she’d missed the independence of having her own car. Looking at the beautiful, all but new car, sitting in front of her, she thought her heart would burst.

“Donna?” Josh tried again. “What do you....oof,” he said as she launched herself at him and threw her arms around him.

“I can’t believe you went to all this trouble,” she told him. “It’s wonderful. You’re wonderful.”

He hugged her back. “No trouble at all. Just part of the service that we at the North Pole like to provide. Look inside,” he told her.

“Kay,” she said with a grin now. Releasing him, she gripped her keys in her hand and moved to the drivers door. Slipping her key in the door, she opened it and slid behind the wheel. Although it smelled like the air freshener they used when they detailed cars, Donna could just smell the scent she associated with her car. There was also a small pale blue crystal, one that she’d bought the year before, hanging from the rear view mirror where she’d left it. She glanced across the car’s interior and the dash board. Everything looked cleaner but the same as she remembered. Except....except for the new, sleek looking CD player that had replaced the stock cassette player that had come with the car when she’d scraped together enough money for a down payment on it two years earlier.

Josh leaned down to talk to her. “How’s everything look?”

She looked up at him. “Great. I love the CD player by the way.”

“Well, since you’re a fan of the music,” he grinned. “It’s just another little Christmas cheer surprise.”

“You’ve outdone yourself, Santa,” she smiled. Then her expressions softened and sobered just a bit. “Thank you for everything, Josh.”

His eyes smiled at her. “You’re making it sound like that’s it. Come on, there’s more. Let’s go back upstairs.”

Slipping a little reluctantly out of the car, she relocked it. “But you’ve already gotten me so much,” she told him as she followed him back upstairs.

“Well, I am the master of the Christmas cheer,” he told her as they got back to the apartment. He helped her off with her coat and had her sit down on the couch. “See, I figure that you got me 8 presents for Hanukkah, so I got you 8 presents for Christmas. So far we’ve had the night out on Christmas Eve, the new pajamas, the bracelet, the car and the CD player. Which means, by my calculations you’ve got 3 more presents coming to you,” he finished with yet another grin. He couldn’t seem to stop grinning at her. He’d have to get it under control before Toby got there for dinner later or he would never hear the end of it.

“I never meant it to be a competition, Josh.” she told softly. “I already had what I wanted most for Christmas.”

He looked at her for a minute, “And what’s that?”

“You.”

His heart felt like it was going to expand outside his chest. “You’re what I wanted most too,” he told her. A quiet moment passed between them. A moment that didn’t need words because it had heart. Their hearts. “So which of your three presents would you like to open next?” he finally asked her.

As difficult as it was, she managed to pull her eyes away from him and she glanced at the presents under the tree. “The silver one,” she told him, referring to the one present that had been under the tree for the last week. Josh picked it up and handed it to her. It was a shirt sized box wrapped in simple silver paper and a white ribbon. Pulling the ribbon off, she removed the lid. Inside was a navy blue sweatshirt. ‘Georgetown’ was emblazoned across the front of it in large white letters.

For what seemed like the 800th time in the last two days, Donna frowned in curiosity. “Georgetown? But you didn’t even go to Georgetown.”

“I know,” he told her. “I had Zoey pick it up for me since she’s an alum and all. I wanted you to be dressed properly when you start back to school.”

She gripped the sweatshirt to her chest. He hadn’t forgotten their discussion about her going back to school and this was his way of telling her he still supported and even encouraged her desire to do so. Even though she didn’t think it was possible, it made her love him even more. “Thank you, Josh,” she managed to whisper.

“Now that doesn’t mean you have to go to Georgetown,” he qualified. “You can go anywhere you want. But I kind of hoped you’d want to stay here in DC and it’s close to our apartment and the White House and it’s a fine school.”

“No, I’d planned to go to Georgetown.” She paused and slipping it over her head, put the sweatshirt on over her pajama top. “It’s perfect, thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” he replied, pleased that she liked it. He’d wanted to show her that he was completely onboard with her going back to school and that seemed like the best way to do it. “Okay, by my count that brings us to the last two gifts. Now they kind of have an order to them so you need to open this one first,” he told her as he picked a large box, one she hadn’t seen before, up from under the tree and put it in her lap. It was about the size of a copy paper box and was wrapped in a green paper covered in cartoon pictures of different kinds of dogs, all wearing Santa hats. It was the cutest paper she’d ever seen. Carefully, so she could try and save it, Donna removed the paper to reveal a plain white box beneath. Pulling off the lid, she peeled back white tissue paper and looked inside.

“What...?” She seemed to be saying that a lot. Either she was having a mental block about things or Josh was really good with this Christmas present thing. Donna hoped it was the latter. This time, her confusion was focused on contents of her latest present. It appeared to be comprised of various items related to skiing. There was a pair beautiful blue ski pants, a matching hooded parka, gloves and goggles. “What...?” she tried again. “Why...? I don’t even know how to ski.”

Josh’s only response was to hold out her last present as if it would explain everything. As she took it from him, she saw it was also wrapped in the same doggy Santa paper. This package was about the size of a hardback book but she could tell it was a box of some kind. Unwrapping it, she saw it was the same kind of box as the other one, just on a smaller scale. Lifting off the top she looked inside. There were two items in it and on one level they did explain everything but on another they still left her puzzled. One was a certificate for free skiing lessons and free ski rentals. The other was a reservation confirmation and a brochure for the same resort that was offering the lessons. It was called the Wintergreen Resort and was located in central Virginia, which would be about a 3 hour drive from DC. She remembered their first Christmas in the White House and how she’d asked him for all things related to skiing. Instead he’d gotten her something better, a book titled, “The Art and Artistry of Alpine Skiing.” The inscription in the front of the book was what had made it so special. So she figured he’d remembered her desire to go skiing from that Christmas. The question still in her mind was, why would he choose now to get her outfitted to go skiing? “We’re going skiing?” she asked him.

Josh frowned at question in her voice. He wondered if she remembered the circumstances that had spurred him to give her this gift. “Well, YOU’LL be skiing. Harley and I will most likely be freezing our asses off while you’re having fun,” he said, trying for some levity. When she smiled slightly then went back to frowning he saw she didn’t remember and decided that levity wasn’t really the way to go. He let out a long sigh and prayed he wasn’t about to rain on the Christmas cheer and bring up bad memories. He pulled off the Santa hat and wig and the beard so she could see his face. Then he took her hand in his. “Donna....do you remember much about the day of your assault? The time when you were in the hospital?” he asked her gently.

“Bits and pieces,” she told him. Her frown deepened as she still had no idea how it related to skiing.

“Do you remember getting a CT scan?” He looked at her face searchingly. “The ER doc was worried that you had more than just a concussion.”

Even though she still didn’t get the connection she thought back to that day. “Vaguely,” she told him. “I don’t think I liked it. But I remember you were there.”

He nodded. “No, you didn’t like it and yes...I was there. You were panicking a little and giving the techs a hard time and they couldn’t get you calmed down,” he told her. “The doctor and CJ tried talking to you but it didn’t help. Then I talked to you for a bit and you seemed to settle down. So I promised, right there in front of CJ, that if you cooperated and behaved yourself, I would take you skiing.” He smiled a bit. “But I did make the stipulation that I wouldn’t buy you skis until you at least found out if you liked skiing.” He smiled and squeezed her hand. “The outfit, the trip and the time off I talked Leo into giving me to take you is my way of keeping that promise.”

Donna looked at him and tried to remember more detail about what happened in the CT suite that day. For a moment, just a moment, she felt the same claustrophobic, dazed, frustrated, and terrified feelings she’d felt that day, flow over her like a wave. Then it ebbed away. “I’m sorry I don’t remember what you said about the skiing, ‘cause it sounds like that was one of the sweetest, nicest things you’ve ever said to me.” she told him honestly. “But what I do remember was the feeling of comfort and peace I felt when I heard your voice.” She squeezed his hand back. “Josh, you’ve kept your promise to me and you continue to keep it just by being here.” Then she smiled. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to turn my nose up at a...” she looked at the reservation confirmation. “A week long ski trip....a WEEK!” she repeated excitedly. The fact that he would go to the trouble of getting a week off of work in mid-February to take her skiing, especially when he’d made it clear he had no intention of skiing himself, touched and thrilled her deeply. She dove at him sending them both sprawling backward onto the couch. 

“You....Santa....are SOOO da man!” Even as he smirked at that, she crushed her mouth to his and poured her thanks into a searing kiss.

TBC

***********  
Chapter 42 - YTEEN

In keeping with the cold weather and the casual dress they’d decided on for Christmas dinner, Donna wore jeans, her new Georgetown sweatshirt and the charm bracelet as she put the finishing touches on dinner. Everyone had just sat down at the table when she carried the platter of salmon out of the kitchen and set it down in the center of the table. There was a loud round of oohs and ahs from the assembled crowd, consisting of her and Josh, Toby, CJ, Sam and Will. 

The salmon, sans the head and tail and already deboned at the fish market, had been slow roasted in the oven with lemon, butter, kosher salt, fresh ground pepper and hints of dill and garlic. She was serving it with four different sauces so everyone could choose what they liked, a creamy dill sauce, a sweet pecan honey glaze, a spicy maple peppercorn glaze, and melted lemon garlic butter. The table was nearly groaning under all the food that covered it. Besides the salmon, Donna had made, at Josh’s request, mashed potatoes and more latkes, CJ had come through with the other veggies by bringing tender asparagus and green beans, Will had brought, crusty-on-the-outside, fluffy-on-the-inside, rosemary olive oil bread, Toby brought two bottles of white wine, and Sam had topped things off by supplying a mouth watering dessert tray of French pastries, including éclairs, napoleons, and cream puffs.

Donna took her seat next to Josh and picked up her wine glass. “Before we eat I’d just like to propose a toast.” She paused for a moment and looked at each one assembled at the table. “As you all know, this year has been a challenging one for me. But with the challenges came great rewards,” she said, giving Josh a smile as she laid her free hand over his on the table. “And I just want you all to know that I realize I didn’t overcome those challenges on my own. Each of you played a part in helping me overcome them and for that I will always be grateful. So...” she said raising her glass high. Everyone else picked up their glass and followed suit. “Here’s to good food, good times and the best friends anyone could ask for.” Everyone clinked their glasses together. “Now, let’s eat,” Donna said.

And eat they did. In keeping with Donna’s toast, the food was excellent, the camaraderie was thick, and the conversation was warm and fun. The stories kept coming as they reminisced with each other. Maybe it was just the wine, but the tongues of the collected group seemed to be especially loose.

They laughed over Sam and Josh trying to light a fire in the White House fireplace with the flue welded shut. Grinned about Leo and Big Block of Cheese Day. Smiled as they talked about the day Donna appeared in Josh’s office in Nashua and convinced him to hire her. Snickered over Sam getting his ass kicked on Capitol Beat by Ainsley Hayes. Howled over Josh’s Secret Plan to Fight Inflation and his disastrous interactions with his ‘fans’ on LemonLyman.com. Grinned as they remembered Josh’s good cop/bad cop and the snowballs against Donna’s window on the night of the President’s second inauguration. Snorted over Josh and the first time he met Joey Lucas, sporting a wicked hangover and Sam’s foul weather gear and smelling like he’d fallen in a dumpster.

To deflect attention from himself to CJ, Josh brought up how he’d told Danny that CJ liked goldfish and he’d mistakenly thought Josh had meant fish and not crackers and he’d gotten her Gail the goldfish. Then Will brought up the time that he, CJ, and Amy had met with Marion Coatsworth-Haye and CJ couldn’t stop laughing. Toby added fuel to that fire by telling them about the time that CJ had fallen into the pool at her home in Los Angeles when he’d come to see her about joining the campaign. Donna also remembered the Thanksgiving that CJ found Eric and Troy, the two turkeys, in her office waiting to be pardoned by the President. 

And still the stories kept coming. There was the one about Toby and Andy and the twins. The one about the time that Donna thought there was a missile silo under the Eisenhower putting green. Sam and the call girl. President Bartlet and the Butterball hotline. Josh, Donna and Toby being left behind by the motorcade in Indiana. Donna being a Canadian. The ceiling of Josh’s office falling in on him. The midnight flight to Portland on Air Force One. Their first Filibuster courtesy of Senator Stackhouse. 

Then, as so often happens around the holidays, the discussion turned to sports. Josh, of course, had already told Sam and Toby about the football tickets Donna had got him for Hanukkah and they were all excited about going on New Year’s Day. As with baseball, where Josh liked the Mets and Toby liked the Yankees, they were divided over football. Josh liked the Redskins and Toby liked the New York Giants. It provided plenty of fodder for a heated after dinner debate.

“There’s no way the Giants are going to win on Saturday, Toby,” Josh insisted.

Toby swirled the whiskey in his highball glass. “Well, the only way that the Redskins are going to win is if Joe Montana comes out of retirement to play quarterback.”

“What the hell is wrong with Mark Brunell?” Josh demanded, referring to the current Redskins quarterback. “He’s going to take them all the way to the Super Bowl this year. He can pass as well as tuck the ball and run. He brought experience and a winning attitude to the Redskins offense. When he joined the team he was the No. 11-ranked passer in NFL History. He started 117 of 122 games and has completed 2,195 of 3,639 passes for 25,793 yards, 144 touchdowns and 86 interceptions. He’s gone to the Pro Bowl three times. In the nine years he played for Jacksonville, he set 43 team records. None of which the Giants bozo quarterback can say.”

Toby looked at him for a minute. “What you and your short-sighted brain fail to realize is that unlike the Redskins, who have place most of their eggs in one basket named Mark Brunell and his unknown back-up quarterbacks, the Giants have no less than 3 outstanding quarterbacks. First, they have Jesse Palmer. Even though he’s a relative new comer, he has a strong-arm with potential. In 2002, he became one of the top backup quarterbacks in the NFL and in 2003 he played in six games with three starts, all of which lead to career-best totals of 116 pass attempts, 60 completions, 532 yards, 3 touchdowns and 4 interceptions. Then they have Kurt Warner. When he became a free agent in 2004, he was released by the Rams and signed by the Giants. He’s one of the biggest success stories in the NFL. He was the NFL’s MVP in 1999 and 2001 and he took the Rams to two Super Bowls, including Super Bowl XXXVI, which they won and he was voted the games MVP. He’s gone to the Pro Bowl three times. His career pass rating is 97.2, the best in NFL history, and he has the highest career completion percentage. And last but not least they have Eli Manning. Manning, as in brother to someone else you may have heard of by the name of Peyton Manning, who plays quarterback for the Indianapolis Colts. Eli Manning has the least experience since he just came out of college, but his college record speaks for itself. He was only the 5th quarterback in Southeastern College Conference history to throw for more than 10,000 yards in a career. He completed 829 of 1363 passes for 10,119 yards, 81 touchdowns and 35 interceptions. In college he was a big-play specialist, known for rallying the team for 4th quarter victories.”

“College isn’t the pros, Toby,” Josh pointed out.

“Yes, and thank you for stating the obvious.”

“So, basically, what you’re saying,” Josh began. “Is that they have two wet behind the ears quarterbacks right out of college and one old guy at the end of his career.”

“No,” Toby said, trying to hold his temper. “What I’m saying is they have two quarterbacks with enormous potential and one that brings a wealth of experience and proven talent. And any of which can and will pound Mark Brunell into the astroturf next Saturday.”

Tired of hearing Josh and Toby arguing, CJ looked at Donna. Luckily, for the sake of a separate conversation, the guys were sitting on one end of the table and Donna and CJ were sitting on the other. “So while the testosterone idiots are hashing out whatever they’re hashing out I wanted to ask you about this bowl,” she said, picking up the ceramic bowl Donna had served the mashed potatoes in. “It looks handmade.”

Donna smiled, a bit self-deprecatingly. “What gave it away? The fact that it’s not quite round or that one side is a little lower than the other?”

“Well, actually it was the color,” she said, referring to the beautiful speckled blue that covered dish. “You don’t usually see that color in commercially produced ceramics.” Then CJ grinned a bit, “But the shape did kind of catch my attention too.”

Donna smiled. “Okay, I confess. I made it.”

“Did you make it at the art therapy class you told me about?” 

“Yes, I did,” Donna told her with a grin. She’d continued to attend the class and she liked it more and more as time went on. It gave her such a great creative outlet, one that she hadn’t known she’d even needed. Although she’d tried painting, she found she liked working with clay the best, both in sculpture and wheel-thrown pottery.

“That’s great,” she said, her voice holding a note of pride. “You’ve only been taking that class for a month.” CJ commented over the slightly raised voices coming from the guys.

“Well, it was better than the first little bowl I made and Pamela, my instructor, said I seemed to have a bit of natural talent for pottery. Although I’m sure she was just being kind. I mean look at it,” she said, pointed at the bowl. “It definitely has room for improvement.”

“But you know, Donna, that’s part of it’s charm,” CJ told her. “You made it with your own two hands. That’s quite an accomplishment. Besides, it still does the job. It holds the potatoes and doesn’t fall apart or anything.”

“Hey! Don’t start in on the Raiders!” Sam exclaimed. He’d been listening more than taking an active part in Josh and Toby’s debate but it appeared they’d struck a nerve and he was jumping in with both feet. 

Will, who’d been silent during the testosterone-fueled football debate turned to Donna and CJ. “I thought they only argued like this about politics,” he said.

“No, they can argue like this over just about anything.” CJ replied, then she frowned. “Speaking of which, why aren’t you joining in the testosterone fest?” 

Will shrugged. “You have to remember, I grew up in Europe. Their ‘football’ is what we call soccer. Although I know the basic rules, I’ve never developed an interest in American football. I think it has something to do with the fact that they enjoy pounding each other into the ground just a little too much in football. But talk about soccer and I can argue with the best of them.”

“I’ve never been able to get into soccer,” CJ commented.

“Well, there’s a lot of subtlety in soccer,” Will told her.

CJ raised an eyebrow. “So are you saying that I can’t appreciate subtlety?”

He swallowed hard. “No, I...of course, not....I just...”

Will was generally so composed, it was kind of funny to see him so...discombobulated. It reminded Donna of when he’d first come to the White House and was so freaked out about meeting the President for the first time. She didn’t let him suffer for long though. “Don’t worry, Will, she’s just teasing you,” Donna said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. The action made her bracelet gleam in the light and the charms on it clink together musically. 

CJ grinned at Will to let him know she was indeed teasing him, then she turned back to Donna. “Oh, I meant to ask you, where did you get the gorgeous bracelet?” CJ asked.

She grinned and held it out for them to see. “Josh got it for me for Christmas. It’s a charm bracelet. He also got me the three charms.” 

As if on cue, Josh stood up abruptly. “Okay, now you’ve gone too far, Toby. There’s only one way we’re going to settle this....“

Toby looked at him for a long moment then he stood up from the table to face Josh on an equal level. “Bring it on.”

**********

“You didn’t tell me coming to your house for Christmas dinner was going to be so interesting,” Will commented as they walked down the sidewalk. Josh, Toby and Sam were a few steps ahead of them, still arguing. While the heavy snow from yesterday and last night’s storm was still thick on the ground and the temperature was just above freezing, the late afternoon sky was a clear, crystal blue. Each breath and word they spoke, trailed out of their mouths in small white clouds.

Donna gave him a sideways glance. “Well, this year things have turned out more interesting than usual. I should have known better than to let Josh and Toby sit near each other at the table.”

“For those of us who missed it, can you explain to me again how we got from them arguing about the Redskins and the Giants to us playing touch football in the snow?” CJ asked good naturedly.

“I’m not quite clear on that point,” Donna said. “I think it had something to do with Toby questioning Josh’s manhood and Josh questioning Toby’s athletic ability. Sam and the Raiders were involved somewhere too but from there it gets fuzzy.”

“Yeah, because in the beginning it was perfectly clear,” CJ put in as she rubbed her gloved hands together, trying to warm them. “Have I mentioned lately that Josh and Toby are idiots?”

“Oh, come on, CJ. This could be fun,” Donna told her. “It will be just like that episode of ‘Friends’ where they play football on Thanksgiving.”

“Yeah, well, as much as I liked that episode, there is one tiny difference. They didn’t have to play in the SNOW. Besides, basketball is my game. Other than the fact that men play it and there a reddish, brownish, pointed kind of ball involved, I know squat about football. I’m going to be useless and Toby and Josh know it.”

The ragtag group finally reached the small, all but deserted park near Josh and Donna’s apartment. By raiding her and Josh’s closet, Donna had managed to find everyone warm clothes to play in so they wouldn’t have to worry about getting the clothes they wore to dinner wet or dirty. Harley tagged along as their mascot. Josh, Toby and Sam marked off the outline of a crude football field in the snow. The park was too small to make a full-sized field so they made one that was about half size. Josh and Toby stopped arguing long enough to face the group. “Okay, now we need to pick teams,” Josh told them.

“I’ve got a better idea. How about you and Toby go at it and the rest of us watch from the side lines?” CJ said hopefully.

“Because one on one football is all but impossible,” Toby replied. “I mean it’s kind of hard to, you know, hike or pass the ball to yourself.”

“Okay, enough chit chat,” Josh said bouncing the football in his hands. “Toby and I are captains...”

“Who made that rule?” Sam put in. “Why can’t I be a captain?”

“Because you’re too much of a woman,” Toby told him.

“HEY!” CJ and Donna said in unison.

“If you want us to play, Toby, it’s a good idea if you don’t start things out by insulting us,” CJ told him. Donna glared at him, while Josh, Sam and Will smirked shamelessly at seeing him get into trouble.

Toby scrambled to correct his tactical error. “Sorry, what I meant to say is that Sam can’t be a captain because this is all based on an argument between me and Josh so it’s logical that we’re the captains.”

“That’s better,” CJ told him with a nod.

“Okay, I get to choose first,” Josh said. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Toby said. “I don’t remember flipping a coin, or you know, giving you permission to pull the pigskin over my eyes.”

“I called it first so I get to choose first,” Josh reasoned. 

Toby looked at him for a minute. “Yeah, I don’t think so.”

“Why not?!” Josh demanded. 

“Because we’re not in the sixth grade and we’re not calling shotgun for the family car trip.”

“God, you two idiots make my head want to explode,” CJ put it. “We’re freezing our collective body parts off and you’re arguing about who gets to go first!” She sighed trying to put a cap on her annoyance. “So as usual, the Sisterhood comes to the rescue. I’m thinking of a number between one and ten. Each of you pick one.”

“Hey, what about....” Sam began.

“Sam, I beg you not to finish that sentence,” CJ told him. “Next time we play touch football in the snow I swear you can be a captain but for right now, Toby’s right. The two of them started this insanity so they’re going to finish it.” Sam remained copiously silent. “Now where are we on you guys picking a number?” Josh and Toby glared at each other for a minute. 

“Four,” Josh blurted first.

“Eight,” Toby said, right behind him.

“The number was three so Josh picks first,” CJ said. She could tell Toby wanted to make a comment but valued his life and was biting his tongue.

Josh smirked wildly at getting to go first. He considered his options carefully for a minute. He knew Will and CJ knew nothing or next to nothing about football so they were out. Sam would be a good choice but he could be a little klutzy and Josh knew that the games Sam was good at playing were tennis and basketball, not football. And then there was Donna. She was the best choice on a number of levels, not the least of which was his fear of her exacting retribution on him if he didn’t pick her. Of course there was also the fact that he knew from the way she’d chased him through the halls of the White House, she was quick on her feet and he didn’t want to take the chance that Toby would pick her first just to annoy him. That sealed it for him. “Donna,” he said and was rewarded when Donna grinned and moved to stand behind him.

Toby made his choice. “Sam.”

Josh looked between Will and CJ, trying to decide who would help him the most or, as the case may be, hurt him the least. Although CJ knew nothing about football, but she excelled at basketball, which made her quick on her feet. Will was pretty much a blank slate to him in terms of his athletic prowess. He looked more like an office drone than an athlete, but then again sometimes it was the unassuming ones that surprised you the most. There was also the fact that Toby, even though he’d been well-behaved all through dinner, still held a bit of a grudge against Will for leaving to work for Bingo Bob. Forcing Toby to take Will as a teammate, as entertaining as it might be for the rest of them, would probably be asking for trouble. So even though, in Josh’s mind, CJ and Will were pretty much equal in terms of pros and cons, he decided to pick Will.

“Josh!” CJ protested.

“Sorry, CJ,” Josh said with a shrug as Will moved to stand with Donna.

“That means we get you, CJ,” Toby said, trying to ease the fact that she was picked last.

“You don’t ‘get’ me, you’re ‘stuck’ with me,” she sighed. “I can tell this is going to be SO much fun.”

Josh held the ball out to Donna, “You’re going to be the center.”

“What do you think you’re doing?” Toby asked him.

“What?”

“Who decided that you get the ball first?”

“I won the number picking thing so I get to go first,” Josh replied.

“Yes, you get to go first....in picking teams. Who gets the ball first is a whole different thing,” Toby pointed out.

“Oh, my God, please tell me we’re not going to do this again,” CJ commented rolling her eyes. “I swear you guys are going to pay for dragging me out here into the dead of winter and then arguing like two five-year-olds.” She turned to Will. “Since you’re the only male that doesn’t have an interest in football will you pick another number between one and ten?”

Will had to suppress a little smirk, this Christmas was definitely turning out to be one of the most interesting he’d ever had. “Okay, I got one.”

“Five,” Toby blurted before Josh could.

“Two,” Josh guessed.

Will looked at them for a long moment. “The number was 6. Sorry Josh.”

Toby grinned and bounced on his toes a bit. For him it was the equivalent of doing a happy dance. They’re already agreed to skip the kick off portion of the game so his team would get to start out with the ball and make the first drive. “Ball, please,” he said, holding out his hand. Josh reluctantly slapped the ball into it. 

“I’ve got the timer,” Donna called, setting the kitchen timer for 15 minutes and putting it down on the picnic table next to the makeshift field. To keep everyone from freezing to death, they’d decided to play two 15-minute periods. The one that had the most points would win. In the case of a tie they would play until someone scored the next touchdown.

Both teams set up their players. CJ acted as center while Toby was quarterback and Sam was going to be the runner. Josh, Donna and Will lined up on the other side. Toby signaled to CJ to snap the ball. CJ, never having done it before and having fingers that were half numb from the cold, got a little to exuberant when she hiked the ball. It sailed right toward Toby. Only problem was, it was about 3 feet over his head. He tried to jump high enough to catch it but it was too far out of his reach. Sam tried to turn and backpedal to try and catch it but the snow made his feet slip out from under him and he went down in a flailing heap. Josh, realizing the ball was loose and seeing his chance to capitalized on it, started forward. It became a race between Josh and Toby to see who could get to the ball first. Toby made it there a fraction of a second before Josh and he fell on the ball. Josh was planning to do the same thing but he managed to stop himself so he didn’t smush Toby in the process. Toby’s brain dimly observed that falling on a ball in the snow wasn’t quite as uncomfortable as falling on one in the plain grass. The snow at least gave some cushion. Even if it was a cold, wet cushion.

Slowly, Toby got up and he called his team into a huddle. “Okay, CJ, this time I’m gonna need you to remember I’m not 10 feet tall or anything.” 

“Right, ‘cause I was confused about that,” she told him, snarkily. “Look, I’m sorry. My fingers are frozen and I got excited. I’ve never done this before, remember?”

“Yeah, because I couldn’t have guessed that,” he looked at both of them. “Now this time when I get the ball, Sam go long. If you’re open I’ll pass it to you. If you’re not open I’ll hand it off to CJ. All right?” Both of them nodded. “Good, then let’s break.”

“Wait,” CJ said, stopping them.

“What?” Toby asked her.

“You know the part when you said you might hand me the ball?” 

Toby frowned. “Yes?”

CJ looked at him for a second. “What, exactly, as I supposed to do with it after you hand it to me?”

Sam, who was slightly cold and wet after his fall into the snow, smirked in spite of himself. He could also see that Toby was about ready to have a nutty, so he took pity on her and explained before Toby exploded. “CJ, do you see the rectangles we’ve marked off at both ends of the field?”

“Yes,” CJ nodded.

“Those are called the end zones. To put it in basketball terms, just think of them like really big baskets only you don’t have to throw the ball into them, you just have to carry the ball across the line. Do that and we score 6 points. So if Toby gives you the ball, run like hell and try and not let anyone touch you.”

“Okay, if I get the ball....run...no touching...big basket. Got it. Wait, why is the touching bad?”

Toby had managed to get a hold of his temper by that point. “If someone touches you it’s the same as being tackled.”

“And that’s bad, right?” she asked.

His tenuous grasp on his temper was fraying. “Yes, if you get tackled, or in this case, touched, then you have to stop running.”

“Okay. See all you have to do explain things to me and I’m good,” CJ told them. Toby just rolled his eyes.

“COME ON! LET’S PLAY!” Josh called.

“Okay, break,” Toby told them.

They set up for the play and this time CJ hiked the ball to Toby without any trouble. But when Toby went to throw it, Sam was blocked by Josh and Donna and Will were bearing down on him quickly so he had to hand it off to CJ. To her credit, she took it and started running. Unfortunately, she was going in the wrong direction. Toby managed to stop her just before she crossed into the wrong end zone. This time, Toby and Sam didn’t even try to explain why going to the wrong end zone was bad and just pointed her in the direction she needed to go. Third down started without incident but ended when Josh intercepted the pass that Toby meant for Sam. The silver lining for Toby’s team was the fact that Josh didn’t get very far because Sam was quick enough to launch himself at Josh and tag his arm. In any case, it meant that Josh and his team, much to their rejoicing, now had the ball.

Josh had already discussed their first few plays while Toby and his team had been in a huddle so he and Donna and Will took their places on the line without needing a huddle. Donna bent over, the ball resting on ground under her hands and waited for Josh’s signal to hike the ball. A minute passed and there was no signal. Without standing up she tried to look back at him. “Josh?” No response. She turned slightly to see where he was. He was standing behind her where he was supposed to be. His gaze was even focused on her. The look on his face was.....hungry. She couldn’t think of any other way to describe it. “Josh what is it? What are you doing?” she asked him.

His eyes shifted to meet hers and he broke into a smirk. “Just enjoying the view.”

Her reaction to that was a cross between a giggle and a tingling low in her belly. She stood up but kept her body pointed in the same direction as she looked over her shoulder at him. “You want to ogle my butt or you want to play football?”

His dimples came out to join the smirk. “Why can’t I do both? I’m a master of multitasking.”

“You’re really not,” she told him with a grin.

“Okay, so I’m not, but trust me when I say I am fully capable of ogling your butt and winning this game.”

“DO YOU TWO WANT TO BE ALONE OR CAN WE PLAY ALREADY?!” Toby groused.

“Just a second,” Donna called back. “We’re taking a quick time out.” She was silently thrilled to have Josh ogling her backside. Walking over to Josh without a word, she kissed him full and hard on the mouth. “Win now and I’ll let you ogle to your heart’s content later,” she whispered in his ear.

His dimples got bigger. “Oh, motivation. I like that.”

“I am the master motivator.”

“You really are, you know,” he agreed. Then he was the one who kissed her full and hard on the mouth.

“WOULD YOU TWO JUST GET A ROOM?!?” CJ teased them good naturedly.

Ignoring CJ, Josh continued to smirk at Donna. “Go take your place, let’s take care of the winning so we can get to the ogling.” he said, giving her a light, playful smack on the behind.

“Kay,” she said grinning. Turning, she took her place in front of him and as she bent down to place the ball, she wiggled her butt at him.

“God, Donna you’re killing me,” Josh whined.

“WOULD YOU PLEASE JUST HIKE THE DAMN BALL!?!” Toby yelled. “THE FIRST PERIOD IS ALMOST OVER AND YOU HAVEN’T EVEN RUN A PLAY YET!”

Josh still grinning and now fully charged, gave Donna the signal. She cleanly hiked the ball to him and she and Will took off running. Sam charged forward to take out Josh, who was frantically looking for someone to throw the ball to. Toby had all but blocked Donna, but Josh smiled when he saw that CJ was having a hard time covering Will, who appeared to be surprisingly agile and quick. He threw the ball and had it sailing toward him. Will saw it coming and stretched out his hands. The ball dropped cleanly into them. Darting a wide circle around CJ, he ran into the end zone. A cheering Josh and Donna ran over and congratulated him. 

A grinning Will handed Josh the ball. “Okay, so I may like football more than I thought.”

Josh grinned back and, taking the ball from him, led the three of them toward Toby and his team who were standing together, breathing hard and trying to catch their breath. “Here you go, Toby,” Josh said, tossing the ball to him as they trotted past.

Toby was determined not to let them keep the upper hand. “Huddle up.” The three of them clustered together. “Okay, see this face, this is my game face. During this drive there will be no slipping in the snow or hiking the ball over my head or going to the wrong end zone. We will score and score big. Are we clear on that?”

“Toby, has anyone ever told you that you’re really hot when you’re determined?” CJ said with a smirk.

Toby grinned menacingly, “Be that as it may, you’re going to see me go from determined to ballistic, at which time, I will look anything but hot, if we don’t score.” He paused and looked at both of them. “Now, this time, CJ, I want you to go long. Sam, I want you to do a side out and then double back so I can hand the ball off to you. Got it?” They both nodded. “Okay, break.”

CJ set up the ball and at Toby’s signal did a passable job of hiking the ball to him. As Toby had instructed, she took off running as Sam went out then pivoted and came back. He snatched the ball cleanly from Toby and turned on the speed. Josh, who’d been intent on Toby couldn’t shift soon enough to catch him. Will was guarding CJ, which left Donna to cover Sam. She darted forward, actually gaining ground as the two of them raced for the end zone. Reaching out she was within a fingers length of being able to touch him when he crossed into the end zone and spiked the ball. A cheering CJ and Toby ran over to him. CJ was so exuberant that she almost knocked Sam over as she hugged him. “SPANKY! You did it!”

Josh went over to Donna, who was bent over and still trying to catch her breath after chasing down Sam. “Good job, Donna,” he said, patting her back lightly. “If we’d been playing on a full size field you would have caught him.”

Toby, who was grinning like a complete idiot, reached down, picked up the ball and walked over to Josh. He tossed the ball so Josh had to catch it in the stomach. His grin got bigger when Josh made a soft ‘oof’ as the ball connected. “Game on, Josh.” 

**********

Fifteen minutes later, they had about 5 minutes left in the bottom of the second and final quarter and both teams were tied at 2 touchdowns a piece. They were also tired, cold and wet.

“Okay, guys. Here’s our moment to shine,” Josh told them as they huddled up. “We’ve played a great game. Now we’re coming down to the wire. One touchdown, then we hold ‘em and we win.” He looked at Donna and Will for a minute. “I want both of you to go long. I’ll throw to whichever of you is open. All right?” They both nodded. “Okay, break,” he said with a clap of his hands as they scattered to their places. 

Donna set the ball and hiked it cleanly to Josh. She and Will took off running. Toby charged toward Josh, Sam was covering Donna and CJ was moving to intercept Will. Josh saw that it was unlikely that Donna and Will would be able to get clear before Toby reached him. He considered trying to run the ball himself but Toby was already close enough to block his path and make any such maneuver useless. As Toby’s shadow fell over him, Josh knew he had to act. As a last ditch effort to try and get rid of the ball, Josh threw it instinctively in Donna’s direction and hoped it didn’t get intercepted.

Over Sam’s shoulder, Donna saw Josh was in trouble as Toby bore down on him. Then she saw the ball leave his hand and sail toward her. The problem was there were two obstacles in her quest to get to it. Sam was the first and the fact that Josh had thrown the ball short was the second. Dancing quickly to the right, she faked Sam out and darted around him, increasing her speed as she got clear. Sam wasn’t ready to give up though and he raced after her. Determined to catch the ball, Donna sprinted forward and managed to close 4 of the 5 feet she estimated she needed. The ball began to drop and she knew if she was going to catch it she’d have to be under it. Pushing off with her toes she flew forward in a spectacular dive. The ball fell neatly into her outstretched arms and she pulled it into her chest. 

Unfortunately, at that point gravity took over and a number of things happened. Donna slid hard and chest first into the ground. It was in an area that they’d trampled over a number of times so even the cushioning effects of the snow had been cleared away leaving only the stiff, frozen ground for her to land on. Before that drive had started, she’d taken off her gloves because wearing them made holding onto the ball difficult. So when she hit the ground and slid about two feet, not only did the breath whoosh out of her but she felt the mixture of dirt, grass, gravel and the bits of remaining snow dig into her knuckles and the back of her bare hands painfully. The final blow came when Sam, who’d been in hot pursuit of her, saw her go down and tried to avoid her, but only succeeded in slipping on a patch of wet, snowy grass. Unable to stop himself, he pitched forward and fell heavily on top of her. Sam moved off her immediately and Donna, her eyes tightly closed, her hands still clenched around the ball, managed to roll over but made no move to get up.

Sam knelt beside her, “God, Donna, I’m sorry.”

The pile-up brought everyone, including Harley, running. “DONNA!” Josh yelled as he came running up to her and Sam. He dropped down next to her and Harley stood next to him. “Donna?” The only response he got was the ragged sound of Donna gasping for breath. “Donna?” he stroked his hand gently over her cheek. “Donna, what is it? Where does it hurt?” Then he saw the red, angry, some of them welling with blood, scratches on Donna’s hands. Gently, he pulled the football out of her hands. “Open your eyes and look at me, Donna.” It took a second but her eyes finally fluttered open and she blinked rapidly. Just then Donna looked at her now empty hands and tried to say something.

“What? What did you say?” Josh asked her, leaning in closer.

“Didn’t I....didn’t I catch the ball?” she asked.

Josh grinned. “Yes, in what was inarguably the most spectacular flying catch I’ve ever seen, you caught the ball.”

She grinned back at him and then noticed everyone scattered around her, watching her. “What are you all doing?” she asked.

“They thought I’d killed you,” Sam said.

“Sam, you may not be a lightweight but you didn’t kill me,” she told him a bit breathlessly now that she could just about manage to get enough air in her lungs to speak in full sentences again.

“You hit the ground pretty hard,” Josh told her. “Are you in any pain?”

Donna thought for a second. “My chest hurts a little, probably from where the football was driven into it. It feels like someone fell on me,” she said with a grin directed at Sam to let him know it was okay. “Oh, my hands kind of hurt too,” she said. She held the backs of them up in front of her face and saw the scratches. “Well, that explains that. I think I just got the wind knocked out of me.” Looking up at Josh, she saw the worried frown on his face. Crooking her finger at him she urged him closed. He leaned in. “I’m okay, really,” she whispered to him. “And I’ll prove it to you.” Wrapping her slightly sore hand around a handful of the front of his coat, she tugged gently and had him lying lightly across her. He’d managed to prop his hand on the other side of her so she wasn’t supporting his full weight. Then she pulled him close enough capture his lips with hers. The kiss was long and full of enough heat to melt the remnants of snow they were sitting on.

Toby snorted. “She’s fine. Let’s get back to the game.” Just then the timer went off. “Okay, so we’re going into overtime. First one to score wins.” Josh made no move to wind up the kiss. “Josh? We have a game to finish here,” Toby prompted.

Josh mumbled against Donna’s lips as he tried to kiss and talk at the same time. “I’m happy where I am. We forfeit, you win.” Funny how winning the game didn’t matter so much when kissing Donna was involved.

Toby looked at him in disbelief. “What....you can’t....after all this.....you can’t just forfeit. We’ve got to finish the thing so we can decide the whatever. If you forfeit then it means nothing,” he sputtered as he walked away and started to pace. Harley trotted after him.

CJ had just about had enough. She was tired and cold and wet and had ceased to be able to feel her fingers about 10 minutes ago. Josh was willing to let it go but Toby was obviously stuck in some dictator-like need to win. With his back to her, CJ grabbed a handful of snow. If she was going to be cold and wet she was going to earn it. She caught Sam watching her and saw him grin and pick up his own handful of snow. CJ firmed up her snowball and moved over to stand by Sam. “Are we in agreement on this?” she asked him quietly. He nodded and they both put the handfuls of snow behind their backs. “Oh, Toby?” she called.

He turned around, “What?”

“Sam and I took a vote and we decided that we forfeit too.”

Toby looked at them for a minute. “I’m the captain, you can’t vote without me.” As he finished the words a snowball nailed him in the chest. “Now look....” The next snowball nailed him in the shoulder. Toby knew he was beaten and fighting a losing battle but he wasn’t going down without a fight. Things degenerated from there. Will joined in and Sam and CJ’s alliance quickly broke down, leaving every man and woman for themselves. Harley danced around them, barking happily as snowballs flew fast and furious. In the middle of it all, oblivious to everything but each other, Josh and Donna continued kissing. That is until a stray snowball clipped Josh cleanly in the back of the head showering both of them with snow.

“What the....?” Josh said, looking up to find he and Donna were in the middle of a snow war. He looked back down at her. “Looks like we missed a couple of things. You want to join in?”

“No. I think I’m ready to call it a day,” she told him. “You know that butt you wanted to ogle later?”

He frowned down at her, “Yeah?”

“It’s really cold and really wet and it would like to plop itself down in a nice warm tub.” She grinned. “Besides, I made the play of the day. I want to go out while I’m at the top of my game.”

“Kay,” he grinned back. Slowly, he helped her stand up. Although she was steady on her feet, he kept his arm around her waist to keep her close. They started to walk away from the snowball fight that still raged on, until Donna stopped and turned around.

“HEY!!!” She waited until they stopped and looked at her. Donna had to bury her face in Josh’s neck for a second to try to keep from laughing at Toby who was so caked with snow he looked like he was wearing a white suit. Getting control of herself she continued. “Rumor has it that back at the apartment, in addition to dry clothes, we’ve got hot coffee, tea, cocoa and if you talk nice to me, hot apple cider, to go with the amazing pastries Sam brought. Do I have any takers?” Without a word, handfuls of snow hit the ground and the combatants streamed off the battlefield. To say the expressions on their faces were grateful was a gross understatement. Sam scooped up the discarded football, CJ snatched the timer off the picnic table and Toby took hold of Harley’s leash.

Josh kept his arm around his battered warrior’s waist as they walked back to the apartment. “I’ll clean those cuts on your hands when we get back. How are you doing otherwise?”

“I’m okay, Josh. Really.” She smiled a bit tiredly at him and leaned close to whisper in his ear. “And just so you know, this was the best Christmas I ever had. Thanks.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 43 - MATURE

“But Toby, if we cave on the tax cut, the Republicans are going think it’s a free pass to slap us around for the next six months,” Josh told him as they sat in his office on a Friday afternoon late in mid-February.

“In case you hadn’t noticed, they don’t need a pass because they’re already slapping us around. If they’re weren’t we wouldn’t be in this position,” Toby told him as he got up out of Josh’s visitor chair and slowly started to pace.

Josh ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “Slapping us around is part of the Republican manifesto isn’t it?” he only half-joked.

Toby grimaced. “Well, yeah, but.....” 

He was interrupted as Josh’s intercom rang. About an hour after she’d started working for him, Mrs. Willis had outlawed any bellowing of her name and so Josh had been forced to finally learn how to use the hated intercom. He pressed the intercom button on the phone. “Yes, Mrs. Willis?”

Her calm, capable voice came through the speaker. “Mr. Lyman, you have a call from the U.S. Attorney’s office. They indicated it was urgent.”

Josh wasn’t surprised they were saying it was urgent. He’d been ducking their calls on and off for the last month and he imagined they were getting a little antsy. But they could wait, there was still plenty of time for him to meet with them. The trial wouldn’t start for probably another 2 months. He just wasn’t ready to deal with them. He’d get ready...eventually, he told himself. He and Donna were leaving for the ski resort on Monday and outside of work, that’s what he was focused on right now. It was his mission to see Donna enjoyed herself. The P\press was still making quite the production out of Weaver and although she hadn’t said anything, he knew that seeing it in the newspaper every day was wearing on her a little. He hoped the trip would help her take her mind off of things. “Could you please tell them I’m unavailable and take a message?” he told her.

There was a small but perceptible pause. “Yes, Mr. Lyman.”

Josh pressed the intercom button to switch it off. “Now, where were we...” he said looking up at Toby, whom he found staring back at him. “What?”

Toby jiggled the change in his pocket. “Didn’t they call you a couple of days ago?”

Josh looked at him for a second. “Um, yeah. They want to talk about my testimony for Weaver’s trial.”

“You called them back, right?”

Josh took a moment before he answered, “Ah, no. I haven’t had a chance. I assume that’s why they’re calling again.”

“Well, don’t you think you...” Toby began.

“Look, Toby, I appreciate what you’re trying to do but I’ve got it under control so can we please just get back to the tax cut?” 

Josh wasn’t yelling but his voice held a certain amount of force, enough that Toby knew if he pushed the issue any further there was a good chance that would probably change. “Yeah, okay.”

**********

Monday morning, Donna wrapped the cord around her blow dryer and, dropping it in her overnight case, she zipped the case closed. That was the last of the packing. After setting the case by the two large suitcases and the duffle bag of Harley’s food and supplies that she’d already packed and had waiting by the front door, she looked at her watch. It was almost 9 am. Josh should be back anytime. He had taken his car - it had all wheel drive so they were using it for the trip - to get gas and then he had to stop by the White House to drop off some work he’d poured over on Sunday in preparation for being out for a week. He promised not to be long.

Donna was really looking forward to some time away from DC and all the crap that was still going on with Weaver and his upcoming trial. She couldn’t pick up a damn newspaper and not see a story about him. But she was determined to have a good time this week. Josh had gone to such much trouble to arrange things and she just wanted them to have a vacation like any normal couple. Well, maybe ‘normal’ wasn’t quite the right word to describe her and Josh, she thought with a grin. Their relationship definitely fell into the ‘unique’ category, but in a good way...definitely a good way.

Moving through the apartment, she was mentally checking off details in her head when the phone rang. “Hello?”

“Hey, Donna. It’s Mike Casper.”

Like a Pavlovian response, Donna’s heart tripped in apprehension at hearing his voice. He had to be calling about Weaver’s case. Although he was a friend of Josh’s and, in all honesty, hers, she couldn’t imagine any other reason why he would be calling. “Hey, Mike,” she said, trying to inject a smile into her voice.

“Is Josh there?” 

“Ahh, no, Mike, I’m sorry he’s not. He had a couple of things to take care of. I expect him to be back any minute and I’ll tell him you called, but he may not have a chance to call because we’re planning to leave as soon as he gets here,” she told him.

“Planning to leave? Where are you guys off to?” he asked casually.

“We’re going skiing in Virginia for a week.” There was a long and vaguely odd pause on the other end of the phone. Donna frowned, “Mike? You still there?”

“Sorry, Donna. Yes, I’m here.” He paused again. “Um, Donna...I know this will sound like a weird question but is Josh okay?”

Now it was Donna’s turn to pause. She had no earthly idea what Mike was getting at. “Yeah, he’s fine. At least he was when he left here an hour ago. Why do you ask?” she asked with a frown.

“Well, on Friday I got a call from Thomas Penfield’s office,” he said, referring to Assistant US Attorney Thomas Penfield, who was leading the prosecution for Weaver’s trial. “It seems that they’ve been trying to get a hold of Josh to set up an appointment to go over his testimony for the trial and they haven’t had any luck contacting him. They told me they left messages for him at the White House, on his cell and at home but he’s never called them back. They knew that I’ve worked with Josh and we’re friends so they called me and asked if I could try and contact him.”

Frowning, Donna thought quickly. Josh hadn’t mentioned anything to her about the any phone calls from the US Attorney’s office. She also didn’t remember any messages on their answering machine. “I’m the one who checks the answering machine at home and I didn’t find any messages from them.” Then she had a thought. “Is possible they left the messages at his old townhouse and not at my apartment?”

“No, I asked them to verify the number they called and it was the same number I just dialed to call you,” he replied.

Donna’s brain kept trying to find an answer. It occurred to her then that their answering machine could be checked and the messages erased remotely. Was Josh checking the machine and erasing the messages before she got home and checked it? Why would he do that? Was he trying to hide the messages from her? Maybe he was just trying to protect her from what he saw as something that she might think was unpleasant. In any case, she wasn’t going to tell Mike that or anything more on the subject until she could talk to Josh. “Well, then I don’t know what to tell you, Mike. He hasn’t said anything to me about the phone calls. I do know he’s been pretty busy at work, even for him.”

“Oh, okay. Well, could you have him call Penfield’s office as soon as possible?” he asked her.

“Sure. I’m sure he’s got it but why don’t you give it to me anyway?” she said pulling out her PDA/phone and adding the number as he read it off to her. “Okay, Mike, I got it. I’ll tell him as soon as he gets back.”

“Okay, thanks. Have a good time skiing.”

“We will. Thanks, Mike,” she said. Putting the cordless phone back onto the base, she stood there and looked at it with a frown. “What the hell is going on?” she muttered. As if on cue, just then she heard the key turn in the front door and Josh stepped inside. 

Not picking up on the slight frown that was still creasing her face, he grinned at her excitedly. “See, I told you I could get back in an hour. Of course, I had to wear a disguise when I stopped by the White House so know one knew it was me, but I still did it.” He saw all the bags sitting by the door. “You all packed?”

She tried to smile a bit, “Yeah, that’s everything.”

“Great. Then let’s get this flying umbrella on the road,” he said as he grabbed the first large suitcase.

She didn’t know quite how to start. “Um, Josh, I need to talk to you for just...” she began.

“Come on, we’ll have three hours to talk in the car,” he said as he set Harley’s duffle bag on top of the suitcase and headed for the door. “I want to get on the road. They’re forecasting light snow flurries in Virginia early this afternoon so I’d like to get up to the resort before they start.” Without waiting for a reply, he disappeared out into the hall.

Donna stood there for a minute and then looked down at the PDA in her hand. The phone number Mike had given her blinked back at her mockingly. Why did she have the sinking feeling that she’d just stepped into something that was going to be a thing?

**********

The traffic was bad enough getting out of the city that she didn’t say anything for the first half hour. Then for the next hour, Josh ranted about the Republicans and the tax cut they were forcing the White House to swallow. When he finally ran out of steam on that topic, an uncharacteristic lull fell between them. Donna looked out the passenger side window at the storm clouds gathering to blot out the blue sky they’d left in DC.

Josh realized, belatedly, that Donna had been very quiet, almost thoughtful, during most of the drive. “Hey, you’ve been pretty quiet. I know I’ve been kind of ranting on about the tax cut, but is everything all right?”

Donna sat there for a minute, slightly at a loss for words now that the time to speak up had arrived. “Um...do you remember back at the apartment when I said I needed to talk to you about something?”

“Oh, yeah. I guess I forgot, sorry. But you know how I get when I’m ranting about Republicans,” he said, trying to make a joke. When she didn’t laugh he frowned. “Donna? What is it?”

“I got a phone call from Mike Casper this morning, right before you got back,” she said quietly.

The beating of Josh’s heart took a sudden jump in speed and he laid his free hand over hers supportingly. Whatever Mike had told her, she seemed to be distressed by it. “Was he calling about Weaver?” he asked gently as he continued to keep his eyes on the road.

“No,” she replied as she stared down at their joined hands for a moment. Then she looked up at Josh as he glanced her way. “He was calling about you.”

Well, that answer hadn’t even been on his radar. “Me?” he said with a frown.

“He was trying to get a hold of you.”

“Why?”

“He had a call from the Thomas Penfield’s office,” she said simply, trying to see what reaction that would get. She didn’t have to wait very long. His posture stiffened noticeably and removed his hand from hers and gripped the steering wheel with it. ‘Yeah,’ she thought. ‘This is a thing.’

“Oh, yeah,” he said, thinking quickly. “I know what they want. They want to set up an appointment to go over my testimony for Weaver’s trial. I’ve been so busy, I just haven’t had a chance to call them back.” His calm, matter-of-fact tone was in direct contradiction to the fact that his heart was beating like a bass drum.

Donna knew Josh too well not to recognize when his voice was a little too calm, a little too controlled. “They’ve been trying to get a hold of you for two weeks,” she said quietly.

He grinned unconvincingly, “Yeah, well, you know how busy I’ve been.”

She didn’t want to push this button, but it was obvious she wasn’t getting anywhere with the way she was going. “But you weren’t too busy to call home and check the answering machine and erase the messages they left for you there before I got home and found them,” she kept her voice gentle, but firm and clear.

The silence descended like heavy wet blanket. Josh gripped the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turned white. His mouth went dry and for a moment all he heard was the sound of his heart pounding deafeningly in his ears.

His non-response was all the response she needed. “Why did you do it, Josh?” she said softly.

Alternate fingers of fear and anger crept up his spine. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Josh....”

The anger lashed out of him before he could stop it. “NO! I said I DON’T want to talk about it and I meant it! I’ll call them back when I’m goddamn good and ready!” he said, his breath coming in angry pants now. “Right now we’re supposed to be on vacation and it’s not something I want to spend time thinking about. Now just drop it.”

Donna sat there for a moment. Normally she would have been stunned and a little hurt that he’d snapped at her so hard. But in all honesty, she was more worried than anything else. Worried about him. Instinctively, she knew that he wasn’t angry at her. He’d never speak to her like that, especially after all they’d gone through in the last six months, if whatever was going on wasn’t really upsetting him.

It made her more determined than ever to dig it out of him. And if that meant it would take her picking a fight with him to do it then a fight would be what they’d have. Vacation or not, she was going to get to the bottom of this. But she needed to bide her time. She needed to do some thinking. ‘The hour and half we have left on the road should give me just about enough time,’ she thought. There was also the fact that picking said fight probably wasn’t the best idea when he was trying to navigate the car through the winding mountain roads they were on.

“Consider the subject dropped,” she told him quietly as her mind switched into planning and preparation mode.

Remorse flooded through Josh. It wasn’t her fault that he was having a problem. If Mike told her everything Josh assumed he told her, then she had every right to ask him about it. He sighed, trying to get a grip on his anger and the fear that was still trying to control him. “I’m sorry, Donna. I just....I just want us to have some time away from DC and all the Weaver stuff.”

“No, it’s okay,” Donna told him with a little smile to let him know she meant it. “You’re right, now is not the time to have that discussion.” ‘But that time is coming very soon,’ she added silently. 

**********

They made good time and got to the resort just around noon. Despite their earlier brief but heated discussion, the rest of the drive passed pleasantly enough. Josh had relaxed quickly when it looked like Donna was really going to let the issue with Penfield remain unexplored. Which is just what Donna wanted. 

The countryside they’d driven through had been gorgeous and the Wintergreen Resort was situated high in the mountains. The main lodge, which was at the top of the ski runs instead of at the bottom, provided a breathtaking view of the ski snow-covered valley. As predicted, when they stopped at the lodge to check-in, a light snow began to fall. But much to Donna’s surprise they weren’t staying at the lodge. Josh had rented them one of the 10 deluxe individual cabins dotting the ridgeline that the lodge also maintained. After getting directions and their welcome packet, they got back in the car and drove about a quarter of a mile where they saw a sign for the turnoff to their cabin. They couldn’t see it yet because a thick row of pine trees blocked it off from the main road. Only a curving, paved driveway gave any indication that there might even a cabin lurking behind the trees.

As Josh drove down the driveway and pulled to a stop in front of the cabin, it was readily apparent that when the resort called them “deluxe” they weren’t kidding and when they called them “cabins” they were grossly understating them. To Donna, it seemed, at least from the outside, to be more like a house than a cabin. It appeared that they’d pulled up to the back side of the one-story building which led to her believe that the front of it faced the valley just like the lodge did. A wide veranda-style porch ran the length of the back of the cabin. The porch and the rest of the cabin were decorated in an attractive but rustic, natural wood siding with pine green painted trim. It was the only thing about the place that remotely resembled her definition of a “cabin.” There was even a one car garage on the end, which Josh hopped out to open so he could pull the car inside. Once he got the door open, she could see that they’d made the garage a bit wider than a standard one car garage to accommodate a shiny black snow mobile they had provided for the guest’s use as well as space for any ski equipment the guests would want to store there. 

In addition to the light snow that was currently falling, a good layer of it covered the ground around the cabin. But luckily the driveway and all the walkways around the cabin had been cleared. Of course, the falling snow would take care of that soon enough. Josh pulled the car into the garage and they climbed out. Harley trotted out into the yard to investigate the new smells and do his doggy business. 

“This place is great, Josh,” Donna commented. “I figured we’d just be staying in a standard hotel room.” 

“Well, I thought you might like something a bit nicer and more spacious. Besides, they don’t take pets in the lodge but they do allow them in the cabins.” He paused. “I think the key I got will work on that door, too,” Josh said, indicating an interior door that seemed to lead directly from the garage into the cabin. The door kept you from having to go back outside to get from the garage into the house. “You want to go inside and take a look? Then we can unload the car.”

Donna smiled and gave him a nod and they moved to the door. Sliding the key in, he unlocked the door and swung it wide to let Donna go in first. She stepped inside and gasped. The inside was warm, inviting and rustic. The door from the garage opened into a spacious, modern kitchen with dark green granite counter tops and natural wood cabinetry. 

“They said the kitchen would be stocked,” Josh told her as he opened one of the cabinet doors. He showed her the canned goods he found inside. “See?”

Donna smiled and nodded as she continued to explore. The floors throughout were polished hardwoods covered with deep green area rugs. Off the kitchen was a large living room which was also done in wood and dark green furniture and accents. Two things dominated the room. One was a huge stone fireplace that took up almost all of one wall. The other was the bank of windows that, as Donna suspected, overlooked the snowy valley and, although it was stormy and cloudy outside, they still provided plenty of natural light. On a sunny day the room would be flooded with light. Track and recessed lighting throughout the room and the rest of the building filled in any dark places and added to warm, comfy feeling of the cabin.

Donna walked over to the window and took in the view. The snow was continuing to fall lightly but consistently. In the distance, off to the right she could just make out people skiing down one of the ski runs. They looked like ants racing down a mound of whipped cream. From their window, the ski lifts looked like something out of flea circus. She felt Josh move behind her and put his arms around her waist.

He rested his chin on her shoulder. “Quite a view,” he commented.

“I know, you can see the whole valley from here.”

He chuckled softly in her ear. “I wasn’t talking about the view from the window. I was talking about you standing there.”

She smiled and reached behind her to lay a hand on his cheek. Her resolution to pick a fight with him wavered for just a second but she knew it had to be done. However, right at the moment, she was enjoying the quiet peace between them.

“You want to see the rest of the place?” he asked her. She nodded and they walked back to the bedrooms. There were two. A master bedroom and a second, more standard bedroom. The second bedroom was actually pretty small, with a full-sized bed and had a basic bathroom that included a tub shower, across the hall from it. The master bedroom was a whole different story. It was probably bigger than their entire apartment. There was a large pine desk and work station, including a fax machine and high speed internet access, matching pine bedroom furniture, and like the rest of the cabin, more gleaming hardwood floors and dark green area rugs. 

Again, the room was dominated by two things. One was another huge stone fireplace that sat on the wall about eight feet from the foot of the bed. The other was the bed itself. It was king-sized and piled with mountains of pillows and what looked like not only a feather down comforter but a feather bed as well. Donna imagined it would be a little like sleeping on a cloud. Then there was the master bath that adjoined the bedroom. It had a huge whirlpool tub that was actually more like a spa than a tub and looked like it would hold 4 people comfortably. There was also a separate shower with dual shower heads and between them, set high up on the wall, was what looked like a wide, flat waterfall style faucet. If you didn’t want to use the showerheads, you could opt to shower under a waterfall. To Donna, nothing sounded more opulent than that. Everything was tiled in a warm sandstone that was just the right shade to coordinate with the color of the natural wood interior.

Josh saw Donna look longingly at the shower and the spa. “They tell me the whole cabin has what’s called a ‘tankless’ water heater system,” he told her. “Which basically means you get...”

Donna’s eyes gleamed. “Floods of instant hot water. I read about them. They cost a little more to install but they’re cheaper and more efficient to use because you don’t have to keep a tank of water hot all the time. A lot of hotels and other commercial properties use them for just that reason. They’ve used them in Europe and Japan for a long time.”

He grinned at the way she always had some little tidbit of knowledge to share on just about any given topic. “Yes, exactly.” He let her drool for a moment over the bathroom.

Trying to ignore the guilt that was still chewing at her for what she knew she had to do, she turned and pulled him into a hug. “I changed my mind. This place isn’t great. It’s absolutely amazing,” she said with absolute honesty. “Thank you, Josh.”

Smiling, he hugged her back. “You’re welcome.” He pulled back. “Now, come on, let’s go unload the car.” She nodded and followed him back out to the car. Josh started pulling luggage out of the trunk and they started taking it inside. As they came back to the master bedroom Josh paused in the doorway with his suitcase.

Donna turned and saw him standing there hesitantly. “What are you doing, Josh?”

“Um, I just wondered where you wanted me to put my things? I mean, if you want I could put them in the other bedroom.”

She frowned, “Why on earth would I want that?”

“Well, I thought....I mean I didn’t want to assume....” he fumbled.

“Do you want to give me insomnia?” she asked him.

He frowned, “What do you mean?”

She sat down on the edge of the bed and looked up at him. “I mean that it’s hard for me to sleep when you’re not with me.”

“Really?” he said coming into the room to stand next to her.

She nodded. “Josh, we’ve been sleeping in the same bed for the last three or four months. What makes you think I want to change that just because we’re on vacation?”

“I hoped you didn’t but I wanted to give you the choice.”

“In that case, I choose to keep things the same so get your ass and your stuff in here,” she told him.

With a grin he did what she’d told him to. “I’m going to go close up the garage. If the weather doesn’t get any worse, maybe we can take a walk later.”

Donna knew they wouldn’t be going for a walk when he got back but she didn’t say anything. With a reassuring smile, she nodded. After Josh had left the room, she looked down at Harley who’d trotted in from outside to see what they were doing. “You might want to make yourself scarce for a bit, things are probably going to get noisy.” Harley just sat and looked up at her steadily, as if he was giving her his support. “Okay, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

Walking back out into the living room she saw that someone from the lodge had already set up wood, kindling and paper in the fireplace. All she had to do to have a fire was light it. More wood and kindling to keep the fire going was supplied in a box next to the fireplace. A note on the mantle indicated that there was more wood stacked on the end of the veranda next to the garage and that if anything else was required they should contact the lodge and it would be provided. After she checked to make sure the flue was open, she took a box of matches from the mantel. Striking a match, she lit the kindling and set the fireplace a blaze.

Moving over to the kitchen, she picked up Josh’s car keys from where he’d laid them on the counter and slid them in her pocket. She also saw a set of keys hanging by the door into the garage. A tag on them indicated they were for the snowmobile out in the garage. Taking them off the hook she slid those in her pocket too. In case he wanted to avoid their discussion by leaving she was going to make it as difficult as possible. Walking back over to the wide, overstuffed couch, she toed off her shoes, sat down and, tucking her feet under her, waited. Harley laid down by the fireplace to wait with her. They didn’t need to wait long. A few moments later, Josh came back in from the garage.

“Wow, Donna, you should see that snowmobile. It’s got more controls than my car. We’re definitely going to have to take it out for a spin.” He walked over to her, and saw the fire. “Nice fire,” he told her. “I’m guessing you don’t want to go for a walk?”

Now it was time for the hard part. She took a silent, mental breath. “No, I want you to come and sit with me,” she said, patting the couch next to her.

Something prickled at the base of his skull but he ignored it. “Oh-kay,” he said, dropping down onto the couch next to her. 

Donna shifted she had her back against the arm of the couch and was fully facing him. Clasping her hands together, she rested them in her lap. “I want to talk to you.”

The prickling got stronger. “About what?”

“Thomas Penfield.”

“Donnaaaaa,” he dropped his head on the sofa cushion and looked up at the ceiling. “I thought you were going to drop that?”

She crossed her arms to let him know she was determined. “Yes, I dropped it in the car and now I’m picking it back up.”

“Donna....like I said in the car, I’ve been busy. And I haven’t had a chance to.....” he began.

“Yeah, I’m going to stop you right there. You tried that answer already. Do I need to restate the answering machine argument?”

Josh got up off the couch and started his characteristic pacing. He SO didn’t want to do this. It wasn’t a big deal. Why couldn’t she just let it go? “Donna, please don’t make me do this,” he begged her.

She looked at him and was startled to see pain flash in his eyes. “Do what?” she asked softly. “Josh...talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

He ran a hand through his hair and from nowhere, it seemed to explode out of him. “I CAN’T!” 

She didn’t mind him yelling. Yelling meant they were getting somewhere. “Why can’t you?” she said, keeping her voice calm and even.

His heart was hammering so hard in his chest it was nearly deafening. “Because if I talk about it, I have to think about it and I DON’T want to think about it!” he blurted.

“What don’t you want to think about?” she asked. It physically hurt her to see him so upset but he needed to get it out.

“I....NO!” he paced away from her.

“Josh,” she began softly. “You sound just like I did about what happened that summer at the farm. You know better than anyone that you can’t hold things in. No matter how hard you try to bury them, they lie in wait, festering like a cancer. I ended up cutting myself and you ended up putting your hand through a window.”

She was right and he knew it. The truth seemed to make everything bubble over inside him. “What do you want me to say?!” he kicked at the end of the coffee table. It was a light weight piece and was sitting on the open hardwood floor. His motion sent it sliding across the floor. Harley startled at it.

Donna, however, remained perfectly still. His anger didn’t scare her. HE didn’t scare her. Again she knew they were getting close to the truth.

“I want you to tell me what’s troubling you. Why does this thing with Penfield have you so tied up in knots?”

He laughed, but there was no humor in it. “What, are you my shrink now, Donna? You trying to get into my head?” The words stung as they left his mouth. He couldn’t believe he was saying them to her. 

‘Now he’s trying to hurt me so I’ll back off,’ she thought. He was hoping that she’d run away with her tail between her legs and then he’d apologize to her later. Well, those days were over. They’d both come too far. “No, I’m not your shrink,” she said gently. “And I’m not trying to get into your head. I’m the woman who loves you and is worried about you.”

Again, the truth of her words cut through him, through the anger. Unbidden, he felt the ugliness of that day rise out the depths of his memory. He slumped against the side of the fireplace. Now when he spoke there was no heat in his voice, only a pained torment. “They want me to talk about that day. The day you were hurt...the day Weaver called me.” His voice trailed off.

“Yes, that’s true,” she replied. “But why is that so hard? I sat next to you when Mike took your statement about the call with Weaver.”

“Mike only interviewed me for the part the Secret Service hadn’t recorded,” he replied. “But Penfield is going to ask me about the whole conversation. It’s the part that you haven’t heard yet, the part that was taped, that I don’t want to think about.”

“Tell me,” she told him.

“No.”

“Josh, it’s going to come out at the trial. They’ll play the tape in open court. I’m going to hear it then,” she pointed out.

“No.”

She frowned. “I’m not going to hear it then?”

“I don’t want you there when it comes up,” he told her quietly but with a steely firmness.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. I don’t want you there,” he repeated. “I’m going to do everything in my considerable power to have Penfield bar you from the courtroom during my testimony.”

“You can’t do that!”

“Oh, I can and I will!” he yelled back arrogantly.

“What the hell are you.....?” she began.

“It’s ugly!” he spat out as he pushed away from the fireplace and started to pace again. He kept his gaze focused anywhere but on her. He was afraid that if he looked at her, it would break him. “The things he said, the things he described, the things he did to you....they’re ugly and they’re in my head. Don’t you get it?!” he yelled. “Every day since that call I’ve HAD to bury it, HAD to forget it because it’s too much. It made me SO angry, that if I hadn’t buried it, I would have been no good to you. And now they want me to relive it all over again!” 

“Tell me,” she said again.

“NO!” He pleaded.

Getting off the couch, she went over and stood in front of him, blocking his path. Putting his face between her hands, she made him look at her. “I know what it is to carry around ugliness,” she told him, her voice firm and clear. “Ugliness so dark that it crawls under your skin and inside your brain like angry ants, until you want to slam your own head against the wall just to make it stop. In fact, as you’ll recall that’s exactly what I ended up doing.” Tears began to well in his eyes and she knew she was getting through to him. “I’m probably the only one that can understand how you feel.” She paused. “Now.....tell me.”

The words washed out of him in a black wave. “You were his first. He said he...he...” his voice caught on the words. “Hit you too...hard in the beginning. He said you just laid there and it made him mad because he wanted you to be awake...to know what he was doing. So he kept hitting you but it didn’t do any good,” he took a tearful breath. 

She hurt more for his pain than for what he was telling her. With her memory gaps his words didn’t have the power to hurt her. But his torment made her eyes burn with unshed tears. Her hands still framed his face and her eyes bore into him, “Let it out, Josh. Tell me all of it.”

“He...he...wasn’t planning to strangle you. He told me he was going to shoot you...from inside. But the gun jammed. That’s why you needed stitches. He said....he said he liked all the blood.” Tears had begun to trail slowly down his cheeks.

Donna blinked hard and kept her focus on Josh, but she wasn’t able to suppress a slight flinch at his words. She remembered getting the stitches but had never let herself consider the specific circumstances that had made them necessary.

Josh’s voice was close to crumbling as he continued. “Then at the end he said....that strangling you was an....epiphany....he felt the life drain out of you....” 

He heard his own voice break then and needing to ground himself in the fact that she was alive and well, his arms went around her and he felt hers tighten around him. Burying his face against her neck, he held onto her as if he was holding onto his very sanity. Together, still locked in an embrace, they sank to the floor. “Oh, God, Donna,” he ground out. “He could have killed you. I could have lost you that day.” 

And, she realized, that was a big part of what was really tearing at him. Remembering that day meant remembering how close he’d come to losing her. He’d lost so much in his life, his sister, his father and then almost losing the President at Rosslyn. She knew that he had an almost primal fear of losing those he loved. “I know, Josh,” she crooned as she cried with him. Cried for his grief and pain and all that Weaver had taken from both of them. “But I lived, I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere,” she assured him through her tears, as she rocked him slowly.

No one had ever loved her the way he did and even though the last months had been hell for both of them, they’d come out of it together. That thought made her cry harder because realized if Weaver had succeeded she could have missed it. Josh could have not only lost her but SHE could have lost Josh. Lost this thing they had that meant so much to her. 

By the time the storm had passed and both their tears began to run out, it had became unclear who had been crying harder and who was rocking whom.

Donna sniffed and chuckled softly as she ran her hand over the back of Josh’s head. “You and I are quite a pair, aren’t we? We both appear to be masters of repression.” 

Josh chuckled back. “Well, I guess you have a point there.”

With a smile, Donna took a breath and pulled back. “Now, here’s what we’re going to do,” she said, brushing a stray tear from his cheek. “First, when we get back to DC, you’re going to call Stanley and talk to him about that day.” 

Josh looked at her and knew she was right. He mimicked her earlier motion by brushing the remaining wetness from her cheek. “Yeah.”

“And second, I’m going to call Penfield and tell him you’re not testifying. If he makes a thing out it I’ll tell him...”

“No...” he started to interrupt.

She ran over him. “IF he makes a thing out of it, I’ll tell him I won’t testify either.” 

“No!” Josh said, shaking his head vehemently. “He’d just subpoena us.”

Donna continued anyway. “Josh, he doesn’t need either of our testimonies to seal this case. We’re icing. We’re a bonus. I’ll make him understand why we’re not doing it.”

“But why would you do that?” he asked. Then he took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “Testifying at the trial has been a personal crusade for you.”

She took his other hand in hers. “Because I don’t want you to testify if it’s going to hurt you this much. I refuse to let anything I do or anything because of me be the reason you put your hand through another window.” She paused. “Talk to me about it, talk to Stanley about it.....but don’t testify. I won’t think any less of you for it,” she said honestly

“But....”

“Josh, would you want me to testify if it was going too painful for me?” she asked him simply.

He looked at her for a long moment. “No..no, I wouldn’t. But.....,” he said with a sigh. “I know you’d do it anyway because it was the right thing to do.” He let that hang in the air for a moment. “You know, Sam told me that I should look at my testimony as a way to protect you. To stand up and speak for you when you couldn’t speak for yourself.”

“Sam’s pretty smart,” Donna said gently.

Josh smiled softly. “Yeah, I guess he is.” He rested his forehead against hers. “So when we get back to DC, I’ll call Stanley and I’ll work things out and I’ll testify.”

“And I’ll be right there with you all the way...including during your testimony,” Donna said. Josh waited a beat, then nodded in agreement. “Thank you, Josh,” she said in a whisper. They sat together quietly for a few moments. Then a stray thought entered Donna’s mind. “Josh?” she said, leaning back to look at him.

“Hmmm?”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier that this was bothering you so much?”

“Well, like I said, I didn’t want to think about it, even enough to talk to you about it.” He paused. “I also wanted to protect you from hearing what Weaver said,” he told her. “You’ve already been through so much.”

She looked at him for a minute. “Were those the only reasons you didn’t tell me?” 

He frowned. “Of course they were.”

“I mean....you don’t think....” her voice trailed off.

When she didn’t continue he prompted her. “What?” 

“Was part of the reason you didn’t tell me....was it because you think I’m still...still so fragile that I couldn’t help you? That you can’t talk to me about difficult things?”

Josh’s jaw dropped open. That had never even occurred to him. “No. God, Donna, no. I swear that had nothing to do with it.”

“ ’Cause I know I was pretty shaky there for a while and....”

“NO,” he said laying his hands on her shoulders and shaking her gently. “Seriously, Donna, you need to listen to me. You are the strongest person I know.”

“But...”

He didn’t let her finish. “But....nothing. YOU are the strongest person I know. The things you’ve survived in the last six months would have broken a lesser person. I know they sure would have broken me. You’ve been through hell. And yet you survived and, to me, you’ve flourished.”

His words warmed her deep inside and she smiled softly. “Thank you for that. I swear I wasn’t looking for a compliment, I just want....I just want us to be able to share things with each other. Good and bad. I already know that I can lean on you, in fact I depend on that, but I want you to feel like you can do the same with me.”

He laid his hand on her cheek to emphasize his words. “I do feel that way. You have no idea how much I depend on you. And I don’t just mean from when you were my assistant and made yourself...invaluable.” He smiled at her. “I mean now. You’re my center. You keep me grounded. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

She smiled and pulled him into a hug to let him know they were okay. “Well, luckily you’re never going to have to find out.”

**********

Later that night, Josh turned over and something pulled him up through the layers of sleep. The quiet snap of the fire that he’d lit in the bedroom fireplace before they’d gone to sleep tickled his ears. When he noticed that his arm was laying flat on the feather bed instead of slung across Donna’s waist the way they usually slept, he opened his eyes. As he suspected, her side of the bed was empty. Sitting up, he looked around sleepily. It was quiet and the glow from the fireplace was casting the room in long, golden edged shadows. The master bath off to his right was quiet and dark. Throwing back the covers, he slid out of bed. As he headed for the door, he looked toward the fireplace to see if it needed to be stoked and saw Donna sitting on the floor at the end of the bed, staring into the fire. Harley was laying near her by the hearth, asleep. He frowned and walked over to her. “Donna?” 

She looked up at him, “Hey.” 

Her eyes were dry but he saw something there that told him she had something on her mind. “What are you doing?”

“I was just thinking,” she answered quietly.

He dropped down beside her on the floor. “About what?”

“The fact that I’m about the biggest hypocrite in the world.” 

He frowned. “Why?”

She fiddled with the collar of the pajamas he’d given her for Christmas. “Because I sat out there in the living room today and told you that I wanted us to be honest and always share things with each other.”

Still not understanding, he continued to frown. “Right.”

“And as I was trying to fall asleep and failing miserably, it occurred to me that I haven’t been completely forthcoming with you about a couple of things.”

His frown deepened. “Like what?”

She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. “You remember when I said there were some things I was working through in therapy that Barbara said I needed to talk to you about but I haven’t been ready to?”

Their conversation at Christmas about that clicked in his head. She’d told him she was working on getting ready to make love with him. “Yeah, I remember. And I said I knew you’d tell me when you were ready.” 

“Right.” She paused. “Well, it also occurred to me that you weren’t exactly ready to tell me about Penfield and Weaver’s call and I made you tell me anyway. It’s pretty hypocritical for me to make you come clean about things when I’m not willing to do the same. So I think it’s time that I did.” 

It was on the tip of his tongue to say that she didn’t need to but he could see it was important to her. “Okay,” he said taking her hand. “Tell me what’s been on your mind.”

She took a breath. “I meant it when I said I want to do more than just sleep with you every night, Josh.” She paused for a moment. “Because I wanted to work towards being able to do that, I talked to Barbara about some concerns I had and she gave me suggestions on how I could handle them.”

Josh nodded, “Go on.”

“Well, first I was worried that I wouldn’t be...adequate.”

He grinned, “Not possible.”

Donna smiled in response. “Let me finish.”

“Kay, but it’s not possible,” he repeated.

She was still smiling as she began, “I’ve never made love with anyone before, Josh.” He frowned for a second in confusion, but she went on. “It was just sex before and it really didn’t mean a heck of a lot. And as you so eloquently pointed out once, with us it wouldn’t be just sex and I just didn’t want to disappoint...either of us.”

The frown had slid away and his grin had returned. “Again, I stand by my previous ‘not possible’ comment.”

She grinned now, wondering why she’d ever worried about it. “Well, Barbara kind of got me to realize that. She pointed out that the fact I was worried about it was a good sign and probably meant that inadequacy would not be an issue. That and the fact that she turned it around and asked me if I thought anything you could do in the bedroom would be inadequate.” She bumped her shoulder against his. “You’ll be happy to know that the ‘not possible’ response was a theme that day.” 

Josh grinned at that. “Good to know.”

They both chuckled at that for a moment, then Donna got serious. “Now we come to the big one.” She let out a breath. “I was worried that when we were making love I’d have some kind of flashback like I did in the Oval Office when I smelled the President’s cigarette. I thought it would be a serious blow to any physical relationship we’d want to have.”

Josh stared quietly into the fire, his expression unreadable. “What did Barbara have to say about that?” 

“Actually she told me that although it was a possibility, she didn’t feel it was a very high one.” She tightened her hand on his as she knew the words might be hard for him to hear. “Her theory was that I was most likely more unconscious during the rape than when he burned me because the rape happened first,” she said softly.

Josh tried to blot out the images her words threatened to bring up. “Oh,” was all he could think to say.

Donna decided the best thing to do was just to move on. “Then she told me that if I was still worried about it I should try and practice.”

That got his attention. “Practice?” he asked.

“Yeah. She said I should practice you and I making love.”

He raised his eyebrow. “And how does that work exactly?”

She had to smile at the interest in his voice. “Visualization.”

The eyebrow went a little higher and a little smirk joined in. “Visualization?”

“She told me to visualize what it would be like to make love with you and to make it as vivid as possible. What it would...” Donna felt a blush start to creep up her body. “...look like, feel like, sound like, smell like, taste like.”

Josh felt his entire body take notice of that. He found the thought of Donna ‘visualizing’ them together, very interesting and....arousing. “Really?”

The blush warmed her face. “Yeah. She said that it would not only help me to know if I’d have any kind of adverse reaction but it would also get me mentally ready to take that step.”

He watched her for a moment, “And how did it go?”

“It went well.” Then she grinned. “Really, really, REALLY well.”

He grinned with her, “Yeah?”

“Oh, yeah.”

They sat there quietly for a moment, the only sound in the room was the snapping of the fire. “Can I ask you something?” Josh asked her after a moment.

“Sure.”

“Why didn’t you want to tell me this before?”

Donna fingered the cuff of her pajama pant leg. “I was telling you the truth at Christmas when I told you I didn’t know why I couldn’t tell you. But while I was sitting here I gave it some thought and I think I finally know.”

“Care to share?”

She looked at him with a self-deprecating smile. “It’s pretty stupid.”

“Let me be the judge of that,” he told her with a grin.

“Well, things have been going too well for us....between us. I think that no matter how much I wanted to explore the physical side of our relationship, and believe me when I say I do want to explore it, I was afraid that if I told you about my concerns and we talked about it and worked through it and moved things forward that it would have wrecked it. Kind of like I didn’t want to rock the boat. I suppose Barbara would say that was because sex has had a negative connotation for me in the past.” She shrugged. “See, like I said, it’s pretty stupid.”

Josh squeezed her hand. “No, of course it’s not stupid. But I also don’t think it would wreck things for us. In any case, Donna, I don’t want to rush this. If you’re not 100% sure, if there’s any doubt in your mind then we should wait. I mean, it took us six years to get this far. A few more months won’t kill me.”

“No, but it might kill me,” she blurted softly. “It’s been on my mind more and more lately and sitting here thinking about it tonight really seemed to cement it for me. I think that the fact that I was able to finally tell you what been going on with me is a sign that I’m ready. Josh, you’ve done everything to not pressure me about this, and I appreciate it. I mean you’ve gone beyond no pressuring into anti-pressuring. But it’s time for me to move forward. I want this. Part of me has wanted it since the day I met you.”

She traced her finger across the back of his hand. “But things being what they were when I worked for you and being in the fish bowl of the White House, it just didn’t feel right. And then the attack and what followed happened and I thought that it had died and I’d never want it again. But what I’ve come to see is that it didn’t die, it just....went to sleep. It was healing like the rest of me and because of your patience and your support, it’s come back. Josh, you’re the only one I want. And I want to make love with you.”

When Josh continued to look into the fire and he didn’t say anything right away, another thought broke into her mind. “Unless you have doubts,” she said then frowned. “Josh, I’m not pressuring you, am I? I mean, I’m ready but if you’re not then we can absolutely wait.”

Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back and rested it on the bed for a moment. Then he sighed and looked at her. “You’re not alone in the wanting department, Donna, and like you, the fact that we worked together, and in the White House no less, made me keep my hormones under tight lock and key too.”

In his profile she saw him smile grimly. “And then your attack happened and I realized that all the work stuff didn’t matter. What mattered was that I nearly lost you and I’d never told you how much you meant to me.” He looked at her now, the honesty naked in his eyes. “Or how much I wanted you. But with everything you were going through, that was the last thing you needed to hear.” He paused. “So I decided that even if we came out of this with nothing more than our friendship intact, which in itself is something I value above anything else, I wasn’t going to let anything stop me from showing you how much you mean to me.”

She ran her hand over his head. “You succeeded,” she whispered. “No one, not even you before the attack, ever made me feel so safe and loved and protected.”

“Donna, you know how much I hate to admit this, but I’m scared.”

“Why?” she asked softly and without reproach.

He smiled humorlessly. “Pretty much for the same reasons you’ve already named. Because I’m afraid that we’ll rush things or that I’ll screw something up or I’ll hurt you. If you’ll recall my track record with relationships is not exactly stellar.” He ground the heels of his hands into his eyes. Not from tears but from slight frustration and the fact that he was scared to look at her when he said the next part. “And I’m scared that when I touch you....that when I make love to you, you’ll see...” he had a hard time saying the words. “That it will bring back bad memories....” 

There was something fundamentally comforting to Donna about the fact that they were having the same concerns. Reaching out, she covered his wrists with her hands and pulled his hands away from his face. His eyes were sad and a little scared, as if he was worried about her response. 

“Josh, don’t let my uncle and Weaver come between us.” She paused. “I’ve done that enough for both of us. My memories of what happened with my uncle are from a child’s point of view, and as painful as they are, I’m not a child anymore. The images are more like watching a really terrifying movie, made all the more real and scary by the fact that I’m the star and it really happened. But what I’ve come to see is they’re not who I am now. And as for my memories of the attack, they are so shadowy and indistinct that they don’t hold much power over me. It’s the idea of what happened to me that’s scary. When we were in Manchester, you told me that each time you let people who have hurt you make you feel powerless and less than you are, you’re giving them power.” She took a breath. “Josh, if you let them come between us you give them power and you let them victimize both of us.” She laid her hand on his cheek. “When you touch me....when you hold me, there’s no one there but you and me. Do you understand?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly with a nod.

Leaning forward, her mouth hovered over his. “Make love with me, Josh,” she said softly. “Here. Now. Tonight.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 44 - ADULT

Josh felt his breath catch as the love and desire he felt for her tangled into a big knot in his chest. Rather than trying to form a verbal response, he slowly raised his hand and brushed it softly over her cheek. With a smile, he slid it into the hair at the nape of her neck and pulled her closer. He teased her lips with his, touching and brushing them together in the lightest of caresses. Then his hands gently framed her face and she went very still, waiting for him, trusting him, to make the next move. He could feel her breath, slightly quickened in anticipation, rush over his mouth. Slowly, he brought his lips to down to hers and they came together in a heated and thorough kiss. A tiny sigh escaped her as his tongue flicked out to trace her bottom lip and her mouth opened for him automatically.

Donna knew that Josh was amazing kisser but this was somehow different. It was as if before he’d held something back to avoid pressing her too far or making things too heated. But that boundary wasn’t there anymore and she knew that this was the way he was always meant to kiss her. His kisses went through her like a slow burning fire, heating and igniting all corners of her body. 

Feeling her respond, his arms went around her, pulling her into his lap and cradling her close as the kisses continued. Then abruptly, Josh broke off with a frown. “Wait.”

It took her a second to find her breath and her voice after such a mind-numbing kiss. “What’s wrong?”

He looked down at her and almost forget what he was going to say. She was looking up at him, her eyes full of heat and desire, her lips damp and swollen from his kisses, and her face touched with firelight. “You are so beautiful,” he murmured, tracing a finger down her cheek.

Donna felt the breath flutter in her chest. When he looked at her like that, with heat and adoration in his gaze, she felt beautiful and wanton and like she never wanted to be anywhere but in his arms. “I love when you bring the compliments,” she whispered, with just the hint of a smile. “But did you stop kissing me just to say that? ‘Cause you bring the kissing even better than you bring the compliments.”

Her words made him smirk. “You’re a fan of the kissing, huh?”

“A big fan,” she replied with her own smile. “So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to it.”

Then he remembered what he had stopped to say in the first place and his smirk was replaced with a frown again. “Um...Donna?”

Now she saw that he did have something on his mind. “What is it?” she asked softly.

“I didn’t plan...I didn’t expect....” He sighed. “I didn’t bring any condoms.”

She looked at him, her heart swelling even more in her chest, which she didn’t think was possible. He was playing the responsible and protective lover card. “Josh,” she began softly. “I’m on the pill. I had to go off it for a while after the attack while I was taking the other medications but I’ve been back on it for months.” She paused. “And I had my six month round of blood tests when Abbey took me to the doctor a couple of weeks ago and everything came back negative.”

Ever since the attack she’d taken a myriad of blood tests to make sure she hadn’t caught anything from Weaver. She ran the back of her hand over his jaw. “I’ll understand if you want to wait until we get them, but I’m okay without them.” She paused. “I’d never had unprotected sex before...well, before the attack.” She looked up at him for a long moment. “I’d kind of like there to be nothing between us.”

Josh looked down at her, appreciating her honesty but knowing it had probably been a little hard for her to tell him all that. Placing his hand over hers where it rested on his jaw, he turned his head and placed a kiss in her palm. “I’d like that too.” For a moment, the only sound was the fire snapping and hissing softly beside them. “Is there anything else I should know?” At her confused frown he explained. “Are you all healed...inside?”

She nodded. “Yeah. At my check-up a couple of weeks ago things were good. When I was in the hospital, Dr. Holden told me I had to wait 2 to 3 months after the attack.” Her eyes stared at him trustingly. “It would probably a good idea if we take things slow though. I may be a little....tight from the stitches.”

“I’d planned to do that anyway.” He placed more tender kisses in her palm and then trailed them over her wrist and the inside of her forearm. “We’ve waited too long to rush this now.”

“I like the way you think,” she said softly as she watched him. She didn’t know that sight of someone simply kissing her arm, could be so...erotic. “But can I make a suggestion?”

He stopped kissing her arm and looked up at her. “Sure.”

“The floor is hard and the bed is big and soft.” A suggestive little smirk raised the corner of her mouth. “Why don’t we take advantage of it?”

His dimples flashed as he grinned at her. “Talk about liking the way someone thinks.” He started to shift her so he could pick her up, but Donna clamored out of his lap before he could. “Wait...” he said disappointedly. He wanted to make the grand gesture of scooping her up off the floor.

“As much as I appreciate the thought, Joshua, I have plans that require your body being in good working order, so I’m not going to let you throw your back out trying to pick me up off the floor.”

He looked up at her. “You have plans?”

She reached her hand out to help him stand up. “Did you not hear me mention the visualizing?”

“I do seem to remember hearing you say something about it,” he replied with a smirk. Latching onto her hand, he pulled himself off the floor and rubbed his butt. “By the way, good call on nixing the floor. My butt was already going to sleep.” 

Before she could think of a good comment to that, he’d swung her up into his arms. “You’re crazy, you know that?” she said with a laugh. Actually she liked the feeling of being carried in his arms. 

“Well, picking you up off the floor might have been a little crazy, but when you’re standing it’s a no brainer.” He carried her over to the bed and laid her down in the middle of it. 

She sank down into the deep pillow feather bed. “Have I mentioned how much I love this bed?” she asked him as he stood next to the bed watching her with a gentle smile on his face.

“Hopefully, we’ll soon find all new reasons for you to like it,” he said with a little smirk as he sat down next to her. She smiled at him and they were both quiet for a moment as they simply stared into each other’s eyes. He reached out and gently traced the exposed skin in the V of her collar with the tip of his finger. “Would it shock you to know that the first time I saw you wearing these, I had a number of very lustful images in which I was slowly removing them from your body?” he said softly. 

His words made her heart beat quick and heavy in her chest and the light touch of his finger had set her body tingling. “Why, Mr. Lyman, you do make me blush,” she teased him. 

“I’ve had images of the blushing too,” he told her. “I’ve long wondered if that alabaster skin of yours blushes all over.”

“I can see you’ve been busy with the images,” she replied, trying to tease him but finding herself too aroused to bring it off properly.

“You’re not the only one who can visualize,” he said with a smirk, as his finger continued it’s lazy exploration of the skin at the V of her collar.

The skin under his finger was burning with awareness. “I guess you’ll just have to get my clothes off so you can verify if your images of the blushing match the reality,” she replied.

“Funny you should mention that. I was just thinking the same thing.” This time when his fingers reached the V of her collar, they strayed further down to the first button of her top and he gently slid the button from the hole and he parted the material. His fingers then traced the newly revealed strip of her smooth skin. 

Donna felt the ability to breathe take a vacation as his fingers slowly made their way down the front of her pajama top until all the buttons were undone. He’d only spread the material about two inches to form a path down her torso. Leaning forward he placed his lips on her skin where the V of her collar had been and began to cover the path in soft kisses. He lingered on the area between her breasts, teasing the sides of the round globes as they peeked out from under the edge of the material. Every bone in her body felt like it was slowly liquefying. 

His finger ran down the center of her torso. “Well, I see that there is some blushing along the middle here but I’m going to have to investigate further just be...thorough.”

“I’ve always appreciated your thoroughness,” she whispered.

With a smile, his hands moved to the valley between her breasts. Hooking a finger under the material he drew both halves of her pajama top all the way back. The feeling of his fingers brushing over her breasts and the touch of the slightly cooler air rushing over them, made her nipples come to attention. The heat of his gaze didn’t hurt either.

“Now, see...” he said laying his palm under the curve of her breast while his thumb brushed over the stiff rosy peak. “I was right. You’ve got some major blushing going on.” 

Rather than a snappy retort, Donna was quiet and her eyes, full of hunger, watched him intently. “I like it when you touch me like that,” she said quietly.

Her voice had taken on a breathy, almost purring quality that seemed to go right through him. “You do, huh?” he asked her. “How about this?” Leaning forward, he lowered his mouth until it hovered over the tip of her breast. His tongue slid out and slowly traced the entire surface of the rosy peak.

The feeling of his warm, wet tongue on her nipple sent waves of heat through her and made her back arch involuntarily to be closer to him. “Oh, yes.” she sighed. There was just enough muscle control left in her arm to raise her hand to his head and urge him to continue.

Hearing her sigh and feeling her hand in his hair, he smiled. “How about this?” he said as he captured the entire areola of her breast in his mouth, suckling it gently. His hand moved to occupy her other breast by alternately brushing his thumb over the peak and then rolling it between his fingers. This time the only response he got from her was a low moan and her fingers moving restlessly through his hair.

It was the oddest feeling to have him all but feasting on her breast when she was technically still wearing all her clothes but somehow that made it all the more erotic. Of course, she was also about at the point where she wanted to rip the rest of her clothes off. Anything against her skin that wasn’t Josh seemed unnatural and....unnecessary. With her back arched against his mouth, she tried to shimmy out of her top.

Josh understood what she was doing and without breaking his mouth’s contact with her breast, he slid his hands around under her top to the smooth expanse of her back and lifted her into up into a sitting position. As he held her up, she shrugged the top off and tossed it aside. Easing her back down on the bed, he brushed his slightly stubbly cheek over her breast. “Better?” he asked as he felt her hand return to his hair.

The rasp of his rough cheek over her skin sent an almost electric jolt through her and she trembled under him. “Oh, God, yes.”

Smiling again at the desire and breathless quality in her voice, he ran his hands over her now bare arms and shoulders. Itching to enjoy all the newly exposed skin, he ran his hands slowly down the sides of her bare torso. 

“That tickles,” she said, squirming a bit as a soft giggle rippled through her. 

“Good to know,” he said with a chuckle as he leaned in to kiss her smiling mouth. He spent the next few minutes ravaging her very kissable mouth as his hands moved freely over her upper body. 

Josh hadn’t been the only one with busy hands. Donna’s had been doing a good bit of roaming as well. Through his hair and then over his shoulders, back and arms that were still encased in the t-shirt he’d worn to bed. “You’re wearing too many clothes,” she said with a little pout as he moved his mouth back down to her breast.

“I was thinking the same thing about you,” he said, moving his hand lower to tease the waist band of her pajama bottoms.

“Please, Josh,” she whispered. Her hands were at his waist, handfuls of the hem of his t-shirt were bunched in them.

Her tone, soft and full of need, made him stop the attention he was giving to her breast. Looking up at her, he nodded. Donna sat up and tugged the t-shirt up and off of him, tossing it in the same general direction as her top. Then she just let her hands roam over him as his had roamed her earlier. The broad planes of his shoulders. The wide expanse of his chest and back. The rolling strength of his muscular arms. The light brown wiry hair that peppered his chest and trailed into a line that disappeared beneath the waistband of his sweat pants. The long, white surgical scar that bisected his chest and its round, jagged bullet hole cousin that gave testimony to the fact that he’d survived his own nightmare to be there with her. She wanted to touch to all, remember it all in perfect clarity. When just touching him wasn’t enough she began kissing every patch of skin she could reach.

As she feasted on his neck and his earlobe, Donna put her arms around Josh and laid back on the bed, pulling him with her. The weight of his upper body pressed her into the feather bed and his chest rubbed against her breasts deliciously. It also thrilled her to feel the evidence of his erection pressing against her hip. Needs and desires, so long suppressed, spilled out of both of them in a rush. They were a tangle of long limbs and hungry mouths as they competed to see who could touch and nip and taste the most. Who could find the most sensitive spots on the other’s body. It was a little like swimming in a golden haze of sensation. 

Needing to feel and see more of her, Josh’s mouth made it’s way down her torso again until he hovered over the bow she’d tied at the waistband of her drawstring pajama bottoms. His hands rested at her waistband and he took one end of the drawstring in his teeth. Then his eyes locked with hers and he slowly pulled the bow out. But there he stopped, staring at her intently for a sign that he should continue what he had planned.

She watched him, her body feeling warm, liquid and still tingling from his attention. One arm was thrown over her head carelessly, while the other rested on her stomach. She looked like a woman in the process of being well and thoroughly loved. Her eyes watched him for a moment, then, in a silent show of agreement and infinite trust, she lifted her hips.

Sliding his hands under the fabric at her hips, his fingers caught the waistband of her pajamas bottoms and the blue cotton panties she was wearing underneath and he gently tugged them both off in one smooth motion. Even though she’d done it surreptitiously, it hadn’t escaped his attention that as the material had slid off, the hand resting on her stomach had moved down to cover the spot on her hip where the scar from her burn was located.

Tossing her clothes aside, he turned back to her. She was watching him quietly but he could see just the shadow of self-doubt lingering in her eyes. He imagined she was self-conscious about her body but to him there was no need to be. As she laid on the bed, the golden firelight caressing her skin, he’d never seen anyone or anything so beautiful. Leaning down he pressed a tender kiss to her abdomen.

“You take my breath away, Donna,” he said softly. His heart warmed to see the shadow fade from her eyes and a smile soften her mouth. Trailing kisses across her abdomen he moved to where her hand rested on her hip. He kissed the back of each finger and then the back of her hand. “Can I see it?” he whispered.

Almost unconsciously, Donna’s hand clenched into a loose fist and pressed down over the scar. She swallowed hard, her heart pounding loud in her ears. “It’s....I can’t....I don’t look at it.”

He feathered kisses over the now prominent knuckles on the back of her hand. “It’s okay,” he whispered. Letting out a soft breath, he leaned across her and propped his head on his hand, while he laid the other hand over hers on her hip. “One of the hardest things about being shot,” he began softly. “Besides the PTSD, was having to see my scar in the mirror.” Donna started to say something but he stopped her. “Let me say this.” He let out a breath. 

“For the longest time I didn’t look at it...couldn’t look at it. Even when I was alone, the only time it was uncovered was when I showered. Amy never saw it,” he added quietly. “But after a while, a long while, I came to see that it was a little like my own purple heart. And while I wasn’t going to strut around without my shirt on so everyone else could see it, having it was kind of like shaking my fist at the bastards that had tried to use their hate and fear to attack Charlie and were probably just as happy they got me instead. But I cheated them. I lived.” He was quiet for a moment. “It also occurred to me that the same kind of hate was used against my grandfather, my family and a host of other people in Europe during the war and it cost them their lives. In light of that, a scar didn’t seem like so much to live with.”

Tears had pooled in Donna’s eyes. She thought for a moment about the other women who’d been burned with the same mark she carried. They’d paid with their lives too. “I’m sorry,” she whispered. 

He squeezed her fist. “I didn’t tell you that to make you sorry. It’s a hard thing, I know how hard it is. Just like you told me yesterday that you understood how it felt to carry around something ugly inside of you, I know what it is to carry around scars.” He was quiet for a moment. “Donna, I plan on learning every square inch of your body,” he said, his voice low and tender. “I want to know every curve and bump and freckle and pore and....scar. And when I’m done I’m going to go back and do it all over again. That scar is part of you and I love it just like I love the rest of you.”

His words went straight to her heart and Donna felt like it would burst from her chest. The self-consciousness she felt about the scar seemed pretty silly in light of the love in his words and love shining in his eyes for her. Under his hand, her fist slowly unclenched and then flattened out. After a moment it slid out from under his and using the tip of her index finger she reached out to trace the length of his surgical scar. 

“I’m glad you lived because I want to learn every inch of you, too,” she whispered with tears in her voice as her finger continued to idly trace the scar. Then she drew her hand back and laid it on her stomach in a wordless signal to him that it was all right.

Even though Donna had removed her hand, Josh’s hand had remained protectively over the spot on her hip. He watched her for a moment and then moved it to the side. Looking down, he studied the scar, or more accurately scars, for a moment. After six months, they were well healed, of course, but the seven small round disks, in the shape of a smiling face, still stood out vividly against her alabaster skin. They were still a fairly dark tannish pink and ever so slightly puckered, not having been there long enough to fade to a lighter color. Gently, he ran the pads of his fingertips over them and felt her shiver slightly. He looked up at her questioningly.

“It tickled a little,” she explained with a tiny smile. “I guess the skin is still a little sensitive.”

“How about when I do this?” he said with a smile as he lowered his mouth to her hip and kissed and nibbled tenderly at each of the spots. Once again he felt her hand playing in his hair. It was quickly becoming one his favorite sensations. 

The sight and feel of him so thoroughly loving the spot that had caused her so much private pain made her throat close up for a moment. “It doesn’t tickle,” she said softly. “It feels great.” 

“How about this?” He moved a bit lower until his mouth and his hands were moving gently over the scars on the top of her thighs. The ones she’d inflicted on herself. He traced each one with the tip of his finger and then ran his mouth over them tenderly.

She watched him, her heart doing sumersaults in her chest. “That’s pretty great too,” she said around the lump in her throat. “So great in fact I’m hoping you’ll get rid of the rest of your clothes so we can move things along.”

Josh grinned at her, making his dimples jump out. Rolling off the bed, he shucked off his sweats and the boxers he was wearing underneath. When he moved to join her on the bed, Donna held up her hand. “Wait,” she said.

“What?” he asked her with a frown.

“I want to look at you for a minute,” she said with a smirk. “You’re not the only one who likes to enjoy the view.” With the fire dancing behind him and a body that was a study in firm planes and muscled angles, he looked like some pagan fire god there to ravage her. Sitting up on the bed she reached out to touch him. “You know I wondered where that strip of hair went,” she said as she traced the fine line of hair that trailed down his stomach to his groin. Her hand ran over the hard length of him, enjoying the catch she heard in his breathing and the way he pressed himself into her touch.

“Have I ever mentioned that I think your curiosity is one of your best qualities?” he said, his voice heavy with what her touch was doing to him.

“No, I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned your love of my enquiring mind.” Slowly, she dropped her hand away from him and laid back down on the bed. With a grin, she crooked her finger at him in a ‘come hither’ motion.

Josh didn’t need to be told twice and he slid into bed beside her. As they lay on their sides, he pulled her body in close to his and stroked his hand over her cheek, “I love you, Donnatella Moss.”

“Show me,” she whispered as she rolled onto her back to bring the weight of him down on her again.

Leaning in, he captured her mouth in a searing kiss. His hands skimmed over her shoulders and under her back to hold her close as he placed kisses along the column of her throat and across her collarbone. Then he smiled as he felt her heart beating strong and fast under his lips when he pressed kisses against her breast bone. Shifting, he nudged her legs apart by slipping a knee between them. Then he moved his hand slowly down her torso to the golden tangle of curls that covered the apex of her thighs. His fingers teased the curls for a moment then slid in to stroke her gently. She was hot and wet and a moan went through her as his fingers circled and teased her clit.

Donna’s body seemed to move independently of any thought on her part. It was as if Josh’s fingers were pressing buttons that set off automatic, instinctual responses in her. Ones that she’d never had before. No one had ever touched her in quite the same way or had made her body feel like he did. It was a little overwhelming but in the best of ways. In ways that on one level she knew she would always remember but on another level she knew she wouldn’t have to because it would always be like this for them. As his thumb stayed focused on her clit and his fingers moved lower to slide inside her, she lost the ability to do anything but surrender to him and let him pleasure her. “God, Josh,” she said in a breathless whisper. “I....please....” Words failed her as sensation built on top of sensation in her body. She bit down on her lip and her hand gripped his upper arm, her nails digging into his flesh as he brought her right to the edge.

Unhurried in his rhythm as he continued to touch and stroke her, Josh watched her now, watched the passion that stormed through her eyes and the feeling that drew her body into a tight bow under his hands. “Let go, Donna. Come for me.”

Donna’s breath caught in her chest as his words and his touch pushed her over the first peak. “Josh!” she cried out to him as she clenched around his clever, busy fingers and her body writhed as the orgasm tore through her.

Josh’s touch slowed as she came down and her breathing began to even out. Pressing soft kisses along her torso, he moved back up to lay next to her. “How you doin’ there, Donnatella?” he asked running a fingertip along her shoulder.

“Wow, that was....you’re really good at that,” she said, still a little breathless.

He grinned, “Aren’t you afraid I’m going to get a swelled head if you say things like that?”

Donna smirked and slid her hand down between them to stroke him, “I think it’s safe to say that your head is already pretty swelled.”

His hips automatically pressed against her hand. “Well, you have a point there,” he ground out, trying to smirk but failing. Her touch was driving him crazy. “You know, you’re pretty good at that yourself.”

Enjoying the fact that she’d kind of turned the tables on him, her hand stayed busy as she began to nibble her way across his chest and then up along his neck, finally stopping at the spot right behind his ear lobe that she knew he liked and making him moan.

With a low groan, Josh slid his hand down to take hold of her wrist. “As much as I like what you’re doing,” he said, pulling her hand to his mouth and kissing it tenderly. “I’m not ready for the evening to be over just yet. Especially not like that.” Taking her into his arms, he rolled them so she wound up on top of him. He thought that under the circumstances it might be a good idea if she controlled things. There was also the fact that he liked the idea of her on top. “Besides you haven’t had your way with me yet.”

Earlier, the feeling of him pressing her into the mattress had been sensuous and wonderful, but now the feeling of his body laying firm and solid beneath hers felt heady and thrilling in a whole new way. There was a certain feminine power in it and suddenly having her way with him was exactly what she wanted to do. “Well then, I can’t waste such a golden opportunity now, can I?” she said with a grin. “Now, what should I do to you first?” she said with a soft little smirk. 

Framing his face in her hands she languidly traced his bottom lip with her tongue, then she nibbled at it like it was the finest dessert. As her tongue slid into his mouth to taste and tease, her legs, originally tangled with his, shifted and opened so she straddled him. She wiggled her hips against his and felt the hard length of him settle deep against her center.

Josh grunted as his groin rubbed against her slick, wet heat. “God, Donna, you’re going to kill me,” he managed to say between the drugging kisses she was giving him.

She laughed softly and continued to grind her hips against him slowly. “Like I said, I have many plans for you tonight, but none of them involve you being anything but very, very much alive.”

He smirked up at her. “Well, that’s a relief.”

The laughter faded from her eyes and was replaced by something much deeper as she brushed her thumb over his cheek. “I love you, Joshua Lyman.”

“Show me,” he replied softly, echoing her earlier words.

After capturing his mouth again in a long, slow kiss, Donna slowly sat up, the firelight turning her hair into a golden fire and tracing her body in a golden halo. Raising up a bit, she moved her hand between them and grasped him in her palm. He was slick with her wetness and it thrilled her in an almost primal way. Her eyes locked with his as she began to slowly guide him inside her. As he slid deeper into her, she reached out and gripped his hands in hers. 

Her head fell forward and her eyes closed as he filled her fully and she savored the moment. She’d been a little worried that it would be uncomfortable from the stitches she’d had, but all she felt was her body stretching slightly to accommodate him. It was an amazing moment and her heart clenched unexpectedly as it washed over her. Josh was inside her, filling her body like he’d already filled her heart and her life. It was like every dream about loving and being loved she’d ever had, had come true with him and because of him. Unbidden tears emerged from under her lashes.

Gripping her hands, Josh watched her head fall forward as she slid down onto him. He let her control the motion, knowing she would be the best judge of what her body wanted and could take. Although it was a recurring theme, he couldn’t stop thinking how beautiful she looked. All long golden shadows and smooth alabaster skin. Being inside her felt like nothing he’d known before. She felt incredible, hot and tight and slick and like she was made just to fit him. But it was the emotional connection he made with her that took the feeling of being with her from amazing and made it...indescribable. 

Donna’s head came up and he saw her eyes flicker open as she looked down at him. The tears he saw trailing down her cheeks made his heart stop. “God, Donna. Please don’t cry,” he said, worried that what they were doing was causing her some kind of physical or emotional pain. That was the last thing he wanted. “Please,” he begged. “It’s okay. We don’t have to do this.”

Donna smiled at him. She hadn’t even realized she was crying but she felt the wetness on her cheeks now. She released his hands and leaned forward as he continued to try and comfort her. “Shhhh,” she said laying a finger gently over his mouth to quiet him. “You don’t understand. They good tears,” she whispered. “They make me feel clean. You make me feel clean and whole.” Their bodies still joined, her mouth hovered above his again. “Don’t you see? It’s so right. I didn’t know...I didn’t realize it could be like this.” Another tear had begun to trail down her cheek.

Josh’s breath caught as he looked at the astounding woman before him. The fact that she’d overcome so many things to be here with him at that moment made his throat close for a moment. Raising his hand to her cheek he brushed away the tear tenderly. “I didn’t know, either,” he said softly. Then his hand slid around behind her neck and pulled her in for a kiss. It was slow and steamy and his tongue lapped at hers like a thirsty man finding cool water in an endless desert.

After a moment, she pulled away from the kiss and looked down at him. Planting her hands on either side of him, she sat up slightly and began to move over him in slow, rocking thrusts. His hands gripped her waist, urging her on. The friction of their bodies moving against each other was delicious and he seemed to hit just the right spot deep inside her. Her breath quickened as heat and pleasure spread through her body like fire.

He matched her rhythm, thrust for thrust. The feeling of her body surrounding him like a hot, wet fist was overpowering and blotted out everything but the need to mate with her. “Oh, yeah,” he ground out. “Faster, Donna,” he begged.

Thrilled by the need in his voice, Donna leaned forward a bit farther and obliged him by picking up the pace. She had to admit, faster was definitely a good idea. It, combined with the new angle, had her teetering right on the edge of another orgasm in no time. “Josh....” she gasped.

“Yeah...?” he grunted.

“Are you...?”

His breath was coming in quick bursts. “Oh, yeah. You?” he managed.

“God, yes,” she moaned. Her back arched as every atom in her body seemed to come to a flashpoint. “Josh...Oh, my God....JOSH!” she cried as the world shattered around her and the orgasm ripped through her. 

Josh saw the orgasm wash through her, watched the pleasure take her under, and it drove him over the edge. “Yes, Donna...DONNA!” he ground out her name like a mantra. It felt a lot like he’d grabbed an live electrical wire. As if every nerve in his body was standing on end. Gripping her hips, he drove himself up into her and came, hard and deep, inside her.

Donna fell forward onto his chest and he had just enough energy left to put his arms around her. They lay there for a few moments, both spent, their breathing slowing in tandem. She rested her cheek against his chest and listened to his heart as it began to slow to a normal rhythm. The sound of it simply made her happy beyond words. She started to shift some of her weight off him but he just tightened his hold on her. 

“Where are you going?” he asked with a satisfied smirk in his voice.

Raising her head, she looked at him and grinned. “I just thought I might be squishing you.”

He chuckled. “Well, you are but I like it.” He ran his hand gently through her hair, clearing it away from her face. “You’re just fine where you are.” 

Settling herself back against him, she laid her head on his shoulder. “You’re spoiling me, you know.”

“Oh? And how’s that?”

Although their earlier activities had softened him quite a bit, she could still feel him inside her and she wiggled her hips against him with a grin. “You did that so well, I’m afraid that I’m going to be kind of demanding when it comes to repeat performances.”

His hands moved to cup her butt and pull her hips in tighter to his. “Well, then it sounds like I’m going to be the one getting spoiled.”

“I guess it will just be a win, win situation for both of us,” she said with a grin, enjoying the feel of his hands on her butt. 

“Sounds like a plan to me,” he said as he drew her mouth to his for a kiss.

When they finished the kiss, Donna laid her head back on his shoulder and traced his chest in random patterns with her finger. “I guess that puts the idea of....bad memories to rest,” she said after a moment.

His arms tightened around her for a moment. “Yeah, I guess it does.”

Donna lay still in his arms for a moment. “Although....” she began, then trailed off.

“What?” Josh said with a little frown.

“Well....I was just thinking. To be sure...I mean REALLY sure, we probably should try a couple of different....positions.”

He looked down at her upturned face. Her mouth was crooked up in a little smirk and it made him grin. “Well, we’d need to be sure.”

“Being sure is good,” she grinned. Wiggling her hips again, she noticed that he’d already started getting hard again. “Hmmm, correct me if I’m wrong,” she said, running her hand through his hair. “But my sources are telling me that you may be ready to try out those positions....soon.”

He smirked up at her. “I think I’d even be will to go so far as to say, ‘very soon.’” He couldn’t remember a time when he’d been ready again so soon. If he’d been able to walk, he’d be swaggering.

“Oh, good,” she said with a dramatic sigh. Wrapping her arms around him and tightening her knees around his hips, she managed to roll them over, while still keeping him warm and snug inside her. Her legs slid up around his waist, settling him even deeper inside her. “’Cause my butt was getting cold. It’s your turn to be on top for a while.”

Josh levered himself up on his elbows so he could look down at her. “But now you’re the one getting squished,” he pointed out with a smirk that seemed permanently etched into his face.

“Yeah, but I like it. You’re fine right where you are,” she said with a grin as she gave him a light smack on the butt.

“Kay,” he said, his expression softening. Being with her, like this, felt so right, so...natural. He brushed a hand over her cheek. “I’m sorry it took so long for this to happen for us,” he said gently. “I should have told you a long time ago, way before the thing happened, how I felt about you.”

Donna watched him for a moment, her eyes large and blue in the dying firelight. “No, Josh. No regrets,” she said gently. “We weren’t ready. The time wasn’t right. We both had issues to work out and things to learn before it was right for us.”

“I know you’re right,” he said quietly. “I guess I’m just thinking about all the time we wasted. All the time we could have been together.” He leaned in and kissed her shoulder tenderly. “All the time we could have had moments like this.”

“I’m glad we waited,” she told him. Running a hand through his hair, she enjoyed the silky feel of his curls sliding through her fingers. “Because now it will be forever. If we’d tried things before we were ready and then one or both of us had screwed it up and I’d lost you,” her voice trailed off as she had to swallow the sudden lump in her throat. “I don’t think I could have survived that.” She tried to smile, but it didn’t quite make it to her eyes. “And as we know I can apparently survive a lot.”

He looked down at her. This woman that had walked into his life and captured his heart so completely, filling the empty places he didn’t even know he had. “I know I wouldn’t have survived it.” He paused. “Donna, if you don’t know it by now, you saved me. And I don’t mean after Rosslyn, although God knows you did that too. But you saved me from being hard and alone. Saved me from living only half a life because you weren’t there to make me laugh and to be my heart.”

“We saved each other,” she said softly, his words touching her deeply. Donna laid her hand on his chest and she could feel his heart beating strong and true. “We have now, Josh. And we have every day from now on. What’s important is that we make the most of it and don’t waste the chance we’ve been given.”

“Yeah,” he said, then let out a long breath. “Yeah.”

“So, no regrets?”

He traced his fingers along her jaw. “No regrets.”

Her eyes ran over his face, memorizing every line, wanting to remember the moment forever. “Make love to me, Josh.”

He didn’t bother with words this time. Leaning in, he captured her mouth in a slow, devouring kiss. Then he covered her face in soft, gentle kisses. Moving to her neck he licked and nipped and teased her flesh, finding all the spots he knew she liked. His hand found her breast and he discovered that he still had a slight callous on his thumb from chopping wood in Manchester that made her tremble when he brushed it over her nipple. Her breath became a soft moan in his ear. Taking it as encouragement, his eyes locked with her and he began to move inside her. With infinitely slow, long, fluid strokes he loved her. Pulling almost all the way out before sliding deeply back into her. She said his name like a prayer, reverent and full of joy. 

Donna had definitely enjoyed it when their positions had been reversed earlier and she had the upper hand, but this was something different. Being under him like this was about relinquishing control, being absolutely vulnerable to him, emotionally and physically, and yet knowing he would never hurt her, never take advantage of that vulnerability. Even when she’d been with others physically, she’d never let herself be that vulnerable. Even if it had only been emotionally, she’d always held something back. Had always been ready for the time when they would hurt her or leave her or use her. But with Josh, she’d left herself open and exposed and rather than scaring her, it was the most amazing experience of her life. 

She was also by no means a passive participant. Her hands ranged over him, loving the strong planes of his back, his arms and his chest, as his muscles bunched and flexed when he moved. His kisses washed through her like sunshine, sending rays of heat and little shocks of sensation through her. The touch of his calloused hand on her breast sent a jolt directly from her nipple to her center. The scent of him, the scent of the only true mate she would ever have, surrounded her, filling her senses and binding him to her on an almost elemental level. When their eyes locked and he started to slowly move inside her, she tightened her legs around his waist and matched his rhythm, rocking her hips against his in the most intimate of embraces.

She could have lost herself in the warm brown eyes that looked back at her, but instead she found herself there. Found love and acceptance and everything she’d ever wanted, ever needed. Without conscious thought, his name fell from her lips and she was so full of joy she wondered how so much feeling could be contained in her body. As if it was greater than her body could handle and she would simply burst with it. The orgasm in her built slowly, like a dying fire rekindled until it burned hot and true. She’d always thought every orgasm was pretty much the same as another but with Josh she was discovering that was not true. The first one had been quick and hot. The second, electric and shattering. But this one was slow and long and seemed to spread through her like liquid fire, melting muscle and bone, stealing breath and thought. There were no cries of completion this time, only Josh’s name falling from her lips as naturally as her own breath. 

Josh watched the pleasure build in the depths of her blue eyes. But there was something below it that touched him even more. It was love. No one had ever looked at him with so much love in their eyes and it left him breathless. In her eyes, he saw the life he would have with her, the life that no matter what came for them, they would face together. In his professional life, he rarely doubted whether or not he was doing the right thing. But in his personal life, he’d never had that security. Before now. As he watched her, he knew that he was, without a doubt, right where he was supposed to be. 

He felt her hands trail over him, setting his skin on fire with her touch. Her scent was intoxicating and he’d never get tired of it. It was in his blood now, just like she was in his heart and his soul. He saw the orgasm in her eyes before he felt it in her body. Saw the way it began to sweep over her. Her body tightened under his and her hands clung to his back, her nails digging in to find purchase in his skin. Then her voice, God, her voice when she said his name was the most amazing thing he’d ever heard and he’d knew that he could die a happy man now that she’d said his name like that.

Her body clenched around him and he realized he’d been on the edge of his own orgasm for a while but had been so focused on her that he just hadn’t known it. Her eyes closed, her breathing slowing, a small gentle smile on her lips, she laid languidly under him as she came down, her body soft and loose beneath his. He continued the slow stroke he’d adopted and waited for her. After a moment, her eyes opened and she looked up at him, again with so much naked love in her eyes that it was an all but physical light coming from her. Slowly lifting her hands to his face, she pulled him down for a soft, deep kiss.

“Come for me, Josh,” she whispered.

Josh eyes stayed locked with her as he began to move a bit faster. He felt, rather than saw, Donna shift under him and felt her legs unlock from behind his back and slide down his legs until her feet were somewhere down by his ankles. He started to protest when he realized what she’d done. By changing positions, she could bring her thighs tighter together, thereby increasing the pressure and friction on him. While the position would have had it’s disadvantages for her pleasure, it definitely raised the level of his. He felt her bear down on him and he could have sworn that for just a second his eyes rolled back in his head. She must have realized the effect she was having on him because she smiled and circled her arms around his back, pulling him in closer. The increased all-over body friction stepped things up another notch and then he was there. The orgasm swept through him like a firestorm, burning away everything but the pleasure she’d brought him and once again he came hard and poured himself inside her. He didn’t even have the breath for words. It was beyond words and into pure sensation.

His head came to rest on her breast. The most perfect pillow he could imagine. They laid there for a moment, sated and spent. The sweat of their bodies quickly cooling in the chill of the room. Donna’s hands trailed over his back. She wanted to say something but nothing seemed appropriate...or necessary. They were just such verbal people usually, she supposed, that it seemed like she should say something. But the moment felt like a quiet one, one where words would only be extraneous so she was quiet.

The fire in the fireplace had died down enough that it wasn’t providing much heat anymore and the room was quickly getting colder. Knowing that Donna was sensitive to the cold and feeling a slight chill himself from the whole being naked and not being under the covers thing, Josh slowly, reluctantly, slid out of her. She pouted in protest as he slid from her body, already missing that connection with him. But he made up for it by shifting them so he was lying on his back and she was comfortably snuggled against his side and half-sprawled on top of him. Reaching down, he covered them with the sheet and the thick down comforter.

“You ready for another position?” she murmured sleepily. 

He yawned himself, realizing she wasn’t the only one who was feeling sleepy. “In a bit,” he replied kissing the top of her head and then resting his cheek against it. “We’ve got plenty of time.” He heard her sigh contentedly next to him and he added the sound to his list of favorite things about her. “Sleep now, more positions later.”

“Kay,” she said as snuggled into his side and dropped into a deep, peaceful sleep.

TBC

**********  
Chapter 45 - ADULT

Josh sat in the lodge’s spacious lobby reading the newspaper. Harley was lying under the table at his feet, sound asleep. The lobby was the only area in the lodge where they allowed dogs. It was late Wednesday afternoon and Donna was outside having her ski lesson. A lesson they’d had to reschedule three times due to their inability to get out of bed, he thought with a smirk. 

The weather had cleared up late that morning and the main road had been plowed, so the three of them had walked to the lodge. After getting Donna set up with skis and whatever equipment she needed and making sure her ski instructor was of the ‘Inga’ and not the ‘Sven’ variety, Josh brought Harley inside and he settled in to wait for her. She’d tried to talk him into taking a lesson with her but had changed her mind when he reminded her of the fact that he was clumsy enough when he was getting around on his own two feet and if she still wanted his body in good working order for the rest of their stay, it might not be the best idea. So he’d planted himself and Harley in the lobby with a cup of coffee and the paper.

Just then, his cell phone rang. Laying down the paper, he pulled the phone out of his pocket and saw the ID for his office on the display. He assumed that meant it was Sam, since he was helping out while Josh was gone but he kept his greeting generic just in case it was someone else. “Hello.”

“Hey, Josh, it’s Sam.”

Josh smiled. “Hey, Sam. How’s it going?”

“The usual.”

“That bad, huh?” Josh replied, with a grin.

Sam chuckled. “Yeah, pretty much. But you know I actually had TWO good moments today in the Oval so I’m feeling pretty great right now.”

“Wow, two in one day, that’s more than I have some days,” Josh said with a grin. “So did you call just to gloat?”

“Well, yes and no. I mean I have so few chances to gloat, I like to do it when I can, it’s really good for my ego, but I wouldn’t have interrupted your vacation with Donna just for that. How are things going by the way? You guys having a good time?”

He thought about the last few days. “Yeah, we’re having a great time.”

“Is Donna there with you?”

“No, she’s having her first ski lesson right now.”

There was a little pause from Sam’s end of the phone. “She’s having her first lesson today? It’s Wednesday and you’ve been there since Monday. I figured she’d have had her lesson and would be out qualifying for the next Olympics by now.”

He wasn’t quite sure how to respond to that. “Well....we, um, had a little trouble getting out of the cabin.”

“Oh, has it been snowing a lot there?” Sam asked, not reading anything into Josh’s answer.

“Uh, yeah, some,” Josh said a bit enigmatically.

There was another pause from Sam. “Josh? Why do I get the impression that you didn’t have trouble getting out of the cabin because you were snowed in?”

“Because you’re a smart guy, no matter what Toby says,” Josh told him. He could hear Sam chuckling softly.

“Just don’t let it get around. You’ll ruin my reputation.” Sam paused for a moment. He’d accidentally found out that Josh and Donna had been doing nothing but sleeping together for the last few months. Just before Christmas the two of them had been sitting alone in Josh’s office and Sam had commented about how well Donna seemed to be doing after everything she’d been through. Then he’d asked Josh how HE was doing. No one had really asked Josh that and, as he so often did, Josh found himself opening up a bit to Sam. He told Sam, without going into too much detail, that he was a little worried about taking the next step with Donna because, as much as he wanted to be with her physically, he didn’t want to do anything that would be a set back to her progress.

“And things are okay?” Sam’s voice came through the phone.

Josh grinned. “Yeah, things couldn’t be better.”

“That’s great, Josh,” Sam told him with a smile in his voice. “I’m really happy for you guys.”

“I appreciate that, Sam,“ Josh replied. “Now what can I do for you?”

“Leo and the President want to go over those figures you put together for the budget talks but I can’t find the file. Even Mrs. Willis didn’t know where you put it.”

“First of all that’s because ‘it’ is not a file, ‘it’ is ‘files’ of information broken down by category and agency. And second of all Mrs. Willis doesn’t know where they are because I hid them from her,” Josh told him.

“And why, exactly, did you feel it necessary to hide files from your assistant?”

“Because when I started the first one she kept making mean comments about my penmanship and grammar,” Josh replied.

Sam snorted at that. “You really are scared of her, aren’t you?” he asked with a laugh, then stopped. “Hey, wait, if you hid them from her after the first one, doesn’t that mean that you put the rest of them together all by yourself?”

“You know, you don’t need to sound so surprised.”

“Well, no, except yes I do, seeing as how you didn’t used to be able to find the empty file folders without Donna’s help, much less being able to fill them up with stuff,” Sam replied.

“What can I say? Maybe I’ve grown, Sam,” Josh joked.

Sam was going to make a snarky remark but decided to go with the truth. “You really have, you know,” he replied quietly.

Josh sobered a bit at Sam’s words. “Yeah, I guess I have.” He paused. “It’s because of her,” he said. They both knew he wasn’t talking about Mrs. Willis. There was a silence on the other end of the phone when Sam didn’t know what to say to that and it prompted Josh to reveal his secret. “Okay, look the truth is I did have some help. I bribed the Pierce kid with 50 bucks to get me the empty file folders and I brought my piles home with me and Donna helped me put the files in order.”

Sam smirked at that. “But didn’t she make mean comments about your penmanship and grammar like Mrs. Willis did?”

“No. Her penmanship is way worse than mine and rather than making comments about my grammar she just makes notes in the text with better ways to phrase things. Lucky for me, I’ve learned how to read her illegible writing. I did, however, have to listen to her mock my lack of organization,” Josh explained.

“Well, we all have our crosses to bear,” Sam remarked.

“Yeah, but she has to put up with me, so it evens out.”

“Somehow I think you’re the one coming out ahead on that one, Josh.”

“Thanks a bunch, Sam. You know, you and I were friends first. How about a little loyalty?” He remarked with mock exasperation.

“Well, yeah, except Donna’s running my office now and she could, you know, make my life hell if I say anything to piss her off.”

“I told you she’s having ski lesson. She’s not here,” Josh pointed out.

“Given the way my luck usually runs and the fact that Donna sometimes has a freakish mind reading ability, do you think I want to take any chances?”

“Fair point,” Josh said with a laugh. “Okay, the files are in the small two drawer file cabinet in the corner of my office. The keys are in the top left drawer of my desk.”

“Are they filed under ‘B’?” Sam asked and he dug around in the drawer and found the keys.

“No, why would they be under ‘B’?”

“For some crazy reason I thought you might have put them under, oh, I don’t know, ‘B’ for ‘budget,’” Sam replied.

“Now if I’d used thinking like that, Mrs. Willis would have sniffed them out in no time.”

Sam chuckled as he unlocked the small file cabinet. “Okay, so what did you file them under?”

“They’re under ‘M.’”

Sam tried to figure out the connection but couldn’t. “And they would be under ‘M’ because....?”

“M for murder because that’s what Leo and the President are going to do to me if I don’t help them get this budget passed.”

Sam laughed out loud at that. “And, to think, you used to tell me Donna had a bizarre filing system.”

“Where do you think I learned it? But, hey, to her credit and mine, it insured I was the only one who knew where the files were. And that, Sam, is what they call, ‘job security.’”

“I think they call it certifiable,” Sam told him.

“Po-tay-to/po-tot-to,” Josh replied.

“Yeah,” Sam said with a laugh. “Okay, I’ve got the files,” he said as he pulled them out of the drawer. “Well, I don’t want to keep you from your vacation, so I’ll let you go.”

Something had been tickling the back of Josh’s brain during their conversation and just then he realized what it was. “Hey, Sam? Before I let you get away, you got a minute to talk to me about something?”

“Sure,” Sam told him. “I’ve got about 10 minutes before I’ve got to be in the Oval. Whattcha need?”

Josh let out a long breath. “Weaver’s trial is coming up.”

“I read they’re starting jury selection in two weeks,” Sam told him. “Weaver’s attorney is screaming about a change of venue but the papers are saying there’s no way the judge is going to allow it. Since the trial is under Federal jurisdiction, the jury pool will come from not only the District, but Maryland and Virginia, so it pretty much leaves the change of venue argument swinging in the wind.”

“Yeah, I was just reading an article about it in the Post, but I’d already suspected that’s how it would play out. It’s yet another reason why I’m glad the case wound up in Federal court.” Josh paused for a second. “Um, Sam, I’m gonna need your help during the trial.”

Sam didn’t even hesitate. “Whatever you and Donna need, Josh. You know you don’t even have to ask.”

“Thanks, Sam. What I’m going to need is both on a professional and personal level. Since Donna and I are both going to be testifying, I want to retain you for our legal council.”

“No,” Sam replied.

Josh was taken aback by that. “But you said....”

“No, you won’t retain me. I’ll provide you and Donna with legal council but I won’t take your money.”

“I’d feel better if you let me pay you a retainer.”

“Well, then you’re just going to have to feel bad because I’m not taking your money.”

Josh wanted to argue. Sam was a outstanding lawyer and he wanted him to have his due, but he also knew that Sam had a highly honed sense of personal ethics and if Josh pushed the issue too far, he’d just end up offending Sam so he let it go. “Okay, I appreciate it.”

“Now, I assume that was the professional level, so what’s the personal?” 

Josh let out a breath. “Donna wants to attend as much of the trial as she possibly can....”

“Yeah, she mentioned it to me, I told her she could have all the time off she needed.”

“I don’t want her going alone.” The words began to tumble out of Josh. “I mean she could go alone and I’m sure she’ll say that, but I don’t want her to go alone. The trial itself will be hard enough for her, but the press is going to be on her like a pack of rabid dogs if she’s there by herself. I’m going to go with her as much as I can but.....” 

“But you work at the White House and your schedule is crazy and you don’t know how often you’ll be able to get away,” Sam finished.

“Yeah. And I want someone to be with her when I can’t be. Someone that she and I both trust. I know the trial may take a few months but....”

“Between the two of us, we’ll make sure she doesn’t have to be there alone,” Sam said simply.

Josh so often took his friendship with Sam for granted. But truth was, like his relationship with Donna, it was one of the bedrocks in his life. “Thanks, Sam. You have no idea how much I appreciate this.”

“She’s my friend too, Josh,” Sam replied quietly. “You’ve both been there for me on any number of occasions. It’s what friends do for friends.” 

Just then, Josh saw Donna walk in the main door of the lodge. She looked so cute in her blue ski suit. Her cheeks were pink from being out in the cold and she had a big smile on her face. He waved to her and she headed over to where he was sitting. “You know if there’s ever anything we can do for you.....”

“Enough said,” Sam replied. 

Donna stopped next to him and ran her fingers lightly through his hair. “Hey, Sam, I gotta go,” Josh told him. “The most adorable ski bunny to ever grace the slopes just walked in.”

“Give Donna my best,” Sam replied with a smile in his voice. 

“I will.” Josh replied. Snapping the phone closed he ended the call. He felt better now that he’d enlisted Sam’s help. “Hey,” he greeted her.

“Hey, yourself. Who was on the phone?”

“Oh, just Sam. He sends his best. He called because he needed some help finding something,” Josh told her. Slipping his arm around her waist, he pulled her around and down into his lap. But when she winced he frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“My butt is sore,” she said with a little pout.

He patted her playfully on the hip. “I take it the lesson didn’t go well?”

She put her arm around his shoulders. “Actually the lesson went great. I learned how to fall properly and how to get back up, which I’m told is essential to successful skiing, and then I spent a little time on the beginner slopes.” She paused. “There was only one problem.”

“What’s that?”

She ran her fingers over his jaw. “You weren’t there.”

“Well, I didn’t think you’d appreciate me standing there heckling you during your lesson,” he said with a grin. “But the good news is, I’m here now.” With that, he leaned in and kissed her. Her lips were cool and dry from being outside but his kisses quickly warmed them. “Do you have another lesson tomorrow?” he asked her when they parted a few moments later.

“Yeah, at the same time.”

“If you want me to, I promise to be there for the whole thing.” He kissed her again. “Okay?”

“Are you going to heckle me?”

He smirked at her. “Well, yeah. I assumed that was a given.”

Donna grinned. “Kay. Just checking.” She wiggled her sore butt against his lap suggestively. “You ready to get out of here?”

His body had already started to respond. “You’re going to make it hard for me to walk if you keep up the squirming.”

She laughed and leaned in to whisper in his ear, “I’m making it....hard, hmmm?”

“You enjoy torturing me, don’t you?”

Donna gave him her most innocent face. “Who, me?”

Now it was his turn to lean in and whisper in her ear. “No, one else does it like you do.”

“Sweet talker,” she said with a giggle. “So where are we on the getting out of here? I have a sudden need to get out of these ski clothes.” Before Donna knew what was happening, Josh had slid his arm under her knees and stood up with her in his arms.

“Well, then, we better get moving,” he told her with a smirk. “And let me be the first volunteer my services for the getting you out of your clothes thing.”

“You gonna carry me all the way back to the cabin?” she said with an answering smirk. “’Cause if you do, I think the only the only thing you’re going to be able to volunteer for is a full body cast.”

“That hurts, Donna. I mean that really hurts,” he said. “You’ve wounded my manhood.”

“God, I hope not.” She continued to grin. “I have a lot of plans for your manhood.”

Josh grinned and set her on her feet, “Well, I’m a fast healer. Let’s go.” 

Slipping into his coat, he bent down, picked up the end of Harley’s leash in one hand, handed Donna the rest of his coffee, which she sipped on gratefully, took her free hand in his and the three of them walked out of the lodge. Making their way down the wide stone steps they headed down the road toward the cabin. Just on the other side of the lodge they found a number of young children sledding down a good-sized hill.

Donna stopped for a moment, watching the kids as they laughed and played and enjoyed the simple joy of playing in the snow. It brought back a few happy moments from her childhood. Moments that, although they’d been a bit few and far between, were that much more precious to her. She watched as two kids, a girl of about 10 wearing her pale golden hair in long braids and what Donna assumed, given the resemblance, was her brother of about 8 seated in front of her, sailed down the hill on a long foam sled. Both were laughing and squealing happily as their parents stood nearby. It put an unexpected ache in Donna’s heart. For a moment, just a moment, she saw her own children and she vowed that were she and Josh to ever have any, she would fight with her last breath to see that the ugliness of her own childhood would not be repeated in theirs and that their lives would be filled with moments like this.

Josh studied her as she watched the kids playing. Her mouth was turned up in a little smile, making her look young and beautiful. But there was something behind it. Something almost...wistful...and yet.....determined. He wondered what she was thinking. Then he had an idea. “Hold this for a minute,” he said handing her Harley’s leash. 

Without another word, Josh trotted over to the young couple that appeared, from the way they were taking pictures and had cheered on the two kids on the sled, to be their parents. Donna watched Josh speak to them but she couldn’t hear what they were saying. The dad called the kids over and the five of them seemed to be having a conference of some kind. Josh pulled something out of his pocket and handed one to the girl and another to the dad. Donna was just about to head over there to see what was going on when Josh waved her over.

She walked over to them. “Josh, you’re not harassing these nice people, are you?”

Josh laughed. “Of course not. Donna, this is Paul and Victoria Taylor and these,” he said indicating the two kids, “Are their kids, Jill and Brandon.”

“It’s nice to meet you all,” Donna said. 

“I was just talking to the Taylors and I think we’ve worked out a deal.”

Donna frowned. “A deal for what?”

He grinned. “Let me show you.” Taking the leash from her hand he gave it over to Victoria and then he turned to Jill and held out his hand. She held out the sled to him and he took it from her with a mischievous grin. “Thanks, Jill.” The 10-year-old gave him a big grin. Apparently yet another female had fallen for the Lyman charm.

“Josh, please tell me you did not just trade my dog for a sled,” Donna teased him.

“No, the Taylors are just going to look after him for a minute. Harley, stay,” he told Harley, who promptly sat down next to Victoria. “Now, come with me,” he said, and taking her hand they started up the hill.

“Josh, are we going where I think we’re going?” It was kind of rhetorical as it was pretty obvious.

He was puffing a bit as they walked up the hill. “That depends, where do you think we’re going?”

“I think we’re going to the top of this hill to use the sled you managed to somehow wrangle away from a 10-year-old girl to slide back down it.”

“Good to see your powers of deduction are as sharp as ever,” Josh said as they got to the top of the hill and he laid the sled down on the ground.

“Can I just ask you why we’re here?” she said.

“I thought we just established that,” he replied.

“No, I know we’re here for the sledding but I mean, WHY? Why this sudden interest in sledding?” she asked.

He shrugged. “’Cause it’s fun and we’re, you know, on vacation.”

She looked at him for a moment and it struck her just how adorable he was. So often when he acted like a kid she wanted to strangle him but here he was just taking a moment to simply have some fun and she was making it way too hard. Remembering her earlier vow to her potential unborn children, it occurred to her that it would be easier to keep if she herself remembered how to have fun once in a while. Her heart seemed to lift at the thought. Grinning, she gripped his face in her hands and kissed him full and hard on the mouth.

It took him a moment to find his breath after the unexpected kiss. “Not that I minded, but what was that for?”

With a smirk, she shrugged. “’Cause it’s fun and we’re, you know, on vacation.” She laughed and handed him the ski goggles she’d stuffed in her pocket. “You’ll need these, ‘cause you’re going to be in front. I want to be in back so I can hold onto you,” she told him.

With a smirk, he took the goggles from her and pulled them down over his eyes. Her enthusiasm warming him almost as much as her kiss had. “Kay.” 

Donna held onto the sled as he plopped down in the front of it. Once he was settled and holding the sled in place, she sat down behind him. Crossing her legs Indian-style she leaned forward, wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her chin on his shoulder. “Ready when you are.”

“Okay, hold on tight,” he told her. He loved the feeling of her arms tightly around him. Together they moved the sled right to the edge of the hill and they rocked it forward and back to get some momentum. Then they crested the lip of the hill and sent the sled sliding over the edge. Down they went. The world rushed past in a blur as they flew down the hill. Donna kept her arms securely around Josh, while his hands were gripped tightly on the front of the sled to try and maintain some kind of control of the clearly out of control piece of foam. Donna’s laughter filled his ears and he heard himself laughing with her. The sheer joy of the moment was exhilarating.

The sled reached the bottom of the hill and started up the small steep hill that had been made at the bottom to stop the sledders from going into the street. The change in direction and momentum sent the sled into a sideways skid. The two of them tumbled off the sled in a heap. Josh rolled over and gathered her in his arms. They laid there for a moment, breathing hard and laughing hysterically. 

Donna, who’d wound up laying half on top of Josh, looked down at him. Her laughter slowly trailed off. His goggles were a little askew, there were bits of snow in his hair, and his dimples were dancing as he laughed. Her love for him welled up inside her, filling her heart to bursting. He was the most imperfect man she’d ever met. Brilliant. Complicated. Driven. Arrogant. Funny. Challenging. Exasperating. Kind. Competitive. A fierce adversary. A passionate and considerate lover. A loyal and giving friend. And he made her happier than she ever thought she could be.

Josh watched her expression change from laughing to…searching. “What?”

She looked at him for a moment, her face hovering over his. “Josh….” Her throat, choked with emotion, closed up for a moment.

When he saw the tears swim in her eyes, he raised his hand to her cheek. “What is it, Donna?”

Swallowing hard and taking a quick breath, she found her voice. “Will you marry me?”

Josh pulled off his goggles. The question had come at him from left field but, oddly, when he heard the words come out of her mouth, nothing ever sounded more right. He felt like they were both finally ready for that step. The frown that was creasing his forehead slowly melted away and was replaced by a brilliant smile. “Of course, I’ll marry you.”

Donna let out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding and she grinned as the tears spilled over and trailed down her cheeks. “Really?”

One of her tears fell onto his cheek and the poignancy of the moment took his breath away. He felt his own eyes fill as he held her face between his hands and used his thumbs to brush the wetness from her cheeks. “Sure,” he replied. “But I do get to keep my own name though, right?” Josh asked her.

Donna closed the distance between their mouths. “I think that can be arranged,” she told him with little smirk. Pressing her lips to his, she devoured his mouth. Then she proceeded to cover his face in kisses, taking special care to kiss away the dampness she found on his lashes. Burying her face between his neck and the collar of his coat, she hugged him tightly. “I love you,” she whispered.

His arms went around her. “I love you, too.”

“Hey, you guys okay?” Paul Taylor asked them. 

It was then that they realized that the Taylor family and a couple of other kids that had been sledding were gathered around them.

He looked up into Donna’s face. “Yeah, we’re great.” Donna grinned back at him.

Josh pulled him and Donna up into a sitting position. “We’re better than great,” he replied to Paul with a grin. Harley, whose leash was still being held by Victoria, took a couple of steps forward and started to lick Josh and Donna’s faces happily. Having his human and his human’s human down on his level was just too much to resist. 

Laughing, Donna grabbed onto Harley’s collar, “Okay, Harley. Enough with the face wash.” She gave the area behind his ears a thorough scratching.

“Here you go, Jill,” Josh said, handing the girl back her sled. “Thanks a lot for letting us use it.” 

The 10-year-old grinned as she took the sled back from him. “You’re welcome,” she said with a giggle.

“Josh, I’ll e-mail those pictures off to the address on the back of the business card you gave me,” Paul Taylor told him.

Josh stood up and then helped Donna up. “Thanks, Paul. Appreciate it.”

“And thanks for looking after Harley,” Donna told them.

“Oh, he was no trouble at all,” she said, handing Donna back his leash.

“Well, we’ll let you guys get back to sledding. Thanks a lot,” Josh said as he tugged on Donna’s gloved hand and they walked back up to the road.

“Josh? What pictures was he talking about?” Donna asked him as they walked back to the cabin.

“Paul had a digital camera and I paid him 20 bucks to take some pictures of us,” Josh told her.

Donna’s hand slid from his as she stopped walking. “Josh, do you really think that was the best idea?”

He retraced the two steps he’d taken after she stopped. “Sure. Why not? I thought you’d like at least a couple pictures of our vacation.”

“But what about the press?”

He frowned, “What about the press?”

“What if they get a hold of the pictures?”

“They won’t.”

“How do you know that? You gave him your business card with so he knows you work at the White House. The Taylor Family might need a new minivan or something and who knows how much the press would pay for pictures of us together.” Although her voice hadn’t risen in volume, a note of distress had entered it.

Josh looked at her for a moment, a bit surprised that this had apparently become a thing. “Actually I wrote my home e-mail on the back of one of Sam’s business cards,” he explained to her. 

“Oh,” she said, feeling a little stupid. “But he knew your name.”

“I told him my name but not where I worked. You know as well as I do, most people outside the beltway and politics don’t really know who I am.” He paused. “Besides, even if he does know who I am and where I work, what possible interest could pictures of us be to the press, or anyone else for that matter?”

“You work at the White House, I used to work at the White House and now I’m tied up with Weaver’s trial,” she told him. “I imagine some enterprising reporter would find pictures of us.....frolicking to be newsworthy.”

“Okay, first of all....frolicking?” he said with a grin, trying to break the tension. It failed spectacularly when she didn’t even try to smile. “And second of all....so what?” he replied. “Like you just pointed out, you don’t work at the White House anymore, so there’s no scandal with us being together and there’s no way that our being together would affect Weaver’s trial.”

“But...I just....” she trailed off, frustrated that he was right and yet the idea of the pictures possibly being out there still bothered her.

Josh could see she was still upset about it and he took a step closer to her. He ran his hands down her arms and took her hands in his. “We’ve been officially living together for like a month and a half and we’ve been out socially in public together on any number of occasions. It’s not like we’ve been hiding our relationship.” He paused. “Donna, what’s really bothering you?”

“I don’t know!” she said, throwing up her hands. Needing to move, she side stepped around him and started walking again. Her strides were quick and direct. Harley and Josh moved to match her pace. “I know I’m being stupid,” she said. “I know I’m being unreasonable.”

Josh jogged around in front of her and turned around to face her. “Okay, hold up a second,” he said, holding up his hands.

She stopped and huffed out a breath. “What?”

He let out a breath of his own. “You’re not being stupid or unreasonable. We just need to figure out why this is bothering you so much.”

“I told you, I don’t know why.”

“Well, just think about it for a minute,” he suggested.

“Okay, I will, but can we walk while I think about it? I’m cold and tired and want to get back to the cabin before it gets dark,” she said, referring to the fact that the sun had dipped low enough to touch the horizon.

“Sure,” he said, gently. He wasn’t sure if she was upset with him or just upset in general and he didn’t know if she was going to want him to touch her but he felt like he needed some kind of connection with her. He held his arm out to her. She looked at him for a moment, then she gave a little laugh, breaking the tension. Linking her arm with his, they continued down the road.

“So we’re getting married, huh?” Josh said with a little grin on his face. The thing about the pictures aside, he was feeling pretty good about things right then.

His words helped push away a little of the worry she was feeling about the pictures. “Yeah, I guess we are.” Donna said with a smile of her own. Then her expression sobered a bit. “Thanks for saying yes,” she told him softly.

“Did you honestly think I’d say no?” he asked her. “I’d have to be nuts to say anything but yes.”

Her smile got a little wider. “What a nice thing to say.”

“I meant it,” he squeezed her arm, happy to see she was enjoying the conversation.

Her voice got very quiet. “So you think I’m ready now? That WE’RE ready now?”

Josh stopped and turned to face her, his tone and expression were very serious. “I absolutely do. I wouldn’t have said yes if I didn’t. We’ve both come a long way since we had dinner and talked about it.”

She smiled at him a bit shyly. “Kay.”

They started walking again. “So, you want a big wedding?” he asked her.

“Not really. I think I’d like something on the small side. Just our friends and close family.”

For half a second, Josh considered asking her if they’d be inviting her parents but he felt like that was going to open a whole new can of worms, one that he couldn’t imagine would lead to anything positive, so he didn’t. “Can I assume, even though you were the one who popped the question, that you’ll let me take you ring shopping when we get back to DC and buy you a big fat engagement ring?”

“I’d like that,” she said softly, then she smiled. “Besides, if you want to buy me jewelry, who am I to argue? I’d have to be nuts to say anything but yes.”

He grinned and slid his arm around her waist as they turned and started up the driveway leading to the cabin. She slid her hand into his back pocket and they walked the rest of the way in silence. Josh could tell that she was indeed thinking about the pictures and why they’d bothered her, so he gave her the quiet to do so. When they reached the cabin, the sun was just sliding out of sight and the already cold temperature began to drop in the wake of its disappearance.

“Do you mind if we walk around to the front of the cabin for a minute to look at the sunset?” Donna asked him.

“No, of course not,” he replied. “But I thought you were cold and tired? We could watch it from inside.”

“I know, but I’d kind of like to see it from outside. It’s so much more impressive when you’re standing out under the sky,” she said with a bit of a smile. “It will only take a few minutes. Then we can go inside and I’ll fix us something for dinner.”

“Ah-kay,” he replied with a little lopsided smile. They walked around to the front of the cabin and stood on a wide deck that ran along the front of it. Like the driveway and the other paths around the cabin, someone had come around and cleared the deck of snow. There was a bench built into the inner perimeter of the deck and the two of them sat down on it.

The view was amazing. So much so, it looked like a painting rather than an actual real life sunset. There were just enough clouds left for a spectacular sunset. The sky was filled with an orange and gold fire, tempered by vivid blues and purples. Then there was the fact that the sky above was reflected in the snow. Almost as if someone had taken the sky above and mixed it with white paint and then covered the ground with it. The two of them sat there quietly for a moment taking it all in while Harley was over sniffing some trees nearby.

Donna’s thoughts about the pictures had finally begun to work themselves into some kind of organized chaos and she thought she’d better share them with Josh before that changed. “I’m tired of having my picture and my name in the paper every week, if not every day,” she said quietly, referring to the fact that her named tended to be linked to Weaver and his upcoming trial in the press. She continued to stare out at the darkening sky as she spoke. “And it’s only going to get worse when the trial starts.” She took a breath, “And maybe it’s partly because I worked in the White House for so long and always had to be conscious of how things were going to look and whether or not it was going to hurt your career or the administration, but I’m worried that something innocent is going to be twisted into something not innocent and it’s going to come between us.”

“Donna....” 

Finally turning to look at him, she plowed ahead before he could say anything else. “That was a special moment for us, Josh. For God’s sake, I’d just asked you to marry me. And while I would love a picture of it for us, I don’t want it turning up in the news.” Having run out of steam and concerns, she let out long breath.

Josh turned sideways so he could face her more fully. “Donna, look at me.” She turned toward him, her expression a little wary. Needing to touch her, he pulled off his gloves and one of hers so he could hold her hand between both of his and feel her skin against his. “You know that I have an appreciation for how things can play in the press and I totally understand you being tired of seeing your name in the paper all the time.” He let out a breath. “Now, although I can’t be positive, I still think there’s only a small chance that those pictures will go anywhere but to my e-mail inbox. But there is something I am positive about. Nothing those pictures could stir up would EVER come between us. Even if they did show up in the press and, by some bizarro world turn of events, they stirred up something that meant I got in trouble or even had to leave the White House, it would be okay. Granted, I don’t want to get in trouble and, yes, I would miss working there. But see, the thing you have to realize is, where my once my job was everything to me, you’re everything to me now. If I have you then the rest will take care of itself.”

Donna’s heart seemed to flip in her chest, “Oh, Josh....”

“Let me finish,” he said gently. “When I see things in that context, not only do I not care if the pictures wind up in the press, I’d get a kick out of it if they did. I’m glad you ‘popped the question’ and I’m glad I said yes and I want the world to know we’re together and getting married. For one reason or another, we spent seven years hiding what we felt for each other and I don’t want to do it anymore.” In the rapidly fading light, he got up and paced across the deck. “I want to plaster my office with the pictures he took of us. We need to start living our lives out loud.” He spread his arms wide, “YOU HEAR THAT WORLD? I LOVE DONTELLA MOSS!” he yelled to the open sky.

Donna laughed, her heart warming as all her concerns fell away. She was being silly and he was absolutely right. There was no reason why those pictures should upset her. Old habits and the stress of the upcoming trial had conspired to make her paranoid. Then she laughed harder as a huge clump of snow slid off the corner of the house and poured down over him. While someone from the lodge had swept the driveway, the walks and the deck free of snow, they hadn’t done anything about the snow on the roof. Like a mini avalanche, the snow that had built up there had come loose at Josh’s shouted words.

“Well, that was predictable,” he said brushing at the snow that now covered him like sugar.

Standing up, she walked over to him. “Yes, it was,” she said with a grin as she helped brush him off. Then she put her arms around him and pulled him into a hug. “But it was also sweet and wonderful and I’m sorry I got so wound up about the pictures.”

He hugged her back. “It’s okay. I’m glad you told me. So are you feeling better about it now?” 

As an answer she released her hug, took a big step back, and flung her arms out. “LISTEN UP WORLD! I LOVE JOSHUA LYMAN!” she yelled at the top of her lungs.

Josh grinned like a lunatic and then started to laugh. But he had to stop when the remaining snow on the edge of the roof, sent over the edge by Donna’s voice, slid off and poured down over him. Of course, it missed Donna completely.

Donna couldn’t help but laugh. “Now THAT was predictable.” Still laughing, she started to brush him off again. “Oh, Josh, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you sound like it,” he said, but he was laughing, too, so his words had no heat.

She wrapped her arms around him again and leaned her forehead against his. “How about we go inside and I make it up to you?”

He smirked now, the snow that had gone down his collar, all but forgotten. “Kay.” Calling Harley, the three of them headed around to the main entrance at the back of the house. “You know, I think I’ll ask Sam to be my best man.”

“He’ll get a kick out of that. I don’t know who I’ll ask to stand up with me. CJ maybe. I know I definitely want to invite President and Mrs. Bartlet to the wedding. They’ve done so much for me.”

He squeezed her hand, “For both of us.”

When they stepped up onto the porch, Josh paused. “Go ahead and go inside,” he told her. “I noticed we were getting a little low on wood this morning. I think I’ll just grab some more so we have plenty for a fire tonight.”

“Okay,” she said with smile. “I want to get out of these wet clothes anyway.”

Wiggling his eyebrows at her, his dimples popped out as he smirked widely. “Well, don’t let me stop you.” With a departing saucy grin, Donna turned and she and Harley went into the cabin. Josh gathered up an armload of wood and carried it inside. After kicking the door closed with his foot, he filled the wood box next to the living room fireplace with half of his load. Planning to put the rest of it in the bedroom wood box, he started down the hall toward the bedroom. Seeing something lying in the middle of the floor he stopped and bent down to see what it was. It was one of Donna’s gloves. She must have dropped it on the way to the bedroom. A few feet away, in the edge of the bedroom doorway, he saw it’s mate and what looked to be the hat she’d been wearing. With a curious frown he walked into the bedroom. “Donna?” he called but got no response.

Then he saw them. More clothes strewn in a haphazard trail leading from the doorway to the master bath. Clearly she’d been undressing as she’d walked through, dropping clothes as she went. A scarf. Her boots. Her blue snow suit. The flowered thermal shirt and pants she’d worn under the suit. A pair of wool socks. 

Then he heard it. The shower in the bathroom sounded like it was running. They’d availed themselves on a number of occasions of the large whirlpool tub but they hadn’t actually gotten around to using the shower yet. Josh felt his mouth water and his body tighten at the thought of wet, naked Donna under the pounding spray of the dual jet shower heads.

He’d taken three steps toward the bathroom when he realized he was still carrying the wood for the fireplace in his arm. Reluctantly, he turned and moved quickly over to the fireplace where he dumped the wood unceremoniously into the box. Harley, who was semi-asleep nearby, startled a bit at the noise but then drifted back off. Josh started to turn to resume his investigation of Donna and the shower when it occurred to him it would be nice if a fire was burning when they finally got back to the bedroom. Moving as quickly as humanly possible, he laid new wood, paper and kindling in the cold fireplace and set it a blaze. 

Watching it for a moment until he was satisfied that the house wasn’t going to burn down while they were in the bathroom, well, at least not from the fire he’d just made, he couldn’t guarantee it wasn’t going to happen from their likely activities in the bathroom, he slid out of his jacket and yanked, or tried to yank, off his hiking boots. The laces were too securely tied so he ripped at them until they were loose enough he could get the boots and socks off. Then he rubbed his hands together gleefully and walked toward the master bath. She’d left the door open and the roaring of the shower got louder as he got closer. It was almost as loud as the blood pumping through his system. Her blue satin bra lay directly in the bathroom doorway. Her matching blue satin bikini panties lay a few feet away.

Stepping into the bathroom, his mouth went from wet to dry as he took in the sight of her. He silently thanked whoever had the brilliant idea to treat the clear glass shower doors with something to keep them from fogging up in the steam of the hot water pumping through the shower. Now he could see every curve of her body and every motion she made. She was indeed standing in the enormous shower but she wasn’t using the dual showerheads as he’d expected. She’d opted for the wide waterfall showerhead in the middle and she was currently standing, very wet and very naked under a cascade of steaming hot water.

Mesmerized by her, he unconsciously pushed the bathroom door closed and leaned up against the wall as he continued to watch her. Her eyes were closed and her hands were in her wet hair. They trailed down her long beautiful neck, across her shoulders and down to her firm breasts. They lingered there, cradling the rounded globes in her palms and teasing the nipples already gone stiff in the contrasting sensations of the hot water and the cooler air of the shower. Then, just as Josh thought his pants couldn’t get any tighter, her roving hands slid slowly down across her stomach and her abdomen to linger again at the apex of her thighs. She didn’t quite touch her center, teasing him and herself instead by simply letting her thumbs brush at the golden curls that covered her. When she’d had her fill of that, she widened her legs slightly and ran her hands down to caress the soft expanse of her inner thighs. 

Then she slowly repeated the process until her hands were once again cupping her breasts. But this time she opened her eyes, her expression telling him she’d known exactly where he’d been the whole time and was enjoying the way she was teasing him. Taking two steps forward she stood close enough to the glass door to have the tips of her breasts brushing against it. “You going to stand there watching me or are you going to come in and...join me?” she asked him, her voice low and husky. 

Not even recognizing the fact that he was still fully dressed, his feet moved him forward automatically and he walked to the shower and opened the door. “Well, you made such an enticing picture standing there I couldn’t resist.”

“I think one of us is a little overdressed,” she said with a little smirk. “You want some help with that?” 

He nodded and she bunched the hem of his sweater and the t-shirt he was wearing underneath in her hand and pulled them off in one clean motion. Putting her hands on her hips, she looked down at the front of his jeans and the obvious evidence of the effect she was having on him with a critical eye and smirked. “Gee those jeans look awfully....uncomfortable,” she said. Lifting her hands from her hips, she reached out to trace his erection through the fly of his jeans. His hard intake of breath made her smirk even wider. “I think you might be more comfortable if you loosened them a bit.” Moving her hands, she slid open the first button on his jeans. He was wearing button fly Levi’s and while they did take just a bit longer to get off, she’d found over the last few days that she liked them for that very reason. Well, that and the fact that they made his butt look amazing. Having to undo all the buttons gave her just that many more chances to drive him crazy.

Slowly making her way down the front of his jeans, she teased him through the cotton of the thermal underwear he was wearing. “Is that a ski pole in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” she asked when all the buttons were done and he was bulging out of the opening she’d made, hidden from her gaze only by the thermal material. Sliding her hands down inside, she ran one hand over the hard length of his erection, as the other cupped his balls teasingly. “Oh, my, that’s no ski pole is it?” she teased. “That’s all you and nothing but you. I think I may have hit the jackpot.”

“God, Donna...” was all he could manage.

Shifting her hands she moved to his hips and pushed his jeans and thermal underwear down in one smooth stroke. His erection sprang free and she ran her hands over it lovingly, lingering for a moment on the tip, which was already damp from his arousal. “Definitely the jackpot.” She was quiet for a moment as she continued to stroke him lazily. “Now if you think you can get those jeans the rest of the way off without causing yourself bodily injury, I’d like you to join me in here. I’ve been enjoying some interesting fantasies under this waterfall but fantasies are so much better when two people are involved.” She dropped her hands. “Don’t you think?” she asked as she took two steps back so she was once again under the cascade of water. Her hands resumed their slow roaming of her body as she waited for him.

“Oh, yeah,” he replied. Right now there was no way his 760 verbal was going to make an appearance. He was lucky he remembered how to breathe. Managing to yank off the jeans and the long underwear, he stepped into the shower, and closed the door behind him. Taking two steps he stood in front of her, close enough that the tips of her breasts brushed against his chest and his erection brushed against her abdomen. Brushing her hands aside he did what he’d been wanting to do since he’d walked into the bathroom, he cupped her breasts in his palms, teasing her nipples just as he’d seen her to earlier. “Tell me about your fantasies.”

“You and I are shipwrecked on a deserted island,” she began without opening her eyes. “....Maybe near Hawaii.”

He knew she was referring to the fact that she’d often begged him about taking her to Hawaii, but he couldn’t resist teasing her. “Like Gilligan’s Island?” he joked.

She opened one eye and glared at him. “You’re killing the mood here, Josh,” she said.

“Sorry, I was just kidding,” he said with an apologetic grin. “Close your eyes again and let me see if I can get you back in the mood.”

“All right, but this better be good,” she said doing as he asked as the water continued to pound down over them.

“Let me tell you my fantasy of us on a deserted island.”

“Kay,” she said, her breath getting a little shallower as she thought of him having fantasies about her.

“We’re on a deserted island...near Hawaii...where I fully intend on taking you someday very soon...and there’s no one there but us.”

“Hence the deserted part,” Donna replied, getting in her own shot for the Gilligan’s Island comment.

“Now who’s breaking the mood?” Josh asked her.

“You’re right. Sorry. Continue please.”

“I’m at the beach building us a hut, cause I’m a manly man.”

“Despite what Toby says,” Donna told him.

“Okay, have you made up for the Gilligan’s Island thing yet? Because bringing Toby into the discussion at this moment is definitely a mood killer,” Josh told her in exasperation.

Keeping her eyes, closed, she grinned. “Yes, sorry. I’m done now.” Pressing her lower body forward she rubbed up harder against his erection. “Now you were saying something about a hut and being a manly man.”

Josh sucked in a breath. The mood had definitely returned in a flash. “Yeah, I’m building a hut for us, but it’s a hot day and so you’re off getting me some cool water to drink.” If she kept moving her hips against him that way he wasn’t going to get to finish this fantasy so he laid his hands on her hips for a moment to still them. “But you’ve been gone for a while and I miss you and, you know, I’m thirsty so I go looking for you. I hike up to the waterfall where we’ve been getting our fresh water and there you are.”

“What am I doing?” Donna asked, her voice low and husky again.

“I’m glad you asked. You see, you, my dear Donnatella, are quite the vision. You’ve taken off the cut off jean shorts and the slightly tattered white tank top you’ve been wearing since we were shipwrecked and you are standing, completely naked under the rushing....pounding....thrusting water.” He paused and let that sink in for a moment. “And your hands, much like they were a few moments ago, are running slowly... rhythmically over your body. You’re body is tight and needy and crying out to be touched.” His hand slid from her breast, down her body until he was right on the edge of touching her center. “As I watch, your hand slips between your legs and you touch yourself, wishing it were me touching you.” Moving his hand, his fingers slid into her slick heat and he gently, rhythmically stroked her clit.

Donna heart was beating fast and hard in her chest and every nerve in her body seemed to be sending signals to right where he was touching her, leaving it throbbing and hungry for him. “Oh, God, Josh,” she said with a whimper.

His voice was a low growl in her ear. “Now in this fantasy nothing has happened between us up until then so when you open your eyes and see me watching you, you’re surprised at first but then you look at me in the that way you have that says, “I need you now.” His unoccupied hand traced her lips. “You see, we’ve both been fighting what we feel, but we don’t want to fight it anymore.”

“Thank God,” she whispered as his touch continued to consume her with sensation.

“So, stripping off the shorts I’m wearing. I go to you. And I put my arms around you like this.” His arms encircled her, pulling them together from shoulder to hip. “You can feel that I’m already hard and ready to be inside you and pressing low against your abdomen. And I lean in and kiss you just like all the times you’ve dreamed about.” He captured her mouth with his and when her mouth opened for him, his tongue slid into her mouth to slowly dance with hers he tasted the unique and heady flavor of her. “Your arms come up around my neck and you whisper, “Josh...I want you inside me. Take me now.”

Dimly a part of her thought it was a little corny, a little cliché, but right then those nine words were exactly what she was thinking. Opening her eyes, she lifted her arms around his neck. “Josh, I want you inside me. Take me now,” she told him in a tone that was anything but teasing. Her voice was not a request but a demand built from need and the feeling of his body against hers.

“You don’t want to hear the rest of my fantasy?” he managed. He was just as aroused as she was and would be just as happy if he could stop telling her about it and show her instead.

“I’ve always been a big believer in reality. You are my fantasy, Josh. I need you inside me. NOW.”

“Oh, thank God,” he groaned as he kissed her again and pressed her against the wall of the shower. “Widen your stance just a bit,” he told her. After she had, he pulled her left leg high up around his hip and he held it in place. “If I hold you up a bit and help you balance, can you stand on one tip toe for a minute?”

Donna watched him for a second, not quite sure what he was planning but willing to go along with it if it meant that he was going to be inside her. Her body was screaming for him now, dying for the release only he could give her. “Yeah,” she said with a nod. Flexing her muscles, and holding onto him, she stood on tip toe. As she watched, Josh bent his knees slightly and then she felt the tip of his cock press against her center and finally slide inside her. Something about the position made him feel especially big. “OH, JOSH!” she ground out.

He wasn’t sure if she’d spoken in pain or pleasure. “You okay?” 

“Oh, yes. God, yes,” she told him. “It feels amazing.”

He smirked at that, glad that it was door number two because he would have been hard pressed to stop if it had been door number one. As always, the feeling of being inside her had him as randy as a teenager. “Kay. You can stop standing on tip toe now.”

Donna’s leg relaxed and, as her body settled lower, she felt Josh bury himself deeper inside her. “Oh...yes...that.... was....” she began with a gasp. She had to take another breath before she got it out. “That was a very good idea. Now you’ve got to move or I’m going to die.” 

“Wouldn’t want that. Now I’ve never tried this position before, I was trying to be innovative, but....”

“JOSH!” she growled.

“Yeah?”

“High points for innovation. MOVE...NOW!” she demanded.

Smirking again, he tilted his hips slightly and began to thrust into her. He picked up a rhythm that seemed to work for both of them. Being pinned to the shower wall, she couldn’t move very much which left all the work to him, but at the moment, he was perfectly okay with that. If she’d been any shorter, the position wouldn’t have worked. But being tall like she was, they fit perfectly. She was warm and slick and tight around him and having the hardness of the shower wall to press her into was sending him right to the edge. The little moaning sound she was making didn’t hurt either. ”Have I mentioned I love the fact that you’re tall?” he grunted.

“No, I don’t think....God,” she ground out as his body plundered hers. She COULDN’T think was more like it. The physical sensations he was sending through her overrode the ability of her brain to function. Of course the fact that there was probably little blood going to her brain at the moment didn’t help either. “Please, don’t stop. Harder, Josh. Harder.”

Thrusting harder into her, Josh felt the orgasm in his own body rising to levels that wouldn’t be denied much longer but he didn’t want to beat Donna there. He could tell by her words and the tension in her body she was close so he decided to help her along a bit. While he continued to hold her left leg high on his hip, he slid the other hand between their bodies. Finding her center he began to match the rhythm of his finger flicking over her clit with his thrusts.

Donna felt his clever, amazing fingers moving over her clit and then suddenly everything imploded and her body seemed to shred out from under her. With no conscious thought on her part and her nails clawing into his shoulders, she screamed from the pleasure of it as she fell over. Her body seemed to vibrate with spent energy as she came back down. For a second she thought she’d blacked out but then when she hear Josh moan her name, felt his body still thrusting into hers, she realized she’d been so overcome that she’d simply forgotten to open her eyes. And when she did, she nearly came again at the pleasure she saw on Josh’s face, the utter joy in the orgasm that was coursing through him as he thrusted into her for the final time and called out her name.

Too weak to keep holding her leg up, Josh let it slide from his grasp. He leaned against her and for a moment they stood there trying to hold each other up, while also trying to remember how to breathe. Both of them felt like they had spaghetti legs. In unspoken agreement they both sank to the shower floor in a heap. As Josh pulled her into his arms and they laid there under the manmade waterfall, Donna dimly thanked the inventor of the tankless hot water heater because the water that poured down in a waterfall was still as hot and steamy as when they’d begun. If it had been cold, as would have likely been the case if they’d had a regular hot water heater since they’d been in there so long, it would have been very uncomfortable. As it was, she imagined them lying on that tropical island together, under the waterfall fed by underground hot springs, spent and sated from the mind numbing sex.

After her breathing had returned to normal and she felt that there might be a chance she could make her way out of the shower under her own power, she raised her head and looked at Josh. “So did that make-up for the snow falling off the roof?” she asked with a smirk.

He frowned. “Snow? What snow?” He broke into a grin then. “The only thing left in my memory is the amazing sex we just had....oh, and the fact that you asked me to marry you,” he finished with a smirk.

Donna grinned. “Well, those were memorable moments. But...” she began with a pout. “It’s too bad you don’t remember the rest. I was all interested to hear more of that fantasy you had about us on the deserted island.”

Josh’s expression changed. “Oh, wait, it’s all coming back to me now.”

She grinned and leaned down to kiss him. “I had a feeling it would.”

TBC


	10. Broken Glass: Chapters 46-47

**********  
Chapter 46 - ADULT

Josh walked into his office Monday morning feeling recharged and energized and ready to take on Congress with one hand tied behind his back. In his world, especially on the personal front, everything was just about a great as it could be. The specter of the trial was looming on the horizon, but he and Donna were engaged and the rest of their time at the cabin had passed in a blissful blur.

Dropping his backpack on the floor, he sat down behind his desk. He laughed softly and shook his head at how clean and organized it was. Courtesy of Sam and Mrs. Willis, he was sure. Well, he’d take care of that soon enough.

“Good Morning, Mr. Lyman. Well, I see you didn’t break your leg or anything on your vacation,” Mrs. Willis teased him from the doorway. 

He looked up and grinned at her. “Good morning, Mrs. Willis. And you are correct, all my body parts are intact.”

She walked into his office, “Well, I’m sure your budget meeting with the Speaker this afternoon will take care of that.”

“Mrs. Willis, even you’re not going to ruin my good mood today. And as for the Speaker, I’m going to have him begging for mercy by the time our meeting is over.”

“Haffley begs for mercy a lot, does he? Funny how you never hear about that in the papers.”

Josh only grinned. “Well, there’s a first time for everything. Now...is there a point to your visit or did you just come in here to heckle me?”

“Oh, now Mr. Lyman, you know I’m too old and too much of a professional to heckle you,” she told him with a perfectly bland expression. “Of course, I have a point. I always have a point. I believe you hired me for that very reason. I simply came in here to tell you that Mr. Seaborn wanted me to remind you that Senior Staff has been pushed back to 10 am because Mr. McGarry and the President have a breakfast meeting with the British Ambassador and Prime Minister.”

“Oh, that should put Leo in great mood for staff,” Josh remarked.

“Why do you say that?” Mrs. Willis asked with a slightly confused frown.

“Because being in a room with the Ambassador always makes Leo’s head want to spin around and he usually takes it out on us.”

“But I’ve heard that Lord John Marbury is quite charming.”

“Why Mrs. Willis, are you closet anglophile?

She threw her hands up. “If you’re going to tease me, then I’m going to go back to my desk.”

“You mean all this time, all I had to do is tease you to make you go away?” he said with a smirk, enjoying himself immensely.

“Okay, I think I’d better have a talk with Miss Moss about limiting any more vacation time you might want to take. You come back with quite the mouth on you,” she replied.

“Just trying to keep up with you, Mrs. Willis.”

“There’s no reason to get nasty, Mr. Lyman,” she replied, but there was a flash of a little smile in her eyes. Then she was all business again. “Now, since you’ve got a reprieve from staff for a few hours and you’ve been out of the office for a week, I suggest you get to work.” With that she swept out of the office, closing the door behind her.

Feeling like he’d won that round, Josh grinned. He knew that even with Sam filling in for him while he’d been gone he did have quite a bit of backlog to get through from the past week. But before he dove in, there was a call that he needed to make. One of two he’d promised Donna he would make before the day was out. Because of the time difference, the second one, to Stanley Keyworth in San Francisco, would have to wait until later in the day. Staring at the phone for a moment, he picked up the receiver and dialed the number for Assistant US Attorney Thomas Penfield’s office.

**********

Two hours later, Sam walked into the bullpen. He was planning on attending staff that morning as a debriefing from the previous week. “Good Morning, Mrs. Willis. You’re looking well today. Is he free?”

“Good Morning, Mr. Seaborn,” she told him pleasantly. “Yes, he’s just trying to get some work done before staff. You can go in.”

“Thanks,” Sam said with a smile. They’d gotten along famously while Josh had been gone. If she’d had a jar of cookies on her desk she’d be a slightly older, plumper, dark-haired version of Mrs. Landingham. “Has he been giving you any trouble today?”

She gave him her best long suffering look. “Well, so far it’s nothing I can’t handle, but the day is young yet. Let’s just say you better go in there with your wit polished. He’s feeling feisty today,” she commented.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Sam grinned as he gave a quick knock on the door. Hearing a “come in” he opened the door and went inside. 

Josh was seated behind the desk, which was now completely unrecognizable from the neat and organized state that he had found it in two hours before. “Hey, Sam,” he said with a wide grin as he leaned back in his chair.

“So is it safe to say that from the grin permanently etched on your face, which by the way, matches the one I saw permanently etched on Donna’s this morning, that you both had a good time in Virginia?” Sam said as he plopped down in one of the visitor’s chairs.

“I think ‘good’ would be a gross understatement, Sam,” Josh replied. “So, you saw Donna this morning?”

“Yeah, I stopped by the office on my way in. She and I went over some things that I need to take care of there now that you’re back.”

“Did she get the flowers?”

Sam grinned. “Yeah, she did.”

“Did she like them?” Josh asked excitedly.

“Two dozen long stemmed red and white roses? Yeah, I think it’s safe to say she loved them. I gotta say, Josh, I’m impressed by your ability to pull out all the stops to woo her.”

Josh grinned and shrugged. “I intend to woo her everyday for the rest of her life.”

“Well, she got so choked up when she read the card this morning she couldn’t speak and she never would tell me what it said. You want to share?”

Josh grinned, happy that Donna had loved the flowers and the card. “Well, I’m not going to go into details but basically I thanked her for the great week in Virginia and for asking me to marry her.”

Sam nearly fell out of his chair. “She asked you marry her?”

Josh frowned. “Yeah, I assumed she told you.”

“No, she didn’t. We were talking about work stuff and then she got the flowers so I guess she didn’t have a chance. So why did SHE ask YOU?”

“What? Am I not marriage material?” Josh asked trying not to get a little miffed with Sam. “There are those who think I’m quite the catch. Donna included.”

Sam grinned and held up his hand. “I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant didn’t YOU want to ask HER?” Sam asked.

“Of course I did,” Josh told him. “I’d thought about asking her for a while and she knew that. We talked about marriage when we decided to move in together but the time wasn’t right then,” Josh told him. “But when she asked me last week...it seemed like absolutely the right thing at the right time.”

Sam smiled warmly and reaching out, shook Josh’s hand. “Well, congratulations, Josh. I’m really happy for you two. Did you set a date yet?”

“No, but we talked about the wedding a bit. She wants a small one with just friends and close family,” Josh replied. “Speaking of which, Sam, I was wondering....I mean...well, how would you feel about being my best man?”

Sam was speechless for moment. “I’d....I’d be honored, Josh. Thank you.”

“Just promise me one thing,” Josh told him.

“What’s that?”

“No wild bachelor party or anything,” Josh said, remembering the last bachelor party he’d gone to. The one after which he’d wound up passed out and snoring on the floor of his office, smelling like a dumpster, covered in all manner of vile things, and a pair of the stripper’s red panties hanging around his neck. “I’d rather just go out to the Hawk and Dove and have a couple of beers with you and Toby.”

“You don’t have to tell me. If I were to let things get out of hand I couldn’t run far or fast enough to hide from Donna’s wrath, not to mention CJ’s.”

Josh grinned. “I hate to tell you this, but you’d probably also have to deal with the First Lady. She and Donna got pretty close when we were in Manchester. And you know if the First Lady is involved...”

“The President won’t be far behind,” Sam said with a “deer caught in the headlights” look in his eyes. “You know, maybe I should rethink the bachelor party idea.”

Josh laughed. “Well, seeing as how we haven’t set a date yet, you’ve got some time to think about it.”

“Or worry about it, as the case may be,” Sam replied.

Just then a knock sounded and Mrs. Willis opened the door. “You two are going to be late for staff.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Willis,” he said. With a nod, she left the door open and went back to her desk.

Both of them stood up and Josh slid his jacket on. Grabbing the rest of their things, the two of them headed for Leo’s office.

“So how are you and Mrs. Willis getting along?” Sam asked him when they were out of her earshot.

“We have a love-hate thing going on. I love to hate her and she loves to hate me,” Josh explained with a grin. “Actually she excels at her job and she keeps me on my toes. I see her as a composite of my mother, Donna, Mrs. Landingham and Attila the Hun.”

Sam laughed at that. “Sounds about right.”

“How did you two get along while I was gone?”

“I had no problems whatsoever. I wowed her with my boyish charm, of course,” Sam replied smugly.

“Sam, you’re not dating her or anything now are you?” Josh teased him.

“Okay, eww, Josh, seriously, she’s old enough to be my mother.” Sam said as they entered Leo’s office.

Leo was already seated behind his desk and CJ and Toby were sitting on his couch, chatting about the press coverage of the upcoming European summit. “Glad to see that you guys could join us,” Leo said, not glancing up from the brief he was reading.

“Sorry Leo, we lost track of the time,” Josh replied.

“You really need to work on your excuses, ‘cause that one sucked about as much as ‘the dog ate my homework.’” Leo replied distractedly, still not looking up from the brief.

“We were talking about Josh and Donna’s engagement,” Sam blurted out, knowing it would serve as a proper excuse. Of course, he didn’t consider the fact that Josh might want to announce the engagement himself.

His words went off like a silence bomb in the room. CJ and Toby stopped in mid-sentence and Leo finally looked up from the brief. Because all the doors were standing open, even Margaret heard Sam’s comment from her desk. Almost automatically, she got up and walked to the doorway and was now standing there silently.

Josh sighed. That wasn’t quite how he’d planned to share the news of their engagement. “You know, Sam, I can still replace you as my best man.”

Sam, now realizing he’d stuck his foot in his mouth, swallowed hard and did his best to look sheepishly apologetic. “I’m sorry, I was just, you know, looking for a better excuse.”

“Wait,” Leo demanded, standing up behind his desk. “Was Sam just doing his White House stand up, or was he serious?”

This time Sam remained wisely silent, leaving Josh to answer. “No, he was serious.”

“You mean you and Donna and are engaged?” CJ demanded from the couch.

“Yeah. We got engaged when we were in Virginia.”

She went from stern to elated in one glance. “That’s GREAT!” Getting off the couch she went over to him and pulled him into a hug. Then promptly smacked him on the back of the head with the pad she had in her hand. 

“OW!! What was that for?!” he demanded.

“For waiting so long to ask her,” CJ explained.

“Actually, he didn’t ask her. Donna asked him,” Sam said.

Another silence bomb.

Josh glanced at Sam, “Seriously Sam, the best man thing is fading fast.”

Sam just swallowed. “Okay, you know what, I’m just going to stop talking for the rest of the day.”

“Yeah, I think that would be wise,” Josh replied.

“What’s with all the commotion in here?” the President said as he walked through the door connecting Leo’s office with the Oval, which had also been partially open during their discussion. 

“Good Morning, sir,” they said as they all stood up.

“Morning,” he replied. “Now what’s all the excitement about?”

They all looked at Sam expectantly. 

“Oh, NOW you want me to talk,” he replied. “The problem is I really want to be best man and so I’m going to refer you back to my earlier statement about not talking for the rest of the day.” Realizing he was talking when he, well, wasn’t supposed to be, he paused. “Starting now.”

“Have I ever mentioned that there are times when you are all one step above ill-behaved teenagers? And a small step at that.” The President told them. “Wait a minute...Sam, did you just say you wanted to be best man?”

Sam had to resist the urge to fidget nervously. By making the best man comment, he’d once again inadvertently let the cat out of the bag. But the President had just asked him a question so he really couldn’t not answer. He settled for nodding rather than speaking.

The President looked around the room. “Who’s getting married?”

“That would be me, sir,” Josh replied, unable to hide his grin. “Donna and I got engaged last week.”

“You’re kidding?” Jed said with more delighted surprise than doubt in his voice.

“No, sir,” Josh replied.

“That’s extraordinary, Josh,” Jed said, coming forward to envelope him in a hug. “Congratulations.” He released Josh and took a step back. “So how did you talk her into marrying you?” he teased.

“We were just getting to that, sir,” Toby said, with a tiny smirk peeking out from under his beard. “According to Sam, Donna was the one who did the asking.”

“It that true, Josh?” Jed asked him.

“Yes, sir. She did ask me to marry her,” Josh told him honestly. 

“Would you care to explain yourself?” Jed said warningly. “Do you have something against marriage? Didn’t you want to marry her?” He sounded just like her surrogate father, which, after all Donna had been through, is about what he felt like.

Not that it would have mattered, but when Donna asked him to marry her, he had no idea there was going to be so much explaining involved. “On the contrary, Mr. President, I have nothing against marriage, especially when it’s to Donna. I’ve been thinking about marrying her ever since we got back from Manchester.”

“So why didn’t you?!” CJ demanded.

Okay, now he was getting a irked at the direction of the conversation. He put his hands on his hips. “Not that it’s any of your business, CJ, but after everything Donna’s gone through in the last 7 months, I wanted the decision to be hers,” he snapped. 

CJ realized she’d been giving him a pretty hard time when he’d only been putting Donna’s needs before his. Her expression softened. “You really are very sweet sometimes,” she told him.

He remembered when she’d used that phrase on him before and he couldn’t help but smile. “Not really, I just love her.” There was a silence as everyone took that in.

As usual, Toby was the first to recover. “Well, I’m glad you two finally worked things out,” he said stepping forward and, in an uncommon show of how deeply he valued Josh, and Donna for that matter, as a friend, he pulled him into a hug. “Mosel tov, Josh.” He paused for a second. “Oh, and if that best man thing comes open, I’m available.”

Josh had to laugh while Sam glared at Toby. “Thanks.” Josh glanced at Sam with a grin. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

Toby released him and stepped back. Leo rounded his desk and held out his hand. His relationship with Josh in the last year, since the blow-up over Carrick, had been rocky at best, but he couldn’t be happier for Josh. He’d expected this day since the first campaign when he saw the way Josh would look at Donna when he thought no one was looking. “Congratulations, Josh,” he said with a sincere smile.

Josh also knew that his relationship with Leo had not been the best in the last year and would never be the way it was in the early days of the administration. Too many mistakes had been made by both of them. But he would always value Leo’s opinion. He reached out and shook Leo’s hand warmly. “Thanks, Leo.”

“So is your fiancée gonna let you keep your own name? Or will we be calling you Joshua Moss?” Toby asked with a completely straight face. Sam snorted at that.

“That’s Lyman-Moss to you,” Josh told him with mock seriousness. “Actually I asked her about that and she said I could keep my name if I wanted to.”

“Well, Donna’s a very modern woman,” CJ said with a grin. “So, show us your ring.”

They all snickered at that. “I’m glad you’re all getting so much mileage out of this.” Josh said with a good natured grin. Even their teasing couldn’t dent happiness he felt at the fact that he was marrying Donna. “I’M taking HER ring shopping this week. Even though she asked me, she’ll be the one getting the engagement ring.”

“Good answer,” Jed told him. “I can’t wait to tell Abbey about this. Did you guys set a date or a place yet?”

“No, sir. Just that we want a small wedding with close friends and family,” Josh told him. “But Donna made it a point to say she’d be honored to have you and Mrs. Bartlet attend. We’d both be honored, sir.”

Jed beamed proudly. “It’s Abbey and I who would be honored to come. I’m sure that Abbey will want to have to two of you over for dinner in the near future so she can grill Donna about the details,” Jed told him.

“Donna and I would like that, sir. Thank you.”

The Chief of Staff part of Leo took over at that point. “Okay, now that we’ve got that out of the way and if everyone is done hazing Josh, can we get back to running the country?”

**********

The following Saturday found Donna working on what was turning out to be a major project back at the apartment. There had still been a number of left over boxes shoved into the closet and into various corners of the apartment from when Josh had moved in and she was determined to get them unpacked and the contents put in the proper place. Most of them were papers and files mixed in with books that ran the gamut from congressional law, constitutional law, general law, history, politics and even some fiction. He’d told her not to worry about them but she knew that he’d never get around to organizing them if she didn’t do it for him. Josh would be at the White House all day for some meetings and so she thought it was the perfect time to get things in order. Otherwise he’d try and help her and it would take three times as long.

It was easy to see that she didn’t have enough storage for everything and she didn’t want to throw anything away in case it might be important. That meant she had to come up with some new storage solutions. So after doing some measuring in the apartment and making a few plans, she’d gone out and gotten one four shelf barrister wooden bookcase with glass doors for his books and a matching two drawer wooden lateral file cabinet for his papers and files. She paid extra to get the floor models, which were in perfect shape and already assembled and to have both pieces delivered before lunch. She reasoned that the extra money she’d paid would be worth it to have everything put away and organized before Josh got home that night.

So while she waited for the delivery truck to arrive, she’d begun sorting through everything and making piles so all she’d have to do once the furniture was in place was put things away. After threatening Harley with a month of no laying on the couch if he touched or even breathed on one of her carefully constructed piles, she’d made enormous progress already and was down to the last two boxes. Sitting cross legged on the living room floor, she pulled the top off the next box.  
Reaching in, she grabbed a wad of files and had to laugh. There was no rhyme or reason to how Josh had put these files in the boxes. She could see he’d basically just dumped everything in without giving any thought to subject or age or...anything. Files and papers back from when he’d been in college were mixed in with files and papers he’d worked on in the last year. Thumbing through the pile she’d pulled out, she began to separate them into smaller piles that would eventually get moved to the bigger piles spread around the room. Most of the papers and files she recognized or had heard him speak of. At the very least, she could follow the train of thought he’d been using when he’d been working on them. Everything, of course, was basically personal and non-White House and of the few documents and notes that were work related all were non-confidential and non-proprietary.

There was a bunch of his old tax returns and bank statements. There was a file he’d put together on a farm subsidy plan that had gone nowhere. There was a file of notes he’d made in law school about a case his class had been studying. Donna laughed when she saw the notes he’d made in the margin about what a dumbkiss the professor had been. There was a file of what looked to be 300-year-old restaurant menus from the area in and around Harvard that he must have saved from his college days. At the very bottom of the pile was a new, crisp looking file folder. A note was pinned to the front and she recognized Sam’s neat, angular handwriting. It read:

Josh, 

This is your copy of the Delaware Articles of Incorporation and the Certificate of Incorporation. I’ve also included a copy of our Federal Tax ID number. I already have copies of everything for my files.

Let me know if you have any questions.

Sam 

Donna frowned and looked at the tag on the folder. “J&S Enterprises, Inc.,” it read. ‘J&S,’ as in Josh & Sam? Could it be so simple? she wondered. Why on earth would they have created a corporation? It wasn’t like either of them to set up something like that as a tax dodge or anything remotely illegal. There was no date on the note or the outside of the folder so she didn’t know if this corporation was a new thing or had happened when they’d known each other during the time before the campaign. But from the condition of the note and the folder, she would guess it was something relatively new.

Her fingers itched to open the folder. She felt a little weird about looking into this closer but it wasn’t like Josh had told her NOT to look in his things and she couldn’t imagine that he would mind. She could have just waited and ask him about it when he got home, but it was probably nothing and so if she looked now she’d save him having to explain later. Okay, so she was justifying. Truth was, if she had to wait to ask him when he got home, her curiosity was going to eat her alive.

“Oh, just open the damn thing,” she muttered.

Flipping open the cover she looked inside. Scanning the agreement she saw the date they’d signed it and knew that was recent. In fact, thinking quickly, she realized they’d formed it right after her assault. But that did nothing to explain WHY they’d done it. Thumbing through the rest of the file she finally found the answer in the papers in the back.

It was a copy of an agreement between J&S Enterprises, Inc., and the Metro Property Management Company. Metro was the property management company that she paid the rent to each month. The agreement stated that J&S would pay Metro for the full amount of the rent on Donna’s apartment every month and Metro would then turn around and refund J&S the rent Donna was paying. The amount of the rent was also listed in the agreement and when Donna read it, her eyes nearly popped out of her head. She’d only been paying about 35% of the entire rent. She also found copies of the sales receipt for her washer and dryer and the work order for having them installed. Both had been paid for by J&S Enterprises, Inc.

Tears swam in Donna’s eyes and she pressed her hand to her mouth. She wanted to be so angry that they hadn’t told her about this and the fact that the two of them had been paying such a huge part of her rent, but the truth was she thought it was about the sweetest, nicest thing anyone had ever done for her. She looked around the apartment that she loved so much. When she’d left the White House Residence, this apartment had been such a haven for her. After all the trauma she’d been through, she’d felt safe here and comfortable here. For that she would be forever thankful. 

She knew that they hadn’t done it to deceive or trick her, they were just being...well, Josh and Sam. The men, along with Toby and the President, with the two biggest hearts she’d ever known. The consummate fixers. They saw the problem of her needing a safe place to live and they’d fixed it. Besides, if they had told her they were going to help her pay the rent she wouldn’t have let them. The pain she’d been in and her pride would have made her fight them on it every step of the way.

The ringing of the phone startled her out of her reverie and she suddenly felt a little like she’d been caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Setting the file aside, she got up and went to answer it. “Hello?”

“Donna?”

“Mrs. Bartlet?” she replied with a frown. Why would she be calling?

“Donna, you don’t work at the White House any more I think we can dispense with the ‘Mrs. Bartlet’ formality. To my friends, I’m just Abbey.”

Donna let out a breath to try and clear away the rest of the tears and she smiled. “Sorry....Abbey.”

“That’s better. Now, are you okay, Donna?” Abbey asked. “You sound like you’ve been crying.”

Donna considered making up an excuse but Abbey had come to be very important to her in the last few months and she wanted to tell her the truth. “Well, I have been crying a little. I just found out about a secret that Josh and Sam have been keeping from me.”

“What have those two jackasses done now?” Abbey demanded. “Would you like me have them killed? I’m sure Jed would be happy to see to it if they’ve done something to hurt you. At the very least, he’d have them strung up by their thumbs in the Northwest Lobby as an example to others.”

Donna laughed, a few new tears forming at both the image Abbey had just described and the fact that she’d had two of her very own guardian angels all this time and hadn’t known it. “I guess I should have made myself clearer. The tears were happy tears because the secret was something was unbelievably sweet and thoughtful.”

“Oh,” Abbey said, clearly a bit surprised. “In that case I’ll have Jed name something after them. Maybe a plane for Josh and a ship for Sam.”

Donna laughed again. “I think a plane and a ship wouldn’t be enough in this case.”

“Well, I’ll give it some thought,” Abbey replied. “So can you tell me about this amazing thing they did?”

“You have to promise not to tell anyone that I know,” Donna told her.

“My lips are sealed. Now spill.” Abbey listened as Donna told her about the file and it’s contents. When Abbey spoke her voice was a little misty too. “Well, you’re right, Donna, that’s about the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“I know,” Donna agreed. 

“Are you going to tell him you know that you know about the rent?”

“Well, eventually I will. But I’m guessing that we’ll be house hunting at some point and so it won’t be an issue for too much longer. Maybe when we move into the house I’ll spring it on him. I’m going to have to find a way to thank Sam, too.”

“Any ideas on how to do that?”

“I was thinking I needed to find him a good woman. Got any ideas?” Donna asked her.

“No, not right off the top of my head. It’s an excellent idea though. Sam is definitely the family man type.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Donna replied.

“Well, Mallory got married last year so that leaves her out.” Abbey thought for a moment. “Hey, what about the woman that used to work in the counsel’s office?” she said. “You know, the blonde Republican that kicked his ass on TV?”

“Ainsley Hayes. Hmmm,” Donna said, the wheels already turning in her head. “That’s definitely an intriguing idea.”

“A time or two I swear I caught Sam looking at her like a starving man eying a good steak,” Abbey told her. “What ever happened to her?”

“She got a job offer to work on the Hill in the Majority counsel’s office and it was too good to pass up. I haven’t heard from her for a while. She e-mailed me right after my ‘resurrection’ to see if I was okay and if she could do anything.”

“I saw her at your funeral,” Abbey said.

“I know. She also sent Josh a really nice condolence letter,” Donna told her. “She and I kind of became friends when she was still working at the White House. I’ll have to e-mail her and see if she and I can have lunch. Now that I’m working for Sam I’d be in a great position to get them together.”

“Why, Donna, aren’t you quite the matchmaker?”

Donna smirked, “One of my many hidden talents.”

“Well, if I can help with invitations for her to any White House functions or anything let me know,” Abbey told her. “Wait, won’t Josh be mad if you set Sam up with a Republican?”

“Not if it’s Ainsley,” Donna grinned. “He told me once if there had to be a Republican in the White House counsels office they’d better look like Ainsley Hayes.”

Abbey laughed. “Sounds like Josh.”

“Tell, me about it.”

“Now, speaking of Josh...” Abbey said. “The reason I was calling was because Jed tells me that you and he are engaged.”

“Yes,” Donna said with a grin. “We got engaged when were in Virginia on vacation.”

“Well, congratulations. I also heard that YOU asked him.”

“Yes, I did. It just seemed like the right time,” Donna told her.

“That’s very ‘Gloria Steinem’ of you, Donna.”

“Not really,” she replied. “He wanted to ask me and he told me so before Christmas but he knew I wasn’t ready and I think he figured that when I was ready I would let him know. My way of letting him know was just to come right out and ask him if he’d marry me.”

Abbey laughed. “The direct approach, hmmm?”

Donna grinned, “Something like that.”

“My source also tells me that you and your fiance went ring shopping this week.”

“Yes, we did. And you should see the ring he bought me,” she looked down at the ring gleaming on her finger. “It’s definitely not what you’d call ‘traditional,’ but then nothing about our relationship has ever been traditional. I knew the moment I saw it, that it was the one I wanted. It’s a platinum filigree band done in a floral pattern with small diamonds covering it.”

“Sounds gorgeous.”

“It is,” Donna said happily. “We also picked out matching platinum wedding bands while we were there.”

“I’m really happy for you,” Abbey said with a smile. “But...I’m still not going to excuse the fact that I had to hear all this happy news from my husband, instead of you.”

“Oh, Abbey, I’m so sorry,” Donna told her. “I was going to call you but I’ve been so busy getting caught up after being out on vacation that I....”

Abbey didn’t let her finish. “I was just teasing you Donna. You’re forgiven since Jed also told me that you made it a point to tell Josh you wanted to invite us.”

“I do. Josh and I would love it if you and the President could be there.”

“For you, my dear, Donna, we will make it a Presidential decree to be there.”

“Actually, Abbey, I was wondering....I mean I haven’t even mentioned this to Josh yet and we haven’t picked a place or even a date, but do you think....well, do you think that the President would consider walking me down the aisle?”

There was a slight pause at the other end of the phone, “Donna, to say he would be thrilled to walk you down the aisle is a gross understatement.” She paused again. “But what about your own father?”

Donna sighed softly. “Well, I think you know that my relationship with my parents is not the best. I’m not sure I even want to invite them to the wedding. I think having them there would only serve to make things...unpleasant.”

“I tell you what,” Abbey said. “Why don’t you talk to Josh about it and see what he thinks. I won’t say anything to Jed about it yet and if you still want him to walk you down the aisle you can ask him when you come over here for dinner.”

“Dinner?” Donna asked, with a frown. “Did Josh accept an invitation to dinner and forget to tell me?”

Abbey laughed. “No, sorry. I’m getting ahead of myself. The other reason I called you today was to invite you and Josh over for dinner this week. You can tell me all about your vacation and the engagement and I can see the fabulous engagement ring he bought you.”

“Oh, I’d like that.”

“And you’ll drag Josh along? Even if he’s kicking and screaming?” Abbey said with a chuckle.

Donna laughed. “Not at all, I’m sure he’d love to have dinner with you and the President.” She grinned. “As long as you don’t make him chop any wood, that is.”

“Well, he should be pretty safe,” Abbey told her with a grin. “Although if he says anything about me cheating at cards, all bets are off.”

***********

‘Well, here we are,’ Donna thought as she, flanked on each side by Josh and Sam, sat down in the last row of the courtroom. It was late February and the trial was finally beginning. Jury selection, pre-trial motions and a round of flu that had been passed between the judge, the honorable Phillip Smith, Assistant US Attorney Penfield and the defense attorney, a smarmy, but legally savvy little man named Brice Harris, had all conspired to keep the trial from starting any sooner. 

In the weeks leading up to the trial, there had been one other interesting development. Weaver had, against his lawyers advice, changed his plea to guilty, but guilty by reason of insanity. The twist was he still refused to outrightly confess to the crimes or give any details as to his motive. The insanity plea was seen by many experts and commentators, to be the only way that Weaver could avoid the death penalty. The forsensic evidence against him was just too great and to solid to get an acquital. That meant that instead of Harris having to prove that Weaver did not commit the murders, his task was to convince the jury that Weaver was crazy because only an insane person would do the things he did. A similar defense had been used in the trial of Jeffrey Dahmer.

On the other hand, that meant that Penfield needed to prove that Weaver was not legally insane -- that he knew what he was doing was wrong, but did it anyway. In others words, Weaver was an evil psychopath who stalked his victims, assaulted and murdered them in cold blood.

“You ready for this?” Josh asked her softly.

“Yeah,” she told him with a little smile. “As ready as I’m gonna be.”

“Just remember, we’re right here with you,” he told her.

Donna nodded and looked around the large courtroom. The press by in large had been barred from the courtroom, but she knew from the gauntlet they’d had to cross to get inside they were outside in full force. People were gathering in courtroom, filling up the empty seats and taking their places as the time drew closer for the session to begin. Of the 100 seats that were available in the courtroom, 38 were for the families of Weavers's victims and the remaining 62 for public spectators. Of the public spectators, Donna knew of 5 that were reporters from the print media. The defense and prosecution teams were already assembled at their respective tables. Weaver, the jury, and then Judge Smith would be the last ones to enter and take their seats.

Josh, who was sitting on her left and holding her hand, looked calm and confident in a sharp dark blue suit paired with the periwinkle blue shirt she loved. He’d met with Stanley twice since they’d returned from Virginia and he seemed to have things under control and was ready to do his part in testifying. Sam, looking cool and competent in his dark suit, white shirt and horn-rimmed glasses, sat on her left. Although the plan was for one of the two of them to accompany her to court everyday, they both wanted to be there for the first day. Josh wanted to be there for Donna. Sam, as their lawyer, wanted to be there for opening arguments and, as their friend, he wanted to be there to support them.

As they waited for the rest of the players in her personal courtroom drama to arrive, Donna thought back over the last few weeks since her phone call that Saturday morning with Abbey and was pleased that a number of things had been worked out for their wedding. 

They’d picked a date. It would be Christmas Eve day at the end of the year. Donna reasoned that would keep Josh from ever forgetting their anniversary. The larger truth was while the holidays had never been that special for either of them in past, together they’d found the magic of the season and they could think of no more fitting time to exchange their vows to one another.

They’d picked a place. During dinner with the Bartlet’s, Abbey had suggested that, because getting married at the White House would cause too much publicity for the low key wedding they wanted and because it had played such a big part in their relationship, they should get married at the house in Manchester. Plus, with the Bartlets and Zoey attending the wedding, it would have the added benefit of not making the Secret Service crazy with trying to make outside security arrangements. Josh and Donna had both loved the idea. Since it was going to be December and therefore, basically the middle of winter in New Hampshire, Abbey planned to clear all the furniture out of the main living room and bring in chairs so they could hold the ceremony there in front of the roaring fireplace.

They’d finalized the wedding party. Sam had managed, just barely, to hang onto the best man title and CJ had snagged the spot as the maid of honor. That would be all the attendants they would have. Donna, after talking it over with Josh, had decided not to invite her parents. She’d been a little afraid he’d urge her to invite them, but he’d actually been relieved she didn’t want them there. He’d told her honestly that after everything they’d done and the way they’d failed to protect her, he didn’t want them there either. He said he hadn’t told her before then because he didn’t want to pressure her into any decision she might make. Consequently, the President had accepted Donna’s request to have him walk her down the aisle. The only problem with that, and it really wasn’t so much of a problem as an interesting development, was the fact that now whenever they were in a non-work setting, the President played the part of protective father and was giving Josh a hard time about marrying his ‘daughter’ as often as he possibly could. 

There had also been one other interesting development. Only this one had been in a ‘non-wedding’ matter. And that development was, even now, sitting on Sam’s left looking beautiful and confident in her tan Donna Karan suit, her long blonde hair fixed in a professional and neatly braided bun at the nape of her neck. True to what she’d told Abbey, Donna had e-mailed Ainsley for lunch and the two of them had gotten together to catch up. Ainsley had driven and when she brought Donna back to the office, Donna had asked her to come in and see the place. Apparently the time she and Sam had been out of the White House and outside each other’s sphere’s hadn’t mattered much, because Sam had taken one look at Ainsley and gotten that “starving man eyeing a steak” look in his eyes. As for Ainsley, she was a woman who could appreciate a good cut of beef herself, and she’d done a little “eyeing” of her own. From there, all it had taken was for Donna to invite both of them over for dinner, without telling the other one, or you know, Josh, ahead of time. They’d started officially dating shortly after that and their dates had been getting more and more frequent during the last two weeks. Donna expected that it wouldn’t be long before they’d be doing more than just “eyeing” each other. Ainsley was in court with them today both as a support for Donna and because she’d agreed to help out Sam if he needed anything extra on the legal front during the trial so she wanted to be there for the opening statements.

Josh squeezed her hand, snapping her thoughts back to the present. “Here he comes,” he whispered. 

Donna had mentally steeled herself for this moment. There was no way that Weaver didn’t know she was alive. Besides the fact that one of the counts he was charged with was ‘attempted’ murder, which pretty much screamed the fact she wasn’t dead, newspapers and TVs were plentiful in jail. He had to know by now that he’d failed to kill his first victim, or at least the first one after his sister.

Weaver casually walked in with two guards in tow. He was dressed in a plain gray suit and they’d removed his shackles in a small, secured anteroom just off the courtroom. After all, you can’t have the defendant appear in open court dressed in his orange jumpsuit and restraints. Might make the jury think he was, you know, guilty. His dark hair was cut military short and he looked more like a salesman than a rapist and murderer.

Donna had seen his picture, both in the paper and when they’d been in Mike Casper’s office, but beyond that she felt no spark of recognition at seeing him walk into the courtroom. No instant recall or flashback. The memory just wasn’t there. But when she saw him lazily scan the room on the way to the defense table and his eyes stopped to linger on her with a chilling gleam in them, it took squeezing the life out of Josh’s hand and every scrap of courage she had to keep her eyes and her face bland and unaffected. As his guards took their places off to the side, Weaver got to his seat at the defense table. Just before he turned to sit down, he winked at her.

She felt the anger radiating off of Josh and the outrage from Sam. But they both waited until Weaver had sat down at the table and had his back to them before speaking or showing any kind of reaction.

“You okay?” Josh whispered softly. “I can’t believe he just did that.”

She smiled at him, “I’m okay,” she replied quietly, “But let’s just say I’m glad I don’t have to stand up at the moment because I’m not sure that my legs would hold me up.”

“You’re doing fine,” Sam told her. “He’s just trying to psych you out.”

“He’s doing a good job,” Donna told him.

“Only if you let him see he’s getting to you,” Sam said.

Josh squeezed her hand and spoke softly in her ear. “You’re stronger than he is, Donna. You and I are going to help put him away and he’ll never hurt you or anyone else again.” 

Donna nodded, but before she could think of a reply, the bailiff announced Judge Smith and the courtroom rose as he entered. She took a deep breath. The trial she’d waited so long for had officially begun. 

And she knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that seeing it through to the end was going to be a long hard road.

**********

Josh was just coming out of the Oval when his cell phone rang. Pulling it out, he saw it was Sam. Because of Josh’s heavy schedule today, Sam had gone to court with Donna that morning. It was Thursday afternoon one week into the trial and the prosecution was well into presenting it’s case to the jury. Josh was scheduled to testify the following week. Although he wasn’t exactly looking forward to it, his sessions with Stanley had helped him with his anxiety over it quite a bit.

“Hey, Sam. How’s it going?” he said into the phone as he walked back to the bullpen.

“Hey,” Sam replied quietly.

Josh picked up on Sam’s tone right away and it sent his antenna into overdrive. “Sam? What’s wrong?”

“I just....I didn’t realize.” 

“Sam, what are you talking about?” Josh said, his heart beginning to pound. “Did something happen in court today? Where’s Donna?”

“I just dropped her off at home,” Sam replied.

“What’s going on?” Josh asked he walked into his office and closed the door. He heard Sam take a steadying breath, which did nothing to relieve his fears.

“Penfield began to profile Weaver’s victims today,” Sam began almost a little mechanically. “Since, besides his sister, Donna was the first, he started with her.” 

Dropping down into his chair, Josh found himself holding his breath and all but praying that his suspicions about what Sam was going to say next were wrong.

“They showed the photos in court today,” Sam said. “The police photos of Donna after the attack.” He swallowed audibly. “When she was in the hospital.”

“What the hell?!!” Josh exploded, slamming his fist down on the desk. “Penfield told us he wasn’t going to get to those until Monday! I wanted to be there with her for that!”

“Well, he apparently moved it up.” It took Sam a second to continue. “Josh, I know you told me she was beaten pretty badly, and I did see her a couple of days later, but to see it...I...there are no words. I’ve seen some bad things but never involving someone I care about.”

As much as Josh wanted to start throwing things and take his anger out on Sam, he knew it wasn’t Sam’s fault and he had to keep it together. “Yeah, Sam, I know,” he said getting control of his temper and letting out a breath. “I was there to see it firsthand. It was a dark, dark day all around.” Now for his real concern. “How did Donna take seeing the pictures?”

Sam laughed mirthlessly. “She was a rock. God, Josh, the woman is stronger than any ten people I know. On the way back to your apartment, she saw how much the pictures bothered me and she was comforting ME.”

Josh frowned slightly as the wheels began to turn in his head. “She was okay? She wasn’t upset?”

“No, she was solid,” Sam told him. “Although she did take my hand when the pictures came out, which, in hindsight, might have been as much for me as for her, she just sat there in court and took it all in.”

His frowned deepened. “Really?” While he didn’t expect her to break down in court, it sounded like she’d been a little too cool and controlled under the circumstances. She was strong and she’d come a thousand miles since the attack but something didn’t feel right. He needed to talk to her.

“Yeah, really. She was....wait,” Sam said as he began to hear some of the worry in Josh’s voice. “Is something wrong? Did I miss something? I swear, Josh, she was fine when I dropped her off. I never would have left her if there’d been even a hint of something being wrong.”

“No, I know,” he said, trying to reassure Sam. “I’m sure it’s fine,” he lied. “I’m probably just being over protective. I’m sorry that the pictures were kind of sprung on you. Like I said, I planned to be there with her for that part of the trial. You gonna be okay?”

Sam let out a breath. “Yeah, I just wanted to tell you because I knew you would understand.”

“Yeah, I can definitely understand.” Josh paused for a moment, trying to not let his worry about Donna overwhelm him. He had to talk to her. “Look, Sam, I have to go. I’ve got a thing.”

“Oh, sure. Thanks for talking to me about this.”

Josh struggled to keep his voice calm and even. “No problem. Thanks for calling to tell me. I’ll talk to you later.” 

Josh ended the call and slid the phone back in his pocket. He stared down at his desk but didn’t see anything of the papers and documents lying there. Damn Penfield. Josh had wanted to be there with Donna when they showed the photos. He was pretty sure Donna had never seen them and no matter how calm she’d acted in court and in front of Sam, it must have been difficult for her. Anger seemed to explode out of him all at once and he viciously shoved a stack of files off the desk. “Dammit!”

Yanking the phone back out of his pocket he started to press the speed dial for the apartment. He had to talk to her. Had to find out if she was really okay. Then he stopped. There was way too much anger coursing through him at the moment. He didn’t want to risk taking it out on Donna when he was talking to her. Walking over to the bare wall by his door, he leaned up against it. He took a couple of deep breaths and felt the anger retreat. Looking down at the phone still gripped in his hand, he let out a long breath and pressed the speed dial button. The call went through and began to ring. He frowned as it went unanswered and eventually the answering machine picked up. Rather than leaving a message, he disconnected and dialed her cell phone. Maybe she’d gone out to run an errand. It too went unanswered and rolled over into her voicemail.

Now the hairs on the back of his neck began to stand up. Something was definitely wrong. It didn’t take any thought. None at all. Sliding the phone back into his pocket, Josh walked quickly over to his desk and snatched up his backpack. Stuffing his laptop and a couple of files into it, he strode out, leaving the other files right on the floor where they’d fallen when he’d shoved them off the desk.

On his way out of the bullpen, he paused. “Mrs. Willis, I need you to cancel all my appointments for the rest of the day.”

Mrs. Willis looked up from her desk, ready to give him a sharp retort about shirking his duties. One look at his face told her he was deadly serious. “Is everything all right, Mr. Lyman?” she said quietly.

“I have a situation at home I need to take care of,” he told her simply. 

“I’ll take care of your appointments,” she answered, mentally running down the meetings he still had left and how she could reshuffle them.

With a nod, Josh turned and left the bullpen. Since Donna and Sam had planned to be in court, Josh had taken Harley with him and dropped him off at the Secret Service kennel. After making a quick stop to pick him up, the two of them headed for home. With Josh’s mind building progressively worsening scenarios of why Donna wasn’t answering his calls as they drove home, it was amazing that they got back to the apartment both in one piece and without getting a ticket for some kind of moving violation.

“DONNA?!” Josh called as he and Harley entered the apartment. He got no response. But he saw something that made him frown. Her purse, briefcase and keys were dropped in a haphazard pile near the couch. Being the organized person she was, Donna made it a point to hang her bags on the hooks by the door. She always said that would leave the floor for Josh’s backpack, since she knew she’d never get him to hang it up. Just then, he heard a noise coming from the bedroom and he realized it was the sound of her crying. He moved quickly to the bedroom and paused for a moment in the doorway. What he saw ripped at his heart. She was lying face down in the middle of the bed. Her entire body shaking with the force of her quiet sobs.

Crossing the room, he sat down gently on the bed next to her. Trying not to startle her, he laid his hand gently on her shoulder. “Donna?” 

At his touch, her head snapped up and he saw that her eyes and nose were red and puffy from crying. The look of surprise that crossed her face at having him there, melted away as her face crumpled and she reached for him. Wrapping her arms around him, her body curled into his and she began to cry again. 

Josh tightened his arms around her. “It’s okay, Donna. Let it out. I’m here. Just hang on to me,” he told her gently.

She covered her face with one of her hands. “I...can’t sttttop cryyyinggg.”

“I know, honey,” he said, trying to soothe her. “It’s okay. Take as long as you need.” Settling himself against the head board he stroked her back and let her cry it out. 

Great waves of nebulous pain continued to well up in Donna as she cried in his arms. Then, it slowly began to ebb and burn itself out. It occurred to her then that where once she would have been alone to cry like this, now she had Josh to be there with her in these dark moments. Even if he hadn’t come home early, he still would have been there in her heart.

Josh felt the tension begin to ease in her body and her sobs slowly subsided until she was lying quiet and still in his arms. His arms loosened around her slightly as she shifted to look up at him. Pulling a tissue from a box on the nightstand, he gently dabbed away the tears and then handed it to her. “Wanna talk about it?” he asked.

Donna blew her nose and let out a breath. “I don’t know where that came from,” she said, settling herself against him. “Sam and I were in court and after the lunch break and Penfield started bringing out photos,” she began.

“Yeah, Sam called and told me. I’m about ready to rip Penfield’s arms off. He told me he wasn’t going to do that until Monday,” Josh ran his hand over her cheek. “I wanted to be there with you for that.”

Laying her hand over his on her cheek, she watched him for a moment. “You’re here now, that’s what’s important.” She sniffed. “Actually I was fine in court, which I’m sure Sam also told you. I was a little surprised that they were going to start showing the pictures so soon. But it didn’t upset me to see the ones they’d taken of me in the hospital. In fact, I didn’t feel anything.” She smiled up at him and took his hand in hers. “I guess that should have been my first clue.”

He ran his free hand over her hair. “Yeah, when Sam told me you didn’t seem to have much of a response about them I got a little worried.”

“Is that why you came home early?”

He nodded and ran his thumb over the engagement ring gleaming on her slender finger. “I know you’re strong and you’ve come incredibly far since the attack, but I still worry about you.”

She smile and squeezed his hand. “I like that you worry about me.” She let out a breath and laid her head on his shoulder. “For the most part, I was just trying to listen to what Penfield was saying. It was almost like I was seeing some kind of true crime drama or something. I guess I just wasn’t processing it.” She ran her free hand over his chest. Even hidden under the suit and tie he was still wearing, the solid feel of it under her hand was immensely comforting. “Then on the way home, Sam was kind of upset about the pictures, so I was trying to make sure he was okay.” She paused and looked up at him. “He IS okay, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, he’s fine. It just threw him. I think he called me ‘cause he thought I would understand.”

Donna watched him for a moment. She knew that seeing the pictures would have been hard on Josh, too, if he’d been there instead of Sam. “And what did you say?” she asked softly.

He considered giving a pat or flippant answer but they’d both gotten past the days of misdirection, so he went with the truth. “I reminded him that I was there that day and saw things firsthand, so I knew exactly how he felt.” He let out a breath. “I told him it was a dark day.”

Donna slid her arm around him and pulled him close. “I know it was hard for you to be there that day, but I’m glad you were,” she whispered

He ran his hand over her hair again. “Not as glad as I was when they told me you were going to be okay.” They sat there for a moment just holding onto each other. “So what happened after Sam dropped you off?” Josh asked her gently.

“I’m not quite sure,” she said, not releasing her tight hold on him. “I came inside and was going to hang up my purse and my briefcase, but I was suddenly so tired I felt like I couldn’t lift my arms. So I dropped my things on the floor by the couch and came into the bedroom to change clothes.” She took a breath. “And then it just seemed to hit me all at once. The pictures started to come back to me until they were all I could see. And it was like I was right back there, back to that day in the hospital. It wasn’t so much that I remembered individual events from that day but I FELT everything all over again. The pain and the fear and the confusion. I don’t even remember lying down on the bed. I just remember crying and not being able to stop.” Now she looked up at him. “The next thing I knew, you were there.” She laughed a little. “I’m sorry if I got you a little soggy.”

He looked down at her. “Don’t ever be sorry for crying or feeling what you feel, Donna,” he told her. “I think you’ll agree when you stop being able to cry, is when we have to worry.”

“I guess you have a point there,” she replied.

“Donna, don’t get mad, but...did you cut yourself?” That was something he worried about. Although he knew that her ability to open up and talk things out, to cry, and her sessions with Barbara made it unlikely, there was always a chance she could relapse. Especially when it was something linked to her assault or what happened in her childhood. 

She squeezed his hand. “No, I didn’t. To be honest, I didn’t even think about it. I guess that’s a step in the right direction, isn’t it?” she said, giving him a hug. “And I’m not mad. There’s a time when I would have been. But I know you’re asking because you care and even if I had, I know we’d face it together.”

“You got that right. ‘Cause, you know, you’re stuck with me for the duration,” he told her.

“Ditto,” she said with a smile.

They sat there quietly for a moment. “How do you feel about going back to court?” he asked her. “No one would think less of you if you didn’t want to.”

“No,” she said with gentle firmness. “I can do it. I NEED to do it. For me and for all the sisters. Besides, there’s no court tomorrow. The judge called a recess until Monday so I’ll have a couple of days to get it together. I think that was part of the problem today, I wasn’t ready to see those pictures. When I go to court on Monday, I’ll be ready.”

He wanted to argue with her. Wanted to lock her up and keep her safe from every painful thing she was going to have to face during the trial. But he knew that she had to face this to put it to rest once and for all. “I think if the sisters were here they’d tell you how proud they are of you,” he told her. He knew she thought of Weaver’s other victims as her unofficial ‘sisters.’ “Of course, they couldn’t be more proud of you than I am.”

Tears filled her eyes, but this time they were the good kind. “Oh, Josh,” she said swallowing the lump in her throat. “Thank you for being so great through all this.”

He hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head. “Okay, here’s what we’re going to do. I’m going to make us something for dinner and you’re going to call Barbara and see if she can see you tomorrow. Then I want you to get into your pajamas and I’ll bring you dinner in bed.”

“Oh, Josh. You don’t have to do that.”

“Now, no arguments,” he insisted. “I want to do it. While we’re eating we can watch a movie or something. I’ll even let you pick which one.”

Donna was quickly warming up to the idea of letting him pamper her a little. “Even if I pick something girly?” she said with a little grin.

Josh sighed and rolled his eyes long-sufferingly. “Well, I guess so, since I already promised.”

“Even if it’s the cautionary tale of ‘Thelma and Louise’?”

“God, Donna, have mercy on me, please,” he pleaded.

Somehow Donna managed to pout and smile at the same time. “Pleeeeease?”

He ran a hand through his hair, “If you do, can I pretend to watch or do I have to, you know, actually watch?”

She grinned. “You can pretend as long as you do it from right here next to me.”

His dimples jumped out as he grinned back at her, “Deal.”

**********

Josh rubbed his eyes tiredly. He was sitting at the small desk in the corner of the bedroom working on the files he’d brought home from the office. It was late and he was more than ready to turn in for the night. Glancing over at the bed, he saw that Donna seemed to be sleeping peacefully enough and had hardly moved at all since he’d slipped out of bed a couple of hours earlier.

Donna had talked to Barbara and they’d made an appointment to meet tomorrow afternoon, which eased Josh’s mind immensely. They’d enjoyed the dinner of grilled cheese and tomato soup he’d made for them and Donna, in a move of pure love for Josh, had not picked “Thelma and Louise” for them to watch, but had opted for “The Empire Strikes Back.” About the time that Princess Leia and Chewbacca were fighting their way out of Cloud City, Donna fell asleep. He finished watching the rest of the movie and as the credits began to roll, he carefully slipped out of bed so he didn’t wake her.

After turning the volume down on the TV, he’d switched it to CNN and changed out of his suit and into a pair of clean boxers and a t-shirt to wear to bed. Then he’d settled himself, his backpack and his laptop at the bedroom desk to do some work. He’d actually gotten quite a bit done but his energy was definitely running low and he was ready to pack it in. Gathering up his files, he began to put things away.

Even though Donna had vented out a great deal of her turmoil over seeing the pictures, pieces of it lingered deep in her mind. The problem with that was the fact that while she slept, those pieces sought out each other and slowly rose out of the abyss to make themselves known. 

The nightmare was like an oily, evil shadow that slithered into her mind. It was more sensation than form, more feeling than substance. The black swirled around her and at first she wasn’t so much scared as she was confused and disoriented. Where was she? What was going on? Although she could feel it was there, she couldn’t even see her own body. Fear began to sneak in when she felt the bitterly cold air move over her apparently bare skin and she realized that she was naked and strapped down to something and couldn’t move. The angry hum began then. Not unlike the sound of a swarm of angry hornets. And they were coming closer. She struggled against her invisible bonds. When that got her nowhere, she called out for help, but her cries were swallowed by the angry hum. The volume of the hum rose and it seemed to drill itself into her head, making it swim and pound painfully.

Then the oddest thing happened. Lights, small pinpricks of light, began to appear. They looked almost like the fireflies she remembered seeing during the summers in Wisconsin. They swirled above her and while they gave off light, they did nothing to illuminate her or her surroundings. At first the lights were one compact, uniform swarm, then slowly, smaller groups of them broke off and moved toward her.

Donna’s head was also immobile so she couldn’t see them once they dropped below her line of sight. Suddenly a painful, tearing sensation settled low in her abdomen and dimly she felt a stickiness between her legs and she smelled blood. Before she could even begin to process that, another small group of lights spiraled down over the area she suspected was near her right hip. A new layer of pain erupted in her body as her hip began to burn like nothing she’d ever felt before. This time she smelled burning flesh. Her eyes filled with tears at the pain coursing through her. But what she saw next, turned her fear to outright panic. A large group of the lights moved toward her face but at the last moment they shift slightly lower to her throat. They settled there like a steel choker and began to slowly tighten. The tighter they got, the more pain she felt. The more pain she felt, the harder it was to breathe. 

She tried to raise her hands to claw at her throat but they were still locked in place beside her. Then there was no breath. There were only tears of pain and fear and despair and she knew she was about to die. 

Josh closed the laptop and slid it into his bag. He walked out and set the bag by the front door. Making a final check of the apartment, he was satisfied that everything was locked and turned off and he returned to the bedroom. Walking to the desk he bent down to turn off the desk lamp. But he stopped cold when he heard Donna whimper and begin to shift restlessly. Coming around the desk, he moved quickly to her side. “Donna?” he said shaking her shoulder gently to try and wake her from the nightmare. 

Her whimpering got more insistent and she curled into a near fetal position. Her hands were clawing at her throat and her breath was coming in short, broken gasps almost as if something was choking her. Sitting down beside her on the bed, Josh gathered her rigidly clenched body against him. “Donna, wake up,” he said, trying to get through to her. “You’re having a nightmare. It’s safe. Come back now.”

Donna snapped awake on a choked scream. The dark slid away to reveal the low light from the still burning desk lamp. The pain in her body faded to a dull echo. The cold melted in the warmth of their bedroom and the feeling of Josh’s body surrounding her. The loneliness and despair disappeared under the strength of his touch and his soft, comforting words in her ear. 

She still felt a little disoriented. “Josh?” she said a bit breathlessly.

“I’m right here,” he told her as he rocked her gently.

“What happened?” she asked, clinging to him.

“You were having a nightmare. Was it like the others?”

Sliding her arms around him she thought for a moment. Everything was already beginning to fade. “No, it was different.”

“Do you remember what it was about?”

The harder she tried to remember it, the more ellusive it became. “It was cold and dark and something was hurting me. I couldn’t...I couldn’t breathe.”

“You feel okay? Are you feeling sick?” he asked, knowing that nightmares often left her nauseous.

“No, I feel a little queasy but nothing bad.”

“Can I get you anything?” he asked her.

The need for him flashed through her. So much had happened today. So much that was ugly and hard. She wanted it to go away, at least for a little while. “I need you.” she said quietly. “Make love to me, Josh.” He’d opened his mouth to say something but she cut him off. “I know that I’m asking because I want something to fill the dark places today has left behind and I know how you feel about sex for comfort,” she said referring to the time a few months earlier when she’d had a nightmare and had woken up and had tried to get him to have sex with her. “But I’ve never needed you to love me more than I need you right now.”

He looked down at her for a moment. “You never have to beg me to love you, Donna,” he said, his voice tender. “I love you in a thousand different ways and loving your body is an extension of that. And you’re wrong. The other time, after your nightmare, was totally different than this one. We had no foundation then, it would have just been sex and not even sex for comfort. You didn’t want me to love you, you just want me to fuck you so you could forget. And in the morning, in the cold light of day, nothing would have changed between us and you would have hated both of us for it. Don’t you see?” he asked, stroking her cheek. “As much as I wanted to give in, I had to say no. Even then, I loved you too much to let that happen.”

Donna leaned into him and hugged him close. “I know. You were right to say no. At the time I didn’t know it, but I know it now.”

“That’s because now things ARE different and I can love you the way I was meant to.” He said, slowly sliding his hands under the t-shirt she’d worn to bed to tease the sides of her breasts with this thumbs. “And that includes making love to you after a nightmare because in the morning the foundation we have now will still be there.” His hands shifted and he pulled the t-shirt over her head. Then he scooped her up and settled her in the center of the bed.

Then, with intimate knowledge and infinite care, he used his hands, his mouth, his body and his murmured words to chase away the ugliness of the day and show her how things should always be between them.

For Donna, everything faded as he touched her. He began at the top of her head, where she felt him inhale the scent of the vanilla shampoo she used and he ran his hands over her scalp and through the silky mane of her hair. Then as his hands moved to trace the delicate curve of her ears, his mouth covered her face in slow, lingering kisses. She felt her breath catch and her body tingle in response as he moved to her neck where his hands and mouth and tongue worked together to stroke and touch and ease the tension left there from the nightmare.

Working his way down, his hands caressed her shoulders and her arms rhythmically as his mouth teased and tasted her breasts. Donna’s body felt wonderfully alien, as if every touch he gave her was a new sensation. Next, his attention turned to her stomach which he covered in soft, wet kisses. Gently, his hands tugged off her pajama bottoms and her underwear until she bare to his heated gaze. Just like the first time they’d made love, as if to say, without words, how much he loved every part of her, he leaned in to nibble and lick at the scar on her hip. And he paid no less attention to the scars on her thighs. The scars she’d put there in pain and anger he was loving with tenderness and acceptance. As before, both touched such a deep cord in her, tears welled in her eyes as she watched him.

Running his hands over the scars he’d just laved with his tongue, he then slid them down between her legs to part them and tease the soft flesh of her inner thighs. He placed kisses down one thigh and then back up the other to her center. His eyes watched her as he slid one leg up and over his shoulder. Her breath quickened as she realized what he wanted to do. Part of her wanted to say he didn’t have to, but the other, overriding part, was begging to have him put his mouth on her and taste her. Her answer to him was a small, gentle smile.

He smiled back at her tenderly and continued with what he’d planned. She felt his fingers on her first, tracing her, teasing her, parting her. The blood pounded in her ears and jolts electric need spread through her as she swam in the haze of feeling he’d surrounded her in. Then she felt his breath on her as he blew a gentle stream of cooling air over her clit. Goosebumps jumped out on her skin as the sensation overwhelmed her. The heat of his tongue came next as it moved in to warm and taste her. She heard herself whimper then, but it had nothing to do with pain and everything to do with pleasure. His fingers slid inside her to stroke her slowly and her body writhed under his hands and mouth. The leg hanging over his shoulder, pressed against him, urging him on and holding him close to her. Her voice low and breathy, she chanted his name like a mantra and her hands grabbed fistfuls of the bedding as she felt her body respond and the orgasm take hold in her. It stole her breath and nearly her ability to remain conscious, leaving her gasping and powerless as the intensity of it rolled through her.

As she came down from it, she dimly felt him slowing his touch on her center and by the time she was able to see shapes and colors again, he’d resumed his path down her body. His hands and his mouth traced her legs and down to her feet which he massaged gently in his hands, until there wasn’t a reachable inch of skin on her body that he hadn’t touched. Hadn’t loved.

As much as she’d loved the way he was slowly and thoroughly touching her, the need for him was growing beyond her capacity to contain it. “Please, Josh,” she said, reaching her hand out to him. “I need to feel you inside me.”

Silently, he stripped off the t-shirt and boxers he’d still been wearing and she could see he was more than ready to be with her. He moved back to kneel beside her on the bed and leaning down, he kissed her. Nibbling lightly on her bottom lip her coaxed her mouth open. And when she allowed him access, his tongue slid in to taste and tangle with hers.

Wanting him closer, wanting to feel the weight of him pressing her into the mattress like she wanted her next breath, she put her arms around him and pulled him down on top of her. Silently telling him she was ready, her legs parted for him, sliding up around his waist until she could feel the hard length of him settle against her core. He watched her for a moment, the chocolate depths of his eyes radiating the love he felt for her. Then he shifted and slid slowly, deeply inside her. She sighed with the feeling of coming home, the feeling of everything right and good it brought to her.

The feeling of her surrounding him was always heady and overwhelming and Josh took a moment to settle himself. Then, thinking she might want to be on top, he moved to roll them over. But she stopped him. Her words made his heart stumble hard in his chest. “No,” she said softly. “Like this, just like this.” Her hands slid into his hair and she pulled his head down so their mouths could meet in a deep, lingering kiss.

When they broke apart a moment later, he framed her face in his hands, “I love you, Donnatella.”

It still took her breath away to hear him say it. She swallowed around the lump in her throat and laid her hands over his arms. “I love you, too, Joshua.”

As if their words had been a signal, he began to move then, thrusting slowly and deeply inside her. Her eyes never left his as she met him stroke for stroke and heartbeat for heartbeat.

“So beautiful,” he murmured as his eyes bore into hers.

Her hands slid along his chest and around to his back to enjoy the light sheen of sweat that had begun to dampen his body, while Josh leaned in to run his tongue along her neck and shoulders and taste the salty flavor of her own sweat dampen skin. 

“Oh, Josh,” Donna breathed as she felt the orgasm building in her. One heated, slick sensation building on top of another until the only things in her universe were Josh and the burning need to mate with him.

“Let go. Let me watch you come,” he said softly.

Keeping her eyes opened and locked with his, she gripped the skin of his back with her nails and tightened her legs around him as everything came apart inside her and she clenched around him. It was pure glory, joy and love that crossed her face as she did. It took her a moment to get the breath back in her lungs. But when she did, she moved her hands to his strong shoulders. “Come for me, Josh. Let ME watch you,” she whispered.

Watching her come and feeling her clench hard around him would have been enough to send him over the edge with her, but her words added another layer to what he was feeling and it made his body gather to come that much harder. Gripping her hips he thrust deeply into her one last time and exploded inside her with a shout of her name on his lips. Collapsing against her, he took a moment to recover the ability to breathe normally. As he did, he enjoyed the feeling of her hands tracing lazy patterns on the back of his head, down his neck and shoulders and over his back, which he was sure was now covered with scratch marks from her nails. Not that he minded having her nail marks down his back. On the contrary, he took them as badges of honor and pride. 

Donna’s mouth moved to press a kiss against his temple and he felt her smile against his skin. “Have I mentioned lately how good you are when you make love me?” she asked.

Sliding out of her, he shifted part of his weight off her. Then he raised his head and propped it up on his hand so he could look at her. “Well, I could make use of the extra testosterone running through my system at the moment and say things like ‘thank you’ and ‘I know’ but...” He gathered her against him and he rolled them so she was sprawled half on top of him. “The truth is,” he said, brushing some stray hair out of her face. “I’m only good because I’m with you.”

“Ohhhh, good answer,” she said with smile. The smile slowly faded and her expression turned earnest. “Seriously, Josh, it’s never been like this with anyone else. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted. Everything I’ll ever need.”

His throat closed up for a moment. “I know, I feel the same way.” She tried to suppress a yawn, but Josh saw it. “It’s getting pretty late, I think it’s time for both of us to try and get some sleep. You’re seeing Barbara tomorrow and I’ve got a day full of meetings with people I really don’t want to talk to.”

“Namely Republicans,” Donna put in with a sleepy smile. 

“Gee, how did you know? he grinned back at her then his expression softened. “Do you think you can sleep now?”

She looked at him for a moment and ran her hand over his cheek. “With you here, I can do anything.”

TBC

**********  
Chapter 47 - ADULT

“How are you doing, Josh?” Donna asked him as she, Josh and Sam sat and waited for court to start again after the Monday lunch break. Josh’s testimony was first on the schedule and would probably last the rest of the afternoon. There was also a very real possibility it could stretch into tomorrow. Originally, he’d been scheduled to testify last Thursday, but other testimony had taken longer than expected so it had been moved back a couple of days.

“The same as I was when you asked me five minutes ago,” he told her a little more sharply than he intended. He let out a breath and squeezed her hand. “Sorry. I guess I am a little nervous.”

She squeezed his hand back. “It’s okay,” she told him. “Look, don’t be nervous, you’re gonna do great.” She grinned then. “And if you screw up, I’ll love you anyway.”

“You’re heckling me NOW?” he said, but he was smiling. Her comment had lessened the knot in his stomach slightly.

“Seemed like as good a time as any,” she said, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. She straightened his tie. “In any case, you’ll be the best dressed witness in the entire trial.” He was wearing what she still teasingly referred to as his ‘Joey Lucas suit,’ but since she’d picked it out for him to wear that morning, she’d couldn’t really harass him too much about it.

The grin and the retort Josh had prepared both faded as Weaver, dressed in a variation of the grey suit he’d worn on the first day of court, came through the side door and walked towards the defense table. He tightened his grip slightly on Donna’s hand and his other hand balled into a fist at what he knew was coming. Because they had to sit assigned seats, Weaver didn’t have to scan the room anymore, he knew right where Donna would be sitting, and, just like every other time he entered the courtroom, he did that weird lazy glance and wink in her direction. Donna had told Josh she was actually getting used to it but every time it happened Josh wanted to bash Weaver’s brains in.

The bailiff came forward, “All rise for the Honorable Phillip J. Smith.”

Everyone stood as the judge entered the court room and took a seat. “Everyone be seated and the court will come to order,” he told them with a bang of the gavel. “Call your next witness, Counselor.”

“Your Honor, the Prosecution calls Joshua Lyman to the stand.”

Donna gave his hand a final squeeze before she let it slide from hers. She watched as he stood and walked to the witness box. He looked confident but he’d managed to keep the swagger out of his gait so he didn’t look arrogant. She sent up a silent prayer that he would do well. If he didn’t, she knew he’d spend the foreseeable future beating himself up himself for it.

Josh kept his steps controlled but loose as he made his way to the front of the courtroom. His heart was pounding and his stomach was churning, but he didn’t let it show. He knew he had to get this right. It was too important for him to let it turn into one of the Claypool/Freedom Watch deposition fiascos. So he’d left his smirkiness and annoyance behind and was aiming for earnestness and calm. He hoped the preparation he’d done with Penfield’s office was also going to help.

The bailiff swore him in and Penfield stepped forward. “Could you please state your name for the record?”

“Joshua Lyman.”

“Mr. Lyman, do you work at the White House?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And what is your position there?”

“I am the Deputy Chief of Staff for Strategic Planning.”

Penfield nodded. “Mr. Lyman, can you relate for the court the events of August 5th of last year?”

“While at White House on the morning of August 5th,” Josh began. “Press Secretary C.J. Cregg informed me of a phone call she received from George Washington University Hospital that my senior assistant at the time, Donnatella Moss, had been taken there for unspecified injuries. Miss Cregg and I immediately went to GW to check on her condition.”

“And who did you speak to when you arrived at GW?” Penfield asked.

“We spoke with the trauma doctor on duty that morning, Dr. Susan Holden.” Josh knew that Dr. Holden would also be testifying in the trial concerning Donna’s injuries.

“What did Dr. Holden tell you and Miss Cregg concerning Miss Moss’ condition?”

“She outlined the injuries that Miss Moss was being treated for and told us that Miss Moss had been beaten, sexually assaulted and strangled in her apartment sometime during the previous night,” he said, keeping his gaze focused on Penfield. 

”What happened after you met with Dr. Holden?”

“Miss Cregg and I waited while Miss Moss was treated for her injuries. Since she was being admitted to the hospital, it was apparent to Miss Cregg and I that Miss Moss would need some things while she was there. So I volunteered to go to Miss Moss’ apartment and pick up some things she while Miss Cregg waited at the hospital. After calling the D.C. police to make sure they had released the scene, I drove to Miss Moss’ apartment, packed a small bag for her and then went back out to my car with plans to return to the hospital.”

“And did something happen to make you change those plans?” Penfield queried.

“Yes.”

“Can you please tell the court what that was?”

“I received a cell phone call from what I believed, both then and now, was Miss Moss’ assailant.” Josh resisted the urge to look over at the defense table. 

“And why did you think that the caller was Miss Moss’ attacker?”

“Because he described details of her assault that no one else could have known,” Josh replied calmly.

“Could you please describe for us what transpired during that call?”

Donna sat and listened intently as Josh began to slowly and methodically outline the phone call between him and Weaver on the day of her attack. He was polished without sounding coached and calm but earnest. Even though he’d talked things through with Stanley and with her and he’d gone over his testimony with Penfield before the trial, she knew this was still hard for him. And she was so proud of him she felt like she would burst.

“The call ended when the caller figured out that there was someone other than me on the phone,” Josh explained.

“And who was that other person?”

“Special Agent Ron Butterfield of the U.S. Secret Service,” Josh replied. Ron would also be testifying at the trial on the procedures the White House and the Secret Service followed for recording and tracking phone calls.

“And how did Agent Butterfield get involved?”

“When I realized the caller was Miss Moss’ assailant, I went to the White House which is where I met with Agent Butterfield concerning the call.”

“Would you tell the court why you decided to go there and not, say, to the D.C. police?” Penfield asked.

“As I mentioned, the caller indicated that he was calling from Miss Moss’ cell phone. Both her phone and mine were issued to us by the White House and as such, they were secured lines and were installed with a GPS tracking chip. I was hopeful that the Secret Service could use my phone to track Miss Moss’ assailant and find the caller’s location,” Josh explained.

“And did they?”

“Yes. Once I got to the White House, the Secret Service hooked my phone to a device that allowed them to do just that. Working with the FBI, they were able to trace the phone to Alexandria, Virginia, where the caller had abandoned it.”

Penfield nodded. “Your Honor, I’d now like to play Exhibit 104 for the court. It is the recording made by the US Secret Service of the latter portion of the telephone call between Mr. Lyman and Miss Moss’ assailant.”

“Proceed,” the judge replied.

Penfield walked to what looked like a small stereo unit and pressed a button. The sound of Josh’s voice and presumably Weaver’s filled the room as their conversation unfolded. Although it wouldn’t have been obvious to anyone who didn’t know him very well, Donna and Sam both recognized the strain in Josh’s voice.

The recording finished and Penfield turned back to Josh. “Is it your opinion, Mr. Lyman, that the caller you spoke to that day is currently in this courtroom?” Penfield asked him.

“Yes.”

“And can you identify that person for the court?”

For the first time, Josh turned and pointed at Weaver. “Yes, it is the defendant currently seated at the defense table.”

“Thank you, Mr. Lyman. No further questions, your Honor,” Penfield said, sitting back down in his chair.

“Mr. Harris, your witness,” the judge told the defense.

Brice Harris rose from his chair, casually straightened his suit jacket and approached the witness box. “Mr. Lyman, we’ve established that you believe the caller you spoke to on that day in August was Miss Moss’ assailant. However, what is not clear is why you think that caller was also my client. How, exactly, did you come to that conclusion?”

Josh had disliked Harris from the moment he’d heard him begin his opening statement. While he was apparently a solid attorney, to Josh he also looked like he could be the poster boy of snake oil salesmen everywhere. It took a supreme effort on Josh’s part not to let evidence of his contempt seep into his voice when he answered. “The FBI put together a voice line-up of 6 people, and from those 6, I picked out the defendant’s voice as the one belonging to the caller I spoke to that day.”

Harris nodded thoughtfully. “Mr. Lyman, what was your relationship with Miss Moss at the time of her assault?”

Josh was a little taken aback by the question. He didn’t know where Harris could possibly be going with it. “She was my senior assistant at the White House.”

“And on a personal basis?” 

Now the hairs on the back of his neck began to prickle. Something was up. “We were friends.”

“Just friends?”

This was taking an ugly turn, he thought. He waited half a beat for Penfield to jump in and object but he remained silent, probably because he was waiting to see where Harris was going with the questions. Josh had to resist the urge to ball his hand into a fist. “We were best friends.”

“Mr. Lyman, what is your current relationship with Miss Moss?”

Penfield came to life then. “Objection! Relevance?”

Harris seemed more than ready for Penfield’s objection. “Speaks to motivation for his testimony, your Honor. I am simply trying to establish if his relationship with Miss Moss, both then and now, could have had any influence over his testimony.”

The judge looked at Harris for a long moment. “I’ll allow it, BUT you are treading on a very shaky ground, Counselor, so I would recommend that you proceed with caution.” He turned to Josh. “Please answer the question Mr. Lyman.”

Josh had to use every ounce of restraint to suppress the instinct to punch Harris for bringing his relationship with Donna into play. “Miss Moss and I are currently engaged to be married.”

“So it’s safe to say that you are in love with Miss Moss?”

“Yes,” Josh said in a clipped tone.

“Were you in love with her at the time of her assault?”

“Objection!” Penfield demanded. “Your Honor, what possible use could this line of testimony be?”

Judge Smith did not look happy. “Opposing counsels, please approach the bench.” Both men moved to stand close in front of him and they began speaking in tones too soft for anyone else in the courtroom to hear.

Donna leaned over to Sam. “Why would he bring up that line of questioning?” she whispered.

“With the mountain of physical evidence and Weaver’s guilty plea, Harris knows there’s no way he’d going to get an acquittal. The only way for him to save Weaver from the death penalty is to make sure that jury thinks that he was as crazy as a loon when he committed the attacks.” Sam explained in a whisper. “Josh’s testimony hammers at the insanity idea because it clearly indicates that Weaver was calm, lucid and even bragging about killing you well after the event. That means that Harris has to do everything he can to discredit or shake Josh’s testimony about the call. I think what he’s trying to do by bringing up your relationship is to not only make Josh mad so he might slip up or seem unreliable to the jury but he also wants to put the idea in the jury’s mind that Josh could be embellishing his testimony to ensure that your attacker is put to death rather than being sent to an institution.”

Donna was going to make a comment, but there was movement at the front of the court room as the judge and both men had apparently reached some kind of consensus and so she sat back. She caught Josh looking at her, his face still outwardly calm and confident but for just a moment she saw something in his eyes. It was almost an “I’m sorry” look. Donna nodded and then gave him a small smile to let him know it was all right. Both Harris and Penfield stepped back from the bench. Harris looked smug and Penfield looked pissed. Donna knew that did not bode well.

“Objection overruled....” he gave Harris a long, pointed look. “For now. Proceed.”

Penfield returned to his seat and Harris walked back over to Josh. “Now, Mr. Lyman, I ask you again, were you in love with Ms. Moss at the time of her assault?”

Again, somehow Josh managed to hang onto his temper and kept his tone and expression neutral. “Yes.”

Although she already knew that was the truth and the situation was anything but ideal, it made Donna deliriously happy to hear him say it. But she was also worried that if they continued this line of questioning for much longer, Josh would lose the carefully constructed calm he’d been holding on to so well. Then, God help Harris because Josh would most likely try to snap him in half.

Harris picked up a stack of papers from the defense table. “Now, since we already have copies of the transcript the Secret Service made of the latter portion of the cell phone call, I’d like to concentrate on the first part of the call.” He paused dramatically. “Mr. Lyman, at this time, is there any reason, any reason at all that you’d like to change your testimony about the first part of the call?”

“No, I feel my testimony is an accurate reflection of the events of that day,” Josh said easily.

“Remember, you’re under oath.”

“Objection!” Penfield interjected. “The witness has already clearly and definitively answered the question.”

“Sustained. Move on, Counselor,” the judge answered.

“Of course, your Honor,” Harris said, unruffled. “Mr. Lyman, why did you lie to the caller?”

Josh frowned. “I’m sorry. I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either, Mr. Lyman, and that’s why I’m asking the question. Why did you lie to the caller that day in August, on not one, but TWO occasions during the course of your call?” 

Josh’s frown deepened. “I still don’t understand.”

“First the first time was when the caller asked you if you were Miss Moss’ boyfriend and by your own admission you said...” he looked down at the transcript. “Something like that.”

Josh was speechless, which was good anyway since Harris was apparently on a roll and kept talking.

“And the second time, the caller asked you if you’d met Miss Moss at the White House and you told him you met her at a party.” Harris fixed his gaze on Josh. “So I ask you again, Mr. Lyman, why did you lie to the caller?”

Josh nearly lost his temper then and just missed blurting out something. Something like, ‘The man was a LUNATIC! That’s why I answered him that way!’ But he was beginning to see what Harris was up to and he wouldn’t give him, or Weaver, the satisfaction of seeing him lose it. His jaw clenched hard and then carefully answered. “My reason for my answers were quite simple. One of the first things we are told by the Secret Service when we begin work in the White House is to guard our personal information as carefully as possible. I was not about to share my personal information or Miss Moss’ with someone that I perceived as a threat. But I also couldn’t just hang up, because I wanted to keep him talking long enough to give the Secret Service the opportunity to trace the call.” 

Harris looked like that wasn’t quite the answer he was hoping for. “I see,” he said. Then something glittered in his eyes. “So what you’re saying is that you weren’t ‘lying’ during the call, you were just being ‘creative’ with your answers?”

Josh considered his response for a moment and he knew he’d be playing into Harris’ hands no matter what he said. “That’s one way to describe it,” he said simply.

“How would YOU describe it, Mr. Lyman?”

“The answers I gave were appropriate to the situation at the time,” Josh answered.

It looked like Harris was just managing to suppress a wicked grin. “And was that, Mr. Lyman, what you were doing during your earlier testimony here today? Giving us answers that were appropriate to the situation?”

Josh knew Harris was calling him a liar, without actually saying the word, and trying to get him to confirm it. Josh had no intension of doing so. “When I was giving my testimony earlier, I was telling the truth.”

“Oh, come now, Mr. Lyman, after admittedly being ‘creative’ during the call and then telling the court that you gave answers that were ‘appropriate to the situation,’ are you asking us to believe that you didn’t get ‘creative’ with your earlier testimony to protect the woman you love and see to it that her alleged attacker receives the harshest punishment the law will allow?”

Josh didn’t hesitate. “That’s exactly what I’m asking.” He casually brushed an invisible piece of lint off his pant leg and then focused his gaze firmly on Harris. “And I’m stating again, for you and the court, for what I believe is the third time, that my testimony concerning the cell phone call with Miss Moss’ assailant was truthful and I stand by every word of it without reservation.”

Josh had pretty effectively slammed the door on his argument. And apparently Harris knew it. “No further questions, your Honor,” he said, moving back to the defense table.

“Does the prosecution have any further questions for this witness?” 

Penfield stood, “No, your Honor.”

“You may step down, Mr. Lyman.”

Taking a breath, Josh stood and climbed down off the witness stand. His legs were a little weaker, both from anger and relief, than he would have liked, but he hid it well. Walking to the back of the courtroom, he sat down next to Donna. The first thing he did was to take her hand and squeeze it reassuringly. She smiled at him warmly and leaned in close to speak to him. 

“You were incredible, Josh,” she whispered, her breath tickling his ear gently. “I’m so proud of you. Oh...and by the way,” she said slowly. “You looked really hot when you were kicking Harris’ ass, just wait ‘til I get you home.” Her lips brushed over the area right behind his ear in the lightest of kisses. One only the two of them would know about. Anyone watching them would think she was just whispering something in his ear.

Josh felt some of the residual anger he’d been feeling, drain out of him. It was replaced by happiness, relief and outright desire for her. He smiled and squeezed her hand. Leaning in, he whispered back to her. “I’m going to hold you to that.” Then he gently kissed the same spot on her neck that she’d kissed on him.

The judge, who’d been making a few notes, glanced at his watch. “I see that it is now 4:00 pm. So I hold the court in recess until 9 am tomorrow morning.” With a bang of the gavel, the judge collected his things and exited the courtroom.

Josh, Donna and Sam left the courtroom and once again had to face the gauntlet of the press as they left the building. Sam and Josh each linked one of Donna’s arms in theirs as they assumed their usual flanking positions on both sides of her. The cameras flashed and the questions flew as they made their way through the mob. The three of them said nothing, not even to each other, until they were getting into the car. 

“So was it just me, or was Harris calling me a liar?” Josh said as they climbed into Sam’s car.

“No, he was definitely calling you a liar,” Sam agreed as he buckled his seatbelt. “It was the only thing the slime bag could do to try and shake your testimony. But don’t worry, you handled yourself great. You came across as confident and honest. There’s no way the jury didn’t believe you. They’ll know Harris was spitting on their shoes and calling it rain.”

“Interesting image, Sam,” Donna commented with a grin from her place next to Josh in the backseat.

“Well, I am a speech writer.”

“And yet you hide it so well sometimes,” she replied. Josh snorted at that.

“You’re just lucky that you’re my friend and not my employee right now,” Sam teased her as he started the engine.

“Well, that goes without saying,” she replied. “After all I would never snark my employer like that.”

“HEY! You used to snark me like that all the time!” Josh commented.

“Yes, but that was different,” she explained as they drove out of the parking lot.

Josh frowned at her. “Oh, really? And just HOW was it different?”

Leaning over, she put her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a long, hot, open mouthed kiss. He responded immediately and she felt his arms go around her. After a moment, she pulled back. “The difference is.....I’m not in love with Sam.”

Josh grinned like a maniac. God, she made him happy. “Ah-kay.”

Donna looked up and caught Sam’s eyes in the mirror. “No offense, Sam. I love you like a brother.”

Sam smiled genuinely. “No need to explain.” He wanted to be jealous of how happy they were, but the truth was he was so thrilled for them it didn’t leave much room for jealousy. Besides, now that he and Ainsley were seeing each other, he finally had some happiness of his own. 

**********

“Where are we going?” Josh asked as they drove past the driveway to their apartment. Sam had taken them back to his office so they could pick up Donna’s car. She’d told Josh that they’d pick up Harley at the White House later. Josh had assumed they were going home for some dinner and so Donna could show him what she’d meant when she said she couldn’t ‘wait until I get you home’.” 

“We’re going to the gym,” Donna said, turning the corner and pulling into the parking lot of the large gym she and Josh belonged to.

Josh frowned. “Why are we going to the gym? I thought you were going to take me home and show me how hot I was when I was kicking Harris’ ass in court today,” he finished with a playful leer.

Donna grinned as she parked the car and took the key out of the ignition. “Oh, have no fear, Joshua, we will definitely get to that this evening. But right now we’re going to get a little sweaty.” 

“We get sweaty the other way, too,” he pointed out with a smirk. “And it’s a lot more fun than working out at the gym.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” she replied with a smirk of her own. “But we’re doing this right now and the other thing later.” She got out of the car and headed for the trunk.

Josh got out and followed her around to the trunk as his brain searched for a way to change her mind about going to the gym. “But I can’t, Donna, I don’t have any workout clothes.”

Donna turned the key, opened the trunk and she reached inside. “Yes, you do,” she said pulling out two small gym bags. “I packed your workout things,” she said, handing him one of the bags.

He gave her a suspicious look, “So you’ve been plotting against me?”

“Of course not, Joshua,” she said, closing the trunk. “I’ve been plotting FOR you, not against you.”

“But...” he began to whine.

Donna reached out and took his empty hand in hers. “Josh,” she said softly. She saw that it had the effect of getting his attention. “I packed your workout stuff because I thought that the trial today might be hard,” she told him, keeping her voice low. “And I was right.”

“But...” he started again but then trailed off. There was no whine in his voice this time. Now it was just a note of almost...discouragement.

“I’m glad that you’re not going to try and deny it. I was there, remember? Just testifying in the first place was hard but I saw how tough Harris’ questions were on you. Although you hid it like a pro, I saw it in the way you clenched your jaw and the too calm look in your eyes. At one point you were ready to come over the railing and punch his lights out.” She paused and when he was silent she knew she was right. “And even though you’re Mr. Calm now, I know because you didn’t get to pummel Harris, all that anger is still simmering somewhere. And you need to get it out of your system.” 

Keeping hold of his hand, she turned and started for the gym. “So here we are at the gym. I’m going to go to my kickboxing class and I want you to spend some quality time beating the hell out one of the heavy bags.” She grinned back at him. “Then we’ll go home and....explore the more entertaining ways to get sweaty.”

He couldn’t help but grin at her. She was right, he did need to blow off some steam. “Ahhh-kay. But when I get done with my quality heavy bag time, can I spend some quality time watching you work out?”

She grinned at him. “I think that can be arranged.”

**********

Alternately imagining that it was Harris or Weaver’s face, Josh drilled his gloved fists into the heavy bag. He’d originally tried hitting the bag with his bare fists, and while it was definitely more satisfying to hit it with bare skin, his knuckles had gotten sore VERY quickly and he’d switched to using a pair of the gym’s boxing gloves. He was now dripping with sweat, his arms and hands aching from the repeated impact, and nearing exhaustion, but he felt cleansed. Again, he acknowledged that Donna had been right and he’d needed to vent some things. 

Letting out a long breath, he took a step back and began to remove the gloves. ‘Speaking of Donna...’ he thought as he pulled them off. ‘I wonder if she’s done with her class yet?’ 

Returning the gloves to the attendant, he asked him where the kickboxing class was being held, and headed off in that direction. The classroom was surrounded on three sides by glass walls so he could see that the class was still going on. There was a hardwood floor and three rows of heavy bags, similar to the one he’d just beat up, that were attached at the bottom so they didn’t go flying when they were hit. The students, a mixture of men and women, were moving in a rhythmic pattern, that was a mixture of swift upward kicks and solid punches, as the instructor led them through various routines accompanied by blaring, energetic music. 

He saw located Donna in the back, second from the end. Wiping his forehead on a towel, he leaned against a pillar to watch her go through the routine. God, she looked amazing. Just as he had been earlier, the intensity of her workout had left her dripping in sweat. She was wearing a sleeveless, black spandex body suit with a yellow leotard pulled on over it, black high-top sneakers and bright red boxing gloves. Her kicks were smooth and quick, striking out at the bag with an almost snakelike grace. And her punches, especially her right hook, were fast and hard. Where many of the other students were hesitant or tentative, her follow through was powerful. If the heavy bag she was currently wailing on had been alive it would be begging for mercy. It occurred to him then that he might not have been the only one that had some things to work out of his system. Donna looked like she was exorcising a few demons of her own. She’d been going to this class almost once a week since they’d gotten back from Manchester over three months ago and he imagined that attending this class had helped her burn off a lot of anger and frustration during her recovery.

Josh watched as the class wrapped up and the students began to file out of the room. He walked over to the door she was coming out of. When she saw him, she headed in his direction.

“Remind me never to piss you off enough to make you want to hit me,” he said, handing her a clean, dry towel. “You looked lethal in there.”

She grinned as she took the towel and tossed it across her shoulder. Pressing her palms together she bowed slightly to him and did her best to speak with a bad kung-fu movie accent. “Kickboxing for exercise and defense only, Josh-o-san. Never for pounding on aggravating boyfriend or husband.”

He grinned back at her, “Good to know.”

“You look like you had a hard workout,” Donna told him as she wiped the sweat off her face and arms.

“Yeah,” replied. “As usual, you were right and I needed to work off some stuff from this morning.”

She smiled. “I promise not to say, ‘I told you so.’”

“I appreciate that,” he replied. “Now what do you say to us picking up Harley, grabbing some Chinese for dinner and heading home to...how did you put it?” he said thinking for a minute. “Oh, yes....explore the more entertaining ways to get sweaty?”

Donna couldn’t help but smirk at him. “You’re on.”

**********

It was late, nearly 1 am, and the apartment was quiet as Josh, Donna and Harley slept soundly. Between the trial, the gym and their activities once they’d gotten back to the apartment Josh and Donna had been exhausted. They’d decided to shower at home, rather than the gym and the smell of good, healthy sweaty bodies had filled the car and sent their hormones into overdrive. They’d stumbled into the apartment hungrier for each other than the take-out they’d picked-up on the way home. The bags of Chinese food only got as far as being dropped on the dining room table before the two of them were all over each other. 

After a very fun, energetic and, yes, sweaty bout of sex on the living room floor, one that had left Donna with a case of rug burn on her butt, they’d decided they needed to get cleaned up before they ate dinner. 

This, of course, led to a fun, energetic, but squeaky clean, bout of sex in the shower. 

By the time they’d fed Harley and made it back to the Chinese food, it had to be reheated in the microwave, but they didn’t care one bit. Setting everything up on the living room coffee table, they’d eaten and caught up on the day they missed while they’d been trapped in court by flipping between the national news and CNN. After they’d cleaned up the remnants of dinner, the two of them had undressed and slipped into bed with the idea of making love again, only to find that neither of them had enough energy and so they snuggled together and had gone to sleep instead.

The only things to break the silence in the apartment were the hum of the refrigerator in the kitchen, Harley’s soft snoring, and the faint rush of air through the heating vents. But the nightmare that was slowly creeping over Josh was about to change that.

It started out innocently enough. He was walking through the bullpen thinking through the meeting he had scheduled with Haffley in an hour. Stopping by Donna’s desk to pick up the file he needed for the meeting, he only found her empty chair. Suppressing a flash of irritation that she wasn’t there with the information he needed, he yelled for her. “DONNA!”

“She’s not here,” Ryan said from behind him.

He turned, “Where the hell is she? I need the file for my meeting with Haffley.”

Ryan shrugged in his usual, non-committal and aggravating way. “Couldn’t tell you. All I know is she got a phone call and went tearing out of here.”

Josh frowned. “Who was the call from?”

“How should I know? I left my phone tapping equipment at home this morning,” Ryan replied. “But she just left. You might be able to catch her at the gate.” With that, Ryan started playing an air guitar version of “Satisfaction” by the Rolling Stones and danced off down the hall.

With a curse at the wonder that was Ryan, Josh took off a brisk jog for the front gate. Pushing through the metal gate, he caught a glimpse of Donna climbing into a cab but he wasn’t quick enough to get her attention before it drove off.

“Damn,” he muttered. He needed that file. Maybe he could get her on his cell phone. Pulling it out of his pocket, he looked down at the display. It was blank. Then he remembered. He’d forgotten to recharge it last night and the battery was dead. “The day just gets better and better,” he grumbled. Well, he’d just have to go after her. Problem with that was he didn’t know where she was going. Rather than going back to get his car, he hailed another cab and told the driver to go to the apartment. He figured it was as good a place as any to start looking for her.

The cab pulled up in front of the building and hopping out, Josh paid the fare. The cab drove away as Josh turned toward the building. 

This was all wrong. It was nighttime now....but when he’d gotten in the cab it had been morning. What kind of long ass way had the cab driver taken? ‘Wait,’ he thought, taking a really good look at his surroundings. Donna didn’t live here. This was her OLD building in Adams Morgan. She lived in Georgetown with him now. What the hell? Just then he heard a scream. A terrifyingly familiar sounding scream.

Looking up, Josh saw that all the windows in the building were dark. Except one on the third floor. Through it, he saw Donna backing away from something with a look of pure terror on her face. She screamed for help again and it didn’t even occur to Josh to think it was strange he could hear her screaming even though the windows to the apartment were closed. Then he saw a hand snake out and backhand her, hard, and she disappeared from his view. The arm and body attached to the hand moved in front of the window. As if sensing Josh on the sidewalk below, the figure looked down...and winked. ‘Oh, God,’ Josh thought. ‘It’s Weaver. How could he be here? He’s locked up in a nice cold prison cell.’

Charging up the front steps of the building, he raced inside. Starting up the stairs, he heard Donna’s voice, again calling for help and he realized that she and Weaver were in the stairwell above him and moving higher up. 

He called out to her, but either she hadn’t heard him or couldn’t answer because he didn’t receive a reply. With her cries for help still echoing in the stairwell, Josh redoubled his speed, but when he got to the top of the stairs he found nothing there. Then he heard her again, still crying for help, but this time, her voice sounded much farther away. Then he noticed rungs mounted in the wall on his left. Looking up, he saw they led to an open hatch that he assumed accessed the roof. The sky he saw through the opening was starless and pitch black.

Without another thought, he started climbing up the rungs toward the opening. Slowly raising his head out of the open hatch he scanned the darkened rooftop. When he heard Donna scream from the far side of the roof, he clamored up through the opening and took off toward the sound. Darting around a large air conditioning unit, Josh saw them. For some reason, here there was a bit more light and he was able to make them out clearly. Donna, the look of terror still coating her features, was backing slowly away from Weaver. Each step took her closer to the edge of the building. Her face was alive with the bruises Weaver had given her and she was crying out in pain and fear for someone to help her.

Josh screamed that he was there to save her and for her to watch out for the edge but his voice seemed to dissipate into the air uselessly. He had to get Weaver before Weaver got to Donna. Taking off at a dead run, Josh closed half the distance he needed to tackle Weaver. Josh was so close, he could almost touch Weavers shoulder. Then, suddenly, his feet stopped dead. He looked down to see that he was now coated up to his knees in roofing tar. Almost like he’d stepped in a large sink hole of the stuff. Like a bug on fly paper, he couldn’t take a step. But his eyes worked fine.

He yelled for Donna and watched in horror as she realized that she’d reached the edge of the roof and Weaver was still advancing. She had no where else to go. Weaver was on her then, with his hands wrapping tightly around her throat. She kicked at him and clawed at the hands clasped around her throat but Weaver was like a machine and her efforts had no more effect on him than a fly buzzing around his head. As his fingers gripped her neck tightly, he still continued forward so that Donna was now not only being choked by him but he’d leaned her over the edge so she was all but hanging out over nothing.

Josh, tears of helplessness running down his face, screamed and cursed at Weaver and at that point would have been happy to saw his own legs off if it meant he could get to Weaver and save her. His heart plummeted when he saw her body go limp in Weavers hands. Then with no more care than you would give an empty aluminum can when you threw it in a dumpster, Weaver tossed Donna over the side. Then he turned to Josh. “I guess I made sure she’s dead this time,” he said with a laugh. With that he disappeared into the night.

Josh’s feet were suddenly free and he rushed to the edge of the roof. Maybe she wasn’t really dead. Maybe she was just faking it and had caught some part of the building on the way down and would need him to help pull her up. It was the only possibility his mind would entertain. Peering over the edge he saw her, still falling, face up, as if in slow motion, to the sidewalk below. Strangely, she was completely illuminated as if a spotlight was shining down on her. Her eyes were closed, her body still as it fell, her expression oddly peaceful, and the bruises Weaver had given her standing out vividly on her face and neck. The only sound he heard was the soft flutter of her clothes as she fell through the air and then the sickening thud of her body as it impacted with the pavement.

Josh snapped awake suddenly, his heart beating like a stampede of horses and his breathing out of control. Moonlight flooded the room and it was then that he realized Donna was sitting beside him with one hand on his back and one holding his hand. 

Concern was etched into her features. Josh had a flashback to the three-month period after Rosslyn when he was recovering and Donna was staying with him. Long about month two he’d started having nightmares and she’d been there, waking him from the dark and making sure he was okay. The poignancy of the moment with her now, after all that had happened to them, flashed through him.

“Donna?”

“Yeah. You okay?” she asked. “You were having a nightmare.”

He couldn’t answer, couldn’t find the words or the ability to speak. Instead he just pulled her into his arms and buried his face in her hair, letting the familial scent of it and her center and settle him. She was here...she was okay...it had just been a nightmare....he had to keep telling himself over and over again. It had never happened and she was safe in his arms.

Donna, knowing the dream had been about her from the way he’d been calling her name, tightened her arms around him and rocked him gently. “It’s all right,” she told him after a moment. “You want to tell me about it?”

Part of him didn’t want to tell her, didn’t want to share the ugliness with her, but he knew he owed her an explanation. When she had nightmare, he made her tell him what they were about. Although he’d never elaborated on the nightmares after Rosslyn, he now owed her no less. “Weaver was after you, chasing you and...and...” his voice trailed off. It took him a minute to make his mouth form the words. “I couldn’t get to you in time.” He paused. “He killed you and I...I couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t save you.” His voice broke a little at the end. 

“I’m sorry, Josh,” she whispered, still holding him close and running her hand over the back of his head.

Pulling her with him, he laid back on the bed and ran his hand through his hair. “It was so real.”

Propping herself up on one elbow, she ran her hand gently through his hair, smoothing down the hair he’d just ruffled. “Josh, it was just a nightmare,” she said gently. Taking his hand, she pressed his palm to her cheek. “See? This is what’s real.” Then she slid it down and held it over her heart so he could feel it beating. “I’m fine, I’m right here with you, and I’m not going anywhere.” She paused. “And you’re wrong. You did stop him. Your testimony is going to help see to it that he never hurts anyone again.” She smiled down at him. “And you did save me. In every way you can name. I couldn’t have faced the last seven months and the truth about my past without you.”

His throat was tight with emotion and it took him a moment to speak. He slid his free hand over her cheek. “There are no words to describe how much I love you.” He paused, the fading images from the nightmare still lingering in his mind. “I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you.” 

She smiled gently. “Lucky for you, you’re never going to have to find out.” Leaning in, she kissed him slowly. As she did, her mind went back to how he’d made love to her after her nightmare the week before. She remembered how it had chased away the shadows and the fear. As if she needed a reason to make love with him for the third time in twelve hours, she wanted to bring that to him. 

Josh felt her body melt against his. The need for her, to feel her alive and well in his arms, overwhelmed him. As if in silent acknowledgement of that need, he felt her deepen the kiss as her hands began to slowly roamed over his body. She was there, filling the dark with the heat that only they could bring to each other. Her body was warm and fluid from the night as she moved over him like a sensual dream, pulling him away from the dark shadows the nightmare had left behind. 

Starting with the kiss, she moved her way down his body, kissing and licking and nipping at him. She paid special attention to the scars on his chest as if to acknowledge the fact that the cause of them had almost taken him from her, but now they were the badges of life and survival.

Her hands slid lower, her fingertips tracing the flat planes of his hips and abdomen. In the moonlit room, he felt, rather than saw her hands as they teased the length of his erection. He’d been hard and ready for her almost from the moment he’d felt her deepen the kiss that had started it all and now her touch was driving him insane. But that was nothing compared to the feeling of her taking him in her warm, wet mouth.

Gasping her name, he rode the wave of feeling she drew out of him as she stroked and licked and sucked and kissed the hard length of him. As he felt the wave beginning to crest he stopped her and gently pulled her back up to him. He needed to bury himself inside her, needed to feel that physical connection with her. Knowing what he wanted, she didn’t hesitate. With a smile she straddled him and guided him inside her. It was like trading a torch for an inferno. 

Leaning forward she threaded her hands in his hair and brought her face close to his, “You fill me with life,” she whispered. Kissing him tenderly, she began to slowly rock her hips.

He watched her move over him like a moonlit shadow. The wave of heat and feeling began to exponentially grow in him again. “Faster, Donna. Please, God. More,” he begged as he thrust up into her and his hands moved to her waist to urge her on.

With a brilliant smile, she leaned forward slightly and changed her angle and leverage. The new angle made them both gasp with renewed feeling and new leverage helped her pick up the pace. 

Josh was hanging on by his literal fingernails which were currently digging into Donna’s hips in his own unconscious version of the nail marks that she often left on his back. “You feel so good,” he groaned. He was trying to hold on long enough for her to come before him but his body seemed to be conspiring against him.

“Don’t fight it, Josh. Let it happen,” Donna told him as she changed the motion of her hips from rocking to quick, hard circles.

“God, Donna,” he moaned. The gleam in her eye and the feeling of her swirling over him broke down the last of his resistance. Gripping her hips, he held her still as he thrust up into her and came hard and deep inside her.

Smiling, Donna leaned forward and kissed him gently as he came down.

Feeling cleansed of the nightmare, he smiled back at her, but now the gleam was in his eye. As she leaned in to kiss him again, he slid his hand between them and began to tease and stroke her clit in rhythmic circles. 

Donna moaned against his mouth. “God, Josh, you have the most talented fingers,” she managed. She’d already been close and now his touch and the feeling of him still inside her were sending her right through the roof. “Oh, Josh, Right there. Just like that,” she begged as she ground herself harder against his hand. “Don’t stop! Yes, Josh! OH!” The orgasm tore through her, leaving her breathless. Gripping his shoulders, she rode the crest of it as Josh continued to touch her with just enough pressure and motion to draw out the feeling as long as possible. Even as it began to ebb, his touch gentled, allowing to her to still feel without being overwhelmed.

Like a puppet with it’s strings cut, she collapsed against him and felt his arms go around her. “You know, that was three times in 12 hours. If we keep this up, we’re going to kill each other,” she said with a grin.

Josh chuckled. “But what a way to go.”

“You got that right,” she giggled. 

He stroked a hand over her hair and when he spoke his voice was soft and full of emotion. “Thank you. I really needed that. Needed you. Needed us.” He paused and buried his face in her hair to breathe in the scent of her again. “I remember when I had nightmares after Rosslyn. Even after the three months were up and you went home, you were always there in the dark with me.” He smiled. “Although not quite in the same way.”

Caressing his shoulders, she turned her head and brushed her lips over his slightly stubbly cheek. “Well, then I guess that makes us even, because you’ve always been in the dark with me, too.” 

He tightened his arms around her as his voice failed him.

Raising up, she looked at him and laid her hand on his cheek. “We’re gonna get through this trial together, Josh. And when we do, we’re going to be okay.”

He swallowed around the lump in his throat. “You bet your ass we are.”

**********

“Josh, would you please just sit down and eat your lunch.” Donna told him as she sat in one of the visitor’s chair in his office and watched him pace. “We may not even hear anything today. If you’re this wound up all ready, you’re going to have a stroke by the time the whole thing gets done.”

“Not hear anything today?!” Josh exclaimed, running his hand through his hair as he continued to pace. “God Donna, please don’t say that. It can’t take them that long. They can’t be that stupid.”

She took a bite of her salad. “Somehow Josh, I don’t think the jury would take too kindly to you calling them stupid. I’m sure they’re giving the evidence all due consideration.” She paused as she swallowed. “After which they will find his ass guilty on all counts.”

Josh stopped and looked at her for a moment, then he let out a laugh. “You had me worried there for a minute, Donnatella,” he said plopping down in his chair with a grin.

As with the beginning of the trial almost two months earlier, Josh, Donna, Sam and Ainsley had all been in court that morning as both sides had given their closing arguments and the judge had excused the jury so they could start their deliberations. Although Sam was sure they wouldn’t take long, there really was no way to know just how long it would take the jury to come to a decision. 

Penfield was going to call Josh when he received the word that the jury had reached a decision. So while Sam had walked Ainsley back to her office on the Hill for an appointment she had that afternoon, Josh and Donna had taken a long walk on the Mall. When no word came from Penfield, they’d picked up some lunch and headed back for the White House. So far the jury had been out for a little over five hours.

Josh flipped open the container and stared dejectedly at the contents. “I can’t believe you wouldn’t let me get a burger,” he grumbled.

“Oh, stop complaining,” she told him. “It’s not like I made you have a salad or anything. It’s a turkey sandwich. I even let you get swiss cheese on it..”

“Yeah, but it’s on wheat bread.”

“I let you have mayo, didn’t I?” she pointed out.

“But I was all ready to sink my teeth into a burger.”

“With as done as you like your burgers, BREAKING your teeth is probably more like it,” she teased him. She knew he was grumbling more because of his anxiety over the trial than what he was eating for lunch. She took a drink of her water and softened her tone a bit. “Besides you should watch how much red meat you eat. I want you to be around to watch your kids grow up.”

“You’re not trying to tell me anything are you?” he only half joked. They’d discussed having kids when Donna had taken her four pregnancy tests in what felt like 300 years ago. If she was pregnant it would be fine, great even, in his mind.

She looked at him for a moment. “Yes, I’m trying to tell you I want you to be around to watch your kids grow up.” She continued to hold his gaze. “But, no, to answer your real question, to my knowledge, I’m not pregnant.” In a way she wished she was because it would give her something besides the trial to focus on, but she knew the time wasn’t right. They needed to clear the trial and Weaver out of their lives and then they could get married and start on the good things she knew that waited for them. “Believe me when I say that when I am, you won’t have to wonder if I’m trying to tell you something.”

He looked at her and grinned. “Ah-kay.” He couldn’t wait to have kids with her. There were a bunch of things he couldn’t wait to do with her. Once it would have surprised him, and probably freaked him out, to even consider settling down and having a family. But with Donna involved in the equation, it didn’t surprise him, or freak him out, at all. He looked down at his sandwich again, maybe it didn’t look so bad after all. “I want to be around to see them grow up, too,” he took a large bite of his sandwich. Actually it was pretty good.

Warmed by his comment, Donna smiled back at him, “So are you going to eat your pickle or what?”

“Yes, I am, so don’t even think about it,” he warned her.

“Jooosh,” she whined, putting on her best pout.

He held up his fingers to form a cross. “No! Back you devil woman with the pout I can’t resist.” He dropped his fingers and sighed. “Donnnna,” he said, doing a little whining of his own when she continued to pout. “I caved on the sandwich, please don’t deprive me of the joy of my pickle.”

Donna grinned a little wickedly and popped a tomato in her mouth. “Okay.”

He stared at her for a minute. That had been way too easy. “Okay?”

She shrugged casually. “Okay.”

“Just like that? You’re not even going to beg and pout and then outrightly pilfer my pickle when I say no like you always do?” 

“Nope,” she replied, finishing the last of her salad.

“All right,” he said with a frown. “What just happened?”

“Nothing. It’s just my way of saying ‘thank you.’”

He frowned harder. “And what exactly are you thanking me for?”

“For not depriving me of the joy of your pickle twice last night,” she said, unable to keep herself from smirking widely. 

Josh leaned back in his chair, his face going from frowning to surprised to a smirk that practically screamed ‘I am so da man.’ “Do you enjoy tormenting me?”

She opened up the container of yogurt she had for dessert and stirred it lazily. “Not at all. Why would you say that?” She was glad to see that their conversation was distracting him from his restlessness and anxiety over waiting for the verdict.

“Because you make comments like that in my office and you know that as much as I’d like to sweep everything off my desk and spread you out and have YOU for lunch, I can’t because with my luck Leo or the President would choose that moment to walk in.”

“Ooooh...that’s what you meant by ‘tormenting.’ Well, then, in that case, yes, I do enjoy it,” she said with a grin as she slid a spoonful of yogurt into her mouth. “Did I also mention that you’re not the only one who’d like you to sweep everything off your desk and have me for lunch?”

Josh felt the spit dry up in his mouth. “Well...um...,” he was finding it a little hard, no pun intended, to get his mouth to work properly. The image of her spread out on his desk kept playing in his mind. “I think that we’re going to have to explore that idea further at some point.”

She took a drink of water, “I was planning for sometime during the last week of the term or maybe even the last day. It could be like a farewell party,” Donna said casually, as if they were talking about taking down the pictures on his wall.

“So you’ve given this some thought?” he asked.

“Yes, quite a bit.” She grinned. “Ever since we got into the White House as a matter of fact.”

“And here I thought it was just me,” he grinned now.

“Nope.”

Before he could muster a reply, his cell phone rang. They’d both been so wrapped up in their banter, for a moment they’d both forgotten about what they were waiting for. Staring at the phone as if it were a snake waiting to strike, they both sat there for a moment before Josh snatched it up and answered it. 

“Yeah?” He listened for a moment. “Okay, we’ll be right there.” He snapped the phone closed and his eyes met Donna’s. “The jury’s coming back. They’ve got a verdict.” Silently pulling on their coats, Josh grabbed her hand, pulled out his phone to call Sam, and they headed for the courthouse.

**********

Seated in their usual places, Josh, Donna, Sam and Ainsley watched the jury file in. The main group of twelve jurors was fairly diverse. Five were men and seven were women. Of the men, three were caucasian, one was asian and one was black. Of the women six were caucasian and one was black. The two alternates were both women and both caucasian. The jury foreman was one of the caucasian men.

“They’re not looking at Weaver,” Josh whispered to her. “When they don’t look at the defendant that can indicate a possible guilty verdict.”

When the jurors were all seated, the bailiff stepped forward. “All rise for the Honorable Phillip J. Smith.”

Everyone stood as the judge entered the court room and took his seat. “Everyone be seated and the court will come to order,” he told them with a bang of the gavel. He took a moment to arrange his papers and notes. “Has the jury reached a verdict?”

The foreman stood. “Yes, we have your Honor.” He handed a folded piece of paper containing their verdict to the bailiff, who handed it to the judge. He looked at it, but nothing in his expression gave away its contents. “Please read the verdict, Mr. Foreman.”

“Yes, your Honor,” he took a breath and, reading from another paper in his hand, the jury foreman began to speak. “We, the jury, in the above entitled action, on the 9 counts of aggravated rape and torture, find the defendant...guilty. On the 8 counts of murder with special circumstances, we, the jury, find the defendant....guilty. On the 1 count of attempted murder, we the jury, find the defendant....guilty. We, the jury, further find that that the defendant’s claim that he was insane at the time of these acts to be unfounded and we recommend a sentence of death.”

Thrilled at the news, Josh and Donna hugged each other tightly while Sam hugged Ainsley. Then Sam hugged Donna and shook Josh’s hand.

The judge nodded, “Thank you, Mr. Foreman. Now as I call your number, each juror will indicate that the verdict is correct as the foreman has read it by saying ‘Yes, your Honor.’” Judge Smith began going through each of the jurors. Each of them, in turn, gave their agreement.

“Very well, with all jurors indicating agreement the verdict is hereby officially entered into record. The penalty and sentencing phase of this trial will begin in two weeks, on Monday, May 12th at 9 am. Members of the jury I thank you for your service and you are excused. The defendant will be remanded until sentencing.” He banged his gavel on the bench. “This court is adjourned.” Collecting his things, he left the bench.

“Congratulations,” Sam told them with a grin as he patted them both on the back. 

Josh and Donna were hugging again as if their lives depended on it. “You did it,” Donna whispered with tears in her voice. Having the jury find Weaver guilty and not believing his insanity defense had left her surprisingly emotional.

“WE did it,” Josh whispered back. Releasing her, he laid his hand on her cheek. There were tears swimming in her eyes, but they didn’t fall and she smiled as she looked up at him. “We both did it,” he said before leaning in to captured her lips in a tender kiss.

“I think this calls for a celebration,” Sam told them. “How about dinner? Somewhere nice. I’m buying. How about 1789?”

Josh looked at Donna, “Sounds good to me. I’m hungry. I never did get to finish my sandwich. What do you say, Donna?”

She grinned at him and then turned to Sam. “Do I get to have dessert?”

Sam grinned back at her. “Absolutely.”

“Then what are we waiting for?” The four of the stood up, gathered their things and left the courtroom.

None of them noticed the long look that Weaver gave Donna before he was led from the courtroom. Or the creepy little smile that tugged at the corner of his mouth.

**********

Two weeks seemed to pass in a flash and the penalty phase of the trial began. As with the criminal phase, Donna had been there every day. Heard every word. And again, Josh and/or Sam were by her side. In the weeks that followed, the defense and the prosecution had pulled out all the stops to press their agendas.

The defense, trying a last ditch effort to save Weaver from the death penalty, trotted out many of the same people that had testified earlier in the trial, like the experts that said given Weaver’s background and abusive home life, he wasn’t responsible for his actions. Then there were the few and far between character witnesses, like co-workers who said he was responsible and reliable and had never made any trouble. 

The prosecution also trotted out a lot of the experts that had testified earlier. Ones that spoke to how much Weaver’s victims had suffered during his attacks. Then he had anyone and everyone who’d been affected by a loss of one of his victims to give a victims impact statement. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, best friends, boyfriends. Their testimony had been wrenching, reducing many, including Donna, in the courtroom to quiet tears. Penfield had decided that Donna would be the jewel in his penalty phase crown and she would be the last to testify.

And that time was finally at hand.

“Your Honor, the Prosecution calls Donnatella Moss,” Penfield told the court.

“Go get him, Tiger,” Josh told her as he gave her hand a squeeze. “You can do it.”

Donna nodded and squeezed his hand back. She’d been a little nervous when they’d come to court that morning, but now she was oddly calm. She knew what she had to do and she was ready. Although she’d considered having Sam help her compose her statement, she’d decided to do it herself. Then she’d practiced and memorized it so she didn’t have to read it off a piece of paper. But she had a printed copy of it in her pocket just in case her brain decided to take a vacation and she forgot it.

Standing up, Donna, squared her shoulders and walked to the front of the court. Taking her place behind the podium set up for that purpose, Donna began to speak.

“When I was asked to speak today, I wondered what I could possibly say that would be of value. After all, I was the lucky one, the one that lived, and because of the injuries I sustained, I have no memories of the attack that almost took my life. Only the evidence that was taken from my apartment and my body in the hospital could be used to prosecute my attacker. Then it occurred to me that I have a unique perspective.”

She scanned the courtroom. “You see, while I do not remember the attack, I do remember the aftermath.” She paused. “I remember waking up in the ambulance with a concussion and not knowing what was happening. I remember having difficulty swallowing and breathing and not being able to speak for a week because my vocal cords were swollen from being almost strangled to death. I remember the 12 stitches I needed internally from being raped by my assailant. I remember not being able to use my arm for almost 2 weeks because my elbow was dislocated. I remember the nightmares that the attack brought on. I remember being so afraid that the defendant would find me and finish what he started that I changed my identity and hid behind a disguise. I remember the bruises where I’d been beaten and most of all I remember the scars that I still carry on my hip where I’d been burned 7 times with a cigarette.”

She took a moment to pause so that could sink in and she could try and control her rapidly beating heart. “I also saw speaking here today as an opportunity. An opportunity to speak for the victims who weren’t as lucky as I was. You see, in the beginning and being the first victim, all I could think of was how the assault affected me. Then as other victims started to surface, I saw that I was not the only one touched by this evil. I began to see the others as my sisters after a fashion. Sisters, not by blood, but by circumstance and tragedy.”

Sam leaned over to Josh, “She’s incredible. We should have had her helping us with speech writing.”

Josh nodded but didn’t turn away from Donna. She was incredible and amazing and everything in between. This was the first time he’d heard the statement she’d prepared. Although he’d wanted to hear it, she’d asked him to wait until she’d read it in open court. 

Donna continued on. “Over the last seven months, I’ve collected clippings and information about each of them because I felt like it was my duty to see to it that they weren’t forgotten. What I found was that while they had died untimely deaths at the hands of a monster, they were not victims. They were women of courage, intelligence, character, and dignity. Women that left the world a little better than they’d found it.” She let out a gentle breath as she began to list the women Weaver had killed.

“Women like 23 year-old Kelly Gibbs. She was a preschool teacher. Since her death, her students and their parents honored the contribution she made to their lives by planting a tree in the yard where the children play every day.

Women like 28 year-old Amber Thompson. During my time in the White House, it was my privilege to know Amber. She was bright, articulate and funny. During her time as Senator Brock’s senior assistant, she helped the Senator champion any number of bills and laws protecting the rights of the average working American. In her spare time, she volunteered to teach literacy skills to adults and teens who couldn’t read.

Women like Tanya Clark. At 22 years-old, she was the youngest. She worked in her family’s small deli in Adams Morgan, the only girl in a family of five brothers. Every customer that knew her from the deli said she always had a smile and a kind word for anyone she met. She’d been attending night school to study business administration so she could help her parents run their business more efficiently.

Women like Sarah James. At 27 years-old, she was one of the youngest curators to ever work at the Smithsonian. Well-liked by everyone she knew, she had a passion for art and graduated with honors from the University of Maryland with a degree in Art History. Her boyfriend of 3 years had planned to surprise her by asking her to marry him on Valentine’s Day of this year.

Women like Angela Harrison. She was a 29-year-old waitress who was putting herself through law school at Georgetown. Loved by her friends and family, she spent what little free time she had volunteering at the Danbury Hospice Care Center. An accomplished musician and dancer, Angela was the only daughter of William and Grace Harrison.

Women like Brenda Cunningham. She was a 25-year-old clerk at the Library of Congress. The youngest of 4 siblings, she delighted in spending time with her 4 nieces and 3 nephews. In her own local library, she volunteered her time to read to children. She’d been saving to open her own bookstore. 

Women like 24-year-old Robin Marcus. Robin came to D.C. right after receiving her degree in American History from the University of Arizona. Within days of her arrival she got a job at the Washington Monument as a tour guide. Articulate and bright with a sunny disposition, she was perfect for the job. According to those who knew her, she loved nothing better than to walk the Mall and soak up the atmosphere of the city. Her love of animals led her to volunteer her spare time at a local animal shelter.

Women like Kate Morrison. At 29-years-old, Kate was a study in how to pull yourself up by your boot straps. Married at 22, she pressed charges against her abusive husband at 25 and after divorcing him, moved from Colorado to D.C. to start a new life. Working as a bank teller, she volunteered her time at a battered women’s shelter, manning a hotline for abused women and using her personal experience to counsel them to escape their abusive relationships.”

Donna took a breath. “And someone we haven’t heard much about during this trial. Women like Patricia Weaver. Patricia came to D.C. from Philadelphia when she was just 14. She brought her brother here to D.C. to find a better life for them than the abusive home they’d grown up in. Living by her wits and using her ability to look much older than her 14 years and her talent for forging the necessary documents, she worked not one but two jobs. While her brother went to school during the day, she worked one job as a waitress and another one as a clerk in a gas station. Always naturally intelligent, Patricia studied on her own and eventually received her GED. While still working her two jobs she went to night school and got her nursing degree. Continuing to act as a surrogate mother and protector to her troubled brother, Patricia came into her own as a nurse and was, by all accounts, well-liked and respected by her peers. She even found the love that she’d craved her whole life when she met and eventually became engaged to a paramedic she’d met at the hospital. Unfortunately for Patricia, there would be no happy ending. She was murdered before she could marry her Prince Charming.”

Donna scanned the courtroom again. “To me, these women are not merely a list of names. They are me. They are every woman. They are our mothers and our sisters and our daughters and our friends. They are flesh and blood and bone. They are women whose lives were cut short by the defendant and the world has a little less joy, a little less color, and a little less humanity because of it. And most of all, they are women who deserve justice for what happened to them. Thank you.” With that, Donna let out a long breath and stepped down from the podium and walked toward her seat.

What happened next took everyone by surprise. During the trial, Weaver had said next to nothing. He’d sat passively during all the testimony and during the verdict. He had no shackles on because he’d given no indication that was going to be anything other than cooperative. The only remotely questionable thing he’d done during the whole trial was the winking at Donna. Plus, he did have two armed guards and the four bailiffs who were stationed at each exit if he should try to escape. The problem with the guards was that were told to stand off to the side and stay out of the way. That was compounded by the fact that Weaver’s good behavior had lulled them into a false sense of security. The bailiffs were not really an issue, since they were basically spread throughout the courtroom and were far enough away that it would take them a moment to get across the room. 

As Donna walked toward the railing that divided the front of the courtroom from the gallery and started to pass between the defense and the prosecution tables, Weaver decided that now was the best chance he was going to get to finish what he started. What he’d been planning ever since he’d found out that the whore was alive. With only the defense attorney separating him from his goal, he made his move.

Donna had been looking at Josh, who was grinning at her, obviously pleased at her testimony. She sensed, rather than saw the movement off to her right. Something told her to turn and when she did she saw Weaver practically climbing over Harris in his haste to get to her. She would always remember the look in his eyes. She knew without a doubt that he planned on killing her if he could. 

Everyone, even Josh, Sam and the guards, were so surprised it took them a second to react. That second would be all that Weaver would need to snap her neck.

But Donna had other ideas. There was no thought on her part, it was pure instinct borne of the fact that she had too much to lose now and she wasn’t going to let him take it away from her. Her body automatically fell back on her self-defense classes and her kickboxing. Rearing back, she hit him full in the face with her right cross. 

No one was more stunned than Weaver when her fist connected solidly with his nose and it erupted in a fountain of blood, making him stumble backward. Seeing his OWN blood for a change seemed to stun him. By that time everyone had started moving and his two guards and a bailiff tackled him to the floor. “She broke my nose!” he screamed in disbelief as they wrestled the handcuffs on him.

“ORDER! ORDER!,” the judge yelled as he banged his gavel loudly on the bench. “This courtroom will come to order! Bailiffs see that the defendant is removed from the courtroom!”

“The WHORE broke my nose!!!” He continued to scream that as the guards and two of the bailiffs led him away.

Josh seemed to appear at her side almost instantly. Sam and Ainsley were right on his heels. “Donna?” he said quietly, trying not to startle her.

Donna, who had been staring in disbelief at her still closed fist which was covered in a few drops of Weaver’s blood, looked up at him. “Yeah?”

“You okay?” 

Still a little dazed, she nodded. “Yeah.”

“ORDER! This courtroom will come to order!” the judge yelled again, trying to get the courtroom back under control.

Josh didn’t believe for a minute that she was okay, but with the judge telling everyone to settle down, he had to get her into a seat. Easing his arm around her waist he led her back to their seats. Without a word, he nudged her and got her down into the seat. He dropped into the seat next to her and put his arm around her shoulders. As he kept an eye on her, he dimly heard the judge read the sentence of death. At that point, he didn’t care what else was going on in the courtroom, he just cared what was going on with Donna. She was sitting way too quietly just staring at her still clenched fist. He tried not to notice the splotches of blood on it.

With a bang of his gavel the judge released the courtroom but Donna still didn’t react.

“Donna?” Josh tried.

Hearing his voice, Donna looked up at him. “I...I need to get some air,” she said suddenly.

“Sure, come on,” he told her. Slipping his arm around her waist and helped her up. He, Sam and Ainsley surrounded her and at a bailiff’s suggestion, hustled her through a side door, down a back hall and out a private exit used by the judges.

It was unexpectedly cold and rainy outside and since Sam had driven them all that day, he ran out into the rain to get the car while Donna, Ainsley and Josh waited under a small overhang at the edge of the parking lot. Using the private exit, they’d eluded the press so they had at least some peace and privacy while they waited for Sam to bring the car around.

Josh began to say something to Donna but stopped when she started forward and stepped out into the deluge. Josh followed her out while Ainsley stayed under the overhang. “Donna,” Josh called as he followed her. “Come back under the overhang where it’s dry.”

Donna stopped and watched as the rain slowly erased the blood from her hand. Closing her eyes, she turned her face up to the pounding water. It was cool and felt wonderfully cleansing.

Josh stopped in front of her. “Donna?” 

After a moment, she lowered her head and opened her eyes to look at him. “Hey.”

“Hey,” he said, trying to figure out if he should be concerned by her behavior. “When you said you needed to get some air I didn’t think you meant you wanted water with that, too,” he replied, trying to coax a smile, or something more than a one word answer, out of her.

She looked at him for a minute and saw the concern in his eyes. “I’m okay, Josh.” Then she did smiled. “Haven’t you ever needed to splash some water on your face?”

Her words made him relax considerably. Since the day had started out fairly warm and with no forecast of rain they hadn’t brought any coats with them. So Josh took off his suit jacket, slid it around her shoulders and wrapped his arms around her tightly. His heart had almost stopped when he’d seen Weaver moving toward her in the courtroom. “You, Donnatella, are more than okay...you are magnificent,” he said against her wet hair. ”You’ve got some kind of right hook.”

She laughed then. A clean, light sound that seemed to lift a weight off her heart and her shoulders. “Just call me Donnatella Ali.”

Warmed by her laughing, he laughed with her. “Hey, you know what?” he said, as he released her but kept her hands on her shoulders.

“What?”

“You did it,” he grinned, his dimples blossoming in all their glory. “Not only did you deliver a knock out punch with your statement, which by the way, blew the doors off the place, but you put the bastard in his place with one punch!”

Donna looked at him for a moment. Rain was running down his face in thick rivulets and she grinned. She probably looked the same way. “I did, didn’t I?”

“You bet your ass you did.”

Now she giggled and threw her arms around him. His jacket fell to the ground in a soggy, wet heap and they were soaking wet. Neither of them cared. They just stood there in the rain, laughing and holding onto each other.

“HEY!!” Sam called from behind them. They only loosened their hold on each other enough to turn toward him. He’d pulled the car in between where they were standing and where Ainsley had been waiting and was talking to them from the window he’d rolled down. Ainsley had already scrambled into the front passenger seat. “Can we go somewhere warm and dry to celebrate or are you guys gonna stand out in the rain all day?!!!” he said with a grin.

Josh turned back to her. “Well? What do you say? You ready to go somewhere dry?”

She looked at the courthouse for a minute and then back at Josh. “Yeah. I’m done here.” She broke into a grin. “As long as the somewhere dry is home and we can get naked then I’m on board.”

He laughed. “You’re on.” Her helped her into the backseat of Sam’s car and after snatching his jacket up off the ground, he ran around and got into the other side. “Sam, Ainsley, we’d like to put off the celebrating thing till tomorrow night,” Josh said as he put his arm around Donna’s shoulders. “Right now we just want to go home.”

In the front seat, Sam glanced at Ainsley and they exchanged a smile. Knowing that Josh and Donna weren’t going to want any company at home, he took Ainsley’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Not a problem,” Sam said with a grin. “I’ll drop you guys at home and then I’ll take my lovely companion here out for a bite to eat.” 

“Josh?” she said as Sam put the car into gear and pulled away from the courthouse.

“Yeah?”

“On second thought, do you think you can have Sam stop by the hospital on the way home?” she said calmly.

“Why?” he asked in the tone he had that said he wasn't sure if he should be worried or not.

“I think I need an x-ray.”

“Why?” Now, he was worried.

“Because I think I broke every bone in my hand when I hit Weaver,” she grinned to try and lessen his worry. “I mean, it was worth it, but my hand is kind of starting to hurt.”

Gently picking up her right hand, he saw that the knuckles were indeed starting to swell a bit. He told Sam to drop them off at GW and, after assuring Sam and Ainsley that Donna was okay, he leaned in and kissed her knuckles tenderly. “That will have to hold you until we get someone to take a look at it.”

Donna smiled. She knew then that things were going to be okay. “You’re the best medicine I could ever ask for.”

Now they could get on with their lives the way they were always meant to. Together.

**********

Epilogues to follow


	11. Broken Glass: Epilogues

Epilogue: Snapshots of a Life (A)  
Rating: YTEEN

**********

Christmas Day - The First Day

Donna stretched lazily against Josh’s warm, naked body. To her, there was no better feeling to wake up to. From the razor thin shaft of soft light coming in between the curtains hanging in the hotel room window, she figured it was early yet. She looked down at her engagement ring and the new platinum wedding band that now rested snugly against it. It still didn’t seem quite real. She had to resist the urge to pinch herself.

The wedding had been beautiful and intimate, with only about 30 people in attendance. They’d been married by a Justice of the Peace in front of a huge roaring fire in the Bartlet’s spacious living room. Donna’s dress had been simple and elegant, and Josh’s eyes had never left her from the moment she entered the room on the President’s arm. After the ceremony, they’d had a wonderful reception that included a delicious sit-down dinner the stewards had prepared for all the guests and then dancing. Josh and Donna had left for the airport right after the reception. The Bartlets were holding onto all the wedding presents and would bring them back to DC when they returned.

Speaking of presents, she also looked at the charm bracelet on her other wrist and the new charm that dangled from it. The new charm, a little wedding cake, gleamed in the even in the low light. He’d given it to her on the plane last night as a slightly early Christmas present.

Since Josh was apparently still asleep, Donna took a moment to glance around the room. Neither of them had cared much about the room when they’d gotten in last night. Their luggage was still in a heap at the foot of the bed where they’d tossed it. They’d both been frantic to get each other’s clothes off and tumble into the king-sized bed. They hadn’t even thought to turn on the lights. That’s what two weeks of celibacy had done to them.

The room was actually a large, tastefully decorated suite. As she recalled, it was on the 15th floor. When she finally managed to get out of bed she’d have to check out the view. She smiled at the Christmas tree in the corner. She could see there were lights and decorations on it, but it wasn’t turned on. She wondered if the hotel had put the tree in the suite because it was Christmas Day or because Josh had requested it. They had one at home too, one that CJ had promised to water so it wouldn’t be complete kindling when they got back. 

“Good morning, Mrs. Lyman,” Josh said, his voice slightly sand paper rough from sleep. He ran his hand slowly over the bare expanse of her back.

“Good morning, Mr. Lyman,” she replied with a grin as she arched into his touch. “I still can’t believe you brought me here for our honeymoon.” Josh had asked her to let him take care of the honeymoon arrangements as his contribution to the wedding. But when she’d pressed him for details, he’d been uncooperative, even when she’d begged and whined. Even pouting had gotten her nowhere. All she’d known was they were going to be gone for 2 weeks. Since Donna had no way to know what to pack, CJ, who was in on the details, and had probably helped him make many of the arrangements, had packed her suitcase. 

While they were gone, Harley would be splitting his time between staying with the Bartlets while they were at the Manchester House for Christmas and when the Bartlets went back to D.C., he’d stay with Sam. When Sam had to be in court or couldn’t otherwise have Harley with him, he’d stay at the White House kennel. When he was at the kennel, Toby had promised to see that got his exercise by playing ball with him.

“Well, you said you’d never been here before. Plus, once upon a time, you threw down that rollercoaster challenge and there’s no way I could let that go unanswered,” he replied.

“But what are we going to do here for 2 weeks? I mean I know it’s Disneyland and I love staying in this suite at the Disneyland Hotel, but 2 weeks seems like a long time.”

“Ah, ah. You’re proceeding from a false assumption,” he told her. “You’re assuming that we’re staying here for the whole 2 weeks.”

She frowned at him. “We’re not?”

“Well, since we’re married and officially on our honeymoon, I guess it’s all right to fill you in on my nefarious plans now.” He grinned mischievously. “Tell you what, why don’t you go get my backpack and take a look in the front pocket.”

“Oh-kay,” Donna said as she gave him a curious little smile and got out of bed.

Enjoying the sight of her lithe and graceful, not to mention naked, body, Josh watched her cross the room to their pile of luggage. His mouth dropped open slightly and he felt his body start to harden again when she bent over to pick up his bag. “Did I mention how incredible you looked yesterday?” he finally said. ‘And this morning,’ he mentally added.

“Yes,” she replied, lifting some of the larger bags out of the way. “I think you did say something about that when you were trying to deflower me in the Bartlet’s hall closet after the ceremony.”

“A task at which I would have succeeded if your dress hadn’t been so damn complicated and, you know, Sam hadn’t opened the door. But can you blame me? It’s been two weeks. TWO WEEKS! I’m only a mere mortal, Donna. You know I go through withdrawal if I don’t get to see you naked at least once a day.”

As it turned out, the Bartlets did have one requirement to letting them get married at the Manchester house. No sex and no living together for them for 2 weeks before the ceremony. To ensure there was no cheating, Mrs. Bartlet had taken Donna to the farm under the guise of getting things ready for the wedding, while the President had kept Josh busy in the White House. Josh, Sam, Toby and the President had only arrived at the Manchester house on Christmas Eve morning, the day of the ceremony. Josh and Donna had left for the airport right after the ceremony and the reception to catch their flight to Los Angeles. When they’d arrived at the airport, a limo had picked them up and delivered them to the Disneyland Hotel. By the time they made it up to their room, they’d been beyond hungry for each other. They’d quickly made up for lost time. Three bouts of lovemaking later, they’d fallen into an exhausted sleep.

Standing up, she carried the bag back to the bed. “Aw, poor baby. I’d say from the way you ‘deflowered’ me three times last night, you recovered from the withdrawal pretty quickly,” she finished with a smirk.

Josh had a retort all prepared, but something caught his eye as she approached the bed and it died on his lips. “Donna?” he said with a frown.

“Yes?” she said as she sat down and began to unzip the pocket of his backpack.

“What’s the dark spot on your hip?” It looked to be right over the spot where her burn scar was.

Her hand froze on the zipper. “Oh, that...well...yes...I meant to tell you about that.”

The lack of an answer made him even more curious about it. Rolling over he reached up and flipped on the lamp. “Stand up and move over here by the lamp,” he asked her.

With a sigh, Donna set his bag on the bed and did as he asked. She wasn’t sure how he was going to take what she’d done. She probably should have asked him about it BEFORE she’d done it.

He laid his hand over the spot, tracing it with gently with his fingers. “Donna, you have a tattoo.”

She couldn’t really gauge his reaction from his words, so she tried for levity. “Oh, well, that’s a relief, seeing as how I paid someone to put it there. It’s always good to get what you pay for.” 

“Donna,” he said softly.

“I know, I know. I should have told you about it before,” she began as the story started to tumble out. “Barbara and I thought it would be a good way for me to sort of retake control of my body. Instead of having a scar I had no part in, I have a tattoo that I picked out. Plus, it covers the scar. Turning an ugly thing into, what I personally think is, a pretty thing.”

“Donna.”

“And, well, I wanted it to be a surprise and to be all healed when you saw it.”

“Donna,” he said again, with just the hint of a smirk on his face.

“What?” she said, running out of steam.

“I like it,” he said, his smirk getting wider.

She relaxed and smiled. “You do?” 

He ran his fingertips over the spot again. It was a butterfly. A beautiful multi-colored butterfly that was just large enough to cover the burn scar. The fine detail and vivid color of it hid each of the small round disks. Only when you looked at it up close and in direct light, could you see where the scars still marred her smooth skin. “I do,” he grinned. “It just surprised me, that’s all.”

“Really?” she said. “I wasn’t sure what you’d think.”

“I think it’s about the sexiest damn thing I’ve ever seen.” He tugged on her hip until she was standing right up against the bed, then he leaned forward and kissed the spot gently.

The feeling of his lips on her skin made her shiver slightly but she grinned. “I’m glad, because it’s not like I can exactly take it back and get a refund.”

He frowned softly as remembered her earlier comment. “It had to heal?”

“Yeah, there was a tiny bit of blood when I first got it and then it was kind of red and angry for about a week. Kind of like having a really deep scratch.”

He tried not to think about the blood part. “Did it hurt?”

She liked that he was so interested. “Not as much as I expected. It stung more than it hurt when they were putting it on. While it was healing it didn’t really hurt at all. Abbey helped me keep it clean while it healed and made sure it wasn’t getting infected or anything.”

“How did you know where to go? Did you go somewhere safe? I mean you didn’t just pick some random tattoo parlor out of the phone book, did you?”

“Have you suddenly forgotten who you’re married to? I’m the Queen of Research, remember?” She grinned. “Did you know that D.C. does not require tattoo parlors to be licensed or regulated?”

“Is this going to be a tattoo trivia lesson?” Josh asked with a smirk.

She shot him a dirty look, “Well, I hadn’t planned it that way, but I can easily change that if you don’t keep the snarky comments to yourself.”

He only smirked wider, “Sorry. Okay, no, I did not know that D.C. does not license or regulate its tattoo parlors.”

“Well, they don’t,” she said with a nod as she continued. “But Maryland and Virginia do, so I went to a place in Alexandria. Margaret originally recommended it and then I did some research on it and found that they had a good reputation. They autoclave all of their equipment, use sterile, disposable needles, and use only the finest dyes and pigments.”

“Wait...Margaret recommended...?” he scratched his head. “You know what, I don’t want to know. What was this place called?”

“The New Life Tattoo parlor. Kind of fitting don’t you think?”

“I guess it is as that,” he said with a smile. “So, when did you get it? I know you didn’t have it the last night we were together.”

“Yeah, you would have seen it.” Her body warmed to think of that night. “As I recall, the attention you gave my body that night was pretty...thorough.”

He smirked as he remembered that night, too. “Yes, yes it was.”

“I got it the morning Abbey and I left for Manchester,” she explained. “It took about an hour to get it done, and then I went back to the apartment to pick-up my things and Harley. Then the car Abbey sent picked me up and took me to Andrews where I met her for the flight to Manchester.”

“Well, you kept it a secret very well. I had no idea,” he told her. “Now speaking of secrets and surprises, why don’t you sit back down and take a look in the front pocket of my bag,” he said with a little tug on her hand to pull her down onto the bed.

With a smile, she sat down, picked up the bag and set it in her lap. “I have to say you were pretty good at keeping secrets yourself,” she said as she unzipped the pocket. “I’ve been trying to find out where we were going on our honeymoon for three months and even pouting didn’t get you to tell me.”

“The only way I could resist the pouting was the knowledge that you’d be pleased with the surprise,” he replied as he sat up halfway and watched her pull the thick envelope out of his bag.

Donna set his bag aside and opened up the packet. There were more plane tickets, an in-depth itinerary and a couple of brochures. As she read, Donna felt tears well in her eyes. “Oh, Josh.”

“What, don’t you like it?” he said in response to the tears he saw.

“Oh, Josh, of course I love it. I just can’t believe you did all this.”

“Well, to be honest, a travel agent helped me with the actual reservations, but the idea was all mine,” he told her. Sitting up behind her, he took the papers from her hand. “See, we stay here for two days. One day for Disneyland and one day for Disney’s California Adventure.....”

“But it’s Christmas Day,” she pointed out. “Are they even open today?”

He grinned. “Contrary to what you think, I am able to do a little bit of research on my own. Yes, both parks are open 365 days of the year.” 

She grinned like a kid...well, on Christmas. “Great! I can’t wait to see the parks.”

“Now, just a minute,” he said. “I didn’t get to finish the rest of my surprise.”

“Oh, sorry. I got a little carried away,” she told him. From reading the itinerary herself she knew most of what he was going to say, but she liked hearing him say it anyway. “Please go on.”

“Thank you, now as I was saying, we spend the next two days going through the parks. Then on the morning of the third day, we fly to Hawaii. We start in Maui where we stay for four days at the Westin Maui Resort and Spa in Lahaina. Then we move on to Kauai where we spend another four days at the Hyatt Regency Kauai Resort and Spa in Koloa. Then....”

“I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii,” she told him, her body all but bouncing with excitement.

He grinned, happy to see her so excited. “Yes, so you’ve said....a few hundred times.”

“I didn’t think you were listening.”

“Well, you were wrong,” he smirked and then continued. “Now, because I thought you might want to compare Disneyland and Walt Disney World, after Hawaii, we fly to Florida and stay at the Grand Floridian Resort and Spa at Walt Disney World for three days and see the parks. You get three days there because it’s bigger than Disneyland. Since she lives so close by, my Mom is going to come down and go to the park with us on the second day. Then we’re done and we fly back to D.C.” 

“You’re very pleased with yourself, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Why, yes. Yes, I am,” he smirked.

She grinned back at him, pulled the papers out of his hands, tossed them on the night stand and switched off the lamp. Then she set his backpack on the floor and slid back into bed and under the covers with him. Without the lamp, the room was bathed in a soft warm half-light from the sun coming in around the curtains.

“Whattcha doing?” he asked her with a widening smirk that said he knew exactly what she was doing.

“Climbing back into bed with my naked husband,” she replied.

“Not that I’m complaining, mind you, but I thought you were all excited to do the parks and stuff.”

“Well, the parks aren’t going anywhere, are they?”

“No,” he grinned. “They’re not.”

“Good, because right now I’m more excited about doing my husband and stuff.”

“Kay,” he said, his dimples jumping out to make an appearance as Donna leaned in and kissed him deeply. 

As they started their first full day as husband and wife, all Josh could think was that he was going to like this marriage thing just fine.

**********

Christmas Eve - 1st Anniversary

While Josh made the rounds to see that everything was locked up for the night, Donna sat on the couch, toying with her necklace and staring into the crackling fire. So much had happened in the year since she and Josh had gotten married. 

The Bartlet administration was winding down now that their time in office was on the downhill slide. The inauguration for the newly elected President, who was a Republican, much to Josh and Toby’s dismay, was next month. Josh had already taken steps to set up his own consulting firm to do campaign work, similar to what Bruno Gianelli did. Other than spending some time with Molly and Huck, Toby hadn’t decided what he was going to do. Josh talked to him about them doing the consulting firm together, but Toby wasn’t sure it was for him. As for CJ, she was going to see her Dad, who was in the late stages of Alzheimer’s and do some traveling. Beyond that, she hadn’t decided what she wanted to do either. At that point, what they, including Leo and the President, were looking forward to most was some down time after a long 8 years in office.

Sam’s law practice had continued to thrive and although Donna only had time to work part time for him now, in November he’d hired Mrs. Willis, with Josh’s blessing, to manage his office. Ainsley was still working on the Hill. The happiest news was that the two of them had gotten engaged in October and were planning to get married in the summer. Josh and Toby were going to stand up with Sam and Donna and Ainsley’s sister, Cameron, were going to stand up with Ainsley.

In August, Donna had gone back to college and was now thrilled to be studying at Georgetown for her degree in psychology, with a minor in art. She wanted to take what had happened to her in her childhood and with her assault and with the self-cutting and turn it into a way to help other people that were hurting. With the credits she got to transfer from the University of Wisconsin, it looked like she could get her degree in two years. She was already thinking about graduate school.

And then there was her and Josh. He was still the best part of her life and their love for each other seemed to grow deeper with each passing day.

They had celebrated their one year anniversary that evening by going out to dinner and exchanging gifts. In addition to the new charm, a little house, for her charm bracelet, he’d gotten her the beautiful diamond pendant she was currently toying with. She’d gotten him a new backpack, a black leather one, to replace his other one that had been showing distinct signs of wear. 

But unlike last year or years past, there had been no Hanukkah presents for Josh, outside of her cooking, and tomorrow there would be no Christmas presents, outside of the beautiful Christmas tree twinkling in the corner, for Donna. They’d both agreed that their newest purchase of two months ago would be their present to each other. 

She looked around the room. From the fireplace, to the huge Christmas tree, to the large front window that overlooked the quiet street, the living room was a reflection of the rest of the house. Amazing. So amazing that she kept waiting for someone to come and tell them that there’d been a mistake with the escrow paperwork or the financing and they had to move out.

The two-story house was actually right near the house that Toby had bought for Andi once upon a time. It had three spacious bedrooms, two and a half baths, a large modern kitchen, a den that she and Josh were sharing as an office, and a generous backyard. It had also come with a big, fat mortgage. Contrary to what most people thought, the idea of buying a house hadn’t been hers, it had been Josh’s. But once he’d brought it up and talked her through the mini nutty she’d had over the idea of having a thirty year mortgage, she’d gotten on board quickly and never looked back.

Harley looked up from his place by the fire as Josh walked in. When he saw who it was he thumped his tail twice

“Hi Harley,” he said, running his hand over the length of Harley’s body, then he moved to the couch. Happy and content, Harley stretched and went back to sleep.

“Hey,” Josh said. Sitting down on the couch next to Donna, he slid his arm around her shoulders. He’d stood there and watched her for a moment before he’d spoken. Deep in thought, she’d looked so beautiful with the firelight and the Christmas tree lights dancing over her, he hadn’t wanted to disturb the moment. Tomorrow they were going to have a fairly large crowd coming over for Christmas dinner, but tonight was just for the two of them. “Penny for your thoughts,” he said.

“They’re not worth nearly that much,” she said with a smile, as she laid her head on his shoulder and snuggled against his side. “I was just thinking about the house and everything that’s happened in the last year.”

“Sure has been a lot of changes,” Josh agreed. “And with the administration ending, they’ll be even more.”

Donna smiled to herself, there were more changes in store for them than he realized.

With her head on his shoulder, Josh hadn’t seen her smile and he continued speaking. “But all things considered,” he said looking down at her. “It’s been the best year of my life.”

Donna turned her face up to his. “Mine too. Here’s hoping the next year only gets better.”

Josh lowered his mouth to her and kissed her tenderly. “Happy Anniversary, Donnatella.”

“Happy Anniversary, Joshua.” She hoped what she had planned would make it even happier. Sliding out of his arms she rose from the couch. 

“Where are you going?” he asked with a frown.

“I’ll be right back. Stay right there,” she told him. Walking into the office she opened the bottom drawer of her desk and pulled out the package she’d hidden there.

Hoping he couldn’t hear how hard her heart was beating with anticipation, she walked back to the living room. ‘Hold it together, Donna,” she told herself. She’d been planning this surprise for two weeks and didn’t want to blow it now. Coming around the couch, she held the package behind her for a moment. “I have one more present to give you,” she said softly as she pulled out the shoe box sized, festively wrapped package and held it out to him.

Josh looked between her and the package. “But we already exchanged anniversary gifts,“ he said slowly taking the package from her.

“I know,” she said with a mischievous grin as she sat down next to him again. “This isn’t really an anniversary present. It’s more of a ‘for no special reason’ present.”

He looked at her for a moment and new that the little grin she was giving him meant that something was up. “A ‘for no special reason’ present?”

“That’s right.”

“Does that mean I have to get you a reciprocal ‘for no special reason’ present in return?” he asked, just in case this moment was some intricate secret of marriage that he’d failed to learn.

“Well, Josh, a woman always likes unexpected gifts, especially from her husband,” she grinned wider. “But no, this present isn’t the kind that needs to be answered with another present. Your undying gratitude will be enough.”

Smirking suspiciously, he looked at her for a moment. He knew she was talking in riddles, but as usual, he liked it. But he also couldn’t figure out what she was trying to say. “Ahh-kay,” he replied. Untying the bow, he pulled off the pink and blue striped wrapping paper. Tugging off the lid he peeled back the white tissue paper and looked inside. And blinked. Hard and a lot. He picked up one of the four similar items in the box and held it up closer to his face so he could make sure he wasn’t seeing things. He gripped the new, unuused pregnancy test kit in his hand and tried not to let his heart beat it’s way out of his chest. “Donna...?” he said, the breath catching in his throat.

“Remember how I’ve been sick on and off for the last month or so, but we just thought it was my ulcer acting up again?” She paused when he silently nodded. “It occurred to me that it mostly happens in the morning and my period is late. Really late. So I’m thinking it’s probably not my ulcer.” She paused again, now a tiny bit worried because he hadn’t said anything and just kept staring at her in disbelief. “So I...um...made an appointment later this week to be sure, but I thought.....oof” was all she got out before Josh threw his arms around her and hugged her tightly. Unnoticed, the pregnancy test in his hand and the other three still in the box slid to the floor. 

“You think you’re pregnant,” he said, in a tone that was more wonder than question.

She grinned and hugged him back. “I wondered when you were going to catch up with the rest of the class.”

“You think you’re pregnant!” he repeated excitedly

Now she laughed. “Yes, Josh, I think I’m pregnant.” They’d talked about starting a family, in fact it was a centerpiece of Josh’s argument why they needed a house. She’d stopped taking her birth control pills a few months before they bought the house. She figured she’d gotten pregnant about the time they’d moved in.

He loosened his hold on her slightly. “How long have you suspected?”

“About two weeks.”

“TWO WEEKS! Why didn’t you tell me?” he said. His voice wasn’t angry as much as it was disappointed. As if she’d told him two weeks ago, he could have had two more weeks to be excited at the prospect of being a father.

“Because I wanted to surprise you,” she replied with a smile. She knew he wasn’t mad.

“It worked. I am definitely surprised.” He pulled her back into his arms. “This is the best surprise I’ve ever had. Thank you for being pregnant.” 

“Well, you did help a little, you know.”

“Yes, I did,” he said, in his best ‘I am SO da man’ voice. “Wait...” he said pulling back to look at her again. “What did you say about an appointment? You should see a doctor right away to be sure that you...that you’re both okay.”

With a smile, she sighed and patted him on the cheek. By the time she actually HAD the baby, he was going to be a basket case. “Yes, Josh, I know. As I was saying I made an appointment to see my doctor later this week to be sure. But I thought you might want a little preview of what the doctor was going to say, hence the reason for your gift or should I say gifts.”

He knew the significance of the four new, unused pregnancy tests as he remembered the last time she’d bought so many of them and the two of them had waited for the results on a Sunday morning. He grinned. Then, things weren’t right, but now they were beyond right. “Tomorrow morning, then?” he said as if they were making a date.

“First urine of the morning,” she replied still grinning. “You gonna make me breakfast again?”

“Scrambled eggs and cinnamon toast?” he asked.

“Perfect.”

“So you know I’m going with you to the doctor’s appointment, right?” he told her.

“Well, okay, but they’re probably just going to give me an exam and a blood test to make sure that I am pregnant. And I think it takes a day or two to get the test results back so it the appointment probably won’t be all the exciting.”

“I don’t care,” he told her. “I want to be there from the beginning.”

“Oh-kay,” she replied, happy that he wanted to be so involved, even at such an early stage. Donna decided now was a good time to torment him just a little. “So if I am pregnant, how do you propose we pay for our new bundle of joy? There’s going to be doctor’s bills, braces, school field trips, shoes and clothes, dance lessons, baseball uniforms, and what about their college fund? I mean we’ve kind of maxed out our available cash with the mortgage on this house. And then with me going to school and you soon to be out of a job and then you want to start your own consulting firm....”

“Donna,” he said laying his hands on her shoulders and pressing his forehead against hers. “Don’t worry. Stress is the last thing you need right now. We’ll work it out. I’ll do what I have to make sure that our family is provided for. Plus, we do have a little bit of time to think about it.”

“Well, I guess you’re right. And if we get desperate, we can always talk to J&S Enterprises and see if they can kick in some funds for our children’s future.” 

Josh’s stomach took a dip. He hadn’t given J&S Enterprises any thought for quite a while. The company he’d formed with Sam still existed but after he and Donna had moved out of the apartment there’d been no more need to make use of it. He sat back and looked at her. “J&S Enterprises? You know about J&S Enterprises?” He swallowed wondering how long she’d known and how mad she was about it.

She looked at him, keeping her expression bland. “I know many things, Joshua.”

Maybe she really could read his mind. “You’ll get no argument from me on that.”

“I discovered your secret about J&S Enterprises when I was organizing the apartment last year.”

“You’ve known since last year? And you’re only telling me now?” That meant either it didn’t bother her or she’d been saving it until she could use it to extract the most punishment.

It was hard to maintain the bland mask when she wanted to smother him in kisses for being so good to her. “I was saving it up for a special occasion,” she told him. She finally decided to left him off the hook, after all she’d just told him he was going to be a father. “I mean it’s not every day that someone does such a nice thing for someone else,” she told him. “Even if it is her two best friends,” she smiled then.

He let out a long breath. “So you’re not mad?”

“Nope,” she grinned. 

“God, Donna, you scared the crap out of me.”

“I know. That was my intention. I figured it would give you some practice at keeping your cool. Kids can try your patience, you know.” She paused. “When I found the papers I didn’t know if I should kiss you and Sam or slap you. But it only took me a second to realize that if you had told me you and Sam were going to help me with the rent I wouldn’t have let you. But what I needed back then was a safe place where I could feel comfortable and the apartment gave me that. There’s no way I can thank you for that,” she told him, rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand. “Thank you for looking out for me...even then.”

He traced her cheek with the back of his hand. “I like looking after you and...” He laid his hand over her still flat abdomen. “I can’t wait to look after any little ones that come along.” He felt her hand move to rest on top of his on her abdomen. “And I plan to keep on doing it for a long, long time.”

**********

Christmas Day - 5th Anniversary

Okay, so I freely admit that I shamelessly stole part of this scene from a Cheerios commercial I saw once.

Donna wiped her hands on her apron and she and Harley walked to the living room to tell the guys that breakfast was ready. They were following their usual Christmas morning routine. Donna had made her homemade cinnamon rolls and put them in the oven to bake while she and Noah opened presents. Noah had made out like a bandit, of course. Josh and Noah had followed a similar routine for Hanukkah, although instead of cinnamon rolls they’d had latkes. They had decided to expose Noah to both traditions and let him decide what path or combination of the two he wanted to follow when he was older.

Stopping in the doorway, she surveyed the scene. The living room was still littered with the refuse from all the packages that she and Noah had unwrapped so she guessed that Josh and Noah hadn’t gotten very far with the clean-up detail. She considered telling them to get busy so the house would be cleaned up by the time everyone got there that afternoon for Christmas dinner, but the scene before her basically robbed her of speech.

Her men, she thought. 

Despite his best efforts, Josh’s hairline was ever so slowly on the retreat. But otherwise he was still the same man that could melt her heart and set her body on fire with one look, one word, one touch. A child and five years of marriage had done nothing to change that. His consulting business, one that he’d eventually talked Toby into joining, has been phenomenally successful and it had left his schedule flexible enough that he’d been able to help take care of Noah while she’d finished her bachelor’s degree and then started on her masters. She hoped to finish that in the next year or so.

And then there was Noah, her proudest achievement. Noah Samuel Lyman. He was like Josh’s ‘mini me,’ down to the brown curls, adorable dimples, and boundless energy. He was also as impatient as his father. A fact which had made itself known at an early age when he’d been born two weeks premature and within 4 hours of Donna going into labor. But as much as he was like his father, Donna’s genes had still managed to leave their own stamp on him. The most notable of which were his beautiful blue eyes. Well, that and her quick mind and quirky sense of humor. He had those in spades. And she just couldn’t believe how big he was getting. He was three and would be four by the end of summer but it seemed like just last week he was a baby that had fit in the crook of her arm. 

For a moment, she wondered a bit wistfully if Noah would be the only child she’d ever have. She and Josh had been trying to have more children ever since Noah was about a year old, but with no luck. The two of them had even gone though fertility testing and the doctors had found no reason why they couldn’t get pregnant. The doctors suspected that Donna’s age, she was 36 by then, might have something to do with it but they couldn’t be certain. They were going to give it another month or so and then Donna was going to try some fertility drugs their doctor had recommended. If nothing else, she and Josh had enjoyed trying. Not that they had ever needed an excuse to...practice.

But even if she never had other children, she’d still feel blessed beyond measure. Who wouldn’t feel that way with a son like Noah? He continued to amaze her and every time she looked at him, she saw Josh and the life they shared.

Still wearing the sweat pants and t-shirts they’d slept in, the two of them were lying on the couch talking. Josh was stretched out with Noah lying on his chest. Donna had to bite her lip to keep from laughing at Josh who had three brightly colored Christmas bows stuck to the remaining hair on the top of his head. She assumed she had Noah to thank for putting them there. She’d have to make sure they were removed carefully so Josh wouldn’t lose any more hair than necessary. 

“What’s that noise?” Noah asked as he pressed his ear to the center of Josh’s chest.

Josh looked down at him with simple adoration on his face. He’d been the antithesis of an absent, work-a-holic father. “I don’t know, what does it sound like?”

“Pa-thump, pa-thump, pa-thump, pa-thump,” Noah answered.

“That’s the sound of my heart beating.”

Donna pressed a hand to her mouth. The poignancy of the moment and the fact that Josh had almost lost that heartbeat one summer night in Rosslyn was a little overwhelming. As was the fact that she could have missed it, too. If Weaver had succeeded that night, or if she hadn’t let herself love again after what she’d discovered about her childhood, Josh might be sharing this scene with someone else or he’d be chained to his desk, trying to bury the fact that he had nothing else. Even the possibility that they could have missed their life together, missed meeting their son, missed this moment with him, made her heart ache. 

She’d be lying if she said that she hadn’t been relieved when Weaver had been executed earlier that year. A tiny part of her had still worried that he might find a way to slither out of his conviction or somehow manage to escape from prison and try to finish what he’d started. But now that was behind them and she and Josh had the rest of their lives ahead of them.

She looked down at her charm bracelet. It was such a snap shot of their life. Starting with their initials, then the puffy gold and diamond heart, the ballet shoes, the wedding cake, the little house, the baby booties with Noah’s birthstone, the graduation cap to celebrate her finishing her undergraduate degree, last year’s little dog he’d gotten her in Harley’s honor, and this years contribution, a gold star because she was excelling in her attempt to get her master’s degree in psychology.

“Your stomach sounded funnier,” Noah was saying to Josh.

“Oh, really?” Josh said with a grin. “And how did my stomach sound?”

“Glourp, glourp, glourp, glourp, glourp,” Noah grinned back, his miniature dimples jumping out.

“I think YOU sound funnier,” Josh said as he started tickling Noah, making him laugh and squeal.

Donna smiled and blinked back the tears that had gathered in her eyes. “Hey, guys, breakfast is ready,” she told them.

“Yea!!!” Noah said, squirming out of Josh’s grasp and jumping off the couch. Running over to her, he threw his arms around her leg and looked up at her. “I love your cinmin rolls, Mommy.” 

Smiling, she ran her hand over his silky curls, “What nice thing to say. Thank you, baby. Now go sit down and we’ll eat.” 

With a wide grin, he headed for the kitchen with Harley in tow. Harley always knew when Noah was eating there was a chance that something might find its way to the floor and therefore into his mouth.

Josh rolled off the couch and walked over to her. “Sorry we didn’t get things cleaned up. We kind of got distracted.”

She smiled at him. “Yeah, I noticed. It’s okay. You can take care of it after we eat.” She reached up and touched the bows stuck to his head. “Nice hair.”

“Yeah, Noah thought it would be fun to stick them up there. But now I’m afraid to take them out. I may lose what little hair I have left.” He saw the suspicious brightness in her eyes. “What’s wrong?” he asked softly.

“Nothing,” she said.

“You look like you’ve been crying,” he said gently as he took her hand in his. “Or at least thinking about it.”

“I...” she began. “Oh, it’s silly.”

“Tell me anyway.”

She let out a long breath. “I see you with him and...” The tears made a reappearance but didn’t fall as she looked at him. “I’m just so glad we didn’t miss it, you know? I can’t imagine my life without both of you in it.”

He pulled her into his arms and drew in a deep breath of her scent. That morning the usual smell of vanilla that clung to her was layered with the cinnamon she’d used in the rolls. He hoped that he’d be there to breathe that smell for at least the next 40 or 50 Christmases. “Yeah, I know. And it’s not silly. I feel the same way.” He hugged her tightly. “Now how about we go get some breakfast before Noah eats it all?” He released her and was glad to see that her eyes were clear and dry now. “You know what a bottomless pit he is,” he said as he slipped his arm around her waist.

As usual, talking to him had settled her. The earlier ache that she’d felt had been replaced with happiness and a deep gratitude for their life. “Kay,” she said giving him a genuine smile as they walked toward the kitchen.

**********

Christmas Eve - 6th Anniversary

With Harley watching just in case something fell on the floor, Josh was just putting the finishing touches on Donna’s dinner tray when Noah came into the kitchen.

“Daddy, Mommy’s crying again,” he said, more dismayed than distressed, as if that was nothing new. Which it wasn’t these days.

Josh stopped and turned to look at his 4-year old son. “What happened?”

Noah shrugged and climbed up on a stool so he could see what Josh had spread over the counter. “I don’t know. I went to watch TV with her and she was already crying.”

“What was she watching?”

“She was just watching Bambi,” Noah told him. “Why would that make her cry?”

Josh thought for a minute, then sighed. The scene where the hunters kill Bambi’s mother would do it. “I’m not sure, kiddo, but you know it doesn’t take much to make her cry nowadays.”

Noah planted his elbow on the counter, rested his head on his hand and sighed. “Yeah, I know. I’ve been trying to be extra good so she doesn’t get sad.”

Josh ran his hand over Noah’s curly hair. He needed to get his hair cut, the curls were getting a bit too long and they were getting a bit wild. “Noah, you’re always good.” Then he remembered the time that Noah colored the wall of the upstairs hallway and the time he broke one of his toys and tried to flush it down the toilet to hide the pieces and flooded the downstairs bathroom. “Well, almost always,” he amended with a grin. “It’s nice that you’re trying to be good, kiddo, but your Mom loves you just the way you are. You don’t have to try and change. She’s not crying because of anything you do.”

“She’s not?” he said with a child’s innocence.

Josh’s heart clenched. Noah had apparently inherited Josh’s ability to feel guilty, even about things that were outside of his control. He knelt down so he was face to face with Noah. “Of course, she’s not, Noah. It’s not your fault she’s crying. Believe me when I tell you that for the next couple of months she’s going to be crying...a lot.”

Noah considered that for a minute. “But why is she crying so much?”

He tried to think of a way to explain hormones and pregnancy to a four year old. “You know when you’re sick you cry sometimes because you don’t feel very good?” Noah nodded. “Well, that’s kind of how it is for Mommy right now, just worse.”

“You mean she’s sick?” 

“Well, no, she’s not sick but having babies kind of affects her like she was.”

“But if having babies makes her feel so bad, why does she do it?” Noah asked.

“Because she loves you and she wants more kids just like you,” Josh said, tweaking Noah’s nose. “So she doesn’t mind feeling bad or crying once in a while.”

Noah frowned. “I don’t like it when she cries.”

Josh looked at him for a minute. “I don’t either, Noah. But for now we just don’t have a choice.”

“Maybe I can learn some jokes. That way I could make her smile when she’s crying.”

Josh smiled. “I know she’d like that.”

“Okay,” Noah replied, apparently happy now that he’d thought of something he could do to make his mom happy.

“I tell you what,” Josh began. “Why don’t you go get ready for bed while I take Mom her dinner? When you’re all ready, you can come and give her a good night kiss. I’m sure she’ll like that, too.”

“But it’s not my bedtime yet,” Noah pointed out.

“I know it’s a little early, but tomorrow’s Christmas so you need to get a good night’s sleep. And the quicker you go to sleep, the quicker Santa is going to come.”

“Oh, yeah,” he said with a grin. “Will you still read me a story?”

“I have a better idea,” Josh told him. “When you come down to give Mom a kiss good night, why don’t you bring a book with you and she can read it to you. How’s that sound?”

Noah grinned wider. “Great. Can I pick “Santa Kid?”

“You know, that’s just the one I would have picked. You know how much your Mom likes that one.”

“That’s why I was going to pick it,” Noah replied.

“Well, you better get a move on so you can get ready and come back down here,” Josh told him.

“Okay!” Noah said excitedly as he jumped down off the stool and headed for the stairs with Harley trotting after him. Although Harley’s heart would always belong to Donna, he was deeply devoted to Noah.

“And don’t forget to wash your face and brush your teeth!” Josh called after him.

“I won’t!” Noah yelled back.

Josh smiled as he turned back to the dinner tray. Noah was so great. He couldn’t wait for them to have more kids. Now he needed to see to the other love of his life. Picking up the tray he carried it into the den where they’d set up camp for Donna. When Donna didn’t get pregnant through conventional means, she’d started taking fertility drugs. They’d quickly done the trick and Donna had gotten pregnant over the summer. The fertility drugs had caused one interesting, and for Josh and Donna, happy side effect. Donna was carrying triplets. Toby’s comment when he’d heard the news had been succinct. ‘You just had to outdo me and Andi with the twins, didn’t you?’

But while being pregnant with triplets was a happy occasion, it also provided a number of challenges for them.

One of the most obvious challenges was that Donna had started showing and despite some fairly horrible morning sickness, she’d gained weight a lot sooner than she had with Noah. When the doctor told her she could expect to gain 50-60 pounds over the course of her pregnancy she’d cried for the rest of the day. By the time she was five months along she was almost as large as she’d been at the end of Noah’s pregnancy. 

Then, because chromosomal abnormalities and other difficulties were more common to multiple births and women over 35, her doctor had recommended she undergo a number of blood tests and an amniocentesis when Donna had been about 5 months along. Josh and Donna had heaved a huge sigh of relief when everything came back normal. They’d also been happy to learn from the tests that she was having 2 girls, fraternal rather than identical, and a boy.

Donna’s next hurdle had been preclampsia, which was basically high blood pressure that developed during pregnancy. It was also very common to triplet pregnancies. She’d developed it fairly early on, but the doctor had managed to get it under control with a modified nutritional program for her and strict orders that she take things very easy and keep stress to a minimum. One thing, much to her relief, Donna had managed to dodge was gestational diabetes.

Things had been going well enough until November, when shortly before Thanksgiving she’d gone into early, or pre-term, labor and had to be rushed to the hospital. About 90 percent of pregnancies involving triplets ended early. A full term single pregnancy lasted about 39 weeks. The average triplet pregnancy lasted 32 weeks. But Donna wasn’t anywhere close to that at Thanksgiving. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had controlled the labor with medication and when it appeared that it had stopped, he’d released her from the hospital with the stipulation that she be on strict bedrest for the rest of her pregnancy. She was only supposed to be out of bed to use the bathroom and to go to her doctor appointments. If the pre-term labor reoccurred before her March 5th due date, then she’d most likely have to spend the remainder of the time in the hospital where she could be closely monitored and the labor controlled with more medication. 

The doctor had also suggested she have a C-section rather than a vaginal birth. Although a regular vaginal birth was still possible, her high blood pressure and the crowded nature of the uterus in a multiple birth could cause any number of complications during delivery. Complications like compression of the placenta and the fact that there often wasn’t enough room for the babies to turn properly which could lead to the first baby being born head first and normal, but the other babies being born feet first or not being able to enter the birth canal because the baby was sideways.

And so, as Donna so often did, she attacked the situation head on and decided to be as organized about it as possible. To save her from having climb the stairs, they’d brought a bed and a television into the downstairs office and turned it into their temporary bedroom. Then she’d set herself up with a schedule of sorts. She did brief, gentle exercises in bed that her doctor had recommended to keep clots from forming in her legs. She was reading voraciously, especially everything on multiple birth pregnancies and parenting. Armed with her laptop she’d already outfitted the nursery for the babies and all that was left was for Josh to paint and arrange things the way she wanted. She was even ordering their groceries online and having them delivered right to their door. 

As always, Josh had been her rock. The continued success of his consulting firm had given him the finances and the flexibility to stay home with her during these final months. It also helped that Toby was working with him and could take up some of the slack. He’d also hired a part-time housekeeper to come in and clean the house three times a week. The last piece of the puzzle for them had been Josh’s mom coming to stay with them. She’d rented out her condo in Florida so she could stay with them as long as they needed her. Donna and Ruth Lyman adored each other and Ruth couldn’t get enough of spending time with Noah. She was also going to stay for a while after the babies were born. Donna was the first one to admit that she would need help with Noah and three new babies. Since, in addition to it being Christmas Eve, it was Josh and Donna’s anniversary, Ruth had wanted to give them some time alone, alone after Noah went to bed anyway, and so she’d gone to the movies earlier in the evening.

Walking through the doorway, Josh saw Donna sitting up in bed. Just as Noah had described, she was crying softly. He put the tray down on the one desk they’d kept in the room for him to work on. Then he moved over to sit down next to Donna on the bed. Triple the number of babies also seemed to mean triple the number of hormones. 

“Donna, honey,” he said sympathetically. “You have to stop watching stuff like Bambi. You know how it upsets you. I think I’m going to make Bambi and Lassie and It’s a Wonderful Life and Terms of Endearment and anything like that off limits for the next few months. Anything that deals with death and disease and dying in childbirth is hereby officially banned.”

“I fooorgoootttt about the parttt where theeeyyy killled Bambi’s motttherrr,” she said tearfully. “But that’s nootttt whyyy I’m cryyyingggg.”

“What’s wrong? Are you feeling all okay?” he asked, now a little worried.

She managed to speak between hiccups and little sobs. “You should just divorce me now.”

He blinked. That was a new one. His worry faded. Now he was just confused. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m weepy and huge and fat and I look like a beached whale.”

“Donna,” he said gently. “There will be no talk of divorce. You’re not fat. You’re pregnant with our three children and you look beautiful.” He laid his hand over her swollen belly.

She smiled through her tears. “Well, you’re lying about the beautiful part but I appreciate the effort.”

“Donna, I want you to listen to me...I think you’re beautiful.”

“Really?”

He smiled. “Of course. You know that you’ve always been the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Well, you and Noah.”

“Oh, Josh, that the sweetest, nicest....” Her voice failed as she started to cry again.

“What’s wrong now?” Josh asked her with a frown. More hormones seemed to increase her already well-toned ability to change subjects at light speed.

“You’re being so amazing and understanding and we can’t even make love,” she wailed.

The doctor had told her when she’d been in the hospital for the pre-term labor in November that sex was completely out of the question for the rest of her pregnancy. With Noah, they enjoyed each other almost right up until she’d gone into labor. He smiled. “Donna. I waited 7 years to make love to you, I think I can control myself for a couple of months.” He laid his hand on her cheek. “You’re worth waiting for.” 

“But I have needs too, Josh,” she told him wetly. “I know I shouldn’t, I know my only concern should be the babies but I have...urges too.”

It warmed him that she could still want him after making love with him had left her in the current condition she found herself in. They’d already talked about him getting a vasectomy while she was recovering from her C-section. They decided four kids were enough, especially after all the problems she’d had during this pregnancy. “It’s okay to have urges,” he told her. “In fact with all the hormones going through you right now I’d be surprised if you didn’t have them. Say, since I can’t really do anything about the urges, how about I do the next best thing?”

“What’s that?” she said with a sniff.

“After I put Noah to bed, I’ll come back and give you the best Happy Anniversary backrub you’ve ever had.”

That seemed to stop her tears, at least for the moment. “A backrub does sound nice.” She laughed a little. “Who would have thought we’d ever see the day when a back rub was more important than sex?”

“Well, it’s only temporary.” He grinned. “Now, I brought you some dinner so why don’t you get started on it? You need to take your pills too,” he said, referring to the myriad of prenatal vitamins and supplements the doctor had given her.

“Okay,” she replied. As he started to stand up to get the tray, she grabbed his wrist. “Josh?”

He turned around. “Yeah?

“If I die in child birth.....” she began.

He sank back down on the bed. “Donna, please tell me you didn’t watch Steel Magnolias today...” he started.

“No, just let me finish,” she said, the tears welling her eyes again. “If I die in childbirth, I want you to find someone else. Someone who will make you happy and be a good mother to Noah and the babies.” The tears spilled over and ran down her face again. “Okay, tomorrow I’m deciding on names because I’m tired of calling them ‘the babies’ and if I die I don’t want you to have to worry about thinking up names for them.”

“Donna...” he said trying to keep the exasperation out of his voice.

“I want you to get remarried. Just promise on the children that I bore you it won’t be Amy Gardner....or Mandy. If you pick either of them I swear I’ll find a way to come back and haunt you. Joey Lucas would be all right. I wouldn’t haunt you if it was Joey. She was nice and she’d love the kids, but she doesn’t take your crap. Having Kenny around so much would be a little weird and you’d have to learn sign language, but with a little practice you could do it.”

Enough was enough. “Okay, Donna...you have to stop!” he said as he gently laid his hands on her shoulders. “You are NOT going to die in child birth and if you did, which you’re not, I would never get remarried, not even to Joey Lucas.” He looked at her for a moment, then leaned in and kissed her forehead. “Once you’ve found your soul mate anything less just won’t do.”

Donna cried harder. “Oh, Josh. You really wouldn’t get remarried?”

“Yes, I really wouldn’t get remarried.” He handed her a tissue. “Now please stop crying. You’re getting yourself all worked up and you need to stay as calm as possible, remember?” He leaned over and put his mouth up next to her belly. “And you three need to stop making your Mom so crazy. Hey!” he said as he felt movement under his hand. “Well, at least they’re listening.”

She blew her nose with the tissue. “Arguing with you from the womb is probably more like it. They are part Moss and part Lyman after all.”

“Well, you have a point there.” When the movement continued, he let his hand linger on her belly. It never failed to humble and amaze him when he felt their children move inside her.

She watched him for a moment, her heart swelling from the look of love and wonder on his face. “So you’d pine away for me and die a lonely, broken man?” she asked with a little smile.

“Well, when you put it like that....” he said with a grin as got up, retrieved the tray and set it down in front of her wide belly. Eventually he’d have to start putting it next to her rather than in front of her because her tummy would stick out too far for her to reach the tray. “Now eat.”

She looked down at the tray he’d put together. It consisted of everything she knew was on her approved list. A garden salad with plenty of vegetables, steamed chicken and a light vinaigrette. Low sodium cream of broccoli soup. Two sourdough dinner rolls with low sodium, low fat margarine. And to wash it and all her medication down with, a large glass of orange juice. “Boy, what I wouldn’t do for a fat, juicy cheeseburger with everything and an order of greasy, salty fries.”

Josh sat back down next to her. “What are you always saying to me? You get something healthy because I want you to be around to see your kids grow up.”

“Is it really necessary for you to use my own words against me?” she said picking up the bowl and eating a spoonful of her soup. She knew if she tried bringing the spoon all the way from the tray to her mouth, she’d only succeed in dribbling soup down the front of her shirt.

“Why yes,” he grinned. “Yes, it is. I get to do it so seldom.”

She ate quietly for a few minutes. “I’m sorry about our anniversary and Christmas,” she said, taking a bite of one of the rolls. “It’s hard to do much celebrating when I’m stuck in this bed.” Unlike most years when they had other people over for Christmas dinner, this year it would just be the four of them....or seven of them, depending on how you looked at it. 

“Oh, I don’t know. As I recall, you put your laptop to good use and even from this bed did a pretty good job of seeing that Hanukkah was good for Noah, mom, and me and with mom here to do the cooking, it worked out fine.” He leaned in conspiratorially. “Although in all honesty, your latkes are better than hers.” Donna smiled at that as she started on her salad.

“And I didn’t notice any shortage of presents for Noah, or for you, under the tree,” he said looking at the large Christmas tree they’d set up in the corner so Donna wouldn’t have to get out of bed on Christmas morning. “So there’s no problem there and I’m sure that Santa will be bringing him more.” He leaned in close to her again. “Including the new bike I still have to put together tonight. Plus Mom’s going to make us a nice dinner tomorrow, so it’s covered.” He smiled. “As for our anniversary, it usually ends up with me getting you into bed anyway so I look at it as just getting a head start.” He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “We’re together, Donna, and that’s what’s important.”

Blinking back renewed tears, she swallowed the mouthful of salad. “I know,” she whispered. She fiddled with her fork for a minute. “I didn’t forget about our anniversary, you know. I remembered to get you something. I had Ruth wrap it for me and put it in the nightstand.” That was and was not true, she thought. Since she couldn’t go shopping with him, she’d talked to Leo about where he had his suits hand made and she’d arranged for Josh to get two of his own. The thing she’d had Ruth wrap was a certificate she’d made with all the details.

“I didn’t think you forgot, although I would have understood if you had. With the babies coming, you’ve got a lot on your mind,” he told her. “But I didn’t forget either,” he smiled as he thought of the diamond and white gold earrings he’d gotten for her. They were in a filigree pattern that was similar to her engagement ring. “I figured we could exchange gifts after I put Noah to bed. Then I’ll give you that back rub I promised.”

“Kay,” she replied with a smile.

“Just so you know, there is one thing that won’t be under the tree this year,” he told her.

“What’s that?”

“This years charm for your charm bracelet. I’m was going to give you three baby booty charms this year, one for each of the babies, but since you’re due date is so close to the end of February and the beginning of March, I wanted to be sure to get their birthstones right so I was going to wait to get them until after you have the babies.” When she started to comment, he grinned. “The babies that you’re going to name, first thing tomorrow.”

The fact that he’d known what she was going to say made her grin. “Don’t worry, I’ll give you final editorial power on any of the names.” 

He leaned in, his mouth close to hers. “I’d appreciate that.” Closing the distance he captured her lips with his.

“I’M READY FOR BED!” Noah yelled as he came bounding into the room.

Josh pulled back and he and Donna grinned at each other and looked at their son. “I can see that,” Donna told him. “You got ready all by yourself. I’m very proud of you.”

Noah grinned under her praise. “Mommy, would you read me a story tonight?” he said holding up his book “Santa Kid” by James Patterson.

“I would LOVE to read you a story.”

Josh piped up. “Give her just a minute, Noah, she hasn’t quite finished her dinner.”

“I only have my salad and my juice to finish,” she told him. “I’ll finish it while you tuck Noah in later.”

“Okay,” Josh smiled as he picked up the tray and set it aside. “Climb up there, kiddo,” he said. Noah handed the book to Donna and then scrambled up onto the bed with her. Josh came back and sat down with them on the bed as Donna opened the book and began to read. He watched the two of them together, his heart swelling with love for them and the three children he had yet to meet. His family, his heart, his life. His life had changed so much in the years since he’d married Donna but he it wouldn’t have it any other way and there was nowhere he’d rather be.

**********

Christmas Eve - 10th Anniversary

“You know, this would have been a lot easier if we’d just gotten three bikes that were exactly the same,” Josh told her as he tried turning the directions upside down to see if that would make the diagram suddenly make sense. The various and assorted parts of three different bikes and the necessary tools were spread out on the garage floor in front of him.

Donna grinned as she sat cross legged on the floor next to him. “Yeah, ‘cause the girls would have wanted bikes that that had Spider Man all over them and Zac would have wanted one with Barbie or My Little Pony on it.”

“Well, you have a point there,” he mumbled.

“Personally I think it would have been easier if you had just let me buy them already assembled, like I did with Noah’s mountain bike,” she told him as she glanced at the other bike that was standing in the corner of the garage all ready to take inside and put by the tree. 

The kids were so good at sniffing out their Christmas presents, she’d ended up having to rent a small storage unit in Alexandria to store them in. Leaving Ruth to hold down the fort, she and Josh had gone over there after the kids had gone to bed that night and picked up everything. Luckily they’d taken both vehicles, her van and his car, or they never would have had enough room for all the loot. Everything but the bikes was already inside and under the tree.

“No, that would have been giving in, Donna. The assembly fee the store tries to charge is just legalized extortion. It’s like the ‘dealer prep’ thing that they try to charge you when you buy a car.” Josh argued as he continued to study the directions.

“I can see you’ve got that whole conspiracy theory all worked out there, Joshua.” She said as she watched him struggle with the directions. “You know, it might be easier to read the directions if you were wearing your glasses.” She twirled them tantalizingly in front of him.

“I keep telling you, I do NOT need glasses,” he argued holding the directions at arms length.

“That’s funny, the eye doctor seemed to disagree.” 

He squinted at the directions. Damn, he was getting old. “Even the eye doctor doesn’t know everything.”

“And yet, the degree hanging on his wall would seem to rule that out,” she replied. “Have I mentioned that I think you look really hot in these glasses?”

A smirk formed as he looked at her for a long moment. “Yeah?” She nodded. “Fine, give them here,” he told her.

She bit her tongue to keep from making a comment as she handed him the reading glasses and watched as he slid them on. The frown on his forehead slid away and she could tell he could now actually SEE the words. Of course that didn’t mean he could actually understand them. A few minutes later he still didn’t have anything put together.

“You know, I don’t remember Noah’s first bike being this hard to put together,” he said.

Donna decided that it was time to attack the problem from a different angle. It was already midnight on Christmas Eve and time was quickly slipping away. “I have an idea.”

“Should I be scared?” he smirked.

“Very funny. Do you want to hear my idea or not?”

“Well, at this point I can’t really afford not to. What is it?” he asked.

“Why don’t we have a race?”

“A race?”

“Yeah, you know, a little healthy competition to get the job done. We can each take a bike and the first one done wins,” she told him with a grin.

“Hmmm. I’m intrigued. So what would we win?” He looked at her with a suggestive gleam in his eye.

A touch of the wicked entered her smile. “The winner gets to pick where and how we make love tonight....or more accurately, this morning.”

Awareness flared though his body at her words. Even after 10 years of marriage, they were more like newlyweds than an old married couple. “I have a better idea. How about we let the kids assemble their own bikes and we skip forward to the love making part?” he said as he tossed the instructions over his shoulder and reached for her. “I’ll even wear my glasses.” He smirked.

As much as she wanted to give in, she held up her hand. “Do you really want our 3-year old triplets to wake-up Christmas morning to find piles of bike parts so we can have some nookie?”

“No, I guess not,” he replied with a sigh, settling back down and picking up the instructions again.

“Wow, you gave up way too easy,” she told him with a grin.

Josh looked back at her. “Really? You mean there’s still room to convince you?”

She sighed dramatically. “Well, there was, but now that moment has passed. That will teach you to be a little more persistent in the future.” She paused. “Of course, that future might come a little faster if we go with my idea about the bike assembly race. I guarantee you the bikes will get put together more quickly if we both do it than if you do it yourself while I mock you.”

He looked at her for a minute, then he picked up another set of instructions and handed them to her. “You’re on.”

With a grin, she took the paper from him and crawled across the floor to the next pile. As she moved passed him, Josh gave her jean-covered fanny a light swat and made her laugh. Planting herself in front of the pink “Barbie” bike she’d bought for Nicole, she got down to business as Josh tried to get restarted on the pile that would hopefully be the “Spiderman” bike for Zac. They worked in silence, or almost silence as Josh was making muttered comments every now and then, for about 45 minutes. It was clear that Donna was an early favorite to finish first but Josh was making definite progress. 

Donna settled the seat on the bike and tightened the bolt. It was the last piece of the bike she needed to finish. Looking up, she was going to make a ‘victory is mine’ speech to Josh but when she saw him, the words caught in her throat. 

His face was fixed in concentration, his glasses sitting adorably near the end of his nose. He was almost finished with his bike. In fact as she watched, he picked up the seat, set it in place and tightened the bolt. Raising his head, a huge smirking grin on his face, he took a breath to deliver what she was sure was the same ‘victory is mine’ speech she’d planned. Then his eyes met hers and the words seemed to die on his lips. “What?” he said with a frown.

She rested her chin on the bike seat. “Hard to believe Zac, Diana and Nicole are old enough to need bikes, or that Noah is old enough to need a new one.”

His expression softened. “Yeah. It seems like just yesterday you were pregnant with them.” He smiled as he remembered their birth. 

Donna had carried them to the almost 32 week mark. As her doctor had recommended, they’d been delivered by C-section. Their son, Zachary David Lyman, with his head full of pale blonde peach fuzz hair, had been born first. At 6 pounds, 1 ounce he’d been the biggest. Next, their first daughter with her warm, chocolate eyes and her head of brown hair, Diana Joan Lyman, had been born at 5 pounds, 4 ounces. And last, but not least, little Nicole Abigail Lyman had emerged at 4 pounds, 9 ounces, all pale hair and blue eyes.

All had apparently been born healthy, but because they’d all been born a bit early and a little small, they’d spent their first night in the neonatal intensive care unit so they could be monitored to see if they were going to have any breathing or other difficulties that preemies were prone to. Zachary or “Zac” as they called him, and Diana were moved to the regular nursery the next day but because of her especially low birth weight, Nicole was kept in the neonatal unit for another day. But four days after Donna had given birth and had recovered enough from her C-section, Josh had been able to take her and all three babies home. 

Now the triplets would be 4-years old in a couple of months and Noah, who adored his siblings, would be 9-years old over the summer. All of them were thriving.

“Speaking of our children, I win,” she announced with a grin.

Josh’s smirk jumped out. “Ah, I don’t think so, Donnatella. I think I win.”

“And just how did you come to that conclusion? I finished putting mine together first,” she argued.

“Yes, but I assume part of the race was that they had to be put together correctly.”

Donna looked down at the bike and frowned. It looked fine to her. “Yes, of course I meant that.”

“Well, that means you’re disqualified and I win,” he said with a continued smirk.

“Why?” she demanded as she continued to stare at her bike.

“Because your handle bars are on backwards.”

“They are?” she said in disappointment.

“Yes, the ends should slant toward the rider, not away,” he pointed out.

She looked at the bike. He was right, they were on backwards. “Okay, I know when I’m licked,” she said.

A leering gleam joined Josh’s smirk. “You definitely will when I get done with you. I think I’ll add licking you to the how and where I get to decide for winning our little contest.”

Donna felt her body heat at his suggestion. She’d long ago discovered his tongue was good for more than just his 760 verbal abilities. “You realize that with all our nocturnal activities, the two of us will be getting zero sleep tonight,” she said with a grin.

“I realize that,” he smirked. “I can take it if you can.”

“Even after all of our ‘afternoon activities’?” she asked him with a grin.

“Especially after our ‘afternoon activities’.” He sighed. “But I understand if YOU’RE too tired.”

“Oh, now, don’t you worry, Joshua, I can take everything you can dish out,” she told him. “Just be sure that you remind me to lock our bedroom door. You know how the kids are about getting up early on Christmas morning. Even though you told them they can’t open anything or get us up before 7, I don’t want to take the chance of them walking in and finding us and....the licking.”

His stare smoldered as he looked at her now. “Good idea.”

They’d celebrated their 10th anniversary earlier in the day. Since they liked to be home with the kids for Christmas Eve, they’d left Ruth in charge and Josh had taken Donna to what had continued to be one of their favorite restaurants, I Ricchi, for a long leisurely lunch. Then they’d spent the afternoon enjoying some time alone and each other in the suite he’d arranged at the Hay-Adams. While they were at the hotel they also exchanged anniversary gifts. He’d arranged for her to spend a day of her choosing at the trendy “Nusta Spa” in downtown DC. The “Sustain” package he’d purchased for her included a hydrotherapy soak, 80-minute massage, facial, manicure and pedicure, and lunch at the spa. He’d also given her a new charm for her bracelet. It was a little photo art charm with a locket sized copy of their wedding picture. For his anniversary gift she’d bought him a beautiful mahogany desk and a burgundy leather chair for his new office.

They’d made a lot of changes to the house in the years since the triplets had been born. 

First, Josh’s mother Ruth had become such a part of the family she’d decided to stay with them for the time being. To give her a little bit of freedom and her own space, they’d had a small, one bedroom ‘mother-in-law apartment’ built in the corner of the back yard. It had its own separate entry so she could come and go as she pleased.

Second, even with Ruth in her own apartment, it quickly became clear that they needed more space. Josh had needed a bigger place to run his consulting firm out of and he wasn’t the only one. Donna, just before she’d finished getting her masters degree in psychology a year earlier, had decided she want to combine the psychology with her talent and love for art. So she’d decided to volunteer her time at the same art therapy center she’d attended. Then, to bring in some money and for her own fulfillment, she wanted to try her hand at selling her own art. She’d also eventually wanted to hold art therapy sessions for troubled children. That meant she’d needed a studio. 

So when the small, one-story, somewhat rundown house next door to them came up for sale, they’d purchased it and renovated it into office space for him and a studio and small office for her. They’d added an enclosed walkway from their house to what they had dubbed the “Lyman annex” so they didn’t have to walk outside to get from one to the other if the weather was bad. Having a work space so close to home made it a lot easier for Donna and Josh both to be involved and attentive parents.

“Well, I guess if we’re going to get to those ‘nocturnal activities,’ we better get started on this last bike and get them inside,” he pointed out as he rolled Zac’s bike over by Noah’s. “You’d better fix those handlebars first though,” he said with a grin.

She stuck her tongue out at him and started to unbolt the handlebars and reorient them. Once she had them straightened out and rebolted, she moved the pink bike over with the other finished ones and came back to help Josh with the remaining one. It was the one she’d bought for Diana, one that was similar to the “Barbie” one but this one was purple instead of pink and was covered with “My Little Pony.”

“You know there’s been so much going on today, I forgot to ask you how your breakfast thing with Sam and Toby went this morning,” Donna said as they began working on the bike, each putting different parts of it together.

Josh grinned as he tightened the bolt that held the back wheel in place. “Oh, yeah, I meant to tell you about that. It went great.” He grinned wider. “Actually, Sam wants us to take him on as a client.”

Donna stopped what she was doing. “You’re kidding? What does he want to run for?”

“Well, we talked a lot about that. After all the crap he went through when he tried to run for the House seat in Orange County, he didn’t think he’d ever want to run for office again. But he said that just being a lawyer in D.C. isn’t enough for him anymore. So he wants us to help him run for the Senate next year.”

“From Maryland?” she guessed, as that’s where he and Ainsley and their two children lived now.

Josh nodded. “But here’s the kicker. After his Senate term is up, he wants us to help him run for....wait for it....President.”

It took Donna a moment to find a reply. “That’s amazing! Sam as President. I never would have guessed. I mean he’s definitely got the charisma and the brains, but I just hadn’t realized he had such high aspirations.” She paused as she handed him the piece she assembled so he could add it to what he already had done. “Is Ainsley on board with all this?”

“According to Sam, she is.”

“Well, you and Toby are going to have your work cut out for you. You know there are going to be stories about how the two of you nearly set the White House on fire. And when he got the snot kicked out of him in the House race in California. Not to mention him and the call girl.” Donna grinned widely. “But he would make an amazing President.” 

“Yeah, that’s just what Toby and I thought,” Josh replied.

“If anyone can get him elected, it’s you and Toby,” she told him honestly as they finished up the bike. “I mean you’ve definitely got the experience. First President Bartlet and now President elect Andersen,” she said referring to Democrat James Andersen the newly elected President that would be taking office in a few weeks. Josh and Toby’s consulting firm had been one of the leading forces involved in getting him elected. 

President-elect Andersen had offered Josh and Toby both high ranking positions in the new administration but while they’d believed in him enough to help get him elected they had no desire to serve under him permanently. There was also the fact that the time the campaign had forced Josh to be away from Donna and the kids had been really difficult on him and Donna both. At that point, he didn’t want to risk being an all but absent father and husband by going back to work at the White House. The success of the firm had made money a non-issue for them and he liked the flexibility of setting his own hours.

“Yeah, and even though he’s a good man, President Andersen had a few minor skeletons in his closet and we still managed to get him elected. So I guess that will just be practice for getting Sam elected. Cause although his skeletons aren’t quite so minor, he’s a much better man,” he said with a grin.

Donna sat back and watched as Josh put the seat on the bike and tightened it. “Well, you’re preaching to the choir on that one. He’s done a lot for me...for both of us. I mean he is your best friend after all.” She studied him for a minute. “And next to my husband and Jed Bartlet, he’s one of the men I admire the most in the world.”

Josh tightened the bolt one last turn and then stood up. “There’s no one I’d rather see as President than Sam,” he said as he held out his hand and helped her up off the floor. “He and Toby are like brothers to me.” He slid his arms around her waist and held her close. “But you’re wrong about him being my best friend. I’m married to my best friend.”   
Leaning in he lowered his mouth to hers in a gentle kiss. They kissed for a few moments and then pulled back slightly. 

“You know, now that we’re finished with these bikes, I’m feeling the need for some of those ‘nocturnal activities’ we were talking about earlier,” she told him. “How about we get these inside and move this discussion to our bedroom?”

“I like the way you think,” he said with a smirk. “Just don’t forget to lock the door.”

She grinned at him. “Check.”

**********  
Epilogue: Snapshots of a Life (B)  
Rating: YTEEN  
**********  
Christmas Eve - 18th Anniversary

“So did you two have a good time tonight?” Donna asked the girls as she turned the minivan onto their street and drove toward the house.

“I did. It was a lot of fun,” 11-year-old Diana answered from the backseat.

“Me too, Mike and Kevin are pretty cool,” her sister Nicole, also in the backseat, echoed.

The three of them were on their way back from a Christmas Eve party at Sam and Ainsley’s beautiful house in Maryland. These days, the parties at “Senator and Mrs. Seaborn’s” house were usually pretty splashy affairs. It was all part of being a Senator. But this evening it had just been just friends and family. Sam and Ainsley and their two teenage sons, Michael and Kevin, Josh and Donna and their four kids, Toby and the twins, and CJ and her husband Robert and their 10-year old daughter Deborah. After the Bartlet administration, CJ had opened her own small PR firm in D.C. that specialized in people in the political arena. Robert worked at the FDA as a medical reviewer. They met on a blind date and had been married two years later. Their daughter had arrived about a year after that.

After a sumptuous catered dinner, the kids had spent the evening hanging out together while the adults had caught up and discussed Sam’s Presidential campaign, which would be gearing up in four years, just after his Senate term was up. 

Donna and the girls were alone in the van because Noah, Josh and Zac were riding in Josh’s car because Noah had begged them to give him some driving time. He was 16 and a half years old and had just gotten his provisional drivers license after passing his written and road test with flying colors three weeks before. Josh still felt a little uneasy about letting Noah drive by himself at night so he’d ridden along. Zac was with them because he’d asked to ride along with his dad and the older brother he idolized.

“I just wish that Noah would shut up for five minutes about getting his own car,” Diana commented. 

“Well, just remember that when you’re Noah’s age and you want your own car,” Donna told her with a grin as she pulled the van into the garage and they climbed out. No one but her and Josh knew that they’d gotten Noah a car for Christmas. Although it wasn’t the flashy sports car every boy his age wanted, it was a fuel efficient, safe, solid, new model small four-door sedan that would get him from point A to point B. Josh had it delivered earlier that day and it was parked up the street. They were going to move it into the driveway tonight and then they’d wrap the keys for Noah to open in the morning. ‘When did Noah become old enough to graduate from a bike to a car?’ she wondered to herself as the three of them walked into the house and took off their coats.

She and Josh had discussed getting him a car and decided he deserved it. He was a good kid, who worked hard in school, got excellent grades, loved sports and was well liked by the other students. Also, much to his father’s delight, he was going to be a Senate page over the summer and was planning to spend his junior year as a school year Senate page in the fall. Noah had gone through the entire process, including getting Sam to sponsor him, all of his own volition. In fact, he hadn’t told Josh or Donna anything about it until he needed them to sign the parental consent form.

Since they lived so close, as a summer page, he’d be able to still live at home and commute in. But as a school year page he’d have to take classes at the Jefferson Building of the Library of Congress just like regular high school and have to live in the Daniel Webster Senate Page Residence Hall near the Capitol Building. And do it all while he was keeping up his page duties. He would be able to come home for short visits but would have to be back in the dorm every evening by curfew. Donna would miss having him around so much, but she knew that it was a huge opportunity for him and would serve him well in whatever he wanted to do in the future.

“We are thinking about our future cars, Mom,” Nicole insisted. “We love Noah but if he keeps harping on the car thing all the time he’s just going to make Dad mad enough that he won’t buy any of us cars.”

Their kids definitely had inherited the ability to debate. “Don’t worry about your Dad,” Donna said, trying to placate them without spilling the beans about the new car for Noah. “Even if he does get mad at your brother about the car, you’ll have five years to sweet talk him and convince him that you’re not your brother. You know your father can’t resist you two when you get together and present your case...or you know, use the pout.”

“But I thought you said using the pout wasn’t fair,” Diana replied.

They also had amazing memories. “Well....it’s not, which is why you have to use it sparingly and for things that are only of the utmost importance.”

Nicole snorted. “So what you’re saying is we should only use our powers for good?”

Sometimes it floored Donna just how much her daughters sounded like her. “Yeah, something like that,” she said with a grin as she laid her things down on the dining room table. “Just don’t tell your father and your brothers I told you that. It’s a mother, daughter, Sisterhood thing.” The two girls grinned in response. “Now I’m going to get started on the cinnamon rolls for tomorrow. Why don’t you take your stuff upstairs and when the guys get home, we’ll open Christmas Eve presents.”

They generally let each of the kids open two presents on Christmas Eve. One present was a special one containing a new set of pajamas that Donna had picked out for them and the other present they could pick out for themselves. Everything else they opened on Christmas morning.

“After we put our things away, would you like some help with the rolls, mom?” Nicole asked.

Donna smiled softly at the girls. “I’d like that a lot.”

“Kay,” the girls said as they headed upstairs.

Donna slid the jacket of her forest green suit off and walked into the kitchen. She hoped that Josh and the boys got home soon. It shouldn’t be much longer since they had already been in the car and ready to go when Donna and the girls had pulled away from Sam and Ainsley’s house. The sooner they got home, the sooner the kids could open their Christmas Eve presents and the sooner she and Josh could get around to celebrating their anniversary. They’d both been so busy running various errands with the kids and getting ready for tonight’s party, they hadn’t had a chance to do much more than give each other a Happy Anniversary wish and kiss this morning at breakfast. She was looking forward to some time alone with him.

Pulling her hair back into a pony tail, she got out the base dough she’d already made and everything else she’d need for the rolls. The girls came down a few minutes later and as the two of them started rolling out the dough, Donna mixed up the brown sugar, butter and cinnamon mixture that would be spread over it. When she was finished, Donna handed the bowl to the girls and then reached above the oven to get out a large metal baking pan. As she did, her eye caught the time on the oven display. 

With a frown, she set the baking pan on the counter and double-checked the time with a look at her watch. It was getting late. The three of the had been home for almost 45 minutes, but there was no sign of the guys. ‘Well, maybe they stopped on the way home for gas or got stuck in traffic,’ she told herself. Of course, there hadn’t been any traffic when she and the girls had driven home. 

Leaving the girls in the kitchen, Donna walked out to the dining room and pulled her cell phone out of her purse. Pressing the speed dial button for Josh’s phone, she listened while it rang and then rolled over into voice mail. ‘That’s weird,’ she thought. From the length of the ring she was pretty sure the phone was turned on and it wasn’t in use. ‘Well, maybe Noah had the radio turned up and Josh just didn’t hear it ring,’ she rationalized. ‘After all, what else could it be?’

Just then the doorbell rang and there was a loud knock at the front door. As she walked from the dining room to the front door she had to walk through the living room and past the large front window overlooking the street. Even though the blinds and curtains were closed, Donna could see the flash of red and blue emergency lights sneaking in between the slats of the blinds. She frowned, not understanding why they would be in front of the house. Automatically taking a look through the peep hole first, she unlocked the door and opened it.

Two male uniformed DC police officers stood on the doorstep waiting for her. The red and blue light from their police cruiser flashed behind them.

Donna’s stomach dropped.

“Mrs. Lyman? Mrs. Joshua Lyman?” 

Donna’s heart began to beat madly. “Yes, I’m Mrs. Lyman.”

“I’m Officer Bryant and this Officer Adams. May we come in and speak with you?” 

“Um....yes, of course.” She stood aside and the two officers stepped inside. She led them into the living room. “Please sit down,” she told them. Officer Bryant settled himself on the edge of the couch but Officer Adams remained standing, while Donna sat down in the chair across from them. “What can I do for you, officers?” she asked. Her brain refused to process why they might be in her living room.

“Mrs. Lyman, there’s been an automobile accident involving your husband and your two sons,” Officer Bryant explained as gently as possible.

“What?” Donna still couldn’t process the words they were saying.

“Your husband and sons were in a car accident. The car they were riding in was broadsided by a drunk driver just a few miles from here.” 

And just like that, the foundation of Donna’s world cracked and threatened to dissolve. ‘I have to hold it together,’ she told herself. ‘If for no other reason than the girls will need me to stay calm to keep them calm.’ Officer Bryant was still explaining what had happened and she tried to focus on what he was saying. 

“According to the what we’ve learned from the scene and a number of witnesses, your son was not at fault in the accident. He came to a complete stop at a red light and when it turned green, he proceeded into the intersection. The car that struck them was coming from their right. He didn’t have his headlights on as he ran the light going about 30 miles an hour when he broadsided their car.”

“Is it serious?” she heard herself ask them.

The officers traded a glance. “Yes, Mrs. Lyman, it’s serious. We’re not entirely sure of the extent of their injuries.” He paused. “Of the three, your husband was the most seriously injured. He was riding in the front passenger seat, which is where the car was struck. He was taken by Life Flight Helicopter to George Washington University Hospital. Your sons were taken there by ambulance.”

Her hand came up to her mouth and she suddenly had a flashback to that terrible night so many summers ago when she stood in the GW hospital waiting room and Toby told her that Josh had been hit in the shooting. Words failed her at that point. The shock and pain of it was even too deep for tears.

“Mrs. Lyman?” Officer Bryant asked her when she hadn’t spoken for a few moments. “Mrs. Lyman, is there anyone here that can drive you to the hospital?” 

Donna manage to shake her head. “No, my two young daughters are the only ones here with me.”

As if on cue, Nicole came out of the kitchen licking a butter knife covered in the buttery, cinnamon and sugar mixture. Although she and Diana had heard the doorbell, they’d been too busy arguing over whether or not they should try and finish the rolls on their own or wait for their mother to check and see who’d been at the door. “Hey, Mom who was....” she saw the officers and stopped in her tracks. Then she saw her mother’s face. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

Seeing her daughter in distress, snapped something in Donna and she went into mother mode. “Nicole, go get your sister,” she said with a gentle firmness.

Nicole recognized the tone in her mother’s voice and retreated into the kitchen.

“Mrs. Lyman, we can take you to the hospital if you’d like,” Officer Bryant told her, obviously of the opinion she shouldn’t be getting behind the wheel herself.

Donna nodded. “I need to call someone to come and stay with the girls.” She realized then that she was still holding the cell phone in her hand. ‘Well, I guess that explains why he didn’t answer her call,’ Donna thought numbly.

“Of course. We can wait until you’re finished,” Officer Adams replied.

Nicole and Diana came back into the room. “What’s going on, Mom?” Diana demanded. Nicole had only told her that something was going on and Mom said to come quick.

Laying the phone in her lap, she reached out and took one of their hands in each of hers. “Girls, your Dad and your brothers were in a car accident on their way home tonight. They’ve all been taken to the hospital to get checked out.”

Always the practical one, Diana spoke first as she tried to hold back her tears. “Are they okay?”

“I don’t know yet, honey. But I need to go down to the hospital to find out.”

“We want to come, too,” Nicole told her as tears spilled over and began to trail down her face.

“I know you do, but I need you to do something for me. It’s going to be hard, but I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important. I need you to stay here.” They both started to protest. “I know you want to go. If I were in your place I’d want to go, too. I know you love them very much. But you won’t be able to see them and you’ll just have to sit in the waiting room for what will probably be a long, long time. I’m going to need to focus on your dad and your brothers and I can’t do that if I’m worried about leaving you alone in the waiting room,” she said gently. “I’m going to call Aunt CJ to come and stay with you but I need you to stay here. I swear I’ll call you just as often as I can and let you know how they are and I promise that you can come and see them tomorrow.” She looked at them for a few seconds, her eyes begging them to understand. “Okay?”

After a moment, they both nodded. 

“Good. That’s my girls. Now give me a hug.” She pulled them close and enveloped them in a hug. “I love you both very much,” she said softly as she tried to keep a reign on her emotions.

“We love you too, Mom,” they both replied.

She released them and sat back. “Now why don’t you go finish working on the cinnamon rolls. I think you’ve seen me work on them enough to do it. Put them in the fridge when you’re done. That way, they’ll be all ready for us to bake when the guys come home,” she said, hoping that giving them a project would help keep them calm.

Silently, they nodded and went back to the kitchen. Donna picked up the phone but her hand began to shake so badly that she couldn’t make her fingers press the buttons.

Officer Adams stepped forward. “Ma’am, would you like some help?”

Donna looked up at him for a moment and with a nod, handed him the phone. “Press the down arrow until the word “CJ” is highlighted. Then press ‘talk,’” she told him. He did as she told him and then handed the phone back to her. Donna pressed the phone hard against her ear. The strain kept her hand fairly still.

“Hello?” Robert’s voice answered the phone.

“Robert,” Donna said, her voice a little unsteady. “This is Donna Lyman. Can I talk to CJ please?”

He must have heard the distress in her voice because he didn’t ask any questions. Donna heard the mumbled sound of them speaking, then CJ came on the line.

“Hey, Donna. What’s going on? Robert said you sounded upset.”

“CJ...the DC police are here....there’s been an accident....Josh and the boys...” She had to take a breath before she could continue. “I have to get to the hospital. The police are going to take me. But I need someone to stay with the girls....”

CJ didn’t even let her finish. “Go....I’m on my way right now. I’ll be at your house in 10 minutes. Don’t worry. I’ll stay with them. It will be okay. I’ll call Toby and Sam, too. Call me as soon as you know something.”

“I will. Thank you, CJ. I...I have to go.”

“Okay. I’ll talk to you later,” CJ said.

Donna managed to press the ‘end’ button on the phone and she felt herself automatically stand up. She must have been a little unsteady because Officer Adams moved over to her elbow. “Are you all right, Mrs. Lyman?”

His question seemed to pull her out of the trance she was in. ‘Get it together, Donna,’ she told herself. ‘Josh and your kids need you. You can fall apart later.’

“Yes, I’m okay,” she said. “I need to get my jacket and speak to my daughters and then we can go.”

“Yes, ma’am,” Officer Bryant replied. “We’ll wait for you at the front door.”

Walking back to the dining room she picked up her suit jacket and slid it on. After stuffing her phone inside, she slung her purse over her shoulder and headed for the kitchen. She expected to find the girls arguing like....well, like sisters. Instead they were huddled together in the middle of the kitchen, hugging each other.

Donna’s heart ached for them. “Oh, girls,” she said, wrapping her arms around them. “It’s going to be okay. I just called Aunt CJ and she’s going to be here in just a few minutes. I swear I’ll call just as soon as I find have any news. The police want me to go with them now though. So I’m going to lock the door behind me, but don’t open it for anyone but Aunt CJ or Uncle Toby or Uncle Sam.” She paused, torn between her need to be there for them and her need to get to the hospital to find out what had happened to the rest of her family. “Are you two going to be okay?”

The girls seemed to pull themselves together. Another thing they’d inherited from their parents’ was strength. “Yeah, Mom, we’ll be okay,” Diana replied.

“Tell Dad and Noah and Zac that we love them,” Nicole added.

Donna looked at her daughters with such love in her heart. “I will,” she said softly. Then, after then kissing them both on the cheek, she turned and walked quickly to the front door where the officers were waiting. She locked the front door and they loaded her into their car.

Under other circumstances she would have found it surreal to be riding in the back of a police cruiser but the whole evening had become a study in surrealness so it didn’t even occur to her to think anything about it. All she knew was they were taking her to Josh and the boys. She would have ridden in a trash truck if it had been going the right way.

As they rode to the hospital, Donna’s mind kept saying that Josh and the boys had to be okay. Any other option would be unacceptable. 

It had already been a hard year for them. Josh’s mom, whom Donna had become closer to than she’d ever been to her own mother and whom the kids adored, had passed away suddenly late in the spring. She never had gone back to Florida, instead choosing to stay with Josh and Donna and the grandchildren she loved so much. She’d died peacefully and in her sleep, there in the apartment they’d built for her, at the age of 85.

Even though Ruth had been relatively healthy and active right up to the end and she had been in her eighties, Josh had taken her death especially hard. For months he’d been just a little too quiet, a little too withdrawn. She was the only one he been able to show the depth of his grief to and he’d leaned heavily on her for strength. Ruth had been the last link to his past. But Donna and the kids were his future and the fact that he had them helped to remind him he wasn’t alone in the world.

She also thought back to the two other big losses they’d suffered in the last few years. Both times had difficult for them.

Five years ago, Leo had died at the age of 82 of a sudden and massive heart attack that he’d suffered while visiting Mallory and her family in Pennsylvania. 

And three years ago, they’d lost Jed. Oddly enough, the MS nor its symptoms had killed him. In fact, due to the number of developments both in medications to manage the symptoms and slow the progression of the disease, the MS had been largely in remission. In the end, he’d developed pancreatic cancer. Within 6 months of being diagnosed, he’d been dead at the age of 81.

Abbey still lived at the farm in Manchester and she’d largely retired from public life. But she did love visitors, and so Josh and Donna made it a point to take the kids up there at least once a year. 

When Jed’s cancer had been diagnosed, Zoey had moved back to the farm to be with her parents. After his death, she’d remained there with her mother. She’d become quite an accomplished author and was just finishing up a book about her father and what it had been like to grow up in the public eye. 

Jed had commented more than once that there had been one good thing to come out of his cancer. Charlie and Zoey had started seeing each other socially again. They were taking things slowly and seemed to be in no hurry to get married. Complicating things was the fact that Charlie was still working in D.C. as a lawyer at the Justice Department and so he had to commute up to Manchester to see Zoey. 

Even Harley hadn’t made it this far, she thought. Between his age of 17, old for a dog his size, and the liver cancer he’d developed, Donna had to have him put to sleep shortly before Jed had died. Those had been dark days for her. Josh had encouraged her to adopt another dog, but at the time she hadn’t been able to bring herself to do it. Harley had filled such a special place in her heart and for her, just getting another dog wasn’t going to fill it again. On the other hand, the kids had been bugging her to get another dog lately and she’d been giving it some thought. Three years seemed like a long enough mourning period and somehow, she didn’t think that Harley would begrudge her a new dog.

Donna had been so deep in thought, she didn’t realize that they’d arrived at the hospital until Officer Adams had climbed opened the door for her. Climbing out of the car, she blinked up at the red ‘Emergency’ sign. She’d hoped they’d seen the last of the GW emergency room. The last two times they’d been to GW, it had been for the births of the kids. And then they’d gone to maternity and not emergency. 

Taking a breath, she slipped the purse strap over her shoulder with determination and turned to Officer Adams. “Thank you, both, for everything,” she told them.

“Good luck, ma’am,” he told her as he got back in the car.

“Oh, Officer Adams?”

“Yes, ma’am?” he said.

“What happened to the people in the other car?” she asked.

“There was just one occupant. The driver,” he explained. “His car is totaled but he’s fine. We gave him a field breathalyzer test which he failed. He’s been arrested.”

“I see,” Donna said. “Thank you for the information.”

“You’re welcome, ma’am,” he said with a nod. With that the car pulled away from the hospital.

Donna watched the tail lights of their cruiser fade into the December night. Turning back to face the hospital, she stood alone for a moment, trying to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. Well, she couldn’t put this off any longer. Forcing herself to put one foot in front of the other, she walked inside.

Surprisingly, the waiting room was empty. Due in large part to the fact that it was Christmas Eve, she supposed. Seeing a wide window set into the wall at one end of the room, she went over and spoke to the nurse on duty.

“Excuse me?”

The nurse, a fresh-faced blonde in her 20’s, looked up from the file she was reading with a kind smile. “Can I help you?”

“I’m Mrs. Lyman,” Donna began. “The D.C. police told me that my sons, Noah and Zachary Lyman and my husband, Joshua Lyman, had been brought her after they were in a car accident.” She couldn’t believe how calm she sounded. It was almost like she was listening to someone else say the words.

With it being such a slow night, the nurse already knew about the members of the Lyman family that had been brought in. “Yes, Mrs. Lyman,” she said, gently. “The doctor is checking them over right now. I’ll let him know you’re here. He should be out to see you in a few minutes.”

Donna nodded. “Please....can you just tell me how they are?” A note of pleading had now entered her voice. She had to know something. Had to have some kind of hope to hang onto.

The nurse looked at her sympathetically. “I’m sorry. I don’t have any information for you right now. The doctor will be able to give you some news when he’s finished with their examinations.”

Donna tried to ignore the way her stomach dropped. She didn’t know if the nurse was just giving her the standard line that all waiting family members received or if she really didn’t know anything. She imagined it was a cross between the two. But it was obvious she wasn’t going to give Donna any news, so she’d just have to wait for the doctor.

‘We’ve been so lucky,’ she thought as the turned toward the empty waiting room. So unbelievably lucky. Except for Noah and Diana needing to have their tonsils out when they were young and the usual round of chicken pox and measles and childhood illnesses, the kids had all been healthy and had never needed to be in a hospital. 

Everything had been going so well. Too well, she supposed. Her life with Josh had been all she’d hoped it would be and more. She had a husband and children she adored, more love than any one person deserved in a hundred lifetimes and a family that was the polar opposite of the one she’d grown up in. They weren’t a perfect Stepford family by any means, but there was a wealth of love and laughter in their house that had always been there to smooth out the rough spots. 

She should have seen this coming. Should have expected the other shoe to drop. She had the sinking feeling that this was her day of reckoning for 18 years of happiness.

Trying to distract herself, she began to slowly pace the wide, empty waiting room. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a part of her observed how differently she and Josh paced. Josh paced like he walked, in quick, almost frantic steps. As if he thought he could out pace any bad news if he was just fast enough. But Donna paced with slow and deliberate steps. It was the even rhythm of the pacing, like a heartbeat, that she focused on to keep her mind from racing off in different directions and following conclusions that were better left unexplored.

Time seemed to come to a stand still for her. So when she heard someone finally call her name, she had no idea how long she’d been pacing. It could have been two minutes or two hours. She tried not to let her disappointment show when she saw it was Sam and not the doctor that was walking toward her.

Sam’s heart clenched as he saw her stop pacing and turn to look at him. Donna was one of the strongest people he knew, but she looked small and frail as she stood alone in the waiting room with her arms wrapped around her middle. Her dazed eyes looked back at him from a face gone pale with worry and the harsh fluorescent lights. Although Josh was like a brother to him and he loved their kids almost as much as his own, he couldn’t quite fathom what she had to be going through. If something happened to Ainsley and the boys he didn’t know what he’d do. He’d be lucky if he could stand up, much less appear to be functioning as well as she seemed to be. 

Of course, it occurred to him then there had been another time, during Weaver’s trial, when he’d seen Donna just a little too controlled, a little too calm. Although Josh had never told him the details, he’d gathered from the comments Josh had made at the time that meant she was just good at either covering up how she felt or she simply wasn’t allowing herself to feel at all. When she was like that, Sam knew that the only one who could get through to her was currently a resident in the GW emergency room.

Walking quickly over to her, he pulled her into a hug for a moment. She was stiff and felt like she’d shatter if he hugged her too tight. They stood there silently for a moment, then he released her.

“I came as soon as CJ called me,” he told her. “Toby’s coming too.” She nodded but didn’t say anything. “Did you find out anything yet?”

Donna shook her head. “They told me to wait here for the doctor. He’s checking the three of them out right now.” She swallowed. “They wouldn’t tell me anything else.”

“I’m sure he’ll be out soon,” Sam tried to reassure her. “Donna, I know it’s not going to seem like much right now, but if there’s anything, and I mean anything, that Ainsley and I can do, just say the word.”

“Thanks, Sam. I’ll keep that in mind,” she told him.

They stood there for a moment, neither of them saying anything. Donna didn’t have enough energy to hold up much of a conversation and Sam couldn’t think of anything to say that didn’t sound trite or like an American Greetings sympathy card.

“Do you want to sit down?” he finally asked her.

Donna shook her head. “No, thanks.”

“Well, then how about I just pace with you?” he asked her with a smile.

All of Donna’s emotions felt raw and just below the surface. Ready to escape if she let them. But she managed to give him a tired half-laugh. “Sure. I’d like that.” 

The two of them resumed her slow pacing of the waiting room. 

“Do you feel like you’re caught in a Marx Brothers sketch?” he asked her, referring to the fact that one of the trademark Marx Brothers moves was to kind of follow each other around almost the same way he and Donna were doing right now. She glanced at him with a small smile. “Sorry,” he said. “I’m sure you know by now that when I don’t know what to say or what to do, I resort to humor or, you know, what some would say passes as humor.”

“It’s okay, Sam,” she told him as they continued to pace. “Just by being here to support me and Josh you’re doing all you need to do.”

He knew she was trying to bury her own worry and pain by helping him with his and he appreciated it. “Thanks,” he told her with a smile.

“Mrs. Lyman?” A deep, but gentle voice spoke from behind them.

She turned and tried to keep her breathing and her heartbeat from going off the chart when she saw it was the doctor. “Yes, Doctor. I’m Mrs. Lyman,” she said walking over to him on legs that now seemed less than steady. Although she didn’t realize it, Sam remained at her elbow.

“I’m Dr. Coulter,” he said, reaching out to shake her hand. “May I speak to you in private for a moment, Mrs. Lyman?”

She realized that he was referring to the fact that Sam was standing just behind her. “I’m sorry, Dr. Coulter. This is my husband’s half-brother, Senator Samuel Seaborn. Please feel free to speak in front of him, it will just save me from having to repeat the information to him later.”

Sam blinked and tried not to look confused about the “half-brother” comment, but he didn’t say anything to contradict her.

Dr. Coulter regarded him for a moment and then nodded slightly. “Very well, let’s sit down, Mrs. Lyman,” he said indicating a group of chairs in the corner that would give the three of them a little privacy if anyone came into the waiting room.

Donna settled herself in a chair across from Dr. Coulter and Sam sat down next to her. “Have you had a chance to see my husband and my children yet, doctor?” she asked him.

“Yes, I have,” he told her. “Your sons are going to be fine. They’re a bit banged up but they’re going to be okay.”

Donna felt herself relax slightly. ‘The boys were okay....he said the boys were okay,’ she kept telling herself.

“Your son Zac has a fractured collarbone but is otherwise okay,” he explained. “A fractured collarbone is not uncommon for children and teens in vehicle accidents. The collarbone doesn’t fully harden until we’re about 20 years old. Zac was wearing his seatbelt and the force of the shoulder harness portion of the seatbelt restraining him in the crash fractured it. We took x-rays and the fracture is fairly stable, so I anticipate that it will heal without any complications. He’ll have to wear a special sling for a few weeks that will basically keep his arm immobilized against his chest. The sling will also help with some of the pain and soreness that’s associated with this type of injury. He’ll need to be checked by his regular pediatrician to make sure it’s healing properly.”

Donna nodded. “Is he in much pain now?” she asked.

“More discomfort than acute pain. We’ve got his shoulder immobilized with the sling at the moment which helps, but we haven’t given him any pain medication yet. We had to finish the examination first and we also need you to sign a parental consent to allow further treatment.”

She nodded. “Of course. I’ll sign whatever forms you need. I want him to have the best of care.”

“Does he have any allergies or medication sensitivities?”

“Um....” Donna searched her brain, trying to separate each of the kids and their medical information in her head. “Yes, he’s allergic to penicillin. As for pain medicine, he’s never had anything stronger than Children’s Tylenol, so I don’t know if he’s sensitive or not.”

“Okay,” he said, making a notation on one of the charts he was carrying.

“Now...your son Noah has a mild concussion, a fractured wrist and three fractured fingers. We sent him up and had a head CT scan taken and we didn’t see anything of significance. The concussion we think he got from the driver’s side air bag. Although it and the side curtain airbag surely saved him from hitting the steering wheel or suffering other injuries, the force of the airbag deploying threw his head back pretty hard against the head rest. Anytime the head is violently thrown around like that, the brain can potentially shift inside the skull and cause a concussion. 

His fractured wrist and fingers most likely came from him trying to hold onto the steering wheel during the crash. The crash would have mostly likely wrenched the wheel from his hands. That force could have easily caused those fractures. This same kind of injury is sometimes seen in race car drivers when they crash. It’s instinctive to try and hold onto the steering wheel but one of the first things they teach new race car drivers is to take their hands immediately off the wheel so they don’t suffer hand and arm injuries from having it wrenched away. We’ve casted his wrist and put splints on his fingers that he’ll need to wear for a couple of weeks.”

Donna nodded. “I see.”

“Noah told us he didn’t have any medication allergies. Is that correct?”

“Yes,” she replied. “And if it helps he did have his tonsils removed at Children’s Hospital when he was 8-years old. They’d have a record of any medications they gave him. Otherwise I’ve only given him Children’s Tylenol and regular Tylenol when he got old enough.” She paused. “Is he in any pain?”

Dr. Coulter made a notation on what was presumably Noah’s chart. “He’s got a headache from the concussion and his wrist and hand are aching quite a bit right now. Because he’s under 18, we’ll also need you to sign a consent form for him before we can give him any medication.” 

Donna nodded again. She seemed to be doing that a lot. “Sure.”

“I’d like to keep both the boys overnight for observation. I’ll arrange to have them moved into the same room in Pediatrics, so they can be together. But before we move them, they’ve both been asking to see you and their father. Noah was especially agitated. I think seeing you will go a long way to calming them down.”

‘Now we get to the hard part,’ she thought. The part that told her whether or not her life as she knew it was over. “Doctor, how is my husband? The police said Josh was hurt badly in the accident.”

Dr. Coulter took a breath. “Yes, Mrs. Lyman. I’m afraid his injuries are very serious. Noah and Zac were on the driver’s side of the car, the side that wasn’t damaged. But your husband was on the passenger side, directly in the area impacted by the other car. Because of that, his injuries are all on his right side.”

Part of her ached for the fact that ever since Josh had been shot, his right side had bothered him to some degree or another. The new injuries were only going to compound that. Her response was almost automatic. “He was shot in the chest some time ago. Most of the damage was done to his right side.”

Dr. Coulter nodded. “Yes, we saw the scars on his chest and he was able to tell us about that. We’ve pulled his records from that time.” He paused for a moment, silently gauging how well he thought she was holding up before he continued.

“Mrs. Lyman, your husband suffered a number of injuries in the crash,” he began. “The most serious injury was to his chest. He has four fractured ribs and one of those ribs punctured his lung. Air leaking from the puncture and blood coming from the damage to the chest wall had begun to build up in the pleural cavity. That, coupled with the pulmonary contusion caused by the sheer force of the impact, caused the lung to collapse. We’ve put a chest tube in to drain the pleural cavity and that’s helped him breath a little easier. The puncture should clot over and the rib that caused the puncture appears to have shifted enough that we don’t expect it to cause any more problems. We expect the lung to reinflate itself over the next couple of days.”

“Broken ribs are extremely painful, aren’t they?” Donna asked.

“Yes, and for obvious reasons they can also cause the patient to breath shallowly. But to reinflate the lung and keep fluid from building up we need him to breathe as normally as possible. Pain management with lung injuries is very tricky. Initially, we don’t give morphine or other narcotics to a patient with such injuries because they can depress respiration. So we’re treating him with multiple intercostal nerve blocks. It’s a variation of an epidural given to women in childbirth but on a much smaller scale. We basically block the nerves in and around the affected ribs. Once the lung function is stabilized we use more traditional methods of pain management. He’ll have to also be monitored closely for any signs of pneumonia.”

She nodded numbly. “You said he had other injuries?”

“Yes. He also has a broken arm, but it was a clean break. We’ll set and cast it. The other injury of concern is his fractured pelvis. Luckily the pelvic fracture is a closed, and stable fracture.”

“Meaning?” Sam asked.

“Meaning, there’s only one break in the pelvic ring and while that can be painful, it hasn’t actually shifted the structure of the pelvis and he shouldn’t have any permanent impairment. In fact we’re going to encourage him to be up and walking just as soon as possible.”

“But you said it was a concern,” Donna interjected.

“Because the pelvis is so deep inside the body it takes a lot of force to fracture it,” he explained. “That force has to travel through a lot of abdominal tissues, blood vessels and organs to get to the pelvis. We often see a lot of secondary internal injuries that are even more serious than the fracture, the most prominent of which is significant internal bleeding. Luckily, so far we haven’t seen any indication of this with your husband. The fact that the fracture is stable is also a good sign. But sometimes the damage can be more like a slow leak and can take a little time to present actual symptoms. So I’ve sent him up to have a complete CT scan of his chest and abdomen taken. If there is any indication of internal bleeding he’ll need to have surgery so we can take care of it.”

Sam put into words what Donna was thinking. “Doctor, if there aren’t any complications how long do you think he’ll need to be hospitalized?”

Dr. Coulter considered that for a moment. “If there are no complications....he’ll need to remain in the ICU for three or four days so we can monitor his lung injury and pain management. Then I’d say, depending on how fast he heals he’ll need to be hospitalized 1-3 weeks longer. The ribs and pelvic fractures should take a couple of months to heal completely. After he’s released, his recovery will go faster and be more productive if he gets regular amounts of light exercise.” 

“So he’s going to be okay?” Donna asked, still not quite able to get her mind around what Dr. Coulter was saying.

“Well, I’ll have a clearer picture when his CT scans come back. But, yes, it’s my opinion, if he doesn’t develop any complications, he’ll make a full recovery.” He saw her relax marginally. “Mrs. Lyman, let me just say that as bad as your husband’s condition sounds, it could have been much worse. A broadside crash is among the deadliest types of automobile accidents. Until recently, a passenger sitting where your husband was had almost no chance for survival. But over the last five years more stringent requirements for reinforced safety cages in passenger cars and mandated standard side curtain airbags have had a significant and positive affect on the survivability rates of such crashes.” He smiled kindly. 

“Now, if you’ll come with me, I’ll have the nurse give you the consent forms to sign and you can see your sons.” He stood. Donna and Sam did the same. “Oh, and you should know, that I’ve put off telling both boys about their father’s condition. I was concerned that it would only agitate them further. They will have to be told eventually though and it will probably be better if it comes from you.”

Donna nodded. “When can I see my husband?” She needed to see for herself that Josh was okay...or was going to be okay.

“After the CT scan they’re going to take him to orthopedics so they can set and cast his arm. Then we’ll be moving him to ICU. You can see him then. Give us about an hour to get him settled.”

Donna nodded. That would give her time to see the boys and hopefully get them into a regular hospital room. She turned to Sam. “You’ll call CJ and tell her and the girls what’s happening?”

“Of course,” he told her.

“I’ll come see you after I see the boys,” she told him.

Sam nodded and she turned to follow Dr. Coulter back into the emergency room. He turned her over to one of the nurses, ‘Cathy’ her nametag said, who had the parental consent forms ready for Donna to sign. After all the i’s were dotted and the t’s were crossed, Cathy led her to the room where Zac was being treated.

“He’s been a model patient,” she told Donna quietly. “He didn’t cry once, even when we were manipulating his arm and fitting him with a sling. He was starting to fade there near the end though. I imagine he’s pretty tired. We also just gave him some Children’s Tylenol so he should be a bit more comfortable. He may even be asleep.” 

With a nod, Donna pushed open the door and stepped inside. She felt the heart contract in her chest as she walked up to the gurney. Zac, her baby boy with the laughing blue eyes and the golden hair, lay small, still and silent on the gurney. He hadn’t been a baby for about 9 years but at that moment she was just glad he was okay and mostly in one piece. A white sheet was pulled up to his waist but his chest was bare. Bare that is except for his left shoulder and arm which were swathed in the special sling Dr. Coulter had mentioned. The leading edge of a reddish, purple bruise in the shape of a partial seatbelt strap was peeking out from the underneath the sling.

She ached to touch him, to hold him like she’d always done when he’d scraped his knee or had a bruise, but she didn’t want to wake him so she settled for gently adjusting the sheet. He must have not been asleep because his eyes fluttered open and he looked up at her. Tears filled his eyes almost instantly. “Mom?” he whispered in a voice that sounded like he wasn’t quite sure if he was dreaming or not.

Now that he was awake, she was a little afraid to touch him for fear that she’d somehow hurt him. So she settled for brushing a stray lock of hair out of his face. “Yes, baby, it’s me.” He must be feeling badly because he didn’t even object to her calling him ‘baby.’ He was at the age where he’d begun to protest when she did.

His tears spilled over and he reached for her with his right hand. “Mommy,” he said, his voice now full of the knowledge that he wasn’t dreaming, and he was no longer alone.

Being as careful of his shoulder as she could, Donna gathered him into her arms and pulled him close. She felt his right arm go around her tightly as she rocked him gently. “It’s okay, baby, I’m right here,” she assured him as her own tears trailed down her face.

“I was so scared,” he said into her shoulder.

She rubbed his back gently. “I know you were. I’m so sorry. I came as soon as they told me you were hurt.”

“I was with Noah in the ambulance, so I know he’s okay, but how’s Dad? No one will tell me anything.”

She considered lying or at least softening the truth but one thing she and Josh had tried to do was always be honest with the kids no matter what they asked. In her opinion, now was not the time to change that. She kept her arms securely around him. “I haven’t seen him yet, Zac. I’m going to see him after I get you and Noah into a room. The doctor is still doing some tests, but he told me Dad is hurt pretty bad and will need to stay in the hospital for a while.” She pulled back far enough so she could look him in the eye. “But he also said that he’s pretty sure that your dad is going to be okay.”

Zac stared at her for a minute, his expression unreadable. “He’s not dead?” he said shakily as more tears threatened.

She pulled him in close again. “Oh, baby,” she said, her heart turning over in her chest at the fear she heard in his voice. “No, he’s not dead.”

“When no one would tell me....” he began, tears of relief thick in his voice. “I thought....I was worried he....maybe he....” His voice trailed off. “It was really bad in the car, Mom.” He admitted. “The car was kind of....wrapped around Dad.”

Donna closed her eyes and swallowed at the image of Josh trapped in the car. “I can only imagine how bad it was for you,” she told him. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

Zac was quiet for a minute as she continued to rock him gently. Now that he knew his dad was going to be okay, sleep began to sneak up on him. “I’m glad you’re here,” he mumbled softly against her shoulder. Now that she was, he knew he could rest. Mom would take care of everything.

Donna began to hum softly. A lullaby she hadn’t sung to him for a very long time. Slowly, she felt his body relax in her arms. His hand eased its grip on the back of her jacket, then his arm slid from around her shoulders altogether. Once he finally got to sleep, especially when he was tired, Zac slept like the proverbial rock. Gently, she laid him back onto the gurney. Tugging on the sheet, she pulled it up under his chin. After pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead, she turned and went to find Noah.

Stepping out of the room, Donna quietly closed the door behind her and moved to the nurse’s station where Cathy was working entering something into a computer. She looked up as Donna approached.

“I think he’s asleep now,” Donna told her. “He was pretty worried about his dad but I think I got him calmed down.”

“I just had a call from Pediatrics. The room for the boys is ready so I’ll have him moved upstairs,” Cathy told her. “Now, I’m sure you’re anxious to see Noah. He’s in treatment room 4,” she said pointing with her pen. “Let me know when you’re done and I’ll have Noah taken upstairs as well.”

“Thanks,” Donna replied. Turning away from the nurse’s station, she walked to treatment room 4. Pausing for a moment at the door she took a breath and then pushed it open. “Noah Samuel Lyman, what the heck are you doing?!” she demanded as she rushed toward him.

Wearing only his boxers, he was off the gurney and trying to put his jeans back on. The problem was, he was obviously unsteady on his feet. She presumed that was due to his concussion. His casted broken arm and splinted fingers complicated the process even further.

“Mom! Thank God you’re here. Help me get dressed,” he said clearly agitated.

She gently took hold of his elbow, but her voice was firm. “I will not. You’re going to get back up on the gurney. Now.” She didn’t need to raise her voice. Her tone made it clear that she was not making a request.

“But....” he begged.

“But nothing. Drop those pants and get back on that gurney. You may not have noticed this, but you have a concussion and you’re not exactly in any shape to go anywhere.”

When she used her “mother voice” he knew it was pointless to argue so he dropped the jeans back on the chair and let her help him back over to the gurney. His head was starting to throb a bit anyway. “But you don’t understand....”

“Then why don’t you lie down and explain it to me,” she told him as she helped him climb back up on the gurney.

“I can’t lie down,” he insisted, as he remained sitting and resisted her attempts to get him to lay back. “I have to go find Dad,” he pleaded.

“Your dad is being examined right now, Noah,” she tried to explain. “You can’t see him. They won’t even let me see him right now.”

“But I HAVE to find him. I have to tell him.....” his voice trailed off.

“Tell him what?” Donna asked.

“I just....I need to talk to him,” he said not meeting her gaze.

It was patently obvious that something serious was going on with him. “Why, Noah?” she said gently. “Why do you need to talk to talk to him?” 

“I just do.”

“Noah...”

“I have to apologize!” he blurted suddenly, cutting her off. “I have to tell him I was being stupid.”

“What do you have to apologize for?” she asked him quietly.

He was ashamed of the way he’d acted with his father and she was probably going to be disappointed in him but it was eating him up inside and he had to tell someone. “I was mouthing off about getting a car and Dad just kept saying he didn’t want to talk about it and when I kept at him he started to just said no in that calm way he has that says he’d become a right-wing Republican before he’d change his mind.”

‘Ah, yes, I know that tone well,’ she thought. She considered telling him that the reason Josh hadn’t wanted to talk about it was because they’d already gotten him a car for Christmas, but she knew that would only make Noah feel worse.

“And so I told him that if he wasn’t going to listen to me about the car then I wasn’t going to listen to him at all and I proceeded to give him the silent treatment,” Noah told her. 

“It doesn’t matter,” she told him. “He knows that you didn’t mean it. He knows that you love him.”

He went on as if she hadn’t spoken. “Then I did my best to get us all killed.”

“Stop it, Noah,” she told him as she gave his shoulder a quick, little shake to get his attention. “Look at me,” she waited a moment until he did as she asked. “You have to listen to me. The accident wasn’t your fault. The police told me the other driver was drunk. He ran the light and.....”

“But I should have seen him coming,” Noah insisted. “I was so busy being mad at Dad I wasn’t paying pay attention.”

“They said he didn’t even have his headlights on,” she said, trying to get through to him. “There’s no way you could have seen him before it was too late anyway.”

“Don’t you get it, Mom?!” he blurted. “I have to tell him I’m sorry before he dies....” he said with tears in his eyes.

Now Donna cut him off. “Whoa, whoa, Noah. Hang on,” she said, laying her hand on his shoulder. “Your father is hurt pretty badly but the doctor thinks he’s going to be okay.” 

“But what if the doctor is wrong? What if he dies and I never...”

“He’s not going to die.” She wasn’t sure if she was saying it more for him or for her, but she had to keep believing that. “But even if he did, he would know that you didn’t mean whatever you said. He loves you and that’s all there is to it.”

He put his head down and stared at the floor for a long moment. The silence she got from Noah was telling her she was getting through to him. The kids weren’t usually such overt worriers. The fact that Noah and Zac were both worried about their dad dying told her a lot about just how bad it must have been for them in the car.

“It’s not your fault, Noah,” she said quietly. “But if it will make you feel better, I’ll check and see if I can get you in to see your father in the morning.” His head snapped up at that, hope finally touching his expression. “He’s going to be in ICU for a couple days, though, so you’re not going to be able to see him for very long. “ She brushed a lock of dark hair out of his face. “But I think seeing you and your brother will be some of the best medicine he could have right now.”

Without a word, he reached out and put his arms, cast and all, around her neck. “Thanks, Mom.....for everything.”

She put her arms around him and kissed the top of his head. “You’re welcome. Thanks for being okay.”

“No one would tell me how he was,” Noah said quietly as he continued to hang onto her.

“I know, honey,” she said, stroking her hand down his back. “They wanted you to hear it from me.”

“How’s Zac?” he asked her. “I talked to him in the ambulance a little and he seemed okay except for the pain in his shoulder.”

“He’s okay, a little scared. I just saw him. He’s got a broken collarbone, he’ll have to wear a sling for a while but he’ll be fine. They’re going to keep both of you overnight, just to be sure everything’s okay. The doctor has arranged for you and Noah to share a room.”

Part of him wanted to go home and sleep in his own bed, but he’d be closer to his dad if he stayed at the hospital. Besides, he was getting pretty tired and now that he’d had a chance to talk about what had happened, he didn’t think he had enough energy to go through the process of going home. He released her and let his arms slip from around her neck to settle back in his lap. “Okay,” he replied.

Donna could hear the fatigue in his voice. “Now, I want you to lie down and try to rest,” she said, finally getting him to lie back on the gurney. “You need to be fresh when you see your dad in the morning.” He didn’t protest when she pulled the sheet up and over him. “They’re gonna take you upstairs in just a bit,” she told him. “They’ve already moved Zac up there. I need to go talk to Uncle Sam, call home, and then I’ll be up to check on you guys.”

“All right,” he said with a nod.

“Mom?” he asked as she stood back up.

“Yes, honey?” 

“I love you.”

He was getting old enough that he didn’t say the words very often anymore and it touched her deeply that he was saying them now. “I know,” she said with tears in her eyes as she ran a hand over his gorgeous but unruly brown curls. “I love you, too.” She watched him blink back tears of his own. “Now try and get some rest and I’ll see you later.” With that she bent down and kissed him gently on the forehead, then she turned and walked out of the room.

“Well, how’s he doing?” Cathy asked as Donna returned to the nurses station.

“He’s calmed down quite a bit. Actually he seems pretty tired.”

She smiled. “That’s natural with a concussion, even a mild one. There was no evidence of other trauma in his CT scan so he can sleep if he wants. We’ll check him every hour or so to do a neurological check just to make sure he’s doing all right.”

“Oh, good,” Donna said with a nod. “Well, I think he’s ready to go upstairs.”

“Okay, we’ll get him settled.” She wrote something on a pad and handed it to Donna. “This is their room number in Pediatrics.”

“Thank you,” Donna said, taking the paper from her. “Has there been any more news about my husband?”

“No, I’m sorry, not that I know of,” Cathy replied.

“Well, thank you anyway. If you need to contact me, I’ll be up in Pediatrics.”

Cathy tried to smile reassuringly. “All right.”

After she finished speaking to Cathy, Donna went back out to the waiting room to update Sam. Toby had arrived while Donna had been in the ER so she updated both of them.

The three of them headed upstairs to check on the boys. On the way, they stopped by at the ICU to see if Josh had been brought up yet. He hadn’t been, so they continued up to Pediatrics. Where they found both boys sound asleep. Toby offered to go and get the three of them some coffee, so Donna and Sam sat in the room with the boys and talked quietly for a few minutes. They didn’t talk about anything especially important or notable. Mostly, it was small talk and about how nice it had been for all of them to get together at Sam and Ainsley’s that night.

Donna, feeling the walls closing in on her a bit, and yet secure in the knowledge that the boys were sleeping peacefully and Sam would be there if they were to wake up, told him she was going to go and ask the nurse for any news on Josh. Sam must have sensed her need to have a moment to herself because he didn’t try and come with her.

Walking down the hall, she stopped at the nurse’s station but there was no one there. She turned to go back to the boy’s room but only got a few steps when she saw a directory sign on the wall. The item on it that had caught her eye was a listing for the hospital chapel. Part of her acknowledged that she should go back and tell Sam where she was going but her feet were already moving in the other direction and heading for the elevator.

As she rode down in the elevator, Donna considered the fact that she’d never been particularly religious. She believed in a higher power and all, but she’d never done much around practicing or exploring faith. She supposed that had something to do with the fact that her parents had kind of turned her off to organized religion early on. They’d always been big about going to church on Sundays. Problem was, for the most part, they’d acted anything but Christian for the other six days of the week.

Overwhelmed with the evening events, Donna’s body was largely on autopilot as she stepped off the elevator and managed to find the small chapel a few doors down. She paused in the doorway and looked inside. It was empty, which wasn’t surprising given the fact that it was nearly 1 am on Christmas morning. An aisle ran down between two sets of four wooden pews. A small altar with a fairly non-descript white cross sat at the front of the room with a small stained-glass window set into the wall behind it. A portable wooden podium sat off to the left, presumably ready to be put into use if there was a need for some kind of a service.

Walking forward, she slid into the second pew on her left. The hardness of the unpadded wooden pew under her was somehow comforting. Probably because it was similar to the wall leaning trick that she and Josh had both used over the years.

Josh....

It occurred to her then that the last time she’d prayed had been after Josh had been shot at Rosslyn. She swallowed at the thought. Well, since he’d survived that she figured praying couldn’t hurt now, either. Bending her head, she silently began to pray to whatever deity or deities that were listening.

When Sam found her 20 minutes later, she’d progressed from praying to crying. Not sobs, just silent tears that didn’t begin to touch the well of fear and pain she was feeling.

“Donna?” Sam said softly.

She looked up at him, unashamed of the tears trailing down her cheeks. “Hey, Sam.”

“You mind if I sit down?”

“No,” she said with a sniff as she slid over in the pew. “Are the boys still sleeping?” she asked.

“Yeah, Toby’s with them. He brought us some kind of liquid masquerading as coffee but when you didn’t come back, I asked him to wait with the boys and I came looking for you. I thought about trying to call your cell but you left it and your purse in the boys’ room.”

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you,” Donna said quietly. “I know I should have told you where I was going, but my feet just seemed to find their way down here.” She sniffed. “Not that I was hiding, but how did you find me?”

“A nurse saw you get on the elevator,” he replied. “I thought maybe you’d gotten some news about Josh and had gone back down to ICU. Obviously, you weren’t there so I started looking around and I when I saw the sign for the chapel I took a chance.” He smiled. “Plus, I thought even if you weren’t here I could send up a little prayer for Josh while I was here.”

“You’re a good friend, Sam,” she told him as the tears continued to trickle down her cheeks. “And from what Dr. Coulter said, we’ve got you to thank for Josh being alive. After all, the Auto Safety Bill was one of the first bills you got passed when you started your term in the Senate,” she said. The bill had tightened the restrictions that automakers had to follow for safety standards, including the standard side curtain airbags and reinforced passenger safety cages that had apparently saved Josh’s life.

“You know, Josh was the one who got me working on that bill in the first place,” Sam told her quietly. “When my mom was killed in that car accident right after I took office, I felt so angry and helpless. He helped me focus that into finding ways to make cars safer.” 

She smiled and sniffed. “You guys have always made a good team.”

Sam sat there for a moment and considered that. “Why did you tell the doctor that I was Josh’s half brother?” he asked her.

Donna laughed tearfully and took his hand in hers. “Cause that’s how he thinks of you,” she said simply. “You and Toby are both like the brothers he never had. I said half brother to explain your different last names.” She smiled. “Josh always says I can think on my feet.” At the mention of his name, a fresh wave of tears fell from her eyes. “Plus that way I figured that it would make things easier for you to be able to see him if he was in the ICU. You know how they are about ‘family only.’” She looked at him. “While the hospital staff may not think so, to me and Josh, you and Toby ARE family.”

Sam was very touched by her words. “Thanks,” he said softly. They sat there in silence for a few minutes, then he gave her hand a squeeze. “So how you doin’?”

“Oh, I’m okay,” she said wiping her nose with a tissue she’d fished out of her pocket. “I’m just really worried about him.”

He put his arm around her shoulders. “I know. I am too.”

She rested her head on his shoulder for a moment. “He’s got to be okay, Sam. He just has to be. I’m not ready to let him go yet. I know we’ve had 18 years but I want 18 more.”

“And you’ll have them,” he said. “I know you will. Toby would call me a ‘Pollyanna’ but I think you guys have been through too much and worked too hard to have a life together.”

Donna smiled through her tears, “Pollyanna?”

Sam grinned. “It goes back to the Hailey Mills fetish of my youth.”

“And here I thought after all these years I knew everything there was to know about you,” she laughed softly.

“Well, we all have to have our secrets,” he chuckled.

They were quiet for a moment and sniffed as the tears began to ebb. “Thanks, Sam.”

“Feel better?” he asked. She nodded. “Good, now why don’t we go see if they’ve finally brought Josh up to ICU? When I was in there looking for you earlier, they said that they would be bringing him up in a few minutes.”

“Okay,” she replied. After blowing her nose and wiping away the rest of her tears, she and Sam left the chapel and headed for the ICU.

“Hello, Mrs. Lyman,” Dr. Coulter greeted Donna as she came into the ICU. “We just brought your husband up and got him all settled. The results of his scans came back. His head CT was clear and outside of the fracture to his pelvis, we didn’t see any evidence of further injury to his abdomen so he won’t need any surgery.”

Donna felt like she could start breathing again. “Thank you, Dr. Coulter.”

He smiled. “You can see him now. He’s still a bit groggy, but he’s been asking for you.”

Donna’s heart leapt at hearing that he was aware enough to be asking for her. But she also felt bad that he’d needed to ask for her because she hadn’t been allowed to be with him throughout this nightmare.

“Oh, try and keep his talking to a minimum for now,” Dr. Coulter instructed her. “With his rib injury and collapsed lung, talking will tire him out pretty quickly.”

Donna nodded.

“We’ve got him in Bay 2.” He glanced at Sam. “But I can only let one of you in at a time.”

Donna turned to Sam. His reply was instant. “Go. You’re the one he needs to see. I’ll call Toby and let him know we’re down here.”

“Thanks,” she said with a grateful nod. Turning, she started walking down the row of patient bays. Most were empty, Donna only saw two other patients. Each of the ‘bays’ were rooms with two glass walls and open on the end. A curtain inside each room could be pulled around the bed for privacy if needed.

Donna kept walking until she found herself standing a few feet off the end of Josh’s bed. She could hardly breathe. Josh was always such a study in energy and motion. To see him so still against the stark white sheets was a little overwhelming. The only other time she got to see him remotely like this was when he slept. But even when he was asleep, he had his arm around her or was flopped over on his stomach and his face was relaxed. The way he was laying now, he looked almost....formal. Or maybe posed was a better word for it. His face was a little too tight, his body a little too rigid. She guessed at least part of that was from his injuries. 

She gave him a visual once over. Like Zac, the sheet covering him was pulled up to his waist. Unlike Zac’s one bruise, a garden of dark, reddish-purple bruises had bloomed along the right side of Josh’s ribcage. She imagined his hip was sporting similar flora. Rounding out the picture was the white plaster cast encasing his right arm, the nasal cannula feeding oxygen to his nose and the i.v. dripping slowly into his left arm.

Josh had closed his eyes in an effort to try and concentrate on the simple act of breathing. Although they were giving him shots to deaden the pain in his ribs and he was on oxygen, it was still a little bit of work to breathe. He was also still feeling some of the pain in his broken arm and hip even though the Tylenol they’d given him had helped take the edge off. The shuffling and shifting they’d had to do to get him settled in the ICU hadn’t helped either. All in all, though, he had to say, he felt better than he did the last time he’d woken up in the GW ICU.

Now all he needed was Donna. With her there, everything was always better.

He sensed her first, then heard the rhythm of her footsteps, the same footsteps that had kept up with him for all these years. His eyes fluttered open to see her standing at the end of his bed like some kind of amazing angel. 18 years of marriage had done nothing to diminish the love he felt for her. He didn’t see the crows feet beginning at the corners of her eyes, he only remembered the laughter that had put them there. He didn’t see the way her hair had begun to fade from gold to a pale white gold. He only remembered the way it trailed over his skin when she slept or when they made love. Her expression was a mixture of fear and hope. Slowly, almost like she thought he would disappear if she rushed forward too quickly, she approached him.

“Hey,” she said softly. She wanted to hold his hand but with one arm broken and the other arm with an i.v. in it, she didn’t want to jostle him.

“Hey,” he answered slowly and carefully. With his lung broken ribs, talking was even more of effort than breathing. “I think I’m going to be late with your Christmas and anniversary presents.”

She heard the tight and slightly breathy quality in his voice and she knew it was from his injuries. Moving closer, she laid her hand gently on his shoulder. “Don’t try to talk, I know it must be hard.” Her hand moved to his cheek. “Besides I’ve already got what I wanted...you and the boys are going to be okay.”

He wanted to honor her request that he not talk but he needed to know about the boys. “Did you see them?” He said, his voice still slow and measured. “No one would tell me how they were.”

She patted his shoulder again. “I’ll tell you, but you have to promise to keep the talking to a minimum,” she admonished gently and waited for him to nod. When he did, she continued. “The boys are going to be fine, they’re keeping them here overnight just to be on the safe side. Zac broke his collar bone and will have to wear a special sling for a few weeks. Noah has a slight concussion, a broken wrist and a couple of broken fingers.” She paused. “He was pretty upset when I saw him in the emergency room.”

Rather than trying to say anything he just frowned.

“Do you remember the accident?” she asked him.

“A little.”

“Noah blames himself for it,” she explained. “He thinks because he was so busy being mad at you about the car and giving you the silent treatment he wasn’t paying attention and allowed the accident to happen.”

Josh shook his head slowly.

“No, I know,” she assured him. “I told him it wasn’t his fault. When I talked to the police they said there wasn’t anything Noah could have done. The driver that hit you was drunk and ran a red light. He didn’t even have his headlights on.”

Now Josh’s look was questioning.

“He’s fine. The police have him in custody.” She paused. “Noah wanted me to tell you how sorry he was about the way he acted last night. The only way I could get him to calm down was to tell him he could come and see you tomorrow. I think he wants to apologize to you in person and make sure you’re going to be all right.”

She brushed her fingers lightly over his curls. “He and Zac were both pretty worried about you.” Tears began to well in her eyes. “So was I,” she said, trying to swallow her tears.

Time to break the no talking rule. Keeping his arm with the i.v. straight, he reached up and awkwardly laid his hand on her head. “Don’t cry, honey.”

She turned her head so her cheek could press itself into his palm. “I was so scared, Josh,” she whispered.

“I know. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.” He paused a moment to gather his breath. “Remember who you’re talking to. I’m pretty hard to get rid of.” He had to pause again. “I survived getting shot in the chest. A little thing like a car accident isn’t going to get rid of me.”

Glad to see he was in good spirits, she smiled through her tears. “Not so little, Josh, your car’s totaled.”

He grinned. “It’ll give me an excuse to buy a new one.”

“By the way,” she said, letting his humor ease the tension inside her. “If anyone asks, Sam’s your half-brother.”

It didn’t even occur to him to ask her to explain. Long ago he’d accepted kooky, off-the-wall comments like that as simply part of the wonder that was his wife. “Kay.”

She sobered slightly. “The girls also said to tell you that they love you very much.” 

“Where are they?” he asked.

“They’re at home, CJ’s with them.” She looked at him for a moment, her heart creeping up into her throat. “They’re not the only ones who love you.” 

Leaning over she pressed her lips to his in a tender kiss. The last of her worries for him fell away when she felt his lips gently respond to hers. She knew then that things were going to be all right. They’d dodged another ‘bullet’ and she vowed to not take their happiness for granted ever again. Life was too precious and short. Pulling back slightly she looked down at him, her eyes were dry and steady now. “I love you very much,” she whispered.

Josh looked up at her. Even though he was lying in a hospital bed, he felt like the luckiest man alive. He had so much to live for. “I love you, too,” he told her. “Happy Anniversary.”

**********  
Epilogue: Snapshots of a Life (C)  
Rating: YTEEN  
**********  
Christmas Eve - 25th Anniversary

“Hey Josh, you remember when you told the Majority Whip to stick his legislative agenda up his ass?” Sam asked as he, Josh and Toby sat in his private study and shared a quiet moment out of their hectic lives.

Josh smirked and took a drink of his beer. The second of the two Donna had given him permission to have that evening. “Ah, yes, one of my more memorable moments. The look on your faces when I hung up the phone was priceless.” 

“We were just stunned by your thoughtful and well-structured response,” Toby put in as he took a drink from his glass.

Sam grinned. “Well, I swear, when I was talking to Sanders today, it took every ounce of control not to use the same line on him.”

“Well, knowing Sanders he deserved it,” Josh commented. “I swear until I had to deal with him I thought Haffley was the biggest pain in the ass Speaker I’d ever met. But Sanders is twice as annoying and makes Haffley look like a liberal. God, I miss the days of a Democratically controlled Congress. Hopefully the mid-terms will help us take it back.”

“You know Ainsley and Donna are going to come looking for us any minute, so we’d better stop talking politics before they do. This is a party and we’ll all be in the doghouse if they catch us talking shop.” Sam said. He glanced at a group of photos on his desk and the picture of his wife of almost 23 years. She was still as lovely and feisty as the day they’d met and she’d kicked his ass on Capitol Beat.

“Hey, they’re not my wives,” Toby pointed out.

“Toby, do you have one tiny shred of doubt in your mind that our wives could make your life miserable if they were so inclined?” Josh asked.

Toby stared down into his drink for a moment, “Point taken.” He paused. “So how about those Yankees?” he said, prudently changing the subject.

“I think it would be better if we stayed away from sports,” Sam said. “This is a friendly gathering and you know how the two of you get when you’re talking about sports.”

“No sports? No politics? What the hell are we supposed to talk about then?” Toby demanded.

“Well, I for one would like to take this opportunity to again thank our hosts for throwing us this anniversary party,” Josh raised his beer bottle to Sam.

Sam raised his in return and then took a sip out of it. “Ains and I were happy to do it. It’s not every day that a couple makes it to their 25th anniversary.”

“Yours is coming up soon too, isn’t it?” Josh asked him.

He thought for a minute. “Yeah, unless my memory fails me, in another 2 years.”

Josh sat back in his chair. “Hard to believe that we’ve both been married so long. Who would of thought when we got Jed Bartlet elected that the three of us would be sitting here today with eight kids between us, two of us old married guys and one of us a grandfather?”

“I can assure you, not me,” Toby said. He’d never remarried, preferring instead to be a confirmed bachelor. One thing had never changed; he’d remained very close to Molly and Huck and when Molly had married and started a family two years earlier, he’d been the proudest grandfather Sam and Josh had ever seen.

Sam shook his head. “Back then I was just happy when I could get a date.”

“What you mean to say is, back then you were just happy when you could get a date with someone who didn’t turn out to be a call girl,” Toby clarified.

Sam blinked. “Fair point.”

Josh snickered, then sobered a bit. “Well, back then, working in the White House wasn’t all that conducive to outside relationships.”

“Boy, is that the truth.” Sam paused. “Hopefully that situation has improved with the current administration.”

Josh grinned. “Well, since neither of us is divorced I assume it has, sir.”

“Josh, Toby, seriously, no ‘sirs’ tonight, okay,” he told them. “It’s Christmas, it’s Josh and Donna’s anniversary and it’s just us. For one night, let’s dispense with the formalities.”

Josh and Toby looked at each other and then looked back at Sam. “Yes, sir,” they said in unison.

Sam waved his hand at them in frustration. At times, the mantle of his office made his life surreal to say the least. “You guys are hopeless.” He took a drink of his beer. “Speaking of relationships, Josh, do you have everything ready for your surprise for Donna?”

Josh patted the breast pocket of his jacket. “Yep. Got the tickets right here. A car will be here in...” he looked at his watch, one that Donna had it fixed long ago so it no longer ‘sucked in three different time zones.’ “...about an hour to pick us up for our flight to Los Angeles.”

“How long will you be in L.A.?”

“Two days, just enough time to see what’s changed at Disneyland since we were there with the kids 5 years ago. Then we’re off to Hawaii and the Hyatt Regency Resort and Spa in Kauai for a week.”

“Why Kauai and not Maui?” Sam asked. “I know you stayed at both on your honeymoon.”

“Well, we liked the Hyatt in Kauai better than the Westin in Maui,” Josh explained. “Kauai is also a lot less developed than Maui. We’re sort of going for less people, rather than more.”

“Do the kids know about the trip or are you going to surprise them, too?” Toby asked.

“Are you kidding? They’re the ones that helped me plan everything AND they agreed to wait and open Christmas presents when Donna and I get back.”

“Do you think Donna suspects anything?” Sam asked.

“Not unless you and the First Lady blabbed,” Josh replied with a smirk.

“You know, Josh, seeing as how I am the leader of the free world and we’re sitting in my private study in the Residence of the White House, most people wouldn’t think to question my ability to keep a secret,” Sam told him.

Josh turned to Toby. “This from the man who let the cat out of the bag about me and Donna getting engaged.”

“Hey, that was like...300 years ago,” Sam complained. “And in my own defense I was just protecting myself from getting slapped around by Leo for being late to the meeting.”

At the mention of Leo’s name, the three of them grew quiet.

“It’s too bad that Leo and Jed couldn’t be here to see how far we’ve come,” Josh commented quietly. After Jed had left office, he’d insisted that everyone, including Josh, call him Jed instead of ‘Mr. President’. It had taken a lot of getting used to, but eventually he’d managed it.

“You know, he told me I’d run for President one day,” Sam said, softly.

“You’re kidding,” Josh replied.

“No, it was the night of the vote in Hartsfield’s Landing during the second campaign. He’d just come back from India with a whole bunch of these amazing chess sets. He gave me one of them to say thanks for the State of the Union speech.” He smiled. “I still have it,” he said absently as he remembered.

Toby smiled softly. “He gave me one, too.”

Sam smiled at him. “Anyway, he was kicking my ass at chess and we were talking about China and Taiwan. He kept saying ‘see the whole board.’ I asked him how he knew what to about things like China and Taiwan. He said, ‘You have a lot of help. You listen to everybody and then you call the play.’ Then he stood and smiled in that paternal way he had and said, ‘Sam, you’re gonna run for President one day. Don’t be scared. You can do it. I believe in you.” Sam took a drink of his beer. “Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy. I probably never would have thought to run for office at all if he hadn’t said that to me.”

Josh held up his beer. “To Jed and Leo,” he said simply. 

Sam and Toby clinked their drinks against his. “To Jed and Leo.”

The three of them sat there for a moment, memories of the two men that had once been their mentors, running through their minds.

Josh was the first to speak. “By the way, sir, thank you again for letting me have the week off so Donna and I can have some time alone together. It was very generous considering I just took a week off right before Thanksgiving to go to Wisconsin with her.”

Sam smiled. “Well, like I said earlier, hopefully the Seaborn administration is a little more conducive to relationships than the Bartlet one was. Besides, you know how fond Ainsley and I are of Donna.” He paused. “From what you’ve told me, I had the impression that Donna could use a break to recharge her batteries after what happened in Wisconsin.”

“Yeah, she could,” Josh agreed. “Seeing her mom again stirred up some things for her. But I’ll tell you what, I was never more proud of my kids than I was on that trip.” He tipped up his beer bottle and took a sip. “Since I had this trip planned for our anniversary anyway, I thought it would be a good time for us to get away.” 

“Well, barring a national emergency, there’s not much going on around here between Christmas and New Year’s anyway,” Sam replied.

“Yeah,” Josh replied. “It helps that the DC Council is also on break so Donna has the free time too,” he said, referring to the fact that Donna was a member of the DC version of city council. She originally ran for the office to help raise the level of education reform in the district and while that fight was still ongoing, she found that she really liked being involved with local government. And much to Josh’s immense pride, she was a natural. He’d snuck into a couple of the meeting just to watch her in action. She was amazing as always.

“Oh, and thanks for making sure the Secret Service keeps an eye on Zac and the girls while we’re gone,” Josh told him. “It’s a big load off my mind. I know they’ll be 19 in a few months but I worry about them having the party of the century at the house while we’re gone.”

Sam smiled. “Not a problem. It’s the least I can do for my Chief of Staff. Besides, what good is being President if you can’t order the Secret Service around once in a while?”

Sam and Josh grinned. But Toby just stared down into his drink. “Josh, why haven’t you told us what happened in Wisconsin?” Toby asked quietly. Josh had been very tight lipped about what had transpired during the trip a month earlier.

Josh sighed. “Mostly, I hadn’t mentioned it because I just wanted to put the whole incident behind us. I mean, in some respects it was a good trip because it gave Donna a chance to face some of her demons. And by ‘demons’ I mean, you know, her mother.” Toby and Sam grinned at that. “But I don’t think I’d be betraying Donna’s confidence by telling you what happened.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “As you probably already know, it all started when Donna got a call from her mother about her father’s death.” Both men nodded. “Even though Donna and her parents haven’t spoken more than two or three times in the last 25 years, she wanted Donna to come to Madison for the funeral and to help her clean out the house because she was moving into a retirement home.” He took a drink of his beer. “Donna really agonized over whether or not she wanted to go, but in the end I think she saw that she needed to, if for no other reason than she needed to face that part of her past. I think a tiny part of her wondered if she could salvage some kind of relationship with her mother. I mean, after all, her mother is nearly 80. You would think that someone that old would have mellowed.”

“I take it she hasn’t?” Sam put in.

Josh looked at Sam. “Did I mention the comparison between her mother and Beelzebub?” 

Sam and Toby grinned. “Oh, yeah. Sorry,” Sam replied.

“Anyway, at first she wanted to go alone, which I had no intention of letting her do. I told her I wasn’t going to let her face it by herself. Honestly, I think she was relieved. Then we planned to leave the kids at home. But they overheard us talking about it and naturally they were curious to meet their grandmother.” He smiled. “And you know how persuasive our kids can be.”

“Well, that and the fact that they’ve got you and Donna wrapped around their little fingers,” Toby said.

“They do not...” Josh paused and exchanged looks with both of them. “Okay, maybe they do,” he relented. “In any case, we eventually agreed them to let them come along. All except Noah, of course.”

“Yeah, I kind of needed him here,” Sam said referring to the fact that Noah was his bodyman. His ‘Charlie.’ “I need at least one Lyman on site or things tend to come to a screeching halt.”

“I’m glad you acknowledge we are indispensable,” Josh said with a smirk.

“Actually I think he was acknowledging that Noah was indispensable,” Toby put in.

“Ha, ha, Toby,” Josh replied. “Can I finish my story now, please?”

Toby smirked into his glass. “Please do.”

“Now...where was I? Oh, yeah, the kids talked us into letting them go. We thought about driving to Wisconsin in case we needed to haul back stuff that Donna or the kids might want from the house but we didn’t want to take that much time away, so we decided to fly and we could just ship things back here if we needed to. So we rented a minivan and checked into a hotel and then drove out to the house.”

He paused. “The visit actually started out all right. On the first day, her father’s funeral went fine and uneventful and her mother seemed to be really happy to meet the kids. As for the kids, I’m not sure they knew what to make of their grandmother. But we were all getting along well enough.”

“So what happened?” Sam urged.

“Well, the wheels came off the wagon on the second day...” Josh grimaced as he remember and began to tell them the tale...

**********

“So girls, you said you were going to be graduated this spring, tell me what you’re all planning to do after high school,” Brenda Moss asked as Josh and Zac came back in from carrying a box into the garage, where they were putting the things for Goodwill. Donna, Diana and Nicole were all helping Brenda with sorting and packing up the kitchen.

18-year old Diana wrapped a bowl in some newspaper and put it down into her box. She’d admired the dishes and so her grandmother had given them to her. “I’ve been accepted to Harvard where I want to study medicine,” Diana told her. “Aunt Abbey and Ellie sponsored me and said they would help me any way they could.

Brenda Moss’ wrinkled face crinkled in a frown. “’Aunt Abbey? Ellie? Who are they? Are they relatives of your fathers?”

It hadn’t gone unnoticed by the five of them that Brenda Moss never called Josh by name, instead referring to him as “your father” or “your husband.”

“No, no,” Diana answered. “‘Aunt Abbey’ is Abigail Bartlet, the wife of former President Josiah Bartlet, and ‘Ellie’ is their daughter. Their both doctors.”

Brenda smiled benignly. “Why dear, she’s not your aunt. Who told you that?”

Diana smiled, trying to hide the fact that she was liking her grandmother less and less. “No, I know she’s not technically my aunt. She was just around a lot growing up and so we call her that. Since Mom and Dad didn’t have any brothers and sisters, a lot of their friends became our ‘aunts’ and ‘uncles.’”

Brenda Moss looked like she just ate something mildly sour. “Oh, well isn’t that nice,” she said in a tone that clearly said it wasn’t. “Well, since you didn’t have a grandmother growing up, I can understand why you’d turn to people outside your own family.”

“But we did have a grandmother,” Zac put in. “We had Grandma Ruth.”

“Oh? And who was she? Another friend?” Brenda asked.

“No, she was my mother,” Josh said calmly from where he and Zac stood in the doorway.

“Yeah, she lived with us for a long time,” Zac put in.

“Oh, well, isn’t that nice,” she repeated in the same tone she’d used before. “So Zachary, dear, what are you going to do after high school?” she said, apparently deciding it was time to change the subject.

“I’m going to Princeton,” Zac told her. “I haven’t decided quite what I want to do. I was thinking about studying criminal justice and maybe psychology. I think I want to work for the FBI or some other branch of the Department of Justice as an investigator or a profiler. I thought about going into law like Noah, but I think two lawyers in the family is enough,” he said with a grin trying to relieve the under current of tension that seemed to invaded the room. 

“I didn’t realize that Noah was a lawyer,” Brenda replied. “Maybe if I’d been allowed to be part of your lives before now, I would know that,” she said with a pointed glance in Donna’s direction. 

Donna had resolved that she wouldn’t rise to her mothers jabs at her. So she silently sat at the kitchen table and continued to wrap the glasses that Nicole said she wanted.

“Well, he’s not a full lawyer yet, he’s still in law school at the moment,” Zac went on to clarify. “His duties at the White House have kind of slowed things down, but he’s still taking classes.”

“Oh, that’s right, he’s an aide or something isn’t he?”

Zac blinked at her. He so idolized his big brother, he couldn’t believe that anyone wouldn’t know what an important job he had. “Well, he’s personal aide to President Seaborn.”

“Oh, well, isn’t that nice,” she said again. It seemed to be her response for when she had nothing nice to say. “Donna, dear, wouldn’t Noah be better off if he was going to law school full time rather than wasting his time chasing around after the President?”

Donna carefully laid the glass she’d just wrapped into the box. It was taking all she had not to tell her mother off. After all, she was their grandmother and Donna didn’t want the kids to have to endure the two of them going at it. She took the next glass and began to cover it in paper. “Mother, Noah is doing just what he wants to do and he doesn’t think he’s wasting his time,” she said, keeping her voice level and calm. “And Josh and I don’t think he’s wasting his time. The job he’s doing for President Seaborn is very important and very difficult, which is why he couldn’t come with us on this trip. What’s more, he’s getting a lot of experience. We’re all very proud of him.”

“Well, of course you are. I just meant that if he’s not careful he’ll take longer than you did to finish school.”

Josh stiffened and took a step forward, he knew that Donna wanted this visit to be a painless as possible for the kids, but Brenda Moss’ behavior was making it really hard for him to honor that. 

Donna, knowing that Josh would be ready to throttle her mother for such a comment, glanced up at him. Their eyes met and with that simple connection, she told him it was okay. “It will take as long as it takes,” Donna replied as she started on the next glass.

“I suppose,” Brenda replied then she frowned. “Zachary, who’s the other lawyer?”

Zac blinked in confusion at his grandmother’s question. “I’m sorry?”

“You said that two lawyers in the family was enough. There’s Noah, but who’s the other one?”

Josh raised his hand. “That would be me.”

Brenda looked at him. “Oh, I thought you were a politician. I know you’ve never run for office, which I never quite understood. I mean, how can you be a politician and have never run for office...”

“Mother!” Donna said a bit more sharply than she’d planned. She let out a breath to calm herself. “Josh got his law degree from Harvard and graduated cum laude. He hasn’t run for office because he’s a political operative. He works with other politicians to make things happen.” She couldn’t help the way her voice got slightly higher in volume as she went on. “The consulting firm he built got a lot of politicians elected, including the current President of the United States, for whom he now works as his Chief of Staff. Which basically means he runs the White House, oversees the staff, advises the President on any manner of domestic and foreign issues, policies and crises and he does it all while being an excellent father and husband.”

“There’s no reason to get upset, Donna,” Brenda replied. “I swear, you get so wound up about things. I was merely saying I didn’t know your husband was a lawyer.”

Donna kept her voice level now. “And I was merely explaining to you that he is indeed a lawyer and much more.” It never occurred to her to make the joke that he wasn’t a ‘real’ lawyer because he’d never practiced law. “I’d also appreciate it if you would remember that my husband also has a name.” 

“I know very well he has a name,” Brenda replied. “It’s Jason.”

“It’s Joshua,” Donna corrected.

“I could have sworn it was Jason or maybe Jonah,” Brenda said absently.

“No, I assure you it’s Joshua,” Donna said.

“Well, I’ll keep that in mind, dear,” Brenda said, apparently unfazed by the conversation. “So Nicole, I haven’t heard what you want to do after high school.”

Nicole was silent for a moment. She’d been trying to blend into the cabinetry and had hoped that her grandmother would kind of skip over her. She didn’t like the way her grandmother kept turning everything into a jab at her mom and dad. “Um...” she cleared her throat. “I’ve been accepted to Georgetown University in D.C. I haven’t quite decided if I want to be an artist like mom or a writer.”

“An artist?” Brenda asked. She turned to Donna. “Since when have you been interested in art, Donnatella?”

Donna continued to wrap the glasses. “I got interested in it just before Josh and I got married.”

“Well, you can’t be any good at it. I mean it takes some innate talent to be a good artist, doesn’t it?”

Josh wasn’t going to let that pass, but before he could get a word out of his mouth, Nicole jumped in. He wasn’t sure who in the room was most surprised it had been Nicole to speak so passionately. Diana was usually the vocal one, the defender. Normally Nicole was the sensitive peace maker.

“That wasn’t a very nice thing to say,” Nicole told her grandmother, her voice forceful but not loud. “She’s very talented. She’s had her own art openings and some of her pottery and sculpture pieces have sold for a lot of money.” Moving to stand behind her mother, she laid her hands gently on Donna’s shoulders. “And she’s helped others with her talent by volunteering her time to work with art therapy students. I’d be proud to have half her talent.”

Donna had to blink back tears at Nicole’s praise. “Thank you, honey. That was very sweet.” Donna said quietly as she patted Nicole’s hand. 

“Well, I had no idea,” Brenda said, a little taken aback at how vehemently Nicole had defended Donna. “I mean, you never showed any interest in art, Donna. The only kind of remotely artistic thing you ever showed an aptitude for was when you played the flute and even that you weren’t all that good at. Of course, that was because you never applied yourself.”

Josh, Zac, Diana and Nicole all opened their mouths to respond to that but Brenda plowed on. “Well, Nicole, if you’d like my advice, I think you’re better off being a writer. Artists are so underappreciated in their own time and it’s hard to make much money from it.” She reached into the pantry to finish cleaning it out. “Of course, writing can have its own challenges. To be a good writer you have to have a good imagination. Your mother always had such a wild imagination and look at how much trouble it got her into. Be sure you learn from her mistakes, Nicole dear, and don’t let what happened to your mom happen to you.”

Josh and the kids were stunned into silence. Donna wrapped the last glass with extraordinary care and laid it in the box.

Then she slowly stood up. Enough was enough.

Josh and the kids all took a step back.

“And what exactly ‘happened’ to me, Mother?”

Brenda paused as she was reaching into the cabinet. “Well, you know what I mean, Donna. All the stories you used to make-up and how much trouble they used to get you into.”

“And by ‘stories’ you mean like the time I told you that Uncle Tim molested me the summer I visited him and Aunt Ruth in Iowa?” She was so angry it didn’t occur to her that she and Josh had never told any of the kids what had happened to her as a child. “And by ‘trouble’ you mean the way you used to lock me in the closet to punish me?” she said to Brenda.

“Yes, exactly!” Brenda said with a little smile, as if she was glad that Donna was agreeing it was ‘a story’ and not the truth. She glanced at the kids, who were still standing in stunned silence. “Your mother was quite the handful when she was young.” She put her finger over her mouth as she remembered something else. “And then, of course there was that story when you worked at the White House and they told everybody you were dead. Did your fertile imagination come up with that one all by itself or did Jason help you?”

It took half a second for Donna to realize when she said ‘Jason’ she meant Josh. “I hate to disappoint you, Mother, but for the record, JOSH and I had very little to do with it. The FBI, the US Secret Service and the DC Police came up that with story. A story, in fact, that was to keep me from being stalked and murdered by a serial killer.” They hadn’t told the kids that story, either.

“Oh, Donna, you over dramatize everything,” Brenda said dismissively. “No one ever told me about a serial killer. They just told me it was to protect you and the President until they could catch your attacker.”

“You know, it’s funny, but it seems like it doesn’t matter what I do or do not tell you,” Donna said. “You only seem to hear and believe what you want to anyway. When I told you that I was molested all you heard was that I was lying and locked me in a closet. When I told you I missed Grandma and Grandpa you told me that I was being over emotional. When you caught me cutting myself you told me I was being ridiculous and once again you thought locking me in the closet was the answer.”

“Yes, I did lock you in the closet,” Brenda agreed. “It was the only form of punishment that you ever responded to. I did what I thought was best for you.”

“Maybe actually LISTENING to me and believing me once in a while would have the best thing for me,” Donna told her. 

Brenda drew herself up haughtily. “I was a good mother to you.”

“No, Mother, you really weren’t,” Donna replied.

“Well, you seem to have turned out all right, so I must have done something right.”

“Yeah, you let me spend time with Grandma and Grandpa. If I turned out all right, it’s because of them.”

“How dare you say that,” Brenda hissed. For an old woman, she moved pretty quickly as her hand snaked out toward Donna’s face.

But Donna was quicker and she easily blocked the blow about a foot from her face. “That was your other solution too, wasn’t it mother? Well, I’m a mother now, too. And I’m here to tell you that my kids are wonderful and amazing and it didn’t take me hitting them or locking them in closets to do it. It only took the two things you and Dad never showed me and that was love and encouragement.”

“Get out of my house,” Brenda said between clenched teeth.

Donna let out a breath. “My thoughts exactly.” She handed Nicole the box of glasses and Diana the box of dishes they’d wanted. “Girls, go put your boxes in the car. Josh and Zac, there are two boxes by the front door that come with us.” Josh motioned for Zac to go on, but he stayed behind. He wasn’t leaving Donna alone with her mother. Donna picked up another box sitting on the table with some collectables that had been in her mother’s hutch that she’d recognized as ones that had originally come out of her grandparents home. “Goodbye, Mother.”

Brenda was shaking with rage at that point. “Get out.”

Josh followed Donna out of the kitchen. She was silent but he could feel the anger radiating off of her. Josh scooped up the remaining box by the door and followed her out to the car. The kids had already loaded their boxes in the back of the van and had belted themselves into their seats. Josh and Donna added their boxes to the back and Josh closed the door and laid his hand on her shoulder. He could feel the rigid and knotted muscles under his hand. “Donna...”

“Don’t...” she said tightly. “I need a minute. If I start talking about it now, I’ll start screaming. Let’s just go back to the hotel.”

“Ah-kay,” he said. The two of them got in the car with the kids and Josh pulled away from the house. 

Diana, being the one to always comment, had to say something to break the oppressive silence. “So, that was Grandma Moss? Gee, Mom, I can’t imagine why you didn’t want us to meet her.”

Josh shot her a look in the review mirror. “Not now, Diana,” he growled. Glancing at Donna, he saw her quickly wipe away a tear as she stared out the passenger side window. Silently, he reached over and taking her hand, gave it a squeeze. He was encouraged when he felt her squeeze it back.

When they got back to the hotel, Josh had the kids unload the boxes. Josh and Donna had their own room, while the girls shared one and Zac got his own. Because Zac had the most room, Josh had them put the boxes in there. While the kids were unloading, he and Donna went to their room.

They walked into the room and Donna immediately went over to the bed and laid down on her back and used her breathing exercises to try and calm herself. Josh knew exactly what she was doing and so he sat down on the edge of the dresser and waited for her.

Donna breathed out that last of the ‘red air’ and opened her eyes to stare at the ceiling. She knew exactly where Josh was without having to look at him. “I’m sorry,” she said, without raising her head.

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Josh said.

Neither of them noticed the connecting door between their room and the girls room open about an inch and three pairs of eyes and ears start to take in everything they were doing and saying.

“That was quite the display, wasn’t it? And it was the one thing I wanted to avoid the most,” she said as she sat up and swung her legs over the side of the bed. Josh came over and sat down next to her on the edge of the bed but she didn’t look at him. Couldn’t look at him. She covered her face with her hands as a rush of hot tears started. “I knew I should have come by myself. I should have known better than subject all of you to my mother. I didn’t want the kids to have a bad impression of their grandmother.”

Josh pulled Donna into his arms to let her cry. “Donna, I think your mother pretty much took care of what kind of impression they got of her.” He felt her arms go around him and her face bury itself against his shoulder. “And I can’t speak for the kids, but I have to say that my impression of the little display in your mom’s kitchen was that you were amazing.”

She pulled back. “What?”

“I was SO proud of you. You kept your cool as long as humanly possible. Then when she started jabbing at the kids and me, you totally stood up for us,” he told her.

Donna sniffed and pulled a tissue off the box on the nightstand. “Well, she had no right to say those things about you all. And I couldn’t believe that she couldn’t even get your name right,” she said as she blew her nose.

“Well, I did feel a little like I was caught in an episode of ‘Bewitched’ where Samantha and Endora were arguing over Darren’s name,” he said. That made her smile. His expression softened. “You know, Donna, she had no right to say those things about you either,” he told her gently. “And the way you stood up to her when she was spewing out all those things about you at the end I think was the when I was proudest of you.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. I know it took a lot to stand up to her after all she put you through when you were a kid.”

She smiled through the remainder of her tears. “Thanks.” 

“And I bet if you ask the kids, they’ll tell you the same thing,” he told her.

She frowned and laid her forehead against his shoulder. “Oh, God, the kids. All those things she and I said. So much we never told them. How can I face them?”

The three spies decided to make their entrance at that point. “Mom?” Nicole said as they stepped into the room. “You can tell us anything. We’ll still love you.”

Josh had to swallow tears of his own to hear his kids say such supportive things to their mother when she was so vulnerable. “How long have you guys been standing there?” he asked.

“Long enough,” Diana replied. “And Dad’s right, Mom. Grandma Moss was the one who came out looking bad, not you. She was really hateful to you and Dad.”

“Yeah,” Zac put in. “I was wondering what took you so long to tell her off.”

Donna smiled at that. “Thanks.”

“Mom?” Zac added after a moment.

“Yes, honey? What is it?” Donna asked.

“Can you tell us about those things that you and Grandma were talking about? The stuff from when you were a kid and then the thing with the serial killer? We’d really like to know what happened,” Zac told her. “I mean you don’t have to...but, well, we’d like to know.”

Donna looked at Josh. His look said that it was up to her if she wanted to tell them. She looked at them. “Okay. I guess you deserve to know.” Knowing she’d need to move as she talked she stood up. In a sign of support, Josh stood up a few feet from her and leaned against the wall. “Sit down on the bed and I’ll tell you everything,” she told them.

**********

Josh took a drink of his beer and finished the rest of the story for Sam and Toby. “And then she told them. Laid it all out for them. She skipped the more vivid details, of course, but she told them about being molested and about being attacked by Weaver and testifying at his trial and about how we had to pretend she was dead and she had to dress up as Sydney. She also told them the full truth about cutting herself. From the scars on her legs, they already knew she’d cut herself but they only knew it was because she’d been upset. So she told them all about how it had started after she’d been molested and her grandparents had died and then how it had started again after she’d been attacked. She also told them how that led her to art and art therapy and then she told them about how, in many ways, the attack brought the two of us together. Once again, I was proud as hell of her.”

Sam leaned forward. “And how did the kids take it?”

“They were equally amazing. When she got done spilling her guts to them, they all stood up and gave her a group hug. Diana said she thought Donna was really brave to survive all of that. Zac thought it was great that she’d taken something so bad and used it to help others by volunteering her time with the art therapy. And Nicole, well, Nicole just said she loved her. Donna cried all over again, but this time they were good tears.”

A knock sounded at the door and Noah stepped inside. “Sir, I come bearing instructions from the First Lady that you’d better come back to the party. She said if she has to come looking for you, even the Secret Service won’t be able to protect you from her wrath,” Noah told him with a completely straight face. “Oh, and Toby, she said you have to come too.”

“What about Josh?” Toby complained. “If I have to come, he has to come too.”

“Actually, the car’s waiting in the portico to take him and Mom to the airport, so Mrs. Seaborn told me to kick him out of the building.”

Josh grinned at Toby, then looked back at his son. “Thank you, Noah. Where’s your mom?”

“CJ’s keeping her occupied downstairs in the Northwest Lobby.”

Josh stood and swaggered toward the door. “Well, guys, I hate to eat and run at my own anniversary party, but I’ve got my lovely wife to surprise and then we’ve got a plane to catch.”

With that he grinned and disappeared out the door to find Donna.

**********

Christmas Day - 42nd Anniversary

Josh held her hand in his as he sat in the stiff back chair and watched her sleep. The soft beep of her heart monitor was the only sound in the room. The beats had slowed dramatically in the last few hours and he knew there wasn’t much time left.

He glanced around the hospice room. He knew a big part of her wanted to go home to die in the place she’d spent so many happy times, but she didn’t want to make Noah and his family have to remember her that way. It was just like Donna to think of others until the end. Noah, now a Senator from Virginia, where he and his family had been living when he was elected, had needed a place for them to live in the District during his term. So five years earlier, they had given the house to Noah, his wife Emma and their three children, Lee, Jennifer and Daniel. Josh and Donna had moved into the small ‘mother-in-law apartment’ they’d originally built for Josh’s mother, Ruth.

It had started with a feeling of fatigue and the symptoms of what seemed to be a fairly typical bout of the flu that she couldn’t shake. Donna had eventually seen a doctor for it and he had diagnosed it as an upper respiratory infection, given her antibiotics, recommended she drink lots of fluids, get some rest, and told her it would pass. The problem was that she’d gotten worse and not better. Then, about a week after seeing the doctor she’d developed chest pain and collapsed altogether. She’d been rushed to GW, where she’d gone through round after round of tests.

Eventually, they’d diagnosed her with a condition called cardiomyopathy, which is a weakening of the heart muscle or a change in the heart muscle structure. Basically, her heart wasn’t strong enough to pump blood adequately through her system. Her heart couldn’t relax enough after each contraction, and so it couldn’t be filled with enough blood.

In trying to find a cause, they’d ruled out underlying conditions like high blood pressure, heart valve disease, artery diseases or congenital heart defects and had determined that her condition was due to a viral infection. Although there had been many health care advancements over the years, treating viruses was still difficult to say the least.

She’d spent weeks at GW as the doctors had tried to save her ravaged heart. But while they’d run their tests and treated Donna’s symptoms, her condition had continued to deteriorate and her heart had continued to weaken. The only thing that would have saved her was a heart transplant. However, even if they had been able to find a compatible organ in time, her age of 74 made the transplant impractical and all but impossible. 

It had been two weeks since the doctors in the hospital had told him and Donna that they’d exhausted their options and suggested she be moved to a hospice care center and be made as comfortable possible while things progressed. After the doctors had left he’d held her as they’d cried together and she’d said over and over again how sorry she was that she was going to have to leave him. 

So Noah had helped him make the arrangements to have her moved to a hospice center and Josh had slowly watched her get weaker every day. He’d been by her side every step of the way. They’d even allowed him to sleep on a cot in her room. Now her body was shutting down, she was slipping away from him, and there was nothing he could do but watch. 

It never occurred to him that she would go before him. He was 86, for God sakes. Twelve years older than she was. Women lived longer. He’d had to use a cane for the last 10 years. His chest looked like road map from the bullet wound that had nearly taken his life almost 50 years ago. Heck, some of the doctors who had operated on him back then had said that even patched up, the damage the bullet had done would most likely have shortened his life.

And yet here they were. He in a chair, old but relatively healthy and her, lying in this bed slipping slowly away from him. He didn’t know how he was going live without her. His life had been intertwined with hers for so long, he didn’t know if he wanted to go on living without her. They’d had a full life together, their kids were grown and happy. What could he find worthwhile in life if she wasn’t there with him to share it? 

Even his friends were all but gone. Toby had died 5 years earlier from liver cancer. Sam had died 2 years ago from heart disease. From the original group that had gotten Jed Bartlet elected the first time, only Josh and CJ were still alive and kicking. CJ had been a frequent visitor to Donna’s bedside during her illness.

Josh sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. ‘I am so tired,’ he thought. ‘So very tired.’ It seemed like he’d been tired for a long time. Donna had been the reason he’d managed to summon the strength to get up every morning. He opened his eyes again when he heard her take a shallow breath.

Donna swam up through the layers of sleep and fatigue. She seemed to sleep all the time now, but she never felt rested. The kids had all been by around noon that day and just speaking to them had taken everything out of her. Although they hadn’t said it in so many words, Donna knew they were saying goodbye. She was under no illusions about her condition. She could tell that she didn’t have much time left. As much as she wanted to stay here with Josh and her family, her body just wasn’t going to let her. Her eyes fluttered open and she turned her head to see Josh watching her from his usual spot next to her bed. Just as he’d been through their entire marriage, he’d been a rock for her during this whole ordeal. “Hey,” she said softly. 

He squeezed her hand, “Hey. How you doing?”

“Same...doesn’t hurt,” she said trying to tell him not to worry. “Just tired.”

“Can I get you anything?” he asked.

She managed a small smile. “Just you.” He kissed her hand. “The kids?” she asked.

“They left a little while ago,” he told her. “Noah will be back this evening.”

Donna gathered herself to speak. “What a way...” she took a breath, “to spend Christmas and...” She hated that she couldn’t even speak in entire sentences anymore. “...our anniversary.” 

He watched her for a moment. “What are you always saying? We’re together and that’s enough.”

Donna felt the fatigue pulling her down again. Somehow though, this time it was different. She couldn’t even say why she thought that, but it felt deeper. Maybe it was similar to the way someone who was drowning knew that they were going down for the last time. She realized then that her time was almost gone. “Josh?”

“Yes, honey?”

“I’m cold.” She took a small breath. “Will you hold me?” 

Without a word, he laid her hand back on the bed and pushed himself slowly out of the chair. Leaning heavily on his cane, he came around the bed to the side where she didn’t have an i.v. Hanging his cane on the bedrail, he maneuvered himself onto the bed next to her and gently slid his arms around her. 

“Stay with me?” she asked.

“Always,” he replied, pressing his lips to her cheek.

“Thank you for....my life,” she said softly as tears trailed down her cheeks. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” She was quiet for a moment and he could feel her fighting to draw a breath.

“Sorry.”

He didn’t feel the tears the running down his face now. “Don’t be sorry, Donnatella of the Golden Hair,” he said, using a term of endearment he’d used to comfort her with when she would lament her hair turning from gold to white.

She smiled tremultuously. “It’s white now...”

He pressed a gentle kiss to her lips. “I only see the gold,” he told her softly. “Sleep now.” His own heart clenched painfully as he felt her take a last breath.

Donna wouldn’t say goodbye. She knew in her heart that they’d see each other again. “I’ll see you soon,” she said.

A painful stab went through his chest as he watched her eyes slide closed. It was more peaceful than he would have expected. She gently exhaled and he felt her body relax fully in his arms. Dimly, he heard the alarm sound on her heart monitor, signaling that she was truly gone. He didn’t know how he’d survive losing her, his chest felt like it was tearing itself in two, it hadn’t hurt so much since he’d been shot. Knowing he couldn’t hurt her anymore by hugging her too hard, he pulled her tightly against him, buried his face against her neck, and wept. 

A few moments passed before Josh’s own 86-year old heart simply broke from the pain of losing her and stopped altogether. His cries trailed off into silence.

Donna’s heart monitor was hooked up to a central monitoring area in the hospice center and when her heart had failed, one of the hospice nurses had come in to check on her. She paused in the doorway. Working with terminal patients, you had to strike a careful balance between kindness and compassion and steeling yourself against losing your patients. Your patients weren’t there to get better, they were there to die and you had to accept that. But she had to blink back tears when she saw the elderly Mr. Lyman lying quietly in bed with his elderly wife. His face was buried against her neck and he was hugging her tightly against him. So often having to watch a loved one slip slowly away was too much for people and they stayed away, but she knew that Mr. Lyman had stayed by his wife’s side the whole time. She’d never seen two people, elderly or otherwise, that were more devoted to each other.

Walking over to the heart monitor, she quietly turned off the alarm. The room was perfectly silent then. Deciding to give Mr. Lyman a few minutes of privacy to say goodbye, she left the room without saying a word and went back out to the desk to call their son.

Fifteen minutes later, Noah stood at the door to his mother’s room and took a breath. As much as he’d tried to prepare himself for this day, he couldn’t believe it was finally here. His mother had always been so vibrant, such a force of nature. He couldn’t imagine her not being in his life, not getting to see his kids grow up. He also couldn’t imagine his dad without her. When his dad couldn’t find his watch or his cane or his socks, she always knew where they were. They’d always been so connected he couldn’t imagine one without the other. Part of him knew his mom had been his dad’s reason for living, especially in the last few years and Noah didn’t know how long his dad would last without her.

Turning the knob, Noah stepped inside. The room was silent and he wasn’t surprised to see his Dad lying on the bed with his mom. Growing up, he’d just taken their relationship for granted. Then as he got older and he saw how many friends came from divorced parents or parents who were married but weren’t happy or out rightly hated each other, he knew how blessed he was to have parents that so loved each other. Of course they’d had disagreements and arguments, but there was more laughter than yelling, more happy tears than sad. The good times vastly outnumbered the bad and at the core had been their love and passion for each other. He loved his own wife deeply and he hoped their marriage was half as strong as his parents had been.

Walking over to the bed and where his dad was lying, he laid his hand on his dad’s shoulder. “Dad?” When he got no response, Noah shook his shoulder lightly. Still no response or movement of any kind. “Dad?” his voice was more urgent now as he stepped closer. He was now pretty sure that his dad wasn’t breathing. “DAD!” He laid his fingers along Josh’s neck to feel for a pulse. There was none. 

Covering his mouth with his hand, Noah stumbled back until his back was pressed up against the wall. Tears began to pour down his face. He hadn’t prepared for this. Even though his dad was very elderly, Noah had been so focused on dealing with his mother’s impending death, he hadn’t let himself really think about the possibility of his father’s.

“Oh, Dad,” he whispered. “You couldn’t let her go without you, could you?” He said the words without animosity or anger. Merely a statement of fact. He stood there for a few minutes trying to absorb what had just happened. The two people he admired and loved most in the world were now gone. In one moment, he’d become an orphan. 

With halting steps he approached the bed again. Leaning over he placed a soft kiss on his mothers cheek and then on his fathers. “Take care of her, Dad,” he said softly. Then he walked to the door. Stopping, he took a last long glance back at the two of them and then he left to tell the nurse what had happened and start making arrangements.

Donna’s eyes drifted open and she took a breath. A deep breath. Wait. How had she done that? She hadn’t been able to take a really deep breath in weeks. She tried it again and as before, her lungs filled fully and easily. She also noticed that the dragging feeling of fatigue that had so become a part of her was gone. She felt refreshed and more alive than...well, than maybe she ever had in her life. Stretching, she was pleased to find that for a change, her bones and joints didn’t pop or snap when she did it. 

Turning her head, she saw Josh lying next to her. But he looked different than she remembered. Younger. He even had hair on the top of his head again. The distinguished age lines on his face were gone and he looked just like he had the day she’d walked into his office in Nashua. She was so happy she didn’t think to question all these new turn of events. Reaching out, she brushed at his curls. “Josh?” she said. ‘Even my voice sounds like it should,’ she thought.

Hearing her voice, Josh opened his eyes. He blinked at her. “Donna?”

“No, I’m the Queen of Sheba,” she teased. “Yes, of course, it’s me.”

He frowned. “But how? I thought....I thought you died.”

She sat up and thought about that for a moment. Maybe that explained it. “Yeah, I think I did.”

He sat up next to her. “But then how can I be talking to you?”

“I guess you’d have to be dead too,” she reasoned.

“I don’t feel dead,” he said getting out of bed. “Although....I do feel pretty good.” He began to notice the same things Donna had. His body wasn’t stiff and sore and he felt like he was healthy enough to run a marathon. He stretched and then ran his hand over the top of his head and was pleased to find he had hair again. “Actually I feel better than I have since I was shot.”

Donna slid out of bed and went around to him. “Well, at least we’re together,” she said. “It’s like that day in the residence when you told me that we’d have to die together because neither of us could go through burying the other. If I have to be a ghost there’s no one I’d rather be one with,” she said with a grin.

“That’s my Donnatella, always thinking on the bright side,” he pulled her into his arms and they hugged. “For a ghost, you feel pretty solid to me.”

Donna smiled as she hugged him back and glanced over his shoulder. The sight that greeted her wasn’t scary, just a little....disconcerting. “Josh...look.”

He released her and turned to see what she looking at. Now he understood why her voice had taken on that odd tone. “Wow, is that us? WAS that us?” he corrected.

She looked at the old couple lying in the bed. “I think so. I had no idea we looked so old.”

“I guess we really are dead,” Josh replied.

“You know Josh, I always said you were a master of understatement,” a familiar voice boomed from the other side of the room.

“Never once have I heard you say that,” another familiar voice argued. 

Donna and Josh whipped around and were stunned to find Jed and Sam standing in the corner of the room. Both of them look young, fit and vibrant.

“Jed! Sam!” Josh said excitedly. The four of them embraced like the long lost friends they were.

“How you guys doing?” Jed asked them.

Josh looked at Donna. “Well, we’re both dead, but, you know...other than that....”

“Yeah, that’s why we’re here,” Sam replied.

Donna smiled. “What are you, the Presidential welcoming committee?”

Sam grinned. “Something like that.” Then he sobered a bit but didn’t lose his smile completely. “We’re here to help you cross over.”

“Help us cross over?” Donna asked.

“Yes, someone, usually a person who’s very close to the one that dies, who’s passed on before always comes back as a guide,” Jed explained. “Donna, if you’d passed over first, as we expected, you would have come back to help Josh when it was his time. Just like I did when Abbey died.”

“Just like I’ll do when Ainsley dies,” Sam added quietly.

Jed continued. “But since Josh can’t seem to go anywhere without you...” he said with a smirk. “Sam and I volunteered to be here.”

Josh and Donna looked at each other. “I don’t want to go anywhere without him either,” Donna said.

Josh smiled back at her and then looked at Jed and Sam. “Can I ask you a couple of questions?”

“Sure,” Jed replied.

“Is everyone else here? Or should I say, is everyone else where we’re going?”

“You mean, Leo, Toby, Abbey, your parents, Joanie and so on?” Jed clarified. Josh nodded. “Yeah, they’re all there. And Donna, your grandparents are there as well. As a matter of fact, they’re all having a little welcoming party for you both when we get there.”

“So if Toby and my parents are there, I assume Mary Marsh isn’t running the place and being Jewish isn’t a deal breaker?”

“No, Josh, everyone with a good heart is welcome,” Sam said with a grin.

“Even Republicans,” Jed added with a smirk.

“Maybe staying here wouldn’t be so bad,” Josh joked.

“Josh,” Donna admonished.

“What?” he said with a grin. “I was kidding.”

She looked at Jed and Sam. “We’re going and that’s final,” Donna told them as she gripped Josh’s hand. She was thrilled at the idea of seeing her grandparents again and introducing them to Josh.

“Some thing never change, huh, Josh?” Jed commented about Donna’s take charge attitude.

Josh looked at Donna. “Thankfully, sir.”

Jed watched the two of them, warmed by the love that still existed between the couple that had been through so much. “You ready to go?” he asked.

Josh and Donna exchanged glances and nods. “Yes, sir,” Josh answered.

“Knock off the ‘sirs,’ Josh,” Jed told him. “I may have been President once but where we’re going, titles like that have no meaning. Jed will be just fine.”

“Sorry....Jed.”

“That’s better. Now let’s get this show on the road.”

“Oh, wait a minute, I have one more question,” Josh said.

Jed sighed. “How did I know you would?”

“Do they have....you know....where we’re going?”

“Josh!” Donna said in mortification. She knew exactly what he was asking.

“Oh, like you didn’t want to know, too,” he told her.

“Well, maybe I did, but I think I would have just waited until we were, you know, alone and explored the issue.”

“Children, children,” Jed began. “Can I assume you’re both wondering about the existence of ‘barbequing’ in the hereafter?”

“Yes,” they both answered a bit sheepishly.

“Well, have no fear,” Jed began. “Barbequing is alive and well in the hereafter.”

Josh and Donna both grinned. “Okay, we’re ready to go,” Josh asked.

“What do we need to do?” Donna asked.

“It’s easy really,” Sam told them. “When your heart is ready, it will happen.” As he finished speaking, the room before them seemed to fade away. In its place was a welcoming glow. Emanating from it was such a feeling of warmth and joy and well-being that it was almost a physical sensation.

Sam and Jed moved toward the light and turned back to them. “And then you just walk through.” Both of them disappeared into it.

Josh looked down at Donna, “Well, Mrs. Lyman, shall we? We don’t know exactly what we’ll find there.” 

She squeezed his hand. “But we’ll be together and that’s enough.” She paused and then grinned. “Besides, we know they have barbequing, so we’re good.”

Josh laughed and leaned in to kiss her full on the mouth. “Well then, what are we waiting for?” he said.

And holding onto each other tightly, together they stepped into the light.

THE END


End file.
